[at least the shower wasn't the worst thing. it helped soothe his addled brain a bit. and rin is oblivious to whatever awkward tension settled over before he all but slammed his way out of the bathroom with a huff.
he doesn't want his best friend to feel this way. he just wants this to be fixed. dimly, he almost texts...someone. anyone that would listen. miyakawa or mikhail or fuck even ryuuji at this point. just for some guidance or answers or the quickest aid to fucking change rooming assignments with anybody else. if it saved ai's mind? he would fucking pay for his own hotel for the next two weeks.
he doesn't know what he's walked into either. and he doesn't want to know. so he tosses his dirty clothes into a little pile next to his bed, grabbing a clean shirt and pulling it on. he's never been ashamed of his body much. but for some reason right now? feeling exposed, shirtless is the last thing he wants.
but he slips right back into that persona, that mask he's become so adept at wearing. he looks over at ai as haru goes to pull out one of his sketchbooks from his dresser, completely ignoring him if he's going to do the same and pout or whatever he's doing. he looks at his own phone as he tosses himself onto his bed, squinting at the unreads he's been subject to in less than thirty minutes. ugh]
...Natsuya said they're going out again tonight.
[there's no confirmation or denying that they're going out or he's accepting or anything else, except--]
Nope. Not dealing with that fuckin' hangover again.
[...but he's also not saying he'll go out either. ikuya sent him some stupid video he'll look at later. right now he's just focused on diffusing the tension he's caused]
Ai's lips hang open just a beat too long. The obvious answer clinging onto the back of his tongue for dear life. Even just in this capacity, saying it so plainly would make it all real. But, it'd also kill it. It'd be the first step toward purging this sickness from his system, from Rin's psyche, from this hotel room.
I think he should tell you how he really feels.
His lips barely form around the first syllable of the thought when Rin crash-lands back into their room, and the way Ai jolts is almost dramatic in its shift. It's all he can do to shoot Haruka an apologetic smile, knowing he's inadvertently cut their conversation short-- never mind expending the mental energy to bring his pulse back down to something more manageable, and to tell the suddenly vibrating moths in his gut to keep still.
Rin mulls about the room getting himself situated, and Ai is polite and not ogling. From his periphery he can also see Haru is disinterested - feigned or otherwise - and seems to be reaching for something else. Then Rin is mentioning his texts, and Ai almost protests, because. He'd decided he had a plan, and for it to work he needed Rin there, and.
It'd seem awfully silly if he suddenly grew so upset at Rin choosing not to be present, especially so when Ai was the one who bailed the night before. He swallows around nothing, stares down at his phone, and then--]
Nanase-san, [his new scapegoat,] Will you still be going out tonight? [He scratches his cheek.] It's too bad. Maybe I should have gone last night after all.
he was honestly going to go. it's easy to feign sobriety after such an intense night. easy to push off any drink onto someone else. easy to escape the suffocating labyrinth of this room. maybe even get his friend to come out with him...? but rin shoots ai a look. it's so brief it might not even be caught because now there's something else hanging in the air. nanase-san. will you still be going out tonight? and rin sees exactly what passes over haru's gaze. he knows the look all too well.
and that's when his body instinctively leans into a fight or flight. he tenses, panic flooding every sense. no no no no no. he was banking on that not lingering. being able to escape again and again, and here he is. still wanting to escape all of his problems. ai, haru...how many more times does he have to run before this can settle itself?
how many more people have to hurt in the process?
haru looks over at ai, like that looks never crossed his face to begin with. and merely shrugs giving a little maybe. almost like he's unsure of how to proceed either. maybe he's banking on rin, maybe--]
Y-You ever hear back from Sousuke, Ai??
[rin blurts out suddenly, slamming his phone against the mattress in a less than gentle manner. diversion, diversion, diversion. ]
[He's stepped on a landmine. He couldn't have known, and still isn't entirely sure what or how he said that could somehow rend both Rin and Haruka's expressions. The former more than the latter sure, but.
Rin wants to run? Ai wants to disappear.
... It's hard to get a grip on his senses. Everything screams at him loudly that the message is clear, Rin is using sobriety as an excuse to not go despite saying he had been missed - a platitude. And Haruka has no inclination to fraternize with a parasite. Rin mentioning Sousuke is throwing him a bone and giving him a clear, loud out. Suddenly, rejection seems the easier choice. Ai's mentally prepared for that, for years. But being denounced as so utterly unwanted cuts in a way Ai couldn't have prepared himself for. It's a jolt to his system, and the room is now three for three on men who wear expressions they'd rather not. Blink-and-miss-it, the confused hurt pinches his eyebrows before he remembers there are two sets of eyes on him.
Rin would never. Yet it is the only reasonable conclusion Ai can come to. His brain works overtime to rationalize it as anything else, but it's evident by the stifling silence in the room no one else seems fit to fix it. He winces, holds back the need to cry, and sits up just a bit straighter on the bed. Ai waves his hand in front of his face, as if dismissing a thought that had been too silly to say out loud, and forces a smile onto his lips.]
A-Ah, well! You both had lots happen last night, it's to be expected you'd want to recover. I should have considered that. Kirishima-san is impressive, isn't he...
[No, he's not. But like Rin, he's throwing out diversions, because his eyes feel too hot and if he doesn't run his mouth, they will start leaking--
Yeah, he's on his feet. Almost antsy and unnerved in the way he goes to the desk, picks up his baguette, but makes no move to try and eat it. His voice chips around the edges when addressing the question of Sousuke,]
I'd asked him how practice went, he seems to be doing well.
[Ai puts the baguette back down.]
Ah, but nothing about tonight. I should probably ask, right?
[He swallows too thickly around nothing, and is suddenly padding for the front door.]
That's silly, I forgot to get-- I'll be back! I just-- the vending machine,
[Without so much as his wallet or his phone or his keycard, Ai doesn't wait a damn second for rebuttal or confused noises. In an instant the door is behind him, and he's peeling off for the ice dispensing area. It's as fit a place to have a quiet breakdown as any.]
[he's already seeing what's happening--what's threatening to play out again. and that panic only intensifies. not towards his own situationship, but merely for his friend. the one that's been boiling over, the one rin feels the agonizingly guilt over.
his voice sounds so agonizingly broken, rin knows that facade. not because he has heard ai in such dire straights before. no, it's because he knows what it means to slip into that mask. trying to keep yourself so together that everything else starts to crack and crumble at the edges. maybe haru has the same thought when the prospect of the vending machine suddenly comes out of nowhere. rin thought he might bolt, but then ai does it. and he stiffens as that door slams behind him.
because he's broken in his thought process for a moment. time alone with haruka fucking nanase. isn't that what he's both craved and despaired over? but... haru's gaze trails after ai too, a little wide eyed and then.
rin goes right after him.
there's no telling if he'll find him or not. ai has a little distance on him because rin is a fucking coward. and he doesn't quite know where to look. maybe vending machines should have been the first place because...well. isn't this where some of this began? right in front of a vending machine? rin remembers ai's wide eyed expression, something he's only seen once since--
he remembers the gentle fingertips wrapped around his own hand, completely uncaring of what might transpire to him. only caring about the fact that rin might hurt himself further. there's a sting in the corner of his eyes, that shame welling and bubbling over the surface. oh how he hates himself.
and eventually maybe he does find ai by the vending machine. maybe it takes him some time. or maybe he doesn't but...god does he try. even texting sousuke, asking him that so stupid question. one he hates for asking. because he as a good friend should always know where ai is right? have you seen ai?]
[It's nothing short of a miracle that this time of day after the entirety of their team has returned from the arduous energy expenditure that is swimming practice that seemingly no one needs a drink. It is one of the very few times, Ai thinks, that the gods have smiled upon him in recent weeks. That even with nowhere to go, stuck in a hell of his own making, he can at least push himself into the ice and vending machine cove and be granted a few minutes' time with himself to just. Cry. There were no balconies, no fire escapes, no rooves for him to escape to. It was his best option.
Because the alternative was breaking down in front of his roommates and having to feel the overwhelming and crushing guilt of not being able to keep it together. When everyone else is crumbling-- when Rin is, and intentionally or not relies on Ai to be stalwart, and secure, and stable. And it was easier to be those things when he and Rin had a lifetime's worth of grey area between them. But as more grey matter is given name, as more shadows are brought to light, as more of what Ai has tried so god damn hard to keep under strict lock and key is dragged out into the waking world, so too do the threads at his seams begin to give. Pathetic. Useless. Words that pummel his mind, up until he thinks he hears footfalls approaching.
Can't you take a hint? It's such a cruel thing to think, but it is the first thought that crosses his mind, because there is only one person who could be barreling down the hall that fast. He'd actually put thought into this outfit, too - a clean white crewneck sweater, light blue baggy jeans cropped at the ankles. Now he's using the cuff of his sleeve and the hem of his sweater to stay his tears and the mess on his face in record time, blotting the fabric damp.
He is, at the very least, a pretty crier. There is no blubbering here, no snot, and record speed at regaining composure. Even if his eyes and nose, reddened and puffy, give him away.
Red hair nearly zooms past, and Ai just stands patiently in the outcove, the rumble of the vending and ice machines an appropriate backdrop, he thinks. They synchronize and harmonize with the cacophony in his head pretty damn well.
... But he won't look Rin in the eye. If he had known Rin would give chase, he wouldn't have ran to begin with. Ai tries to quietly and subtly pull in a breath to steel himself, though it comes up shaky.]
Why are you running? [No sense in hiding, though Ai's gaze averts away. He keeps his head turned, and dabs the corner of his eye with the edge of his sleeve.] I'm right where I said I'd be. I just need a minute.
[he can't disguise the look of downright pity that's dripping from his gaze. it probably does little to aid the situation. does even littler still to aid in ai keeping it together so famously.
...rin really has been blind to all this over the years.
he bites his lip, shifting his gaze towards the floor. it's a vile feeling sometimes, to have someone finding you crying. he knows it all too well. and now that guilt just floods over him in waves. ai's right, he did say where he would be didn't he? isn't it obvious that rin just stormed into a private moment as he so often does? he tries to offset the feeling by rubbing the back of his neck. but...]
