[With his bombastic return to the society of their hotel room, Ai can't tell if Rin's boisterous reply is a sign of a better mood or a worse one, but considering no fists have flown and he's more concerned with pulling his pants back on, Ai takes it as a good sign. He smiles wryly, letting his eyes flit back to the small little statuette still in his hands...
It had been so easy for Haruka to see enough of him to want to help. He owed Ai nothing, but he still tried. In an instant, Ai understands how people like Rin can come to crave that warmth, the type that seems to radiate from the inside. Passively, Ai wonders if he's capable of being that kind of person, too.
He places Iwatobi-kun on top of their shared dresser, and says little else. He'd already told Rin on the bus he planned to hang back tonight, so despite their... Moment, Ai's hoping Rin will just dip out without saying much of anything. Ai's doing exactly what he's been told to: trying harder. So rather than making Rin's departure any longer than it has to be, Ai again takes up his phone, scrolling back to his photo roll. Looking at old photos of his dog. Old photos of the Samezuka team. Of cafes and people he's seen on the streets of Tokyo. Doing a painfully good job of becoming one with the air in the room.]
[the shower was full of rin borderline bashing his skull against the tile. trying to suck in shuddering, calming breaths, trying to ease the anxieties pulsing through him. he's extremely aware that he just left ai and haru alone to their own devices. but, that's dumb. they literally just sat next to one another for sixteen fucking hours or whatever. what the hell are they going to do? gossip? talk shit about rin? that's dumb.
and that helps ease the worries. a tiny bit at least.
and so, he takes his time. washing the travel grime off of himself. indulging in the hot water with a few soft sounds, trying to finally force himself to relax from the awkward situation he--well, they all have--been dumped into. but eventually, his muscles begin to lax a bit, his forehead pressed against the tile less in hopes of cracking his skull and more grateful for the little pressure it provides.
eventually though, he knows he needs to go back out and face reality. he's never shied from a challenge before (a fat fucking lie) and he's not about to now. so he shoves the lever to the off position, begins to towel himself off and starts shoving his clothes on only to hear--
ikuya asked if i would help him with some butterfly strokes.
and rin is stupid, and rin sees red as he shoves the door open, haru almost falling through in the process. fuck that cool, stupid guy!! fuck both of them! rin will forever be bitter that ikuya swam the im with haru, because haru ever swam fly for rin. and rin is a sore loser and is not letting this one go.
except the guy just shrugs and walks away, leaving rin to his own devices, free of torso coverings with his pants half pulled up. he grits his teeth and scoffs, muttering as he hauls himself back to his bed and continues getting dressed. he assumes that means haru is going out, probably waiting out for him......rin looks over at ai with a frown, as he dumps his towel on the bed, fumbling for his necklace and trying to rake his fingers through his hair to make it somewhat presentable]
...sure you just want to stay in tonight?
[rin asks awkwardly, giving ai a little look. he doesn't want his friend feeling alienated, like he has to hide himself away because of everything. he feels bad. extremely. because he knows everything they just fussed over not thirty minutes ago. or rather rin fussed over most of all. he trails his hand from his hair down his neck with a huff]
Y'know, you can always ask Sousuke if he wants to go out or whatever too. Don't think he's coming with.
[rin actually has no idea and thats a rude as hell assumption to make. but he shrugs as he pulls his red flannel over himself]
[It's almost a little nostalgic. Almost. The fury with which Rin nearly chases after Haru after clearly being instigated. A fire and fervor Ai has distinct memories of growing irrationally jealous about when they were younger.
When he's around his other friends, he makes faces he never makes around me. Since that time, it seems little has changed. And in an instant, Ai's gut is overwhelmed again for the umpteenth time with the latent shame at ever having once in his life assumed he stood a chance. A moment's mistake that is going to chase him to the very end of his life.
Ai shakes his head to himself. Not that long. Not if I try harder.
He lifts his head from where he'd been scrolling when addressed, giving Rin a kind smile he really doesn't want to plaster on his face,] I said it on the bus, didn't I? There's no way I can keep up with everyone tonight. I just need to rest for a little bit, and I'll be good as new tomorrow. Promise.
[Ai knows Sousuke isn't going out because he's texted Sousuke a handful of times since coming back to the hotel room and even Sousuke has offered to come keep Ai company but Ai has emphatically shot him down. Because it'd be so incredibly rude and insensitive to make his problem Sousuke's problem. He of course hasn't given any details - hasn't had the time to type that much, nor would Ai be inclined to bare his soul to anyone right now. All the same, it's an offer he's not taking up.
Just let me know if you need anything? I mean it. Ai nearly wants to laugh, but just nods kindly.]
Thank you, Rin-senpai. [Ai shifts to get off the bed, intent on using the shower as soon as Rin's cleared out. It's also a good excuse - gathering his clothes and a towel - to not have to look at him.] Have fun! Don't let Nanase-san run circles around you. Ah, tell Kirishima-senpai I'll see him tomorrow.
[the last glance he shoots ai's way is something torn between bitter, confused, frustrated and solemn. a mix of all the things they've been battling with one another over the span of the last few months. promise. and rin bites his lip, because that's one thing ai doesn't do.
he always keeps his word. never breaks a promise]
Agh, fine. Holding you to that.
[rin finally bites out, frowning with his hands shoved in his pockets as he's finally gathered himself into some state of dress that doesn't look like he just crawled half naked out of the shower to rise to some half-assed bait.
but rin lingers for a moment longer, watching ai gather some things for himself. taking care of himself last. rin thinks to himself dimly, rubbing his hand through his hair. he hates how much he fidgets with the back of his neck and his hair these days. a nervous tic embodied into something he relies on far too much for comfort and to ground himself. something sinks in rin, thinking maybe ai really doesn't want to be around him, wanted to be rooming with anyone else. and that just helps propel him out the door with a click of his tongue as he grabs his phone and wallet, slipping into his shoes]
Text me if you get tired, we'll be quiet when we come back.
[he lingers in the doorway for a moment. something feels stuck in his throat. but he hears ikuya down the hall, giving his farewells to sousuke he presumes... before that gets him out the door with one final wave]
[It is a cruel and unfair and borderline uncharacteristic thought that crosses his mind, the more Rin delays leaving the room and seems to do so from a latent sense of guilt. What would it take to make him stop caring? It felt like limbo, or purgatory. Rin cared just enough to make Ai's despondency his problem, but not yet enough to fix it or kill it in a meaningful way.
The moment the door shuts, Ai's face wipes clean. Rin's actions don't quite align with his words, and it settles unwell in Ai. Try harder. But then why does Rin look at him like that, as if begging Ai to beg for him? Try harder, and yet navigates to the hallway of the hotel floor with consideration as the last thing on his tongue? It'd be enough to send Ai's head into a tailspin if he wasn't already dead-set on being the one with a cooler head in all of this.
His shower is unremarkable. He washes his body and his hair and is grateful for once that he can stare at a tiled floor and not be reminded of the exact moment he ruined it all.
It's a long one, thirty-ish minutes spent letting his thoughts go with the steam; when he reemerges he's doing his best impression of a prune. The room is dead silent without anyone in it, which Ai finds in equal measure lonely and a relief. There is a small part of him that wishes he'd gone out, but... I just can't. I know someone would have something to say, and I can't do that right now.
Ai changes into pyjamas and settles back into his bed, looking at call times for the upcoming week on his phone. Then, he sees Sousuke's name flash on his screen.
>you stayed in? >>I still wanted to shower. >did you eat >>I'll find something.
There is so much that is said in what isn't; Sousuke avoiding the obvious tells Ai he must have thoughts of his own, and that's enough for Ai to close his phone and rest it on his chest.
... It'd really be no good to go to bed hungry. Shimogami jacket on, Ai wanders down to the hotel lobby. Passes a few teammates who also stayed back, says hello. Finds a small kiosk-cafe where he orders some odds and ends in broken English... He brings a juice, a half baguette sandwich, and some dried fruit back up to the room. Spends about fifteen minutes eating it all at the desk, and throws away his trash. Back into bed, under the covers, but not quite settled.
Ai stares up at the ceiling. This constant, gnawing dread-- when last did he feel it so consistently? This isn't like me. I'm annoyed. A last ditch effort to be at peace with his own thoughts: headphones, plugged into his phone and pressed into his ear. It may be a while yet before his roommates return, and Ai would rather spend that time thinking about literally anyone or anything else; French indie rock seemed appropriate.]
[even in the throngs of fun and out in the wilds exactly two blocks from their hotel... rin is still acutely aware of something missing. ikuya and haru are fine company, sure. especially all riding the highs of their recent accomplishments in a new city. somebody recognizes the three of them, and that just brings a well of pride. except.
all he can think of is his roommate.
the one who rin had never seen in such a miserable state until just an hour or so prior. the one who rin had torn down to such a lowly demeanor throughout his transgressions and faults. they can vocalize all they want that it's in the past. they've put such things behind them, but rin knows something still gnaws at their cores. something that hasn't quite been shoved all the way aside. teetering and looming, with that shadow. that thing that always seems to be there.
one drink down, he pulls out his phone and stares at the screen. ikuya squints at him, asking if he's expecting someone. rin says no, and stuffs his phone back in his pocket.
two drinks down, he pulls it out again while the elder kirishima joins them and drags his brother out on the dance floor. ai might see something if he's looking at all about rin is typing... once or twice. but the glass is filled without him even asking.
three drinks down, and he watches ikuya and natsuya drag haru onto the dance floor. the bar is alive with patrons, and rin glances back down at his phone. he wonders what ai is doing. a shift of crimson towards the empty glass. all of this started because of alcohol. a drunken text, which turned to invitation and--
four drinks down, and his phone is stuffed in his pocket while he tries to navigate the dance floor with his friends amongst the swell of music.
five drinks down, and there's arms draped over his neck and cerulean is the only thing he can see. his stomach feels like it's in knots, and it feels too hot. there's a brush of foreheads just like back in the parking garage. but ikuya accidentally elbows rin, and then drags him off by the belt loop with a drunken stupid laugh. and rin snaps back into place with a jolt, even though his head feels so heavy. and when he looks at ikuya when they dance, that sinking feeling is gone.
