[Ai doesn't answer because he doesn't want to guilt Rin. If it were up to Ai, none of this would have manifested as a problem from the onset; they would have hooked up badly, and Ai would have kept his mouth shut, and Rin could leave the encounter with a guilt score of one instead of two.
Asked to clarify, he just can't. Because it'd mean speaking words he's trying so very hard to keep left unspoken, and the more cowardly part of him doesn't want to be proven right. He only stares at Rin, like an idiot, for once caught without words. Just as he's about to open his mouth, he hears the shower shut off; Ai's head whips to look at the bathroom door. His blood runs cold.
I'll stop feeling guilty when you stop giving me a reason to. Ai swallows thickly, and answers maybe just a touch too quickly,]
I've been trying.
[-- before waiting for the door to inevitably open. It isn't that easy. I try and I try but I keep coming back. Maybe Sousuke would be amenable after all...]
[and the guilt begins to sink in, the moment ai stares with that panicked gaze over at the bathroom door. and with it, rin's body visibly shrinks in turn. just another reminder of his monumental mistakes, and how misplaced and stupid his anger and frustrations are.
when he only has himself to blame]
Well try harder!
[rin's voice takes on a more desperate hitch. something in his eyes and throat feels hot as he drops his voice as low as it will go, fingers digging into the sheets. the marks of their encounter are long gone, but the scars of them remain. he knows he's being famously unfair to ai right now. none of them asked for this, and ai is only caught up in all of this because of rin anyways.
it would have probably been ten thousand times easier if ai didn't have the thoughts of rin squeezing around his cock, and fighting in the shower... he squeezes his eyes shut, trying not to tear out his own hair. because the next worst thing is ai bailing, and rin doesn't now how he can fucking handle being alone in a room with haru right now.
the garage was one thing. they weren't set up for failure like that. here? every outcome is bad. rin bites his lip, trying to pull in calming breaths to his lungs before haru makes his way through that door, trying so desperately to still keep his voice low and in check]
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-- shit, I didn't mean to say that sorry.
Ai's mind immediately goes somewhere-- far. Odd for him, who is usually so present with his feelings, with the reality of his choices. Of how much harder he has to work to accomplish a fraction of his peers; of how much more he has to invest to attain a fraction of the mind Rin gives to others. Present with his self, and all the good and bad parts of it. But for a second, all he could see were his own lips forming around syllables he would come to regret in seconds, and Rin's back as he left the shower room.
Isn't it obvious? That he's only been a tumour from the start. Even though Rin's suddenly apologizing, Ai knows it's hollow. Because Rin's right. None of this would be a problem, would be so much simpler if he'd just--]
It's fine.
[His chest chokes around a black hole, and his bottom lip threatens to give way. He chews its inside hard enough to draw blood. It's exactly as he's about to try and dismiss himself - to go find a vending machine, get water from the front desk, anything - that the bathroom door opens with a fog of steam and one Nanase Haruka. It's exactly then Ai realizes he can't just up and leave; can't commit the same sin Rin had against him. It's his only option to keep pushing his rock uphill, no matter how many times he's forced back to the bottom.
The air in the room is stifling; Ai tries to keep his face obfuscated behind his phone screen, one errant word away from crying, and he's really not in the mood to have to explain why to either parties present.]
[there's no room for them, because haru is as bad with his timing as rin is with his words and actions. it's fine. and then suddenly the room feels thick with more than just steam.
and all rin can do in response is just grit his teeth and flop back down on his bed, not giving haru or ai a second lookover. and haru obviously suspects something is transpiring, because he doesn't say anything and just goes to his own bed, putting away his travel clothes and folding the towel around his shoulders neatly. rin can hear it all happening, knows exactly what kind of routine ai and haru get into. his own downfall is knowing the two of them so deeply. because in this situation? it comes back to bite him in the ass.
there's nothing he can vocalize right now, and so he just stiffly gets up and grabs his own towel from his bag, and stalks off to the bathroom. ai had given him the space to shower first right? like hell he's backing down from that now. ai can fucking sit in there with haruka nanase-- and that's not fair]
Gonna shower.
[rin knows it's not fair. because even as he steers past ai's bed, he can see the unsung tears glistening in his eyes. and it just brings that wave of agony and guilt fresh in him. which manifests in him slamming the door behind him and turning the shower on way too hot to start out in but.
he doesn't know how else to feel something right now. so the sting of water that makes his skin match his hair will do]
In much the same way Ai couldn't have fixed Rin in his first year short of transforming into someone else, he feels pinned against the same impossible task right now. At least back then, Rin's problems had been esoteric and less specific; angry at himself, at the world, at the wall he'd hit, at the people he felt both tugged him forward and held him back. Right now? Ai is painfully, acutely aware he's the problem. It was a difficult pill to swallow, when they'd first met - even back then, feeling as if he wasn't enough. Couldn't be enough for Rin to confide in more, lean on more, trust more.
Actively sabotaging the smile he so badly wanted to protect, Ai is flat-out sick with himself.
He looks up at the ceiling. Idly traces patterns on it until he can convince himself he won't just burst into tears if he opens his mouth or dares look to his side. Ai so badly doesn't want to make a terrible situation worse, and isn't sure if acknowledging the obvious with Haruka would move the needle forward or break it. Even if Haruka hasn't roomed with Rin before, Ai is certain he has enough of a read on Rin to know what it means when he's in these moods... And the way he slammed the door is hard to miss.
Selfishly, Ai realizes, part of the reason he wants to say anything at all is for a catharsis. Just to get it off his chest, have someone listen. But he realizes in the same moment there is no audience worse for that than Haruka. So instead he does what he does best: swallows it all down, tells himself to dress his wounds as soon as he's able, and instead forces an awry, lopsided, rueful smile on his face.
Well try harder! All over again, his chest wells around nothing, and his smile pulls wider.]
Travel really brings out so many different sides of us, doesn't it? [Sorry I started it. Try as he might, Ai's courage begins to waver fast; he shifts down some so he's laying properly on the bed, and rolls over so his back is to Haruka. With his modicum of privacy, he presses his thumbs to his water ducts.] You and Rin-senpai should go with the guys to dinner. I can't think of anything better than a Parisian meal to lift spirits.
[even as stray droplets trickle down the back of his neck, haru knows he's walked into something tense. the air is stifling, and the way rin beelines it for the bathroom just solidifies that something transpired. but haru isn't nosy, and so he keeps to himself. he knows something happened between them, something that exploded and triggered a string of events. from people contacting him and ikuya and yamazaki about all sorts of different relationships, to bruises on necks and awkward encounters.
no rin hasn't talked about it. but haru doesn't feel the need to meddle in people's private lives either, even if curious question have lain fresh on his tongue from time to time.
but they've never died faster than right here in this moment.
it doesn't take a genius to see the tears nitori is swallowing down. hear the faintest tremor in his voice as he tries to shift so his face is hidden from view. haru casts a glance over his shoulder as he pulls on a pair of pajama bottoms, brows furrowing. if anything, when the room announcements were made, haru thought it would be more awkward with his rival than anything. nitori and rin live together already, don't they? do they always act like this, or...]
Everyone gets touchy when they can't sleep.
[or is it just him?
haru's seen their teammates try to rip one another's heads off a thousand times over. lack of sleep, anticipation, frustration over loss, interminglings that blow up into something way out of proportion. it's why haru tries to stay out of to the best of his ability, offering an ear if needed but... knowing his own "break ups" with a certain teammate have caused plenty of drama on the team equally. including this apparently.
well. haru sees what ai is trying to do here. and he stands there for a moment, hand in his bag. before he blinks back down at it, and pulls a small pack of sweets out that makoto had sent him with. he carefully turns the bag over between his fingertips, before turning around and reaching to let the package corner brush against the back of nitori's neck]
...I can leave now if that's easier.
[yes haru is looking forward to spending some time with rin, sure. after all the avoidance and weirdness they've been toeing around. but haru can't help but feel a tug of pity towards his junior and whatever has happened to make him turn himself so small]
I'd think you'd want to lift your own spirits though.
[He doesn't yet have the familiarity with Haruka to understand how well he can read others, likely giving Ai himself a run for his money. Two observational beasts. He had some of it with Sousuke, but Sousuke was never one to drag anything out unless it involved him. It seems Haruka, on the other hand, has reason to feel a modicum of compassion despite it not being his problem at all.
Too used to being able to shallowly bury things and watching as Rin forgets they exist. Ai realizes quickly he won't be able to hide away as quickly or easily with Haruka. It manifests as a touch on the back of his neck he assumes is a bug, so he jolts and slaps it--
Realizes he's just spiked Haruka's hand and the sweets that had been in it. Then he says that, and Ai is stuck between furiously shaking his head and trying to collect the package to hold it back to Haruka,]
Ah, sorry--! No!! No no, I didn't mean it like that at all! [The panic in Ai's voice is genuine; despite it all, despite himself, he cannot bring himself to think ill of Haruka. Ai would struggle to even say he didn't want his company; frankly, he does. Ai needs something to diffuse the tension. Selfishly, he believes Rin and Haruka being in proximity might finally kill the demons inside of himself, too. It'd be a win-win for all involved.
Haruka is compassionate, and observational, and Ai isn't ready for any of it. Despite his eyes still threatening to spill over, he shakes his head with yet another weak smile,]
I'm fine. Not that, um. [Is it better or worse if he spells all? Ai decides in that moment it's Rin's story to tell; Haruka likely wouldn't care to hear any of it from Ai. So he only shakes his head again,] I promise this won't be a problem. Really. I think I just. I must've struck a nerve.
...
This is kind, thank you, but I'm okay. [He looks down at the sweets package.] Please don't take it the wrong way. We're teammates. I look forward to working hard together.
[there's no offense taken at his hand suddenly being slapped away, the plastic tumbling down towards the bed. he's had worse from people he knows less after all. but haru just shrugs, and pulls his hand back]
Like I said. Touchy when they haven't slept.
