[For once. Just once. Ai isn't interested in downplaying Rin's role in it all.
Because while he still fundamentally believes he is the original sin - having been to eager, too hopeful, too delusional at points to stop while he was ahead, to give Rin the room to make his own choices without casualties, to keep at least one person off his hit list that could come back to bite him in the ass later - Ai is still raw. All of it still hurts, gnawing at him from the inside out.
Worse than that, really, Ai is painfully aware Rin saw that photo. Ai had banked on he and Sousuke's private moment of commiserating to be exactly that until the day they died, but evidently not. Even just thinking about it again - thinking about Rin knowing, feeling guilty again - has his breath seizing in his throat and his extremities going numb from where the blood in his veins pushes so fast his skin practically vibrates from the anxiety.
So much so he's rooted in place, won't move. Can't. Grips his opposite wrist and digs his thumb into his palm.
Ai stares down at the carpet. Should Rin chance a look at his expression, despite everything, he'd see resolute conviction.]
The only people who will be angry will be management. But I think the people reading will have a different opinion entirely.
[Ai wholeheartedly believes the public would side with them, but the public isn't what pays their sponsorships. Which is why--]
... It's why I said what I said.
[Yes, that. Because he knows Rin's dream isn't meant to die here, and Ai's already hanging on by a thread. It'd be the cleanest option to hang just one of them out to dry, to send a message and clean the slate. Rin doesn't have to know Ai had been ideating on it beforehand.
... Not that he's made a decision yet either. He chews the inside of his bottom lip and then quickly adds an asterisk,]
If it comes to that.
[It makes me angry. How many people have to hurt in the pursuit of one person. How much the ground has to raze where Rin runs to chase it. Having written himself out of the picture, Ai can only watch now, and hope that Rin doesn't set fire to his career in that same pursuit, too.]
[it would be dumb not to recognize that parking garage. if there was one picture taken of him and haru then...it would be easy enough to assume the exact moment the other was. rin feels that fresh well of agony, like bile twisting in the back of his throat. nothing happened, nothing happened. not then. but he knows exactly how that picture cements things.
how it gave way to whatever ai and sousuke were feeling. rarely in rin's life that seems to be growing smaller by the second, has he felt such hot flashes of everything boiling over. if only he'd kept his cool at a different time, kept that porcelain from shattering. then maybe he wouldn't be repeating that mantra of ai's words over and over in his head. no, that's the easy way he out. dimly, he knows one thing.
he deserves to suffer. he deserves to hear those things.
rin looks over at ai, unsung tears heavy and laden in his own gaze. they've dried up for a while. maybe to spare some to ai instead. finally at the top. and everything's threatening to crash down around them...or maybe. maybe rin is being stupid. maybe ai's right. god, he always is isn't he? if he'd just listened earlier. hell, seen the signs throughout their youth...this never would have happened.
he blinks, slow. mulling over ai's words less as a punishment, and more as a stark realization. one that has his eyes wide, and him biting the inside of his lip in turn. he tastes copper, and his fingers rip into the sheets below him. no. no. that was just something he said in a moment of passion, right? ai's not actually considering...]
No.
[rin growls. it's something that's akin to true anger, something he hasn't felt in so long. all coagulated with a thousand other things he can't and won't name. rin shoots a fierce look over at ai. like he's the one responsible for ai's decision making....well. isn't he the one who's dragged him to this global stage? and all the trials and tribulations inbetween?]
The same sight. Right??
[and his voice breaks. something more pleading. like he isn't riding the high of everything from yesterday...everything from a few hours ago. and now this? he doesn't know how he hasn't split into a million pieces by now]
[He doesn't flinch, having Rin's righteous fury aimed right at him. But god, does he want to disappear. Why does Rin sound so desperate?? Ai can't bring himself to parse it. Of course they're still friends, of course they are, the idea that the end of the road was somewhere in that vending machine cove never once crossed Ai's mind, and god willing it never will. So why then does it always surprise him when Rin makes these beckons?
It isn't as though Rin hasn't tried. Maybe the mistakes have just piled too high, Ai's sentiments included. Hope burning too bright, obfuscating what should have been obvious from the start. Now it's Ai's turn to feel guilty, like a horrible friend.
Ai swallows, hard.]
If it comes to that.
[Standing his ground, because Rin would be a fool to think Ai would speak in vain. But what doesn't show - what Ai hopes doesn't show - is the reconsideration under the surface. He'd been one broken straw away from packing it all up, flying home, and leaving this entire chapter of his life behind. Rin looking at him with such scorn is the only reason Ai doesn't make the call to his uncle. Is it a good reason? It doesn't feel like it. It was one thing when he chose to swim for Rin; it was another being asked it. Ai feels incredibly selfish and disgusting for the way the thought of too little too late flits through his head...
He relents, pressing his knuckles to the middle of his forehead; finally, a crack in the strong facade he'd worn while Azuma and the others were in the room. His breath skips, as if the dams have broken, but Ai once again builds his reserves back in record time. A slow, concentrated breath in. A slow, steady breath out.]
I just. I have a lot of work ahead, is all.
[Figuring out what it all means, now. What internally is driving him forward. What his place is in Rin's life, coloured completely differently now.
But ever eager not to keep the attention on him, and perhaps eager to rub salt in the wound in the pursuit of his selflessness, Ai for a moment looks over his shoulder to the door, before finally circling to his bed and sitting down. Holds his head in the juncture of his thumb and forefinger.]
Shouldn't you make sure he's alright?
[Nanase, he means. Ai knew him to be awfully self-kept, but the way he borderline stormed out... So much is a blindspot for him, and Ai's done trying to read it. He's done his part, as far as he's concerned. Speaking of doing his part-- Ai reaches for his phone, haphazardly typing out a few texts to Sousuke.
>>Will you be alright? >>About what I said earlier, I'm sorry. >>And that photo, I'm deeply sorry.]
