for @buttterfly - post-tfln

[taeru]

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[buttterfly]

He squints, seemingly unable to differentiate Ai's tone between... something, or flat out sarcasm, or whatever that tone was earlier he so carelessly tossed out. Something in Rin's brain turns over, and his face burns as he tosses his gaze back towards his book.

He's seen hundreds of naked guys before. He's seen Ai naked a billion times. It's fine. He's seen--

"Ah, it's called 'Walk a little slower'." He holds the book out towards Ai, grateful for the out he is given from his intrusive thoughts. A little book, something one could shove in their pocket if desired. Rin's English is a second language, almost more than second nature at this point. It's easy to thumb over pages of it, being one of the things he was gifted at besides swimming. He looks at the white cover fondly.

"'I don't know what the future holds, if my days left are long or short.--well, you get it. Maybe grief is around the corner or a missed call on my face down phone back inside'."

It's stupid how easily words can be committed to memory when you pour over them enough times. They become engrained in you, a part of you.

[taeru]

To Rin's credit, Ai intends for all of it to be half-sarcastic banter, but unfortunately, there was that persistently sincere part of him that had a way of unintentionally toeing lines. And thus for Ai's sake, too, the book is a welcome distraction; he takes hold of it, not really surprised to see Rin's reading fully in English. Ai's tried to keep up his studies, but like most things, he hardly has a natural gift for it, and is nowhere near as fluent as Rin is.

"Walk a little slower," he repeats back, doing his best to maintain a neutral accent. Listens to Rin's recital of what must be one of the passages, and Ai thinks he semi-understands the meaning. He holds the book and tries to read the page it's open on and scratches his head with his other hand, "You make it sound so easy... Oh, but this is all so short." Ai realizes it isn't a narrative book, but rather a collection of short stories or poems. Maybe reading his own copy would be doable after all.

He purses his lips, "'Maybe there is good news in my inbox or a miracle waiting in the welcome of next month'..." A couple of those words make sense. He moves to hand the book back to Rin, "Reminds me of Ikigai."

[buttterfly]

"Poetry is a hell of a lot easier for practicing. Even if it doesn't make sense at first." He laughs softly, remembering the Richard Siken book he poured over obsessively in his youth. It didn't have a thick accent or judgmental passages. Instead offering a quiet sanctuary through confusing thoughts and the harsh realities of going oversees.

You know how to ride a dirt bike, and know long division. You know that a boy who likes boys is a dead boy unless he keeps his mouth shut. Which is what you didn't do.

He blinks the thoughts away, taking the book back from Ai with a small hum.

"Not bad, honestly. With a little practice, you might make an English major yet." He laughs softly, putting the book on the ground, easier access than rummaging back around in his bag. Good bedtime thoughts, for when his mind is racing too much. He looks around the small apartment, leaning back on his hands a little.

"What made you settle on this place?"

[taeru]

He figures it's gotten late enough and Rin is probably tired enough that he could justify shuffling over to his bed, but... As always, there's a magnetic pull with Rin's conversation, and Ai doesn't want to let the night go quite yet. Soon, yes. But for right now he's sitting on the floor beside Rin, legs crossed, towel still around his neck and hands in his lap.

"It was cheap." A pragmatic smile to match a pragmatic response. "For the size, anyway. Close enough commute to campus and a few places I could apply for work without cutting too much into my day." And then he looks around, at all his thrifted, small-store furniture and his knickknacks lining every single shelving surface, and then looks back to Rin, eyebrows knit with his sheepish curiosity. "I don't think it's anything compared to the suite you had in Australia, though. I could see snippets of what it looked like in some of the photos you'd sent. There's no way to describe that place other than romantic." Floor to ceiling windows? Come on.

[buttterfly]

That really does light a fire under his skin, and he scoffs, fixating on the floor instead. That looks a lot more interesting than whatever comparison or verbiage Ai is using to describe his old place.

"Shut it, it wasn't like that." It wasn't. He can ignore the dreams he had every now and again about being pressed against those fucking windows, overlooking the city. It wasn't why he bought it though thanks!!

He focuses instead on Ai telling him that it was close, convenient. Is that what a home is sometimes? Is it not meant to always be your forever place, where you grow old and raise a family? Sometimes it's just a place to sleep, read, eat and study. Rin bites his lip.

Did they ever sit this close back in the dorm? Eh. Probably not, but it's fine.

"Hopefully whatever I find isn't a shithole. This place is pretty nice, honestly."

