"You're telling me..." Nagisa-kun is a force to be reckoned with. A thought amplified only by the spectacle laid before them, which causes Ai's face to heat up to a bright crimson, feeling as if he's been given a paid seat to a show he isn't sure he should be watching. He knew it was well overdue, but still.
Idiot dumb traitorous thing that he is, instinctively and subconsciously, his eyes look to Rin. Realizing the neurons that have just fired, Ai's face heats up even worse, and rather than dignify the thoughts in his head with words of admonishment, he simply yanks his head away and claps.
"Even if it isn't his race, Nagisa-kun finds a way to win."
Sousuke isn't the only one rising to get ready for the IM; Ai had a surprising amount on his mind for this one. Chose not to engage this year, as having swam beside Ikuya for two full semesters has taught Ai he is nowhere near competition level yet with his IM times. He favoured endurance where he could, and knew he actually had some amount of instinct for it, but had come to this realization too late in the year to justify training for it. Ikuya's given him some pointers, and Sousuke was there frequently to coach him on his free and his butterfly; it's a goal for next year. For now, it's all he can do to give his support to Ikuya as loudly as possible, and take in the sights eager-eyed.
Rin's declaration has Ai whipping his head, looking to Rin almost skeptically before deflating and saying quietly, though still within Sousuke's earshot, "He's just going to say something crass...!"
"And you think you'd stop him?"
"I'd have better luck diving into the pool from here."
Ai bounds out from the bleachers, not necessarily intent on being there right as Rin is, but Ai wants to give his support to Ikuya directly too, and knows he has two, maybe three minutes to do it.
Rin slams into Ikuya the second he gets downstairs. Ikuya makes a horribly offended noise, trying to push Rin away from him. Rin refuses to relent, fucking up Ikuya’s hair and cap as much as humanly possibly. His smirk is wild.
”Two qualifying Olympic times is pretty sick.” Ikuya looks at Rin with twisted brows, like he’s really discerning whether Rin is complimenting him genuinely right now or—
”But your fly could use some fine tuning.” Ikuya balks and shoves his palm against Rin’s face, trying to shove him away with an offended noise. “—propel yourself further out of the water dude. Less drag. Faster time. Come on!”
Ikuya spits back, “That’s rich coming from the guy who probably can’t even propel himself off the bed in the morning.” Rin fucking yanks himself back, a scowl spreading across his face.
”Oi, don’t—“ Ikuya interrupts him.
”Your times would probably be better if you focused less on taking it and more—“
Haru steps between them, an annoyingly calm look on his face. He pushes a hand on each of their chests, gently prying them away from one another. Rin grits his teeth, shooting a dirty look at Haru. Who just ignores him. Rin looks around for some backup, seeing Ai and Sousuke and visibly slumping, pulling himself away from Haru’s outstretched arm.
”Such a prick.” He’s pouting. Absolutely one hundred percent pouting. He wanders off to stand back near Ai and Sousuke, kicking at Sousuke’s shin when he gives him that fucking look again.
”Fine. You did good Kirishima. Congrats on fucking proving your point and making it in again. We’re all very proud.”
Ai's only and primary solace is that only Haruka, not Ikuya, knows the truth. Self-consciously before eyes fall on him however, Ai pulls his jacket's zipper all the way up.
They're like cats, he thinks in a deadpan, spittling at each other over nothing. They'd both probably shut up if they had food in front of them.
Ai blinks when Haruka breaks up their spat, unsure how to feel about the debased nature of their... Encouragements, but figuring there was likely an angle here Ai just didn't get yet. Vaguely, it reminds him of when Sousuke and Haruka first met, not that he can exactly place why.
"Kirishima-senpai!" His voice is such a gentle lilt, and a little croaky from all his screaming today, "Fight hard! I'll need you to give me pointers back at the university pool, and I won't be able to take your word on any of it unless you win."
And then he thinks. About impressions, mostly; on all of his seniors, on Haruka. There is just something about him specifically that simultaneously has Ai drawing a very stern boundary around himself, and yet is unintentionally egged on just by being in his presence.
And so it's that smile of his. The type that is too innocent to be anything but. Overly polite, Ai crosses his arms behind his back as he continues toward his college senior,
"There are a number of ways to keep the body limber, you know. It can be good to let off steam sometimes."
The silence that passes through the group was so thick, one could hear a pin drop. What started with Ai's normal dialogue, praising Ikuya for his performance (and putting himself down a little in the process, ugh) turned into something that made Rin's guts twist. But whatever collective response from the group does something to make Rin's heart slam against his ribs.
Sousuke--Sousuke--is fucking snickering into the back of his hand, albeit red faced. And now Rin knows exactly why, and he's never letting him live it down.
Realization dawns on Ikuya. Warping from a burrowed brow and tilted head to his jaw dropping, face bright red and jerking his head away so fast Rin swears he hears his neck snap. "Don't even joke about that!!" Obviously caught off guard from someone he deems so otherwise unthreatening on his team.
But. Maybe Haru is the most priceless of all.
Haru's brow is furrowed, much like Ikuya's. But some semblance of understanding crosses his face, and his eyes widen a hair. A blink and you'll miss it thing. But he looks between all of them, gaze falling on Rin. And that's when his face really gets some color in it. And Rin is caught between blushing at Ai's comment in regards to the night they spent together, Haru obviously giving him a once-over or just the fact that Ai made the comment at fucking all.
And he starts laughing. So hard his chest hurts.
"See. What have I been telling you? Even Ai gets it. Stop being a prude, Kirishima." And that's when their collectively loses it in turn. All at Ikuya's expense, of course. Despite being a two time olympian-destined, he can't escape camaraderie like this. And he's going to be stuck with it in close quarters for the forseeable future.
It was retribution of the highest caliber, and Ai is just grateful Rin stuck the landing instead of getting worked up to the point of fumbling it all. Even Ai himself laughs something of a loud, crass, barked noise when Ikuya scolds him to not even joke about that!!, and the wording is vague enough that now Ai has questions, but maybe he'll save those for over a study period.
"What do you mean even I--?"
The lot of them are laughing now, and Ai's cheeks have come to match theirs in colour. Every bit a man as those present! Sousuke would know best. That may explain why colour is still kissing the very tippy-tops of Sousuke's ears. More than anything else present, disarming Yamazaki Sousuke is what Ai will consider the biggest win here, putting the sight of his heated skin into his memory locket.
Sousuke mutters something under his breath as he pulls his hand down his face, as if he could get his smile to stop. Something to the tune of, you're fucked up.
Ai only looks at Rin, smile even and steadfast and so irritatingly pleased. Payback. Then to Ikuya,
"If you don't hurry up, you'll miss check in." As if he didn't just bowl a strike.
It's so warm and fulfilling, Rin thinks something in him might burst.
Truly, he thought he did something irreparable that night he goaded Ai into fucking him. The subsequent fallout felt like something that could never be glued back together. Rin had been sulking, wishing he wasn't the way he was. And even going a step further, hurting Sousuke in the process. It doesn't feel like near two weeks ago. It feels so much farther out, with the way they're able to laugh like this.
Something swells in Rin, hearing Ai crack jokes like this. Even effecting Sousuke to such a degree. It's an intense accomplishment to nail down, and Ai's medal is gold in that regard. Rin smiles, looking over at Ikuya and Haru. Final event of the day. Men's 200m free. A friendly with Michael fucking Phelps. Rin is currently vibrating out of his skin, grabbing onto Ikuya and Haru's sleeves and dragging them towards check in.
He sees him standing there, in the fucking flesh. Haru and Ikuya both look at Rin and laugh at him acting much like a five year old in a candy shop. He's someone Rin and his dad watched on their old, janky television. His dad showing him exactly how Phelps would cut through the water. Phelps is just a friendly, sure. But there's something so invigorating in the prospect. Ikuya laughs.
"Dude, chill. He can probably feel you staring."
Even that rips a little smirk out of Haru. But Haru is obviously nice, knowing how much Rin has wanted this and doesn't say anything, just puts his hand on Rin's shoulder as they queue up. The first ones, naturally. Because nobody is as eager as Rin is for this. Given Haru and Ikuya and Rin have all already qualified for the team. Rin even admitted this wasn't his strong suit.
Still. He looks back at Ikuya, thinking at least he didn't just finish an intense medley with barely any time to breathe inbetween. He's got an edge on him. He's got this.
Ai knew that for Rin, this was a victory lap more than anything. Watches as he all but scruffs Ikuya and Haruka and disappears out toward check-in, and if Ai stands on his tip-toes, he can see the sun and gold radiating off the American with shoulders a mile wide. Ai didn't have the same kind of idol worship - had reserved that for someone else circa four years ago - but it's still hard not to be in absolute awe. Mentally he's trying to calculate what his total number of wins were when he feels Sousuke close behind his back.
"He'll complain again if we go back up."
Ai simpers, "Gou-san must be so tired." She's had an impetus to cheer for nearly every single one of her friends and her brother's friends!
He walks to the mouth of the poolside entryway, cupping his mouth and yelling loud enough to make sure Phelps can hear even if he can't understand,
"Rin-senpai! The skillful hawk hides his talons! But maybe this time it's okay if you flash them!"
"You can't use an idiom and then completely subvert it."
He hopes somewhere his dad is proud, on whatever godless sphere of earth they're occupying at least. The day has been spent sprinting up and down all those steps, slamming into friends, riding the highs of their wins, of his own. And it's culminated into this. He's had a little time between his heats, thankfully.