[he can see the crumble in ai's facade. a barely there thing. and maybe if rin were selfishly tangled up in the confines of his own head, he might have missed it. but he doesn't because for once he's actually too fixated on ai, taking every step and treading with caution it's like the effort evaporates entirely.
though rin doesn't know. or maybe he does and is just choosing to remain ignorant. how close ai was--is--to packing up anyways. maybe rin just doesn't want to believe he could be teetering so close to that. he wants to reach in and try to comfort him, pretend like everything is alright and nothing bad has ever happened. but that's a fucking lie and he can't find the truth in it. even to help his friends.
he's too scared of messing everything up all over again. and so he can only offer his words, too terrified of rekindling something or crossing a line that ai doesn't want and can't take]
You've worked harder than any of us. You know that.
[he settles on instead. though rin grits his teeth in damn near agony at the mention of haru, twisting his gaze to the side. whether it's a rekindling of that guilt he felt for what transpired in here, sacred territory or the guilt of everything last night...rin pinches the bridge of his nose, trying to even out his own breaths in turn. except fat lot of good that does, and he spits out a reply instead]
Fuck him. I don't give a shit about him.
[a lie. a lie and he knows it. maybe unconsciously trying to not further rub salt in ai's wounds. who's to say? but he doesn't care. he doesn't want to chase after haru. he stares at ai going for his phone and wrenches his gaze away. too guilty and knowing all too well who ai is texting at a time like this. rin stares over at his own phone but...looks over to haru's nightstand and his phone is there. and he has to bite down the laughter as he scrubs his face with the back of his hand. so it wouldn't matter]
...I'm sorry. I know I wasn't supposed to see that.
[that's a sight rin can put to the back of his mind. if he can ever get over the guilt. and so rin takes his phone instead and texts sousuke. i'm sorry. i'm fucking sorry and i don't deserve you and i hate myself well...him and sousuke have always had their own language. rin's slips into more frenzied emotional states is just one of them.
[Ai furrows his brow, and puts his phone down. Because he doesn't understand Rin's sudden fury at Nanase, too. His worst sin was-- what, patiently waiting for Rin to come to the half-way point? Ai's shifting to lay down, but his eyes are pinned on Rin's face.]
We both know you don't mean that.
[Ai's always been an advocate for Rin's truth, after all. For the things that could bring back his smile. It was there, in that photo. That whole day, the only time in weeks Ai had seen Rin so happy. Before his leg failed him, Ai felt Nanase had accomplished in minutes what Ai had tried to do for months... Just like first year, too.
The recollection pings in his chest like a dart through a board, so Ai does the irresponsible thing of not processing it and just shoving it aside for now. Rubs at his face, as if that might help screw his head back on straight or similar. Fat chance Rin comes down from his fury any time soon, and Ai is certain he's also swirling with guilt and anger and disappointment and fear and so so many other things. Such was their lockstep: Ai waiting stalwart, and Rin banking on that safety net.
How sick is it, then? That the one time he let himself be vulnerable, truly vulnerable - belly up and begging for clairvoyance vulnerable - it was exploited and caught on film. No, Rin wasn't supposed to see that in a million years. In much the same way Rin was never supposed to and never did see Ai crying on balconies or stairwells or rooves. Rin can try to spin it however he likes; evidently, everyone else around him knew what that conversation meant. What that forehead touch meant. Ai had banked on he and Sousuke being far away enough to commiserate in their unique shared experience. Instead--]
It's okay. I'm sorry I lied.
[About where they had gone that afternoon.
Ai doesn't get a response from Sousuke, but Rin will:
>well >youre not doing this alone so >hope you change your mind soon
Ai doesn't realize he's doing it, ghosting his fingertips over the side of his neck. Bittersweet misery floods his system, making itself known in an awry, rueful smile plastered on his lips.]
Isn't it funny? Your friend must not know how much trouble he's caused. If the world looked at me now, would they still think I was that brazen?
[The forensics had all been in plain sight, after all. His marks almost gone, but the ones on Rin's neck outstanding. Ai doesn't mean to talk about such a vulnerable and sensitive thing so suddenly, but. What else is there to lose?]
Mikhail-oyaji is likely waiting for the next mistake. So if nothing else, I should try to prove him wrong.
[he does mean that. why won't anyone fucking believe him? all throughout the years, haru has done nothing but piss him off time and time again. and when rin reacts the way he should? everyone tells him he doesn't mean it or drudges out some other long lost complicated feeling he has towards the blue eyed freak.
and ai's always somehow been at the center of that. maybe he's just angry that haru walked away for once, like rin has always done before. still, he doesn't dignify it with a response, dimly aware it might equally drudge up an entirely different mess--one they've apparently worked past. and so rin drops it. it's not worth it. not when ai has his own pains that need attention. rin's sick of his selfish attitude. and so for once he shuts up and listens. though ai gets a scoff at the lie comment. it's almost a laugh]
Doesn't bother me. Sorry you...had to see that.
[and make your own assumptions. rin's elbows dig into his thighs, as he crosses his hands to press against his forehead, and keep his head afloat. it already feels like it's swimming, sure. except he doesn't know if he has the strength to keep floating.... he blinks over at his phone, carefully brushing his thumb over the screen.
there's a ghost of a tug at the corner of his mouth. we're seeing this through to the end. dumbfuck. you're not alone either, got it? and he lets his phone fall back towards the bed. and he keeps his attention back on ai, taking it in. sharing the pain because it's all he can do now. he feels the guilt, but instead of bristle he lays down and takes it, his gaze sweeping back down towards the carpet]
Don't think he even keeps up on swimming outside of if I win something...
[...rin pauses. looking back to ai, carefully considering his words]
I think you underestimate your potential.
[and maybe rin doesn't understand the weight behind his words, or how eerily similar they carry towards someone else's. but he's always stuck to that philosophy and refuses to let it die. even now]
Fuck that crackpot too, he doesn't know what he's talking about.
[rin doesn't really know who he's trying to convince. ai or himself. even if there's a hint of affection in his words. despite his misgivings, mikhail has been the one to get him this far...even if he doesn't agree with ninety nine percent of what the freak says. especially when it comes to his nephew]
[Ai shakes his head sympathetically. It was Rin's moment to have, after all. Sousuke had been the responsible one who pulled Ai away, able to read a room. There's not much else Ai can say on the matter that's nice, so. He doesn't drag it on. He knows himself well enough to know when he's vulnerable and hurting he can sometimes be no better than Rin when in the same state, the only difference that Ai delivers his scathing remarks with a smile or the certainty of a god. Lucky for them both, he's simply too exhausted to pick that fight.
