for @buttterfly - post-tfln

[taeru]

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[taeru]

[That momentary relief and actual, genuine, tangible hope deflates a little as soon as Rin leaves the door - as if Ai relied on Rin to conjure those feelings. As if hope was something he didn't deserve on his own. All the same, he's made up his mind and isn't keen to waffle on it again; it'd do neither of them good to renege on attempts at normalcy, especially now.

He has too much to prove to himself, to Rin, and now the press apparently. Moving through tenuous, deep-seated sentiments was hard enough alone, let alone given to broadcast. Ai reminds himself of what he'd promised to himself only a few days prior: lock and key. It'd be better for all involved if not so much as a whiff of truth could be scented. Ai had his motivations before, but now Rin's career felt like it was on the line. I won't slip a second time.

The first couple of hours Ai spends trying very very hard to ignore his phone and drafting up his resignation letter, something he'll bring with him during his shift in two days. Then it's preparing a light lunch as promised; given both he and Rin were often very busy, homecooked meals were something of a rarity for the midday, but Ai decided not to go for a run on account of his little spell earlier, and sees it as good of a use of his time as any. It's nothing special; fresh rice, marinated veg, and grilled mackerel (Nanase is really onto something with that, it's cheap and nutritious.)

By the time Rin returns, his portion of the food is sitting on the partition countertop with wrap overtop of it, and Ai is sat at the teeny dining table, very slowly eating his own while intently texting with his free hand.

>if it gets too bad you should see a doctor
>>I've felt fine since.
>you are a poster child of a ticking time bomb
>>None of us are at our best when we're stressed!
>yeah but it's a marvel when it's you

Ai blinks and then sits up a little when Rin returns, taking stock of his posture, clearly wrung dry. It wasn't unusual for Rin to be out for runs as long as this, but given their circumstance and Rin's leg, it doesn't settle well in Ai's gut... Still, there's always a spark whenever Rin returns. One might even call it relief.]

Senpai, welcome back. You were out a while... [He stands up, hands on the back of his chair,] There's food if you want it. What route did you take?

[buttterfly]

[he grimaces, as he looks at the time. fuck, he knew he had been out for some time but that long? runners high, or whatever hits and it hits hard when he's like this. rin bites his lip, stepping out of his shoes and hanging his running jacket up. he'll wash it later, he just needs to sit for a few minutes. then shower. then wash of]

Sorry, got kinda caught up in my head I guess.

[it's not a lie. not by a longshot. rin pushes a few strands of sweaty bangs back, grabbing his water bottle off the counter and taking a few long, thoughtful chugs out of it. he tips his head back down, and leans against the counter, catching his breath again. his eyes stray over the plate thoughtfully wrapped up over him. his throat tightens. now he feels bad.

ai did say he was going to make them lunch after all. ugh. why is he so fucking bad at all of this?]

...thank you. This looks great.

[it's spoken sincerely, softly. genuine gratitude pouring out. because he doesn't deserve all this. but he tries to rationalize it, and say that he's cooked meals for ai more than a few times. he can let ai return the favor for once. he unwraps it, grabbing a pair of chopsticks and not bothering to heat it up]

I took that route past the gym. Uh, a few times over. Just kind of looped to get out of my head, you know?

[he picks at the mackerel, a frown crossing his face. it can either be shit or really, really good. and as rin lets it pass his lips, he decides ai is one of the people that can make it really, really good. he hums thoughtfully, swallowing it down]

This is fucking great. Better than what I had the other night with Mikhail. Even Haru thought it was shit.

[oops. what was that about rin not having told ai about seeing haru the other night]

[taeru]

[Something about Ai brightens a bit when Rin seems to settle into cooling down and eating with relative calm. Ai might even call him slightly, barely chipper - seems a run did him good. He even has his food complimented! Ai was hardly a gourmet chef, but the times he mealprepped, he wanted to do a good job - and he had the time to spare this afternoon, so it only gave him more incentive to cook something Rin could actually enjoy.

What a change from the late morning; Ai's smiling as he turns his phone's lock screen off and pushes it aside.]

It's not too bad, right? I'm glad you like it.

[And then his smile just. Freezes. As if letting it drop at that exact moment would allow room for Rin to needle and prod and read into all the wrong things.

