for @buttterfly - post-tfln

[taeru]

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[buttterfly]

[that makes rin think a little. is it so bad to be reaching so far into the future, that there's even the consideration of possibilities for life after everything? the pool? the medals? what does rin ideal world look like after that? the years spent absent from the water after hitting the wall were some of the most miserable of his existence. is it wise to retreat back into that lifestyle? or has he been cured so to speak by "the power of friendship" and the bonds he's curated through the years?

he glances over at ai, rubbing the back of his neck. his gaze lingers for a moment. where would he be without this friendship in particular? the bitter, self deprecating part of his mind says his friend wouldn't be neck deep in a possible scandal and miserable beyond belief. but ai and haru are arguably some of the keypoints in that turnaround. ai's persistence most of all. rin bites his lip, and lets his gaze drift back to the counter]

I think it would suit you. You kind of are already doing that, right?

[he doesn't mean for it to sound bad or concerning towards his ever dilapidating psyche. it just feels like fact]

Yeah. [he chuckles a little] Dogs are cool. But a cat would probably fit me better. Just need to find one that doesn't hate my guts first.

[the ones always hanging around the old Nanase residence didn't seem to absolutely despise him. maybe if he retires and that little colony is around he'll try to convince whoever is around to let him have one. haru's parents? unlikely. they seem to thrive in a jetsetting lifestyle. the tachibanas? they're the ones feeding them right now... maybe. haru? rin doesn't know where haru will end up. he has his own shit he needs to sort through right now, and some long far off future doesn't seem of vital importance right now]

Maybe I'll take up Makoto's path. Coaching doesn't sound bad. Long as it's not like it was babysitting you lot...

[spoken absolutely affectionately]

[taeru]

[Ai looks at Rin in that way that often functions as a premonition for imminent disaster. A crinkle in his eye, too mirthful; a smile so extremely polite, and kind, and affable, and gentle that behind its wretched curl do multiple horrible, terrible decrees lay.

He even pairs it with a tilt of his head this time.]

I wouldn't go as far as to say that, Rin-senpai. You're nothing like a foster dog!

You're more like a wet cat who found its way in from the street.

[A cat does fit him better. Ai likes cats, too; they're often way more calm, and nowhere near as excitable. His parents always kept dogs, is all, so his bias is quite an arbitrary one.

He's now thinking of first year, and of Sakura. Ai suddenly regrets not interjecting himself into that one; is it possible he could have convinced Rin to keep her in their dorm? Co-cared for her? It's a thought that is far too domestic, and makes his chest flush far too warmly. Suddenly he's clearing his throat, right as Rin says that.

Maybe something about having to metaphorically bleed a little let Ai peel the veneer back again - from over-sensitivity to equilibrium. Not afraid to level Rin with an exasperated expression and fallen shoulders.]

I hardly needed babysitting! Well, if either of us needed supervising, it wasn't me... [Did he say that out loud? Oops. He's defensively crossing his arms.] Besides, if you bark at kids the way you barked at me about my desk, you might just scare them out of wanting to swim at all...

[buttterfly]

Got that right. Should have barked a little louder, and you might have gotten the picture.

[well, he did eventually. rin knows the apartment by heart enough to know that ai's turned a page in that chapter. everything has a place. even if there's that little inkling that rin knows is true. futons perpetually on the floor aren't commonplace. having to pull hoods up just a little tighter now, always looking over your shoulder when coming to and from. that's rin's fault now, isn't it? he tries to push the thought aside]

Nah, maybe you're right though.

[rin laughs, taking a swig out of his water bottle]

You turned out alright. Heard nothing but praise from the guys after I left. Wouldn't be a bad path for you to pursue either. I think you're a bit nicer than me when someone's in a crisis, after all.

[he leans his chin on his hand, humming to himself for a moment]

[taeru]

It's fun when you bite sometimes, but I actually cried back then, you know? Threatening to leave like that... I was really upset!

[It was so long ago, and Rin's more than made up for his attitudes in spades, and as far as Ai is concerned it is cemented enough as part of their mutual history that kidding around seemed fair game. Rin never went through with the room change; Ai found different reasons to cry. They both grew up a little.

