Sousuke winces when he realizes for once his playful ribbing may have accidentally been prophetic.
Ai watches with a flinch as Rin's dive off the starting block is immediately aborted, and panic sets in when he doesn't see red hair emerge from under the surface for four, five seconds. He's about to run out toward the lay in, do something, but someone is faster.
He isn't at all surprised that Haruka would sacrifice another qualifier to help Rin - Ai would have done the same in a heartbeat. But what kills Ai isn't circumstance, it's the way he can see Rin's face distort with the rapid onset of shame and self-loathing. All at once, the high he'd gotten crashes.
Somehow, Rin takes off running, nearly mowing Ai down in the process. Ai stares on in horror for only a half second before he's hot on Rin's heels.
"Rin-senpai!" he yells, managing to catch up with Rin just outside in the hallway. For being enfeebled, Rin was still incredibly fast - Ai still tries to reach out and grab his arm just to get him to slow down, if he can. "Senpai, please stop! It's no good for you to overextend your leg right now!" It's no good to run away, he thinks, but has been face-to-face with this type of Rin before, and even in his own mild form of panic and worry, Ai knows better than to instigate. He'll choose his battles; first one is making sure Rin doesn't just disappear.
It's not the first time someone has flubbed during a qualifying international tournament. It certainly won't be the last.
Rin already has two qualifications under his belt for the Olympian team. That doesn't matter. What matters is doing the flubbing the way he did, a lane over from someone who means the world to him. Make that two. Three if you want to get technical about the ones in the pool with him. Infinite more in the stands, people back home, in Sydney...
Athletes will always suffer in some form. Whether it's through some scandal in the press, a losing streak, a setback injury. But for some reason, Rin Matsuoka equates it towards his whole career. Like the other things he's accomplished up until now aren't relevant. It's only the one flaw. But he thinks to himself, as he leans against a wall, choking, it's not the only time he's flubbed horrifically. That second year at Samezuka. He remembers the talk Seijuro and him had, when he got booted off the relay. It effected everything else, tore something in his psyche that had been hastily patched together already.
God, he's a fucking joke, isn't he?
He feels fingers tight around his arm, and his first instinct is for every muscle to tense, everything in his body screaming at him to run. It would be so easy to fall back into bad habits. Act the equivocal of the way he did after Ai said Rin hadn't given him something to be mad about.
It would be so easy to lash out, tear and claw until nothing is left behind but the levels of his own misery he's feeling. But he can't, he won't do that. So as gingerly as he is able, he tries to pull at Ai's grasp. He knows the others are surely not far behind, and the last thing he wants is for everyone to see him in such an abysmal state.
He never wants to act like he did to Ai. Not ever again, let alone in front of everyone all over again. Rin bites his lip, a quiver in his voice as he tries to level off his breathing through the rasp and burn of chlorine he coughed up.
"I...sorry." He can't meet Ai's gaze, can't stand to see the worry or disappointment or whatever else is there, flooding his features. He knows his Mom and Gou are probably in a panic, he can hear Haru and Sousuke's voices echoing down the hall. It all suddenly feels so loud. And for a moment, Rin aches for the dulled muffles of the surface underneath.
"I just need... I don't..." Rin doesn't even know what nonsensical babble he's trying to formulate. Just something coherent, something that screams he can be trusted to be alone for a moment. There's no way to measure the amount of gratefulness he feels towards Ai. It's immeasurable. But sometimes, life kicks you so hard that it feels better to sink into the current for a moment or two.
Ai could take a stab at guessing the hoops Rin's mind is jumping through. Pressure and expectation. Experience and fear. Shame and necessity. Ai knew better than to overextend and interject; he did trust Rin. Trusted him not to do something rash or make a mistake that could undo the tangible, real progress he's made in all his other qualifying heats today. Trusts that Rin maybe just needed time to cool off.
But there are two people Ai does not trust, not fully. One is responsible for having pulled Rin out of the water. The other is currently staring at Rin with sky blue eyes lined with a worry, turning inward, examining the sudden pit of self-loathing that wells in his gut.
A time like this, and you're worried about that? Get over yourself.
Ai rescinds his hand. Steps forward, presses a reassuring flat palm to the top of Rin's back, just for a moment, as if to make his presence known before daring to step into Rin's peripheral vision, trying to get Rin to catch his eye. Ai thinks if Rin can just conjure the courage to see the face of at least one person who has his back, he might be amenable to help, or at least figuring himself out in a non-volatile manner.
"I could walk you to the car," he offers. And figures Sousuke would have no problem with that, either. It was still on premises and they parked pretty close; it would at least grant Rin the privacy to work his shit out without cameras or reporters or fretting friends surrounding him. It just meant he'd have to be willing to walk over there. Because even if he doesn't want or feel he needs or even deserves Ai's help, it is in Ai's nature to try. He has to.
Ai's sentiments are appreciated, giving Rin a sanctuary away from the prying eyes of people surrounding him. But Rin also knows his family is probably desperately scrawling to hear from him, or check in on him. Frantically, given their history with water swallowing over someone's head--
He startles himself out of the thought, trying to rip himself free of the panic and shame swelling in every core. It's a little late to escape completely undetected. Sousuke and Haru are there, panting, and Ikuya isn't far behind. Rin's eyes widen. There's no way in this lifetime or the next either would participate in any sort of scrutiny towards him for such a human mistake or slip up. His skin quivers underneath Ai's ministration, concerned gazes falling onto it.
Rin's never noticed before now how all the most important people to him... all come in various shades of blue. Their eyes at least. The intensity of their cores, and the windows to their souls. It brings back that lump in his throat, as he stares at the floor, unsure of how to proceed.
Haru breaks the silence first, stepping forward, unsure of how to proceed. But he has Rin's jacket in his arms, pushing it towards Rin. Haru is the master of not liking eye-contact, and so he spares Rin any further from him. Maybe Haru's hand drags down Rin's arm a little too slowly, which just makes him shiver more. But...
"Your phones in your pocket." Is all Haru says, before he steps back. Something in Rin swells with gratitude. He can't face his Mom and sister. Not right now. Not anybody, even this group is hard. Sousuke gives Haru a look, once Rin can't quite discern through his ebbing adrenaline and panic. Sousuke sighs, fishing around in his pockets. He's intuitive, and knows all he needs to. He grabs his car keys and hands them to Ai, looking over Rin's momentary caretaker with an equally level look.
It wasn't Ai's intent to corral or interject more than necessary. Not after last time - and selfishly, not with Haruka present. Personal feelings aside (a monumental task in and of itself, but wanting to make sure Rin is alright often seems to supersede these kinds of things), Ai feels emboldened at seeing so many people ready to rally behind him.
Would things have gone differently if he had pushed Rin to seek them out earlier? It had been his gut intuition, after all. He has spent years watching the way Rin brightens when in the company of the people he loves most. But fear of overstepping kept him from suggesting or pushing- and look how that ended up. Useless. A refrain Ai fears will only silence when he's put to rest.
More than any of that, though. He can understand Sousuke isn't chiding him. More begging for Ai to take care of himself, too. Ai isn't sure which part of it makes him feel worse.
"Come on, let's go," Ai encourages, voice quieter for Rin's sake. He puts Sousuke's keys in his pocket carefully. "Can you walk?" A dumb question after watching Rin sprint from the center of the natatorium, but not a single person among them isn't acutely familiar with what a cramp like that does to a person, and Ai also knows adrenaline is a bitch. He's willing to reckon that on top of the turmoil, throbbing physical pain isn't currently helping Rin's situation, either. While Ai knows it's good to introduce elasticity back into the muscle, he doesn't want Rin to overdo it, and doesn't think there's shame in needing to lean on someone, even just for a minute.
"I'm fine." Rin insists, already pushing himself from the emotional ties threatening to keep him in place. It would be easy to rely on the people surrounding him, but. He just doesn't have it in him, and he knows at least one of them is going to go to the car with him. It might as well be Ai, since they all seem to have resigned to that.
He stares stiffly ahead, barely shifting his gaze from the floor. There's a certain resignation, as he winces from time to time. Of being a monumental fuck up. It's easy to tell others to not dip into a similar mindset, encourage the hell out of them with everything in him.
But hypocrisy is an evil thing.
There's a time or two where he stumbles, trying to lean on Ai for support. But mostly, he stubbornly sticks to his own motions, despite the pain coursing through him. It was his own fault. There's nobody to blame. All that overextending, all the slacking in self care of physique. He won't make the mistake again, and can only hope those around him forget it quicker than he'll ever be able to.
It's a quiet journey to the garage, thankfully not terribly far. Rin hasn't said a word. He leans against a pillar for a moment, as he tries to get his bearings. E5... it's somewhere, he just can't remember where through the noise. He pulls his phone out of his jacket, frowning at the flood of notifications on his screen. He sees something about Ikuya qualifying for the 200m run, but doesn't look past that as he shoves it back into the fabric, looking over at Ai.
He can feel the stress, shame, guilt, frustration, pain all radiating off Rin in waves. Every hobbled step forward. A part of Ai is aware of how unnecessary it is for Rin to insist to walk on his own; it'd be safer and more efficient for him to simply accept the help they both know he needs right now. Could have said the same back on the pool room floor.
But Ai also knows Rin, and knows there is no contesting him when he's in this mindset. It's all he can do to be present to catch him if he falls - literally this time around - rather than try to pry Rin's mind away from the path it's set on.