... Not that discussing matters of family is better. If Rin knew just how much hearing his own uncle call Ai a mistake had affected Ai's psyche, Ai thinks he'd have attended a funeral a few days prior instead of a training camp.
Though Rin's comment isn't lost on him. Don't crush your own potential. That's what Rin would say. Something that gave him so much strength, once upon a time. Now, it leaves Ai at a crossroads, paralyzed by his own outstanding incompetence. Did Rin see the pathetic way he swam today? Ai crosses his arms over his face.]
I don't know yet.
[If he was a mistake in Rin's life, Ai's just rectified that the night before, and the fallout will clear where he stands. If he was a mistake on the national team, then surely Azuma and Miyakawa would put him out to pasture where he belongs. And if neither of those things were true, Ai guesses Rin's asked him to stand at the top of the world, even if it's with red eyes and blubbery tears and a confused heart. All of it seems so woefully aimless right now - is this how Rin felt, returning from Australia? Landing in his dorm room? In his apartment? Ai rolls over, so Rin doesn't have to watch the way Ai's arms wrap around himself.]
I'll figure it out. I don't really have a choice, so that's as good a motivation as any.
[It's a weak attempt at humour, but. He's trying, alright? If he goes through it logically, what's the alternative? Landing back in Tokyo and begging for his shitty part-time job back? Shoring up to Shimogami and having their classmates ogle him as the slut who dropped out of the team? It feels unfair, how the only logical way to prove the whole world wrong is to be at the place that is holding his misery hostage. And unlike Rin, Ai doesn't think some blue-eyed hero is going to drop in and magically make it all seem so much brighter.
Funny. How the adoration and admiration he still feels in his chest wells up not like butterflies, but like hands creeping around his throat.]
You've done it. Sousuke-senpai beat the odds, too. So I guess it's my turn now.
[maybe in another time they'll live out a different life. one where delicates don't shatter into a thousand pieces and their hearts are spared and intact. maybe even bearing towards the other but. in this rin's made his bed, and slowly wakes up to clean the mess. piece by piece, everyday. rin was too blind to his own flaws to notice ai struggling. just took him blazing through the water as some personal strength, one he could only try to clamber towards.
nobody had anything on ai in terms of stamina. in the pool, and out. dealing with feelings or...
right. how can either of them know? of course rin isn't privy to ai's thoughts. that mistake swirling around in his head. though he knows there's something. but what? well, he doesn't know. and asking is stupid because there's a slightest chance. rin sighs and flops on his side against the bed, hair fanning out across his pillow]
Funny. Thought you were the planning guy.
[rin laughs bitterly, eyes heavy as he stares blankly at the lamp on the bedside table]
Don't think any of us would get away with 'figure it out' if the roles were switched. You'd give us an ear full.
[rin tries to play into the humor in turn. maybe he's failing miserably at it. but if ai is going to try, then rin will too. at least ai's wish comes true, and rin doesn't see the way ai wraps around himself. only because rin is doing a little of the same. existing in misery, after all...is that all this has been? all the months together? just destined to turn out like this?
and so he dares to venture. he doesn't know what the hell exists out there. tomorrow, or the next day. but historically he's been a bad friend at his best and a worst one at his lowest. so he wants to put forth the effort again. like he held the door open their first day back in one another's orbit all those months ago.
before black and blue necks.
before yelling and sobs.
...before shattered porcelain]
You'll do it.
[rin shrinks in on himself a little more, though his tone carries something wildly different than it has this entire conversation]
[He huffs, and Rin can probably hear it. It's true, Ai's head was usually tied on straight enough to give everyone else a nuisance. He left one hell of a legacy on Samezuka on account of his great discipline, after all. The very thing Rin nagged him for when they first roomed together one of his greatest assets after all.]
I think you'd all figure it out eventually.
[Because no, he doesn't value his work as a friend, but yes, right now he is struggling hard to view himself as anything other than disposable and, ideally, forgettable. Would make all of this a world of a lot easier.
Then Rin says that.
And now Ai's doubly glad he rolled over, because he cannot help the twisted, disgusting way his face grimaces around the start of water works. How such simple words have the power to build him up and break him down and do it about forty times in rapid succession. He chews harshly on the inside of his bottom lip, trying not to quiver or weep. His second attempt at taking a deep breath and exhaling a deep breath is way more shaky than the one he'd taken just minutes ago.]
I'm still human.
[And prone to breaking. And self-doubt, and deprecation, and despair. Prone to bad judgment calls and bullheadedness. Prone to giving up on a life dream because his feelings got hurt.
Rin's trust in him, his belief in him - that hurts, too. Once a motivation for Ai, a core facet of his drive, now it feels like an immense pressure he can't live up to. Feels like a countdown to an inevitable failure. Is this, too, how Rin felt when they first met?
It stirs that same place in his chest, the one that so badly craved reassurance and validation and acknowledgment, butterfly wings singed and turned to ash. The dust at the back of his throat makes him want to choke.]
[rin's not stupid. he knows his words have struck a chord. even if it's only evident by the way ai shuffles against his sheets, and maybe with a hitch of breath or two. sure he's not observant enough to pinpoint when ai's tears start, or the way he worries his lip raw. but maybe that's because with rin's back towards the room, he's in the same sort of position...too hell bent on making sure his own demeanor doesn't crack. all while he's trying to offer reassurance at the least.
being human is such a negative connotation. they're at the top of the world, and crush everything below their feet. it should be such a curated position in life, and yet they're still doomed to tread around in their own failures. and have the self recognition to stew in their miseries. sometimes for years.
though there's a slip. in rin's facade. because he's too emotional, and too weak. he never quite has been able to hold it all in before. and ai is too familiar with that isn't he? through all their years together...and a choked out sob rips through the background noise. the shame and dirty feeling of what transpired in this bed. his shame at getting them all in collective trouble somehow...something they can't even talk about until it comes to public light. well, at least beyond each other]
I always have.