Guess I followed you because--
[it's inappropriate timing maybe. the way rin laughs. but it's a soft thing, maybe laced together with the faintest undertone of bitterness and a self deprecating tone]
Had to make sure you weren't being stupid. What was it you said?
[rin tries so hard to keep the mood light, do something stupid or say something kind or equally dumb to put a smile back on his roommate's face. so he tries to shift his gaze to meet ai's]
'You're too young to die'.
[not that he seriously thinks ai was going to kill himself. but it's a little callback to when the world didn't seem so big outside the confines of their all too small dorm room. rin sighs. he can't keep the mood light forever, and takes a step back to keep more of his weight on his leg]
...is this going to be too hard?
[rin doesn't specify. which might be a crime of itself, but he hopes it's obvious. this rooming situation with haru]
[Ai beats Rin to the punch, turning his back so Rin can't see him crying in full. He feels abysmally, horrifically embarrassed and mortified and ashamed, and Rin of all people laying witness to that is just about the nail in the coffin. How does Ai even begin to explain it almost wasn't the rooming situation that caused this? But being left behind. Or his assumption that was what was happening. They'd had such a good afternoon, and he'd just tanked it all.
Though, perceptive ears will hear a watery titter. Ai recognizes that call back to such an outrageous fret he'd declared so many years ago. He's honestly surprised Rin remembers.]
You need to have more faith in me than that.
[What really kills him is Rin's consideration that follows thereafter. Ai wishes he'd swallow the words. And something bubbles up in him, which is dangerous. The first time he'd felt this, it resulted in shattered mugs and mistakes. The second time, it wound up with him collapsed on the floor. But it's almost an impetus, instinct mercilessly prying his lips open where his self-control otherwise wouldn't want it to.
He realizes it's cowardice, saying it with his back turned. He's already lowly, what's one step lower?]
I should be asking you that. Right?
[Ai straightens his shoulders. Hands calm at his sides. Blinks his eyelashes furiously to try and stay his tears on his own.]
I don't understand why you hesitate. The way you scowl when you think eyes are on you, and the way you soften when you don't. I said it at that time, didn't I?
[I know what yearning looks like. The silence that follows has his shoulders stiffening, and his head held just a little higher. His voice, too calm. Resolute.]
Nanase-san has been waiting for you. You've spent too much time running, Rin-senpai. So I'll tell you the same thing I told him: if you talked with him, you wouldn't regret it.
[rin scoffs. but then, really. given everything that's happened. ai has every reason to doubt rin's faith in him. isn't it interesting? how the events of just a few months can change your whole trajectory? from relationships to bonds and how even the public perceives them. he cycles back from that statement, keeping his distance, giving ai his space.
because he's even failed in that in every regard apparently.
unfortunately, the topic slips back into familiar territory. the thing he's been avoiding all along. he'll never be able to escape the observant nature of aiichirou nitori, will he? that's never been in the cards. not the whole time they've been together and apart.
or maybe it's because rin hates being lumped into something so simple so easily. something he's never been able to shake since high school, apparently. and that self inflicted disgust continues to build. until it manifests as an echo; the shattering of porcelain breaking over and over again on the tile. something he doesn't think he'll be able to escape for as long as he lives]
You know what talking means.
[i know what that means. he thinks to himself quickly. the way he's jerked away time and time again. thirty minutes ago in his own bed, last night at the door. if coward had a picture in the dictionary, the face of rin matsuoka would be slathered all over the pages.
he can't help the recoil of disgust he feels when he feels his lip tremor, and his own eyes sting in turn. because rin settles on a bitter realization]
So what happens then?
[spoken aloud without much thought, a rhetorical more than anything. he doesn't expect ai to answer because he doesn't know what is fair to even expect. it's unfair of him to be saying it at all, like he's pinning the weight of it on his roommate. so he tries to backpedal to save face]
[It'd be too egoistic to assume Rin's hesitance is only because of this unnamed thing. Were that the case, Ai thinks all of this would look a lot more different. In a way, it only makes killing it easier. It's clear as day by his actions what Rin truly wants, and what he prioritizes - Ai being caught in his wake an afterthought. At some point, Ai's realized, he too has to learn to prioritize himself first.
Maybe he will go out tonight. Alone. Maybe he'll get sloshed, weep on someone's shoulder, beg Sousuke to say I told you so in a flagellation ritual, and have such a haggard night getting it all out of his system he doesn't even come back to the hotel room. Maybe all he has to do is purge himself from the inside out. And then he can reinvent himself for the umpteenth time, this time without a core, and with a space to finally let it heal.]
That's not true at all.
[Ai has always been prime among Rin's company to give him harsh truths, right now is no different. Wanting to drive this home, Ai finally turns to face Rin, the calm of his expression only cut by the deep, furrowed line of his eyebrows and the persistent, wet flush lining his eyes and nose. He's not going to let Rin weasel out of it, so he continues, tone so even he may as well be describing the weather,]
You're tired of your inaction being punished. It isn't me, it never was. I could be anyone else, and you'd feel the exact same.
[Third best. He should have trusted his gut all those months ago. Hope was never his friend. There is a timeline somewhere where Ai kept it all under tight lock and key, and Rin never had reason to suspect, and they could have continued in their lanes neatly. Ai could have continued licking his own wounds, rather than bleeding through his clothing in plain sight.
Ai sets his jaw where it threatens to tremble and build up this stalwart disposition he's managed, leveling Rin with a hard, unrelenting gaze.]
Of course I know what talking means. And so do you. It means we can all start moving on.
[there's a thousand different things flitting through his head.
a hundred different scenarios and roads he could take from this point.
...each one feeling worse than the last.
he inhales. exhales. rin's forced to face it, and it manifests as cloudy skies--all the sun and light obscured by the thick fog. such a dim, dreary blue that once seemed so bright, too bright under the scorch of crimson. rin's throat feels tight.
sometimes things have to be laid out frank in life. even when it seems too difficult to bear. and most of the time it needs to come from the right person. because if that voice isn't loud enough, why would anyone choose to listen? if the stakes weren't high enough, why bother at all? he tries to say something, anything. but each word dies on his tongue, his lips parted uselessly. months prior, everything seemed fine. all those sunny days getting to know each other again. a shimmer in their gazes, the fond teases exchanged easily without much thought behind them.
but that's just the problem with precious, delicate things. even after they break, even if you glue back every shard, there will always be those cracks. the structure will always be compromised.
and so. all rin can do when that gaze continues to level with him is reach forward, brushing the back of his hand across that sickeningly tear streaked cheek. at least shouldering some of the burden. rin may not be worth much in this world anymore, but at least he can try to wipe away some of the mess he's caused]
[It's self-serving. Ai knows it has to be. And so despite his frayed nerves standing on edge uncomfortably when Rin's knuckle brushes over his cheek, foggy sky eyes turning away as if to turn away from the gesture itself, Ai still lets him.
... And then Ai does the thing he should have done so long ago. His shaking hand betrays him, but hie intent is clear: he softly takes hold of Rin's wrist, and moves it away from his face. In that instant, his bottom lip threatens to give way, a second wave of fresh tears hot behind his eyes. Ai does them both the favour of staying them.
And then swallows. And then blurts out, a thought formed not in his head but on his tongue,]
I need to hear you say it. That I never stood a chance.
but unfortunately, it's a monster of rin matsuoka's own making. leaning into impulsiveness and inconsideration has led him down this road. but it's what he deserves, right? after all, how much pain has he inflicted onto others, even if just simply by existing? his own existence is what shoehorned his dad's death after all. his dad could have gone to the olympics. and then he had to come along, and the storm of it all and--]
...don't make me say it.
[his voice shakes, suddenly so small in a too small hallway. he tries, but nothing comes out. all he can see is that fresh glint in ai's eyes. the ones that signal the dam just about to burst. too much mud and clay packed into a weak and shaky structure. ah, but that's not ai either is it? he's always been strong. it's impressive he's made it so far with everything he's endured. his endurance really is one for the record books, isn't it?
he tries again. and nothing comes out.
because he doesn't quite know if that's true. if haruka fucking nanase had never been in the equation, wouldn't things be different? or would rin's temper and tenacity at ruining everything precious eventually win out? he knows the answer deep down, but it feels so hollow all the same. what would normal look like?
what can normal look like now..?
all the shades of blue that have shaped him throughout the years. and even when they've bled through, it always--]
[Ai smiles, faintly. For just a blink. Weak and hollow, more beside himself than amused. Even at this juncture, the first and only time Ai has asked something so directly, Rin can't deliver. Even when it'd do nothing but help them both.
It's a cruel thought to have. That if Haruka were the one to ask, would Rin jump at the chance to fulfill his wish? Even now, Ai feels an afterthought. Rin's guilt is aimless, and Ai is feeling the weight of that.
So, he does what he does best. Continues to keep that facade pinned to his face, where Rin's threatens to crack and shatter. And presses, because Ai sees a way out, sees a way for Rin to be happy, to smile, and they won't get there if Rin keeps running.
Deep breath in. Quiet, long exhale out.]
Once you do, you can stop feeling guilty. There'd be nothing left to feel bad about. You can stop looking at me with pity in your eyes.
[Far too pragmatic, almost sterile delivery when the topic is the deep, unrelenting, strangling love he has held in his heart for the past five, almost six years. It's evident he's split himself in twain; compartmentalizing to try and see this through to the end.]
And then, I can stop wondering what if. I can ignore the hope that's gotten me in trouble too many times. It's a net-positive.
