[in sleep, there’s little discern for the waking reality surrounding you.
similarly, Rin is completely oblivious to the happenings around him. Not the way Ai’s heart picks up, not the way Ai tucks Rin underneath his chin. Arms around him. It puts that dreamscape somewhere else.
that lull is transformed to somewhere in his head. somewhere where sky blue morphs into something else. Something cooler, and familiar.
the hand brushing up his spine, up and down so methodically puts him somewhere else. It pulls some noise out of him, and in his haze he thinks he’s somewhere else. Sleep addled, and riding the high of the stressors and ups and downs of the last few days, weeks, whatever…
he’s not awake. Not really at least when he blearily brings his head up to cover ai’s mouth with his own.
fingers tight on ai’s shirt, digging in. eyes still not open, dimly reminiscent of other things. Who’s to say what though]
[Throughout it all, there is one universal truth: Ai is not delusional.
There's a panic at first. Rin's face inching closer until all of Ai's periphery is shadow and blood red. Shocked into a frozen stasis, because what the fuck is he supposed to do?
Never mind the way the coals in the absolute pit of his stomach suddenly roar with a fire, licking at his spine and his extremities. It burns, hot and painful.
Every pathetic ounce of him wants to make the same mistake twice. To lead Rin deeper; to pull the wool over his own eyes. Pretend as if this could be anything other than what Ai knows, what he knows it is. How much easier it'd be if he cared just a little less; would let him do what he wanted, seek the peace he needed. Unfortunately, Ai was in far too deep to let both himself and Rin toe against lines they both know shouldn't be crossed.
... Doesn't stop him from leaning into it, though. Just a little bit. A hand coming to Rin's jaw, far too sweet. Parting from him with a nip to Rin's bottom lip, as if once again trying to commit the feeling to memory like he had last time, because this time for sure it'll be the last.
Opens his mouth to speak. Nothing comes, and his eyes burn bad. Rakes in a shaky breath, lets it coalesce in his chest as something stronger, and then exhales it frustratedly from his nose.
The worst part is how warm Rin is. And soft. How real. How if Ai closed his eyes and put his mind somewhere else entirely, he might be able to believe for a second that this is the sort of tender, languid want they could have had if he'd been bolder, earlier. If he'd been someone better. The worst part is how it's all he's imagined, kept stalwartly locked in his chest and mind's eye, and how he knows not a single ounce of it is meant for him.
Ai's hand drops to Rin's shoulder and shakes him gently, bracing himself for what he surmises will be an inevitable freakout.]
Senpai, [he calls louder, not even using Rin's name. A specific choice, because Ai knows Nanase has no reason to call Rin by the honourific; it's the quickest way to pull him out of where Ai knows Rin's escaped to. I'm sorry.] Please wake up.
[there's some delusion of blue. whether that's from parking garages and oceans, broken teacups and bright blue skies or complicated ripples of turquoise that have always lingered in the back of his mind... it's hard to say.
but through one glaringly obvious one, rin can feel the warmth on his mouth. even a momentary press back against his, which concludes in rin trying to chase the feeling. chase that mouth that feels somehow familiar and yet--
it's glaringly obvious when his eyes slip open the kind of mistake he's made. that senpai rips him right out of it, and rin is frozen in place, mouth hovering mere centimeters from ai's mouth. unfortunately, ai's conclusion is a solid one. that's not something that would spill from haru's mouth, in any sick fantasy or otherwise.
rin swallows heavily, fingers only tightening further in ai's shirt. maintaining that point of contact, because god does he hate himself right about now??? he learned about ai's (and in turn sousuke's) feelings, and just decides to do this?? what the fuck is the matter with him?
but... there's something a little deeper going on. that stupid, festering and glaringly disgusting prospect all planted by mikhail. rin. thinks about something for a minute. because he doesn't think rationally at any point, and he swears that ai leaned back into it. maybe this is just mutually beneficial. he's stupid, he's not thinking but--]
...sorry.
[he manages to stutter out, dragging his tongue over his lips. ever since yesterday, he's been mingling in misery, mixed with anxiety and whatever the hell else is going on in his head. only intensified by his exhaustion and whatever the hell just happened on this couch.
it would be so easy to call haru, wouldn't it...? get this out of his system?
but with a panic rin settles on not wanting haru to know the full story. the stupid reporters. mikhail's derogatory comments about ai, like this wasn't a possibility. that last one especiallu surges something bubbling in him, doesn't it? rin is torn between five different places, every little seam in him cracking under the pressure. he doesn't even know what haru wants anymore. hand holding and forehead brushes don't always mean something...right?
rin bites his lip. and stupidity takes over, as he shoves their mouths together again]
[Would that he was a stronger man. Bigger, taller. More athletically inclined. Maybe then he could have been someone Rin could actually look in the eye. And maybe then he could have the conviction and wherewithal to have push Rin off two minutes earlier, before it reached this point.
Because it's different from last time. Last time, he erroneously thought he had a chance. Thought he could be the light through murky waters, leading Rin home. He paid the price for his folly, and had told himself, had spilled so many tears promising himself no more. This time? That veneer is gone. He knows Rin is looking through him; knows that Rin knows Rin's looking through him. Ai doesn't believe for a second that Rin's complicated feelings have morphed anywhere near his favour in the past two hours-or-so since their last argument.
Best friend. Even that, Ai thinks, was given as a platitude. Do best friends crash their lips together? Do they wear markings on national stages like sick pageantry? Do they fuck and cry and scream and seem to leave messes in their wake?
He told himself he would never. He would never. And yet still, Rin's hollow apology is in one ear out the other, and the way a small, involuntary noise squeaks out from the back of Ai's throat at that horrifically warm feeling of Rin's lips against his threatens to undo his carefully crafted conviction.
Both of his hands come to Rin's jaw; Ai surges forward, locks their lips in a stagger. Kisses him so fucking desperately. And then as if his mind is battling with itself and testing the very rudiments of his tenacity and self-control, Ai yanks Rin's head back. Enough to look him in the eye, preemptively show Rin how easy it'd be to fold, but how Ai is trying to scrounge every ounce of wherewithal in himself not to. Because he knows it's the better choice to make. Nothing good happens if we do this.
His lips tug into a grimace, sick with himself.]
If you can't look me in the eye and see me, we aren't doing this. [Such a strong and finite gotcha from someone who can't pull his hands back. It is as if putting the ball in Rin's court makes it easier to accept the consequences no matter which way it shakes out: heartbreak now, or heartbreak later.]
[best friends can do whatever the hell they want. even if it's not necessarily the smartest choice.
because ai is surging back to meet him, and rin can't stop himself. it's gross and wrong, and he keeps taking and taking and taking. ai is doing the same, instigated this more heated thing to begin with. but that little inkling in the back of rin's mind screams at him that he's doing that because of his feelings for you you fucking idiot but selfishness outweighs and rin thinks that if ai truly doesn't want this... he'll say so.
right?
but in the blink of an eye, it's over again. breaths mingling as they. slip out labored into the room. there's some sort of twisted look in ai's mind, coupled with the pursing of his lips. rin's features drop for a moment, and he's about to crawl back, retreat into whatever hole he crawled out of because--
if you can't look me in the eye, and see me, we aren't doing this.
and rin's eyes widen, his lips faltering momentarily. that's not the reaction he's expecting. not by a long shot. but maybe ai is more stubbornly determined than rin gives him credit for, and so rin bites back, right against ai's mouth without kissing. all while maintaining a press of foreheads that feels too soft for something like all of this]
I see you.
[before he yanks on ai's shirt, and plunges his tongue past his lips once more. he hates himself. he knows there will be something from this. but he's too desperate for something to rationalize that bitter reality right now. doesn't want to think of what haru or sousuke would say if they knew what was going on right now]
[They've both seemingly made their bed. Ai supposes it's now their to lay in.
Because its only after Rin's tongue is half-way down his throat that Ai asks himself, with the frayed remnants of his coherency and self-preservation, which is worse? Rin doing this and not seeing Ai for who he is? Or Rin doing this and seeing Ai for who he is, knowing what he knows, and pushing forward anyway?
What does it say about Ai? That he can't pull Rin out of ruts, can't fix his problems-- can't swim the fastest relay with him, can't accompany him to figure out dreams, can't get his letters, that no matter how hard he tries for years and years and years that the best he can manage is a clean futon on a good day and something to fuck on a bad day?
If he thinks too hard on the implications of Rin choosing to still go forward with this, the implications of letting him, Ai might be the one to bolt for the door. And so suddenly Rin isn't the only one in the room seeking out heated lips and wet tongues and hot breaths as a means of silencing the tempest that whips his thoughts into disarray.
He hates, loathes how his heart throttles itself in his chest. I see you. Isn't delusional enough to believe it's something it isn't, yet all the same, it undoes him so thoroughly it'd be impressive to someone who cared to notice.
