[He had felt it back then, too. The sudden flipped switch in Rin's brain; Ai swears he can see it happen, the moment his mind flies somewhere else and an unusual darkness settles over his countenance. Wonders what he could have said, could have done to put Rin in that place. They had been just fine a minute ago. What happened?
It's the easy way to try and handle it. Assume guilt. Assume responsibility. That meant Ai could maintain a semblance of control; unfortunately, it's only going to lead him to dead ends. Once upon a time he would have considered himself and Rin mirrors of one another, intrinsically connected by words unspoken that laid their inner machinations plain between the margins. Painful self-actualization of not being good enough, never being good enough. Simply being born wrong and having to live with that, every single day. Ai's only ever pointed inwards; Rin's, sometimes, infrequently but enough for Ai to notice, points outward.
It didn't have to be like this.]
R--, [he starts, and stops, because for the first time in a while, he cannot even begin to guess at where Rin's mind has gone. Where it concerned sex, Ai figured it to be Rin outrunning the obvious. But... Ai's intuition right then says otherwise. Because the look in Rin's eyes, beyond the murky darkness, is guilt. Plain as day. Ai assumed he himself had put it there; had laid the groundwork for Rin to make mistakes. The logical thing would be to not indulge in the very thing that started it all, yet with sudden alacrity, Ai's thighs meet the cool air of his studio apartment, and the way Rin sucks at his skin there wipes Ai's mind clean-slate white.]
Rin-senpai, [comes a rattled, whispered chide. As if trying one last time to convince Rin, certainly not himself, that this wasn't necessary. If you can't see me-- but by god, it is hard to ignore the way his soft dick immediately begins to pulse to life the darker the bruises grows under Rin's voracious lips. Ai throws his head to the side, presses the side of his knuckles to his mouth, wrings his eyes shut. His hand is already half-way to Rin's head before Rin drags it the remainder of the distance into his hair; Ai needs zero coaxing to grab beautiful long strands, bucking his hips up urgently against Rin.
Sense is gone. This they had in common: falling slave to the ghost of hunger. What was one more mistake made in this apartment, anyway? Ai knows he can just pick up the pieces later, as he always does.]
[sex isn't always a means of escape. but it can be, even more than some means to an end.
and rin doesn't have to listen hard to hear the way his name and that familiar title trickles from ai's lips. it's ragged, almost as though he's trying to convince rin to not do it. and if rin were someone more sane, someone with less baggage and desire to prove himself worthy? he might have listened.
but as it is he doesn't and nuzzles the side of ai's dick, already so hot and hard and-- rin makes a noise against his shaft, dragging his lips along the length. it doesn't matter. because it's something he knows he's good at. just like every other time. his stupid mouth is for more than fighting and cursing and ruining everything around him.
his tongue swirls around the base, before dragging back up and he wraps his lips around the head of ai's dick. letting it linger in the heat of his mouth for a moment, while his hand slowly begins to work the rest of him to full hardness. rin pulls his mouth back, letting his tongue lavish the tip of ai's dick again. he pulls back entirely, making a show of dragging his tongue across his mouth.
it's something. it's not everything he wants (he can't have) but it's something to settle this tension that's been boiling and simmering between them for god know's how long. rin tries to once again push those looks and questions--sousuke's especially (and the stern look)--before he continues the motions, tipping his head up into ai's grip with a soft noise]
[When one intends to escape, and one tries so desperately to stay, chase is inevitable. Maybe that was their destiny, a weirdly coherent thought to have seconds before Rin's eager, lascivious lips rip his mind and heart both back to reality, where warmth he had written off as a bygone crashes over him all at once, and Ai's reaction is immediate and far, far more animated and present than it had been the first time they did this.
One of his legs is bent at the knee, pressed to the back of the couch; the other slides off the couch, tip of his toes digging into a rough ledge near the bottom of the couch's architecture for purchase. Already, he's bucking his hips up and off the cushion, as if he might be able to chase the sinful warmth of Rin's tongue; as if he could communicate his want, louder than he ever has before. There's nothing left to hide, after all.
Already, small patches of yellow and purple blossom around his pelvis; Ai's eyes take it all in in an instant, as Rin licks his lips, hungry. It quickly pins itself as a potent mental image to store for later; at present, it makes Ai toss his head back against the arm rest, and makes his knuckles go white in Rin's hair.
Fully hard, every ministration immediately sends dull shockwaves throughout his body. Ai was sensitive; unlike Rin, he hasn't had the wherewithal to shirk his shame and self-loathing long enough to jerk off in his shower. Not with Rin there, who unfortunately also occupied his mind at those lower moments. Fully pent up since last they erroneously came together.]
[and so he swallows him down, taking in every inch. this is exactly how rin wants it--wanted it--last time. so he relishes in the bucking hips, tightening fingers death gripping his hair, cutting off his oxygen every now and again, feeling the burn in his scalp.
it makes him feel something. and that's really what he wants most of all.
he adjusts himself so ai can fuck into his mouth better, tipping towards to scrape his damn tonsils. he keeps his tongue pressed on the bottom of ai's length, letting loose a soft groan that surely vibrates up his length. the praise doing him in equally. it's stupid to be equated to things in life. good at this or that. maybe that's why haru threw such a tantrum over it their last year of school.
but equally, rin knows this is a stupid talent to have. and so he wants to use it to make himself matter somehow in the grand scheme of things. like this will fix everything somehow. or at least just give him some use in life, and fill that emptiness with something. he doesn't know anymore. he doesn't care. he just continues to put his money where his mouth is, one hand gripping ai's thigh with a bruising grip to add onto the sensations]
[What was to feel, anyway? Ai's been through this routine countless times. Chasing a high in pursuit of safety from something else. Once the fog clears, the yawning, beckoning emptiness always follows. It is why he and Sousuke stopped their arrangement some years ago; it's why Ai promised himself never to do this again with Rin.
And yet, the body was a funny, impressionable thing. And the head too full of hope to bother giving protest.
Feeling good, now was apparently more than worth his pursuit. And easily given at that; every bob of Rin's head, every subtle roll of Ai's hips up into that impossibly warm and wet heat, Ai feels the coil in his gut grow tighter, threatening to snap. It's been a long while since he's found himself so without his wits - so close to the precipice so soon.
Unlike last time, there is no precognition in Ai's mind of what this was supposed to be; no silently attempting to fill shoes Rin never asked him to fill. Ai isn't so sure what is going through Rin's head, but Ai at the very least doesn't feel an impetus to over-present. This was enough, whatever this was.]
Senpai--
[Ask him later, and he won't be proud of the way he thrusts his hips upward in a sharp buck down Rin's throat as he comes, an airy and lilted gasp on his lips as his warm spend coats the very back of Rin's tongue. Faintly, Ai holds Rin's hair tighter, neglecting him the chance to pull back-- because faintly, Ai recalls Rin likes it this way. There's a subtle tremble in his breath as his body stops pulsating; hips fall back down onto the couch, dislodged from Rin. His hand in Rin's hair goes soft, his touch unusually sentimental; his thumb brushes back and forth over the crown of his head.
Doesn't want to look down. Can't. Doesn't want the visual confirmation it's already over. He sucks in a breath, gathering his wherewithal.]
Are you...? [It's difficult to tell, whether or not Rin's grown hard. Or even has an interest? Ai feels shameful to even ask, but was famously bad at staying his tongue, and post-coital lucidity isn't helping,] Is there anything that I--?