[A thick swallow around no thing. There is a leaden weight on the back of his tongue, a sting up the entirety of his vocal cavity.]
maybe the guilt is something that will always be there. it has been for a long time now. flaring and ebbing, yet always lingering. there's something oddly satisfying in the way the body seeks out further hurt when the ache is already present. rin can almost taste the way the hurt wells in ai's throat, lacing the undertone of his plea.
his own throat works around nothing. it feels like the words are knotted up in his throat, throbbing in a way they might never escape. but he can't. how much has he taken from ai, and how much has he paid back? shouldn't something like this be easy enough? his lips part, and something bordering a sob slips out instead. his own eyes stinging, that fresh sting welling in the corners and slowly dribbling over]
Do you hate me?
[he blurts out instead, his own weakness and hollowness spilling over the seams. he knows the answer, but he just wants...just like ai has to hear this one thing from rin. so too does rin need his own verification]
...for everything I put you through?
[everything hurts. a giant mess of tangled nerves and feelings that he can't quite vocalize. just another selfish request. rin thinks maybe it's a lie. if it wasn't for the ocean, then maybe--]
...
[he tries to choke it out. he's near doubled over, pulling his hand back to rip against the fabric over his chest. like that would do something to aid in all of this. it doesn't. if anything it makes it worse]
...
[he tries again. rin is well aware of his selfishness. how ai rarely has asked anything of him over the years. and even just a simple request such as that--rin fails at. so miserably. like everything else. it's not the hope that's gotten ai in trouble so much. it's rin. it's always been him. he knows because he stares in the mirror every morning, and that thought creeps into the back of his mind.
it's still you.]
...you never stood a chance.
[it tastes like the biggest lie he's ever spat out. there's no way to know if there was ever any truth behind it. rin's been all too content with putting ai at the back of mind for other people things over the years. there's no way it could have ever ended peacefully, even if an attempt had been made. maybe in another verse, and not one where rin is dimly aware that haru watched him run out after ai. and isn't that just what he's best at?
[Rin's question visibly makes Ai flinch. Even now, even back then-- any time their tongues have crossed like swords, any time they have given each other new scars, even at their absolute lowest points, the thought has never so much as come close to his mind. That Rin could think it had the potential to maybe speaks volumes of how this all has come to be. Ai hiding too much, and too well. To the point laying it bare, even post-mortem, is inconceivable in how deeply shameful it now feels.
Often, metamorphosis was the catalyst for positive change. A caterpillar liquefies into a beautiful butterfly. Coal pulverizes itself into diamonds. But this metamorphosis feels nowhere near as poetic, or kind. If only love could metamorphize into hate; maybe that would have made this all so much easier. If Ai even had the capacity in him to think a single inflammatory thing about Rin, such that he felt it at his core. Maybe then, letting go would be so much easier.
Ai only shakes his head, and presses the knuckle of his pinky to the corner of his eye. His answer an obvious one,]
I could never.
[I'm sorry. Would that he could metamorphize into hate. There will be no catharsis; there will be no place to point and blame and use as a means of getting it all out. There is no metamorphosis. That would imply a continued chapter of living. This is, instead, a death. His love does not cocoon and promise to become a fond memory; it will not compound and pulverize him into a man who has a more certain trust center. It breaks, and shatters, and instead leaves nothing but shame and mortification in its wake. Embarrassed for having ever hoped; ashamed for having inconvenience Rin in such a dreadful way; mortified for having ever let it leave his chest.
Finally, after trying so very hard, Rin gets it out. His tone doesn't sound so sure of himself, and Ai is certain it's only because Rin doesn't want to make himself feel too guilty. How cruel is it, then, that instead of stoking a new bout of waterworks, Rin instead has left Ai with the only genuine smile he's managed to crack since leaving the room?]
Thank you. [Now it's dead.] You've set me free. [I don't know where to go from here.] You'll be a little happier, too. [You won't have to worry about forgetting about me anymore.
Ai leans against the wall. Funny, how when the mind is so potently suppressed, the body picks up its slack; he can't identify when his knees felt like they were starting to give out. His head is turned fully away from Rin, into the corner of the vending area. One arm is held across his body. Minimizing; disappearing.]
Sorry for the trouble I've caused. I promise it won't happen again.
[it takes everything in him to not cross that boundary that ai just so clearly established. to wipe away that tear that ai is beating him to. to the point his hand is already stretching, reaching out but--
i could never.
--and it falls slack against his side. even more does it take still to fight the urge to scream at ai. to shake him by his collar, and beg to know why. why doesn't he hate him? why is rin matsuoka, the one person who does everything wrong between them, not worthy of that feeling? but he remembers a not so distant past, when rin acted similarly and. well.
that was the fallout that precedent all of this, wasn't it? and so, the thought doesn't flit across his mind again. and he just stands there, and suffers alongside ai. carrying the heavy knowledge of messing all of this up. it wasn't like a dive he could right or a turn he fucked up that he could hope to make ground for. the damage was done. and it that smile of sincerity just opens his own waterworks instead.
rin doesn't think he'll be happier. misery and guilt go hand in hand, and rin is famous for carrying things lost past their prime. it's a talent, really. something that when he can't sleep in the middle of the night he pours over, inflicting those deep cuts and scars on his own psyche. so he tries to focus on that little thing, something ai says that rin...doesn't exactly believe. you've set me free. and so he tries. he'll try. if only to make up for all his own damage he's caused.
ai appears to shrink into himself further than when rin found him, and hesitantly...rin takes a step back. instead of closing that gap with violence or comfort like he so desperately wants to. or maybe it's to keep the tears streaming down his face from ai's view as he fixates on the carpet]
...don't.
[rin does manage to choke out however, his voice near shattering as it finally works its way out of his throat]
Don't you dare blame yourself.
[and he knows asking might be fruitless because this is ai. and rin knows all too well how it feels to carry those things. but]
[Rin's lucky, for a time. That Ai's face is turned away, and so he can't see the way shattered glass starts to overtake Rin's gaze, too. But that nicety is shortlived, as Rin's own voice gives him away. Ai's gut lurches. He guesses there's no way for a clean break here, much as he's tried. I guess I'm still a friend, after all.
If only Ai could have internalized that sooner. A night ago, a couple months ago, five years ago. Maybe then, all of this could be avoided.
It is that exact line of thinking why Rin's attempts at downplaying Ai's obvious involvement as far as he sees it nearly make him angry, and have Ai whipping his gaze back to Rin. Taking him in, in his guilt. Regret? Ai couldn't fathom why; a part of him is bothered that Rin doesn't just take the free road paved for him already. Sitting here among wreckage. All while saying something like that-- Ai conjures enough strength to lean off the wall, drop his arms to his sides.]
I've had years to make it go away, yet I never did. [Ai's eyebrows fold; he's angry.] You've thought the same. How much easier it'd all be if not for--
[... His voice dies. Because even now, even now, with nothing left to even speak of, he can't give it a name. He pulls in a breath and tries again,]
-- if I had let it go. Because then you never would have ran away.
[The fury in his eyes die out immediately, memories of that evening washing over him like tar. He really should have gotten the hint, back then. In that moment. To his credit, he did try to put the bird back in its cage, lock it tight. Like a fool he kept choosing hope where its light peeked from the dimmest corners. If he's honest with himself, the heartbreak he will get over. But feeling so stupid, so ashamed-- those are the reasons his eyes can't linger on Rin's for much longer, casting down to the floor.
Was it worth it? Knowing you're not being met in the middle. Even if it hurt. Even if I only got that feeling momentarily. It was fucking worth it. Maybe I'm a coward after all.
The inevitability of it all, the hindsight that he should have trusted his gut makes the back of his eyes sting all over again. Stupid. Useless. Stupid.
Ai, suddenly a hypocrite, sways past Rin and into the mouth of the hallway.]
I'm going to get my phone and wallet.
[And lick his wounds, somewhere. He isn't sure where, but knows for damn sure plans are off for the night. Them being off, in fact, being the reason this all spiraled off the precipice to begin with. Which is more pathetic, going out on his own to barhop and avoid reality until he has no choice but to come back to the hotel at four am, or begging Sousuke to let him stay the night? Usually when he had to get it all out, in his adult age, he'd just go to the pool...
A horrible thought crosses his mind. I want to go home. How empty it all feels, without the back of maroon hair in front of him when he looks ahead. Ai's got a lot of thinking to do.]
[rin shrinks a little, when ai's tone takes on something more heated. it's enough to make ai swell and burst from his safe space against the wall. and that has rin shrinking a little in turn, almost taking a step backwards, hesitating in the process. because if there was one thing he promised himself, it would be that he wouldn't run anymore. it doesn't matter who from. he's sick of treating people to the same old sight over and over again.
his back retreating and fleeing the scene of the crime.
it's something rin is firm in his belief in. that the fallout here was all his own. anybody with feelings for someone would fall into line similarly. rin took advantage of ai's kindness. he had an inkling, but really he should have known completely. so much for being a best friend, right? it's hard for him to keep ai's gaze however, and he finds his own stays pointed towards the carpet pile, his lips screwed up so they stay shut and there's no further backlash or retorts.
rin would never. the only thing he could point the blame towards was his own recklessness. how his own behavior tore these walls of ignorance down. another reminder of how ai did everything right. how everyone got it wrong, because rin bolted. first to sousuke, who he then ran from in turn. the emotional vulnerability buried in booze and with a friend who got a bit too mouthy with the barley and hops they chugged together. nothing beyond that happened, truly but...the implications were clear enough. the brands rin wore, that everyone assumed were ai weren't even--]
...if it makes you feel better to think that, sure.
[his voice sounds so hollow, the traces of chokes and sobs still lingering on the edge of his tone. rin knows it's not true. ai's not the one at fault here. it's all rin. but he could scream until he was blue in the face and he doesn't think ai would ever let himself live everything down. and rin doesn't know how to break through that mindset. he's lived in it. shallowly thinking everything and everyone around him was out to get him, that he was at blame for everything bad in the world.
he blinks the tears from his eyes, but before he can retort, ai is sweeping past him. and suddenly rin knows the feeling. seeing someone run. leave because everything is too overwhelming. and this time, he doesn't break his stance to follow. he did not that not twenty minutes ago, and look at the aches it's caused now. he bites his lip, and just nods. because what else can he do? what else can he say at this point?