[rin's voice feels so small, as he curls in on himself. there's no lie in his words. through it all, through all the trials and tribulations he's always believed ai would somehow pull through. a sniff equally escapes rin and he tries to scrub it away with his hand, grimacing a little at the water works curdling with snot on his face. gross. he hates that he's such an ugly crier. a matsuoka trait, apparently]
[He's heard Rin on the brink basically all evening, since Azuma left the room. Ai barely had time to comprehend when he'd first walked in, but if he reflects on it, it felt... Tense. Off. He still has no idea what transpired in his absence - wouldn't care to know - but if he did know, would still intuit that Rin's tumult bordered on unrelated. On something bigger, more broad.
Yet he held it together, about as well as Ai has been (so not, but hiding it where the other couldn't see it.) Suddenly hearing a sob rip from across the room has Ai's eyebrows furrowing, and he's immediately sitting up on one elbow, opposite hand pressing knuckles to his eyes to try and clean up the more enthusiastic tears that had managed to spill from his ducts.]
Senpai?
[Is it because Ai doesn't know how to respond to that? Maybe. For a declaration of Rin's belief and certainty placed in him to come after a night like last night feels like two wholly opposite ends of Ai are doing war in his system. But it's what Rin says after that leaves Ai openly staring at the expanse of Rin's back, where he's turned away.
A familiar feeling and word flits through his head: useless. Sitting here, shell-shocked into silence because he can't handle an iota of badly timed reassurance. More than that, cannot handle the implication that friendship and compassion were sore and sorry things. But Ai understands what Rin means: to stand on top of the world means to move beyond the threshold of a human. It means to curate one's abilities and psyche to mimic that of the titan. Something neither Rin nor Ai have been particularly good at historically.
... Between his loaded thoughts, something finally clicks. Between Rin's near-nudity and the weight he's been hiking on his shoulders seemingly since Ai returned to the room.
Ai tells himself he doesn't care.
He gets up off the bed, and goes to the small mini-fridge in the room. Extracts a bottle of water. Then to the desk just beside, and grabs the box of tissues. Quietly walks between Nanase and Rin's bed, enough to gently press the cool bottle to Rin's shoulder to alert him it's there, before placing it and the tissues on the nightstand. Ai doesn't immediately abscond back to his bed...]
Not "just." Also.
[Ai looks down at the carpet, before doing the thing he's best at: prioritizing others to offset having to deal with his own bullshit. Thinks back to that very first night they shared when Rin landed in his apartment, before everything shattered.]
[if only he knew. ai's true feelings. that he was so utterly useless, and a myriad of other probably similar self deprecating things. rin sucks in a breath, trying to choke down laughter at ai's kindness radiating again. like a damn beacon in a storm. he's always, always coveting rin somehow, even in small actions like this.
maybe there's still the edge of a chuckle in his tone, as he gently takes the offered goods, the cool on his shoulder a reassuring thing. just like always]
You're too good at that.
[kindness. being kind. doing things like that. rin doesn't deserve it. and while he rolls the water bottle between his fingertips, he thinks towards the same night. where he reacted to similar actions with the cruelest thing imaginable]
...I'm fine.
[it doesn't sound like a lie. rin himself believes it. or maybe he's just banking on he has to be okay. there's no other way around it right? no. he believes it. he has to face the consequences of his actions. and so rin turns to set ai with a hard stare of his own, one brow slightly raised]
What happens when too-close quarters and their temporary necessity disappear? What happens when Rin inevitably leaves for another foreign country? What happens when Ai globetrots somewhere else to rewrite his hurt? What happens when training is behind them and the dust is outside the closed door and it is nothing but them and their feelings and a world of choice ahead of them?
Ai realizes the answer hasn't ever really changed, its goalpost just moved. There was never a reality where the fragments of peace he's known over the past few months, this small fragment of peace now where Rin is looking him in the eye and questioning him sincerely, could last for long. Fragments aren't enough. There are people and dreams Rin looks toward to supply more than fragments, and Ai--
Has to figure that out, he guesses. After is terrifying. After is rewriting the entirety of his reality from the ground-up. It is questioning what dream he even has left, and next to whom he's standing to chase it. If chasing it at all merits any value anymore.
Rin's response seemed as honest as it could be, and so Ai owes him the same in turn. And what with the way Rin's nearly glowering into him, it's pretty impossible to miss the rueful bend of his eyebrows, and the almost resigned, yet fearful shrug of his shoulders.]
I don't know.
[But he knows that isn't a helpful answer. He's also cognizant not to ladle Rin with any more guilt. So he just-- holds that gaze. Lets Rin for a moment peer into those uncertain, unfocused, confused blue eyes. And his lips, for a split second, uptick with a genuine want for reassurance, before flatlining again.]
Well, I will be eventually. I just don't know what that looks like, yet.
[Ai turns, facing his bed. But not before gesturing some to the water bottle and alleviating Rin's first remark,]
That much is normal,
[-- before somewhat tepidly crawling back under his covers.]
[rin's not thinking of his after, his future. he's thinking of the ones of all those around him. the ones he's trashed and the ones he hasn't yet. his own future is so far from his mind, it's not even a blip on his radar. all the possibilities boil down to the agonizing unease amongst their group.
he takes a drink of the water bottle, finally breaking his gaze from ai's. he can hear that doubt, can almost taste it in how raw it permeates the air. he keeps ai's gaze steady through the corners of his own, suspicion and unease welling in his eyes. right. that's a stark reality to face isn't it?
...what does that look like? what future will happen after this awkward stint in a different country? rin's no fool. there will be friendlies in other countries, training camps back home and abroad. competition season soon underway and...all of a sudden, ai's apartment looks like some distant memory. a stranger he can barely discern through the crowd. it's barley been any time at all since they left, and yet]
Ai...
[but he pauses, sighing as he watches ai crawl back under his covers. and finally he jerks his gaze towards the side. he takes another pointed swig of the water, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand in the process. no, he wants to stop being selfish. he won't keep him up any longer. it's obvious ai was already just looking to crawl into bed when he got here...
and so, rin lays back down and stares blankly at the ceiling. not quite able to ignore the sounds that sound so far away of ai shifting every now and again under the covers. willing himself to disassociate back to sleep]
[He fights the urge to say I'm sorry. Fights the urge to start one of their spirals. Because the way Rin calls his name is so profoundly agonizing that Ai's very first instinct is to try and assuage. It helps that he still truly believes at the center of all these missteps is himself. If only he'd been a better friend, better able to support Rin. A stronger man, able to convincingly say no to his desire. A better athlete, seeded into a different team. A better person, knowing the dangers of falling for your friend. So what could Rin possibly say that Ai doesn't have a handmade rebuttle for?