Some things really don't change at all, though, like taking a compliment. Ai scratches his cheek, just under his beauty mark, lips somewhat pursed as he looks at the tiled floor.]

It's easy to be an authority when thirty people are looking to you for guidance... I definitely would have been lost without our meetings before you graduated.

[Then he's smiling, something gentle. Picks his eyes up to find Rin. For a moment, Ai finds he's grateful for this slice of normalcy, and wonders how long it'll last this time.]

For whatever it's worth, senpai, you make it easy to care. [I will absolutely never be the reason he loses his smile. This was true even back then.]

[buttterfly]

Yeah, yeah...

[rin bites his lip, fully aware of the massive temper tantrums he has tossed ai's way throughout their life. some more recent than he cares to admit. but water under the bridge. right?

the one ai refers to though really strikes a nerve. it floods him with hot shame. as the following captain, rin knows why seijuro came to the decision to pull him from the relay team like he did. rin was swimming selfishly, recklessly and without abandon. all to swim with found family again, much as he was loathe to admit it at the time. he acted cruelly, and he wishes he could take it back but.

maybe they never would have moved on from last name basis if not for that incident. and despite the transgressions, the pollution rin has dragged them through especially as of late, he wouldn't give up his friends or experiences for anything. even if he regrets something in particular, but not for the reasons one might expect]

It was some of the last time we were going to spend together. Course I wasn't going to shy away from it. Besides, you needed to be molded a little bit before they all walked all over you.

[...you make it easy to care. rin bites his lip, and continues keeping his gaze fixed elsewhere. if that's so true, then why does it feel like anytime the care comes, something transpires in its wake?]

...thanks.

[...he really should call mikhail. figure out what the fuck he's going to spin this as. but despite it, something about it doesn't feel real. and that's the worst part of all. imagining mattering so much that someone writes a hit piece, tries to trash a reputation that barely exists to begin with... he sighs, and grabs his phone]

Probably should start figuring this shit out. And training camps. [he adds on, because he hasn't forgotten and won't let ai either] Don't forget your letter.

[taeru]

[Rin had been awfully finite at the time, and with him miles away in Australia during Ai's third year, he really did think those afternoons and late nights at burger joints and in Ai's home, exchanging notes and reminiscing, would be the last times Rin would deign to give Ai his time. Sousuke tried to reassure him otherwise, but when days turned into weeks and then weeks into months without communications, Ai had figured his gut had been right the whole time.

Third best. Not good enough to call even when Rin returned to Japan briefly. Ai had been so beside himself with his inferiority, he couldn't even bring himself to text Rin either - a mentality that persisted even after Rin found his equilibrium.

It's for these reasons Ai thinks back on his final high school swim with an overwhelming fondness, Rin's voice in the bleachers louder than anyone else's, including his own mother. Even now, he's not sure what pushed him to first place and a new personal best, all his hard work, or that moment's reassurance that he wasn't a thing of the past after all.

Well. They were overdue to crash back to reality at some point. When cued, Ai shuffles out of the kitchen and back to the small dining table, collecting his phone; then, he moves back to his desk.]

It's done, I just have to turn it in. I'll bring it with me during my shift tomorrow... I thought it'd be rude if I showed up just to resign.

[He tilts his head then, placing the paper back down. Clearly contemplating something.]

I don't know what Mikhail-ojiisan is going to recommend, but I wonder if drafting a statement isn't a bad idea either. [Even if he and Rin resolved to continue on as normal, who knows what professional council might suggest? He'd much rather think about training camps than PR stunts, so Ai massages his temples.] Ahh! But about Paris. What are the hotels like? Will you be alone, Rin-senpai?

[buttterfly]

You're too nice, dude.

[rin laughs softly. if he was saddled with a job right now, then he would probably bail, too focused on riding the highs. but ai is right, ai is reasonable. leaving a gap in the work team, people you see near daily and trust to help you accomplish a fixed goal? maybe rin really is a selfish guy. he swallows, and shakes his head]

But you're right. You're probably a valued member. Bet they'll be happy to tell everyone you're on the olympic team now.Some good PR.