The two times Rin's weight comes upon him, Ai steadies him momentarily with a hand at his lower back. Doesn't hold him there and waits for Rin to inevitably right himself; a silent trust that Rin could handle it, even if he shouldn't handle it. But an ever-present reminder that Ai was going to spot him regardless.
He slows to a stop when Rin does too, and before Rin can even ask, Ai is looking at the ground markers. He remembered their spot, and can remember it in relation to the front entrance--
He points, "Right there. In black." Four cars up. Ai trots ahead of Rin but not too far, within a close enough range that if Rin stumbled again Ai could help him back up. But Ai is first to Sousuke's car, using the button on the keys to unlock its latch; Ai uses the gap in their speed and the time it grants him to open the back door, push the front passenger seat forward, and make room for Rin to lounge back there. Ai pokes his head out of the car,
"It's better if you keep it elevated for now so you can massage the knot out." Implying Rin should sit in such a way that his back is to the window and his leg is over the back seats. He steps back, giving Rin the room to crawl in however he wishes.
And then Ai hesitates.
He knows Rin wants space, and wouldn't be shy about making it known. But Ai also wants Rin to understand Ai's support is in perpetuity. It'd feel rude to just leave him, even if that is exactly what Rin probably wants. Then, an idea sets on him like a perfect compromise.
"Do you want a water, senpai? A drink? I can go to the vending machines and bring something back." Gives Rin privacy. Gets Ai away for a little bit, but enables him to be helpful. He smiles lopsidedly, knowing Rin isn't in the mood for levity but also knowing it has a tendency to cut through the shit sometimes, "Emotions have been high today, you probably need to hydrate."
He slides into the backseat, nodding at Ai in thanks as he does so. It takes a minute. Sousuke's car is at least a little bigger than some of the other commuter cars out there. all to accommodate those legs and shoulders no doubt.
So Rin tries to prop himself up in the most comfortable way, wincing a little as he puts his leg up best he can. It sucks, truth be told. But he knows Ai is right and wishes he had been a little more considerate of his body before what was arguably the biggest race of his life. Something in him sinks again, knowing Haru probably got booted out of qualifying, and there's no way in hell Rin is touching that event with a twenty foot pole as long as he lives.
He sighs, zipping up his jacket, and pulling out his phone again before looking back at Ai. He's grateful for the kindness, as exhaustion prickles in every inch of him. But there's some sort of inkling in the back of his head... the one that just screams at everything around him. Rin wants to be alone, but.
He reaches out to squeeze Ai's wrist, before yanking his hand back awkwardly. His fingers curl at the back of his own neck, and he looks away awkwardly. "...sorry." It's one of those moods apparently. Rin shifts a little in the backseat as he tries to get comfortable. "Is it cool? If I touch you still? I don't want you thinking I'm like...leading you on or something." Because Rin realizes how touchy he's been all day and flirty and everything he normally is with everyone today.
And he doesn't want to give people the wrong impression. And he doesn't want to be a jackass. Ai told him flatout to treat him the same. So Rin is trying. It felt easier today, amongst all their friends--teammates now. But in the parking garage, it feels a little stranger. Rin's nails dig into the back of his neck.
"Yeah, just some water. Sorry. Thanks again though."
It's a deluge of complicated emotions to filter through. Ai can only be grateful Rin decided to try and toe the line after Ai finished his one and only heat; had this come earlier in the day, his focus absolutely would have been thrown off.
There's a gentle, appreciative, familiar simper upon his lips when Rin initially reaches out to him, and Ai ducks his head to look into the car to look at Rin properly, interpreting that as a gesture for wait a minute. That wasn't the complicated part. It's what comes out of Rin's mouth next that is so raw in its essence, Ai wishes he could just take it at face value.
It's true, he asked outright for nothing to change. The difference is that now, everything has changed. And before he'd opened his stupid mouth, there was no leading on. No sense of finite rejection; he could keep it all well-contained in a neat little glass cage, equal parts transparent and yet inaccessible to the public. Now it's loaded. Now it hurts. And yet he is only human, and is selfish, and asked something of Rin before he could really understood what that meant, and.
Ai shakes his head, once, and tries very hard to keep his countenance composed. "It's alright, I wouldn't think that." I don't need you to tell me how you feel. His spine straightens just a little, "My only worry would be your friends." Well. One of them. If Ai has to feel those deep blue eyes roving over him one more time, he might genuinely just fork the key over to Rin and hop on the next plane back to Australia with his uncle.
Ahh. It can't be helped.
He leans his body into the car, foot leveraged on the edge of the doorway. Leans over Rin, and. Hesitates. As if he'd just been about to do something, but the moment he got too close, the wind was knocked out of his sails. And so instead Ai swallows, measuring Rin's expression sincerely. And then, as if having suddenly decided on something else, exhales.
"Don't overthink it. You'll just hurt your head." He's pulling out of the car and bounding toward the venue entrance, absolutely using Rin's current injury to his advantage so he didn't have to hear a retort-- but then comes back momentarily to dip his head back in, "I'll be right back!", before taking off again and heading inside.
He wants to reach back out, grab Ai's wrist and retort what do you mean by my friends? Even if there's that faintest inkling, Rin needs some sort of confirmation.
Except Ai quickly closes that distance. To the point where Rin is shrinking back against the seat. There's. Something. Crossing over his features before he retreats just as quickly. Like it never happened at all. Rin blinks after him, but before he can muster up the words for anything, Ai is gone.
And Rin is left alone with his thoughts again.
In all fairness, it's what he had pressed for. Solitude, and Ai was graciously allowing for that to happen. The tears slowly began to stream over and he laughs to himself. The migraine isn't going to be good tonight. But maybe he can relish in the smaller things. That most of them today were happy at least.
But it's harder to stray away from the other intrusives. The ones that knock over his prior accomplishments today. You have two olympic qualifying times, what the fuck is your problem? Another voice worms out and chides But it could have been three. And you tanked in front of your idol. Got your best friend pulled out too. Rin tangles his fingers through his hair, yanking the locks.
It does two things. A little pain to alleviate the pressure and ground him. Equally, it is a little sting that he is in control of. Something he has control over. A shuddering breath follows, as he wipes his face with the back of his hand. Breathe, breathe. He tries. Fails, for the most part. But the effort is at least worth something, right?
Through the sting in his eyes, he pulls his phone out again, immediately texting his family that he's okay. And before he can even send off a second text, his Mom is gently telling him exactly what he knows. Your dad would be so proud. Don't worry about the last one. And Rin chokes back another sob.
How do people make it so easy?
He tries desperately to compose himself, going through his other messages. It's mostly "congrats" or "are you okay???"s to which he just tries to respond to the concern from others. He knows he would feel like shit if he was in their shoes; no updates on friends who tanked. Haru's sticks out, and it does something to him. Something he doesn't know what to do with.
i think we need to talk
Rin closes out of it as quick as he opened it, focusing on answering Ikuya's lightly teasing text instead before shoving his phone back in his jacket.
He sucks in another shuddering breath, holding his arms above his head to allow his lungs to fully expand. It's awkward in the car, but he manages. His fingers drag along the roof, trying to focus on the gently upholstered interior. It feels almost fuzzy beneath his fingertips. He closes his eyes, tries breathing again. Tries to forget that look that crossed Ai's face, thinking he just fucked something else up too.
It dawns on Ai as he walks with mild alacrity toward where he thinks he saw a vending machine area earlier. That even the complicated things had been easier just two weeks ago.
Wouldn't have thought twice about supporting Rin in absolutely any way it'd take. Whether it was reeling him in, giving him a reality check, a confidence boost, a confidant - there was no wall too high to climb in that pursuit. Ai didn't feel threatened. He felt small, but still held within himself a sense of being present despite that. And yet here he is, wondering if some time is too much time away, or if walking Rin to the car had been a good idea at all.
Worried about consequences.
A phenomenon tenacious, stubborn, enduring Aiichirou had never worried about before. He approaches the vending machine and doesn't press a button right away; instead he puts his head to the cool plastic, as if this could somehow help him to untangle his thoughts. Worry for Rin, shame at his selfishness, undue anxiety about other things. In the back of his head, he's aware he should text Sousuke.
He presses the button for water, pays with his phone (and marvels at how Tokyo's IC readers seem so much more advanced than what they had back at Samezuka), and heads back toward the car. All told, Ai is gone for roughly seven, maybe ten minutes.
He stalls at the entrance to the parking lot, and rises to his tip-toes as if he could try and scout out Rin's mood from this purview. Unfortunately, Sousuke's car is too buried in the row for Ai to be able to peek into the glass from here, and so he resolves to potentially being mildly inconvenient. He approaches the side door, giving it a knock to let his presence be known before opening the door gently, and leaning down to peek inside at Rin. Isn't surprised to see the state he's in; Ai meets him with a kind and gentle smile, one he's extremely used to wearing, those pulleys able to shuffle through the stage curtains faster than most.
"When they write your biopic, senpai, the director is going to give this an incredible music score." Yes, he's teasing a little. Yes he knows it might draw heat, but he's gambling on it cutting through the shit too. Rin's tense, Ai's a little tense, Ai knows Rin can sense he's tense-- Ai just wants to do away with all of it. He reaches in to hand Rin his watter bottle, "I think I saw the guys out in the hall." It's an open floor. Do you want to go to them? Do you want me to go to them? Should I relay a message?
One, Rin nearly jumps when Ai comes back to the car, awkwardly pressing his palm flat against the roof while his fingers claw against it.
