[double standards apply when someone has been so blindsided that they forget how many hundreds of thousands of people on earth find themselves tangled in similar circumstances. sometimes even closer than expected...
though sousuke rolls his eyes when ai gives that stiff little bow, nudging the back of ai's leg as he lets the door close behind them. his own bed is tucked away under the window. an amicable decision considering ikuya sleeps with a face mask to block out any sliver of light through those blackout curtains, and closer to the bathroom which...worked out especially well after how hammered he got last night. sousuke seems satisfied with ai making himself comfortable though, as he lazily kicks off his own shoes and stalks off towards his bed, letting himself flop onto it with a sigh.
...though ai's seemingly out of nowhere question (it's not) makes him pause momentarily. his expression doesn't dwindle, but instead shifts up towards the ceiling. he scoots back on his bed a little, letting his back press against the wall underneath the windowsill. to any normal observer, his gaze might seem normal, but. certainly to anyone really looking there's something flitting across his expression]
Depends on what you mean.
[sousuke shrugs. there's no other way to answer it. no he never stopped thinking about rin. yes he stopped thinking about him like That. tried to let go of his swelling jealousy over that other shade of blue, that fire that's been lit elsewhere.
despite the roaring temptations throughout the years to close that gap. to bury in some desire. but he's glad he never did--glad he's not in ai's shoes right now. though that circumstance is something else entirely. something that could only be described as some cruelty of the universe]
...sort of.
[he rubs the back of his neck with a sigh, letting his gaze settle back towards ai]
Can't say I would've been able to keep it in if I were in your shoes, though.
[Ai listens, and doesn't look at Sousuke as he does. Doesn't have to; he trusts Sousuke to communicate what he needs to with his words, and Ai has found with time it is often the case with this senior of his in particular that what is left unsaid is often where the power and impetus of a sentence really is.
Which leaves him-- uncertain, and maybe disappointed. Of course he'd been hoping for a yep, I'm cured of red or something. I learned to love again or It was easy to leave it all behind. Ai so badly yearned for that kind of reassurance and model placed in front of him, because--]
I don't know how to do it.
[Without him in the center of it all. Ai wishes he could have just called it an unrelenting childhood friendship; unfortunately, he was lost from the onset. Let friendship become synonymous with feelings that were anything but, for so many years. Untangling the two seemed, right now, like an impossible task. Moving on synonymous with leaving behind the myriad parts of his life currently wrapped up in Rin. So many friendships. Competitive swimming. His god damn apartment!
He leans forward to press the heels of his palms into the sockets of his eyes. He isn't crying; more, it's as if he's trying to push away the headache of it all. Presses both of his hands flat to drag them up and over his forehead, through his hair, which now lays unkempt in the wake. His hands once again link near his ankle, and Ai turns his cheek on top of his knee, looking at the hotel wall plaster.
One big breath in. One long sigh out.]
It'd be easier if I didn't,
[They both know. Ai sucks air back into his lungs and continues his thought,]
-- Because. Before that moment in time, I never really cared to imagine or want for something different. That kind of hope, it's dangerous. Before then, maybe it'd be simpler, like you.
...
[A guilt weighs on him. Ruining a good thing. Tanking his most cherished friendship. Likely ruining Rin's most trusted confidant. Ai's knuckles turn white, how tightly they're gripping his skin.]
[if only sousuke could provide that kind of lie...maybe his own life would look a little different. but that's neither here nor there. it's just another page in the life of sousuke yamazaki. another page in ai, a novel that weaves so intricately, the rawness strikes anyone who lays eyes on it...
and he wishes he could give ai some sort of manual, step by step on how exactly to do that. it's even harder still, all being on a team together...vying for relay spots, their own interpersonal dramas over the last few months-- though selfishly, there's a small tug to close the distance himself to offer some reassurance. the little tryst they used to twist themselves into over locker room benches and dorm rooms when their dorm-mates were away pursuing their own lives and aspirations]
Nobody said life was simple.
[he ventured plainly, standing up, and crossing the distance. sousuke knows ai doesn't like pity. like people are looking down at him. and so sousuke doesn't offer it. just presses his hand on his shoulder, not sparing him a glance but fixing his gaze out the window. like some far off memory was flooding past the window pane]
God knows mine isn't.
[he laughs very softly, a barely there thing. before he squeezes ai's shoulder and lets go, pushing his hand back into his pocket. he shrugs at ai dwelling over his times of all things. and while yes, the road to athens felt like the whole world...there would be others. they hadn't peaked yet. there was still another shot. and with ai's stamina? hell, there might be many, many more to come. coupled with that bold determination that leaked from a certain redhead they both knew...]
They're just times. They'll be better another day.
[he sighs, rubbing the back of his neck]
...least you've got times recorded today. Gonna get my ass chewed tomorrow...
[maybe. there were plenty of hungover slobs who probably didn't haul themselves down to the pool either. and miyakawa would surely clip them with her clipboard, chastise them and make them freestyle lap until they dropped.
such was the life of a professional athlete.
sousuke leaned against the armchair, crossing his arms, as he tilts his gaze up towards the ceiling. it's quiet for a minute. before he decidedly sighs, and finally looks down at ai]
Just keep being you.
[he picks at ai's shirt, like he was smoothing out a wrinkle before pulling his hand back again, gesturing to the bed closest to the window]
Bed's there if you need it. Doubt Kirishima would care if you used his either though.
[They're just times. Ai has half a mind to huff and level Sousuke with a leer, but finds he doesn't even have the energy to expend for it. But let the record show the sordid, sour thought that flitted through his mind was simple: easy for a gold medalist to say.
It'd be a cover for the truly worrying thoughts swirling only barely deeper. About if it was worth it anymore. What finding or reshaping motivation will look like. About how much easier it'd be to quit, leave it all behind, start fresh somewhere where his entire life isn't caught up in the undertow of one bad decision. Unfortunately for him, Ai isn't capable of quitting. His self-hatred rarely turns inward to scorn himself for his better qualities, but on this occasion, he finds himself thinking over and over and over and over and over how much easier it'd all be if he was just a slightly worse version of himself.
One he can tackle, though, is feeling like a nuisance. Burdening Sousuke with his morose company, and leveling him with such heavy questions, it was unfair. And because Ai is perceptive, he can tell Sousuke is trying to fight the urge not to coo you poor thing or something similarly condescending and pitiful. Not because Ai is worthy of pity, but because the situation is pitiful! He's appreciative, however, of Sousuke's attempts to bridge that gap. Between Ai's guilt, and Sousuke's outlook. Grateful for the hand on his shoulder and the weight leaning against the chair, present without asking to be.
Right. That elicits a thought, as sour as the rest.]
I shouldn't stay for too long. Then that'd make two of us who looked to you like a scapegoat, and I'm not sure I could live with that either.
[Guilt, guilt, guilt. Ai leans over, unabashedly and wholly leaning his bodyweight on the silhouette of Sousuke's arm and side. Turns his head outward to bury it against him, even. Of all things, it elicits an anxiety response first. Asking, seeking, begging, all the things every single nerve in his body is programmed not to do. But after a second, his shoulders relax; his breathing slows. And he does the unthinkable, and allows himself the indulgence of a friend's reassurances. Without the veneer of a tryst, and without the motivation of outrunning something. Just raw, human-to-human.]
The next time we talk, I want it to be normal. I want to ask how your day was, and I want you to tell me a story about how you got back to the hotel late because you got turned around. I want to tell you about the food I ate, and I want us to laugh at our broken French. I don't want to think about Rin-senpai, or Nanase-san, or swimming.
[He hangs his arm just barely over the armrest; it's enough to collect Sousuke's hand into his.]
Thank you for being my friend. I'll try to be a better one soon, I promise.
[he might be a gold medalist. but ai's well being trumps that every day. and if sousuke knew what self deprecation ai was slipping into, he might whack him upside the head.
and like sousuke can read ai, he picks up on it. the moment it slips. i shouldn't stay for too long. he raises a brow, eyes hardening a bit. even if the sourness was completely withheld from ai's tone, sousuke would know it was there. even if ai tittered that everything was fine, he was over it and times were the only thing that mattered, sousuke would know it was false.
there's something almost glum. a less than beautiful thing in the art of knowing somebody so intimately. sousuke wonders sometimes...in all the time they spent together, can ai perceive rin in the same fashion?
...can rin?]
I'm nobody's scapegoat.
[and the tone matches that. he'll perceive himself as he wishes to. and it's almost an insult that ai spirals into such a point that he unknowingly throws an insult like that out there. sousuke is his own. he won't let himself be used. he wants to be there for the people around him, the people he loves and cares about. even when it's finding nanase half dead on the side of the road...he'll be there.
and he takes the pressure, and returns it in kind. tightens his hold on the back of ai's head, keeping him there. maybe there's something selfish in it. he wants ai to take. be greedy. and he's glad he finally, finally is sinking into what sousuke is offering. and wants to offer]
You will.
[he offers, the smile evident in his tone]
You'll be a better friend doing all that, and letting yourself be bummed about things that matter. Easy as that.
[sousuke tries to step down, bury his face against ai's head and draw him closer in turn. he's not a touchy feely person. he doesn't think ai is much either. but there's something in it. something so achingly simple as the embrace or reassurance of another. it's not pity. and he trips over his own guilt lingering and holding this back to start. maybe ai's not the only one who needs a few lessons in the magic of friendship sometimes.
they'll learn together. they always have. he squeezes ai's hand]
Don't let idiots get you down when you're at the top of the world.
[It is exactly because Ai can perceive Rin so viscerally and closely that he's arrived at this exact juncture. Whether or not Rin can do the same for himself remains to be seen, and Ai and Sousuke both have it on seemingly good authority that if Rin's perception of the people around him is any good, he hasn't been good at doing something about it.
That was really the issue. The problem both Sousuke and Ai shared: trying. Trying to do something about it. Both separately learned that flames that burn too hot oftentimes don't respond well to being told their wick won't last long.
He can't so easily accept Sousuke's words, but he'll listen. He'll pocket them for later. It isn't that Ai is unwilling to process all that's happened, the circumstance just leads him to feeling as if it'd be a bad idea. Close quarters, practice with a clear goal... This wasn't home. This wasn't off-season. This was high focus and stakes, and Ai's just about set himself up for failure. So, he doesn't respond; he doesn't have it in him to lie, never has. But he does squeeze Sousuke's hand a bit tighter, leans into the grip Sousuke has on his head a little more.
What makes his shoulders hitch and elicits his flight response is what Sousuke says next. Because the thought that flits through his mind is too crystal clear for his comfort: I'm not so sure I want to climb that high anymore. If he said that out loud, what would Sousuke think? Ai already colours himself a coward and a loser, he doesn't need a second voice in the room to say as much too. It was all just too daunting to think about. Ai wasn't a quitter, knows logically he'll keep applying himself recklessly. But where he had been climbing with a team and ice anchors and studded shoes before, now he's bare. It's terrifying. It's lonely.
Would Ikuya notice if Ai forfeits the relay spot after all?
No good. I can't dwell like this. Ai reluctantly pulls himself off from Sousuke, sitting up. Appreciatively smooths over his wrist with his thumb. And then stands up, laying his sweater down neatly, and padding over to the room mirror to check how bad his face is. Thankfully, the post-cry puffiness has mostly gone down, as has the redness. If he can hold it together just a little longer, maybe his return to the room from hell can be completely benign and if either of them are awake or present, they can all mutually pretend nothing happened.
Ai takes a deeeep breath. Exhales a loooong sigh.]
Thank you. [This time when he sighs, it's in that resigned way of his.] I should head back, I think.
...
[The ambience kills him, but it had to start at some point. Ai pads to the front of the room to toe his shoes back on.]