[an obvious dig at their own predicament. but he doesn't swell on it too long, because ai's already beat him to the punch and brings it up momentarily before letting it slip again. rin will let it go too. there's no point in drudging it up and getting into another tiff. not when things feel normal again after the roller coaster of emotions they've been through over the proceeding weeks]

Oh, right! You've never done one of these before. They're pretty cool.

[rin remembers his first one fondly]

Usually double or triple occupancy. Buddy system to make sure none of us are getting into too much trouble. Totally random, unless you hate someone's guts they might take it into consideration. Hotels are great. Usually we've got a curfew, and they ask people to not make a scene if you do go out.

[taeru]

[Ai scratches his cheek again, something of a nervous habit,] Ah, I wouldn't go that far... They're great guys, but I don't think they follow sports very closely.

[It feels like a rarity nowadays to catch Rin reminiscing, let alone fondly. It's the undercurrent of passion Ai can identify readily - the very same that had infected and permeated the air yesterday during the better half of their morning and afternoon at the All-Japan. It's immediately infectious, causing Ai's face to bisect with a wide smile.

Double or triple occupancy, huh? And pulled from a lottery of names. Ai likes to think himself as someone who is easy to get along with, so he's not too worried; rather, the idea of rooming without Rin leaves him canting his head. What can you do? It's no good to feel entitled to such a thing, anyway. Ai pulls out his desk chair, but rolls it a little closer to the center of the living space, sitting in it backwards with his arms crossed over the top.]

So it really is like what you read about in the books. [And what he's heard about from Sousuke, Seijuuro...] Hating someone that much for a room change, though... That's pretty bad, isn't it? They're still your teammate.

[For a moment, he chews his bottom lip. Considers, weighs. Then asks,]

Any stories from last year?

[buttterfly]

Please. Any business is happy to tout they have an employee on the olympics team.

[last year was such a blur. moping over the loss of whatever he and haru have? had?? coming back together. all of them being under makoto and nao's guidance. freaking the fuck out over haru's whatever health crisis. it was a wild time. but winning gold? now that's something special. maybe that's when his smile turns fond]

...it's when I finally realized my dream? It was happening.

[yesterday solidified it. but. even his bronze was a huge accomplishment. but maybe gold felt the best because of the teamwork behind all of it. rin folds his arms on the counter, leaning his head there for a moment, watching ai traverse across the same space and casually take up space on his chair similarly]

I think I was too much in a tizzy over everything else going on to have any real fun.

[what a lame admission. rin tosses a smirk towards ai, shifting his gaze a bit]

Any planned stories for you? Or are you just going to focus on petting all the fancy dogs?

[taeru]

[... my dream? it was happening. It is so incredibly hard for Ai's expression not to be immediately overtaken by something-- fond undersells it. It's an ardor, fervent and hot and so painfully, viscerally proud. As if every single complicated and tangled ounce of how he considers Matsuoka Rin could be so perfectly encapsulated by something so simple: Rin met his goals, and that makes Ai extraordinarily happy.

More than that... The idea that this time around, it might be him too on that same stage? He wouldn't have a way to explain why there are suddenly butterflies in his chest; it's all Ai can do to bite his bottom lip and bury the bottom half of his face behind his arms.]

It was your first international competition, I wouldn't blame you for only focusing on the obvious. Athens will probably be the exact same for all of us.

[Us. Us! Ai hadn't been able to admit it to himself at All-Japan yesterday; could barely squeak it out to his parents on the phone. Lost the breath for it this morning amidst the whirlwind they had to endure together. But finally, it can coat his tongue and he can actually taste it. He bites his knuckle.

Stays just like that as Rin returns the question, and Ai smiles around his digit, before lolling his cheek against his palm.]

How could I plan a story? And besides, we're only talking training camps. [He rolls his eyes down to the floor in thought.]

