for @buttterfly - post-tfln

[taeru]

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[taeru]

"Woodberry." A very chic, modern, refreshing coffee shop and bakery. The nice part about it was that Ai could guarantee he'd never be home later than six, thanks to it only operating in the morning and afternoon. It allowed for a decent balance between work, school, and swimming - giving him enough time to still relax and enjoy the smaller things, too.

He can tell the exhaustion is finally settling in on Rin besides, and the call to go home comes not a second too soon; Ai feels he could use a moment to clear his head anyway.

"Shower's all yours once we're back," Ai chimes, immediately pivoting ninety degrees to shoot straight down a street that would bring them back to the apartment in no time. "Everything that's in there is yours to share. Well," he tilts his head, "Everything in the apartment is, really. But I especially want you to take it easy tonight after all the travel you've done, senpai."

[buttterfly]

"Thanks, man." He follows Ai down the detour, trying to formulate everything to memory. It's easier to memorize things this way. Yeah there's whole computers in pockets now, but there's something about committing something to memory. Something that makes it more rewarding.

He glances over at Ai. Carelessly generous, as always. Rin doesn't feel like he deserves it. He has a few travel toiletries, but he should really go out and get his own stuff. Just not to impose. He's already taking up so much of Ai's residence. He runs his fingers through his hair, that nervous tic he's always had.

The city is as alive at night, as it is during the day. At least it's free of the work commuters and some students. It's not like Sydney. But there's Ai, casually leading them back to his home.

Rin shoves his hands in his pockets, stifling down a noise. He wants to take it easy, find a place he can commit to. He's a romantic at heart, after all. His first apartment in Japan should match that. It's why Ai's offer seemed so tempting. He just can't get over that feeling of imposing.

"Just don't freak if I sleep twelve hours straight."

[taeru]

Ai's persistent selflessness was a double-edged sword. It's earned him good standing among his closest friends, Rin included, but has gotten him hurt in the past - Rin included. He's even analyzed himself on the issue on multiple occasions, the evidence for which sit inside many of his journals. A product of his family and his childhood and of simply always trying to see the best out of something or someone.

He feels Rin's eyes on him, but doesn't engage. Can't even begin to fathom what Rin might be thinking about, though if Ai had to guess, it likely wasn't too important. Grateful to be in common company again, maybe? It's only when he thinks Rin's attention isn't rapt on him that Ai deigns to do the same, measuring Rin's countenance in the cast of passing streetlights. Traitorously, it makes his heart thump against his rib cage.

In no time at all, they're happening upon the facade of Ai's apartment building, leading them both down the small walkway to the stairwell.

"I'll start panicking at hour thirteen," he teases in reply, reaching into his pocket for his keys. He unlocks the door, stepping aside to let Rin in first, "Besides, I don't make a habit of waking sleeping bears." Does he think Rin would claw his head off woken up prematurely? Maybe.

[buttterfly]

The sleeping bear jab makes him choke a little. He's about to round on Ai, and be very much what the hell but he snorts a half laugh out instead. He gives him a look, playfully rolling his eyes as he slips out of his shoes.

"What, you hold the door open for everyone you bring home?"

Rin laughs again, plopping down to dig through his bag for his shower supplies. Oh fuck yes, this is going to feel heavenly. There are few great pleasures in life. One is absolutely showering the inch of twelve hour flight grime off of yourself.

"Do you need one tonight? I can leave some water for you."

[taeru]

It's Ai's turn to nearly snort and laugh, not expecting that kind of quip from Rin.

"Only the ones I really like."

It's easy to banter. Ai missed this. And Rin makes it so easy. Ai closes and locks the door behind them both, toeing off his shoes in the genkan and wandering into the living room. He may not be as tired as Rin, but prior to Rin's arrival Ai had a stacked day, too; he collapses back-first onto his couch, one leg tossed over the arm rest, the other just off the side of the cushions. Then stretches his back, his spine popping in a satisfying way, earning a soft groan from him.

"Yes, please. Though the hot water heater is pretty good, so don't feel a need to skimp."

[buttterfly]

Rin raises an eyebrow, but doesn't reply to the comment, in lieu of grabbing his shower bag and shoving himself into the bathroom. He's overthinking because he always in. Only the ones I really like. That. Huh. Alright.