I'll probably be at the pool more often than our call sheets. Sousuke-senpai, if you want to get extra laps in, I'd be happy for you to train with me.
[for a long time, he's content to just moon around that hallway. every now and again, teammates pass by. but nobody comes down--going back to explore the town after practice, practice some more or sleep off the jetlag and hangovers. really, everyone is giving them a little too much grace. but with freedom comes a certain dexterity.
or that's how it should be at least.
even with the freedom from something rin has crawled headfirst into, it doesn't feel dexterous. there's no laxness. it just feels taut, like something is about to snap and drag him down. the tears have long since dried up, and his head hurts. dehydration, lack of sleep, a hangover, it's all a bitch isn't it? even worse with some deep resonating guilt that threatens to eat you alive.
but eventually, things come back into focus. and despite the pain, there's a flicker of something. something deep down that rin tries to clamber for. because he's here for a reason. he's here to chase a dream. something he isn't quite sure is his dream anymore. but his dad's dream? that's something he can still claw towards. even if deep down, rin matsuoka isn't quite sure what his life looks like...
and so he pushes himself up off the ground, scrubs his face with the back of his arm. sucks in a deep breath. pushes aside the hurt, pushes aside the waves of guilt for everything he's caused. and the first thing? he goes right back to his their room, and like a magnet haru is at the door about to step out. they stiffen, and rin shoves at him and just says]
We need to talk.
[and for a while, they do. and for a while, it's fine. but then it turns tense like it always does. and that fresh well of hurt sears back into him. but it's fine. it always will be, somehow. and after everything is said and done, and haru excuses himself with a soft tone, rin sucks in a breath, and eagle spreads with his back on the bed the moment haruka lets the door click behind him and then. rin starts laughing.
it's so stupid isn't it? how all of this came to be? he's torn between the ugly laughing and stupid sobs of relief and frustration and bitterness coming out of him. how long ago could things have been fixed? been better? gone down a different road than the one he traversed down?
at some point during it all, rin's phone slipped out of his pocket onto the floor. and he lifts his head off the bed for a minute to glare daggers at it. before huffing and letting his head flop back against the mattress. he's tired. if he needed a drink any night, it would be tonight but. whatever. it doesn't even dawn on him to pick up his phone. it doesn't dawn on him to talk to anybody, because he thinks--
yeah. he might have done enough of that for the day. he thinks dimly, as he rolls over and pulls his blanket over his head]
There is, in fact, another vending machine outcove on Sousuke's floor, where Ai parks himself for about a half hour to gather his wits and play out scenarios in his head and, truthfully, wait out the clock. It had already been a bit late, but if he can wait even later, the chances of both Rin and Haruka already being asleep increases, and the chances of having to endure either of them acknowledging that Ai still exists decreases. It was the closest, most realistic substitute for counting down the days until he can leave, which feels like a spit in the face to all the effort he put in to even make it this far.
There is not a third wave of tears; there isn't gnashed teeth, balled fists. There may be, tomorrow, or even in the night, but right now Ai is too exhausted and still too heavily ruminating on all Sousuke had said to him to work up the energy to be that upset again. It's crisis mode; all pistons shut down completely except for the ones necessary to figure out a game plan.
And when he decides it's been long enough, Ai finally goes to the elevator. Rides it down to their floor. Walks quietly, in the desperate hope no one can sense him.
In front of the room door, Ai's heartrate lurches, the sudden BPM spike causing his gut to drop and his extremities to run cold. Long and calm and steady breaths turn to near-hyperventilation, the longer he stares down at the doorknob. Would it be permissible to just sleep here, in the hallway? Permissible to book a flight back ho--
Something deeper within him cuts it all short, suddenly wielding his keycard like a weapon and forcing the door to unlatch with a gentle beep. The part of him that, unfortunately, never quits, and always had a way of cutting through the bullshit. And he could still walk away, still lay down and pretend he could put it all off indefinitely, but the pragmatic part of him knows whoever is in the room would have heard the door unlatch, so.
Quietly, he pushes it in. Only enough to just barely shoulder in through the smallest possible gap he could create between the door and the wall. Holds onto the knob as he lets the door close again as quietly as possible behind him. Keeps his eyes to the floor; he can sense someone is in the room, but isn't gonna lift his head to make sure. All he knows is the lights are off and that is enough to give him the hope they're asleep.
As Ai silently walks to the edge of his bed - not bothering to change into pyjamas, as that might be critical time wasted making himself disappear under covers and critical noise gates created that might wake people up - he sees it. Plain on the floor just a couple feet away, in the aisle between Haruka and Rin's bed. Rin's phone. Which leads to his eyes naturally drifting up, and committing the cardinal sin of actually scouting out the room.
Haruka is gone. There is a lump in Rin's bed. And Rin's phone is on the floor. And the forensics suddenly matter so much less when there are no parts of him left to break.
A steady hand very quietly picks the phone up and places it on the bedside table closest to Rin's bed before Ai just as quietly absconds back to his.]
[he hears someone come back. and just assumes it's haru back from pouting (he'll deny it. it's fucking moping at its finest) and...waits? for something? not that rin has the slightest clue what, of course. but maybe he's banking on something more hopeful than whatever all of this has been. and it never comes. there's just a noise like something being put somewhere. probably just his phone or a glass of water or--
he tries to fall back asleep.
...only to be awaken by that ever nagging sound of the door unlocking via keycard on the other side. and that's when rin assumes it's ai. except the bathroom door closes, and the bathtub goes and. rin peers through the bleary edges of his vision, pushing himself up and looking around squinting. he's too exhausted to notice much, but...
his gaze lingers on the lump in ai's bed. ah. so that's who came back first. immediately, rin stiffens. why? he doesn't know! it's ai's room too! and he looks at the alarm clock on one of the bedside tables. that glaring red seeming more ominous in a tight environment. 2:57am jesus fuck, where has haru been?
...for a moment, rin wonders. but then he doesn't. and he instead glances back towards ai. and wonders. he didn't bother looking at the clock when ai came back. but that natural curiosity tugs at him. where did he go? after such a pitiful display by rin and agonizingly cruel words that ai all but had to drag out of him...he wonders if ai went to the pool. or went to sousuke. or maybe went out.
he flops back against the bed, burying his face in his pillow. he doesn't know how much time passes until he hears haru leave the bathroom, all he knows is he hears him go to bed in turn. and for a long while, rin can't fall back asleep. strung up with guilt and frustration and a helplessness, he tosses and turns over and over.
eventually, he finally settles. and slips into sleep around 4:30 or so. sleep deprived and bitchy is what awaits the world tomorrow. but is it really any different than hung over?
his alarm rips him from a dream he doesn't even remember and rin makes the most inhuman noise known to man as he fumbles for his phone. right. no time to waste. shit to do. wait. how did his phone get...he stares at it on the bedside table, and his gaze drifts over to--
whatever. he turns it off and flops back in bed, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes. the pressure a blessing in disguise. and so rin tries to will himself up to change into his running clothes. he has to pick himself up, dust himself off. get over this hump that he is the inflicter of. he looks over and sees haru pulling the blanket over his head, and rin rolls his eyes, glancing towards ai...wondering if he...but if ai gets up, he'll get up. and so rin scoffs and goes to scrub the morning breath clean of his mouth]
[It's, of course, impossible to sleep. Mental and emotional exhaustion has put him out like a light before; unfortunately, it doesn't work in his favour this time around. It means Ai notices everything. The late hour at which Haruka returns, and the speed with which he goes into the bathroom. The length of time he's in there. Why is it so tense? If he didn't know better he'd almost assume Haruka was upset, or more distant than usual. Ai couldn't know he'd talked with Rin, nor could he know the contents of those conversations, but if Ai was left to guess, he would have expected something... Better. An outcome that favoured two of the three.
Ai has just nearly grasped the edges of unconsciousness when the sun begins to threaten to break through their pulled curtains; Rin's alarm drives the nail in. Ugh, Ai groans to himself mentally, I forgot to shift my alarm back. In all of the chaos of the day before, Ai neglected to set himself for even a modicum of success. It isn't that he wants to avoid Rin, exactly, but that Ai is eager to make himself as unavailable and small as possible. To get through the next week and some change with as little damage as possible. The easiest way to do that? Be seen as little as possible. Getting up earlier than the other two in the room meant getting to the pool faster meant being unavailable for longer... But.
Instead, as his head pounds and his eyes open to stare blearily at the inside flap of his duvet pulled over his head, Ai realizes he needs a plan B. Simple: just wait for Rin to leave the room. Then Ai can get up and start his morning and make a clean esca--]
be-beep! be-beep! be-beep! be-beep!
[His alarm says otherwise. Ai lets it ring for way too long before deciding that tormenting Haruka who is still very much asleep isn't worth it; at once he darts out from under his covers, grabs his phone, and mashes the silent button on his screen. Hell... He looks to the bathroom. It's too much pressure to stand there and wait, right? As if he's rushing Rin. Ai especially doesn't want to invite a conversation yet; everything is still too fresh. So evenly split between trying to front as if everything is alright and wanting to disappear. Turns out, those two attempts at reality are diametrically opposed to one another.
He cuts the difference; stays in bed, duvet under his arms. But, his back is turned toward the bathroom, facing the front door. Paying Rin his privacy and a silent I won't bother you, sorry. Probably two, three more minutes and he'll get up...]
[sleep is for bitches. this is rin matsuoka, gold medal winning athlete. who has inadvertently fucked all of his friendships somehow since returning secretly to japan and trashing the confines of his own head. there's no outcome where it would be good. no good ending. well...maybe there is. but haru needed some space and--
--he fucking stabs the inside of his cheek at the sound of that alarm with his toothbrush, wincing at the sharp pain followed by menthal and shit shit shit that fucking burns! he spits the toothpaste out in a hurry, wincing as he tries to dip his mouth under the faucet and rinse it out. what a way to start the morning!!
in any sane verse, rin matsuoka would slam the door open and strangle haru and ai even if it was only one of their phones that went off. but unfortunately, in this one, he just grits his teeth and ties his hair back hastily, ignoring the blossom of pain from his cheek. wait. if he remembers actually, that's ai's alarm. because on what planet earth does haru set an alarm for himself? he either perfectly wakes up at the right time or doesn't wake up at all!! and there's been so many mornings that...his coffee shop shifts...
he tosses his toothbrush back in his bathroom bag and tosses it on some corner on the counter, stalking out of the bathroom. he glances over at ai's bed. the alarm went off, and haru's still in his burrito so he's awake...right? rin clears his throat, seeing the line of ai's back which. digs at something in him. what the hell is he doing?]
...morning.
[rin starts off with, sliding down the closet with his back against it, grabbing for his shoes. testing the waters. if ai doesn't answer him fine he'll just leave but. rin still feels that tenseness from the night before, the rawness of all those tears and...]
[Ai thinks he hears something being thrown or dropped in the bathroom. Quiet scoffs. Maybe curses? And then Rin is emerging and very clearly addressing him, because they're both aware by this point Haruka doesn't wake up for anyone but himself, and Rin surely knows Ai's alarm tune by now.
And the world doesn't screech to a halt. The sun doesn't explode, the universe doesn't combust. His gut doesn't even churn with that knot-like anxiety that wholly consumed him the night before. Ai can't tell if it's apathy, dissociation, or if it'll hit him later like a freight train once his body is able to process what his mind hasn't yet. Either way, he's able to conjure the wherewithal to roll over onto his back...
Sit up, and look at Rin. Ah, there it is. The lurch in his chest, as if all of him had seized on an elevator and gravity decided today was the day. More than his own latent angst, Ai is painfully aware something has transpired last night between Rin and Haruka, and isn't keen on making Rin's day any worse. It's easy, to slip into that smile he's gotten so so so used to putting on.]
