[he's digging through his pockets, clambering for his stupid fucking keycard. he pulls his phone out first, but it immediately falls from his hand, clattering on the floor in front of their door. this feels like the closest confirmation ai's given, the one rin has equally been skating around in full on terror. his finger shake around where his phone had been previously]
I... What did he--
[what did you hear him say? what did you see him do? rarely, is rin rendered speechless but. well. ai has always been so adept at disarming him. it's no surprise this is any different]
I told you. Guy needs to hold his booze better.
[...which equally does little to confirm or deny ai's suspicions around everything. rin knows they didn't fucking do anything. but the rest of the world doesn't know that. and it's looking less and less likely. he leans down to snatch his phone off the floor, fingers white knuckled around it]
It's fine. I'm not forcing you, sorry. That was a shitty thing to say.
[rin tries to scramble for something else, and sucks at it per usual. he tries to focus on ai's well being more than whatever the hell happened last night between the two. rin finally finds his keycard, and holds it up for a moment, huffing as he stares at it]
I'll hang back with you if that's what you want.
[he offers gently, trying to press the card against the slot without much luck. he huffs, trying to take on a more earnest tone]
Just know I'm not forcing you into shit.
[he hears the beep, and shoves the door open. and by some small miracle haru is in there. except he's in the middle of changing, and rin is treated to a full fucking frontal and whips around really fast, gritting his teeth]
The fuck did I say about keeping your pants on?
[he can't see haru, but can hear the pouting in his voice. "You didn't knock."]
Yeah, cause it's my room too, jackass! Do that shit in the bathroom.
[he just hopes what he's hearing is haru pulling all his clothes back on. rin passes a glance over at ai, brow twitching. it's going to be awkward no matter what. so he's just trying. for ai's fucking sake. he steps aside to let haru go to the bathroom, and pulls the door shut behind the team japan hopeful]
[Rin had... A similar reaction when Ai had gently pinned him about Rin's chance encounter with Haruka, too. Over dinner, with their coaches. Which is all the confirmation Ai needs. Maybe Rin and Haruka didn't do anything, but sometimes action means little in the face of intention. If he hadn't been in the room, how different would things have been?
It's that familiar feeling, a tightness in his throat, mirroring a tightness in his gut. He'd felt it when they'd left the room and came back last night; felt it in that natatorium parking garage. Ai still isn't sure how to cope with it, and resents his instinct is split twain between rolling over and taking it or running.
And then Rin is-- back pedaling, in that unique way he does when he has a notion in his head. It tells Ai he's said something to make Rin feel guilty after all, and Rin's dropped his phone and his words are rapid fire and Ai can see, with his eyes, that his hand is shaking and. Professional as always, Ai puts on a sympathetic expression - not quite a smile, but the kindness does kiss his eyes, at least - and very very gently touches Rin's back. Grounding him; reaffirming Ai isn't scared of him.]
Senpai, it's okay.
[Something tells him Rin would sooner jump out a window than spend an evening holed up in here with him. He knows because Rin was barely tolerating Ai's apartment shortly before departure. Ai barely manages to get out,]
I know you wouldn't,
[Force me, but his words are cut short by the door opening and then Rin spinning around in record speed. Ai had been about to walk in right behind him, but is suddenly met face-to-face with an owlish Rin. Ai blinks. Turns his cheek, and takes a step back. And only once Rin's moved does he follow in after, peering around him as if to try and see whatever it was he's just missed, ignoring the flutter in his chest... Ah, but Haruka's already in the bathroom. Then Rin's beckoning him one last time, and Ai chooses to focus on that net positive, rather than fall victim to the churning tempest in his chest.]
It was. [He looks down. To the bathroom. Then, hushed and quickly to Rin,] ... Sorry, again, for this morning. I don't have words for how grateful I am that you're patient with all this stuff. [Yeah. Stuff. And Ai's gonna need to borrow a bit of that patience to make it through tonight, he knows it.
So it's away from Rin and over to his bed, sorting through his sports bag for his wet clothes to gently rinse once Haruka frees the bathroom. Funny; they'd gone through all that fuss for some food, and Ai no longer has an appetite.]
[his thoughts flit to one place when he feels ai's kindness manifest, hears the softness in his words.
i don't deserve it.
he doesn't deserve any of this. not the world, not these people that keep letting him back in when he massively fucks them over one way or another. rin wishes ai were scared of him, waltzed right down to miyakawa or ryuji or mikhail or whoever would listen and demand a room change. then rin could wallow in the selfishness of his own mistakes and live miserably knowing he's hurt yet somebody else. but that's a perfect world where ai looks out for himself, and not for others]
Got nothing to be sorry for.
[rin blurts out, rubbing the back of his head as he lets the door close behind them. because it's not ai's fault. not by a long shot. everything boils down to rin. how much fun could they all be having together if rin had kept his legs closed, his temper in check? if he'd just been honest to haru and sousuke and everyone from the start about coming back to japan? trying not to avoid a stupid "breakup" if it could even be called that at this point?
things could be so much different.
rin waltzes over to his bed, dumping his swim bag on it. before he stares at the bag looped around his other wrist and gnashes his teeth together. more delicately than he should pulling the pastries out, and rolling the small plastic container of his tart in his hand. he sighs, and walks over, holding the bag out for ai to do the same. he gets it without ai even having to say it.
who can have an appetite after something like that?
eventually, haru comes out of the bathroom, and rin is pouting on his bed, glaring daggers at his tart. he'll shower later. he at least grabbed one when they got out of the pool, and took longer than he should have anyway, kept ai waiting...he tosses the bag on haru's bed]
Since you ran off without saying anything.
[and that's all he says before he rolls back over, pulling out his phone]
...you can grab the shower first. Sorry dolphin boy is a hog with it.
[It's a kind simper given Rin's way when he comes to deliver Ai's demi-baguette, which he takes, because now it'd be rude not to. For a moment he awkwardly stands holding the thing, but food is an idea that just makes him nauseous to think about now. How quickly his mood and mental had plummeted. I need a better constitution than this.
His excuse is that the shower is free and Rin is all but ushering him away and Ai knows when to take a hint, so the demi-baguette is going to have to go unattended for a little while on their shared desk for now.
He gathers a change of clean clothes, mindful that he'll be wearing them out later. Bows his head politely toward Haruka while passing him on the way to the shower room. And disappears behind it except for his head,]
I'll be quick,
[Said to Rin before the shower room door closes behind him.
Ai turns on the shower and... Slumps against the wall. Wrings his eyes shut. He'd been doing so good, what happened? Nerves, he guesses. About what the evening might bring. It was easy to tolerate all of this in a hotel room, it felt like the devil you know. Rin's awkwardness around him in closed space; Rin's seemingly unstoppable gravitation toward ocean eyes. Poor Haruka. Ai thinks to that little statuette he had been given as some sort of peace offering, all because he couldn't keep his mood together long enough for it not to seep through the cracks. He realizes with dawning horror, too, he'd forgotten to text Sousuke. Ugh.
He'll get to it after. More than the hot water presently filling the room with steam, Ai is preoccupied with ideation of how he could kill this part of himself once and for all.
Clothes, off; shower, entered. It's an unremarkable affair, washing himself down as his mind races a mile a minute. Shuts the water off, scruffs his hair damp-to-dry, and pulls his clothes on. Deeeep breath in. Loooow exhale out. Ai lets a few seconds hang between him depressing the doorknob and pushing the door, as if to alert people he was entering the room. Just in case. Pokes his head out first...]
It's free,
[Before weaseling out and headed toward his bed. Sitting on it upright, phone pulled into his lap. Right, texting Sousuke--]
[he doesn't know what turmoils ai is warring with inside the confines of the shower. rin can only focus on not warring with whatever is swirling inside his own head currently. even though rin feels like ai ushered himself out a bit too soon, didn't pause to offer it to rin first like he normally would...rin groans, threading his fingers through his hair with a hard tug. he doesn't understand how everytime haru enters the equation, they take two steps back.
he hates it.
he hates himself more.
haru obviously notices rin's mood tank, the silence sweltering between them. and he isn't quite sure what happens but he feels the side of his bed dip and something brush against his cheek. his breath hitches, as he hears a concerned tone softly breaking into the tensed atmosphere.
"are you alright?" but all rin can think about is that bathroom door opening any second, and he turns his cheek away from haru, pressing his face into the pillow with a mutter]
Fine.
[...which thankfully, haru seems to take the hint and leaves him be. but not without lingering on rin's bed for a moment. before he departs to his own, fidgeting with the paper his pastry came wrapped in. rin buries his face harder into the pillow, trying to get a hold of his breathing. thankfully ai saves him, and peeks his head out. and rin has never scrambled off a bed faster in his life, grabbing a pair of fresh clothes and making a break for the bathroom.
the second the door closes behind him, he raps his fist against his forehead, gnashing his teeth. he all but slams the shower handle on hot, stripping off his clothes as fast as he can. he almost doesn't get his tank off in time as he's trying to get in as fast as possible. everything feels too loud. and all he can hear is porcelain shattering on the floor, all the looks ai has suddenly been able to muster ever since that night. the ones that look hurt or angry or--
he winces a little, the water a touch too hot the moment it burns his skin. but he festers in it momentarily, enjoying the sting. there's still a few weeks left of this. he's about this close to saying he has a family emergency and he has to go. or saying he's sick and needs his own bunk. something. anything. he hates putting his friendship in jeopardy. he hates whatever is going on between him and haru. and he doesn't know what the right answer is.
he hates that at the back of his mind he--
his fist smacks against the shower wall, and rin winces. but it was something. a temporary break from the confined slogs of his own head. he draws in a shuddering breath, succumbing to the water and dimly washing the rest of the chlorine off from their earlier swim. practically scrubbing his body wash onto him, trying desperately to get rid of the smell.
it's a good twenty minutes before he finally emerges again, looking a little worse for wear. the steamcloud that rolls out after him is...intense to say the least. it's some small wonder he was able to breathe at all in there]
[There's a tension in the air he can't - doesn't want to - identify when he emerges. But he knows a few things for certain. Rin had not been face-down when Ai had entered the shower room. Haru had not been facing Rin's bed when Ai had entered the shower room. And the speed with which Rin barges in is maybe more proof than the forensics.