The shower is everything he dreamed of. He turns it up so much he swears a layer of skin peels off of him. He presses his forehead against the tile, letting his eyes slip shut as he contemplates. He hasn't told anyone he's back yet, not even Sousuke. That painful admission that yeah Australia was his dream. But here he is again. He's sure Natsuya will blab though. Would it be better for people to find out from him? Or Rin himself. Ugh. He gently raps the wall with a fist, tapping his foot as he washes the soap off of himself.

A little while later, he's emerging from the bathroom, towel draped over his shoulders and a puff of steam trailing after him. He shoves his shower bag back into his duffel, being mindful considering he doesn't even know how long he was in the bathroom and he has a roommate to be considerate of again.

"Okay sorry, definitely didn't skimp."

[taeru]

Even Ai himself was scant on details, and he was the one currently hosting Rin. For his part, he didn't need to know much; his running assumption was that it was an off-season for training and there were a select few competitions worth competing in this side of the ocean. There were many possible reasons, and all ultimately irrelevant to Ai, who was just glad to give Rin a safe place to crash-land and ultimately find his footing while reacclimating to being in Japan, however long it might be.

He does, admittedly, start to doze off a little the longer Rin is in the shower. His thoughts wandered, as they always did, and he'd chased them right to the edge of consciousness. Rin's voice and the faint scent of a body wash that isn't his jolts him back to the waking world; Ai quite literally startles back awake, sitting up from where he'd gone limp on the couch--

And there is just something about Rin. Maybe it's the wet hair, the trail of steam that billows behind him, the sleep clothes Ai hasn't seen him in in about three years. All of it together leaves him gawking for a moment, before remembering to pick his jaw up off the floor and not. Do that.

"It's fine!" comes a bark, shuffling to his feet and then right past Rin and into the shower room with haste, "No one's in a rush."

Then it's his turn to close the door, set the water to scalding hot, and get lost in the deluge. A looong, low sigh; head lolled back against the tile and vaguely measuring his breaths to all be one second longer than the last. In the safety and relative privacy of his shower, there is only one resonant thought that reverbs through his skull like a bad house mix: I'm in trouble. The exact same kind of trouble he found himself in in his first year of high school, this time with an added level of self-awareness that frankly just gives him a headache.

His shower is much shorter than Rin's, but no less satisfying; Ai steps out from the shower room only wearing his towel, and only then realizes his miscalculation. His "bedroom" - very barely partitioned off from the rest of the studio with a bookshelf toward the rear of the space - where his clean clothes were could only be accessed by first crossing through the living space, where Rin was. Well. They'd seen each other naked multiple times before, so this was no different, right?

"Sorry, sorry," Ai mutters, shuffling along awkwardly from one end of the apartment to the other, ducking behind his bookshelf-wardrobe to fetch his clothes and pull them on with record time and relatively little drama.

[buttterfly]

Rin stares after Ai, shuffling past him and locking himself in the bathroom. He blinks for a minute, admittedly lost and trying to pinpoint what the fuck just happened. Maybe he just really had to piss, or something. He pushes the thought aside, grabbing a few things out of his duffel bag to poke and prod through.

It only gets weirder though, when Ai bolts out of the bathroom, past Rin and towards his bed. Yeah, his clothes are over there but...

"Dude, chill." Rin awkwardly scoffs, running a hand through his hair as if musing his next response. He's not trying to be gruff or anything. More just perplexed because this isn't anything new. They shared a locker room for years, a room for a year. Towels around waists literally is more than gracious than what some of the other boys on the Samezuka team blessed them with. Whipping each other with towels and shrieking throughout the locker (Momo certainly comes to mind... scratch that, both Mikoshibas...).

"Why are you sorry?"

Okay maybe Ai is just a more self conscious person or something. Rin realizes blankly, and feeling kind of inconsiderate and a bit of an ass. He bites his lip, turning his gaze back towards one of the books he pulled out of his duffel, trying to give him some. Privacy? Sure, whatever Ai wants.