It isn't that he ignores him, except-- for once, it kind of is. Because sat right next to the apprehension of guilt is the tiredness from all the fighting. Last night basically wrecked him, and he still hasn't recovered from the emotional lows of it-- let alone the days, weeks, months prior of. Everything.
... Yet he shifts. And tosses, and turns. In the same predicament as last night, painfully aware he's too wound up and anxious to let himself fade into slumber. And that one syllable of Rin's hand-hewn nickname for him hangs pitifully at the forefront of his consciousness. It is barely even five minutes before he tentatively rolls back over, facing Rin's bed.
...
Seemingly has to work up the wherewithal, but... After a few beats of silence, a quiet voice comes.]
We're still friends. [Right? The unasked question will remain unbid in his mind only.] And I'm still me. So... If it's you, nothing's really different. Senpai, you don't have to worry.
[He can only guess why Rin had beckoned him, and so his reassurances are almost trite. But he himself needs to hear them, too. Rin isn't the team. Rin never was or is his lover. All of the don't know what it looks like yets are solidly just the panes through which Ai views the world, not its contents.]
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Date: 2026-03-09 03:05 am (UTC)Because while he still fundamentally believes he is the original sin - having been to eager, too hopeful, too delusional at points to stop while he was ahead, to give Rin the room to make his own choices without casualties, to keep at least one person off his hit list that could come back to bite him in the ass later - Ai is still raw. All of it still hurts, gnawing at him from the inside out.
Worse than that, really, Ai is painfully aware Rin saw that photo. Ai had banked on he and Sousuke's private moment of commiserating to be exactly that until the day they died, but evidently not. Even just thinking about it again - thinking about Rin knowing, feeling guilty again - has his breath seizing in his throat and his extremities going numb from where the blood in his veins pushes so fast his skin practically vibrates from the anxiety.
So much so he's rooted in place, won't move. Can't. Grips his opposite wrist and digs his thumb into his palm.
Ai stares down at the carpet. Should Rin chance a look at his expression, despite everything, he'd see resolute conviction.]
The only people who will be angry will be management. But I think the people reading will have a different opinion entirely.
[Ai wholeheartedly believes the public would side with them, but the public isn't what pays their sponsorships. Which is why--]
... It's why I said what I said.
[Yes, that. Because he knows Rin's dream isn't meant to die here, and Ai's already hanging on by a thread. It'd be the cleanest option to hang just one of them out to dry, to send a message and clean the slate. Rin doesn't have to know Ai had been ideating on it beforehand.
... Not that he's made a decision yet either. He chews the inside of his bottom lip and then quickly adds an asterisk,]
If it comes to that.
[It makes me angry. How many people have to hurt in the pursuit of one person. How much the ground has to raze where Rin runs to chase it. Having written himself out of the picture, Ai can only watch now, and hope that Rin doesn't set fire to his career in that same pursuit, too.]
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Date: 2026-03-10 01:02 am (UTC)how it gave way to whatever ai and sousuke were feeling. rarely in rin's life that seems to be growing smaller by the second, has he felt such hot flashes of everything boiling over. if only he'd kept his cool at a different time, kept that porcelain from shattering. then maybe he wouldn't be repeating that mantra of ai's words over and over in his head. no, that's the easy way he out. dimly, he knows one thing.
he deserves to suffer. he deserves to hear those things.
rin looks over at ai, unsung tears heavy and laden in his own gaze. they've dried up for a while. maybe to spare some to ai instead. finally at the top. and everything's threatening to crash down around them...or maybe. maybe rin is being stupid. maybe ai's right. god, he always is isn't he? if he'd just listened earlier. hell, seen the signs throughout their youth...this never would have happened.
he blinks, slow. mulling over ai's words less as a punishment, and more as a stark realization. one that has his eyes wide, and him biting the inside of his lip in turn. he tastes copper, and his fingers rip into the sheets below him. no. no. that was just something he said in a moment of passion, right? ai's not actually considering...]
No.
[rin growls. it's something that's akin to true anger, something he hasn't felt in so long. all coagulated with a thousand other things he can't and won't name. rin shoots a fierce look over at ai. like he's the one responsible for ai's decision making....well. isn't he the one who's dragged him to this global stage? and all the trials and tribulations inbetween?]
The same sight. Right??
[and his voice breaks. something more pleading. like he isn't riding the high of everything from yesterday...everything from a few hours ago. and now this? he doesn't know how he hasn't split into a million pieces by now]
...that's what we're supposed to do. Together.
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Date: 2026-03-10 01:20 am (UTC)It isn't as though Rin hasn't tried. Maybe the mistakes have just piled too high, Ai's sentiments included. Hope burning too bright, obfuscating what should have been obvious from the start. Now it's Ai's turn to feel guilty, like a horrible friend.
Ai swallows, hard.]
If it comes to that.
[Standing his ground, because Rin would be a fool to think Ai would speak in vain. But what doesn't show - what Ai hopes doesn't show - is the reconsideration under the surface. He'd been one broken straw away from packing it all up, flying home, and leaving this entire chapter of his life behind. Rin looking at him with such scorn is the only reason Ai doesn't make the call to his uncle. Is it a good reason? It doesn't feel like it. It was one thing when he chose to swim for Rin; it was another being asked it. Ai feels incredibly selfish and disgusting for the way the thought of too little too late flits through his head...
He relents, pressing his knuckles to the middle of his forehead; finally, a crack in the strong facade he'd worn while Azuma and the others were in the room. His breath skips, as if the dams have broken, but Ai once again builds his reserves back in record time. A slow, concentrated breath in. A slow, steady breath out.]
I just. I have a lot of work ahead, is all.
[Figuring out what it all means, now. What internally is driving him forward. What his place is in Rin's life, coloured completely differently now.
But ever eager not to keep the attention on him, and perhaps eager to rub salt in the wound in the pursuit of his selflessness, Ai for a moment looks over his shoulder to the door, before finally circling to his bed and sitting down. Holds his head in the juncture of his thumb and forefinger.]
Shouldn't you make sure he's alright?
[Nanase, he means. Ai knew him to be awfully self-kept, but the way he borderline stormed out... So much is a blindspot for him, and Ai's done trying to read it. He's done his part, as far as he's concerned. Speaking of doing his part-- Ai reaches for his phone, haphazardly typing out a few texts to Sousuke.
>>Will you be alright?
>>About what I said earlier, I'm sorry.
>>And that photo, I'm deeply sorry.]
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Date: 2026-03-10 01:31 am (UTC)though rin doesn't know. or maybe he does and is just choosing to remain ignorant. how close ai was--is--to packing up anyways. maybe rin just doesn't want to believe he could be teetering so close to that. he wants to reach in and try to comfort him, pretend like everything is alright and nothing bad has ever happened. but that's a fucking lie and he can't find the truth in it. even to help his friends.
he's too scared of messing everything up all over again. and so he can only offer his words, too terrified of rekindling something or crossing a line that ai doesn't want and can't take]
You've worked harder than any of us. You know that.
[he settles on instead. though rin grits his teeth in damn near agony at the mention of haru, twisting his gaze to the side. whether it's a rekindling of that guilt he felt for what transpired in here, sacred territory or the guilt of everything last night...rin pinches the bridge of his nose, trying to even out his own breaths in turn. except fat lot of good that does, and he spits out a reply instead]
Fuck him. I don't give a shit about him.
[a lie. a lie and he knows it. maybe unconsciously trying to not further rub salt in ai's wounds. who's to say? but he doesn't care. he doesn't want to chase after haru. he stares at ai going for his phone and wrenches his gaze away. too guilty and knowing all too well who ai is texting at a time like this. rin stares over at his own phone but...looks over to haru's nightstand and his phone is there. and he has to bite down the laughter as he scrubs his face with the back of his hand. so it wouldn't matter]
...I'm sorry. I know I wasn't supposed to see that.
[that's a sight rin can put to the back of his mind. if he can ever get over the guilt. and so rin takes his phone instead and texts sousuke. i'm sorry. i'm fucking sorry and i don't deserve you and i hate myself well...him and sousuke have always had their own language. rin's slips into more frenzied emotional states is just one of them.
maybe. hopefully. they'll get past this one too]
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Date: 2026-03-10 01:48 am (UTC)We both know you don't mean that.
[Ai's always been an advocate for Rin's truth, after all. For the things that could bring back his smile. It was there, in that photo. That whole day, the only time in weeks Ai had seen Rin so happy. Before his leg failed him, Ai felt Nanase had accomplished in minutes what Ai had tried to do for months... Just like first year, too.
The recollection pings in his chest like a dart through a board, so Ai does the irresponsible thing of not processing it and just shoving it aside for now. Rubs at his face, as if that might help screw his head back on straight or similar. Fat chance Rin comes down from his fury any time soon, and Ai is certain he's also swirling with guilt and anger and disappointment and fear and so so many other things. Such was their lockstep: Ai waiting stalwart, and Rin banking on that safety net.
How sick is it, then? That the one time he let himself be vulnerable, truly vulnerable - belly up and begging for clairvoyance vulnerable - it was exploited and caught on film. No, Rin wasn't supposed to see that in a million years. In much the same way Rin was never supposed to and never did see Ai crying on balconies or stairwells or rooves. Rin can try to spin it however he likes; evidently, everyone else around him knew what that conversation meant. What that forehead touch meant. Ai had banked on he and Sousuke being far away enough to commiserate in their unique shared experience. Instead--]
It's okay. I'm sorry I lied.
[About where they had gone that afternoon.
Ai doesn't get a response from Sousuke, but Rin will:
>well
>youre not doing this alone so
>hope you change your mind soon
Ai doesn't realize he's doing it, ghosting his fingertips over the side of his neck. Bittersweet misery floods his system, making itself known in an awry, rueful smile plastered on his lips.]
Isn't it funny? Your friend must not know how much trouble he's caused. If the world looked at me now, would they still think I was that brazen?
[The forensics had all been in plain sight, after all. His marks almost gone, but the ones on Rin's neck outstanding. Ai doesn't mean to talk about such a vulnerable and sensitive thing so suddenly, but. What else is there to lose?]
Mikhail-oyaji is likely waiting for the next mistake. So if nothing else, I should try to prove him wrong.
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Date: 2026-03-10 02:24 am (UTC)and ai's always somehow been at the center of that. maybe he's just angry that haru walked away for once, like rin has always done before. still, he doesn't dignify it with a response, dimly aware it might equally drudge up an entirely different mess--one they've apparently worked past. and so rin drops it. it's not worth it. not when ai has his own pains that need attention. rin's sick of his selfish attitude. and so for once he shuts up and listens. though ai gets a scoff at the lie comment. it's almost a laugh]
Doesn't bother me. Sorry you...had to see that.
[and make your own assumptions. rin's elbows dig into his thighs, as he crosses his hands to press against his forehead, and keep his head afloat. it already feels like it's swimming, sure. except he doesn't know if he has the strength to keep floating.... he blinks over at his phone, carefully brushing his thumb over the screen.
there's a ghost of a tug at the corner of his mouth. we're seeing this through to the end. dumbfuck. you're not alone either, got it? and he lets his phone fall back towards the bed. and he keeps his attention back on ai, taking it in. sharing the pain because it's all he can do now. he feels the guilt, but instead of bristle he lays down and takes it, his gaze sweeping back down towards the carpet]
Don't think he even keeps up on swimming outside of if I win something...
[...rin pauses. looking back to ai, carefully considering his words]
I think you underestimate your potential.
[and maybe rin doesn't understand the weight behind his words, or how eerily similar they carry towards someone else's. but he's always stuck to that philosophy and refuses to let it die. even now]
Fuck that crackpot too, he doesn't know what he's talking about.