eventually though, the high begins to die down. ikuya and natsuya dragging them back to the hotel. the two kirishimas are totally opposite one another. ikuya can hold it down pretty well, despite how many he's had. natsuya is a fucking mess and ikuya waves them off at the elevator, saying he has to make sure this guy ends up in the right room. rin lets out a stupid giggle and waves them off, and haru makes some weird hiccupy sound before the door closes and they're left alone again.
rin doesn't even bother to hide how fast he stumbles towards their room. he doesn't even know what time it is. his phone died a while back, him not charging it beforehand and leaving his screen open on an unsent text far too long probably did it in. but as he's in front of the door fumbling for his keycard, haru stumbles against his back and rin feels hot breath against his neck.
and his face burns as he shoves the door open probably harder than necessary, muttering a quick 'shit...sorry' though he's not sure if that's directed towards ai or haru who stumbles through the door when rin does. rin blinks over at ai on his bed, and lets out a little hiss of relief. at least he has headphones in but... rin bristles a little. because he's drunk and his mind immediately goes to the worst place and. he doesn't think he's ever seen ai go to sleep with headphones in...has he? or has he just somehow missed that in every capacity too?
bitterness washes over him. is he that bad of a friend?
but then something else floods him, and he grits his teeth. or did ai put his headphones in because he and haru--
rin tries so desperately to shove the thought aside as he quietly makes his way over to his bed. haru starts peeling his clothes off without shame, and rin bites his lip this time, whipping his head over his shoulder to hiss]
Oi. We've got roommates who haven't seen your bare ass y'know.
[haru blinks in confusion over at him, but shrugs and just makes some comment as he so kindly keeps his jammers on while he climbs into bed. rin barely catches it through the thick slur of his stupid drunken words, but it sounds like 'if you're that worried, do something about it' and rin wants to fucking scream into his pillow as he tries to shove the charger into his phone.
every orifice is fucking burning. the alcohol. his face. between his legs because he can't discern if haru was just making some smarmy comment or seriously implying that rin should go over and-- he quickly changes into his tank-top and briefs (in the bathroom!! thanks!!) before storming back out and throwing one of his shirts at haru with a mutter]
Be fucking respectful of other people, and put it on. Christ.
[haru looks at the shirt, looks at rin, shrugs and finally puts it on. rin shoves himself under his sheets, his phone back on. he squints at his messages, not seeing anything new...ah, there's one from sousuke. just a meme. one of ikuya dumping natsuya's ass in his room. cool cool. rin's thumb brushes over ai's contact and...
well. the message is gone. rin bites his lip and just shoots his roommate a quick]
sorry, hope we didn't wake you
[before he shoves his pillow over his head, squinting at his phone through the thick alcohol induced fog in his brain. whether they did or ai sees it in the wee hours of the morning, rin probably won't be sleeping for a while yet. too aware of every noise of ai and haru shifting in the sheets around him. it feels deafening]
[He would have expected later, and so Ai is more or less wide awake by the time he can very much hear Haruka and Rin and who knows who else in the hall stumbling around. The ruckus gets his attention even through his headphones, and it's incredibly hard to miss the proximity between the two of them the moment Rin presses the door in. The scent of alcohol precedes them, and raises Ai's hackles.
He has... Never, ever seen Rin drunk. Or Haruka, for that matter. It'd escaped his mind that this could be a possibility, and the downright sloppy, uncoordinated ways they both make it across the room have Ai peeling his headphones off...
Just in time to hear it, slurred or otherwise. Do something about it. He puts his headphones right back in.
If eyes were on him for even two seconds, it'd be obvious that Ai was watching them both up until the moment Haru started stripping; for his own sanity, he turns the volume up on the music he's listening to, resting down on his bed with his back to his two roommates. Surely if he becomes one with the white linen sheets, he could just. Disappear? And not have to play voyeur to whatever drunken, probably lust-fueled nothings are being muttered behind his back?
Because he'd been busy mostly trying to read up on their call sheets, some of their contemporaries from other teams, and some local history, Ai didn't have his texting window open; a few notifications from Sousuke, even, had gone unattended to.
But seeing Rin's name flash over his screen knowing full well the guy is about ten feet behind him? Ai hesitates to look over his shoulder for a moment, fearful of what he'll see. He ultimately doesn't, just. Stares at the message.
He makes a very quick edit to Rin's name in his contacts list first before tabbing into the message properly from his notification pane.
And then debates even replying. Was it worth it? Ai thinks Rin would read into it too much if he didn't type something. Much as he doesn't want to put the mask back on, however brief. His thumbs move with a haste as if he hadn't just heard Haruka make a pass at the guy,]
Hope everyone had fun!
[-- before lowering his phone to the mattress and staring into the middle distance, across the room to the door. His mind wipes blank, as if to match what little of his chest he has left to give. Two weeks of this? Mikhail-ojiisan was right, maybe.]
[without skipping a beat, he knows deep down somewhere he's ruined this. staring at that reply. it's a quick thing. which means one of two things. ai's been awake, or they really did wake him up and that's the reasoning behind the curt acknowledgement. no it's ok! or don't worry so much. just that hope everyone had fun. something that tugs at him, and just makes the sourness in his gut worse.
he huffs, shoving his phone back under his pillow. it's tempting to throw that pillow over at someone. haru for being an asshole, or ai for being cryptic and weird. drunk rin would absolutely do something like that if he was still standing up. but then he just remembers porcelain scattered over tile, and swallows down the thought. all while he buries his face into his pillow.
even in a drunken stupor, sleep doesn't come easily. he can't tell if he's having nightmares all night, or just tossing and turning so aggressively or overheating or whatever, that light is slipping through the curtains before he knows it. and the migraines he's been able to fight off for so many weeks? no, this one is back in full force.
whether that's a famous hangover or lack of sleep, the world may never know. he has stubbornly refused to look around the room at all throughout the night. or even open his eyes. settling instead for keeping the sheets tugged over his eyes, or his face buried in his pillow. he hears his roommates throughout the night. and he wishes he couldn't. they were told not to go too crazy, and rin overdid it. he knows natsuya is a bad influence and he really shouldn't go out with the guy.
but then again there was the whole breathing in of the new city and riding the high of victory with friends and--
like fuck he's going on a jog this morning. groaning, he pulls himself up a bit to rest on his elbows, staring at the wall behind his pillow like it's personally done him some great offense. all through the stabbing pain throbbing through his head. he takes a swig from the bottle next to his bed, pressing the bottle against his temple for some chilled pressure point relief]
[Rin doesn't respond, which tells Ai enough. Well, he's drunk out of his mind. It's likely he'll forget it come morning anyway. Ai can't be sure how much Haruka had, either, but it was enough to raise eyebrows...
Enough for sleep to hit him like a freight train, too mentally exhausted to fight it for once. Compared to Rin, he sleeps soundly, only waking up once or twice less because of the turmoil in the yawning gap of his chest and more from acclimation to a new environment, new sounds, even new people.
He'd set an alarm, bright and early, though manages to wake just soon enough to kill it before it can even ring once. Rin may be too hungover for a jog, and Ai isn't so sure offering for Haruka to come when he's also in a bad way is a good idea, so he sets to very very quietly changing into his activewear and, for the first time, steps out to the city. It's hard to take Paris in in all its splendor when cruising along at nine miles an hour, but all the same the old architecture and many dogs being walked on the sidewalks are enough to give him a bit more wind back in his sails - a motivation and peace he desperately needed.
He completes a circuit and approaches the hotel about an hour and a half later, reinvigorated and refreshed... Even if looking upon the facade curdles his gut some. Trepidation aside, Ai enters, rides the elevator up to their floor. Very very quietly unlocks the door with the room key, pushing it in quietly so as not to disturb those who are ailing... And who knows what else. Ai squeezes through the door, closes it quietly behind him, drops his running bag...
On the desk he places two bananas, two tall coffees, a pack of ginger chews, and two metallic tins of electrolyte oxygenated water. Spares a moment to try and gauge if either Rin or Haruka are awake, but... If they aren't, I don't want to be the one to wake them. And figures his attempts here speak for themself.
Ai gathers a clean change of clothes and escapes into the shower room, closing the door behind him.]
[the first thing he notices upon sweeping his gaze around the room is the obvious. ai's gone. and it pangs rin more than he cares to admit. especially because upon further inspection, he sees something that takes him back. back to that last year of high school, when everyone had to be on his mind and in turn...
it would be one thing if the consideration and thoughtfulness only stretched so far as to one of them. but it was both. and that's when something lurches in rin that has little to do with the hangover that is beginning to fester. but then he hears the shower turn on, and that thing settles. at least momentarily. rin hauls himself out of bed, pressing his palm against his head with a little groan. haru still looks dead to the world, so rin tries to stay quiet as he walks over to the desk.
his hand raises to drag his thumb over the offerings. before he bites his lip, and turns his gaze towards the bathroom door. he really has been an ass about all of this, hasn't he? it's not that he didn't know that fact, but seeing this physical manifestation of pure kindness and selflessness towards the awkwardness of their situation rips him apart inside.
rin nibbles at one of the ginger chews, chasing it down quickly with a sip of his coffee, pressing the cup against his head as his brows furrow. he wanders back to his bed, pulling his phone out from under his pillow. he never replied to ai last night. and maybe that's for the best. maybe the drunk addled side of him would have lashed out in a less than kind manner. it's just all too easy to feel that distance growing larger and larger as the seconds tick on.
he hates how easy that side of him is to slip into]
thanks
[attached is a picture of the ginger chew wrapper next to the coffee, the banana half eaten]
[It's easier to move through the world when he checks his baggage at the door. In a way, it feels unfair. On the other hand, he's able to take his second shower in as many days spent in this room under these circumstances and look down at the tiled floor and not think of the night it all went wrong, so. It's progress.