Good morning, senpai.
[He keeps his voice quiet, cognizant of the third body in the room. More to fill the silence than because he wants to, Ai finally shifts out of bed; it'd become apparent to Rin in an instant that Ai never changed last night, still in jeans and a sweater. Nice jeans, the ones Ikuya said made his legs look longer. And a nice sweater, one Momo gifted him a year ago. What he couldn't have known would be his final attempt at normalcy, worn plain on his body still, like the gold and steel found on mountainside corpses.
He gets up because that's approximately four more seconds he can buy before feeling the instinct to fill the silence, because doing so alleviates the weight of it all for them both, and Ai, always perceptive, can tell Rin is. Trying. So.]
Going for a run? Careful, I think I saw it'd rain a little.
[He bows his head waaay too politely while skirting around Rin to get into the bathroom.]
[it's like rin can feel the moment whatever in ai lurches, accompanying with a seize through his own chest cavity.
but there's fact in it all. there's no screaming match or fists being raised...not that ai would ever in a million years. and rin thinks bitterly to the time he did raise his hand at ai and fist up his shirt and--]
Yeah.
[he answers dully instead, pulling his shoes on and redoing his laces as some means of stalling. testing the waters to see where ai is in his internal predicaments. it's just a run. it's nothing out of the blue. but ai's voice seems almost too cordial and reserved. and rin knows the feeling. knows what it's like to desperately try to squash yourself into nothing around someone to minimize the space you take up. and maybe that's what makes his chest clench even more.
the prospect of ai feeling like he has to do something like that at all. rin blinks at the clothing, but says nothing. because normally it would be easy to go late night, huh? but that seems gross and sour as it flitters through his head. so he too squashes that with a small cough]
It's not bad. Feels nice.
[trying to think less on a time where he ran out in the rain from sousuke's house, the nightmare that started everything...it would be so easy to laugh at himself right now. he really does hate himself. but similar to ai, he minimizes it, knotting off his laces and tucking them. he hesitates for a moment, scooting to give ai room to get to the bathroom and rubbing the back of his neck]
[It isn't that he doesn't want to run with Rin, but.
Isn't that he wants to completely erase himself from the spot he used to take up right at Rin's side. Not his intention to disappear completely, forever. It isn't that he doesn't want to run with Rin but that Ai doesn't know what to do, and spending more time together seemed counter-intuitive to the whole getting over it thing, so. He turns in the doorway, waiting until Rin's stood up so Ai can flash him that apologetic simper of his - this, too, will become increasingly more common in the coming days, no doubt.
Surely Rin can hear the sincere rueful delivery in his voice,]
I think I'll head straight to the pool today.
[And isn't that just a too-perfect delivery? Completely absolving Rin of any guilt (a new priority, Ai realizes); giving himself an easy out. Giving Rin a known place he'll be so he doesn't have to go into the same frenzy he did last night. If walking on eggshells was an Olympic sport, Ai would be a ten time winning gold medalist at this rate.
More than anything, though. More than anything, and especially now, he doesn't want to be treated differently. All of this, in fact, manufactured specifically to go back to the way things had been, once upon a time. Grant Rin the freedom to look past the veneer of the countless mistakes they'd both made together, a pile so high it was difficult to see over. So, he won't punish Rin for asking. Even if Ai can't discern for himself if Rin's genuinely wanting for his company, or throwing him a bone.
Mind made up and figuring Rin will just take off, Ai turns back into the bathroom, starting the sink to brush his teeth.]
it's tempting to put on a front, make a scene and fuss left and right over it. it's not like they always run together. but they did yesterday. they have in the past. and ai's tone really sells it. it's so carefully constructed that rin feels the slightest nudge might spread the pieces out every which way. and it's never been rin's intention to treat ai differently. far from it.
he's been the one staunchly trying to pretend it's all normal and hunky dory. when obviously that's the worst idea to grace them both. rin stares up at ai, expression devoid of much for a while. he glances over at the lump shifting in bed, before looking back at ai and--]
Yeah. Sure.
[giving ai his space. what he should have done. rin wonders if he had never reached out, never taken that offer after reconnecting. would they be in this predicament?
he groans, and tries not to gnaw at his lip, pushing himself up and giving ai on last glance]
[It's the same confusion as last night. A guilt, a disappointment that seems aimless. Is it that Rin feels bad Ai's turned down the offer, or just feels sour his attempt at an olive branch has been shut down at all? Ai could apologize until he's blue in the face, sorry, I'm sorry, I just need a little time, but it'd drive them in circles.
All the same he loathes that look on Rin's face. Blank, distant, away. And all his fault. If only he could have been a better friend, none of this would be part of their present circumstance. If only he could have been a little stronger--]
Have a good run.
[And then Rin's gone. And Ai knows he'll see him probably in about two hours. He knows the world won't stop spinning, the sun won't fall out of the sky. He made this exact choice, to stay in the bathroom and brush his teeth slower than he ever has and mentally recall his schedule to keep the tears at bay. And yet, agency or no agency, the yawning, hollow void in his chest yells and begs to be filled. Somehow. One step at a time, he guesses. Maybe the pool will help, if he can get over the whole seeing the same sight thing. Heavens know that's a bygone now.
Tooth brush poking out his mouth, Ai can't help but peek around the doorway to the other remaining lump in the bed. A mystery, as far as Ai is concerned. A blank space he doesn't know how to handle. Does Nanase have any idea the lengths Ai's gone to, for no reason other than knowing what path forward was objectively easiest? Ai often tries not to stick his nose in other peoples' business, but the vague, unidentifiable passivity radiating off the middle bed doesn't settle well. What happened last night?
Ai realizes he's being several times of unfair, and also is procrastinating, and spits and rinses with sudden alacrity. Figuring Nanase will remain asleep or "asleep", Ai takes the quickest route out of the room: changing right next to his suitcase, slipping his shoes on at the door, and then slipping out.]
[in actuality, the run itself is fine. he can work out his feelings, work up a sweat in the worst way. but at least well, he can take a different route than yesterday. one he doesn't have to think so hard on and remember all that. they seemed fine. and then rin just had to go and muck things up per fucking usual.
it's just what he's been doing since the very beginning, after all.
after running himself into the ground, he goes back to a very empty room and huffs, running his hand through his hair. it's tempting to lavish in the solitude for once. but then again, rin has never been a stranger to dorm living or living with others. solitude has never suited him but...maybe now the idea is tempting--
no. he has work to do.
he takes a few minutes to charge his phone, rinse himself off quick and change into swim gear and throws a few clothes over it. he laments at having to pretend like everything is fine poolside. but hopefully everyone is just too caught up in their own workouts to pay them much mind...still.
he gets to the pool, and it all seems normal. so normal, it makes him want to fucking laugh. because life carries on so easily, and like ai internalizes so easily. the sun isn't falling out of the sky. he sees haru powering through some laps, and immediately stops looking for familiar faces as he dumps his bag on one of the benches, peeling out of his clothes and pulling his goggles out of it. he makes the mistake of looking towards the stands and--
...sees azuma and mikhail casting a glance over at him.
he stiffens, and tries to ignore it, diving into the pool to warm up. the whole time he keeps his eyes to himself, not wanting to seek out any shade of blue. there's enough in the pool already]
[Ai was the first to the pool. So early in fact the god damn facility had hardly been opened yet for a few minutes. But his intentions were clear: run himself so ragged he had no option to consider anything but the exhaustion that settled into his bones. Swim so hard he'd have no choice but to sleep tonight. Swim so many laps and practice so many drills his mind can wipe clean of its agony and only focus on counting breaths and kicks.
It's nice, the first hour. Maybe one or two other people join, and not from their team. The mild contempt he's developed for the water forgotten under its gentle tow.
And then people start arriving. He isn't shocked Sousuke is among one of the firsts other than himself, though is a little surprised to see the younger Kirishima in tow, having assumed him to work more at his own tempo; Ai pauses at the wall to greet them both. The subtle pause after Sousuke asks everything going alright? isn't lost on him, though does seem to be lost on Ikuya, which is enough for Ai to know Sousuke hasn't said shit. Thank god. Ai decides it's as decent time as any to take a small hydration break, and gets out of the pool.
That's when management and coaches enter. So many he doesn't actually know the names of, but his uncle and his uncle's ex-situationship? Yeah. It isn't lost on Ai that Mikhail doesn't approach him on the poolside bench, either. Whether his intuition is so sharp he knows something has happened, or his nephew is that far off his radar as far as swimming is concerned, Ai can't tell. Either way, he's never been more eager to get back in the water, and so his half-empty canister remains unlidded on the bench as he gets back into a lane.
It's shortly after a second wave pours in. On a flip turn, Ai catches a glimpse of tell-tale black hair and how it dives into the far lane. And like curiosity does, it encourages Ai to pause at the wall for just a few seconds and scope for whether or not red is in tow. It isn't, and he isn't sure if he's frustrated, relieved, or both.
When Rin does arrive, Ai's already about four-thousand meters deep and still pushing. Slowly, but his form is decent. Should someone call time trials it'd probably be game over, though. Maybe it's for the best he doesn't notice Rin's joined; they both have the same idea, eyes nowhere else but either the bottom of the pool or the wall ahead.]
[similarly, rin is running himself ragged. after running himself ragged, he decides to let bygones be and swim himself into a state of exhaustion. it's a good method, after all. and an even better way to forget mikhail's gaze. he still hasn't forgotten that raw anger and disappointment over that phone call.
fuck. rin nearly veers out of his lane, and it isn't exactly lost on him the raven hair that's in the lane beside him...he grits his teeth, which just puts him into a more dizzying frenzy. it's supposed to be just a warm up. and that's exactly what he intends on keeping this. even if everything in him is nagging to either pick up the pace, or cast a glance elsewhere to see where his teammates are littered about.
but apparently haru doesn't get the message. and they settle whatever transpired last night like they always do. in the pool.
even through the numbing exhaustion and mental anguish, they swim like they always do. with everything they have in them. though rin is filled with a silent fury when haru slaps the wall a tenth of a second ahead of him. and silently they go at it again and again. until even haru pulls himself out of the pool after casting rin a sidelong glance, once filled with concern and...something else.
not that rin is looking to decipher it as he goes back to practically drowning himself in lieu of manning up and facing the music of his actions. through the fog, he knows ai is pushing himself similarly. and rin doesn't know whether to swell with pride or fucking hate himself more at the prospect.
...no. rin fully intends to keep going until he can barely stand.
and so he does. pushing himself to his absolute limits, the very thing he and azuma had chastised haru for. but this is different. everytime he catches mikhail or sousuke or anyone's gaze when he comes up gasping for air, he meets it with narrowed eyes. something that says got a problem? i'm fine before he dives back in.
he doesn't know how long he's been going. all he knows is he is groaning as he hoists himself out of the pool, and is on his knees panting harshly. he hears sousuke and ikuya walking by, don't ask him how he knows it before he hears their voices but. there's concern from sousuke, and while ikuya's comment is concerned, it still holds the barb of their normal quips. rin just laughs, swallowing down air]
Can't get better without hard work, right?
[and sousuke rolls his eyes. "don't want to hear about your bum shoulder if you push it too much." and rin laughs, though there's a level of unease in it because. well, that's a grim reality isn't it?]
[The cacophony of someone pushing the limit over and over and over is hard to ignore in the pool, especially when most people are focused on drills and slower, more disciplined, less splashy rudiments. Ai doesn't have to look over to know what's going on.