[the senpai is enough to make him remember exactly what this is, in turn.
and he dutifully takes what ai has to offer. under no pretenses over what this could transpire to be, or... rather, there's no cruelly aimed words and jeers to try to push ai into territory he clearly wasn't comfortable with. at least rin can shield himself under whatever the hell this is. all while he reaches behind ai to push his hips up, all while his head is held down to take it all in.
right. at least he's still got it. making people feel something other than lower than dirt.
rin swallows it all down, easily, eyes scrunching up as the back of his throat feels raw. but it's something, right? better than the ache that was swirling in his gut and chest. ai ventures a little deeper, touches turning lighter (that's normal, rin tries to tell himself. it's normal for people not to toss you to the dumpster after sex) but he tries not to cringe under the gentle ministrations nevertheless.
he doesn't deserve it, after all. and when rin pulls away from ai's softening cock, he knows exactly what it will entail. and ai follows the script perfectly, asking if he can touch him back. is there anything ai can do at this point? rin doesn't even feel turned on, just selfishly pursuing something that might make another feel better than he does. he bites his lip, pulling back a bit. does stress give you whiskey dick? probably. it's a bit embarrassing if anything else, and he lets his gaze fall to the floor]
[It fumbles off his lips too damn fast. Too damn insistently. As if trying to outrun the obvious, in all the same ways Rin was outrunning something, too. Because he saw Ai, but did he really? What was the point of all of this if Ai couldn't help him take the edge off? It's ten times worse if it's just me. Like he's throwing me a bone. A pittance, a distraction.
Ai needs to learn that where it concerns Rin, close to nothing is ever going to go as expected. It didn't the first year they knew each other, and it certainly won't now, where bad decision after bad decision after mistake after mistake has forced the two of them to compound into something unrecognizable.
Maybe it's easier this way, after all. Last time, Rin ran away. This time, he's shackled, and as far as Ai can tell, is begging Ai not to eat him alive.
The weight in his chest hangs so familiarly heavy, and Ai smiles in that simpering, rueful way of his. Shifts back just a little on the couch, enough to try and weasel his hands between their bodies so as to try and make himself decent again, haphazardly pulling up at his pants.]
... Ah, no. Like this, it's fine. [Flashes his eyes up at Rin just for a half-second, before ashamedly looking away.] Consider it an I-owe-you, then. Because you did me a favour. I'll feel bad if I can't somehow pay it back. [He forces that smile again, finally decent, and once again resigns himself to being stiff liquid against the arm rest.] No expiration date.
what favor would he even ask for? something with no expiration date? it would be easy to settle into something more obvious. a sexually gratuitous favor or perhaps another dicking against the futon. it's not like it doesn't cross his mind for a moment. but...
no. he doesn't want it. not like that.
in fact, he bites his lip at the prospect. like ai owes him anything at all. he scoffs, and pulls back, leaning all his weight against his hands pressed into the couch cushions behind him]
You don't owe me anything you know. Fuck.
[it's spat out, though lacking in any real heat as rin just rolls his shoulder and neck, closing his eyes with a huff and gritted teeth]
I did it because I wanted to. Better not hear about you giving out favors just because someone blew you. I'll kick your fucking ass.
[now that sounds and feels like the old rin. he stares pointedly between them, watching ai pull up his pants wordlessly for a moment. but then, sometimes comes to him and...]
Fine. Wanna know what I want?
[rin fists the front of ai's shirt, dragging him closer, accentuating every single syllable just so ai gets it through his thick head]
Sleep this off. Get to training camp. Show the fucking world, those reporters--everyone--what the fuck you're made of.
[You don't owe me anything you know. Fuck.] I know that-- [... ... I'll kick your fucking ass.] -- Who else would I possibly offer such a thing!
[He'd continue arguing, because really, the part of him he keeps so staunchly hidden is so interconnected with greater parts of him that it neglects the opportunity for Rin to see him fully. To see how Ai so selflessly and brazenly and enthusiastically wants to be present for him, thick and thin, highs and lows. How painstakingly devoted he is to their friendship and ensuring it lasts, no matter what, because it's precious to him. How willing he is to weather Rin's moods and brash behaviours because at this point, Ai has seen it all, including the parts of Rin that can be proud and bombastic and romantic and capable, who knows how to make mistakes, apologize, and move on. How much blood, sweat, and tears he puts into reforming himself, over and over, in order to be someone he can say he's proud of, all because Rin gave him something to work toward.
Except Rin's fisting the front of his shirt, and for a second, just a second, there is a flash of panic over Ai's countenance. There and gone. Still, he listens.
How small their problems were. So much of what I do is meaningless, in the end.
Ai grabs Rin's wrist and tries to tear it off from himself.]
I never once doubted what I can do. Not on this stage. Not with you.
[If Rin's released him, Ai's trying to sit up.]
No matter the circumstances. I didn't push as hard as I did just to stumble because of petty nonsense.
[His eyes feel hot, but he swallows it all down. Rubs the back of his head as if to fluff his hair, and with it his thoughts; jumble them a little to be less linear and coherent. Ai takes a steeling breath.]
[rin doesn't even know what he's talking about anymore. because isn't that an awkward thing to say? he'll kick someone's ass if ai's sleeping with someone else? handing out favors? what is he even saying?
but oh he's done it now. sowing doubt in ai? well, that's impossible actually. because apparently it's impossible to shake ai up like this. because ai is yanking rin's hand off of himself and pushing himself back up. petty nonsense? rin lets his back fall back against the armrest because he's honest to god flabbergasted with what is happening. but finally, he manages to spit back]
Sorry for being fucking, petty nonsense to you. Glad to know where I stand.
[he tears himself off the couch, and storms off to his futon, grabbing his swim bag from his corner and stuffing his goggles back inside as they threaten to slip out. he slings it over his shoulder, and tosses a glare back towards ai]
[Ai's off the couch and standing and about half of the distance toward his corner of the apartment when Rin spews that back at him, which has him turning around, borderline furious, blue eyes ice cold. As if this didn't all begin and start with a reality so starkly different to the accusation presently leveled against him. As if Rin, in any capacity, could ever be petty nonsense--]
You know that isn't what I said. [He has half a mind to stomp up to Rin and cuff him himself, but Ai has always been the bigger man between the two of them. Instead his fist goes white-knuckled at his side, nose wrinkling with his grimace, before choosing instead to let his voice carry behind him as he continues toward his bed,]
You probably wish you were petty nonsense. That'd make it ten times easier for you.
[Doesn't dignify Rin with a right? or isn't that so? because he has it on damn good authority Rin doesn't know how to handle him - barely could before, sure as shit can't now. Oscillated violently between being unable to so much as ruffle Ai's hair to sucking him off. Ai's emotions were too frayed to bother with being sensitive about it anymore; he gathers his sports bag and very nearly shoulders past Rin in his pursuit of the front door.]
all because he tried to slip back into genuinity, spitting out how he really felt about mikhail and ai's own inner doubts about getting so far. but then again, he selfishly stumbled into another matsuoka style fumble, his words and actions pathetically not lining up all while he wallowed in self doubt and pity regarding his own place. he's exhausted, on edge and just messing up everything further for them.
but ai's comeback twists something in him. and he just stares at him, unsure if that's really what he heard come out of his mouth. he has the foresight to at least yank himself out of the way before ai shoulders him into the wall, and rin grits his teeth. his fingers are tight against the strap of his swim bag.
it's tempting to say fuck it, and not even go. he could argue his leg still hurts, but really it's the back of his throat and chest that ache more than anything. and so rin stubbornly shoves past ai outside the front door, stalking off to the path he's treaded a million times before towards the pool. he refuses to dignify ai with a response. terrified if he does no good can come of it.
then again, it already feels like they're at the lowest. would it really matter?]