...stupid.
he hates how stupid he is. and everything he's broken in his miserably short life. and so rin tucks himself behind the vending machine this time, taking in a shuddering inhale, slamming his fist back against the wall. once. twice]
[He would have fought. If Rin gave push-back, tried to root Ai in this conversation he thinks is done, tried to force him to believe this was anything other than objectively his fault, he would have fought. Last remnants of strength he has in his body, he'd have torn his wrist from Rin's, grappled him, shoved him against the wall, throttled him-- something, anything.
But he wins his gamble. That Rin will let him go. It's a cruelty, to bank on such a thing in the first place. But Ai is also painfully aware there is nothing left to fix; just porcelain to be picked up and thrown away. There's no real reason to stop him, not this time.
Halfway down the hallway, it hits Ai like a truck that Haruka is still in the room, and probably had to watch Rin run out after Ai somewhat unceremoniously made it out in one piece. He'd done his best to keep a lid on it all, but. He knows more than either of them, Haruka is perceptive.
Haruka also won. Or, well-- there had been nothing to win. If Ai had been smarter, he'd have realized that years ago. All the same, Ai knows he will enter the hotel room to ocean blue eyes that will look upon him with nothing but raw, unmitigated pity, and Ai isn't ready for that.
At the front of the door, he reaches into his pocket--
...
Right. It's inside the room. Kick him while he's down. Or, maybe, this is just desserts for being the biggest, most useless woebegone this side of the Atlantic. Ai quietly presses his head against the wood of the door, and extends a modicum more self-control than Rin has back in the hallway to not just bang on the door. Not for entry, but out of frustration.
He doesn't bother wiping at his eyes; the redness around them is impossible to miss. Ai just keeps them glued down onto the floor as he, maybe too gingerly, knocks.]
[ai's unfortunately correct in his observations. haru is perceptive--almost to a fault. just like the stubbornness of rin is a fault. just like the overwhelming tenacity of ai is a fault. people often times can rise above their flaws, but other times they're subject to them.
when rin fled the room, something in haru sunk. it wasn't born of bitterness or sour or anything else. maybe pity wasn't the right word either. just a clawing, gaping hole left. because haru couldn't possibly be privy to the happenings between the two beyond his own assumptions, beyond the few things he's been able to piece together from what nitori has told him. and there's never been any bitterness held in its place. if there was some indication that rin would rather chase nitori down then, who was haru to stop him?
...even if he hasn't quite been able to get a read on rin's behavior since the night before.
...and no, haru was not jealous over the whole thing with rin swimming with nitori either.
the clock ticks on, and haru picks one of his books out of his half unpacked suitcase to pour over. it garners his attention for a short while, even if maybe he isn't as engrossed as he could be in it. the quiet is nice, he thinks to himself. it's not that he minds the company he's been placed with either. maybe it's a little more he aches for whatever it is they're trying to work out.
...but that soft rap at the door tugs him from his reading. he blinks at it for a moment, brows furrowed. he can't think of who it might be. rin and nitori both have roomkeys, so why--
right. his gaze settles on the forgotten objects strewn on nitori's bed and nightstand. haru places his book down against the sheets, making his way over to open the door. he doesn't shoot nitori down with looks of pity or anything else. merely just]
You forgot this.
[haru hands the items to him gingerly, as he steps aside, holding the door open for nitori if he wants to come in. he keeps his tone even as it so often is. his words aren't chastising or anything else. and he doesn't bother commenting on the wet sheen he sees, the red tinge in those blue eyes. he hates when people point out his emotions when they shine through. he would never do the same to someone else.
but if nitori wants to leave again, that's fine too. he doesn't ask about rin, he doesn't need to and doesn't want to right now]
[He expected Haruka to open the door and effectively look right through him, but Ai has no way of knowing how to interpret the fact Haruka is ready with his items. It's unfavourable, the first thought that crosses his mind. That Haruka is trying to usher him out faster. Had, perhaps, been waiting for the opportunity to do so. Rin drove the nail in, and this is simply the hammer finally coming down.
... But Ai knows Haruka better than that. Has known him to have an attitude, maybe, but not to be malicious. Never with him. I suppose he never saw me enough of a threat to warrant such a thing. Weak at best; forgettable at worst. And he doubts his name has been on Rin's tongue when in Haruka's company, so whatever impression Haruka's gotten over the years has been through sheer examination. If Haruka thinks him weak and forgettable, it's his own fault.
No. Ai has to try hard and not be uncharitable just because he's in the pits. It's more than likely Haruka had a semblance of what was going on, and is just trying to be helpful. Forensics help sell this through to Ai's, yes, tenacious head, which is presently dead-set on trying to regain control in whatever possible way it can so he can self-flagellate in peace; Haruka stays to the side, as if to usher Ai in if he'd like. Ai recalls the trinket Haruka had gifted him the day before--
He's beyond caring about dignity, and tries to keep his sniff quiet as he takes hold of his belongings, placing them in his pockets. Can't meet Haruka's eyes, and is maybe too quick to turn back around, but doesn't do so before bowing politely.]
Thanks. Sorry for the trouble.
[Beyond fetching Ai his keycard and phone and wallet. Sorry for all the misunderstandings. Sorry I couldn't have done this sooner. Sorry, I'm sorry. He hesitates, because Ai is instinctively about to deliver a platitude, something about coming back later. But that'd be a half-truth; he doesn't know where he's going, and so doesn't know when or if he'll be back. He just cannot be here right now. So without turning around, less out of stubborn need and more because he wants to spare Haruka the trouble, Ai shuffles his way back down the hallway.
Takes the long way to the elevators, hopeful to avoid Rin.
Depresses the down button and... Waits. Where to go from here? Sousuke is likely occupied, if not out already. His uncle doesn't have the faith in him - Ai should have listened to him those couple of weeks ago, secondhand as the delivery might've been from Rin's mouth - and Ai can't handle what he is sure is an I told you so.
A mistake. Had Rin been reluctant to deliver it at the time because a part of him knew Mikhail was right? Ai presses the heels of his palms to his eyes. From now on, I'm trusting my gut.
[when that roster was being called off, and assignments were being made, sousuke had a bad feeling this all might come to a head. not that's he's intimately knowledgeable with the happenings between the three. he knows enough from the all japan, and they haven't really touched on it much since so.
he could almost feel the welling of pain in ai from across the room hearing that. and it's exactly why he looked at rin the way he did. almost as if silently imploring him switch with me. because moments later, miyakawa was scolding him for sounding like he just choked on a rough dicking and then sousuke was paired off with the younger kirishima. who secretly was probably the perfect roommate in this whole, dramatic scenario. or maybe...
maybe he should have offered to switch with ai, he thinks to himself as he watches the trio slump towards the elevator, nanase seeming none the wiser. just how oblivious was that guy? rin wouldn't dare try anything, if he even wanted to, with sousuke in the room. him and nanase could shoot daggers at one another for no reason in particular, and it would be fine. awkward. but fine...
but the gesture died on his tongue. because there was one thing he didn't want to give, and ai would hardly appreciate in turn. pity. so he refrained, and went to his thankfully easy bunking situation. ikuya was quiet, clean, respectful and easy. he went out that night with everyone, but...he texts ai, but still doesn't offer anything besides a light gesture of company. nothing pressurizing or anything. because he would hate it too if he were in ai's shoes.
...but when he gets a picture of everyone out in a drunken tizzy, he frowns and texts ai.
you stayed in?
. . .
did you eat
and he would have offered to bring ai food, but the responses seemed tight and exasperated so he refrained once more. and spent a nice silent evening catching up on his sleep. is briefly awakened when kirishima comes back, clearly inebriated. which only intensifies his concern.
but still, he refrains. because pity is the last thing he's good at giving. and it's the last thing he thinks ai would appreciate in turn. tomorrow is similarly tight wound. sousuke sleeps through most of the morning, his jetlag still heavy on his mind. ikuya is dead to the world, and slips out silently when he eventually does forces himself into some land training.
he just isn't feeling the water today. and so he stays away, staring down at his phone every now and again. ai and rin and nanase are surely all practicing. unless something else happened he's not privy too. so the day goes about much like it normally does. he hits the spread they have for the athletes a few times, gets turned around more than once in his jog, and has to finally ask a (thankfully english speaking) local, and he's able to discern his right from left again and makes his way back to the hotel.
shower. eat. hit the gym at the hotel for a while (hey it's not athlete training center but it will do for his jetlagged brain). climbing back on the elevator and--]
...you look like shit.
[an astute observation as he sees ai climb on. his tone holds no pity or cruelty or anything else. just a usual flat tone. no i told you sos or anything else to be found in this steel box]
[That tall, almost foreboding presence is completely lost on him. Ai was so sucked into the misery of his own world, licking his own wounds, that the only other sound he'd had his ears primed for were the cadence of Rin's footfalls; everything else disappeared into background noise. It's why Ai almost startles after he steps inside, and turns around, clearly out of his wits what with the fact he hasn't hit a button yet. In front of him at once is Sousuke, high on the list of people he would have preferred didn't see him in this sorry state. Another cruel thought for the bucket, my luck is awful.
Because he sees Sousuke and immediately jumps to hearts exposed in a natatorium parking garage. Would Sousuke still be jealous now?
Ai titters, though there's no lift of his lips to match the sound. Just an arm that crosses his body to hold his side protectively, and a cheek turned because looking at Sousuke right now only makes the shame well up inside.]
Thanks. [Who is to say, why suddenly he's trying to iron out his countenance? Sousuke has always been the one he could bear his heart to, who understood him fundamentally. Maybe the idea of a mirror is what intimidates Ai into trying to pretend he isn't miserable,] Feel like it, too.
[The elevator door closes. Ai leans forward and just past Sousuke to hit the lobby button, after a moment of consideration. He leans against the back wall of the elevator, and brings sorry, tired, red eyes up to level his gaze at Sousuke. Instantly, any attempt at being strong washes away; his expression is exhausted more than it is painfully heartbroken. Ai chooses his words carefully, because the last thing he wants is pity... Or, for Sousuke to get angry on his behalf. The team needs to function as a team, despite this mess.