Someone said something.
His intuition is astoundingly close, and maybe doesn't pin-point happenstance out of sheer luck. Ai deflates a little, standing like an idiot in the space between the row of beds and the bathroom door. Rather than look hurt, or frustrated, his brow is tied in a tight knot. Pure resolution mode. If I'm going to kill it, it has to be tonight.
He's unsure if he should even apologize to Haruka. What for, existing? It seems apt, if he's honest. Simply being has enabled so many of Rin's recent problems. How much happier would he be if he didn't have to dance around the obvious landmine? The shadow of the elephant in the room spans larger and larger by the minute.
Ai sits on his bed, one leg tucked under the other, and fires off a few texts to Sousuke. His face still down at his phone, he wears a put-on smile.]
It's a bit silly, isn't it? How much he frets.
[He's not even sure if Haruka is listening, and Ai doesn't look over to check. It's as he speaks he hears the knob of the door click,]
If Rin-senpai just did what Rin-senpai wants to do, I think he'd be a lot happier.
[well. it's not like there wasn't some small sting seeing rin swim the individual medley with somebody. and haru doesn't know why he was even fussing over it in the first place. it's not his place to dictate where or what or who rin can swim with. him and ikuya were practicing exchanges anyways, so why--
he forgets about it soon enough. it's easy to let those things be sidelined, and forgotten about after all. maybe it's not the most healthy coping mechanism, but it's what's worked for him famously in the past. not. but there's no malice or grimace towards nitori in any capacity. not even towards rin for giving him the cold shoulder. haru simply shrugged it off and gave him his space.
...and for some reason, nitori doesn't seem quite himself either. coming out of the shower, immediately pulling his phone out and. that expression seems a bit familiar. like the one makoto puts on when something else is going on. but haru isn't one to pry for details. only give that shoulder or ear if it's needed. in his own strange haru fashion.
he tilts his head at nitori. well not like ragging on rin isn't a past time of his but...]
It's just how he is.
[is it? haru wonders sometimes. before rin comes out of the bathroom, haru turns to face his other roommate. there's still. something from whatever happened between them. it's not haru's business still. even though sometimes he's curious about it. nitori killed the prospect, however, all the way back at all japan. and haru didn't want to press him, sensing some obvious hurt from all of this. he casts a glance back at the bathroom door. well.
it feels like there's something else lingering in nitori's words. a secret meaning. like one of those pictures if you squint at the right way you see something else entirely]
[at least the shower wasn't the worst thing. it helped soothe his addled brain a bit. and rin is oblivious to whatever awkward tension settled over before he all but slammed his way out of the bathroom with a huff.
he doesn't want his best friend to feel this way. he just wants this to be fixed. dimly, he almost texts...someone. anyone that would listen. miyakawa or mikhail or fuck even ryuuji at this point. just for some guidance or answers or the quickest aid to fucking change rooming assignments with anybody else. if it saved ai's mind? he would fucking pay for his own hotel for the next two weeks.
he doesn't know what he's walked into either. and he doesn't want to know. so he tosses his dirty clothes into a little pile next to his bed, grabbing a clean shirt and pulling it on. he's never been ashamed of his body much. but for some reason right now? feeling exposed, shirtless is the last thing he wants.
but he slips right back into that persona, that mask he's become so adept at wearing. he looks over at ai as haru goes to pull out one of his sketchbooks from his dresser, completely ignoring him if he's going to do the same and pout or whatever he's doing. he looks at his own phone as he tosses himself onto his bed, squinting at the unreads he's been subject to in less than thirty minutes. ugh]
...Natsuya said they're going out again tonight.
[there's no confirmation or denying that they're going out or he's accepting or anything else, except--]
Nope. Not dealing with that fuckin' hangover again.
[...but he's also not saying he'll go out either. ikuya sent him some stupid video he'll look at later. right now he's just focused on diffusing the tension he's caused]
Ai's lips hang open just a beat too long. The obvious answer clinging onto the back of his tongue for dear life. Even just in this capacity, saying it so plainly would make it all real. But, it'd also kill it. It'd be the first step toward purging this sickness from his system, from Rin's psyche, from this hotel room.
I think he should tell you how he really feels.
His lips barely form around the first syllable of the thought when Rin crash-lands back into their room, and the way Ai jolts is almost dramatic in its shift. It's all he can do to shoot Haruka an apologetic smile, knowing he's inadvertently cut their conversation short-- never mind expending the mental energy to bring his pulse back down to something more manageable, and to tell the suddenly vibrating moths in his gut to keep still.
Rin mulls about the room getting himself situated, and Ai is polite and not ogling. From his periphery he can also see Haru is disinterested - feigned or otherwise - and seems to be reaching for something else. Then Rin is mentioning his texts, and Ai almost protests, because. He'd decided he had a plan, and for it to work he needed Rin there, and.
It'd seem awfully silly if he suddenly grew so upset at Rin choosing not to be present, especially so when Ai was the one who bailed the night before. He swallows around nothing, stares down at his phone, and then--]
Nanase-san, [his new scapegoat,] Will you still be going out tonight? [He scratches his cheek.] It's too bad. Maybe I should have gone last night after all.
he was honestly going to go. it's easy to feign sobriety after such an intense night. easy to push off any drink onto someone else. easy to escape the suffocating labyrinth of this room. maybe even get his friend to come out with him...? but rin shoots ai a look. it's so brief it might not even be caught because now there's something else hanging in the air. nanase-san. will you still be going out tonight? and rin sees exactly what passes over haru's gaze. he knows the look all too well.
and that's when his body instinctively leans into a fight or flight. he tenses, panic flooding every sense. no no no no no. he was banking on that not lingering. being able to escape again and again, and here he is. still wanting to escape all of his problems. ai, haru...how many more times does he have to run before this can settle itself?
how many more people have to hurt in the process?
haru looks over at ai, like that looks never crossed his face to begin with. and merely shrugs giving a little maybe. almost like he's unsure of how to proceed either. maybe he's banking on rin, maybe--]
Y-You ever hear back from Sousuke, Ai??
[rin blurts out suddenly, slamming his phone against the mattress in a less than gentle manner. diversion, diversion, diversion. ]
[He's stepped on a landmine. He couldn't have known, and still isn't entirely sure what or how he said that could somehow rend both Rin and Haruka's expressions. The former more than the latter sure, but.
Rin wants to run? Ai wants to disappear.
... It's hard to get a grip on his senses. Everything screams at him loudly that the message is clear, Rin is using sobriety as an excuse to not go despite saying he had been missed - a platitude. And Haruka has no inclination to fraternize with a parasite. Rin mentioning Sousuke is throwing him a bone and giving him a clear, loud out. Suddenly, rejection seems the easier choice. Ai's mentally prepared for that, for years. But being denounced as so utterly unwanted cuts in a way Ai couldn't have prepared himself for. It's a jolt to his system, and the room is now three for three on men who wear expressions they'd rather not. Blink-and-miss-it, the confused hurt pinches his eyebrows before he remembers there are two sets of eyes on him.
Rin would never. Yet it is the only reasonable conclusion Ai can come to. His brain works overtime to rationalize it as anything else, but it's evident by the stifling silence in the room no one else seems fit to fix it. He winces, holds back the need to cry, and sits up just a bit straighter on the bed. Ai waves his hand in front of his face, as if dismissing a thought that had been too silly to say out loud, and forces a smile onto his lips.]
A-Ah, well! You both had lots happen last night, it's to be expected you'd want to recover. I should have considered that. Kirishima-san is impressive, isn't he...
[No, he's not. But like Rin, he's throwing out diversions, because his eyes feel too hot and if he doesn't run his mouth, they will start leaking--
Yeah, he's on his feet. Almost antsy and unnerved in the way he goes to the desk, picks up his baguette, but makes no move to try and eat it. His voice chips around the edges when addressing the question of Sousuke,]
I'd asked him how practice went, he seems to be doing well.
[Ai puts the baguette back down.]
Ah, but nothing about tonight. I should probably ask, right?
[He swallows too thickly around nothing, and is suddenly padding for the front door.]
That's silly, I forgot to get-- I'll be back! I just-- the vending machine,
[Without so much as his wallet or his phone or his keycard, Ai doesn't wait a damn second for rebuttal or confused noises. In an instant the door is behind him, and he's peeling off for the ice dispensing area. It's as fit a place to have a quiet breakdown as any.]
[he's already seeing what's happening--what's threatening to play out again. and that panic only intensifies. not towards his own situationship, but merely for his friend. the one that's been boiling over, the one rin feels the agonizingly guilt over.
his voice sounds so agonizingly broken, rin knows that facade. not because he has heard ai in such dire straights before. no, it's because he knows what it means to slip into that mask. trying to keep yourself so together that everything else starts to crack and crumble at the edges. maybe haru has the same thought when the prospect of the vending machine suddenly comes out of nowhere. rin thought he might bolt, but then ai does it. and he stiffens as that door slams behind him.
because he's broken in his thought process for a moment. time alone with haruka fucking nanase. isn't that what he's both craved and despaired over? but... haru's gaze trails after ai too, a little wide eyed and then.
rin goes right after him.
there's no telling if he'll find him or not. ai has a little distance on him because rin is a fucking coward. and he doesn't quite know where to look. maybe vending machines should have been the first place because...well. isn't this where some of this began? right in front of a vending machine? rin remembers ai's wide eyed expression, something he's only seen once since--
he remembers the gentle fingertips wrapped around his own hand, completely uncaring of what might transpire to him. only caring about the fact that rin might hurt himself further. there's a sting in the corner of his eyes, that shame welling and bubbling over the surface. oh how he hates himself.
and eventually maybe he does find ai by the vending machine. maybe it takes him some time. or maybe he doesn't but...god does he try. even texting sousuke, asking him that so stupid question. one he hates for asking. because he as a good friend should always know where ai is right? have you seen ai?]