Does his already abysmal pace drop even slower? Maybe. Breast is harder to maintain at such a leisurely pace, though; his form suffers for it. His head pulls up too high, his legs kick too wide to keep the buoyancy. He accidentally swats his lanemate coming down the opposite way with a too-wide recovery. Ah, I'm sorry, is barely squeaked, before Ai just about gives up. Very literally rolls onto his back and finishes his lap not even pulling, just kicking with his legs. Vaguely somewhere he can hear a the hell?, but can't tell the voice, neither can he discern if it's in relation to his current shitshow or to whatever pissing contest is going on in the far end of the pool. Or mating ritual. Whatever.
Someone less knowledgeable might call him a copy cat, the way he breaks into a front crawl instead after coming to the wall. But someone with a finger on the pulse will know that crawl is the stroke that keeps one's head under the water for the longest, especially with three-pulse breathing. It's so much easier to drown all of it out. The splashing, the eyes, the implications.
Does he plan on being the first to arrive, last to leave? With any luck. This, too, isn't unusual; Nitori Aiichirou always had to pour in more hard work to account for the seemingly natural skill most of their teammates seemed to be equipped with. And didn't have the nicety of a coach to cut out the fat. The masquerade is pretty simple, then - obviously he's pushing past burnout fever because he has to, and not because he's avoiding the waking world in the most productive way possible.]
[after he waves sousuke and ikuya off, he glances back towards the pool. and he can't help it. the way his gaze trickles over ai swimming...of all fucking things...
it's no surprise. to some who don't pay attention it might sure. but it was something ai excelled in. long distance most of all. and rin selfishly takes in that sight for a moment, while he's catching his breath. he can't quite place what he's feeling. a numbness overall, sure. but there's a spark of...something. but that something quickly dies because as soon as he pushes himself to his feet, he catches his other roommate's gaze and.
well.
rin scoffs and lets his gaze trickle back over to the pool. rin is imagining the same thing. ai first to arrive. ai last to leave. rin can't even chide him for overdoing it. because to ai? it's not. not by a long shot. he can go go go. like some damn energizer bunny. a slept on skill in team japan, and hopefully one miyakawa and the other coaches are keeping an eye on. still...
exhaustion wins out. and he shakily pulls his clothes on after drying himself off. he'll shower off later, doesn't want to be in a public locker room all of a sudden. there's too much chance for--
"rin."
it breaks through his thoughts, and rin doesn't even need to translate or wait for haru to finish. he just stuffs his towel in his bag, and stalks off back towards their room. and. well.
one thing leads to another.
and as rin blinks up at the blurred ceiling, hearing haru spitting in the sink, all he can think of and feel is his mattress. he doesn't look for the sky and he doesn't look for the ocean. just nonsensical patterns in the ceiling as he shakily pulls the sheets over himself and curls up. he doesn't bother with feeling anything besides tired. he doesn't even know what time it is anymore. his stomach hurts for more reason than one, and he slips off to sleep. just a nap. just for a little while.
then he'll go back at it no matter what time it is. he doesn't care. let mikhail look at him like that again. he won't. not when he sees the effort rin is putting in]
[He makes sure every single last person has left. Not just Rin, not just Nanase. Everyone. Coaches and managers included. Family included. Confidants included. Doesn't notice if someone's looked back, doesn't care. Ai has a goal and he will see to it.
All for the better, anyway. Rin and Nanase's escapade happens while he's still in the water.
It's well past lunch hours by the time he does finally vacate the pool. Having pushed himself for so long, so hard, his legs border on gelatin, and Ai has to wobble over to the benches for a moment to sit and let the world stop spinning. And it's only then, left with nothing but his thoughts for the first time since waking up, that it dawns on him. How empty it feels. How aimless it feels, looking ahead and no longer seeing anything to chase.
The welling behind his eyes is his cue to get up and shower. Another too-long affair. Passively Ai wonders if he'll ever be able to take another shower in his life without the image of Rin's back leaving out the door flashing in his head. His weakest moment. Ai nearly breaks the faucet with how emphatically he's shut the water.
Still mentally categorizing the room as a warzone, Ai instead heads into the town. He planned for this, day clothes on his body, sports bag packed more compactly than usual. He has to eat something, and ducks into the closest place that has a menu that isn't fifty percent cheese by volume. It's only as he eats he realized he did that practice on an empty stomach. Is it possible he could push even further if he actually remembered to eat breakfast tomorrow?
Over his meal, he texts Sousuke.
>>The fish here is good. >where you at >>Some place not far. It has a blue awning. >you swam hard today >>I think I might quit.
The thing about warzones is they require gunfire and troops to be considered active, so. Though Ai does a good job of ambling around on his own - a library, some sightseeing - eventually, he has to return to the hotel. Nine PM is what his phone tells him; a far cry for either Rin or Nanase to be asleep. The elevator ride up is spent counting his breaths.
He cards himself, waits three seconds, squeaks out a sorry for the intrusion and finally weasels his way in.]
[he doesn't know how long he's out. doesn't care. what tugs him out of his delusional, bleary state is ai's voice. rin jerks himself up, eyes wide. he stares at the door, conflicting emotions warring in his sleep addled brain. there's some well of relief, curdled alongside something akin to panic. he doesn't even know what he's freaking out about but--
well. maybe the guilt festering towards that squeaked out tone is what does him in. he'll never say it. but maybe ai was toeing on broken glass for once with some validity. rin scrubs his eyes with the back of his hand, pushing himself up into a more tangible state. haru's (...presumably) in the bath, and it's just the two of them. rin grits his teeth as he pushes his hair back]
...hey.
[he settles on, his voice still a little gruff from sleep. a small yawn slips through, and rin tries to let his vision focus back in...shit. his gaze lands on one of the glaring reds of the alarm clock, and he stiffens]
You have a good night?
[rin tries, he tries with all his might this time. is genuinely interested. maybe he went out with ikuya or sousuke or somebody. rin wants to hear about it, desperately craves some semblance of whatever relationship he fucking tarnished beyond feasible repair. but his interest is momentarily sidetracked by a loud knock on the door. and rin freezes, staring over at the hard expanse of wood behind ai's back. he doesn't answer, he doesn't know if ai does either. there's a discernible splash in the bathroom like dolphin boy just surfaced at the noise but.
and when nobody answers, it happens again. and so rin swallows heavily, pushing himself out from his sheets, tank all twisted and tugging his boxers up a little bit from where they were hanging so low on his hips. treat him normal, treat him normal. it's just a little fucking clothes slipping from thrashing around in his sleep. that's all. rin casts a wayward glance at ai, and the knock comes again.
"Come off it. I know you three are in there."
...azuma? rin freezes, staring at ai and back at the bathroom door. he doesn't immediately hear the water in the tub draining, but it's there. and so rin shakily tries to nudge himself past ai to open the door. and he's treated to none other than haru's coach standing in the doorway. he has...something hanging out of his pocket, but what surprises rin most is--]
...Sou?
[sousuke is there, alongside ikuya, hanging back. the younger kirishima looking scorned, like someone just slapped his nose with a newspaper, and sousuke well. looking worse for wear, but the look he levels rin with is haunting to say the least. but suddenly there's a piece of paper shoved in rin's face and.
"All of you might want to consider how you're dealing wtih this."
and rin's gaze flits between words that are too close for him to properly read. but oh that's not all. there's pictures too and--
his heart lodges in his throat, and for once in his life, rin genuinely feels a thick well of terror. his fingers tug the paper away from his face. it looks like an email printout, some sort of pdf for something. it seems professional enough, which is the worst of it all but. the headline he can barely discern through the fog. his exhaustion, what transpired between him and haru and well. everything that's suddenly laid out for him.
there's a picture of him holding the door open to ai's apartment.
there's a picture of him slung over ikuya's shoulders.
worse still are the following two.
there's two set in a very familiar parking garage. the first makes rin want to puke. it was the split second of him and haru bumping their foreheads together in sousuke's car. and the second picture?
well. rin almost feels like he's intruding on something disgustingly private. because he stares over at sousuke, and wants to sob at how his friend immediately looks away from him.
it's such a touching moment. taken from afar, cars in the foreground more in focus than the two figures but. it's easy to see the tears in sousuke's eyes. even easier still to see the tenderness in which ai touches his face. and the big blocky letters at the top. seemingly more professional than whatever voicemail had been left on his phone but.
team japan - fierce competitors, or something more?
...rin can't even look at the rest as he hears haru push out the bathroom door, and immediately freeze. doesn't need to see it or hear it, can just feel it. and immediately rin doesn't look to haru. he looks to ai. can't even make out the muted sound of azuma's voice. all he can see is the well of tears in his own eyes]
[Which doesn't answer the question of if he had a good night, because he doesn't want to give the honest answer with Nanase in earshot and Rin very clearly. Trying. Trying for normalcy, which is all Ai wants, and so Ai has to too. It was normal for him to wear his heart upon his sleeve, once upon a time, but not so much in recent years. It was normal for him to sidestep the full story when he knew Rin might get hung up on details. Especially recently, it was normal for him to disarm and dodge.
He barely walks in past the door, barely has the coherency to begin trying to say something with more substance to maybe aid Rin in this whole normalcy thing. Unfortunately, the rap at the door beats him to it, so unexpected he visibly jolts.
--
Ai doesn't need to see the contents. All he needs is Rin's twisted, messed up, pained, guilty, ruthlessly self-loathing expression. He doesn't have to look to know Sousuke's just minimized himself in a way he never does.
His blood pumps so fast from the anxiety spike he can nearly feel his palms vibrating, yet still wills himself to grab the paper and flip through it for himself. The day he and Rin were fresh off the heels of Rin's return. Of friends having a good time. Of reconnection. Of co-misery.
The tension in the room is thick enough to be sliced with a sword, and yet. It's so easy. Finding the solution is so easy because, Ai realizes, he's already written all of it off. Without that dream, without Rin ahead of him, without their aligned priorities, none of it meant anything anymore. Ai was willing to kill it all, if it means Rin doesn't have to do the same. If Rin is willing to set the whole world ablaze to get what he wants, Ai will be the one putting it all out, one pail of water at a time.
Calmly, Ai turns to face Azuma, eyebrows knit with what could be construed as genuine confusion. There's a cant of Ai's head to accompany it, as Ai makes a show of flipping through the images again, before shaking his head.]
Isn't that Team Japan's strength? That everyone is a close friend. [Ai cants his head again, and purses his lips.] It's wrong to weaponize deep friendship between male athletes. It sends the wrong message.
[Ai holds his hands out to pass the pdfs back. His expression turns determined, almost obstinate, as he mentally prepares for being the fall man.]
We have a duty to each other. I want to openly support and love the friends I've made on this team. If I can't do that, then I don't think this is leadership I want to swim for anymore.
Edited (homophone moment) Date: 2026-03-06 05:34 am (UTC)
[maybe shock is what has rendered him completely useless. ai plucking the papers from his hand like they were never there to begin with. he's still staring blankly. and there's guilt a plenty. every now and again there was that feeling, especially after that fucking voicemail. that someone was watching or following. and in a place so busy as the streets just outside ai's apartment, well. maybe rin should have trusted his gut more, stopped going out...
but hiding is never the answer either.
he doesn't know where to land his gaze. it flits between everyone effected. ikuya rubbing his arm. sousuke staring at the carpet like it might light on fucking fire and give him an out with the intensity of his gaze. haru just standing there like he always does. though there's a slight tick in his jaw to show even he isn't unaffected. and well of course at the center of this whole thing is fucking ai.
speaking coherently, like he is the only one with a brain. rin's bitched at azuma before and felt the wrath and fury of it. he never would again, and he doesn't know how ai can stand his ground so easily, stare at him so determined. it makes that knot furl tighter in rin's throat. and he just about chokes out a sob that sounds like something else entirely]
Ai--
[he watches azuma snatch the papers back, expression wholly unchanged as he regards ai. and then shoots a glare over at haru, and practically smacks him in the nose with the papers. haru huffs and takes them as azuma stuffs his hands in his pockets. well of course haru was always going to get the brunt of this. and mikhail already well...]
