for @buttterfly - post-tfln

[taeru]

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[buttterfly]

"Hold the door open for her like that, and she'll really disown me."

Slipping back into comfortable banter is nice. It eases the tension in him. Whether that's stemming from the "what ifs" the "i suck as a friends" or the "what the fuck am i doing with myselfs" and he waits for Ai to step in before grabbing a seat at the counter.

It's crowded, but manageable at least. Less so than the room of little elbows just outside the door. Being close to a university and all... it makes sense. Ugh. Rin makes a mental note to wake up a little earlier to go jogging, before the inevitable wave of students trudging to class gets going.

He looks at his phone really quick, seeing a few texts from Gou. He gives her a quick reply that he's landed and is feeding himself and not to worry before he stuffs it back in his pocket. His chin rests on his hand as he takes in the sights and smells of the place. It's quiet for a moment between them, before Rin breaks it.

"Ah, you're sure it's okay for me to stay right? Like you're not just saying that and then going to decide you miss having floor space right?" He laughs, but it comes out a bit more of a nervous bubble than anything. Self deprecating is in his blood, after all. Cautiously optimistic about things, never wanting to put too much weight into them... he shakes his head, laughing awkwardly again.

"Sorry. Seriously, I did not get a wink of sleep."

[taeru]

Ai settles in right beside Rin at the counter, habitually smiling at one of the chefs behind it, who seems to be moving about the food line as if he's done it ten-thousand times, and he probably has. There's a small menu laminated and taped to the counter wall, and Ai leans down to read it a bit better. The silence that falls between him and Rin is comfortable; it reminds him very much of their time sharing a dorm together. Ai would wager a majority of their time had been spent in peaceful silence and co-existence. At least on Ai's end, it never felt awkward; there was an intrinsic trust in Rin's presence, and his gut even now hasn't changed on that one.

Rin's voice has his head turning before his eyes do, wanting to make a mental note of what he feels he'll order, before he actually listens to Rin. And then Ai is left staring at Rin with knit eyebrows and a sincerity crossing his countenance. If he were more bold, he'd reach out to squeeze Rin's shoulder, his hand, something - unfortunately, though Ai's hand twitches in his lap, he can't quite conjure the willpower to bridge that gap.

He responds without even an ounce of hesitation, "I could not think of someone I'd rather have sharing my apartment than you, Rin-senpai." And then his voice grows just a touch quieter, "I've... I missed you. In all the ways I possibly could." His expression turns reassuring, with a small glint in his eye - trying not to turn the conversation too serious, "So if you need to make yourself feel better about it, imagine it as me being selfish, and let me have this one thing."

He immediately turns his attention to the chef, "One kake-soba, please."

[buttterfly]

Food is momentarily lost on him. Only because the corners of his eyes feel wet, and hot. That familiar sting that he swallows down the second he feels it beginning to creep up.

Let me have this one thing.

...right.

He tries to laugh it off, failing miserably and some stupid sounding blubbering laugh spits out instead. Which only makes him laugh even more, as he looks over the menu, asking the chef to double the order. Well, at least some people miss him. Have room for him in their lives still.

Rin shoves aside the thought, ordering himself a hot tea that tastes so much like home. He doesn't know what to say again, awkward flubbing through this conversation like he did his 100m his first year back at regionals. Ai is easy to talk to. That familiarity they always fell into back at their dorm was so comforting. Some of the better memories of his life post down under. Maybe there's room for better memories post down under part two.

"What made you settle on Tokyo anyways? You always seemed like the kind of guy to stay in a small town."

[taeru]

It wasn't the intended outcome, but Ai knows Rin well enough to know that a spot of waterworks is par for the course. He doesn't tease, doesn't belabour it; just flashes Rin a gentle smile, somewhere between apologetic and reassuring. Internally, it makes Ai wonder exactly how much Rin is filling his own cup, if at all. How lonely are you?

The question thankfully is banal enough to act as a perfect portal to a conversation that might not veer into territory that'd press Ai's 'cry on command' button too - his composure at most times was only barely stronger than Rin's, after all. They both had the issue of wearing their hearts on their sleeves.