I knew it. He isn't surprised about the truth; just a little hurt Rin thought to hide it from him. Was Ai so weak, impressionable? But I've hidden worse from him. So that makes me equally as guilty.

Well. Elephant's in the room now. Ai is too emotionally tired to make a big to-do about it, and the mood had just been lifted so high for a moment there. It's all he can do to keep the conversation rolling normally, and doing that thing he sometimes does: leading Rin to realize it on his own. Doesn't want to rub his nose in it. Doesn't want to talk about it at all, if he's honest.]

Ahh, is that why you were running so fast? Nanase-san was there? [He tilts his head, eyebrows knit in the center of his forehead in a put-on simper.] I thought my uncle must've said something weird.

[buttterfly]

[it's easy to tell when the mood of the room shifts.

all rin said was it was the three hour dinner from hell. that's it. after everything that happened, he just didn't think straight, wasn't thinking to bring up haru because of. well. everything fresh on his mind. or at least that's how he tries to rationalize it. rin bits his lip, ducking his head much akin to a shameful dog caught rooting through the garbage]

...I mean, he did.

[rin tries to cough it up. how could dinner with mikhail not be weird? it didn't matter if azuma and haru were or weren't there. he tries not to feel like he just trashed whatever mood the two of them had just salvaged. it's always like that, he always does this. and it's sour in the back of his throat as he tries to shove food past his lips that tasted so good earlier. now it just feels like sand in his mouth]

Doesn't seem like a big deal. Our coaches are just chummy, that's all.

[rin tries to brush it under the rug]

...did you hear back from him? Uh. Mikhail, that is.

[taeru]

[It was only a small prick. Of the amount of blood spilled, this was just a drop - a small hurt at being lied to, obfuscated. Ai didn't care the contents. Or maybe Rin had just forgotten, a thought that edges closer to the truth than he realizes. An even bigger truth lay right under both their noses: it wasn't his business. Ultimately. Rin keeping his cards close to his chest was nothing new; in their first year together, Ai's patience had been pushed to the ends of the universe, giving Rin the space to come to him on his own terms. This wasn't really much different.

So he smiles, trying very very hard to recapture that mood.]

It isn't a big deal. Well, Mikhail-ojiisan has mentioned Ryuuji-san a few times, though I never got to meet him.

[It was easy to talk (loving) shit about his uncle, and if it kept the atmosphere from scruffing Rin, Ai was happy to indulge in low-hanging fruit. Asked about his comms, Ai for a moment turns his phone back over, sees the only unread badges he has are from Sousuke, sighs, and turns it back down on its face.]

No... But he could be running damage control, who knows. [Ai tilts his head thoughtfully, pushing a piece of rice around on his plate. For all his bravado, his appetite is suddenly gone.] I think it's more likely he'd try to contact you first with an update, anyway.

[buttterfly]

He's an ass.

[rin immediately spits, dimly aware of the tantrum he threw and how azuma happily tossed it right back in his face. told him to actually do something and. well. haru and his coach maybe have some more things alike than rin cares to dwell on in this moment.

he pushes his plate aside, it's mostly finished anyways. and he doesn't want to draw any offense to ai when he just ranted and raved about how palatable this particular mackerel was. rin pulls his phone out of his own pocket, and looks over it. nothing. something from haru and sousuke, but he chooses to ignore those for the time being]

He's your uncle. And it involves you too, so I don't know.

[rin doesn't. he's never had to deal with something of this caliber. it's messy and awkward, and he suddenly doesn't know how to proceed with this conversation. he pushes around a small bit of rice on his plate, grumbling to himself about something or another. sure they gave him some sort of...room for contacting them. no deadlines or anything, but.

rin gnaws the inside of his cheek, his other hand tapping a few fingers up and down]

Heard first training camp might be in Paris. Guess Japan and Paris struck up some deal to "boost international affairs" or whatever.

[attaboy, change the subject]

[taeru]

[He smiles in that polite, deflective way of his.] Of course, we're family. But in this instance, swimming comes first. [Ai had been the one to wedge that distance between him and his uncle after all, unable to face him without having the strength and skill to consider himself worthy. Of family! And of course they still loved each other, and kept in very frequent contact, but where it concerned matters of the swimming world - PR disasters included - Ai knew who Mikhail would prioritize, and it's Ai's fault for setting it that way.