His eyebrows knit; one arm wraps strongly around Rin's shoulders, tangling a hand in his hair. The other remains steadfast on his jaw, keeping him close. Sucks Rin's tongue into his mouth and against his own; lightly drags teeth against his bottom lip. There is a notable heat and desperation here that had not been there last time. The veneer is gone, after all; there's nothing left to hide anymore.]
[deep down, rin feels those familiar tinges of disgust. that he's a bad person, only fueling the intense hatred he feels for himself. fucking something up in his sleep is one thing. fucking the same thing up in his waking self is something else entirely.
he shouldn't rationalize this as something they both want, or need. because of course ai wants and needs this with rin, there's feelings there. and how long have those feelings been prevalent in his life? rin tries to push it aside, once again trying to rationalize it as well if he really doesn't want it, he'll stop me as ai sucks his tongue past his lips. and rin shivers.
and the kissing goes on.
and on.
and on...
rin's lost track of time. he can feel the burn in his lungs. but ai is still keeping rin fastened close to him, mouth unrelenting, arm tight around his shoulders. with a shudder, he finally amps himself into pulling away, breathing hot and heavy from the intensity of it.
it's one thing to fuck without feeling. it's another thing entirely to be more than dimly aware of those person's feelings and still go through with it. rin's throat works around nothing as he still tries to regain himself. his eyes lidded, and his breathing ragged. he's momentarily captured by the kiss swollen part of ai's lips. deep down, rin knows this isn't the way to deal with mikhail's misplaced words about his nephew.
or at least rin tries to rationalize it that way. rationalize it every which way. they need this or i'm not actually back together with that guy, right? i need something. but with that last thought, something jolts in him. because... doesn't ai need something out of this in turn?
rin feels that inner well of disgust again, pausing to wipe his mouth with the back of his hand. and decidedly blurts out, albeit rather out of place but appropriate all the same]
That of all things tells Ai that Rin's put them on a timer.
He just doesn't expect it so soon. Somewhere between their hot breaths, Rin's sinful teeth, the uncomfortable peace they had found themselves in just before, Ai had been lulled into a false sense of security. Lulled into it feeling right. By no means was he delusional enough to think it meant something, but. It was hardly what it had been the first time; Ai thinks, for the first act, Rin had been telling the truth. I see you.
Then he's pulling away, and the gaze he levels on Ai trips the rhythm of his pulse, and every off-beat thump echoes between his ears uncomfortably louder than the last.
It's the sincerity that kills him. The consideration. When he could pretend he was doing Rin a favour, it was easier. Ai was so used to wishing he could care a little less; it's the first time in recent memory he can recall wishing Rin cared a little less.
A veritable play dances across his countenance. A mild shock; a resignation, a sour one. A reckoning. A sadness paints his expression last; this is where he tilts his head down, turns his cheek away. Wrings his eyes shut.
A second resignation, because Ai is thoroughly incapable of lying. His expression is twisted, and the smile he wears is miles away and insincere, but he still doesn't have it in him to let Rin see him so low.]
Of course I do.
[But his tone is apologetic. Because he's painfully aware of how much easier it'd all be if he'd just-- been a little different. Kept his mouth shut. Rin wouldn't be asking questions. Maybe he wouldn't be on top of Ai at all. Because a couple of years ago his reply would have been an eager You give up too easily, senpai, but his chest has been laid bare for just a touch too long and he's grown uncharacteristically protective of what little remains inside of it--]
But you don't, do you?
[A part of him was at peace doing Rin a favour. A part of him could make peace with a half-measure. But Rin's hesitance is enough for Ai; tells him all of it without saying much at all. His apologetic smile wipes away. Because by all accounts, it sounded like Rin was looking for an out, and there was only one other person in the room who could find it for him.
Keeping his head turned away, Ai leans his torso up and off the couch, steadying his weight on one of his elbows; his other hand comes to Rin's shoulder, keeping a feeble arm's length.]
it's surprising that moment wasn't the one they so famously have to keep reflecting on. the thing that keeps defining their relationship going forward, and how it shapes and twists with the others around them. how it even goes so far as to shape their professional future, if those reporters had anything to say about it...
that hand on his shoulder feels like rejection. and logically, rin knows it's the only right outcome in all of this. in all of his selfish and greedy molding of their relationship over the last few months, this is the way it has to happen. even if something in him feels absolutely gutted at those words.
we can stop. it's okay.
not we should stop. not we have to stop. something so much simpler than that. we can, and it's okay. rin's teeth sink into his lip. because he watched it all play out over ai's face, the way he tilted his head away and squeezed his eyes shut. like there was some physical agony to all of this.
...just how stupid was rin?
of course it hurt. for ai, this was probably pure agony. of course i do. of course ai fucking wanted this, would probably have been willing to suffer through all of this for something he deemed necessary for rin to get over all of this. his fingers dug into ai's shirt, something less restrained and intimate than before. it was downright agonizing in the way it sounded in the quiet of this little small world they've built for themselves.
maybe rin finally did it. maybe he finally let ai down.
it takes everything in rin to not burst into tears on the spot. all his own shit, he was just putting right back into ai's court. making it his problem too, making him deal with it. what does rin want? what shade of blue is rin after in all of this?]
...you're right.
[it's all he can settle on, as he pushes himself up, kneeling over ai]
He expected something bombastic-- again. At being told there were better decisions to make. At being more or less rejected. At having that which Ai tries so fucking hard to hide slip through for a moment, saddling Rin with a righteous guilt. But what Ai gets is worse than that. It isn't even apathy; he wishes Rin had gotten angry. Wishes, too, he'd grown apathetic.
Instead it's that. A response so vague and uncertain that it does something horrible, terrible, and deplorable to Ai: breathes hope into his lungs. Because as far as Ai was concerned, wasn't what Rin wanted crystal clear?
He tries to kill it as quickly as it's birthed; an abortion of eggshell spattered on pavement before it ever has a chance to grow wings and fly. Because Ai bought into the guise last time and tried taking a leap, and instead found himself crashing back to planet earth. He would not, could not make the same mistake twice. His stupid, stupid, weak, useless heart couldn't take it.
I'm so selfish.
If he dares look back at Rin-- now up at Rin, Ai is somewhat surprised by the forlorn look across his face. Would have expected to see something angrier. Ai finds himself staring, trying to dissect it and make sense of it all; with a blink that threatens to be wet, he looks away again. Relents back down onto the couch; there was enough room now that he didn't fear doing something rash. His heart is threatening to throb straight out of his ribcage; Ai wants nothing more than to try and stay the feeling, but doesn't want to give Rin too much to read into either. Rather than twisting uncomfortably into his left breast, Ai's palm smooths up and down his clavicle.
And he thinks. God, he misses Rin's lips. Didn't want to have to make peace a second time with saying good-bye to them. Weren't they supposed to swim? Didn't he owe his uncle a phone call? If he just leaned down now, we could worry about it all later-- no. No!! Enough!!
Ai thinks harder. Then looks up at Rin, resignation and concern both dressing his expression in equal measure.]
Please don't misunderstand me, [he starts boldly. Pauses to keep trying and draw that courage up from his gut.] It isn't that... Rather, I'm not...
...
[He can't do it. Can't even vaguely address it as part of a bigger query. It's the equivalent of spending hours on mountain roads to avoid a single toll. So he tries again,]
Whatever you do-- whatever we do, I just don't want you to feel guilty. That's all. [His voice grows quieter, less for intimacy's sake and more because he feels ashamed at just how much runway he freely gives to Rin, when he knows it's dangerous for them both. But even now, even when he puts his feelings aside, even still, it feels like the right choice.]
I can't stand knowing I'm the reason you're looking at me like that. I'll do whatever it takes to fix it.
[and maybe there's a tremor of that old, famous temper of his finally snaking its way through. his eyes narrow down at ai. it's...admirable that ai is only putting rin's guilt above everything else. but that's a lost cause. because there's nothing in this world rin doesn't feel guilt over.
life happened. no, he happened and put those big dreams of his dad on hold. permanently.
he's put his and ai's careers in jeapordy, probably mikhail's and haru's too with all of this shit. ikuya possibly? if rin wasn't so fucking handsy, if rin could learn to keep it in his pants. that's the stark reality of the situation. it's not ai making rin look at him like that.
it's rin.
he sucks in a breath through his teeth, and begins to crawl down the length of ai's body, dragging his pants down with him. he exhales, his brows furrowing as he presses his nose into the divet of ai's hip]
You're not.
[rin states simply, pressing his lips against that spot on his hip, slowly sucking the skin past his lips. it's easier this way. giving him something to focus on. maybe he really is a slut. wouldn't it be easier to go bounce to the pool? pick open a book to flip through? watch whatever slew of videos is stacking up in his messages from natsuya? yeah, but. it feels impersonal.
and this is something good he can do for someone. make someone feel good for all his transgressions. rin's nails skate along ai's thighs, as he pulls his pants down, continuing to lap and suck at any piece of available skin that he's able. his intention is clear. and his free hand grabs ai's wrist, dragging it against his scalp]
[He had felt it back then, too. The sudden flipped switch in Rin's brain; Ai swears he can see it happen, the moment his mind flies somewhere else and an unusual darkness settles over his countenance. Wonders what he could have said, could have done to put Rin in that place. They had been just fine a minute ago. What happened?