[It is a painfully awkward, quiet, tense walk to the natatorium.
Because Ai plays their argument over and over in his head, plays the moments leading up to it over and over. Their afternoon. Their morning. The day before. All of it, one frustratingly errant note after the other.
You probably wish you were petty nonsense. That'd make it ten times easier for you.
This, too, he plays over and over. Because even now, as his head begins to cool with the early evening air, Ai can't find it in himself to say he's wrong. So much of all of this would be so much simpler if Rin meant a little less to him. There'd be no complications around the first time they hooked up. There'd be no fanfare around the markings on their necks. There'd be no fallout. There'd be no anguish at being left alone at his lowest. There'd be no upset at not being able to reciprocate. There'd be no misstep after misstep after misstep. If Ai could do Rin the favour of only considering him petty nonsense and not holistically and singularly the most important person in his life, so much would be easier. So much may not have happened at all.
It isn't as if he meant Rin, anyway. I didn't push as hard as I did just to stumble because of petty nonsense. Ai's petty nonsense was that which he still tried to keep under tight lock and key. Funny how even now, spoken by another name, it has a way of colossally fucking things up when invoked. He'd tried to set the record straight, hold Rin accountable for willfully misinterpreting him, but. Then Ai took it just a step too far, because the depths of his hurt seem not to have limits. A near-constant swell of rejection and frustration and ineptitude. Somewhere well ahead of Rin, Ai's sniffing, rubbing furiously at his face before walking even faster-
You're my best friend, and I...
... Slowly, Ai's pace slows down. And slower still. Enough such that Rin would easily be able to close the gap.]
[has there ever been such an awkward walk between them?
not that rin isn't constantly checking over his shoulder and around them for. obvious reasons. journalist related reasons, because the last thing he needs is one of their fights becoming yet another fucking public spectacle. he's still waiting for that other shoe to drop anyways, trying to follow mikhail's advice, still twisting over ponderings in his head that might work, even though he hasn't solidified one yet...
but ai begins to slow.
and rin scowls, shifting his bag, trying to slow his pace in turn. his throat is still sore, and he can still taste ai in his mouth. and somehow...
but then he can tell the tears that are coming down. and rin overtakes ai for a moment, fingers tight on the strap of his duffel. agonizingly so, white knuckled in its intensity. he bites his lip, staring at the gym not far ahead of them. but then twists his head to look over his shoulder, and. well. he casts another glance around, nobody's around thank god.
so rin sighs and digs his heel into the pavement for a moment. all before he turns on said heel and awkwardly stands in front of ai, not quite looking at him. the words still sting. but he knows he's a hypocrite, and has said plenty of nasty shit in turn. it's well deserved. but it shouldn't be making ai so miserable either. fuck]
...maybe we should just go home.
[he bites out, his lips twisting a bit as he tries not to look at the way ai is scrubbing at his face]
Pool's not going anywhere.
[there's another offer on his tongue though. and he feels for his phone in his pocket, thumb brushing across the screen. or i can piss off and give you your space]
[He isn't ashamed for Rin to see him like this; Rin's seen Ai teary-eyed plenty of times, in good contexts and bad. What has Ai turning his cheek and taking in one verrrry deep breath is the knowledge it will only make Rin feel guilty.
How considerate, he thinks, that Rin is being. Or maybe he's so far gone to his own discontent that the idea of even swimming anymore made him feel bile in the back of his throat, too? No, Ai mentally reprimands himself, you can't do the same thing. You can't think like that. He sets his jaw, and in a matter of seconds, he's got his composure.
... Weak as it might be, but he had a point to prove. Mostly to himself.]
It's alright, [he insists, though isn't looking at Rin as he says it. He shifts weight some between his shoes, but doesn't have it in him to just... Push forward. Rin's trying, and Ai's got a cooler head now compared to when he barged out their front door, so it's the least he can do to remain present and amenable to compromise.] Practice doesn't stop just because we're a little upset. Right?
[Not that much ever comes out of forcing oneself, but. Ai forces a smile, this time more for Rin's sake than his own; his eyebrows are knit, expression half-way cut between apologetic and ashamed.] The water's bound to cool us off, anyway. We could use it right about now.
the one where you slip a mask on, in hopes of sparing another's feelings. he's done it so many times before--continues to do it to this day. and maybe rin's expression sours for a moment. before it's wiped clean, like it was never there to begin with. and rin turns around, making his way towards the pool.
it's not like ai isn't right. he is. painfully so, just like always. they're heated up, worked over with all the happenings of the last however the fuck long. and maybe they'll be spared anymore transgressions if they can just make it into the water. his thumb brushes along the strap of his bag, tossing a look over his shoulder, making sure ai is still following behind and rin didn't just pull the biggest asshole move and ditch him somewhere]
Yup. Cool down. Got it.
[he holds the door open for ai with his shoulder (a painful little flashback to that time, his first night here. where he was joking with ai about how if he held open doors like this for miyako matsuoka, well. she would disown him surely) and rin shoves the memory aside, scuffing his shoe against the bottom of the door in irritation]
[He only hopes he isn't holding Rin captive, somehow. Shackles of guilt or something worse making him feel forced to be present. Ai chooses to believe that if Rin wanted out, he'd leave - back to the apartment or otherwise. Even if faith was a hard-won thing nowadays, Ai at his core was always a person who wanted to at least try.
To believe in the good; to have faith things will be alright. Patience was his virtue and endurance his vice.
He follows after Rin inside of the building, that same exact memory flashing through his head. At the time, he'd really just been friendly, though Rin's goading had erroneously made Ai think it could have been something more. Maybe the third, fourth time he held a door open for Rin or let him enter a building first, he did it with a bit more intention; Ai remembers even letting loose a quip or two. The way he remembers Rin's smile from that first day back feels like a lifetime ago, even if in reality it's been two months at most. It makes his heart throb in his chest. How could it all go so sour?
All the same he flashes Rin a thankful if slightly watery smile before making his way to the changing rooms.
At this hour, the swimming area is basically empty. All the better, Ai thinks, especially as he begins to change. He didn't want anyone to see him in this sorry state, already certain he'll be swimming subpar times. Stepping out of his pants and briefs, he catches a reflection of himself in the locker mirror; the myriad bruises Rin had left on his hips are practically fluorescing in their strength. Ai's gut churns, feeling hot in one instance, and deeply shameful in another.
He never even brushed his teeth, Ai ruminates, pulling on his jammers, He probably still has me on his tongue. And Rin's breath - minty, slightly earthy - is still so recent in his mind's olfactory that it flashes across his senses like a phantom, for a moment. All at once, he's slamming his locker shut and all but marching toward the pool. Seems he has no option but to out-swim his own thoughts at this rate.]
