for @buttterfly - post-tfln

[taeru]

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[buttterfly]

Rin stays behind with Ikuya and Haru. The banter between the three of them is equally fulfilling and refreshing, as the car ride over had been. Different people, different teams, different relationships. But all of them serve their purpose in Rin's life. He wishes now he hadn't locked himself away for so long, turned into a fucking recluse after him and Haru ended--well, whatever they had. But it's not so bad now.

But would him and Ai have grown so close without that distance? Maybe.. but then, he thinks with a sinking feeling that maybe things wouldn't have been so damn awkward and aggressive that night. Rin tries to swallow down the thought, focusing on chiding Ikuya instead for what looks like a sloppy flexor. Haru rolls his eyes at them, while they finish up before their heat.

All the while Sousuke follows Ai out to the warm-up area, taking in the competition around them. The best from around the country, all there in support of one another, vying for the top spot on the olympic team. Rin was right. Athens is so close.

They find a spot near one of the pillars, and Sousuke kneels down, stretching out a quick t-spine before he focuses back on Ai. "Are you doing okay?" It's an obvious question now that they're out of earshot of a certain loudmouth.

[taeru]

The air in the warm-up room is electric, everyone's collective nervous, excited energy culminating into a near-tangible shock. It's a feeling Ai - and he's sure many of he and Rin's friends - lives for. Competition is no good if you're alone, after all.

He casts one final glance in Rin's direction before checking the large clock on the wall; they weren't exactly pressed for time, but if he and Sousuke wanted to observe Rin's heat, they couldn't dally either. In front of Sousuke, Ai lowers down onto the floor, feet square and level and arms flat at his sides.

Ai lifts his torso up just long enough to look at Sousuke with an uncertain expression before lowering back down onto the workout mats.

"I'll be alright." And really, now is not the time for it, but Sousuke's opened the floor, so while his knees dip from one side of his body to the other--

"Are you? After last week..."

[buttterfly]

Ikuya says it first. And Rin nearly faceplants against the floor as he reaches out for the point of his foot in a curling arch. Ikuya just looks at him, at Haru and then back at Rin.

"Someone's been having fun."

Rin's face fucking lights up, and he hides his face between his legs in a way that doesn't at all look comfortable. Haru doesn't react, except maybe a noticeable twitch of his lip. Ikuya and Rin don't notice, but Ikuya does toss a little smirk towards Haru who promptly looks away. Rin wants to crawl under a rock and die.

Because there is that real little ramification popping up in the back of his head. What if people did know? Everyone always just assumed with Haru... but with Ai? Would people say Rin was taking advantage? He fucking was. Of that whole situation, but.

--

Sousuke shrugs, focusing on his own stretches instead. Leg crossover first... he pauses. Is there really a right answer to that?

He awkwardly pulls his arms up, stretching behind his head to pop his neck to the side and keep a pressure on his shoulders. Letting the muscles breathe in a way. Damn, Makoto really was a genius at all of this. He was able to help figure out all the right strokes, stretches, everything, to start getting back into form.

But Ai's question sinks in him. He sighs.

"Mmm. Yeah. I wasn't the one who ran out." It was true. But he would have left if he had known Rin would run away and vanish for days on end. He gives Ai a look in return, one that says it all.

"Can I trust that Rin really told me what happened?"

[taeru]

It would be a difficult enough conversation to have under normal circumstances, but doubly so when the both of them are contorting this way and that. Ai really is trying to focus on his body's condition, making sure his muscles feel up to the grueling task he is going to ask of them today, but.

The conversation has started, and he owes it to Sousuke to be fully transparent. Ai trusts him; trusts he won't get upset. More importantly, trusts that it won't impact his performance.

Finishing his set, Ai shifts. Sits up and splays his legs almost in a perfect T out at his sides, rolling his chest down to the floor, and holding that position for eight seconds before rolling back up. Hold. Repeat. He realizes he's stalling, and sighs.

"It's hard to say for sure without knowing what exactly Rin-senpai said to you." Ai meets Sousuke's gaze, zero pretense and nothing but an earnest disposition. "I just don't want you feeling guilty, Sousuke-senpai. There was no reason for you to be dragged into all of this." This. Because for Ai, it was still very much a living, breathing beast, one that best friends and competition couldn't compel away no matter how much he tried.