"Shit, sorry." Maybe he had been able to slip into a more relaxed state too easily. No harm done though, as he nods a silent appreciation and takes the offered water bottle. Two, he snorts because Ai is proving more and more he can actually be funny. Even if he is just trying to cut through all the awkward Rin mudded up between them. He chuckles though, rolling his eyes in response as he takes a sip from the bottle.
"They better spin me almost drowning into some allegory for being gay for Phelps in the lane next to me."
That silence drips down a little, as Rin just focuses on his breathing, drinking water, trying to empty his head for a little bit. But Ai opens the floor, and it makes Rin pause with the bottle against his mouth. What's the best course of action? Crying and wallowing sounds fantastic, but he wouldn't let any of them pull that stunt. So like hell any of them are going to stand by and let it happen either. Rin sighs, pulling the water from his mouth.
"Can't run away from the 'you didn't bother stretching, idiot's for much longer." He pulls his phone out, texting Ikuya that he's good for them to come over. Because he doesn't want to look at Haru's text right now, and he doesn't want to open Sousuke's either because he's already going to get the lecture. Might as well spare himself a few moments longer.
He puts his phone back in his pocket, thumbing the label on the bottle. "Well. Besides that massive fuck up... not too shabby I guess." Rin laughs softly. "Congrats, dude. You worked hard." We all did.
Ai can't help it, he laughs and then bites his lip to abort the sound when Rin jumps in the car like that, having had a perfect outlook for it in his line of sight.
Chuckles again at Rin's joke, and dutifully ignores the voice in his head that has a quip to say about the other lane too, and punches low because he knows it works with Rin, "They didn't need you drowning to spin that." Ai's then looking up and to the side, as if contemplating, "I half-thought about seeking him out, but worried if I brought him over, you might kill me."
Leaning in the entrance of the car door isn't the most comfortable, so Ai is instead leaning against the shell of the car outside. Door still open, so he can hear Rin and Rin can hear him clearly; Ai's just continuing to grant him his privacy. And maybe, subconsciously, neglecting Rin the chance of reading Ai's expressions. Not that it does him any good, besides; every time Rin talks, Ai is leaning down to look into the car. Finds it hard to address him without making that connection, even if it's to his detriment.
"I should have said something," he murmurs gently. "While we were in the warm-up room." Ai had been the one who offered to help him stretch, after all. Instead, Ai got caught up in that small moment of revelry and kidding around. Lost focus. Paid too much priority to something that ultimately won't make a difference. It isn't his fault, he knows it doesn't help to dwell on what ifs, but. Still can't help the way his brain spins; he and Rin have this in common.
Ai can hear quite a few footfalls shuffling in the hallway of the entrance toward the parking lot, and starts to see Rin's group turning the corner. One last time, Ai pokes his head in. His expression is almost nostalgic in the way there is nothing but a pure, ardent adoration creasing his eyes. A welled feeling that no amount of baggage or happenstance can ever dull.
"You were incredible today, Rin-senpai. Even now, it makes my chest burn up."
Ai shifts further down the car, away from the open door, as Ikuya and Haruka follow behind Sousuke in their approach.
Rin is just as quick to blurt out. "Don't you dare." Maybe there is a little heat behind it, but he wants to drive the message home. His fingers tighten around the bottle, a little squeak rising from the warping plastic.
"It's not your fault." He tacks on quickly, muttering as he tilts his gaze towards the back of the seat. He doesn't want any shifted blame, because some of those moments were the best. Seeing Ikuya balk, Ai loosen up, even Sousuke and Haru, stoic as they can be, stifle back laughter? It was worth it. Those are the things that matter right? Rin remembers that fight he had with Haru in the locker room.
"You think I do this for good times? To show off?" "I swim for my friends." And in that moment, as Haru stalked off, Rin sure hadn't felt like much of a friend. That's what swimming is about, right?
"I wouldn't trade the moments I have with you guys for anything..." Rin admits, rubbing the back of his neck. The moment is broken though, as the other three make their way to the car. Rin grabs the oh shit handle, as Sousuke so politely labels it, and leans out of the car a bit, grimacing at the three.
"You see this ass parking job? What kind of guy parks on the lines like that?" To Rin's surprise, he hears Haru.
"Probably the same kind who can't swim straight." Rin can hear Ikuya trying not to laugh. Hell, he's trying not to too. But he loses that fight and sputters out some semblance of one.
"Alright. 1:0 Nanase. You got me good." Rin says quietly.
I wouldn't trade the moments I have with you guys for anything. It's simple, but it's potent. Ai takes that sentence and holds it close to his chest and scribes it into hard memory in his mental locket. Something for later, when he knows things will get difficult again.
"I wouldn't either."
Haruka wastes no time in meeting Rin half-way, Ikuya close behind; Ai looks to Sousuke, silently passing the keys back to him. Sousuke gives him something of a loaded look, but when Ai doesn't return it, decides to drop it.
Sousuke pockets his keys and just barely peeks inside the car to Rin from over Haruka's shoulder.
"You didn't bitch about my parking on the way here." Sousuke smiles, taunt wrought into the upticked skin. He's just glad to see Rin's not stuck in his head.
"You could have probably centered it better if someone wasn't hanging half-way out the door." It's light. It's good. It's digestible. No doubt, Rin needs the communal uplifting right now, and Ai's happy to oblige.
"I swear to christ if you start with the dog jokes--" But Ikuya beats him to it.
"No way. You're prickly like a cat."
There's the familiarity. Rin sullied it, at least temporarily with his tantrum. Not that anyone here but him would blame him, of course. They're all snickering. Sure it's at Rin's disposal, but after they all ganged up on Ikuya earlier and with how Rin was bawling ten minutes ago, it's all fine.
Halfway hanging out the car, keeping himself pulled up with the handle is also helping all the tension melt away. Sousuke takes a step back, looking around the parking garage. It's quiet for a minute, the chuckles tapering and dissipating. He starts shifting in the backseat, so he's not hanging out the door anymore, but Haru knees down in front of the open door, arms folding on the seat. He's just looking at Rin, his chin resting on his arms. Rin swallows at the intensity of those eyes on him. But suddenly there's a hand squeezing over his own. It's Ikuya.
"I'm gonna get going, before Hiyori has an aneurysm." Rin blinks, but squeezes Ikuya's hand back, smiling.
"Good job today, man. Looking forward to being on the same team." Ikuya blinks, lie that's the most genuine thing Rin's ever said to him. He scoffs, a little color on his face as he waves and walks away. Haru's still kneeling in front of the backseat. Rin just sighs, scratching the back of his head.
"Can I help you? I'm not looking for a proposal, thanks--" Haru shrugs.
"Just looking." It's soft. Rin nearly jerks backwards, but he sees Sousuke step away from the car and tap Ai on the shoulder, pointing the other way.
"I need some help finding the bathroom. Come with me?" And Sousuke tosses the keys at Rin before he starts walking away. "Just remember that's a new car."
And Rin nearly spits in response, Haru remaining as stoic as ever.
The moment Haruka crowded toward the door of the car and leaned in, Ai kind of had a feeling anyway. Suddenly feeling as if he's privy to a scene he shouldn't be watching, he turned his cheek, the entrance to the natatorium suddenly the most interesting thing on planet earth.
He would have made up some arbitrary excuse to get the hell out of here himself, but Sousuke beats him to the punch. Ignores the knot in his gut and chooses instead to rely on the tenets he knows to be immovable comforts. Sousuke's intuition, for one.
"I'm surprised you made it back out here without getting turned around," he chimes, already walking back toward the building. And the moment they're out of earshot, with only Sousuke's eyes on him, Ai lets his expression fall. Can't help but look back at the car just one more time before stepping inside.
He says nothing. Just ruffles up his hair, takes a steeled breath, and swallows it all down. "Kirishima-senpai is more animated than I expected." It is absolutely not what is on either of their minds, but it is as if the obvious elephant in the room would threaten rampage if Ai deigned to touch it.
He lets Ai talk. Slowing his strides to match his pace, though he seems just as eager to let the scene play out away from view. He catches that last glance back towards the car, only because he was in sync. So many times over the years.
It's one thing for your friend to stop writing you when he's in a foreign country. It's another for the letter you finally get to have your name haphazardly scribbled over characters that were something else. And when you pour over the letter, understanding creeps in. And it's then, Sousuke knew and resigned to himself that that's how life would be.
It's bittersweet, perhaps. But it's the reality. He shrugs, taking a turn that leads further into the underbelly of the garage. He's terrible with direction, yes, but this is intentional. Ai was the one that said they needed to talk after all. And maybe this time is as appropriate as any.
"You don't have to talk around it." It's not pushy. Just allowing that offer to settle into the echo of the lot. "But you can finally tell me what happened, too. Good a time as any."
Ai half-expected for Sousuke to touch on it now. If Ai's honest, he had thoughts of asking Sousuke to let him spend the night. The morning and afternoon had been too charged, and the high Ai had gotten from his victory was superseded and fogged over by something very distinctly ocean blue. He wishes he could shake it, could be braver, could swallow it all down, but he is exclusively responsible for it. Wonders if Haruka will mention Ai is the one who got him in front of Rin; probably not.
It is not the thing that matters. But it's all so fresh and overwhelming and the thought of being face-to-face with Rin tonight is prematurely devastating him. Sousuke can likely see the recollection play out in real time across Ai's features, a flinch to his expression and a mean grimace, as if fighting something back. And then suddenly, all at once, a calm. A resignation.