What would I do... It's hard to say... That's lame, isn't it? I'll be honest, it still doesn't feel real. It probably won't hit me until we're there. All I can think about is you and the water. [If he had offered clarification, he'd specify because of this mess we're in, so as not to put Rin on the back foot. But... Maybe just this once, siphoning himself isn't necessary.]

[buttterfly]

[Athens. all of them nestled together in the foothills of greece. something about the prospect has his heart thumping in his chest. training camps will be something, sure. brutally hard work. the opportunity to intensify bonds, test their limits. but when they're finally there? at the top? there's no holding back the well of emotions rin is feeling]

Your story is whatever you want it to be.

[he's swept back to the good parts of australia. not dwelling in the agony towards the end. a finality that seemed like the best idea at the close. is it still? what makes a dream truly yours? he looks over at ai, and smiles. is a story really so different? another page in the vastness of dreamland?]

S'not lame. [he reassures gruffly] Hard not to focus on those things. The things that shape you.

[he's not equating ai's words to something Bad. he's equating it to two teenage kids who shared brief words and exchanges about their future aspirations. while one was in turmoil, and one was falling in love. now that he knows, at least... rin shakes the thought from his head, and doesn't want to ruin the moment. even though he knows he should be playing damage control. it feels comfortable again. and he's always the one to ruin it. isn't he?]

Training camps are training camps, dummy. You're going to fucking Paris. [he laughs softly, teasing softly in turn] Just take it all in until we get there. It'll be here before you know it.

[he huffs, pulling away from the counter and really pulling out his phone this time]

Let me make some calls. Then how about we forget all the bad stuff and watch a bad movie?

[taeru]

[It probably wasn't Rin's intention, but there is just a poignancy about his words that deals critical damage to Ai's psyche. Not in a bad way-- but a large enough impact that he's rubbing at his mouth and all but gluing his eyes down onto the floor.

The things that shape you. Who's done that for him more than Rin? Both incidentally and purposely. Without Rin, Ai wouldn't have found his dream. Wouldn't have been able to pull out of himself the multitudes and depths of feelings he can't even begin to quantify. It's safe to say Rin's shaped his life so much that without him, it'd lack colour all together. He'll take all the bitter, angry reds and overwhelming, torrential blues and everything in between one-thousand times over before considering a lifetime where he couldn't have them at all.

Somewhere he recognizes Rin is giving him reassurances, but Ai is so singularly stuck on that phrase still. But also recognizes it's rude not to reply, and so he moves his hand from his mouth down to his jaw in order to do so somewhat belatedly,]

You almost make it sound like a threat, [he kids, shaking him out of the well of butterflies currently asphyxiating him. Let me make some calls. All at once, their wings cease, laid to rest somewhere in the bottom of Ai's stomach.

Lock and key, right. But, Ai blinks.]

Sure. If you pick the movie, I can get us a few drinks... Ah, but what about the pool, senpai? [Maybe it's for the best they didn't venture out so early - thought, there'd be nothing stopping them from a late night swim, either. Ai's access to his university's pool was in perpetuity. He sits up a bit straighter in his chair,] And... If you need me to talk to Mikhail-ojiisan too, let me know. Or-- whoever. If there's any way I can help.

[buttterfly]

We'll go later. [he reassures with a small wave, before slipping his shoes back on, and grabbing his cap, tugging it far down his face] I'll let you know.

[and with that, he lets the door behind him close with a click. he's already dialing mikhail, dimly aware his coach picks up on near the last ring with a humming tone. rin rolls his eyes, keeping an eye out on his surroundings and venturing out away from his usual jogging path. they start the conversation casually. mikhail asking if rin slept well last night, littering in a few details of the upcoming training camps and some other things he wanted rin to implement in the coming days. but then... things taper.

there's no denying the inevitable anymore unfortunately]

You listened to it, right? They're trying to fucking make it out like. Like I'm messing around with half the team!

[mikhail's words are anything but sympathetic. perhaps slightly reassuring. but rin doesn't need to be babied, and he's chosen mikhail specifically for his crass, even if his strangeness outweighs that sometimes.

"There is nothing, we both know it. Just smoke." rin doesn't like this answer. in fact he fucking hates it, because that's just it. there is things. even if it is nothing in the grand scheme...]