[it's easy to see how unsettled ai is. so much so he didn't notice sousuke standing in there to begin with. and while his tone may have come off aggressive or harsh to any other person, it's just their language.
and ai doesn't quite rise to it. not that he was expecting him to, of course. he'll let ai bare his heart or scream at him or whatever he needs to do because/ it's over hits and sousuke raises a brow at him. there's so many implications behind those two simple words. but...things he's thought ai had surely moved past. true, rin went right back to sleeping on his floor. even after showing up at sousuke's in the rain and sousuke not even knowing he was back in town. it's not like he holds it against ai or anything for not telling him but--]
For something to be over, it had to be something to start with.
[...realistically, he's still not trying to be harsh. his tone isn't overbearing or anything else. it comes off as more of a gentle reminder. he feels no pangs towards ai for what he got to experience. that's not his style, at least not anymore. they've all grown up now...well. maybe most. rin seems stuck in his own ass sometimes, but what else is new?]
Do I want to know?
[he tries not to think into that slip of vulnerability he shared in that parking garage not so long ago. even if ai was the only person on earth he would let see that side. and he doesn't need to stiffen at the implications, because he knows rin and nanase are sharing that room too. he won't ask ai what horrors he's befallen or anything else.
even if there is that tug and pique of curiousity.
instead, sousuke just closes the gap, leaning against ai's side lightly, looking down into those tear stained eyes for only a moment. though there's no pity, just a fleeting hint of concern in turquoise. he might be pissed, sure. but adulthood and responsibility is a funny thing. it's been his dream to stand on this stage with rin. and now they're here]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2026-01-10 03:10 am (UTC)he doesn't want his best friend to feel this way. he just wants this to be fixed. dimly, he almost texts...someone. anyone that would listen. miyakawa or mikhail or fuck even ryuuji at this point. just for some guidance or answers or the quickest aid to fucking change rooming assignments with anybody else. if it saved ai's mind? he would fucking pay for his own hotel for the next two weeks.
he doesn't know what he's walked into either. and he doesn't want to know. so he tosses his dirty clothes into a little pile next to his bed, grabbing a clean shirt and pulling it on. he's never been ashamed of his body much. but for some reason right now? feeling exposed, shirtless is the last thing he wants.
but he slips right back into that persona, that mask he's become so adept at wearing. he looks over at ai as haru goes to pull out one of his sketchbooks from his dresser, completely ignoring him if he's going to do the same and pout or whatever he's doing. he looks at his own phone as he tosses himself onto his bed, squinting at the unreads he's been subject to in less than thirty minutes. ugh]
...Natsuya said they're going out again tonight.
[there's no confirmation or denying that they're going out or he's accepting or anything else, except--]
Nope. Not dealing with that fuckin' hangover again.
[...but he's also not saying he'll go out either. ikuya sent him some stupid video he'll look at later. right now he's just focused on diffusing the tension he's caused]
no subject
Date: 2026-01-10 03:38 am (UTC)Ai's lips hang open just a beat too long. The obvious answer clinging onto the back of his tongue for dear life. Even just in this capacity, saying it so plainly would make it all real. But, it'd also kill it. It'd be the first step toward purging this sickness from his system, from Rin's psyche, from this hotel room.
I think he should tell you how he really feels.
His lips barely form around the first syllable of the thought when Rin crash-lands back into their room, and the way Ai jolts is almost dramatic in its shift. It's all he can do to shoot Haruka an apologetic smile, knowing he's inadvertently cut their conversation short-- never mind expending the mental energy to bring his pulse back down to something more manageable, and to tell the suddenly vibrating moths in his gut to keep still.
Rin mulls about the room getting himself situated, and Ai is polite and not ogling. From his periphery he can also see Haru is disinterested - feigned or otherwise - and seems to be reaching for something else. Then Rin is mentioning his texts, and Ai almost protests, because. He'd decided he had a plan, and for it to work he needed Rin there, and.
It'd seem awfully silly if he suddenly grew so upset at Rin choosing not to be present, especially so when Ai was the one who bailed the night before. He swallows around nothing, stares down at his phone, and then--]
Nanase-san, [his new scapegoat,] Will you still be going out tonight? [He scratches his cheek.] It's too bad. Maybe I should have gone last night after all.
no subject
Date: 2026-01-10 04:00 am (UTC)because.
he was honestly going to go. it's easy to feign sobriety after such an intense night. easy to push off any drink onto someone else. easy to escape the suffocating labyrinth of this room. maybe even get his friend to come out with him...? but rin shoots ai a look. it's so brief it might not even be caught because now there's something else hanging in the air. nanase-san. will you still be going out tonight? and rin sees exactly what passes over haru's gaze. he knows the look all too well.
and that's when his body instinctively leans into a fight or flight. he tenses, panic flooding every sense. no no no no no. he was banking on that not lingering. being able to escape again and again, and here he is. still wanting to escape all of his problems. ai, haru...how many more times does he have to run before this can settle itself?
how many more people have to hurt in the process?
haru looks over at ai, like that looks never crossed his face to begin with. and merely shrugs giving a little maybe. almost like he's unsure of how to proceed either. maybe he's banking on rin, maybe--]
Y-You ever hear back from Sousuke, Ai??
[rin blurts out suddenly, slamming his phone against the mattress in a less than gentle manner. diversion, diversion, diversion. ]
no subject
Date: 2026-01-10 04:25 am (UTC)Rin wants to run? Ai wants to disappear.
... It's hard to get a grip on his senses. Everything screams at him loudly that the message is clear, Rin is using sobriety as an excuse to not go despite saying he had been missed - a platitude. And Haruka has no inclination to fraternize with a parasite. Rin mentioning Sousuke is throwing him a bone and giving him a clear, loud out. Suddenly, rejection seems the easier choice. Ai's mentally prepared for that, for years. But being denounced as so utterly unwanted cuts in a way Ai couldn't have prepared himself for. It's a jolt to his system, and the room is now three for three on men who wear expressions they'd rather not. Blink-and-miss-it, the confused hurt pinches his eyebrows before he remembers there are two sets of eyes on him.
Rin would never. Yet it is the only reasonable conclusion Ai can come to. His brain works overtime to rationalize it as anything else, but it's evident by the stifling silence in the room no one else seems fit to fix it. He winces, holds back the need to cry, and sits up just a bit straighter on the bed. Ai waves his hand in front of his face, as if dismissing a thought that had been too silly to say out loud, and forces a smile onto his lips.]
A-Ah, well! You both had lots happen last night, it's to be expected you'd want to recover. I should have considered that. Kirishima-san is impressive, isn't he...
[No, he's not. But like Rin, he's throwing out diversions, because his eyes feel too hot and if he doesn't run his mouth, they will start leaking--
Yeah, he's on his feet. Almost antsy and unnerved in the way he goes to the desk, picks up his baguette, but makes no move to try and eat it. His voice chips around the edges when addressing the question of Sousuke,]
I'd asked him how practice went, he seems to be doing well.
[Ai puts the baguette back down.]
Ah, but nothing about tonight. I should probably ask, right?
[He swallows too thickly around nothing, and is suddenly padding for the front door.]
That's silly, I forgot to get-- I'll be back! I just-- the vending machine,
[Without so much as his wallet or his phone or his keycard, Ai doesn't wait a damn second for rebuttal or confused noises. In an instant the door is behind him, and he's peeling off for the ice dispensing area. It's as fit a place to have a quiet breakdown as any.]
no subject
Date: 2026-01-10 04:45 am (UTC)his voice sounds so agonizingly broken, rin knows that facade. not because he has heard ai in such dire straights before. no, it's because he knows what it means to slip into that mask. trying to keep yourself so together that everything else starts to crack and crumble at the edges. maybe haru has the same thought when the prospect of the vending machine suddenly comes out of nowhere. rin thought he might bolt, but then ai does it. and he stiffens as that door slams behind him.
because he's broken in his thought process for a moment. time alone with haruka fucking nanase. isn't that what he's both craved and despaired over? but... haru's gaze trails after ai too, a little wide eyed and then.
rin goes right after him.
there's no telling if he'll find him or not. ai has a little distance on him because rin is a fucking coward. and he doesn't quite know where to look. maybe vending machines should have been the first place because...well. isn't this where some of this began? right in front of a vending machine? rin remembers ai's wide eyed expression, something he's only seen once since--
he remembers the gentle fingertips wrapped around his own hand, completely uncaring of what might transpire to him. only caring about the fact that rin might hurt himself further. there's a sting in the corner of his eyes, that shame welling and bubbling over the surface. oh how he hates himself.
and eventually maybe he does find ai by the vending machine. maybe it takes him some time. or maybe he doesn't but...god does he try. even texting sousuke, asking him that so stupid question. one he hates for asking. because he as a good friend should always know where ai is right? have you seen ai?]
no subject
Date: 2026-01-10 05:02 am (UTC)Because the alternative was breaking down in front of his roommates and having to feel the overwhelming and crushing guilt of not being able to keep it together. When everyone else is crumbling-- when Rin is, and intentionally or not relies on Ai to be stalwart, and secure, and stable. And it was easier to be those things when he and Rin had a lifetime's worth of grey area between them. But as more grey matter is given name, as more shadows are brought to light, as more of what Ai has tried so god damn hard to keep under strict lock and key is dragged out into the waking world, so too do the threads at his seams begin to give. Pathetic. Useless. Words that pummel his mind, up until he thinks he hears footfalls approaching.
Can't you take a hint? It's such a cruel thing to think, but it is the first thought that crosses his mind, because there is only one person who could be barreling down the hall that fast. He'd actually put thought into this outfit, too - a clean white crewneck sweater, light blue baggy jeans cropped at the ankles. Now he's using the cuff of his sleeve and the hem of his sweater to stay his tears and the mess on his face in record time, blotting the fabric damp.
He is, at the very least, a pretty crier. There is no blubbering here, no snot, and record speed at regaining composure. Even if his eyes and nose, reddened and puffy, give him away.
