[the huffed reply is immediate, less whipping around with a snarl as opposed to a thinly veiled annoyance. it's not from losing (albeit rin is a sore loser). though there's an eclectic little mix of what it could be stemming from in turn. ikuya snorts from behind him, and rin rolls his eyes, shoving behind him]
Fuck fuck, fuck. Okay, okay. You win. There was a knot. Piss off.
[ikuya laughs, and leaves them to it, while rin half slumps over the pool deck with a groan. rin rests his chin on his arms, stretching out his legs behind him, the little wince evident on his face as he pops something. but then rolls his leg appreciatively. he'll die before he goes down with another charlie horse thanks. he pulls himself back up, giving ai a once over]
You ever think about really long distance? Because you would kill it. What kind of animal can even pull that shit off? You look like you've barely broken a sweat.
[rin groans, pushing himself to his feet, popping his back. at least the migraine has slowly began to subside. a raised brow]
Relays of all kinds really are your thing, huh.
[individual medley, or team relays. ai takes it all in stride. it brings that little curl of bile back. the one that's been present since ai started acting weird. but rin isn't stupid enough either to think he can just compliment his way back into ai's good graces or whatever]
[Ah, so he is brooding. And much like Rin himself, Ai couldn't pin why. He had his suspicions, but none seemed concrete enough in their totality to justify it. A hangover? Possibly, but Rin's worked through worse. Ikuya of all people helping him stretch? Maybe, but he hadn't looked so grumpy about it back during All Japan. Losing? Maybe, especially to his junior, but Rin tends to take losing in stride even if internally it frustrates him.
For a brief moment, as Ai lets his towel drape along his shoulders, it clicks.
Right. So it's still that thing. And it concerns him that even now, after such a good race, in the presence of someone else, Rin seems burdened by such a thing. Even after talking it out, best they could. Even after reaching an accord, the accidental pandora's box Ai has opened seems destined to loom over Rin indefinitely.
... Not wanting to have the brooding allegations turned his way, he just laughs, watching poor Ikuya be swat away like a flea.]
It's important to remain in good form, senpai. Kirishima-senpai was helping.
[And if Ai looks around the room he isn't so sure he even has someone who would offer the same to him, other than maybe Sousuke. Maybe Rin, but that'd get weird quick, right? Ai tells himself he'll limber up on his own later-- the thought process is aborted abruptly when Rin's suddenly talking about long distance. His blink is owlish.
Relays of all kinds really are your thing, huh. Ai simpers, looking back toward the water. He doesn't have words for the complicated swell in his chest.]
When I think of relays, actually, it's you I think about. [And Ai is sure the entirety of their team would say the same. Ai shrugs, one-shouldered,] I thought about it in the past, going beyond 400 meters. I guess my mind's shifted a bit since then.
[I met you. He doesn't say it out loud, but the kind smile he wears in Rin's direction again maybe says it quietly anyway.]
And anyway, I still have a long way to go.
[Rin's admonished him once already for comparing his times to Ikuya, despite Ai being realistic about the matter!, so he keeps his mouth, smartly, closed for once. But it does weigh on him, the idea of having come this far and not being able to realize it after all. Never mind the persistent ocean blue that seems to colour the water every time Ai jumps in; it's swimming with weights, and an effort to keep pressing forward. Unable to see the horizon line, unsure what direction it'd even be, but knowing you have no choice but to swim regardless...
Eager not to accidentally make things morose, Ai looks to Rin with raised eyebrows and a glint.]
Besides, this much is easy when you're not hungover.
Yeah? Why don't you two show off that picture perfect form together then.
[there's little weight behind it, accompanied merely by a playful eye roll. is rin actually insinuating that ai go forth and do his stretches with ikuya? no!! there's an offer that's fresh on his tongue. the one that wants to offer ai the same. but it's dead on arrival, and rin knows better. ai says nothing's changed? their talk earlier gave a breath of fresh air to this entire situation. but rin still...hesitates. the looming fear he could bring further discomfort still lingers.
but at least ai takes the compliment, although there seems to be a drawl of hesitance crossing his features. rin keeps an even gaze on him. ...ah. so that's it, then. it's not like rin wasn't aware. rin and ai's dream team. they're short a member, sure. but the memories of those bonds are still fresh]
Might have a long way to go, but...
[rin lets his gaze trail out over the water ai is staring at]
I think you've got a shot. As you are right now.
[rin says it with earnest. ikuya might be a popular spot for breast, sure. but ai has a tenacity that would earn him the same sort of spot. he snorts]
You might be beating me with a hangover, but.
[rin bristles. there's that glint in ai's voice and eyes. it's not quite the same as when he swims with haru. and maybe it's a little different kind of flame it stokes under him. but it's there. he likes racing with ai. he wants that handoff on the relay team once more]
Just things to think about. Don't snuff out your potential.
[Not that you had to be close with someone to help them stretch, but. It wasn't just closeness; Ikuya was his senior too despite being younger by two months but ok, and with the sheer amount of mutual friends they shared, Ai felt overly cautious of crossing that physical barrier. Especially so when he's seen Ikuya let his guard down around some, but not around him. Ai knew a boundary when he saw one.
And in contrast, when he thinks to so boldly helping Rin stretch in their dorm room, on his bed, it makes Ai reminisce about how much has changed. Some for the better, but. Fundamentally, he's aware he's turned inward over the years. He's aware he's all but buried within himself since that night. And, now, painfully aware he's actively trying to erase himself since last night.
... Swimming is funny, he thinks. Such a solitary sport, and yet has forced upon him bonds that have sent his head into a tailspin a million times. Ai lifts his towel to drape it over his head, expression flattening out with a pout.]
I'm not snuffing out anything!
[It worked the last time you said it Rin but it won't work twice. Ai rubs at his nose, cheeks dusting a soft pink.]
Sousuke-senpai's tongue is too loose.
[... Because he assumes Sousuke told him about as much back during second year. Who is to say? Sousuke had also pinned that sentence as something prone to come from Rin himself. Ai, at once, is pulling his towel off from him entirely, bypassing Rin to head toward the benches.]
I'm getting back in.
[Because he could sit here and ruminate on how much of a distance he feels he still needs to cross, can gnash his teeth over how he feels too inept to take up any kind of space near Rin where it matters, but ultimately none of these things will fix themselves. And maybe he can't cut out the part of him he wishes to excise and maybe he can't turn his eyes a darker shade of blue, but he can get his PB down and make sure their coaches notice, so. Better keep up, Rin!!!]
[it's stupid how he immediately flits back to a similar conversation. we're not like that. and sorry ai, rin nearly spits, pushing his hand over his mouth to cover the laugh that suddenly rips out of him. there's literally no reason to laugh over it. but he does through his sleep addled, hungover laced brain]
Kirishima might just be like that with anyone, with the way those lashes flutter.
[maybe ikuya catches that, maybe he doesn't. but at least rin can smirk with ai suddenly flustered, the color evident on his face. at least this bit feels familiar. maybe there is a chance he knows him and sousuke will probably pay for that at some point]
Why don't you tell him that yourself?
[nevermind that distance that has slowly been swelling as well. something rin has been trying to ignore in turn. it feels with his relationships budding with others, others slowly begin to quell. him and sousuke still have...a lot to address with one another unfortunately. but neither has been willing to touch the topic, and so they just don't and haven't. it has worked for them in the past unfortunately.
though rin tries not to smirk when he sees ai heading back towards the pool. he tries to take it as ai bettering himself, ai filled with a stubborn determination to outdo himself. he's already on a roll, beating rin right? might as well capitalize on that. he can't afford to sit here and slack around either though. i'm making that fucking relay roster one way or another. he's not letting his fuckup at all japan bite him in the butt now.
...but as he's walking near the pool, a hip catches him. very purposefully from one ikuya kirishima who did hear the lashes comment. and so rin very nearly stumbles in with a huff and a not at all hidden glare shot towards him. he flips ikuya off, and goes back to the starting block. though...he does glance around again, and doesn't see haru. it's a little unnerving. he just up and bailed when rin was swimming against ai. rin doesn't know if he's making mountains out of molehills though, and goes back to swimming his own laps.
staying in his own lane. but he won't be left behind, ai!
...though needless to say, rin runs himself absolutely ragged. maybe pushing himself a bit too hard through the hangover. but quite some time later, he's slung over the lane line, face half in the water as he keeps himself barely hauled up above the surface.
[And he's not touching on that with any more words because if he does he knows he's going to brush against sensitivities he'd rather not. He knows Rin is in a precarious situation with Sousuke, too. Ai also knows Sousuke and his relationship has developed to be a bit more complicated on account of... Everything. A level of jealousy between them. From Sousuke's end, for having had a bite. From Ai's end, for having the strength to remain unchanged.
... It's a selfish thought that flits through his brain. That what he and Sousuke once had can never come again to pass. That catharsis, that outlet, gone. It'd simply be unfair, what with all that has happened in his apartment. It's a faint thought in the back of his head, quiet and mumbled. From the start, you should have kept your legs closed.
Ai isn't exactly heedless to who does or doesn't swim in the same lane or beside his lane, but he had noticed it, too. Haruka nowhere to be found, which was odd, given the man's proclivity for all things water. Ai crushes something to the tune of another 600m - at a leisurely pace, the last 200m functioning as a cool down - before finally resurfacing, plenty of their other teammates already back in the changing rooms. Time goes so fast when you're able to actually shut your brain off.