"Well, I got into my top school, so my hand was kind of forced. But I think I'd want the experience anyway. Don't they say cities can change you? And besides, so many of our friends came out this way, I didn't want to feel too left behind..." He tilts his head, paired with a simper. "It is a lot though. I'm still not sure if I'll stay in a place like this forever." He looks to Rin, completely skipping over the fact his eyes are still wet, "How similar is it to Sydney do you think?"

[buttterfly]

The benefit of being weighed down for literal years by your own waterworks is the ease in which you can slip a mask on. Which Rin does, extremely well.

He nods. All perfectly logical, and reasonable. Damn, everyone really stuck together huh? Even if they are in different universities, prefectures. All bound together by camaraderie, and bound into one country together. Rin stares into his tea for a moment. Australia, the olympics. All these things had always been the end game, right? Sydney was the best way for that to happen. And maybe a little distance for his own journey of self exploration was... healthier still. Free from societal expectations as rigid as Japan's.

"Nothing like this." Rin scoffs lightheartedly, taking to swirling his tea in his cup. An out of sorts as he desperately craves something to do with his hands while waiting for their food. "Stuff's spread out a bit more. Buildings, people. Coming back to this humidity is no joke. Makes me feel like I'm on a different planet."

He knows Ai isn't asking about the weather. And that's when he pauses a bit. Trying to clamber over words that feel like oil on his tongue. Eventually, however, they do come to fruition. Though a bit more muted than his normal volume.

"Lonely as shit though, I tell you what. The guys are all real nice there. Everyone is. But definitely not the same as the people you grew up with."

Rin is thankfully saved from running his mouth any further, when two bowls are slid in front of them. And he takes to just shoving food in his mouth, and listening to whatever Ai has in response. Or maybe he'll get lucky and there will be no talking at all now that there's food in front of them.

[taeru]

Ai would like to think that if given the opportunity, he'd fly out to Australia to visit in a heartbeat. But he'd never want to impose, would never ever want to be the one to make that decision. Rin's words spell all, after all; the people he misses, the ones who make up his core are people not currently sitting at the soba restaurant counter. Ai knew his place in Rin's life, unique and niche as it was, and often had to remind himself not to get sucked into thoughts of insecurity - or worse, jealousy. Second best. No, third best. Has to remind himself that friendship is never that black-and-white. It wasn't four years ago, and it isn't now.

The arrival of their food is the perfect mental foot-in-mouth, stopping Ai's thoughts dead in their tracks as he immediately picks up his chopsticks, says thanks for the meal, and begins to dig in. The broth is warm, light, and subtly bright. Like a perfect salve both for his stomach and for his spirit.

He exhales a satiated sigh and very nimbly dodges the elephant in the room and chooses to hone in on low hanging fruit instead, "Eighty-five percent humidity couldn't stop me from eating a second bowl." He takes another mouthful, and then another. "Ahh, it makes me want to visit a bathhouse..."

[buttterfly]

There's. Something.

Rin can't quite pinpoint it. But Ai looks almost contemplative. But it's over a moment later, and his usual tone takes over. Rin gives him a look, but decides against pressing the issue. There's better, easier things anyhow. And Rin has no right to put his renewed roommate under the microscope. Not when he keeps so much of his own shit in his own head.

"You're nuts. I think I'd rather submerge myself with polar bears." He tries to keep the mood lighter than whatever he had been divulging into prior. Yes Australia was great but not great. Nobody else wants, or needs to hear about it all the time. He's just grateful for the new opportunity. Good food, good company. Yep. All good.

"So. Tell me something." He pries after he's eaten a bit more, leaning back in his chair a bit. "We're all chasing things. What's on the horizon for you? University now, sure. But what after?"

[taeru]

Ai titters, and the noise is genuine; whatever glimpse of something Rin thought he saw is now professionally covered up, spackled, sanded and painted.

"You say that, but I'm sure after the travel you've had, a nice hot bath at a sentou would be just the thing." Or maybe Ai is projecting? He was incredibly fond of any pool of hot water, especially so when stressed.

He's about finished with the contents of his bowl when Rin poses his question, and Ai looks to him with a considering expression. And a flash of that something again, for a moment, there and gone. Clearly a key component of a lot of his inner machinations.

"I'm not sure, to be honest. A part of me wanted to try and stay in the same world as everyone else," that of a swimmer, "But..." I'm outclassed. It isn't realistic, "Maybe it isn't in the cards for me." His spine straightens then, though, and he gestures with his hands as if clicking the shutter on a camera. "But I'm enjoying photography a lot, so maybe there's something there. Or I can get a boring job and keep the things I like as hobbies."