Red hair nearly zooms past, and Ai just stands patiently in the outcove, the rumble of the vending and ice machines an appropriate backdrop, he thinks. They synchronize and harmonize with the cacophony in his head pretty damn well.
... But he won't look Rin in the eye. If he had known Rin would give chase, he wouldn't have ran to begin with. Ai tries to quietly and subtly pull in a breath to steel himself, though it comes up shaky.]
Why are you running? [No sense in hiding, though Ai's gaze averts away. He keeps his head turned, and dabs the corner of his eye with the edge of his sleeve.] I'm right where I said I'd be. I just need a minute.
no subject
Date: 2026-01-15 03:24 am (UTC)...rin really has been blind to all this over the years.
he bites his lip, shifting his gaze towards the floor. it's a vile feeling sometimes, to have someone finding you crying. he knows it all too well. and now that guilt just floods over him in waves. ai's right, he did say where he would be didn't he? isn't it obvious that rin just stormed into a private moment as he so often does? he tries to offset the feeling by rubbing the back of his neck. but...]
Guess I followed you because--
[it's inappropriate timing maybe. the way rin laughs. but it's a soft thing, maybe laced together with the faintest undertone of bitterness and a self deprecating tone]
Had to make sure you weren't being stupid. What was it you said?
[rin tries so hard to keep the mood light, do something stupid or say something kind or equally dumb to put a smile back on his roommate's face. so he tries to shift his gaze to meet ai's]
'You're too young to die'.
[not that he seriously thinks ai was going to kill himself. but it's a little callback to when the world didn't seem so big outside the confines of their all too small dorm room. rin sighs. he can't keep the mood light forever, and takes a step back to keep more of his weight on his leg]
...is this going to be too hard?
[rin doesn't specify. which might be a crime of itself, but he hopes it's obvious. this rooming situation with haru]
no subject
Date: 2026-01-15 03:39 am (UTC)Though, perceptive ears will hear a watery titter. Ai recognizes that call back to such an outrageous fret he'd declared so many years ago. He's honestly surprised Rin remembers.]
You need to have more faith in me than that.
[What really kills him is Rin's consideration that follows thereafter. Ai wishes he'd swallow the words. And something bubbles up in him, which is dangerous. The first time he'd felt this, it resulted in shattered mugs and mistakes. The second time, it wound up with him collapsed on the floor. But it's almost an impetus, instinct mercilessly prying his lips open where his self-control otherwise wouldn't want it to.
He realizes it's cowardice, saying it with his back turned. He's already lowly, what's one step lower?]
I should be asking you that. Right?
[Ai straightens his shoulders. Hands calm at his sides. Blinks his eyelashes furiously to try and stay his tears on his own.]
I don't understand why you hesitate. The way you scowl when you think eyes are on you, and the way you soften when you don't. I said it at that time, didn't I?
[I know what yearning looks like. The silence that follows has his shoulders stiffening, and his head held just a little higher. His voice, too calm. Resolute.]
Nanase-san has been waiting for you. You've spent too much time running, Rin-senpai. So I'll tell you the same thing I told him: if you talked with him, you wouldn't regret it.
[Ah. So, this is it.]
...
If you do that much, it won't be so hard.
no subject
Date: 2026-01-15 03:54 am (UTC)[rin scoffs. but then, really. given everything that's happened. ai has every reason to doubt rin's faith in him. isn't it interesting? how the events of just a few months can change your whole trajectory? from relationships to bonds and how even the public perceives them. he cycles back from that statement, keeping his distance, giving ai his space.
because he's even failed in that in every regard apparently.
unfortunately, the topic slips back into familiar territory. the thing he's been avoiding all along. he'll never be able to escape the observant nature of aiichirou nitori, will he? that's never been in the cards. not the whole time they've been together
and apart.or maybe it's because rin hates being lumped into something so simple so easily. something he's never been able to shake since high school, apparently. and that self inflicted disgust continues to build. until it manifests as an echo; the shattering of porcelain breaking over and over again on the tile. something he doesn't think he'll be able to escape for as long as he lives]
You know what talking means.
[i know what that means. he thinks to himself quickly. the way he's jerked away time and time again. thirty minutes ago in his own bed, last night at the door. if coward had a picture in the dictionary, the face of rin matsuoka would be slathered all over the pages.
he can't help the recoil of disgust he feels when he feels his lip tremor, and his own eyes sting in turn. because rin settles on a bitter realization]
So what happens then?
[spoken aloud without much thought, a rhetorical more than anything. he doesn't expect ai to answer because he doesn't know what is fair to even expect. it's unfair of him to be saying it at all, like he's pinning the weight of it on his roommate. so he tries to backpedal to save face]
I--just. I'm tired of hurting you.
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Date: 2026-01-15 04:07 am (UTC)Maybe he will go out tonight. Alone. Maybe he'll get sloshed, weep on someone's shoulder, beg Sousuke to say I told you so in a flagellation ritual, and have such a haggard night getting it all out of his system he doesn't even come back to the hotel room. Maybe all he has to do is purge himself from the inside out. And then he can reinvent himself for the umpteenth time, this time without a core, and with a space to finally let it heal.]
That's not true at all.
[Ai has always been prime among Rin's company to give him harsh truths, right now is no different. Wanting to drive this home, Ai finally turns to face Rin, the calm of his expression only cut by the deep, furrowed line of his eyebrows and the persistent, wet flush lining his eyes and nose. He's not going to let Rin weasel out of it, so he continues, tone so even he may as well be describing the weather,]
You're tired of your inaction being punished. It isn't me, it never was. I could be anyone else, and you'd feel the exact same.
[Third best. He should have trusted his gut all those months ago. Hope was never his friend. There is a timeline somewhere where Ai kept it all under tight lock and key, and Rin never had reason to suspect, and they could have continued in their lanes neatly. Ai could have continued licking his own wounds, rather than bleeding through his clothing in plain sight.
Ai sets his jaw where it threatens to tremble and build up this stalwart disposition he's managed, leveling Rin with a hard, unrelenting gaze.]
Of course I know what talking means. And so do you. It means we can all start moving on.
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Date: 2026-01-15 04:20 am (UTC)a hundred different scenarios and roads he could take from this point.
...each one feeling worse than the last.
he inhales. exhales. rin's forced to face it, and it manifests as cloudy skies--all the sun and light obscured by the thick fog. such a dim, dreary blue that once seemed so bright, too bright under the scorch of crimson. rin's throat feels tight.
sometimes things have to be laid out frank in life. even when it seems too difficult to bear. and most of the time it needs to come from the right person. because if that voice isn't loud enough, why would anyone choose to listen? if the stakes weren't high enough, why bother at all? he tries to say something, anything. but each word dies on his tongue, his lips parted uselessly. months prior, everything seemed fine. all those sunny days getting to know each other again. a shimmer in their gazes, the fond teases exchanged easily without much thought behind them.
but that's just the problem with precious, delicate things. even after they break, even if you glue back every shard, there will always be those cracks. the structure will always be compromised.
and so. all rin can do when that gaze continues to level with him is reach forward, brushing the back of his hand across that sickeningly tear streaked cheek. at least shouldering some of the burden. rin may not be worth much in this world anymore, but at least he can try to wipe away some of the mess he's caused]
...okay.
[after all. what else is there to say?]
no subject
Date: 2026-01-15 04:27 am (UTC)... And then Ai does the thing he should have done so long ago. His shaking hand betrays him, but hie intent is clear: he softly takes hold of Rin's wrist, and moves it away from his face. In that instant, his bottom lip threatens to give way, a second wave of fresh tears hot behind his eyes. Ai does them both the favour of staying them.
And then swallows. And then blurts out, a thought formed not in his head but on his tongue,]
I need to hear you say it. That I never stood a chance.
[His expression hardens.]
And then we can go back to normal.
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Date: 2026-01-15 04:46 am (UTC)but unfortunately, it's a monster of rin matsuoka's own making. leaning into impulsiveness and inconsideration has led him down this road. but it's what he deserves, right? after all, how much pain has he inflicted onto others, even if just simply by existing? his own existence is what shoehorned his dad's death after all. his dad could have gone to the olympics. and then he had to come along, and the storm of it all and--]
...don't make me say it.
[his voice shakes, suddenly so small in a too small hallway. he tries, but nothing comes out. all he can see is that fresh glint in ai's eyes. the ones that signal the dam just about to burst. too much mud and clay packed into a weak and shaky structure. ah, but that's not ai either is it? he's always been strong. it's impressive he's made it so far with everything he's endured. his endurance really is one for the record books, isn't it?
he tries again. and nothing comes out.
because he doesn't quite know if that's true. if haruka fucking nanase had never been in the equation, wouldn't things be different? or would rin's temper and tenacity at ruining everything precious eventually win out? he knows the answer deep down, but it feels so hollow all the same. what would normal look like?
what can normal look like now..?
all the shades of blue that have shaped him throughout the years. and even when they've bled through, it always--]
no subject
Date: 2026-01-15 04:57 am (UTC)It's a cruel thought to have. That if Haruka were the one to ask, would Rin jump at the chance to fulfill his wish? Even now, Ai feels an afterthought. Rin's guilt is aimless, and Ai is feeling the weight of that.
So, he does what he does best. Continues to keep that facade pinned to his face, where Rin's threatens to crack and shatter. And presses, because Ai sees a way out, sees a way for Rin to be happy, to smile, and they won't get there if Rin keeps running.
Deep breath in. Quiet, long exhale out.]
Once you do, you can stop feeling guilty. There'd be nothing left to feel bad about. You can stop looking at me with pity in your eyes.
[Far too pragmatic, almost sterile delivery when the topic is the deep, unrelenting, strangling love he has held in his heart for the past five, almost six years. It's evident he's split himself in twain; compartmentalizing to try and see this through to the end.]
And then, I can stop wondering what if. I can ignore the hope that's gotten me in trouble too many times. It's a net-positive.
