for @buttterfly - post-tfln

[taeru]

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[buttterfly]

Rin just chalks Ai's weirdness up to talking about this in the open. But. This is something guys do right? Ty and some of the other members of the team used to do it all the time. Natsuya chiming in drunkenly from the corner after he had settled in their lives. Sometimes in great detail. So really it's fine. Right?

Normal.

"Hey man, good for you." Rin laughs, the first genuine sound out of him in the last hour. He can be happy for friends finding things like that. Sex isn't bad. Far from it. Especially tangled up in the confines of school and growing up, there's some comfort in sharing those things with another person. Something Rin knew all too well.

The question throws him off a little. But he tries to remain open to sharing, because Ai clearly just played the share game with him and Rin needs to be the one to meet him in the middle too. He's already crashing at his house, using his things, Ai paid for his dinner... Rin bites his lip, and lays on his back, staring up at the ceiling through outstretched fingertips raised above him.

"Well. At the time it felt like we were meeting in the middle." A sad smile warps his features. His eyes lid. "But... when it was right, when our timing lined up, it was like racing. You know that moment in the water when everything is all weightless and you can't hear anything? Just feeling your body syncing up with the water? Two hearts lock in, breaths sync. Nothing between you but that rythm."

Rin is romantic. Rin is sappy. Rin is a chump for not being more considerate about some of these details, but Ai asked and he's already succumbed to exhaustion so the words flow freer now. Much like when Natsuya would drown himself in beer.

"Like those lanes blurring and you're swimming together. It's dizzying. Feeling someone inside you, outside." Rin swallows, a sad laugh bubbling out. "But then it's gone. And you choke because you remember you're just one body again." He tries to shrug off the pain. It's not the first time he's felt it. And it certainly won't be the last.

"Even if it hurt. Even if I only got that feeling momentarily, it was fucking worth it."

[taeru]

Well. Fuck.

Multiple problems arise in the face of Rin's candid recollection, and all of Ai, in and out, has difficulty staying on the roller coaster. His first reaction is a shock and awe that Rin would be so candid with him; even if they're both older now, had always been somewhat close. They never dared bring up these types of topics back in Samezuka. On Ai's part, it was a means of tempering himself; if the topic was never breached, he never had to ruminate on it. The second wave is a symbiotic pain, hearing Rin's words and knowing they're all past tense. The third, an overwhelming envy. Not just for whom Rin shared it all with, but for the sheer fact he had the gall to pursue what he wanted anyway, circumstances be damned. The fourth, a sickening hope, one he far too instinctively tamps down quicker and easier than any other feeling that had washed over him.

Fifth and last is the painful self-awareness that he's growing hot under the collar.

Thankfully, on account of having once been a lovesick sixteen year old with too many hormones but even more patience and tenacity to spare, he's able to keep himself in check. But by god, Rin is not making it easy. Would he handle this conversation better if it wasn't taking place after such a long day, at such a late hour, so soon after he's seen Rin for the first time in years?

"I'm jealous," he finally says, with a lopsided smile and another rub of the back of his neck. "I never came close to anything like that... Maybe I'm a coward after all." He shifts so he's no longer sitting kneeling, and instead crosses his legs.

He clears his throat, "Don't-- don't get me wrong. The sex was good." The word finally out in the open, too. Sousuke treated him so well. "Really good. But it wasn't-- nothing about it was..." He pauses. Tilts his head. Figures using Rin's own analogy works best here,

"I wanted to drown. That's all. I wanted to feel so out of breath that I couldn't think about anything else afterward." He rubs his arms. "And then we'd finish, and reality would come back. As you could imagine, that sort of thing can't last very long. But for the time it did, it was nice."

Another pause, and that-- blank, lost, ruminating expression shifts into a much more present curiosity, and he's even looking at Rin sidelong.

"Senpai, do you like the bottom?"

[buttterfly]

Rin hates that word with a burning passion.

Because it's haunted him. Not in the bad, mocking way those american kids back in Australia were implying. But because throughout his return to Japan and subsequently dorming up in bunk-style settings, he's either been mocked or asked that question. Which has a loaded meaning and in Australia definitely fucking means something else. Rin bristles instinctively, swallowing down whatever that was and focusing instead on Ai's other words.