[rin can't even hold ai's watery gaze, shifting it to fall elsewhere.
rin makes it a point to change in a totally separate area than ai. at least he's spared a myriad of angry blue and black. but then again even if anyone saw ai with those, wouldn't the first assumption be good for you or some shit? isn't that what guys do? congratulate the others on their sexual endeavors or something?
rin slams his locker shut, unwilling to think about it any further. nobody was ever congratulating him. not even himself.
he can already hear sousuke chiding him--no, ripping him a new one. it's going to come up somehow. the dude is eerily intuitive, and not like either of them would be able to lie to his face if it came up. rin grits his teeth, pulling his goggles up on his head, forgoing the usual snap of the straps like he's done for years.
he's just tired. that's all it is. he can shift the blame onto that easily. he doesn't even bother waiting for ai, grabbing his towel and tossing it against a chair that remains poolside. there's nobody in the lanes either, some small saving grace as rin braces himself on the starting block. he thinks he hears wet footsteps somewhere behind him, and can only come to the conclusion that ai probably entered the pool area.
so in he dives without a word, sliding into a slow warmup of freestyle]
[Ai is by coincidence only a few paces behind Rin by the time he enters the pool room. Which tells him Rin must've had a spot of rumination too. It only stands to reason; the both of them weren't in a good place right now. Ai wishes he had the wherewithal to do more to help Rin, but as it stands, trying to do exactly that is what has landed Ai at the most threadbare he's been since Rin's arrival. He's potently aware that he's presently a shell of himself, every ounce of him set to ash.
Still, he has to try. One of them does.
He minds Rin in the water for a moment - always a beautiful thing, even if they're both a little charged. And even if it's only a warmup. The way Rin cuts through water is equal parts grace and power, a sight that has had Ai captivated since he was nearly single-digits old. In the water it was so much easier to shirk feelings, too; to let them leak out and fall to the current. To be free.
The calm and manufactured blue of the pool water starts to turn just a little darker; something oceanic. Suddenly Ai's yanking on his cap and goggles, willing his brain to shut up for just two seconds, and diving in.
The way he swims is placid at best, and maybe uninspired at worst. Dolphin kicks to barely give himself propulsion, moreso just-- feeling the water and ambling down the lane than he is actually swimming. Counting breaths. Cooling down.
He tells himself he can't just spend the next hour aimlessly quasi-floating, so. At the end of the 50m, Ai stands in the pool, waiting for a flash of red when Rin inevitably has to take a breath. Their normalcy is dead and gone, but. I have to try.]
When you're warmed up I can time you if you'd like, senpai.
[there's something disgustingly freeing about cutting through the water with his outstretched hands. maybe haru had a point going on and on about feeling the water and whatever other shit. it does something to clear up his head, when nothing else can.
even if it's just the physical exertion getting worked out of him, he'll take it. happily.
he can feel the shift of the waters somewhere near him, ai swimming his heart out in turn. rin almost pushes through the 50m stupidly, stubborn determination at some ass attempt at attempting a breathless. but he's too worked up for that and breaches the water with a gasp, ripping his goggles down his neck for a moment to alleviate the pressure around his head.
ibuprofen when he gets home. got it.
he's gasping, but looks over at ai, with a raised brow. like he can't believe the olive branch he's being extended right now. because he knows he doesn't deserve it. and honestly? he isn't even sure if he wants it right now. he stares at ai for a moment longer, brows furrowing in deliberation. before he grits his teeth and pulls his goggles back over his eyes, snapping the strap on the back of his head this time]
Might as well. Have to show Phelps I'm not a pathetic nothing when I beat his fucking record.
[Despite his latent exhaustion and weariness, seeing Rin with at least a bit of his usual spark helps to set Ai's worries aside, even if only temporary. It was hard to feel the weight of a heart when so buoyant in the water, after all.
He figures with Rin's leg still being a bit sore, it wasn't as if he was going to be setting any new PBs - getting up and out of the pool to find his stopwatch (the very same he's kept with him since his first year at Samezuka, having timed to many of Rin's laps over the years) would be overkill. So Ai's content to wait at the far end of the pool and only countdown on the wall clock. ]
No one thinks that but you, senpai. [If Rin's looking, he'd see a wry if slightly tired smile. Ai counts Rin off, remembers the position of the second hand, and then watches Rin closely.]
[rin gives ai a look. internally, he's just thinking no, you just think i'm petty nonsense before he grits his teeth and kicks off the wall.
ai's right. it's no pb. it kind of sucks in fact, compared to his normal when he hears ai yell out his time. his hand aches from hitting the wall that hard. but he's not letting that put a stop in things. not his shitty time, not his mounting guilts and missteps. no, he has something to prove, he has a dream to live out and he's not letting all this shit get in the way of that]
One more.
[he spits out, taking in a quick gulp before he does it all over again. and again. he's beginning to lose count of how much he is making ai time him, barely taking a moment to recover and suck some much needed oxygen back into his lungs. but that's always been rin. this is nothing new, not from his first year at samezuka. and not from his second. always trying to outdo himself. it's what got him here in the first place. so realistically, he can keep going at this pace.
well. or until his leg screams at him to stop, and he drapes himself over the lane line near the starting block. he's panting heavily and rips his goggles and cap off, smacking them against the water with a splash]
Shit. Calling it. Least for me.
[he's content to float there for a moment, his chin half submerged on his crossed arms over the line. he looks at ai from the corner of his gaze]
[By the second attempt, Ai's climbed out of the pool. It's always been easier to track Rin's time like this. And by the third attempt, Ai's wishing he had the foresight to bring his stopwatch with him to the pool room after all. Leave it to Rin to try and climb new heights, despite their circumstances and despite his leg.
It is hard to deny the pulsating warmth in his chest. Because Rin's vigor and his passion has always bordered on contagious. For those twenty or so minutes, it'd become easy to forget how raw and upset he'd felt just minutes prior.]
That was great, Rin-senpai! Even with your leg. Just going off the room clock, you're within six seconds of your 100m free times from yesterday. That's incredible.
[Ai comes to the shell of the pool, hesitating for a moment before holding out a hand to help Rin up and over the edge. When Rin suggests they switch spots, though, the expression Ai wears is uncertain.]
I'm not sure. In this condition, I'm not going to accomplish anything good. [And I don't want to keep you if you want to leave. Much as he always vies for Rin to track his progress... For his companionship, in any way he could have it. It was a weird position to be in. More than anything, Ai wanted to get out of the pool and apologize and put this whole day behind them.
Instead, he makes the difficult and responsible choice. He didn't come here just to wallow, after all.]
... Maybe just one or two. But then I'll do drills, so don't feel like you have to wait for me.
[through the gasps, rin tilts his head up to squint at him]
The hell you mean in this condition?
[actually, scratch that. maybe he doesn't want to know the answer to that. ai sounds the way he did back in high school. though rin can't tell if that's from putting on a face, or some normal facade. either way... he tries to ignore that lifted tone, hauling himself out of the pool]
Go on. I'll time you. And I don't feel like I have to do anything, thanks.
[he tacks on, damn near spitting as he sits cross legged at the edge of the pool, shoving his cap and goggles aside. rin looks up at the clock, and back down at ai, with a raised brow]
[Ai tries to force the words to his tongue and it simply takes too long, as it seems Rin's let go of his own question. His condition was threadbare and exhausted; Ai had supposed if he tried swimming like this, he'd do a fantastic impression of Rin from yesterday afternoon without a leg to blame it on.
Thankfully, the bar was currently in hell, and Ai doesn't think Rin would hold it against him if his times were dogshit. The good thing about having spent so much of his professional time skating rock bottom is that Ai has zero fears of underperforming and being seen as a fool. Been there, done that.
It gives him an odd sense of vigor - or maybe that really was just Rin's being infectious after all - and Ai decides to at least try and do it properly. So he puts on his swim cap, his goggles, and steps onto a starting block.]
Ready.