[rin doesn't really know who he's trying to convince. ai or himself. even if there's a hint of affection in his words. despite his misgivings, mikhail has been the one to get him this far...even if he doesn't agree with ninety nine percent of what the freak says. especially when it comes to his nephew]
...how are you going to do that?
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Date: 2026-03-10 02:41 am (UTC)... Not that discussing matters of family is better. If Rin knew just how much hearing his own uncle call Ai a mistake had affected Ai's psyche, Ai thinks he'd have attended a funeral a few days prior instead of a training camp.
Though Rin's comment isn't lost on him. Don't crush your own potential. That's what Rin would say. Something that gave him so much strength, once upon a time. Now, it leaves Ai at a crossroads, paralyzed by his own outstanding incompetence. Did Rin see the pathetic way he swam today? Ai crosses his arms over his face.]
I don't know yet.
[If he was a mistake in Rin's life, Ai's just rectified that the night before, and the fallout will clear where he stands. If he was a mistake on the national team, then surely Azuma and Miyakawa would put him out to pasture where he belongs. And if neither of those things were true, Ai guesses Rin's asked him to stand at the top of the world, even if it's with red eyes and blubbery tears and a confused heart. All of it seems so woefully aimless right now - is this how Rin felt, returning from Australia? Landing in his dorm room? In his apartment? Ai rolls over, so Rin doesn't have to watch the way Ai's arms wrap around himself.]
I'll figure it out. I don't really have a choice, so that's as good a motivation as any.
[It's a weak attempt at humour, but. He's trying, alright? If he goes through it logically, what's the alternative? Landing back in Tokyo and begging for his shitty part-time job back? Shoring up to Shimogami and having their classmates ogle him as the slut who dropped out of the team? It feels unfair, how the only logical way to prove the whole world wrong is to be at the place that is holding his misery hostage. And unlike Rin, Ai doesn't think some blue-eyed hero is going to drop in and magically make it all seem so much brighter.
Funny. How the adoration and admiration he still feels in his chest wells up not like butterflies, but like hands creeping around his throat.]
You've done it. Sousuke-senpai beat the odds, too. So I guess it's my turn now.
no subject
Date: 2026-03-10 03:18 am (UTC)nobody had anything on ai in terms of stamina. in the pool, and out. dealing with feelings or...
right. how can either of them know? of course rin isn't privy to ai's thoughts. that mistake swirling around in his head. though he knows there's something. but what? well, he doesn't know. and asking is stupid because there's a slightest chance. rin sighs and flops on his side against the bed, hair fanning out across his pillow]
Funny. Thought you were the planning guy.
[rin laughs bitterly, eyes heavy as he stares blankly at the lamp on the bedside table]
Don't think any of us would get away with 'figure it out' if the roles were switched. You'd give us an ear full.
[rin tries to play into the humor in turn. maybe he's failing miserably at it. but if ai is going to try, then rin will too. at least ai's wish comes true, and rin doesn't see the way ai wraps around himself. only because rin is doing a little of the same. existing in misery, after all...is that all this has been? all the months together? just destined to turn out like this?
and so he dares to venture. he doesn't know what the hell exists out there. tomorrow, or the next day. but historically he's been a bad friend at his best and a worst one at his lowest. so he wants to put forth the effort again. like he held the door open their first day back in one another's orbit all those months ago.
before black and blue necks.
before yelling and sobs.
...before shattered porcelain]
You'll do it.
[rin shrinks in on himself a little more, though his tone carries something wildly different than it has this entire conversation]
...how could you not? You're you.
no subject
Date: 2026-03-10 03:35 am (UTC)I think you'd all figure it out eventually.
[Because no, he doesn't value his work as a friend, but yes, right now he is struggling hard to view himself as anything other than disposable and, ideally, forgettable. Would make all of this a world of a lot easier.
Then Rin says that.
And now Ai's doubly glad he rolled over, because he cannot help the twisted, disgusting way his face grimaces around the start of water works. How such simple words have the power to build him up and break him down and do it about forty times in rapid succession. He chews harshly on the inside of his bottom lip, trying not to quiver or weep. His second attempt at taking a deep breath and exhaling a deep breath is way more shaky than the one he'd taken just minutes ago.]
I'm still human.
[And prone to breaking. And self-doubt, and deprecation, and despair. Prone to bad judgment calls and bullheadedness. Prone to giving up on a life dream because his feelings got hurt.
Rin's trust in him, his belief in him - that hurts, too. Once a motivation for Ai, a core facet of his drive, now it feels like an immense pressure he can't live up to. Feels like a countdown to an inevitable failure. Is this, too, how Rin felt when they first met?
It stirs that same place in his chest, the one that so badly craved reassurance and validation and acknowledgment, butterfly wings singed and turned to ash. The dust at the back of his throat makes him want to choke.]
... Thank you. For still believing in me.
no subject
Date: 2026-03-10 03:45 am (UTC)being human is such a negative connotation. they're at the top of the world, and crush everything below their feet. it should be such a curated position in life, and yet they're still doomed to tread around in their own failures. and have the self recognition to stew in their miseries. sometimes for years.
though there's a slip. in rin's facade. because he's too emotional, and too weak. he never quite has been able to hold it all in before. and ai is too familiar with that isn't he? through all their years together...and a choked out sob rips through the background noise. the shame and dirty feeling of what transpired in this bed. his shame at getting them all in collective trouble somehow...something they can't even talk about until it comes to public light. well, at least beyond each other]
I always have.
[rin's voice feels so small, as he curls in on himself. there's no lie in his words. through it all, through all the trials and tribulations he's always believed ai would somehow pull through. a sniff equally escapes rin and he tries to scrub it away with his hand, grimacing a little at the water works curdling with snot on his face. gross. he hates that he's such an ugly crier. a matsuoka trait, apparently]
I'm just human, after all.
no subject
Date: 2026-03-10 04:04 am (UTC)Yet he held it together, about as well as Ai has been (so not, but hiding it where the other couldn't see it.) Suddenly hearing a sob rip from across the room has Ai's eyebrows furrowing, and he's immediately sitting up on one elbow, opposite hand pressing knuckles to his eyes to try and clean up the more enthusiastic tears that had managed to spill from his ducts.]
Senpai?