[A thick swallow around no thing. There is a leaden weight on the back of his tongue, a sting up the entirety of his vocal cavity.]
Please.
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Date: 2026-01-17 04:51 pm (UTC)maybe the guilt is something that will always be there. it has been for a long time now. flaring and ebbing, yet always lingering. there's something oddly satisfying in the way the body seeks out further hurt when the ache is already present. rin can almost taste the way the hurt wells in ai's throat, lacing the undertone of his plea.
his own throat works around nothing. it feels like the words are knotted up in his throat, throbbing in a way they might never escape. but he can't. how much has he taken from ai, and how much has he paid back? shouldn't something like this be easy enough? his lips part, and something bordering a sob slips out instead. his own eyes stinging, that fresh sting welling in the corners and slowly dribbling over]
Do you hate me?
[he blurts out instead, his own weakness and hollowness spilling over the seams. he knows the answer, but he just wants...just like ai has to hear this one thing from rin. so too does rin need his own verification]
...for everything I put you through?
[everything hurts. a giant mess of tangled nerves and feelings that he can't quite vocalize. just another selfish request. rin thinks maybe it's a lie. if it wasn't for the ocean, then maybe--]
...
[he tries to choke it out. he's near doubled over, pulling his hand back to rip against the fabric over his chest. like that would do something to aid in all of this. it doesn't. if anything it makes it worse]
...
[he tries again. rin is well aware of his selfishness. how ai rarely has asked anything of him over the years. and even just a simple request such as that--rin fails at. so miserably. like everything else. it's not the hope that's gotten ai in trouble so much. it's rin. it's always been him. he knows because he stares in the mirror every morning, and that thought creeps into the back of his mind.
it's still you.]
...you never stood a chance.
[it tastes like the biggest lie he's ever spat out. there's no way to know if there was ever any truth behind it. rin's been all too content with putting ai at the back of mind for other
peoplethings over the years. there's no way it could have ever ended peacefully, even if an attempt had been made. maybe in another verse, and not one where rin is dimly aware that haru watched him run out after ai. and isn't that just what he's best at?running.]
no subject
Date: 2026-01-17 06:11 pm (UTC)Often, metamorphosis was the catalyst for positive change. A caterpillar liquefies into a beautiful butterfly. Coal pulverizes itself into diamonds. But this metamorphosis feels nowhere near as poetic, or kind. If only love could metamorphize into hate; maybe that would have made this all so much easier. If Ai even had the capacity in him to think a single inflammatory thing about Rin, such that he felt it at his core. Maybe then, letting go would be so much easier.
Ai only shakes his head, and presses the knuckle of his pinky to the corner of his eye. His answer an obvious one,]
I could never.
[I'm sorry. Would that he could metamorphize into hate. There will be no catharsis; there will be no place to point and blame and use as a means of getting it all out. There is no metamorphosis. That would imply a continued chapter of living. This is, instead, a death. His love does not cocoon and promise to become a fond memory; it will not compound and pulverize him into a man who has a more certain trust center. It breaks, and shatters, and instead leaves nothing but shame and mortification in its wake. Embarrassed for having ever hoped; ashamed for having inconvenience Rin in such a dreadful way; mortified for having ever let it leave his chest.
Finally, after trying so very hard, Rin gets it out. His tone doesn't sound so sure of himself, and Ai is certain it's only because Rin doesn't want to make himself feel too guilty. How cruel is it, then, that instead of stoking a new bout of waterworks, Rin instead has left Ai with the only genuine smile he's managed to crack since leaving the room?]
Thank you. [Now it's dead.] You've set me free. [I don't know where to go from here.] You'll be a little happier, too. [You won't have to worry about forgetting about me anymore.
Ai leans against the wall. Funny, how when the mind is so potently suppressed, the body picks up its slack; he can't identify when his knees felt like they were starting to give out. His head is turned fully away from Rin, into the corner of the vending area. One arm is held across his body. Minimizing; disappearing.]
Sorry for the trouble I've caused. I promise it won't happen again.
no subject
Date: 2026-01-19 09:20 pm (UTC)i could never.
--and it falls slack against his side. even more does it take still to fight the urge to scream at ai. to shake him by his collar, and beg to know why. why doesn't he hate him? why is rin matsuoka, the one person who does everything wrong between them, not worthy of that feeling? but he remembers a not so distant past, when rin acted similarly and. well.
that was the fallout that precedent all of this, wasn't it? and so, the thought doesn't flit across his mind again. and he just stands there, and suffers alongside ai. carrying the heavy knowledge of messing all of this up. it wasn't like a dive he could right or a turn he fucked up that he could hope to make ground for. the damage was done. and it that smile of sincerity just opens his own waterworks instead.
rin doesn't think he'll be happier. misery and guilt go hand in hand, and rin is famous for carrying things lost past their prime. it's a talent, really. something that when he can't sleep in the middle of the night he pours over, inflicting those deep cuts and scars on his own psyche. so he tries to focus on that little thing, something ai says that rin...doesn't exactly believe. you've set me free. and so he tries. he'll try. if only to make up for all his own damage he's caused.
ai appears to shrink into himself further than when rin found him, and hesitantly...rin takes a step back. instead of closing that gap with violence or comfort like he so desperately wants to. or maybe it's to keep the tears streaming down his face from ai's view as he fixates on the carpet]
...don't.
[rin does manage to choke out however, his voice near shattering as it finally works its way out of his throat]
Don't you dare blame yourself.
[and he knows asking might be fruitless because this is ai. and rin knows all too well how it feels to carry those things. but]
We both know it wasn't your fault.
no subject
Date: 2026-01-19 09:43 pm (UTC)If only Ai could have internalized that sooner. A night ago, a couple months ago, five years ago. Maybe then, all of this could be avoided.
It is that exact line of thinking why Rin's attempts at downplaying Ai's obvious involvement as far as he sees it nearly make him angry, and have Ai whipping his gaze back to Rin. Taking him in, in his guilt. Regret? Ai couldn't fathom why; a part of him is bothered that Rin doesn't just take the free road paved for him already. Sitting here among wreckage. All while saying something like that-- Ai conjures enough strength to lean off the wall, drop his arms to his sides.]
I've had years to make it go away, yet I never did. [Ai's eyebrows fold; he's angry.] You've thought the same. How much easier it'd all be if not for--
[... His voice dies. Because even now, even now, with nothing left to even speak of, he can't give it a name. He pulls in a breath and tries again,]
-- if I had let it go. Because then you never would have ran away.
[The fury in his eyes die out immediately, memories of that evening washing over him like tar. He really should have gotten the hint, back then. In that moment. To his credit, he did try to put the bird back in its cage, lock it tight. Like a fool he kept choosing hope where its light peeked from the dimmest corners. If he's honest with himself, the heartbreak he will get over. But feeling so stupid, so ashamed-- those are the reasons his eyes can't linger on Rin's for much longer, casting down to the floor.
Was it worth it? Knowing you're not being met in the middle.
Even if it hurt. Even if I only got that feeling momentarily. It was fucking worth it.
Maybe I'm a coward after all.
The inevitability of it all, the hindsight that he should have trusted his gut makes the back of his eyes sting all over again. Stupid. Useless. Stupid.
Ai, suddenly a hypocrite, sways past Rin and into the mouth of the hallway.]
I'm going to get my phone and wallet.
[And lick his wounds, somewhere. He isn't sure where, but knows for damn sure plans are off for the night. Them being off, in fact, being the reason this all spiraled off the precipice to begin with. Which is more pathetic, going out on his own to barhop and avoid reality until he has no choice but to come back to the hotel at four am, or begging Sousuke to let him stay the night? Usually when he had to get it all out, in his adult age, he'd just go to the pool...
A horrible thought crosses his mind. I want to go home. How empty it all feels, without the back of maroon hair in front of him when he looks ahead. Ai's got a lot of thinking to do.]
no subject
Date: 2026-01-23 06:34 pm (UTC)his back retreating and fleeing the scene of the crime.
it's something rin is firm in his belief in. that the fallout here was all his own. anybody with feelings for someone would fall into line similarly. rin took advantage of ai's kindness. he had an inkling, but really he should have known completely. so much for being a best friend, right? it's hard for him to keep ai's gaze however, and he finds his own stays pointed towards the carpet pile, his lips screwed up so they stay shut and there's no further backlash or retorts.
rin would never. the only thing he could point the blame towards was his own recklessness. how his own behavior tore these walls of ignorance down. another reminder of how ai did everything right. how everyone got it wrong, because rin bolted. first to sousuke, who he then ran from in turn. the emotional vulnerability buried in booze and with a friend who got a bit too mouthy with the barley and hops they chugged together. nothing beyond that happened, truly but...the implications were clear enough. the brands rin wore, that everyone assumed were ai weren't even--]
...if it makes you feel better to think that, sure.
[his voice sounds so hollow, the traces of chokes and sobs still lingering on the edge of his tone. rin knows it's not true. ai's not the one at fault here. it's all rin. but he could scream until he was blue in the face and he doesn't think ai would ever let himself live everything down. and rin doesn't know how to break through that mindset. he's lived in it. shallowly thinking everything and everyone around him was out to get him, that he was at blame for everything bad in the world.
he blinks the tears from his eyes, but before he can retort, ai is sweeping past him. and suddenly rin knows the feeling. seeing someone run. leave because everything is too overwhelming. and this time, he doesn't break his stance to follow. he did not that not twenty minutes ago, and look at the aches it's caused now. he bites his lip, and just nods. because what else can he do? what else can he say at this point?
...stupid.
he hates how stupid he is. and everything he's broken in his miserably short life. and so rin tucks himself behind the vending machine this time, taking in a shuddering inhale, slamming his fist back against the wall. once. twice]
no subject
Date: 2026-01-23 07:13 pm (UTC)But he wins his gamble. That Rin will let him go. It's a cruelty, to bank on such a thing in the first place. But Ai is also painfully aware there is nothing left to fix; just porcelain to be picked up and thrown away. There's no real reason to stop him, not this time.