Well. His appetite died at the perfect time, given his plate is mostly cleared out; Ai rises to his feet to bring it into the kitchen to wash. Looks over his shoulder at Rin at the mention of Paris, though. This time, his smile is genuine, and maybe a little sheepish.]

It'd be my first time in the city. First training camp, too. I already feel a little nervous. [Sink is on, sponge is in hand. As he washes his plate, his eyes roll up in thought.] Isn't it the city of love? Somehow, that feels like a pressure... Ah, but when I think 'Paris,' I think of people walking their very expensive dogs.

[buttterfly]

[he hears the city of love, and grimaces a little. it's the last thing on his mind, and the last thing he even wants to begin to think about. worse still is he can't even imagine his coach in such a place. the look on his face is more than obvious, so he latches onto ai's comment about dogs instead]

You ever think about getting yourself one? When you retire from the pool?

[obviously none of them have time for things like pets right now.

he remembers ai's story when he first arrived of the family dog. he remembered ai mentioning that dog all throughout their time at school together. ai really is an animal person. he rubs the back of his neck, absentmindedly fiddling with his phone while he waits for ai to free up at the sink. he'll wash his own plate, thanks]

Just a thought obviously.

[he immediately backs off, because it suddenly feels like he's somehow overstepping his boundaries. things he's allowed to say. because evidently everytime he runs his mouth he just ruins every conversation with something stupid]

[taeru]

[One would think Rin's soured expression at Ai's turn of phrase might have Ai recoiling, even grimacing in his own right, or looking to move past it just as quickly. No; despite himself, Ai laughs. Circumstance wasn't anywhere near his mind with that one, just preemptively captivated with the idea of one of the most global cities in the entire world. Ai wasn't delusional enough to try anything anyway; his 'Parisian love' might begin and end at buying Rin a baguette. A beret, maybe.

Rin's shuffled along though, so Ai does too. This normalcy does something to help salve his small wound, so he's just as eager not to harp on things. Hangs his plate in the drying rack to make room for Rin who he knows is wont to do the same; Ai leans against the counter, giving it sincere thought. He really did miss his dog so much.]

Of course. Well, not that I try to think too much about what life after the swimming circuit looks like. But it'd be nice to foster, I think. [It's easy to picture: one five-foot-seven Nitori Aiichirou with six dogs of various sizes clipped to his waist, walking them near the Sumidagawa river or one of the ocean banks back in Iwatobi. It's hard to feel lonely or lesser-than when you have that many vulnerable personalities relying on you.

He does notice the way Rin pulls back, though. He has half a mind to grow frustrated; I want to hear all the things you have to say! I'm not that fragile! But the last time he put Rin that thoroughly in check, well. He'd been yanked away from this very counter. Suddenly, Ai's rubbing the back of his neck, but leveling Rin with an amicable expression.]

You like dogs, don't you senpai? I remember you'd try to pet the ones you'd see on our runs. [His smile grows, and then softly morphs into something sheepish.] I could see you owning one, or even a cat, but it's much harder to imagine you in a world where you're not swimming for something.

[buttterfly]

[that makes rin think a little. is it so bad to be reaching so far into the future, that there's even the consideration of possibilities for life after everything? the pool? the medals? what does rin ideal world look like after that? the years spent absent from the water after hitting the wall were some of the most miserable of his existence. is it wise to retreat back into that lifestyle? or has he been cured so to speak by "the power of friendship" and the bonds he's curated through the years?

he glances over at ai, rubbing the back of his neck. his gaze lingers for a moment. where would he be without this friendship in particular? the bitter, self deprecating part of his mind says his friend wouldn't be neck deep in a possible scandal and miserable beyond belief. but ai and haru are arguably some of the keypoints in that turnaround. ai's persistence most of all. rin bites his lip, and lets his gaze drift back to the counter]

I think it would suit you. You kind of are already doing that, right?

[he doesn't mean for it to sound bad or concerning towards his ever dilapidating psyche. it just feels like fact]

Yeah. [he chuckles a little] Dogs are cool. But a cat would probably fit me better. Just need to find one that doesn't hate my guts first.