He's in lane four. Phelps in lane three. Haru in lane five. Ikuya in lane one. Sandwiched between two of the people who have helped make him into who he is, helped him reach this stage. He stands before the starting block, snapping his goggle strap, and Phelps looks over at him and laughs. It's not malicious, it looks like he's beaming and he tries doing the same thing. Rin's face burns as he steps onto the block.
They all assume position. And the stands quiet. It's tense for the moment before the kick off. Rin's gaze is plastered firmly ahead. He's not letting those flanking either side of him throw him off. He's waited too long for this. He doesn't even need to beat him, just show him what a capable swimmer he can be--
The timing gun sounds off.
And his left calf seizes.
He jerks as he messes up the landing worse than he ever has before. White hot pain slicing up his leg, as he tries to flounder past it. There's already water up his nose from such a sloppy entrance. His teeth are clenching so hard it only intensifies the pain. One stroke. Another. Another.
His body crumples, leg locking up completely as he crashes into the lane line. He can't get the torque or push to propel himself forward. He gasps as the line digs into him, chlorinated water flooding his mouth. And that's when everything tilts. There's only the dull thrum of water moving around him, distant and echoey under the water. The panic is faster than his limbs. All that courses through his mind is this must be what his dad felt.
It's like he cant get a hold of the lane line, scrape his foot on the bottom well enough to push himself up. Kicking attempts just made it worse, and he swallows water again. The surface was right there, but completely unreachable.
His eyes squeeze shut.
But then, there are hands on him. Hauling him up.
The second he breaks the surface, he coughs hard and the burn of chlorine floods his senses. More than anything, the shame burns the most. It's been so quick, the other swimmers hardly know what's going on, focusing on kicking off the wall for their second go. There's murmurs of some spectators, realization beginning to kick in for them. It must have been only seconds, but to Rin it feels like it had been hours.
He doesn't need to see past the blur to know who's hands they are. It's fucking Haru. Cheers begin to shift into a more confused, panicky thing. Poolside staff realize what's transpired and begin to move. But Haru had been quicker, as he skirts across the lane line, and begins to drag Rin back the measly distance he had covered. All where medical staff is holding out arms to pull Rin up, Haru pushing him in turn.
A fucking humiliation. He doesn't need to look to feel the eyes on him, confused swimmers hitting the halfway point. Nevermind. Rin doesn't want to think about it. Because he just fucking tanked in front of someone he's aspired to be like since he was a kid. And he doesn't even want to think how Haru just--
The air around him feels like it's crushing him. There's strangers coming into focus, all surrounding him and prodding at him like he's something worth caring about. And in the noise, he can feel Haru's eyes on him. Rin can't stand it. He fucking sobs, ripping his goggles off his face, and jerkily pushing himself to his feet. He feels someone grabbing for his wrist, Haru, medical staff, someone, but he jerks it away. It feels like it's burning him the same way his throat is on fucking fire.
And so Rin does the thing he's best at.
He panics. He runs.
He doesn't face the music. All he can think of is his sheer stupidity, recklessness and how much of a fucking failure he is.
Sousuke winces when he realizes for once his playful ribbing may have accidentally been prophetic.
Ai watches with a flinch as Rin's dive off the starting block is immediately aborted, and panic sets in when he doesn't see red hair emerge from under the surface for four, five seconds. He's about to run out toward the lay in, do something, but someone is faster.
He isn't at all surprised that Haruka would sacrifice another qualifier to help Rin - Ai would have done the same in a heartbeat. But what kills Ai isn't circumstance, it's the way he can see Rin's face distort with the rapid onset of shame and self-loathing. All at once, the high he'd gotten crashes.
Somehow, Rin takes off running, nearly mowing Ai down in the process. Ai stares on in horror for only a half second before he's hot on Rin's heels.
"Rin-senpai!" he yells, managing to catch up with Rin just outside in the hallway. For being enfeebled, Rin was still incredibly fast - Ai still tries to reach out and grab his arm just to get him to slow down, if he can. "Senpai, please stop! It's no good for you to overextend your leg right now!" It's no good to run away, he thinks, but has been face-to-face with this type of Rin before, and even in his own mild form of panic and worry, Ai knows better than to instigate. He'll choose his battles; first one is making sure Rin doesn't just disappear.
It's not the first time someone has flubbed during a qualifying international tournament. It certainly won't be the last.
Rin already has two qualifications under his belt for the Olympian team. That doesn't matter. What matters is doing the flubbing the way he did, a lane over from someone who means the world to him. Make that two. Three if you want to get technical about the ones in the pool with him. Infinite more in the stands, people back home, in Sydney...
Athletes will always suffer in some form. Whether it's through some scandal in the press, a losing streak, a setback injury. But for some reason, Rin Matsuoka equates it towards his whole career. Like the other things he's accomplished up until now aren't relevant. It's only the one flaw. But he thinks to himself, as he leans against a wall, choking, it's not the only time he's flubbed horrifically. That second year at Samezuka. He remembers the talk Seijuro and him had, when he got booted off the relay. It effected everything else, tore something in his psyche that had been hastily patched together already.
God, he's a fucking joke, isn't he?
He feels fingers tight around his arm, and his first instinct is for every muscle to tense, everything in his body screaming at him to run. It would be so easy to fall back into bad habits. Act the equivocal of the way he did after Ai said Rin hadn't given him something to be mad about.
It would be so easy to lash out, tear and claw until nothing is left behind but the levels of his own misery he's feeling. But he can't, he won't do that. So as gingerly as he is able, he tries to pull at Ai's grasp. He knows the others are surely not far behind, and the last thing he wants is for everyone to see him in such an abysmal state.
He never wants to act like he did to Ai. Not ever again, let alone in front of everyone all over again. Rin bites his lip, a quiver in his voice as he tries to level off his breathing through the rasp and burn of chlorine he coughed up.
"I...sorry." He can't meet Ai's gaze, can't stand to see the worry or disappointment or whatever else is there, flooding his features. He knows his Mom and Gou are probably in a panic, he can hear Haru and Sousuke's voices echoing down the hall. It all suddenly feels so loud. And for a moment, Rin aches for the dulled muffles of the surface underneath.
"I just need... I don't..." Rin doesn't even know what nonsensical babble he's trying to formulate. Just something coherent, something that screams he can be trusted to be alone for a moment. There's no way to measure the amount of gratefulness he feels towards Ai. It's immeasurable. But sometimes, life kicks you so hard that it feels better to sink into the current for a moment or two.
Ai could take a stab at guessing the hoops Rin's mind is jumping through. Pressure and expectation. Experience and fear. Shame and necessity. Ai knew better than to overextend and interject; he did trust Rin. Trusted him not to do something rash or make a mistake that could undo the tangible, real progress he's made in all his other qualifying heats today. Trusts that Rin maybe just needed time to cool off.
But there are two people Ai does not trust, not fully. One is responsible for having pulled Rin out of the water. The other is currently staring at Rin with sky blue eyes lined with a worry, turning inward, examining the sudden pit of self-loathing that wells in his gut.
A time like this, and you're worried about that? Get over yourself.
Ai rescinds his hand. Steps forward, presses a reassuring flat palm to the top of Rin's back, just for a moment, as if to make his presence known before daring to step into Rin's peripheral vision, trying to get Rin to catch his eye. Ai thinks if Rin can just conjure the courage to see the face of at least one person who has his back, he might be amenable to help, or at least figuring himself out in a non-volatile manner.
"I could walk you to the car," he offers. And figures Sousuke would have no problem with that, either. It was still on premises and they parked pretty close; it would at least grant Rin the privacy to work his shit out without cameras or reporters or fretting friends surrounding him. It just meant he'd have to be willing to walk over there. Because even if he doesn't want or feel he needs or even deserves Ai's help, it is in Ai's nature to try. He has to.
Ai's sentiments are appreciated, giving Rin a sanctuary away from the prying eyes of people surrounding him. But Rin also knows his family is probably desperately scrawling to hear from him, or check in on him. Frantically, given their history with water swallowing over someone's head--
He startles himself out of the thought, trying to rip himself free of the panic and shame swelling in every core. It's a little late to escape completely undetected. Sousuke and Haru are there, panting, and Ikuya isn't far behind. Rin's eyes widen. There's no way in this lifetime or the next either would participate in any sort of scrutiny towards him for such a human mistake or slip up. His skin quivers underneath Ai's ministration, concerned gazes falling onto it.
Rin's never noticed before now how all the most important people to him... all come in various shades of blue. Their eyes at least. The intensity of their cores, and the windows to their souls. It brings back that lump in his throat, as he stares at the floor, unsure of how to proceed.
Haru breaks the silence first, stepping forward, unsure of how to proceed. But he has Rin's jacket in his arms, pushing it towards Rin. Haru is the master of not liking eye-contact, and so he spares Rin any further from him. Maybe Haru's hand drags down Rin's arm a little too slowly, which just makes him shiver more. But...
"Your phones in your pocket." Is all Haru says, before he steps back. Something in Rin swells with gratitude. He can't face his Mom and sister. Not right now. Not anybody, even this group is hard. Sousuke gives Haru a look, once Rin can't quite discern through his ebbing adrenaline and panic. Sousuke sighs, fishing around in his pockets. He's intuitive, and knows all he needs to. He grabs his car keys and hands them to Ai, looking over Rin's momentary caretaker with an equally level look.
It wasn't Ai's intent to corral or interject more than necessary. Not after last time - and selfishly, not with Haruka present. Personal feelings aside (a monumental task in and of itself, but wanting to make sure Rin is alright often seems to supersede these kinds of things), Ai feels emboldened at seeing so many people ready to rally behind him.