He spares a moment to lay himself over the lane line, a few feet downwind from Rin. Exhausted. Still not good enough. He'll talk to their coach about changing up some drills to help with shoulder and hip alignment...
... He hauls himself out of the water. He's too spent to push himself for further training right now; maybe later. Maybe he'd bail on a night out a second time.]
I'll wash up and meet you outside, senpai. [Because he figures they'll walk back together, maybe find a bite... But Ai hesitates. Peering down into the pool as he waits for Rin to haul himself out too. Because a thought eats away at him--]
I haven't seen Nanase-san, he might've gone on already. [Equal parts you should text him and If that means staying behind, I get it. But Ai is, again, eager not to keep things too heavy, implications never lost on him,] We should pick up something for him too on the way back...
[rin watches ai haul himself out of the water, trying not to frown. it felt nice. them swimming together. but ai's right. they've done enough. and he's trying not to think about that earlier comment. he already knows. which the retort lay...dormant on rin's tongue immediately after. and he didn't bother replying. ai's right, after all.
times flies when your brain stops yapping at you.
he hoists himself up, knee catching on the side of the pool for an instant. before he clambers fully up the side into a standing position. he nods, giving ai his space, knowing that sort of dismissal when it's evident. though...ai parrots exactly what rin was thinking, and he can't help the way he stiffens. like he's pegged where rin's mind was before rin could even vocalize it. shit, he hates how predictable he is, always has been. even back in their dormitory days. always haru this, haru that and now--]
Yeah, yeah. Mackerel and water and that guy's happy as a clam.
[he scoffs, it coming out with a bit more bite than he intends. because really, haru seemingly vanished when him and ai raced. rin internally rolls his eyes. was the guy pouting? no, that's stupid. rin doesn't want to talk about it, because he knows that's going to open either a whole discussion or shutdown on one of their parts. and rin doesn't want to think about last night, their drunken bodies swaying--]
Go shower. Shit, this chlorine smell is gonna make me puke.
[he grabs ai's towel off the bench first, tossing it at him before he grabs his own. but of course his own head betrays him, and he casts a glance back at the pool. before he scoffs and heads towards the locker rooms]
[It's been Ai's very subtle superpower from the beginning, after all. Gauging where Rin's head is at. That paired with over-vigilance means it didn't exactly take a rocket scientist to make an educated guess on the matter... And more than that, Ai himself had noticed before he thought to pin it on Rin, too. Because for the next few weeks Haruka is his roommate, too, and so Ai feels compelled to keep him top of mind.
... Though circumstance doesn't help. Ai was still trying to configure it in his head, especially so now that he and Rin-- talked. It was somehow easier when he thought he had to try harder, because that just meant rolling over and ignoring what was going on behind his back in plain sight. Minimizing was easy. Taking up space when the room feels like it is filled with smoke is much more difficult; even if Ai knew how to take a step forward, that didn't make it any easier to find breathing room.
But he knows at least a few things for certain. One, it was odd that Haru up and left; Ai is pretty sure he'd been there when their IM started. Two, it'd be odd if Rin didn't have a reaction to that. Three, it's an inevitability they will all meet back in the room at some point. So.
He does the impossible and keeps his smart mouth shut when Rin plays it off like it isn't a big deal. A silent breath in, diaphragm pressed; a cool breath out, shoulders relaxed. He blinks when his towel is suddenly tossed his way, not used to Rin beating him to the punch,]
Thank you,
[Quickly scruffing his hair with it and disappearing into the shower rooms.
He tries to make it a quick affair, not wanting to keep Rin waiting overlong. Washed, rinsed, declothed, dried, reclothed; Ai's bag is packed and slung over his shoulder with an unusual haste, and he parks at the front of the locker room waiting for Rin to do the same. Ai pulls out his phone; no texts, as expected. They were all in the same place after all. But he stares down at Haruka's number.]
[he tries to be considerate, but he's selfishly lapping up everything the shower has to offer.
the hot water spilling across his scalp and shoulders. the way it blots out his brain for a time, and dulls that throb. the one that started long before the hangover ever did. rin sighs softly with content, pressing his forehead against the shower stall wall. there's echoes of laughter from his teammates, excited chatter and other things. but he dully tones it out for a while, just focusing on the pitter patter of water in the stall, rinsing the smell of chlorine off of himself. it's just the hangover, he tells himself. that's the only reason the smell is making him--
there's a rap at his stall, and he damn near jumps out of his skin. but it's just natsuya messing with him as he drapes over ikuya's shoulder and laughs as they depart. ikuya shoots him an apologetic look, one that just has rin scoffing, trying to smooth out his ruffled feathers.
he finds ai at the front of the locker room, after he takes a good ten minutes to get back into normal people clothes. he's tying his hair back as he comes out, huffing]
Sorry, hope I didn't keep you waiting.
[rin misses ai staring down at haru's number, wincing as he finishes looping the ponytail around his fingers, a few stray strands pooling down anyway despite his best efforts. he rolls his eyes, and forgoes trying to tame them, shifting his bag over his shoulder]
Want to go dump stuff off at the room first? Or are you hungry enough to eat a horse?
[look it's a saying he picked up in australia from some of the american guys ok]
[Ai thinks he hears a yelp, and he definitely hears laughter. It's one of the few smiles he wears lately that is genuine, and it's just for him. Kirishima-san and Rin-senpai are awfully friendly. And he can't help but feel Rin and Ikuya have a surprisingly complicated relationship, too. He'd gotten glimpses of it back at All Japan, and certainly he and Ikuya have talked about their mutual friends once or twice, but... The heat there. It keeps surprising Ai.
How strongly Rin responds to such a thing. Always a sucker for heated expressions and the like. He can't help but wonder, where does it leave him? So rarely do he and Rin grow competitive, meaningfully or otherwise. The words on his screen remain in a bold white, Nanase Haruka (Iwatobi). There are footfalls behind him.
Ai wonders when he will stop wondering what exactly his spot, his role, his boon to Rin's life is. All he knows is that it's changed, fundamentally, and he isn't so sure if he wants to unearth its name. Best friend, Rin had said, but how much can that be true?--
He nearly jolts when Rin's voice breaks through his wayward rumination, shutting off his phone screen and pocketing it quickly. And sure, Ai could eat a horse, but.
The answer is obvious, isn't it?]
We should head back first. [To see if Nanase-san is there. And to drop off their bags, but. Ai has a hunch he knows where Rin's priorities are right now, too... So he thinks.]
Ah, but we can pick up something on the way.
[It seems Ai isn't gonna let Rin redirect, as he's already exiting the locker room, expecting Rin to follow Ai's way down the hall to the front of the building. The sun was still high on the horizon, only the late afternoon; the weather temperate. An odd and poignant calm in the universe that completely contrasts to the near-constant confusion in his head. Once he's made it outside, he slows to match Rin's pace, walking beside him.
And it seems Ai rolls a thought around in his head a little bit, before delivering it with a lopsided, sheepish smile.]
It was fun, swimming the IM together. I almost wish I hadn't so I could have watched you do it instead.
[at least ai doesn't address the elephant in the room. and rin is grateful for that. a logical conclusion, followed up by something that is a minor stall, something he's equally grateful for. not letting him ignore things (except he will absolutely continue ignoring thanks). and so rin hauls his bag a little better over himself, tagging along easily in turn.
...maybe that's ai's place in rin's life. that calm, cooling breeze settling over on a hot day. rin raises a brow at ai's words. but he can't help the smirk that tugs itself across his features]
You can just give up that victory, and pretend you watched instead. I'll take it.
[he laughs, bumping against ai as they walk, trying to embrace that normality they once shared. he knows logically, it's quite impossible. but every day he'll be damned if he doesn't at least put forth the effort]
Harder than it looks. Have to do a lot of different movement in a short amount of time. I think I almost started free instead of fly near the end. So of course you're good at it.
[the praise is well aimed, true in its meaning. ai is able to simper through pressure and everything else when rin's not mucking up his life, of course. so of course something like that is right up his alley. even if it's not quite his go to anymore. rin still remembers once upon a time it was. and he capitalizes on reminding him everytime, telling him he could square up against ikuya if he really felt like it]
You'd never be satisfied with something so easily given.
[A forfeited victory. Ai thinks back to their first year when Rin had won his race against Haruka, but seemed put off by it. He wasn't in good form, Rin had said. It's like beating an elementary schooler.
A parallel dawns on him. One that is naked with a storm outside and a too-crowded futon. Rin hadn't been satisfied then either, right? Because it was too easy. Ai wonders, passively, when he will stop thinking about that night, as he quickly moves on from the thought and hopes Rin didn't pick up on the same, nearly clearing his throat in the process,]
Huh?
[He doesn't get Rin's implication at first, but then it settles. And because Ai is singularly unable to take a compliment, he smiles in that deflective way of his,]
But it's fun, isn't it? To push your body in that kind of way. I'm definitely rusty, though. If I wanted to think about it seriously, I'd have to talk it over with the coaches.
[Which is to say he won't. I want to specialize in two strokes, just like you. Even at that time, he'd been so-- honest. Ai sneaks a glance at Rin from the corner of his eye before looking forward again as they walk, ignoring how even now, even now, such a small thing can make his heart hiccup,]
Well... I know I have to focus on breast. It's critical I keep my times low before competitions start.
[So I can join you on that stage. Of course Ai wants it for himself too, but. Who was responsible for getting him here? Somehow, saying that out loud seems like too much, so he keeps it to himself.]
Ah, [he gestures to a tiny bakery as they walk past,] How about here? I still want to try an authentic Paris baguette.