I--I'm sorry.
[rin stiffly bows much too sharply, trying to level out his breathing. this is all his fault. he's trashed his friends names and reputations. if he had just stayed in sydney...he doesn't even know who the apology is directed at at first. sousuke? haru? ikuya?
...ai? azuma?
rin's teeth are sinking into his lip so hard there's a tang of copper coating his tongue. he wants to spit, wants to crawl back into bed and pretend this just never fucking happened. because he hears something most of all, that instills that panic. i don't think this is a leadership i want to swim for anymore. and rin stares at ai from the corner of his eye, something almost pleading as azuma huffs.
"the JSF is fair. but isn't going to take this lying down, you know. they've got an image to uphold. and you idiots need to watch yourselves. that's part of a conservative country."
azuma seems to be leveling ai with that comment as he huffs and whips around stiffly. his head hangs low as he mutters to himself. and leaves everyone else in the dust. and rin thinks back on the things haru has told him about azuma's life and...oh. he stares over at the two in the hallway, who seem to take the dismissal. sousuke stalks off without another word, ikuya pauses to glance over at haru and say night before he too wanders off. which just leaves...
"i'm going to the pool."
...big fucking surprise, as haru pushes past rin and makes his way downstairs. like he didn't just get out of the bath. rin grits his teeth and a fuck you slips between his teeth before he scrubs at his face for an entirely different reason now, and stiffly makes his way back into their room. that sentence keeps playing over and over in his head. almost pounding in his eardrums. i don't think this is a leadership i want to swim for anymore. and rin just about slaps his hands over his ears, like that will make it go away]
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no subject
Date: 2026-02-17 03:07 am (UTC)though sousuke rolls his eyes when ai gives that stiff little bow, nudging the back of ai's leg as he lets the door close behind them. his own bed is tucked away under the window. an amicable decision considering ikuya sleeps with a face mask to block out any sliver of light through those blackout curtains, and closer to the bathroom which...worked out especially well after how hammered he got last night. sousuke seems satisfied with ai making himself comfortable though, as he lazily kicks off his own shoes and stalks off towards his bed, letting himself flop onto it with a sigh.
...though ai's seemingly out of nowhere question (it's not) makes him pause momentarily. his expression doesn't dwindle, but instead shifts up towards the ceiling. he scoots back on his bed a little, letting his back press against the wall underneath the windowsill. to any normal observer, his gaze might seem normal, but. certainly to anyone really looking there's something flitting across his expression]
Depends on what you mean.
[sousuke shrugs. there's no other way to answer it. no he never stopped thinking about rin. yes he stopped thinking about him like That. tried to let go of his swelling jealousy over that other shade of blue, that fire that's been lit elsewhere.
despite the roaring temptations throughout the years to close that gap. to bury in some desire. but he's glad he never did--glad he's not in ai's shoes right now. though that circumstance is something else entirely. something that could only be described as some cruelty of the universe]
...sort of.
[he rubs the back of his neck with a sigh, letting his gaze settle back towards ai]
Can't say I would've been able to keep it in if I were in your shoes, though.
no subject
Date: 2026-02-17 03:25 am (UTC)Which leaves him-- uncertain, and maybe disappointed. Of course he'd been hoping for a yep, I'm cured of red or something. I learned to love again or It was easy to leave it all behind. Ai so badly yearned for that kind of reassurance and model placed in front of him, because--]
I don't know how to do it.
[Without him in the center of it all. Ai wishes he could have just called it an unrelenting childhood friendship; unfortunately, he was lost from the onset. Let friendship become synonymous with feelings that were anything but, for so many years. Untangling the two seemed, right now, like an impossible task. Moving on synonymous with leaving behind the myriad parts of his life currently wrapped up in Rin. So many friendships. Competitive swimming. His god damn apartment!
He leans forward to press the heels of his palms into the sockets of his eyes. He isn't crying; more, it's as if he's trying to push away the headache of it all. Presses both of his hands flat to drag them up and over his forehead, through his hair, which now lays unkempt in the wake. His hands once again link near his ankle, and Ai turns his cheek on top of his knee, looking at the hotel wall plaster.
One big breath in. One long sigh out.]
It'd be easier if I didn't,
[They both know. Ai sucks air back into his lungs and continues his thought,]
-- Because. Before that moment in time, I never really cared to imagine or want for something different. That kind of hope, it's dangerous. Before then, maybe it'd be simpler, like you.
...
[A guilt weighs on him. Ruining a good thing. Tanking his most cherished friendship. Likely ruining Rin's most trusted confidant. Ai's knuckles turn white, how tightly they're gripping his skin.]
My times tomorrow are going to be horrible.
no subject
Date: 2026-02-20 03:30 am (UTC)and he wishes he could give ai some sort of manual, step by step on how exactly to do that. it's even harder still, all being on a team together...vying for relay spots, their own interpersonal dramas over the last few months-- though selfishly, there's a small tug to close the distance himself to offer some reassurance. the little tryst they used to twist themselves into over locker room benches and dorm rooms when their dorm-mates were away pursuing their own lives and aspirations]
Nobody said life was simple.
[he ventured plainly, standing up, and crossing the distance. sousuke knows ai doesn't like pity. like people are looking down at him. and so sousuke doesn't offer it. just presses his hand on his shoulder, not sparing him a glance but fixing his gaze out the window. like some far off memory was flooding past the window pane]
God knows mine isn't.
[he laughs very softly, a barely there thing. before he squeezes ai's shoulder and lets go, pushing his hand back into his pocket. he shrugs at ai dwelling over his times of all things. and while yes, the road to athens felt like the whole world...there would be others. they hadn't peaked yet. there was still another shot. and with ai's stamina? hell, there might be many, many more to come. coupled with that bold determination that leaked from a certain redhead they both knew...]
They're just times. They'll be better another day.
[he sighs, rubbing the back of his neck]
...least you've got times recorded today. Gonna get my ass chewed tomorrow...
[maybe. there were plenty of hungover slobs who probably didn't haul themselves down to the pool either. and miyakawa would surely clip them with her clipboard, chastise them and make them freestyle lap until they dropped.
such was the life of a professional athlete.
sousuke leaned against the armchair, crossing his arms, as he tilts his gaze up towards the ceiling. it's quiet for a minute. before he decidedly sighs, and finally looks down at ai]
Just keep being you.
[he picks at ai's shirt, like he was smoothing out a wrinkle before pulling his hand back again, gesturing to the bed closest to the window]
Bed's there if you need it. Doubt Kirishima would care if you used his either though.
no subject
Date: 2026-02-20 03:50 am (UTC)It'd be a cover for the truly worrying thoughts swirling only barely deeper. About if it was worth it anymore. What finding or reshaping motivation will look like. About how much easier it'd be to quit, leave it all behind, start fresh somewhere where his entire life isn't caught up in the undertow of one bad decision. Unfortunately for him, Ai isn't capable of quitting. His self-hatred rarely turns inward to scorn himself for his better qualities, but on this occasion, he finds himself thinking over and over and over and over and over how much easier it'd all be if he was just a slightly worse version of himself.
One he can tackle, though, is feeling like a nuisance. Burdening Sousuke with his morose company, and leveling him with such heavy questions, it was unfair. And because Ai is perceptive, he can tell Sousuke is trying to fight the urge not to coo you poor thing or something similarly condescending and pitiful. Not because Ai is worthy of pity, but because the situation is pitiful! He's appreciative, however, of Sousuke's attempts to bridge that gap. Between Ai's guilt, and Sousuke's outlook. Grateful for the hand on his shoulder and the weight leaning against the chair, present without asking to be.
Right. That elicits a thought, as sour as the rest.]
I shouldn't stay for too long. Then that'd make two of us who looked to you like a scapegoat, and I'm not sure I could live with that either.
[Guilt, guilt, guilt. Ai leans over, unabashedly and wholly leaning his bodyweight on the silhouette of Sousuke's arm and side. Turns his head outward to bury it against him, even. Of all things, it elicits an anxiety response first. Asking, seeking, begging, all the things every single nerve in his body is programmed not to do. But after a second, his shoulders relax; his breathing slows. And he does the unthinkable, and allows himself the indulgence of a friend's reassurances. Without the veneer of a tryst, and without the motivation of outrunning something. Just raw, human-to-human.]
The next time we talk, I want it to be normal. I want to ask how your day was, and I want you to tell me a story about how you got back to the hotel late because you got turned around. I want to tell you about the food I ate, and I want us to laugh at our broken French. I don't want to think about Rin-senpai, or Nanase-san, or swimming.
[He hangs his arm just barely over the armrest; it's enough to collect Sousuke's hand into his.]
Thank you for being my friend. I'll try to be a better one soon, I promise.
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Date: 2026-02-22 03:51 am (UTC)and like sousuke can read ai, he picks up on it. the moment it slips. i shouldn't stay for too long. he raises a brow, eyes hardening a bit. even if the sourness was completely withheld from ai's tone, sousuke would know it was there. even if ai tittered that everything was fine, he was over it and times were the only thing that mattered, sousuke would know it was false.
there's something almost glum. a less than beautiful thing in the art of knowing somebody so intimately. sousuke wonders sometimes...in all the time they spent together, can ai perceive rin in the same fashion?
...can rin?]
I'm nobody's scapegoat.
[and the tone matches that. he'll perceive himself as he wishes to. and it's almost an insult that ai spirals into such a point that he unknowingly throws an insult like that out there. sousuke is his own. he won't let himself be used. he wants to be there for the people around him, the people he loves and cares about. even when it's finding nanase half dead on the side of the road...he'll be there.
and he takes the pressure, and returns it in kind. tightens his hold on the back of ai's head, keeping him there. maybe there's something selfish in it. he wants ai to take. be greedy. and he's glad he finally, finally is sinking into what sousuke is offering. and wants to offer]
You will.
[he offers, the smile evident in his tone]
You'll be a better friend doing all that, and letting yourself be bummed about things that matter. Easy as that.
[sousuke tries to step down, bury his face against ai's head and draw him closer in turn. he's not a touchy feely person. he doesn't think ai is much either. but there's something in it. something so achingly simple as the embrace or reassurance of another. it's not pity. and he trips over his own guilt lingering and holding this back to start. maybe ai's not the only one who needs a few lessons in the magic of friendship sometimes.
they'll learn together. they always have. he squeezes ai's hand]
Don't let idiots get you down when you're at the top of the world.
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Date: 2026-02-22 04:09 am (UTC)That was really the issue. The problem both Sousuke and Ai shared: trying. Trying to do something about it. Both separately learned that flames that burn too hot oftentimes don't respond well to being told their wick won't last long.
He can't so easily accept Sousuke's words, but he'll listen. He'll pocket them for later. It isn't that Ai is unwilling to process all that's happened, the circumstance just leads him to feeling as if it'd be a bad idea. Close quarters, practice with a clear goal... This wasn't home. This wasn't off-season. This was high focus and stakes, and Ai's just about set himself up for failure. So, he doesn't respond; he doesn't have it in him to lie, never has. But he does squeeze Sousuke's hand a bit tighter, leans into the grip Sousuke has on his head a little more.