[Waits for the seconds hand to cross the twelve indicator and dives. There is a surprising length to his dive, and true to his usual methodology, Ai's extension in the first 25m is impressive to the point of intimidating. It's about where his energy pitters out too, though; halfway toward the other wall, while his form is fine, his speed is lacking. It isn't so much holding back as trying to be mindful about the mechanics of what he's doing; it made it easier to be more present with his body, less present with his head.
He repeats this with Rin three times, and each one is nearly identical in length of time it takes him to complete a 100m round. When his hand smacks the wall for a final time, Ai tosses an elbow over the lane divider for support, catching his breath.]
Ahh, I'm out of it...
[Then he smiles, a little embarrassed, but... Weirdly vulnerable too.]
It's hard to beat the high of yesterday. Isn't it? Tomorrow I'll do better.
[A silent indicator that he was... Fine. Or going to be fine. That their entire world didn't have to be ash because Rin said it was.]
Edited (caught a word) Date: 2025-09-23 03:58 am (UTC)
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no subject
Date: 2025-09-18 03:05 am (UTC)[He had felt it back then, too. The sudden flipped switch in Rin's brain; Ai swears he can see it happen, the moment his mind flies somewhere else and an unusual darkness settles over his countenance. Wonders what he could have said, could have done to put Rin in that place. They had been just fine a minute ago. What happened?
It's the easy way to try and handle it. Assume guilt. Assume responsibility. That meant Ai could maintain a semblance of control; unfortunately, it's only going to lead him to dead ends. Once upon a time he would have considered himself and Rin mirrors of one another, intrinsically connected by words unspoken that laid their inner machinations plain between the margins. Painful self-actualization of not being good enough, never being good enough. Simply being born wrong and having to live with that, every single day. Ai's only ever pointed inwards; Rin's, sometimes, infrequently but enough for Ai to notice, points outward.
It didn't have to be like this.]
R--, [he starts, and stops, because for the first time in a while, he cannot even begin to guess at where Rin's mind has gone. Where it concerned sex, Ai figured it to be Rin outrunning the obvious. But... Ai's intuition right then says otherwise. Because the look in Rin's eyes, beyond the murky darkness, is guilt. Plain as day. Ai assumed he himself had put it there; had laid the groundwork for Rin to make mistakes. The logical thing would be to not indulge in the very thing that started it all, yet with sudden alacrity, Ai's thighs meet the cool air of his studio apartment, and the way Rin sucks at his skin there wipes Ai's mind clean-slate white.]
Rin-senpai, [comes a rattled, whispered chide. As if trying one last time to convince Rin, certainly not himself, that this wasn't necessary. If you can't see me-- but by god, it is hard to ignore the way his soft dick immediately begins to pulse to life the darker the bruises grows under Rin's voracious lips. Ai throws his head to the side, presses the side of his knuckles to his mouth, wrings his eyes shut. His hand is already half-way to Rin's head before Rin drags it the remainder of the distance into his hair; Ai needs zero coaxing to grab beautiful long strands, bucking his hips up urgently against Rin.
Sense is gone. This they had in common: falling slave to the ghost of hunger. What was one more mistake made in this apartment, anyway? Ai knows he can just pick up the pieces later, as he always does.]
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Date: 2025-09-18 11:41 pm (UTC)and rin doesn't have to listen hard to hear the way his name and that familiar title trickles from ai's lips. it's ragged, almost as though he's trying to convince rin to not do it. and if rin were someone more sane, someone with less baggage and desire to prove himself worthy? he might have listened.
but as it is he doesn't and nuzzles the side of ai's dick, already so hot and hard and-- rin makes a noise against his shaft, dragging his lips along the length. it doesn't matter. because it's something he knows he's good at. just like every other time. his stupid mouth is for more than fighting and cursing and ruining everything around him.
his tongue swirls around the base, before dragging back up and he wraps his lips around the head of ai's dick. letting it linger in the heat of his mouth for a moment, while his hand slowly begins to work the rest of him to full hardness. rin pulls his mouth back, letting his tongue lavish the tip of ai's dick again. he pulls back entirely, making a show of dragging his tongue across his mouth.
it's something. it's not everything he wants (he can't have) but it's something to settle this tension that's been boiling and simmering between them for god know's how long. rin tries to once again push those looks and questions--sousuke's especially (and the stern look)--before he continues the motions, tipping his head up into ai's grip with a soft noise]
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Date: 2025-09-18 11:53 pm (UTC)One of his legs is bent at the knee, pressed to the back of the couch; the other slides off the couch, tip of his toes digging into a rough ledge near the bottom of the couch's architecture for purchase. Already, he's bucking his hips up and off the cushion, as if he might be able to chase the sinful warmth of Rin's tongue; as if he could communicate his want, louder than he ever has before. There's nothing left to hide, after all.
Already, small patches of yellow and purple blossom around his pelvis; Ai's eyes take it all in in an instant, as Rin licks his lips, hungry. It quickly pins itself as a potent mental image to store for later; at present, it makes Ai toss his head back against the arm rest, and makes his knuckles go white in Rin's hair.
Fully hard, every ministration immediately sends dull shockwaves throughout his body. Ai was sensitive; unlike Rin, he hasn't had the wherewithal to shirk his shame and self-loathing long enough to jerk off in his shower. Not with Rin there, who unfortunately also occupied his mind at those lower moments. Fully pent up since last they erroneously came together.]
Please, [he encourages, voice already husked,] You're warm-- ah, Like that...!
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Date: 2025-09-19 07:59 pm (UTC)it makes him feel something. and that's really what he wants most of all.
he adjusts himself so ai can fuck into his mouth better, tipping towards to scrape his damn tonsils. he keeps his tongue pressed on the bottom of ai's length, letting loose a soft groan that surely vibrates up his length. the praise doing him in equally. it's stupid to be equated to things in life. good at this or that. maybe that's why haru threw such a tantrum over it their last year of school.
but equally, rin knows this is a stupid talent to have. and so he wants to use it to make himself matter somehow in the grand scheme of things. like this will fix everything somehow. or at least just give him some use in life, and fill that emptiness with something. he doesn't know anymore. he doesn't care. he just continues to put his money where his mouth is, one hand gripping ai's thigh with a bruising grip to add onto the sensations]
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Date: 2025-09-19 08:53 pm (UTC)And yet, the body was a funny, impressionable thing. And the head too full of hope to bother giving protest.
Feeling good, now was apparently more than worth his pursuit. And easily given at that; every bob of Rin's head, every subtle roll of Ai's hips up into that impossibly warm and wet heat, Ai feels the coil in his gut grow tighter, threatening to snap. It's been a long while since he's found himself so without his wits - so close to the precipice so soon.
Unlike last time, there is no precognition in Ai's mind of what this was supposed to be; no silently attempting to fill shoes Rin never asked him to fill. Ai isn't so sure what is going through Rin's head, but Ai at the very least doesn't feel an impetus to over-present. This was enough, whatever this was.]
Senpai--
[Ask him later, and he won't be proud of the way he thrusts his hips upward in a sharp buck down Rin's throat as he comes, an airy and lilted gasp on his lips as his warm spend coats the very back of Rin's tongue. Faintly, Ai holds Rin's hair tighter, neglecting him the chance to pull back-- because faintly, Ai recalls Rin likes it this way. There's a subtle tremble in his breath as his body stops pulsating; hips fall back down onto the couch, dislodged from Rin. His hand in Rin's hair goes soft, his touch unusually sentimental; his thumb brushes back and forth over the crown of his head.