[the ones always hanging around the old Nanase residence didn't seem to absolutely despise him. maybe if he retires and that little colony is around he'll try to convince whoever is around to let him have one. haru's parents? unlikely. they seem to thrive in a jetsetting lifestyle. the tachibanas? they're the ones feeding them right now... maybe. haru? rin doesn't know where haru will end up. he has his own shit he needs to sort through right now, and some long far off future doesn't seem of vital importance right now]

Maybe I'll take up Makoto's path. Coaching doesn't sound bad. Long as it's not like it was babysitting you lot...

[spoken absolutely affectionately]

[taeru]

[Ai looks at Rin in that way that often functions as a premonition for imminent disaster. A crinkle in his eye, too mirthful; a smile so extremely polite, and kind, and affable, and gentle that behind its wretched curl do multiple horrible, terrible decrees lay.

He even pairs it with a tilt of his head this time.]

I wouldn't go as far as to say that, Rin-senpai. You're nothing like a foster dog!

You're more like a wet cat who found its way in from the street.

[A cat does fit him better. Ai likes cats, too; they're often way more calm, and nowhere near as excitable. His parents always kept dogs, is all, so his bias is quite an arbitrary one.

He's now thinking of first year, and of Sakura. Ai suddenly regrets not interjecting himself into that one; is it possible he could have convinced Rin to keep her in their dorm? Co-cared for her? It's a thought that is far too domestic, and makes his chest flush far too warmly. Suddenly he's clearing his throat, right as Rin says that.

Maybe something about having to metaphorically bleed a little let Ai peel the veneer back again - from over-sensitivity to equilibrium. Not afraid to level Rin with an exasperated expression and fallen shoulders.]

I hardly needed babysitting! Well, if either of us needed supervising, it wasn't me... [Did he say that out loud? Oops. He's defensively crossing his arms.] Besides, if you bark at kids the way you barked at me about my desk, you might just scare them out of wanting to swim at all...

[buttterfly]

Got that right. Should have barked a little louder, and you might have gotten the picture.

[well, he did eventually. rin knows the apartment by heart enough to know that ai's turned a page in that chapter. everything has a place. even if there's that little inkling that rin knows is true. futons perpetually on the floor aren't commonplace. having to pull hoods up just a little tighter now, always looking over your shoulder when coming to and from. that's rin's fault now, isn't it? he tries to push the thought aside]

Nah, maybe you're right though.

[rin laughs, taking a swig out of his water bottle]

You turned out alright. Heard nothing but praise from the guys after I left. Wouldn't be a bad path for you to pursue either. I think you're a bit nicer than me when someone's in a crisis, after all.

[he leans his chin on his hand, humming to himself for a moment]

[taeru]

It's fun when you bite sometimes, but I actually cried back then, you know? Threatening to leave like that... I was really upset!

[It was so long ago, and Rin's more than made up for his attitudes in spades, and as far as Ai is concerned it is cemented enough as part of their mutual history that kidding around seemed fair game. Rin never went through with the room change; Ai found different reasons to cry. They both grew up a little.

Some things really don't change at all, though, like taking a compliment. Ai scratches his cheek, just under his beauty mark, lips somewhat pursed as he looks at the tiled floor.]

It's easy to be an authority when thirty people are looking to you for guidance... I definitely would have been lost without our meetings before you graduated.

[Then he's smiling, something gentle. Picks his eyes up to find Rin. For a moment, Ai finds he's grateful for this slice of normalcy, and wonders how long it'll last this time.]

For whatever it's worth, senpai, you make it easy to care. [I will absolutely never be the reason he loses his smile. This was true even back then.]

[buttterfly]

Yeah, yeah...

[rin bites his lip, fully aware of the massive temper tantrums he has tossed ai's way throughout their life. some more recent than he cares to admit. but water under the bridge. right?

the one ai refers to though really strikes a nerve. it floods him with hot shame. as the following captain, rin knows why seijuro came to the decision to pull him from the relay team like he did. rin was swimming selfishly, recklessly and without abandon. all to swim with found family again, much as he was loathe to admit it at the time. he acted cruelly, and he wishes he could take it back but.

maybe they never would have moved on from last name basis if not for that incident. and despite the transgressions, the pollution rin has dragged them through especially as of late, he wouldn't give up his friends or experiences for anything. even if he regrets something in particular, but not for the reasons one might expect]

It was some of the last time we were going to spend together. Course I wasn't going to shy away from it. Besides, you needed to be molded a little bit before they all walked all over you.