"Why would you be a coward?"

Rin presses. Ai has never struck him as that. Determined to do and get what he wants, and with the track record to prove it. There's that little tittering in the back of his head though, when Ai had begun describing the sex itself. That loaded question. The one he decides to go for, because it's a night of sharing and if he asks and Ai doesn't want to answer or Rin is wrong. Well.

"Wow. Really good is better than most of us got at that age, you know?" Rin tries to lighten the mood. "Our first time sucked."

"Was it someone I knew?" He presses curiously, casting a glance at Ai. He can get a pretty good read on people. And maybe Ai's expression will say everything. Not that Rin is forcing him into saying anything. Some secrets are better left unsaid. But Rin can't deny that faint spark of curiousity. The two people at Samezuka he was closest with. What would bring them together like that? Those late night practices...surely they talked.

About what?

But back to that stupid bottom, fucking... Rin licks his lips, and tries to swallow down another noise of anguish. Rin had said it after all. He fucking said it, and he knew he said it. There's no shame but. He's always put on that stupid facade. I'm Rin Matsuoka. I've got a girly name, but I'm definitely a boy. Don't make me prove it! That last one... never translated well in english. He shoves the embarrassing memory aside.

"That a problem?" It's a halfhearted hiss. Like a cat who got water dumped on it. Something that seems more himself than whatever this conversation has divulged into.

[taeru]

"Being with someone even if it seems impossible... I don't know. I couldn't bring myself to do it." He titters, then waves his hand, "Well, it's just like you to pursue what you want recklessly, in the water and out." What and who, evidently. Vaguely, Ai wonders what Haruka must be doing now.

And he's about to make another quip at how logistically difficult and awkward his first time was on account of a rather ridiculous size difference, how they had spent more time laughing than sweating, how it played a small part in wanting to bulk up in second year, but.

It isn't that Ai purposefully wants to keep the information from Rin; it's only that he isn't sure Sousuke would want it to be known. And either Rin is a very good liar (Ai knows he isn't), or Sousuke truly hadn't confided in Rin either. Which comes to Ai as a bit of a shock, if he's honest. Ultimately though, after staring blankly at Rin for an uncomfortable few seconds, Ai decides he trusts both men enough to just be forthright.

But god, his face very nearly rivals Rin's hair in colour.

"Yes." He pauses, as if to silently apologize for giving Rin the mental image. "It was Sousuke-senpai." Ai scratches his cheek right below his beauty mark, as if that might get his skin to cool down a bit. "Um-- please understand it wasn't my intention to hide it from you. At the time we never talked about these things... And I was only vague now out of consideration for Sousuke-senpai. But we're still friendly, and still talk all the time. We just don't-- do that anymore." Sousuke found a way to move on. Ai found better ways to cope.

And then he jumps a bit when Rin bites back at his question, immediately shaking his head, "No! Of course not! Why would it be? Besides, it isn't as if we,"

"."

Now he's shaking his head and waving his hand, "Well!! If you ask me, both is fine! So what does it matter if it feels good, right?"

[buttterfly]

He knew it. He fucking knew it. He wants to call it like he sees it, accuse Ai and Sousuke of covering up their little tryst (??? is that the right word for it?? whatever). Rin just stares at Ai, mouth slightly agape.

His best friend, and his ex-roommate/very good friend were fucking and he didn't know? Rin bites his lip. Well it wasn't like he was very forthcoming that Haru was screwing him sideways either. But that was besides the point. Ai quickly tacks on that he isn't trying to hide anything, was merely being considerate and Rin is still bristling at finding out like this. He glares over at Ai, and huffs.

"You guys should have told me. What the fuck?" It lacks the bite of anything serious. But everything falls into place, and it all makes sense now. All those late nights of Sousuke not getting in until fuck o'clock, every excuse in the book. Why wouldn't Sousuke want to tell him? Was he ashamed, or...

He instead chooses to retort to Ai's backpedaling. A silent you better watch it lacing his tone.

"That's what I thought." Rin grits, tossing his book at Ai in a much more light manner this go around.