Would things have gone differently if he had pushed Rin to seek them out earlier? It had been his gut intuition, after all. He has spent years watching the way Rin brightens when in the company of the people he loves most. But fear of overstepping kept him from suggesting or pushing- and look how that ended up. Useless. A refrain Ai fears will only silence when he's put to rest.
More than any of that, though. He can understand Sousuke isn't chiding him. More begging for Ai to take care of himself, too. Ai isn't sure which part of it makes him feel worse.
"Come on, let's go," Ai encourages, voice quieter for Rin's sake. He puts Sousuke's keys in his pocket carefully. "Can you walk?" A dumb question after watching Rin sprint from the center of the natatorium, but not a single person among them isn't acutely familiar with what a cramp like that does to a person, and Ai also knows adrenaline is a bitch. He's willing to reckon that on top of the turmoil, throbbing physical pain isn't currently helping Rin's situation, either. While Ai knows it's good to introduce elasticity back into the muscle, he doesn't want Rin to overdo it, and doesn't think there's shame in needing to lean on someone, even just for a minute.
"I'm fine." Rin insists, already pushing himself from the emotional ties threatening to keep him in place. It would be easy to rely on the people surrounding him, but. He just doesn't have it in him, and he knows at least one of them is going to go to the car with him. It might as well be Ai, since they all seem to have resigned to that.
He stares stiffly ahead, barely shifting his gaze from the floor. There's a certain resignation, as he winces from time to time. Of being a monumental fuck up. It's easy to tell others to not dip into a similar mindset, encourage the hell out of them with everything in him.
But hypocrisy is an evil thing.
There's a time or two where he stumbles, trying to lean on Ai for support. But mostly, he stubbornly sticks to his own motions, despite the pain coursing through him. It was his own fault. There's nobody to blame. All that overextending, all the slacking in self care of physique. He won't make the mistake again, and can only hope those around him forget it quicker than he'll ever be able to.
It's a quiet journey to the garage, thankfully not terribly far. Rin hasn't said a word. He leans against a pillar for a moment, as he tries to get his bearings. E5... it's somewhere, he just can't remember where through the noise. He pulls his phone out of his jacket, frowning at the flood of notifications on his screen. He sees something about Ikuya qualifying for the 200m run, but doesn't look past that as he shoves it back into the fabric, looking over at Ai.
He can feel the stress, shame, guilt, frustration, pain all radiating off Rin in waves. Every hobbled step forward. A part of Ai is aware of how unnecessary it is for Rin to insist to walk on his own; it'd be safer and more efficient for him to simply accept the help they both know he needs right now. Could have said the same back on the pool room floor.
But Ai also knows Rin, and knows there is no contesting him when he's in this mindset. It's all he can do to be present to catch him if he falls - literally this time around - rather than try to pry Rin's mind away from the path it's set on.
The two times Rin's weight comes upon him, Ai steadies him momentarily with a hand at his lower back. Doesn't hold him there and waits for Rin to inevitably right himself; a silent trust that Rin could handle it, even if he shouldn't handle it. But an ever-present reminder that Ai was going to spot him regardless.
He slows to a stop when Rin does too, and before Rin can even ask, Ai is looking at the ground markers. He remembered their spot, and can remember it in relation to the front entrance--
He points, "Right there. In black." Four cars up. Ai trots ahead of Rin but not too far, within a close enough range that if Rin stumbled again Ai could help him back up. But Ai is first to Sousuke's car, using the button on the keys to unlock its latch; Ai uses the gap in their speed and the time it grants him to open the back door, push the front passenger seat forward, and make room for Rin to lounge back there. Ai pokes his head out of the car,
"It's better if you keep it elevated for now so you can massage the knot out." Implying Rin should sit in such a way that his back is to the window and his leg is over the back seats. He steps back, giving Rin the room to crawl in however he wishes.
And then Ai hesitates.
He knows Rin wants space, and wouldn't be shy about making it known. But Ai also wants Rin to understand Ai's support is in perpetuity. It'd feel rude to just leave him, even if that is exactly what Rin probably wants. Then, an idea sets on him like a perfect compromise.
"Do you want a water, senpai? A drink? I can go to the vending machines and bring something back." Gives Rin privacy. Gets Ai away for a little bit, but enables him to be helpful. He smiles lopsidedly, knowing Rin isn't in the mood for levity but also knowing it has a tendency to cut through the shit sometimes, "Emotions have been high today, you probably need to hydrate."
He slides into the backseat, nodding at Ai in thanks as he does so. It takes a minute. Sousuke's car is at least a little bigger than some of the other commuter cars out there. all to accommodate those legs and shoulders no doubt.
So Rin tries to prop himself up in the most comfortable way, wincing a little as he puts his leg up best he can. It sucks, truth be told. But he knows Ai is right and wishes he had been a little more considerate of his body before what was arguably the biggest race of his life. Something in him sinks again, knowing Haru probably got booted out of qualifying, and there's no way in hell Rin is touching that event with a twenty foot pole as long as he lives.
He sighs, zipping up his jacket, and pulling out his phone again before looking back at Ai. He's grateful for the kindness, as exhaustion prickles in every inch of him. But there's some sort of inkling in the back of his head... the one that just screams at everything around him. Rin wants to be alone, but.
He reaches out to squeeze Ai's wrist, before yanking his hand back awkwardly. His fingers curl at the back of his own neck, and he looks away awkwardly. "...sorry." It's one of those moods apparently. Rin shifts a little in the backseat as he tries to get comfortable. "Is it cool? If I touch you still? I don't want you thinking I'm like...leading you on or something." Because Rin realizes how touchy he's been all day and flirty and everything he normally is with everyone today.
And he doesn't want to give people the wrong impression. And he doesn't want to be a jackass. Ai told him flatout to treat him the same. So Rin is trying. It felt easier today, amongst all their friends--teammates now. But in the parking garage, it feels a little stranger. Rin's nails dig into the back of his neck.
"Yeah, just some water. Sorry. Thanks again though."
It's a deluge of complicated emotions to filter through. Ai can only be grateful Rin decided to try and toe the line after Ai finished his one and only heat; had this come earlier in the day, his focus absolutely would have been thrown off.
There's a gentle, appreciative, familiar simper upon his lips when Rin initially reaches out to him, and Ai ducks his head to look into the car to look at Rin properly, interpreting that as a gesture for wait a minute. That wasn't the complicated part. It's what comes out of Rin's mouth next that is so raw in its essence, Ai wishes he could just take it at face value.
It's true, he asked outright for nothing to change. The difference is that now, everything has changed. And before he'd opened his stupid mouth, there was no leading on. No sense of finite rejection; he could keep it all well-contained in a neat little glass cage, equal parts transparent and yet inaccessible to the public. Now it's loaded. Now it hurts. And yet he is only human, and is selfish, and asked something of Rin before he could really understood what that meant, and.
Ai shakes his head, once, and tries very hard to keep his countenance composed. "It's alright, I wouldn't think that." I don't need you to tell me how you feel. His spine straightens just a little, "My only worry would be your friends." Well. One of them. If Ai has to feel those deep blue eyes roving over him one more time, he might genuinely just fork the key over to Rin and hop on the next plane back to Australia with his uncle.
Ahh. It can't be helped.
He leans his body into the car, foot leveraged on the edge of the doorway. Leans over Rin, and. Hesitates. As if he'd just been about to do something, but the moment he got too close, the wind was knocked out of his sails. And so instead Ai swallows, measuring Rin's expression sincerely. And then, as if having suddenly decided on something else, exhales.
"Don't overthink it. You'll just hurt your head." He's pulling out of the car and bounding toward the venue entrance, absolutely using Rin's current injury to his advantage so he didn't have to hear a retort-- but then comes back momentarily to dip his head back in, "I'll be right back!", before taking off again and heading inside.
He wants to reach back out, grab Ai's wrist and retort what do you mean by my friends? Even if there's that faintest inkling, Rin needs some sort of confirmation.
Except Ai quickly closes that distance. To the point where Rin is shrinking back against the seat. There's. Something. Crossing over his features before he retreats just as quickly. Like it never happened at all. Rin blinks after him, but before he can muster up the words for anything, Ai is gone.
And Rin is left alone with his thoughts again.
In all fairness, it's what he had pressed for. Solitude, and Ai was graciously allowing for that to happen. The tears slowly began to stream over and he laughs to himself. The migraine isn't going to be good tonight. But maybe he can relish in the smaller things. That most of them today were happy at least.
But it's harder to stray away from the other intrusives. The ones that knock over his prior accomplishments today. You have two olympic qualifying times, what the fuck is your problem? Another voice worms out and chides But it could have been three. And you tanked in front of your idol. Got your best friend pulled out too. Rin tangles his fingers through his hair, yanking the locks.
It does two things. A little pain to alleviate the pressure and ground him. Equally, it is a little sting that he is in control of. Something he has control over. A shuddering breath follows, as he wipes his face with the back of his hand. Breathe, breathe. He tries. Fails, for the most part. But the effort is at least worth something, right?
Through the sting in his eyes, he pulls his phone out again, immediately texting his family that he's okay. And before he can even send off a second text, his Mom is gently telling him exactly what he knows. Your dad would be so proud. Don't worry about the last one. And Rin chokes back another sob.
How do people make it so easy?