[It's nothing short of a miracle that this time of day after the entirety of their team has returned from the arduous energy expenditure that is swimming practice that seemingly no one needs a drink. It is one of the very few times, Ai thinks, that the gods have smiled upon him in recent weeks. That even with nowhere to go, stuck in a hell of his own making, he can at least push himself into the ice and vending machine cove and be granted a few minutes' time with himself to just. Cry. There were no balconies, no fire escapes, no rooves for him to escape to. It was his best option.
Because the alternative was breaking down in front of his roommates and having to feel the overwhelming and crushing guilt of not being able to keep it together. When everyone else is crumbling-- when Rin is, and intentionally or not relies on Ai to be stalwart, and secure, and stable. And it was easier to be those things when he and Rin had a lifetime's worth of grey area between them. But as more grey matter is given name, as more shadows are brought to light, as more of what Ai has tried so god damn hard to keep under strict lock and key is dragged out into the waking world, so too do the threads at his seams begin to give. Pathetic. Useless. Words that pummel his mind, up until he thinks he hears footfalls approaching.
Can't you take a hint? It's such a cruel thing to think, but it is the first thought that crosses his mind, because there is only one person who could be barreling down the hall that fast. He'd actually put thought into this outfit, too - a clean white crewneck sweater, light blue baggy jeans cropped at the ankles. Now he's using the cuff of his sleeve and the hem of his sweater to stay his tears and the mess on his face in record time, blotting the fabric damp.
He is, at the very least, a pretty crier. There is no blubbering here, no snot, and record speed at regaining composure. Even if his eyes and nose, reddened and puffy, give him away.
Red hair nearly zooms past, and Ai just stands patiently in the outcove, the rumble of the vending and ice machines an appropriate backdrop, he thinks. They synchronize and harmonize with the cacophony in his head pretty damn well.
... But he won't look Rin in the eye. If he had known Rin would give chase, he wouldn't have ran to begin with. Ai tries to quietly and subtly pull in a breath to steel himself, though it comes up shaky.]
Why are you running? [No sense in hiding, though Ai's gaze averts away. He keeps his head turned, and dabs the corner of his eye with the edge of his sleeve.] I'm right where I said I'd be. I just need a minute.
[he can't disguise the look of downright pity that's dripping from his gaze. it probably does little to aid the situation. does even littler still to aid in ai keeping it together so famously.
...rin really has been blind to all this over the years.
he bites his lip, shifting his gaze towards the floor. it's a vile feeling sometimes, to have someone finding you crying. he knows it all too well. and now that guilt just floods over him in waves. ai's right, he did say where he would be didn't he? isn't it obvious that rin just stormed into a private moment as he so often does? he tries to offset the feeling by rubbing the back of his neck. but...]
Guess I followed you because--
[it's inappropriate timing maybe. the way rin laughs. but it's a soft thing, maybe laced together with the faintest undertone of bitterness and a self deprecating tone]
Had to make sure you weren't being stupid. What was it you said?
[rin tries so hard to keep the mood light, do something stupid or say something kind or equally dumb to put a smile back on his roommate's face. so he tries to shift his gaze to meet ai's]
'You're too young to die'.
[not that he seriously thinks ai was going to kill himself. but it's a little callback to when the world didn't seem so big outside the confines of their all too small dorm room. rin sighs. he can't keep the mood light forever, and takes a step back to keep more of his weight on his leg]
...is this going to be too hard?
[rin doesn't specify. which might be a crime of itself, but he hopes it's obvious. this rooming situation with haru]
[Ai beats Rin to the punch, turning his back so Rin can't see him crying in full. He feels abysmally, horrifically embarrassed and mortified and ashamed, and Rin of all people laying witness to that is just about the nail in the coffin. How does Ai even begin to explain it almost wasn't the rooming situation that caused this? But being left behind. Or his assumption that was what was happening. They'd had such a good afternoon, and he'd just tanked it all.
Though, perceptive ears will hear a watery titter. Ai recognizes that call back to such an outrageous fret he'd declared so many years ago. He's honestly surprised Rin remembers.]
You need to have more faith in me than that.
[What really kills him is Rin's consideration that follows thereafter. Ai wishes he'd swallow the words. And something bubbles up in him, which is dangerous. The first time he'd felt this, it resulted in shattered mugs and mistakes. The second time, it wound up with him collapsed on the floor. But it's almost an impetus, instinct mercilessly prying his lips open where his self-control otherwise wouldn't want it to.
He realizes it's cowardice, saying it with his back turned. He's already lowly, what's one step lower?]
I should be asking you that. Right?
[Ai straightens his shoulders. Hands calm at his sides. Blinks his eyelashes furiously to try and stay his tears on his own.]
I don't understand why you hesitate. The way you scowl when you think eyes are on you, and the way you soften when you don't. I said it at that time, didn't I?
[I know what yearning looks like. The silence that follows has his shoulders stiffening, and his head held just a little higher. His voice, too calm. Resolute.]
Nanase-san has been waiting for you. You've spent too much time running, Rin-senpai. So I'll tell you the same thing I told him: if you talked with him, you wouldn't regret it.
[rin scoffs. but then, really. given everything that's happened. ai has every reason to doubt rin's faith in him. isn't it interesting? how the events of just a few months can change your whole trajectory? from relationships to bonds and how even the public perceives them. he cycles back from that statement, keeping his distance, giving ai his space.
because he's even failed in that in every regard apparently.
unfortunately, the topic slips back into familiar territory. the thing he's been avoiding all along. he'll never be able to escape the observant nature of aiichirou nitori, will he? that's never been in the cards. not the whole time they've been together and apart.
or maybe it's because rin hates being lumped into something so simple so easily. something he's never been able to shake since high school, apparently. and that self inflicted disgust continues to build. until it manifests as an echo; the shattering of porcelain breaking over and over again on the tile. something he doesn't think he'll be able to escape for as long as he lives]
You know what talking means.
[i know what that means. he thinks to himself quickly. the way he's jerked away time and time again. thirty minutes ago in his own bed, last night at the door. if coward had a picture in the dictionary, the face of rin matsuoka would be slathered all over the pages.
he can't help the recoil of disgust he feels when he feels his lip tremor, and his own eyes sting in turn. because rin settles on a bitter realization]
So what happens then?
[spoken aloud without much thought, a rhetorical more than anything. he doesn't expect ai to answer because he doesn't know what is fair to even expect. it's unfair of him to be saying it at all, like he's pinning the weight of it on his roommate. so he tries to backpedal to save face]
[It'd be too egoistic to assume Rin's hesitance is only because of this unnamed thing. Were that the case, Ai thinks all of this would look a lot more different. In a way, it only makes killing it easier. It's clear as day by his actions what Rin truly wants, and what he prioritizes - Ai being caught in his wake an afterthought. At some point, Ai's realized, he too has to learn to prioritize himself first.
Maybe he will go out tonight. Alone. Maybe he'll get sloshed, weep on someone's shoulder, beg Sousuke to say I told you so in a flagellation ritual, and have such a haggard night getting it all out of his system he doesn't even come back to the hotel room. Maybe all he has to do is purge himself from the inside out. And then he can reinvent himself for the umpteenth time, this time without a core, and with a space to finally let it heal.]
That's not true at all.
[Ai has always been prime among Rin's company to give him harsh truths, right now is no different. Wanting to drive this home, Ai finally turns to face Rin, the calm of his expression only cut by the deep, furrowed line of his eyebrows and the persistent, wet flush lining his eyes and nose. He's not going to let Rin weasel out of it, so he continues, tone so even he may as well be describing the weather,]
You're tired of your inaction being punished. It isn't me, it never was. I could be anyone else, and you'd feel the exact same.
[Third best. He should have trusted his gut all those months ago. Hope was never his friend. There is a timeline somewhere where Ai kept it all under tight lock and key, and Rin never had reason to suspect, and they could have continued in their lanes neatly. Ai could have continued licking his own wounds, rather than bleeding through his clothing in plain sight.
Ai sets his jaw where it threatens to tremble and build up this stalwart disposition he's managed, leveling Rin with a hard, unrelenting gaze.]
Of course I know what talking means. And so do you. It means we can all start moving on.
[there's a thousand different things flitting through his head.
a hundred different scenarios and roads he could take from this point.
...each one feeling worse than the last.
he inhales. exhales. rin's forced to face it, and it manifests as cloudy skies--all the sun and light obscured by the thick fog. such a dim, dreary blue that once seemed so bright, too bright under the scorch of crimson. rin's throat feels tight.
sometimes things have to be laid out frank in life. even when it seems too difficult to bear. and most of the time it needs to come from the right person. because if that voice isn't loud enough, why would anyone choose to listen? if the stakes weren't high enough, why bother at all? he tries to say something, anything. but each word dies on his tongue, his lips parted uselessly. months prior, everything seemed fine. all those sunny days getting to know each other again. a shimmer in their gazes, the fond teases exchanged easily without much thought behind them.
but that's just the problem with precious, delicate things. even after they break, even if you glue back every shard, there will always be those cracks. the structure will always be compromised.
and so. all rin can do when that gaze continues to level with him is reach forward, brushing the back of his hand across that sickeningly tear streaked cheek. at least shouldering some of the burden. rin may not be worth much in this world anymore, but at least he can try to wipe away some of the mess he's caused]
[It's self-serving. Ai knows it has to be. And so despite his frayed nerves standing on edge uncomfortably when Rin's knuckle brushes over his cheek, foggy sky eyes turning away as if to turn away from the gesture itself, Ai still lets him.