[he could feel the tension when they were sitting together on the plane. and that still carries over now. so maybe some of haru's famous dryness can help smooth things over a bit. nitori is so formal with him. haru isn't the same as rin, so why... instead of treating haru like a teammate, treating him like his senior. and ah, well. the rest of the team is generally more polite than haru, and he stiffens remembering how natsuya had to basically force some respect out of him all those years ago...
yet, haru knows when things aren't appreciated or wanted. he dimly remembers some times he felt the way way, back in his last year of high school, back on his first year on the team... it can stack up and feel like a lot. and nitori is absolutely feeling that now. whether it's from him and rin's spat, or some other outside force haru doesn't know about]
It's not a problem.
[because it's not. haru can't possibly understand what is happening between his roommates right now. but he can at least try to mitigate it where he can. he blinks over at the bathroom door, swearing he can hear rin curse over a dropped shampoo bottle much louder than he normally would. and his gaze trickles back towards nitori instead]
...yeah. Same.
[his tone is far from dismissive. he wants them all to succeed together. in any way possible. and however he can help his friends in turn. haru stands back for a moment, looking over at the gloomy alarm clock sitting on their shared nightstand. the stretch of silence feels so much longer than in actuality]
Now wouldn't be a bad time to duck out.
[he offers with a roll of his shoulder, turning around and slowly beginning to unpack his bag. it's quiet while he takes a few things out, trying to be considerate of nitori's own belongings and the space he'll need. before haru offers as well]
...or I can tell him we need to meet Ikuya when he gets out.
[or i can leave again. haru doesn't offer verbally, but he hopes the offer is still understood silently in every form]
[Nanase-san is kind. It's the first thing that jumps out at him, how easily he can accept an apology and let water roll off his back. It sets some of Ai's raised hackles to rest; not that he didn't trust Haruka in some capacity, but not being familiar enough with him and having a latent jealousy issue he refuses to acknowledge properly has of course left him with something of a pit to fill, in terms of truths. He's happy for every wall effortlessly broken down - maybe it'll make trying harder an easier endeavour.
Nanase-san is kind, and Ai is famously bad at being forthright where it concerns including himself. He isn't sure if Haruka is inviting him to dinner, too, and can't quite understand the necessity of using Kirishima as a scapegoat. All Ai knows is he most definitely is in no state to go out like this, and that he has at least one person who would be asking questions, two if his uncle happened to catch sight of him, and the threat of that opening its maw and dragging Rin back under is enough to make Ai firmly set in his plans for the evening.
So he shoots Haruka the first genuine smile he's been able to muster since entering the room, and shakes his head a third time.]
I'm not interested in telling you how to kick off your evening, Nanase-san. But I think it's very kind and a little funny of you to offer. [Because Haruka doesn't have a damn clue. Ai is already mentally bracing himself for how much more lax Rin will probably be after returning from an evening away from him.
Ai takes in a steadying breath. Stop thinking like that.]
I'll take a shower and probably pick up something from downstairs. [I'll be okay. I promise. I'm fine.] It's no good if more than one of us is touchy for too long.
[it's not hard to discern what is going on. the more and more nitori talks, the more time passes spent in their company. well. the bruises marring their necks. the odd reporters trying to dig up trash on japan's newest hopefuls. whatever happened while he was in the bathroom. nitori's minimizing of his own feeling in favor of someone else's. and of course--
this isn't indicative of anything important. i promise you. and forgive my imposing. but if you reached out to him... you wouldn't regret it.
haru can't help the way something in him sours. not of jealousy, but of something else. but he instead screws his face up in a different expression entirely, and focuses on something else entirely in turn]
Everyone always says funny or weird when I offer things...
[it's meant to be in good humor, and maybe because haru is not good at this whole peopling thing it doesn't exactly come off that way but. it's easier to switch to that, instead of feeling sorry for the kid in front of him. because he knows nothing feels worse than people's misplaced pity, especially when it's not wanted and already urging into dismissal. so haru doesn't push the matter]
If you're sure.
[haru shrugs]
...just know you're welcome with us if you want.
[the final words on the matter, before he peels off the sleep pants he just put on and steps into a pair of slacks instead, looking for another shirt that's a little more appropriate to go out in instead of his stupid loosey kun shirt. that can be reserved for bedtime he supposes. and maybe it will pull a laugh out of rin later.
he finds something in his bag though, and rolls it over in his fingers, before turning around and pushing it towards ai]
This will make it better though.
[oh that's so........swe.....et. oh. oh that's definitely one of haru's hand carved, weird ass mascot keychains. why it was sitting in the bottom of his bag, he won't know but. maybe if nitori didn't want the candy he might want a reminder of home, a good luck charm. who doesn't love iwatobi-chan after all?]
[He could feel it beginning to bear down on him, and it'd nearly broken him. Pity. Something he's gotten so used to. Usually it was teammates who saw him try too hard and accomplish too little. Lately, it's been Rin and their mutual friends after All Japan. If Haruka had kept at it for even a minute longer, Ai might've cried on the spot. He can't take it; can't handle constantly being looked at like some poor, pitiful creature. Destined for failure in every pursuit.
Haruka relents, and Ai is grateful for it. Even conjures another smile at Haru's dismissive quip; Ai was used to dry personalities, and wasn't afraid to flaunt his own when circumstance called for it. Despite their current situation, Rin was famously acquainted with Ai's deadpan... It felt familiar, and helps to ease the broadening, yawning gap in Ai's chest.]
Thank you... Maybe tomorrow night.
[Even though Haruka's measured presence had turned out to be a salve, Ai is still relieved to have his space back; he settles back against the bed, arms folded over his face. Drawing in deep breaths to find his equilibrium. Rin will likely come out of the bathroom soon, and it'd be no good if Ai was found a mess.
He hears Haru shuffle this time, so Ai politely lowers his arms and sits up. Blinks at the little hand-hewn trinket, and accepts it gingerly into his palms.]
Nanase-san, did you make this? [Ai turns it over in his hands, inspecting the handiwork. The grin he wears is warm and sincere.] Rin-senpai mentioned you're good at this kind of stuff, Nagisa-kun too... Are you sure I can have it?
[He wants to cry for entirely different reasons now, not that it makes it to his countenance. Nanase-san is kind. Keeps bringing Things to Ai like a confused dog trying to cheer up its owner. It's impossible not to feel a small bloom of warmth in his chest, a minute's reprieve from the abyssal cold that seems to touch him more and more lately.]
[he won't push him. everyone deserves their space. god knows haru is very indulgent in such a thing. he just nods, walking back towards his bed, rummaging around for a light jacket]
It's all yours. I can make another .
[there's no need to add on he could easily fabricate it in about five seconds or less. because even haru doesn't think about the time in his weird hobbies like drawing and sculpting and whittling, he just likes doing it when he has the time. not that swimming on the national team leaves him much time unfortunately. but such is life. maybe there will be time for it someday. he always has a sketchpad in his bag, so maybe sometime...
ai looks significantly happier than whenever they started this awkward conversation. or really stepped foot into this hotel room to begin with. he watches ai take the small figure between his fingertips, gently turning it over with some unsung admiration. it's enough to tug the corner of haru's mouth a little before he shrugs on his jacket, carefully dragging his hands down and smoothing the front a little bit]
Rest, or whatever you need to do.
[haru drifts over to the bathroom door, and leans against it with a small sigh, pulling up his phone]
...Ikuya asked if I would help him with some butterfly strokes. Guess I should--
[the door flies open so fucking fast haru almost falls through it, and rin is clad in nothing but boxers, his pants half pulled up and his face burning from more than just the shower, biting his lip so hard it looks painful]
LIKE HELL KIRISHIMA IS SWIMMING FLY WITH YOU AGAIN--
[haru just shrugs and mouths a better hurry then before he slips out the hotel door and leaves rin scrambling for clothes]
[With his bombastic return to the society of their hotel room, Ai can't tell if Rin's boisterous reply is a sign of a better mood or a worse one, but considering no fists have flown and he's more concerned with pulling his pants back on, Ai takes it as a good sign. He smiles wryly, letting his eyes flit back to the small little statuette still in his hands...
It had been so easy for Haruka to see enough of him to want to help. He owed Ai nothing, but he still tried. In an instant, Ai understands how people like Rin can come to crave that warmth, the type that seems to radiate from the inside. Passively, Ai wonders if he's capable of being that kind of person, too.
He places Iwatobi-kun on top of their shared dresser, and says little else. He'd already told Rin on the bus he planned to hang back tonight, so despite their... Moment, Ai's hoping Rin will just dip out without saying much of anything. Ai's doing exactly what he's been told to: trying harder. So rather than making Rin's departure any longer than it has to be, Ai again takes up his phone, scrolling back to his photo roll. Looking at old photos of his dog. Old photos of the Samezuka team. Of cafes and people he's seen on the streets of Tokyo. Doing a painfully good job of becoming one with the air in the room.]
[the shower was full of rin borderline bashing his skull against the tile. trying to suck in shuddering, calming breaths, trying to ease the anxieties pulsing through him. he's extremely aware that he just left ai and haru alone to their own devices. but, that's dumb. they literally just sat next to one another for sixteen fucking hours or whatever. what the hell are they going to do? gossip? talk shit about rin? that's dumb.
and that helps ease the worries. a tiny bit at least.
and so, he takes his time. washing the travel grime off of himself. indulging in the hot water with a few soft sounds, trying to finally force himself to relax from the awkward situation he--well, they all have--been dumped into. but eventually, his muscles begin to lax a bit, his forehead pressed against the tile less in hopes of cracking his skull and more grateful for the little pressure it provides.
eventually though, he knows he needs to go back out and face reality. he's never shied from a challenge before (a fat fucking lie) and he's not about to now. so he shoves the lever to the off position, begins to towel himself off and starts shoving his clothes on only to hear--
ikuya asked if i would help him with some butterfly strokes.
and rin is stupid, and rin sees red as he shoves the door open, haru almost falling through in the process. fuck that cool, stupid guy!! fuck both of them! rin will forever be bitter that ikuya swam the im with haru, because haru ever swam fly for rin. and rin is a sore loser and is not letting this one go.
except the guy just shrugs and walks away, leaving rin to his own devices, free of torso coverings with his pants half pulled up. he grits his teeth and scoffs, muttering as he hauls himself back to his bed and continues getting dressed. he assumes that means haru is going out, probably waiting out for him......rin looks over at ai with a frown, as he dumps his towel on the bed, fumbling for his necklace and trying to rake his fingers through his hair to make it somewhat presentable]
...sure you just want to stay in tonight?