Doesn't want to look down. Can't. Doesn't want the visual confirmation it's already over. He sucks in a breath, gathering his wherewithal.]
Are you...? [It's difficult to tell, whether or not Rin's grown hard. Or even has an interest? Ai feels shameful to even ask, but was famously bad at staying his tongue, and post-coital lucidity isn't helping,] Is there anything that I--?
Can I touch you, too?
no subject
Date: 2025-09-20 05:08 pm (UTC)and he dutifully takes what ai has to offer. under no pretenses over what this could transpire to be, or... rather, there's no cruelly aimed words and jeers to try to push ai into territory he clearly wasn't comfortable with. at least rin can shield himself under whatever the hell this is. all while he reaches behind ai to push his hips up, all while his head is held down to take it all in.
right. at least he's still got it. making people feel something other than lower than dirt.
rin swallows it all down, easily, eyes scrunching up as the back of his throat feels raw. but it's something, right? better than the ache that was swirling in his gut and chest. ai ventures a little deeper, touches turning lighter (that's normal, rin tries to tell himself. it's normal for people not to toss you to the dumpster after sex) but he tries not to cringe under the gentle ministrations nevertheless.
he doesn't deserve it, after all. and when rin pulls away from ai's softening cock, he knows exactly what it will entail. and ai follows the script perfectly, asking if he can touch him back. is there anything ai can do at this point? rin doesn't even feel turned on, just selfishly pursuing something that might make another feel better than he does. he bites his lip, pulling back a bit. does stress give you whiskey dick? probably. it's a bit embarrassing if anything else, and he lets his gaze fall to the floor]
I don't know if--
[i don't even know if it will do anything]
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Date: 2025-09-20 09:43 pm (UTC)[It fumbles off his lips too damn fast. Too damn insistently. As if trying to outrun the obvious, in all the same ways Rin was outrunning something, too. Because he saw Ai, but did he really? What was the point of all of this if Ai couldn't help him take the edge off? It's ten times worse if it's just me. Like he's throwing me a bone. A pittance, a distraction.
Ai needs to learn that where it concerns Rin, close to nothing is ever going to go as expected. It didn't the first year they knew each other, and it certainly won't now, where bad decision after bad decision after mistake after mistake has forced the two of them to compound into something unrecognizable.
Maybe it's easier this way, after all. Last time, Rin ran away. This time, he's shackled, and as far as Ai can tell, is begging Ai not to eat him alive.
The weight in his chest hangs so familiarly heavy, and Ai smiles in that simpering, rueful way of his. Shifts back just a little on the couch, enough to try and weasel his hands between their bodies so as to try and make himself decent again, haphazardly pulling up at his pants.]
... Ah, no. Like this, it's fine. [Flashes his eyes up at Rin just for a half-second, before ashamedly looking away.] Consider it an I-owe-you, then. Because you did me a favour. I'll feel bad if I can't somehow pay it back. [He forces that smile again, finally decent, and once again resigns himself to being stiff liquid against the arm rest.] No expiration date.
no subject
Date: 2025-09-21 02:46 am (UTC)what favor would he even ask for? something with no expiration date? it would be easy to settle into something more obvious. a sexually gratuitous favor or perhaps another dicking against the futon. it's not like it doesn't cross his mind for a moment. but...
no. he doesn't want it. not like that.
in fact, he bites his lip at the prospect. like ai owes him anything at all. he scoffs, and pulls back, leaning all his weight against his hands pressed into the couch cushions behind him]
You don't owe me anything you know. Fuck.
[it's spat out, though lacking in any real heat as rin just rolls his shoulder and neck, closing his eyes with a huff and gritted teeth]
I did it because I wanted to. Better not hear about you giving out favors just because someone blew you. I'll kick your fucking ass.
[now that sounds and feels like the old rin. he stares pointedly between them, watching ai pull up his pants wordlessly for a moment. but then, sometimes comes to him and...]
Fine. Wanna know what I want?
[rin fists the front of ai's shirt, dragging him closer, accentuating every single syllable just so ai gets it through his thick head]
Sleep this off. Get to training camp. Show the fucking world, those reporters--everyone--what the fuck you're made of.
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Date: 2025-09-21 02:59 am (UTC)[He'd continue arguing, because really, the part of him he keeps so staunchly hidden is so interconnected with greater parts of him that it neglects the opportunity for Rin to see him fully. To see how Ai so selflessly and brazenly and enthusiastically wants to be present for him, thick and thin, highs and lows. How painstakingly devoted he is to their friendship and ensuring it lasts, no matter what, because it's precious to him. How willing he is to weather Rin's moods and brash behaviours because at this point, Ai has seen it all, including the parts of Rin that can be proud and bombastic and romantic and capable, who knows how to make mistakes, apologize, and move on. How much blood, sweat, and tears he puts into reforming himself, over and over, in order to be someone he can say he's proud of, all because Rin gave him something to work toward.
Except Rin's fisting the front of his shirt, and for a second, just a second, there is a flash of panic over Ai's countenance. There and gone. Still, he listens.
How small their problems were. So much of what I do is meaningless, in the end.
Ai grabs Rin's wrist and tries to tear it off from himself.]
I never once doubted what I can do. Not on this stage. Not with you.
[If Rin's released him, Ai's trying to sit up.]
No matter the circumstances. I didn't push as hard as I did just to stumble because of petty nonsense.
[His eyes feel hot, but he swallows it all down. Rubs the back of his head as if to fluff his hair, and with it his thoughts; jumble them a little to be less linear and coherent. Ai takes a steeling breath.]
I'm still going to the pool. Come or don't.
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Date: 2025-09-21 03:45 am (UTC)[rin doesn't even know what he's talking about anymore. because isn't that an awkward thing to say? he'll kick someone's ass if ai's sleeping with someone else? handing out favors? what is he even saying?
but oh he's done it now. sowing doubt in ai? well, that's impossible actually. because apparently it's impossible to shake ai up like this. because ai is yanking rin's hand off of himself and pushing himself back up. petty nonsense? rin lets his back fall back against the armrest because he's honest to god flabbergasted with what is happening. but finally, he manages to spit back]
Sorry for being fucking, petty nonsense to you. Glad to know where I stand.
[he tears himself off the couch, and storms off to his futon, grabbing his swim bag from his corner and stuffing his goggles back inside as they threaten to slip out. he slings it over his shoulder, and tosses a glare back towards ai]
no subject
Date: 2025-09-21 03:55 am (UTC)You know that isn't what I said. [He has half a mind to stomp up to Rin and cuff him himself, but Ai has always been the bigger man between the two of them. Instead his fist goes white-knuckled at his side, nose wrinkling with his grimace, before choosing instead to let his voice carry behind him as he continues toward his bed,]
You probably wish you were petty nonsense. That'd make it ten times easier for you.