It's the easy way to try and handle it. Assume guilt. Assume responsibility. That meant Ai could maintain a semblance of control; unfortunately, it's only going to lead him to dead ends. Once upon a time he would have considered himself and Rin mirrors of one another, intrinsically connected by words unspoken that laid their inner machinations plain between the margins. Painful self-actualization of not being good enough, never being good enough. Simply being born wrong and having to live with that, every single day. Ai's only ever pointed inwards; Rin's, sometimes, infrequently but enough for Ai to notice, points outward.
It didn't have to be like this.]
R--, [he starts, and stops, because for the first time in a while, he cannot even begin to guess at where Rin's mind has gone. Where it concerned sex, Ai figured it to be Rin outrunning the obvious. But... Ai's intuition right then says otherwise. Because the look in Rin's eyes, beyond the murky darkness, is guilt. Plain as day. Ai assumed he himself had put it there; had laid the groundwork for Rin to make mistakes. The logical thing would be to not indulge in the very thing that started it all, yet with sudden alacrity, Ai's thighs meet the cool air of his studio apartment, and the way Rin sucks at his skin there wipes Ai's mind clean-slate white.]
Rin-senpai, [comes a rattled, whispered chide. As if trying one last time to convince Rin, certainly not himself, that this wasn't necessary. If you can't see me-- but by god, it is hard to ignore the way his soft dick immediately begins to pulse to life the darker the bruises grows under Rin's voracious lips. Ai throws his head to the side, presses the side of his knuckles to his mouth, wrings his eyes shut. His hand is already half-way to Rin's head before Rin drags it the remainder of the distance into his hair; Ai needs zero coaxing to grab beautiful long strands, bucking his hips up urgently against Rin.
Sense is gone. This they had in common: falling slave to the ghost of hunger. What was one more mistake made in this apartment, anyway? Ai knows he can just pick up the pieces later, as he always does.]
[sex isn't always a means of escape. but it can be, even more than some means to an end.
and rin doesn't have to listen hard to hear the way his name and that familiar title trickles from ai's lips. it's ragged, almost as though he's trying to convince rin to not do it. and if rin were someone more sane, someone with less baggage and desire to prove himself worthy? he might have listened.
but as it is he doesn't and nuzzles the side of ai's dick, already so hot and hard and-- rin makes a noise against his shaft, dragging his lips along the length. it doesn't matter. because it's something he knows he's good at. just like every other time. his stupid mouth is for more than fighting and cursing and ruining everything around him.
his tongue swirls around the base, before dragging back up and he wraps his lips around the head of ai's dick. letting it linger in the heat of his mouth for a moment, while his hand slowly begins to work the rest of him to full hardness. rin pulls his mouth back, letting his tongue lavish the tip of ai's dick again. he pulls back entirely, making a show of dragging his tongue across his mouth.
it's something. it's not everything he wants (he can't have) but it's something to settle this tension that's been boiling and simmering between them for god know's how long. rin tries to once again push those looks and questions--sousuke's especially (and the stern look)--before he continues the motions, tipping his head up into ai's grip with a soft noise]
[When one intends to escape, and one tries so desperately to stay, chase is inevitable. Maybe that was their destiny, a weirdly coherent thought to have seconds before Rin's eager, lascivious lips rip his mind and heart both back to reality, where warmth he had written off as a bygone crashes over him all at once, and Ai's reaction is immediate and far, far more animated and present than it had been the first time they did this.
One of his legs is bent at the knee, pressed to the back of the couch; the other slides off the couch, tip of his toes digging into a rough ledge near the bottom of the couch's architecture for purchase. Already, he's bucking his hips up and off the cushion, as if he might be able to chase the sinful warmth of Rin's tongue; as if he could communicate his want, louder than he ever has before. There's nothing left to hide, after all.
Already, small patches of yellow and purple blossom around his pelvis; Ai's eyes take it all in in an instant, as Rin licks his lips, hungry. It quickly pins itself as a potent mental image to store for later; at present, it makes Ai toss his head back against the arm rest, and makes his knuckles go white in Rin's hair.
Fully hard, every ministration immediately sends dull shockwaves throughout his body. Ai was sensitive; unlike Rin, he hasn't had the wherewithal to shirk his shame and self-loathing long enough to jerk off in his shower. Not with Rin there, who unfortunately also occupied his mind at those lower moments. Fully pent up since last they erroneously came together.]
[and so he swallows him down, taking in every inch. this is exactly how rin wants it--wanted it--last time. so he relishes in the bucking hips, tightening fingers death gripping his hair, cutting off his oxygen every now and again, feeling the burn in his scalp.
it makes him feel something. and that's really what he wants most of all.
he adjusts himself so ai can fuck into his mouth better, tipping towards to scrape his damn tonsils. he keeps his tongue pressed on the bottom of ai's length, letting loose a soft groan that surely vibrates up his length. the praise doing him in equally. it's stupid to be equated to things in life. good at this or that. maybe that's why haru threw such a tantrum over it their last year of school.
but equally, rin knows this is a stupid talent to have. and so he wants to use it to make himself matter somehow in the grand scheme of things. like this will fix everything somehow. or at least just give him some use in life, and fill that emptiness with something. he doesn't know anymore. he doesn't care. he just continues to put his money where his mouth is, one hand gripping ai's thigh with a bruising grip to add onto the sensations]
[What was to feel, anyway? Ai's been through this routine countless times. Chasing a high in pursuit of safety from something else. Once the fog clears, the yawning, beckoning emptiness always follows. It is why he and Sousuke stopped their arrangement some years ago; it's why Ai promised himself never to do this again with Rin.
And yet, the body was a funny, impressionable thing. And the head too full of hope to bother giving protest.
Feeling good, now was apparently more than worth his pursuit. And easily given at that; every bob of Rin's head, every subtle roll of Ai's hips up into that impossibly warm and wet heat, Ai feels the coil in his gut grow tighter, threatening to snap. It's been a long while since he's found himself so without his wits - so close to the precipice so soon.
Unlike last time, there is no precognition in Ai's mind of what this was supposed to be; no silently attempting to fill shoes Rin never asked him to fill. Ai isn't so sure what is going through Rin's head, but Ai at the very least doesn't feel an impetus to over-present. This was enough, whatever this was.]
Senpai--
[Ask him later, and he won't be proud of the way he thrusts his hips upward in a sharp buck down Rin's throat as he comes, an airy and lilted gasp on his lips as his warm spend coats the very back of Rin's tongue. Faintly, Ai holds Rin's hair tighter, neglecting him the chance to pull back-- because faintly, Ai recalls Rin likes it this way. There's a subtle tremble in his breath as his body stops pulsating; hips fall back down onto the couch, dislodged from Rin. His hand in Rin's hair goes soft, his touch unusually sentimental; his thumb brushes back and forth over the crown of his head.
Doesn't want to look down. Can't. Doesn't want the visual confirmation it's already over. He sucks in a breath, gathering his wherewithal.]
Are you...? [It's difficult to tell, whether or not Rin's grown hard. Or even has an interest? Ai feels shameful to even ask, but was famously bad at staying his tongue, and post-coital lucidity isn't helping,] Is there anything that I--?
[the senpai is enough to make him remember exactly what this is, in turn.
and he dutifully takes what ai has to offer. under no pretenses over what this could transpire to be, or... rather, there's no cruelly aimed words and jeers to try to push ai into territory he clearly wasn't comfortable with. at least rin can shield himself under whatever the hell this is. all while he reaches behind ai to push his hips up, all while his head is held down to take it all in.
right. at least he's still got it. making people feel something other than lower than dirt.
rin swallows it all down, easily, eyes scrunching up as the back of his throat feels raw. but it's something, right? better than the ache that was swirling in his gut and chest. ai ventures a little deeper, touches turning lighter (that's normal, rin tries to tell himself. it's normal for people not to toss you to the dumpster after sex) but he tries not to cringe under the gentle ministrations nevertheless.
he doesn't deserve it, after all. and when rin pulls away from ai's softening cock, he knows exactly what it will entail. and ai follows the script perfectly, asking if he can touch him back. is there anything ai can do at this point? rin doesn't even feel turned on, just selfishly pursuing something that might make another feel better than he does. he bites his lip, pulling back a bit. does stress give you whiskey dick? probably. it's a bit embarrassing if anything else, and he lets his gaze fall to the floor]
[It fumbles off his lips too damn fast. Too damn insistently. As if trying to outrun the obvious, in all the same ways Rin was outrunning something, too. Because he saw Ai, but did he really? What was the point of all of this if Ai couldn't help him take the edge off? It's ten times worse if it's just me. Like he's throwing me a bone. A pittance, a distraction.