[rin asks awkwardly, giving ai a little look. he doesn't want his friend feeling alienated, like he has to hide himself away because of everything. he feels bad. extremely. because he knows everything they just fussed over not thirty minutes ago. or rather rin fussed over most of all. he trails his hand from his hair down his neck with a huff]
Y'know, you can always ask Sousuke if he wants to go out or whatever too. Don't think he's coming with.
[rin actually has no idea and thats a rude as hell assumption to make. but he shrugs as he pulls his red flannel over himself]
[It's almost a little nostalgic. Almost. The fury with which Rin nearly chases after Haru after clearly being instigated. A fire and fervor Ai has distinct memories of growing irrationally jealous about when they were younger.
When he's around his other friends, he makes faces he never makes around me. Since that time, it seems little has changed. And in an instant, Ai's gut is overwhelmed again for the umpteenth time with the latent shame at ever having once in his life assumed he stood a chance. A moment's mistake that is going to chase him to the very end of his life.
Ai shakes his head to himself. Not that long. Not if I try harder.
He lifts his head from where he'd been scrolling when addressed, giving Rin a kind smile he really doesn't want to plaster on his face,] I said it on the bus, didn't I? There's no way I can keep up with everyone tonight. I just need to rest for a little bit, and I'll be good as new tomorrow. Promise.
[Ai knows Sousuke isn't going out because he's texted Sousuke a handful of times since coming back to the hotel room and even Sousuke has offered to come keep Ai company but Ai has emphatically shot him down. Because it'd be so incredibly rude and insensitive to make his problem Sousuke's problem. He of course hasn't given any details - hasn't had the time to type that much, nor would Ai be inclined to bare his soul to anyone right now. All the same, it's an offer he's not taking up.
Just let me know if you need anything? I mean it. Ai nearly wants to laugh, but just nods kindly.]
Thank you, Rin-senpai. [Ai shifts to get off the bed, intent on using the shower as soon as Rin's cleared out. It's also a good excuse - gathering his clothes and a towel - to not have to look at him.] Have fun! Don't let Nanase-san run circles around you. Ah, tell Kirishima-senpai I'll see him tomorrow.
[the last glance he shoots ai's way is something torn between bitter, confused, frustrated and solemn. a mix of all the things they've been battling with one another over the span of the last few months. promise. and rin bites his lip, because that's one thing ai doesn't do.
he always keeps his word. never breaks a promise]
Agh, fine. Holding you to that.
[rin finally bites out, frowning with his hands shoved in his pockets as he's finally gathered himself into some state of dress that doesn't look like he just crawled half naked out of the shower to rise to some half-assed bait.
but rin lingers for a moment longer, watching ai gather some things for himself. taking care of himself last. rin thinks to himself dimly, rubbing his hand through his hair. he hates how much he fidgets with the back of his neck and his hair these days. a nervous tic embodied into something he relies on far too much for comfort and to ground himself. something sinks in rin, thinking maybe ai really doesn't want to be around him, wanted to be rooming with anyone else. and that just helps propel him out the door with a click of his tongue as he grabs his phone and wallet, slipping into his shoes]
Text me if you get tired, we'll be quiet when we come back.
[he lingers in the doorway for a moment. something feels stuck in his throat. but he hears ikuya down the hall, giving his farewells to sousuke he presumes... before that gets him out the door with one final wave]
[It is a cruel and unfair and borderline uncharacteristic thought that crosses his mind, the more Rin delays leaving the room and seems to do so from a latent sense of guilt. What would it take to make him stop caring? It felt like limbo, or purgatory. Rin cared just enough to make Ai's despondency his problem, but not yet enough to fix it or kill it in a meaningful way.
The moment the door shuts, Ai's face wipes clean. Rin's actions don't quite align with his words, and it settles unwell in Ai. Try harder. But then why does Rin look at him like that, as if begging Ai to beg for him? Try harder, and yet navigates to the hallway of the hotel floor with consideration as the last thing on his tongue? It'd be enough to send Ai's head into a tailspin if he wasn't already dead-set on being the one with a cooler head in all of this.
His shower is unremarkable. He washes his body and his hair and is grateful for once that he can stare at a tiled floor and not be reminded of the exact moment he ruined it all.
It's a long one, thirty-ish minutes spent letting his thoughts go with the steam; when he reemerges he's doing his best impression of a prune. The room is dead silent without anyone in it, which Ai finds in equal measure lonely and a relief. There is a small part of him that wishes he'd gone out, but... I just can't. I know someone would have something to say, and I can't do that right now.
Ai changes into pyjamas and settles back into his bed, looking at call times for the upcoming week on his phone. Then, he sees Sousuke's name flash on his screen.
>you stayed in? >>I still wanted to shower. >did you eat >>I'll find something.
There is so much that is said in what isn't; Sousuke avoiding the obvious tells Ai he must have thoughts of his own, and that's enough for Ai to close his phone and rest it on his chest.
... It'd really be no good to go to bed hungry. Shimogami jacket on, Ai wanders down to the hotel lobby. Passes a few teammates who also stayed back, says hello. Finds a small kiosk-cafe where he orders some odds and ends in broken English... He brings a juice, a half baguette sandwich, and some dried fruit back up to the room. Spends about fifteen minutes eating it all at the desk, and throws away his trash. Back into bed, under the covers, but not quite settled.
Ai stares up at the ceiling. This constant, gnawing dread-- when last did he feel it so consistently? This isn't like me. I'm annoyed. A last ditch effort to be at peace with his own thoughts: headphones, plugged into his phone and pressed into his ear. It may be a while yet before his roommates return, and Ai would rather spend that time thinking about literally anyone or anything else; French indie rock seemed appropriate.]
[even in the throngs of fun and out in the wilds exactly two blocks from their hotel... rin is still acutely aware of something missing. ikuya and haru are fine company, sure. especially all riding the highs of their recent accomplishments in a new city. somebody recognizes the three of them, and that just brings a well of pride. except.
all he can think of is his roommate.
the one who rin had never seen in such a miserable state until just an hour or so prior. the one who rin had torn down to such a lowly demeanor throughout his transgressions and faults. they can vocalize all they want that it's in the past. they've put such things behind them, but rin knows something still gnaws at their cores. something that hasn't quite been shoved all the way aside. teetering and looming, with that shadow. that thing that always seems to be there.
one drink down, he pulls out his phone and stares at the screen. ikuya squints at him, asking if he's expecting someone. rin says no, and stuffs his phone back in his pocket.
two drinks down, he pulls it out again while the elder kirishima joins them and drags his brother out on the dance floor. ai might see something if he's looking at all about rin is typing... once or twice. but the glass is filled without him even asking.
three drinks down, and he watches ikuya and natsuya drag haru onto the dance floor. the bar is alive with patrons, and rin glances back down at his phone. he wonders what ai is doing. a shift of crimson towards the empty glass. all of this started because of alcohol. a drunken text, which turned to invitation and--
four drinks down, and his phone is stuffed in his pocket while he tries to navigate the dance floor with his friends amongst the swell of music.
five drinks down, and there's arms draped over his neck and cerulean is the only thing he can see. his stomach feels like it's in knots, and it feels too hot. there's a brush of foreheads just like back in the parking garage. but ikuya accidentally elbows rin, and then drags him off by the belt loop with a drunken stupid laugh. and rin snaps back into place with a jolt, even though his head feels so heavy. and when he looks at ikuya when they dance, that sinking feeling is gone.
eventually though, the high begins to die down. ikuya and natsuya dragging them back to the hotel. the two kirishimas are totally opposite one another. ikuya can hold it down pretty well, despite how many he's had. natsuya is a fucking mess and ikuya waves them off at the elevator, saying he has to make sure this guy ends up in the right room. rin lets out a stupid giggle and waves them off, and haru makes some weird hiccupy sound before the door closes and they're left alone again.
rin doesn't even bother to hide how fast he stumbles towards their room. he doesn't even know what time it is. his phone died a while back, him not charging it beforehand and leaving his screen open on an unsent text far too long probably did it in. but as he's in front of the door fumbling for his keycard, haru stumbles against his back and rin feels hot breath against his neck.
and his face burns as he shoves the door open probably harder than necessary, muttering a quick 'shit...sorry' though he's not sure if that's directed towards ai or haru who stumbles through the door when rin does. rin blinks over at ai on his bed, and lets out a little hiss of relief. at least he has headphones in but... rin bristles a little. because he's drunk and his mind immediately goes to the worst place and. he doesn't think he's ever seen ai go to sleep with headphones in...has he? or has he just somehow missed that in every capacity too?
bitterness washes over him. is he that bad of a friend?
but then something else floods him, and he grits his teeth. or did ai put his headphones in because he and haru--
rin tries so desperately to shove the thought aside as he quietly makes his way over to his bed. haru starts peeling his clothes off without shame, and rin bites his lip this time, whipping his head over his shoulder to hiss]
Oi. We've got roommates who haven't seen your bare ass y'know.
[haru blinks in confusion over at him, but shrugs and just makes some comment as he so kindly keeps his jammers on while he climbs into bed. rin barely catches it through the thick slur of his stupid drunken words, but it sounds like 'if you're that worried, do something about it' and rin wants to fucking scream into his pillow as he tries to shove the charger into his phone.
every orifice is fucking burning. the alcohol. his face. between his legs because he can't discern if haru was just making some smarmy comment or seriously implying that rin should go over and-- he quickly changes into his tank-top and briefs (in the bathroom!! thanks!!) before storming back out and throwing one of his shirts at haru with a mutter]
Be fucking respectful of other people, and put it on. Christ.