He tries desperately to compose himself, going through his other messages. It's mostly "congrats" or "are you okay???"s to which he just tries to respond to the concern from others. He knows he would feel like shit if he was in their shoes; no updates on friends who tanked. Haru's sticks out, and it does something to him. Something he doesn't know what to do with.
i think we need to talk
Rin closes out of it as quick as he opened it, focusing on answering Ikuya's lightly teasing text instead before shoving his phone back in his jacket.
He sucks in another shuddering breath, holding his arms above his head to allow his lungs to fully expand. It's awkward in the car, but he manages. His fingers drag along the roof, trying to focus on the gently upholstered interior. It feels almost fuzzy beneath his fingertips. He closes his eyes, tries breathing again. Tries to forget that look that crossed Ai's face, thinking he just fucked something else up too.
It dawns on Ai as he walks with mild alacrity toward where he thinks he saw a vending machine area earlier. That even the complicated things had been easier just two weeks ago.
Wouldn't have thought twice about supporting Rin in absolutely any way it'd take. Whether it was reeling him in, giving him a reality check, a confidence boost, a confidant - there was no wall too high to climb in that pursuit. Ai didn't feel threatened. He felt small, but still held within himself a sense of being present despite that. And yet here he is, wondering if some time is too much time away, or if walking Rin to the car had been a good idea at all.
Worried about consequences.
A phenomenon tenacious, stubborn, enduring Aiichirou had never worried about before. He approaches the vending machine and doesn't press a button right away; instead he puts his head to the cool plastic, as if this could somehow help him to untangle his thoughts. Worry for Rin, shame at his selfishness, undue anxiety about other things. In the back of his head, he's aware he should text Sousuke.
He presses the button for water, pays with his phone (and marvels at how Tokyo's IC readers seem so much more advanced than what they had back at Samezuka), and heads back toward the car. All told, Ai is gone for roughly seven, maybe ten minutes.
He stalls at the entrance to the parking lot, and rises to his tip-toes as if he could try and scout out Rin's mood from this purview. Unfortunately, Sousuke's car is too buried in the row for Ai to be able to peek into the glass from here, and so he resolves to potentially being mildly inconvenient. He approaches the side door, giving it a knock to let his presence be known before opening the door gently, and leaning down to peek inside at Rin. Isn't surprised to see the state he's in; Ai meets him with a kind and gentle smile, one he's extremely used to wearing, those pulleys able to shuffle through the stage curtains faster than most.
"When they write your biopic, senpai, the director is going to give this an incredible music score." Yes, he's teasing a little. Yes he knows it might draw heat, but he's gambling on it cutting through the shit too. Rin's tense, Ai's a little tense, Ai knows Rin can sense he's tense-- Ai just wants to do away with all of it. He reaches in to hand Rin his watter bottle, "I think I saw the guys out in the hall." It's an open floor. Do you want to go to them? Do you want me to go to them? Should I relay a message?
One, Rin nearly jumps when Ai comes back to the car, awkwardly pressing his palm flat against the roof while his fingers claw against it.
"Shit, sorry." Maybe he had been able to slip into a more relaxed state too easily. No harm done though, as he nods a silent appreciation and takes the offered water bottle. Two, he snorts because Ai is proving more and more he can actually be funny. Even if he is just trying to cut through all the awkward Rin mudded up between them. He chuckles though, rolling his eyes in response as he takes a sip from the bottle.
"They better spin me almost drowning into some allegory for being gay for Phelps in the lane next to me."
That silence drips down a little, as Rin just focuses on his breathing, drinking water, trying to empty his head for a little bit. But Ai opens the floor, and it makes Rin pause with the bottle against his mouth. What's the best course of action? Crying and wallowing sounds fantastic, but he wouldn't let any of them pull that stunt. So like hell any of them are going to stand by and let it happen either. Rin sighs, pulling the water from his mouth.
"Can't run away from the 'you didn't bother stretching, idiot's for much longer." He pulls his phone out, texting Ikuya that he's good for them to come over. Because he doesn't want to look at Haru's text right now, and he doesn't want to open Sousuke's either because he's already going to get the lecture. Might as well spare himself a few moments longer.
He puts his phone back in his pocket, thumbing the label on the bottle. "Well. Besides that massive fuck up... not too shabby I guess." Rin laughs softly. "Congrats, dude. You worked hard." We all did.
Ai can't help it, he laughs and then bites his lip to abort the sound when Rin jumps in the car like that, having had a perfect outlook for it in his line of sight.
Chuckles again at Rin's joke, and dutifully ignores the voice in his head that has a quip to say about the other lane too, and punches low because he knows it works with Rin, "They didn't need you drowning to spin that." Ai's then looking up and to the side, as if contemplating, "I half-thought about seeking him out, but worried if I brought him over, you might kill me."
Leaning in the entrance of the car door isn't the most comfortable, so Ai is instead leaning against the shell of the car outside. Door still open, so he can hear Rin and Rin can hear him clearly; Ai's just continuing to grant him his privacy. And maybe, subconsciously, neglecting Rin the chance of reading Ai's expressions. Not that it does him any good, besides; every time Rin talks, Ai is leaning down to look into the car. Finds it hard to address him without making that connection, even if it's to his detriment.
"I should have said something," he murmurs gently. "While we were in the warm-up room." Ai had been the one who offered to help him stretch, after all. Instead, Ai got caught up in that small moment of revelry and kidding around. Lost focus. Paid too much priority to something that ultimately won't make a difference. It isn't his fault, he knows it doesn't help to dwell on what ifs, but. Still can't help the way his brain spins; he and Rin have this in common.
Ai can hear quite a few footfalls shuffling in the hallway of the entrance toward the parking lot, and starts to see Rin's group turning the corner. One last time, Ai pokes his head in. His expression is almost nostalgic in the way there is nothing but a pure, ardent adoration creasing his eyes. A welled feeling that no amount of baggage or happenstance can ever dull.
"You were incredible today, Rin-senpai. Even now, it makes my chest burn up."
Ai shifts further down the car, away from the open door, as Ikuya and Haruka follow behind Sousuke in their approach.
Rin is just as quick to blurt out. "Don't you dare." Maybe there is a little heat behind it, but he wants to drive the message home. His fingers tighten around the bottle, a little squeak rising from the warping plastic.
"It's not your fault." He tacks on quickly, muttering as he tilts his gaze towards the back of the seat. He doesn't want any shifted blame, because some of those moments were the best. Seeing Ikuya balk, Ai loosen up, even Sousuke and Haru, stoic as they can be, stifle back laughter? It was worth it. Those are the things that matter right? Rin remembers that fight he had with Haru in the locker room.
"You think I do this for good times? To show off?" "I swim for my friends." And in that moment, as Haru stalked off, Rin sure hadn't felt like much of a friend. That's what swimming is about, right?
"I wouldn't trade the moments I have with you guys for anything..." Rin admits, rubbing the back of his neck. The moment is broken though, as the other three make their way to the car. Rin grabs the oh shit handle, as Sousuke so politely labels it, and leans out of the car a bit, grimacing at the three.
"You see this ass parking job? What kind of guy parks on the lines like that?" To Rin's surprise, he hears Haru.
"Probably the same kind who can't swim straight." Rin can hear Ikuya trying not to laugh. Hell, he's trying not to too. But he loses that fight and sputters out some semblance of one.
"Alright. 1:0 Nanase. You got me good." Rin says quietly.
I wouldn't trade the moments I have with you guys for anything. It's simple, but it's potent. Ai takes that sentence and holds it close to his chest and scribes it into hard memory in his mental locket. Something for later, when he knows things will get difficult again.
"I wouldn't either."
Haruka wastes no time in meeting Rin half-way, Ikuya close behind; Ai looks to Sousuke, silently passing the keys back to him. Sousuke gives him something of a loaded look, but when Ai doesn't return it, decides to drop it.
Sousuke pockets his keys and just barely peeks inside the car to Rin from over Haruka's shoulder.
"You didn't bitch about my parking on the way here." Sousuke smiles, taunt wrought into the upticked skin. He's just glad to see Rin's not stuck in his head.
"You could have probably centered it better if someone wasn't hanging half-way out the door." It's light. It's good. It's digestible. No doubt, Rin needs the communal uplifting right now, and Ai's happy to oblige.
"I swear to christ if you start with the dog jokes--" But Ikuya beats him to it.
"No way. You're prickly like a cat."
There's the familiarity. Rin sullied it, at least temporarily with his tantrum. Not that anyone here but him would blame him, of course. They're all snickering. Sure it's at Rin's disposal, but after they all ganged up on Ikuya earlier and with how Rin was bawling ten minutes ago, it's all fine.
Halfway hanging out the car, keeping himself pulled up with the handle is also helping all the tension melt away. Sousuke takes a step back, looking around the parking garage. It's quiet for a minute, the chuckles tapering and dissipating. He starts shifting in the backseat, so he's not hanging out the door anymore, but Haru knees down in front of the open door, arms folding on the seat. He's just looking at Rin, his chin resting on his arms. Rin swallows at the intensity of those eyes on him. But suddenly there's a hand squeezing over his own. It's Ikuya.
"I'm gonna get going, before Hiyori has an aneurysm." Rin blinks, but squeezes Ikuya's hand back, smiling.
"Good job today, man. Looking forward to being on the same team." Ikuya blinks, lie that's the most genuine thing Rin's ever said to him. He scoffs, a little color on his face as he waves and walks away. Haru's still kneeling in front of the backseat. Rin just sighs, scratching the back of his head.
"Can I help you? I'm not looking for a proposal, thanks--" Haru shrugs.