[taeru]

Ai was fundamentally self-conscious. He's gotten better with age, but it certainly functioned as an achilles' heel of his. More than that, the problem was a balancing act between I have seen Rin-senpai's jewels multiple times both in the locker rooms and on accident in our dorm and this is my apartment and he is my guest. More than anything else, even his subjective issues, Ai was just trying to be a decent host. In his head too much, maybe, but that was nothing new.

To Rin's passing comment and then question, Ai stands up to full height, book case obscuring his lower half - now clothed, not that it can be seen beyond the furniture - as he pulls on an oversized t-shirt.

"I'm being considerate." His turn to walk out clothed, wet, and with a towel draped across his shoulders; he rounds into the living room and stands just beside Rin, lifting the edges of the towel to scruff his hair a bit more dry. A wry smile crosses his lips then, "Unless you'd rather I traipse around half-naked, but I'm not sure I'm ready for that kind of conversation, senpai." He can't help but snoop, neck extending to try and see Rin's book title, "What are you reading?"

[buttterfly]

He squints, seemingly unable to differentiate Ai's tone between... something, or flat out sarcasm, or whatever that tone was earlier he so carelessly tossed out. Something in Rin's brain turns over, and his face burns as he tosses his gaze back towards his book.

He's seen hundreds of naked guys before. He's seen Ai naked a billion times. It's fine. He's seen--

"Ah, it's called 'Walk a little slower'." He holds the book out towards Ai, grateful for the out he is given from his intrusive thoughts. A little book, something one could shove in their pocket if desired. Rin's English is a second language, almost more than second nature at this point. It's easy to thumb over pages of it, being one of the things he was gifted at besides swimming. He looks at the white cover fondly.

"'I don't know what the future holds, if my days left are long or short.--well, you get it. Maybe grief is around the corner or a missed call on my face down phone back inside'."

It's stupid how easily words can be committed to memory when you pour over them enough times. They become engrained in you, a part of you.

[taeru]

To Rin's credit, Ai intends for all of it to be half-sarcastic banter, but unfortunately, there was that persistently sincere part of him that had a way of unintentionally toeing lines. And thus for Ai's sake, too, the book is a welcome distraction; he takes hold of it, not really surprised to see Rin's reading fully in English. Ai's tried to keep up his studies, but like most things, he hardly has a natural gift for it, and is nowhere near as fluent as Rin is.

"Walk a little slower," he repeats back, doing his best to maintain a neutral accent. Listens to Rin's recital of what must be one of the passages, and Ai thinks he semi-understands the meaning. He holds the book and tries to read the page it's open on and scratches his head with his other hand, "You make it sound so easy... Oh, but this is all so short." Ai realizes it isn't a narrative book, but rather a collection of short stories or poems. Maybe reading his own copy would be doable after all.

He purses his lips, "'Maybe there is good news in my inbox or a miracle waiting in the welcome of next month'..." A couple of those words make sense. He moves to hand the book back to Rin, "Reminds me of Ikigai."

[buttterfly]

"Poetry is a hell of a lot easier for practicing. Even if it doesn't make sense at first." He laughs softly, remembering the Richard Siken book he poured over obsessively in his youth. It didn't have a thick accent or judgmental passages. Instead offering a quiet sanctuary through confusing thoughts and the harsh realities of going oversees.

You know how to ride a dirt bike, and know long division. You know that a boy who likes boys is a dead boy unless he keeps his mouth shut. Which is what you didn't do.

He blinks the thoughts away, taking the book back from Ai with a small hum.

"Not bad, honestly. With a little practice, you might make an English major yet." He laughs softly, putting the book on the ground, easier access than rummaging back around in his bag. Good bedtime thoughts, for when his mind is racing too much. He looks around the small apartment, leaning back on his hands a little.

"What made you settle on this place?"

[taeru]

He figures it's gotten late enough and Rin is probably tired enough that he could justify shuffling over to his bed, but... As always, there's a magnetic pull with Rin's conversation, and Ai doesn't want to let the night go quite yet. Soon, yes. But for right now he's sitting on the floor beside Rin, legs crossed, towel still around his neck and hands in his lap.