[...you make it easy to care. rin bites his lip, and continues keeping his gaze fixed elsewhere. if that's so true, then why does it feel like anytime the care comes, something transpires in its wake?]

...thanks.

[...he really should call mikhail. figure out what the fuck he's going to spin this as. but despite it, something about it doesn't feel real. and that's the worst part of all. imagining mattering so much that someone writes a hit piece, tries to trash a reputation that barely exists to begin with... he sighs, and grabs his phone]

Probably should start figuring this shit out. And training camps. [he adds on, because he hasn't forgotten and won't let ai either] Don't forget your letter.

[taeru]

[Rin had been awfully finite at the time, and with him miles away in Australia during Ai's third year, he really did think those afternoons and late nights at burger joints and in Ai's home, exchanging notes and reminiscing, would be the last times Rin would deign to give Ai his time. Sousuke tried to reassure him otherwise, but when days turned into weeks and then weeks into months without communications, Ai had figured his gut had been right the whole time.

Third best. Not good enough to call even when Rin returned to Japan briefly. Ai had been so beside himself with his inferiority, he couldn't even bring himself to text Rin either - a mentality that persisted even after Rin found his equilibrium.

It's for these reasons Ai thinks back on his final high school swim with an overwhelming fondness, Rin's voice in the bleachers louder than anyone else's, including his own mother. Even now, he's not sure what pushed him to first place and a new personal best, all his hard work, or that moment's reassurance that he wasn't a thing of the past after all.

Well. They were overdue to crash back to reality at some point. When cued, Ai shuffles out of the kitchen and back to the small dining table, collecting his phone; then, he moves back to his desk.]

It's done, I just have to turn it in. I'll bring it with me during my shift tomorrow... I thought it'd be rude if I showed up just to resign.

[He tilts his head then, placing the paper back down. Clearly contemplating something.]

I don't know what Mikhail-ojiisan is going to recommend, but I wonder if drafting a statement isn't a bad idea either. [Even if he and Rin resolved to continue on as normal, who knows what professional council might suggest? He'd much rather think about training camps than PR stunts, so Ai massages his temples.] Ahh! But about Paris. What are the hotels like? Will you be alone, Rin-senpai?

[buttterfly]

You're too nice, dude.

[rin laughs softly. if he was saddled with a job right now, then he would probably bail, too focused on riding the highs. but ai is right, ai is reasonable. leaving a gap in the work team, people you see near daily and trust to help you accomplish a fixed goal? maybe rin really is a selfish guy. he swallows, and shakes his head]

But you're right. You're probably a valued member. Bet they'll be happy to tell everyone you're on the olympic team now.Some good PR.

[an obvious dig at their own predicament. but he doesn't swell on it too long, because ai's already beat him to the punch and brings it up momentarily before letting it slip again. rin will let it go too. there's no point in drudging it up and getting into another tiff. not when things feel normal again after the roller coaster of emotions they've been through over the proceeding weeks]

Oh, right! You've never done one of these before. They're pretty cool.

[rin remembers his first one fondly]

Usually double or triple occupancy. Buddy system to make sure none of us are getting into too much trouble. Totally random, unless you hate someone's guts they might take it into consideration. Hotels are great. Usually we've got a curfew, and they ask people to not make a scene if you do go out.

[taeru]

[Ai scratches his cheek again, something of a nervous habit,] Ah, I wouldn't go that far... They're great guys, but I don't think they follow sports very closely.

[It feels like a rarity nowadays to catch Rin reminiscing, let alone fondly. It's the undercurrent of passion Ai can identify readily - the very same that had infected and permeated the air yesterday during the better half of their morning and afternoon at the All-Japan. It's immediately infectious, causing Ai's face to bisect with a wide smile.

Double or triple occupancy, huh? And pulled from a lottery of names. Ai likes to think himself as someone who is easy to get along with, so he's not too worried; rather, the idea of rooming without Rin leaves him canting his head. What can you do? It's no good to feel entitled to such a thing, anyway. Ai pulls out his desk chair, but rolls it a little closer to the center of the living space, sitting in it backwards with his arms crossed over the top.]

So it really is like what you read about in the books. [And what he's heard about from Sousuke, Seijuuro...] Hating someone that much for a room change, though... That's pretty bad, isn't it? They're still your teammate.

[For a moment, he chews his bottom lip. Considers, weighs. Then asks,]

Any stories from last year?