[taeru]

Dodged! Ai will take a million books to the chest if it means Rin will continue to be too heated to notice Ai slipping. He threatens himself to sleep well tonight so as not to make the same mistakes again.

Besides, Rin is being chronically unfair about something else right now, which earns him a stern glower and pout from Ai, who fumbles but catches Rin's book and holds it in his lap.

"You never once told me about Nanase-san. Not even when I asked." And he asked a lot, always concerned for Rin, and always trying to protect himself too. He continues, "Who knows why Sousuke-senpai didn't want to tell you? I can only speak for myself. It didn't seem like something you'd be interested in." Maybe from Sousuke, but certainly not from Ai; he didn't consider his comings-and-goings pertinent enough to Rin's interests circa ~three years ago. And for Sousuke's part, he can only speculate. Maybe Sousuke really was embarrassed over the whole ordeal - or, knowing Ai's dilemma, didn't want to spill to Rin and risk opening that can of worms. No matter which way one looks at it, they are a bit of an odd pair.

[buttterfly]

Rin balks. There was a time when the only accountability he ever held was when Ai called him out on shit. After High School, that dissolved into holding himself accountable for things. Easy when you're emotionally detached from everyone and everything around you. Easier still when you gaslight yourself into thinking you're back in your home country.

But Ai is right. And Rin sinks his teeth into his lip.

"Alright, alright. I got it. Christ." He bites back, pulling his arm down to drape over his face, covering his eyes. It wasn't fair. Ai had constantly asked him about Haru. Sousuke too. Rin didn't want to touch whatever was going on between Sousuke and Haru with a ten foot pole. But Ai's curiousity seemed innocent enough at the time. Brought to fruition out of concern more than anything. Or so Rin speculated.

"Maybe I'm a normal person, and like hearing when my friends have life changing experiences. Sue me." He rolls his eyes painfully hard, dragging his arm down to sling over his chest. The awkward silence that trails is painfully obvious. And Rin knows he caused it, so he tries to just dip his toes back into whatever playful banter they at least had for the last few minutes. Even if remembering some of the more intimate details of his life prove to be painful.

They still happened. They were part of him now, and he should accept that piece of himself. He sighs.

"Sousuke ever let you fuck him?" Rin says carelessly, like he was talking to Ai about the weather. "He always talked about wanting to try."

[taeru]

Ai levels his eyes over Rin in his totality when he drapes his arm over his face. Despite the topic teetering uncomfortable sometimes, he's relaxed. Built... Enough of that! Ai leans forward to place Rin's book on top of Rin's stomach with a quiet sigh.

"I can get my journal from then and read it to you if that makes you feel better." Yes, he's teasing. But in a lesser way, he's also deflecting a little. Rin might've been volatile during their first year of friendship, and occupied during their second, but Ai had his own shortcomings - namely, always always downplaying his position in most peoples' lives. Approaching friendships as if he was a burden at the outset. It was lost on him that Rin might've been interested to know even the most basic of things - why he's visiting family this weekend, why he's not going to be around that evening. Why is he disappearing with Sousuke so often. He owed it to Rin to try and be a bit more forthright; to let himself take up space.

Rin's arm moves down, and Ai's eyes move down with it. And then whip right back up to Rin's face at his crass question - Ai's blood vessels have no more blood to spare. He just blinks, stupid and owlish but resigned to the fact Rin is going to know all of him at this rate.

"We... Tried. Given his, um." Ai just-- vaguely gestures with his hands. "-- Our first time doing more, we thought it'd be safer if it was me." And the way he deflates! Ai's expression goes deadpan, "But no matter how we tried to configure it, it wasn't really working. And he didn't exactly seem comfortable, so we switched." And that was a slow process, but at least they didn't have to whip out the Kama Sutra to get their bodies to fit. Ai is surprisingly pliant, it turns out. He rubs his neck and commits to the sentiment floating in his head, "The times we were up for it, that's how we did it. Otherwise, I preferred used my mouth."

And so as not to get hung up on that as a thought between them, Ai pivots. "I really thought he'd told you, so I'm not surprised you two talked about this kind of stuff. Did you tell him about your situation back then, too?" With Haruka, he means, but worries if he says the name a third time Rin will kick him out of his own apartment.