"It was cheap." A pragmatic smile to match a pragmatic response. "For the size, anyway. Close enough commute to campus and a few places I could apply for work without cutting too much into my day." And then he looks around, at all his thrifted, small-store furniture and his knickknacks lining every single shelving surface, and then looks back to Rin, eyebrows knit with his sheepish curiosity. "I don't think it's anything compared to the suite you had in Australia, though. I could see snippets of what it looked like in some of the photos you'd sent. There's no way to describe that place other than romantic." Floor to ceiling windows? Come on.

[buttterfly]

That really does light a fire under his skin, and he scoffs, fixating on the floor instead. That looks a lot more interesting than whatever comparison or verbiage Ai is using to describe his old place.

"Shut it, it wasn't like that." It wasn't. He can ignore the dreams he had every now and again about being pressed against those fucking windows, overlooking the city. It wasn't why he bought it though thanks!!

He focuses instead on Ai telling him that it was close, convenient. Is that what a home is sometimes? Is it not meant to always be your forever place, where you grow old and raise a family? Sometimes it's just a place to sleep, read, eat and study. Rin bites his lip.

Did they ever sit this close back in the dorm? Eh. Probably not, but it's fine.

"Hopefully whatever I find isn't a shithole. This place is pretty nice, honestly."

[taeru]

Rin's defensive response has Ai's eyebrows raising to his hairline. It almost makes him wonder what could have possibly happened in that apartment to have Rin's pout tugging at his jowls--

"Sorry. Your platonic, boring apartment." With a beautiful view of sunset. Through floor-to-ceiling windows. And a perfect setting for a non-exhaustive number of Ai's completely normal, in absolutely no way untoward, pure and well-intentioned daydreams about its former occupant.

His mind is Somewhere and Rin clearing his throat brings him back to reality, blinking owlishly for a moment before regarding Rin. That was Ai's superpower: he was a professional at compartmentalizing. What doesn't make it to his face is the way his BPM has spiked into triple digits.

"I didn't know you planned to move back." And he is trying so, so hard not to get his hopes up. For his own sake, he can't. "It, um." Composure, Aiichirou!! "If you know where to look, Tokyo can be affordable. But there's other cities close-by that would give better pricing for the size. I guess it depends what you plan on doing." Then, he's quickly waving a hand in front of his face. "Not that I want you to leave! Any time soon. Stay here as long as you need to. But when the time comes to hunt for a place, I can help."

[buttterfly]

The platonic, boring comment almost ruffles his feathers to the point he disputes that too. But he keeps his mouth shut, near biting his tongue in the process. Everyone in his life has found him easy to tease. It's just how he's always been.

Rin blinks at him. He has a two track mind, and both those tracks are so fixated on the All Japan, keeping secrets from his other friends about his return...that he doesn't even consider he may not have ever opened his trap about actually moving back.

"Thanks man, I appreciate it. Promise I won't get in your hair too much." He rubs the back of his neck, letting his other hand trail over where he put his book for a moment. The little things to keep his hands and head busy. "I don't know if Tokyo is for me long term, not gonna lie. Pretty loud."

It's one of the things he misses so much about home. The stars. The quiet beyond the roar of the sea. Ugh, he really is a romantic isn't he?

"But this place suits you. You've gotten everything so organized it's almost like the corners have their own stories."

[taeru]

Ai shakes his head, "I don't know if it's for me long term, either. But it's where I am now." And one of the greatest things Ai has learned is to go where life leads you, even if it's out of your comfort zone. He tries to, anyway.

He again looks around his studio when Rin says it suits him; Ai supposes it does. It's filled with the things he loves. Posters he got framed himself from hyper-indie bands and niche foreign films. Small trinkets and oddities and statuettes posing as decorations here-and-there. It's almost like the corners have their own stories. And Ai just looks at Rin. With a head tilt and a slowly growing wide grin, because they are perhaps for once thinking the same exact thing--

"That was very romantic of you, senpai." And he means it in the traditional sense of the word, but still. The fact it's come up three times in one evening is a little silly, and nearly gets a laugh to bubble up and out of Ai's throat. He breaks eye contact suddenly and gestures around the living space, "Our dorm could have looked like this too if you weren't snapping at me like a drill sergeant." Nice save.