Ai needs to learn that where it concerns Rin, close to nothing is ever going to go as expected. It didn't the first year they knew each other, and it certainly won't now, where bad decision after bad decision after mistake after mistake has forced the two of them to compound into something unrecognizable.
Maybe it's easier this way, after all. Last time, Rin ran away. This time, he's shackled, and as far as Ai can tell, is begging Ai not to eat him alive.
The weight in his chest hangs so familiarly heavy, and Ai smiles in that simpering, rueful way of his. Shifts back just a little on the couch, enough to try and weasel his hands between their bodies so as to try and make himself decent again, haphazardly pulling up at his pants.]
... Ah, no. Like this, it's fine. [Flashes his eyes up at Rin just for a half-second, before ashamedly looking away.] Consider it an I-owe-you, then. Because you did me a favour. I'll feel bad if I can't somehow pay it back. [He forces that smile again, finally decent, and once again resigns himself to being stiff liquid against the arm rest.] No expiration date.
what favor would he even ask for? something with no expiration date? it would be easy to settle into something more obvious. a sexually gratuitous favor or perhaps another dicking against the futon. it's not like it doesn't cross his mind for a moment. but...
no. he doesn't want it. not like that.
in fact, he bites his lip at the prospect. like ai owes him anything at all. he scoffs, and pulls back, leaning all his weight against his hands pressed into the couch cushions behind him]
You don't owe me anything you know. Fuck.
[it's spat out, though lacking in any real heat as rin just rolls his shoulder and neck, closing his eyes with a huff and gritted teeth]
I did it because I wanted to. Better not hear about you giving out favors just because someone blew you. I'll kick your fucking ass.
[now that sounds and feels like the old rin. he stares pointedly between them, watching ai pull up his pants wordlessly for a moment. but then, sometimes comes to him and...]
Fine. Wanna know what I want?
[rin fists the front of ai's shirt, dragging him closer, accentuating every single syllable just so ai gets it through his thick head]
Sleep this off. Get to training camp. Show the fucking world, those reporters--everyone--what the fuck you're made of.
[You don't owe me anything you know. Fuck.] I know that-- [... ... I'll kick your fucking ass.] -- Who else would I possibly offer such a thing!
[He'd continue arguing, because really, the part of him he keeps so staunchly hidden is so interconnected with greater parts of him that it neglects the opportunity for Rin to see him fully. To see how Ai so selflessly and brazenly and enthusiastically wants to be present for him, thick and thin, highs and lows. How painstakingly devoted he is to their friendship and ensuring it lasts, no matter what, because it's precious to him. How willing he is to weather Rin's moods and brash behaviours because at this point, Ai has seen it all, including the parts of Rin that can be proud and bombastic and romantic and capable, who knows how to make mistakes, apologize, and move on. How much blood, sweat, and tears he puts into reforming himself, over and over, in order to be someone he can say he's proud of, all because Rin gave him something to work toward.
Except Rin's fisting the front of his shirt, and for a second, just a second, there is a flash of panic over Ai's countenance. There and gone. Still, he listens.
How small their problems were. So much of what I do is meaningless, in the end.
Ai grabs Rin's wrist and tries to tear it off from himself.]
I never once doubted what I can do. Not on this stage. Not with you.
[If Rin's released him, Ai's trying to sit up.]
No matter the circumstances. I didn't push as hard as I did just to stumble because of petty nonsense.
[His eyes feel hot, but he swallows it all down. Rubs the back of his head as if to fluff his hair, and with it his thoughts; jumble them a little to be less linear and coherent. Ai takes a steeling breath.]
[rin doesn't even know what he's talking about anymore. because isn't that an awkward thing to say? he'll kick someone's ass if ai's sleeping with someone else? handing out favors? what is he even saying?
but oh he's done it now. sowing doubt in ai? well, that's impossible actually. because apparently it's impossible to shake ai up like this. because ai is yanking rin's hand off of himself and pushing himself back up. petty nonsense? rin lets his back fall back against the armrest because he's honest to god flabbergasted with what is happening. but finally, he manages to spit back]
Sorry for being fucking, petty nonsense to you. Glad to know where I stand.
[he tears himself off the couch, and storms off to his futon, grabbing his swim bag from his corner and stuffing his goggles back inside as they threaten to slip out. he slings it over his shoulder, and tosses a glare back towards ai]
[Ai's off the couch and standing and about half of the distance toward his corner of the apartment when Rin spews that back at him, which has him turning around, borderline furious, blue eyes ice cold. As if this didn't all begin and start with a reality so starkly different to the accusation presently leveled against him. As if Rin, in any capacity, could ever be petty nonsense--]
You know that isn't what I said. [He has half a mind to stomp up to Rin and cuff him himself, but Ai has always been the bigger man between the two of them. Instead his fist goes white-knuckled at his side, nose wrinkling with his grimace, before choosing instead to let his voice carry behind him as he continues toward his bed,]
You probably wish you were petty nonsense. That'd make it ten times easier for you.
[Doesn't dignify Rin with a right? or isn't that so? because he has it on damn good authority Rin doesn't know how to handle him - barely could before, sure as shit can't now. Oscillated violently between being unable to so much as ruffle Ai's hair to sucking him off. Ai's emotions were too frayed to bother with being sensitive about it anymore; he gathers his sports bag and very nearly shoulders past Rin in his pursuit of the front door.]
all because he tried to slip back into genuinity, spitting out how he really felt about mikhail and ai's own inner doubts about getting so far. but then again, he selfishly stumbled into another matsuoka style fumble, his words and actions pathetically not lining up all while he wallowed in self doubt and pity regarding his own place. he's exhausted, on edge and just messing up everything further for them.
but ai's comeback twists something in him. and he just stares at him, unsure if that's really what he heard come out of his mouth. he has the foresight to at least yank himself out of the way before ai shoulders him into the wall, and rin grits his teeth. his fingers are tight against the strap of his swim bag.
it's tempting to say fuck it, and not even go. he could argue his leg still hurts, but really it's the back of his throat and chest that ache more than anything. and so rin stubbornly shoves past ai outside the front door, stalking off to the path he's treaded a million times before towards the pool. he refuses to dignify ai with a response. terrified if he does no good can come of it.
then again, it already feels like they're at the lowest. would it really matter?]
[It is a painfully awkward, quiet, tense walk to the natatorium.
Because Ai plays their argument over and over in his head, plays the moments leading up to it over and over. Their afternoon. Their morning. The day before. All of it, one frustratingly errant note after the other.
You probably wish you were petty nonsense. That'd make it ten times easier for you.
This, too, he plays over and over. Because even now, as his head begins to cool with the early evening air, Ai can't find it in himself to say he's wrong. So much of all of this would be so much simpler if Rin meant a little less to him. There'd be no complications around the first time they hooked up. There'd be no fanfare around the markings on their necks. There'd be no fallout. There'd be no anguish at being left alone at his lowest. There'd be no upset at not being able to reciprocate. There'd be no misstep after misstep after misstep. If Ai could do Rin the favour of only considering him petty nonsense and not holistically and singularly the most important person in his life, so much would be easier. So much may not have happened at all.
It isn't as if he meant Rin, anyway. I didn't push as hard as I did just to stumble because of petty nonsense. Ai's petty nonsense was that which he still tried to keep under tight lock and key. Funny how even now, spoken by another name, it has a way of colossally fucking things up when invoked. He'd tried to set the record straight, hold Rin accountable for willfully misinterpreting him, but. Then Ai took it just a step too far, because the depths of his hurt seem not to have limits. A near-constant swell of rejection and frustration and ineptitude. Somewhere well ahead of Rin, Ai's sniffing, rubbing furiously at his face before walking even faster-
You're my best friend, and I...
... Slowly, Ai's pace slows down. And slower still. Enough such that Rin would easily be able to close the gap.]
[has there ever been such an awkward walk between them?
not that rin isn't constantly checking over his shoulder and around them for. obvious reasons. journalist related reasons, because the last thing he needs is one of their fights becoming yet another fucking public spectacle. he's still waiting for that other shoe to drop anyways, trying to follow mikhail's advice, still twisting over ponderings in his head that might work, even though he hasn't solidified one yet...
but ai begins to slow.
and rin scowls, shifting his bag, trying to slow his pace in turn. his throat is still sore, and he can still taste ai in his mouth. and somehow...
but then he can tell the tears that are coming down. and rin overtakes ai for a moment, fingers tight on the strap of his duffel. agonizingly so, white knuckled in its intensity. he bites his lip, staring at the gym not far ahead of them. but then twists his head to look over his shoulder, and. well. he casts another glance around, nobody's around thank god.
so rin sighs and digs his heel into the pavement for a moment. all before he turns on said heel and awkwardly stands in front of ai, not quite looking at him. the words still sting. but he knows he's a hypocrite, and has said plenty of nasty shit in turn. it's well deserved. but it shouldn't be making ai so miserable either. fuck]
...maybe we should just go home.
[he bites out, his lips twisting a bit as he tries not to look at the way ai is scrubbing at his face]
Pool's not going anywhere.