[taeru]

Rin's defensive response has Ai's eyebrows raising to his hairline. It almost makes him wonder what could have possibly happened in that apartment to have Rin's pout tugging at his jowls--

"Sorry. Your platonic, boring apartment." With a beautiful view of sunset. Through floor-to-ceiling windows. And a perfect setting for a non-exhaustive number of Ai's completely normal, in absolutely no way untoward, pure and well-intentioned daydreams about its former occupant.

His mind is Somewhere and Rin clearing his throat brings him back to reality, blinking owlishly for a moment before regarding Rin. That was Ai's superpower: he was a professional at compartmentalizing. What doesn't make it to his face is the way his BPM has spiked into triple digits.

"I didn't know you planned to move back." And he is trying so, so hard not to get his hopes up. For his own sake, he can't. "It, um." Composure, Aiichirou!! "If you know where to look, Tokyo can be affordable. But there's other cities close-by that would give better pricing for the size. I guess it depends what you plan on doing." Then, he's quickly waving a hand in front of his face. "Not that I want you to leave! Any time soon. Stay here as long as you need to. But when the time comes to hunt for a place, I can help."

[buttterfly]

The platonic, boring comment almost ruffles his feathers to the point he disputes that too. But he keeps his mouth shut, near biting his tongue in the process. Everyone in his life has found him easy to tease. It's just how he's always been.

Rin blinks at him. He has a two track mind, and both those tracks are so fixated on the All Japan, keeping secrets from his other friends about his return...that he doesn't even consider he may not have ever opened his trap about actually moving back.

"Thanks man, I appreciate it. Promise I won't get in your hair too much." He rubs the back of his neck, letting his other hand trail over where he put his book for a moment. The little things to keep his hands and head busy. "I don't know if Tokyo is for me long term, not gonna lie. Pretty loud."

It's one of the things he misses so much about home. The stars. The quiet beyond the roar of the sea. Ugh, he really is a romantic isn't he?

"But this place suits you. You've gotten everything so organized it's almost like the corners have their own stories."

[taeru]

Ai shakes his head, "I don't know if it's for me long term, either. But it's where I am now." And one of the greatest things Ai has learned is to go where life leads you, even if it's out of your comfort zone. He tries to, anyway.

He again looks around his studio when Rin says it suits him; Ai supposes it does. It's filled with the things he loves. Posters he got framed himself from hyper-indie bands and niche foreign films. Small trinkets and oddities and statuettes posing as decorations here-and-there. It's almost like the corners have their own stories. And Ai just looks at Rin. With a head tilt and a slowly growing wide grin, because they are perhaps for once thinking the same exact thing--

"That was very romantic of you, senpai." And he means it in the traditional sense of the word, but still. The fact it's come up three times in one evening is a little silly, and nearly gets a laugh to bubble up and out of Ai's throat. He breaks eye contact suddenly and gestures around the living space, "Our dorm could have looked like this too if you weren't snapping at me like a drill sergeant." Nice save.

[buttterfly]

He grits his teeth. Okay, maybe Rin is a little sensitive and tired and worn out. But christ, why does everyone fixate on him being romantic? He's said it a handful of times definitely only a handful. It's like people just equate it to being the soul placement of his personality.

Rin rolls his eyes, unable to hold Ai looking at him like that. For whatever reason, it makes him feel worse, like something tightening in his stomach.

"Yeah, yeah I know." He huffs, pulling his pillow out of his duffel bag and shoving it next to his book and water bottle. "Sorry I made such an ass out of myself." It's true. He really is sorry. He hates the way he acted, it makes him feel gross.

[taeru]

"I didn't mean," Ai starts, and then stops mid-sentence. I didn't mean it in that way. Truth told, Ai tried very very very hard not to bring up their dynamic during their first year of friendship. Ai for his part has moved way past it, but he knows Rin still often feels guilty, and Ai doesn't want to strike the anvil of shame while it's hot. He sucks in a breath.

"You had a lot going on, senpai." Gently, reassuringly, Ai flashes Rin a smile. Because he doesn't mean to justify Rin's behaviour; rather, Ai just thinks it's more worth it to detail that he understands rather than reiterate over and over how much he's forgiven Rin. Then he simpers, "I wasn't exactly at my best, either. Some of it was deserved."

[buttterfly]

"I know you didn't, sorry. Just get a little defensive still." He admits, flopping over to lay on his side with his back towards Ai. Easier to talk to someone when you don't have to look at their face, or something. Ugh. Is he turning into Haru?