[buttterfly]

He grits his teeth. Okay, maybe Rin is a little sensitive and tired and worn out. But christ, why does everyone fixate on him being romantic? He's said it a handful of times definitely only a handful. It's like people just equate it to being the soul placement of his personality.

Rin rolls his eyes, unable to hold Ai looking at him like that. For whatever reason, it makes him feel worse, like something tightening in his stomach.

"Yeah, yeah I know." He huffs, pulling his pillow out of his duffel bag and shoving it next to his book and water bottle. "Sorry I made such an ass out of myself." It's true. He really is sorry. He hates the way he acted, it makes him feel gross.

[taeru]

"I didn't mean," Ai starts, and then stops mid-sentence. I didn't mean it in that way. Truth told, Ai tried very very very hard not to bring up their dynamic during their first year of friendship. Ai for his part has moved way past it, but he knows Rin still often feels guilty, and Ai doesn't want to strike the anvil of shame while it's hot. He sucks in a breath.

"You had a lot going on, senpai." Gently, reassuringly, Ai flashes Rin a smile. Because he doesn't mean to justify Rin's behaviour; rather, Ai just thinks it's more worth it to detail that he understands rather than reiterate over and over how much he's forgiven Rin. Then he simpers, "I wasn't exactly at my best, either. Some of it was deserved."

[buttterfly]

"I know you didn't, sorry. Just get a little defensive still." He admits, flopping over to lay on his side with his back towards Ai. Easier to talk to someone when you don't have to look at their face, or something. Ugh. Is he turning into Haru?

"Nobody deserves to be treated gross, even if they might deserve it. Which you didn't by the way." He tacks on quickly, letting his cheek rest against the floor, staring over at the small kitchen.

"I was in such a messed up place in my own head. When I was a kid... Australia was supposed to solve all my problems. Didn't do jack shit but make more of them." He laughs, a mix between bitter and self understanding laced into his tone. Rin can admit these things now. Ai's always been easy to talk to. About most topics, at least. Even when he was a right dick, Ai still clung onto Rin's words like they were important.

He didn't, doesn't, deserve it. Rin sighs, letting his gaze drift back towards the floor.

"Ugh. Sorry. Didn't mean to trash the mood."

[taeru]

Ai watches as Rin rolls over, immediately flashing back to the countless times he's seen this exact scene. He can remember so many late nights where they toed the boundary of a hard conversation, Rin laid out on his bed with his back to the room, and Ai at his desk looking at Rin's shoulders and spine with what was probably an expression of utter defeat. This time around, it's different; it's just patience, and curiosity.

"Sure, sure... What I meant more is that I wasn't kind to you, either. Maybe I didn't yell, but in other ways." Putting Rin on a pedestal did neither of them favours; in a way, Ai stoked Rin's fires. Made himself an easy target. And there is something to be said about catching feelings for your roommate, but Ai isn't touching that with a ten-foot pole.

He has half a mind to lay right beside Rin; it's his instinct, even. But Ai is also cognizant of leaving Rin the space he needs to think and speak, hence him rolling over in the first place. So instead, Ai relaxes; sits on the floor cross-legged and looks to Rin with consideration and a spot of concern.

"Senpai..." Ai leans down a bit, as if to try and get a glimpse of Rin's face from over his shoulder without actually entering his bubble, "If you don't mind me asking... What exactly happened in Australia?" Rin's mentioned it in passing enough times that Ai feels it's appropriate to ask in plain language.

[buttterfly]

It's quiet for a few beats.

Rin thinks Ai has just dropped it. It feels like it. The tension in him relaxes, and his muscles almost droop coupled with exhaustion and the weight of this whole night. But he can feel the weight of something stirring. It makes his fingers twitch, like somebody is carefully analyzing him.

Because then it happens.

What exactly happened in Australia?

His breathing stops, and everything in him tightens again. Because he doesn't know how to answer that. A cold part of him immediately turns to his and Haru's trip. The one everyone asked them about. Makoto at the airport... Sousuke poolside at nationals... fuck, even Ty ventured to press Rin when he moved back. But Ai could also be inquiring into what Rin literally just talked about, and Rin shoves that stupid fucking trip into the back of his head.

"It." He stammers a bit, curling in on himself. Like that will do something to shield him from this question. How do you begin to tell someone you fucking hit a wall, and everything changed? "That..."