Sousuke had time to process this. For Ai, it's new.
"I don't know how much detail is helpful," Ai starts, voice unusually quiet. As if speaking too loud reminds him it happened at all. Regret, embarrassment, shame-- a high, a false hope. Rin's phantom touch manifests against the side of his neck, and Ai slaps his palm there as if trying to kill a bug that is biting at him.
"It's as I said earlier," he finally leads, picking at the hem of his jacket sleeve, "It started with me. It was storming, we were both awake. I said something and he reacted accordingly. I did nothing to stop any of it..." A smile crosses his face, bittersweet and hollow.
"I liked it. Maybe that's the worst part."
Can't even look Sousuke in the eye; Ai has his cheek turned, looking out toward the rows of cars. "We took a shower... I don't know. I guess I saw something he didn't, and flew too close to the sun. I didn't," he pauses. Shakes his head, "I didn't even say anything. He just knew."
"He said nothing and bolted."
Ai nods to himself, eyebrows knit. Still can't look Sousuke in the eye. "I'd like to think he got to your place quickly, but it's hard to know for sure. It was close to four AM when he left."
It's not like Sousuke is one to interrupt to begin with. But he does pause, looking around and deeming it quiet enough of a spot before he leans against the wall. There's barely anybody parked over here anyways. And he listens.
When Ai finally finishes, Sousuke exhales softly, rubbing the back of his neck. "Yeah. That sounds like our Rin." It's spoken so softly, not wanting Ai to take anything he says as possible ramifications.
"You know the dude runs. It's not anything you could have prevented. And you wouldn't be you if you didn't like it, right?" Sousuke laughs, looking at a black suzuki parked somewhere nearby, their reflections evident in the glossy paint job.
"Call me crazy, but I'm a little jealous." He holds up his hands as soon as the words fall out of his mouth. Ai and him had a mutual understanding of what they had back at Samezuka, what they were trying to bury--after all. But still, he feels the need to feign surrender. Like joking about it will be the catalyst for something between the two of them next.
"It's not like you lit the match and set the whole place on fire though. Rin hassome blame, and I doubt you would have gone along with it if it seemed like he didn't want it. But yeah, it was a few hours after that he showed up. Can't imagine him running around in a storm if it wasn't bad."
Sousuke's eyes trail down towards Ai's neck, closing his eyes shortly after. He crosses his arms, tilting his head to the side.
"...I drove him out too though. So I guess I'm no better. So I'll shoulder some of it, if that helps at all."
Ai huffs, that uncertain type of noise half-way stuck between a sigh and a titter. He finally does look at Sousuke, jealousy mentioned. Shares a knowing, if slightly pitiful smile.
"If our circumstances were reversed, I'd feel the same." Sky blue eyes back down on the cement under their feet; Ai, too, leans against the wall just beside Sousuke. Everything in him feels leaden, and he hates it.
His expression solemns, all the crestfallen, resigned shame hanging over his countenance heavily. The last time Sousuke's probably seen him this beaten up over himself may have been the time he nearly tripped over Ai on a Samezuka fire escape.
"I know I didn't. But that's how it feels."
Sousuke mentioning all that had happened after has Ai looking at him from his periphery for a moment, before turning his head to look at him fully. His eyebrows knit in that worried way of his; his hand touches Sousuke's wrist, doing with gesture what Sousuke had just tried to do with words for him.
"He was cagey on the details when I asked." Ai takes in a breath. "What happened?"
It's not a question, just some sad statement that resonates between the both of them. It's been so many years for Ai already, even more for himself. Though as a kid you don't quite understand those things with the same velocity. But as life shapes you, you pick up the little things. And that sudden flood of understanding is more heartbreaking than anything else.
But there's his own shame flooding now. His own sins in all of this mess. He shifts a little, his shoulders hitching as Sousuke frowns. It feels like airing some dirty secret. The one where he wasn't strong enough, when Rin needed him to be.
"Just showed up crying and sopping wet. To be honest... the way he was stumbling around and with how his neck looked, I thought I would have to call the cops on someone." Sousuke laughs softly, rubbing the back of his head. "I just made my bed up for him, and let him sleep. Gave him some space."
Sousuke isn't being fair to himself. The first things out of his mouth were you look like shit and it wasn't fair. To him, or to Rin. So he spares the detail.
"Rin got pissy when I asked him what happened. But he told me that you guys were fighting, and he basically pulled your pants down. He was just mad and tired and needed something." Sousuke pauses, watching Ai permissively, like he's wondering if he's allowed to continue. Before he softly does.
"He was freaking out. Like he did something so unforgivable. So I just shrugged and told him it was fine, wasn't anything you and I hadn't done before. Guess you told him though, because he didn't seem surprised. Just pissed."
Sousuke recoils a little at the memory. The intensifying of voices that made him so grateful his brother wasn't home for a few days. That might have gotten the cops called on them, with how their voices escalated.
"He got mad, and said I should have told him how you felt. He didn't ever want to hurt you. Then, I guess..." This is where it gets hard. Sousuke drags his hand down the back of his neck, solemn wrenching over his features and tone. "...asked him how someone couldn't feel that way about him."
It feels dirty. So dirty. Like he's the worst person in the world for letting something slip through the cracks of vulnerability. Rin was already having a shit time, and Sousuke was so unbelievably selfish. He knew what he was saying, what he was doing in that moment. What did he want? Hard to say.
"That's when he started crying again, and ran. I wasn't gonna make him stay. Dude was unhinged. Not that I blame him. Must be shit to process all that in the span of a few hours." There's a little shake in Sousuke's own voice. Maybe it's some phantom pain, or just the welling of his own guilt. He feels Ai's hand against his wrist. That calming, grounding thing. Something he's relied on too much over the years. So selfish.
"...but. When he didn't come back or answer, I kind of panicked. Texted everyone I could think of. I thought he'd go to Nanase's if I'm being honest. But that just freaked him and Makoto out too." Sousuke laughs again. A self deprecating thing. "Kind of made me feel like shit again. Like I ruffled too many feathers."
Ai meets Sousuke's gaze, imploring him to continue. Knows it's rough stuff to lay out bare; knows neither of them are particularly fond about peeling back the veneer so far, exposing that which they both tend to guard quite closely. And, Ai can guess what comes next.
It's his turn to look guilty. Staring down at his feet. It isn't as if he and Sousuke had rules about sharing details about their encounters - but even at the time, Ai had said it plainly to Rin. That it's in Sousuke's best interests for why Ai wasn't forthright, and likely the same for why Sousuke hadn't been either. Ai reneged on that.
"I'd told him earlier. The day he arrived, actually." Ai closes his eyes and takes another steeling breath. "Not as some-- it wasn't some big confession. It came up naturally in conversation. Of course, I spared him the details... He just looked hurt that I'd hide it from him. I guess by the time he got to you, he'd made his peace with it."
And then Ai listens. And when Sousuke says that, he nearly physically recoils. Shuts his eyes, sucks in his lips, turns his cheek away. Not because he finds what Sousuke had said so profoundly evil or anything - no. It's empathy. It's a visceral reaction to knowing they'd both made the same exact mistake within less than a day of one another.
"You did the thing I couldn't conjure the courage to do. The first day Rin-senpai arrived, I thought of reaching out to Nanase-san and Tachibana-san." And Ai regrets it for several reasons, but prime among them now is, selfishly, if he had just done it, he may have saved himself and Sousuke and Rin a lot of heartache. "He was avoiding them. I could intuit why."
There's a pause then. Before Ai does them both the favour of finally identifying the elephant in the room; he gestures with his head back toward Sousuke's car. Toward Rin and Haruka.
"I ran into Nanase-san earlier. I told him to reach out to Rin-senpai." And the breath he takes in and the sigh he exhales are just so--
Resigned.
"So whatever is going on over there, I suppose you could thank me." He hates the way his eyes suddenly burn; he doesn't push them with his palm, doesn't sniff. Just shakes his head, as if disappointed with himself, and forces a smile. "... Thank you for looking out for me, Sousuke-senpai."
"It's alright. It doesn't bother me. That you guys talked about it." Sousuke admits. It doesn't. Not in the slightest. "You're not anything to be ashamed of, you know. I heard Rin was teasing Kirishima earlier about something you two did. I guess I just kept it to myself thinking I was protecting you."
It's not entirely the truth. He wasn't saving face for Ai in the grand scheme. Things just get awkward at an all boys academy when you say you're sleeping with one of your teammates to blow off the steam you both feel for your captain. From there, it just dissipated into the back of his mind.
Rin was gone. Ai was still there. Ai was in university, and Sousuke was flopping around trying to figure out what the hell to do with his life. Even if he's found it now, there's still infinite possibilities. He didn't think of bringing up a friends with benefit situation with someone he admired for all their tenacity, and diligence in striving for something.
"Do you feel like you did the right thing?" Telling Nanase. Sousuke lets his gaze trail back towards his car. He laughs a little, nudging Ai's knee with his own. "Because it's okay to feel like you didn't. We're all selfish. Just how people are."
Sousuke is speaking from experience, of course. Swallowing down so many things through life. So much of it for Rin Matsuoka, of all people. But maybe that's just what do you when there's a bond that spans so many years, so many lifetimes. It's alright. He has more now. Ai, Makoto. People that do so much for him. He smiles.
"You've looked out for me too, Ai. There's not enough gratitude in the world for me to give."