[buttterfly]

Please. Any business is happy to tout they have an employee on the olympics team.

[last year was such a blur. moping over the loss of whatever he and haru have? had?? coming back together. all of them being under makoto and nao's guidance. freaking the fuck out over haru's whatever health crisis. it was a wild time. but winning gold? now that's something special. maybe that's when his smile turns fond]

...it's when I finally realized my dream? It was happening.

[yesterday solidified it. but. even his bronze was a huge accomplishment. but maybe gold felt the best because of the teamwork behind all of it. rin folds his arms on the counter, leaning his head there for a moment, watching ai traverse across the same space and casually take up space on his chair similarly]

I think I was too much in a tizzy over everything else going on to have any real fun.

[what a lame admission. rin tosses a smirk towards ai, shifting his gaze a bit]

Any planned stories for you? Or are you just going to focus on petting all the fancy dogs?

[taeru]

[... my dream? it was happening. It is so incredibly hard for Ai's expression not to be immediately overtaken by something-- fond undersells it. It's an ardor, fervent and hot and so painfully, viscerally proud. As if every single complicated and tangled ounce of how he considers Matsuoka Rin could be so perfectly encapsulated by something so simple: Rin met his goals, and that makes Ai extraordinarily happy.

More than that... The idea that this time around, it might be him too on that same stage? He wouldn't have a way to explain why there are suddenly butterflies in his chest; it's all Ai can do to bite his bottom lip and bury the bottom half of his face behind his arms.]

It was your first international competition, I wouldn't blame you for only focusing on the obvious. Athens will probably be the exact same for all of us.

[Us. Us! Ai hadn't been able to admit it to himself at All-Japan yesterday; could barely squeak it out to his parents on the phone. Lost the breath for it this morning amidst the whirlwind they had to endure together. But finally, it can coat his tongue and he can actually taste it. He bites his knuckle.

Stays just like that as Rin returns the question, and Ai smiles around his digit, before lolling his cheek against his palm.]

How could I plan a story? And besides, we're only talking training camps. [He rolls his eyes down to the floor in thought.]

What would I do... It's hard to say... That's lame, isn't it? I'll be honest, it still doesn't feel real. It probably won't hit me until we're there. All I can think about is you and the water. [If he had offered clarification, he'd specify because of this mess we're in, so as not to put Rin on the back foot. But... Maybe just this once, siphoning himself isn't necessary.]

[buttterfly]

[Athens. all of them nestled together in the foothills of greece. something about the prospect has his heart thumping in his chest. training camps will be something, sure. brutally hard work. the opportunity to intensify bonds, test their limits. but when they're finally there? at the top? there's no holding back the well of emotions rin is feeling]

Your story is whatever you want it to be.

[he's swept back to the good parts of australia. not dwelling in the agony towards the end. a finality that seemed like the best idea at the close. is it still? what makes a dream truly yours? he looks over at ai, and smiles. is a story really so different? another page in the vastness of dreamland?]

S'not lame. [he reassures gruffly] Hard not to focus on those things. The things that shape you.

[he's not equating ai's words to something Bad. he's equating it to two teenage kids who shared brief words and exchanges about their future aspirations. while one was in turmoil, and one was falling in love. now that he knows, at least... rin shakes the thought from his head, and doesn't want to ruin the moment. even though he knows he should be playing damage control. it feels comfortable again. and he's always the one to ruin it. isn't he?]

Training camps are training camps, dummy. You're going to fucking Paris. [he laughs softly, teasing softly in turn] Just take it all in until we get there. It'll be here before you know it.

[he huffs, pulling away from the counter and really pulling out his phone this time]

Let me make some calls. Then how about we forget all the bad stuff and watch a bad movie?

[taeru]

[It probably wasn't Rin's intention, but there is just a poignancy about his words that deals critical damage to Ai's psyche. Not in a bad way-- but a large enough impact that he's rubbing at his mouth and all but gluing his eyes down onto the floor.

The things that shape you. Who's done that for him more than Rin? Both incidentally and purposely. Without Rin, Ai wouldn't have found his dream. Wouldn't have been able to pull out of himself the multitudes and depths of feelings he can't even begin to quantify. It's safe to say Rin's shaped his life so much that without him, it'd lack colour all together. He'll take all the bitter, angry reds and overwhelming, torrential blues and everything in between one-thousand times over before considering a lifetime where he couldn't have them at all.

Somewhere he recognizes Rin is giving him reassurances, but Ai is so singularly stuck on that phrase still. But also recognizes it's rude not to reply, and so he moves his hand from his mouth down to his jaw in order to do so somewhat belatedly,]

You almost make it sound like a threat, [he kids, shaking him out of the well of butterflies currently asphyxiating him. Let me make some calls. All at once, their wings cease, laid to rest somewhere in the bottom of Ai's stomach.

Lock and key, right. But, Ai blinks.]

Sure. If you pick the movie, I can get us a few drinks... Ah, but what about the pool, senpai? [Maybe it's for the best they didn't venture out so early - thought, there'd be nothing stopping them from a late night swim, either. Ai's access to his university's pool was in perpetuity. He sits up a bit straighter in his chair,] And... If you need me to talk to Mikhail-ojiisan too, let me know. Or-- whoever. If there's any way I can help.

[buttterfly]

We'll go later. [he reassures with a small wave, before slipping his shoes back on, and grabbing his cap, tugging it far down his face] I'll let you know.

[and with that, he lets the door behind him close with a click. he's already dialing mikhail, dimly aware his coach picks up on near the last ring with a humming tone. rin rolls his eyes, keeping an eye out on his surroundings and venturing out away from his usual jogging path. they start the conversation casually. mikhail asking if rin slept well last night, littering in a few details of the upcoming training camps and some other things he wanted rin to implement in the coming days. but then... things taper.

there's no denying the inevitable anymore unfortunately]

You listened to it, right? They're trying to fucking make it out like. Like I'm messing around with half the team!

[mikhail's words are anything but sympathetic. perhaps slightly reassuring. but rin doesn't need to be babied, and he's chosen mikhail specifically for his crass, even if his strangeness outweighs that sometimes.

"There is nothing, we both know it. Just smoke." rin doesn't like this answer. in fact he fucking hates it, because that's just it. there is things. even if it is nothing in the grand scheme...]

They're calling people! What am I supposed to do, huh??

["Don't look defensive. These people. They thrive on panic. You think like a strategist. Not a cornered animal." rin bites his lip, rounding a corner near the park, and pressing his hand against his forehead, a hushed tone overtaking him]

Easy for you to say. You already are the creep they're trying to make me out to be!

[mikhail ignores him. rin can almost hear his coach strumming his fingers along his jaw, contemplative evident in the way he hums. "Nanase. They may be looking at my nephew physically, but him well... they seem to be spinning some silly love triangle. You say there's nothing?"]

I didn't say that. But even if there was, it's none of their fucking business...

["Remember you're a public figure now. Take care to consider images athletes have to uphold. There's truly nothing between any of you?" .........rin shrinks under the implications. because he doesn't know, he doesn't know, he doesn't know. his fingers fly up to dig into his bangs, tugging them as he hisses against the speaker]

It doesn't matter.

["Exactly. But perhaps you shouldn't be so quick to deny either. The public likes a story, no? Romance it sells here. My nephew is a more complicated circumstance but... we all make mistakes right? People take breaks." rin doesn't like it. he doesn't like any of this. mikhail continues, however. "As for them speculating I coach you because of him.... how silly!" rin also doesn't like the tone, but. he doesn't push it because he's so swamped up in his own head]

...so do nothing. Pretend?? Feed them some stupid headline??!

["Almost. Better to let them speculate about something private than to tear apart someone else's reputation no?" that unfortunately makes the most sense. rin bites his lip, leaning against one of the trees in the park. it's quiet, there's nobody really around so he's not afraid to speak up just a little, still aware someone might be parading around somewhere that he can't discern]

So what. We make their story look childish?

["Exactly. They want scandal? We give them professionalism. Romance?" he snorts. "We laugh. Are we clear?" rin hesitates, letting the silence stretch for a moment before he nods like his coach could actually see it somehow]

Got it. Yeah.

[they cut their conversation short after a while, and when rin hangs up the phone, he drags his hand down his face, groaning. he texts ai a quick be there soon before he makes another call. he doesn't remember how long he was even on the phone with mikhail. long enough that the sky has changed, and his legs are aching. he stops at a cornermart first, texting ai another quick need anything? as his head pounds]

[taeru]

[Had Ai been privy to the phone conversation, he'd almost be gobsmacked that both he and his uncle reached the same ultimate conclusion: continue on as normal. Pretend there's nothing. Because there isn't. Evidence of something not important that Ai could swing a million ways if pressed on it directly.

Unfortunately for him, he has not a single damn clue what all transpires between (he assumes) his uncle and Rin, and when the minutes continue to span on for almost nearly an hour, Ai grows worried.

He's laying on his couch, looking at the ceiling. Still reconciling with feelings he'd not exactly addressed, simply buried; the pervasive worry that he's gotten in the middle of Rin's dream. That a lapse in judgment could nearly tear his whole kingdom down. Stupid. Stupid. Sousuke's been kind in their text conversation, but even here, he can feel the judgment. Had heard it from Sousuke not even twenty-four hours ago. How quickly I'm jealous can turn into told you so.

His head isn't spinning anymore, at least. The eye of the storm seems to have passed over them both; something about its wake left him feeling overwhelmingly, oppressively alone, but maybe it's for the best.

He feels his phone vibrate and turns it up from where he'd had it face down on his stomach; seeing it's Rin and not Sousuke, Ai instinctively sits up, immediately firing back with Take your time! Hope it went well. And then he waits... And waits. And when his uncle doesn't call, Ai figures there's probably not anything worth saying. That, or Mikhail is protecting him from something, which is a thought that makes Ai insanely frustrated. He has half a mind to call his uncle himself, but out of interest of not complicating Rin's part in all of this, Ai decides not to.

Just as Ai's getting up to make himself busy in whatever possible way he can conjure in his apartment, Rin's second text comes through. I'm ok, thank you. Get home safe! It's as good a cue as any; Ai opts to get his laptop and hook it up to his barely used TV, letting it idle on a movie service. Sets the kettle.

Normalcy. He can't aim for much else; his uncle is spoken for, Rin's reputation hangs in the balance. For all Ai knows, his spot on the team could be jeopardized because of it all. But tea and a movie? He can manage that much, and have relative confidence he won't fuck it up.]

[buttterfly]

[it's a quiet venture back to the apartment. rin takes an unusual route, thinking it best to shake things up whenever he leaves now. just as a precautionary method. he grabbed a sports drink, just to sip on something on the way home. normally, he doesn't indulge in much sugar, but. seems appropriate given everything.

he returns to the apartment, locking it behind him and shoving his cap up to hang alongside his jacket. his head hurts. he feels a bit foul from everything. implications, accusations, lack of responsibility and above all: doing nothing. rin doesn't think he's the type to sit idly by, sitting on his hands, letting his problems work themselves out. it's why he indulged in some irresponsibility, and isn't at liberty to divulge further. especially not right now.

a soft smile slips across his face, as he sees ai has everything set up already. sometimes you just need to laugh at fictional issues or comedic situations so far removed from your own. even if rin feels like he's walking on eggshells every which way]

Sorry, took longer than I expected.

[rin rubs the back of his head, draping himself over the back of the couch as he stretches out his legs a bit. wincing a little. it's not terrible, but isn't the greatest feeling either]

[taeru]

[Ai's sat on the couch when Rin returns, flashing him an amicable smile once he makes his approach. Of course, it's all still on Ai's mind, too; it's hard not to be. They're stil relatively in the thick of it, even if initial panic has subsided. More than that, he can tell whatever conversation Rin's had must've gotten under his skin some; Rin had a propensity to run when under stress, literally and figuratively. Given how long he'd been out, it's easy to surmise Rin was trying to blow off steam. It's also incredibly hard to miss the stress in his shoulders.

Were this a month earlier, he might've offered to help Rin stretch out. Or would have taken the liberty of getting those cool-hot patches himself and slapping one or two on his calf. None of it comes to fruition now; Ai just leans a bit more into the arm rest to make more room for Rin, should he wish to stretch out. Ai for his part is sitting with his legs crossed.

He silently places the remote on Rin's knee, letting him drive. And maybe it's a bit of a preemptive olive branch, since Ai is about to ask a question he knows Rin likely wants to just shelve for now:]

It's alright, better to pay these kinds of things full attention. [His eyebrows furrow, just a little.] Were you able to learn anything new? Did Mikhail-ojiisan reach out after all?