What makes his shoulders hitch and elicits his flight response is what Sousuke says next. Because the thought that flits through his mind is too crystal clear for his comfort: I'm not so sure I want to climb that high anymore. If he said that out loud, what would Sousuke think? Ai already colours himself a coward and a loser, he doesn't need a second voice in the room to say as much too. It was all just too daunting to think about. Ai wasn't a quitter, knows logically he'll keep applying himself recklessly. But where he had been climbing with a team and ice anchors and studded shoes before, now he's bare. It's terrifying. It's lonely.
Would Ikuya notice if Ai forfeits the relay spot after all?
No good. I can't dwell like this. Ai reluctantly pulls himself off from Sousuke, sitting up. Appreciatively smooths over his wrist with his thumb. And then stands up, laying his sweater down neatly, and padding over to the room mirror to check how bad his face is. Thankfully, the post-cry puffiness has mostly gone down, as has the redness. If he can hold it together just a little longer, maybe his return to the room from hell can be completely benign and if either of them are awake or present, they can all mutually pretend nothing happened.
Ai takes a deeeep breath. Exhales a loooong sigh.]
Thank you. [This time when he sighs, it's in that resigned way of his.] I should head back, I think.
...
[The ambience kills him, but it had to start at some point. Ai pads to the front of the room to toe his shoes back on.]
I'll probably be at the pool more often than our call sheets. Sousuke-senpai, if you want to get extra laps in, I'd be happy for you to train with me.
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Date: 2026-02-22 05:48 pm (UTC)or that's how it should be at least.
even with the freedom from something rin has crawled headfirst into, it doesn't feel dexterous. there's no laxness. it just feels taut, like something is about to snap and drag him down. the tears have long since dried up, and his head hurts. dehydration, lack of sleep, a hangover, it's all a bitch isn't it? even worse with some deep resonating guilt that threatens to eat you alive.
but eventually, things come back into focus. and despite the pain, there's a flicker of something. something deep down that rin tries to clamber for. because he's here for a reason. he's here to chase a dream. something he isn't quite sure is his dream anymore. but his dad's dream? that's something he can still claw towards. even if deep down, rin matsuoka isn't quite sure what his life looks like...
and so he pushes himself up off the ground, scrubs his face with the back of his arm. sucks in a deep breath. pushes aside the hurt, pushes aside the waves of guilt for everything he's caused. and the first thing? he goes right back to
histheir room, and like a magnet haru is at the door about to step out. they stiffen, and rin shoves at him and just says]We need to talk.
[and for a while, they do. and for a while, it's fine. but then it turns tense like it always does. and that fresh well of hurt sears back into him. but it's fine. it always will be, somehow. and after everything is said and done, and haru excuses himself with a soft tone, rin sucks in a breath, and eagle spreads with his back on the bed the moment haruka lets the door click behind him and then. rin starts laughing.
it's so stupid isn't it? how all of this came to be? he's torn between the ugly laughing and stupid sobs of relief and frustration and bitterness coming out of him. how long ago could things have been fixed? been better? gone down a different road than the one he traversed down?
at some point during it all, rin's phone slipped out of his pocket onto the floor. and he lifts his head off the bed for a minute to glare daggers at it. before huffing and letting his head flop back against the mattress. he's tired. if he needed a drink any night, it would be tonight but. whatever. it doesn't even dawn on him to pick up his phone. it doesn't dawn on him to talk to anybody, because he thinks--
yeah. he might have done enough of that for the day. he thinks dimly, as he rolls over and pulls his blanket over his head]
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Date: 2026-02-22 06:13 pm (UTC)There is, in fact, another vending machine outcove on Sousuke's floor, where Ai parks himself for about a half hour to gather his wits and play out scenarios in his head and, truthfully, wait out the clock. It had already been a bit late, but if he can wait even later, the chances of both Rin and Haruka already being asleep increases, and the chances of having to endure either of them acknowledging that Ai still exists decreases. It was the closest, most realistic substitute for counting down the days until he can leave, which feels like a spit in the face to all the effort he put in to even make it this far.
There is not a third wave of tears; there isn't gnashed teeth, balled fists. There may be, tomorrow, or even in the night, but right now Ai is too exhausted and still too heavily ruminating on all Sousuke had said to him to work up the energy to be that upset again. It's crisis mode; all pistons shut down completely except for the ones necessary to figure out a game plan.
And when he decides it's been long enough, Ai finally goes to the elevator. Rides it down to their floor. Walks quietly, in the desperate hope no one can sense him.
In front of the room door, Ai's heartrate lurches, the sudden BPM spike causing his gut to drop and his extremities to run cold. Long and calm and steady breaths turn to near-hyperventilation, the longer he stares down at the doorknob. Would it be permissible to just sleep here, in the hallway? Permissible to book a flight back ho--
Something deeper within him cuts it all short, suddenly wielding his keycard like a weapon and forcing the door to unlatch with a gentle beep. The part of him that, unfortunately, never quits, and always had a way of cutting through the bullshit. And he could still walk away, still lay down and pretend he could put it all off indefinitely, but the pragmatic part of him knows whoever is in the room would have heard the door unlatch, so.
Quietly, he pushes it in. Only enough to just barely shoulder in through the smallest possible gap he could create between the door and the wall. Holds onto the knob as he lets the door close again as quietly as possible behind him. Keeps his eyes to the floor; he can sense someone is in the room, but isn't gonna lift his head to make sure. All he knows is the lights are off and that is enough to give him the hope they're asleep.
As Ai silently walks to the edge of his bed - not bothering to change into pyjamas, as that might be critical time wasted making himself disappear under covers and critical noise gates created that might wake people up - he sees it. Plain on the floor just a couple feet away, in the aisle between Haruka and Rin's bed. Rin's phone. Which leads to his eyes naturally drifting up, and committing the cardinal sin of actually scouting out the room.
Haruka is gone. There is a lump in Rin's bed. And Rin's phone is on the floor. And the forensics suddenly matter so much less when there are no parts of him left to break.
A steady hand very quietly picks the phone up and places it on the bedside table closest to Rin's bed before Ai just as quietly absconds back to his.]
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Date: 2026-02-23 08:26 pm (UTC)he tries to fall back asleep.
...only to be awaken by that ever nagging sound of the door unlocking via keycard on the other side. and that's when rin assumes it's ai. except the bathroom door closes, and the bathtub goes and. rin peers through the bleary edges of his vision, pushing himself up and looking around squinting. he's too exhausted to notice much, but...
his gaze lingers on the lump in ai's bed. ah. so that's who came back first. immediately, rin stiffens. why? he doesn't know! it's ai's room too! and he looks at the alarm clock on one of the bedside tables. that glaring red seeming more ominous in a tight environment. 2:57am jesus fuck, where has haru been?
...for a moment, rin wonders. but then he doesn't. and he instead glances back towards ai. and wonders. he didn't bother looking at the clock when ai came back. but that natural curiosity tugs at him. where did he go? after such a pitiful display by rin and agonizingly cruel words that ai all but had to drag out of him...he wonders if ai went to the pool. or went to sousuke. or maybe went out.
he flops back against the bed, burying his face in his pillow. he doesn't know how much time passes until he hears haru leave the bathroom, all he knows is he hears him go to bed in turn. and for a long while, rin can't fall back asleep. strung up with guilt and frustration and a helplessness, he tosses and turns over and over.
eventually, he finally settles. and slips into sleep around 4:30 or so. sleep deprived and bitchy is what awaits the world tomorrow. but is it really any different than hung over?
his alarm rips him from a dream he doesn't even remember and rin makes the most inhuman noise known to man as he fumbles for his phone. right. no time to waste. shit to do. wait. how did his phone get...he stares at it on the bedside table, and his gaze drifts over to--
whatever. he turns it off and flops back in bed, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes. the pressure a blessing in disguise. and so rin tries to will himself up to change into his running clothes. he has to pick himself up, dust himself off. get over this hump that he is the inflicter of. he looks over and sees haru pulling the blanket over his head, and rin rolls his eyes, glancing towards ai...wondering if he...but if ai gets up, he'll get up. and so rin scoffs and goes to scrub the morning breath clean of his mouth]
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Date: 2026-02-23 09:27 pm (UTC)Ai has just nearly grasped the edges of unconsciousness when the sun begins to threaten to break through their pulled curtains; Rin's alarm drives the nail in. Ugh, Ai groans to himself mentally, I forgot to shift my alarm back. In all of the chaos of the day before, Ai neglected to set himself for even a modicum of success. It isn't that he wants to avoid Rin, exactly, but that Ai is eager to make himself as unavailable and small as possible. To get through the next week and some change with as little damage as possible. The easiest way to do that? Be seen as little as possible. Getting up earlier than the other two in the room meant getting to the pool faster meant being unavailable for longer... But.
Instead, as his head pounds and his eyes open to stare blearily at the inside flap of his duvet pulled over his head, Ai realizes he needs a plan B. Simple: just wait for Rin to leave the room. Then Ai can get up and start his morning and make a clean esca--]
be-beep! be-beep! be-beep! be-beep!
[His alarm says otherwise. Ai lets it ring for way too long before deciding that tormenting Haruka who is still very much asleep isn't worth it; at once he darts out from under his covers, grabs his phone, and mashes the silent button on his screen. Hell... He looks to the bathroom. It's too much pressure to stand there and wait, right? As if he's rushing Rin. Ai especially doesn't want to invite a conversation yet; everything is still too fresh. So evenly split between trying to front as if everything is alright and wanting to disappear. Turns out, those two attempts at reality are diametrically opposed to one another.
He cuts the difference; stays in bed, duvet under his arms. But, his back is turned toward the bathroom, facing the front door. Paying Rin his privacy and a silent I won't bother you, sorry. Probably two, three more minutes and he'll get up...]
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Date: 2026-02-27 04:14 am (UTC)--he fucking stabs the inside of his cheek at the sound of that alarm with his toothbrush, wincing at the sharp pain followed by menthal and shit shit shit that fucking burns! he spits the toothpaste out in a hurry, wincing as he tries to dip his mouth under the faucet and rinse it out. what a way to start the morning!!
in any sane verse, rin matsuoka would slam the door open and strangle haru and ai even if it was only one of their phones that went off. but unfortunately, in this one, he just grits his teeth and ties his hair back hastily, ignoring the blossom of pain from his cheek. wait. if he remembers actually, that's ai's alarm. because on what planet earth does haru set an alarm for himself? he either perfectly wakes up at the right time or doesn't wake up at all!! and there's been so many mornings that...his coffee shop shifts...
he tosses his toothbrush back in his bathroom bag and tosses it on some corner on the counter, stalking out of the bathroom. he glances over at ai's bed. the alarm went off, and haru's still in his burrito so he's awake...right? rin clears his throat, seeing the line of ai's back which. digs at something in him. what the hell is he doing?]
...morning.
[rin starts off with, sliding down the closet with his back against it, grabbing for his shoes. testing the waters. if ai doesn't answer him fine he'll just leave but. rin still feels that tenseness from the night before, the rawness of all those tears and...]
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Date: 2026-02-27 04:29 am (UTC)And the world doesn't screech to a halt. The sun doesn't explode, the universe doesn't combust. His gut doesn't even churn with that knot-like anxiety that wholly consumed him the night before. Ai can't tell if it's apathy, dissociation, or if it'll hit him later like a freight train once his body is able to process what his mind hasn't yet. Either way, he's able to conjure the wherewithal to roll over onto his back...
Sit up, and look at Rin. Ah, there it is. The lurch in his chest, as if all of him had seized on an elevator and gravity decided today was the day. More than his own latent angst, Ai is painfully aware something has transpired last night between Rin and Haruka, and isn't keen on making Rin's day any worse. It's easy, to slip into that smile he's gotten so so so used to putting on.]
Good morning, senpai.