"Nobody deserves to be treated gross, even if they might deserve it. Which you didn't by the way." He tacks on quickly, letting his cheek rest against the floor, staring over at the small kitchen.

"I was in such a messed up place in my own head. When I was a kid... Australia was supposed to solve all my problems. Didn't do jack shit but make more of them." He laughs, a mix between bitter and self understanding laced into his tone. Rin can admit these things now. Ai's always been easy to talk to. About most topics, at least. Even when he was a right dick, Ai still clung onto Rin's words like they were important.

He didn't, doesn't, deserve it. Rin sighs, letting his gaze drift back towards the floor.

"Ugh. Sorry. Didn't mean to trash the mood."

[taeru]

Ai watches as Rin rolls over, immediately flashing back to the countless times he's seen this exact scene. He can remember so many late nights where they toed the boundary of a hard conversation, Rin laid out on his bed with his back to the room, and Ai at his desk looking at Rin's shoulders and spine with what was probably an expression of utter defeat. This time around, it's different; it's just patience, and curiosity.

"Sure, sure... What I meant more is that I wasn't kind to you, either. Maybe I didn't yell, but in other ways." Putting Rin on a pedestal did neither of them favours; in a way, Ai stoked Rin's fires. Made himself an easy target. And there is something to be said about catching feelings for your roommate, but Ai isn't touching that with a ten-foot pole.

He has half a mind to lay right beside Rin; it's his instinct, even. But Ai is also cognizant of leaving Rin the space he needs to think and speak, hence him rolling over in the first place. So instead, Ai relaxes; sits on the floor cross-legged and looks to Rin with consideration and a spot of concern.

"Senpai..." Ai leans down a bit, as if to try and get a glimpse of Rin's face from over his shoulder without actually entering his bubble, "If you don't mind me asking... What exactly happened in Australia?" Rin's mentioned it in passing enough times that Ai feels it's appropriate to ask in plain language.

[buttterfly]

It's quiet for a few beats.

Rin thinks Ai has just dropped it. It feels like it. The tension in him relaxes, and his muscles almost droop coupled with exhaustion and the weight of this whole night. But he can feel the weight of something stirring. It makes his fingers twitch, like somebody is carefully analyzing him.

Because then it happens.

What exactly happened in Australia?

His breathing stops, and everything in him tightens again. Because he doesn't know how to answer that. A cold part of him immediately turns to his and Haru's trip. The one everyone asked them about. Makoto at the airport... Sousuke poolside at nationals... fuck, even Ty ventured to press Rin when he moved back. But Ai could also be inquiring into what Rin literally just talked about, and Rin shoves that stupid fucking trip into the back of his head.

"It." He stammers a bit, curling in on himself. Like that will do something to shield him from this question. How do you begin to tell someone you fucking hit a wall, and everything changed? "That..."

His words are broken for a minute. Because Rin feels that raw shame.

"I sucked." He almost laughs out, staring at a very interesting patch of spackle on the wall. "I didn't fit in. Couple of the guys were nice, but the rest were." Rin stops, his fingers digging into his arms. He mentally shakes the thought loose. He hates it. Those stupid names lent to his coldness coming back, being so bitter losing that race to Haru.

"Probably writing love letters to that dude he never shuts up about."

"He's fucking obsessed."

"Bet he bends over in the showers."

"Gross! You think he's like staring at our junk and shit??"

It culminated into Rin breaking one of the boy's noses, a sea of red clouding his vision. He cried when his coach called Lori, who in turn called his Mom. Who in turn forced him back for winter break, and well. Train tracks and pools and broken hearts.

Rin bites his lip, smiling like that would somehow take the weight off of him. It doesn't. It never does. "I lost all the time. Stopped swimming. So I'd never have to listen to those fuckers again."

...

"Unless you're asking about that fucking trip with Haru, like everyone else did at Nationals." Literally. Everyone. Wow, you booked it to Australia with Haru? | What did you show him that changed his mind about swimming?? | Haru looks so happy. Something good happen?

Rin just wanted them to shut up. He couldn't even think back on that night. That culmination of everything, boiling over into something that looked like it was planned. Haru didn't think that, of course. The way Haru looked at him felt like everything between the two of them was repaired. All those years of distance and heartbreak. Their faces drifting closer, bodies hot under the sheets. The inkling Rin had always had coming to fruition. Only to be promptly dismissed because distance. It wouldn't work. Rin telling Haru he was moving to Australia, and that sad smile and good luck. Fuck. He hates himself so much.