[buttterfly]

He misses the not so subtle way Ai is dragging his gaze along with Rin's arm. Better they know all of each other this way, and not in a screaming match or Rin throwing books of poetic varieties.

He can't help but laugh. It's rude, and he knows it. But the mental image he was just presented with is too vivid in his head. And he presses his palm against his forehead in the process. That real, raw laugh tumbling out of him. It feels good. It's at the expense of two of his friends, sure. But Sousuke would go that far, wouldn't he? Wanting to take it for once, so awkwardly trying to until they realized it wasn't going to really work out.

"Sorry, I just." Rin spits out, trying to stifle his giggles. "You probably just described the reason he never told me." It all makes sense now. Sousuke knows Rin would have died of laughter even harder if he had been the one to tell him. All stuttery and stoic and awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck. And Rin would have fallen off wherever they were sitting, and caused a scene.

But it pivots back. As it has this whole evening. A thought for a thought. An eye for an eye. Rin groans, pushing both palms against his eyes. Like that would somehow shield him from having to answer just as honestly.

"No way. He and Haru had some weird shit going on that year. I thought they were going to strangle each other." Rin admits awkwardly. He never really asked about it, fearing it would have to do with something akin to jealousy, or. "After that stupid water gun fight, they seemed cool though... eh. I don't know. Didn't really think about it." Awfully hypocritical of you Matsuoka, but.

"Glad you guys still talk though. Silly when that stuff gets in the way." His tone turns a little solemn. But far from whatever it was earlier in his depressing spiral.

[taeru]

Rin's laughter is genuinely music to his ears, and Ai will happily take it at his own expense. The situation was absurd anyway and warranted making fun of, if he's honest; he and Sousuke definitely laughed about it in the moment too. Despite cheeks hot from embarrassment, Ai doesn't actually feel all that embarrassed, though; he sits with his legs a shoulder's width apart, feet flat on the floor, elbows on his knees, and palms pressed to both of his cheeks. And just rubs them up and down, with a purposefully over-dramatic groan and pout to match.

"My life is probably a liability now. If you don't protect it at all costs, I'll never forgive you." By which he means never letting it get back to Sousuke that Ai told Rin!

His tone is far too bright because it's far too hard not to find Rin's laughter infectious. Even as Rin details his reasoning for not telling Sousuke, and Ai thinks under the circumstances it was the right call at the time. As obfuscated as the details were at the time, Ai was perceptive, and even he could pick up on something going on over there. He'd even go as far as to wager that once or twice, Sousuke brought that energy back behind closed doors. Ai still isn't sure what to make of it.

"We did it as friends, so the transition was easy." Ai would genuinely be upset to lose Sousuke as a confidant. In much the same way he'd be upset to lose Rin as a trusted friend; their balance is too good now. Ai doesn't want to rock the boat, despite himself.

"It's impressive honestly, Rin-senpai. How effortlessly you draw people in." Speak for yourself!

[buttterfly]

Rin holds up his hands, letting that mock surrender hover above his face.

"Your secret's safe with me. Buuut, just to keep it even. If Sousuke texts me with any bottom bunk jokes in the near future, I'm fucking kicking you out of your own apartment. Sound fair?"

It's an ominously playful tone.

But Ai is right. That easy transition between friends and friends with a little addition. Rin wonders, if now that he's back Haru would... he jolts free from that train of thought, squeezing his eyes shut in the process. No. Not happening.

Sousuke was weird during those times. And Rin couldn't even pinpoint it. Only later realizing it was health related. Or probably at least. Or maybe it all tied in together somehow. His face burns at Ai's comment? Compliment? And he mutters a weird, jumbled thanks as he rakes his bangs out of his face.

"Not my fault people are into crazy." A self deprecating jab, but a playful one. Mildly less so than some of the darker commentary he had aimed at himself earlier in this conversation. Rin groans.

[taeru]

"Sounds fair." Ai would never, anyway. Though Sousuke is the only living being who has heard any amount of griping from Ai about his woes, Ai would never go as far as to disclose specifics he's talked about with Rin, for all the same reasons he didn't indulge Rin at first about Sousuke either. In this way, he now owes both men a debt.