[Doesn't dignify Rin with a right? or isn't that so? because he has it on damn good authority Rin doesn't know how to handle him - barely could before, sure as shit can't now. Oscillated violently between being unable to so much as ruffle Ai's hair to sucking him off. Ai's emotions were too frayed to bother with being sensitive about it anymore; he gathers his sports bag and very nearly shoulders past Rin in his pursuit of the front door.]
no subject
Date: 2025-09-21 11:46 am (UTC)all because he tried to slip back into genuinity, spitting out how he really felt about mikhail and ai's own inner doubts about getting so far. but then again, he selfishly stumbled into another matsuoka style fumble, his words and actions pathetically not lining up all while he wallowed in self doubt and pity regarding his own place. he's exhausted, on edge and just messing up everything further for them.
but ai's comeback twists something in him. and he just stares at him, unsure if that's really what he heard come out of his mouth. he has the foresight to at least yank himself out of the way before ai shoulders him into the wall, and rin grits his teeth. his fingers are tight against the strap of his swim bag.
it's tempting to say fuck it, and not even go. he could argue his leg still hurts, but really it's the back of his throat and chest that ache more than anything. and so rin stubbornly shoves past ai outside the front door, stalking off to the path he's treaded a million times before towards the pool. he refuses to dignify ai with a response. terrified if he does no good can come of it.
then again, it already feels like they're at the lowest. would it really matter?]
no subject
Date: 2025-09-21 03:15 pm (UTC)Because Ai plays their argument over and over in his head, plays the moments leading up to it over and over. Their afternoon. Their morning. The day before. All of it, one frustratingly errant note after the other.
You probably wish you were petty nonsense. That'd make it ten times easier for you.
This, too, he plays over and over. Because even now, as his head begins to cool with the early evening air, Ai can't find it in himself to say he's wrong. So much of all of this would be so much simpler if Rin meant a little less to him. There'd be no complications around the first time they hooked up. There'd be no fanfare around the markings on their necks. There'd be no fallout. There'd be no anguish at being left alone at his lowest. There'd be no upset at not being able to reciprocate. There'd be no misstep after misstep after misstep. If Ai could do Rin the favour of only considering him petty nonsense and not holistically and singularly the most important person in his life, so much would be easier. So much may not have happened at all.
It isn't as if he meant Rin, anyway. I didn't push as hard as I did just to stumble because of petty nonsense. Ai's petty nonsense was that which he still tried to keep under tight lock and key. Funny how even now, spoken by another name, it has a way of colossally fucking things up when invoked. He'd tried to set the record straight, hold Rin accountable for willfully misinterpreting him, but. Then Ai took it just a step too far, because the depths of his hurt seem not to have limits. A near-constant swell of rejection and frustration and ineptitude. Somewhere well ahead of Rin, Ai's sniffing, rubbing furiously at his face before walking even faster-
You're my best friend, and I...
... Slowly, Ai's pace slows down. And slower still. Enough such that Rin would easily be able to close the gap.]
no subject
Date: 2025-09-22 12:36 am (UTC)not that rin isn't constantly checking over his shoulder and around them for. obvious reasons. journalist related reasons, because the last thing he needs is one of their fights becoming yet another fucking public spectacle. he's still waiting for that other shoe to drop anyways, trying to follow mikhail's advice, still twisting over ponderings in his head that might work, even though he hasn't solidified one yet...
but ai begins to slow.
and rin scowls, shifting his bag, trying to slow his pace in turn. his throat is still sore, and he can still taste ai in his mouth. and somehow...
but then he can tell the tears that are coming down. and rin overtakes ai for a moment, fingers tight on the strap of his duffel. agonizingly so, white knuckled in its intensity. he bites his lip, staring at the gym not far ahead of them. but then twists his head to look over his shoulder, and. well. he casts another glance around, nobody's around thank god.
so rin sighs and digs his heel into the pavement for a moment. all before he turns on said heel and awkwardly stands in front of ai, not quite looking at him. the words still sting. but he knows he's a hypocrite, and has said plenty of nasty shit in turn. it's well deserved. but it shouldn't be making ai so miserable either. fuck]
...maybe we should just go home.
[he bites out, his lips twisting a bit as he tries not to look at the way ai is scrubbing at his face]
Pool's not going anywhere.
[there's another offer on his tongue though. and he feels for his phone in his pocket, thumb brushing across the screen. or i can piss off and give you your space]
no subject
Date: 2025-09-22 12:45 am (UTC)How considerate, he thinks, that Rin is being. Or maybe he's so far gone to his own discontent that the idea of even swimming anymore made him feel bile in the back of his throat, too? No, Ai mentally reprimands himself, you can't do the same thing. You can't think like that. He sets his jaw, and in a matter of seconds, he's got his composure.
... Weak as it might be, but he had a point to prove. Mostly to himself.]
It's alright, [he insists, though isn't looking at Rin as he says it. He shifts weight some between his shoes, but doesn't have it in him to just... Push forward. Rin's trying, and Ai's got a cooler head now compared to when he barged out their front door, so it's the least he can do to remain present and amenable to compromise.] Practice doesn't stop just because we're a little upset. Right?
[Not that much ever comes out of forcing oneself, but. Ai forces a smile, this time more for Rin's sake than his own; his eyebrows are knit, expression half-way cut between apologetic and ashamed.] The water's bound to cool us off, anyway. We could use it right about now.
no subject
Date: 2025-09-22 01:03 am (UTC)the one where you slip a mask on, in hopes of sparing another's feelings. he's done it so many times before--continues to do it to this day. and maybe rin's expression sours for a moment. before it's wiped clean, like it was never there to begin with. and rin turns around, making his way towards the pool.
it's not like ai isn't right. he is. painfully so, just like always. they're heated up, worked over with all the happenings of the last however the fuck long. and maybe they'll be spared anymore transgressions if they can just make it into the water. his thumb brushes along the strap of his bag, tossing a look over his shoulder, making sure ai is still following behind and rin didn't just pull the biggest asshole move and ditch him somewhere]
Yup. Cool down. Got it.
[he holds the door open for ai with his shoulder (a painful little flashback to that time, his first night here. where he was joking with ai about how if he held open doors like this for miyako matsuoka, well. she would disown him surely) and rin shoves the memory aside, scuffing his shoe against the bottom of the door in irritation]
no subject
Date: 2025-09-22 01:13 am (UTC)To believe in the good; to have faith things will be alright. Patience was his virtue and endurance his vice.
He follows after Rin inside of the building, that same exact memory flashing through his head. At the time, he'd really just been friendly, though Rin's goading had erroneously made Ai think it could have been something more. Maybe the third, fourth time he held a door open for Rin or let him enter a building first, he did it with a bit more intention; Ai remembers even letting loose a quip or two. The way he remembers Rin's smile from that first day back feels like a lifetime ago, even if in reality it's been two months at most. It makes his heart throb in his chest. How could it all go so sour?
All the same he flashes Rin a thankful if slightly watery smile before making his way to the changing rooms.
At this hour, the swimming area is basically empty. All the better, Ai thinks, especially as he begins to change. He didn't want anyone to see him in this sorry state, already certain he'll be swimming subpar times. Stepping out of his pants and briefs, he catches a reflection of himself in the locker mirror; the myriad bruises Rin had left on his hips are practically fluorescing in their strength. Ai's gut churns, feeling hot in one instance, and deeply shameful in another.