They're calling people! What am I supposed to do, huh??

["Don't look defensive. These people. They thrive on panic. You think like a strategist. Not a cornered animal." rin bites his lip, rounding a corner near the park, and pressing his hand against his forehead, a hushed tone overtaking him]

Easy for you to say. You already are the creep they're trying to make me out to be!

[mikhail ignores him. rin can almost hear his coach strumming his fingers along his jaw, contemplative evident in the way he hums. "Nanase. They may be looking at my nephew physically, but him well... they seem to be spinning some silly love triangle. You say there's nothing?"]

I didn't say that. But even if there was, it's none of their fucking business...

["Remember you're a public figure now. Take care to consider images athletes have to uphold. There's truly nothing between any of you?" .........rin shrinks under the implications. because he doesn't know, he doesn't know, he doesn't know. his fingers fly up to dig into his bangs, tugging them as he hisses against the speaker]

It doesn't matter.

["Exactly. But perhaps you shouldn't be so quick to deny either. The public likes a story, no? Romance it sells here. My nephew is a more complicated circumstance but... we all make mistakes right? People take breaks." rin doesn't like it. he doesn't like any of this. mikhail continues, however. "As for them speculating I coach you because of him.... how silly!" rin also doesn't like the tone, but. he doesn't push it because he's so swamped up in his own head]

...so do nothing. Pretend?? Feed them some stupid headline??!

["Almost. Better to let them speculate about something private than to tear apart someone else's reputation no?" that unfortunately makes the most sense. rin bites his lip, leaning against one of the trees in the park. it's quiet, there's nobody really around so he's not afraid to speak up just a little, still aware someone might be parading around somewhere that he can't discern]

So what. We make their story look childish?

["Exactly. They want scandal? We give them professionalism. Romance?" he snorts. "We laugh. Are we clear?" rin hesitates, letting the silence stretch for a moment before he nods like his coach could actually see it somehow]

Got it. Yeah.

[they cut their conversation short after a while, and when rin hangs up the phone, he drags his hand down his face, groaning. he texts ai a quick be there soon before he makes another call. he doesn't remember how long he was even on the phone with mikhail. long enough that the sky has changed, and his legs are aching. he stops at a cornermart first, texting ai another quick need anything? as his head pounds]

[taeru]

[Had Ai been privy to the phone conversation, he'd almost be gobsmacked that both he and his uncle reached the same ultimate conclusion: continue on as normal. Pretend there's nothing. Because there isn't. Evidence of something not important that Ai could swing a million ways if pressed on it directly.

Unfortunately for him, he has not a single damn clue what all transpires between (he assumes) his uncle and Rin, and when the minutes continue to span on for almost nearly an hour, Ai grows worried.

He's laying on his couch, looking at the ceiling. Still reconciling with feelings he'd not exactly addressed, simply buried; the pervasive worry that he's gotten in the middle of Rin's dream. That a lapse in judgment could nearly tear his whole kingdom down. Stupid. Stupid. Sousuke's been kind in their text conversation, but even here, he can feel the judgment. Had heard it from Sousuke not even twenty-four hours ago. How quickly I'm jealous can turn into told you so.

His head isn't spinning anymore, at least. The eye of the storm seems to have passed over them both; something about its wake left him feeling overwhelmingly, oppressively alone, but maybe it's for the best.

He feels his phone vibrate and turns it up from where he'd had it face down on his stomach; seeing it's Rin and not Sousuke, Ai instinctively sits up, immediately firing back with Take your time! Hope it went well. And then he waits... And waits. And when his uncle doesn't call, Ai figures there's probably not anything worth saying. That, or Mikhail is protecting him from something, which is a thought that makes Ai insanely frustrated. He has half a mind to call his uncle himself, but out of interest of not complicating Rin's part in all of this, Ai decides not to.

Just as Ai's getting up to make himself busy in whatever possible way he can conjure in his apartment, Rin's second text comes through. I'm ok, thank you. Get home safe! It's as good a cue as any; Ai opts to get his laptop and hook it up to his barely used TV, letting it idle on a movie service. Sets the kettle.