[Is it because Ai doesn't know how to respond to that? Maybe. For a declaration of Rin's belief and certainty placed in him to come after a night like last night feels like two wholly opposite ends of Ai are doing war in his system. But it's what Rin says after that leaves Ai openly staring at the expanse of Rin's back, where he's turned away.
A familiar feeling and word flits through his head: useless. Sitting here, shell-shocked into silence because he can't handle an iota of badly timed reassurance. More than that, cannot handle the implication that friendship and compassion were sore and sorry things. But Ai understands what Rin means: to stand on top of the world means to move beyond the threshold of a human. It means to curate one's abilities and psyche to mimic that of the titan. Something neither Rin nor Ai have been particularly good at historically.
... Between his loaded thoughts, something finally clicks. Between Rin's near-nudity and the weight he's been hiking on his shoulders seemingly since Ai returned to the room.
Ai tells himself he doesn't care.
He gets up off the bed, and goes to the small mini-fridge in the room. Extracts a bottle of water. Then to the desk just beside, and grabs the box of tissues. Quietly walks between Nanase and Rin's bed, enough to gently press the cool bottle to Rin's shoulder to alert him it's there, before placing it and the tissues on the nightstand. Ai doesn't immediately abscond back to his bed...]
Not "just." Also.
[Ai looks down at the carpet, before doing the thing he's best at: prioritizing others to offset having to deal with his own bullshit. Thinks back to that very first night they shared when Rin landed in his apartment, before everything shattered.]
Rin-senpai, are you sure you'll be okay?
no subject
Date: 2026-03-15 12:55 am (UTC)maybe there's still the edge of a chuckle in his tone, as he gently takes the offered goods, the cool on his shoulder a reassuring thing. just like always]
You're too good at that.
[kindness. being kind. doing things like that. rin doesn't deserve it. and while he rolls the water bottle between his fingertips, he thinks towards the same night. where he reacted to similar actions with the cruelest thing imaginable]
...I'm fine.
[it doesn't sound like a lie. rin himself believes it. or maybe he's just banking on he has to be okay. there's no other way around it right? no. he believes it. he has to face the consequences of his actions. and so rin turns to set ai with a hard stare of his own, one brow slightly raised]
Are you going to be okay?
no subject
Date: 2026-03-15 01:16 am (UTC)What happens when too-close quarters and their temporary necessity disappear? What happens when Rin inevitably leaves for another foreign country? What happens when Ai globetrots somewhere else to rewrite his hurt? What happens when training is behind them and the dust is outside the closed door and it is nothing but them and their feelings and a world of choice ahead of them?
Ai realizes the answer hasn't ever really changed, its goalpost just moved. There was never a reality where the fragments of peace he's known over the past few months, this small fragment of peace now where Rin is looking him in the eye and questioning him sincerely, could last for long. Fragments aren't enough. There are people and dreams Rin looks toward to supply more than fragments, and Ai--
Has to figure that out, he guesses. After is terrifying. After is rewriting the entirety of his reality from the ground-up. It is questioning what dream he even has left, and next to whom he's standing to chase it. If chasing it at all merits any value anymore.
Rin's response seemed as honest as it could be, and so Ai owes him the same in turn. And what with the way Rin's nearly glowering into him, it's pretty impossible to miss the rueful bend of his eyebrows, and the almost resigned, yet fearful shrug of his shoulders.]
I don't know.
[But he knows that isn't a helpful answer. He's also cognizant not to ladle Rin with any more guilt. So he just-- holds that gaze. Lets Rin for a moment peer into those uncertain, unfocused, confused blue eyes. And his lips, for a split second, uptick with a genuine want for reassurance, before flatlining again.]
Well, I will be eventually. I just don't know what that looks like, yet.
[Ai turns, facing his bed. But not before gesturing some to the water bottle and alleviating Rin's first remark,]
That much is normal,
[-- before somewhat tepidly crawling back under his covers.]
no subject
Date: 2026-03-15 01:36 am (UTC)yet. his own future is so far from his mind, it's not even a blip on his radar. all the possibilities boil down to the agonizing unease amongst their group.he takes a drink of the water bottle, finally breaking his gaze from ai's. he can hear that doubt, can almost taste it in how raw it permeates the air. he keeps ai's gaze steady through the corners of his own, suspicion and unease welling in his eyes. right. that's a stark reality to face isn't it?
...what does that look like? what future will happen after this awkward stint in a different country? rin's no fool. there will be friendlies in other countries, training camps back home and abroad. competition season soon underway and...all of a sudden, ai's apartment looks like some distant memory. a stranger he can barely discern through the crowd. it's barley been any time at all since they left, and yet]
Ai...
[but he pauses, sighing as he watches ai crawl back under his covers. and finally he jerks his gaze towards the side. he takes another pointed swig of the water, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand in the process. no, he wants to stop being selfish. he won't keep him up any longer. it's obvious ai was already just looking to crawl into bed when he got here...
and so, rin lays back down and stares blankly at the ceiling. not quite able to ignore the sounds that sound so far away of ai shifting every now and again under the covers. willing himself to disassociate back to sleep]
no subject
Date: 2026-03-15 01:50 am (UTC)It isn't that he ignores him, except-- for once, it kind of is. Because sat right next to the apprehension of guilt is the tiredness from all the fighting. Last night basically wrecked him, and he still hasn't recovered from the emotional lows of it-- let alone the days, weeks, months prior of. Everything.
... Yet he shifts. And tosses, and turns. In the same predicament as last night, painfully aware he's too wound up and anxious to let himself fade into slumber. And that one syllable of Rin's hand-hewn nickname for him hangs pitifully at the forefront of his consciousness. It is barely even five minutes before he tentatively rolls back over, facing Rin's bed.
...
Seemingly has to work up the wherewithal, but... After a few beats of silence, a quiet voice comes.]
We're still friends. [Right? The unasked question will remain unbid in his mind only.] And I'm still me. So... If it's you, nothing's really different. Senpai, you don't have to worry.
[He can only guess why Rin had beckoned him, and so his reassurances are almost trite. But he himself needs to hear them, too. Rin isn't the team. Rin never was or is his lover. All of the don't know what it looks like yets are solidly just the panes through which Ai views the world, not its contents.]