for @buttterfly - post-tfln

[taeru]

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[taeru]

Ai realizes quickly that he is woefully unused to anyone, much less Rin, expressing such direct interest in his personal life. Especially in direct comparison to their first year together where Rin's interests and attention were on a different planet entirely; save for a few particularly treacherous nights of loud thunder and bad memories that kept one or both of them up, it was exceedingly rare for Ai, who always remains transparent and honest, to be vulnerable. It's why he balks for a moment when asked, blinking owlishly, and quickly scouring through his mental rolodex of anecdotes that might be worth sharing as he sits down on the couch, one leg tucked.

"I'm doing alright," he answers honestly, smile lopsided and a little sheepish. "University classes are pretty stacked but I still make time. In fact, some of your and Nanase-san's friends are on the swim team too." And at the time it had taken him way too long to connect those dots. "And I visit Sousuke-senpai and Momo-kun pretty often, which is nice. Maybe it's just getting older, but I feel days go by so fast now..."

He is about to begin prattling on about the (exquisitely jank yet perfectly serviceable) film development room he's made out of his bedroom closet when a thought crashes into his psyche like a meteor to the moon.

"Oh!" he starts, "I found a film roll from second year. It must have been during the onsen trip we took, judging by the few photos I've managed to extract from it so far. I can show you later, if you'd like."

[buttterfly]

"What's that old, American saying?" Rin muses, soaking in every word of the life he's missing out on here. Rin doesn't take note of , he just grimaces down at a pair of mismatched socks he's apparently twisted together. He laughs "'Time flies when you're having fun', or something? Maybe you're just too busy being a party boy."

It's totally in good fun. Rin laughs, fondly remembering that trip Ai and Momo surprised them with. It does something to warm him, in a way he hasn't felt since he was last back here.

"You guys were the best for that. That was a good time. I would love to see the pictures." Maybe that's something he can do, in his free time. Start a photo album. Ugh, is he turning into his sister or? He shakes his head, rummaging for what appears to be a bunched up t-shirt.

"Here." He hands it towards Ai with a hum, focusing his attention back on the contents of his bag. "A thanks for letting me stay." It's nothing special. Just a stupid little stuffed duck that caught his eye at his last trip to the aquarium.

[taeru]

"I'm not!" he immediately barks, exasperated. He drunkenly texts Rin once, and of all the memories they've shared, this is what sticks as his legacy? It would have been less embarrassing if Ai had asked Rin to kiss him on the mouth back in high school. "I'm busy checking in on my friends when I'm feeling emotionally vulnerable - if you needed clarification." It's barely a save, but it keeps the heat from overtaking his cheeks.

He makes a mental note to gather the photos later once Rin's settled; it'd be fun to flip through them together, he thinks. He's mostly certain they're all normal, not weird photos that he took. Just as he's trying to recall what all was on that film, Rin suddenly procures for him a gift. He stares, looks down at the stuffed duck, back up to Rin, and the sheer size of the smile that overtakes his face...

"Senpai," he murmurs, taking hold of the silly little thing, at first observing it at arm's length. It's a goofy looking thing, about as quality as one could expect from an aquarium, but it was a thoughtful gift. Ai settles with his arms crossed over it, hugged close to his chest as he settles back against the couch, eyes rapt upon Rin, "You didn't have to go through the trouble! It's so sweet... And it's exactly like you." Always thinking about your friends. "Ahh, now I feel bad. I wasn't sure if it'd be overkill if I picked up a gift for you or not..." Oh but he thought about it. Thought about getting Rin another bespoke blank journal book, or a mug from his university, or a honeyed meat skewer from the guy down the block, or a coin purse he saw that had sharks on it, or...

[buttterfly]

"If you say so." He waves it off with a hum. "Just remember, you're the one who told me where you were picking sand out of afterwards."

Rin doesn't watch Ai peel the shirt away from the toy. Stuffed animals are easy to pack back, and he's gotten so used to bringing them back for Momo it's like second nature. Or maybe it's because Rin is a sentimental thing, and watching the possibility of Ai tearing up is too much for him right now. But he can see Ai practically embracing it as he leans back against the couch. Rin smiles to himself. Good enough for him.