[buttterfly]

Ugh. Yeah, right again. He can't wait to get the layer of travel washed off of him. It feels like a second skin. A very grubby one, at that.

Maybe Rin misses that flash the second time around. Maybe he was busy listening while finishing off his food. Or maybe he was just blissfully ignorant to its existence two times in such a short span. But Rin likes listening to Ai talk. He certainly didn't do enough of it their first year, second room he was shacked up with Sousuke and well.

"I think you're driven enough to do anything you put your mind to." Rin adds thoughtfully. That little gesture is almost cute. He smirks at it, letting his chopsticks rest on the side of the bowl. "Don't think I forgot how you busted your ass second year. Beat out the best breaststroke time on the team. Now that's dedication."

A boring job, huh. He leans back a little in his chair, staring thoughtfully at the counter. Keeping hobbies as hobbies, fun like how they're supposed to be. He wonders what it's like to live in that kind of world. To not be so driven that everything is a competition, and needing to be the best of the best. Maybe it's refreshing. Or maybe it's lonely when all your other friends are striving for bigger and better. Rin tips his head.

"Still, no rush. Just figure out what works and doesn't yeah?"

[taeru]

"That's kind of you to say." And he knows Rin means it - Ai just wishes he could believe it, truly and deeply. He's made many strides since the beginning of high school, has straightened his backbone, grown confidence, learned to love himself and even his body. But there is perpetually one nagging, needling feeling that sits in the back of his head:

I feel so useless.

He's aware of it, at least. And knows that even if he missed the natural talent boat, he is the hardest working person he knows. What he doesn't have readily at his disposition he will always try to make up for with late nights and pure, raw, unmitigated effort. It's just hard not to be caught up in that insecurity, sometimes. Especially when half of your friends and friends of friends went on to be Olympians!

"I think I still owe Sousuke-senpai some kind of debt for all of his help," he chimes. Then looks at Rin sidelong, smile finally reaching his eyes. "And you, for the mysterious water bottles and protein bars I'd find near my gym bag."

Ai clasps his hands together after setting his chopsticks down, letting out a low and happy sigh. "That was delicious! And I'm so full... I might have to be rolled back to the apartment." And before Rin can even think of trying to intervene, Ai is sitting up and gesturing to the shopkeep, paying for both of their meals in cash.

[buttterfly]

Rin doesn't have time to retort. Not to the water bottles or snacks he would leave in the locker-room. Nor in the way Ai already sat up to pay for their meals. He grits his teeth, trying to fumble for his wallet even though it's already too late.

"Hey. I don't need to be playing who pays first with you too. Seriously."

It's a halfhearted scowl that crosses his face. More at the sense of being the loser of this game. Usually he's better, quicker but. Alas he has a few things to learn he guesses. Side swiped by a deeper conversation. The shopkeep takes Ai's money, and Rin grumbles as he shoves his wallet back in his jacket. Is he pouting as he slumps in his chair? No. Of course not. But maybe there's a touch of color on his face, one that matches his hair, as he mutters.

"...thanks." He rubs the back of his head awkwardly.

"Ugh. That was a one time thing. Got it?"

[taeru]

"Just be faster next time," he chimes in a sing-song, casting Rin a wide, sunny smile as he takes his change and pockets it. There is only one word for Rin's current pouting: cute. In fact, as Ai pulls away from the eating counter, he laughs! Not at Rin; he's simply taken by how fond he is of the man beside him.

It's a perfect break from the threat of a sullen mood. More than anything, the way Rin's cheeks fluoresce is the detail Ai will be scribing into his journal tonight.

Ai pats down his shirt to lay it flat, waiting for Rin to get himself settled before approaching the door back toward the street, "We could head back, or we could explore a bit. Crowds have probably died down since rush hour and classes are over." Ai doesn't want to pressure Rin either way; they had plenty of time to explore, after all.

[buttterfly]

"Whatever." He mutters, swallowing down trying to whatever heat he can still feel coloring his cheeks. Rin stands, following Ai out into the less bustling streets.