[there's another offer on his tongue though. and he feels for his phone in his pocket, thumb brushing across the screen. or i can piss off and give you your space]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2025-09-14 10:31 pm (UTC)similarly, Rin is completely oblivious to the happenings around him. Not the way Ai’s heart picks up, not the way Ai tucks Rin underneath his chin. Arms around him. It puts that dreamscape somewhere else.
that lull is transformed to somewhere in his head. somewhere where sky blue morphs into something else. Something cooler, and familiar.
the hand brushing up his spine, up and down so methodically puts him somewhere else. It pulls some noise out of him, and in his haze he thinks he’s somewhere else. Sleep addled, and riding the high of the stressors and ups and downs of the last few days, weeks, whatever…
he’s not awake. Not really at least when he blearily brings his head up to cover ai’s mouth with his own.
fingers tight on ai’s shirt, digging in. eyes still not open, dimly reminiscent of other things. Who’s to say what though]
no subject
Date: 2025-09-14 10:48 pm (UTC)There's a panic at first. Rin's face inching closer until all of Ai's periphery is shadow and blood red. Shocked into a frozen stasis, because what the fuck is he supposed to do?
Never mind the way the coals in the absolute pit of his stomach suddenly roar with a fire, licking at his spine and his extremities. It burns, hot and painful.
Every pathetic ounce of him wants to make the same mistake twice. To lead Rin deeper; to pull the wool over his own eyes. Pretend as if this could be anything other than what Ai knows, what he knows it is. How much easier it'd be if he cared just a little less; would let him do what he wanted, seek the peace he needed. Unfortunately, Ai was in far too deep to let both himself and Rin toe against lines they both know shouldn't be crossed.
... Doesn't stop him from leaning into it, though. Just a little bit. A hand coming to Rin's jaw, far too sweet. Parting from him with a nip to Rin's bottom lip, as if once again trying to commit the feeling to memory like he had last time, because this time for sure it'll be the last.
Opens his mouth to speak. Nothing comes, and his eyes burn bad. Rakes in a shaky breath, lets it coalesce in his chest as something stronger, and then exhales it frustratedly from his nose.
The worst part is how warm Rin is. And soft. How real. How if Ai closed his eyes and put his mind somewhere else entirely, he might be able to believe for a second that this is the sort of tender, languid want they could have had if he'd been bolder, earlier. If he'd been someone better. The worst part is how it's all he's imagined, kept stalwartly locked in his chest and mind's eye, and how he knows not a single ounce of it is meant for him.
Ai's hand drops to Rin's shoulder and shakes him gently, bracing himself for what he surmises will be an inevitable freakout.]
Senpai, [he calls louder, not even using Rin's name. A specific choice, because Ai knows Nanase has no reason to call Rin by the honourific; it's the quickest way to pull him out of where Ai knows Rin's escaped to. I'm sorry.] Please wake up.
no subject
Date: 2025-09-15 02:25 am (UTC)but through one glaringly obvious one, rin can feel the warmth on his mouth. even a momentary press back against his, which concludes in rin trying to chase the feeling. chase that mouth that feels somehow familiar and yet--
it's glaringly obvious when his eyes slip open the kind of mistake he's made. that senpai rips him right out of it, and rin is frozen in place, mouth hovering mere centimeters from ai's mouth. unfortunately, ai's conclusion is a solid one. that's not something that would spill from haru's mouth, in any sick fantasy or otherwise.
rin swallows heavily, fingers only tightening further in ai's shirt. maintaining that point of contact, because god does he hate himself right about now??? he learned about ai's (and in turn sousuke's) feelings, and just decides to do this?? what the fuck is the matter with him?
but... there's something a little deeper going on. that stupid, festering and glaringly disgusting prospect all planted by mikhail. rin. thinks about something for a minute. because he doesn't think rationally at any point, and he swears that ai leaned back into it. maybe this is just mutually beneficial. he's stupid, he's not thinking but--]
...sorry.
[he manages to stutter out, dragging his tongue over his lips. ever since yesterday, he's been mingling in misery, mixed with anxiety and whatever the hell else is going on in his head. only intensified by his exhaustion and whatever the hell just happened on this couch.
it would be so easy to call haru, wouldn't it...? get this out of his system?
but with a panic rin settles on not wanting haru to know the full story. the stupid reporters. mikhail's derogatory comments about ai, like this wasn't a possibility. that last one especiallu surges something bubbling in him, doesn't it? rin is torn between five different places, every little seam in him cracking under the pressure. he doesn't even know what haru wants anymore. hand holding and forehead brushes don't always mean something...right?
rin bites his lip. and stupidity takes over, as he shoves their mouths together again]
no subject
Date: 2025-09-15 02:43 am (UTC)Because it's different from last time. Last time, he erroneously thought he had a chance. Thought he could be the light through murky waters, leading Rin home. He paid the price for his folly, and had told himself, had spilled so many tears promising himself no more. This time? That veneer is gone. He knows Rin is looking through him; knows that Rin knows Rin's looking through him. Ai doesn't believe for a second that Rin's complicated feelings have morphed anywhere near his favour in the past two hours-or-so since their last argument.
Best friend. Even that, Ai thinks, was given as a platitude. Do best friends crash their lips together? Do they wear markings on national stages like sick pageantry? Do they fuck and cry and scream and seem to leave messes in their wake?
He told himself he would never. He would never. And yet still, Rin's hollow apology is in one ear out the other, and the way a small, involuntary noise squeaks out from the back of Ai's throat at that horrifically warm feeling of Rin's lips against his threatens to undo his carefully crafted conviction.
Both of his hands come to Rin's jaw; Ai surges forward, locks their lips in a stagger. Kisses him so fucking desperately. And then as if his mind is battling with itself and testing the very rudiments of his tenacity and self-control, Ai yanks Rin's head back. Enough to look him in the eye, preemptively show Rin how easy it'd be to fold, but how Ai is trying to scrounge every ounce of wherewithal in himself not to. Because he knows it's the better choice to make. Nothing good happens if we do this.
His lips tug into a grimace, sick with himself.]
If you can't look me in the eye and see me, we aren't doing this. [Such a strong and finite gotcha from someone who can't pull his hands back. It is as if putting the ball in Rin's court makes it easier to accept the consequences no matter which way it shakes out: heartbreak now, or heartbreak later.]
no subject
Date: 2025-09-15 03:21 am (UTC)because ai is surging back to meet him, and rin can't stop himself. it's gross and wrong, and he keeps taking and taking and taking. ai is doing the same, instigated this more heated thing to begin with. but that little inkling in the back of rin's mind screams at him that he's doing that because of his feelings for you you fucking idiot but selfishness outweighs and rin thinks that if ai truly doesn't want this... he'll say so.
right?
but in the blink of an eye, it's over again. breaths mingling as they. slip out labored into the room. there's some sort of twisted look in ai's mind, coupled with the pursing of his lips. rin's features drop for a moment, and he's about to crawl back, retreat into whatever hole he crawled out of because--
if you can't look me in the eye, and see me, we aren't doing this.
and rin's eyes widen, his lips faltering momentarily. that's not the reaction he's expecting. not by a long shot. but maybe ai is more stubbornly determined than rin gives him credit for, and so rin bites back, right against ai's mouth without kissing. all while maintaining a press of foreheads that feels too soft for something like all of this]
I see you.
[before he yanks on ai's shirt, and plunges his tongue past his lips once more. he hates himself. he knows there will be something from this. but he's too desperate for something to rationalize that bitter reality right now. doesn't want to think of what haru or sousuke would say if they knew what was going on right now]
no subject
Date: 2025-09-15 03:37 am (UTC)Because its only after Rin's tongue is half-way down his throat that Ai asks himself, with the frayed remnants of his coherency and self-preservation, which is worse? Rin doing this and not seeing Ai for who he is? Or Rin doing this and seeing Ai for who he is, knowing what he knows, and pushing forward anyway?
What does it say about Ai? That he can't pull Rin out of ruts, can't fix his problems-- can't swim the fastest relay with him, can't accompany him to figure out dreams, can't get his letters, that no matter how hard he tries for years and years and years that the best he can manage is a clean futon on a good day and something to fuck on a bad day?
If he thinks too hard on the implications of Rin choosing to still go forward with this, the implications of letting him, Ai might be the one to bolt for the door. And so suddenly Rin isn't the only one in the room seeking out heated lips and wet tongues and hot breaths as a means of silencing the tempest that whips his thoughts into disarray.
He hates, loathes how his heart throttles itself in his chest. I see you. Isn't delusional enough to believe it's something it isn't, yet all the same, it undoes him so thoroughly it'd be impressive to someone who cared to notice.