[He keeps his voice quiet, cognizant of the third body in the room. More to fill the silence than because he wants to, Ai finally shifts out of bed; it'd become apparent to Rin in an instant that Ai never changed last night, still in jeans and a sweater. Nice jeans, the ones Ikuya said made his legs look longer. And a nice sweater, one Momo gifted him a year ago. What he couldn't have known would be his final attempt at normalcy, worn plain on his body still, like the gold and steel found on mountainside corpses.
He gets up because that's approximately four more seconds he can buy before feeling the instinct to fill the silence, because doing so alleviates the weight of it all for them both, and Ai, always perceptive, can tell Rin is. Trying. So.]
Going for a run? Careful, I think I saw it'd rain a little.
[He bows his head waaay too politely while skirting around Rin to get into the bathroom.]
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Date: 2026-03-03 03:02 am (UTC)but there's fact in it all. there's no screaming match or fists being raised...not that ai would ever in a million years. and rin thinks bitterly to the time he did raise his hand at ai and fist up his shirt and--]
Yeah.
[he answers dully instead, pulling his shoes on and redoing his laces as some means of stalling. testing the waters to see where ai is in his internal predicaments. it's just a run. it's nothing out of the blue. but ai's voice seems almost too cordial and reserved. and rin knows the feeling. knows what it's like to desperately try to squash yourself into nothing around someone to minimize the space you take up. and maybe that's what makes his chest clench even more.
the prospect of ai feeling like he has to do something like that at all. rin blinks at the clothing, but says nothing. because normally it would be easy to go late night, huh? but that seems gross and sour as it flitters through his head. so he too squashes that with a small cough]
It's not bad. Feels nice.
[trying to think less on a time where he ran out in the rain from sousuke's house, the nightmare that started everything...it would be so easy to laugh at himself right now. he really does hate himself. but similar to ai, he minimizes it, knotting off his laces and tucking them. he hesitates for a moment, scooting to give ai room to get to the bathroom and rubbing the back of his neck]
...you can come if you want.
[rin knows what the answer is. but]
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Date: 2026-03-03 03:28 am (UTC)Isn't that he wants to completely erase himself from the spot he used to take up right at Rin's side. Not his intention to disappear completely, forever. It isn't that he doesn't want to run with Rin but that Ai doesn't know what to do, and spending more time together seemed counter-intuitive to the whole getting over it thing, so. He turns in the doorway, waiting until Rin's stood up so Ai can flash him that apologetic simper of his - this, too, will become increasingly more common in the coming days, no doubt.
Surely Rin can hear the sincere rueful delivery in his voice,]
I think I'll head straight to the pool today.
[And isn't that just a too-perfect delivery? Completely absolving Rin of any guilt (a new priority, Ai realizes); giving himself an easy out. Giving Rin a known place he'll be so he doesn't have to go into the same frenzy he did last night. If walking on eggshells was an Olympic sport, Ai would be a ten time winning gold medalist at this rate.
More than anything, though. More than anything, and especially now, he doesn't want to be treated differently. All of this, in fact, manufactured specifically to go back to the way things had been, once upon a time. Grant Rin the freedom to look past the veneer of the countless mistakes they'd both made together, a pile so high it was difficult to see over. So, he won't punish Rin for asking. Even if Ai can't discern for himself if Rin's genuinely wanting for his company, or throwing him a bone.
Mind made up and figuring Rin will just take off, Ai turns back into the bathroom, starting the sink to brush his teeth.]
no subject
Date: 2026-03-06 02:56 am (UTC)loud and clear.
it's tempting to put on a front, make a scene and fuss left and right over it. it's not like they always run together. but they did yesterday. they have in the past. and ai's tone really sells it. it's so carefully constructed that rin feels the slightest nudge might spread the pieces out every which way. and it's never been rin's intention to treat ai differently. far from it.
he's been the one staunchly trying to pretend it's all normal and hunky dory. when obviously that's the worst idea to grace them both. rin stares up at ai, expression devoid of much for a while. he glances over at the lump shifting in bed, before looking back at ai and--]
Yeah. Sure.
[giving ai his space. what he should have done. rin wonders if he had never reached out, never taken that offer after reconnecting. would they be in this predicament?
he groans, and tries not to gnaw at his lip, pushing himself up and giving ai on last glance]
...see ya.
[and he goes out on his run]
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Date: 2026-03-06 03:09 am (UTC)All the same he loathes that look on Rin's face. Blank, distant, away. And all his fault. If only he could have been a better friend, none of this would be part of their present circumstance. If only he could have been a little stronger--]
Have a good run.
[And then Rin's gone. And Ai knows he'll see him probably in about two hours. He knows the world won't stop spinning, the sun won't fall out of the sky. He made this exact choice, to stay in the bathroom and brush his teeth slower than he ever has and mentally recall his schedule to keep the tears at bay. And yet, agency or no agency, the yawning, hollow void in his chest yells and begs to be filled. Somehow. One step at a time, he guesses. Maybe the pool will help, if he can get over the whole seeing the same sight thing. Heavens know that's a bygone now.
Tooth brush poking out his mouth, Ai can't help but peek around the doorway to the other remaining lump in the bed. A mystery, as far as Ai is concerned. A blank space he doesn't know how to handle. Does Nanase have any idea the lengths Ai's gone to, for no reason other than knowing what path forward was objectively easiest? Ai often tries not to stick his nose in other peoples' business, but the vague, unidentifiable passivity radiating off the middle bed doesn't settle well. What happened last night?
Ai realizes he's being several times of unfair, and also is procrastinating, and spits and rinses with sudden alacrity. Figuring Nanase will remain asleep or "asleep", Ai takes the quickest route out of the room: changing right next to his suitcase, slipping his shoes on at the door, and then slipping out.]
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Date: 2026-03-06 03:26 am (UTC)it's just what he's been doing since the very beginning, after all.
after running himself into the ground, he goes back to a very empty room and huffs, running his hand through his hair. it's tempting to lavish in the solitude for once. but then again, rin has never been a stranger to dorm living or living with others. solitude has never suited him but...maybe now the idea is tempting--
no. he has work to do.
he takes a few minutes to charge his phone, rinse himself off quick and change into swim gear and throws a few clothes over it. he laments at having to pretend like everything is fine poolside. but hopefully everyone is just too caught up in their own workouts to pay them much mind...still.
he gets to the pool, and it all seems normal. so normal, it makes him want to fucking laugh. because life carries on so easily, and like ai internalizes so easily. the sun isn't falling out of the sky. he sees haru powering through some laps, and immediately stops looking for familiar faces as he dumps his bag on one of the benches, peeling out of his clothes and pulling his goggles out of it. he makes the mistake of looking towards the stands and--
...sees azuma and mikhail casting a glance over at him.
he stiffens, and tries to ignore it, diving into the pool to warm up. the whole time he keeps his eyes to himself, not wanting to seek out any shade of blue. there's enough in the pool already]
no subject
Date: 2026-03-06 03:51 am (UTC)It's nice, the first hour. Maybe one or two other people join, and not from their team. The mild contempt he's developed for the water forgotten under its gentle tow.
And then people start arriving. He isn't shocked Sousuke is among one of the firsts other than himself, though is a little surprised to see the younger Kirishima in tow, having assumed him to work more at his own tempo; Ai pauses at the wall to greet them both. The subtle pause after Sousuke asks everything going alright? isn't lost on him, though does seem to be lost on Ikuya, which is enough for Ai to know Sousuke hasn't said shit. Thank god. Ai decides it's as decent time as any to take a small hydration break, and gets out of the pool.
That's when management and coaches enter. So many he doesn't actually know the names of, but his uncle and his uncle's ex-situationship? Yeah. It isn't lost on Ai that Mikhail doesn't approach him on the poolside bench, either. Whether his intuition is so sharp he knows something has happened, or his nephew is that far off his radar as far as swimming is concerned, Ai can't tell. Either way, he's never been more eager to get back in the water, and so his half-empty canister remains unlidded on the bench as he gets back into a lane.
It's shortly after a second wave pours in. On a flip turn, Ai catches a glimpse of tell-tale black hair and how it dives into the far lane. And like curiosity does, it encourages Ai to pause at the wall for just a few seconds and scope for whether or not red is in tow. It isn't, and he isn't sure if he's frustrated, relieved, or both.
When Rin does arrive, Ai's already about four-thousand meters deep and still pushing. Slowly, but his form is decent. Should someone call time trials it'd probably be game over, though. Maybe it's for the best he doesn't notice Rin's joined; they both have the same idea, eyes nowhere else but either the bottom of the pool or the wall ahead.]
no subject
Date: 2026-03-06 04:05 am (UTC)fuck. rin nearly veers out of his lane, and it isn't exactly lost on him the raven hair that's in the lane beside him...he grits his teeth, which just puts him into a more dizzying frenzy. it's supposed to be just a warm up. and that's exactly what he intends on keeping this. even if everything in him is nagging to either pick up the pace, or cast a glance elsewhere to see where his teammates are littered about.
but apparently haru doesn't get the message. and they settle whatever transpired last night like they always do. in the pool.
even through the numbing exhaustion and mental anguish, they swim like they always do. with everything they have in them. though rin is filled with a silent fury when haru slaps the wall a tenth of a second ahead of him. and silently they go at it again and again. until even haru pulls himself out of the pool after casting rin a sidelong glance, once filled with concern and...something else.
not that rin is looking to decipher it as he goes back to practically drowning himself in lieu of manning up and facing the music of his actions. through the fog, he knows ai is pushing himself similarly. and rin doesn't know whether to swell with pride or fucking hate himself more at the prospect.
...no. rin fully intends to keep going until he can barely stand.
and so he does. pushing himself to his absolute limits, the very thing he and azuma had chastised haru for. but this is different. everytime he catches mikhail or sousuke or anyone's gaze when he comes up gasping for air, he meets it with narrowed eyes. something that says got a problem? i'm fine before he dives back in.
he doesn't know how long he's been going. all he knows is he is groaning as he hoists himself out of the pool, and is on his knees panting harshly. he hears sousuke and ikuya walking by, don't ask him how he knows it before he hears their voices but. there's concern from sousuke, and while ikuya's comment is concerned, it still holds the barb of their normal quips. rin just laughs, swallowing down air]
Can't get better without hard work, right?
[and sousuke rolls his eyes. "don't want to hear about your bum shoulder if you push it too much." and rin laughs, though there's a level of unease in it because. well, that's a grim reality isn't it?]
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Date: 2026-03-06 04:17 am (UTC)Does his already abysmal pace drop even slower? Maybe. Breast is harder to maintain at such a leisurely pace, though; his form suffers for it. His head pulls up too high, his legs kick too wide to keep the buoyancy. He accidentally swats his lanemate coming down the opposite way with a too-wide recovery. Ah, I'm sorry, is barely squeaked, before Ai just about gives up. Very literally rolls onto his back and finishes his lap not even pulling, just kicking with his legs. Vaguely somewhere he can hear a the hell?, but can't tell the voice, neither can he discern if it's in relation to his current shitshow or to whatever pissing contest is going on in the far end of the pool. Or mating ritual. Whatever.
Someone less knowledgeable might call him a copy cat, the way he breaks into a front crawl instead after coming to the wall. But someone with a finger on the pulse will know that crawl is the stroke that keeps one's head under the water for the longest, especially with three-pulse breathing. It's so much easier to drown all of it out. The splashing, the eyes, the implications.