Exploring sounds. Nice. Tempting. A break from whatever conundrums his brain is conjuring at any given second. It would keep his hands, and head busy. But he's also dimly aware of having that layer of a twelve hour plane ride still sticking to him, and how he hasn't slept in a good 24 hours or so. He contemplates for a minute.

Except the choice is a fairly obvious one.

"Show me around a little? Too early for me to go to bed anyways." Attaboy. Jet lag is the perfect excuse. He just needs to keep his head busy for another hour or two, go shower and then turn into a corpse for a good twelve hours.

[taeru]

It was an easy problem to fix either way; if Rin wanted to explore, but just a little, they could simply make their way back toward the apartment in a slightly roundabout way. Ai could think of several streets that were jam-packed with things to see, even a little park just a bit south of the apartment itself; the route was clear.

"At this hour, it does kind of remind me of Samezuka," Ai admits, walking right beside Rin, arms eased at his sides, eyes up and rapt. Whatever weird cloud had threatened to hang over him back in the soba shop is well dissipated. "How you could be taking an evening jog and see gaggles of people here or there, wondering what they're doing. And if you went off-campus, feeling the allure of all the late night snack stores..."

As they walk, he gestures. "There's a karaoke bar, I've taken Sousuke-senpai and Momo-kun there a few times." A beat, and then he rectifies, "Sousuke-senpai might kill me if he knows I said that, though. So it stays between us."

[buttterfly]

Ai is right. Samezuka held a certain captivation to it after hours. Students mostly behaved themselves, which gave them more free reign. Jogging after hours was refreshing. An opportunity to clear his head. Thanks to Ai's description, he was able to vividly picture it. Like they were almost wandering the campus together as he spoke.

He smiled. A karaoke bar, huh?

"Wow, you guys really do get into trouble." A playful jab, no real weight behind it. Drinking, karaoke, exploring the streets of Tokyo. The real university experience. When do any of them even have time to train anymore? Do they sleep? Rin snorts. A little memory tickles the back of his head.

"I've wanted to swim with you forever. Please let me show you how far I've come."

"You're our captain. Let's do this while we can."

Oh. Oops. There's that stupid little wetness pooling in the corners of his eye. It stings, and he rubs his eye with the back of his hand, trying desperately to focus on the surroundings. The little shops littering the street, the warm hum of the scant crowds around them.

"Got it. I won't say a word. Pinkie promise. You guys do that often?"

[taeru]

"Only as much as we did before you left. I still can't beat your karaoke score, though..." It was kind of true that Sousuke brought out the worst in Ai, and Momo was usually there to egg him on - if worst can be compared to slightly less stuck up than usual. He was, after all, still a young man who enjoyed having fun with his friends, among other things. Compared to most of the team - Sousuke and Momo and Rin included - Ai was still one of the best behaved! Just slightly mischievous.

Rin still has no idea about the number of nights Ai had spent sneaking out onto the fire escapes, not to smoke or drink but just to cry in peace. Ai had many many extremely late nights, none of them spent having ragers and making mistakes but trespassing in order to work his ass off for better swim times. Ai wasn't above breaking rules, he was simply very judicious about when he chose to do so.

He's about to say more when he notices that glassy sheen to Rin's eyes again. And Ai stares for a moment, silence hanging between them even as Rin ushers it along and poses a new question. As a silent reassurance, Ai tugs just once at Rin's sleeve - whatever it is, it's alright - before taking Rin's cue and paying it no more attention.

"Not really," comes the profoundly uninteresting answer. "But when we can, it's fun. What about in Australia, senpai? You're friends with Kirishima-senpai's brother, right? He doesn't really talk about him much."

[buttterfly]

There's always been a silent gratefulness in the way Ai is able to tune into things. Kinder still, that he doesn't speak on them, letting small actions bring his words to fruition. The touch on his sleeve is met with a grateful look. Once upon a time, it might have been met with Rin ripping away from it, arguing that he's fine and maybe Ai should pay attention to his own shit first.

Something unfurls in him. God, he really was cruel, wasn't he? He shoves that thought aside, grateful for the change of topic.

"Dude's a loose canon." Rin scoffs, rolling his shoulders a bit and stuffing his hands in his pockets. "If he isn't drowning himself in some alcoholic beverage, it's harassing people for existing."

"Wow, adulterous. Just how many guys do you want to swim with?" His face burns a little as he shoves that memory aside as well, shaking his head.