His words are broken for a minute. Because Rin feels that raw shame.

"I sucked." He almost laughs out, staring at a very interesting patch of spackle on the wall. "I didn't fit in. Couple of the guys were nice, but the rest were." Rin stops, his fingers digging into his arms. He mentally shakes the thought loose. He hates it. Those stupid names lent to his coldness coming back, being so bitter losing that race to Haru.

"Probably writing love letters to that dude he never shuts up about."

"He's fucking obsessed."

"Bet he bends over in the showers."

"Gross! You think he's like staring at our junk and shit??"

It culminated into Rin breaking one of the boy's noses, a sea of red clouding his vision. He cried when his coach called Lori, who in turn called his Mom. Who in turn forced him back for winter break, and well. Train tracks and pools and broken hearts.

Rin bites his lip, smiling like that would somehow take the weight off of him. It doesn't. It never does. "I lost all the time. Stopped swimming. So I'd never have to listen to those fuckers again."

...

"Unless you're asking about that fucking trip with Haru, like everyone else did at Nationals." Literally. Everyone. Wow, you booked it to Australia with Haru? | What did you show him that changed his mind about swimming?? | Haru looks so happy. Something good happen?

Rin just wanted them to shut up. He couldn't even think back on that night. That culmination of everything, boiling over into something that looked like it was planned. Haru didn't think that, of course. The way Haru looked at him felt like everything between the two of them was repaired. All those years of distance and heartbreak. Their faces drifting closer, bodies hot under the sheets. The inkling Rin had always had coming to fruition. Only to be promptly dismissed because distance. It wouldn't work. Rin telling Haru he was moving to Australia, and that sad smile and good luck. Fuck. He hates himself so much.

Something cold washes over him at the memory. That implication that Rin booked a single on purpose. Would Ai think that's what Rin was doing? Trying to trick his way under his sheets or something?

[taeru]

It comes in waves from Rin. A shame, and then a sadness, and then a bitterness. And then one of the toughest walls Ai feels he's faced in years. He doesn't think he's seen Rin so defensive and closed off since the very first day they met, all stiff shoulders, muttered words, biting remarks and a disposition that screamed don't touch me.

Then and now it remains Ai's fatal flaw. He isn't scared of the spikes. He knows under all of it is someone who could afford to let himself be loved a little more. No remorse or hesitation to reach for the heart, even if the serration leaves marks on his way back out.

He's about to open his mouth and comment on what very much was the stint in Australia he meant to ask about, right before Rin crash-landed in Samezuka, but Rin's harsh, stone-cold pivot has a sudden anxious knot tying itself in Ai's stomach. Suddenly he's glad he didn't ask Rin about the trip the day he'd arrived home. Ai had his own motives for keeping the conversation on literally anything else going on at the time; he had heard enough of what Rin and Haruka had gotten up to behind closed doors, he didn't need a firsthand account.

Saliva coats the inside of his mouth, suddenly. He wishes he could call it jealousy, even anger, but the mild sickness crawling up the back of his throat is instead born of self-pity and a deep, unmitigated frustration he knows he will never, ever be able to shake off. I am so useless. He has to swallow before he speaks to keep his composure, going so far as to momentarily touch Rin's shoulder before retiring his hand back into his lap; a subtle reminder he isn't alone.

"No, I wasn't asking about that trip." He sits with a straighter spine, takes in a measured breath. "You've mentioned your first trip to Australia a few times, but never in detail... But it's obvious it always stuck with you. That's all."

It's a sudden, painful awareness. Third-best was a generous assumption; it may very well be that Ai's place is the only safe landing spot Rin has that doesn't dredge up bad memories. Rather thank sink into his insecurity, he does what he always does best: projects it onto Rin, instead.

"If nothing else, senpai, I hope the next time you're able to return to Australia, you're able to do so with a clear head and only good things to look forward to. So long as you're here, you have a safe launch pad." He wrenches his eyes shut and flops down onto the floor, arms crossed over his face. "I promise." I absolutely can never, ever let this be a problem. This stays with me.