Does he plan on being the first to arrive, last to leave? With any luck. This, too, isn't unusual; Nitori Aiichirou always had to pour in more hard work to account for the seemingly natural skill most of their teammates seemed to be equipped with. And didn't have the nicety of a coach to cut out the fat. The masquerade is pretty simple, then - obviously he's pushing past burnout fever because he has to, and not because he's avoiding the waking world in the most productive way possible.]
no subject
Date: 2026-03-06 04:33 am (UTC)it's no surprise. to some who don't pay attention it might sure. but it was something ai excelled in. long distance most of all. and rin selfishly takes in that sight for a moment, while he's catching his breath. he can't quite place what he's feeling. a numbness overall, sure. but there's a spark of...something. but that something quickly dies because as soon as he pushes himself to his feet, he catches his other roommate's gaze and.
well.
rin scoffs and lets his gaze trickle back over to the pool. rin is imagining the same thing. ai first to arrive. ai last to leave. rin can't even chide him for overdoing it. because to ai? it's not. not by a long shot. he can go go go. like some damn energizer bunny. a slept on skill in team japan, and hopefully one miyakawa and the other coaches are keeping an eye on. still...
exhaustion wins out. and he shakily pulls his clothes on after drying himself off. he'll shower off later, doesn't want to be in a public locker room all of a sudden. there's too much chance for--
"rin."
it breaks through his thoughts, and rin doesn't even need to translate or wait for haru to finish. he just stuffs his towel in his bag, and stalks off back towards their room. and. well.
one thing leads to another.
and as rin blinks up at the blurred ceiling, hearing haru spitting in the sink, all he can think of and feel is his mattress. he doesn't look for the sky and he doesn't look for the ocean. just nonsensical patterns in the ceiling as he shakily pulls the sheets over himself and curls up. he doesn't bother with feeling anything besides tired. he doesn't even know what time it is anymore. his stomach hurts for more reason than one, and he slips off to sleep. just a nap. just for a little while.
then he'll go back at it no matter what time it is. he doesn't care. let mikhail look at him like that again. he won't. not when he sees the effort rin is putting in]
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Date: 2026-03-06 04:51 am (UTC)All for the better, anyway. Rin and Nanase's escapade happens while he's still in the water.
It's well past lunch hours by the time he does finally vacate the pool. Having pushed himself for so long, so hard, his legs border on gelatin, and Ai has to wobble over to the benches for a moment to sit and let the world stop spinning. And it's only then, left with nothing but his thoughts for the first time since waking up, that it dawns on him. How empty it feels. How aimless it feels, looking ahead and no longer seeing anything to chase.
The welling behind his eyes is his cue to get up and shower. Another too-long affair. Passively Ai wonders if he'll ever be able to take another shower in his life without the image of Rin's back leaving out the door flashing in his head. His weakest moment. Ai nearly breaks the faucet with how emphatically he's shut the water.
Still mentally categorizing the room as a warzone, Ai instead heads into the town. He planned for this, day clothes on his body, sports bag packed more compactly than usual. He has to eat something, and ducks into the closest place that has a menu that isn't fifty percent cheese by volume. It's only as he eats he realized he did that practice on an empty stomach. Is it possible he could push even further if he actually remembered to eat breakfast tomorrow?
Over his meal, he texts Sousuke.
>>The fish here is good.
>where you at
>>Some place not far. It has a blue awning.
>you swam hard today
>>I think I might quit.
The thing about warzones is they require gunfire and troops to be considered active, so. Though Ai does a good job of ambling around on his own - a library, some sightseeing - eventually, he has to return to the hotel. Nine PM is what his phone tells him; a far cry for either Rin or Nanase to be asleep. The elevator ride up is spent counting his breaths.
He cards himself, waits three seconds, squeaks out a sorry for the intrusion and finally weasels his way in.]
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Date: 2026-03-06 05:12 am (UTC)well. maybe the guilt festering towards that squeaked out tone is what does him in. he'll never say it. but maybe ai was toeing on broken glass for once with some validity. rin scrubs his eyes with the back of his hand, pushing himself up into a more tangible state. haru's (...presumably) in the bath, and it's just the two of them. rin grits his teeth as he pushes his hair back]
...hey.
[he settles on, his voice still a little gruff from sleep. a small yawn slips through, and rin tries to let his vision focus back in...shit. his gaze lands on one of the glaring reds of the alarm clock, and he stiffens]
You have a good night?
[rin tries, he tries with all his might this time. is genuinely interested. maybe he went out with ikuya or sousuke or somebody. rin wants to hear about it, desperately craves some semblance of whatever relationship he fucking tarnished beyond feasible repair. but his interest is momentarily sidetracked by a loud knock on the door. and rin freezes, staring over at the hard expanse of wood behind ai's back. he doesn't answer, he doesn't know if ai does either. there's a discernible splash in the bathroom like dolphin boy just surfaced at the noise but.
and when nobody answers, it happens again. and so rin swallows heavily, pushing himself out from his sheets, tank all twisted and tugging his boxers up a little bit from where they were hanging so low on his hips. treat him normal, treat him normal. it's just a little fucking clothes slipping from thrashing around in his sleep. that's all. rin casts a wayward glance at ai, and the knock comes again.
"Come off it. I know you three are in there."
...azuma? rin freezes, staring at ai and back at the bathroom door. he doesn't immediately hear the water in the tub draining, but it's there. and so rin shakily tries to nudge himself past ai to open the door. and he's treated to none other than haru's coach standing in the doorway. he has...something hanging out of his pocket, but what surprises rin most is--]
...Sou?
[sousuke is there, alongside ikuya, hanging back. the younger kirishima looking scorned, like someone just slapped his nose with a newspaper, and sousuke well. looking worse for wear, but the look he levels rin with is haunting to say the least. but suddenly there's a piece of paper shoved in rin's face and.
"All of you might want to consider how you're dealing wtih this."
and rin's gaze flits between words that are too close for him to properly read. but oh that's not all. there's pictures too and--
his heart lodges in his throat, and for once in his life, rin genuinely feels a thick well of terror. his fingers tug the paper away from his face. it looks like an email printout, some sort of pdf for something. it seems professional enough, which is the worst of it all but. the headline he can barely discern through the fog. his exhaustion, what transpired between him and haru and well. everything that's suddenly laid out for him.
there's a picture of him holding the door open to ai's apartment.
there's a picture of him slung over ikuya's shoulders.
worse still are the following two.
there's two set in a very familiar parking garage. the first makes rin want to puke. it was the split second of him and haru bumping their foreheads together in sousuke's car. and the second picture?
well. rin almost feels like he's intruding on something disgustingly private. because he stares over at sousuke, and wants to sob at how his friend immediately looks away from him.
it's such a touching moment. taken from afar, cars in the foreground more in focus than the two figures but. it's easy to see the tears in sousuke's eyes. even easier still to see the tenderness in which ai touches his face. and the big blocky letters at the top. seemingly more professional than whatever voicemail had been left on his phone but.
team japan - fierce competitors, or something more?
...rin can't even look at the rest as he hears haru push out the bathroom door, and immediately freeze. doesn't need to see it or hear it, can just feel it. and immediately rin doesn't look to haru. he looks to ai. can't even make out the muted sound of azuma's voice. all he can see is the well of tears in his own eyes]
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Date: 2026-03-06 05:33 am (UTC)[Which doesn't answer the question of if he had a good night, because he doesn't want to give the honest answer with Nanase in earshot and Rin very clearly. Trying. Trying for normalcy, which is all Ai wants, and so Ai has to too. It was normal for him to wear his heart upon his sleeve, once upon a time, but not so much in recent years. It was normal for him to sidestep the full story when he knew Rin might get hung up on details. Especially recently, it was normal for him to disarm and dodge.
He barely walks in past the door, barely has the coherency to begin trying to say something with more substance to maybe aid Rin in this whole normalcy thing. Unfortunately, the rap at the door beats him to it, so unexpected he visibly jolts.
--
Ai doesn't need to see the contents. All he needs is Rin's twisted, messed up, pained, guilty, ruthlessly self-loathing expression. He doesn't have to look to know Sousuke's just minimized himself in a way he never does.
His blood pumps so fast from the anxiety spike he can nearly feel his palms vibrating, yet still wills himself to grab the paper and flip through it for himself. The day he and Rin were fresh off the heels of Rin's return. Of friends having a good time. Of reconnection. Of co-misery.
The tension in the room is thick enough to be sliced with a sword, and yet. It's so easy. Finding the solution is so easy because, Ai realizes, he's already written all of it off. Without that dream, without Rin ahead of him, without their aligned priorities, none of it meant anything anymore. Ai was willing to kill it all, if it means Rin doesn't have to do the same. If Rin is willing to set the whole world ablaze to get what he wants, Ai will be the one putting it all out, one pail of water at a time.
Calmly, Ai turns to face Azuma, eyebrows knit with what could be construed as genuine confusion. There's a cant of Ai's head to accompany it, as Ai makes a show of flipping through the images again, before shaking his head.]
Isn't that Team Japan's strength? That everyone is a close friend. [Ai cants his head again, and purses his lips.] It's wrong to weaponize deep friendship between male athletes. It sends the wrong message.
[Ai holds his hands out to pass the pdfs back. His expression turns determined, almost obstinate, as he mentally prepares for being the fall man.]
We have a duty to each other. I want to openly support and love the friends I've made on this team. If I can't do that, then I don't think this is leadership I want to swim for anymore.
homophonic : (
Date: 2026-03-06 05:58 am (UTC)but hiding is never the answer either.
he doesn't know where to land his gaze. it flits between everyone effected. ikuya rubbing his arm. sousuke staring at the carpet like it might light on fucking fire and give him an out with the intensity of his gaze. haru just standing there like he always does. though there's a slight tick in his jaw to show even he isn't unaffected. and well of course at the center of this whole thing is fucking ai.
speaking coherently, like he is the only one with a brain. rin's bitched at azuma before and felt the wrath and fury of it. he never would again, and he doesn't know how ai can stand his ground so easily, stare at him so determined. it makes that knot furl tighter in rin's throat. and he just about chokes out a sob that sounds like something else entirely]
Ai--
[he watches azuma snatch the papers back, expression wholly unchanged as he regards ai. and then shoots a glare over at haru, and practically smacks him in the nose with the papers. haru huffs and takes them as azuma stuffs his hands in his pockets. well of course haru was always going to get the brunt of this. and mikhail already well...]
I--I'm sorry.
[rin stiffly bows much too sharply, trying to level out his breathing. this is all his fault. he's trashed his friends names and reputations. if he had just stayed in sydney...he doesn't even know who the apology is directed at at first. sousuke? haru? ikuya?
...ai? azuma?
rin's teeth are sinking into his lip so hard there's a tang of copper coating his tongue. he wants to spit, wants to crawl back into bed and pretend this just never fucking happened. because he hears something most of all, that instills that panic. i don't think this is a leadership i want to swim for anymore. and rin stares at ai from the corner of his eye, something almost pleading as azuma huffs.
"the JSF is fair. but isn't going to take this lying down, you know. they've got an image to uphold. and you idiots need to watch yourselves. that's part of a conservative country."
azuma seems to be leveling ai with that comment as he huffs and whips around stiffly. his head hangs low as he mutters to himself. and leaves everyone else in the dust. and rin thinks back on the things haru has told him about azuma's life and...oh. he stares over at the two in the hallway, who seem to take the dismissal. sousuke stalks off without another word, ikuya pauses to glance over at haru and say night before he too wanders off. which just leaves...
"i'm going to the pool."
...big fucking surprise, as haru pushes past rin and makes his way downstairs. like he didn't just get out of the bath. rin grits his teeth and a fuck you slips between his teeth before he scrubs at his face for an entirely different reason now, and stiffly makes his way back into their room. that sentence keeps playing over and over in his head. almost pounding in his eardrums. i don't think this is a leadership i want to swim for anymore. and rin just about slaps his hands over his ears, like that will make it go away]
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