To Rin's self-deprecating jab, Ai pauses for thought. Then decides the first one that had crossed his mind isn't too dissimilar from something he might've said three, four years ago. Slowly, he rises up to his feet; stretches his arms above his head, and hears a satisfying pop! from his shoulder.

"That isn't true. My tastes are better than that." His tone is, in necessity, so straight it's obviously playful. Real 5D chess move. His last bout of releasing the steam from the pressure valve before he grows so incoherent he can't reel it all back in; he was tired, but he felt in control. Banter between friends was harmless, right?

He shuffles to just the other side of the room where one of his floor-to-ceiling storage systems is, opening it and retrieving a rolled up futon and a set of sheets. Gets to work moving his little coffee table out of the way so as to lay the futon out for Rin and get it dressed.

"I wonder what sort of person Rin-senpai likes." That isn't Haruka-shaped. Ai squats beside the futon and pats it, "Did you bring your pillow?"

[buttterfly]

He awkwardly scoots a bit closer to the wall, as Ai puts together the futon. Rin knows Ai will just shoo him away if he tries to intervene. He feels like a horrible guest, and glares daggers around the apartment, trying to find something to do with himself when Ai isn't around. But it's fairly put together.

...dish duty it is. Ugh.

He leans against the wall, putting his arms behind his head. Ai says something, that makes Rin think for the umpteenth time tonight. My tastes are better than that Just like that comment Rin couldn't discern from flirting or not earlier. He squints at Ai, but doesn't say anything. Except his mind refuses to drop it this time. Despite his best efforts.

He doesn't vocalize it, however. They just fumble out of an already awkward conversation, and are both exhausted. But Ai just brushes right back into it, and it makes Rin bristle a bit. He bites his lip, twisting his gaze to some distant wall. At both comments. What kind of person does he like? He's only ever really liked Haru, as long as he could remember to be honest. Is he just doomed to be into stone cold boys with a water fetish?

"You people live to fuck with me, I swear." First the bottom bunk comments, then the pillow. Ugh. He'll never escape either of them. Rin rubs the back of his neck, scrunching his nose and closing his eyes as he tries to think.

"Shit, I don't know...the kind of person who makes the quiet less scary I guess." What kind of answer is that?? He fumbles a bit, trying to formulate something else. But the stammer that follows is equally deep and thoughtful. "Someone who's home just by being there."

[taeru]

Rin will be allowed to make a mess of the place and clean up as he sees fit after tonight; Ai just wanted to make a good first impression. Tonight, Rin is a guest, but starting tomorrow he's a roommate - that was Ai's mentality. And besides, it'd only be a matter of time before his books, journals, CDs, and knickknacks would be strewn about the place anyway.

Ai pulls the fitted sheet over the futon and fluffs the set a bit, then is standing back up on flat feet; hands are on his hips and he shifts his weight side to side, as if to loosen up his lower back. Now it was Rin's problem - if he wanted to keep the futon right where it was in the middle of the living space, or shift elsewhere. He technically had the choice of sleeping on the couch instead, though Ai wouldn't think it to be very comfortable. And there's still the part of him that feels it's unfair his senior should be sleeping on a futon while Ai sleeps in the bed, but...

Rin's response is expectedly romantic, even if not quite what Ai had been asking. It makes him smile bittersweetly, arms relaxing at his sides.

"That sounds nice." In a weird way, Ai thinks he's found that kind of person too. He understands the sentiment completely. "It sounds perfect, actually. That's all you could ever really want to seek out of someone, right? Is home."

And then silence. Ai is still standing, and his posture in relation to Rin begs for the night to come to a close... But there is just this tug still in his chest. An impulse that is one shackle away from snapping. Unfortunately, Ai is sensible, and tamps all of it down with measured practice, and the way his eyes settle upon Rin are equal parts tired and grateful; they've learned so much in so few hours.

"Maybe we should turn in. It's late, senpai."

[buttterfly]

Finally, that finality of exhaustion begins to creep over him. And it doesn't look like he's alone either. Ai stands in a way that shrieks exhaustion, even if it runs deeper than Rin might expect. Mental exhaustion tugs at him too, there's been some... difficult words tonight.