"Just looking." It's soft. Rin nearly jerks backwards, but he sees Sousuke step away from the car and tap Ai on the shoulder, pointing the other way.
"I need some help finding the bathroom. Come with me?" And Sousuke tosses the keys at Rin before he starts walking away. "Just remember that's a new car."
And Rin nearly spits in response, Haru remaining as stoic as ever.
The moment Haruka crowded toward the door of the car and leaned in, Ai kind of had a feeling anyway. Suddenly feeling as if he's privy to a scene he shouldn't be watching, he turned his cheek, the entrance to the natatorium suddenly the most interesting thing on planet earth.
He would have made up some arbitrary excuse to get the hell out of here himself, but Sousuke beats him to the punch. Ignores the knot in his gut and chooses instead to rely on the tenets he knows to be immovable comforts. Sousuke's intuition, for one.
"I'm surprised you made it back out here without getting turned around," he chimes, already walking back toward the building. And the moment they're out of earshot, with only Sousuke's eyes on him, Ai lets his expression fall. Can't help but look back at the car just one more time before stepping inside.
He says nothing. Just ruffles up his hair, takes a steeled breath, and swallows it all down. "Kirishima-senpai is more animated than I expected." It is absolutely not what is on either of their minds, but it is as if the obvious elephant in the room would threaten rampage if Ai deigned to touch it.
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no subject
Date: 2025-07-31 12:32 am (UTC)Idiot dumb traitorous thing that he is, instinctively and subconsciously, his eyes look to Rin. Realizing the neurons that have just fired, Ai's face heats up even worse, and rather than dignify the thoughts in his head with words of admonishment, he simply yanks his head away and claps.
"Even if it isn't his race, Nagisa-kun finds a way to win."
Sousuke isn't the only one rising to get ready for the IM; Ai had a surprising amount on his mind for this one. Chose not to engage this year, as having swam beside Ikuya for two full semesters has taught Ai he is nowhere near competition level yet with his IM times. He favoured endurance where he could, and knew he actually had some amount of instinct for it, but had come to this realization too late in the year to justify training for it. Ikuya's given him some pointers, and Sousuke was there frequently to coach him on his free and his butterfly; it's a goal for next year. For now, it's all he can do to give his support to Ikuya as loudly as possible, and take in the sights eager-eyed.
Rin's declaration has Ai whipping his head, looking to Rin almost skeptically before deflating and saying quietly, though still within Sousuke's earshot, "He's just going to say something crass...!"
"And you think you'd stop him?"
"I'd have better luck diving into the pool from here."
Ai bounds out from the bleachers, not necessarily intent on being there right as Rin is, but Ai wants to give his support to Ikuya directly too, and knows he has two, maybe three minutes to do it.
mobile is ass so I’m sorry for the ass reply
Date: 2025-07-31 01:01 am (UTC)”Two qualifying Olympic times is pretty sick.” Ikuya looks at Rin with twisted brows, like he’s really discerning whether Rin is complimenting him genuinely right now or—
”But your fly could use some fine tuning.” Ikuya balks and shoves his palm against Rin’s face, trying to shove him away with an offended noise. “—propel yourself further out of the water dude. Less drag. Faster time. Come on!”
Ikuya spits back, “That’s rich coming from the guy who probably can’t even propel himself off the bed in the morning.” Rin fucking yanks himself back, a scowl spreading across his face.
”Oi, don’t—“ Ikuya interrupts him.
”Your times would probably be better if you focused less on taking it and more—“
Haru steps between them, an annoyingly calm look on his face. He pushes a hand on each of their chests, gently prying them away from one another. Rin grits his teeth, shooting a dirty look at Haru. Who just ignores him. Rin looks around for some backup, seeing Ai and Sousuke and visibly slumping, pulling himself away from Haru’s outstretched arm.
”Such a prick.” He’s pouting. Absolutely one hundred percent pouting. He wanders off to stand back near Ai and Sousuke, kicking at Sousuke’s shin when he gives him that fucking look again.
”Fine. You did good Kirishima. Congrats on fucking proving your point and making it in again. We’re all very proud.”
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Date: 2025-07-31 01:14 am (UTC)They're like cats, he thinks in a deadpan, spittling at each other over nothing. They'd both probably shut up if they had food in front of them.
Ai blinks when Haruka breaks up their spat, unsure how to feel about the debased nature of their... Encouragements, but figuring there was likely an angle here Ai just didn't get yet. Vaguely, it reminds him of when Sousuke and Haruka first met, not that he can exactly place why.
"Kirishima-senpai!" His voice is such a gentle lilt, and a little croaky from all his screaming today, "Fight hard! I'll need you to give me pointers back at the university pool, and I won't be able to take your word on any of it unless you win."
And then he thinks. About impressions, mostly; on all of his seniors, on Haruka. There is just something about him specifically that simultaneously has Ai drawing a very stern boundary around himself, and yet is unintentionally egged on just by being in his presence.
And so it's that smile of his. The type that is too innocent to be anything but. Overly polite, Ai crosses his arms behind his back as he continues toward his college senior,
"There are a number of ways to keep the body limber, you know. It can be good to let off steam sometimes."
no subject
Date: 2025-07-31 02:23 am (UTC)The silence that passes through the group was so thick, one could hear a pin drop. What started with Ai's normal dialogue, praising Ikuya for his performance (and putting himself down a little in the process, ugh) turned into something that made Rin's guts twist. But whatever collective response from the group does something to make Rin's heart slam against his ribs.
Sousuke--Sousuke--is fucking snickering into the back of his hand, albeit red faced. And now Rin knows exactly why, and he's never letting him live it down.
Realization dawns on Ikuya. Warping from a burrowed brow and tilted head to his jaw dropping, face bright red and jerking his head away so fast Rin swears he hears his neck snap. "Don't even joke about that!!" Obviously caught off guard from someone he deems so otherwise unthreatening on his team.
But. Maybe Haru is the most priceless of all.
Haru's brow is furrowed, much like Ikuya's. But some semblance of understanding crosses his face, and his eyes widen a hair. A blink and you'll miss it thing. But he looks between all of them, gaze falling on Rin. And that's when his face really gets some color in it. And Rin is caught between blushing at Ai's comment in regards to the night they spent together, Haru obviously giving him a once-over or just the fact that Ai made the comment at fucking all.
And he starts laughing. So hard his chest hurts.
"See. What have I been telling you? Even Ai gets it. Stop being a prude, Kirishima." And that's when their collectively loses it in turn. All at Ikuya's expense, of course. Despite being a two time olympian-destined, he can't escape camaraderie like this. And he's going to be stuck with it in close quarters for the forseeable future.
no subject
Date: 2025-07-31 02:37 am (UTC)"What do you mean even I--?"
The lot of them are laughing now, and Ai's cheeks have come to match theirs in colour. Every bit a man as those present! Sousuke would know best. That may explain why colour is still kissing the very tippy-tops of Sousuke's ears. More than anything else present, disarming Yamazaki Sousuke is what Ai will consider the biggest win here, putting the sight of his heated skin into his memory locket.
Sousuke mutters something under his breath as he pulls his hand down his face, as if he could get his smile to stop. Something to the tune of, you're fucked up.
Ai only looks at Rin, smile even and steadfast and so irritatingly pleased. Payback. Then to Ikuya,
"If you don't hurry up, you'll miss check in." As if he didn't just bowl a strike.
no subject
Date: 2025-07-31 02:54 am (UTC)Truly, he thought he did something irreparable that night he goaded Ai into fucking him. The subsequent fallout felt like something that could never be glued back together. Rin had been sulking, wishing he wasn't the way he was. And even going a step further, hurting Sousuke in the process. It doesn't feel like near two weeks ago. It feels so much farther out, with the way they're able to laugh like this.
Something swells in Rin, hearing Ai crack jokes like this. Even effecting Sousuke to such a degree. It's an intense accomplishment to nail down, and Ai's medal is gold in that regard. Rin smiles, looking over at Ikuya and Haru. Final event of the day. Men's 200m free. A friendly with Michael fucking Phelps. Rin is currently vibrating out of his skin, grabbing onto Ikuya and Haru's sleeves and dragging them towards check in.
He sees him standing there, in the fucking flesh. Haru and Ikuya both look at Rin and laugh at him acting much like a five year old in a candy shop. He's someone Rin and his dad watched on their old, janky television. His dad showing him exactly how Phelps would cut through the water. Phelps is just a friendly, sure. But there's something so invigorating in the prospect. Ikuya laughs.
"Dude, chill. He can probably feel you staring."
Even that rips a little smirk out of Haru. But Haru is obviously nice, knowing how much Rin has wanted this and doesn't say anything, just puts his hand on Rin's shoulder as they queue up. The first ones, naturally. Because nobody is as eager as Rin is for this. Given Haru and Ikuya and Rin have all already qualified for the team. Rin even admitted this wasn't his strong suit.
Still. He looks back at Ikuya, thinking at least he didn't just finish an intense medley with barely any time to breathe inbetween. He's got an edge on him. He's got this.
no subject
Date: 2025-07-31 03:13 am (UTC)"He'll complain again if we go back up."
Ai simpers, "Gou-san must be so tired." She's had an impetus to cheer for nearly every single one of her friends and her brother's friends!
He walks to the mouth of the poolside entryway, cupping his mouth and yelling loud enough to make sure Phelps can hear even if he can't understand,
"Rin-senpai! The skillful hawk hides his talons! But maybe this time it's okay if you flash them!"