He rinses off his body and doesn't bother washing his hair. He examines his face in the glaringly bright mirror lights and counts the bags under his eyes, questioning if they've always been that prominent or if the mirror is playing tricks. He habitually ruffles his hair... And remembers their conversation from a few days before leaving for Paris. Ai brushes his hair back down with his fingers.
He's quiet as he enters back into the room, clad in day clothes. For the first few steps as he tries to tip-toe his way back to his bed, he keeps his eyes down, purposefully trying to avoid looking Rin's way. But... Just as he nears his own bed, it becomes impossible. Curiosity - habit - overtakes him, and sky blue eyes cast themselves sidelong to catch Haru - still very dead to the world - and Rin both in his gaze. Rin with a coffee cup pressed to his head. Ai's eyes aren't on him long enough to determine whether or not Rin's looked his way; Ai carefully and quietly slides back on top of his bed, one leg tucked under himself. Habitually takes hold of his phone again.
Sees Rin's text. He smiles, just barely, and resents the almost sweet feeling that blooms in his chest. He looks toward the evidence, the desk with only Haru's half still on it, and then another sideward glance is given Rin's way. Ai hates how he hesitates, words pummeling his frontal lobe but unable to put them down to the screen.
Still he tries, because at some point he will have to find a balance between try harder and he's still my friend,]
How are you feeling?
You look terrible.
[He sends it with a smile. A part of him doesn't want to open the floor, but... After a few seconds,]
[it doesn't matter that ai is texting him back, and there's some temporary swathing of relief seeing him coming out of the bathroom. it just matters that between the persistent pounding in his head and tug of his eyelids, he's happy for the momentary acknowledgement. it's not like this whole situation doesn't suck monumentally for all involved.
a little smirk to himself as he glances over that you look terrible. must really be a pathetic sight for ai to say something like that huh?]
thanks a bunch
[he hopes the tone comes off as teasingly as its intended to be, while he quickly tacks on a thumbs down emoji after the fact. he takes another sip of the coffee, glancing over at haru's bed with a slight feeling of...disdain? confusion? frustration?
he isn't quite sure how to place it. especially when ai's last text comes through and there's an obvious tenseness in the lines of his shoulders. it's foggy but present. dancing, the burn of drink after drink sliding down his throat. there's no denying the fun they had--all of them had, last night. but with a glance back at ai, he can't help but still feel the tug of disappointment. that there was someone missing through the throngs of it all.
but then maybe it's a small blessing too. ai's already caught up in this tangled mess of rooming with the two of them. seeing everything last night might have been too raw and fresh for him. rin's trying this whole consideration thing instead of acting on his feelings and impulse. his thumb brushes over his screen. decidedly, there's no clear cut answer to give. but he settles with the best one he can muster]
it was fun :)
[...was it? seeing haru pull his blanket over his head, remembering being pressed against the door and that stupid comment he couldn't discern. was it teasing like always? meant to rile him up and have him spitting? or something else? rin doesn't know. and it's not important right now anyway. it was probably just the booze. there's no way that--]
run when i'm not half dead?
[he asks it, but for some reason, rin's already bracing himself for the refusal. dimly aware of the inches slowly being added to the distance between them. piece by piece]
[Rin seems... Oddly jovial despite his condition, which Ai isn't sure how to interpret. I should just be glad he isn't sulking, is his first thought. Distance works after all, is his second. I wonder what he and Nanase-san got up to last night, is his third, and is what keeps his eyes glued down onto his screen rather than cast long across the room to Rin.
He reacts to Rin's thumbs down with a thumbs up emoji. Ai knows regardless of subjectively how he feels, it's for the better if he can leave room for Rin to start feeling better, physically and mentally. But the curiosity that plays at the forefront of his mind leads to a damning and dangerous thought of its own: I don't want to go out tonight. Not with them. Especially not when it appears Rin got on just fine without him present the night before. Ai's acutely aware he'd be a burden, and knowing Sousuke would likely be part of the pack too, doesn't want to proliferate this mess beyond the walls of their hotel room.
I'm getting ahead of myself. Besides, this will be normal going forward. It's for the best I get used to it.
He squints when Rin sends-- is that a smiley? Despite himself, Ai looks over to him with a blink and folded eyebrows.
And he, too, watches as Haru pulls the covers over his head. Ai doesn't think he's ever seen the guy so animated, neither last night or right now. They must've really thrown them back, he thinks. Or is it just the natural progress of being in Rin's orbit again? He'd been so unabashed about putting his hands on him-- Ai rubs his hand over his forehead, mussing up his fringe. Stop thinking about things that aren't important!
He pulls his legs up on the bed, bent in front of his chest, phone held closer to his lap than his face. Rin's invitation for a run is sweet, but...]
I just came back from one.
Ah, but I can go a second round.
[Friends jog together all the time. So this much is fine, right? After just a small delay he then tacks on,]
We should ask Nanase-san when he's awake if he wants to come.
[it's stupid that something as simple as an emoji can turn his mood around. it's damn near enough to make him press his screen against his forehead in some stupid, relieving gesture. because over the last twelve hours, things have felt so tense and he was sure ai was going to say no that--
if only they both knew the things that was going through the other's head, unfortunately. it might make all of this a little easier.
but rin tenses a little at ai mentioning haru because. it's not that he wouldn't want haru coming with them. but isn't that just the problem entirely? haru being caught up in all of this because of rin's stupidity and ai brandishing hurt feelings (rightfully so...) from all of it? he chews his bottom lip a little, glancing over his shoulder--]
not touching that guy with a ten foot pole hungover. let alone for a run
[haru hates the shit out of land training as is. running is the bane of his existence away from his precious water. a good excuse as is, so rin can just put some of the awkwardness behind him. he stands up, pressing his fists into the small of his back with a little noise. all while downing the rest of his coffee and tossing the cup in the trash. he ties his hair back, stretching out his arms a bit, before rolling his shoulders and grabbing a few clothes from his (still partially unpacked) bag.
he looks over his shoulder, voicing quietly be right back if ai of course has the capacity to keep staring at his mental nemesis after whatever grandeur display the poor guy was witness to the night before. rin tucks into the bathroom to change and brush his teeth with a grimace while he tosses ai another text]
It'd be rude not to ask... You both seemed pretty far gone last night though. So maybe he won't mind.
[If you're that worried, do something about it. What utter cruelty is it if he's the only one who remembers that in this room? Ai itches at a spot on his cheek just below his beauty mark. Speaking of things he doesn't want to touch with a ten foot pole...
Though he's done his best to try and not minimize Rin's personal space by constantly looking at him even if they are texting together, when Rin gets up off his bed and stretches, Ai almost thinks it looks cat-like in how groggy it is... And how un-cat-like in how gruff and ungraceful it is. Not that Rin's looking his way, but Ai simpers at him all the same. Rin's eager to get to it, it seems. Ai's limbered up, and now a little rested, but he wonders silently if he'll be able to go a full second round...
It's funny, the dichotomy. How heavy his heart feels, but how light and almost normal everything else feels in its mundanity. A sink running; a groggy wakeup call. Was this how Rin felt the first year they met?]
Are you texting from the bathroom?
[He has to stifle his laugh, not wanting to disturb Haruka. Really, Ai does feel bad... Somehow it feels even worse leaving him behind than it does for Ai himself to stay behind. If there were questions to raise, Ai didn't want to raise them. Suspicions, Ai wanted to dodge them. It'd be good luck if he doesn't care at all. Passively, maybe unjustifiably and a little cruelly, Ai suspects without bruises on his neck, he's much less of a threat now.
Right, Rin's text needed a reply--]
Just a protein bar. I saw lots of 'brunch' places in the area, though.
[rin is just thinking that they were a little loud coming in, that's all. and haru was getting way too comfy getting naked in front of their friends ( a habit he seemed to have ditched a while back but comes back full throttle intoxicated apparently!). it doesn't dawn on him that ai might have heard that line. only because rin is trying to shove it so deep into the trenches of his head it can never hope to crawl out. no way that really happened anyway]
would you rather i scream from the bathroom to talk to you???
[well that at least seems like a typical ai answer. one not plagued by whatever this awkward situation is and however badly rin has fucked up their friendship going forward. ugh, baby steps in the right direction. it's all he can do.
his mouth still tasted sour from the booze last night. and now it tastes like fucking mint, and nothing has ever woken him up and sobered him faster. he tries fumbling with his hair, noting the deep bags under his eyes. yeah no, he really did sleep like shit last night. he grimaces, and just settles on keeping it tied back, quickly changing before exiting the bathroom.
he dumps the dirty clothes unceremoniously next to his bed, he'll...designate his pile over here. more distance he can put between him and haru's bed and interactions after all. pulls his phone back out and squints at his messages]
[Objectively, no, they weren't that bad. They stumbled through the front door and Haru seemed a little handsy and maybe his tongue was loose but that was par for the course. The scent of alcohol did not leave, which stands to reason with how much Ai suspects they had. Given the circumstances, they were fine. Can Rin really not remember? Ai can't tell if he's just trying to gauge Ai's opinion, or if he was really so far gone that he has a memory hole.]
You kind of fell through the door.
[And flirted, I think. But Ai sure as shit is not typing that out. Thankfully, Rin's follow-up text to Ai taunting him has Ai biting his bottom lip to keep from laughing; double duty as he presses the side of his palm to his lips. Would that Rin left the bathroom door open, and Ai could have seen him brushing his teeth with one hand, furiously trying to type with the other, foam around his lips...
Rin's hair is tied back, which tells Ai they're really doing this. So much for day clothes; so as not to belabour their departure, Ai keeps on his t-shirt (a plain white, slightly oversized, with dark navy banding on the hems) but opts to toss his joggers back on. Doesn't bother trying to traipse across the room to go into the bathroom to do so; he has it on damn good authority Rin couldn't give less of a shit, so Ai changes on the side of his bed furthest away from the center of the room.
He clips his runner's bag over his chest and toes his shoes on quietly near the door... Looks at his phone. Then to Rin. Then back to his phone to reply,]
[yeah no rin will absolutely not think of that as flirting thanks. and if ai brings it up rin might actually freak. especially if he knows ai saw it. he's already feeling like shit about everything, that would just add to that roaring fire--]
shut up, that asshole pushed me
[not really, but whatever helps you sleep at night bud. he tosses his jacket over his shoulder, squinting for a minute and then tying it around his waist instead. it's not that cold out. it's a little later in the day, so hopefully it's chill and not deathly hot. he tries not to stare at ai while he's changing. it's funny, when you have someone's dick in you or in your mouth, tends to make your gaze instinctively tug towards them. but rin remains as stoic as possible, staring pointedly at the floor.
he squints at his phone as he starts towards the door, a little closer to ai than he means to because. why does that text feel fucking fake? he grits his teeth as he pulls his shoes on and opens the door for ai. there's no thought behind it. except okay yeah there is. a memory from when he first arrived in tokyo all those months ago, held the door open for him and--]
I don't believe you.
[rin huffs when they finally get into the hallway, pulling out his phone to shoot a quick text to haru (not that he'll read it before they get back but) that they were leaving for a while and shoving it back into his pocket and making his way towards the elevator]
No way, I'm buying. Just let me do this, please dude?
[he jams his finger against the button, fixing ai with a heavy, pleading look. why does he feel so bad? he hates feeling like shit over something out of his control]
[When it came from Ai, it had been propriety. Because it had been the first day Rin was back, and because Rin had once been his senior, and it was the right thing to do. Because it was Rin visiting Ai's apartment for the first time-- of course he'd hold the door open and wait. And he might've thought the same about Rin, now, too.
But.
He remembers it, too. Word for word. Remembers the slight film of a drinkable broth still in his mouth, and the way city lights painted over Rin's fair skin, and how light and easy it had all been.
What, you hold the door open for everyone you bring home? Only the ones I really like.
And he knows Rin remembers. And so Ai knows he isn't just being polite, it isn't possible. It's maybe for the best Rin immediately levels him with an accusation the moment they both step out; it saves a bittersweet expression from kissing Ai's countenance, instead overcome with a frown.]
I was! [It's a hushed protest.] I was listening to music and studying time tables for the coming week.
[Does it matter? If Rin had woken him up by accident, it isn't as if Ai would have been upset by it. Rather... Rin pleads for Ai to let him do this much. And Ai doesn't get it, because when ever has ten or twenty bucks been such a big deal between them? It's like he's overcompensating. Ai shrinks under that look. And he doesn't know how to reply; he wants to tell Rin to keep his money a second time. But, if Ai takes his sore glasses off for even two seconds, he can tell Rin's trying to grasp at-- something. Even if he doesn't understand what, he isn't going to mince over something so ultimately vapid... He softly grips the strap of his runner's bag, looking at Rin sidelong.]
Well... Sure. It isn't as if I mind. [His eyebrows knit with his confusion. There's only one thing he can pin it to,] But it isn't as if you owe me anything, senpai.
[For the coffee and things. Assuming it's anything other than that will bring Ai right back to the heel he took to his jaw last night, he thinks, and he isn't so sure he's ready to endure that again just yet. Rin's guilt; what Ai thought he begged of him.]
[...and now rin just feels like even more of a jackass. it's not his fault he assumed something like that after all! how could anybody blame him? ever since they got here, he feels like he's been getting fronted with a cold shoulder.
but then he thinks maybe he's being too pushy, taking things a step too far. it's obvious the way ai shrinks a little bit under his words and rin almost immediately jerks backwards. his mind flits immediately to the one corner it shouldn't. that stupid night where everything shattered. where he shattered everything. and in the days and weeks that followed, he only amplified it really. made things worse. and apparently he's still following suit in that.
but it's a blink and miss it thing. which makes whatever was curdling in rin's chest slowly die down. he watches ai carefully, gripping at his bag, giving him that sidelong look. he's just looking for anything, anything that might indicate he's stepping further and further past the point of no return. he refuses to tarnish things again like that]
...you think I'm doing this because I 'owe you something'?
[his own brows press down as they make their way down the hallway, and rin jabs the elevator button with much more ferocity than was really necessary]
I'm doing it because I want to.
[another jab at the button like that will make it get here faster. rin rubs the back of his neck]
...nevermind. Sorry. Wasn't trying to be an ass. Just tired.
[he backpedals. he doesn't want to fight. not now. not when things were finally starting to seem normal]
[I'm doing it because I want to. It feels cruel, no matter how Ai tries to slice it. Or maybe Rin was just desperate for normalcy? With Haruka's presence, it's possible he feels emboldened, that empty and dark part of him salved over. Ai hasn't seen it yet, not since coming to the hotel, but he's sure he'll see it soon: the bright way Rin smiles when he's around.
It makes sense, like this. He expects me to keep up. If I don't, I'm weak.
I'm useless.
Ai watches Rin jab furiously at the button, rotating his reality around in his head. The more he does the very thing he thinks Rin's asked of him, the more Rin grows irate. A rock and a hard place. Ai's rebuilt himself from nothing before, but this all felt too much too soon; he was only human. And Rin knew that much, right?
But even when he's far away, Rin-senpai would never be mean. Rather... It really is as if he's telling me to hurry up.
Rin apologizes right as the elevator arrives on their floor. Ai looks at him properly, meeting his eyebags and distant expression with an attempt at an apologetic smile he barely has the energy to conjure.]
It's okay. Besides, no matter how you look at it, I've put you in a difficult position. But I promise I'm doing my best, too. [To try harder.
Ai steps into the elevator ahead of Rin.]
Then, next one is on me.
[It's a phantom feeling that overcomes him. A ghost he can't quite shake. The pressure on his shoulders so familiar in its weight; Ai suddenly rubs the side of his neck, fingers dragging down clean, unmarred skin. If he had been just a little stronger, so much would be different.
He presses the button for the ground floor. Thinking like this is no use. Get it together, Aiichirou!]
The exchange rate is pretty unfair, isn't it? We're lucky we get a stipend for these kinds of things.
How the hell are you putting me into a difficult spot?
[rin's voice comes off a little sharper than he intends. but he's tired, this situation is exhausting, ai is running circles around him with whatever the hell funk he's in. not that rin is saying he can't feel that way, but...]
The only place you need to try your best is at the pool. That's where it matters most!
[rin is blissfully unaware of the way ai has misunderstood him, how rin has misunderstood his own verbiage and wording. communication would go a long way with these two, but that can be tricky given the circumstances. the elevator door closes behind him, and by some small miracle it's just the two of them. seems the team had the right idea getting sloshed and sleeping in late. athletes deserve a break every now and again after all.
but ai seems to drop it, and rin doesn't know if that's a diversive tactic or some small blessing in disguise. he bites his lip, watching ai rub his neck. seems they both have their self soothing habits that match the other's. but maybe that's the end of it. maybe rin should stop pushing him so much, let him decide whatever the hell he wants.
and so. rin drops it.
his gaze fixates instead on the down arrow, the floors flashing by as they slowly clamber down the building. but well, he would be a hypocrite if he didn't try too wouldn't he? so rin huffs, and drags his hand away from his hair, shoving it in his pocket]
Exchange rates are ass. You either get ripped off, or feel like you're doing the ripping off.
[He says it quietly, almost frustratedly. The elevator feels like a means of keeping that type of conversation back out in the hall, though. As they ride it lower toward the lobby, Ai reminds himself that these sorts of things really shouldn't matter so much. And in so many words, Rin does, too. His hand falls away from his neck, folded politely in front of his body, and he gives Rin a smile paired with a cant of his head.]
That much is obvious, too. [There's a small spark in his eye, the hint of a hope and light that hasn't been there for a while. Ai still doesn't know where to find his strength for his swimming when the source of it at the moment is so muddied and confused, but he knows he can. This training camp and its arrangement is, in a way, begging for him to figure it all out. His eyes slide off Rin and to the corner of the elevator,] I didn't make it this far just to kick rocks. Once I'm in the water, it'll be easier to focus.
[The elevator dings for the lobby, the door yet unopened. Ai tentatively slides his eyes back to Rin.]
When you frown like that, it's a really bad look, senpai.
[The door opens and Ai again pushes forward ahead of Rin, not bothering to wait or look back. A few of their teammates are in the lobby, but not many, and most still in sleep clothes. Ai exits out the front of the lobby, jogging in place to psyche himself up while waiting for Rin to do the same before they take off.]
[closed off like this, the elevator feels more like a cage. trapped with his bad decisions, trapped with repercussions and the thoughts agonizing and swirling over each and every one. it's like his change of topic did little to dissuade ai. which makes his eyes narrow. because.
i didn't make it this far to kick rocks.
something swells in him. it's a cocktail of pride and disgust. pride at thinking how far ai has come over time. disgust at himself for immediately thinking of that being something he would say all those years ago. ai's tone doesn't carry the same cut, sure. but it's there. all curdled together with that. frowning. it's something he does too much nowadays, isn't it? something he did too much back then, wasn't it?
his fist is tight at his side as ai leaves without another word. and rin is left to stand stupidly there. it would be easy to retreat. let those doors swallow him up, and go right back upstairs into another bad decision. but rin likes to think he's grown up. maybe moved a little past those cruel words haru has hurled at him before. but what if he hasn't? what if he's still just that stupid, selfish person leaving broken things everywhere he goes?
with teeth gritting, he pushes after ai. stubbornly? or is it more to prove everyone around him wrong? he starts his pace the moment he exits the doors, refusing to drop his pace or make it easy. even through the way his body aches, the way he can feel the bags tugging underneath his eyelids, his head throbbing minutely...]
You're one to talk. Smile once in a while.
[rin bites his lip, exhaling as they begin to course up a small hill in the sidewalk, winding up a steep road. right. no easy way out of this. it's always an uphill battle]
What's your problem anyway? It's like we talked last night, and some weird switch clicked in you.
[panting and jogging is probably not the best time to have this conversation but. rin's trying to not leave things unsaid nowadays]
[Ai breaks into a brisk jog right behind Rin. He could probably keep pace, especially since he's limbered up and Rin is hungover, but it's more habit. Since back then, it had always been more common for Ai to be a pace or two behind Rin, no matter how long their route...
You're one to talk. Smile once in a while. Ai doesn't even have the capacity to try and refute that. He's given Rin hollow mirrors, but when was the last time he shared something genuine? This, too, lodges in his head as something he needs to be better at. Rin will have to wait, though; he's taken the opposite turn Ai had earlier that morning out of the building, and their steep incline means Ai is trying to focus more on not overexerting himself on the upward push than he is on trying to think of the right words to say. A rarity for him; usually he didn't really think about what came out of his lips at all.
What's your problem anyway?
Ai's eyes snap up to Rin's back. He almost stumbles where he jogs, front of his foot catching on a cobbled crevice.
It's like we talked last night, and some weird switch clicked in you.
Ai stops.
For a few fleeting moments, he watches Rin's back. Feeling as if he's presently existing in two realities: one where Rin wants him to pull back, and one where Rin is frustrated at him doing so. He remembers the order as clear as day, barked quietly to not stir Haruka in the shower.
I'll stop feeling guilty when you stop giving me a reason to. I'm trying. Well try harder!
If Rin stops, or looks back, he'll see furrowed eyebrows, pulled lips, and a rare flash of anger and betrayal in dull blue eyes. At once, Ai tries to surge forward again; he'd just told himself he can't let these kinds of things hold him back, after all. Even as he comes up to Rin's side, Ai is unabashed in letting his hurt cultivate every single wrinkle on his face.]
I'm doing exactly what you told me to. [His feet pounding into the paved Parisian sidewalks feel leaden.] Even if you hadn't, it's the only responsible course, isn't it?
[Ai minds his countenance, not that it's much better. Instead, he's grimacing down at the floor flying beneath their feet rather than Rin.]
I'm done giving you reasons to feel guilty. I just need time to do it properly.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2025-10-25 03:27 am (UTC)It had been so easy for Haruka to see enough of him to want to help. He owed Ai nothing, but he still tried. In an instant, Ai understands how people like Rin can come to crave that warmth, the type that seems to radiate from the inside. Passively, Ai wonders if he's capable of being that kind of person, too.
He places Iwatobi-kun on top of their shared dresser, and says little else. He'd already told Rin on the bus he planned to hang back tonight, so despite their... Moment, Ai's hoping Rin will just dip out without saying much of anything. Ai's doing exactly what he's been told to: trying harder. So rather than making Rin's departure any longer than it has to be, Ai again takes up his phone, scrolling back to his photo roll. Looking at old photos of his dog. Old photos of the Samezuka team. Of cafes and people he's seen on the streets of Tokyo. Doing a painfully good job of becoming one with the air in the room.]
no subject
Date: 2025-11-01 04:20 pm (UTC)and that helps ease the worries. a tiny bit at least.
and so, he takes his time. washing the travel grime off of himself. indulging in the hot water with a few soft sounds, trying to finally force himself to relax from the awkward situation he--well, they all have--been dumped into. but eventually, his muscles begin to lax a bit, his forehead pressed against the tile less in hopes of cracking his skull and more grateful for the little pressure it provides.
eventually though, he knows he needs to go back out and face reality. he's never shied from a challenge before (a fat fucking lie) and he's not about to now. so he shoves the lever to the off position, begins to towel himself off and starts shoving his clothes on only to hear--
ikuya asked if i would help him with some butterfly strokes.
and rin is stupid, and rin sees red as he shoves the door open, haru almost falling through in the process. fuck that cool, stupid guy!! fuck both of them! rin will forever be bitter that ikuya swam the im with haru, because haru ever swam fly for rin. and rin is a sore loser and is not letting this one go.
except the guy just shrugs and walks away, leaving rin to his own devices, free of torso coverings with his pants half pulled up. he grits his teeth and scoffs, muttering as he hauls himself back to his bed and continues getting dressed. he assumes that means haru is going out, probably waiting out for him......rin looks over at ai with a frown, as he dumps his towel on the bed, fumbling for his necklace and trying to rake his fingers through his hair to make it somewhat presentable]
...sure you just want to stay in tonight?
[rin asks awkwardly, giving ai a little look. he doesn't want his friend feeling alienated, like he has to hide himself away because of everything. he feels bad. extremely. because he knows everything they just fussed over not thirty minutes ago. or rather rin fussed over most of all. he trails his hand from his hair down his neck with a huff]
Y'know, you can always ask Sousuke if he wants to go out or whatever too. Don't think he's coming with.
[rin actually has no idea and thats a rude as hell assumption to make. but he shrugs as he pulls his red flannel over himself]
Just let me know if you need anything? I mean it.
no subject
Date: 2025-11-01 05:01 pm (UTC)When he's around his other friends, he makes faces he never makes around me. Since that time, it seems little has changed. And in an instant, Ai's gut is overwhelmed again for the umpteenth time with the latent shame at ever having once in his life assumed he stood a chance. A moment's mistake that is going to chase him to the very end of his life.
Ai shakes his head to himself. Not that long. Not if I try harder.
He lifts his head from where he'd been scrolling when addressed, giving Rin a kind smile he really doesn't want to plaster on his face,] I said it on the bus, didn't I? There's no way I can keep up with everyone tonight. I just need to rest for a little bit, and I'll be good as new tomorrow. Promise.
[Ai knows Sousuke isn't going out because he's texted Sousuke a handful of times since coming back to the hotel room and even Sousuke has offered to come keep Ai company but Ai has emphatically shot him down. Because it'd be so incredibly rude and insensitive to make his problem Sousuke's problem. He of course hasn't given any details - hasn't had the time to type that much, nor would Ai be inclined to bare his soul to anyone right now. All the same, it's an offer he's not taking up.
Just let me know if you need anything? I mean it. Ai nearly wants to laugh, but just nods kindly.]
Thank you, Rin-senpai. [Ai shifts to get off the bed, intent on using the shower as soon as Rin's cleared out. It's also a good excuse - gathering his clothes and a towel - to not have to look at him.] Have fun! Don't let Nanase-san run circles around you. Ah, tell Kirishima-senpai I'll see him tomorrow.
no subject
Date: 2025-11-04 03:37 am (UTC)he always keeps his word. never breaks a promise]
Agh, fine. Holding you to that.
[rin finally bites out, frowning with his hands shoved in his pockets as he's finally gathered himself into some state of dress that doesn't look like he just crawled half naked out of the shower to rise to some half-assed bait.
but rin lingers for a moment longer, watching ai gather some things for himself. taking care of himself last. rin thinks to himself dimly, rubbing his hand through his hair. he hates how much he fidgets with the back of his neck and his hair these days. a nervous tic embodied into something he relies on far too much for comfort and to ground himself. something sinks in rin, thinking maybe ai really doesn't want to be around him, wanted to be rooming with anyone else. and that just helps propel him out the door with a click of his tongue as he grabs his phone and wallet, slipping into his shoes]
Text me if you get tired, we'll be quiet when we come back.
[he lingers in the doorway for a moment. something feels stuck in his throat. but he hears ikuya down the hall, giving his farewells to sousuke he presumes... before that gets him out the door with one final wave]
no subject
Date: 2025-11-04 03:56 am (UTC)The moment the door shuts, Ai's face wipes clean. Rin's actions don't quite align with his words, and it settles unwell in Ai. Try harder. But then why does Rin look at him like that, as if begging Ai to beg for him? Try harder, and yet navigates to the hallway of the hotel floor with consideration as the last thing on his tongue? It'd be enough to send Ai's head into a tailspin if he wasn't already dead-set on being the one with a cooler head in all of this.
His shower is unremarkable. He washes his body and his hair and is grateful for once that he can stare at a tiled floor and not be reminded of the exact moment he ruined it all.
It's a long one, thirty-ish minutes spent letting his thoughts go with the steam; when he reemerges he's doing his best impression of a prune. The room is dead silent without anyone in it, which Ai finds in equal measure lonely and a relief. There is a small part of him that wishes he'd gone out, but... I just can't. I know someone would have something to say, and I can't do that right now.
Ai changes into pyjamas and settles back into his bed, looking at call times for the upcoming week on his phone. Then, he sees Sousuke's name flash on his screen.
>you stayed in?
>>I still wanted to shower.
>did you eat
>>I'll find something.
There is so much that is said in what isn't; Sousuke avoiding the obvious tells Ai he must have thoughts of his own, and that's enough for Ai to close his phone and rest it on his chest.
... It'd really be no good to go to bed hungry. Shimogami jacket on, Ai wanders down to the hotel lobby. Passes a few teammates who also stayed back, says hello. Finds a small kiosk-cafe where he orders some odds and ends in broken English... He brings a juice, a half baguette sandwich, and some dried fruit back up to the room. Spends about fifteen minutes eating it all at the desk, and throws away his trash. Back into bed, under the covers, but not quite settled.
Ai stares up at the ceiling. This constant, gnawing dread-- when last did he feel it so consistently? This isn't like me. I'm annoyed. A last ditch effort to be at peace with his own thoughts: headphones, plugged into his phone and pressed into his ear. It may be a while yet before his roommates return, and Ai would rather spend that time thinking about literally anyone or anything else; French indie rock seemed appropriate.]
no subject
Date: 2025-11-05 03:30 am (UTC)all he can think of is his roommate.
the one who rin had never seen in such a miserable state until just an hour or so prior. the one who rin had torn down to such a lowly demeanor throughout his transgressions and faults. they can vocalize all they want that it's in the past. they've put such things behind them, but rin knows something still gnaws at their cores. something that hasn't quite been shoved all the way aside. teetering and looming, with that shadow. that thing that always seems to be there.
one drink down, he pulls out his phone and stares at the screen. ikuya squints at him, asking if he's expecting someone. rin says no, and stuffs his phone back in his pocket.
two drinks down, he pulls it out again while the elder kirishima joins them and drags his brother out on the dance floor. ai might see something if he's looking at all about rin is typing... once or twice. but the glass is filled without him even asking.
three drinks down, and he watches ikuya and natsuya drag haru onto the dance floor. the bar is alive with patrons, and rin glances back down at his phone. he wonders what ai is doing. a shift of crimson towards the empty glass. all of this started because of alcohol. a drunken text, which turned to invitation and--
four drinks down, and his phone is stuffed in his pocket while he tries to navigate the dance floor with his friends amongst the swell of music.
five drinks down, and there's arms draped over his neck and cerulean is the only thing he can see. his stomach feels like it's in knots, and it feels too hot. there's a brush of foreheads just like back in the parking garage. but ikuya accidentally elbows rin, and then drags him off by the belt loop with a drunken stupid laugh. and rin snaps back into place with a jolt, even though his head feels so heavy. and when he looks at ikuya when they dance, that sinking feeling is gone.
eventually though, the high begins to die down. ikuya and natsuya dragging them back to the hotel. the two kirishimas are totally opposite one another. ikuya can hold it down pretty well, despite how many he's had. natsuya is a fucking mess and ikuya waves them off at the elevator, saying he has to make sure this guy ends up in the right room. rin lets out a stupid giggle and waves them off, and haru makes some weird hiccupy sound before the door closes and they're left alone again.
rin doesn't even bother to hide how fast he stumbles towards their room. he doesn't even know what time it is. his phone died a while back, him not charging it beforehand and leaving his screen open on an unsent text far too long probably did it in. but as he's in front of the door fumbling for his keycard, haru stumbles against his back and rin feels hot breath against his neck.
and his face burns as he shoves the door open probably harder than necessary, muttering a quick 'shit...sorry' though he's not sure if that's directed towards ai or haru who stumbles through the door when rin does. rin blinks over at ai on his bed, and lets out a little hiss of relief. at least he has headphones in but... rin bristles a little. because he's drunk and his mind immediately goes to the worst place and. he doesn't think he's ever seen ai go to sleep with headphones in...has he? or has he just somehow missed that in every capacity too?
bitterness washes over him. is he that bad of a friend?
but then something else floods him, and he grits his teeth. or did ai put his headphones in because he and haru--
rin tries so desperately to shove the thought aside as he quietly makes his way over to his bed. haru starts peeling his clothes off without shame, and rin bites his lip this time, whipping his head over his shoulder to hiss]
Oi. We've got roommates who haven't seen your bare ass y'know.
[haru blinks in confusion over at him, but shrugs and just makes some comment as he so kindly keeps his jammers on while he climbs into bed. rin barely catches it through the thick slur of his stupid drunken words, but it sounds like 'if you're that worried, do something about it' and rin wants to fucking scream into his pillow as he tries to shove the charger into his phone.
every orifice is fucking burning. the alcohol. his face. between his legs because he can't discern if haru was just making some smarmy comment or seriously implying that rin should go over and-- he quickly changes into his tank-top and briefs (in the bathroom!! thanks!!) before storming back out and throwing one of his shirts at haru with a mutter]
Be fucking respectful of other people, and put it on. Christ.
[haru looks at the shirt, looks at rin, shrugs and finally puts it on. rin shoves himself under his sheets, his phone back on. he squints at his messages, not seeing anything new...ah, there's one from sousuke. just a meme. one of ikuya dumping natsuya's ass in his room. cool cool. rin's thumb brushes over ai's contact and...
well. the message is gone. rin bites his lip and just shoots his roommate a quick]
sorry, hope we didn't wake you
[before he shoves his pillow over his head, squinting at his phone through the thick alcohol induced fog in his brain. whether they did or ai sees it in the wee hours of the morning, rin probably won't be sleeping for a while yet. too aware of every noise of ai and haru shifting in the sheets around him. it feels deafening]
no subject
Date: 2025-11-05 03:57 am (UTC)He has... Never, ever seen Rin drunk. Or Haruka, for that matter. It'd escaped his mind that this could be a possibility, and the downright sloppy, uncoordinated ways they both make it across the room have Ai peeling his headphones off...
Just in time to hear it, slurred or otherwise. Do something about it. He puts his headphones right back in.
If eyes were on him for even two seconds, it'd be obvious that Ai was watching them both up until the moment Haru started stripping; for his own sanity, he turns the volume up on the music he's listening to, resting down on his bed with his back to his two roommates. Surely if he becomes one with the white linen sheets, he could just. Disappear? And not have to play voyeur to whatever drunken, probably lust-fueled nothings are being muttered behind his back?
Because he'd been busy mostly trying to read up on their call sheets, some of their contemporaries from other teams, and some local history, Ai didn't have his texting window open; a few notifications from Sousuke, even, had gone unattended to.
But seeing Rin's name flash over his screen knowing full well the guy is about ten feet behind him? Ai hesitates to look over his shoulder for a moment, fearful of what he'll see. He ultimately doesn't, just. Stares at the message.
He makes a very quick edit to Rin's name in his contacts list first before tabbing into the message properly from his notification pane.
And then debates even replying. Was it worth it? Ai thinks Rin would read into it too much if he didn't type something. Much as he doesn't want to put the mask back on, however brief. His thumbs move with a haste as if he hadn't just heard Haruka make a pass at the guy,]
Hope everyone had fun!
[-- before lowering his phone to the mattress and staring into the middle distance, across the room to the door. His mind wipes blank, as if to match what little of his chest he has left to give. Two weeks of this? Mikhail-ojiisan was right, maybe.]
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Date: 2025-11-10 03:38 pm (UTC)he huffs, shoving his phone back under his pillow. it's tempting to throw that pillow over at someone. haru for being an asshole, or ai for being cryptic and weird. drunk rin would absolutely do something like that if he was still standing up. but then he just remembers porcelain scattered over tile, and swallows down the thought. all while he buries his face into his pillow.
even in a drunken stupor, sleep doesn't come easily. he can't tell if he's having nightmares all night, or just tossing and turning so aggressively or overheating or whatever, that light is slipping through the curtains before he knows it. and the migraines he's been able to fight off for so many weeks? no, this one is back in full force.
whether that's a famous hangover or lack of sleep, the world may never know. he has stubbornly refused to look around the room at all throughout the night. or even open his eyes. settling instead for keeping the sheets tugged over his eyes, or his face buried in his pillow. he hears his roommates throughout the night. and he wishes he couldn't. they were told not to go too crazy, and rin overdid it. he knows natsuya is a bad influence and he really shouldn't go out with the guy.
but then again there was the whole breathing in of the new city and riding the high of victory with friends and--
like fuck he's going on a jog this morning. groaning, he pulls himself up a bit to rest on his elbows, staring at the wall behind his pillow like it's personally done him some great offense. all through the stabbing pain throbbing through his head. he takes a swig from the bottle next to his bed, pressing the bottle against his temple for some chilled pressure point relief]
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Date: 2025-11-10 03:55 pm (UTC)Enough for sleep to hit him like a freight train, too mentally exhausted to fight it for once. Compared to Rin, he sleeps soundly, only waking up once or twice less because of the turmoil in the yawning gap of his chest and more from acclimation to a new environment, new sounds, even new people.
He'd set an alarm, bright and early, though manages to wake just soon enough to kill it before it can even ring once. Rin may be too hungover for a jog, and Ai isn't so sure offering for Haruka to come when he's also in a bad way is a good idea, so he sets to very very quietly changing into his activewear and, for the first time, steps out to the city. It's hard to take Paris in in all its splendor when cruising along at nine miles an hour, but all the same the old architecture and many dogs being walked on the sidewalks are enough to give him a bit more wind back in his sails - a motivation and peace he desperately needed.
He completes a circuit and approaches the hotel about an hour and a half later, reinvigorated and refreshed... Even if looking upon the facade curdles his gut some. Trepidation aside, Ai enters, rides the elevator up to their floor. Very very quietly unlocks the door with the room key, pushing it in quietly so as not to disturb those who are ailing... And who knows what else. Ai squeezes through the door, closes it quietly behind him, drops his running bag...
On the desk he places two bananas, two tall coffees, a pack of ginger chews, and two metallic tins of electrolyte oxygenated water. Spares a moment to try and gauge if either Rin or Haruka are awake, but... If they aren't, I don't want to be the one to wake them. And figures his attempts here speak for themself.
Ai gathers a clean change of clothes and escapes into the shower room, closing the door behind him.]
no subject
Date: 2025-11-14 04:03 pm (UTC)it would be one thing if the consideration and thoughtfulness only stretched so far as to one of them. but it was both. and that's when something lurches in rin that has little to do with the hangover that is beginning to fester. but then he hears the shower turn on, and that thing settles. at least momentarily. rin hauls himself out of bed, pressing his palm against his head with a little groan. haru still looks dead to the world, so rin tries to stay quiet as he walks over to the desk.
his hand raises to drag his thumb over the offerings. before he bites his lip, and turns his gaze towards the bathroom door. he really has been an ass about all of this, hasn't he? it's not that he didn't know that fact, but seeing this physical manifestation of pure kindness and selflessness towards the awkwardness of their situation rips him apart inside.
rin nibbles at one of the ginger chews, chasing it down quickly with a sip of his coffee, pressing the cup against his head as his brows furrow. he wanders back to his bed, pulling his phone out from under his pillow. he never replied to ai last night. and maybe that's for the best. maybe the drunk addled side of him would have lashed out in a less than kind manner. it's just all too easy to feel that distance growing larger and larger as the seconds tick on.
he hates how easy that side of him is to slip into]
thanks
[attached is a picture of the ginger chew wrapper next to the coffee, the banana half eaten]
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Date: 2025-11-14 05:28 pm (UTC)He rinses off his body and doesn't bother washing his hair. He examines his face in the glaringly bright mirror lights and counts the bags under his eyes, questioning if they've always been that prominent or if the mirror is playing tricks. He habitually ruffles his hair... And remembers their conversation from a few days before leaving for Paris. Ai brushes his hair back down with his fingers.
He's quiet as he enters back into the room, clad in day clothes. For the first few steps as he tries to tip-toe his way back to his bed, he keeps his eyes down, purposefully trying to avoid looking Rin's way. But... Just as he nears his own bed, it becomes impossible. Curiosity - habit - overtakes him, and sky blue eyes cast themselves sidelong to catch Haru - still very dead to the world - and Rin both in his gaze. Rin with a coffee cup pressed to his head. Ai's eyes aren't on him long enough to determine whether or not Rin's looked his way; Ai carefully and quietly slides back on top of his bed, one leg tucked under himself. Habitually takes hold of his phone again.
Sees Rin's text. He smiles, just barely, and resents the almost sweet feeling that blooms in his chest. He looks toward the evidence, the desk with only Haru's half still on it, and then another sideward glance is given Rin's way. Ai hates how he hesitates, words pummeling his frontal lobe but unable to put them down to the screen.
Still he tries, because at some point he will have to find a balance between try harder and he's still my friend,]
How are you feeling?
You look terrible.
[He sends it with a smile. A part of him doesn't want to open the floor, but... After a few seconds,]
How was last night?
no subject
Date: 2025-11-18 05:14 pm (UTC)a little smirk to himself as he glances over that you look terrible. must really be a pathetic sight for ai to say something like that huh?]
thanks a bunch
[he hopes the tone comes off as teasingly as its intended to be, while he quickly tacks on a thumbs down emoji after the fact. he takes another sip of the coffee, glancing over at haru's bed with a slight feeling of...disdain? confusion? frustration?
he isn't quite sure how to place it. especially when ai's last text comes through and there's an obvious tenseness in the lines of his shoulders. it's foggy but present. dancing, the burn of drink after drink sliding down his throat. there's no denying the fun they had--all of them had, last night. but with a glance back at ai, he can't help but still feel the tug of disappointment. that there was someone missing through the throngs of it all.
but then maybe it's a small blessing too. ai's already caught up in this tangled mess of rooming with the two of them. seeing everything last night might have been too raw and fresh for him. rin's trying this whole consideration thing instead of acting on his feelings and impulse. his thumb brushes over his screen. decidedly, there's no clear cut answer to give. but he settles with the best one he can muster]
it was fun :)
[...was it? seeing haru pull his blanket over his head, remembering being pressed against the door and that stupid comment he couldn't discern. was it teasing like always? meant to rile him up and have him spitting? or something else? rin doesn't know. and it's not important right now anyway. it was probably just the booze. there's no way that--]
run when i'm not half dead?
[he asks it, but for some reason, rin's already bracing himself for the refusal. dimly aware of the inches slowly being added to the distance between them. piece by piece]
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Date: 2025-11-18 05:36 pm (UTC)He reacts to Rin's thumbs down with a thumbs up emoji. Ai knows regardless of subjectively how he feels, it's for the better if he can leave room for Rin to start feeling better, physically and mentally. But the curiosity that plays at the forefront of his mind leads to a damning and dangerous thought of its own: I don't want to go out tonight. Not with them. Especially not when it appears Rin got on just fine without him present the night before. Ai's acutely aware he'd be a burden, and knowing Sousuke would likely be part of the pack too, doesn't want to proliferate this mess beyond the walls of their hotel room.
I'm getting ahead of myself. Besides, this will be normal going forward. It's for the best I get used to it.
He squints when Rin sends-- is that a smiley? Despite himself, Ai looks over to him with a blink and folded eyebrows.
And he, too, watches as Haru pulls the covers over his head. Ai doesn't think he's ever seen the guy so animated, neither last night or right now. They must've really thrown them back, he thinks. Or is it just the natural progress of being in Rin's orbit again? He'd been so unabashed about putting his hands on him-- Ai rubs his hand over his forehead, mussing up his fringe. Stop thinking about things that aren't important!
He pulls his legs up on the bed, bent in front of his chest, phone held closer to his lap than his face. Rin's invitation for a run is sweet, but...]
I just came back from one.
Ah, but I can go a second round.
[Friends jog together all the time. So this much is fine, right? After just a small delay he then tacks on,]
We should ask Nanase-san when he's awake if he wants to come.
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Date: 2025-11-23 03:44 am (UTC)if only they both knew the things that was going through the other's head, unfortunately. it might make all of this a little easier.
but rin tenses a little at ai mentioning haru because. it's not that he wouldn't want haru coming with them. but isn't that just the problem entirely? haru being caught up in all of this because of rin's stupidity and ai brandishing hurt feelings (rightfully so...) from all of it? he chews his bottom lip a little, glancing over his shoulder--]
not touching that guy with a ten foot pole hungover. let alone for a run
[haru hates the shit out of land training as is. running is the bane of his existence away from his precious water. a good excuse as is, so rin can just put some of the awkwardness behind him. he stands up, pressing his fists into the small of his back with a little noise. all while downing the rest of his coffee and tossing the cup in the trash. he ties his hair back, stretching out his arms a bit, before rolling his shoulders and grabbing a few clothes from his (still partially unpacked) bag.
he looks over his shoulder, voicing quietly be right back if ai of course has the capacity to keep staring at his mental nemesis after whatever grandeur display the poor guy was witness to the night before. rin tucks into the bathroom to change and brush his teeth with a grimace while he tosses ai another text]
you eat yet?
no subject
Date: 2025-11-23 03:57 am (UTC)[If you're that worried, do something about it. What utter cruelty is it if he's the only one who remembers that in this room? Ai itches at a spot on his cheek just below his beauty mark. Speaking of things he doesn't want to touch with a ten foot pole...
Though he's done his best to try and not minimize Rin's personal space by constantly looking at him even if they are texting together, when Rin gets up off his bed and stretches, Ai almost thinks it looks cat-like in how groggy it is... And how un-cat-like in how gruff and ungraceful it is. Not that Rin's looking his way, but Ai simpers at him all the same. Rin's eager to get to it, it seems. Ai's limbered up, and now a little rested, but he wonders silently if he'll be able to go a full second round...
It's funny, the dichotomy. How heavy his heart feels, but how light and almost normal everything else feels in its mundanity. A sink running; a groggy wakeup call. Was this how Rin felt the first year they met?]
Are you texting from the bathroom?
[He has to stifle his laugh, not wanting to disturb Haruka. Really, Ai does feel bad... Somehow it feels even worse leaving him behind than it does for Ai himself to stay behind. If there were questions to raise, Ai didn't want to raise them. Suspicions, Ai wanted to dodge them. It'd be good luck if he doesn't care at all. Passively, maybe unjustifiably and a little cruelly, Ai suspects without bruises on his neck, he's much less of a threat now.
Right, Rin's text needed a reply--]
Just a protein bar. I saw lots of 'brunch' places in the area, though.
you're doing it again
Date: 2025-11-23 04:22 am (UTC)[rin is just thinking that they were a little loud coming in, that's all. and haru was getting way too comfy getting naked in front of their friends ( a habit he seemed to have ditched a while back but comes back full throttle intoxicated apparently!). it doesn't dawn on him that ai might have heard that line. only because rin is trying to shove it so deep into the trenches of his head it can never hope to crawl out. no way that really happened anyway]
would you rather i scream from the bathroom to talk to you???
[well that at least seems like a typical ai answer. one not plagued by whatever this awkward situation is and however badly rin has fucked up their friendship going forward. ugh, baby steps in the right direction. it's all he can do.
his mouth still tasted sour from the booze last night. and now it tastes like fucking mint, and nothing has ever woken him up and sobered him faster. he tries fumbling with his hair, noting the deep bags under his eyes. yeah no, he really did sleep like shit last night. he grimaces, and just settles on keeping it tied back, quickly changing before exiting the bathroom.
he dumps the dirty clothes unceremoniously next to his bed, he'll...designate his pile over here. more distance he can put between him and haru's bed and interactions after all. pulls his phone back out and squints at his messages]
i'll buy for waking you up last night
YOU LITERALLY FUCKING STARTED IT THIS IS YOUR FAULT YOU ASSHOLE
Date: 2025-11-23 04:36 am (UTC)You kind of fell through the door.
[And flirted, I think. But Ai sure as shit is not typing that out. Thankfully, Rin's follow-up text to Ai taunting him has Ai biting his bottom lip to keep from laughing; double duty as he presses the side of his palm to his lips. Would that Rin left the bathroom door open, and Ai could have seen him brushing his teeth with one hand, furiously trying to type with the other, foam around his lips...
Rin's hair is tied back, which tells Ai they're really doing this. So much for day clothes; so as not to belabour their departure, Ai keeps on his t-shirt (a plain white, slightly oversized, with dark navy banding on the hems) but opts to toss his joggers back on. Doesn't bother trying to traipse across the room to go into the bathroom to do so; he has it on damn good authority Rin couldn't give less of a shit, so Ai changes on the side of his bed furthest away from the center of the room.
He clips his runner's bag over his chest and toes his shoes on quietly near the door... Looks at his phone. Then to Rin. Then back to his phone to reply,]
Ah, you didn't. I was already awake.
So please keep your money!
HAVE SOME FUCKING SELF CONTROL WITH FOOD IN RP BRO blame game isn't cool
Date: 2025-11-23 04:54 am (UTC)shut up, that asshole pushed me
[not really, but whatever helps you sleep at night bud. he tosses his jacket over his shoulder, squinting for a minute and then tying it around his waist instead. it's not that cold out. it's a little later in the day, so hopefully it's chill and not deathly hot. he tries not to stare at ai while he's changing. it's funny, when you have someone's dick in you or in your mouth, tends to make your gaze instinctively tug towards them. but rin remains as stoic as possible, staring pointedly at the floor.
he squints at his phone as he starts towards the door, a little closer to ai than he means to because. why does that text feel fucking fake? he grits his teeth as he pulls his shoes on and opens the door for ai. there's no thought behind it. except okay yeah there is. a memory from when he first arrived in tokyo all those months ago, held the door open for him and--]
I don't believe you.
[rin huffs when they finally get into the hallway, pulling out his phone to shoot a quick text to haru (not that he'll read it before they get back but) that they were leaving for a while and shoving it back into his pocket and making his way towards the elevator]
No way, I'm buying. Just let me do this, please dude?