Something cold washes over him at the memory. That implication that Rin booked a single on purpose. Would Ai think that's what Rin was doing? Trying to trick his way under his sheets or something?

[taeru]

It comes in waves from Rin. A shame, and then a sadness, and then a bitterness. And then one of the toughest walls Ai feels he's faced in years. He doesn't think he's seen Rin so defensive and closed off since the very first day they met, all stiff shoulders, muttered words, biting remarks and a disposition that screamed don't touch me.

Then and now it remains Ai's fatal flaw. He isn't scared of the spikes. He knows under all of it is someone who could afford to let himself be loved a little more. No remorse or hesitation to reach for the heart, even if the serration leaves marks on his way back out.

He's about to open his mouth and comment on what very much was the stint in Australia he meant to ask about, right before Rin crash-landed in Samezuka, but Rin's harsh, stone-cold pivot has a sudden anxious knot tying itself in Ai's stomach. Suddenly he's glad he didn't ask Rin about the trip the day he'd arrived home. Ai had his own motives for keeping the conversation on literally anything else going on at the time; he had heard enough of what Rin and Haruka had gotten up to behind closed doors, he didn't need a firsthand account.

Saliva coats the inside of his mouth, suddenly. He wishes he could call it jealousy, even anger, but the mild sickness crawling up the back of his throat is instead born of self-pity and a deep, unmitigated frustration he knows he will never, ever be able to shake off. I am so useless. He has to swallow before he speaks to keep his composure, going so far as to momentarily touch Rin's shoulder before retiring his hand back into his lap; a subtle reminder he isn't alone.

"No, I wasn't asking about that trip." He sits with a straighter spine, takes in a measured breath. "You've mentioned your first trip to Australia a few times, but never in detail... But it's obvious it always stuck with you. That's all."

It's a sudden, painful awareness. Third-best was a generous assumption; it may very well be that Ai's place is the only safe landing spot Rin has that doesn't dredge up bad memories. Rather thank sink into his insecurity, he does what he always does best: projects it onto Rin, instead.

"If nothing else, senpai, I hope the next time you're able to return to Australia, you're able to do so with a clear head and only good things to look forward to. So long as you're here, you have a safe launch pad." He wrenches his eyes shut and flops down onto the floor, arms crossed over his face. "I promise." I absolutely can never, ever let this be a problem. This stays with me.

[buttterfly]

He damn near flinches from the gentle touch on his shoulder. It feels like something dripping with pity. Something he never fucking asked for. There's a dip into his old head. The one who bristled at any indication of anything towards himself. Like he wasn't worthy or deserving of it. He isn't. He doesn't need that.

Boys don't cry.

They don't cry when they're woken up in the middle of a nap alone to a haunting call. They don't cry when they're forced to deliver the worst news in the world to their mother. They don't cry when they have to take care of their sister, and mother and pretend like everything is fine. They don't need pity.

Rin's nails dig painfully into his palms. He tries to keep himself in check. Ai has always been his painfully kind voice of reason. That little angel on his shoulder reminding him to keep his feelings in check, and be kind and--

Rin hasn't even been here for a night, and he feels like he's monumentally fucked everything up completely. The way he can feel Ai roll onto the floor next to him, tossing an arm over his gaze. Being so kind like Rin is something precious, something that deserves to be treated as such. Rin's never made it a secret that certain topics shove him over the edge. It's why he teeters away from them so frequently.

But he dove right into this thinking he was ready. He was wrong, so so wrong.

"Yeah, right." That bitter tone encompasses a soft laugh slipping past his lips. His eyes land on that book, that precious thing to him. And he chucks it against the wall. It's like Ai is insinuating he go back to Australia. Right of course. Nobody wants him here. What a fucking joke. What a mistake to think this would work out so easily. Rin thought he had changed. But apparently not in the grand scheme of things.

The book smacks against the wall.

"Don't worry, it's obvious it's just a safer option there anyways." Rin grits his teeth, looking over his shoulder at Ai. It's a hard expression to read. Even Rin himself doesn't know exactly what he's feeling beyond the blood boiling every which way. But then Ai drops that fucking bomb, one that Rin feels like he wasn't supposed to be privy to.