"Guy's a killer swimmer though. He'd probably be an olympian already if he took it easy on the booze. Other than that though... well. I don't do much outside of dryland and swimming." It's a painful admission. And not for lack of trying from his teammates or acquaintances down there. It sounds fun. He's gone out a few times, but not much. He's serious about his end game. Everyone has teased him for being so driven.

[taeru]

Ai immediately barks out a laugh - with what little he knows of Ikuya's personality and Rin's patience, the idea of Rin's only named friend in Australia being a loose cannon is extremely funny to him. He even has to lift a hand to cover his wide grin, almost an apology for pretty explicitly laughing at Rin.

"It seems to me someone has a type." Rin's complained about troublemakers at least thrice since arriving! How much of a complaint can it be when he keeps surround himself with people who get on his nerves? Even if Ai's own ranking was somewhat disingenuous, the number of times he's drank alcohol countable on less than one hand.

Ai hums to the heart of Rin's answer, though. "You went there for a reason, so it makes sense you're very focused. I don't think I could imagine you any other way." And Rin's drive was scary. To the point Ai often belaboured or procrastinated on sending him texts out of fear of stealing Rin's time. It says a lot the first time Rin had heard from him in months was the one time in months Ai had a sip of alcohol.

It does beg a question though, Ai not thinking too deeply on it, "There's a gym close to the apartment, by the way. And I have a small setup in my bedroom but I think you lift more than I do..." Think? He knows. Ai was a twig compared to Rin.

[buttterfly]

Rin scowls, bumping their shoulders together.

"What's that supposed to mean??"

A type? Ugh. Is he really so easy to read? The answer a completely oblivious yes. He likes asking Ai questions about himself. It's easy to fall into that lull of relearning a person all over again after years apart. It's harder to dig into himself for some of those answers in exchange. Nobody wants to only talk about themselves, Rin realizes stupidly. Least of all his roommate. He sighs, and runs a hand through his hair.

"Yeah. If focused is what you want to call it..." Maybe stupid or blind to life happening around him, but. Eh, details. He shrugs it off to latch onto the next question. Less personal to an extent.

"Text me the address? I'll probably sign up tomorrow or something. No offense to your setup or anything." He laughs awkwardly, trying not to make an ass of himself.

[taeru]

Ai's smile is far too bright, far too sunny, far too kind to be sincere.

"Nothing worth thinking too hard about."

It was all kidding around, of course. He isn't so sure he'd touch on discussions about preferences or who likes who with Rin unless he had plans to jump into traffic immediately after, anyway. It'd hit too close to home, step far too narrowly along the border of what Ai was willing to disclose.

Ai then pouts, "It is focused. You have a motivation, senpai. It makes sense you've shuttered most other things." It isn't as if he moved to Australia for the fun of it, after all. Though, Ai can't help but wonder if Rin is taking care of himself properly...

"Here." He pulls out his phone, navigates to his contact list, and pulls up Rin; if Rin is looking, he'd see his name is codified as Rin-senpai! 🦈❤️ in Ai's contacts. Ai texts to him not only the address, but the name of one of his contacts who works the front desk there, and then looks back to Rin, "If you want to use it, you should talk to Yamamoto-san. He'll probably be able to get you on my student discount pricing since you'd be temp anyway."

[buttterfly]

What a little shit.

Rin rolls his eyes, dropping it. That could teeter into the very thing he's been swallowing down. Some self justification that no he wasn't gross and didn't pull any stupid tricks in Australia to slide under the sheets with another boy. Types. Ugh.

He catches a glimpse of Ai's contact name for him, lip twitching. Momo is rubbing off on Ai, or something. Why the fuck is there a little heart and shark by his name? His phone vibrates in his pocket though, temporarily nulling the thought process and Rin pulls his phone out to save the address and contact.

"Thanks. Appreciate everything." He sighs, as he shoves the mobile device back into his pocket. "I'll try no to wake you up if I'm out early or coming in late. Promise I don't keep too crazy of hours. Uh, at least until I get over the jetlag." Australia and Japan are not that different, an hour apart. But something about that horrible flight makes him feel like he's in America. A whole other time zone. It always takes a few days to re-calibrate.