Ai can't help but laugh, knuckles covering his mouth. The sound is a little bitter, but he knows Sousuke understands, and so doesn't try to filter it.
"I was surprised when he did, to be honest. I assumed he'd want to keep it buried given present company." Ai drops his hand, "Kirishima-senpai still doesn't know. Nanase-san does, though." Ai uncomfortably clears his throat, and stalls before forcing the words out,
"I felt the way he was looking at me... When we bumped into one another, it was the same. I didn't want him to get the wrong impression, so I told him the truth. I'm still not sure what he feels, but it's at least out of my hands now."
And speaking of Haruka. Ai knows what Sousuke means, and the way Ai nearly curls into himself is pathetic. Crosses an arm to hold the opposite one, one leg suddenly hitched up against the wall. A distinct feeling of wishing he could shuck off his skin and start over again. Because he knows to anyone else on planet earth, his reply would seem horrifically deprecating, if not outright fetishistic in its prostrate nature.
"No, I don't feel I did." He swallows to ladle his saliva over the pit growing in his stomach, as if that might cull it, and then turns his head to look at Sousuke, raw determination lining his eyes.
"I know I did."
Blinks away that determination; his hand has to come up and help push some of it off his cheek. And stares back down at the ground, "Because I know you saw the same thing I did. The way Rin-senpai smiled. I never, ever want to get in the way of that. I absolutely won't." He makes a noise, a choked grunt, likely a sob he aborted. Turns ninety degrees away from Sousuke, trying to gather his resolve again. "Even if I'm useless, at least this much I can do. So I did."
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Date: 2025-07-31 03:58 am (UTC)Ai watches with a flinch as Rin's dive off the starting block is immediately aborted, and panic sets in when he doesn't see red hair emerge from under the surface for four, five seconds. He's about to run out toward the lay in, do something, but someone is faster.
He isn't at all surprised that Haruka would sacrifice another qualifier to help Rin - Ai would have done the same in a heartbeat. But what kills Ai isn't circumstance, it's the way he can see Rin's face distort with the rapid onset of shame and self-loathing. All at once, the high he'd gotten crashes.
Somehow, Rin takes off running, nearly mowing Ai down in the process. Ai stares on in horror for only a half second before he's hot on Rin's heels.
"Rin-senpai!" he yells, managing to catch up with Rin just outside in the hallway. For being enfeebled, Rin was still incredibly fast - Ai still tries to reach out and grab his arm just to get him to slow down, if he can. "Senpai, please stop! It's no good for you to overextend your leg right now!" It's no good to run away, he thinks, but has been face-to-face with this type of Rin before, and even in his own mild form of panic and worry, Ai knows better than to instigate. He'll choose his battles; first one is making sure Rin doesn't just disappear.
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Date: 2025-07-31 04:22 am (UTC)Rin already has two qualifications under his belt for the Olympian team. That doesn't matter. What matters is doing the flubbing the way he did, a lane over from someone who means the world to him. Make that two. Three if you want to get technical about the ones in the pool with him. Infinite more in the stands, people back home, in Sydney...
Athletes will always suffer in some form. Whether it's through some scandal in the press, a losing streak, a setback injury. But for some reason, Rin Matsuoka equates it towards his whole career. Like the other things he's accomplished up until now aren't relevant. It's only the one flaw. But he thinks to himself, as he leans against a wall, choking, it's not the only time he's flubbed horrifically. That second year at Samezuka. He remembers the talk Seijuro and him had, when he got booted off the relay. It effected everything else, tore something in his psyche that had been hastily patched together already.
God, he's a fucking joke, isn't he?
He feels fingers tight around his arm, and his first instinct is for every muscle to tense, everything in his body screaming at him to run. It would be so easy to fall back into bad habits. Act the equivocal of the way he did after Ai said Rin hadn't given him something to be mad about.
It would be so easy to lash out, tear and claw until nothing is left behind but the levels of his own misery he's feeling. But he can't, he won't do that. So as gingerly as he is able, he tries to pull at Ai's grasp. He knows the others are surely not far behind, and the last thing he wants is for everyone to see him in such an abysmal state.
He never wants to act like he did to Ai. Not ever again, let alone in front of everyone all over again. Rin bites his lip, a quiver in his voice as he tries to level off his breathing through the rasp and burn of chlorine he coughed up.
"I...sorry." He can't meet Ai's gaze, can't stand to see the worry or disappointment or whatever else is there, flooding his features. He knows his Mom and Gou are probably in a panic, he can hear Haru and Sousuke's voices echoing down the hall. It all suddenly feels so loud. And for a moment, Rin aches for the dulled muffles of the surface underneath.
"I just need... I don't..." Rin doesn't even know what nonsensical babble he's trying to formulate. Just something coherent, something that screams he can be trusted to be alone for a moment. There's no way to measure the amount of gratefulness he feels towards Ai. It's immeasurable. But sometimes, life kicks you so hard that it feels better to sink into the current for a moment or two.
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Date: 2025-07-31 04:34 am (UTC)But there are two people Ai does not trust, not fully. One is responsible for having pulled Rin out of the water. The other is currently staring at Rin with sky blue eyes lined with a worry, turning inward, examining the sudden pit of self-loathing that wells in his gut.
A time like this, and you're worried about that? Get over yourself.
Ai rescinds his hand. Steps forward, presses a reassuring flat palm to the top of Rin's back, just for a moment, as if to make his presence known before daring to step into Rin's peripheral vision, trying to get Rin to catch his eye. Ai thinks if Rin can just conjure the courage to see the face of at least one person who has his back, he might be amenable to help, or at least figuring himself out in a non-volatile manner.
"I could walk you to the car," he offers. And figures Sousuke would have no problem with that, either. It was still on premises and they parked pretty close; it would at least grant Rin the privacy to work his shit out without cameras or reporters or fretting friends surrounding him. It just meant he'd have to be willing to walk over there. Because even if he doesn't want or feel he needs or even deserves Ai's help, it is in Ai's nature to try. He has to.
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Date: 2025-07-31 05:00 am (UTC)He startles himself out of the thought, trying to rip himself free of the panic and shame swelling in every core. It's a little late to escape completely undetected. Sousuke and Haru are there, panting, and Ikuya isn't far behind. Rin's eyes widen. There's no way in this lifetime or the next either would participate in any sort of scrutiny towards him for such a human mistake or slip up. His skin quivers underneath Ai's ministration, concerned gazes falling onto it.
Rin's never noticed before now how all the most important people to him... all come in various shades of blue. Their eyes at least. The intensity of their cores, and the windows to their souls. It brings back that lump in his throat, as he stares at the floor, unsure of how to proceed.
Haru breaks the silence first, stepping forward, unsure of how to proceed. But he has Rin's jacket in his arms, pushing it towards Rin. Haru is the master of not liking eye-contact, and so he spares Rin any further from him. Maybe Haru's hand drags down Rin's arm a little too slowly, which just makes him shiver more. But...
"Your phones in your pocket." Is all Haru says, before he steps back. Something in Rin swells with gratitude. He can't face his Mom and sister. Not right now. Not anybody, even this group is hard. Sousuke gives Haru a look, once Rin can't quite discern through his ebbing adrenaline and panic. Sousuke sighs, fishing around in his pockets. He's intuitive, and knows all he needs to. He grabs his car keys and hands them to Ai, looking over Rin's momentary caretaker with an equally level look.
"Just make sure he gets his space, yeah?"
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Date: 2025-07-31 05:10 am (UTC)It wasn't Ai's intent to corral or interject more than necessary. Not after last time - and selfishly, not with Haruka present. Personal feelings aside (a monumental task in and of itself, but wanting to make sure Rin is alright often seems to supersede these kinds of things), Ai feels emboldened at seeing so many people ready to rally behind him.
Would things have gone differently if he had pushed Rin to seek them out earlier? It had been his gut intuition, after all. He has spent years watching the way Rin brightens when in the company of the people he loves most. But fear of overstepping kept him from suggesting or pushing- and look how that ended up. Useless. A refrain Ai fears will only silence when he's put to rest.
More than any of that, though. He can understand Sousuke isn't chiding him. More begging for Ai to take care of himself, too. Ai isn't sure which part of it makes him feel worse.
"Come on, let's go," Ai encourages, voice quieter for Rin's sake. He puts Sousuke's keys in his pocket carefully. "Can you walk?" A dumb question after watching Rin sprint from the center of the natatorium, but not a single person among them isn't acutely familiar with what a cramp like that does to a person, and Ai also knows adrenaline is a bitch. He's willing to reckon that on top of the turmoil, throbbing physical pain isn't currently helping Rin's situation, either. While Ai knows it's good to introduce elasticity back into the muscle, he doesn't want Rin to overdo it, and doesn't think there's shame in needing to lean on someone, even just for a minute.
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Date: 2025-07-31 04:20 pm (UTC)He stares stiffly ahead, barely shifting his gaze from the floor. There's a certain resignation, as he winces from time to time. Of being a monumental fuck up. It's easy to tell others to not dip into a similar mindset, encourage the hell out of them with everything in him.
But hypocrisy is an evil thing.
There's a time or two where he stumbles, trying to lean on Ai for support. But mostly, he stubbornly sticks to his own motions, despite the pain coursing through him. It was his own fault. There's nobody to blame. All that overextending, all the slacking in self care of physique. He won't make the mistake again, and can only hope those around him forget it quicker than he'll ever be able to.