His eyebrows knit; one arm wraps strongly around Rin's shoulders, tangling a hand in his hair. The other remains steadfast on his jaw, keeping him close. Sucks Rin's tongue into his mouth and against his own; lightly drags teeth against his bottom lip. There is a notable heat and desperation here that had not been there last time. The veneer is gone, after all; there's nothing left to hide anymore.]
no subject
Date: 2025-09-15 10:41 pm (UTC)he shouldn't rationalize this as something they both want, or need. because of course ai wants and needs this with rin, there's feelings there. and how long have those feelings been prevalent in his life? rin tries to push it aside, once again trying to rationalize it as well if he really doesn't want it, he'll stop me as ai sucks his tongue past his lips. and rin shivers.
and the kissing goes on.
and on.
and on...
rin's lost track of time. he can feel the burn in his lungs. but ai is still keeping rin fastened close to him, mouth unrelenting, arm tight around his shoulders. with a shudder, he finally amps himself into pulling away, breathing hot and heavy from the intensity of it.
it's one thing to fuck without feeling. it's another thing entirely to be more than dimly aware of those person's feelings and still go through with it. rin's throat works around nothing as he still tries to regain himself. his eyes lidded, and his breathing ragged. he's momentarily captured by the kiss swollen part of ai's lips. deep down, rin knows this isn't the way to deal with mikhail's misplaced words about his nephew.
or at least rin tries to rationalize it that way. rationalize it every which way. they need this or i'm not actually back together with that guy, right? i need something. but with that last thought, something jolts in him. because... doesn't ai need something out of this in turn?
rin feels that inner well of disgust again, pausing to wipe his mouth with the back of his hand. and decidedly blurts out, albeit rather out of place but appropriate all the same]
Do you want this?
no subject
Date: 2025-09-15 11:33 pm (UTC)That of all things tells Ai that Rin's put them on a timer.
He just doesn't expect it so soon. Somewhere between their hot breaths, Rin's sinful teeth, the uncomfortable peace they had found themselves in just before, Ai had been lulled into a false sense of security. Lulled into it feeling right. By no means was he delusional enough to think it meant something, but. It was hardly what it had been the first time; Ai thinks, for the first act, Rin had been telling the truth. I see you.
Then he's pulling away, and the gaze he levels on Ai trips the rhythm of his pulse, and every off-beat thump echoes between his ears uncomfortably louder than the last.
It's the sincerity that kills him. The consideration. When he could pretend he was doing Rin a favour, it was easier. Ai was so used to wishing he could care a little less; it's the first time in recent memory he can recall wishing Rin cared a little less.
A veritable play dances across his countenance. A mild shock; a resignation, a sour one. A reckoning. A sadness paints his expression last; this is where he tilts his head down, turns his cheek away. Wrings his eyes shut.
A second resignation, because Ai is thoroughly incapable of lying. His expression is twisted, and the smile he wears is miles away and insincere, but he still doesn't have it in him to let Rin see him so low.]
Of course I do.
[But his tone is apologetic. Because he's painfully aware of how much easier it'd all be if he'd just-- been a little different. Kept his mouth shut. Rin wouldn't be asking questions. Maybe he wouldn't be on top of Ai at all. Because a couple of years ago his reply would have been an eager You give up too easily, senpai, but his chest has been laid bare for just a touch too long and he's grown uncharacteristically protective of what little remains inside of it--]
But you don't, do you?
[A part of him was at peace doing Rin a favour. A part of him could make peace with a half-measure. But Rin's hesitance is enough for Ai; tells him all of it without saying much at all. His apologetic smile wipes away. Because by all accounts, it sounded like Rin was looking for an out, and there was only one other person in the room who could find it for him.
Keeping his head turned away, Ai leans his torso up and off the couch, steadying his weight on one of his elbows; his other hand comes to Rin's shoulder, keeping a feeble arm's length.]
We can stop. It's okay.
no subject
Date: 2025-09-16 11:39 pm (UTC)rin matsuoka has taken things a step too far.
it's surprising that moment wasn't the one they so famously have to keep reflecting on. the thing that keeps defining their relationship going forward, and how it shapes and twists with the others around them. how it even goes so far as to shape their professional future, if those reporters had anything to say about it...
that hand on his shoulder feels like rejection. and logically, rin knows it's the only right outcome in all of this. in all of his selfish and greedy molding of their relationship over the last few months, this is the way it has to happen. even if something in him feels absolutely gutted at those words.
we can stop. it's okay.
not we should stop. not we have to stop. something so much simpler than that. we can, and it's okay. rin's teeth sink into his lip. because he watched it all play out over ai's face, the way he tilted his head away and squeezed his eyes shut. like there was some physical agony to all of this.
...just how stupid was rin?
of course it hurt. for ai, this was probably pure agony. of course i do. of course ai fucking wanted this, would probably have been willing to suffer through all of this for something he deemed necessary for rin to get over all of this. his fingers dug into ai's shirt, something less restrained and intimate than before. it was downright agonizing in the way it sounded in the quiet of this little small world they've built for themselves.
maybe rin finally did it. maybe he finally let ai down.
it takes everything in rin to not burst into tears on the spot. all his own shit, he was just putting right back into ai's court. making it his problem too, making him deal with it. what does rin want? what shade of blue is rin after in all of this?]
...you're right.
[it's all he can settle on, as he pushes himself up, kneeling over ai]
I don't know what I want.
no subject
Date: 2025-09-17 12:02 am (UTC)He expected something bombastic-- again. At being told there were better decisions to make. At being more or less rejected. At having that which Ai tries so fucking hard to hide slip through for a moment, saddling Rin with a righteous guilt. But what Ai gets is worse than that. It isn't even apathy; he wishes Rin had gotten angry. Wishes, too, he'd grown apathetic.
Instead it's that. A response so vague and uncertain that it does something horrible, terrible, and deplorable to Ai: breathes hope into his lungs. Because as far as Ai was concerned, wasn't what Rin wanted crystal clear?
He tries to kill it as quickly as it's birthed; an abortion of eggshell spattered on pavement before it ever has a chance to grow wings and fly. Because Ai bought into the guise last time and tried taking a leap, and instead found himself crashing back to planet earth. He would not, could not make the same mistake twice. His stupid, stupid, weak, useless heart couldn't take it.
I'm so selfish.
If he dares look back at Rin-- now up at Rin, Ai is somewhat surprised by the forlorn look across his face. Would have expected to see something angrier. Ai finds himself staring, trying to dissect it and make sense of it all; with a blink that threatens to be wet, he looks away again. Relents back down onto the couch; there was enough room now that he didn't fear doing something rash. His heart is threatening to throb straight out of his ribcage; Ai wants nothing more than to try and stay the feeling, but doesn't want to give Rin too much to read into either. Rather than twisting uncomfortably into his left breast, Ai's palm smooths up and down his clavicle.
And he thinks. God, he misses Rin's lips. Didn't want to have to make peace a second time with saying good-bye to them. Weren't they supposed to swim? Didn't he owe his uncle a phone call? If he just leaned down now, we could worry about it all later-- no. No!! Enough!!
Ai thinks harder. Then looks up at Rin, resignation and concern both dressing his expression in equal measure.]
Please don't misunderstand me, [he starts boldly. Pauses to keep trying and draw that courage up from his gut.] It isn't that... Rather, I'm not...
...
[He can't do it. Can't even vaguely address it as part of a bigger query. It's the equivalent of spending hours on mountain roads to avoid a single toll. So he tries again,]
Whatever you do-- whatever we do, I just don't want you to feel guilty. That's all. [His voice grows quieter, less for intimacy's sake and more because he feels ashamed at just how much runway he freely gives to Rin, when he knows it's dangerous for them both. But even now, even when he puts his feelings aside, even still, it feels like the right choice.]
I can't stand knowing I'm the reason you're looking at me like that. I'll do whatever it takes to fix it.
no subject
Date: 2025-09-18 02:48 am (UTC)life happened. no, he happened and put those big dreams of his dad on hold. permanently.
he's put his and ai's careers in jeapordy, probably mikhail's and haru's too with all of this shit. ikuya possibly? if rin wasn't so fucking handsy, if rin could learn to keep it in his pants. that's the stark reality of the situation. it's not ai making rin look at him like that.
it's rin.
he sucks in a breath through his teeth, and begins to crawl down the length of ai's body, dragging his pants down with him. he exhales, his brows furrowing as he presses his nose into the divet of ai's hip]
You're not.
[rin states simply, pressing his lips against that spot on his hip, slowly sucking the skin past his lips. it's easier this way. giving him something to focus on. maybe he really is a slut. wouldn't it be easier to go bounce to the pool? pick open a book to flip through? watch whatever slew of videos is stacking up in his messages from natsuya? yeah, but. it feels impersonal.
and this is something good he can do for someone. make someone feel good for all his transgressions. rin's nails skate along ai's thighs, as he pulls his pants down, continuing to lap and suck at any piece of available skin that he's able. his intention is clear. and his free hand grabs ai's wrist, dragging it against his scalp]
no subject
Date: 2025-09-18 03:05 am (UTC)[He had felt it back then, too. The sudden flipped switch in Rin's brain; Ai swears he can see it happen, the moment his mind flies somewhere else and an unusual darkness settles over his countenance. Wonders what he could have said, could have done to put Rin in that place. They had been just fine a minute ago. What happened?