Normalcy. He can't aim for much else; his uncle is spoken for, Rin's reputation hangs in the balance. For all Ai knows, his spot on the team could be jeopardized because of it all. But tea and a movie? He can manage that much, and have relative confidence he won't fuck it up.]

[buttterfly]

[it's a quiet venture back to the apartment. rin takes an unusual route, thinking it best to shake things up whenever he leaves now. just as a precautionary method. he grabbed a sports drink, just to sip on something on the way home. normally, he doesn't indulge in much sugar, but. seems appropriate given everything.

he returns to the apartment, locking it behind him and shoving his cap up to hang alongside his jacket. his head hurts. he feels a bit foul from everything. implications, accusations, lack of responsibility and above all: doing nothing. rin doesn't think he's the type to sit idly by, sitting on his hands, letting his problems work themselves out. it's why he indulged in some irresponsibility, and isn't at liberty to divulge further. especially not right now.

a soft smile slips across his face, as he sees ai has everything set up already. sometimes you just need to laugh at fictional issues or comedic situations so far removed from your own. even if rin feels like he's walking on eggshells every which way]

Sorry, took longer than I expected.

[rin rubs the back of his head, draping himself over the back of the couch as he stretches out his legs a bit. wincing a little. it's not terrible, but isn't the greatest feeling either]

[taeru]

[Ai's sat on the couch when Rin returns, flashing him an amicable smile once he makes his approach. Of course, it's all still on Ai's mind, too; it's hard not to be. They're stil relatively in the thick of it, even if initial panic has subsided. More than that, he can tell whatever conversation Rin's had must've gotten under his skin some; Rin had a propensity to run when under stress, literally and figuratively. Given how long he'd been out, it's easy to surmise Rin was trying to blow off steam. It's also incredibly hard to miss the stress in his shoulders.

Were this a month earlier, he might've offered to help Rin stretch out. Or would have taken the liberty of getting those cool-hot patches himself and slapping one or two on his calf. None of it comes to fruition now; Ai just leans a bit more into the arm rest to make more room for Rin, should he wish to stretch out. Ai for his part is sitting with his legs crossed.

He silently places the remote on Rin's knee, letting him drive. And maybe it's a bit of a preemptive olive branch, since Ai is about to ask a question he knows Rin likely wants to just shelve for now:]

It's alright, better to pay these kinds of things full attention. [His eyebrows furrow, just a little.] Were you able to learn anything new? Did Mikhail-ojiisan reach out after all?

[buttterfly]

[it's true. he wants nothing more than to shove all of this aside. it brings those hot wells of shame, despite the reassurances of his coach--who obviously has an inkling more than he's letting on. and rin tries not to dwell on that either]

Yeah, we talked for a while.

[now rin is deciding how much to lean into. he wasn't fond of how mikhail discussed his nephew, like he was a mere blip in their existence. so obviously that bit is getting tossed out the window in terms of discussion. as for everything else? rin bites his lip, putting a pause in the stretching to take the remote off his knees, and turn it over between his fingers. back and forth]

Nothing new. Just the same old shit.

[he scoffs out that last bit, staring pointedly at the floor]

I've got... a few options. But nothing solid until they release whatever they're releasing. Then decide on nothing, or...[rin sighs, pushing the remote against his forehead for a minute] do something. It just depends on the shit they say. That's it.

[taeru]

[Rin is thinking way too hard for Ai to trust what comes out of his mouth is the full truth - it's obvious he's filtering something, choosing words wisely. Either because he didn't like hearing whatever he heard, or to protect Ai from something. But this, too, wasn't new; if Ai threw a fit every time Rin minced his words, Ai would have been classified as a national menace and probably put on exile.

So he lets it go. If and when Rin was ready to discuss it, he would. Rin's got a point anyway that Ai can't refute: there wasn't even anything actionable to do or not do until the piece came out. Until such a time, it's all they can do to continue on as normal.

And so Ai relents, easily at that. He sinks back into the couch a little, choosing to relax. Relax among chaos; relax among Rin. Both things he doesn't think he's allowed himself in at least a cumulative five weeks. Probably only allowing himself now as the consequences of not having done so sooner manifested this morning and taught him a harsh lesson.

The way Rin's pressed the remote to his forehead... Ai smiles stupidly, looks down to the tv screen. It's bad to think it's cute, but I can't help it. Ai bites his bottom lip to stay that thought.]

Then! No sense stressing over it anymore, right? I'm sure my uncle will follow up with me once he has his ducks in a row, too. [He shifts his knee just enough to bump against Rin's ankle.] It'll be rare for us to know peace once training camps start up; we have to seize what bits of it we can get now. [Ai then gestures with his hand,] You can drive.

[buttterfly]

Bingo.

[rin huffs, slumping back against the couch, deeming his leg thoroughly stretched out or whatever. even if he doesn't buy it for a second in his own head, still reeling over the shit mikhail said. but... something bothers him. something that makes rin grit his teeth. he misses the way ai is staring at him pressing the remote against his face. he's about to start scrolling their streaming service, find something so ridiculously stupid that they can just both laugh at it.

and well. rin matsuoka is rin matsuoka. and has a big mouth]

Why didn't you ever ask your uncle to coach you?

[he blurts out suddenly. there's a moment of realization as he whips his gaze over to ai. and realizes what can of worms he just dove into. and the remote clatters to the floor. his jaw tightens, he's not angry. he's just confused, frustrated. over everything. why does mikhail regard ai like he's something not important? why did that conversation feel so sour when it came to ai's feelings? rin doesn't even know what ai--if ai--said anything to his uncle about what transpired.

he seems to notice his momentary slip up and bites his lip, tearing his gaze back towards the carpet]

...sorry. That's not my place.

[taeru]

[The question itself really isn't anything big or bombastic - in fact, Ai thinks he touched on it lightly once before, kind of. What gets him is the way Rin looks as if he's burned himself just by asking. Was trying to engage with Ai that painful? Was the conversation Rin had with Mikhail that bad? Questions Ai knows if he thinks on too long, he'll start gnashing his teeth the exact same way Rin currently is. So he does what he does best: tries to disarm, shooting a somewhat rueful smile Rin's way with a gentle shake of his head.]

I like when you ask me things. [I like when you talk to me. He knows Rin's not really fishing for reassurance, but Ai offers it freely anyway; turns a little, even, to face him better. He follows Rin's gaze down to the carpet for a moment, before settling on Rin's eyes again, trying to keep the floor open where Rin thinks he's closed it up.]

Well... I was pretty embarrassed, to be honest. He's a world-class swimmer, and I was the slowest on our team. I didn't tell you about him for these reasons, and I didn't ask him for help for those same reasons. If I was meant to be in this same world as you, I wanted to get there my own way.

[He shrugs a little with one shoulder.]

And by the time I thought it'd be a good idea, he'd already taken you. Of course, he knows none of this; Mikhail-oyaji loves me very much, but I'm sure from his perspective, it seems like I'm giving him a cold shoulder. I can't blame him for thinking that.

[It's Ai's turn for his eyes to flit down to the carpet, expression further away for that moment.]

He knows we're close, though. And he saw me swim yesterday, so he knows I've grown, too. But... If you're asking whether or not I know what's going on in his head, I'm afraid I can't give you a good answer.

[buttterfly]

[deep down he knows. he knows the way ai lights up when rin asks him things. it's something he's been setting out to do ever since he arrived back here, ever since they adopted this roommate status. he nods, swallowing down the relieved words that want to bubble out so desperately. just letting ai talk it all out]

...right.

[he remembers a bit of this, but wanted to hand the floor over to ai to explain everything. put whatever he likes into perspective. he just wants to listen. rin doesn't know ai's family dynamics. he feels like...mikhail has some very interesting concepts of love.

what kind of love extends to his nephew then?]

Nah, not asking you to explain anything for him. Was just curious.