"Yeah. Home."

Mostly Rin's fault. But. He drags his hand from his neck, back around his necklace before he sighs and stiffly gets to his feet. The futon looks incredibly comfortable. He practically crawls onto it, sinking down with a soft sigh. It's plush and reminds him of the futon he used to drag into his sister's room when she didn't want to sleep alone.

It takes everything in him not to fall asleep in five seconds flat. He'll probably drag it closer to the wall at some point. But for tonight, it's fine. He rolls over, yawning as he tries to look at the books on one of the shelves.

"Thanks again. Sorry for being an ass earlier."

[taeru]

He shakes his head once, and his smile is gentle in that way of his that is nearly unconditional in how much patience and grace he is willing to give.

"I couldn't think of a better way to kick off our reprise."

And then there's a tilt to his head, as if to offer a small apology for getting one last taunt in.

Ai pads into the deep end of the apartment, his bed tucked away behind a mid-height bookshelf that is packed with odds and ends; he isn't completely obfuscated, but Rin would likely have to sit or stand up to see Ai over the height of the shelving. Ai for his part only needs to roll over to get a full view of his apartment, Rin included - but for Rin's sake, and to give the chance to maybe calm down and be normal again, tonight he's sleeping facing the window.

"Sleep well, senpai. I'll do my best not to wake you up in the morning."

He spares one last glance to Rin across the room before reaching for the light switch and tapping it, casting the entire apartment into a calm, uncaring darkness.

[buttterfly]

It's not an awkward routine they fall into. Just normality. Not a far cry one from the one they shared during their time at Samezuka.

Rin wakes up first, goes out running. Comes back, rolls up his futon and spends most of his day at the gym Ai so kindly referred him to. Rin makes dinner a lot, his excuse being he's the guest and not paying rent, so let him do that part at least. It's simple, but it's theirs. He doesn't hear Ai complain too much. Sure, there's some sighs that Rin shouldn't cook every single night since he's training hard during the day. But Rin likes it. It keeps his mind busy.

He's only told Sousuke he's back. Begged him not to mention it to Haru, or Makoto or anybody else. Sousuke didn't ask why, but just gave Rin a look like he knew and it made Rin's skin crawl. Sousuke didn't ask where Rin was staying, but he and Ai are tight right? He probably knew and it wasn't like Rin was trying to hide it from him...

All Japan is around the corner. He gets a text from Natsuya that he's in town, and they should meet up sometime. Rin ignores it. He doesn't like to isolate himself, but it's easier right now. Pouring himself into training, and housework. He keeps his nose in books whenever he has a second, just to keep his head from straying. But it does anyways. Rin isn't as talkative these days--retreating into himself and the pool a little more nowadays.

Until the storms start.

They're normally relatively mild this time of year. But for some reason, in the middle of the night, is when the rain really likes to pelt against the windows. And the winds sailing thick through the trees is enough to put anyone on edge. Let alone somebody who lost family to a storm. His nightmares aren't quite as intense as they used to be. But it's another night at 2:35 AM and he's wide awake. There's probably bags under Rin's eyes, it's been such a stormy week.

So he just lays in his futon, blanket pulled up to his nose as he tries to scroll through his phone and ignore the rain outside. It's not doing much good. His email is filled with good lucks and well wishes from a few old teammates, mom checking in, there was even one or two from Haru that Rin couldn't bear to open without tears filling his eyes at the prospect. Since when did Haru start emailing anyways?

He glances over his shoulder, hoping the rain isn't keeping Ai awake. He just tries to bury himself in his blanket, and try to will the storm to pass.

[taeru]

The normalcy of their routine was almost jarring. Earlier on, Ai would have called it domestic if not for the implications, and he wasn't that much of a fool. Much like first year, he tries not to be in Rin's hair too much when in the apartment, but is eager to try and get Rin out of his comfort zone and doing something other than his strict regimen. Ai knows especially that with so many changes in such a short time, it's borderline imperative to make sure Rin doesn't retreat into himself.

He's had half a mind to tell Sousuke, if he's honest, just to have someone else who could keep an eye out for Rin. But Ai trusts Rin enough and trusts in his friendship with Sousuke enough that Ai hasn't made mention of it yet in his texts with their friend.

