He damn near flinches from the gentle touch on his shoulder. It feels like something dripping with pity. Something he never fucking asked for. There's a dip into his old head. The one who bristled at any indication of anything towards himself. Like he wasn't worthy or deserving of it. He isn't. He doesn't need that.
Boys don't cry.
They don't cry when they're woken up in the middle of a nap alone to a haunting call. They don't cry when they're forced to deliver the worst news in the world to their mother. They don't cry when they have to take care of their sister, and mother and pretend like everything is fine. They don't need pity.
Rin's nails dig painfully into his palms. He tries to keep himself in check. Ai has always been his painfully kind voice of reason. That little angel on his shoulder reminding him to keep his feelings in check, and be kind and--
Rin hasn't even been here for a night, and he feels like he's monumentally fucked everything up completely. The way he can feel Ai roll onto the floor next to him, tossing an arm over his gaze. Being so kind like Rin is something precious, something that deserves to be treated as such. Rin's never made it a secret that certain topics shove him over the edge. It's why he teeters away from them so frequently.
But he dove right into this thinking he was ready. He was wrong, so so wrong.
"Yeah, right." That bitter tone encompasses a soft laugh slipping past his lips. His eyes land on that book, that precious thing to him. And he chucks it against the wall. It's like Ai is insinuating he go back to Australia. Right of course. Nobody wants him here. What a fucking joke. What a mistake to think this would work out so easily. Rin thought he had changed. But apparently not in the grand scheme of things.
The book smacks against the wall.
"Don't worry, it's obvious it's just a safer option there anyways." Rin grits his teeth, looking over his shoulder at Ai. It's a hard expression to read. Even Rin himself doesn't know exactly what he's feeling beyond the blood boiling every which way. But then Ai drops that fucking bomb, one that Rin feels like he wasn't supposed to be privy to.
So long as you're here, you have a safe launch pad". He almost chokes on his spit, because what the actual fuck? Rin rolls over in an instant, giving Ai a heavy look.
"That's it? Not gonna call me gross or anything?" He's compartmentalizing, he knows he is. But he's damn near shaking from the intensity of the conversation. Being forced to look at everything again in a new perspective, so achingly close to everything--everyone--again. Rin scoffs. He's on another planet at this point. Absolutely grasping for straws, in thinking Ai means one thing when he truly means another.
Ai jolts out of his skin at the sound of Rin's book smacking against the wall. He isn't sure what he was expecting, but a unanimously negative reaction to an attempt at reassurance? He's so stunned he barely can comprehend enough of his own emotions to call it regret or remorse for having said something at all. He's half-sat up and suddenly faced with Rin who is staring at him with an unidentifiable darkness in his eyes. It makes Ai's gut sink all over again.
First, breaths. There had been a right jolt of adrenaline at the loud thud! of Rin's book. Don't worry, it's obvious it's just a safer option there anyways. Ai realizes in an instant what direction Rin had taken his words, and it's Ai's first instinct with a clear head to clarify--
"Rin-senpai, I never--"
-- but Rin's mind just keeps going, and Ai watches in real time as that unreadable darkness morphs into something far more intimidating.
Ai's left to stare, bewildered and hurt. He sits up fully now, as if to give himself the leverage of talking to Rin in such a direct and contrarian way; a literal high road. His expression perfectly teeters between fearful and affronted.
"Why would I? Senpai, you're here because I wanted you to be." It's Ai's turn to dig crescent bites into his palm, white-knuckled, toeing a fine line against sentiments he'd rather be kept sealed all the way shut. A sincerity backs his words and with it a gravitas; it's like tapping into a forbidden magic, the kind that corrupts slowly the more it is used. "Because I missed having you around. If it were up to me, you would stay here as long as I do." His eyebrows knit in the middle of his forehead.
"You can go ahead and feel guilty for taking up space, but I'm going to give it to you anyway." Then, slowly, Ai rises to his feet. Doesn't say a single damn word as he walks across the room to fetch the book Rin's just launched across it; there's a scuff mark on the wall. Ai looks over Rin's book to make sure it isn't damaged - a small bend on the very top of its spine but nothing serious - before padding back over, squatting in front of Rin, and handing the book back to him.
Softly, "At least aim at me next time. You'll upset the neighbors otherwise."
There's stinging words echoing in his head, clotting out all rationale.