"You can't use an idiom and then completely subvert it."
"You say something nicer, then."
Sousuke rubs his neck.
"Don't eat shit!"
no subject
Date: 2025-07-31 03:45 am (UTC)He hopes somewhere his dad is proud, on whatever godless sphere of earth they're occupying at least. The day has been spent sprinting up and down all those steps, slamming into friends, riding the highs of their wins, of his own. And it's culminated into this. He's had a little time between his heats, thankfully.
He's in lane four. Phelps in lane three. Haru in lane five. Ikuya in lane one. Sandwiched between two of the people who have helped make him into who he is, helped him reach this stage. He stands before the starting block, snapping his goggle strap, and Phelps looks over at him and laughs. It's not malicious, it looks like he's beaming and he tries doing the same thing. Rin's face burns as he steps onto the block.
They all assume position. And the stands quiet. It's tense for the moment before the kick off. Rin's gaze is plastered firmly ahead. He's not letting those flanking either side of him throw him off. He's waited too long for this. He doesn't even need to beat him, just show him what a capable swimmer he can be--
The timing gun sounds off.
And his left calf seizes.
He jerks as he messes up the landing worse than he ever has before. White hot pain slicing up his leg, as he tries to flounder past it. There's already water up his nose from such a sloppy entrance. His teeth are clenching so hard it only intensifies the pain. One stroke. Another. Another.
His body crumples, leg locking up completely as he crashes into the lane line. He can't get the torque or push to propel himself forward. He gasps as the line digs into him, chlorinated water flooding his mouth. And that's when everything tilts. There's only the dull thrum of water moving around him, distant and echoey under the water. The panic is faster than his limbs. All that courses through his mind is this must be what his dad felt.
It's like he cant get a hold of the lane line, scrape his foot on the bottom well enough to push himself up. Kicking attempts just made it worse, and he swallows water again. The surface was right there, but completely unreachable.
His eyes squeeze shut.
But then, there are hands on him. Hauling him up.
The second he breaks the surface, he coughs hard and the burn of chlorine floods his senses. More than anything, the shame burns the most. It's been so quick, the other swimmers hardly know what's going on, focusing on kicking off the wall for their second go. There's murmurs of some spectators, realization beginning to kick in for them. It must have been only seconds, but to Rin it feels like it had been hours.
He doesn't need to see past the blur to know who's hands they are. It's fucking Haru. Cheers begin to shift into a more confused, panicky thing. Poolside staff realize what's transpired and begin to move. But Haru had been quicker, as he skirts across the lane line, and begins to drag Rin back the measly distance he had covered. All where medical staff is holding out arms to pull Rin up, Haru pushing him in turn.
A fucking humiliation. He doesn't need to look to feel the eyes on him, confused swimmers hitting the halfway point. Nevermind. Rin doesn't want to think about it. Because he just fucking tanked in front of someone he's aspired to be like since he was a kid. And he doesn't even want to think how Haru just--
The air around him feels like it's crushing him. There's strangers coming into focus, all surrounding him and prodding at him like he's something worth caring about. And in the noise, he can feel Haru's eyes on him. Rin can't stand it. He fucking sobs, ripping his goggles off his face, and jerkily pushing himself to his feet. He feels someone grabbing for his wrist, Haru, medical staff, someone, but he jerks it away. It feels like it's burning him the same way his throat is on fucking fire.
And so Rin does the thing he's best at.
He panics. He runs.
He doesn't face the music. All he can think of is his sheer stupidity, recklessness and how much of a fucking failure he is.
no subject
Date: 2025-07-31 03:58 am (UTC)Ai watches with a flinch as Rin's dive off the starting block is immediately aborted, and panic sets in when he doesn't see red hair emerge from under the surface for four, five seconds. He's about to run out toward the lay in, do something, but someone is faster.
He isn't at all surprised that Haruka would sacrifice another qualifier to help Rin - Ai would have done the same in a heartbeat. But what kills Ai isn't circumstance, it's the way he can see Rin's face distort with the rapid onset of shame and self-loathing. All at once, the high he'd gotten crashes.
Somehow, Rin takes off running, nearly mowing Ai down in the process. Ai stares on in horror for only a half second before he's hot on Rin's heels.
"Rin-senpai!" he yells, managing to catch up with Rin just outside in the hallway. For being enfeebled, Rin was still incredibly fast - Ai still tries to reach out and grab his arm just to get him to slow down, if he can. "Senpai, please stop! It's no good for you to overextend your leg right now!" It's no good to run away, he thinks, but has been face-to-face with this type of Rin before, and even in his own mild form of panic and worry, Ai knows better than to instigate. He'll choose his battles; first one is making sure Rin doesn't just disappear.
no subject
Date: 2025-07-31 04:22 am (UTC)Rin already has two qualifications under his belt for the Olympian team. That doesn't matter. What matters is doing the flubbing the way he did, a lane over from someone who means the world to him. Make that two. Three if you want to get technical about the ones in the pool with him. Infinite more in the stands, people back home, in Sydney...
Athletes will always suffer in some form. Whether it's through some scandal in the press, a losing streak, a setback injury. But for some reason, Rin Matsuoka equates it towards his whole career. Like the other things he's accomplished up until now aren't relevant. It's only the one flaw. But he thinks to himself, as he leans against a wall, choking, it's not the only time he's flubbed horrifically. That second year at Samezuka. He remembers the talk Seijuro and him had, when he got booted off the relay. It effected everything else, tore something in his psyche that had been hastily patched together already.
God, he's a fucking joke, isn't he?
He feels fingers tight around his arm, and his first instinct is for every muscle to tense, everything in his body screaming at him to run. It would be so easy to fall back into bad habits. Act the equivocal of the way he did after Ai said Rin hadn't given him something to be mad about.
It would be so easy to lash out, tear and claw until nothing is left behind but the levels of his own misery he's feeling. But he can't, he won't do that. So as gingerly as he is able, he tries to pull at Ai's grasp. He knows the others are surely not far behind, and the last thing he wants is for everyone to see him in such an abysmal state.
He never wants to act like he did to Ai. Not ever again, let alone in front of everyone all over again. Rin bites his lip, a quiver in his voice as he tries to level off his breathing through the rasp and burn of chlorine he coughed up.
"I...sorry." He can't meet Ai's gaze, can't stand to see the worry or disappointment or whatever else is there, flooding his features. He knows his Mom and Gou are probably in a panic, he can hear Haru and Sousuke's voices echoing down the hall. It all suddenly feels so loud. And for a moment, Rin aches for the dulled muffles of the surface underneath.
"I just need... I don't..." Rin doesn't even know what nonsensical babble he's trying to formulate. Just something coherent, something that screams he can be trusted to be alone for a moment. There's no way to measure the amount of gratefulness he feels towards Ai. It's immeasurable. But sometimes, life kicks you so hard that it feels better to sink into the current for a moment or two.
no subject
Date: 2025-07-31 04:34 am (UTC)But there are two people Ai does not trust, not fully. One is responsible for having pulled Rin out of the water. The other is currently staring at Rin with sky blue eyes lined with a worry, turning inward, examining the sudden pit of self-loathing that wells in his gut.
A time like this, and you're worried about that? Get over yourself.
Ai rescinds his hand. Steps forward, presses a reassuring flat palm to the top of Rin's back, just for a moment, as if to make his presence known before daring to step into Rin's peripheral vision, trying to get Rin to catch his eye. Ai thinks if Rin can just conjure the courage to see the face of at least one person who has his back, he might be amenable to help, or at least figuring himself out in a non-volatile manner.
"I could walk you to the car," he offers. And figures Sousuke would have no problem with that, either. It was still on premises and they parked pretty close; it would at least grant Rin the privacy to work his shit out without cameras or reporters or fretting friends surrounding him. It just meant he'd have to be willing to walk over there. Because even if he doesn't want or feel he needs or even deserves Ai's help, it is in Ai's nature to try. He has to.
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Date: 2025-07-31 05:00 am (UTC)He startles himself out of the thought, trying to rip himself free of the panic and shame swelling in every core. It's a little late to escape completely undetected. Sousuke and Haru are there, panting, and Ikuya isn't far behind. Rin's eyes widen. There's no way in this lifetime or the next either would participate in any sort of scrutiny towards him for such a human mistake or slip up. His skin quivers underneath Ai's ministration, concerned gazes falling onto it.
Rin's never noticed before now how all the most important people to him... all come in various shades of blue. Their eyes at least. The intensity of their cores, and the windows to their souls. It brings back that lump in his throat, as he stares at the floor, unsure of how to proceed.
Haru breaks the silence first, stepping forward, unsure of how to proceed. But he has Rin's jacket in his arms, pushing it towards Rin. Haru is the master of not liking eye-contact, and so he spares Rin any further from him. Maybe Haru's hand drags down Rin's arm a little too slowly, which just makes him shiver more. But...
"Your phones in your pocket." Is all Haru says, before he steps back. Something in Rin swells with gratitude. He can't face his Mom and sister. Not right now. Not anybody, even this group is hard. Sousuke gives Haru a look, once Rin can't quite discern through his ebbing adrenaline and panic. Sousuke sighs, fishing around in his pockets. He's intuitive, and knows all he needs to. He grabs his car keys and hands them to Ai, looking over Rin's momentary caretaker with an equally level look.
"Just make sure he gets his space, yeah?"