He wakes up early most days and either goes to class or work, goes to either work out or swim, and comes home. Evenings were usually spent pitching in to help with the dishes (and more often than not getting admonished for it) and then staying up far too late to either study, read, or both. Rin was not the only creature of habit - and the busier Ai could keep himself, the easier it became to handle the subtle gnaw always sitting right at the base of his spine, in the pit of his stomach, that seemed to grow the more Rin seemed insistent on being present in a way that wasn't just passive.

The weather this week has been dogshit, frankly. More than the rain pelting against the window and keeping him up, it suddenly becomes a mental ordeal to make sure Rin is alright. Ai doesn't want to coddle - Rin's grown, after all. But when it's the fifth night in a row and Ai knows they're both wide awake, his instinct finally wins out.

He sits up slowly in bed; he has the curtains pulled for obvious reasons, but as he shifts a bit to be able to pry one of the curtains back, faint lightfall from the lamps across the street cast long lines through their apartment. The storm isn't letting up at all; Ai sighs quietly, sitting back in his bed as he lets the curtains fall closed again, back against the wall.

He turns to look into the apartment, at Rin. It wasn't his intention to lock eyes, but he's also not surprised to see Rin had the same instinct; quietly, Ai smiles.

"I can't sleep at all." No reason to keep up a facade anymore; it's an open invitation to confide. He can faintly see the glow of Rin's phone bouncing off his countenance; Ai wonders what all he's looking at. "Are you alright?"

[buttterfly]

Ai is too kind. They're too in sync sometimes.

He's sure it's impossible for Ai to have slept through the last few nights entirely. It's probably either Rin jolting himself awake, thunder shaking the house or somewhere in the distance, or the rain sounding more akin to hail during the more intense moments. He feels bad for the things he can and can't control.

Because Rin sees the sympathetic kindness in his eyes, shrouded by the moonlit room. The curtain shift allowed a glimpse outside. Torrential, much as it has been the last few nights. Something in Rin sinks. He's got half a mind to start digging through his bag, and find those stupid sleeping pills that might or might not be expired at this point. His times sucked yesterday, and if this rain keeps up, they'll probably keep tanking. And he can't afford that. Not now, not when the opportunity for an international stage is so close.

He smiles wearily at Ai, weakly waving him off. Like everything was fine and nothing was wrong. Just tired. That's all he wants to convey here. He knows Ai has seen some of those darker moments, when the nightmares were more violent and intense but.

"Uh, sorry if I woke you. Couldn't sleep for shit either."

But Ai asks him, because it's Ai and he always puts the wellbeing of Rin first. "...yeah. I'm okay." He doesn't say alright, or fine or anything else. Because those would be a lie. Rin's just exhausted in more ways than one. His brain is fraying at the edges, and his mind feels soggy with the weight of the rain outside.

[taeru]

Rin seems-- well. Yeah, he seems okay. If there had been a building concern, the ease with which Rin dismisses him tells Ai that if he is swirling a bit, he can handle it. Ai shakes his head once.

"No, it wasn't you. Just outside." It was the truth, though a non-negligible part of his psyche is aware Rin's been really going through it on account of his lack of sleep lately, and Ai's mounting concern likely contributed some to being restless.

Getting out of bed doesn't seem like the right play - a stubborn part of Ai wants to believe that if he just wills himself hard enough he can fall asleep, surely. But the better part of him that is restless, exhausted, unawake, and conscious all at once wants to be busy with something. Making tea sounds nice. Or fetching one of his books. The issue is those really only serve him, and Ai is very aware he and Rin share the same problem. What to do...

He has a thought, though it doesn't feel appropriate. Sharing a bed when you're barely-met teenagers working through some amount of storm-related trauma during a restless night was permissible, but is there a payoff now? I can't tell if he's lonely or not, comes the first voice of doubt. And if he is, I can't be the one to fix that, comes the second.

He rubs at his face, silver hair flying every which direction.

"Maybe I'll make a tea," spoken in a tired mumble. "Something warm might help." Do you want one? Can I help those eyebags even a little bit?