[haru looks at the shirt, looks at rin, shrugs and finally puts it on. rin shoves himself under his sheets, his phone back on. he squints at his messages, not seeing anything new...ah, there's one from sousuke. just a meme. one of ikuya dumping natsuya's ass in his room. cool cool. rin's thumb brushes over ai's contact and...
well. the message is gone. rin bites his lip and just shoots his roommate a quick]
sorry, hope we didn't wake you
[before he shoves his pillow over his head, squinting at his phone through the thick alcohol induced fog in his brain. whether they did or ai sees it in the wee hours of the morning, rin probably won't be sleeping for a while yet. too aware of every noise of ai and haru shifting in the sheets around him. it feels deafening]
[He would have expected later, and so Ai is more or less wide awake by the time he can very much hear Haruka and Rin and who knows who else in the hall stumbling around. The ruckus gets his attention even through his headphones, and it's incredibly hard to miss the proximity between the two of them the moment Rin presses the door in. The scent of alcohol precedes them, and raises Ai's hackles.
He has... Never, ever seen Rin drunk. Or Haruka, for that matter. It'd escaped his mind that this could be a possibility, and the downright sloppy, uncoordinated ways they both make it across the room have Ai peeling his headphones off...
Just in time to hear it, slurred or otherwise. Do something about it. He puts his headphones right back in.
If eyes were on him for even two seconds, it'd be obvious that Ai was watching them both up until the moment Haru started stripping; for his own sanity, he turns the volume up on the music he's listening to, resting down on his bed with his back to his two roommates. Surely if he becomes one with the white linen sheets, he could just. Disappear? And not have to play voyeur to whatever drunken, probably lust-fueled nothings are being muttered behind his back?
Because he'd been busy mostly trying to read up on their call sheets, some of their contemporaries from other teams, and some local history, Ai didn't have his texting window open; a few notifications from Sousuke, even, had gone unattended to.
But seeing Rin's name flash over his screen knowing full well the guy is about ten feet behind him? Ai hesitates to look over his shoulder for a moment, fearful of what he'll see. He ultimately doesn't, just. Stares at the message.
He makes a very quick edit to Rin's name in his contacts list first before tabbing into the message properly from his notification pane.
And then debates even replying. Was it worth it? Ai thinks Rin would read into it too much if he didn't type something. Much as he doesn't want to put the mask back on, however brief. His thumbs move with a haste as if he hadn't just heard Haruka make a pass at the guy,]
Hope everyone had fun!
[-- before lowering his phone to the mattress and staring into the middle distance, across the room to the door. His mind wipes blank, as if to match what little of his chest he has left to give. Two weeks of this? Mikhail-ojiisan was right, maybe.]
[without skipping a beat, he knows deep down somewhere he's ruined this. staring at that reply. it's a quick thing. which means one of two things. ai's been awake, or they really did wake him up and that's the reasoning behind the curt acknowledgement. no it's ok! or don't worry so much. just that hope everyone had fun. something that tugs at him, and just makes the sourness in his gut worse.
he huffs, shoving his phone back under his pillow. it's tempting to throw that pillow over at someone. haru for being an asshole, or ai for being cryptic and weird. drunk rin would absolutely do something like that if he was still standing up. but then he just remembers porcelain scattered over tile, and swallows down the thought. all while he buries his face into his pillow.
even in a drunken stupor, sleep doesn't come easily. he can't tell if he's having nightmares all night, or just tossing and turning so aggressively or overheating or whatever, that light is slipping through the curtains before he knows it. and the migraines he's been able to fight off for so many weeks? no, this one is back in full force.
whether that's a famous hangover or lack of sleep, the world may never know. he has stubbornly refused to look around the room at all throughout the night. or even open his eyes. settling instead for keeping the sheets tugged over his eyes, or his face buried in his pillow. he hears his roommates throughout the night. and he wishes he couldn't. they were told not to go too crazy, and rin overdid it. he knows natsuya is a bad influence and he really shouldn't go out with the guy.
but then again there was the whole breathing in of the new city and riding the high of victory with friends and--
like fuck he's going on a jog this morning. groaning, he pulls himself up a bit to rest on his elbows, staring at the wall behind his pillow like it's personally done him some great offense. all through the stabbing pain throbbing through his head. he takes a swig from the bottle next to his bed, pressing the bottle against his temple for some chilled pressure point relief]
[Rin doesn't respond, which tells Ai enough. Well, he's drunk out of his mind. It's likely he'll forget it come morning anyway. Ai can't be sure how much Haruka had, either, but it was enough to raise eyebrows...
Enough for sleep to hit him like a freight train, too mentally exhausted to fight it for once. Compared to Rin, he sleeps soundly, only waking up once or twice less because of the turmoil in the yawning gap of his chest and more from acclimation to a new environment, new sounds, even new people.
He'd set an alarm, bright and early, though manages to wake just soon enough to kill it before it can even ring once. Rin may be too hungover for a jog, and Ai isn't so sure offering for Haruka to come when he's also in a bad way is a good idea, so he sets to very very quietly changing into his activewear and, for the first time, steps out to the city. It's hard to take Paris in in all its splendor when cruising along at nine miles an hour, but all the same the old architecture and many dogs being walked on the sidewalks are enough to give him a bit more wind back in his sails - a motivation and peace he desperately needed.
He completes a circuit and approaches the hotel about an hour and a half later, reinvigorated and refreshed... Even if looking upon the facade curdles his gut some. Trepidation aside, Ai enters, rides the elevator up to their floor. Very very quietly unlocks the door with the room key, pushing it in quietly so as not to disturb those who are ailing... And who knows what else. Ai squeezes through the door, closes it quietly behind him, drops his running bag...
On the desk he places two bananas, two tall coffees, a pack of ginger chews, and two metallic tins of electrolyte oxygenated water. Spares a moment to try and gauge if either Rin or Haruka are awake, but... If they aren't, I don't want to be the one to wake them. And figures his attempts here speak for themself.
Ai gathers a clean change of clothes and escapes into the shower room, closing the door behind him.]
[the first thing he notices upon sweeping his gaze around the room is the obvious. ai's gone. and it pangs rin more than he cares to admit. especially because upon further inspection, he sees something that takes him back. back to that last year of high school, when everyone had to be on his mind and in turn...
it would be one thing if the consideration and thoughtfulness only stretched so far as to one of them. but it was both. and that's when something lurches in rin that has little to do with the hangover that is beginning to fester. but then he hears the shower turn on, and that thing settles. at least momentarily. rin hauls himself out of bed, pressing his palm against his head with a little groan. haru still looks dead to the world, so rin tries to stay quiet as he walks over to the desk.
his hand raises to drag his thumb over the offerings. before he bites his lip, and turns his gaze towards the bathroom door. he really has been an ass about all of this, hasn't he? it's not that he didn't know that fact, but seeing this physical manifestation of pure kindness and selflessness towards the awkwardness of their situation rips him apart inside.
rin nibbles at one of the ginger chews, chasing it down quickly with a sip of his coffee, pressing the cup against his head as his brows furrow. he wanders back to his bed, pulling his phone out from under his pillow. he never replied to ai last night. and maybe that's for the best. maybe the drunk addled side of him would have lashed out in a less than kind manner. it's just all too easy to feel that distance growing larger and larger as the seconds tick on.
he hates how easy that side of him is to slip into]
thanks
[attached is a picture of the ginger chew wrapper next to the coffee, the banana half eaten]
[It's easier to move through the world when he checks his baggage at the door. In a way, it feels unfair. On the other hand, he's able to take his second shower in as many days spent in this room under these circumstances and look down at the tiled floor and not think of the night it all went wrong, so. It's progress.
He rinses off his body and doesn't bother washing his hair. He examines his face in the glaringly bright mirror lights and counts the bags under his eyes, questioning if they've always been that prominent or if the mirror is playing tricks. He habitually ruffles his hair... And remembers their conversation from a few days before leaving for Paris. Ai brushes his hair back down with his fingers.
He's quiet as he enters back into the room, clad in day clothes. For the first few steps as he tries to tip-toe his way back to his bed, he keeps his eyes down, purposefully trying to avoid looking Rin's way. But... Just as he nears his own bed, it becomes impossible. Curiosity - habit - overtakes him, and sky blue eyes cast themselves sidelong to catch Haru - still very dead to the world - and Rin both in his gaze. Rin with a coffee cup pressed to his head. Ai's eyes aren't on him long enough to determine whether or not Rin's looked his way; Ai carefully and quietly slides back on top of his bed, one leg tucked under himself. Habitually takes hold of his phone again.
Sees Rin's text. He smiles, just barely, and resents the almost sweet feeling that blooms in his chest. He looks toward the evidence, the desk with only Haru's half still on it, and then another sideward glance is given Rin's way. Ai hates how he hesitates, words pummeling his frontal lobe but unable to put them down to the screen.
Still he tries, because at some point he will have to find a balance between try harder and he's still my friend,]
How are you feeling?
You look terrible.
[He sends it with a smile. A part of him doesn't want to open the floor, but... After a few seconds,]
[it doesn't matter that ai is texting him back, and there's some temporary swathing of relief seeing him coming out of the bathroom. it just matters that between the persistent pounding in his head and tug of his eyelids, he's happy for the momentary acknowledgement. it's not like this whole situation doesn't suck monumentally for all involved.
a little smirk to himself as he glances over that you look terrible. must really be a pathetic sight for ai to say something like that huh?]
thanks a bunch
[he hopes the tone comes off as teasingly as its intended to be, while he quickly tacks on a thumbs down emoji after the fact. he takes another sip of the coffee, glancing over at haru's bed with a slight feeling of...disdain? confusion? frustration?
he isn't quite sure how to place it. especially when ai's last text comes through and there's an obvious tenseness in the lines of his shoulders. it's foggy but present. dancing, the burn of drink after drink sliding down his throat. there's no denying the fun they had--all of them had, last night. but with a glance back at ai, he can't help but still feel the tug of disappointment. that there was someone missing through the throngs of it all.
but then maybe it's a small blessing too. ai's already caught up in this tangled mess of rooming with the two of them. seeing everything last night might have been too raw and fresh for him. rin's trying this whole consideration thing instead of acting on his feelings and impulse. his thumb brushes over his screen. decidedly, there's no clear cut answer to give. but he settles with the best one he can muster]
it was fun :)
[...was it? seeing haru pull his blanket over his head, remembering being pressed against the door and that stupid comment he couldn't discern. was it teasing like always? meant to rile him up and have him spitting? or something else? rin doesn't know. and it's not important right now anyway. it was probably just the booze. there's no way that--]
run when i'm not half dead?