"Don't feel the need to get me anything, dude."

Rin awkwardly rubs the back of his head, folding the t shirt back up and shoving it into the duffel.

"Letting me stay here is thanks enough, really. I didn't feel like getting into it with Sousuke everyday, and Haru's off making the world swoon with his free stroke. So I appreciate it. A lot."

[taeru]

He's sitting with both legs crossed now, the plush duck sat softly in his lap, arms very loosely curled around it. The sofa itself was big enough for two people, just big enough to lounge on, but not quite big enough to sleep on - either Ai bought it at Nitori on discount or had thrifted it. He typically wasn't big on plushes as collectables or decorations, but he has a nagging feeling this one is staying on his bed well after Rin leaves.

He listens to Rin's playful gripe over Sousuke and Haruka's respective company, and it earns a simpered smile from Ai. A younger self, a less confident self would have heard it as something else entirely: third best. Instead, Ai circumvents that low-hanging fruit of a thought entirely, actively shoving it aside.

"I think you enjoy arguing with Sousuke-senpai more than you like to admit," Ai playfully teases. "But I'm surprised Nanase-san didn't offer for you to stay at his place while he's gone." From what Ai always heard from Rin and sometimes Makoto, he was loitering in the place anyway. At the thought, Ai melts into an expression a touch softer. "You're going to visit them, right? Your friends from Iwatobi?"

[buttterfly]

That makes Rin settle into himself for a moment. Maybe a contemplative look is what crosses his face. Or maybe it's something a little more pained. He remembers Australia. How grateful Haru was. But Rin remembers a little bit more.

That stupid bed that haunts his dreams.

Haru just blinking at him, like this is a totally normal thing. And Rin explosively denying having anything to do with it. Their backs brushing all night, Rin not sleeping a wink. Because he was thinking about how easy it would have been to roll over, pull Haru over him...

He shakes his head, shoving the memory somewhere else. Australia was easier to slip into than that stupid realization. The one that Rin always had an idea of, but never faced head on. Maybe that's the real reason he kept his distance for so long.

Sometimes you just need to go somewhere else to find yourself.

"You bet." He smiles, perhaps a little fainter than before. "...when everyone's not so busy, of course. Don't want to get in their way or anything."

He zips his bag back up, seemingly done with going over whatever contents are inside of it besides various articles of clothing. He leans back against the couch, tilting his head up to look up at Ai.

"Want to get some dinner? My treat."

[taeru]

Ai had passively wondered here and there what Rin's trip to Australia was like at the tail end of second year - he never got the opportunity to ask. As soon as Rin had come back, graduation was upon them. There is so much, in fact, he has yet to discover about him, a reality that often eats at him, especially with Rin's swimming career taking off. It had already been hard to bridge the gap when they roomed together, let alone now with an ocean between them - how had Ai, usually so chatty and eager to fill the air, grown anxious of sending a text? I don't want to impose, if he exposes himself honestly. I don't want to hold him back. A parallel thought, not that either of them realize that.

Maybe he owes Sousuke a thank-you note for the shochu after all.

"I think they'd be extremely happy to see you," Ai says as a quiet and reassuring one-off, not wanting to sound condescending, but knowing firsthand how much Rin is loved among the people he's left in Japan.

Ai looks down as Rin rests just beside him but on the floor, having to lean over somewhat to do so. For a moment he's struck by the perspective and transported to four years earlier. Poking his head out from the top bunk to see if Rin had his nose buried in a book or not. To check at night if he was still asleep. Once or twice, Rin would have been on his back or facing the middle of the room, and Ai had a perfect snapshot of his face, peacefully asleep, before escaping back to the top bunk. And to think this many years on, it's this memory that gets his gut twisted into a knot - not the hundreds of times he's seen the man half-naked in a shower room.

He blinks himself back to reality, smile plastering his lips just a hair too quickly. "Famished! Let's go." He shifts over to slide off the couch without accidentally stepping on Rin. "Anything in particular you're feeling? This area has so much to choose from. A lot of it is really cheap too." He stands up, turns to face Rin, and holds a hand out to help him up to his feet, smile morphed into something sharper. "You're the guest, so you have to choose."

[buttterfly]

Sousuke asked once. About Australia, and proceeded to never bring it up again.

It's not like he's hiding some dirty, dark little secret he is but maybe there's some inner shame and turmoil at the concept. One that other athletes might curl their lip at. Which is fine. Ai is the farthest person from judging for any reason. If he didn't push Rin away when Rin damn near dented a hunk of steel with his fist, something like that would hardly deter him.

Right?

Rin groans, shrugging in half-hearted agreement. He doesn't say anything about seeing everyone else, just gives a little curt nod. He will work up to that. Eventually. Baby steps. Besides, he's looking forward to his time here even if he doesn't necessarily think he's deserving of such a kind gesture. Ai has always been too good to him, even when he didn't deserve it. Fate truly gave him a kind roommate and friend to cherish.

Shoving all those thoughts aside, he gets to his feet, taking Ai's hand, pulling his hair back in a loose ponytail. That grin is back on his face, even if it is a little lackluster. It's still genuine, that relief and warmth he feels at Ai sensing it was time to drop the subject in pursuit of something different. Maybe they can broach that topic another day.

"I haven't had a good bowl of soba in fucking forever. If you're down for that."

It's something simple and domestic. Familiar and homely. Something that wraps you in warmth, and reminds you of things that matter. There's something to be said in friends pouring over bowls of it after a swim meet, or taking some home and reminiscing over a kotatsu.

[taeru]

There is an obvious tension there, and the irresponsible but easy thing would be to chalk it up to travel exhaustion. But Ai knows Rin better than that, and the way his smile doesn't reach his eyes is familiar. Ai is also smart enough not to press it; if Rin wanted to breach whatever subject was floating around his cranium, Ai would meet him right in the middle. Until such a time, their itinerary was set, and Ai would let Rin come to him at his own pace.

He can't help but smile in that self-interested, goofy way of his when he sees Rin tie his hair up; as Rin does that, Ai is pulling out his phone to look up the exact location of-- "There's a dipping noodle place a bit closer to campus. They have a lot of the normal broths but also this really good seasonal one with yuzu in it..."

If Rin is quick, he would have seen Ai's lock screen is his childhood dog, and his phone background is a snapshot from his second year during Samezuka's regionals, Rin included. With the restaurant pulled up on his phone browser, Ai flashes the screen at Rin, encouraging him to take a look and even scroll if he wants.

"If this sounds like it hits the spot, let's head out!"

[buttterfly]

"I could eat a pool of that."

And at least Rin's body gives him some out, as his stomach makes some agonizing noise.

He doesn't miss the wallpaper on either screen. He almost wants Ai's phone back off so he can catch that little memory. A childhood dog he's heard him mention before. He knows about Ai, but does he really know him? It feels like the opposite is more true. But something warm and fond floods him at the other picture.

That relay. The one where he found his own team. Sure, he had Haru, Makoto and Nagisa but...

The screen in his face is suddenly filled with his food, and his stomach makes another unappreciative noise at the fact that they're not moving right this second. He snorts in swallowed-down laughter, pushing Ai's phone back towards him.

"Please, before my stomach decides to end us first." He laughs, and begins to step towards the door, slipping back into his running shoes. "Was that your dog you told me about?" A clear invitation to overshare.

[taeru]

Ai flashes a bright smile at Rin and then pockets his phone; the sooner they can head out, the sooner they can eat, and the sooner Rin can get a good night's rest. He's toeing on his shoes and about to reach for the doorknob when Rin asks about his dog, and Ai blinks at him.

It isn't that Rin's never expressed interest in Ai's personal life or family life before; it's just that Ai came into the realization far too late in life that taking up space is an okay thing, and that growth happened only within the past year, maybe two. Momo's gotten ear-fulls, Sousuke especially could write a biography about Ai at this point, but Rin had yet to be stationed this side of the sea to witness the way Ai's eyes glint before he decides he is going to yap.

"Yes! Her name was Moka. Mokacchan was found by my mom near an open street that had a coffee shop, which is why I think she named her that way." He opens the door, steps out and allows Rin to do the same, and then is immediately pulling up his phone roll to flash old photos of the dog; none of them were taken with the phone camera, all were photos taken of film photos, which explains how long ago Ai had her. "We got her when I was very tiny, so I don't remember, but allegedly she'd sleep next to my kid bed every night. And it was a little before I started at Samezuka that we lost her, but she lived a good long life."

A pause as he looks to Rin, eyebrows raised. Because he already knows the answer, but wants to hear it from Rin himself and give him the floor, "You like animals too, don't you senpai? Didn't you have a cat?"

[buttterfly]

And yap Ai does.

Rin takes it all in. He's profoundly more interested in the lives of others these days. Desperate for some scraps of a life he once shared with them. Little windows into their own planes of existence. Looming in the breezeway, pouring over pictures Ai treasured enough to put on his own mobile device. A little portable portal into the past.

Rin feels so bold as to one point lean over, and thumb to the next picture, the pad of his finger brushing over glass. There's beauty in photographs. Digital ones even, though there is more sentimentality in feeling a piece of paper between your fingertips. Weathered and aged. Rin smiles. Once upon a time, he doesn't think Ai would have shared these things so freely with him.

Hesitation would have poured over his face, he would have brushed the question aside, desperate for some other topic to breach. Rin likes this side. He hopes he didn't exacerbate it back in his first year at Samezuka. He begins to descent the stairs, waiting for Ai to lead the way. The streets here are mostly unfamiliar, though Rin could probably navigate his way out of a cardboard box unlike some people...

"She must have had a good life with you guys." Died at a ripe old age, probably surrounded by family. A good way to go. He looks up at a streetlight, humming thoughtfully.

"Ah, yeah. My Mom got Steve when my Dad... he hates me, not much to tell! Mom feeds him too much. That cat is definitely her new kid. Gou and I make fun of her, tell her he's the favorite out of all of us."

[taeru]

It wouldn't have been for lack of want to share; if Ai had it his way, and had the self-esteem to back it up, he would have been ten times more annoying of a roommate. In a way, this is making up for lost time.

He is completely unbothered by Rin interacting with his phone, and would have handed the whole thing over if not for the fact he's navigating at the moment. Once Rin's attention is diverted, Ai pulls up his maps app again. He knows where the place is, but just in case.

Ai's expression is something between sympathetic and attentive, at the mention of Rin's father. When they first roomed together, Rin had always been reticent, but the times he opened up about his loss had been genuine and raw. Thankfully, anecdotes of Rin's fatass cat get a genuine chuckle out of Ai.

"You both left her as an empty-nester! Of course she's doting on the cat more now. Imagine having a child that never talks back, is cheaper to feed, and cuddles with you well past the age of ten. She's probably so happy."

A couple of straight blocks, then a right turn. They were close! Though they weren't close to Tokyo's city center, it was still urban enough for the magic of the city to come alive in ways they couldn't see back home; many many shops with many many people flitting in and out, some bright backlit displays casting colours down onto the pavement, gaggles of people in their friend groups or work groups loitering here and there. It felt alive and present in a way Iwatobi simply couldn't be.

"I would love to meet Steve some day." A left turn, and the pace with which Ai walks indicates they're on the block, "Ah-- should be any one of these facades...!"

[buttterfly]

Well when you put it like that... Rin bumps his shoulder against Ai's, laughing in the process.

"Making it sound like I'm the worst kid in the world." He smirks. "Someone went off to college, and decided to get a mouth on him."

It's refreshing. Seeing people grow and change in a way, coming into themselves. Ai probably hangs out with Sousuke too much, come to think of it. It sounds exactly like something his childhood friend would dryly say to him.

Tokyo is huge. Tokyo is bustling. Tokyo is crowded. Rin has been here a few times, but it doesn't compare to Sydney. And he feels a bit claustrophobic, something wanting to crawl out of his skin. Ai takes it all in stride though, and Rin really should too. It's not like he hasn't been stuffed into a dorm with four other dudes before in a room that rivaled his and Ai's in size. Just more bunks and scuffling over who woke who up first.

"Next time we're back in Iwatobi." Rin promises, gazing around at the shops surrounding them. "My Mom'll probably decide you're the second favorite child when she gets a load of you. Gou and I don't stand a chance."

[taeru]

"That's...!" The truth was Ai had a side of him that was equal parts tenacious and capricious, he just barely got the opportunity to show it around Rin. Too timid when they roomed together; not enough time together in second year for Rin to get a good read on him. A thought hits his psyche for critical damage: Is this better, or worse? Am I too much? Realizing he's slipping into old thinking patterns, he flushes from the tips of his ears down to his collar bone. Just be normal, Aiichirou!!

"That's," he begins again, clearing his throat, "Hardly the meanest thing I've said to you historically." Which isn't much of a save, but it is at least an objective truth.

They come across the restaurant, and just in time too; Ai was about to start examining his soul if not for the promise of food and letting something other than his own foot occupy his mouth. He opens the door, a small bell ringing at the top, and waits for Rin to enter first.

"Somehow, the idea of meeting Matsuoka-san is extremely intimidating." Even the idea of being in Rin's childhood home feels like sacred ground. "I'd have no choice but to make the best possible impression."

[buttterfly]

"Hold the door open for her like that, and she'll really disown me."

Slipping back into comfortable banter is nice. It eases the tension in him. Whether that's stemming from the "what ifs" the "i suck as a friends" or the "what the fuck am i doing with myselfs" and he waits for Ai to step in before grabbing a seat at the counter.

It's crowded, but manageable at least. Less so than the room of little elbows just outside the door. Being close to a university and all... it makes sense. Ugh. Rin makes a mental note to wake up a little earlier to go jogging, before the inevitable wave of students trudging to class gets going.

He looks at his phone really quick, seeing a few texts from Gou. He gives her a quick reply that he's landed and is feeding himself and not to worry before he stuffs it back in his pocket. His chin rests on his hand as he takes in the sights and smells of the place. It's quiet for a moment between them, before Rin breaks it.

"Ah, you're sure it's okay for me to stay right? Like you're not just saying that and then going to decide you miss having floor space right?" He laughs, but it comes out a bit more of a nervous bubble than anything. Self deprecating is in his blood, after all. Cautiously optimistic about things, never wanting to put too much weight into them... he shakes his head, laughing awkwardly again.

"Sorry. Seriously, I did not get a wink of sleep."

[taeru]

Ai settles in right beside Rin at the counter, habitually smiling at one of the chefs behind it, who seems to be moving about the food line as if he's done it ten-thousand times, and he probably has. There's a small menu laminated and taped to the counter wall, and Ai leans down to read it a bit better. The silence that falls between him and Rin is comfortable; it reminds him very much of their time sharing a dorm together. Ai would wager a majority of their time had been spent in peaceful silence and co-existence. At least on Ai's end, it never felt awkward; there was an intrinsic trust in Rin's presence, and his gut even now hasn't changed on that one.

Rin's voice has his head turning before his eyes do, wanting to make a mental note of what he feels he'll order, before he actually listens to Rin. And then Ai is left staring at Rin with knit eyebrows and a sincerity crossing his countenance. If he were more bold, he'd reach out to squeeze Rin's shoulder, his hand, something - unfortunately, though Ai's hand twitches in his lap, he can't quite conjure the willpower to bridge that gap.

He responds without even an ounce of hesitation, "I could not think of someone I'd rather have sharing my apartment than you, Rin-senpai." And then his voice grows just a touch quieter, "I've... I missed you. In all the ways I possibly could." His expression turns reassuring, with a small glint in his eye - trying not to turn the conversation too serious, "So if you need to make yourself feel better about it, imagine it as me being selfish, and let me have this one thing."

He immediately turns his attention to the chef, "One kake-soba, please."

[buttterfly]

Food is momentarily lost on him. Only because the corners of his eyes feel wet, and hot. That familiar sting that he swallows down the second he feels it beginning to creep up.

Let me have this one thing.

...right.

He tries to laugh it off, failing miserably and some stupid sounding blubbering laugh spits out instead. Which only makes him laugh even more, as he looks over the menu, asking the chef to double the order. Well, at least some people miss him. Have room for him in their lives still.

Rin shoves aside the thought, ordering himself a hot tea that tastes so much like home. He doesn't know what to say again, awkward flubbing through this conversation like he did his 100m his first year back at regionals. Ai is easy to talk to. That familiarity they always fell into back at their dorm was so comforting. Some of the better memories of his life post down under. Maybe there's room for better memories post down under part two.

"What made you settle on Tokyo anyways? You always seemed like the kind of guy to stay in a small town."

[taeru]

It wasn't the intended outcome, but Ai knows Rin well enough to know that a spot of waterworks is par for the course. He doesn't tease, doesn't belabour it; just flashes Rin a gentle smile, somewhere between apologetic and reassuring. Internally, it makes Ai wonder exactly how much Rin is filling his own cup, if at all. How lonely are you?

The question thankfully is banal enough to act as a perfect portal to a conversation that might not veer into territory that'd press Ai's 'cry on command' button too - his composure at most times was only barely stronger than Rin's, after all. They both had the issue of wearing their hearts on their sleeves.

"Well, I got into my top school, so my hand was kind of forced. But I think I'd want the experience anyway. Don't they say cities can change you? And besides, so many of our friends came out this way, I didn't want to feel too left behind..." He tilts his head, paired with a simper. "It is a lot though. I'm still not sure if I'll stay in a place like this forever." He looks to Rin, completely skipping over the fact his eyes are still wet, "How similar is it to Sydney do you think?"

[buttterfly]

The benefit of being weighed down for literal years by your own waterworks is the ease in which you can slip a mask on. Which Rin does, extremely well.

He nods. All perfectly logical, and reasonable. Damn, everyone really stuck together huh? Even if they are in different universities, prefectures. All bound together by camaraderie, and bound into one country together. Rin stares into his tea for a moment. Australia, the olympics. All these things had always been the end game, right? Sydney was the best way for that to happen. And maybe a little distance for his own journey of self exploration was... healthier still. Free from societal expectations as rigid as Japan's.

"Nothing like this." Rin scoffs lightheartedly, taking to swirling his tea in his cup. An out of sorts as he desperately craves something to do with his hands while waiting for their food. "Stuff's spread out a bit more. Buildings, people. Coming back to this humidity is no joke. Makes me feel like I'm on a different planet."

He knows Ai isn't asking about the weather. And that's when he pauses a bit. Trying to clamber over words that feel like oil on his tongue. Eventually, however, they do come to fruition. Though a bit more muted than his normal volume.

"Lonely as shit though, I tell you what. The guys are all real nice there. Everyone is. But definitely not the same as the people you grew up with."

Rin is thankfully saved from running his mouth any further, when two bowls are slid in front of them. And he takes to just shoving food in his mouth, and listening to whatever Ai has in response. Or maybe he'll get lucky and there will be no talking at all now that there's food in front of them.

[taeru]

Ai would like to think that if given the opportunity, he'd fly out to Australia to visit in a heartbeat. But he'd never want to impose, would never ever want to be the one to make that decision. Rin's words spell all, after all; the people he misses, the ones who make up his core are people not currently sitting at the soba restaurant counter. Ai knew his place in Rin's life, unique and niche as it was, and often had to remind himself not to get sucked into thoughts of insecurity - or worse, jealousy. Second best. No, third best. Has to remind himself that friendship is never that black-and-white. It wasn't four years ago, and it isn't now.

The arrival of their food is the perfect mental foot-in-mouth, stopping Ai's thoughts dead in their tracks as he immediately picks up his chopsticks, says thanks for the meal, and begins to dig in. The broth is warm, light, and subtly bright. Like a perfect salve both for his stomach and for his spirit.

He exhales a satiated sigh and very nimbly dodges the elephant in the room and chooses to hone in on low hanging fruit instead, "Eighty-five percent humidity couldn't stop me from eating a second bowl." He takes another mouthful, and then another. "Ahh, it makes me want to visit a bathhouse..."