It's the easy way to try and handle it. Assume guilt. Assume responsibility. That meant Ai could maintain a semblance of control; unfortunately, it's only going to lead him to dead ends. Once upon a time he would have considered himself and Rin mirrors of one another, intrinsically connected by words unspoken that laid their inner machinations plain between the margins. Painful self-actualization of not being good enough, never being good enough. Simply being born wrong and having to live with that, every single day. Ai's only ever pointed inwards; Rin's, sometimes, infrequently but enough for Ai to notice, points outward.
It didn't have to be like this.]
R--, [he starts, and stops, because for the first time in a while, he cannot even begin to guess at where Rin's mind has gone. Where it concerned sex, Ai figured it to be Rin outrunning the obvious. But... Ai's intuition right then says otherwise. Because the look in Rin's eyes, beyond the murky darkness, is guilt. Plain as day. Ai assumed he himself had put it there; had laid the groundwork for Rin to make mistakes. The logical thing would be to not indulge in the very thing that started it all, yet with sudden alacrity, Ai's thighs meet the cool air of his studio apartment, and the way Rin sucks at his skin there wipes Ai's mind clean-slate white.]
Rin-senpai, [comes a rattled, whispered chide. As if trying one last time to convince Rin, certainly not himself, that this wasn't necessary. If you can't see me-- but by god, it is hard to ignore the way his soft dick immediately begins to pulse to life the darker the bruises grows under Rin's voracious lips. Ai throws his head to the side, presses the side of his knuckles to his mouth, wrings his eyes shut. His hand is already half-way to Rin's head before Rin drags it the remainder of the distance into his hair; Ai needs zero coaxing to grab beautiful long strands, bucking his hips up urgently against Rin.
Sense is gone. This they had in common: falling slave to the ghost of hunger. What was one more mistake made in this apartment, anyway? Ai knows he can just pick up the pieces later, as he always does.]
no subject
Date: 2025-09-18 11:41 pm (UTC)and rin doesn't have to listen hard to hear the way his name and that familiar title trickles from ai's lips. it's ragged, almost as though he's trying to convince rin to not do it. and if rin were someone more sane, someone with less baggage and desire to prove himself worthy? he might have listened.
but as it is he doesn't and nuzzles the side of ai's dick, already so hot and hard and-- rin makes a noise against his shaft, dragging his lips along the length. it doesn't matter. because it's something he knows he's good at. just like every other time. his stupid mouth is for more than fighting and cursing and ruining everything around him.
his tongue swirls around the base, before dragging back up and he wraps his lips around the head of ai's dick. letting it linger in the heat of his mouth for a moment, while his hand slowly begins to work the rest of him to full hardness. rin pulls his mouth back, letting his tongue lavish the tip of ai's dick again. he pulls back entirely, making a show of dragging his tongue across his mouth.
it's something. it's not everything he wants (he can't have) but it's something to settle this tension that's been boiling and simmering between them for god know's how long. rin tries to once again push those looks and questions--sousuke's especially (and the stern look)--before he continues the motions, tipping his head up into ai's grip with a soft noise]
no subject
Date: 2025-09-18 11:53 pm (UTC)One of his legs is bent at the knee, pressed to the back of the couch; the other slides off the couch, tip of his toes digging into a rough ledge near the bottom of the couch's architecture for purchase. Already, he's bucking his hips up and off the cushion, as if he might be able to chase the sinful warmth of Rin's tongue; as if he could communicate his want, louder than he ever has before. There's nothing left to hide, after all.
Already, small patches of yellow and purple blossom around his pelvis; Ai's eyes take it all in in an instant, as Rin licks his lips, hungry. It quickly pins itself as a potent mental image to store for later; at present, it makes Ai toss his head back against the arm rest, and makes his knuckles go white in Rin's hair.
Fully hard, every ministration immediately sends dull shockwaves throughout his body. Ai was sensitive; unlike Rin, he hasn't had the wherewithal to shirk his shame and self-loathing long enough to jerk off in his shower. Not with Rin there, who unfortunately also occupied his mind at those lower moments. Fully pent up since last they erroneously came together.]
Please, [he encourages, voice already husked,] You're warm-- ah, Like that...!
no subject
Date: 2025-09-19 07:59 pm (UTC)it makes him feel something. and that's really what he wants most of all.
he adjusts himself so ai can fuck into his mouth better, tipping towards to scrape his damn tonsils. he keeps his tongue pressed on the bottom of ai's length, letting loose a soft groan that surely vibrates up his length. the praise doing him in equally. it's stupid to be equated to things in life. good at this or that. maybe that's why haru threw such a tantrum over it their last year of school.
but equally, rin knows this is a stupid talent to have. and so he wants to use it to make himself matter somehow in the grand scheme of things. like this will fix everything somehow. or at least just give him some use in life, and fill that emptiness with something. he doesn't know anymore. he doesn't care. he just continues to put his money where his mouth is, one hand gripping ai's thigh with a bruising grip to add onto the sensations]
no subject
Date: 2025-09-19 08:53 pm (UTC)And yet, the body was a funny, impressionable thing. And the head too full of hope to bother giving protest.
Feeling good, now was apparently more than worth his pursuit. And easily given at that; every bob of Rin's head, every subtle roll of Ai's hips up into that impossibly warm and wet heat, Ai feels the coil in his gut grow tighter, threatening to snap. It's been a long while since he's found himself so without his wits - so close to the precipice so soon.
Unlike last time, there is no precognition in Ai's mind of what this was supposed to be; no silently attempting to fill shoes Rin never asked him to fill. Ai isn't so sure what is going through Rin's head, but Ai at the very least doesn't feel an impetus to over-present. This was enough, whatever this was.]
Senpai--
[Ask him later, and he won't be proud of the way he thrusts his hips upward in a sharp buck down Rin's throat as he comes, an airy and lilted gasp on his lips as his warm spend coats the very back of Rin's tongue. Faintly, Ai holds Rin's hair tighter, neglecting him the chance to pull back-- because faintly, Ai recalls Rin likes it this way. There's a subtle tremble in his breath as his body stops pulsating; hips fall back down onto the couch, dislodged from Rin. His hand in Rin's hair goes soft, his touch unusually sentimental; his thumb brushes back and forth over the crown of his head.
Doesn't want to look down. Can't. Doesn't want the visual confirmation it's already over. He sucks in a breath, gathering his wherewithal.]
Are you...? [It's difficult to tell, whether or not Rin's grown hard. Or even has an interest? Ai feels shameful to even ask, but was famously bad at staying his tongue, and post-coital lucidity isn't helping,] Is there anything that I--?
Can I touch you, too?
no subject
Date: 2025-09-20 05:08 pm (UTC)and he dutifully takes what ai has to offer. under no pretenses over what this could transpire to be, or... rather, there's no cruelly aimed words and jeers to try to push ai into territory he clearly wasn't comfortable with. at least rin can shield himself under whatever the hell this is. all while he reaches behind ai to push his hips up, all while his head is held down to take it all in.
right. at least he's still got it. making people feel something other than lower than dirt.
rin swallows it all down, easily, eyes scrunching up as the back of his throat feels raw. but it's something, right? better than the ache that was swirling in his gut and chest. ai ventures a little deeper, touches turning lighter (that's normal, rin tries to tell himself. it's normal for people not to toss you to the dumpster after sex) but he tries not to cringe under the gentle ministrations nevertheless.
he doesn't deserve it, after all. and when rin pulls away from ai's softening cock, he knows exactly what it will entail. and ai follows the script perfectly, asking if he can touch him back. is there anything ai can do at this point? rin doesn't even feel turned on, just selfishly pursuing something that might make another feel better than he does. he bites his lip, pulling back a bit. does stress give you whiskey dick? probably. it's a bit embarrassing if anything else, and he lets his gaze fall to the floor]
I don't know if--
[i don't even know if it will do anything]
no subject
Date: 2025-09-20 09:43 pm (UTC)[It fumbles off his lips too damn fast. Too damn insistently. As if trying to outrun the obvious, in all the same ways Rin was outrunning something, too. Because he saw Ai, but did he really? What was the point of all of this if Ai couldn't help him take the edge off? It's ten times worse if it's just me. Like he's throwing me a bone. A pittance, a distraction.
Ai needs to learn that where it concerns Rin, close to nothing is ever going to go as expected. It didn't the first year they knew each other, and it certainly won't now, where bad decision after bad decision after mistake after mistake has forced the two of them to compound into something unrecognizable.
Maybe it's easier this way, after all. Last time, Rin ran away. This time, he's shackled, and as far as Ai can tell, is begging Ai not to eat him alive.
The weight in his chest hangs so familiarly heavy, and Ai smiles in that simpering, rueful way of his. Shifts back just a little on the couch, enough to try and weasel his hands between their bodies so as to try and make himself decent again, haphazardly pulling up at his pants.]