[he asks it, but for some reason, rin's already bracing himself for the refusal. dimly aware of the inches slowly being added to the distance between them. piece by piece]
[Rin seems... Oddly jovial despite his condition, which Ai isn't sure how to interpret. I should just be glad he isn't sulking, is his first thought. Distance works after all, is his second. I wonder what he and Nanase-san got up to last night, is his third, and is what keeps his eyes glued down onto his screen rather than cast long across the room to Rin.
He reacts to Rin's thumbs down with a thumbs up emoji. Ai knows regardless of subjectively how he feels, it's for the better if he can leave room for Rin to start feeling better, physically and mentally. But the curiosity that plays at the forefront of his mind leads to a damning and dangerous thought of its own: I don't want to go out tonight. Not with them. Especially not when it appears Rin got on just fine without him present the night before. Ai's acutely aware he'd be a burden, and knowing Sousuke would likely be part of the pack too, doesn't want to proliferate this mess beyond the walls of their hotel room.
I'm getting ahead of myself. Besides, this will be normal going forward. It's for the best I get used to it.
He squints when Rin sends-- is that a smiley? Despite himself, Ai looks over to him with a blink and folded eyebrows.
And he, too, watches as Haru pulls the covers over his head. Ai doesn't think he's ever seen the guy so animated, neither last night or right now. They must've really thrown them back, he thinks. Or is it just the natural progress of being in Rin's orbit again? He'd been so unabashed about putting his hands on him-- Ai rubs his hand over his forehead, mussing up his fringe. Stop thinking about things that aren't important!
He pulls his legs up on the bed, bent in front of his chest, phone held closer to his lap than his face. Rin's invitation for a run is sweet, but...]
I just came back from one.
Ah, but I can go a second round.
[Friends jog together all the time. So this much is fine, right? After just a small delay he then tacks on,]
We should ask Nanase-san when he's awake if he wants to come.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2025-10-24 08:27 pm (UTC)Asked to clarify, he just can't. Because it'd mean speaking words he's trying so very hard to keep left unspoken, and the more cowardly part of him doesn't want to be proven right. He only stares at Rin, like an idiot, for once caught without words. Just as he's about to open his mouth, he hears the shower shut off; Ai's head whips to look at the bathroom door. His blood runs cold.
I'll stop feeling guilty when you stop giving me a reason to. Ai swallows thickly, and answers maybe just a touch too quickly,]
I've been trying.
[-- before waiting for the door to inevitably open. It isn't that easy. I try and I try but I keep coming back. Maybe Sousuke would be amenable after all...]
no subject
Date: 2025-10-24 08:39 pm (UTC)when he only has himself to blame]
Well try harder!
[rin's voice takes on a more desperate hitch. something in his eyes and throat feels hot as he drops his voice as low as it will go, fingers digging into the sheets. the marks of their encounter are long gone, but the scars of them remain. he knows he's being famously unfair to ai right now. none of them asked for this, and ai is only caught up in all of this because of rin anyways.
it would have probably been ten thousand times easier if ai didn't have the thoughts of rin squeezing around his cock, and fighting in the shower... he squeezes his eyes shut, trying not to tear out his own hair. because the next worst thing is ai bailing, and rin doesn't now how he can fucking handle being alone in a room with haru right now.
the garage was one thing. they weren't set up for failure like that. here? every outcome is bad. rin bites his lip, trying to pull in calming breaths to his lungs before haru makes his way through that door, trying so desperately to still keep his voice low and in check]
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-- shit, I didn't mean to say that sorry.
no subject
Date: 2025-10-24 08:49 pm (UTC)Ai's mind immediately goes somewhere-- far. Odd for him, who is usually so present with his feelings, with the reality of his choices. Of how much harder he has to work to accomplish a fraction of his peers; of how much more he has to invest to attain a fraction of the mind Rin gives to others. Present with his self, and all the good and bad parts of it. But for a second, all he could see were his own lips forming around syllables he would come to regret in seconds, and Rin's back as he left the shower room.
Isn't it obvious? That he's only been a tumour from the start. Even though Rin's suddenly apologizing, Ai knows it's hollow. Because Rin's right. None of this would be a problem, would be so much simpler if he'd just--]
It's fine.
[His chest chokes around a black hole, and his bottom lip threatens to give way. He chews its inside hard enough to draw blood. It's exactly as he's about to try and dismiss himself - to go find a vending machine, get water from the front desk, anything - that the bathroom door opens with a fog of steam and one Nanase Haruka. It's exactly then Ai realizes he can't just up and leave; can't commit the same sin Rin had against him. It's his only option to keep pushing his rock uphill, no matter how many times he's forced back to the bottom.
The air in the room is stifling; Ai tries to keep his face obfuscated behind his phone screen, one errant word away from crying, and he's really not in the mood to have to explain why to either parties present.]
no subject
Date: 2025-10-24 09:19 pm (UTC)and all rin can do in response is just grit his teeth and flop back down on his bed, not giving haru or ai a second lookover. and haru obviously suspects something is transpiring, because he doesn't say anything and just goes to his own bed, putting away his travel clothes and folding the towel around his shoulders neatly. rin can hear it all happening, knows exactly what kind of routine ai and haru get into. his own downfall is knowing the two of them so deeply. because in this situation? it comes back to bite him in the ass.
there's nothing he can vocalize right now, and so he just stiffly gets up and grabs his own towel from his bag, and stalks off to the bathroom. ai had given him the space to shower first right? like hell he's backing down from that now. ai can fucking sit in there with haruka nanase-- and that's not fair]
Gonna shower.
[rin knows it's not fair. because even as he steers past ai's bed, he can see the unsung tears glistening in his eyes. and it just brings that wave of agony and guilt fresh in him. which manifests in him slamming the door behind him and turning the shower on way too hot to start out in but.
he doesn't know how else to feel something right now. so the sting of water that makes his skin match his hair will do]
no subject
Date: 2025-10-24 09:30 pm (UTC)In much the same way Ai couldn't have fixed Rin in his first year short of transforming into someone else, he feels pinned against the same impossible task right now. At least back then, Rin's problems had been esoteric and less specific; angry at himself, at the world, at the wall he'd hit, at the people he felt both tugged him forward and held him back. Right now? Ai is painfully, acutely aware he's the problem. It was a difficult pill to swallow, when they'd first met - even back then, feeling as if he wasn't enough. Couldn't be enough for Rin to confide in more, lean on more, trust more.
Actively sabotaging the smile he so badly wanted to protect, Ai is flat-out sick with himself.
He looks up at the ceiling. Idly traces patterns on it until he can convince himself he won't just burst into tears if he opens his mouth or dares look to his side. Ai so badly doesn't want to make a terrible situation worse, and isn't sure if acknowledging the obvious with Haruka would move the needle forward or break it. Even if Haruka hasn't roomed with Rin before, Ai is certain he has enough of a read on Rin to know what it means when he's in these moods... And the way he slammed the door is hard to miss.
Selfishly, Ai realizes, part of the reason he wants to say anything at all is for a catharsis. Just to get it off his chest, have someone listen. But he realizes in the same moment there is no audience worse for that than Haruka. So instead he does what he does best: swallows it all down, tells himself to dress his wounds as soon as he's able, and instead forces an awry, lopsided, rueful smile on his face.
Well try harder! All over again, his chest wells around nothing, and his smile pulls wider.]
Travel really brings out so many different sides of us, doesn't it? [Sorry I started it. Try as he might, Ai's courage begins to waver fast; he shifts down some so he's laying properly on the bed, and rolls over so his back is to Haruka. With his modicum of privacy, he presses his thumbs to his water ducts.] You and Rin-senpai should go with the guys to dinner. I can't think of anything better than a Parisian meal to lift spirits.
no subject
Date: 2025-10-24 09:45 pm (UTC)no rin hasn't talked about it. but haru doesn't feel the need to meddle in people's private lives either, even if curious question have lain fresh on his tongue from time to time.
but they've never died faster than right here in this moment.
it doesn't take a genius to see the tears nitori is swallowing down. hear the faintest tremor in his voice as he tries to shift so his face is hidden from view. haru casts a glance over his shoulder as he pulls on a pair of pajama bottoms, brows furrowing. if anything, when the room announcements were made, haru thought it would be more awkward with his rival than anything. nitori and rin live together already, don't they? do they always act like this, or...]
Everyone gets touchy when they can't sleep.
[or is it just him?
haru's seen their teammates try to rip one another's heads off a thousand times over. lack of sleep, anticipation, frustration over loss, interminglings that blow up into something way out of proportion. it's why haru tries to stay out of to the best of his ability, offering an ear if needed but... knowing his own "break ups" with a certain teammate have caused plenty of drama on the team equally. including this apparently.
well. haru sees what ai is trying to do here. and he stands there for a moment, hand in his bag. before he blinks back down at it, and pulls a small pack of sweets out that makoto had sent him with. he carefully turns the bag over between his fingertips, before turning around and reaching to let the package corner brush against the back of nitori's neck]
...I can leave now if that's easier.