[got him there. he huffs, rolling his eyes and rubbing the back of his neck]
Whatever, ugh.
[rin tries not to think about that night. easier said than done. it's not because the act itself was bad. it's because his behavior surrounding the whole affair was...disgusting, to put it lightly. he tries not to think about how he tried goading ai into hurting him, like that would somehow make it better. he tried not to think about the fallout that still lingers in the back of his mind in the form of a creepy voicemail that he wasn't alone in. tried not to think about sousuke's glistening gaze and how he made ai cry and yell and--]
Call that shit fun?
[that's easier to focus on, and rin snorts, shifting his hold on his bag. though he's dimly aware of ai shifting away from the compliment stratosphere. and his lip twitches and he bumps ai's shoulder again, this time a little harder]
Take the compliment, geez. Your breast times got you here, right? It's not like you're forgetting them or anything. Just...putting them to a different use. You should talk it over with them. What's the worst they say? Doubt they'd even say no...
[rin's...encouragement talks need some work if he ever wants to be a coach of some kind. but the silent implication rings true between them. despite it all, rin isn't dropping that dream. to stand on the international stage with his friends. and he knows ai isn't keen of dropping that dream either. the one that's swam beside them all these years, even through all the monumental fuckups and lack of communication--]
Of all things...
[rin laughs, pulling the door open for ai. stiffening with the realization, but he tries to swallow it down. it's just something he's going to have to hurdle over time and time again until he forgets it (he won't)]
[He levels A Look on Rin, because Rin should know by now Ai was a professional at getting around being told something nice so point blank. And he was very very good at not dismissing it either, okay! Because it means someone has delivered their honest sentiments to him, which he values deeply. Being forthright like that, even if it's something as banal and simple as a compliment, can be hard sometimes. But Ai's opinion of himself, especially lately, has been catastrophically horrendous, so.
Rin gets a look. And eyes where Rin's just bumped his shoulder, before Ai melts into a deadpan.]
I want to focus on breast. I have a goal, and IM or 400m free right now would distract from it. You know what it feels like to spread too thin, don't you?
[And Ai doesn't have a single fucking clue about last year's kerfuffle behind closed doors, other than a few ominous texts from his uncle, so good luck with that one Rin.
You know what isn't laden in double entendre, or trauma, or bad memories, or regret? Baguettes. Ai steps in ahead of Rin with a polite little bow of his head for the gesture, not thinking of it too much unlike Rin, and all but trots to one of the display counters. His eyes scan over all of the overly sweet pastries - even too sweet for him - and to more of the savoury baked goods. Ai taps at his chin; he thinks he knows what he wants, but.
He's too considerate for his own good, and constantly trying to model for Rin a normalcy Ai himself doesn't even feel, so he looks over to Rin with an inquisitive expression that belies the pull in his gut,]
What do you think Nanase-san would like? I think we should bring something back for him, just in case.
[the look that gets from rin is downright deadpan in exchange. it's something he's put far back in the confines of his brain. and rin acts like it was some big secret, and there's no way on planet earth it was]
...got it.
[at least ai still has the superpower in putting rin in his place when it matters. though the embarrassment flushing his cheeks seems more akin to shame than anything beyond that. like a kid with his hand in the fucking cookie jar.
he drops it.
the bakery smells nice. it's quite literally a breath of fresh air from whatever conversation they were just traversing towards. and rin isn't a fan of sweets, but the smell of the place is nice. it's warm inside, and quiet enough that he doesn't feel trapped or anything. quite the opposite. he's content to trail behind ai, looking at the various things. most of which he doesn't have a clue what they are but.
still, rin stiffens a little. right. that unspoken thing earlier. he figures ai won't let him let it go. he didn't their first year. he won't their tenth or twentieth if they make it that far either. rin huffs, kneeling down to look at a few things, squinting at the display cases]
Find something shaped like...
[his eye catches it before he even finishes his sentence. there's a little pastry that looks like a. shark? fish? something. an elegant little puff pastry garnished with some chives. he tries to read off the sign, pointing at it and well. it's obvious his french needs some work but]
Salmon en croute. Yeah, he'd probably like that.
[rin continues to look over everything, casting a sidelong glance at ai as he fishes in his bag for his wallet]
[In Ai's head, it was painful in its simplicity. He could gnash his teeth, move planets, level mountains, raise oceans, lasso the stars-- and none of it would matter. But if Nanase Haruka had a ten minute conversation with Rin in a natatorium parking lot, if Nanase Haruka swam a ten minute relay with him, if Nanase Haruka met up with him for ten minutes on railroad tracks--
Minutes. It took minutes for him to do what Ai spends months, years trying to accomplish. And so he has no choice. If Rin is content to be stubborn in admitting whether or not things are complicated, he will find Ai's tenacity a rough beast to quell. Because in Ai's mind, he has spent too much time taking Rin's smile away, when he can see an easy means of making sure it doesn't happen again. It has played in his mind over and over since that night, but especially since talking with Sousuke. How much different things would be if he'd had the strength to send Haruka a text sooner. Ai wasn't an idiot, had known from the start why Rin was there, so why? Why hesitate?
... For the same reasons you laid with him.
He has no words and no outward reason for why his shoulders stiffen.]
Ah, you don't,
[Except Ai recalls suddenly that Rin insisted very strongly on covering their next meal, so. He guesses this is it.]
... Thank you, Rin-senpai,
[Ai relents, approaching the register and its attendant with an overly confident and smooth] Bonjour, [followed by their order so far: salmon en croute for their missing party, a demi baguette and jam for Ai.
He looks to Rin with a gesture for him to finish out with what he'd like. And no, he can't speak French, but he sure can mimic the accent, thanks to his music. The cashier looks between the both of them, thoroughly unimpressed.]
Look. I've got sponsor money now, so just let me--
[but ai relents easier than rin anticipates. and it even pulls a little wide eyed gaze from him in exchange. it just melts into a thank you instead, and why do those words in that tone set him ablaze like that? why on earth is he wanting to bristle like some offended cat? what, did he just think it would be harder than that? he should be happy ai let it go so easily. why does he want to brawl so much with people? he doesn't get it.
...maybe that's why haru is able to just say a few words to him and it sets him ablaze. always that stupid lingering competition, thinly veiled by dry, smarmy words.
rin is temporarily awestruck in the way ai pulls it off flawlessly. and maybe ai catches him staring for a minute. because he quickly jerks himself out of it, and stares at the pastry case, desperately looking for something that isn't going to be too sweet but--]
A-Ah! Desolee. Tarte...fruits?
[rin points at a small berry tart in the case. he really wants some fruit and hopes that one won't be too bad. it looks like just raspberries on top of the custard so...
he equally hopes he didn't butcher that. fuck, he forgot the aux didn't he?? before he can apologize though the attendant begins gathering their things like they didn't just listen to rin botch it terribly, and rin shoves his card into the slot with a huff, not even looking at the total]
Quit one upping me. [rin snorts playfully] You make it look so easy.
[rin knows he has everyone else owned on english but that's about as far as it goes. he can maybe get some basics everywhere else they go but...]
[Whatever introspection or realizations Rin has is completely lost on Ai, especially as he is greeted to the first real instance of listening to Rin speak French since they've landed in Paris. It isn't that he thinks it's bad!!!! It isn't even that Rin stumbles over his words-- Ai couldn't actually pin what it is. Maybe the way Rin's voice has to hitch just a little to naturally accommodate the accent? The upward inflection of his question? The rare uncertainty Ai hears laced into the stumbled words?
His smile is too wide, teeth too visible, and he turns his head away from both Rin and the cashier in order to hide his mouth behind his knuckles. Even if he wasn't already five years deep into sentiments he'd rather cut away, the response is potent and obvious,
He sounded cute, trying to say it.
Ai still hesitates even when Rin addresses him, taunts him. Because his smile is still too wide and he doesn't want Rin thinking he's laughing at him, because he's not! And also doesn't want Rin to know Ai thinks it was charming, because that's true, which is worse. Ai turns around away from Rin in order to approach the front door, but not without first letting loose a sing-songy,] Merci beaucoup!
[His turn to hold the door open for Rin, and their present circumstance and his misplaced glee wiping his mind of memories from when he'd been a bit bolder and a bit more deluded,]
I said two words, senpai. [It's be impossible for Rin not to face him now, and so it's impossible to hide his smile anymore.] You sounded great.
[he huffs, waltzing through the doorway after the cashier bags up their procured goodie bags. fresh air feels better, his migraine is mostly dispersed. but there's still some lingering phantom pains. or maybe aches is the better word for it. whatever. it's just better out here than some stuffy shop, despite how nice it smells.
though he can't fight the hint of red that touches his cheeks at ai's compliment. it feels...unfair. undeserved heaps of praise that he's being subject to. well, maybe not heaps. but it feels like it sometimes. but there's a little glimmer at the end of the tunnel at least. maybe their hotel room can be a source of less hostility and awkwardness, and more attune to how other dorm-mates find themselves. at home. comfortable. mildly annoyed when haruka nanase takes up the whole bath--
he pauses for a moment to allow ai to catch up after he held the door open for them, and then sets his pace to match ai's, just taking in the scenery around them. sometimes, when he thinks back to being a kid and making it to the top of the world? it felt more grounded and at home. but now here he is. being shown all this new culture and new sights with his friends. the most important people to him]
...still doesn't feel real sometimes.