[buttterfly]

He damn near flinches from the gentle touch on his shoulder. It feels like something dripping with pity. Something he never fucking asked for. There's a dip into his old head. The one who bristled at any indication of anything towards himself. Like he wasn't worthy or deserving of it. He isn't. He doesn't need that.

Boys don't cry.

They don't cry when they're woken up in the middle of a nap alone to a haunting call. They don't cry when they're forced to deliver the worst news in the world to their mother. They don't cry when they have to take care of their sister, and mother and pretend like everything is fine. They don't need pity.

Rin's nails dig painfully into his palms. He tries to keep himself in check. Ai has always been his painfully kind voice of reason. That little angel on his shoulder reminding him to keep his feelings in check, and be kind and--

Rin hasn't even been here for a night, and he feels like he's monumentally fucked everything up completely. The way he can feel Ai roll onto the floor next to him, tossing an arm over his gaze. Being so kind like Rin is something precious, something that deserves to be treated as such. Rin's never made it a secret that certain topics shove him over the edge. It's why he teeters away from them so frequently.

But he dove right into this thinking he was ready. He was wrong, so so wrong.

"Yeah, right." That bitter tone encompasses a soft laugh slipping past his lips. His eyes land on that book, that precious thing to him. And he chucks it against the wall. It's like Ai is insinuating he go back to Australia. Right of course. Nobody wants him here. What a fucking joke. What a mistake to think this would work out so easily. Rin thought he had changed. But apparently not in the grand scheme of things.

The book smacks against the wall.

"Don't worry, it's obvious it's just a safer option there anyways." Rin grits his teeth, looking over his shoulder at Ai. It's a hard expression to read. Even Rin himself doesn't know exactly what he's feeling beyond the blood boiling every which way. But then Ai drops that fucking bomb, one that Rin feels like he wasn't supposed to be privy to.

So long as you're here, you have a safe launch pad". He almost chokes on his spit, because what the actual fuck? Rin rolls over in an instant, giving Ai a heavy look.

"That's it? Not gonna call me gross or anything?" He's compartmentalizing, he knows he is. But he's damn near shaking from the intensity of the conversation. Being forced to look at everything again in a new perspective, so achingly close to everything--everyone--again. Rin scoffs. He's on another planet at this point. Absolutely grasping for straws, in thinking Ai means one thing when he truly means another.

[taeru]

Ai jolts out of his skin at the sound of Rin's book smacking against the wall. He isn't sure what he was expecting, but a unanimously negative reaction to an attempt at reassurance? He's so stunned he barely can comprehend enough of his own emotions to call it regret or remorse for having said something at all. He's half-sat up and suddenly faced with Rin who is staring at him with an unidentifiable darkness in his eyes. It makes Ai's gut sink all over again.

First, breaths. There had been a right jolt of adrenaline at the loud thud! of Rin's book. Don't worry, it's obvious it's just a safer option there anyways. Ai realizes in an instant what direction Rin had taken his words, and it's Ai's first instinct with a clear head to clarify--

"Rin-senpai, I never--"

-- but Rin's mind just keeps going, and Ai watches in real time as that unreadable darkness morphs into something far more intimidating.

Ai's left to stare, bewildered and hurt. He sits up fully now, as if to give himself the leverage of talking to Rin in such a direct and contrarian way; a literal high road. His expression perfectly teeters between fearful and affronted.

"Why would I? Senpai, you're here because I wanted you to be." It's Ai's turn to dig crescent bites into his palm, white-knuckled, toeing a fine line against sentiments he'd rather be kept sealed all the way shut. A sincerity backs his words and with it a gravitas; it's like tapping into a forbidden magic, the kind that corrupts slowly the more it is used. "Because I missed having you around. If it were up to me, you would stay here as long as I do." His eyebrows knit in the middle of his forehead.

"You can go ahead and feel guilty for taking up space, but I'm going to give it to you anyway." Then, slowly, Ai rises to his feet. Doesn't say a single damn word as he walks across the room to fetch the book Rin's just launched across it; there's a scuff mark on the wall. Ai looks over Rin's book to make sure it isn't damaged - a small bend on the very top of its spine but nothing serious - before padding back over, squatting in front of Rin, and handing the book back to him.

Softly, "At least aim at me next time. You'll upset the neighbors otherwise."