[yes haru is looking forward to spending some time with rin, sure. after all the avoidance and weirdness they've been toeing around. but haru can't help but feel a tug of pity towards his junior and whatever has happened to make him turn himself so small]
I'd think you'd want to lift your own spirits though.
no subject
Date: 2025-10-24 09:59 pm (UTC)Too used to being able to shallowly bury things and watching as Rin forgets they exist. Ai realizes quickly he won't be able to hide away as quickly or easily with Haruka. It manifests as a touch on the back of his neck he assumes is a bug, so he jolts and slaps it--
Realizes he's just spiked Haruka's hand and the sweets that had been in it. Then he says that, and Ai is stuck between furiously shaking his head and trying to collect the package to hold it back to Haruka,]
Ah, sorry--! No!! No no, I didn't mean it like that at all! [The panic in Ai's voice is genuine; despite it all, despite himself, he cannot bring himself to think ill of Haruka. Ai would struggle to even say he didn't want his company; frankly, he does. Ai needs something to diffuse the tension. Selfishly, he believes Rin and Haruka being in proximity might finally kill the demons inside of himself, too. It'd be a win-win for all involved.
Haruka is compassionate, and observational, and Ai isn't ready for any of it. Despite his eyes still threatening to spill over, he shakes his head with yet another weak smile,]
I'm fine. Not that, um. [Is it better or worse if he spells all? Ai decides in that moment it's Rin's story to tell; Haruka likely wouldn't care to hear any of it from Ai. So he only shakes his head again,] I promise this won't be a problem. Really. I think I just. I must've struck a nerve.
...
This is kind, thank you, but I'm okay. [He looks down at the sweets package.] Please don't take it the wrong way. We're teammates. I look forward to working hard together.
no subject
Date: 2025-10-24 10:23 pm (UTC)Like I said. Touchy when they haven't slept.
[he could feel the tension when they were sitting together on the plane. and that still carries over now. so maybe some of haru's famous dryness can help smooth things over a bit. nitori is so formal with him. haru isn't the same as rin, so why... instead of treating haru like a teammate, treating him like his senior. and ah, well. the rest of the team is generally more polite than haru, and he stiffens remembering how natsuya had to basically force some respect out of him all those years ago...
yet, haru knows when things aren't appreciated or wanted. he dimly remembers some times he felt the way way, back in his last year of high school, back on his first year on the team... it can stack up and feel like a lot. and nitori is absolutely feeling that now. whether it's from him and rin's spat, or some other outside force haru doesn't know about]
It's not a problem.
[because it's not. haru can't possibly understand what is happening between his roommates right now. but he can at least try to mitigate it where he can. he blinks over at the bathroom door, swearing he can hear rin curse over a dropped shampoo bottle much louder than he normally would. and his gaze trickles back towards nitori instead]
...yeah. Same.
[his tone is far from dismissive. he wants them all to succeed together. in any way possible. and however he can help his friends in turn. haru stands back for a moment, looking over at the gloomy alarm clock sitting on their shared nightstand. the stretch of silence feels so much longer than in actuality]
Now wouldn't be a bad time to duck out.
[he offers with a roll of his shoulder, turning around and slowly beginning to unpack his bag. it's quiet while he takes a few things out, trying to be considerate of nitori's own belongings and the space he'll need. before haru offers as well]
...or I can tell him we need to meet Ikuya when he gets out.
[or i can leave again. haru doesn't offer verbally, but he hopes the offer is still understood silently in every form]
no subject
Date: 2025-10-24 10:37 pm (UTC)Nanase-san is kind, and Ai is famously bad at being forthright where it concerns including himself. He isn't sure if Haruka is inviting him to dinner, too, and can't quite understand the necessity of using Kirishima as a scapegoat. All Ai knows is he most definitely is in no state to go out like this, and that he has at least one person who would be asking questions, two if his uncle happened to catch sight of him, and the threat of that opening its maw and dragging Rin back under is enough to make Ai firmly set in his plans for the evening.
So he shoots Haruka the first genuine smile he's been able to muster since entering the room, and shakes his head a third time.]
I'm not interested in telling you how to kick off your evening, Nanase-san. But I think it's very kind and a little funny of you to offer. [Because Haruka doesn't have a damn clue. Ai is already mentally bracing himself for how much more lax Rin will probably be after returning from an evening away from him.
Ai takes in a steadying breath. Stop thinking like that.]
I'll take a shower and probably pick up something from downstairs. [I'll be okay. I promise. I'm fine.] It's no good if more than one of us is touchy for too long.
no subject
Date: 2025-10-24 10:57 pm (UTC)this isn't indicative of anything important. i promise you. and forgive my imposing. but if you reached out to him... you wouldn't regret it.
haru can't help the way something in him sours. not of jealousy, but of something else. but he instead screws his face up in a different expression entirely, and focuses on something else entirely in turn]
Everyone always says funny or weird when I offer things...
[it's meant to be in good humor, and maybe because haru is not good at this whole peopling thing it doesn't exactly come off that way but. it's easier to switch to that, instead of feeling sorry for the kid in front of him. because he knows nothing feels worse than people's misplaced pity, especially when it's not wanted and already urging into dismissal. so haru doesn't push the matter]
If you're sure.
[haru shrugs]
...just know you're welcome with us if you want.
[the final words on the matter, before he peels off the sleep pants he just put on and steps into a pair of slacks instead, looking for another shirt that's a little more appropriate to go out in instead of his stupid loosey kun shirt. that can be reserved for bedtime he supposes. and maybe it will pull a laugh out of rin later.
he finds something in his bag though, and rolls it over in his fingers, before turning around and pushing it towards ai]
This will make it better though.
[oh that's so........swe.....et. oh. oh that's definitely one of haru's hand carved, weird ass mascot keychains. why it was sitting in the bottom of his bag, he won't know but. maybe if nitori didn't want the candy he might want a reminder of home, a good luck charm. who doesn't love iwatobi-chan after all?]
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Date: 2025-10-24 11:27 pm (UTC)Haruka relents, and Ai is grateful for it. Even conjures another smile at Haru's dismissive quip; Ai was used to dry personalities, and wasn't afraid to flaunt his own when circumstance called for it. Despite their current situation, Rin was famously acquainted with Ai's deadpan... It felt familiar, and helps to ease the broadening, yawning gap in Ai's chest.]
Thank you... Maybe tomorrow night.
[Even though Haruka's measured presence had turned out to be a salve, Ai is still relieved to have his space back; he settles back against the bed, arms folded over his face. Drawing in deep breaths to find his equilibrium. Rin will likely come out of the bathroom soon, and it'd be no good if Ai was found a mess.
He hears Haru shuffle this time, so Ai politely lowers his arms and sits up. Blinks at the little hand-hewn trinket, and accepts it gingerly into his palms.]
Nanase-san, did you make this? [Ai turns it over in his hands, inspecting the handiwork. The grin he wears is warm and sincere.] Rin-senpai mentioned you're good at this kind of stuff, Nagisa-kun too... Are you sure I can have it?
[He wants to cry for entirely different reasons now, not that it makes it to his countenance. Nanase-san is kind. Keeps bringing Things to Ai like a confused dog trying to cheer up its owner. It's impossible not to feel a small bloom of warmth in his chest, a minute's reprieve from the abyssal cold that seems to touch him more and more lately.]
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Date: 2025-10-25 03:13 am (UTC)It's all yours. I can make another .
[there's no need to add on he could easily fabricate it in about five seconds or less. because even haru doesn't think about the time in his weird hobbies like drawing and sculpting and whittling, he just likes doing it when he has the time. not that swimming on the national team leaves him much time unfortunately. but such is life. maybe there will be time for it someday. he always has a sketchpad in his bag, so maybe sometime...
ai looks significantly happier than whenever they started this awkward conversation. or really stepped foot into this hotel room to begin with. he watches ai take the small figure between his fingertips, gently turning it over with some unsung admiration. it's enough to tug the corner of haru's mouth a little before he shrugs on his jacket, carefully dragging his hands down and smoothing the front a little bit]
Rest, or whatever you need to do.
[haru drifts over to the bathroom door, and leans against it with a small sigh, pulling up his phone]
...Ikuya asked if I would help him with some butterfly strokes. Guess I should--
[the door flies open so fucking fast haru almost falls through it, and rin is clad in nothing but boxers, his pants half pulled up and his face burning from more than just the shower, biting his lip so hard it looks painful]
LIKE HELL KIRISHIMA IS SWIMMING FLY WITH YOU AGAIN--
[haru just shrugs and mouths a better hurry then before he slips out the hotel door and leaves rin scrambling for clothes]
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Date: 2025-10-25 03:27 am (UTC)It had been so easy for Haruka to see enough of him to want to help. He owed Ai nothing, but he still tried. In an instant, Ai understands how people like Rin can come to crave that warmth, the type that seems to radiate from the inside. Passively, Ai wonders if he's capable of being that kind of person, too.
He places Iwatobi-kun on top of their shared dresser, and says little else. He'd already told Rin on the bus he planned to hang back tonight, so despite their... Moment, Ai's hoping Rin will just dip out without saying much of anything. Ai's doing exactly what he's been told to: trying harder. So rather than making Rin's departure any longer than it has to be, Ai again takes up his phone, scrolling back to his photo roll. Looking at old photos of his dog. Old photos of the Samezuka team. Of cafes and people he's seen on the streets of Tokyo. Doing a painfully good job of becoming one with the air in the room.]
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Date: 2025-11-01 04:20 pm (UTC)and that helps ease the worries. a tiny bit at least.
and so, he takes his time. washing the travel grime off of himself. indulging in the hot water with a few soft sounds, trying to finally force himself to relax from the awkward situation he--well, they all have--been dumped into. but eventually, his muscles begin to lax a bit, his forehead pressed against the tile less in hopes of cracking his skull and more grateful for the little pressure it provides.
eventually though, he knows he needs to go back out and face reality. he's never shied from a challenge before (a fat fucking lie) and he's not about to now. so he shoves the lever to the off position, begins to towel himself off and starts shoving his clothes on only to hear--
ikuya asked if i would help him with some butterfly strokes.
and rin is stupid, and rin sees red as he shoves the door open, haru almost falling through in the process. fuck that cool, stupid guy!! fuck both of them! rin will forever be bitter that ikuya swam the im with haru, because haru ever swam fly for rin. and rin is a sore loser and is not letting this one go.
except the guy just shrugs and walks away, leaving rin to his own devices, free of torso coverings with his pants half pulled up. he grits his teeth and scoffs, muttering as he hauls himself back to his bed and continues getting dressed. he assumes that means haru is going out, probably waiting out for him......rin looks over at ai with a frown, as he dumps his towel on the bed, fumbling for his necklace and trying to rake his fingers through his hair to make it somewhat presentable]
...sure you just want to stay in tonight?