... And then Ai does the thing he should have done so long ago. His shaking hand betrays him, but hie intent is clear: he softly takes hold of Rin's wrist, and moves it away from his face. In that instant, his bottom lip threatens to give way, a second wave of fresh tears hot behind his eyes. Ai does them both the favour of staying them.
And then swallows. And then blurts out, a thought formed not in his head but on his tongue,]
I need to hear you say it. That I never stood a chance.
but unfortunately, it's a monster of rin matsuoka's own making. leaning into impulsiveness and inconsideration has led him down this road. but it's what he deserves, right? after all, how much pain has he inflicted onto others, even if just simply by existing? his own existence is what shoehorned his dad's death after all. his dad could have gone to the olympics. and then he had to come along, and the storm of it all and--]
...don't make me say it.
[his voice shakes, suddenly so small in a too small hallway. he tries, but nothing comes out. all he can see is that fresh glint in ai's eyes. the ones that signal the dam just about to burst. too much mud and clay packed into a weak and shaky structure. ah, but that's not ai either is it? he's always been strong. it's impressive he's made it so far with everything he's endured. his endurance really is one for the record books, isn't it?
he tries again. and nothing comes out.
because he doesn't quite know if that's true. if haruka fucking nanase had never been in the equation, wouldn't things be different? or would rin's temper and tenacity at ruining everything precious eventually win out? he knows the answer deep down, but it feels so hollow all the same. what would normal look like?
what can normal look like now..?
all the shades of blue that have shaped him throughout the years. and even when they've bled through, it always--]
[Ai smiles, faintly. For just a blink. Weak and hollow, more beside himself than amused. Even at this juncture, the first and only time Ai has asked something so directly, Rin can't deliver. Even when it'd do nothing but help them both.
It's a cruel thought to have. That if Haruka were the one to ask, would Rin jump at the chance to fulfill his wish? Even now, Ai feels an afterthought. Rin's guilt is aimless, and Ai is feeling the weight of that.
So, he does what he does best. Continues to keep that facade pinned to his face, where Rin's threatens to crack and shatter. And presses, because Ai sees a way out, sees a way for Rin to be happy, to smile, and they won't get there if Rin keeps running.
Deep breath in. Quiet, long exhale out.]
Once you do, you can stop feeling guilty. There'd be nothing left to feel bad about. You can stop looking at me with pity in your eyes.
[Far too pragmatic, almost sterile delivery when the topic is the deep, unrelenting, strangling love he has held in his heart for the past five, almost six years. It's evident he's split himself in twain; compartmentalizing to try and see this through to the end.]
And then, I can stop wondering what if. I can ignore the hope that's gotten me in trouble too many times. It's a net-positive.
[A thick swallow around no thing. There is a leaden weight on the back of his tongue, a sting up the entirety of his vocal cavity.]
maybe the guilt is something that will always be there. it has been for a long time now. flaring and ebbing, yet always lingering. there's something oddly satisfying in the way the body seeks out further hurt when the ache is already present. rin can almost taste the way the hurt wells in ai's throat, lacing the undertone of his plea.
his own throat works around nothing. it feels like the words are knotted up in his throat, throbbing in a way they might never escape. but he can't. how much has he taken from ai, and how much has he paid back? shouldn't something like this be easy enough? his lips part, and something bordering a sob slips out instead. his own eyes stinging, that fresh sting welling in the corners and slowly dribbling over]
Do you hate me?
[he blurts out instead, his own weakness and hollowness spilling over the seams. he knows the answer, but he just wants...just like ai has to hear this one thing from rin. so too does rin need his own verification]
...for everything I put you through?
[everything hurts. a giant mess of tangled nerves and feelings that he can't quite vocalize. just another selfish request. rin thinks maybe it's a lie. if it wasn't for the ocean, then maybe--]
...
[he tries to choke it out. he's near doubled over, pulling his hand back to rip against the fabric over his chest. like that would do something to aid in all of this. it doesn't. if anything it makes it worse]
...
[he tries again. rin is well aware of his selfishness. how ai rarely has asked anything of him over the years. and even just a simple request such as that--rin fails at. so miserably. like everything else. it's not the hope that's gotten ai in trouble so much. it's rin. it's always been him. he knows because he stares in the mirror every morning, and that thought creeps into the back of his mind.
it's still you.]
...you never stood a chance.
[it tastes like the biggest lie he's ever spat out. there's no way to know if there was ever any truth behind it. rin's been all too content with putting ai at the back of mind for other people things over the years. there's no way it could have ever ended peacefully, even if an attempt had been made. maybe in another verse, and not one where rin is dimly aware that haru watched him run out after ai. and isn't that just what he's best at?
[Rin's question visibly makes Ai flinch. Even now, even back then-- any time their tongues have crossed like swords, any time they have given each other new scars, even at their absolute lowest points, the thought has never so much as come close to his mind. That Rin could think it had the potential to maybe speaks volumes of how this all has come to be. Ai hiding too much, and too well. To the point laying it bare, even post-mortem, is inconceivable in how deeply shameful it now feels.
Often, metamorphosis was the catalyst for positive change. A caterpillar liquefies into a beautiful butterfly. Coal pulverizes itself into diamonds. But this metamorphosis feels nowhere near as poetic, or kind. If only love could metamorphize into hate; maybe that would have made this all so much easier. If Ai even had the capacity in him to think a single inflammatory thing about Rin, such that he felt it at his core. Maybe then, letting go would be so much easier.
Ai only shakes his head, and presses the knuckle of his pinky to the corner of his eye. His answer an obvious one,]
I could never.
[I'm sorry. Would that he could metamorphize into hate. There will be no catharsis; there will be no place to point and blame and use as a means of getting it all out. There is no metamorphosis. That would imply a continued chapter of living. This is, instead, a death. His love does not cocoon and promise to become a fond memory; it will not compound and pulverize him into a man who has a more certain trust center. It breaks, and shatters, and instead leaves nothing but shame and mortification in its wake. Embarrassed for having ever hoped; ashamed for having inconvenience Rin in such a dreadful way; mortified for having ever let it leave his chest.
Finally, after trying so very hard, Rin gets it out. His tone doesn't sound so sure of himself, and Ai is certain it's only because Rin doesn't want to make himself feel too guilty. How cruel is it, then, that instead of stoking a new bout of waterworks, Rin instead has left Ai with the only genuine smile he's managed to crack since leaving the room?]
Thank you. [Now it's dead.] You've set me free. [I don't know where to go from here.] You'll be a little happier, too. [You won't have to worry about forgetting about me anymore.
Ai leans against the wall. Funny, how when the mind is so potently suppressed, the body picks up its slack; he can't identify when his knees felt like they were starting to give out. His head is turned fully away from Rin, into the corner of the vending area. One arm is held across his body. Minimizing; disappearing.]
Sorry for the trouble I've caused. I promise it won't happen again.
[it takes everything in him to not cross that boundary that ai just so clearly established. to wipe away that tear that ai is beating him to. to the point his hand is already stretching, reaching out but--
i could never.
--and it falls slack against his side. even more does it take still to fight the urge to scream at ai. to shake him by his collar, and beg to know why. why doesn't he hate him? why is rin matsuoka, the one person who does everything wrong between them, not worthy of that feeling? but he remembers a not so distant past, when rin acted similarly and. well.
that was the fallout that precedent all of this, wasn't it? and so, the thought doesn't flit across his mind again. and he just stands there, and suffers alongside ai. carrying the heavy knowledge of messing all of this up. it wasn't like a dive he could right or a turn he fucked up that he could hope to make ground for. the damage was done. and it that smile of sincerity just opens his own waterworks instead.
rin doesn't think he'll be happier. misery and guilt go hand in hand, and rin is famous for carrying things lost past their prime. it's a talent, really. something that when he can't sleep in the middle of the night he pours over, inflicting those deep cuts and scars on his own psyche. so he tries to focus on that little thing, something ai says that rin...doesn't exactly believe. you've set me free. and so he tries. he'll try. if only to make up for all his own damage he's caused.
ai appears to shrink into himself further than when rin found him, and hesitantly...rin takes a step back. instead of closing that gap with violence or comfort like he so desperately wants to. or maybe it's to keep the tears streaming down his face from ai's view as he fixates on the carpet]
...don't.
[rin does manage to choke out however, his voice near shattering as it finally works its way out of his throat]
Don't you dare blame yourself.
[and he knows asking might be fruitless because this is ai. and rin knows all too well how it feels to carry those things. but]
[Rin's lucky, for a time. That Ai's face is turned away, and so he can't see the way shattered glass starts to overtake Rin's gaze, too. But that nicety is shortlived, as Rin's own voice gives him away. Ai's gut lurches. He guesses there's no way for a clean break here, much as he's tried. I guess I'm still a friend, after all.
If only Ai could have internalized that sooner. A night ago, a couple months ago, five years ago. Maybe then, all of this could be avoided.
It is that exact line of thinking why Rin's attempts at downplaying Ai's obvious involvement as far as he sees it nearly make him angry, and have Ai whipping his gaze back to Rin. Taking him in, in his guilt. Regret? Ai couldn't fathom why; a part of him is bothered that Rin doesn't just take the free road paved for him already. Sitting here among wreckage. All while saying something like that-- Ai conjures enough strength to lean off the wall, drop his arms to his sides.]
I've had years to make it go away, yet I never did. [Ai's eyebrows fold; he's angry.] You've thought the same. How much easier it'd all be if not for--
[... His voice dies. Because even now, even now, with nothing left to even speak of, he can't give it a name. He pulls in a breath and tries again,]
-- if I had let it go. Because then you never would have ran away.
[The fury in his eyes die out immediately, memories of that evening washing over him like tar. He really should have gotten the hint, back then. In that moment. To his credit, he did try to put the bird back in its cage, lock it tight. Like a fool he kept choosing hope where its light peeked from the dimmest corners. If he's honest with himself, the heartbreak he will get over. But feeling so stupid, so ashamed-- those are the reasons his eyes can't linger on Rin's for much longer, casting down to the floor.
Was it worth it? Knowing you're not being met in the middle. Even if it hurt. Even if I only got that feeling momentarily. It was fucking worth it. Maybe I'm a coward after all.
The inevitability of it all, the hindsight that he should have trusted his gut makes the back of his eyes sting all over again. Stupid. Useless. Stupid.
Ai, suddenly a hypocrite, sways past Rin and into the mouth of the hallway.]
I'm going to get my phone and wallet.
[And lick his wounds, somewhere. He isn't sure where, but knows for damn sure plans are off for the night. Them being off, in fact, being the reason this all spiraled off the precipice to begin with. Which is more pathetic, going out on his own to barhop and avoid reality until he has no choice but to come back to the hotel at four am, or begging Sousuke to let him stay the night? Usually when he had to get it all out, in his adult age, he'd just go to the pool...
A horrible thought crosses his mind. I want to go home. How empty it all feels, without the back of maroon hair in front of him when he looks ahead. Ai's got a lot of thinking to do.]
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no subject
Date: 2025-12-31 04:20 am (UTC)I... What did he--
[what did you hear him say? what did you see him do? rarely, is rin rendered speechless but. well. ai has always been so adept at disarming him. it's no surprise this is any different]
I told you. Guy needs to hold his booze better.
[...which equally does little to confirm or deny ai's suspicions around everything. rin knows they didn't fucking do anything. but the rest of the world doesn't know that. and it's looking less and less likely. he leans down to snatch his phone off the floor, fingers white knuckled around it]
It's fine. I'm not forcing you, sorry. That was a shitty thing to say.
[rin tries to scramble for something else, and sucks at it per usual. he tries to focus on ai's well being more than whatever the hell happened last night between the two. rin finally finds his keycard, and holds it up for a moment, huffing as he stares at it]
I'll hang back with you if that's what you want.
[he offers gently, trying to press the card against the slot without much luck. he huffs, trying to take on a more earnest tone]
Just know I'm not forcing you into shit.
[he hears the beep, and shoves the door open. and by some small miracle haru is in there. except he's in the middle of changing, and rin is treated to a full fucking frontal and whips around really fast, gritting his teeth]
The fuck did I say about keeping your pants on?
[he can't see haru, but can hear the pouting in his voice. "You didn't knock."]
Yeah, cause it's my room too, jackass! Do that shit in the bathroom.
[he just hopes what he's hearing is haru pulling all his clothes back on. rin passes a glance over at ai, brow twitching. it's going to be awkward no matter what. so he's just trying. for ai's fucking sake. he steps aside to let haru go to the bathroom, and pulls the door shut behind the team japan hopeful]
...thanks. This afternoon was nice.
[directed at ai]
no subject
Date: 2025-12-31 04:37 am (UTC)It's that familiar feeling, a tightness in his throat, mirroring a tightness in his gut. He'd felt it when they'd left the room and came back last night; felt it in that natatorium parking garage. Ai still isn't sure how to cope with it, and resents his instinct is split twain between rolling over and taking it or running.
And then Rin is-- back pedaling, in that unique way he does when he has a notion in his head. It tells Ai he's said something to make Rin feel guilty after all, and Rin's dropped his phone and his words are rapid fire and Ai can see, with his eyes, that his hand is shaking and. Professional as always, Ai puts on a sympathetic expression - not quite a smile, but the kindness does kiss his eyes, at least - and very very gently touches Rin's back. Grounding him; reaffirming Ai isn't scared of him.]
Senpai, it's okay.
[Something tells him Rin would sooner jump out a window than spend an evening holed up in here with him. He knows because Rin was barely tolerating Ai's apartment shortly before departure. Ai barely manages to get out,]
I know you wouldn't,
[Force me, but his words are cut short by the door opening and then Rin spinning around in record speed. Ai had been about to walk in right behind him, but is suddenly met face-to-face with an owlish Rin. Ai blinks. Turns his cheek, and takes a step back. And only once Rin's moved does he follow in after, peering around him as if to try and see whatever it was he's just missed, ignoring the flutter in his chest... Ah, but Haruka's already in the bathroom. Then Rin's beckoning him one last time, and Ai chooses to focus on that net positive, rather than fall victim to the churning tempest in his chest.]
It was. [He looks down. To the bathroom. Then, hushed and quickly to Rin,] ... Sorry, again, for this morning. I don't have words for how grateful I am that you're patient with all this stuff. [Yeah. Stuff. And Ai's gonna need to borrow a bit of that patience to make it through tonight, he knows it.
So it's away from Rin and over to his bed, sorting through his sports bag for his wet clothes to gently rinse once Haruka frees the bathroom. Funny; they'd gone through all that fuss for some food, and Ai no longer has an appetite.]
no subject
Date: 2025-12-31 05:04 am (UTC)i don't deserve it.
he doesn't deserve any of this. not the world, not these people that keep letting him back in when he massively fucks them over one way or another. rin wishes ai were scared of him, waltzed right down to miyakawa or ryuji or mikhail or whoever would listen and demand a room change. then rin could wallow in the selfishness of his own mistakes and live miserably knowing he's hurt yet somebody else. but that's a perfect world where ai looks out for himself, and not for others]
Got nothing to be sorry for.
[rin blurts out, rubbing the back of his head as he lets the door close behind them. because it's not ai's fault. not by a long shot. everything boils down to rin. how much fun could they all be having together if rin had kept his legs closed, his temper in check? if he'd just been honest to haru and sousuke and everyone from the start about coming back to japan? trying not to avoid a stupid "breakup" if it could even be called that at this point?
things could be so much different.
rin waltzes over to his bed, dumping his swim bag on it. before he stares at the bag looped around his other wrist and gnashes his teeth together. more delicately than he should pulling the pastries out, and rolling the small plastic container of his tart in his hand. he sighs, and walks over, holding the bag out for ai to do the same. he gets it without ai even having to say it.
who can have an appetite after something like that?
eventually, haru comes out of the bathroom, and rin is pouting on his bed, glaring daggers at his tart. he'll shower later. he at least grabbed one when they got out of the pool, and took longer than he should have anyway, kept ai waiting...he tosses the bag on haru's bed]
Since you ran off without saying anything.
[and that's all he says before he rolls back over, pulling out his phone]
...you can grab the shower first. Sorry dolphin boy is a hog with it.
no subject
Date: 2025-12-31 05:21 am (UTC)His excuse is that the shower is free and Rin is all but ushering him away and Ai knows when to take a hint, so the demi-baguette is going to have to go unattended for a little while on their shared desk for now.
He gathers a change of clean clothes, mindful that he'll be wearing them out later. Bows his head politely toward Haruka while passing him on the way to the shower room. And disappears behind it except for his head,]
I'll be quick,
[Said to Rin before the shower room door closes behind him.
Ai turns on the shower and... Slumps against the wall. Wrings his eyes shut. He'd been doing so good, what happened? Nerves, he guesses. About what the evening might bring. It was easy to tolerate all of this in a hotel room, it felt like the devil you know. Rin's awkwardness around him in closed space; Rin's seemingly unstoppable gravitation toward ocean eyes. Poor Haruka. Ai thinks to that little statuette he had been given as some sort of peace offering, all because he couldn't keep his mood together long enough for it not to seep through the cracks. He realizes with dawning horror, too, he'd forgotten to text Sousuke. Ugh.
He'll get to it after. More than the hot water presently filling the room with steam, Ai is preoccupied with ideation of how he could kill this part of himself once and for all.
Clothes, off; shower, entered. It's an unremarkable affair, washing himself down as his mind races a mile a minute. Shuts the water off, scruffs his hair damp-to-dry, and pulls his clothes on. Deeeep breath in. Loooow exhale out. Ai lets a few seconds hang between him depressing the doorknob and pushing the door, as if to alert people he was entering the room. Just in case. Pokes his head out first...]
It's free,
[Before weaseling out and headed toward his bed. Sitting on it upright, phone pulled into his lap. Right, texting Sousuke--]
no subject
Date: 2026-01-06 04:04 am (UTC)he hates it.
he hates himself more.haru obviously notices rin's mood tank, the silence sweltering between them. and he isn't quite sure what happens but he feels the side of his bed dip and something brush against his cheek. his breath hitches, as he hears a concerned tone softly breaking into the tensed atmosphere.
"are you alright?" but all rin can think about is that bathroom door opening any second, and he turns his cheek away from haru, pressing his face into the pillow with a mutter]
Fine.
[...which thankfully, haru seems to take the hint and leaves him be. but not without lingering on rin's bed for a moment. before he departs to his own, fidgeting with the paper his pastry came wrapped in. rin buries his face harder into the pillow, trying to get a hold of his breathing. thankfully ai saves him, and peeks his head out. and rin has never scrambled off a bed faster in his life, grabbing a pair of fresh clothes and making a break for the bathroom.
the second the door closes behind him, he raps his fist against his forehead, gnashing his teeth. he all but slams the shower handle on hot, stripping off his clothes as fast as he can. he almost doesn't get his tank off in time as he's trying to get in as fast as possible. everything feels too loud. and all he can hear is porcelain shattering on the floor, all the looks ai has suddenly been able to muster ever since that night. the ones that look hurt or angry or--
he winces a little, the water a touch too hot the moment it burns his skin. but he festers in it momentarily, enjoying the sting. there's still a few weeks left of this. he's about this close to saying he has a family emergency and he has to go. or saying he's sick and needs his own bunk. something. anything. he hates putting his friendship in jeopardy. he hates whatever is going on between him and haru. and he doesn't know what the right answer is.
he hates that at the back of his mind he--
his fist smacks against the shower wall, and rin winces. but it was something. a temporary break from the confined slogs of his own head. he draws in a shuddering breath, succumbing to the water and dimly washing the rest of the chlorine off from their earlier swim. practically scrubbing his body wash onto him, trying desperately to get rid of the smell.
it's a good twenty minutes before he finally emerges again, looking a little worse for wear. the steamcloud that rolls out after him is...intense to say the least. it's some small wonder he was able to breathe at all in there]
no subject
Date: 2026-01-06 04:18 am (UTC)Someone said something.
His intuition is astoundingly close, and maybe doesn't pin-point happenstance out of sheer luck. Ai deflates a little, standing like an idiot in the space between the row of beds and the bathroom door. Rather than look hurt, or frustrated, his brow is tied in a tight knot. Pure resolution mode. If I'm going to kill it, it has to be tonight.
He's unsure if he should even apologize to Haruka. What for, existing? It seems apt, if he's honest. Simply being has enabled so many of Rin's recent problems. How much happier would he be if he didn't have to dance around the obvious landmine? The shadow of the elephant in the room spans larger and larger by the minute.
Ai sits on his bed, one leg tucked under the other, and fires off a few texts to Sousuke. His face still down at his phone, he wears a put-on smile.]
It's a bit silly, isn't it? How much he frets.
[He's not even sure if Haruka is listening, and Ai doesn't look over to check. It's as he speaks he hears the knob of the door click,]
If Rin-senpai just did what Rin-senpai wants to do, I think he'd be a lot happier.
no subject
Date: 2026-01-10 03:09 am (UTC)he forgets about it soon enough. it's easy to let those things be sidelined, and forgotten about after all. maybe it's not the most healthy coping mechanism, but it's what's worked for him famously in the past.
not.but there's no malice or grimace towards nitori in any capacity. not even towards rin for giving him the cold shoulder. haru simply shrugged it off and gave him his space....and for some reason, nitori doesn't seem quite himself either. coming out of the shower, immediately pulling his phone out and. that expression seems a bit familiar. like the one makoto puts on when something else is going on. but haru isn't one to pry for details. only give that shoulder or ear if it's needed. in his own strange haru fashion.
he tilts his head at nitori. well not like ragging on rin isn't a past time of his but...]
It's just how he is.
[is it? haru wonders sometimes. before rin comes out of the bathroom, haru turns to face his other roommate. there's still. something from whatever happened between them. it's not haru's business still. even though sometimes he's curious about it. nitori killed the prospect, however, all the way back at all japan. and haru didn't want to press him, sensing some obvious hurt from all of this. he casts a glance back at the bathroom door. well.
it feels like there's something else lingering in nitori's words. a secret meaning. like one of those pictures if you squint at the right way you see something else entirely]
...what do you think he should do?
no subject
Date: 2026-01-10 03:10 am (UTC)he doesn't want his best friend to feel this way. he just wants this to be fixed. dimly, he almost texts...someone. anyone that would listen. miyakawa or mikhail or fuck even ryuuji at this point. just for some guidance or answers or the quickest aid to fucking change rooming assignments with anybody else. if it saved ai's mind? he would fucking pay for his own hotel for the next two weeks.
he doesn't know what he's walked into either. and he doesn't want to know. so he tosses his dirty clothes into a little pile next to his bed, grabbing a clean shirt and pulling it on. he's never been ashamed of his body much. but for some reason right now? feeling exposed, shirtless is the last thing he wants.
but he slips right back into that persona, that mask he's become so adept at wearing. he looks over at ai as haru goes to pull out one of his sketchbooks from his dresser, completely ignoring him if he's going to do the same and pout or whatever he's doing. he looks at his own phone as he tosses himself onto his bed, squinting at the unreads he's been subject to in less than thirty minutes. ugh]
...Natsuya said they're going out again tonight.
[there's no confirmation or denying that they're going out or he's accepting or anything else, except--]
Nope. Not dealing with that fuckin' hangover again.
[...but he's also not saying he'll go out either. ikuya sent him some stupid video he'll look at later. right now he's just focused on diffusing the tension he's caused]
no subject
Date: 2026-01-10 03:38 am (UTC)Ai's lips hang open just a beat too long. The obvious answer clinging onto the back of his tongue for dear life. Even just in this capacity, saying it so plainly would make it all real. But, it'd also kill it. It'd be the first step toward purging this sickness from his system, from Rin's psyche, from this hotel room.
I think he should tell you how he really feels.
His lips barely form around the first syllable of the thought when Rin crash-lands back into their room, and the way Ai jolts is almost dramatic in its shift. It's all he can do to shoot Haruka an apologetic smile, knowing he's inadvertently cut their conversation short-- never mind expending the mental energy to bring his pulse back down to something more manageable, and to tell the suddenly vibrating moths in his gut to keep still.
Rin mulls about the room getting himself situated, and Ai is polite and not ogling. From his periphery he can also see Haru is disinterested - feigned or otherwise - and seems to be reaching for something else. Then Rin is mentioning his texts, and Ai almost protests, because. He'd decided he had a plan, and for it to work he needed Rin there, and.
It'd seem awfully silly if he suddenly grew so upset at Rin choosing not to be present, especially so when Ai was the one who bailed the night before. He swallows around nothing, stares down at his phone, and then--]
Nanase-san, [his new scapegoat,] Will you still be going out tonight? [He scratches his cheek.] It's too bad. Maybe I should have gone last night after all.
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Date: 2026-01-10 04:00 am (UTC)because.
he was honestly going to go. it's easy to feign sobriety after such an intense night. easy to push off any drink onto someone else. easy to escape the suffocating labyrinth of this room. maybe even get his friend to come out with him...? but rin shoots ai a look. it's so brief it might not even be caught because now there's something else hanging in the air. nanase-san. will you still be going out tonight? and rin sees exactly what passes over haru's gaze. he knows the look all too well.
and that's when his body instinctively leans into a fight or flight. he tenses, panic flooding every sense. no no no no no. he was banking on that not lingering. being able to escape again and again, and here he is. still wanting to escape all of his problems. ai, haru...how many more times does he have to run before this can settle itself?
how many more people have to hurt in the process?
haru looks over at ai, like that looks never crossed his face to begin with. and merely shrugs giving a little maybe. almost like he's unsure of how to proceed either. maybe he's banking on rin, maybe--]
Y-You ever hear back from Sousuke, Ai??
[rin blurts out suddenly, slamming his phone against the mattress in a less than gentle manner. diversion, diversion, diversion. ]
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Date: 2026-01-10 04:25 am (UTC)Rin wants to run? Ai wants to disappear.
... It's hard to get a grip on his senses. Everything screams at him loudly that the message is clear, Rin is using sobriety as an excuse to not go despite saying he had been missed - a platitude. And Haruka has no inclination to fraternize with a parasite. Rin mentioning Sousuke is throwing him a bone and giving him a clear, loud out. Suddenly, rejection seems the easier choice. Ai's mentally prepared for that, for years. But being denounced as so utterly unwanted cuts in a way Ai couldn't have prepared himself for. It's a jolt to his system, and the room is now three for three on men who wear expressions they'd rather not. Blink-and-miss-it, the confused hurt pinches his eyebrows before he remembers there are two sets of eyes on him.
Rin would never. Yet it is the only reasonable conclusion Ai can come to. His brain works overtime to rationalize it as anything else, but it's evident by the stifling silence in the room no one else seems fit to fix it. He winces, holds back the need to cry, and sits up just a bit straighter on the bed. Ai waves his hand in front of his face, as if dismissing a thought that had been too silly to say out loud, and forces a smile onto his lips.]
A-Ah, well! You both had lots happen last night, it's to be expected you'd want to recover. I should have considered that. Kirishima-san is impressive, isn't he...
[No, he's not. But like Rin, he's throwing out diversions, because his eyes feel too hot and if he doesn't run his mouth, they will start leaking--
Yeah, he's on his feet. Almost antsy and unnerved in the way he goes to the desk, picks up his baguette, but makes no move to try and eat it. His voice chips around the edges when addressing the question of Sousuke,]
I'd asked him how practice went, he seems to be doing well.
[Ai puts the baguette back down.]
Ah, but nothing about tonight. I should probably ask, right?
[He swallows too thickly around nothing, and is suddenly padding for the front door.]
That's silly, I forgot to get-- I'll be back! I just-- the vending machine,
[Without so much as his wallet or his phone or his keycard, Ai doesn't wait a damn second for rebuttal or confused noises. In an instant the door is behind him, and he's peeling off for the ice dispensing area. It's as fit a place to have a quiet breakdown as any.]
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Date: 2026-01-10 04:45 am (UTC)his voice sounds so agonizingly broken, rin knows that facade. not because he has heard ai in such dire straights before. no, it's because he knows what it means to slip into that mask. trying to keep yourself so together that everything else starts to crack and crumble at the edges. maybe haru has the same thought when the prospect of the vending machine suddenly comes out of nowhere. rin thought he might bolt, but then ai does it. and he stiffens as that door slams behind him.
because he's broken in his thought process for a moment. time alone with haruka fucking nanase. isn't that what he's both craved and despaired over? but... haru's gaze trails after ai too, a little wide eyed and then.
rin goes right after him.
there's no telling if he'll find him or not. ai has a little distance on him because rin is a fucking coward. and he doesn't quite know where to look. maybe vending machines should have been the first place because...well. isn't this where some of this began? right in front of a vending machine? rin remembers ai's wide eyed expression, something he's only seen once since--
he remembers the gentle fingertips wrapped around his own hand, completely uncaring of what might transpire to him. only caring about the fact that rin might hurt himself further. there's a sting in the corner of his eyes, that shame welling and bubbling over the surface. oh how he hates himself.
and eventually maybe he does find ai by the vending machine. maybe it takes him some time. or maybe he doesn't but...god does he try. even texting sousuke, asking him that so stupid question. one he hates for asking. because he as a good friend should always know where ai is right? have you seen ai?]
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Date: 2026-01-10 05:02 am (UTC)Because the alternative was breaking down in front of his roommates and having to feel the overwhelming and crushing guilt of not being able to keep it together. When everyone else is crumbling-- when Rin is, and intentionally or not relies on Ai to be stalwart, and secure, and stable. And it was easier to be those things when he and Rin had a lifetime's worth of grey area between them. But as more grey matter is given name, as more shadows are brought to light, as more of what Ai has tried so god damn hard to keep under strict lock and key is dragged out into the waking world, so too do the threads at his seams begin to give. Pathetic. Useless. Words that pummel his mind, up until he thinks he hears footfalls approaching.
Can't you take a hint? It's such a cruel thing to think, but it is the first thought that crosses his mind, because there is only one person who could be barreling down the hall that fast. He'd actually put thought into this outfit, too - a clean white crewneck sweater, light blue baggy jeans cropped at the ankles. Now he's using the cuff of his sleeve and the hem of his sweater to stay his tears and the mess on his face in record time, blotting the fabric damp.
He is, at the very least, a pretty crier. There is no blubbering here, no snot, and record speed at regaining composure. Even if his eyes and nose, reddened and puffy, give him away.
Red hair nearly zooms past, and Ai just stands patiently in the outcove, the rumble of the vending and ice machines an appropriate backdrop, he thinks. They synchronize and harmonize with the cacophony in his head pretty damn well.
... But he won't look Rin in the eye. If he had known Rin would give chase, he wouldn't have ran to begin with. Ai tries to quietly and subtly pull in a breath to steel himself, though it comes up shaky.]
Why are you running? [No sense in hiding, though Ai's gaze averts away. He keeps his head turned, and dabs the corner of his eye with the edge of his sleeve.] I'm right where I said I'd be. I just need a minute.
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Date: 2026-01-15 03:24 am (UTC)...rin really has been blind to all this over the years.
he bites his lip, shifting his gaze towards the floor. it's a vile feeling sometimes, to have someone finding you crying. he knows it all too well. and now that guilt just floods over him in waves. ai's right, he did say where he would be didn't he? isn't it obvious that rin just stormed into a private moment as he so often does? he tries to offset the feeling by rubbing the back of his neck. but...]
Guess I followed you because--
[it's inappropriate timing maybe. the way rin laughs. but it's a soft thing, maybe laced together with the faintest undertone of bitterness and a self deprecating tone]
Had to make sure you weren't being stupid. What was it you said?
[rin tries so hard to keep the mood light, do something stupid or say something kind or equally dumb to put a smile back on his roommate's face. so he tries to shift his gaze to meet ai's]
'You're too young to die'.
[not that he seriously thinks ai was going to kill himself. but it's a little callback to when the world didn't seem so big outside the confines of their all too small dorm room. rin sighs. he can't keep the mood light forever, and takes a step back to keep more of his weight on his leg]
...is this going to be too hard?
[rin doesn't specify. which might be a crime of itself, but he hopes it's obvious. this rooming situation with haru]
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Date: 2026-01-15 03:39 am (UTC)Though, perceptive ears will hear a watery titter. Ai recognizes that call back to such an outrageous fret he'd declared so many years ago. He's honestly surprised Rin remembers.]
You need to have more faith in me than that.
[What really kills him is Rin's consideration that follows thereafter. Ai wishes he'd swallow the words. And something bubbles up in him, which is dangerous. The first time he'd felt this, it resulted in shattered mugs and mistakes. The second time, it wound up with him collapsed on the floor. But it's almost an impetus, instinct mercilessly prying his lips open where his self-control otherwise wouldn't want it to.
He realizes it's cowardice, saying it with his back turned. He's already lowly, what's one step lower?]
I should be asking you that. Right?
[Ai straightens his shoulders. Hands calm at his sides. Blinks his eyelashes furiously to try and stay his tears on his own.]
I don't understand why you hesitate. The way you scowl when you think eyes are on you, and the way you soften when you don't. I said it at that time, didn't I?
[I know what yearning looks like. The silence that follows has his shoulders stiffening, and his head held just a little higher. His voice, too calm. Resolute.]
Nanase-san has been waiting for you. You've spent too much time running, Rin-senpai. So I'll tell you the same thing I told him: if you talked with him, you wouldn't regret it.
[Ah. So, this is it.]
...
If you do that much, it won't be so hard.
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Date: 2026-01-15 03:54 am (UTC)[rin scoffs. but then, really. given everything that's happened. ai has every reason to doubt rin's faith in him. isn't it interesting? how the events of just a few months can change your whole trajectory? from relationships to bonds and how even the public perceives them. he cycles back from that statement, keeping his distance, giving ai his space.
because he's even failed in that in every regard apparently.
unfortunately, the topic slips back into familiar territory. the thing he's been avoiding all along. he'll never be able to escape the observant nature of aiichirou nitori, will he? that's never been in the cards. not the whole time they've been together
and apart.or maybe it's because rin hates being lumped into something so simple so easily. something he's never been able to shake since high school, apparently. and that self inflicted disgust continues to build. until it manifests as an echo; the shattering of porcelain breaking over and over again on the tile. something he doesn't think he'll be able to escape for as long as he lives]
You know what talking means.
[i know what that means. he thinks to himself quickly. the way he's jerked away time and time again. thirty minutes ago in his own bed, last night at the door. if coward had a picture in the dictionary, the face of rin matsuoka would be slathered all over the pages.
he can't help the recoil of disgust he feels when he feels his lip tremor, and his own eyes sting in turn. because rin settles on a bitter realization]
So what happens then?
[spoken aloud without much thought, a rhetorical more than anything. he doesn't expect ai to answer because he doesn't know what is fair to even expect. it's unfair of him to be saying it at all, like he's pinning the weight of it on his roommate. so he tries to backpedal to save face]
I--just. I'm tired of hurting you.
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Date: 2026-01-15 04:07 am (UTC)Maybe he will go out tonight. Alone. Maybe he'll get sloshed, weep on someone's shoulder, beg Sousuke to say I told you so in a flagellation ritual, and have such a haggard night getting it all out of his system he doesn't even come back to the hotel room. Maybe all he has to do is purge himself from the inside out. And then he can reinvent himself for the umpteenth time, this time without a core, and with a space to finally let it heal.]
That's not true at all.
[Ai has always been prime among Rin's company to give him harsh truths, right now is no different. Wanting to drive this home, Ai finally turns to face Rin, the calm of his expression only cut by the deep, furrowed line of his eyebrows and the persistent, wet flush lining his eyes and nose. He's not going to let Rin weasel out of it, so he continues, tone so even he may as well be describing the weather,]
You're tired of your inaction being punished. It isn't me, it never was. I could be anyone else, and you'd feel the exact same.
[Third best. He should have trusted his gut all those months ago. Hope was never his friend. There is a timeline somewhere where Ai kept it all under tight lock and key, and Rin never had reason to suspect, and they could have continued in their lanes neatly. Ai could have continued licking his own wounds, rather than bleeding through his clothing in plain sight.
Ai sets his jaw where it threatens to tremble and build up this stalwart disposition he's managed, leveling Rin with a hard, unrelenting gaze.]
Of course I know what talking means. And so do you. It means we can all start moving on.
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Date: 2026-01-15 04:20 am (UTC)a hundred different scenarios and roads he could take from this point.
...each one feeling worse than the last.
he inhales. exhales. rin's forced to face it, and it manifests as cloudy skies--all the sun and light obscured by the thick fog. such a dim, dreary blue that once seemed so bright, too bright under the scorch of crimson. rin's throat feels tight.
sometimes things have to be laid out frank in life. even when it seems too difficult to bear. and most of the time it needs to come from the right person. because if that voice isn't loud enough, why would anyone choose to listen? if the stakes weren't high enough, why bother at all? he tries to say something, anything. but each word dies on his tongue, his lips parted uselessly. months prior, everything seemed fine. all those sunny days getting to know each other again. a shimmer in their gazes, the fond teases exchanged easily without much thought behind them.
but that's just the problem with precious, delicate things. even after they break, even if you glue back every shard, there will always be those cracks. the structure will always be compromised.
and so. all rin can do when that gaze continues to level with him is reach forward, brushing the back of his hand across that sickeningly tear streaked cheek. at least shouldering some of the burden. rin may not be worth much in this world anymore, but at least he can try to wipe away some of the mess he's caused]
...okay.
[after all. what else is there to say?]
no subject
Date: 2026-01-15 04:27 am (UTC)... And then Ai does the thing he should have done so long ago. His shaking hand betrays him, but hie intent is clear: he softly takes hold of Rin's wrist, and moves it away from his face. In that instant, his bottom lip threatens to give way, a second wave of fresh tears hot behind his eyes. Ai does them both the favour of staying them.
And then swallows. And then blurts out, a thought formed not in his head but on his tongue,]
I need to hear you say it. That I never stood a chance.
[His expression hardens.]
And then we can go back to normal.
no subject
Date: 2026-01-15 04:46 am (UTC)but unfortunately, it's a monster of rin matsuoka's own making. leaning into impulsiveness and inconsideration has led him down this road. but it's what he deserves, right? after all, how much pain has he inflicted onto others, even if just simply by existing? his own existence is what shoehorned his dad's death after all. his dad could have gone to the olympics. and then he had to come along, and the storm of it all and--]
...don't make me say it.
[his voice shakes, suddenly so small in a too small hallway. he tries, but nothing comes out. all he can see is that fresh glint in ai's eyes. the ones that signal the dam just about to burst. too much mud and clay packed into a weak and shaky structure. ah, but that's not ai either is it? he's always been strong. it's impressive he's made it so far with everything he's endured. his endurance really is one for the record books, isn't it?
he tries again. and nothing comes out.
because he doesn't quite know if that's true. if haruka fucking nanase had never been in the equation, wouldn't things be different? or would rin's temper and tenacity at ruining everything precious eventually win out? he knows the answer deep down, but it feels so hollow all the same. what would normal look like?
what can normal look like now..?
all the shades of blue that have shaped him throughout the years. and even when they've bled through, it always--]
no subject
Date: 2026-01-15 04:57 am (UTC)It's a cruel thought to have. That if Haruka were the one to ask, would Rin jump at the chance to fulfill his wish? Even now, Ai feels an afterthought. Rin's guilt is aimless, and Ai is feeling the weight of that.
So, he does what he does best. Continues to keep that facade pinned to his face, where Rin's threatens to crack and shatter. And presses, because Ai sees a way out, sees a way for Rin to be happy, to smile, and they won't get there if Rin keeps running.
Deep breath in. Quiet, long exhale out.]
Once you do, you can stop feeling guilty. There'd be nothing left to feel bad about. You can stop looking at me with pity in your eyes.
[Far too pragmatic, almost sterile delivery when the topic is the deep, unrelenting, strangling love he has held in his heart for the past five, almost six years. It's evident he's split himself in twain; compartmentalizing to try and see this through to the end.]
And then, I can stop wondering what if. I can ignore the hope that's gotten me in trouble too many times. It's a net-positive.
[A thick swallow around no thing. There is a leaden weight on the back of his tongue, a sting up the entirety of his vocal cavity.]
Please.
no subject
Date: 2026-01-17 04:51 pm (UTC)maybe the guilt is something that will always be there. it has been for a long time now. flaring and ebbing, yet always lingering. there's something oddly satisfying in the way the body seeks out further hurt when the ache is already present. rin can almost taste the way the hurt wells in ai's throat, lacing the undertone of his plea.
his own throat works around nothing. it feels like the words are knotted up in his throat, throbbing in a way they might never escape. but he can't. how much has he taken from ai, and how much has he paid back? shouldn't something like this be easy enough? his lips part, and something bordering a sob slips out instead. his own eyes stinging, that fresh sting welling in the corners and slowly dribbling over]
Do you hate me?
[he blurts out instead, his own weakness and hollowness spilling over the seams. he knows the answer, but he just wants...just like ai has to hear this one thing from rin. so too does rin need his own verification]
...for everything I put you through?
[everything hurts. a giant mess of tangled nerves and feelings that he can't quite vocalize. just another selfish request. rin thinks maybe it's a lie. if it wasn't for the ocean, then maybe--]
...
[he tries to choke it out. he's near doubled over, pulling his hand back to rip against the fabric over his chest. like that would do something to aid in all of this. it doesn't. if anything it makes it worse]
...
[he tries again. rin is well aware of his selfishness. how ai rarely has asked anything of him over the years. and even just a simple request such as that--rin fails at. so miserably. like everything else. it's not the hope that's gotten ai in trouble so much. it's rin. it's always been him. he knows because he stares in the mirror every morning, and that thought creeps into the back of his mind.
it's still you.]
...you never stood a chance.
[it tastes like the biggest lie he's ever spat out. there's no way to know if there was ever any truth behind it. rin's been all too content with putting ai at the back of mind for other
peoplethings over the years. there's no way it could have ever ended peacefully, even if an attempt had been made. maybe in another verse, and not one where rin is dimly aware that haru watched him run out after ai. and isn't that just what he's best at?running.]
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Date: 2026-01-17 06:11 pm (UTC)Often, metamorphosis was the catalyst for positive change. A caterpillar liquefies into a beautiful butterfly. Coal pulverizes itself into diamonds. But this metamorphosis feels nowhere near as poetic, or kind. If only love could metamorphize into hate; maybe that would have made this all so much easier. If Ai even had the capacity in him to think a single inflammatory thing about Rin, such that he felt it at his core. Maybe then, letting go would be so much easier.
Ai only shakes his head, and presses the knuckle of his pinky to the corner of his eye. His answer an obvious one,]
I could never.
[I'm sorry. Would that he could metamorphize into hate. There will be no catharsis; there will be no place to point and blame and use as a means of getting it all out. There is no metamorphosis. That would imply a continued chapter of living. This is, instead, a death. His love does not cocoon and promise to become a fond memory; it will not compound and pulverize him into a man who has a more certain trust center. It breaks, and shatters, and instead leaves nothing but shame and mortification in its wake. Embarrassed for having ever hoped; ashamed for having inconvenience Rin in such a dreadful way; mortified for having ever let it leave his chest.
Finally, after trying so very hard, Rin gets it out. His tone doesn't sound so sure of himself, and Ai is certain it's only because Rin doesn't want to make himself feel too guilty. How cruel is it, then, that instead of stoking a new bout of waterworks, Rin instead has left Ai with the only genuine smile he's managed to crack since leaving the room?]
Thank you. [Now it's dead.] You've set me free. [I don't know where to go from here.] You'll be a little happier, too. [You won't have to worry about forgetting about me anymore.
Ai leans against the wall. Funny, how when the mind is so potently suppressed, the body picks up its slack; he can't identify when his knees felt like they were starting to give out. His head is turned fully away from Rin, into the corner of the vending area. One arm is held across his body. Minimizing; disappearing.]
Sorry for the trouble I've caused. I promise it won't happen again.
no subject
Date: 2026-01-19 09:20 pm (UTC)i could never.
--and it falls slack against his side. even more does it take still to fight the urge to scream at ai. to shake him by his collar, and beg to know why. why doesn't he hate him? why is rin matsuoka, the one person who does everything wrong between them, not worthy of that feeling? but he remembers a not so distant past, when rin acted similarly and. well.
that was the fallout that precedent all of this, wasn't it? and so, the thought doesn't flit across his mind again. and he just stands there, and suffers alongside ai. carrying the heavy knowledge of messing all of this up. it wasn't like a dive he could right or a turn he fucked up that he could hope to make ground for. the damage was done. and it that smile of sincerity just opens his own waterworks instead.
rin doesn't think he'll be happier. misery and guilt go hand in hand, and rin is famous for carrying things lost past their prime. it's a talent, really. something that when he can't sleep in the middle of the night he pours over, inflicting those deep cuts and scars on his own psyche. so he tries to focus on that little thing, something ai says that rin...doesn't exactly believe. you've set me free. and so he tries. he'll try. if only to make up for all his own damage he's caused.
ai appears to shrink into himself further than when rin found him, and hesitantly...rin takes a step back. instead of closing that gap with violence or comfort like he so desperately wants to. or maybe it's to keep the tears streaming down his face from ai's view as he fixates on the carpet]
...don't.
[rin does manage to choke out however, his voice near shattering as it finally works its way out of his throat]
Don't you dare blame yourself.
[and he knows asking might be fruitless because this is ai. and rin knows all too well how it feels to carry those things. but]
We both know it wasn't your fault.
no subject
Date: 2026-01-19 09:43 pm (UTC)If only Ai could have internalized that sooner. A night ago, a couple months ago, five years ago. Maybe then, all of this could be avoided.
It is that exact line of thinking why Rin's attempts at downplaying Ai's obvious involvement as far as he sees it nearly make him angry, and have Ai whipping his gaze back to Rin. Taking him in, in his guilt. Regret? Ai couldn't fathom why; a part of him is bothered that Rin doesn't just take the free road paved for him already. Sitting here among wreckage. All while saying something like that-- Ai conjures enough strength to lean off the wall, drop his arms to his sides.]
I've had years to make it go away, yet I never did. [Ai's eyebrows fold; he's angry.] You've thought the same. How much easier it'd all be if not for--
[... His voice dies. Because even now, even now, with nothing left to even speak of, he can't give it a name. He pulls in a breath and tries again,]
-- if I had let it go. Because then you never would have ran away.
[The fury in his eyes die out immediately, memories of that evening washing over him like tar. He really should have gotten the hint, back then. In that moment. To his credit, he did try to put the bird back in its cage, lock it tight. Like a fool he kept choosing hope where its light peeked from the dimmest corners. If he's honest with himself, the heartbreak he will get over. But feeling so stupid, so ashamed-- those are the reasons his eyes can't linger on Rin's for much longer, casting down to the floor.
Was it worth it? Knowing you're not being met in the middle.
Even if it hurt. Even if I only got that feeling momentarily. It was fucking worth it.
Maybe I'm a coward after all.
The inevitability of it all, the hindsight that he should have trusted his gut makes the back of his eyes sting all over again. Stupid. Useless. Stupid.
Ai, suddenly a hypocrite, sways past Rin and into the mouth of the hallway.]
I'm going to get my phone and wallet.
[And lick his wounds, somewhere. He isn't sure where, but knows for damn sure plans are off for the night. Them being off, in fact, being the reason this all spiraled off the precipice to begin with. Which is more pathetic, going out on his own to barhop and avoid reality until he has no choice but to come back to the hotel at four am, or begging Sousuke to let him stay the night? Usually when he had to get it all out, in his adult age, he'd just go to the pool...
A horrible thought crosses his mind. I want to go home. How empty it all feels, without the back of maroon hair in front of him when he looks ahead. Ai's got a lot of thinking to do.]
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