[monollith]

Having a best friend like Rin means exercising patience to an inhuman degree. He cries, yells, loves and lives the hell out of everything. And you're just along for the ride. He can allow the same sort of patience to Ai, who has so much in common with him it aches.

He looks back up at the ceiling, checking the athletes surrounding them first. Sousuke would never bring up something so sensitive where gossiping ears might catch wind. But thankfully they're far enough away, and everyone is buzzing with excitement of their own, he deems it safe to continue such a topic.

"He told me he pushed you into it." Sousuke starts carefully, pulling himself back up to adopt a similar pose to Ai. He doesn't look at him, carefully sparing him anything that might come off teasing or judgmental. Maybe another time, but not now. At least, the teasing bit. "You were having a fight and he started it."

Sousuke can see the sort of thing playing out right in front of him. He's been subject to goading of a less sexual nature, when they were up in arms about something. But Sousuke was always careful to hold himself back. Only faltering once, the time Rin confronted him before the relay. He pulled Rin in, and was so close to doing something. But the look on Rin's face was almost panicked. So he stopped. And then Rin started crying, just like Sousuke knew he would. So he also stopped.

And maybe Rin didn't know Haru was just a few feet away, but he did. And would never. Sousuke sighs.

"I wasn't dragged into anything." He patters out easily, pushing the muscles down his leg, working out any last minute kinks and knots. "You guys are my friends, that's all there is to it. Sorry I pissed him off, and he ran off though. That was my bad. I would have left first if I knew he would bolt."

[taeru]

It's the first time Ai has had to think about that night in deep, excruciating detail. And Sousuke can likely see in real time the way Ai seems to scrutinize his own thoughts further and further, a realization dawning on him that he had perhaps been avoiding. He smiles, but it's bitter.

"I said something I shouldn't have, and he reacted accordingly. I could have stopped it, but I chose not to."

I wish you'd give me something to be mad about. At least then I could complain you encroached enough to warrant it.

Rin gave him exactly what he asked for. The only person in the room who could be at fault was Ai. This much Ai believes steadfastly.

He sighs, long and silent and frustrated. Eyes flit momentarily to the people around them, seeing a few get up and march toward the poolside exit.

"Maybe we catch up later." About all of this. About the parts unsaid. All Ai knows is it's now irresponsible to continue the conversation here, privacy and fortitude notwithstanding. After a final stretch of his arms, he begins rising to his feet, holding out his hand to help Sousuke up to do the same.

"Come on, they're going to start soon."

[monollith]

It's a believable scenario, one he's almost lived through so he understands. There's a glance of pity. He knows every side of Ai--well, most he hopes--and the type of lengths he would go to for Rin. Though, Sousuke has a hard time believing Ai is solely at fault.

Because the way Rin recalled the few details he spared, was heartbreaking. It wasn't the recollection of somebody who was trying to be cruel or manipulative into goading on a sexual encounter with a friend. It wasn't someone who felt the other party was solely to blame. It was someone who was hurting, truly believing they were at fault, for something that just happens between people. It's happened between Ai and Sousuke, after all.

"Things happen between people." Sousuke says carefully, trying not to sound condescending or chiding. "I don't think it's anybody's fault. Or at least you guys are equally responsible in it. Think of it this way though."

Sousuke smiles carefully, understanding Ai's reluctance to discuss things in detail in such a public setting. Especially when time is against then, and they want to see their friend. He takes Ai's offered hand, hoisting himself up with a grin as they start making their way towards the stands.

"We've done the same thing, and are still fine. Just trust him. Dude wouldn't let go of someone, even if it was good for him."

[buttterfly]

He tries to blow off Ikuya's rude ass comment, focusing on lighter conversation instead and the buzz of everyone around them in the locker room. Finally, Haru stands up and looks at the clock. There's a fresh wave of determination in his gaze as he looks down at them and nods.

Rin smirks, and leaps to his feet. But not before teasingly offering a hand to help Ikuya up, who just slaps his hand away with a grunt. Rin feigns something offended, and Haru just rolls his eyes at the two of them.

"Come on, we don't want to miss check in." Rin nods back, as they all scamper out to the pool deck together. Rin can barely hear the announcement, as they line up and are assigned their lanes. Haruka Nanase, lane five. Rin Matsuoka, lane four. Ikuya Kirishima, lane three. Their qualifying times were all so close. It feels riveting swimming next to one of the people who made you who you are.

Kirishima is okay too, he supposes.

The announcer lists off the names for the heat, as they all begin to shrug off their jackets, and adjust their goggles. Rin rolls his shoulder, as he steps towards the starting block, poised for position. Ikuya shoots him a hooded look. Rin looks over at Haru who's gaze seems to jerk from--somewhere else??--back up to Rin's face. Even Haru has a look of stubborn determination. Rin flashes a smirk at him.

Take your marks.

The timing gun starts, and the water surrounds him as they all dive in.

[taeru]

It isn't the same at all, Ai thinks to himself almost bitterly. Which is unlike him. It was less out of affront, and more out of consideration for Sousuke and Rin, however. He and Sousuke struck up a deal, almost. They had a mutual understanding. Clear boundaries.

He was an idiot and gave himself to Rin, fully knowing he'd be swallowed whole. Fully knowing Rin would feel guilty after.

If he had been stronger, more resilient, more steeled--

You can be those things in the water later!!! he scolds himself, suddenly slapping his cheeks twice before jogging off for the stands. Sousuke looks at him sidelong, and if he cared enough to enter that mindset he could likely exactly pinpoint the road Ai's thoughts had taken. But he, too, decides to avoid the tempest for now. In so many ways, Ai and Rin really weren't all too different.

Both men find a vacant spot up in the spectator benches. Ai is standing out of his seat, gripping the railing tight. All three of their friends in their international jackets, poised for competition, knowing that at best only two of them will make it out alive from this - Ai feels his heart thumping violently in his chest.

The roar of the crowd as all swimmers take their marks and dive in is deafening. Ai included, screaming Rin's and Ikuya's names at a decibel loud enough to put the entirety of Samezuka's and Shimogami's teams combined to shame.

[buttterfly]

The water feels exhilarating again.

It's no longer clogged, and suffocating. There's not tendrils threatening to choke out his progress, and drag him down. All he can think of is the high of his teammates beside him, he can hear Ai and Sousuke's cheers from the stands. It invigorates him, even as Haru begins to pull up as they near the turn. But Rin isn't afraid. The kick-off is where he shines.

There's always been something about having Haru in the lane next to him, or handing off to him in a relay. Something that makes everything else heat up, intensify. Swimming with friends comes close, sure. The relay with Ai, Momo and Sousuke comes pretty damn close. But Haru was the one who made him love the water again. It's only right to climb a world level alongside him.

He dives under as they turn, pulling out ahead easily. But the other swimmers around them threaten to overtake them, the pack picking up speed easily. Rin breaks the surface with a gasp, willing every muscle in his body to kick into overtime. He can feel Haru behind him, slowly closing that minimal distance. Everything begins to blur, the roar of the crowds deafening as the end comes into view at a breakneck pace.

They're neck and neck now, hands outstretched, vying for that hand to slap the wall first. Rin squeezes his eyes shut, willing his body to move just a little faster--

He feels the wall beneath his palm, as he surfaces with a gasp. Haru is right there beside him. Another swimmer beside them finishes, and Ikuya immediately after. Rin whips his head up to the scoreboard, eager to see who won. But his jaw drops at the sight.

Matsuoka - 46.91 1

Nanase - 46.91 1

Sato - 47.15 2

Kirishima - 47.45 3

Rin fucking loses it. He can already feel the tears streaming down his face as he yanks his cap off, and slams it down into the water. 46.91. He doesn't need the announcer overhead tattling off that it's a new tournament record, or it's tied with fucking Cielo's world record. He looks up at the ceiling choking back a sob, wishing his dad could be in the stands now.

Haru is next to him, breathing hard and pulling off his cap, shaking the water droplets off his head. Rin looks at him, that loose, stupid grin stretched far across his face. Swimmers around them are beginning to hoist themselves out of the pool.

"We--we fucking did it." Even Haru has a bit of color on his cheeks, as Rin reaches over the lane divider, and squeezes Haru's hand before clambering out of the pool, Mikhail making some comment about not making that kind of scene with a new record.

[taeru]

There's an awe as he watches the scoreboard, but not a disbelief. In the milliseconds before the numbers appeared on the screen, it was as if the room fell silent, but the moment both Matsuoka Rin and Nanase Haruka display the same exact record-setting times, the cacophony is loud enough to blow Ai's eardrums out.

"That-- Sousuke-senpai, that's a tournament record!" Ai gawks, looking down into the water to see Rin and Haruka celebrating with a handshake before climbing up and out of the water.

There's a hesitation. Rin, surrounded by Olympiads and international competitors, who had just beaten his PB and easily got a shoe-in to the world stage, who did so one lane beside the person who makes his world shine. What good is it for his roommate to interject? He was likely surrounded by coaches and scouts and newscasters--

His feet move faster than his brain does, flying down the stairs, under the bleachers, through the warm-up area, to the mouth of the pool-side entrance. Hands cupped around his mouth, back thrown forward as if to project louder,

"Rin-senpai!! Nanase-san!!!! Congratulations!!!"

[buttterfly]

They're swarmed after they grab their jackets from the bins. Sato comes up to give them a celebratory congrats--they're olympian teammates now, after all. Rin smirks, high fiving him twice to make up for Haru's lack of physical prowess in social situations. Ikuya comes up to join them moments later, chest still heaving. He smiles.

"No surprise there. You two are insane." Rin smiles so wide it hurts his face. There's reporters, and a million other people swarming them with various congratulations. He looks back at Ikuya, raising a brow.

"You good?" Ikuya nods, trying to shrug his jacket back on. Haru awkwardly tries helping him which Ikuya just laughs at.

"I'm good. Just hard to keep up." Rin nods, but hears a voice break through the buzz around them. That boisterous, loud voice who has always cheered him on, even when he was about to drop dead in the pool in second year and just let the water swallow him whole. That toothy, stupid grin is back on his face as he pinpoints where it's coming from, waving Ai down eagerly.

"Wouldn't have been able to do it without you!!" Rin yells back. It's true. Ai was the one who offered him a place to stay, boosted his morale, even through the desolate situation Rin shoved them into. They are friends, roommates. Even if they've seen better days, they can make it through anything. He sees Sousuke out of breath, finally catching up to Ai. They barely made it out of the pool, just how quickly did Ai run down here?

His heart swells, and he wants to cry again. Haru just looks at him, and bumps their shoulders together. "If you want to cry, I'd go back in the pool so the press doesn't see..." Rin balks, and shoves at him.

[taeru]

Rin forgets Ai has spent the better part of his friendship with Rin, who is all long legs and gusto, keeping right on his heels at five in the morning.

He really doesn't want to intrude, not when cameras are still all over the place, on a stage so high Ai barely feels he belongs. But whether or not he felt confident enough to be among titans, Sousuke's already made up his mind, and isn't very subtle about the way he shoulder-checks Ai as he pushes ahead of him toward the others, hands in his jacket pockets.

"Not bad," he chimes, giving all three of them a sidelong smirk. There's padding behind him, Ai finally conjuring the wherewithal to feel as if he's justified to be among friends.

Ai looks to Ikuya first, "Kirishima-senpai, isn't that a personal best?" All in the top five of that heat had been blazing, as if stepping out from another world entirely. It's all Ai can do to be in awe, win or lose.

Then sky blue eyes are on Rin, complicated depths swirling behind his gaze - all his pride and his admiration and his longing. Haruka's quip has Ai whipping his head to look at him, and smiles lopsidedly, as if letting go of a semblance of courage he'd just scrounged up.

"It'd make a good front cover shot," he jokes instead. He could sit here and sing his praises for hours, but something tells him Rin would hate that. Instead, he lays in with that practiced pragmatism - something about being around Haruka under this pretext specifically seems to lodge Ai's foot directly in his mouth, even in the face of world-rending swim records.

"You were both on fire. I've never seen anything like that in my life."

[buttterfly]

Rin beams when Sousuke paves the way, and Ai finally trails in behind him. He holds out his fist expectantly, which Sousuke meets almost immediately. Ikuya looks away at Ai's compliment, muttering under his breath.

"Hard not to get a personal best having to keep up with those two."

Rin looks at Ai, who almost looks like he's about to say something. But then Haru and Ai are piggy backing off of each other, and Rin does not like this. At all. He grits his teeth, but Sousuke scuffs the back of his jacket jokingly pulling him back. Rin huffs, answering Ai's compliment with a burn on his face.

"It's nothing special..."

"Not at all. Just you two tying a world record holder. Definitely not special." Sousuke laughs, releasing Rin as he hisses some retort. Rin zips up his jacket a little, pulling his goggles down around his neck. He looks at Ikuya and Ai.

"You gonna be good, Kirishima? Ai's got stamina for days, and you just got your butt kicked." Ikuya begins to argue that third place is hardly getting his butt kicked and Rin bites back something teasing. But they both miss Haru looking at Ai again. Even Sousuke notices it this time, and steps in to wave off Rin's comment with something else.

"Come on, we all know Nagisa will probably beat both of them."

Rin laughs, finally noticing Haru staring at Ai again before breaking away from the others to walk back to the locker room. Rin raises a brow, but doesn't say anything as he retreats. Huh. Weird. He looks back at Ai, and ruffles up his hair. Sousuke's hand joins his and they make an absolute mess of it, all smirks and giggles.

"Keep up with that personal best record, yeah?"

[taeru]

Ai has half a mind to remind Rin he only placed seventh last year, meanwhile Ikuya just nearly made history in his freestyle heat, but. Sousuke is scruffing him not entirely unlike a misbehaving cat, which has Ai biting his bottom lip to try and hold back a laugh.

"We'll both do our best." Ai had no choice but to give his all, cards stacked against him as they were. Even Ikuya had caught him at Shimogami's pool later than others most nights - before Rin's arrival, Sousuke had come to the university multiple times a week to spectate and help Ai with his training. He's taken as much control of his own fate as he could, so whether or not he loses, he can only say it's a product - or a failure of - his own work ethic.

Ai only notices what Sousuke did just as Haruka peels off, and finally identifying that scrutinizing gaze nearly makes Ai flinch. He was too slow to recognize what kind of expression Haruka wore, only registering he'd been staring at all. If he's honest, it makes him uneasy. On and off the starting block, I'm no competition. He has half a mind to follow behind Haruka, flag him down and say something-- nice? Try to amend whatever impression he's somehow given?-- when suddenly two hands are in his hair, jostling his body this way and that.

"Hey-- Hey!" Ai whines, grasping at both their wrists to peel them off from his scalp. He dons an exasperated expression, cheeks a little heated. "Ahh, come on...!" With cameras around too? Ai wants to die a little. He smooths down his hair and his jacket and makes sure the zipper is up all the way.

"Sousuke-senpai, shouldn't you be in the warm-up pool?" Target locked. Rin had accolades to collect; Ai had his nerves to steel. But backstroke would be soon, and there is suddenly a very weird energy he's looking to dodge.

[buttterfly]

Rin doesn't even care if the cameras capture whatever is going on between their group. It's camaraderie at it's finest, and the media better be prepared for the extra nature of Matsuoka anyways. Ai waves them both off and Rin laughs, finally pulling his hand away while Sousuke gets downright scolded.

He barks out a laugh, shoving his hands into his jacket pocket. He knows Ai hates this, but oh he's going to relish in it before he dips to go find a seat with his mom and Gou.

"Woah, careful Sou. Mom is coming out now." He waves Sousuke off, as he stalks off towards the warmup pool with a scrutinized expression which just makes Rin lose it more. He sees Mikhail with a few--shit, are those sponsors?--and Mikhail waves him down. Ikuya's coach is flagging him down as well, so he waves them off in turn. Rin zips his jacket up, and tries straightening out his hair a bit before he smiles at Ai.

"That's me. I'll see you in a little bit?"

[taeru]

Rin's right on the money, Ai loathes it, and the expression he shoots Rin is so flatline, so far away, it is easy to intuit he is all fire and fury, and not even the fun kind! He even groans!

"I'm changing the lock," comes his deadpan, flat, annoyed mutter. A joke, he would never, but still. Heaven forfend someone among them is keeping track of things! Never mind the fact Haruka had left in his wake a tension so potent Ai could cut it with a knife. Was he the only one who felt it? He pinches his nose bridge, expression melting just a little into something kinder when Rin says his part.

"Good luck," he wishes sincerely, lifting his hand a little to wave off Rin appropriately as he's all but swarmed.

Makes it easy for Ai to finally get away, padding off toward the warm-up area, but moving past it. He was limber, physically - Ai had to get his head in the game, though. Sousuke's heat wasn't for another half hour, and Rin had busied himself. He doesn't expect anyone else to try and flag him down, so Ai takes to wandering the back halls a bit, counting his steps and his breaths as if to use his environment to meditate.

[saaba]

It's just to clear his head. That's what he told himself after closing his locker. He doesn't have anything for a while, not until the 200m. Rin was busy getting chummy with his ex-teammates and Ikuya. Haru didn't know what to say, so he just excused himself.

Or at least that would be a good excuse for him, normally.

Even Haru isn't immune to the high of a good race. It feels good. Setting a new record together, tying for a world record at that. But something has been stirring, ever since he saw Rin again. Something off. It started the night Yamazaki texted him out of nowhere, asking if he knew where Rin was? Which. Haru just stared at Makoto because. Wasn't Rin in Sydney?

It only led to something Haru could describe as panic, something he had rarely felt before. Why wouldn't Rin tell him he was back? What could possibly have transpired between him and Yamazaki that would make Rin run away? Haru knew, deep down, that Rin probably didn't want to tell him because of their talk. The one when Rin said he was moving back to Sydney. Something in Haru sunk because he knew Rin was moving forward with his dream. Something Haru could relate to; he wouldn't have found it without Rin's help, after all. But he took it as Rin pursuing a different path. Something that ached, and Haru took the initiative to instigate what he thought Rin was hinting at.

Even if Rin's gaze after absolutely broke him.

Things felt a little different last night though. Rin was staying with someone, Haru assumed Yamazaki. Those bruises on his neck. It stirred something in Haru. Not like he has any room to judge. Rin is an adult, and can do whatever he wants, with whoever he wants. But that little tug unfurled as Haru watched the interactions transpire throughout the morning.

Because Nitori, Rin's ex dorm mate, had some similar bruising littering his neck. Much fainter than Rin's sure. But Haru couldn't help but he drawn to the faint bruising littering both their necks everytime he was in their vicinity. Someone said something, and even Sousuke sidled in like he was cutting the conversation short.

That was when Haru had to walk away.

It was his only intention to wander for a bit, away from the noise and crowds. Nobody could fault him for that. He knew Makoto was up in the stands somewhere with Kisumi and Asahi. But he doesn't want to see them right now either. Haru tries to not let his mind wander, piecing together possibility after possibility. People call him a prude, or ignorant of things around him constantly. It's not that he doesn't see it. Most of the time he just doesn't care. Not everyone's business is his business, after all. Unless it's directly affecting him. So... is this? No. But, he can't help but dwell on it. Turning a corner past a soda machine, he accidentally bumps into someone down a quiet hallway near the garage.

"Sorry--"

He starts, trying to be polite. But he freezes when he sees Nitori. Haru takes a step back.

[taeru]

He has too many thoughts still swirling in his mind, none relevant to the competition, and every time Ai has to restart his mental count, he kicks himself internally. It was all he could do to try and re-find his focus. He didn't have Haruka's magic, able to pull people out of slumps and into a perfect consciousness just by existing. He didn't have Sousuke's perfect resolve, able to push through injury and heartache to make miracles happen. He didn't have Rin's drive, determined to see anything and everything through to the end, come hell or high water.

He just had himself, and his own psyche. It was far too late to be morose over bygones.

Nitori Aiichirou knows one thing as a given truth: the universe will test him. If it's interpersonal, he will be benched. Academic, an uphill battle. At the starting block? He'd be surprised if he's able to carve a career that lasts longer than five years with how much he's had to exert himself. But knowing this about himself - how all except his own drive seems to conspire against him - there is something of a silver lining. Once he's in the water, none of it will matter. It'll be him against his own resolve at that point. Just two hours to go--

"!!"

"Sorr-"

The voice makes him choke on his words, blinking owlishly and furiously at a frozen Nanase Haruka in front of him. Ai swallows thick. Just when he'd been about to rally...

"Sorry," he repeats, voice forcing itself to be calm and mannered, "I had my head down." Starts, stops. His bodyweight shifts as if he was about to approach Haruka, but it is as if his feet cannot dislodge themselves from the floor.

He hates the way a coldness drips down his spine, dripping into his gut, the contact point making it twist itself into tight, grotesque knots. He isn't scared of Nanase Haruka, only of what Nanase Haruka must be thinking right now. Ai wasn't stupid, and had caught at least two of his sidelong glances. Wants to plead his case that whatever he might be thinking right now, Ai promises him there's little to worry about. If Rin had it his way, he wouldn't even be at my place right now.

His expression crosses into a sudden resolve and determination, and then smooths over into something a bit tinged with trepidation, but still earnest.

"Um," he starts, as if he has to find his tongue at first, "Watching your race, it really lit something up inside of me. You're incredible, Nanase-san." He measures his words again, as if calculating pros and cons in real time, before tacking on, "I look forward to watching you and Rin-senpai chase gold in Athens."

[saaba]

Haru's eyes linger on Nitori for a moment too long. Nitori's words almost get lost in the noise, blue eyes caught on places he shouldn't be looking.

Those dusky imprints.

Haru blinks, focusing on actually listening to Nitori's words. They're kind, albeit a bit panicked in their delivery. It's nothing new to him. He's always held that tone in the few times they've spoken, it sounds reminiscent of how he addressed Rin a long, long time ago. Impressionable to a fault, and constantly putting himself where he feels as though he can't reach others.

Haru catches on more than he lets on. "...thanks." he says, a little quiet. It's not like he isn't grateful for the praise, or pissed that something may or may not have transpired between the two. It's none of his business after all. Right?

He pulls his gaze away, staring at the wall for a moment. Something swells in his throat, and Haru can't quite swallow it down. But he figures he shouldn't be rude either, and returns the well wished.

"You too." A silent indication he fully expects Nitori to climb towards that global stage with them. He remembers back in High School, Rin prattling on about how much Nitori was improving. And Haru had witnessed it firsthand time and time again. Joint practices, relays, regionals...

It's quiet for a bit. Haru looks at the floor, unable to meet eyes that are so like his own. But, he figures it's as quiet as it's ever going to be. And equally, they're as alone as they're ever going to be. Haru tilts his head.

"...Is Rin okay?" Haru shifts his weight a little. "Yamazaki texted me one night that he disappeared."

[taeru]

He was always the last person to believe in himself. That even Haruka could cut through that, words so exacting in what he's trying to convey-- Ai is very very determined not to cry, whether from stress or from gratitude. Can't afford it. His respiratory needs to be in peak condition before his heat, and something tells him at least two people wouldn't forgive him if he threw away his chance over something so sentimental.

He nods. Pulls his lips for a moment, the only indication of a well behind his eyes, and then it's gone. And-- the words don't come. If it was Rin, if it was Sousuke, even if it had been Tachibana, Ai could find ways to smooth over an open space that didn't feel as if it should be open. That was his superpower, drawing people out of themselves. But Haruka isn't that - Ai doesn't get the sense that he's lost somewhere far away.

No. He's watching. And thinking. It does leave Ai feeling scrutinized, but a part of him knows, in a way, it isn't about him at all. For the umpteenth time, his consideration was only incidental. So he waits, until Haruka finally asks something, and a flit of-- something overtakes Ai's expression.

Something equal parts relieved and yet so painfully resigned.

"He is now."

Ai grabs at his own wrist, thumbing his pulse line, digging his fingernails between tendons. There is so much more Haruka deserves to know, and Ai wants to tell it all, but it isn't his place; it has to come from Rin. It's all Ai can do to remain as neutral as possible and convey to Haruka what he can without overstepping.

"He's been staying with me for a little bit," he clarifies somewhat needlessly. A smile manages to tug at just one corner of his lips, a testament to his resolve, "I think he'd feel too guilty to say it to you himself, but Nanase-san, you're welcome over any time."

[saaba]

He is now.

He blinks. It catches in his chest. So Rin wasn't fine. Disappearing into a storm. Haru doesn't know where he went, but it's easy enough to discern that something happened. And Nitori confirms that Rin was never staying with Yamazaki. Haru's eyes linger on Nitori's neck again, before he lets his gaze trickle elsewhere. It's kind of Nitori to offer, but it feels something more akin to an obligation or guilt. Is it? Haru doesn't know. He doesn't know Nitori like Rin does.

"Sure. Thanks."

He returns that little olive branch with some gratitude at the kind offer. It's not rejection, just misplaced certainty of how to proceed. Haru's never been good with people. He's never been in a situation like this.

"...that's just kind of how he is." Haru says, making a small gesture with his hand. Rin, that is. Not wanting to bother Haru with his location after how things ended. But Rin wanted that, right? So why does he care? It stings a little that he had to hear about it from Yamazaki, but. It is what it is.

"Thanks. For taking care of him."

It's obvious Nitori cares deeply about his friend. Haru doesn't want to dwell on the depths of that, or the intensity behind it. It just makes that pit linger and fester in his chest. His eyes trail towards Nitori's hand at his wrist. That self soothing ministration, feeling something instead of whatever is at hand.

[taeru]

He feels it again, Haruka's wandering eyes. Ai can't think of a way to ease his apparent concern without making a colossal fool of himself. It isn't as if he owed Haruka an explanation, besides. And worse still, if he said anything, he may put Rin's best interests in jeopardy.

Or.

Would I? Something sudden, and resolute, and resounding settles in his chest.

Ai shakes his head as if dismissing Haruka's gratitude as an obvious and foregone conclusion, "Of course. You would have too." You would have be the one if you meant less.

He takes a breath, catching Haruka's eye with his own, level-set and resolved even if woefully, almost pitifully vulnerable.

"This isn't," he begins. Then stops. Takes in a breath, then taps his clavicle, "This isn't indicative of anything important, I promise you." It wasn't important enough to him. Ai swallows his resolve back into his chest, "And-- forgive my imposing-- but Nanase-san, if you reached out to him, you wouldn't regret it." He knows that look. That confused, uncertain gaze. Yearning to some. Regret to others. Ai, unfortunately, has had first-hand experience with both.

Ahh. What is this? Exactly how much do I hate myself? I want to go home.

He clears his throat, resolve completely depleted; his eyes meet the laminate floor.

"Sorry, that was very forward." He bows, stiff and overly polite. "I should probably head back. Sousuke-senpai's heat is soon."

[saaba]

Ah. So that was it.

Haru's not angry, not in the slightest. There's still that little gnaw deep seated in him, but there's nothing bubbling in his veins or shouts festering in his throat. His eyes widen a hair, Nitori spelling it out clear as day. His hand twitches at his side, but he lets it stay. It would be easy to leave right away. But Nitori didn't do anything to deserve that.

"You shouldn't apologize for being honest." He says carefully, his voice soft. He doesn't bring up Rin's name. But maybe there's some indication in the back of his words that is somewhat implied. They both know what he's talking about. Haru takes a short breath and adds.

"Caring about people isn't something to be sorry about."

He meets Nitori's gaze. He's not good with words. Famously bad at them, in fact. But maybe after all of this is over he'll reach out to Rin again. They'll all be in tight quarters for the forseeable future. But he'll get there when it comes. Haru turns, but pauses while he pulls his phone out. A group text from Rin. It's a picture of him and Ikuya sitting with Rin's Mom and Gou. They all are posing for the camera, and Rin details the seats and wing. Haru puts his phone back in his pocket.

"Mmm. I should go find Makoto. I'll see you?" He offers lightly, making a small gesture at Nitori before he goes back to the stands. Yamazaki and him have had their differences, sure. But Makoto is eager to watch what his pupil can do, all the hard work they've put in. Haru wouldn't miss it.

[taeru]

Ai isn't sure what to make of Haruka's platitudes, unsure how much of what he says is born out of an obligation not to appear rude (though Haruka doesn't strike Ai as the type to care too much about that) versus being slightly enigmatic on account of being specific. The latter is more likely, and arguably worse.

He doesn't have the time or the mental capacity to deal with how vast and deep the current in his chest is, threatening to pull him down wholesale. If he fails now because he chose to be the bigger person, he may just beg Mihkail to let him move back with him to Australia.

He's watching Haruka's back as he steps away when a sudden vibration in his jacket pocket nearly jolts him straight out of his skin. He looks at the message at the exact same time Haruka does, and feebly meets his gaze when he hears his voice. Stupidly Ai nods.

"I'll see you, Nanase-san."

And truth told, the last thing Ai feels he needs right now is to be in Rin's proximity. It isn't Rin's fault; Ai's nerves are just frayed. They had already been tenuous, and Haruka seeing through him like glass had undone all of the steel he thought he'd forged onto his nerves. But he weighs his options: stew by himself and gamble losing it all because he's had a slip of focus? Or endure the same thing he's been putting up with for a week-plus, and at least cheer for Sousuke in the company of people who understand his worth?

Ai presses the heel of his palm to his eye as he turns and begins jogging briskly toward the indicated wing and seat. Takes a few breaths when he sees not one but three tell-tale redheads and his senior. Despite everything, a gentle smile overcomes him, and Ai slips into the bleachers to be on the far left of the line of folks. Looks to Rin appreciatively, if a bit apprehensively, before looking down to the warm-up pool where he can see Sousuke starting to climb out.

"Soon," he says, abating himself.