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Date: 2025-07-31 05:10 am (UTC)It wasn't Ai's intent to corral or interject more than necessary. Not after last time - and selfishly, not with Haruka present. Personal feelings aside (a monumental task in and of itself, but wanting to make sure Rin is alright often seems to supersede these kinds of things), Ai feels emboldened at seeing so many people ready to rally behind him.
Would things have gone differently if he had pushed Rin to seek them out earlier? It had been his gut intuition, after all. He has spent years watching the way Rin brightens when in the company of the people he loves most. But fear of overstepping kept him from suggesting or pushing- and look how that ended up. Useless. A refrain Ai fears will only silence when he's put to rest.
More than any of that, though. He can understand Sousuke isn't chiding him. More begging for Ai to take care of himself, too. Ai isn't sure which part of it makes him feel worse.
"Come on, let's go," Ai encourages, voice quieter for Rin's sake. He puts Sousuke's keys in his pocket carefully. "Can you walk?" A dumb question after watching Rin sprint from the center of the natatorium, but not a single person among them isn't acutely familiar with what a cramp like that does to a person, and Ai also knows adrenaline is a bitch. He's willing to reckon that on top of the turmoil, throbbing physical pain isn't currently helping Rin's situation, either. While Ai knows it's good to introduce elasticity back into the muscle, he doesn't want Rin to overdo it, and doesn't think there's shame in needing to lean on someone, even just for a minute.
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Date: 2025-07-31 04:20 pm (UTC)He stares stiffly ahead, barely shifting his gaze from the floor. There's a certain resignation, as he winces from time to time. Of being a monumental fuck up. It's easy to tell others to not dip into a similar mindset, encourage the hell out of them with everything in him.
But hypocrisy is an evil thing.
There's a time or two where he stumbles, trying to lean on Ai for support. But mostly, he stubbornly sticks to his own motions, despite the pain coursing through him. It was his own fault. There's nobody to blame. All that overextending, all the slacking in self care of physique. He won't make the mistake again, and can only hope those around him forget it quicker than he'll ever be able to.
It's a quiet journey to the garage, thankfully not terribly far. Rin hasn't said a word. He leans against a pillar for a moment, as he tries to get his bearings. E5... it's somewhere, he just can't remember where through the noise. He pulls his phone out of his jacket, frowning at the flood of notifications on his screen. He sees something about Ikuya qualifying for the 200m run, but doesn't look past that as he shoves it back into the fabric, looking over at Ai.
"Shit, do you remember where it is?"
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Date: 2025-07-31 04:53 pm (UTC)But Ai also knows Rin, and knows there is no contesting him when he's in this mindset. It's all he can do to be present to catch him if he falls - literally this time around - rather than try to pry Rin's mind away from the path it's set on.
The two times Rin's weight comes upon him, Ai steadies him momentarily with a hand at his lower back. Doesn't hold him there and waits for Rin to inevitably right himself; a silent trust that Rin could handle it, even if he shouldn't handle it. But an ever-present reminder that Ai was going to spot him regardless.
He slows to a stop when Rin does too, and before Rin can even ask, Ai is looking at the ground markers. He remembered their spot, and can remember it in relation to the front entrance--
He points, "Right there. In black." Four cars up. Ai trots ahead of Rin but not too far, within a close enough range that if Rin stumbled again Ai could help him back up. But Ai is first to Sousuke's car, using the button on the keys to unlock its latch; Ai uses the gap in their speed and the time it grants him to open the back door, push the front passenger seat forward, and make room for Rin to lounge back there. Ai pokes his head out of the car,
"It's better if you keep it elevated for now so you can massage the knot out." Implying Rin should sit in such a way that his back is to the window and his leg is over the back seats. He steps back, giving Rin the room to crawl in however he wishes.
And then Ai hesitates.
He knows Rin wants space, and wouldn't be shy about making it known. But Ai also wants Rin to understand Ai's support is in perpetuity. It'd feel rude to just leave him, even if that is exactly what Rin probably wants. Then, an idea sets on him like a perfect compromise.
"Do you want a water, senpai? A drink? I can go to the vending machines and bring something back." Gives Rin privacy. Gets Ai away for a little bit, but enables him to be helpful. He smiles lopsidedly, knowing Rin isn't in the mood for levity but also knowing it has a tendency to cut through the shit sometimes, "Emotions have been high today, you probably need to hydrate."
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Date: 2025-08-01 04:16 am (UTC)So Rin tries to prop himself up in the most comfortable way, wincing a little as he puts his leg up best he can. It sucks, truth be told. But he knows Ai is right and wishes he had been a little more considerate of his body before what was arguably the biggest race of his life. Something in him sinks again, knowing Haru probably got booted out of qualifying, and there's no way in hell Rin is touching that event with a twenty foot pole as long as he lives.
He sighs, zipping up his jacket, and pulling out his phone again before looking back at Ai. He's grateful for the kindness, as exhaustion prickles in every inch of him. But there's some sort of inkling in the back of his head... the one that just screams at everything around him. Rin wants to be alone, but.
He reaches out to squeeze Ai's wrist, before yanking his hand back awkwardly. His fingers curl at the back of his own neck, and he looks away awkwardly. "...sorry." It's one of those moods apparently. Rin shifts a little in the backseat as he tries to get comfortable. "Is it cool? If I touch you still? I don't want you thinking I'm like...leading you on or something." Because Rin realizes how touchy he's been all day and flirty and everything he normally is with everyone today.
And he doesn't want to give people the wrong impression. And he doesn't want to be a jackass. Ai told him flatout to treat him the same. So Rin is trying. It felt easier today, amongst all their friends--teammates now. But in the parking garage, it feels a little stranger. Rin's nails dig into the back of his neck.
"Yeah, just some water. Sorry. Thanks again though."
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Date: 2025-08-01 04:43 am (UTC)There's a gentle, appreciative, familiar simper upon his lips when Rin initially reaches out to him, and Ai ducks his head to look into the car to look at Rin properly, interpreting that as a gesture for wait a minute. That wasn't the complicated part. It's what comes out of Rin's mouth next that is so raw in its essence, Ai wishes he could just take it at face value.
It's true, he asked outright for nothing to change. The difference is that now, everything has changed. And before he'd opened his stupid mouth, there was no leading on. No sense of finite rejection; he could keep it all well-contained in a neat little glass cage, equal parts transparent and yet inaccessible to the public. Now it's loaded. Now it hurts. And yet he is only human, and is selfish, and asked something of Rin before he could really understood what that meant, and.
Ai shakes his head, once, and tries very hard to keep his countenance composed. "It's alright, I wouldn't think that." I don't need you to tell me how you feel. His spine straightens just a little, "My only worry would be your friends." Well. One of them. If Ai has to feel those deep blue eyes roving over him one more time, he might genuinely just fork the key over to Rin and hop on the next plane back to Australia with his uncle.
Ahh. It can't be helped.
He leans his body into the car, foot leveraged on the edge of the doorway. Leans over Rin, and. Hesitates. As if he'd just been about to do something, but the moment he got too close, the wind was knocked out of his sails. And so instead Ai swallows, measuring Rin's expression sincerely. And then, as if having suddenly decided on something else, exhales.
"Don't overthink it. You'll just hurt your head." He's pulling out of the car and bounding toward the venue entrance, absolutely using Rin's current injury to his advantage so he didn't have to hear a retort-- but then comes back momentarily to dip his head back in, "I'll be right back!", before taking off again and heading inside.
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Date: 2025-08-01 12:40 pm (UTC)Except Ai quickly closes that distance. To the point where Rin is shrinking back against the seat. There's. Something. Crossing over his features before he retreats just as quickly. Like it never happened at all. Rin blinks after him, but before he can muster up the words for anything, Ai is gone.
And Rin is left alone with his thoughts again.
In all fairness, it's what he had pressed for. Solitude, and Ai was graciously allowing for that to happen. The tears slowly began to stream over and he laughs to himself. The migraine isn't going to be good tonight. But maybe he can relish in the smaller things. That most of them today were happy at least.
But it's harder to stray away from the other intrusives. The ones that knock over his prior accomplishments today. You have two olympic qualifying times, what the fuck is your problem? Another voice worms out and chides But it could have been three. And you tanked in front of your idol. Got your best friend pulled out too. Rin tangles his fingers through his hair, yanking the locks.
It does two things. A little pain to alleviate the pressure and ground him. Equally, it is a little sting that he is in control of. Something he has control over. A shuddering breath follows, as he wipes his face with the back of his hand. Breathe, breathe. He tries. Fails, for the most part. But the effort is at least worth something, right?
Through the sting in his eyes, he pulls his phone out again, immediately texting his family that he's okay. And before he can even send off a second text, his Mom is gently telling him exactly what he knows. Your dad would be so proud. Don't worry about the last one. And Rin chokes back another sob.
How do people make it so easy?
He tries desperately to compose himself, going through his other messages. It's mostly "congrats" or "are you okay???"s to which he just tries to respond to the concern from others. He knows he would feel like shit if he was in their shoes; no updates on friends who tanked. Haru's sticks out, and it does something to him. Something he doesn't know what to do with.
i think we need to talk
Rin closes out of it as quick as he opened it, focusing on answering Ikuya's lightly teasing text instead before shoving his phone back in his jacket.
He sucks in another shuddering breath, holding his arms above his head to allow his lungs to fully expand. It's awkward in the car, but he manages. His fingers drag along the roof, trying to focus on the gently upholstered interior. It feels almost fuzzy beneath his fingertips. He closes his eyes, tries breathing again. Tries to forget that look that crossed Ai's face, thinking he just fucked something else up too.