The blond boy in the red trunks is holding your head underwater because he is trying to kill you, and you deserve it, you do, and you know this, and you are ready to die in this swimming pool because you wanted to touch his hands and lips and this means your life is over anyway.
Over. And over. And over. And over again.
It's always been true. It's so obvious. How cultivated for this type of behavior he is. Something stoked underneath layers of masks, things that so easily slip and crack. Rin can barely hear Ai's reassurance, that it isn't like that. The same reassurance that fell on deaf ears when he thought he broke his hand against the vending machine.
And why can't it fucking work this time? Why can't someone's gentle reassurance soothe him? Why is it always hanging onto old words, things that shouldn't matter. Stupid boys and locker room talk and derogatory terms that ended up being so disgustingly true. He's trying to suck in deep breaths through his teeth, trying to will the shaking in his shoulders away.
Why does somebody like Ai want someone like him here? It starts with a single tear. And then a few more. Bitter, angry things dripping down his face, leaving a hot sting in their wake.
"I don't--" He spits out, though it comes out as more of a choke. "I'm not. Gonna fucking hit you." He wouldn't. Couldn't. But those angry tears still slip out one at a time. It's nonsensical, like Rin doesn't even know what he's trying to say.
Because Ai offers him that olive branch. And Rin wants to puke. He tries scrubbing at his face, snatching his book back and shoving it back underneath his pillow. A sanctuary from his anger. The only safe place. He wishes Ai would leave, and just give himself that safe space in turn. But Rin gripes with himself, and grits out.
"Because everyone thinks for some reason I--" He chokes off the last of that response. He can't bring himself to say it. His tone is so angry, and he just. "Why the fuck is it such a big deal? Why does everyone assume the worst, just because someone likes dick? It's like after that you can't exist in the same fucking space or something."
Suddenly it all makes sense. What to Ai had been an obvious reality was to Rin an overwhelming, excruciating burden. Ai never in a million years would have assumed so much of Rin's anguish to be tied up in something so-- pedestrian. So human. So not specific. A grief Ai understands, and learned to internalize at a younger age - a privilege afforded to him, perhaps, on account of his smaller stature. For him, he had a secondary social script to fall back on, to use as a shield against words that hurt because they're true.
Rin was different. He was tall, and strong, and confident, and not meant to be torn down in such a way. And Rin at his core was someone who felt everything very deeply. Ai understands all in one instant an entirely different picture of the past four-to-five years of anguish, outbursts, hurt, cut words and aborted conversations. Ai had taken it for granted when he shouldn't have. Add in a healthy dose of heartbreak on Rin's part, or so Ai suspects, and...
Ai keeps his hands to himself. He so badly just wants to take Rin and fold him against his chest, press his head to his shoulder, reassure Rin in all the ways Ai would hope to be reassured. Touched; reminded he isn't dirty. But he knows Rin, and knows he'll make it known when he wants that kind of comfort. Ai instead has the much harder job of choosing his words.
He titters.
"If I thought any of that I'd be a hypocrite." And for a different reason entirely, he is one anyway. Ai clears his throat somewhat awkwardly then, entirely unclear what kind of landmines he's stepping on but thinking that bridging that gap and letting Rin know he isn't alone without making it about himself is the only way forward, "And besides. Nanase-san became a frequent enough fixture that it was normal between us anyway." Him and Rin, he means. As if to say how little he gave Rin's sexuality any thought; a foregone conclusion. "If you read my journals from first year, you'd be beside yourself."
There's two fixations suddenly. Things Ai says that don't slip past Rin. Because while he's grasping for straws right now, but he's actually at a point where he can hear through the noise. At least superficially. The first bringing a fresh wave of panic. Hypocrite. Surely Ai doesn't think that--
He stammers before Ai has even finished, apologies for things that don't even exist outside of Rin's head fresh on his tongue.
"I--Sorry, sorry. I wasn't trying..."
Wasn't trying what exactly? He can't pinpoint it. But he feels like he maybe overstepped in a few places. Rin's teasing words can sometimes come off as other things. And if Ai gets it, says it would make him a hypocrite... Does Ai think that Rin's trying-- His face burns.
Natsuya's words sting in that moment though. Wow, adulterous. Just how many guys do you want to swim with? And it comes crashing down. All culminated in a hot, wave of shame as Ai finished out in the same second.