It's a quiet journey to the garage, thankfully not terribly far. Rin hasn't said a word. He leans against a pillar for a moment, as he tries to get his bearings. E5... it's somewhere, he just can't remember where through the noise. He pulls his phone out of his jacket, frowning at the flood of notifications on his screen. He sees something about Ikuya qualifying for the 200m run, but doesn't look past that as he shoves it back into the fabric, looking over at Ai.
"Shit, do you remember where it is?"
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Date: 2025-07-31 04:53 pm (UTC)But Ai also knows Rin, and knows there is no contesting him when he's in this mindset. It's all he can do to be present to catch him if he falls - literally this time around - rather than try to pry Rin's mind away from the path it's set on.
The two times Rin's weight comes upon him, Ai steadies him momentarily with a hand at his lower back. Doesn't hold him there and waits for Rin to inevitably right himself; a silent trust that Rin could handle it, even if he shouldn't handle it. But an ever-present reminder that Ai was going to spot him regardless.
He slows to a stop when Rin does too, and before Rin can even ask, Ai is looking at the ground markers. He remembered their spot, and can remember it in relation to the front entrance--
He points, "Right there. In black." Four cars up. Ai trots ahead of Rin but not too far, within a close enough range that if Rin stumbled again Ai could help him back up. But Ai is first to Sousuke's car, using the button on the keys to unlock its latch; Ai uses the gap in their speed and the time it grants him to open the back door, push the front passenger seat forward, and make room for Rin to lounge back there. Ai pokes his head out of the car,
"It's better if you keep it elevated for now so you can massage the knot out." Implying Rin should sit in such a way that his back is to the window and his leg is over the back seats. He steps back, giving Rin the room to crawl in however he wishes.
And then Ai hesitates.
He knows Rin wants space, and wouldn't be shy about making it known. But Ai also wants Rin to understand Ai's support is in perpetuity. It'd feel rude to just leave him, even if that is exactly what Rin probably wants. Then, an idea sets on him like a perfect compromise.
"Do you want a water, senpai? A drink? I can go to the vending machines and bring something back." Gives Rin privacy. Gets Ai away for a little bit, but enables him to be helpful. He smiles lopsidedly, knowing Rin isn't in the mood for levity but also knowing it has a tendency to cut through the shit sometimes, "Emotions have been high today, you probably need to hydrate."
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Date: 2025-08-01 04:16 am (UTC)So Rin tries to prop himself up in the most comfortable way, wincing a little as he puts his leg up best he can. It sucks, truth be told. But he knows Ai is right and wishes he had been a little more considerate of his body before what was arguably the biggest race of his life. Something in him sinks again, knowing Haru probably got booted out of qualifying, and there's no way in hell Rin is touching that event with a twenty foot pole as long as he lives.
He sighs, zipping up his jacket, and pulling out his phone again before looking back at Ai. He's grateful for the kindness, as exhaustion prickles in every inch of him. But there's some sort of inkling in the back of his head... the one that just screams at everything around him. Rin wants to be alone, but.
He reaches out to squeeze Ai's wrist, before yanking his hand back awkwardly. His fingers curl at the back of his own neck, and he looks away awkwardly. "...sorry." It's one of those moods apparently. Rin shifts a little in the backseat as he tries to get comfortable. "Is it cool? If I touch you still? I don't want you thinking I'm like...leading you on or something." Because Rin realizes how touchy he's been all day and flirty and everything he normally is with everyone today.
And he doesn't want to give people the wrong impression. And he doesn't want to be a jackass. Ai told him flatout to treat him the same. So Rin is trying. It felt easier today, amongst all their friends--teammates now. But in the parking garage, it feels a little stranger. Rin's nails dig into the back of his neck.
"Yeah, just some water. Sorry. Thanks again though."
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Date: 2025-08-01 04:43 am (UTC)There's a gentle, appreciative, familiar simper upon his lips when Rin initially reaches out to him, and Ai ducks his head to look into the car to look at Rin properly, interpreting that as a gesture for wait a minute. That wasn't the complicated part. It's what comes out of Rin's mouth next that is so raw in its essence, Ai wishes he could just take it at face value.
It's true, he asked outright for nothing to change. The difference is that now, everything has changed. And before he'd opened his stupid mouth, there was no leading on. No sense of finite rejection; he could keep it all well-contained in a neat little glass cage, equal parts transparent and yet inaccessible to the public. Now it's loaded. Now it hurts. And yet he is only human, and is selfish, and asked something of Rin before he could really understood what that meant, and.
Ai shakes his head, once, and tries very hard to keep his countenance composed. "It's alright, I wouldn't think that." I don't need you to tell me how you feel. His spine straightens just a little, "My only worry would be your friends." Well. One of them. If Ai has to feel those deep blue eyes roving over him one more time, he might genuinely just fork the key over to Rin and hop on the next plane back to Australia with his uncle.
Ahh. It can't be helped.
He leans his body into the car, foot leveraged on the edge of the doorway. Leans over Rin, and. Hesitates. As if he'd just been about to do something, but the moment he got too close, the wind was knocked out of his sails. And so instead Ai swallows, measuring Rin's expression sincerely. And then, as if having suddenly decided on something else, exhales.
"Don't overthink it. You'll just hurt your head." He's pulling out of the car and bounding toward the venue entrance, absolutely using Rin's current injury to his advantage so he didn't have to hear a retort-- but then comes back momentarily to dip his head back in, "I'll be right back!", before taking off again and heading inside.
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Date: 2025-08-01 12:40 pm (UTC)Except Ai quickly closes that distance. To the point where Rin is shrinking back against the seat. There's. Something. Crossing over his features before he retreats just as quickly. Like it never happened at all. Rin blinks after him, but before he can muster up the words for anything, Ai is gone.
And Rin is left alone with his thoughts again.
In all fairness, it's what he had pressed for. Solitude, and Ai was graciously allowing for that to happen. The tears slowly began to stream over and he laughs to himself. The migraine isn't going to be good tonight. But maybe he can relish in the smaller things. That most of them today were happy at least.
But it's harder to stray away from the other intrusives. The ones that knock over his prior accomplishments today. You have two olympic qualifying times, what the fuck is your problem? Another voice worms out and chides But it could have been three. And you tanked in front of your idol. Got your best friend pulled out too. Rin tangles his fingers through his hair, yanking the locks.
It does two things. A little pain to alleviate the pressure and ground him. Equally, it is a little sting that he is in control of. Something he has control over. A shuddering breath follows, as he wipes his face with the back of his hand. Breathe, breathe. He tries. Fails, for the most part. But the effort is at least worth something, right?
Through the sting in his eyes, he pulls his phone out again, immediately texting his family that he's okay. And before he can even send off a second text, his Mom is gently telling him exactly what he knows. Your dad would be so proud. Don't worry about the last one. And Rin chokes back another sob.
How do people make it so easy?
He tries desperately to compose himself, going through his other messages. It's mostly "congrats" or "are you okay???"s to which he just tries to respond to the concern from others. He knows he would feel like shit if he was in their shoes; no updates on friends who tanked. Haru's sticks out, and it does something to him. Something he doesn't know what to do with.
i think we need to talk
Rin closes out of it as quick as he opened it, focusing on answering Ikuya's lightly teasing text instead before shoving his phone back in his jacket.
He sucks in another shuddering breath, holding his arms above his head to allow his lungs to fully expand. It's awkward in the car, but he manages. His fingers drag along the roof, trying to focus on the gently upholstered interior. It feels almost fuzzy beneath his fingertips. He closes his eyes, tries breathing again. Tries to forget that look that crossed Ai's face, thinking he just fucked something else up too.
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Date: 2025-08-01 02:26 pm (UTC)Wouldn't have thought twice about supporting Rin in absolutely any way it'd take. Whether it was reeling him in, giving him a reality check, a confidence boost, a confidant - there was no wall too high to climb in that pursuit. Ai didn't feel threatened. He felt small, but still held within himself a sense of being present despite that. And yet here he is, wondering if some time is too much time away, or if walking Rin to the car had been a good idea at all.
Worried about consequences.
A phenomenon tenacious, stubborn, enduring Aiichirou had never worried about before. He approaches the vending machine and doesn't press a button right away; instead he puts his head to the cool plastic, as if this could somehow help him to untangle his thoughts. Worry for Rin, shame at his selfishness, undue anxiety about other things. In the back of his head, he's aware he should text Sousuke.
He presses the button for water, pays with his phone (and marvels at how Tokyo's IC readers seem so much more advanced than what they had back at Samezuka), and heads back toward the car. All told, Ai is gone for roughly seven, maybe ten minutes.
He stalls at the entrance to the parking lot, and rises to his tip-toes as if he could try and scout out Rin's mood from this purview. Unfortunately, Sousuke's car is too buried in the row for Ai to be able to peek into the glass from here, and so he resolves to potentially being mildly inconvenient. He approaches the side door, giving it a knock to let his presence be known before opening the door gently, and leaning down to peek inside at Rin. Isn't surprised to see the state he's in; Ai meets him with a kind and gentle smile, one he's extremely used to wearing, those pulleys able to shuffle through the stage curtains faster than most.
"When they write your biopic, senpai, the director is going to give this an incredible music score." Yes, he's teasing a little. Yes he knows it might draw heat, but he's gambling on it cutting through the shit too. Rin's tense, Ai's a little tense, Ai knows Rin can sense he's tense-- Ai just wants to do away with all of it. He reaches in to hand Rin his watter bottle, "I think I saw the guys out in the hall." It's an open floor. Do you want to go to them? Do you want me to go to them? Should I relay a message?