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Date: 2025-08-01 02:26 pm (UTC)Wouldn't have thought twice about supporting Rin in absolutely any way it'd take. Whether it was reeling him in, giving him a reality check, a confidence boost, a confidant - there was no wall too high to climb in that pursuit. Ai didn't feel threatened. He felt small, but still held within himself a sense of being present despite that. And yet here he is, wondering if some time is too much time away, or if walking Rin to the car had been a good idea at all.
Worried about consequences.
A phenomenon tenacious, stubborn, enduring Aiichirou had never worried about before. He approaches the vending machine and doesn't press a button right away; instead he puts his head to the cool plastic, as if this could somehow help him to untangle his thoughts. Worry for Rin, shame at his selfishness, undue anxiety about other things. In the back of his head, he's aware he should text Sousuke.
He presses the button for water, pays with his phone (and marvels at how Tokyo's IC readers seem so much more advanced than what they had back at Samezuka), and heads back toward the car. All told, Ai is gone for roughly seven, maybe ten minutes.
He stalls at the entrance to the parking lot, and rises to his tip-toes as if he could try and scout out Rin's mood from this purview. Unfortunately, Sousuke's car is too buried in the row for Ai to be able to peek into the glass from here, and so he resolves to potentially being mildly inconvenient. He approaches the side door, giving it a knock to let his presence be known before opening the door gently, and leaning down to peek inside at Rin. Isn't surprised to see the state he's in; Ai meets him with a kind and gentle smile, one he's extremely used to wearing, those pulleys able to shuffle through the stage curtains faster than most.
"When they write your biopic, senpai, the director is going to give this an incredible music score." Yes, he's teasing a little. Yes he knows it might draw heat, but he's gambling on it cutting through the shit too. Rin's tense, Ai's a little tense, Ai knows Rin can sense he's tense-- Ai just wants to do away with all of it. He reaches in to hand Rin his watter bottle, "I think I saw the guys out in the hall." It's an open floor. Do you want to go to them? Do you want me to go to them? Should I relay a message?
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Date: 2025-08-01 03:20 pm (UTC)One, Rin nearly jumps when Ai comes back to the car, awkwardly pressing his palm flat against the roof while his fingers claw against it.
"Shit, sorry." Maybe he had been able to slip into a more relaxed state too easily. No harm done though, as he nods a silent appreciation and takes the offered water bottle. Two, he snorts because Ai is proving more and more he can actually be funny. Even if he is just trying to cut through all the awkward Rin mudded up between them. He chuckles though, rolling his eyes in response as he takes a sip from the bottle.
"They better spin me almost drowning into some allegory for being gay for Phelps in the lane next to me."
That silence drips down a little, as Rin just focuses on his breathing, drinking water, trying to empty his head for a little bit. But Ai opens the floor, and it makes Rin pause with the bottle against his mouth. What's the best course of action? Crying and wallowing sounds fantastic, but he wouldn't let any of them pull that stunt. So like hell any of them are going to stand by and let it happen either. Rin sighs, pulling the water from his mouth.
"Can't run away from the 'you didn't bother stretching, idiot's for much longer." He pulls his phone out, texting Ikuya that he's good for them to come over. Because he doesn't want to look at Haru's text right now, and he doesn't want to open Sousuke's either because he's already going to get the lecture. Might as well spare himself a few moments longer.
He puts his phone back in his pocket, thumbing the label on the bottle. "Well. Besides that massive fuck up... not too shabby I guess." Rin laughs softly. "Congrats, dude. You worked hard." We all did.
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Date: 2025-08-01 03:33 pm (UTC)Chuckles again at Rin's joke, and dutifully ignores the voice in his head that has a quip to say about the other lane too, and punches low because he knows it works with Rin, "They didn't need you drowning to spin that." Ai's then looking up and to the side, as if contemplating, "I half-thought about seeking him out, but worried if I brought him over, you might kill me."
Leaning in the entrance of the car door isn't the most comfortable, so Ai is instead leaning against the shell of the car outside. Door still open, so he can hear Rin and Rin can hear him clearly; Ai's just continuing to grant him his privacy. And maybe, subconsciously, neglecting Rin the chance of reading Ai's expressions. Not that it does him any good, besides; every time Rin talks, Ai is leaning down to look into the car. Finds it hard to address him without making that connection, even if it's to his detriment.
"I should have said something," he murmurs gently. "While we were in the warm-up room." Ai had been the one who offered to help him stretch, after all. Instead, Ai got caught up in that small moment of revelry and kidding around. Lost focus. Paid too much priority to something that ultimately won't make a difference. It isn't his fault, he knows it doesn't help to dwell on what ifs, but. Still can't help the way his brain spins; he and Rin have this in common.
Ai can hear quite a few footfalls shuffling in the hallway of the entrance toward the parking lot, and starts to see Rin's group turning the corner. One last time, Ai pokes his head in. His expression is almost nostalgic in the way there is nothing but a pure, ardent adoration creasing his eyes. A welled feeling that no amount of baggage or happenstance can ever dull.
"You were incredible today, Rin-senpai. Even now, it makes my chest burn up."
Ai shifts further down the car, away from the open door, as Ikuya and Haruka follow behind Sousuke in their approach.
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Date: 2025-08-01 05:18 pm (UTC)"It's not your fault." He tacks on quickly, muttering as he tilts his gaze towards the back of the seat. He doesn't want any shifted blame, because some of those moments were the best. Seeing Ikuya balk, Ai loosen up, even Sousuke and Haru, stoic as they can be, stifle back laughter? It was worth it. Those are the things that matter right? Rin remembers that fight he had with Haru in the locker room.
"You think I do this for good times? To show off?" "I swim for my friends." And in that moment, as Haru stalked off, Rin sure hadn't felt like much of a friend. That's what swimming is about, right?
"I wouldn't trade the moments I have with you guys for anything..." Rin admits, rubbing the back of his neck. The moment is broken though, as the other three make their way to the car. Rin grabs the oh shit handle, as Sousuke so politely labels it, and leans out of the car a bit, grimacing at the three.
"You see this ass parking job? What kind of guy parks on the lines like that?" To Rin's surprise, he hears Haru.
"Probably the same kind who can't swim straight." Rin can hear Ikuya trying not to laugh. Hell, he's trying not to too. But he loses that fight and sputters out some semblance of one.
"Alright. 1:0 Nanase. You got me good." Rin says quietly.
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Date: 2025-08-01 05:32 pm (UTC)"I wouldn't either."
Haruka wastes no time in meeting Rin half-way, Ikuya close behind; Ai looks to Sousuke, silently passing the keys back to him. Sousuke gives him something of a loaded look, but when Ai doesn't return it, decides to drop it.
Sousuke pockets his keys and just barely peeks inside the car to Rin from over Haruka's shoulder.
"You didn't bitch about my parking on the way here." Sousuke smiles, taunt wrought into the upticked skin. He's just glad to see Rin's not stuck in his head.
"You could have probably centered it better if someone wasn't hanging half-way out the door." It's light. It's good. It's digestible. No doubt, Rin needs the communal uplifting right now, and Ai's happy to oblige.
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Date: 2025-08-01 06:32 pm (UTC)"No way. You're prickly like a cat."
There's the familiarity. Rin sullied it, at least temporarily with his tantrum. Not that anyone here but him would blame him, of course. They're all snickering. Sure it's at Rin's disposal, but after they all ganged up on Ikuya earlier and with how Rin was bawling ten minutes ago, it's all fine.
Halfway hanging out the car, keeping himself pulled up with the handle is also helping all the tension melt away. Sousuke takes a step back, looking around the parking garage. It's quiet for a minute, the chuckles tapering and dissipating. He starts shifting in the backseat, so he's not hanging out the door anymore, but Haru knees down in front of the open door, arms folding on the seat. He's just looking at Rin, his chin resting on his arms. Rin swallows at the intensity of those eyes on him. But suddenly there's a hand squeezing over his own. It's Ikuya.
"I'm gonna get going, before Hiyori has an aneurysm." Rin blinks, but squeezes Ikuya's hand back, smiling.
"Good job today, man. Looking forward to being on the same team." Ikuya blinks, lie that's the most genuine thing Rin's ever said to him. He scoffs, a little color on his face as he waves and walks away. Haru's still kneeling in front of the backseat. Rin just sighs, scratching the back of his head.
"Can I help you? I'm not looking for a proposal, thanks--" Haru shrugs.
"Just looking." It's soft. Rin nearly jerks backwards, but he sees Sousuke step away from the car and tap Ai on the shoulder, pointing the other way.
"I need some help finding the bathroom. Come with me?" And Sousuke tosses the keys at Rin before he starts walking away. "Just remember that's a new car."
And Rin nearly spits in response, Haru remaining as stoic as ever.
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Date: 2025-08-01 06:41 pm (UTC)He would have made up some arbitrary excuse to get the hell out of here himself, but Sousuke beats him to the punch. Ignores the knot in his gut and chooses instead to rely on the tenets he knows to be immovable comforts. Sousuke's intuition, for one.
"I'm surprised you made it back out here without getting turned around," he chimes, already walking back toward the building. And the moment they're out of earshot, with only Sousuke's eyes on him, Ai lets his expression fall. Can't help but look back at the car just one more time before stepping inside.
He says nothing. Just ruffles up his hair, takes a steeled breath, and swallows it all down. "Kirishima-senpai is more animated than I expected." It is absolutely not what is on either of their minds, but it is as if the obvious elephant in the room would threaten rampage if Ai deigned to touch it.
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