[rin asks awkwardly, giving ai a little look. he doesn't want his friend feeling alienated, like he has to hide himself away because of everything. he feels bad. extremely. because he knows everything they just fussed over not thirty minutes ago. or rather rin fussed over most of all. he trails his hand from his hair down his neck with a huff]
Y'know, you can always ask Sousuke if he wants to go out or whatever too. Don't think he's coming with.
[rin actually has no idea and thats a rude as hell assumption to make. but he shrugs as he pulls his red flannel over himself]
Just let me know if you need anything? I mean it.
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Date: 2025-11-01 05:01 pm (UTC)When he's around his other friends, he makes faces he never makes around me. Since that time, it seems little has changed. And in an instant, Ai's gut is overwhelmed again for the umpteenth time with the latent shame at ever having once in his life assumed he stood a chance. A moment's mistake that is going to chase him to the very end of his life.
Ai shakes his head to himself. Not that long. Not if I try harder.
He lifts his head from where he'd been scrolling when addressed, giving Rin a kind smile he really doesn't want to plaster on his face,] I said it on the bus, didn't I? There's no way I can keep up with everyone tonight. I just need to rest for a little bit, and I'll be good as new tomorrow. Promise.
[Ai knows Sousuke isn't going out because he's texted Sousuke a handful of times since coming back to the hotel room and even Sousuke has offered to come keep Ai company but Ai has emphatically shot him down. Because it'd be so incredibly rude and insensitive to make his problem Sousuke's problem. He of course hasn't given any details - hasn't had the time to type that much, nor would Ai be inclined to bare his soul to anyone right now. All the same, it's an offer he's not taking up.
Just let me know if you need anything? I mean it. Ai nearly wants to laugh, but just nods kindly.]
Thank you, Rin-senpai. [Ai shifts to get off the bed, intent on using the shower as soon as Rin's cleared out. It's also a good excuse - gathering his clothes and a towel - to not have to look at him.] Have fun! Don't let Nanase-san run circles around you. Ah, tell Kirishima-senpai I'll see him tomorrow.
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Date: 2025-11-04 03:37 am (UTC)he always keeps his word. never breaks a promise]
Agh, fine. Holding you to that.
[rin finally bites out, frowning with his hands shoved in his pockets as he's finally gathered himself into some state of dress that doesn't look like he just crawled half naked out of the shower to rise to some half-assed bait.
but rin lingers for a moment longer, watching ai gather some things for himself. taking care of himself last. rin thinks to himself dimly, rubbing his hand through his hair. he hates how much he fidgets with the back of his neck and his hair these days. a nervous tic embodied into something he relies on far too much for comfort and to ground himself. something sinks in rin, thinking maybe ai really doesn't want to be around him, wanted to be rooming with anyone else. and that just helps propel him out the door with a click of his tongue as he grabs his phone and wallet, slipping into his shoes]
Text me if you get tired, we'll be quiet when we come back.
[he lingers in the doorway for a moment. something feels stuck in his throat. but he hears ikuya down the hall, giving his farewells to sousuke he presumes... before that gets him out the door with one final wave]
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Date: 2025-11-04 03:56 am (UTC)The moment the door shuts, Ai's face wipes clean. Rin's actions don't quite align with his words, and it settles unwell in Ai. Try harder. But then why does Rin look at him like that, as if begging Ai to beg for him? Try harder, and yet navigates to the hallway of the hotel floor with consideration as the last thing on his tongue? It'd be enough to send Ai's head into a tailspin if he wasn't already dead-set on being the one with a cooler head in all of this.
His shower is unremarkable. He washes his body and his hair and is grateful for once that he can stare at a tiled floor and not be reminded of the exact moment he ruined it all.
It's a long one, thirty-ish minutes spent letting his thoughts go with the steam; when he reemerges he's doing his best impression of a prune. The room is dead silent without anyone in it, which Ai finds in equal measure lonely and a relief. There is a small part of him that wishes he'd gone out, but... I just can't. I know someone would have something to say, and I can't do that right now.
Ai changes into pyjamas and settles back into his bed, looking at call times for the upcoming week on his phone. Then, he sees Sousuke's name flash on his screen.
>you stayed in?
>>I still wanted to shower.
>did you eat
>>I'll find something.
There is so much that is said in what isn't; Sousuke avoiding the obvious tells Ai he must have thoughts of his own, and that's enough for Ai to close his phone and rest it on his chest.
... It'd really be no good to go to bed hungry. Shimogami jacket on, Ai wanders down to the hotel lobby. Passes a few teammates who also stayed back, says hello. Finds a small kiosk-cafe where he orders some odds and ends in broken English... He brings a juice, a half baguette sandwich, and some dried fruit back up to the room. Spends about fifteen minutes eating it all at the desk, and throws away his trash. Back into bed, under the covers, but not quite settled.
Ai stares up at the ceiling. This constant, gnawing dread-- when last did he feel it so consistently? This isn't like me. I'm annoyed. A last ditch effort to be at peace with his own thoughts: headphones, plugged into his phone and pressed into his ear. It may be a while yet before his roommates return, and Ai would rather spend that time thinking about literally anyone or anything else; French indie rock seemed appropriate.]
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Date: 2025-11-05 03:30 am (UTC)all he can think of is his roommate.
the one who rin had never seen in such a miserable state until just an hour or so prior. the one who rin had torn down to such a lowly demeanor throughout his transgressions and faults. they can vocalize all they want that it's in the past. they've put such things behind them, but rin knows something still gnaws at their cores. something that hasn't quite been shoved all the way aside. teetering and looming, with that shadow. that thing that always seems to be there.
one drink down, he pulls out his phone and stares at the screen. ikuya squints at him, asking if he's expecting someone. rin says no, and stuffs his phone back in his pocket.
two drinks down, he pulls it out again while the elder kirishima joins them and drags his brother out on the dance floor. ai might see something if he's looking at all about rin is typing... once or twice. but the glass is filled without him even asking.
three drinks down, and he watches ikuya and natsuya drag haru onto the dance floor. the bar is alive with patrons, and rin glances back down at his phone. he wonders what ai is doing. a shift of crimson towards the empty glass. all of this started because of alcohol. a drunken text, which turned to invitation and--
four drinks down, and his phone is stuffed in his pocket while he tries to navigate the dance floor with his friends amongst the swell of music.
five drinks down, and there's arms draped over his neck and cerulean is the only thing he can see. his stomach feels like it's in knots, and it feels too hot. there's a brush of foreheads just like back in the parking garage. but ikuya accidentally elbows rin, and then drags him off by the belt loop with a drunken stupid laugh. and rin snaps back into place with a jolt, even though his head feels so heavy. and when he looks at ikuya when they dance, that sinking feeling is gone.
eventually though, the high begins to die down. ikuya and natsuya dragging them back to the hotel. the two kirishimas are totally opposite one another. ikuya can hold it down pretty well, despite how many he's had. natsuya is a fucking mess and ikuya waves them off at the elevator, saying he has to make sure this guy ends up in the right room. rin lets out a stupid giggle and waves them off, and haru makes some weird hiccupy sound before the door closes and they're left alone again.
rin doesn't even bother to hide how fast he stumbles towards their room. he doesn't even know what time it is. his phone died a while back, him not charging it beforehand and leaving his screen open on an unsent text far too long probably did it in. but as he's in front of the door fumbling for his keycard, haru stumbles against his back and rin feels hot breath against his neck.
and his face burns as he shoves the door open probably harder than necessary, muttering a quick 'shit...sorry' though he's not sure if that's directed towards ai or haru who stumbles through the door when rin does. rin blinks over at ai on his bed, and lets out a little hiss of relief. at least he has headphones in but... rin bristles a little. because he's drunk and his mind immediately goes to the worst place and. he doesn't think he's ever seen ai go to sleep with headphones in...has he? or has he just somehow missed that in every capacity too?
bitterness washes over him. is he that bad of a friend?
but then something else floods him, and he grits his teeth. or did ai put his headphones in because he and haru--
rin tries so desperately to shove the thought aside as he quietly makes his way over to his bed. haru starts peeling his clothes off without shame, and rin bites his lip this time, whipping his head over his shoulder to hiss]
Oi. We've got roommates who haven't seen your bare ass y'know.
[haru blinks in confusion over at him, but shrugs and just makes some comment as he so kindly keeps his jammers on while he climbs into bed. rin barely catches it through the thick slur of his stupid drunken words, but it sounds like 'if you're that worried, do something about it' and rin wants to fucking scream into his pillow as he tries to shove the charger into his phone.
every orifice is fucking burning. the alcohol. his face. between his legs because he can't discern if haru was just making some smarmy comment or seriously implying that rin should go over and-- he quickly changes into his tank-top and briefs (in the bathroom!! thanks!!) before storming back out and throwing one of his shirts at haru with a mutter]
Be fucking respectful of other people, and put it on. Christ.
[haru looks at the shirt, looks at rin, shrugs and finally puts it on. rin shoves himself under his sheets, his phone back on. he squints at his messages, not seeing anything new...ah, there's one from sousuke. just a meme. one of ikuya dumping natsuya's ass in his room. cool cool. rin's thumb brushes over ai's contact and...
well. the message is gone. rin bites his lip and just shoots his roommate a quick]
sorry, hope we didn't wake you
[before he shoves his pillow over his head, squinting at his phone through the thick alcohol induced fog in his brain. whether they did or ai sees it in the wee hours of the morning, rin probably won't be sleeping for a while yet. too aware of every noise of ai and haru shifting in the sheets around him. it feels deafening]
no subject
Date: 2025-11-05 03:57 am (UTC)He has... Never, ever seen Rin drunk. Or Haruka, for that matter. It'd escaped his mind that this could be a possibility, and the downright sloppy, uncoordinated ways they both make it across the room have Ai peeling his headphones off...