[taeru]

[It was funny, Ai thinks. Rin sought to figure out Ai's mind more when his own was a mess - thinks to the many times Rin interjected when Ai had been minding his business, sought to reach a mutual accord when he deigned something important enough to him. And then distance happened; and space. And other people. Ai is no better, seemingly unsure of how to approach Rin with things of sensitive natures at all... Though that, perhaps, is something more fresh. He trusted Rin; he just didn't trust himself anymore.

Ai leans off the couch to pick up the remote quietly and without fuss, handing it back to Rin as if he had never dropped it at all.

And then wonders.

And wonders enough that it winds up tripping off his tongue, as if the idea of him taking up any amount of Rin's brainspace was a foreign concept to begin with,] What had you curious? Did my uncle say something?

[buttterfly]

[his fingers curl around the remote. it seems like such an out of place thing in their relationship. rin can't remember the last time they just sat on the couch like this, watching tv like it was nothing. and wasn't he just mucking this up too? bringing up shit that didn't matter, and clearly was making ai overthink things because--

did my uncle say something?

rin squeezes the plastic between his fingertips. like it could somehow vanquish all his problems at the drop of a hat. why does his gut feel like it's sinking, and everything is back at square one?]

It--

[it would be so easy to lie again. it's nothing. but he's already slipped up once today with something ai construes as a lie of some kind. rin's lip quivers a little, before he bites down on it. the small nick of pain blossoming from the gesture does him in. no. he won't.]

Sorta, yeah.

[taeru]

[Ai isn't surprised by the reply. How could he be, with how cagey and distant Rin has been since he came home? A familiar feeling crawls up his spine, a gently roiling heat that tricks itself up one vertebrae at a time, manifesting squarely in his chest as--

Frustration. The kind that leaves him balking a little at Rin with a vague scoff that he bites back. And then bites his lip, too. Because the last time he got frustrated with Rin and said something about it, well.

He takes a slow, calming breath. Exhales it evenly through his nose. And then very emphatically leans forward a little, enough to be able to rest his hand on Rin's outer shin. Stroke his thumb over the fabric there. Ai really didn't engage with physical contact, usually, but feels he needs to cross that boundary to ground Rin.

And maybe, too, to soften the blow:]

And? [he implores, incredulous.] Rin-senpai, I'm not fragile. You won't break me by saying something I won't want to hear. [His eyebrows knit.] I'm-- I need you to at least try and trust me a little.

[buttterfly]

[it's not like he means to shoot a look over at ai. rin doesn't even know what kind of expression he's making at the inquiry. i'm not fragile. he wants to hiss and spit that of course he fucking knows that. neither of them are, despite whatever public opinion might befall them. but they're still two kids (young adults but) who are navigating through some shit even people twice or three times their age never experienced.

where's the white picket fence, and perfect dream job and spouse and kids and? rin swallows--hard--trying to force honesty out of himself. because as jaded as he is in the art of being honest, he's not with himself and maybe even less so when the possibility of hurting another is on the table. rin fucking whines and his hand drops to squeeze the edge of the couch cushion]

I trust you. More than fucking anything.

[truth at its core. haru, sousuke, his family--nothing can compare to whatever friendship he's cultivated over the years with ai, seeing the darkest parts of him and allowing only ai to bring him back from that brink. he may have swam the relay with haru, but ai was the first one there after rin fucked up]

He said you were a complicated circumstance. Said people make mistakes, and fuck shit up when they're on... breaks.

[that last word is sour on his tongue]

Sounded like he was implying you're nothing special. And that's not... it's not true!! Jesus, fucking christ. I fucked up, okay?? I can't punish myself enough for it, but now they're punishing you too. This fucking sucks. You're my best friend, and I--

[there. he says it. he's known it. sousuke and haru are there. but it takes a special kind of person to go through the shit they have. it takes everything in him to not throw something across the room, just focusing on ai's hand on his shin]

I trust you more than anyone. And I'm sorry for monumentally fucking it up. Like I don't even feel like I can do-- [his shin spasms a little under ai's hand, but before ai can yank his hand back, rin slaps his hand over ai's to keep it there] --something like this without hurting your feelings or feeling like I'm leading you on. I hate this.