So long as you're here, you have a safe launch pad". He almost chokes on his spit, because what the actual fuck? Rin rolls over in an instant, giving Ai a heavy look.

"That's it? Not gonna call me gross or anything?" He's compartmentalizing, he knows he is. But he's damn near shaking from the intensity of the conversation. Being forced to look at everything again in a new perspective, so achingly close to everything--everyone--again. Rin scoffs. He's on another planet at this point. Absolutely grasping for straws, in thinking Ai means one thing when he truly means another.

[taeru]

Ai jolts out of his skin at the sound of Rin's book smacking against the wall. He isn't sure what he was expecting, but a unanimously negative reaction to an attempt at reassurance? He's so stunned he barely can comprehend enough of his own emotions to call it regret or remorse for having said something at all. He's half-sat up and suddenly faced with Rin who is staring at him with an unidentifiable darkness in his eyes. It makes Ai's gut sink all over again.

First, breaths. There had been a right jolt of adrenaline at the loud thud! of Rin's book. Don't worry, it's obvious it's just a safer option there anyways. Ai realizes in an instant what direction Rin had taken his words, and it's Ai's first instinct with a clear head to clarify--

"Rin-senpai, I never--"

-- but Rin's mind just keeps going, and Ai watches in real time as that unreadable darkness morphs into something far more intimidating.

Ai's left to stare, bewildered and hurt. He sits up fully now, as if to give himself the leverage of talking to Rin in such a direct and contrarian way; a literal high road. His expression perfectly teeters between fearful and affronted.

"Why would I? Senpai, you're here because I wanted you to be." It's Ai's turn to dig crescent bites into his palm, white-knuckled, toeing a fine line against sentiments he'd rather be kept sealed all the way shut. A sincerity backs his words and with it a gravitas; it's like tapping into a forbidden magic, the kind that corrupts slowly the more it is used. "Because I missed having you around. If it were up to me, you would stay here as long as I do." His eyebrows knit in the middle of his forehead.

"You can go ahead and feel guilty for taking up space, but I'm going to give it to you anyway." Then, slowly, Ai rises to his feet. Doesn't say a single damn word as he walks across the room to fetch the book Rin's just launched across it; there's a scuff mark on the wall. Ai looks over Rin's book to make sure it isn't damaged - a small bend on the very top of its spine but nothing serious - before padding back over, squatting in front of Rin, and handing the book back to him.

Softly, "At least aim at me next time. You'll upset the neighbors otherwise."

[buttterfly]

There's stinging words echoing in his head, clotting out all rationale.

The blond boy in the red trunks is holding your head underwater because he is trying to kill you, and you deserve it, you do, and you know this, and you are ready to die in this swimming pool because you wanted to touch his hands and lips and this means your life is over anyway.

Over. And over. And over. And over again.

It's always been true. It's so obvious. How cultivated for this type of behavior he is. Something stoked underneath layers of masks, things that so easily slip and crack. Rin can barely hear Ai's reassurance, that it isn't like that. The same reassurance that fell on deaf ears when he thought he broke his hand against the vending machine.

And why can't it fucking work this time? Why can't someone's gentle reassurance soothe him? Why is it always hanging onto old words, things that shouldn't matter. Stupid boys and locker room talk and derogatory terms that ended up being so disgustingly true. He's trying to suck in deep breaths through his teeth, trying to will the shaking in his shoulders away.

Why does somebody like Ai want someone like him here? It starts with a single tear. And then a few more. Bitter, angry things dripping down his face, leaving a hot sting in their wake.

"I don't--" He spits out, though it comes out as more of a choke. "I'm not. Gonna fucking hit you." He wouldn't. Couldn't. But those angry tears still slip out one at a time. It's nonsensical, like Rin doesn't even know what he's trying to say.

Because Ai offers him that olive branch. And Rin wants to puke. He tries scrubbing at his face, snatching his book back and shoving it back underneath his pillow. A sanctuary from his anger. The only safe place. He wishes Ai would leave, and just give himself that safe space in turn. But Rin gripes with himself, and grits out.

"Because everyone thinks for some reason I--" He chokes off the last of that response. He can't bring himself to say it. His tone is so angry, and he just. "Why the fuck is it such a big deal? Why does everyone assume the worst, just because someone likes dick? It's like after that you can't exist in the same fucking space or something."

[taeru]

Ah.

Suddenly it all makes sense. What to Ai had been an obvious reality was to Rin an overwhelming, excruciating burden. Ai never in a million years would have assumed so much of Rin's anguish to be tied up in something so-- pedestrian. So human. So not specific. A grief Ai understands, and learned to internalize at a younger age - a privilege afforded to him, perhaps, on account of his smaller stature. For him, he had a secondary social script to fall back on, to use as a shield against words that hurt because they're true.

Rin was different. He was tall, and strong, and confident, and not meant to be torn down in such a way. And Rin at his core was someone who felt everything very deeply. Ai understands all in one instant an entirely different picture of the past four-to-five years of anguish, outbursts, hurt, cut words and aborted conversations. Ai had taken it for granted when he shouldn't have. Add in a healthy dose of heartbreak on Rin's part, or so Ai suspects, and...

Ai keeps his hands to himself. He so badly just wants to take Rin and fold him against his chest, press his head to his shoulder, reassure Rin in all the ways Ai would hope to be reassured. Touched; reminded he isn't dirty. But he knows Rin, and knows he'll make it known when he wants that kind of comfort. Ai instead has the much harder job of choosing his words.

He titters.

"If I thought any of that I'd be a hypocrite." And for a different reason entirely, he is one anyway. Ai clears his throat somewhat awkwardly then, entirely unclear what kind of landmines he's stepping on but thinking that bridging that gap and letting Rin know he isn't alone without making it about himself is the only way forward, "And besides. Nanase-san became a frequent enough fixture that it was normal between us anyway." Him and Rin, he means. As if to say how little he gave Rin's sexuality any thought; a foregone conclusion. "If you read my journals from first year, you'd be beside yourself."

[buttterfly]

There's two fixations suddenly. Things Ai says that don't slip past Rin. Because while he's grasping for straws right now, but he's actually at a point where he can hear through the noise. At least superficially. The first bringing a fresh wave of panic. Hypocrite. Surely Ai doesn't think that--

He stammers before Ai has even finished, apologies for things that don't even exist outside of Rin's head fresh on his tongue.

"I--Sorry, sorry. I wasn't trying..."

Wasn't trying what exactly? He can't pinpoint it. But he feels like he maybe overstepped in a few places. Rin's teasing words can sometimes come off as other things. And if Ai gets it, says it would make him a hypocrite... Does Ai think that Rin's trying-- His face burns.

Natsuya's words sting in that moment though. Wow, adulterous. Just how many guys do you want to swim with? And it comes crashing down. All culminated in a hot, wave of shame as Ai finished out in the same second.

Why did he try so hard to pretend it wasn't a thing? Despite all the signs that were there. And it's clear Ai didn't miss them. Did everyone else notice? Were those boys so long ago right? Was he that easy--

"...how? I--" Because Ai is talking about Haru now, and that stirs up a panic. Frequent enough? So did that mean? Rin tries swallowing around the obnoxious lump settling in his throat. His hand is fumbling for something to cling to, and the only thing he can think of is grabbing at Ai's sleeve. It's grounding in whatever this is.

You'd be beside yourself. And if those aren't the most terrifying words he's ever been presented with. He tries to scoff, but it falls flat. Rin's hand shakes. "Why are you talking about Haru??" As if the answer isn't obvious.

[taeru]

"-- I know. It's okay."

Knows Rin didn't think of him that way. He didn't need the reminder, and was just as eager as Rin to push past that sentiment as fast as possible.

Ai just. Stares. Heart leaden in his chest. It's a kind stare, very very cognizant to not let his own internal turmoil boil over and paint his face. He's gotten so very good at that while with Rin. But on his end, he's stunned into silence. Even now, even now, cards laid bare on the table, Rin is trying to explain away-- something. And that isn't what upset Ai; he has all the patience in the world to reach a middle ground with Rin, to come to understand him better and wait for Rin to do the same in return. To grow that confidence.

Ai is hung up on the fact that someone or someones has pushed Rin so far that this is his knee-jerk reaction to something so inconsequential. Ai may as well have just accused him of cheating, or having stolen a large sum of money; not revealing they're on the same team. It makes his heart shatter. All the problems he thinks he can fix with just the right words and the right amount of compassion-- suddenly, it's all an uphill battle. Rin's adversities vastly outperforms Ai's blip on Rin's radar of life. Ai swallows; now is really not the time to be ruminating and fixated upon how useless he feels.

Rin's grabbing his sleeve, and Ai crosses his opposite arm to smooth over Rin's hand with his thumb. That same simple attempt at acknowledging him without forcing anything more or less. And in this instance, it's serving to ground Ai, too. The panic in Rin's voice so suddenly...

Ai's voice is measured in a calm, quiet lull. "I-- um. Sorry. I guess I misinterpreted." No, Ai knows he didn't. But if he gives Rin the space to correct the record on his own, it also gives him a chance to acknowledge the demon in his head... Or so is Ai's gamble. He tacks on quickly as if to try and cut the tension and expectation, "Or maybe I was hopeful? At the time. Thinking I'd made a friend who was like me."

[buttterfly]

It’s something so deprecating to his self worth. The way he’s treated like something that matters. Like none of this matters, and it’s just Rin at his core.

He thinks he understands the out Ai is giving him. But that soft brush of skin, the trace of AI’s thumb over his skin tells another story. It reminds him of the kindness he has spared others so easily. For all their transgressions. Why can’t he allow himself that same thing?

Rin bites his lip, grip tightening on AI’s shirt. He swallows, swiping his tongue over his lips. Because for once words seem completely lost. Even a stammering influx of non cohesive words and thoughts seems lost.

But he tries. Rin tries because Ai is trying, and deserves reciprocation in the kindest form. It doesn’t bother him that Ai is coming out to him. There’s relief. That somebody else gets it. And if Rin had the same experience, surely Ai has had similarities.

”No. You didn’t…” Ai pegged him. It’s fine. It’s not bad apparently. There’s kindred spirits in this quiet apartment.

Theres only one reason Ai could be bringing up Haru like that. He tries to save that for later because he can feel that…

”It doesn’t bother me.” He sighs, unable to meet AI’s gaze. But he doesn’t rip his hand away either. Grateful for the reassuring brush of physical contact for once. “Sorry. For freaking out. It’s nothing bad. Being—“ he can’t bring himself to say the word. But he hopes Ai gets the insinuation.

Even though he dimly thinks it’s fine for everyone except him. Aspiring Olympian. Unable to even know if his dad would approve.

Rin just laughs through the tears. Because it feels so stupid. Why does it fucking matter? Why is it only him?

”You’ve got the patience of a saint you know.” He huffs, sweeping his own thumb across Ai’s arm.

[taeru]

Ai does get it, and doesn't need Rin to spell it out, especially not when Rin seems extremely reluctant to do so. Ai can't blame him, honestly; despite having found inner peace years ago, it's still not something he's exactly practiced saying outright. He just lives as he is, encouraging people to take it or leave it. Loud, unapologetic decrees weren't his forte, and he can't blame Rin for not wanting to do that either. The only reason Ai even mentioned it in passing at all was specifically to bridge the gap to Rin's feelings; to show him he isn't alone.

"You once took a journal from me while I was mid-sentence about these kinds of things, and I felt my blood run cold. So I get it." It's a loose fit - the page being very specific to Rin was more the reason for Ai's panic at the time. But still, the principle stands, and Rin doesn't need to know specifics.

And just like that - the traitorous, damned beast that is his instinct. Skin alighting with goosebumps at the pad of Rin's thumb, a molten heat dribbling down the back of his throat past his lungs and right into his core. How much would Rin backtrack and rescind if he knew? Despite himself, Ai simpers, the smile teetering on the edge of bittersweet.

"If our circumstances were reversed, I'd like to think you'd take care of me too. It isn't patience," it is, "It's just being a friend." He swallows thick. And then laughs softly in a sudden moment of self-awareness, "At least there's no ladder to keep climbing up and down this time to see where you're at. My calves will thank me in the morning."

[buttterfly]

"Shit. Sorry, I shouldn't have been so grabby." He mutters awkwardly. Even with the excuse of just trying to get Ai to clean up his shit...

It's besides the point now, unfortunately. It does no good for Rin to mentally beat himself over prior transgressions that literally don't hold merit anymore. Because Ai is right. Friendship is give and take. Rin could put himself into his roommate's shoes, and would do the same a thousand times over. Because that's basic kindness right? He's oblivious to the happenings that the pad of his thumb is causing, however. Which might be less than kind. But he's grateful for the point of contact in the obliviousness.

Rin can't force himself to meet Ai's gaze, however. Eye contact being notoriously difficult in emotionally charged moments of vulnerability. But he can let a small laugh slip loose at the sound of Ai's, even if the tension hasn't necessarily dissipated.