[buttterfly]

His existence is to minimize himself, pretend like he left no trace. It almost feels like a silent implication. I'm already making some, so. Rin bites his lip, and ventures to take up the tiniest bit of space, make his presence known beyond this futon he so meticulously rolls up every morning.

"Could I have some?" He regrets the words before they're even out of his mouth. He should just make it himself. He tacks on quickly. "Sorry, I can actually make it if you'd rather."

Rin hates the way he backpedals like this. But the exhaustion is crashing over him, heightening those emotions that are already so intense at times. He swallows, shoving his phone under his pillow, trying to put all those unread messages at the back of his mind.

[taeru]

Ai would never in his life venture to describe Rin as timid, and certainly not insecure, yet moments like these work tenfold to remind Ai that Rin is every bit human and fallible as the rest. Was it his exhaustion, or something else? It sparks Ai to want to try harder to give Rin more space to take up, best as he can.

So he reads between the lines and tosses Rin a small, tired smile his way before lazily stepping out of the bed.

"I could use some help, if you don't mind. The decaf is on the top shelf." Which he can reach himself anyway, if on his tip-toes, but. It was more about making it explicitly clear that he was as much pitching in for Rin as he was himself - that, and maybe helping to distract him a little. He catches the way Rin shoves his phone under his pillow, and at this hour, Ai can only wonder who he's talking to or what he's looking at that's fraying his already seemingly threadbare wherewithal.

[buttterfly]

"Sure." He agrees amicably, hauling himself out of the futon easily. He tries not to stare towards the window, tries not to compartmentalize all the rain slamming against the window pane. It's easy to slip back into that mindset of panic. But he's trying really hard.

He draws in a deep breath, stretching his arms above his head before he wanders over the kitchen, opening the cabinet and pulling the decaf tea down. He looks it over between his fingertips for a moment, before putting it on the counter and pulling down some of his own. Black tea from australia he's always liked. A mixture of orange peel, cranberry and something spicy. Kind of reminds him of Christmas. And it's not like caffeine is going to keep him up anymore than whatever is brewing outside will.

Sleep. Who is she? Ugh. He rubs his eyes, stepping out of the kitchen and leaning against the wall blearily.

"Feels like it's going to rain forever at this point."

[taeru]

Ai doesn't mean to monitor Rin as if hawking for any further signs of distress, slipping into old back-bending habits like a sleeper agent instinct, but he can't help it. It is his nature to worry and fret, and it's in all the subtleties of the way Rin barely takes up space, barely engages, seems baseline uncomfortable that stokes Ai to be present in whatever way, meaningful of otherwise, he can be.

Rin rounds to the wall and Ai sets his kettle to boil, taking out two mugs - they do not match and given the designs may have both been gifts from other people - and placing one bag of decaf green in one, and one of Rin's black tea in the other. Then, it was only a matter of waiting; Ai shifts over some to be out of the way of the mugs, and with a small hup! hoists himself up onto the counter, sitting with his hands in his lap and his ankles gently crossed.

"It isn't even typhoon season. We're just getting unlucky." He looks to the window on the far wall, watching the rain assault the glass. Ai closes his eyes blearily and rubs his neck, "I think I was dreaming. I remember being in the pool at Iwatobi, but it was empty. But I saw the water above me. I could hear voices of your friends but couldn't tell who." Idle chatter barely ever went anywhere, but it's Ai's modus to chat regardless; if nothing else, it could give Rin something to focus on other than the rain, even if it's at the cost of being mildly annoyed.

[buttterfly]

"Unlucky is one way to put it."

Rin gripes, rolling his shoulders with a groan. It's quiet for a beat, before Ai starts talking about his dream. It's a weird perspective to be on the opposite side of. Ai hearing Rin's friends of all people, at a place like that? Only a typhoon in not typhoon season could bring on such a phenomena.

He waits for the tea to brew wordlessly, letting himself lean against the wall posture slackened.

"That's a weird as shit dream, Ai." Rin says bluntly, a laugh curling just around the edges of his tone. "Did it feel weird? Like dark, or lonely or anything? Or were you just subject to Nagisa whining to Rei about something? Now that sounds like some nightmare fuel."