... Ah, no. Like this, it's fine. [Flashes his eyes up at Rin just for a half-second, before ashamedly looking away.] Consider it an I-owe-you, then. Because you did me a favour. I'll feel bad if I can't somehow pay it back. [He forces that smile again, finally decent, and once again resigns himself to being stiff liquid against the arm rest.] No expiration date.
no subject
Date: 2025-09-21 02:46 am (UTC)what favor would he even ask for? something with no expiration date? it would be easy to settle into something more obvious. a sexually gratuitous favor or perhaps another dicking against the futon. it's not like it doesn't cross his mind for a moment. but...
no. he doesn't want it. not like that.
in fact, he bites his lip at the prospect. like ai owes him anything at all. he scoffs, and pulls back, leaning all his weight against his hands pressed into the couch cushions behind him]
You don't owe me anything you know. Fuck.
[it's spat out, though lacking in any real heat as rin just rolls his shoulder and neck, closing his eyes with a huff and gritted teeth]
I did it because I wanted to. Better not hear about you giving out favors just because someone blew you. I'll kick your fucking ass.
[now that sounds and feels like the old rin. he stares pointedly between them, watching ai pull up his pants wordlessly for a moment. but then, sometimes comes to him and...]
Fine. Wanna know what I want?
[rin fists the front of ai's shirt, dragging him closer, accentuating every single syllable just so ai gets it through his thick head]
Sleep this off. Get to training camp. Show the fucking world, those reporters--everyone--what the fuck you're made of.
no subject
Date: 2025-09-21 02:59 am (UTC)[He'd continue arguing, because really, the part of him he keeps so staunchly hidden is so interconnected with greater parts of him that it neglects the opportunity for Rin to see him fully. To see how Ai so selflessly and brazenly and enthusiastically wants to be present for him, thick and thin, highs and lows. How painstakingly devoted he is to their friendship and ensuring it lasts, no matter what, because it's precious to him. How willing he is to weather Rin's moods and brash behaviours because at this point, Ai has seen it all, including the parts of Rin that can be proud and bombastic and romantic and capable, who knows how to make mistakes, apologize, and move on. How much blood, sweat, and tears he puts into reforming himself, over and over, in order to be someone he can say he's proud of, all because Rin gave him something to work toward.
Except Rin's fisting the front of his shirt, and for a second, just a second, there is a flash of panic over Ai's countenance. There and gone. Still, he listens.
How small their problems were. So much of what I do is meaningless, in the end.
Ai grabs Rin's wrist and tries to tear it off from himself.]
I never once doubted what I can do. Not on this stage. Not with you.
[If Rin's released him, Ai's trying to sit up.]
No matter the circumstances. I didn't push as hard as I did just to stumble because of petty nonsense.
[His eyes feel hot, but he swallows it all down. Rubs the back of his head as if to fluff his hair, and with it his thoughts; jumble them a little to be less linear and coherent. Ai takes a steeling breath.]
I'm still going to the pool. Come or don't.
no subject
Date: 2025-09-21 03:45 am (UTC)[rin doesn't even know what he's talking about anymore. because isn't that an awkward thing to say? he'll kick someone's ass if ai's sleeping with someone else? handing out favors? what is he even saying?
but oh he's done it now. sowing doubt in ai? well, that's impossible actually. because apparently it's impossible to shake ai up like this. because ai is yanking rin's hand off of himself and pushing himself back up. petty nonsense? rin lets his back fall back against the armrest because he's honest to god flabbergasted with what is happening. but finally, he manages to spit back]
Sorry for being fucking, petty nonsense to you. Glad to know where I stand.
[he tears himself off the couch, and storms off to his futon, grabbing his swim bag from his corner and stuffing his goggles back inside as they threaten to slip out. he slings it over his shoulder, and tosses a glare back towards ai]
no subject
Date: 2025-09-21 03:55 am (UTC)You know that isn't what I said. [He has half a mind to stomp up to Rin and cuff him himself, but Ai has always been the bigger man between the two of them. Instead his fist goes white-knuckled at his side, nose wrinkling with his grimace, before choosing instead to let his voice carry behind him as he continues toward his bed,]
You probably wish you were petty nonsense. That'd make it ten times easier for you.
[Doesn't dignify Rin with a right? or isn't that so? because he has it on damn good authority Rin doesn't know how to handle him - barely could before, sure as shit can't now. Oscillated violently between being unable to so much as ruffle Ai's hair to sucking him off. Ai's emotions were too frayed to bother with being sensitive about it anymore; he gathers his sports bag and very nearly shoulders past Rin in his pursuit of the front door.]
no subject
Date: 2025-09-21 11:46 am (UTC)all because he tried to slip back into genuinity, spitting out how he really felt about mikhail and ai's own inner doubts about getting so far. but then again, he selfishly stumbled into another matsuoka style fumble, his words and actions pathetically not lining up all while he wallowed in self doubt and pity regarding his own place. he's exhausted, on edge and just messing up everything further for them.
but ai's comeback twists something in him. and he just stares at him, unsure if that's really what he heard come out of his mouth. he has the foresight to at least yank himself out of the way before ai shoulders him into the wall, and rin grits his teeth. his fingers are tight against the strap of his swim bag.
it's tempting to say fuck it, and not even go. he could argue his leg still hurts, but really it's the back of his throat and chest that ache more than anything. and so rin stubbornly shoves past ai outside the front door, stalking off to the path he's treaded a million times before towards the pool. he refuses to dignify ai with a response. terrified if he does no good can come of it.
then again, it already feels like they're at the lowest. would it really matter?]
no subject
Date: 2025-09-21 03:15 pm (UTC)Because Ai plays their argument over and over in his head, plays the moments leading up to it over and over. Their afternoon. Their morning. The day before. All of it, one frustratingly errant note after the other.
You probably wish you were petty nonsense. That'd make it ten times easier for you.
This, too, he plays over and over. Because even now, as his head begins to cool with the early evening air, Ai can't find it in himself to say he's wrong. So much of all of this would be so much simpler if Rin meant a little less to him. There'd be no complications around the first time they hooked up. There'd be no fanfare around the markings on their necks. There'd be no fallout. There'd be no anguish at being left alone at his lowest. There'd be no upset at not being able to reciprocate. There'd be no misstep after misstep after misstep. If Ai could do Rin the favour of only considering him petty nonsense and not holistically and singularly the most important person in his life, so much would be easier. So much may not have happened at all.
It isn't as if he meant Rin, anyway. I didn't push as hard as I did just to stumble because of petty nonsense. Ai's petty nonsense was that which he still tried to keep under tight lock and key. Funny how even now, spoken by another name, it has a way of colossally fucking things up when invoked. He'd tried to set the record straight, hold Rin accountable for willfully misinterpreting him, but. Then Ai took it just a step too far, because the depths of his hurt seem not to have limits. A near-constant swell of rejection and frustration and ineptitude. Somewhere well ahead of Rin, Ai's sniffing, rubbing furiously at his face before walking even faster-
You're my best friend, and I...
... Slowly, Ai's pace slows down. And slower still. Enough such that Rin would easily be able to close the gap.]
no subject
Date: 2025-09-22 12:36 am (UTC)not that rin isn't constantly checking over his shoulder and around them for. obvious reasons. journalist related reasons, because the last thing he needs is one of their fights becoming yet another fucking public spectacle. he's still waiting for that other shoe to drop anyways, trying to follow mikhail's advice, still twisting over ponderings in his head that might work, even though he hasn't solidified one yet...
but ai begins to slow.
and rin scowls, shifting his bag, trying to slow his pace in turn. his throat is still sore, and he can still taste ai in his mouth. and somehow...
but then he can tell the tears that are coming down. and rin overtakes ai for a moment, fingers tight on the strap of his duffel. agonizingly so, white knuckled in its intensity. he bites his lip, staring at the gym not far ahead of them. but then twists his head to look over his shoulder, and. well. he casts another glance around, nobody's around thank god.
so rin sighs and digs his heel into the pavement for a moment. all before he turns on said heel and awkwardly stands in front of ai, not quite looking at him. the words still sting. but he knows he's a hypocrite, and has said plenty of nasty shit in turn. it's well deserved. but it shouldn't be making ai so miserable either. fuck]
...maybe we should just go home.
[he bites out, his lips twisting a bit as he tries not to look at the way ai is scrubbing at his face]
Pool's not going anywhere.
[there's another offer on his tongue though. and he feels for his phone in his pocket, thumb brushing across the screen. or i can piss off and give you your space]
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:you're doing it again
From:YOU LITERALLY FUCKING STARTED IT THIS IS YOUR FAULT YOU ASSHOLE
From:HAVE SOME FUCKING SELF CONTROL WITH FOOD IN RP BRO blame game isn't cool
From:i wanted to 'yes, and' :'(
From:whatever you say
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:...
From:...
From:...
From:...
From:...
From:...
From:...
From:...
From:...
From:...
From:...
From:...
From:...
From:...
From:...
From:...
From:...
From:...
From:...
From:...
From:...
From:...
From:...
From:...
From:...
From:...
From:...
From:...
From: