[Ai's pulled on underwear and sleep shorts, and is about to do the same with a shirt when Rin begins reciting a passage. Ai of course listens intently, because it's Rin, and Ai's come to know how much these books of his mean to him. Ai felt it gave him a glimpse into Rin's psyche, both when he first moved in and now - and especially now, Ai finds it helpful.
... Or would, if he understood the words better. He finally pulls his shirt on - just a tad loose on him, and clearly well-loved - and moves to sit at his desk, plugging his phone in. Before settling in with a book of his own, nondescript with no markings on its spine, Ai turns his chair a little to look at Rin across the room. Shakes his head when he thinks he hears Rin apologize.]
What does it mean? [The passage, he means. In general, or to you?]
[he's not expecting ai to ask any follow ups on his unwarranted poetry slam, so rin just blinks back at him for a moment, before turning the page back to the passage he babbled off and squints for his spot. there. rin goes over it again once or twice, biting his lip]
A guy out at dusk, looking for something he's not even sure is there. Achy hands, rowing anyways. Feels a bit familiar huh?
[rin frowns, trying to think of how to word it]
Not even sure if there's anything in the water, chasing something you're not sure you'll catch. But you keep going. What else are you going to do yeah?
[training. chasing dreams that feel further away most days. mending relationships, without knowing if there's something to salvage. that rips a pang of fresh guilt through him, and he tries to shove it away. all the emotional exhaust of putting everything in, no guarantees of success or failure. rin bites his lip, trying to scoff and toss ai a skeptical glance across the room]
Not that I'm any literary genius or anything. You kinda always struck me more as that guy.
[Ai listens intently because anytime Rin divulges information on something he cares about, it's impossible for Ai not to. Even if Rin scoffs and bites his lip and tries to feign disinterest, Ai sees through the facade; maybe the passage itself was arbitrary, but the work it came from wasn't.
Arbitrary. Maybe not so much, once Rin puts it in a language Ai understands better. It makes his heart pang. Not in a way that was painful, reflective of the despair that has washed over him fourfold this day, but something different. More familiar, and tangible, and specific and close to home. The skeptical glance Rin tosses his way is met with an overly kind, almost rueful smile. Unstoppable force, immovable object.]
I see. [He cants his head to the side some,] That's the only option, isn't it? To keep rowing. [Almost as if he's imploring Rin on that one. I need you to trust me, too.] Don't need literary genius to decide that.
[rin flips the page with his thumb, letting his gaze travel along the next poem. a little less cryptic and depressing. he sighs, flipping it shut and putting the book on the arm of the couch for a bit. he doesn't want to reach much more tonight]
...or maybe you can always head back?
[it sounded smarter in his head, but. rin shakes his head, letting it tilt back against the back of the couch. he stares up at the ceiling instead, furrowing his brow]
But yeah. Guess not.
[he sighs, stretching his arms up, stretching out his fingertips. exhaustion is finally tugging at him. he tilts his head a little, looking over at ai. he doesn't think he can even stand long enough to shower tonight]
There's some tea on the counter for you. Might be cool enough now.
[he slides off the couch, pressing his palm into his forehead as he hobbles over to his futon. he's contemplative, before he clicks his tongue and peels his pants off, left only in his boxers and tank. ai was the one who said don't act different don't act different, rin is trying but]
[Ai reminds himself they're talking about the poetry and nothing else, and Rin's suggestion is just idle postulation and not. Well. Something else. All the same, he can't help the momentary pang in his chest, leading his eyes away from Rin and somewhat absently toward his bed instead.]
Maybe in practice, but that's not a very good lesson to write into a book. [And he'd put money on it being an option neither of the two of them would be keen on taking, circumstance notwithstanding.
He blinks when Rin makes note of the tea; Ai hadn't gone anywhere near the kitchen after his shower, so hadn't noticed. The gesture is sweet enough and thoughtful enough and familiar enough that it has a pleasant warmth kissing just the highs of his cheeks, and a smile threatening his lips.
His memory makes his heart lurch and drop-kick a second time. He blinks, and for a flash, his eyebrows knit.
But determined not to undermine Rin's efforts, and a part of him still happy and surprised in a way he can only describe as traitorous, his genuine smile remains on his lips as he gets up from his desk, stretches, and begins padding over toward the countertop.]
That was thoughtful of you, Rin-senpai. You didn't have to. [His eye flit over Rin just long enough to watch his pants fly off, and then suddenly the mug is the most interesting thing in the world. Ai stands with his back to Rin in order to pluck it off the countertop, giving Rin a modicum of privacy and Ai a moment to inhale its aroma, take a shallow sip, and mentally scold himself for somehow having the capacity to want to indulge things at all when, for all intents and purposes, the porcelain was still scattered around him.
He realizes it's his favourite, and it's honestly a little pathetic how quickly it sucks the air from his lungs.
Such a small gesture has erupted inside of him far too many emotions to want to sort through, and if Rin is looking he will see that frigid disposition is suddenly melted; there's presently just too much of him to be able to filter it all. A gratitude, a warmth, a blossom of something else; a guilt, a worry, a despair. Ai begins to slowly pad back over to his end of the apartment, mug huddled close to his lips, and pauses beside Rin's futon to look down to him with a gratitude wrought into the wrinkles beside his eyes.]
Thank you. [For the first time since the early afternoon, a mirth kisses his countenance.] I'll have to find a way to even the score, though. And you're not allowed to complain about it when I do. [Something small, something thoughtful. He will choose to surprise Rin another day, but it will happen.]
Yeah. Not that Nakahara was really looking to sell books or anything. Just drink and beat people up.
[he laughs a little, flopping down onto the futon with a grunt, letting his body melt into it for a moment. exhaustion finally creeps onto him, the exertion of the day--the highs and the lows--all settling in fully. his cheek is against the pillow, as he sighs, burying his face into it for a moment before shifting.
he shrugs off the praise, thanks, whatever it is ai is trying to convey. it's nothing. the least he can do after everything that has happened today]
It's fine. I was antsy, anyways.
[he grabs his own phone, plugging it into the charger and rolling over to stare pointedly at the wall for a few beats. he's trying not to look at ai too much. rin doesn't deserve to let his gaze settle on ai more than necessary after everything he's done after all. so the tea, the dishes... the little things he can do to make up for it in the grand scheme of things.
he makes a hand gesture at ai, even with his back turned, grunting out some response]
Whatever. I'll still bitch. Can't stop that from happening, right?
[It isn't as if Ai keeps explicit count of when Rin is or isn't looking at him - just that Rin's gaze often tends to settle upon him heavily, like a sixth sense. He feels it as he walks away, but given the events of the day, chalks it up to Rin being in some type of contemplative mood. This paired with the tea... What is it that's worrying you, senpai?
Ai worries if he asks a third time, he might very well and truly expend what little patience Rin might still have reserved for him.
It's hard to tell, where that half-standoffish, half-trying too hard energy is coming from, but Ai also worries that if he spends too much time trying to dissect it, he'll spin his own wheels down to dust. He continues back to his desk, settling down into his chair carefully, taking another sip from the mug before placing it down and facing the little book again.]
Of course not. [Pencil in hand, and he opens the spine to where he had been before he'd gotten up. Rin can't see it, but Ai's still wearing that cozy little smile.] But no matter how much you whine, I know you'll accept it anyway.
[That familiarity again. Normalcy. Right now it felt foreign, and thus felt jarring, even if it was what Ai craved after how off-balance he'd thrown the both of them. It has him slightly beside himself - has his pulse just a smidge high. But knowing overthinking is the enemy, chooses to focus it on what he's writing instead.]
[rin bites out into his pillow, burying his face into it. there's some incense, the fragrance of the detergent ai uses that lulls rin into a stupor. maybe it's lavender, or maybe it's just the overwhelming calm that only a person like ai's presence can bring onto him.
rin sighs, trying to will his eyes to slip shut, stay asleep. something. anything. it's all he can do to bite back the stupid wails that threaten to bubble upwards once more. all the useless and faint apologies dying on his tongue second after second. one hand fists the blanket below him, curling to an aching point.
but of course. that ever present mask. the one that's so easy to slip on. rin tosses a final glance over his shoulder, forcing his fingers to lax and let go of the sheets. he's already ruined something in ai's house. he can't bear the thought of shattering even more porcelain]
Gonna try to sleep. Night.
[and dimly rin recollects the way nights used to be. ai's head hanging from the top bunk, all too formal as he bid rin goodnight and sweet dreams. things rin never had that year...
he pulls the blanket over his head, curling in on himself]
[He pauses where he scribes to toss a little look over his shoulder, as if to take in one final measure of Rin before Ai thinks he loses him until morning. There's even a pause here, too, as if trying to compose something specific.]
Rest well, senpai. You deserve it.
[Because he did. Even if Rin can't cut through the fog yet - Ai himself struggles to, too. But where Ai often fails to tackle his own worries, he has always been penchant and professional at trying to tackle Rin's. Even if he couldn't fix them - and he usually couldn't, often coming a friendship too short. But if it's the last thing he can do before this day is well and truly behind them, Ai wants to leave at least a little bit of proof that good happened, too. Incredible qualifying times. Reconnection. Family.
Though he knows Rin doesn't mind, Ai still turns down the light on his desk lamp.
5:30am - wake up 5:55am - text Sousuke-senpai 6:10am - drive to natatorium 6:45am - arrive 7:30am - Free 100m, Rin-senpai qualifies! 7:42am -
He remembers the exact time, because he had just looked at the wall clock before deep ocean blue and cool black had taken his periphery. He stares down at the blank line, graphite hovering uncomfortably above it but he just cannot will his wrist to move. Ai drops his pencil, presses his palms against his eyes. A breath in, a breath out. Shuts the light, closes his journal, and wordlessly climbs into his bed. At first turns to face the window, away from the room - away from Rin.
He is met with the oppressive, insulting countenance and reminder of a simpler time in the form of an overpriced duck plush.
He turns over; for once, Ai faces the apartment as he pulls his sheets higher and all but wrings his eyes closed, as if he could just force himself to sleep. As if he could become the world's biggest hypocrite and force this entire day behind him, sleep an impossibly good sleep, dream a world where he is standing in the bottom of a pool and the sun is filtering through its surface, and wake up a better person.]
his night is fraught with tossing and turning. he's obnoxiously caught up with the highs and lows of the days, bubbling away in his head. there's a few jolt-awake dreams sprinkled in there, and finally, with bags under his eyes, he looks at his phone. 4 fucking am. only an hour off from when he would normally be awake anyways.
he spares a glance over at ai's side of the room, wondering if he's gotten off any easier. probably not. it's tempting to go jog, work out all his frustrations in the physical sense. but his leg smarts a little, and he hears rain pitter pattering on the window. not much, but enough to dissuade him from his usual coping mechanism.
rin scoffs under his breath, dragging himself out of bed. he rubs his face with the back of his hand, and grabs his phone before crawling off into the shower. the next best place to disassociate. the hot water is everything he needs, pulling him out of his head, into a sleepier state of mind. his body isn't as numb with exhaustion as he wants though.
...which is why he starts thinking of shades of blue, pressing his hand between his legs.
it only takes a minute or two, finally his body following suit into that slip of mental exhaustion. rin fumbles to turn the water off, barely able to discern left from right as he dries off half-heartedly, pulling his clothes back on and crawling back towards his futon. he casts a bleary look towards ai's bed, before he lays down, pulling the sheets back over him and letting sleep tug at his senses. at long last]
Every now and again he manages to barely kiss the shallow surface of sleep, but like a great mirror to reality, something else tears it away from him. The rain on the window; his own thoughts; Rin, shuffling across the apartment.
Ai hears the water turn on and stares at the closed bathroom door for just a second too long. Knows better than to speculate on Rin's business though Ai could guess.
He didn't set an alarm and knew he wouldn't; whether win or lose, he knew he'd need a day to recover after the All-Japan. He does however have other tasks to take care of, thinking up a resignation letter for his part-time job prime among them. Of all things, workshopping this in his head is what finally gets him to fall asleep, staying asleep for at least another three hours until at roughly seven AM the sun is soaking through the windows and not so much kissing his face as punching it, serving as a good enough wake-up call as any.
He sure as hell doesn't feel rested at all, but when has that ever stopped him? Ai sits up with a small groan, gives an all-body stretch,
cannot help but look toward Rin's futon, pausing in front of his bed to do so.
-- and then pads into the bathroom, sink water running.]
[seven am comes, and rin begins to stir when he hears the sink turn on. he blinks the sleep from his eyes, feeling like he just woke up from some sort of fever dream. three hours feels like nothing, but he must have hit rem pretty hard.
rin groans, sitting up a little. he looks around the apartment, like he can't remember where he is for a moment.
finally it hits him. the day before, the night before. he shoves his face into his pillow with a groan. rin fucking hates it. he hates everything he did the night before, the week before, whenever the fuck that thing happened. rin kicks his sheets off of himself, slapping his face a bit.
no. nope. not doing this.
he hoists himself up, still just clad in a tank and his boxers. he glances over at his pajama pants laying haphazardly next to his futon. before he shoves the idea aside. don't treat me any different. ugh. right. he forgoes the pants, wandering into the kitchen and starting to boil some water.
caffeine. ideally he'd inject it straight into his veins, but he doesn't. just washes out the cup ai used the night before, and setting out a clean one for himself. it's not coffee, but it's something to kickstart their system. rin thinks to himself no more coffee from ai's place after a jog.
yeah. a lot is changing.
he pushes his hand through his hair, trying to tame it in some form]
[Over the stream of the sink and the sound of his toothbrush rattling his skull gently, Ai can hear Rin beginning to shuffle about in the heart of the apartment, too. Seems Ai woke him up - it was bound to happen.
Even when they first roomed together in high school, if one of them woke up earlier than either of their given alarms, it was often the case the other would follow soon after. Back then, it felt natural even. Ai can think of countless mornings where Rin would be the first to wake, which would stir Ai, and can recall with simplicity the warmth he'd feel in his chest when Rin would wordlessly wait at their front door, running shoes on. Or the times Ai had stirred first, and by the time he emerged from the restroom, Rin would be awake and almost always leveling Ai with a strong crimson gaze.
He's so familiar with it, can etch Rin's contemplative, far away, tired, disarmed expression with ease. So why is its prospect now so unnerving?
He spits in the sink, washes his face. Tells himself that if he's honest, nothing has really changed. There's just not much hiding under the surface anymore. You were an idiot to think that'd last; senpai is smarter than that. Breath in, breath out--]
Rin-senpai, good morning. [It's a familiar chirp to pair with a familiar mask. Where Rin is apparently gnashing his teeth, Ai almost seems intent on forcing the day to bend to his will of normalcy. Hell or high water, it was going to be a fine, average, forgettable day.] Sorry if I woke you. The rain last night was something, wasn't it? Made it difficult to sleep...
[Prattle, buff, ignore. He shuffles toward the kitchen, stopping short of the mouth.] I was going to run to the store quickly in a little bit if you needed anything.
[rin stiffens under ai's words, a visible tenseness coating his features. had he been loud in the bathroom? rin didn't think he had any nightmares during the rain. that would have required sleep and his mind on the ocean instead of on the giant mess he's left behind for them.
he tries to shove the thought away, adopting any normal everyday attitude he might have about the matter. and probably failing miserably at that]
Uh, yeah. Sorry if I woke you up with my shower...
[he rubs the back of his neck, his nails practically digging into the skin, panic flooding him. he tries to bite it down. for god's sake ai has had his dick in his ass before. jacking off because he couldn't sleep should hardly be at the forefront of rin's mind. but still. he swallows, pushing some tea towards ai]
Nah, I'm good. I might run out and get a few things later. Thanks.
[that's short for i don't know what i want or need at the store and don't want to sound like a fucking idiot trying to babble off random things. rin lets his gaze trail to the sink]
[It speaks to the type of minutiae they both somehow focus on, parallel yet distinct from one another. While Ai had his suspicions about what Rin's three minute shower might've entailed, it hardly bothered Ai. What worries him instead is the way Rin's tension seems to calcify on itself every other sentence, and Ai can't figure out why.
Guilt, maybe? But they've roomed together before, and Ai has overheard worse. Rin's probably caught him once or twice too, not that Ai would ever admit it unless pressed about it, but it was awfully difficult to keep a top bunk from squeaking.
A different kind of guilt, then. Perhaps. I can wager a guess who he had in mind. Ai is grabbing the mug and taking a too long sip before he can let a single thought ruin the tempering he's done to his wherewithal today. He straightens his back a little.]
I was already up. [Which is definitely not the answer Rin was looking for, and the expression kissing Ai's eyes is closer to mischievous than it is pensive. Maybe if things hadn't become so strained, maybe if Ai could step one foot out of reality, he'd even toss Rin a quip about it. But everything seems to toe too closely to opening barely repaired wounds, and so instead Ai disengages.]
You should try to relax if you can. [Ai still has Rin's leg on his mind, and top of his list were some lidocaine patches if he could find them. He takes another sip of his tea, an appreciative gaze belied by just a touch too much vulnerability tossed Rin's way before Ai is setting off back toward his bed to change into day clothes.] Ah, maybe the web portal has official times posted already.
[it's the expression that catches him off guard. but he tries to shove the implications of it away.
relaxing is the last thing he wants to do, can do. every nerve in his system is firing off at some capacity. guilt, anticipation, overstimulation(??), probably twenty other things coupled in equally. rin swallows, trying to take ai at face value instead of reading into things too much. like he has any right to try to understand him]
No promises.
relaxing that is. it seems like the farthest thing he's capable of currently. he watches ai drift off to the other end of the room, rin trying to chug down still too hot tea with a cough]
Matsuoka - ties with a world record, Nanase and then tanks miserably because of a charlie horse.
[he laughs awkwardly, setting his cup back down on the counter. he's trying to make a joke. he sucks at it evidently. he realizes this with a groan, biting his bottom lip]
...I swear that sounded funnier in my head. Sorry.
[and now apologizing like he has something else to be sorry for. he pinches the bridge of his nose, forcing in a deep inhale through his mouth]
Wonder when we'll get word of our training camps.
[not that rin is looking forward to being around mister eccentric coach for more than five seconds right now, but]
[It was something they had in common, and something that makes Ai a hypocrite. The last thing on his mind right now is taking it easy, either. The difference is he wasn't currently saddled with a sore muscle that nearly dragged him under, and could stand by his own hypocrisy on his own two feet; Rin, in Ai's opinion, needed to rest in order to limber up and get back to practice as soon as possible.
A button-down shirt, a pair of oversized knee-length culottes. About to pull on socks when he hears Rin's mock-dictation, and Ai knows he could go for low-hanging fruit and scold Rin for the self-deprecation, but.
Something else and something stronger wells in his chest, the part of himself he wishes he could kill.]
Tanking that bad just means your inevitable comeback will be all the more impressive. [and regardless of whether or not Rin's looking to catch his gaze, Ai's looking across the apartment to catch Rin's,] And anyway, it's difficult to forget that 100m free heat. You and Nanase-san both left something incredible behind in the water that afternoon.
[Can't even bring himself to be bitter at his own mention of someone else, because what he witnessed had just been that magical. A simper is tossed Rin's way at the apology, not that Ai thinks Rin needed to give it; he understood. How many times did Rin have to half-heartedly coach Ai through a bout of crushed self-esteem and worthlessness? This much they could give to each other in spades.
Phone, wallet, satchel. Ai bounds to the genkan to pull his shoes on.]
Soon, hopefully. I'll have to arrange for travel. [ah, the benefits of having a coach. That now makes two people in the room thinking of Ai's uncle with mild disdain.]
[rin isn't sure he agrees with the sentiment, but nevertheless he'll try to reciprocate to get ai off of his back. and maybe even put his own feelings in check regarding the whole matter. ai brings up haru, and that internalizes a little wince, one he so carefully disguises on the outside with a smile]
Ah, right. We'll do it again at Athens... do you think you'll try for the relay?
[a shift into something not about him, as he pauses to sip at his tea, trying to let the burn quell in his throat. it's probably still a little too hot to drink but. it's necessary right now. he watches ai get ready to leave]
I can help if you need? I've kind of done all my own plans... most of my life.
[he feels like such a loser, coming forth with such a pathetic offer. helping ai book his travel plans? what, is ai five or something? rin coughs into his tea for a moment, growling at the little singe on his tongue. okay, maybe he needs to chill out a little bit. he puts his cup back on the counter, straightening out and leaning against it.
his phone buzzes in his pocket, and he groans, squinting at the unknown number. he lets it go straight to voicemail hell, and sets his phone back on the counter]
I'll let you know if I need anything? Don't get mugged by any crazy fangirls out there.
Of course. More than breast, I. [want to do all in my power to swim with you. But Ai just cannot bring himself to get the words to roll off his tongue. Too soon, too much? It was his honest feelings, things so certain and clear he's never shied away from before, but. He's aware that the air at the moment is tenuous at best, and Rin likely doesn't need yet another reminder of how ardently, stupidly devoted Ai could be at times, and how this - swimming, aiming for a global stage - all started because of it. So intrinsically connected.
So it's only after a too-long pause he instead positions,] -- I want to push myself to accomplish something great, and to do it with the people I care about.
[For nearly tongue-tripping himself into a heart-attack, Ai rebounds quickly. Because there is something so stilted and stunted about what Rin says that nearly leaves him laughing. It was a jarring feeling; still so raw, yet something so human pulling him back to reality. Ai can see through the veneer, he thinks: whether guilt or restlessness because of the stress on his leg, Rin seems like he's digging for ways to make himself useful. It'd explain the tea last night, and this morning too. Well, despite everything, we're still friends. Of course he'd act just like this... Before reaching for the doorknob, Ai thinks on it for a moment.]
I have too. For swimming, anyway. Oh! But, Rin-senpai, I'll probably need help with my English soon. If we leave Japan, I can't rely on you the whole time. [His English had gotten better, but obviously Rin held the torch on that one - and with Athens such a close reality, it'd do them both some good to get some practice underway. And, Ai thinks with some pride, gives Rin something to abate those feelings a little...
He opens the door and is about to bound away when Rin says that, and Ai over-exasperatedly sighs.]
If they watched the broadcast, I definitely wasn't the person they were paying attention to...! [Love yourself, Aiichirou, you're a catch! With a small fluster he leaves.
Then comes back, opens the door, sticks his head in,]
I have nothing to steal, anyway!
[And then he's gone again, choosing to jog to the store rather than walk.]
[rin waves him off, and the door closes behind him. with that final motion, rin slumps against the counter, taking a few deep breaths.
he bites his lip, and dumps his tea down the sink, watching the steam twist from the drain with his own lips twisted in motion.
it's easy to let it out when he's alone. not that he has any room to talk. a freeloading good for nothing, right? he's tried, offering to pay ai for whatever he can. ai always has refuses. so rin takes it on himself to stock the fridge, buy dinner when he can, whatever he can. it never feels like it's enough. so he stares back at the apartment, and just does what he can.
he cleans every inch, organizes anything out of his place. it's reminiscent of when they were dorm mates. except this time it's less about being helpful, and more about an inner dialogue of worthlessness and disgust. rin doesn't even note the gentle cramps swelling in his leg every now and again. just swallows it down, continues down his path of usefulness. because if he can't even do this, what good is he?
he takes a moment to breathe, leaning back against the counter and catching his breath. his eyes glance over his phone. two more missed calls from the same number. a voicemail as well. rin groans, running his hand through his hair. mikhail did introduce him to some sponsors. he really needs to get over it, and funnel through his calls. answering the phone sucks, but. his finger brushes over his phone, playing the voicemail on speaker while he idles himself with reorganizing the fridge. he pulls out a container he can't even remember what it is with a grimace--]
Good morning, Matsuoka-san. This is Himari Sato, over at Number.
[rin blanks, staring back at his phone. number fucking magazine calling him? the sports issue? how did they even--]
A colleague and I have been preparing a piece on the qualifiers, and wanted to reach out to you directly before publication. This article touches on--
[rin swallows, turning around fully, taking in every word. touching on him and haru's near record breaking? him royally fucking up in front of one of the best swimmers in the world? something else entirely?]
--your performances, coupled with the interactions with a few of your teammates. Notably the visible marks noted on a few of you during the competition. And of course the subsequent failure in your final heat... Aiichiro Nitori, you're currently living with him yes?
[rin drops the fucking container, and it shatters against the floor]
There's also context regarding your relationship with him, and your coach. Before this goes live, we would love to give you the opportunity to clarify. You can call me back, or if you prefer a written statement, I would be happy to accept that as well. I understand the personal nature of some of the observations. But we wanted to give you a chance to present your side before public speculation begins. A response at your earliest convenience would be wonderful. We plan to finalize the article soon. I believe my colleague is reaching out to your roommate as we speak. Take care.
[for once in his life, rin is truly speechless. he is staring at his phone, arms dangling at his sides. his stomach drops. he's barely had the time to process anything, let alone anything like this. things don't scare rin. this does.
clarify his side? clarify what side? some fucking faded hickies? interactions with his teammates? why the fuck are these people contacting ai as well? nothing feels normal anymore. his heart is slamming against his ribs, and he feels like he's going to choke. bile curdles in the back of his throat and the room suddenly feels smaller. the walls slowly creaking inwards, inch by inch]
[Normalcy was dangerous. It was always, always precursor to something terrible.
Things had been far too normal and peaceful when Rin first arrived, and then-- that night. And the morning of the All-Japan had been normal and excitable, until exactly 7:42am.
This morning had been mostly normal. Walking to Matsumoto, Ai passes a few neighbours and their dogs on morning walks, coincidentally runs into one of his soon-to-be ex-coworkers, and idly wonders if Rin would want to accompany him to the pool later. Even if Rin couldn't swim, they could do aquatic calisthenics together to try and alleviate the stress in Rin's leg. He picks up lidocaine patches, a pair of compression socks, magnesium tablets, a pack of melon gummies on sale...
He only checks his phone when he's right down the block from their apartment, juggling it in the wedge of his shoulder. Four missed calls, all from the same unknown number? He dials into his voicemail and listens as he opens the door with his shoulder blade, both hands occupied,]
Rin-senpai, I'm--
Good morning, Nitori-san. This is Endoh Masami, field agent at Number ... ...
-- Back.
[He's turned to face the apartment, but is stuck like cement to the genkan. Eyes staring into blank space, wide and like a deer in headlights.
Ai drops the bag, feels his heart lurch up into his throat. Don't panic. Don't panic!! Right now, you absolutely have to be calm! Think of how Rin-senpai feels!!! Ah, this dream of his, there's no way that I could have possibly--?!
He looks into the apartment, trying to find if Rin's still there. The context of the message is similar: a request for a piece on the same topics, with a mention that Rin's also been contacted. Given this, Ai half-expects for Rin to have already bolted out of the apartment, but thank god he finally sees Rin in the kitchen. Ai grips his phone, white-knuckled.
Do something! Say something!! Move, Aiichirou!!
He toes off his shoes at record speed and comes to the mouth of the kitchen, looking at Rin with worry wrought in every single line of his countenance. Ai takes a deep, steeling breath.]
You got the same message. [One look at the way Rin's about to vomit, or run, or both is enough to tell him that.] Senpai, I.
[I'm so sorry. I got us into this mess. It's my fault.]
-- It's not as bad as it seems, is it? After all, we read stuff like this all the time, and we never think twice about it. [He's growing increasingly breathless, the more he tries to calm himself - the both of them - down.] It's--! It's just basic PR! Right? If we focus only on the swimming, there's not much they can do about the rest. Right?
...
Rin-senpai? [He reaches out, tries to touch Rin's arm. Needs to make sure he's listening.]
[in a normal scenario, under these circumstances, rin could be expected to respond one of two ways. one, with an explosive temper. it's a go to, especially during his second year at samezuka. his other coping mechanism is swallowing it all down, making himself as small and meek as possible in a desperate appeal. much akin to a slobbering, submissive dog.
except now, he can barely register ai is in front of him. barely feels the touch of ai grazing his arm. his gaze is just fixated on the broken container on the floor, the counter, something beyond that eerily calm voice reciting over and over in his head.
ai's voice feels like it's underwater. muted, and faded. so far away, rin can barely hear it. his lips are parted, but nothing comes out. is his lip trembling? he can't tell anymore.
what has he done?
his gaze finally settles on ai, still wide eyed and slack jawed. a million and one scenarios are running through his head. all settling on the same conclusion. this is all his fault. did he just. ruin both their careers? panic wells in him. the PR team for the fucking olympics won't like this sort of thing, right? there's no way...
rin hears his phone again, and he fucking jerks as he grabs it off the counter, squinting at his screen. there's two messages. one from ikuya, and one from haru. hey, i got a weird call from someone | are you ok? who is...
he wants to puke, and barely swallows it down as he lurches over the kitchen sink]
You... they know I fucking live with you, Ai. What the fuck?? How is that not bad?
[Ai is still dutifully beside Rin even as he steps deeper into the kitchen to catch himself haphazardly on the edge of the sink, and Ai rests a hand on his back. He tries to subtly kick away some of the porcelain with the side of his foot, only just now having noticed it; it'd be no good if either of them stepped on it, and Rin didn't seem exactly all there at the moment.
A familiar scene, in a way. Ai stalwartly ignores the way his gut tries to throttle itself.
He leans over some, trying to catch Rin's gaze. Can only begin to try and guess what's going through his head, but much as he's panicked too, Ai knows that nothing is accomplished if they're both spiraling. His hand, somewhat shaky, shifts to Rin's shoulder. He tries not to pay too much attention to the way Rin spits that out at him, as if living together is something to be ashamed of. As if Ai is something to be ashamed of.]
It's not bad because it's exactly how we met, too. We're two friends who are used to living with one another already. Is every man our age meant to afford Tokyo apartments on their own? Even Sousuke-senpai lives with someone. [He says it in a way as if he's trying to walk Rin through it all logically - as if to downplay all the potential ways it could be spun as anything other than exactly what it is. Something else does dawn on him, though.]
I'm just... Not sure how they got that information.
[Only them, Sousuke, Haruka, and Ikuya knew. Ai is hard-pressed to believe any of them had gone to the press with this between last night and this morning, leading Ai to the uncomfortable conclusion of--] Well.. The one who called me did say she's a field agent. There's no way they'd just send them to cold-case peoples' apartments, is there...?
[but that's just it. rin doesn't know. he doesn't know. okay yeah him and ai having some faded bruising on their necks and him tanking for no apparent reason doesn't look. great. but even then it would take a trained eye. and all this speculative nonsense conjured in the span of a single night? what kind of super human freaks are these journalists?
ai's touch is gentle, but rin stiffens under it regardless. he doesn't feel he deserves such kindness. it's not meant for something like them, someone who's going to get them all disqualified from the olympic team at this rate. his breath stutters, and he white knuckles the edges of the sink as he near dry heaves over it]
...so what do we do? Just sit on it? Ignore it?
[it's so tempting to call back, give them a piece of his fucking mind. but attacking the press, even verbally, isn't a good look because that's just another admission of guilt right? and rin knows he's guilty of it all. he bites his lip between the heaves. how is ai so calm? christ]
What if they fucking kick us off the team?
[it's so easy to fly straight into the worst case scenario. rin starts prattling off every which way]
If I fucking get you, us, anyone...kicked off the fucking team, jesus christ I.
[he literally doesn't know what he'll do. that panicked gaze peaks to the corner of his eye, settling on ai. he finally vocalizes]
[Ai's gut would be to ignore it. But something about the way Endoh-san had said it to him makes him worry; it sounded as if they were already planning to run a piece, and whether or not Rin and-or Ai chose to add their two cents was incidental. Ai knows Rin knows this, but also knows it's not exactly a great thing to spell out, yet still has to be said regardless. Ai's free hand runs through his hair for a moment; an oddly out of character attempt at stress relief.]
They're going to run a piece on us anyway. That much is out of our control. So we can either give statements and stand by what we say, or we can ignore it completely and endure it for a little while.
[He exhales silently, strongly, through his nose.]
I don't get why they'd come to us directly instead of going through at least your coach.
[Or even the Japan team's management, considering that would now be their umbrella. It hadn't even been long enough for any of that to be finalized.
Ai looks at Rin sternly, suddenly, when mentions of being kicked off the team are brought up. He grips Rin's shoulder strongly, imploring him with sky blue eyes.]
That won't happen. It absolutely won't. There's no league rules that have been broken. If the committee removed every athlete that had a hit piece, they'd have no one to swim for them at all.
[His hand grips Rin's jaw and cheek, now. A bold touch but one he feels is necessary; he leans closer, making sure Rin's purview is nothing but him.]
This isn't your fault, Rin-senpai.
[How are you so calm?? That determination wavers, for a moment. Ai leans back just a little, steeled expression replaced with a vulnerable simper.] I'm not. But I have no choice but to endure it, now. [A too-common sentiment, one he's only ever verbalized as words on a page... He takes in a slow breath, exhales it through his nose. Leans away to give Rin some space, but is looking to Rin's phone.] Did they try calling you again? [Ai didn't see what Rin had looked at, just that he had looked at all.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Date: 2025-08-11 05:18 pm (UTC)... Or would, if he understood the words better. He finally pulls his shirt on - just a tad loose on him, and clearly well-loved - and moves to sit at his desk, plugging his phone in. Before settling in with a book of his own, nondescript with no markings on its spine, Ai turns his chair a little to look at Rin across the room. Shakes his head when he thinks he hears Rin apologize.]
What does it mean? [The passage, he means. In general, or to you?]
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Date: 2025-08-12 12:06 am (UTC)A guy out at dusk, looking for something he's not even sure is there. Achy hands, rowing anyways. Feels a bit familiar huh?
[rin frowns, trying to think of how to word it]
Not even sure if there's anything in the water, chasing something you're not sure you'll catch. But you keep going. What else are you going to do yeah?
[training. chasing dreams that feel further away most days. mending relationships, without knowing if there's something to salvage. that rips a pang of fresh guilt through him, and he tries to shove it away. all the emotional exhaust of putting everything in, no guarantees of success or failure. rin bites his lip, trying to scoff and toss ai a skeptical glance across the room]
Not that I'm any literary genius or anything. You kinda always struck me more as that guy.
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Date: 2025-08-12 12:53 am (UTC)Arbitrary. Maybe not so much, once Rin puts it in a language Ai understands better. It makes his heart pang. Not in a way that was painful, reflective of the despair that has washed over him fourfold this day, but something different. More familiar, and tangible, and specific and close to home. The skeptical glance Rin tosses his way is met with an overly kind, almost rueful smile. Unstoppable force, immovable object.]
I see. [He cants his head to the side some,] That's the only option, isn't it? To keep rowing. [Almost as if he's imploring Rin on that one. I need you to trust me, too.] Don't need literary genius to decide that.
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Date: 2025-08-12 03:50 am (UTC)[rin flips the page with his thumb, letting his gaze travel along the next poem. a little less cryptic and depressing. he sighs, flipping it shut and putting the book on the arm of the couch for a bit. he doesn't want to reach much more tonight]
...or maybe you can always head back?
[it sounded smarter in his head, but. rin shakes his head, letting it tilt back against the back of the couch. he stares up at the ceiling instead, furrowing his brow]
But yeah. Guess not.
[he sighs, stretching his arms up, stretching out his fingertips. exhaustion is finally tugging at him. he tilts his head a little, looking over at ai. he doesn't think he can even stand long enough to shower tonight]
There's some tea on the counter for you. Might be cool enough now.
[he slides off the couch, pressing his palm into his forehead as he hobbles over to his futon. he's contemplative, before he clicks his tongue and peels his pants off, left only in his boxers and tank. ai was the one who said don't act different don't act different, rin is trying but]
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Date: 2025-08-12 04:12 am (UTC)Maybe in practice, but that's not a very good lesson to write into a book. [And he'd put money on it being an option neither of the two of them would be keen on taking, circumstance notwithstanding.
He blinks when Rin makes note of the tea; Ai hadn't gone anywhere near the kitchen after his shower, so hadn't noticed. The gesture is sweet enough and thoughtful enough and familiar enough that it has a pleasant warmth kissing just the highs of his cheeks, and a smile threatening his lips.
His memory makes his heart lurch and drop-kick a second time. He blinks, and for a flash, his eyebrows knit.
But determined not to undermine Rin's efforts, and a part of him still happy and surprised in a way he can only describe as traitorous, his genuine smile remains on his lips as he gets up from his desk, stretches, and begins padding over toward the countertop.]
That was thoughtful of you, Rin-senpai. You didn't have to. [His eye flit over Rin just long enough to watch his pants fly off, and then suddenly the mug is the most interesting thing in the world. Ai stands with his back to Rin in order to pluck it off the countertop, giving Rin a modicum of privacy and Ai a moment to inhale its aroma, take a shallow sip, and mentally scold himself for somehow having the capacity to want to indulge things at all when, for all intents and purposes, the porcelain was still scattered around him.
He realizes it's his favourite, and it's honestly a little pathetic how quickly it sucks the air from his lungs.
Such a small gesture has erupted inside of him far too many emotions to want to sort through, and if Rin is looking he will see that frigid disposition is suddenly melted; there's presently just too much of him to be able to filter it all. A gratitude, a warmth, a blossom of something else; a guilt, a worry, a despair. Ai begins to slowly pad back over to his end of the apartment, mug huddled close to his lips, and pauses beside Rin's futon to look down to him with a gratitude wrought into the wrinkles beside his eyes.]
Thank you. [For the first time since the early afternoon, a mirth kisses his countenance.] I'll have to find a way to even the score, though. And you're not allowed to complain about it when I do. [Something small, something thoughtful. He will choose to surprise Rin another day, but it will happen.]
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Date: 2025-08-13 02:16 am (UTC)[he laughs a little, flopping down onto the futon with a grunt, letting his body melt into it for a moment. exhaustion finally creeps onto him, the exertion of the day--the highs and the lows--all settling in fully. his cheek is against the pillow, as he sighs, burying his face into it for a moment before shifting.
he shrugs off the praise, thanks, whatever it is ai is trying to convey. it's nothing. the least he can do after everything that has happened today]
It's fine. I was antsy, anyways.
[he grabs his own phone, plugging it into the charger and rolling over to stare pointedly at the wall for a few beats. he's trying not to look at ai too much. rin doesn't deserve to let his gaze settle on ai more than necessary after everything he's done after all. so the tea, the dishes... the little things he can do to make up for it in the grand scheme of things.
he makes a hand gesture at ai, even with his back turned, grunting out some response]
Whatever. I'll still bitch. Can't stop that from happening, right?
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Date: 2025-08-13 03:14 am (UTC)Ai worries if he asks a third time, he might very well and truly expend what little patience Rin might still have reserved for him.
It's hard to tell, where that half-standoffish, half-trying too hard energy is coming from, but Ai also worries that if he spends too much time trying to dissect it, he'll spin his own wheels down to dust. He continues back to his desk, settling down into his chair carefully, taking another sip from the mug before placing it down and facing the little book again.]
Of course not. [Pencil in hand, and he opens the spine to where he had been before he'd gotten up. Rin can't see it, but Ai's still wearing that cozy little smile.] But no matter how much you whine, I know you'll accept it anyway.
[That familiarity again. Normalcy. Right now it felt foreign, and thus felt jarring, even if it was what Ai craved after how off-balance he'd thrown the both of them. It has him slightly beside himself - has his pulse just a smidge high. But knowing overthinking is the enemy, chooses to focus it on what he's writing instead.]
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Date: 2025-08-14 03:06 am (UTC)[rin bites out into his pillow, burying his face into it. there's some incense, the fragrance of the detergent ai uses that lulls rin into a stupor. maybe it's lavender, or maybe it's just the overwhelming calm that only a person like ai's presence can bring onto him.
rin sighs, trying to will his eyes to slip shut, stay asleep. something. anything. it's all he can do to bite back the stupid wails that threaten to bubble upwards once more. all the useless and faint apologies dying on his tongue second after second. one hand fists the blanket below him, curling to an aching point.
but of course. that ever present mask. the one that's so easy to slip on. rin tosses a final glance over his shoulder, forcing his fingers to lax and let go of the sheets. he's already ruined something in ai's house. he can't bear the thought of shattering even more porcelain]
Gonna try to sleep. Night.
[and dimly rin recollects the way nights used to be. ai's head hanging from the top bunk, all too formal as he bid rin goodnight and sweet dreams. things rin never had that year...
he pulls the blanket over his head, curling in on himself]
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Date: 2025-08-14 04:04 am (UTC)Rest well, senpai. You deserve it.
[Because he did. Even if Rin can't cut through the fog yet - Ai himself struggles to, too. But where Ai often fails to tackle his own worries, he has always been penchant and professional at trying to tackle Rin's. Even if he couldn't fix them - and he usually couldn't, often coming a friendship too short. But if it's the last thing he can do before this day is well and truly behind them, Ai wants to leave at least a little bit of proof that good happened, too. Incredible qualifying times. Reconnection. Family.
Though he knows Rin doesn't mind, Ai still turns down the light on his desk lamp.
5:30am - wake up
5:55am - text Sousuke-senpai
6:10am - drive to natatorium
6:45am - arrive
7:30am - Free 100m, Rin-senpai qualifies!
7:42am -
He remembers the exact time, because he had just looked at the wall clock before deep ocean blue and cool black had taken his periphery. He stares down at the blank line, graphite hovering uncomfortably above it but he just cannot will his wrist to move. Ai drops his pencil, presses his palms against his eyes. A breath in, a breath out. Shuts the light, closes his journal, and wordlessly climbs into his bed. At first turns to face the window, away from the room - away from Rin.
He is met with the oppressive, insulting countenance and reminder of a simpler time in the form of an overpriced duck plush.
He turns over; for once, Ai faces the apartment as he pulls his sheets higher and all but wrings his eyes closed, as if he could just force himself to sleep. As if he could become the world's biggest hypocrite and force this entire day behind him, sleep an impossibly good sleep, dream a world where he is standing in the bottom of a pool and the sun is filtering through its surface, and wake up a better person.]
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Date: 2025-08-14 12:05 pm (UTC)even blunter still, he barely sleeps at all.
his night is fraught with tossing and turning. he's obnoxiously caught up with the highs and lows of the days, bubbling away in his head. there's a few jolt-awake dreams sprinkled in there, and finally, with bags under his eyes, he looks at his phone. 4 fucking am. only an hour off from when he would normally be awake anyways.
he spares a glance over at ai's side of the room, wondering if he's gotten off any easier. probably not. it's tempting to go jog, work out all his frustrations in the physical sense. but his leg smarts a little, and he hears rain pitter pattering on the window. not much, but enough to dissuade him from his usual coping mechanism.
rin scoffs under his breath, dragging himself out of bed. he rubs his face with the back of his hand, and grabs his phone before crawling off into the shower. the next best place to disassociate. the hot water is everything he needs, pulling him out of his head, into a sleepier state of mind. his body isn't as numb with exhaustion as he wants though.
...which is why he starts thinking of shades of blue, pressing his hand between his legs.
it only takes a minute or two, finally his body following suit into that slip of mental exhaustion. rin fumbles to turn the water off, barely able to discern left from right as he dries off half-heartedly, pulling his clothes back on and crawling back towards his futon. he casts a bleary look towards ai's bed, before he lays down, pulling the sheets back over him and letting sleep tug at his senses. at long last]
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Date: 2025-08-14 02:34 pm (UTC)Every now and again he manages to barely kiss the shallow surface of sleep, but like a great mirror to reality, something else tears it away from him. The rain on the window; his own thoughts; Rin, shuffling across the apartment.
Ai hears the water turn on and stares at the closed bathroom door for just a second too long. Knows better than to speculate on Rin's business though Ai could guess.
He didn't set an alarm and knew he wouldn't; whether win or lose, he knew he'd need a day to recover after the All-Japan. He does however have other tasks to take care of, thinking up a resignation letter for his part-time job prime among them. Of all things, workshopping this in his head is what finally gets him to fall asleep, staying asleep for at least another three hours until at roughly seven AM the sun is soaking through the windows and not so much kissing his face as punching it, serving as a good enough wake-up call as any.
He sure as hell doesn't feel rested at all, but when has that ever stopped him? Ai sits up with a small groan, gives an all-body stretch,
cannot help but look toward Rin's futon, pausing in front of his bed to do so.
-- and then pads into the bathroom, sink water running.]
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Date: 2025-08-15 04:04 am (UTC)rin groans, sitting up a little. he looks around the apartment, like he can't remember where he is for a moment.
finally it hits him. the day before, the night before. he shoves his face into his pillow with a groan. rin fucking hates it. he hates everything he did the night before, the week before, whenever the fuck that thing happened. rin kicks his sheets off of himself, slapping his face a bit.
no. nope. not doing this.
he hoists himself up, still just clad in a tank and his boxers. he glances over at his pajama pants laying haphazardly next to his futon. before he shoves the idea aside. don't treat me any different. ugh. right. he forgoes the pants, wandering into the kitchen and starting to boil some water.
caffeine. ideally he'd inject it straight into his veins, but he doesn't. just washes out the cup ai used the night before, and setting out a clean one for himself. it's not coffee, but it's something to kickstart their system. rin thinks to himself no more coffee from ai's place after a jog.
yeah. a lot is changing.
he pushes his hand through his hair, trying to tame it in some form]
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Date: 2025-08-15 04:28 am (UTC)Even when they first roomed together in high school, if one of them woke up earlier than either of their given alarms, it was often the case the other would follow soon after. Back then, it felt natural even. Ai can think of countless mornings where Rin would be the first to wake, which would stir Ai, and can recall with simplicity the warmth he'd feel in his chest when Rin would wordlessly wait at their front door, running shoes on. Or the times Ai had stirred first, and by the time he emerged from the restroom, Rin would be awake and almost always leveling Ai with a strong crimson gaze.
He's so familiar with it, can etch Rin's contemplative, far away, tired, disarmed expression with ease. So why is its prospect now so unnerving?
He spits in the sink, washes his face. Tells himself that if he's honest, nothing has really changed. There's just not much hiding under the surface anymore. You were an idiot to think that'd last; senpai is smarter than that. Breath in, breath out--]
Rin-senpai, good morning. [It's a familiar chirp to pair with a familiar mask. Where Rin is apparently gnashing his teeth, Ai almost seems intent on forcing the day to bend to his will of normalcy. Hell or high water, it was going to be a fine, average, forgettable day.] Sorry if I woke you. The rain last night was something, wasn't it? Made it difficult to sleep...
[Prattle, buff, ignore. He shuffles toward the kitchen, stopping short of the mouth.] I was going to run to the store quickly in a little bit if you needed anything.
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Date: 2025-08-16 02:32 am (UTC)he tries to shove the thought away, adopting any normal everyday attitude he might have about the matter. and probably failing miserably at that]
Uh, yeah. Sorry if I woke you up with my shower...
[he rubs the back of his neck, his nails practically digging into the skin, panic flooding him. he tries to bite it down. for god's sake ai has had his dick in his ass before. jacking off because he couldn't sleep should hardly be at the forefront of rin's mind. but still. he swallows, pushing some tea towards ai]
Nah, I'm good. I might run out and get a few things later. Thanks.
[that's short for i don't know what i want or need at the store and don't want to sound like a fucking idiot trying to babble off random things. rin lets his gaze trail to the sink]
Anything I can do while you're gone?
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Date: 2025-08-16 02:53 am (UTC)Guilt, maybe? But they've roomed together before, and Ai has overheard worse. Rin's probably caught him once or twice too, not that Ai would ever admit it unless pressed about it, but it was awfully difficult to keep a top bunk from squeaking.
A different kind of guilt, then. Perhaps. I can wager a guess who he had in mind. Ai is grabbing the mug and taking a too long sip before he can let a single thought ruin the tempering he's done to his wherewithal today. He straightens his back a little.]
I was already up. [Which is definitely not the answer Rin was looking for, and the expression kissing Ai's eyes is closer to mischievous than it is pensive. Maybe if things hadn't become so strained, maybe if Ai could step one foot out of reality, he'd even toss Rin a quip about it. But everything seems to toe too closely to opening barely repaired wounds, and so instead Ai disengages.]
You should try to relax if you can. [Ai still has Rin's leg on his mind, and top of his list were some lidocaine patches if he could find them. He takes another sip of his tea, an appreciative gaze belied by just a touch too much vulnerability tossed Rin's way before Ai is setting off back toward his bed to change into day clothes.] Ah, maybe the web portal has official times posted already.
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Date: 2025-08-16 12:58 pm (UTC)relaxing is the last thing he wants to do, can do. every nerve in his system is firing off at some capacity. guilt, anticipation, overstimulation(??), probably twenty other things coupled in equally. rin swallows, trying to take ai at face value instead of reading into things too much. like he has any right to try to understand him]
No promises.
relaxing that is. it seems like the farthest thing he's capable of currently. he watches ai drift off to the other end of the room, rin trying to chug down still too hot tea with a cough]
Matsuoka - ties with a world record, Nanase and then tanks miserably because of a charlie horse.
[he laughs awkwardly, setting his cup back down on the counter. he's trying to make a joke. he sucks at it evidently. he realizes this with a groan, biting his bottom lip]
...I swear that sounded funnier in my head. Sorry.
[and now apologizing like he has something else to be sorry for. he pinches the bridge of his nose, forcing in a deep inhale through his mouth]
Wonder when we'll get word of our training camps.
[not that rin is looking forward to being around mister eccentric coach for more than five seconds right now, but]
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Date: 2025-08-16 02:04 pm (UTC)A button-down shirt, a pair of oversized knee-length culottes. About to pull on socks when he hears Rin's mock-dictation, and Ai knows he could go for low-hanging fruit and scold Rin for the self-deprecation, but.
Something else and something stronger wells in his chest, the part of himself he wishes he could kill.]
Tanking that bad just means your inevitable comeback will be all the more impressive. [and regardless of whether or not Rin's looking to catch his gaze, Ai's looking across the apartment to catch Rin's,] And anyway, it's difficult to forget that 100m free heat. You and Nanase-san both left something incredible behind in the water that afternoon.
[Can't even bring himself to be bitter at his own mention of someone else, because what he witnessed had just been that magical. A simper is tossed Rin's way at the apology, not that Ai thinks Rin needed to give it; he understood. How many times did Rin have to half-heartedly coach Ai through a bout of crushed self-esteem and worthlessness? This much they could give to each other in spades.
Phone, wallet, satchel. Ai bounds to the genkan to pull his shoes on.]
Soon, hopefully. I'll have to arrange for travel. [ah, the benefits of having a coach. That now makes two people in the room thinking of Ai's uncle with mild disdain.]
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Date: 2025-08-18 02:04 am (UTC)[rin isn't sure he agrees with the sentiment, but nevertheless he'll try to reciprocate to get ai off of his back. and maybe even put his own feelings in check regarding the whole matter. ai brings up haru, and that internalizes a little wince, one he so carefully disguises on the outside with a smile]
Ah, right. We'll do it again at Athens... do you think you'll try for the relay?
[a shift into something not about him, as he pauses to sip at his tea, trying to let the burn quell in his throat. it's probably still a little too hot to drink but. it's necessary right now. he watches ai get ready to leave]
I can help if you need? I've kind of done all my own plans... most of my life.
[he feels like such a loser, coming forth with such a pathetic offer. helping ai book his travel plans? what, is ai five or something? rin coughs into his tea for a moment, growling at the little singe on his tongue. okay, maybe he needs to chill out a little bit. he puts his cup back on the counter, straightening out and leaning against it.
his phone buzzes in his pocket, and he groans, squinting at the unknown number. he lets it go straight to voicemail hell, and sets his phone back on the counter]
I'll let you know if I need anything? Don't get mugged by any crazy fangirls out there.
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Date: 2025-08-18 02:37 am (UTC)So it's only after a too-long pause he instead positions,] -- I want to push myself to accomplish something great, and to do it with the people I care about.
[For nearly tongue-tripping himself into a heart-attack, Ai rebounds quickly. Because there is something so stilted and stunted about what Rin says that nearly leaves him laughing. It was a jarring feeling; still so raw, yet something so human pulling him back to reality. Ai can see through the veneer, he thinks: whether guilt or restlessness because of the stress on his leg, Rin seems like he's digging for ways to make himself useful. It'd explain the tea last night, and this morning too. Well, despite everything, we're still friends. Of course he'd act just like this... Before reaching for the doorknob, Ai thinks on it for a moment.]
I have too. For swimming, anyway. Oh! But, Rin-senpai, I'll probably need help with my English soon. If we leave Japan, I can't rely on you the whole time. [His English had gotten better, but obviously Rin held the torch on that one - and with Athens such a close reality, it'd do them both some good to get some practice underway. And, Ai thinks with some pride, gives Rin something to abate those feelings a little...
He opens the door and is about to bound away when Rin says that, and Ai over-exasperatedly sighs.]
If they watched the broadcast, I definitely wasn't the person they were paying attention to...! [Love yourself, Aiichirou, you're a catch! With a small fluster he leaves.
Then comes back, opens the door, sticks his head in,]
I have nothing to steal, anyway!
[And then he's gone again, choosing to jog to the store rather than walk.]
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Date: 2025-08-18 02:59 am (UTC)he bites his lip, and dumps his tea down the sink, watching the steam twist from the drain with his own lips twisted in motion.
it's easy to let it out when he's alone. not that he has any room to talk. a freeloading good for nothing, right? he's tried, offering to pay ai for whatever he can. ai always has refuses. so rin takes it on himself to stock the fridge, buy dinner when he can, whatever he can. it never feels like it's enough. so he stares back at the apartment, and just does what he can.
he cleans every inch, organizes anything out of his place. it's reminiscent of when they were dorm mates. except this time it's less about being helpful, and more about an inner dialogue of worthlessness and disgust. rin doesn't even note the gentle cramps swelling in his leg every now and again. just swallows it down, continues down his path of usefulness. because if he can't even do this, what good is he?
he takes a moment to breathe, leaning back against the counter and catching his breath. his eyes glance over his phone. two more missed calls from the same number. a voicemail as well. rin groans, running his hand through his hair. mikhail did introduce him to some sponsors. he really needs to get over it, and funnel through his calls. answering the phone sucks, but. his finger brushes over his phone, playing the voicemail on speaker while he idles himself with reorganizing the fridge. he pulls out a container he can't even remember what it is with a grimace--]
Good morning, Matsuoka-san. This is Himari Sato, over at Number.
[rin blanks, staring back at his phone. number fucking magazine calling him? the sports issue? how did they even--]
A colleague and I have been preparing a piece on the qualifiers, and wanted to reach out to you directly before publication. This article touches on--
[rin swallows, turning around fully, taking in every word. touching on him and haru's near record breaking? him royally fucking up in front of one of the best swimmers in the world? something else entirely?]
--your performances, coupled with the interactions with a few of your teammates. Notably the visible marks noted on a few of you during the competition. And of course the subsequent failure in your final heat... Aiichiro Nitori, you're currently living with him yes?
[rin drops the fucking container, and it shatters against the floor]
There's also context regarding your relationship with him, and your coach. Before this goes live, we would love to give you the opportunity to clarify. You can call me back, or if you prefer a written statement, I would be happy to accept that as well. I understand the personal nature of some of the observations. But we wanted to give you a chance to present your side before public speculation begins. A response at your earliest convenience would be wonderful. We plan to finalize the article soon. I believe my colleague is reaching out to your roommate as we speak. Take care.
[for once in his life, rin is truly speechless. he is staring at his phone, arms dangling at his sides. his stomach drops. he's barely had the time to process anything, let alone anything like this. things don't scare rin. this does.
clarify his side? clarify what side? some fucking faded hickies? interactions with his teammates? why the fuck are these people contacting ai as well? nothing feels normal anymore. his heart is slamming against his ribs, and he feels like he's going to choke. bile curdles in the back of his throat and the room suddenly feels smaller. the walls slowly creaking inwards, inch by inch]
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Date: 2025-08-18 03:28 am (UTC)Things had been far too normal and peaceful when Rin first arrived, and then-- that night. And the morning of the All-Japan had been normal and excitable, until exactly 7:42am.
This morning had been mostly normal. Walking to Matsumoto, Ai passes a few neighbours and their dogs on morning walks, coincidentally runs into one of his soon-to-be ex-coworkers, and idly wonders if Rin would want to accompany him to the pool later. Even if Rin couldn't swim, they could do aquatic calisthenics together to try and alleviate the stress in Rin's leg. He picks up lidocaine patches, a pair of compression socks, magnesium tablets, a pack of melon gummies on sale...
He only checks his phone when he's right down the block from their apartment, juggling it in the wedge of his shoulder. Four missed calls, all from the same unknown number? He dials into his voicemail and listens as he opens the door with his shoulder blade, both hands occupied,]
Rin-senpai, I'm--
Good morning, Nitori-san. This is Endoh Masami, field agent at Number ... ...
-- Back.
[He's turned to face the apartment, but is stuck like cement to the genkan. Eyes staring into blank space, wide and like a deer in headlights.
Ai drops the bag, feels his heart lurch up into his throat. Don't panic. Don't panic!! Right now, you absolutely have to be calm! Think of how Rin-senpai feels!!! Ah, this dream of his, there's no way that I could have possibly--?!
He looks into the apartment, trying to find if Rin's still there. The context of the message is similar: a request for a piece on the same topics, with a mention that Rin's also been contacted. Given this, Ai half-expects for Rin to have already bolted out of the apartment, but thank god he finally sees Rin in the kitchen. Ai grips his phone, white-knuckled.
Do something! Say something!! Move, Aiichirou!!
He toes off his shoes at record speed and comes to the mouth of the kitchen, looking at Rin with worry wrought in every single line of his countenance. Ai takes a deep, steeling breath.]
You got the same message. [One look at the way Rin's about to vomit, or run, or both is enough to tell him that.] Senpai, I.
[I'm so sorry. I got us into this mess. It's my fault.]
-- It's not as bad as it seems, is it? After all, we read stuff like this all the time, and we never think twice about it. [He's growing increasingly breathless, the more he tries to calm himself - the both of them - down.] It's--! It's just basic PR! Right? If we focus only on the swimming, there's not much they can do about the rest. Right?
...
Rin-senpai? [He reaches out, tries to touch Rin's arm. Needs to make sure he's listening.]
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Date: 2025-08-18 04:07 am (UTC)except now, he can barely register ai is in front of him. barely feels the touch of ai grazing his arm. his gaze is just fixated on the broken container on the floor, the counter, something beyond that eerily calm voice reciting over and over in his head.
ai's voice feels like it's underwater. muted, and faded. so far away, rin can barely hear it. his lips are parted, but nothing comes out. is his lip trembling? he can't tell anymore.
what has he done?
his gaze finally settles on ai, still wide eyed and slack jawed. a million and one scenarios are running through his head. all settling on the same conclusion. this is all his fault. did he just. ruin both their careers? panic wells in him. the PR team for the fucking olympics won't like this sort of thing, right? there's no way...
rin hears his phone again, and he fucking jerks as he grabs it off the counter, squinting at his screen. there's two messages. one from ikuya, and one from haru. hey, i got a weird call from someone | are you ok? who is...
he wants to puke, and barely swallows it down as he lurches over the kitchen sink]
You... they know I fucking live with you, Ai. What the fuck?? How is that not bad?
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Date: 2025-08-18 04:18 am (UTC)[Ai is still dutifully beside Rin even as he steps deeper into the kitchen to catch himself haphazardly on the edge of the sink, and Ai rests a hand on his back. He tries to subtly kick away some of the porcelain with the side of his foot, only just now having noticed it; it'd be no good if either of them stepped on it, and Rin didn't seem exactly all there at the moment.
A familiar scene, in a way. Ai stalwartly ignores the way his gut tries to throttle itself.
He leans over some, trying to catch Rin's gaze. Can only begin to try and guess what's going through his head, but much as he's panicked too, Ai knows that nothing is accomplished if they're both spiraling. His hand, somewhat shaky, shifts to Rin's shoulder. He tries not to pay too much attention to the way Rin spits that out at him, as if living together is something to be ashamed of. As if Ai is something to be ashamed of.]
It's not bad because it's exactly how we met, too. We're two friends who are used to living with one another already. Is every man our age meant to afford Tokyo apartments on their own? Even Sousuke-senpai lives with someone. [He says it in a way as if he's trying to walk Rin through it all logically - as if to downplay all the potential ways it could be spun as anything other than exactly what it is. Something else does dawn on him, though.]
I'm just... Not sure how they got that information.
[Only them, Sousuke, Haruka, and Ikuya knew. Ai is hard-pressed to believe any of them had gone to the press with this between last night and this morning, leading Ai to the uncomfortable conclusion of--] Well.. The one who called me did say she's a field agent. There's no way they'd just send them to cold-case peoples' apartments, is there...?
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Date: 2025-08-18 04:31 am (UTC)[but that's just it. rin doesn't know. he doesn't know. okay yeah him and ai having some faded bruising on their necks and him tanking for no apparent reason doesn't look. great. but even then it would take a trained eye. and all this speculative nonsense conjured in the span of a single night? what kind of super human freaks are these journalists?
ai's touch is gentle, but rin stiffens under it regardless. he doesn't feel he deserves such kindness. it's not meant for something like them, someone who's going to get them all disqualified from the olympic team at this rate. his breath stutters, and he white knuckles the edges of the sink as he near dry heaves over it]
...so what do we do? Just sit on it? Ignore it?
[it's so tempting to call back, give them a piece of his fucking mind. but attacking the press, even verbally, isn't a good look because that's just another admission of guilt right? and rin knows he's guilty of it all. he bites his lip between the heaves. how is ai so calm? christ]
What if they fucking kick us off the team?
[it's so easy to fly straight into the worst case scenario. rin starts prattling off every which way]
If I fucking get you, us, anyone...kicked off the fucking team, jesus christ I.
[he literally doesn't know what he'll do. that panicked gaze peaks to the corner of his eye, settling on ai. he finally vocalizes]
How...how are you so calm??
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Date: 2025-08-18 04:50 am (UTC)[Ai's gut would be to ignore it. But something about the way Endoh-san had said it to him makes him worry; it sounded as if they were already planning to run a piece, and whether or not Rin and-or Ai chose to add their two cents was incidental. Ai knows Rin knows this, but also knows it's not exactly a great thing to spell out, yet still has to be said regardless. Ai's free hand runs through his hair for a moment; an oddly out of character attempt at stress relief.]
They're going to run a piece on us anyway. That much is out of our control. So we can either give statements and stand by what we say, or we can ignore it completely and endure it for a little while.
[He exhales silently, strongly, through his nose.]
I don't get why they'd come to us directly instead of going through at least your coach.
[Or even the Japan team's management, considering that would now be their umbrella. It hadn't even been long enough for any of that to be finalized.
Ai looks at Rin sternly, suddenly, when mentions of being kicked off the team are brought up. He grips Rin's shoulder strongly, imploring him with sky blue eyes.]
That won't happen. It absolutely won't. There's no league rules that have been broken. If the committee removed every athlete that had a hit piece, they'd have no one to swim for them at all.
[His hand grips Rin's jaw and cheek, now. A bold touch but one he feels is necessary; he leans closer, making sure Rin's purview is nothing but him.]
This isn't your fault, Rin-senpai.
[How are you so calm?? That determination wavers, for a moment. Ai leans back just a little, steeled expression replaced with a vulnerable simper.] I'm not. But I have no choice but to endure it, now. [A too-common sentiment, one he's only ever verbalized as words on a page... He takes in a slow breath, exhales it through his nose. Leans away to give Rin some space, but is looking to Rin's phone.] Did they try calling you again? [Ai didn't see what Rin had looked at, just that he had looked at all.]
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