[taeru]

Ai was no saint in that regard either, though his escapades were kept much closer to home. He'd probably be a bit more adventurous if not for the poignant feeling of heartsickness he's experienced immediately after. Put a bit of a sully on the whole thing. The idea of Rin knowing this about him, somehow, doesn't make his skin crawl however. Since his first year, Ai's considered it something of an open secret anyway; Rin did find his reading material, after all, and seemed not to care about its contents.

Ai had put in his contact like that when they first exchanged numbers, and the only update he ever made to it was changing it from Matsuoka to Rin once Rin allowed that boundary to be crossed. The emoji, however, stayed - even Ai thinks it's a little childish now, but a part of him feels like it'd be heresy to root out at this point.

He pockets his phone too, still letting himself get semi-lost along the sidewalks in a vague effort to show Rin around on their way back home. Turning a corner opens way to a small plaza, lined with trees and some sort of commemorative statue in the middle. Beyond seems to be a small walking park; likely a perfect place to go jogging.

"I'll be hard to bother, promise. Sometimes my shifts at work need me to wake up at five in the morning." And how did he forget to tell Rin he's also a part-timer? Well, there was that. Instead of making a big deal of it, Ai instead doubles down, flashing Rin a wide grin, "If ever I'm on morning shift and you want something to eat after your morning jog, you should stop by Woodberry. I'd offer to make you one of our specialty lattes too, but I know you don't like those much."

[buttterfly]

In his mind, who cares what gender any of his friends likes? The only time anything is ever a problem really, is when it's Rin himself. Because there's rigid expectations he's holding himself to. His home country's rigid societal expectations, that dreaded locker room talk he's been subject to once or thrice throughout his time in the pool (the first time he had heard the word fag at the ripe age of fourteen by a group of American boys in Sydney). Ai's interests weren't even a blip on his radar. He was more appalled at the fact that something so crude was out in the open like that.

Thankfully, the landscaping and scenery is a nice distraction. He makes a mental note of it for his daily jogging routine. As good of a time as any to make a mental map.

"That's usually when I'm up, you're good. Probably will skip on the coffee though." Yuck. Sweet and bitter? No thanks. He realizes that sounds kind of rude, and he tacks on quickly. "I'll stop by and see you though, sorry. Should probably get off my ass and explore the area when I can."

[taeru]

Ai's heard it all, even before he came to internalize the truth about himself. Their very own teammates took his smaller stature and fervent ardor for a certain brooding redhead and ran circles around him. Thankfully, by the time Rin graduated and Ai had come to take up the mantle of captain, he heard much less of it - probably on account of the primary instigators having graduated, too. But it was a tune the both of them, unfortunately, could sing.

Ai doesn't take it as rude at all; he knows Rin's preferences, and in a way, hearing it so flagrantly is kind of refreshing. He missed Rin's sometimes crass attitude.

What Ai doesn't expect and couldn't calculate for is the sudden welling feeling in his chest when Rin mentions he'll drop by Ai's workplace of his own accord. A traitorous little spark that pools a deep warmth from his gut out to his extremities. In the same exact manner he'd feel when he'd realized Rin had actually come to observe one of his matches, or wanted to work out with him. It's hard to keep a lid on it, but not wanting to over-present, Ai bites the inside of his lip as an attempt to keep his smile from completely bisecting his face.

"That's a lot of pressure, senpai. I'll have to think of something I can make for you that'll make the trip over worth it." For a moment, Ai jogs ahead; just a little, enough to make it to the next block corner. "If you go down here about four streets and make the left, the shop is right around there. It's about a twenty minute walk from the apartment which is nice."

[buttterfly]

"Geez, don't overthink it either." He rubs the back of his head, pausing to read a small plaque attached to the statue. He laughs. "Thanks though. I guess I'll let you make it worth my while."

He tries committing those instructions to memory. He's not like Sousuke after all, thanks. But just to be sure, he pulls open a note on his phone and types away the directions, and quirks a brow.

"Got it, what's the name of the place? Just in case."

Seems easy enough of a destination. But Rin is starting to fall prey to the drooping eyelids and tug of sleep. He stretches his arms above his head, rubbing his elbow a bit in the process. He stifles a yawn, and lets his gaze drift up to the starless sky for a moment. One of the things he misses most about home. Open skies, and stars.

"I think that flight is finally catching up to me. Mind if we head back?"