Just in time to hear it, slurred or otherwise. Do something about it. He puts his headphones right back in.
If eyes were on him for even two seconds, it'd be obvious that Ai was watching them both up until the moment Haru started stripping; for his own sanity, he turns the volume up on the music he's listening to, resting down on his bed with his back to his two roommates. Surely if he becomes one with the white linen sheets, he could just. Disappear? And not have to play voyeur to whatever drunken, probably lust-fueled nothings are being muttered behind his back?
Because he'd been busy mostly trying to read up on their call sheets, some of their contemporaries from other teams, and some local history, Ai didn't have his texting window open; a few notifications from Sousuke, even, had gone unattended to.
But seeing Rin's name flash over his screen knowing full well the guy is about ten feet behind him? Ai hesitates to look over his shoulder for a moment, fearful of what he'll see. He ultimately doesn't, just. Stares at the message.
He makes a very quick edit to Rin's name in his contacts list first before tabbing into the message properly from his notification pane.
And then debates even replying. Was it worth it? Ai thinks Rin would read into it too much if he didn't type something. Much as he doesn't want to put the mask back on, however brief. His thumbs move with a haste as if he hadn't just heard Haruka make a pass at the guy,]
Hope everyone had fun!
[-- before lowering his phone to the mattress and staring into the middle distance, across the room to the door. His mind wipes blank, as if to match what little of his chest he has left to give. Two weeks of this? Mikhail-ojiisan was right, maybe.]
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Date: 2025-11-10 03:38 pm (UTC)he huffs, shoving his phone back under his pillow. it's tempting to throw that pillow over at someone. haru for being an asshole, or ai for being cryptic and weird. drunk rin would absolutely do something like that if he was still standing up. but then he just remembers porcelain scattered over tile, and swallows down the thought. all while he buries his face into his pillow.
even in a drunken stupor, sleep doesn't come easily. he can't tell if he's having nightmares all night, or just tossing and turning so aggressively or overheating or whatever, that light is slipping through the curtains before he knows it. and the migraines he's been able to fight off for so many weeks? no, this one is back in full force.
whether that's a famous hangover or lack of sleep, the world may never know. he has stubbornly refused to look around the room at all throughout the night. or even open his eyes. settling instead for keeping the sheets tugged over his eyes, or his face buried in his pillow. he hears his roommates throughout the night. and he wishes he couldn't. they were told not to go too crazy, and rin overdid it. he knows natsuya is a bad influence and he really shouldn't go out with the guy.
but then again there was the whole breathing in of the new city and riding the high of victory with friends and--
like fuck he's going on a jog this morning. groaning, he pulls himself up a bit to rest on his elbows, staring at the wall behind his pillow like it's personally done him some great offense. all through the stabbing pain throbbing through his head. he takes a swig from the bottle next to his bed, pressing the bottle against his temple for some chilled pressure point relief]
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Date: 2025-11-10 03:55 pm (UTC)Enough for sleep to hit him like a freight train, too mentally exhausted to fight it for once. Compared to Rin, he sleeps soundly, only waking up once or twice less because of the turmoil in the yawning gap of his chest and more from acclimation to a new environment, new sounds, even new people.
He'd set an alarm, bright and early, though manages to wake just soon enough to kill it before it can even ring once. Rin may be too hungover for a jog, and Ai isn't so sure offering for Haruka to come when he's also in a bad way is a good idea, so he sets to very very quietly changing into his activewear and, for the first time, steps out to the city. It's hard to take Paris in in all its splendor when cruising along at nine miles an hour, but all the same the old architecture and many dogs being walked on the sidewalks are enough to give him a bit more wind back in his sails - a motivation and peace he desperately needed.
He completes a circuit and approaches the hotel about an hour and a half later, reinvigorated and refreshed... Even if looking upon the facade curdles his gut some. Trepidation aside, Ai enters, rides the elevator up to their floor. Very very quietly unlocks the door with the room key, pushing it in quietly so as not to disturb those who are ailing... And who knows what else. Ai squeezes through the door, closes it quietly behind him, drops his running bag...
On the desk he places two bananas, two tall coffees, a pack of ginger chews, and two metallic tins of electrolyte oxygenated water. Spares a moment to try and gauge if either Rin or Haruka are awake, but... If they aren't, I don't want to be the one to wake them. And figures his attempts here speak for themself.
Ai gathers a clean change of clothes and escapes into the shower room, closing the door behind him.]
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Date: 2025-11-14 04:03 pm (UTC)it would be one thing if the consideration and thoughtfulness only stretched so far as to one of them. but it was both. and that's when something lurches in rin that has little to do with the hangover that is beginning to fester. but then he hears the shower turn on, and that thing settles. at least momentarily. rin hauls himself out of bed, pressing his palm against his head with a little groan. haru still looks dead to the world, so rin tries to stay quiet as he walks over to the desk.
his hand raises to drag his thumb over the offerings. before he bites his lip, and turns his gaze towards the bathroom door. he really has been an ass about all of this, hasn't he? it's not that he didn't know that fact, but seeing this physical manifestation of pure kindness and selflessness towards the awkwardness of their situation rips him apart inside.
rin nibbles at one of the ginger chews, chasing it down quickly with a sip of his coffee, pressing the cup against his head as his brows furrow. he wanders back to his bed, pulling his phone out from under his pillow. he never replied to ai last night. and maybe that's for the best. maybe the drunk addled side of him would have lashed out in a less than kind manner. it's just all too easy to feel that distance growing larger and larger as the seconds tick on.
he hates how easy that side of him is to slip into]
thanks
[attached is a picture of the ginger chew wrapper next to the coffee, the banana half eaten]
no subject
Date: 2025-11-14 05:28 pm (UTC)He rinses off his body and doesn't bother washing his hair. He examines his face in the glaringly bright mirror lights and counts the bags under his eyes, questioning if they've always been that prominent or if the mirror is playing tricks. He habitually ruffles his hair... And remembers their conversation from a few days before leaving for Paris. Ai brushes his hair back down with his fingers.
He's quiet as he enters back into the room, clad in day clothes. For the first few steps as he tries to tip-toe his way back to his bed, he keeps his eyes down, purposefully trying to avoid looking Rin's way. But... Just as he nears his own bed, it becomes impossible. Curiosity - habit - overtakes him, and sky blue eyes cast themselves sidelong to catch Haru - still very dead to the world - and Rin both in his gaze. Rin with a coffee cup pressed to his head. Ai's eyes aren't on him long enough to determine whether or not Rin's looked his way; Ai carefully and quietly slides back on top of his bed, one leg tucked under himself. Habitually takes hold of his phone again.
Sees Rin's text. He smiles, just barely, and resents the almost sweet feeling that blooms in his chest. He looks toward the evidence, the desk with only Haru's half still on it, and then another sideward glance is given Rin's way. Ai hates how he hesitates, words pummeling his frontal lobe but unable to put them down to the screen.
Still he tries, because at some point he will have to find a balance between try harder and he's still my friend,]
How are you feeling?
You look terrible.
[He sends it with a smile. A part of him doesn't want to open the floor, but... After a few seconds,]
How was last night?
no subject
Date: 2025-11-18 05:14 pm (UTC)a little smirk to himself as he glances over that you look terrible. must really be a pathetic sight for ai to say something like that huh?]
thanks a bunch
[he hopes the tone comes off as teasingly as its intended to be, while he quickly tacks on a thumbs down emoji after the fact. he takes another sip of the coffee, glancing over at haru's bed with a slight feeling of...disdain? confusion? frustration?
he isn't quite sure how to place it. especially when ai's last text comes through and there's an obvious tenseness in the lines of his shoulders. it's foggy but present. dancing, the burn of drink after drink sliding down his throat. there's no denying the fun they had--all of them had, last night. but with a glance back at ai, he can't help but still feel the tug of disappointment. that there was someone missing through the throngs of it all.
but then maybe it's a small blessing too. ai's already caught up in this tangled mess of rooming with the two of them. seeing everything last night might have been too raw and fresh for him. rin's trying this whole consideration thing instead of acting on his feelings and impulse. his thumb brushes over his screen. decidedly, there's no clear cut answer to give. but he settles with the best one he can muster]
it was fun :)
[...was it? seeing haru pull his blanket over his head, remembering being pressed against the door and that stupid comment he couldn't discern. was it teasing like always? meant to rile him up and have him spitting? or something else? rin doesn't know. and it's not important right now anyway. it was probably just the booze. there's no way that--]
run when i'm not half dead?
[he asks it, but for some reason, rin's already bracing himself for the refusal. dimly aware of the inches slowly being added to the distance between them. piece by piece]
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Date: 2025-11-18 05:36 pm (UTC)He reacts to Rin's thumbs down with a thumbs up emoji. Ai knows regardless of subjectively how he feels, it's for the better if he can leave room for Rin to start feeling better, physically and mentally. But the curiosity that plays at the forefront of his mind leads to a damning and dangerous thought of its own: I don't want to go out tonight. Not with them. Especially not when it appears Rin got on just fine without him present the night before. Ai's acutely aware he'd be a burden, and knowing Sousuke would likely be part of the pack too, doesn't want to proliferate this mess beyond the walls of their hotel room.
I'm getting ahead of myself. Besides, this will be normal going forward. It's for the best I get used to it.
He squints when Rin sends-- is that a smiley? Despite himself, Ai looks over to him with a blink and folded eyebrows.
And he, too, watches as Haru pulls the covers over his head. Ai doesn't think he's ever seen the guy so animated, neither last night or right now. They must've really thrown them back, he thinks. Or is it just the natural progress of being in Rin's orbit again? He'd been so unabashed about putting his hands on him-- Ai rubs his hand over his forehead, mussing up his fringe. Stop thinking about things that aren't important!
He pulls his legs up on the bed, bent in front of his chest, phone held closer to his lap than his face. Rin's invitation for a run is sweet, but...]
I just came back from one.
Ah, but I can go a second round.
[Friends jog together all the time. So this much is fine, right? After just a small delay he then tacks on,]
We should ask Nanase-san when he's awake if he wants to come.
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