He never even brushed his teeth, Ai ruminates, pulling on his jammers, He probably still has me on his tongue. And Rin's breath - minty, slightly earthy - is still so recent in his mind's olfactory that it flashes across his senses like a phantom, for a moment. All at once, he's slamming his locker shut and all but marching toward the pool. Seems he has no option but to out-swim his own thoughts at this rate.]
no subject
Date: 2025-09-22 02:51 am (UTC)rin makes it a point to change in a totally separate area than ai. at least he's spared a myriad of angry blue and black. but then again even if anyone saw ai with those, wouldn't the first assumption be good for you or some shit? isn't that what guys do? congratulate the others on their sexual endeavors or something?
rin slams his locker shut, unwilling to think about it any further. nobody was ever congratulating him. not even himself.
he can already hear sousuke chiding him--no, ripping him a new one. it's going to come up somehow. the dude is eerily intuitive, and not like either of them would be able to lie to his face if it came up. rin grits his teeth, pulling his goggles up on his head, forgoing the usual snap of the straps like he's done for years.
he's just tired. that's all it is. he can shift the blame onto that easily. he doesn't even bother waiting for ai, grabbing his towel and tossing it against a chair that remains poolside. there's nobody in the lanes either, some small saving grace as rin braces himself on the starting block. he thinks he hears wet footsteps somewhere behind him, and can only come to the conclusion that ai probably entered the pool area.
so in he dives without a word, sliding into a slow warmup of freestyle]
no subject
Date: 2025-09-22 03:03 am (UTC)Still, he has to try. One of them does.
He minds Rin in the water for a moment - always a beautiful thing, even if they're both a little charged. And even if it's only a warmup. The way Rin cuts through water is equal parts grace and power, a sight that has had Ai captivated since he was nearly single-digits old. In the water it was so much easier to shirk feelings, too; to let them leak out and fall to the current. To be free.
The calm and manufactured blue of the pool water starts to turn just a little darker; something oceanic. Suddenly Ai's yanking on his cap and goggles, willing his brain to shut up for just two seconds, and diving in.
The way he swims is placid at best, and maybe uninspired at worst. Dolphin kicks to barely give himself propulsion, moreso just-- feeling the water and ambling down the lane than he is actually swimming. Counting breaths. Cooling down.
He tells himself he can't just spend the next hour aimlessly quasi-floating, so. At the end of the 50m, Ai stands in the pool, waiting for a flash of red when Rin inevitably has to take a breath. Their normalcy is dead and gone, but. I have to try.]
When you're warmed up I can time you if you'd like, senpai.
no subject
Date: 2025-09-22 03:25 am (UTC)even if it's just the physical exertion getting worked out of him, he'll take it. happily.
he can feel the shift of the waters somewhere near him, ai swimming his heart out in turn. rin almost pushes through the 50m stupidly, stubborn determination at some ass attempt at attempting a breathless. but he's too worked up for that and breaches the water with a gasp, ripping his goggles down his neck for a moment to alleviate the pressure around his head.
ibuprofen when he gets home. got it.
he's gasping, but looks over at ai, with a raised brow. like he can't believe the olive branch he's being extended right now. because he knows he doesn't deserve it. and honestly? he isn't even sure if he wants it right now. he stares at ai for a moment longer, brows furrowing in deliberation. before he grits his teeth and pulls his goggles back over his eyes, snapping the strap on the back of his head this time]
Might as well. Have to show Phelps I'm not a pathetic nothing when I beat his fucking record.
[and off he goes again]
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Date: 2025-09-22 03:32 am (UTC)He figures with Rin's leg still being a bit sore, it wasn't as if he was going to be setting any new PBs - getting up and out of the pool to find his stopwatch (the very same he's kept with him since his first year at Samezuka, having timed to many of Rin's laps over the years) would be overkill. So Ai's content to wait at the far end of the pool and only countdown on the wall clock. ]
No one thinks that but you, senpai. [If Rin's looking, he'd see a wry if slightly tired smile. Ai counts Rin off, remembers the position of the second hand, and then watches Rin closely.]
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Date: 2025-09-22 06:47 pm (UTC)ai's right. it's no pb. it kind of sucks in fact, compared to his normal when he hears ai yell out his time. his hand aches from hitting the wall that hard. but he's not letting that put a stop in things. not his shitty time, not his mounting guilts and missteps. no, he has something to prove, he has a dream to live out and he's not letting all this shit get in the way of that]
One more.
[he spits out, taking in a quick gulp before he does it all over again. and again. he's beginning to lose count of how much he is making ai time him, barely taking a moment to recover and suck some much needed oxygen back into his lungs. but that's always been rin. this is nothing new, not from his first year at samezuka. and not from his second. always trying to outdo himself. it's what got him here in the first place. so realistically, he can keep going at this pace.
well. or until his leg screams at him to stop, and he drapes himself over the lane line near the starting block. he's panting heavily and rips his goggles and cap off, smacking them against the water with a splash]
Shit. Calling it. Least for me.
[he's content to float there for a moment, his chin half submerged on his crossed arms over the line. he looks at ai from the corner of his gaze]
...I can time you, if you need it.
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Date: 2025-09-22 07:26 pm (UTC)It is hard to deny the pulsating warmth in his chest. Because Rin's vigor and his passion has always bordered on contagious. For those twenty or so minutes, it'd become easy to forget how raw and upset he'd felt just minutes prior.]
That was great, Rin-senpai! Even with your leg. Just going off the room clock, you're within six seconds of your 100m free times from yesterday. That's incredible.
[Ai comes to the shell of the pool, hesitating for a moment before holding out a hand to help Rin up and over the edge. When Rin suggests they switch spots, though, the expression Ai wears is uncertain.]
I'm not sure. In this condition, I'm not going to accomplish anything good. [And I don't want to keep you if you want to leave. Much as he always vies for Rin to track his progress... For his companionship, in any way he could have it. It was a weird position to be in. More than anything, Ai wanted to get out of the pool and apologize and put this whole day behind them.
Instead, he makes the difficult and responsible choice. He didn't come here just to wallow, after all.]
... Maybe just one or two. But then I'll do drills, so don't feel like you have to wait for me.
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Date: 2025-09-22 11:19 pm (UTC)The hell you mean in this condition?
[actually, scratch that. maybe he doesn't want to know the answer to that. ai sounds the way he did back in high school. though rin can't tell if that's from putting on a face, or some normal facade. either way... he tries to ignore that lifted tone, hauling himself out of the pool]
Go on. I'll time you. And I don't feel like I have to do anything, thanks.
[he tacks on, damn near spitting as he sits cross legged at the edge of the pool, shoving his cap and goggles aside. rin looks up at the clock, and back down at ai, with a raised brow]
Ready, or need a minute?
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Date: 2025-09-23 01:33 am (UTC)Thankfully, the bar was currently in hell, and Ai doesn't think Rin would hold it against him if his times were dogshit. The good thing about having spent so much of his professional time skating rock bottom is that Ai has zero fears of underperforming and being seen as a fool. Been there, done that.
It gives him an odd sense of vigor - or maybe that really was just Rin's being infectious after all - and Ai decides to at least try and do it properly. So he puts on his swim cap, his goggles, and steps onto a starting block.]
Ready.
[Waits for the seconds hand to cross the twelve indicator and dives. There is a surprising length to his dive, and true to his usual methodology, Ai's extension in the first 25m is impressive to the point of intimidating. It's about where his energy pitters out too, though; halfway toward the other wall, while his form is fine, his speed is lacking. It isn't so much holding back as trying to be mindful about the mechanics of what he's doing; it made it easier to be more present with his body, less present with his head.
He repeats this with Rin three times, and each one is nearly identical in length of time it takes him to complete a 100m round. When his hand smacks the wall for a final time, Ai tosses an elbow over the lane divider for support, catching his breath.]
Ahh, I'm out of it...
[Then he smiles, a little embarrassed, but... Weirdly vulnerable too.]
It's hard to beat the high of yesterday. Isn't it? Tomorrow I'll do better.
[A silent indicator that he was... Fine. Or going to be fine. That their entire world didn't have to be ash because Rin said it was.]
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