[buttterfly]

There's. Something.

Rin can't quite pinpoint it. But Ai looks almost contemplative. But it's over a moment later, and his usual tone takes over. Rin gives him a look, but decides against pressing the issue. There's better, easier things anyhow. And Rin has no right to put his renewed roommate under the microscope. Not when he keeps so much of his own shit in his own head.

"You're nuts. I think I'd rather submerge myself with polar bears." He tries to keep the mood lighter than whatever he had been divulging into prior. Yes Australia was great but not great. Nobody else wants, or needs to hear about it all the time. He's just grateful for the new opportunity. Good food, good company. Yep. All good.

"So. Tell me something." He pries after he's eaten a bit more, leaning back in his chair a bit. "We're all chasing things. What's on the horizon for you? University now, sure. But what after?"

[taeru]

Ai titters, and the noise is genuine; whatever glimpse of something Rin thought he saw is now professionally covered up, spackled, sanded and painted.

"You say that, but I'm sure after the travel you've had, a nice hot bath at a sentou would be just the thing." Or maybe Ai is projecting? He was incredibly fond of any pool of hot water, especially so when stressed.

He's about finished with the contents of his bowl when Rin poses his question, and Ai looks to him with a considering expression. And a flash of that something again, for a moment, there and gone. Clearly a key component of a lot of his inner machinations.

"I'm not sure, to be honest. A part of me wanted to try and stay in the same world as everyone else," that of a swimmer, "But..." I'm outclassed. It isn't realistic, "Maybe it isn't in the cards for me." His spine straightens then, though, and he gestures with his hands as if clicking the shutter on a camera. "But I'm enjoying photography a lot, so maybe there's something there. Or I can get a boring job and keep the things I like as hobbies."

[buttterfly]

Ugh. Yeah, right again. He can't wait to get the layer of travel washed off of him. It feels like a second skin. A very grubby one, at that.

Maybe Rin misses that flash the second time around. Maybe he was busy listening while finishing off his food. Or maybe he was just blissfully ignorant to its existence two times in such a short span. But Rin likes listening to Ai talk. He certainly didn't do enough of it their first year, second room he was shacked up with Sousuke and well.

"I think you're driven enough to do anything you put your mind to." Rin adds thoughtfully. That little gesture is almost cute. He smirks at it, letting his chopsticks rest on the side of the bowl. "Don't think I forgot how you busted your ass second year. Beat out the best breaststroke time on the team. Now that's dedication."

A boring job, huh. He leans back a little in his chair, staring thoughtfully at the counter. Keeping hobbies as hobbies, fun like how they're supposed to be. He wonders what it's like to live in that kind of world. To not be so driven that everything is a competition, and needing to be the best of the best. Maybe it's refreshing. Or maybe it's lonely when all your other friends are striving for bigger and better. Rin tips his head.

"Still, no rush. Just figure out what works and doesn't yeah?"

[taeru]

"That's kind of you to say." And he knows Rin means it - Ai just wishes he could believe it, truly and deeply. He's made many strides since the beginning of high school, has straightened his backbone, grown confidence, learned to love himself and even his body. But there is perpetually one nagging, needling feeling that sits in the back of his head:

I feel so useless.

He's aware of it, at least. And knows that even if he missed the natural talent boat, he is the hardest working person he knows. What he doesn't have readily at his disposition he will always try to make up for with late nights and pure, raw, unmitigated effort. It's just hard not to be caught up in that insecurity, sometimes. Especially when half of your friends and friends of friends went on to be Olympians!

"I think I still owe Sousuke-senpai some kind of debt for all of his help," he chimes. Then looks at Rin sidelong, smile finally reaching his eyes. "And you, for the mysterious water bottles and protein bars I'd find near my gym bag."

Ai clasps his hands together after setting his chopsticks down, letting out a low and happy sigh. "That was delicious! And I'm so full... I might have to be rolled back to the apartment." And before Rin can even think of trying to intervene, Ai is sitting up and gesturing to the shopkeep, paying for both of their meals in cash.