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Date: 2025-08-01 03:20 pm (UTC)One, Rin nearly jumps when Ai comes back to the car, awkwardly pressing his palm flat against the roof while his fingers claw against it.
"Shit, sorry." Maybe he had been able to slip into a more relaxed state too easily. No harm done though, as he nods a silent appreciation and takes the offered water bottle. Two, he snorts because Ai is proving more and more he can actually be funny. Even if he is just trying to cut through all the awkward Rin mudded up between them. He chuckles though, rolling his eyes in response as he takes a sip from the bottle.
"They better spin me almost drowning into some allegory for being gay for Phelps in the lane next to me."
That silence drips down a little, as Rin just focuses on his breathing, drinking water, trying to empty his head for a little bit. But Ai opens the floor, and it makes Rin pause with the bottle against his mouth. What's the best course of action? Crying and wallowing sounds fantastic, but he wouldn't let any of them pull that stunt. So like hell any of them are going to stand by and let it happen either. Rin sighs, pulling the water from his mouth.
"Can't run away from the 'you didn't bother stretching, idiot's for much longer." He pulls his phone out, texting Ikuya that he's good for them to come over. Because he doesn't want to look at Haru's text right now, and he doesn't want to open Sousuke's either because he's already going to get the lecture. Might as well spare himself a few moments longer.
He puts his phone back in his pocket, thumbing the label on the bottle. "Well. Besides that massive fuck up... not too shabby I guess." Rin laughs softly. "Congrats, dude. You worked hard." We all did.
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Date: 2025-08-01 03:33 pm (UTC)Chuckles again at Rin's joke, and dutifully ignores the voice in his head that has a quip to say about the other lane too, and punches low because he knows it works with Rin, "They didn't need you drowning to spin that." Ai's then looking up and to the side, as if contemplating, "I half-thought about seeking him out, but worried if I brought him over, you might kill me."
Leaning in the entrance of the car door isn't the most comfortable, so Ai is instead leaning against the shell of the car outside. Door still open, so he can hear Rin and Rin can hear him clearly; Ai's just continuing to grant him his privacy. And maybe, subconsciously, neglecting Rin the chance of reading Ai's expressions. Not that it does him any good, besides; every time Rin talks, Ai is leaning down to look into the car. Finds it hard to address him without making that connection, even if it's to his detriment.
"I should have said something," he murmurs gently. "While we were in the warm-up room." Ai had been the one who offered to help him stretch, after all. Instead, Ai got caught up in that small moment of revelry and kidding around. Lost focus. Paid too much priority to something that ultimately won't make a difference. It isn't his fault, he knows it doesn't help to dwell on what ifs, but. Still can't help the way his brain spins; he and Rin have this in common.
Ai can hear quite a few footfalls shuffling in the hallway of the entrance toward the parking lot, and starts to see Rin's group turning the corner. One last time, Ai pokes his head in. His expression is almost nostalgic in the way there is nothing but a pure, ardent adoration creasing his eyes. A welled feeling that no amount of baggage or happenstance can ever dull.
"You were incredible today, Rin-senpai. Even now, it makes my chest burn up."
Ai shifts further down the car, away from the open door, as Ikuya and Haruka follow behind Sousuke in their approach.
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Date: 2025-08-01 05:18 pm (UTC)"It's not your fault." He tacks on quickly, muttering as he tilts his gaze towards the back of the seat. He doesn't want any shifted blame, because some of those moments were the best. Seeing Ikuya balk, Ai loosen up, even Sousuke and Haru, stoic as they can be, stifle back laughter? It was worth it. Those are the things that matter right? Rin remembers that fight he had with Haru in the locker room.
"You think I do this for good times? To show off?" "I swim for my friends." And in that moment, as Haru stalked off, Rin sure hadn't felt like much of a friend. That's what swimming is about, right?
"I wouldn't trade the moments I have with you guys for anything..." Rin admits, rubbing the back of his neck. The moment is broken though, as the other three make their way to the car. Rin grabs the oh shit handle, as Sousuke so politely labels it, and leans out of the car a bit, grimacing at the three.
"You see this ass parking job? What kind of guy parks on the lines like that?" To Rin's surprise, he hears Haru.
"Probably the same kind who can't swim straight." Rin can hear Ikuya trying not to laugh. Hell, he's trying not to too. But he loses that fight and sputters out some semblance of one.
"Alright. 1:0 Nanase. You got me good." Rin says quietly.
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Date: 2025-08-01 05:32 pm (UTC)"I wouldn't either."
Haruka wastes no time in meeting Rin half-way, Ikuya close behind; Ai looks to Sousuke, silently passing the keys back to him. Sousuke gives him something of a loaded look, but when Ai doesn't return it, decides to drop it.
Sousuke pockets his keys and just barely peeks inside the car to Rin from over Haruka's shoulder.
"You didn't bitch about my parking on the way here." Sousuke smiles, taunt wrought into the upticked skin. He's just glad to see Rin's not stuck in his head.
"You could have probably centered it better if someone wasn't hanging half-way out the door." It's light. It's good. It's digestible. No doubt, Rin needs the communal uplifting right now, and Ai's happy to oblige.
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Date: 2025-08-01 06:32 pm (UTC)"No way. You're prickly like a cat."
There's the familiarity. Rin sullied it, at least temporarily with his tantrum. Not that anyone here but him would blame him, of course. They're all snickering. Sure it's at Rin's disposal, but after they all ganged up on Ikuya earlier and with how Rin was bawling ten minutes ago, it's all fine.
Halfway hanging out the car, keeping himself pulled up with the handle is also helping all the tension melt away. Sousuke takes a step back, looking around the parking garage. It's quiet for a minute, the chuckles tapering and dissipating. He starts shifting in the backseat, so he's not hanging out the door anymore, but Haru knees down in front of the open door, arms folding on the seat. He's just looking at Rin, his chin resting on his arms. Rin swallows at the intensity of those eyes on him. But suddenly there's a hand squeezing over his own. It's Ikuya.
"I'm gonna get going, before Hiyori has an aneurysm." Rin blinks, but squeezes Ikuya's hand back, smiling.
"Good job today, man. Looking forward to being on the same team." Ikuya blinks, lie that's the most genuine thing Rin's ever said to him. He scoffs, a little color on his face as he waves and walks away. Haru's still kneeling in front of the backseat. Rin just sighs, scratching the back of his head.
"Can I help you? I'm not looking for a proposal, thanks--" Haru shrugs.
"Just looking." It's soft. Rin nearly jerks backwards, but he sees Sousuke step away from the car and tap Ai on the shoulder, pointing the other way.
"I need some help finding the bathroom. Come with me?" And Sousuke tosses the keys at Rin before he starts walking away. "Just remember that's a new car."
And Rin nearly spits in response, Haru remaining as stoic as ever.
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Date: 2025-08-01 06:41 pm (UTC)He would have made up some arbitrary excuse to get the hell out of here himself, but Sousuke beats him to the punch. Ignores the knot in his gut and chooses instead to rely on the tenets he knows to be immovable comforts. Sousuke's intuition, for one.
"I'm surprised you made it back out here without getting turned around," he chimes, already walking back toward the building. And the moment they're out of earshot, with only Sousuke's eyes on him, Ai lets his expression fall. Can't help but look back at the car just one more time before stepping inside.
He says nothing. Just ruffles up his hair, takes a steeled breath, and swallows it all down. "Kirishima-senpai is more animated than I expected." It is absolutely not what is on either of their minds, but it is as if the obvious elephant in the room would threaten rampage if Ai deigned to touch it.
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Date: 2025-08-01 06:51 pm (UTC)It's one thing for your friend to stop writing you when he's in a foreign country. It's another for the letter you finally get to have your name haphazardly scribbled over characters that were something else. And when you pour over the letter, understanding creeps in. And it's then, Sousuke knew and resigned to himself that that's how life would be.
It's bittersweet, perhaps. But it's the reality. He shrugs, taking a turn that leads further into the underbelly of the garage. He's terrible with direction, yes, but this is intentional. Ai was the one that said they needed to talk after all. And maybe this time is as appropriate as any.
"You don't have to talk around it." It's not pushy. Just allowing that offer to settle into the echo of the lot. "But you can finally tell me what happened, too. Good a time as any."
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Date: 2025-08-01 07:05 pm (UTC)It is not the thing that matters. But it's all so fresh and overwhelming and the thought of being face-to-face with Rin tonight is prematurely devastating him. Sousuke can likely see the recollection play out in real time across Ai's features, a flinch to his expression and a mean grimace, as if fighting something back. And then suddenly, all at once, a calm. A resignation.
Sousuke had time to process this. For Ai, it's new.
"I don't know how much detail is helpful," Ai starts, voice unusually quiet. As if speaking too loud reminds him it happened at all. Regret, embarrassment, shame-- a high, a false hope. Rin's phantom touch manifests against the side of his neck, and Ai slaps his palm there as if trying to kill a bug that is biting at him.
"It's as I said earlier," he finally leads, picking at the hem of his jacket sleeve, "It started with me. It was storming, we were both awake. I said something and he reacted accordingly. I did nothing to stop any of it..." A smile crosses his face, bittersweet and hollow.
"I liked it. Maybe that's the worst part."
Can't even look Sousuke in the eye; Ai has his cheek turned, looking out toward the rows of cars. "We took a shower... I don't know. I guess I saw something he didn't, and flew too close to the sun. I didn't," he pauses. Shakes his head, "I didn't even say anything. He just knew."