"I hate bunk beds." He admits stupidly, his free arm tossing itself over his eyes. That shield, pretending his tears simply don't exist and it makes it easier to excuse the lack of eye contact. Because there's an elephant in the room now, and Rin doesn't think he can just pretend there wasn't the insinuation.

"...Ai." He grits out, trying to keep his voice level. And from a self deprecating spiral into sobbing at the prospect of him somehow outing himself. His fingers tighten on Ai, slipping from just the fabric of his shirt to his arm. "Why did you bring up Haru?" He asks it again. Because it's the thing everyone seems to fixate on. It's the thing those fucking boys latched onto, and used as collateral for their cruelty.

But he also tacks on (because he suddenly feels very small, and doesn't want this conversation to solely revolve around him). "...when did you know? About you, that is."

[taeru]

Ai laughs along with Rin, grateful for the momentary lift of the tension in the room, and especially grateful to see Rin still has it in him tonight to be self-aware enough to smile, even if it doesn't quite reach his eyes yet. It reminds Ai he still has to lay out Rin's futon; he'll do so once this ordeal is behind them.

Then Rin calls his name, and Ai knows some kind of loaded question is coming. In the scant time between that and Rin's actual question, Ai's mind races a thousand thoughts a second. Is this it? Is the mirage over? Am I done for? There's no way. I was so careful. He'll want to move out. It's over. It comes as a relief to instead hear Rin ask about Haruka. If Rin's perceptive, he might even see the way Ai's shoulders had stiffened and then relax to near-gelatinous once the question is actually posed.

The answer is simple and doesn't need dressing, and Ai trusts Rin not to throw a second tantrum in one night. So Ai weasels a hand under Rin's to gently pry it away from his bicep; instead, Ai guides Rin's hand to the top of his own thigh, where Ai is loosely kneeling in front of Rin still, and pats Rin's hand with both of his own. Makes it inexplicably clear that Ai has zero hang-ups about any of this, and what his priority is.

"In first year, I assumed you had feelings for him." Ai rolls his eyes up in thought for a moment, and then it's his turn to not be able to make eye contact; a spot on the floor between them is suddenly very interesting. "I know what yearning looks like, so I took a guess. That's all." And then he quickly amends before Rin can get any thoughts in his head, "It didn't bother me at all. It just made me worry sometimes whether or not you were alright."

Asked about his own experience, well. Ai laughs again, but the noise is poignantly bittersweet.

"Middle school? I think. I was scolded for sending a note to one of the other boys on Valentine's Day despite that being sensei's prompt." Ai then shrugs, "And I put a word to it in high school a little after we met." He leaves out the grittier details; the unfortunate, borderline violent stories he is willing to wager they both share.

[buttterfly]

He misses the shoulders drop, but not for lack of trying. Everything's blurry through his leaky eyes. There's no use in fighting the shame this time around. It's all out in the open now. It wouldn't have taken a genius to figure it out after all. Rin was anything but subtle.

He sucks in a shuddering breath. Focusing on the expanding of his lungs, as opposed to the boiling in his blood, that fresh, hot wave of shame building needlessly. It's stuffed into a corner temporarily. Because he latches onto that little phrase. Even if only for a moment. I know what yearning looks like. Rin wonders if that's from personal experience or--

Ai's touch is warm on his hands, and he doesn't snatch the appendage away despite feeling self conscious at needing something like coddling. It's nothing new to Ai. Ai has seen Rin at his lowest. Through nightmares, and toxicity with his own mindset.

But he posits not to answer it with anything, not at first. Instead latching onto Ai's words. Because addressing some of those things, sharing those details of your life can be challenging. And Rin knows Ai did the same, and just wants to offer the same courtesy in exchange. Despite not knowing some of the more painful details behind it. It's quiet for a moment, before Rin continues.

"...yeah. You were right." He sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. The small sting a carefully constructed distraction. "Sort of why talking about Australia sets me off. That last trip before graduation mostly."

But back into Ai territory. Not because he's not willing to talk about it right now, but because he wants him to feel heard as well. "That's shit. I'm sorry."

Assignments shouldn't be contingent on gender like that. While the violent stories are silent, they're far from forgotten. It's likely Ai has experienced some of the same cruelties though. A pang of regret settles in him at the prospect of the Samezuka team having had anything to do with the instances. Most of the boys were kind, and Seijuro would have beat the pulp out of anyone bad mouthing a member of their team. But behind closed doors, well. Anything is fair game.

"Sounds like that was sort of the year everyone found themselves, I guess."