[rin finally settles on as they near the hotel, and he casts a look across the street to somebody just out there--painting--of all things. and something absolutely stunning at that. there's street artists all around the world sure, but that one just seems perfectly placed there. like he's meant to see it. how childish]
[The wistful, nostalgic nature of Rin's voice tugs gently at Ai's heartstrings. So much can change in such a small amount of time; in his own head, when he thinks back to meeting Rin back in elementary school, it feels like a lifetime ago. Ai smiles in that rueful way of his,]
Even at that age, it's all you ever wanted. Right? I think if it was inevitable for anyone to wind up on this stage, it'd be you, Rin-senpai.
[And it isn't just patting Rin's ass. That is maybe the worst part of it, whenever Ai says something nice, a compliment, an accolade: he means it. Sincerely, wholly. From the bottom of his heart he believes Rin manifested his own dream. With everything Ai has. And since day one it's breathed an untold amount of inspiration into him.
He feels Rin's eyes on him, and meets them somewhat sheepishly from the corner of his own. Before melting into a soft smile, paired with a shake of his head.]
Not at all. When I think to that younger me, he's unrecognizable. [Starry-eyed. Eager. Reckless. Rin's memories of that relay in elementary school were completely different, but they set Ai on a trajectory he could have no way of knowing would radicalize his very existence.
... Ai pauses at the awning of their hotel. Looks down the length of his body.]
This person is unrecognizable from even two years ago. If I told him where life would take me, I don't think he'd believe me, either.
[You will make it to the Japan national swimming team. You will have your heart shattered. You'll travel all over the world for training. And you will never, ever change who you are. He could sit here and reminisce on it all for another hour, but instead does both him and Rin the favour of entering into the hotel, blessed by the automatic door this time.
... Maybe on day three, it'll feel like a haven. Unfortunately, reentering the building is accompanied with all the same unsettled nerves as the day before and the morning earlier. He approaches the elevator, chooses not to think about the overly tense conversation he and Rin had in one just hours ago, and patiently waits for one of them to drop to the lobby floor.]
[and equally, ai's words tug at rin's heartstrings in turn.
not him patting rin's ass. but talking fondly back about the person ai used to be. unrecognizable. and doesn't rin relate to that fiercely? life's highway is a strange and winding one. there's never any guessing where exactly it will take you. rin can't say he thought about...how things would end up in that too small apartment.
all the fallout from it. professional, personal. rin tries not to sour, but maybe his expression gives him away for a moment. but he tries to focus on the positives. ai's contemplation coupled with his whimsical words, that seem so light. unfortunately, rin is a little oblivious to exactly where ai's mind heads off to. and that's on him for being a selfishly fueled person. it's easy to read people, sure. but when they sound like that? it's a little easier.
though rin does damn near splutter at ai's question. he got into thinking he was going to get off scott free about last night. and maybe his face heats up a little at all the memories. not just of haru, but of just letting loose in a strange, new and dizzily exciting place. he worries his lip for a moment. that sourness just turns into a mournful thing.
that ai wasn't there experiencing it with them.
he huffs, and rubs the back of his neck, squeezing his eyes shut as he waits for the elevator with a tapping foot. it wouldn't do him any good to lie either, but. the ding of the elevator sounds it's arrival, and rin watches some teammates and strangers scurry off before they enter, and he furiously presses their floor and jams the "close" button repeatedly, before anyone else can even think of squeezing in here. he groans]
It was good. Great. I got so fucking trashed, I probably made a fool of myself but...
[but that much was probably obvious. considering him and haru's state of disarray when they entered, and how furious rin's head was pounding this morning. not to mention how thoroughly ai trashed him in their little race. he remembers natsuya's laugh. dancing with haru. ikuya's fingers through his belt loop, tugging him in for a dance as well. he remembers so many drinks he forgot but]
City missed you though.
[and the doors open, and he steps off with a huff. he meant it. ai's his best friend.
[He couldn't have known. The text message that never was, the silhouette that never took shape. And so he assumes it's a platitude from Rin, even if the vulnerability in his voice becomes hard to read as a result.
... Because he'd seen it for himself. How literally on top of each other the two of them had been when they came back to the hotel. How loose Haru's tongue was, of all people. And it painted a very bold picture that only made Ai even more glad he hadn't gone. Given all, what space would he have there? The thought alone makes him anxious to go tonight. Worried what sort of mess will come from drinking; what sort of questions will be raised if he doesn't. Unsure if he can survive a night without an out.
He steps in alongside Rin, simper painted on his face and doing a great job at hiding his dismay with it all,]
Just a little bit. Actually, I'm still more surprised at Nanase-san than anything.
[Which is still not exactly confirmation he'd heard that last night, but it's about the fourth time Ai's skated around it. City missed you, though. It's... Much harder, this time, to hide the way his expression is crestfallen. Were he to exact his truths, he risks guilting Rin too much, and Ai doesn't want that. They talked it through this morning, after all.]
Sorry. I really wasn't feeling up to it. [I think I made the right choice.] But, we can make up for it tonight, right? [But don't set your expectations too high.
He wonders if he should prematurely send Sousuke a few texts as a safety net.
Ai trails right behind Rin down their hallway back to their room, smoothing one hand over his opposite forearm. For Rin's sake, he hopes Haruka's back in the room; for his own, he hopes he isn't. Ai feels a little selfish for even thinking such a thing.]
[he's digging through his pockets, clambering for his stupid fucking keycard. he pulls his phone out first, but it immediately falls from his hand, clattering on the floor in front of their door. this feels like the closest confirmation ai's given, the one rin has equally been skating around in full on terror. his finger shake around where his phone had been previously]
I... What did he--
[what did you hear him say? what did you see him do? rarely, is rin rendered speechless but. well. ai has always been so adept at disarming him. it's no surprise this is any different]
I told you. Guy needs to hold his booze better.
[...which equally does little to confirm or deny ai's suspicions around everything. rin knows they didn't fucking do anything. but the rest of the world doesn't know that. and it's looking less and less likely. he leans down to snatch his phone off the floor, fingers white knuckled around it]
It's fine. I'm not forcing you, sorry. That was a shitty thing to say.
[rin tries to scramble for something else, and sucks at it per usual. he tries to focus on ai's well being more than whatever the hell happened last night between the two. rin finally finds his keycard, and holds it up for a moment, huffing as he stares at it]
I'll hang back with you if that's what you want.
[he offers gently, trying to press the card against the slot without much luck. he huffs, trying to take on a more earnest tone]
Just know I'm not forcing you into shit.
[he hears the beep, and shoves the door open. and by some small miracle haru is in there. except he's in the middle of changing, and rin is treated to a full fucking frontal and whips around really fast, gritting his teeth]
The fuck did I say about keeping your pants on?
[he can't see haru, but can hear the pouting in his voice. "You didn't knock."]
Yeah, cause it's my room too, jackass! Do that shit in the bathroom.
[he just hopes what he's hearing is haru pulling all his clothes back on. rin passes a glance over at ai, brow twitching. it's going to be awkward no matter what. so he's just trying. for ai's fucking sake. he steps aside to let haru go to the bathroom, and pulls the door shut behind the team japan hopeful]
[Rin had... A similar reaction when Ai had gently pinned him about Rin's chance encounter with Haruka, too. Over dinner, with their coaches. Which is all the confirmation Ai needs. Maybe Rin and Haruka didn't do anything, but sometimes action means little in the face of intention. If he hadn't been in the room, how different would things have been?
It's that familiar feeling, a tightness in his throat, mirroring a tightness in his gut. He'd felt it when they'd left the room and came back last night; felt it in that natatorium parking garage. Ai still isn't sure how to cope with it, and resents his instinct is split twain between rolling over and taking it or running.
And then Rin is-- back pedaling, in that unique way he does when he has a notion in his head. It tells Ai he's said something to make Rin feel guilty after all, and Rin's dropped his phone and his words are rapid fire and Ai can see, with his eyes, that his hand is shaking and. Professional as always, Ai puts on a sympathetic expression - not quite a smile, but the kindness does kiss his eyes, at least - and very very gently touches Rin's back. Grounding him; reaffirming Ai isn't scared of him.]
Senpai, it's okay.
[Something tells him Rin would sooner jump out a window than spend an evening holed up in here with him. He knows because Rin was barely tolerating Ai's apartment shortly before departure. Ai barely manages to get out,]
I know you wouldn't,
[Force me, but his words are cut short by the door opening and then Rin spinning around in record speed. Ai had been about to walk in right behind him, but is suddenly met face-to-face with an owlish Rin. Ai blinks. Turns his cheek, and takes a step back. And only once Rin's moved does he follow in after, peering around him as if to try and see whatever it was he's just missed, ignoring the flutter in his chest... Ah, but Haruka's already in the bathroom. Then Rin's beckoning him one last time, and Ai chooses to focus on that net positive, rather than fall victim to the churning tempest in his chest.]
It was. [He looks down. To the bathroom. Then, hushed and quickly to Rin,] ... Sorry, again, for this morning. I don't have words for how grateful I am that you're patient with all this stuff. [Yeah. Stuff. And Ai's gonna need to borrow a bit of that patience to make it through tonight, he knows it.
So it's away from Rin and over to his bed, sorting through his sports bag for his wet clothes to gently rinse once Haruka frees the bathroom. Funny; they'd gone through all that fuss for some food, and Ai no longer has an appetite.]
[his thoughts flit to one place when he feels ai's kindness manifest, hears the softness in his words.
i don't deserve it.
he doesn't deserve any of this. not the world, not these people that keep letting him back in when he massively fucks them over one way or another. rin wishes ai were scared of him, waltzed right down to miyakawa or ryuji or mikhail or whoever would listen and demand a room change. then rin could wallow in the selfishness of his own mistakes and live miserably knowing he's hurt yet somebody else. but that's a perfect world where ai looks out for himself, and not for others]
Got nothing to be sorry for.
[rin blurts out, rubbing the back of his head as he lets the door close behind them. because it's not ai's fault. not by a long shot. everything boils down to rin. how much fun could they all be having together if rin had kept his legs closed, his temper in check? if he'd just been honest to haru and sousuke and everyone from the start about coming back to japan? trying not to avoid a stupid "breakup" if it could even be called that at this point?
things could be so much different.
rin waltzes over to his bed, dumping his swim bag on it. before he stares at the bag looped around his other wrist and gnashes his teeth together. more delicately than he should pulling the pastries out, and rolling the small plastic container of his tart in his hand. he sighs, and walks over, holding the bag out for ai to do the same. he gets it without ai even having to say it.
who can have an appetite after something like that?
eventually, haru comes out of the bathroom, and rin is pouting on his bed, glaring daggers at his tart. he'll shower later. he at least grabbed one when they got out of the pool, and took longer than he should have anyway, kept ai waiting...he tosses the bag on haru's bed]
Since you ran off without saying anything.
[and that's all he says before he rolls back over, pulling out his phone]
...you can grab the shower first. Sorry dolphin boy is a hog with it.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2025-12-27 01:21 pm (UTC)[the huffed reply is immediate, less whipping around with a snarl as opposed to a thinly veiled annoyance. it's not from losing (albeit rin is a sore loser). though there's an eclectic little mix of what it could be stemming from in turn. ikuya snorts from behind him, and rin rolls his eyes, shoving behind him]
Fuck fuck, fuck. Okay, okay. You win. There was a knot. Piss off.
[ikuya laughs, and leaves them to it, while rin half slumps over the pool deck with a groan. rin rests his chin on his arms, stretching out his legs behind him, the little wince evident on his face as he pops something. but then rolls his leg appreciatively. he'll die before he goes down with another charlie horse thanks. he pulls himself back up, giving ai a once over]
You ever think about really long distance? Because you would kill it. What kind of animal can even pull that shit off? You look like you've barely broken a sweat.
[rin groans, pushing himself to his feet, popping his back. at least the migraine has slowly began to subside. a raised brow]
Relays of all kinds really are your thing, huh.
[individual medley, or team relays. ai takes it all in stride. it brings that little curl of bile back. the one that's been present since ai started acting weird. but rin isn't stupid enough either to think he can just compliment his way back into ai's good graces or whatever]
no subject
Date: 2025-12-27 04:20 pm (UTC)For a brief moment, as Ai lets his towel drape along his shoulders, it clicks.
Right. So it's still that thing. And it concerns him that even now, after such a good race, in the presence of someone else, Rin seems burdened by such a thing. Even after talking it out, best they could. Even after reaching an accord, the accidental pandora's box Ai has opened seems destined to loom over Rin indefinitely.
... Not wanting to have the brooding allegations turned his way, he just laughs, watching poor Ikuya be swat away like a flea.]
It's important to remain in good form, senpai. Kirishima-senpai was helping.
[And if Ai looks around the room he isn't so sure he even has someone who would offer the same to him, other than maybe Sousuke. Maybe Rin, but that'd get weird quick, right? Ai tells himself he'll limber up on his own later-- the thought process is aborted abruptly when Rin's suddenly talking about long distance. His blink is owlish.
Relays of all kinds really are your thing, huh. Ai simpers, looking back toward the water. He doesn't have words for the complicated swell in his chest.]
When I think of relays, actually, it's you I think about. [And Ai is sure the entirety of their team would say the same. Ai shrugs, one-shouldered,] I thought about it in the past, going beyond 400 meters. I guess my mind's shifted a bit since then.
[I met you. He doesn't say it out loud, but the kind smile he wears in Rin's direction again maybe says it quietly anyway.]
And anyway, I still have a long way to go.
[Rin's admonished him once already for comparing his times to Ikuya, despite Ai being realistic about the matter!, so he keeps his mouth, smartly, closed for once. But it does weigh on him, the idea of having come this far and not being able to realize it after all. Never mind the persistent ocean blue that seems to colour the water every time Ai jumps in; it's swimming with weights, and an effort to keep pressing forward. Unable to see the horizon line, unsure what direction it'd even be, but knowing you have no choice but to swim regardless...
Eager not to accidentally make things morose, Ai looks to Rin with raised eyebrows and a glint.]
Besides, this much is easy when you're not hungover.
no subject
Date: 2025-12-27 06:28 pm (UTC)[there's little weight behind it, accompanied merely by a playful eye roll. is rin actually insinuating that ai go forth and do his stretches with ikuya? no!! there's an offer that's fresh on his tongue. the one that wants to offer ai the same. but it's dead on arrival, and rin knows better. ai says nothing's changed? their talk earlier gave a breath of fresh air to this entire situation. but rin still...hesitates. the looming fear he could bring further discomfort still lingers.
but at least ai takes the compliment, although there seems to be a drawl of hesitance crossing his features. rin keeps an even gaze on him. ...ah. so that's it, then. it's not like rin wasn't aware. rin and ai's dream team. they're short a member, sure. but the memories of those bonds are still fresh]
Might have a long way to go, but...
[rin lets his gaze trail out over the water ai is staring at]
I think you've got a shot. As you are right now.
[rin says it with earnest. ikuya might be a popular spot for breast, sure. but ai has a tenacity that would earn him the same sort of spot. he snorts]
You might be beating me with a hangover, but.
[rin bristles. there's that glint in ai's voice and eyes. it's not quite the same as when he swims with haru. and maybe it's a little different kind of flame it stokes under him. but it's there. he likes racing with ai. he wants that handoff on the relay team once more]
Just things to think about. Don't snuff out your potential.
no subject
Date: 2025-12-27 07:13 pm (UTC)Kirishima-senpai and I aren't like that.
[Not that you had to be close with someone to help them stretch, but. It wasn't just closeness; Ikuya was his senior too
despite being younger by two months but ok, and with the sheer amount of mutual friends they shared, Ai felt overly cautious of crossing that physical barrier. Especially so when he's seen Ikuya let his guard down around some, but not around him. Ai knew a boundary when he saw one.And in contrast, when he thinks to so boldly helping Rin stretch in their dorm room, on his bed, it makes Ai reminisce about how much has changed. Some for the better, but. Fundamentally, he's aware he's turned inward over the years. He's aware he's all but buried within himself since that night. And, now, painfully aware he's actively trying to erase himself since last night.
... Swimming is funny, he thinks. Such a solitary sport, and yet has forced upon him bonds that have sent his head into a tailspin a million times. Ai lifts his towel to drape it over his head, expression flattening out with a pout.]
I'm not snuffing out anything!
[It worked the last time you said it Rin but it won't work twice. Ai rubs at his nose, cheeks dusting a soft pink.]
Sousuke-senpai's tongue is too loose.
[... Because he assumes Sousuke told him about as much back during second year. Who is to say? Sousuke had also pinned that sentence as something prone to come from Rin himself. Ai, at once, is pulling his towel off from him entirely, bypassing Rin to head toward the benches.]
I'm getting back in.
[Because he could sit here and ruminate on how much of a distance he feels he still needs to cross, can gnash his teeth over how he feels too inept to take up any kind of space near Rin where it matters, but ultimately none of these things will fix themselves. And maybe he can't cut out the part of him he wishes to excise and maybe he can't turn his eyes a darker shade of blue, but he can get his PB down and make sure their coaches notice, so. Better keep up, Rin!!!]
no subject
Date: 2025-12-27 08:24 pm (UTC)Kirishima might just be like that with anyone, with the way those lashes flutter.
[maybe ikuya catches that, maybe he doesn't. but at least rin can smirk with ai suddenly flustered, the color evident on his face. at least this bit feels familiar. maybe there is a chance he knows him and sousuke will probably pay for that at some point]
Why don't you tell him that yourself?
[nevermind that distance that has slowly been swelling as well. something rin has been trying to ignore in turn. it feels with his relationships budding with others, others slowly begin to quell. him and sousuke still have...a lot to address with one another unfortunately. but neither has been willing to touch the topic, and so they just don't and haven't. it has worked for them in the past unfortunately.
though rin tries not to smirk when he sees ai heading back towards the pool. he tries to take it as ai bettering himself, ai filled with a stubborn determination to outdo himself. he's already on a roll, beating rin right? might as well capitalize on that. he can't afford to sit here and slack around either though. i'm making that fucking relay roster one way or another. he's not letting his fuckup at all japan bite him in the butt now.
...but as he's walking near the pool, a hip catches him. very purposefully from one ikuya kirishima who did hear the lashes comment. and so rin very nearly stumbles in with a huff and a not at all hidden glare shot towards him. he flips ikuya off, and goes back to the starting block. though...he does glance around again, and doesn't see haru. it's a little unnerving. he just up and bailed when rin was swimming against ai. rin doesn't know if he's making mountains out of molehills though, and goes back to swimming his own laps.
staying in his own lane. but he won't be left behind, ai!
...though needless to say, rin runs himself absolutely ragged. maybe pushing himself a bit too hard through the hangover. but quite some time later, he's slung over the lane line, face half in the water as he keeps himself barely hauled up above the surface.
go on without him ai, he's done for]
no subject
Date: 2025-12-27 09:40 pm (UTC)[And he's not touching on that with any more words because if he does he knows he's going to brush against sensitivities he'd rather not. He knows Rin is in a precarious situation with Sousuke, too. Ai also knows Sousuke and his relationship has developed to be a bit more complicated on account of... Everything. A level of jealousy between them. From Sousuke's end, for having had a bite. From Ai's end, for having the strength to remain unchanged.
... It's a selfish thought that flits through his brain. That what he and Sousuke once had can never come again to pass. That catharsis, that outlet, gone. It'd simply be unfair, what with all that has happened in his apartment. It's a faint thought in the back of his head, quiet and mumbled. From the start, you should have kept your legs closed.
Ai isn't exactly heedless to who does or doesn't swim in the same lane or beside his lane, but he had noticed it, too. Haruka nowhere to be found, which was odd, given the man's proclivity for all things water. Ai crushes something to the tune of another 600m - at a leisurely pace, the last 200m functioning as a cool down - before finally resurfacing, plenty of their other teammates already back in the changing rooms. Time goes so fast when you're able to actually shut your brain off.
He spares a moment to lay himself over the lane line, a few feet downwind from Rin. Exhausted. Still not good enough. He'll talk to their coach about changing up some drills to help with shoulder and hip alignment...
... He hauls himself out of the water. He's too spent to push himself for further training right now; maybe later. Maybe he'd bail on a night out a second time.]
I'll wash up and meet you outside, senpai. [Because he figures they'll walk back together, maybe find a bite... But Ai hesitates. Peering down into the pool as he waits for Rin to haul himself out too. Because a thought eats away at him--]
I haven't seen Nanase-san, he might've gone on already. [Equal parts you should text him and If that means staying behind, I get it. But Ai is, again, eager not to keep things too heavy, implications never lost on him,] We should pick up something for him too on the way back...
no subject
Date: 2025-12-30 09:58 pm (UTC)times flies when your brain stops yapping at you.
he hoists himself up, knee catching on the side of the pool for an instant. before he clambers fully up the side into a standing position. he nods, giving ai his space, knowing that sort of dismissal when it's evident. though...ai parrots exactly what rin was thinking, and he can't help the way he stiffens. like he's pegged where rin's mind was before rin could even vocalize it. shit, he hates how predictable he is, always has been. even back in their dormitory days. always haru this, haru that and now--]
Yeah, yeah. Mackerel and water and that guy's happy as a clam.
[he scoffs, it coming out with a bit more bite than he intends. because really, haru seemingly vanished when him and ai raced. rin internally rolls his eyes. was the guy pouting? no, that's stupid. rin doesn't want to talk about it, because he knows that's going to open either a whole discussion or shutdown on one of their parts. and rin doesn't want to think about last night, their drunken bodies swaying--]
Go shower. Shit, this chlorine smell is gonna make me puke.
[he grabs ai's towel off the bench first, tossing it at him before he grabs his own. but of course his own head betrays him, and he casts a glance back at the pool. before he scoffs and heads towards the locker rooms]
no subject
Date: 2025-12-30 10:12 pm (UTC)... Though circumstance doesn't help. Ai was still trying to configure it in his head, especially so now that he and Rin-- talked. It was somehow easier when he thought he had to try harder, because that just meant rolling over and ignoring what was going on behind his back in plain sight. Minimizing was easy. Taking up space when the room feels like it is filled with smoke is much more difficult; even if Ai knew how to take a step forward, that didn't make it any easier to find breathing room.
But he knows at least a few things for certain. One, it was odd that Haru up and left; Ai is pretty sure he'd been there when their IM started. Two, it'd be odd if Rin didn't have a reaction to that. Three, it's an inevitability they will all meet back in the room at some point. So.
He does the impossible and keeps his smart mouth shut when Rin plays it off like it isn't a big deal. A silent breath in, diaphragm pressed; a cool breath out, shoulders relaxed. He blinks when his towel is suddenly tossed his way, not used to Rin beating him to the punch,]
Thank you,
[Quickly scruffing his hair with it and disappearing into the shower rooms.
He tries to make it a quick affair, not wanting to keep Rin waiting overlong. Washed, rinsed, declothed, dried, reclothed; Ai's bag is packed and slung over his shoulder with an unusual haste, and he parks at the front of the locker room waiting for Rin to do the same. Ai pulls out his phone; no texts, as expected. They were all in the same place after all. But he stares down at Haruka's number.]
no subject
Date: 2025-12-30 10:34 pm (UTC)the hot water spilling across his scalp and shoulders. the way it blots out his brain for a time, and dulls that throb. the one that started long before the hangover ever did. rin sighs softly with content, pressing his forehead against the shower stall wall. there's echoes of laughter from his teammates, excited chatter and other things. but he dully tones it out for a while, just focusing on the pitter patter of water in the stall, rinsing the smell of chlorine off of himself. it's just the hangover, he tells himself. that's the only reason the smell is making him--
there's a rap at his stall, and he damn near jumps out of his skin. but it's just natsuya messing with him as he drapes over ikuya's shoulder and laughs as they depart. ikuya shoots him an apologetic look, one that just has rin scoffing, trying to smooth out his ruffled feathers.
he finds ai at the front of the locker room, after he takes a good ten minutes to get back into normal people clothes. he's tying his hair back as he comes out, huffing]
Sorry, hope I didn't keep you waiting.
[rin misses ai staring down at haru's number, wincing as he finishes looping the ponytail around his fingers, a few stray strands pooling down anyway despite his best efforts. he rolls his eyes, and forgoes trying to tame them, shifting his bag over his shoulder]
Want to go dump stuff off at the room first? Or are you hungry enough to eat a horse?
[look it's a saying he picked up in australia from some of the american guys ok]
no subject
Date: 2025-12-30 10:57 pm (UTC)How strongly Rin responds to such a thing. Always a sucker for heated expressions and the like. He can't help but wonder, where does it leave him? So rarely do he and Rin grow competitive, meaningfully or otherwise. The words on his screen remain in a bold white, Nanase Haruka (Iwatobi). There are footfalls behind him.
Ai wonders when he will stop wondering what exactly his spot, his role, his boon to Rin's life is. All he knows is that it's changed, fundamentally, and he isn't so sure if he wants to unearth its name. Best friend, Rin had said, but how much can that be true?--
He nearly jolts when Rin's voice breaks through his wayward rumination, shutting off his phone screen and pocketing it quickly. And sure, Ai could eat a horse, but.
The answer is obvious, isn't it?]
We should head back first. [To see if Nanase-san is there. And to drop off their bags, but. Ai has a hunch he knows where Rin's priorities are right now, too... So he thinks.]
Ah, but we can pick up something on the way.
[It seems Ai isn't gonna let Rin redirect, as he's already exiting the locker room, expecting Rin to follow Ai's way down the hall to the front of the building. The sun was still high on the horizon, only the late afternoon; the weather temperate. An odd and poignant calm in the universe that completely contrasts to the near-constant confusion in his head. Once he's made it outside, he slows to match Rin's pace, walking beside him.
And it seems Ai rolls a thought around in his head a little bit, before delivering it with a lopsided, sheepish smile.]
It was fun, swimming the IM together. I almost wish I hadn't so I could have watched you do it instead.
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Date: 2025-12-30 11:10 pm (UTC)[at least ai doesn't address the elephant in the room. and rin is grateful for that. a logical conclusion, followed up by something that is a minor stall, something he's equally grateful for. not letting him ignore things (except he will absolutely continue ignoring thanks). and so rin hauls his bag a little better over himself, tagging along easily in turn.
...maybe that's ai's place in rin's life. that calm, cooling breeze settling over on a hot day. rin raises a brow at ai's words. but he can't help the smirk that tugs itself across his features]
You can just give up that victory, and pretend you watched instead. I'll take it.
[he laughs, bumping against ai as they walk, trying to embrace that normality they once shared. he knows logically, it's quite impossible. but every day he'll be damned if he doesn't at least put forth the effort]
Harder than it looks. Have to do a lot of different movement in a short amount of time. I think I almost started free instead of fly near the end. So of course you're good at it.
[the praise is well aimed, true in its meaning. ai is able to simper through pressure and everything else
when rin's not mucking up his life, of course. so of course something like that is right up his alley. even if it's not quite his go to anymore. rin still remembers once upon a time it was. and he capitalizes on reminding him everytime, telling him he could square up against ikuya if he really felt like it]no subject
Date: 2025-12-30 11:24 pm (UTC)[A forfeited victory. Ai thinks back to their first year when Rin had won his race against Haruka, but seemed put off by it. He wasn't in good form, Rin had said. It's like beating an elementary schooler.
A parallel dawns on him. One that is naked with a storm outside and a too-crowded futon. Rin hadn't been satisfied then either, right? Because it was too easy. Ai wonders, passively, when he will stop thinking about that night, as he quickly moves on from the thought and hopes Rin didn't pick up on the same, nearly clearing his throat in the process,]
Huh?
[He doesn't get Rin's implication at first, but then it settles. And because Ai is singularly unable to take a compliment, he smiles in that deflective way of his,]
But it's fun, isn't it? To push your body in that kind of way. I'm definitely rusty, though. If I wanted to think about it seriously, I'd have to talk it over with the coaches.
[Which is to say he won't. I want to specialize in two strokes, just like you. Even at that time, he'd been so-- honest. Ai sneaks a glance at Rin from the corner of his eye before looking forward again as they walk, ignoring how even now, even now, such a small thing can make his heart hiccup,]
Well... I know I have to focus on breast. It's critical I keep my times low before competitions start.
[So I can join you on that stage. Of course Ai wants it for himself too, but. Who was responsible for getting him here? Somehow, saying that out loud seems like too much, so he keeps it to himself.]
Ah, [he gestures to a tiny bakery as they walk past,] How about here? I still want to try an authentic Paris baguette.
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Date: 2025-12-30 11:48 pm (UTC)Whatever, ugh.
[rin tries not to think about that night. easier said than done. it's not because the act itself was bad. it's because his behavior surrounding the whole affair was...disgusting, to put it lightly. he tries not to think about how he tried goading ai into hurting him, like that would somehow make it better. he tried not to think about the fallout that still lingers in the back of his mind in the form of a creepy voicemail that he wasn't alone in. tried not to think about sousuke's glistening gaze and how he made ai cry and yell and--]
Call that shit fun?
[that's easier to focus on, and rin snorts, shifting his hold on his bag. though he's dimly aware of ai shifting away from the compliment stratosphere. and his lip twitches and he bumps ai's shoulder again, this time a little harder]
Take the compliment, geez. Your breast times got you here, right? It's not like you're forgetting them or anything. Just...putting them to a different use. You should talk it over with them. What's the worst they say? Doubt they'd even say no...
[rin's...encouragement talks need some work if he ever wants to be a coach of some kind. but the silent implication rings true between them. despite it all, rin isn't dropping that dream. to stand on the international stage with his friends. and he knows ai isn't keen of dropping that dream either. the one that's swam beside them all these years, even through all the monumental fuckups and lack of communication--]
Of all things...
[rin laughs, pulling the door open for ai. stiffening with the realization, but he tries to swallow it down. it's just something he's going to have to hurdle over time and time again until he forgets it (he won't)]
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Date: 2025-12-30 11:58 pm (UTC)Rin gets a look. And eyes where Rin's just bumped his shoulder, before Ai melts into a deadpan.]
I want to focus on breast. I have a goal, and IM or 400m free right now would distract from it. You know what it feels like to spread too thin, don't you?
[And Ai doesn't have a single fucking clue about last year's kerfuffle behind closed doors, other than a few ominous texts from his uncle, so good luck with that one Rin.
You know what isn't laden in double entendre, or trauma, or bad memories, or regret? Baguettes. Ai steps in ahead of Rin with a polite little bow of his head for the gesture, not thinking of it too much unlike Rin, and all but trots to one of the display counters. His eyes scan over all of the overly sweet pastries - even too sweet for him - and to more of the savoury baked goods. Ai taps at his chin; he thinks he knows what he wants, but.
He's too considerate for his own good, and constantly trying to model for Rin a normalcy Ai himself doesn't even feel, so he looks over to Rin with an inquisitive expression that belies the pull in his gut,]
What do you think Nanase-san would like? I think we should bring something back for him, just in case.
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Date: 2025-12-31 12:21 am (UTC)...got it.
[at least ai still has the superpower in putting rin in his place when it matters. though the embarrassment flushing his cheeks seems more akin to shame than anything beyond that. like a kid with his hand in the fucking cookie jar.
he drops it.
the bakery smells nice. it's quite literally a breath of fresh air from whatever conversation they were just traversing towards. and rin isn't a fan of sweets, but the smell of the place is nice. it's warm inside, and quiet enough that he doesn't feel trapped or anything. quite the opposite. he's content to trail behind ai, looking at the various things. most of which he doesn't have a clue what they are but.
still, rin stiffens a little. right. that unspoken thing earlier. he figures ai won't let him let it go. he didn't their first year. he won't their tenth or twentieth if they make it that far either. rin huffs, kneeling down to look at a few things, squinting at the display cases]
Find something shaped like...
[his eye catches it before he even finishes his sentence. there's a little pastry that looks like a. shark? fish? something. an elegant little puff pastry garnished with some chives. he tries to read off the sign, pointing at it and well. it's obvious his french needs some work but]
Salmon en croute. Yeah, he'd probably like that.
[rin continues to look over everything, casting a sidelong glance at ai as he fishes in his bag for his wallet]
Pick whatever, I'll get it.
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Date: 2025-12-31 12:34 am (UTC)Minutes. It took minutes for him to do what Ai spends months, years trying to accomplish. And so he has no choice. If Rin is content to be stubborn in admitting whether or not things are complicated, he will find Ai's tenacity a rough beast to quell. Because in Ai's mind, he has spent too much time taking Rin's smile away, when he can see an easy means of making sure it doesn't happen again. It has played in his mind over and over since that night, but especially since talking with Sousuke. How much different things would be if he'd had the strength to send Haruka a text sooner. Ai wasn't an idiot, had known from the start why Rin was there, so why? Why hesitate?
... For the same reasons you laid with him.
He has no words and no outward reason for why his shoulders stiffen.]
Ah, you don't,
[Except Ai recalls suddenly that Rin insisted very strongly on covering their next meal, so. He guesses this is it.]
... Thank you, Rin-senpai,
[Ai relents, approaching the register and its attendant with an overly confident and smooth] Bonjour, [followed by their order so far: salmon en croute for their missing party, a demi baguette and jam for Ai.
He looks to Rin with a gesture for him to finish out with what he'd like. And no, he can't speak French, but he sure can mimic the accent, thanks to his music. The cashier looks between the both of them, thoroughly unimpressed.]
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Date: 2025-12-31 12:59 am (UTC)[but ai relents easier than rin anticipates. and it even pulls a little wide eyed gaze from him in exchange. it just melts into a thank you instead, and why do those words in that tone set him ablaze like that? why on earth is he wanting to bristle like some offended cat? what, did he just think it would be harder than that? he should be happy ai let it go so easily. why does he want to brawl so much with people? he doesn't get it.
...maybe that's why haru is able to just say a few words to him and it sets him ablaze. always that stupid lingering competition, thinly veiled by dry, smarmy words.
rin is temporarily awestruck in the way ai pulls it off flawlessly. and maybe ai catches him staring for a minute. because he quickly jerks himself out of it, and stares at the pastry case, desperately looking for something that isn't going to be too sweet but--]
A-Ah! Desolee. Tarte...fruits?
[rin points at a small berry tart in the case. he really wants some fruit and hopes that one won't be too bad. it looks like just raspberries on top of the custard so...
he equally hopes he didn't butcher that. fuck, he forgot the aux didn't he?? before he can apologize though the attendant begins gathering their things like they didn't just listen to rin botch it terribly, and rin shoves his card into the slot with a huff, not even looking at the total]
Quit one upping me. [rin snorts playfully] You make it look so easy.
[rin knows he has everyone else owned on english but that's about as far as it goes. he can maybe get some basics everywhere else they go but...]
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Date: 2025-12-31 01:10 am (UTC)His smile is too wide, teeth too visible, and he turns his head away from both Rin and the cashier in order to hide his mouth behind his knuckles. Even if he wasn't already five years deep into sentiments he'd rather cut away, the response is potent and obvious,
He sounded cute, trying to say it.
Ai still hesitates even when Rin addresses him, taunts him. Because his smile is still too wide and he doesn't want Rin thinking he's laughing at him, because he's not! And also doesn't want Rin to know Ai thinks it was charming, because that's true, which is worse. Ai turns around away from Rin in order to approach the front door, but not without first letting loose a sing-songy,] Merci beaucoup!
[His turn to hold the door open for Rin, and their present circumstance and his misplaced glee wiping his mind of memories from when he'd been a bit bolder and a bit more deluded,]
I said two words, senpai. [It's be impossible for Rin not to face him now, and so it's impossible to hide his smile anymore.] You sounded great.
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Date: 2025-12-31 02:42 am (UTC)[he huffs, waltzing through the doorway after the cashier bags up their procured goodie bags. fresh air feels better, his migraine is mostly dispersed. but there's still some lingering phantom pains. or maybe aches is the better word for it. whatever. it's just better out here than some stuffy shop, despite how nice it smells.
though he can't fight the hint of red that touches his cheeks at ai's compliment. it feels...unfair. undeserved heaps of praise that he's being subject to. well, maybe not heaps. but it feels like it sometimes. but there's a little glimmer at the end of the tunnel at least. maybe their hotel room can be a source of less hostility and awkwardness, and more attune to how other dorm-mates find themselves. at home. comfortable. mildly annoyed when haruka nanase takes up the whole bath--
he pauses for a moment to allow ai to catch up after he held the door open for them, and then sets his pace to match ai's, just taking in the scenery around them. sometimes, when he thinks back to being a kid and making it to the top of the world? it felt more grounded and at home. but now here he is. being shown all this new culture and new sights with his friends. the most important people to him]
...still doesn't feel real sometimes.
[rin finally settles on as they near the hotel, and he casts a look across the street to somebody just out there--painting--of all things. and something absolutely stunning at that. there's street artists all around the world sure, but that one just seems perfectly placed there. like he's meant to see it. how childish]
Kid me wouldn't believe it.
[he pauses, casting a look at ai]
What about you?
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Date: 2025-12-31 03:28 am (UTC)Even at that age, it's all you ever wanted. Right? I think if it was inevitable for anyone to wind up on this stage, it'd be you, Rin-senpai.
[And it isn't just patting Rin's ass. That is maybe the worst part of it, whenever Ai says something nice, a compliment, an accolade: he means it. Sincerely, wholly. From the bottom of his heart he believes Rin manifested his own dream. With everything Ai has. And since day one it's breathed an untold amount of inspiration into him.
He feels Rin's eyes on him, and meets them somewhat sheepishly from the corner of his own. Before melting into a soft smile, paired with a shake of his head.]
Not at all. When I think to that younger me, he's unrecognizable. [Starry-eyed. Eager. Reckless. Rin's memories of that relay in elementary school were completely different, but they set Ai on a trajectory he could have no way of knowing would radicalize his very existence.
... Ai pauses at the awning of their hotel. Looks down the length of his body.]
This person is unrecognizable from even two years ago. If I told him where life would take me, I don't think he'd believe me, either.
[You will make it to the Japan national swimming team. You will have your heart shattered. You'll travel all over the world for training. And you will never, ever change who you are. He could sit here and reminisce on it all for another hour, but instead does both him and Rin the favour of entering into the hotel, blessed by the automatic door this time.
... Maybe on day three, it'll feel like a haven. Unfortunately, reentering the building is accompanied with all the same unsettled nerves as the day before and the morning earlier. He approaches the elevator, chooses not to think about the overly tense conversation he and Rin had in one just hours ago, and patiently waits for one of them to drop to the lobby floor.]
How was it last night, seeing more of the city?
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Date: 2025-12-31 03:50 am (UTC)not him patting rin's ass. but talking fondly back about the person ai used to be. unrecognizable. and doesn't rin relate to that fiercely? life's highway is a strange and winding one. there's never any guessing where exactly it will take you. rin can't say he thought about...how things would end up in that too small apartment.
all the fallout from it. professional, personal. rin tries not to sour, but maybe his expression gives him away for a moment. but he tries to focus on the positives. ai's contemplation coupled with his whimsical words, that seem so light. unfortunately, rin is a little oblivious to exactly where ai's mind heads off to. and that's on him for being a selfishly fueled person. it's easy to read people, sure. but when they sound like that? it's a little easier.
though rin does damn near splutter at ai's question. he got into thinking he was going to get off scott free about last night. and maybe his face heats up a little at all the memories. not just of haru, but of just letting loose in a strange, new and dizzily exciting place. he worries his lip for a moment. that sourness just turns into a mournful thing.
that ai wasn't there experiencing it with them.
he huffs, and rubs the back of his neck, squeezing his eyes shut as he waits for the elevator with a tapping foot. it wouldn't do him any good to lie either, but. the ding of the elevator sounds it's arrival, and rin watches some teammates and strangers scurry off before they enter, and he furiously presses their floor and jams the "close" button repeatedly, before anyone else can even think of squeezing in here. he groans]
It was good. Great. I got so fucking trashed, I probably made a fool of myself but...
[but that much was probably obvious. considering him and haru's state of disarray when they entered, and how furious rin's head was pounding this morning. not to mention how thoroughly ai trashed him in their little race. he remembers natsuya's laugh. dancing with haru. ikuya's fingers through his belt loop, tugging him in for a dance as well. he remembers so many drinks he forgot but]
City missed you though.
[and the doors open, and he steps off with a huff. he meant it. ai's his best friend.
nothing can change that]
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Date: 2025-12-31 04:08 am (UTC)... Because he'd seen it for himself. How literally on top of each other the two of them had been when they came back to the hotel. How loose Haru's tongue was, of all people. And it painted a very bold picture that only made Ai even more glad he hadn't gone. Given all, what space would he have there? The thought alone makes him anxious to go tonight. Worried what sort of mess will come from drinking; what sort of questions will be raised if he doesn't. Unsure if he can survive a night without an out.
He steps in alongside Rin, simper painted on his face and doing a great job at hiding his dismay with it all,]
Just a little bit. Actually, I'm still more surprised at Nanase-san than anything.
[Which is still not exactly confirmation he'd heard that last night, but it's about the fourth time Ai's skated around it. City missed you, though. It's... Much harder, this time, to hide the way his expression is crestfallen. Were he to exact his truths, he risks guilting Rin too much, and Ai doesn't want that. They talked it through this morning, after all.]
Sorry. I really wasn't feeling up to it. [I think I made the right choice.] But, we can make up for it tonight, right? [But don't set your expectations too high.
He wonders if he should prematurely send Sousuke a few texts as a safety net.
Ai trails right behind Rin down their hallway back to their room, smoothing one hand over his opposite forearm. For Rin's sake, he hopes Haruka's back in the room; for his own, he hopes he isn't. Ai feels a little selfish for even thinking such a thing.]
no subject
Date: 2025-12-31 04:20 am (UTC)I... What did he--
[what did you hear him say? what did you see him do? rarely, is rin rendered speechless but. well. ai has always been so adept at disarming him. it's no surprise this is any different]
I told you. Guy needs to hold his booze better.
[...which equally does little to confirm or deny ai's suspicions around everything. rin knows they didn't fucking do anything. but the rest of the world doesn't know that. and it's looking less and less likely. he leans down to snatch his phone off the floor, fingers white knuckled around it]
It's fine. I'm not forcing you, sorry. That was a shitty thing to say.
[rin tries to scramble for something else, and sucks at it per usual. he tries to focus on ai's well being more than whatever the hell happened last night between the two. rin finally finds his keycard, and holds it up for a moment, huffing as he stares at it]
I'll hang back with you if that's what you want.
[he offers gently, trying to press the card against the slot without much luck. he huffs, trying to take on a more earnest tone]
Just know I'm not forcing you into shit.
[he hears the beep, and shoves the door open. and by some small miracle haru is in there. except he's in the middle of changing, and rin is treated to a full fucking frontal and whips around really fast, gritting his teeth]
The fuck did I say about keeping your pants on?
[he can't see haru, but can hear the pouting in his voice. "You didn't knock."]
Yeah, cause it's my room too, jackass! Do that shit in the bathroom.
[he just hopes what he's hearing is haru pulling all his clothes back on. rin passes a glance over at ai, brow twitching. it's going to be awkward no matter what. so he's just trying. for ai's fucking sake. he steps aside to let haru go to the bathroom, and pulls the door shut behind the team japan hopeful]
...thanks. This afternoon was nice.
[directed at ai]
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Date: 2025-12-31 04:37 am (UTC)It's that familiar feeling, a tightness in his throat, mirroring a tightness in his gut. He'd felt it when they'd left the room and came back last night; felt it in that natatorium parking garage. Ai still isn't sure how to cope with it, and resents his instinct is split twain between rolling over and taking it or running.
And then Rin is-- back pedaling, in that unique way he does when he has a notion in his head. It tells Ai he's said something to make Rin feel guilty after all, and Rin's dropped his phone and his words are rapid fire and Ai can see, with his eyes, that his hand is shaking and. Professional as always, Ai puts on a sympathetic expression - not quite a smile, but the kindness does kiss his eyes, at least - and very very gently touches Rin's back. Grounding him; reaffirming Ai isn't scared of him.]
Senpai, it's okay.
[Something tells him Rin would sooner jump out a window than spend an evening holed up in here with him. He knows because Rin was barely tolerating Ai's apartment shortly before departure. Ai barely manages to get out,]
I know you wouldn't,
[Force me, but his words are cut short by the door opening and then Rin spinning around in record speed. Ai had been about to walk in right behind him, but is suddenly met face-to-face with an owlish Rin. Ai blinks. Turns his cheek, and takes a step back. And only once Rin's moved does he follow in after, peering around him as if to try and see whatever it was he's just missed, ignoring the flutter in his chest... Ah, but Haruka's already in the bathroom. Then Rin's beckoning him one last time, and Ai chooses to focus on that net positive, rather than fall victim to the churning tempest in his chest.]
It was. [He looks down. To the bathroom. Then, hushed and quickly to Rin,] ... Sorry, again, for this morning. I don't have words for how grateful I am that you're patient with all this stuff. [Yeah. Stuff. And Ai's gonna need to borrow a bit of that patience to make it through tonight, he knows it.
So it's away from Rin and over to his bed, sorting through his sports bag for his wet clothes to gently rinse once Haruka frees the bathroom. Funny; they'd gone through all that fuss for some food, and Ai no longer has an appetite.]
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Date: 2025-12-31 05:04 am (UTC)i don't deserve it.
he doesn't deserve any of this. not the world, not these people that keep letting him back in when he massively fucks them over one way or another. rin wishes ai were scared of him, waltzed right down to miyakawa or ryuji or mikhail or whoever would listen and demand a room change. then rin could wallow in the selfishness of his own mistakes and live miserably knowing he's hurt yet somebody else. but that's a perfect world where ai looks out for himself, and not for others]
Got nothing to be sorry for.
[rin blurts out, rubbing the back of his head as he lets the door close behind them. because it's not ai's fault. not by a long shot. everything boils down to rin. how much fun could they all be having together if rin had kept his legs closed, his temper in check? if he'd just been honest to haru and sousuke and everyone from the start about coming back to japan? trying not to avoid a stupid "breakup" if it could even be called that at this point?
things could be so much different.
rin waltzes over to his bed, dumping his swim bag on it. before he stares at the bag looped around his other wrist and gnashes his teeth together. more delicately than he should pulling the pastries out, and rolling the small plastic container of his tart in his hand. he sighs, and walks over, holding the bag out for ai to do the same. he gets it without ai even having to say it.
who can have an appetite after something like that?
eventually, haru comes out of the bathroom, and rin is pouting on his bed, glaring daggers at his tart. he'll shower later. he at least grabbed one when they got out of the pool, and took longer than he should have anyway, kept ai waiting...he tosses the bag on haru's bed]
Since you ran off without saying anything.
[and that's all he says before he rolls back over, pulling out his phone]
...you can grab the shower first. Sorry dolphin boy is a hog with it.
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