"He said nothing and bolted."
Ai nods to himself, eyebrows knit. Still can't look Sousuke in the eye. "I'd like to think he got to your place quickly, but it's hard to know for sure. It was close to four AM when he left."
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Date: 2025-08-01 07:18 pm (UTC)When Ai finally finishes, Sousuke exhales softly, rubbing the back of his neck. "Yeah. That sounds like our Rin." It's spoken so softly, not wanting Ai to take anything he says as possible ramifications.
"You know the dude runs. It's not anything you could have prevented. And you wouldn't be you if you didn't like it, right?" Sousuke laughs, looking at a black suzuki parked somewhere nearby, their reflections evident in the glossy paint job.
"Call me crazy, but I'm a little jealous." He holds up his hands as soon as the words fall out of his mouth. Ai and him had a mutual understanding of what they had back at Samezuka, what they were trying to bury--after all. But still, he feels the need to feign surrender. Like joking about it will be the catalyst for something between the two of them next.
"It's not like you lit the match and set the whole place on fire though. Rin hassome blame, and I doubt you would have gone along with it if it seemed like he didn't want it. But yeah, it was a few hours after that he showed up. Can't imagine him running around in a storm if it wasn't bad."
Sousuke's eyes trail down towards Ai's neck, closing his eyes shortly after. He crosses his arms, tilting his head to the side.
"...I drove him out too though. So I guess I'm no better. So I'll shoulder some of it, if that helps at all."
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Date: 2025-08-01 07:27 pm (UTC)"If our circumstances were reversed, I'd feel the same." Sky blue eyes back down on the cement under their feet; Ai, too, leans against the wall just beside Sousuke. Everything in him feels leaden, and he hates it.
His expression solemns, all the crestfallen, resigned shame hanging over his countenance heavily. The last time Sousuke's probably seen him this beaten up over himself may have been the time he nearly tripped over Ai on a Samezuka fire escape.
"I know I didn't. But that's how it feels."
Sousuke mentioning all that had happened after has Ai looking at him from his periphery for a moment, before turning his head to look at him fully. His eyebrows knit in that worried way of his; his hand touches Sousuke's wrist, doing with gesture what Sousuke had just tried to do with words for him.
"He was cagey on the details when I asked." Ai takes in a breath. "What happened?"
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Date: 2025-08-01 07:49 pm (UTC)It's not a question, just some sad statement that resonates between the both of them. It's been so many years for Ai already, even more for himself. Though as a kid you don't quite understand those things with the same velocity. But as life shapes you, you pick up the little things. And that sudden flood of understanding is more heartbreaking than anything else.
But there's his own shame flooding now. His own sins in all of this mess. He shifts a little, his shoulders hitching as Sousuke frowns. It feels like airing some dirty secret. The one where he wasn't strong enough, when Rin needed him to be.
"Just showed up crying and sopping wet. To be honest... the way he was stumbling around and with how his neck looked, I thought I would have to call the cops on someone." Sousuke laughs softly, rubbing the back of his head. "I just made my bed up for him, and let him sleep. Gave him some space."
Sousuke isn't being fair to himself. The first things out of his mouth were you look like shit and it wasn't fair. To him, or to Rin. So he spares the detail.
"Rin got pissy when I asked him what happened. But he told me that you guys were fighting, and he basically pulled your pants down. He was just mad and tired and needed something." Sousuke pauses, watching Ai permissively, like he's wondering if he's allowed to continue. Before he softly does.
"He was freaking out. Like he did something so unforgivable. So I just shrugged and told him it was fine, wasn't anything you and I hadn't done before. Guess you told him though, because he didn't seem surprised. Just pissed."
Sousuke recoils a little at the memory. The intensifying of voices that made him so grateful his brother wasn't home for a few days. That might have gotten the cops called on them, with how their voices escalated.
"He got mad, and said I should have told him how you felt. He didn't ever want to hurt you. Then, I guess..." This is where it gets hard. Sousuke drags his hand down the back of his neck, solemn wrenching over his features and tone. "...asked him how someone couldn't feel that way about him."
It feels dirty. So dirty. Like he's the worst person in the world for letting something slip through the cracks of vulnerability. Rin was already having a shit time, and Sousuke was so unbelievably selfish. He knew what he was saying, what he was doing in that moment. What did he want? Hard to say.
"That's when he started crying again, and ran. I wasn't gonna make him stay. Dude was unhinged. Not that I blame him. Must be shit to process all that in the span of a few hours." There's a little shake in Sousuke's own voice. Maybe it's some phantom pain, or just the welling of his own guilt. He feels Ai's hand against his wrist. That calming, grounding thing. Something he's relied on too much over the years. So selfish.
"...but. When he didn't come back or answer, I kind of panicked. Texted everyone I could think of. I thought he'd go to Nanase's if I'm being honest. But that just freaked him and Makoto out too." Sousuke laughs again. A self deprecating thing. "Kind of made me feel like shit again. Like I ruffled too many feathers."
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Date: 2025-08-01 08:27 pm (UTC)It's his turn to look guilty. Staring down at his feet. It isn't as if he and Sousuke had rules about sharing details about their encounters - but even at the time, Ai had said it plainly to Rin. That it's in Sousuke's best interests for why Ai wasn't forthright, and likely the same for why Sousuke hadn't been either. Ai reneged on that.
"I'd told him earlier. The day he arrived, actually." Ai closes his eyes and takes another steeling breath. "Not as some-- it wasn't some big confession. It came up naturally in conversation. Of course, I spared him the details... He just looked hurt that I'd hide it from him. I guess by the time he got to you, he'd made his peace with it."
And then Ai listens. And when Sousuke says that, he nearly physically recoils. Shuts his eyes, sucks in his lips, turns his cheek away. Not because he finds what Sousuke had said so profoundly evil or anything - no. It's empathy. It's a visceral reaction to knowing they'd both made the same exact mistake within less than a day of one another.
"You did the thing I couldn't conjure the courage to do. The first day Rin-senpai arrived, I thought of reaching out to Nanase-san and Tachibana-san." And Ai regrets it for several reasons, but prime among them now is, selfishly, if he had just done it, he may have saved himself and Sousuke and Rin a lot of heartache. "He was avoiding them. I could intuit why."
There's a pause then. Before Ai does them both the favour of finally identifying the elephant in the room; he gestures with his head back toward Sousuke's car. Toward Rin and Haruka.
"I ran into Nanase-san earlier. I told him to reach out to Rin-senpai." And the breath he takes in and the sigh he exhales are just so--
Resigned.
"So whatever is going on over there, I suppose you could thank me." He hates the way his eyes suddenly burn; he doesn't push them with his palm, doesn't sniff. Just shakes his head, as if disappointed with himself, and forces a smile. "... Thank you for looking out for me, Sousuke-senpai."
no subject
Date: 2025-08-01 09:03 pm (UTC)It's not entirely the truth. He wasn't saving face for Ai in the grand scheme. Things just get awkward at an all boys academy when you say you're sleeping with one of your teammates to blow off the steam you both feel for your captain. From there, it just dissipated into the back of his mind.
Rin was gone. Ai was still there. Ai was in university, and Sousuke was flopping around trying to figure out what the hell to do with his life. Even if he's found it now, there's still infinite possibilities. He didn't think of bringing up a friends with benefit situation with someone he admired for all their tenacity, and diligence in striving for something.
"Do you feel like you did the right thing?" Telling Nanase. Sousuke lets his gaze trail back towards his car. He laughs a little, nudging Ai's knee with his own. "Because it's okay to feel like you didn't. We're all selfish. Just how people are."
Sousuke is speaking from experience, of course. Swallowing down so many things through life. So much of it for Rin Matsuoka, of all people. But maybe that's just what do you when there's a bond that spans so many years, so many lifetimes. It's alright. He has more now. Ai, Makoto. People that do so much for him. He smiles.
"You've looked out for me too, Ai. There's not enough gratitude in the world for me to give."
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Date: 2025-08-01 09:21 pm (UTC)"I was surprised when he did, to be honest. I assumed he'd want to keep it buried given present company." Ai drops his hand, "Kirishima-senpai still doesn't know. Nanase-san does, though." Ai uncomfortably clears his throat, and stalls before forcing the words out,
"I felt the way he was looking at me... When we bumped into one another, it was the same. I didn't want him to get the wrong impression, so I told him the truth. I'm still not sure what he feels, but it's at least out of my hands now."
And speaking of Haruka. Ai knows what Sousuke means, and the way Ai nearly curls into himself is pathetic. Crosses an arm to hold the opposite one, one leg suddenly hitched up against the wall. A distinct feeling of wishing he could shuck off his skin and start over again. Because he knows to anyone else on planet earth, his reply would seem horrifically deprecating, if not outright fetishistic in its prostrate nature.
"No, I don't feel I did." He swallows to ladle his saliva over the pit growing in his stomach, as if that might cull it, and then turns his head to look at Sousuke, raw determination lining his eyes.
"I know I did."
Blinks away that determination; his hand has to come up and help push some of it off his cheek. And stares back down at the ground, "Because I know you saw the same thing I did. The way Rin-senpai smiled. I never, ever want to get in the way of that. I absolutely won't." He makes a noise, a choked grunt, likely a sob he aborted. Turns ninety degrees away from Sousuke, trying to gather his resolve again. "Even if I'm useless, at least this much I can do. So I did."
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