Halfway down the hallway, it hits Ai like a truck that Haruka is still in the room, and probably had to watch Rin run out after Ai somewhat unceremoniously made it out in one piece. He'd done his best to keep a lid on it all, but. He knows more than either of them, Haruka is perceptive.
Haruka also won. Or, well-- there had been nothing to win. If Ai had been smarter, he'd have realized that years ago. All the same, Ai knows he will enter the hotel room to ocean blue eyes that will look upon him with nothing but raw, unmitigated pity, and Ai isn't ready for that.
At the front of the door, he reaches into his pocket--
...
Right. It's inside the room. Kick him while he's down. Or, maybe, this is just desserts for being the biggest, most useless woebegone this side of the Atlantic. Ai quietly presses his head against the wood of the door, and extends a modicum more self-control than Rin has back in the hallway to not just bang on the door. Not for entry, but out of frustration.
He doesn't bother wiping at his eyes; the redness around them is impossible to miss. Ai just keeps them glued down onto the floor as he, maybe too gingerly, knocks.]
no subject
Date: 2026-01-23 08:11 pm (UTC)when rin fled the room, something in haru sunk. it wasn't born of bitterness or sour or anything else. maybe pity wasn't the right word either. just a clawing, gaping hole left. because haru couldn't possibly be privy to the happenings between the two beyond his own assumptions, beyond the few things he's been able to piece together from what nitori has told him. and there's never been any bitterness held in its place. if there was some indication that rin would rather chase nitori down then, who was haru to stop him?
...even if he hasn't quite been able to get a read on rin's behavior since the night before.
...and no, haru was not jealous over the whole thing with rin swimming with nitori either.
the clock ticks on, and haru picks one of his books out of his half unpacked suitcase to pour over. it garners his attention for a short while, even if maybe he isn't as engrossed as he could be in it. the quiet is nice, he thinks to himself. it's not that he minds the company he's been placed with either. maybe it's a little more he aches for whatever it is they're trying to work out.
...but that soft rap at the door tugs him from his reading. he blinks at it for a moment, brows furrowed. he can't think of who it might be. rin and nitori both have roomkeys, so why--
right. his gaze settles on the forgotten objects strewn on nitori's bed and nightstand. haru places his book down against the sheets, making his way over to open the door. he doesn't shoot nitori down with looks of pity or anything else. merely just]
You forgot this.
[haru hands the items to him gingerly, as he steps aside, holding the door open for nitori if he wants to come in. he keeps his tone even as it so often is. his words aren't chastising or anything else. and he doesn't bother commenting on the wet sheen he sees, the red tinge in those blue eyes. he hates when people point out his emotions when they shine through. he would never do the same to someone else.
but if nitori wants to leave again, that's fine too. he doesn't ask about rin, he doesn't need to and doesn't want to right now]
no subject
Date: 2026-01-23 08:52 pm (UTC)... But Ai knows Haruka better than that. Has known him to have an attitude, maybe, but not to be malicious. Never with him. I suppose he never saw me enough of a threat to warrant such a thing. Weak at best; forgettable at worst. And he doubts his name has been on Rin's tongue when in Haruka's company, so whatever impression Haruka's gotten over the years has been through sheer examination. If Haruka thinks him weak and forgettable, it's his own fault.
No. Ai has to try hard and not be uncharitable just because he's in the pits. It's more than likely Haruka had a semblance of what was going on, and is just trying to be helpful. Forensics help sell this through to Ai's, yes, tenacious head, which is presently dead-set on trying to regain control in whatever possible way it can so he can self-flagellate in peace; Haruka stays to the side, as if to usher Ai in if he'd like. Ai recalls the trinket Haruka had gifted him the day before--
He's beyond caring about dignity, and tries to keep his sniff quiet as he takes hold of his belongings, placing them in his pockets. Can't meet Haruka's eyes, and is maybe too quick to turn back around, but doesn't do so before bowing politely.]
Thanks. Sorry for the trouble.
[Beyond fetching Ai his keycard and phone and wallet. Sorry for all the misunderstandings. Sorry I couldn't have done this sooner. Sorry, I'm sorry. He hesitates, because Ai is instinctively about to deliver a platitude, something about coming back later. But that'd be a half-truth; he doesn't know where he's going, and so doesn't know when or if he'll be back. He just cannot be here right now. So without turning around, less out of stubborn need and more because he wants to spare Haruka the trouble, Ai shuffles his way back down the hallway.
Takes the long way to the elevators, hopeful to avoid Rin.
Depresses the down button and... Waits. Where to go from here? Sousuke is likely occupied, if not out already. His uncle doesn't have the faith in him - Ai should have listened to him those couple of weeks ago, secondhand as the delivery might've been from Rin's mouth - and Ai can't handle what he is sure is an I told you so.
A mistake. Had Rin been reluctant to deliver it at the time because a part of him knew Mikhail was right? Ai presses the heels of his palms to his eyes. From now on, I'm trusting my gut.
The elevator opens, and Ai steps in.]
no subject
Date: 2026-01-23 09:35 pm (UTC)he could almost feel the welling of pain in ai from across the room hearing that. and it's exactly why he looked at rin the way he did. almost as if silently imploring him switch with me. because moments later, miyakawa was scolding him for sounding like he just choked on a rough dicking and then sousuke was paired off with the younger kirishima. who secretly was probably the perfect roommate in this whole, dramatic scenario. or maybe...
maybe he should have offered to switch with ai, he thinks to himself as he watches the trio slump towards the elevator, nanase seeming none the wiser. just how oblivious was that guy? rin wouldn't dare try anything, if he even wanted to, with sousuke in the room. him and nanase could shoot daggers at one another for no reason in particular, and it would be fine. awkward. but fine...
but the gesture died on his tongue. because there was one thing he didn't want to give, and ai would hardly appreciate in turn. pity. so he refrained, and went to his thankfully easy bunking situation. ikuya was quiet, clean, respectful and easy. he went out that night with everyone, but...he texts ai, but still doesn't offer anything besides a light gesture of company. nothing pressurizing or anything. because he would hate it too if he were in ai's shoes.
...but when he gets a picture of everyone out in a drunken tizzy, he frowns and texts ai.
you stayed in?
. . .
did you eat
and he would have offered to bring ai food, but the responses seemed tight and exasperated so he refrained once more. and spent a nice silent evening catching up on his sleep. is briefly awakened when kirishima comes back, clearly inebriated. which only intensifies his concern.
but still, he refrains. because pity is the last thing he's good at giving. and it's the last thing he thinks ai would appreciate in turn. tomorrow is similarly tight wound. sousuke sleeps through most of the morning, his jetlag still heavy on his mind. ikuya is dead to the world, and slips out silently when he eventually does forces himself into some land training.
he just isn't feeling the water today. and so he stays away, staring down at his phone every now and again. ai and rin and nanase are surely all practicing. unless something else happened he's not privy too. so the day goes about much like it normally does. he hits the spread they have for the athletes a few times, gets turned around more than once in his jog, and has to finally ask a (thankfully english speaking) local, and he's able to discern his right from left again and makes his way back to the hotel.
shower. eat. hit the gym at the hotel for a while (hey it's not athlete training center but it will do for his jetlagged brain). climbing back on the elevator and--]
...you look like shit.
[an astute observation as he sees ai climb on. his tone holds no pity or cruelty or anything else. just a usual flat tone. no i told you sos or anything else to be found in this steel box]
no subject
Date: 2026-01-23 10:18 pm (UTC)Because he sees Sousuke and immediately jumps to hearts exposed in a natatorium parking garage. Would Sousuke still be jealous now?
Ai titters, though there's no lift of his lips to match the sound. Just an arm that crosses his body to hold his side protectively, and a cheek turned because looking at Sousuke right now only makes the shame well up inside.]
Thanks. [Who is to say, why suddenly he's trying to iron out his countenance? Sousuke has always been the one he could bear his heart to, who understood him fundamentally. Maybe the idea of a mirror is what intimidates Ai into trying to pretend he isn't miserable,] Feel like it, too.
[The elevator door closes. Ai leans forward and just past Sousuke to hit the lobby button, after a moment of consideration. He leans against the back wall of the elevator, and brings sorry, tired, red eyes up to level his gaze at Sousuke. Instantly, any attempt at being strong washes away; his expression is exhausted more than it is painfully heartbroken. Ai chooses his words carefully, because the last thing he wants is pity... Or, for Sousuke to get angry on his behalf. The team needs to function as a team, despite this mess.
Ai blinks, once. Slowly.]
It's over.
no subject
Date: 2026-01-28 01:47 am (UTC)and ai doesn't quite rise to it. not that he was expecting him to, of course. he'll let ai bare his heart or scream at him or whatever he needs to do because/ it's over hits and sousuke raises a brow at him. there's so many implications behind those two simple words. but...things he's thought ai had surely moved past. true, rin went right back to sleeping on his floor. even after showing up at sousuke's in the rain and sousuke not even knowing he was back in town. it's not like he holds it against ai or anything for not telling him but--]
For something to be over, it had to be something to start with.
[...realistically, he's still not trying to be harsh. his tone isn't overbearing or anything else. it comes off as more of a gentle reminder. he feels no pangs towards ai for what he got to experience. that's not his style, at least not anymore. they've all grown up now...well. maybe most. rin seems stuck in his own ass sometimes, but what else is new?]
Do I want to know?
[he tries not to think into that slip of vulnerability he shared in that parking garage not so long ago. even if ai was the only person on earth he would let see that side. and he doesn't need to stiffen at the implications, because he knows rin and nanase are sharing that room too. he won't ask ai what horrors he's befallen or anything else.
even if there is that tug and pique of curiousity.
instead, sousuke just closes the gap, leaning against ai's side lightly, looking down into those tear stained eyes for only a moment. though there's no pity, just a fleeting hint of concern in turquoise. he might be pissed, sure. but adulthood and responsibility is a funny thing. it's been his dream to stand on this stage with rin. and now they're here]
...sorry.
[he tries to offer instead]
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