[he jams his finger against the button, fixing ai with a heavy, pleading look. why does he feel so bad? he hates feeling like shit over something out of his control]
i wanted to 'yes, and' :'(
Date: 2025-11-23 05:12 am (UTC)But.
He remembers it, too. Word for word. Remembers the slight film of a drinkable broth still in his mouth, and the way city lights painted over Rin's fair skin, and how light and easy it had all been.
What, you hold the door open for everyone you bring home?
Only the ones I really like.
And he knows Rin remembers. And so Ai knows he isn't just being polite, it isn't possible. It's maybe for the best Rin immediately levels him with an accusation the moment they both step out; it saves a bittersweet expression from kissing Ai's countenance, instead overcome with a frown.]
I was! [It's a hushed protest.] I was listening to music and studying time tables for the coming week.
[Does it matter? If Rin had woken him up by accident, it isn't as if Ai would have been upset by it. Rather... Rin pleads for Ai to let him do this much. And Ai doesn't get it, because when ever has ten or twenty bucks been such a big deal between them? It's like he's overcompensating. Ai shrinks under that look. And he doesn't know how to reply; he wants to tell Rin to keep his money a second time. But, if Ai takes his sore glasses off for even two seconds, he can tell Rin's trying to grasp at-- something. Even if he doesn't understand what, he isn't going to mince over something so ultimately vapid... He softly grips the strap of his runner's bag, looking at Rin sidelong.]
Well... Sure. It isn't as if I mind. [His eyebrows knit with his confusion. There's only one thing he can pin it to,] But it isn't as if you owe me anything, senpai.
[For the coffee and things. Assuming it's anything other than that will bring Ai right back to the heel he took to his jaw last night, he thinks, and he isn't so sure he's ready to endure that again just yet. Rin's guilt; what Ai thought he begged of him.]
whatever you say
Date: 2025-11-29 06:43 pm (UTC)but then he thinks maybe he's being too pushy, taking things a step too far. it's obvious the way ai shrinks a little bit under his words and rin almost immediately jerks backwards. his mind flits immediately to the one corner it shouldn't. that stupid night where everything shattered. where he shattered everything. and in the days and weeks that followed, he only amplified it really. made things worse. and apparently he's still following suit in that.
but it's a blink and miss it thing. which makes whatever was curdling in rin's chest slowly die down. he watches ai carefully, gripping at his bag, giving him that sidelong look. he's just looking for anything, anything that might indicate he's stepping further and further past the point of no return. he refuses to tarnish things again like that]
...you think I'm doing this because I 'owe you something'?
[his own brows press down as they make their way down the hallway, and rin jabs the elevator button with much more ferocity than was really necessary]
I'm doing it because I want to.
[another jab at the button like that will make it get here faster. rin rubs the back of his neck]
...nevermind. Sorry. Wasn't trying to be an ass. Just tired.
[he backpedals. he doesn't want to fight. not now. not when things were finally starting to seem normal]
no subject
Date: 2025-11-29 07:02 pm (UTC)It makes sense, like this. He expects me to keep up. If I don't, I'm weak.
I'm useless.
Ai watches Rin jab furiously at the button, rotating his reality around in his head. The more he does the very thing he thinks Rin's asked of him, the more Rin grows irate. A rock and a hard place. Ai's rebuilt himself from nothing before, but this all felt too much too soon; he was only human. And Rin knew that much, right?
But even when he's far away, Rin-senpai would never be mean. Rather... It really is as if he's telling me to hurry up.
Rin apologizes right as the elevator arrives on their floor. Ai looks at him properly, meeting his eyebags and distant expression with an attempt at an apologetic smile he barely has the energy to conjure.]
It's okay. Besides, no matter how you look at it, I've put you in a difficult position. But I promise I'm doing my best, too. [To try harder.
Ai steps into the elevator ahead of Rin.]
Then, next one is on me.
[It's a phantom feeling that overcomes him. A ghost he can't quite shake. The pressure on his shoulders so familiar in its weight; Ai suddenly rubs the side of his neck, fingers dragging down clean, unmarred skin. If he had been just a little stronger, so much would be different.
He presses the button for the ground floor. Thinking like this is no use. Get it together, Aiichirou!]
The exchange rate is pretty unfair, isn't it? We're lucky we get a stipend for these kinds of things.
no subject
Date: 2025-12-01 09:14 pm (UTC)[rin's voice comes off a little sharper than he intends. but he's tired, this situation is exhausting, ai is running circles around him with whatever the hell funk he's in. not that rin is saying he can't feel that way, but...]
The only place you need to try your best is at the pool. That's where it matters most!
[rin is blissfully unaware of the way ai has misunderstood him, how rin has misunderstood his own verbiage and wording. communication would go a long way with these two, but that can be tricky given the circumstances. the elevator door closes behind him, and by some small miracle it's just the two of them. seems the team had the right idea getting sloshed and sleeping in late. athletes deserve a break every now and again after all.
but ai seems to drop it, and rin doesn't know if that's a diversive tactic or some small blessing in disguise. he bites his lip, watching ai rub his neck. seems they both have their self soothing habits that match the other's. but maybe that's the end of it. maybe rin should stop pushing him so much, let him decide whatever the hell he wants.
and so. rin drops it.
his gaze fixates instead on the down arrow, the floors flashing by as they slowly clamber down the building. but well, he would be a hypocrite if he didn't try too wouldn't he? so rin huffs, and drags his hand away from his hair, shoving it in his pocket]
Exchange rates are ass. You either get ripped off, or feel like you're doing the ripping off.
no subject
Date: 2025-12-01 09:28 pm (UTC)[He says it quietly, almost frustratedly. The elevator feels like a means of keeping that type of conversation back out in the hall, though. As they ride it lower toward the lobby, Ai reminds himself that these sorts of things really shouldn't matter so much. And in so many words, Rin does, too. His hand falls away from his neck, folded politely in front of his body, and he gives Rin a smile paired with a cant of his head.]
That much is obvious, too. [There's a small spark in his eye, the hint of a hope and light that hasn't been there for a while. Ai still doesn't know where to find his strength for his swimming when the source of it at the moment is so muddied and confused, but he knows he can. This training camp and its arrangement is, in a way, begging for him to figure it all out. His eyes slide off Rin and to the corner of the elevator,] I didn't make it this far just to kick rocks. Once I'm in the water, it'll be easier to focus.
[The elevator dings for the lobby, the door yet unopened. Ai tentatively slides his eyes back to Rin.]
When you frown like that, it's a really bad look, senpai.
[The door opens and Ai again pushes forward ahead of Rin, not bothering to wait or look back. A few of their teammates are in the lobby, but not many, and most still in sleep clothes. Ai exits out the front of the lobby, jogging in place to psyche himself up while waiting for Rin to do the same before they take off.]
I'll follow your route. Let's go!
no subject
Date: 2025-12-02 02:27 am (UTC)i didn't make it this far to kick rocks.
something swells in him. it's a cocktail of pride and disgust. pride at thinking how far ai has come over time. disgust at himself for immediately thinking of that being something he would say all those years ago. ai's tone doesn't carry the same cut, sure. but it's there. all curdled together with that. frowning. it's something he does too much nowadays, isn't it? something he did too much back then, wasn't it?
his fist is tight at his side as ai leaves without another word. and rin is left to stand stupidly there. it would be easy to retreat. let those doors swallow him up, and go right back upstairs into another bad decision. but rin likes to think he's grown up. maybe moved a little past those cruel words haru has hurled at him before. but what if he hasn't? what if he's still just that stupid, selfish person leaving broken things everywhere he goes?
with teeth gritting, he pushes after ai. stubbornly? or is it more to prove everyone around him wrong? he starts his pace the moment he exits the doors, refusing to drop his pace or make it easy. even through the way his body aches, the way he can feel the bags tugging underneath his eyelids, his head throbbing minutely...]
You're one to talk. Smile once in a while.
[rin bites his lip, exhaling as they begin to course up a small hill in the sidewalk, winding up a steep road. right. no easy way out of this. it's always an uphill battle]
What's your problem anyway? It's like we talked last night, and some weird switch clicked in you.
[panting and jogging is probably not the best time to have this conversation but. rin's trying to not leave things unsaid nowadays]
no subject
Date: 2025-12-02 02:52 am (UTC)You're one to talk. Smile once in a while. Ai doesn't even have the capacity to try and refute that. He's given Rin hollow mirrors, but when was the last time he shared something genuine? This, too, lodges in his head as something he needs to be better at. Rin will have to wait, though; he's taken the opposite turn Ai had earlier that morning out of the building, and their steep incline means Ai is trying to focus more on not overexerting himself on the upward push than he is on trying to think of the right words to say. A rarity for him; usually he didn't really think about what came out of his lips at all.
What's your problem anyway?
Ai's eyes snap up to Rin's back. He almost stumbles where he jogs, front of his foot catching on a cobbled crevice.
It's like we talked last night, and some weird switch clicked in you.
Ai stops.
For a few fleeting moments, he watches Rin's back. Feeling as if he's presently existing in two realities: one where Rin wants him to pull back, and one where Rin is frustrated at him doing so. He remembers the order as clear as day, barked quietly to not stir Haruka in the shower.
I'll stop feeling guilty when you stop giving me a reason to.
I'm trying.
Well try harder!
If Rin stops, or looks back, he'll see furrowed eyebrows, pulled lips, and a rare flash of anger and betrayal in dull blue eyes. At once, Ai tries to surge forward again; he'd just told himself he can't let these kinds of things hold him back, after all. Even as he comes up to Rin's side, Ai is unabashed in letting his hurt cultivate every single wrinkle on his face.]
I'm doing exactly what you told me to. [His feet pounding into the paved Parisian sidewalks feel leaden.] Even if you hadn't, it's the only responsible course, isn't it?
[Ai minds his countenance, not that it's much better. Instead, he's grimacing down at the floor flying beneath their feet rather than Rin.]
I'm done giving you reasons to feel guilty. I just need time to do it properly.
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