Why did he try so hard to pretend it wasn't a thing? Despite all the signs that were there. And it's clear Ai didn't miss them. Did everyone else notice? Were those boys so long ago right? Was he that easy--
"...how? I--" Because Ai is talking about Haru now, and that stirs up a panic. Frequent enough? So did that mean? Rin tries swallowing around the obnoxious lump settling in his throat. His hand is fumbling for something to cling to, and the only thing he can think of is grabbing at Ai's sleeve. It's grounding in whatever this is.
You'd be beside yourself. And if those aren't the most terrifying words he's ever been presented with. He tries to scoff, but it falls flat. Rin's hand shakes. "Why are you talking about Haru??" As if the answer isn't obvious.
Knows Rin didn't think of him that way. He didn't need the reminder, and was just as eager as Rin to push past that sentiment as fast as possible.
Ai just. Stares. Heart leaden in his chest. It's a kind stare, very very cognizant to not let his own internal turmoil boil over and paint his face. He's gotten so very good at that while with Rin. But on his end, he's stunned into silence. Even now, even now, cards laid bare on the table, Rin is trying to explain away-- something. And that isn't what upset Ai; he has all the patience in the world to reach a middle ground with Rin, to come to understand him better and wait for Rin to do the same in return. To grow that confidence.
Ai is hung up on the fact that someone or someones has pushed Rin so far that this is his knee-jerk reaction to something so inconsequential. Ai may as well have just accused him of cheating, or having stolen a large sum of money; not revealing they're on the same team. It makes his heart shatter. All the problems he thinks he can fix with just the right words and the right amount of compassion-- suddenly, it's all an uphill battle. Rin's adversities vastly outperforms Ai's blip on Rin's radar of life. Ai swallows; now is really not the time to be ruminating and fixated upon how useless he feels.
Rin's grabbing his sleeve, and Ai crosses his opposite arm to smooth over Rin's hand with his thumb. That same simple attempt at acknowledging him without forcing anything more or less. And in this instance, it's serving to ground Ai, too. The panic in Rin's voice so suddenly...
Ai's voice is measured in a calm, quiet lull. "I-- um. Sorry. I guess I misinterpreted." No, Ai knows he didn't. But if he gives Rin the space to correct the record on his own, it also gives him a chance to acknowledge the demon in his head... Or so is Ai's gamble. He tacks on quickly as if to try and cut the tension and expectation, "Or maybe I was hopeful? At the time. Thinking I'd made a friend who was like me."
It’s something so deprecating to his self worth. The way he’s treated like something that matters. Like none of this matters, and it’s just Rin at his core.
He thinks he understands the out Ai is giving him. But that soft brush of skin, the trace of AI’s thumb over his skin tells another story. It reminds him of the kindness he has spared others so easily. For all their transgressions. Why can’t he allow himself that same thing?
Rin bites his lip, grip tightening on AI’s shirt. He swallows, swiping his tongue over his lips. Because for once words seem completely lost. Even a stammering influx of non cohesive words and thoughts seems lost.
But he tries. Rin tries because Ai is trying, and deserves reciprocation in the kindest form. It doesn’t bother him that Ai is coming out to him. There’s relief. That somebody else gets it. And if Rin had the same experience, surely Ai has had similarities.
”No. You didn’t…” Ai pegged him. It’s fine. It’s not bad apparently. There’s kindred spirits in this quiet apartment.
Theres only one reason Ai could be bringing up Haru like that. He tries to save that for later because he can feel that…
”It doesn’t bother me.” He sighs, unable to meet AI’s gaze. But he doesn’t rip his hand away either. Grateful for the reassuring brush of physical contact for once. “Sorry. For freaking out. It’s nothing bad. Being—“ he can’t bring himself to say the word. But he hopes Ai gets the insinuation.
Even though he dimly thinks it’s fine for everyone except him. Aspiring Olympian. Unable to even know if his dad would approve.
Rin just laughs through the tears. Because it feels so stupid. Why does it fucking matter? Why is it only him?
”You’ve got the patience of a saint you know.” He huffs, sweeping his own thumb across Ai’s arm.
Ai does get it, and doesn't need Rin to spell it out, especially not when Rin seems extremely reluctant to do so. Ai can't blame him, honestly; despite having found inner peace years ago, it's still not something he's exactly practiced saying outright. He just lives as he is, encouraging people to take it or leave it. Loud, unapologetic decrees weren't his forte, and he can't blame Rin for not wanting to do that either. The only reason Ai even mentioned it in passing at all was specifically to bridge the gap to Rin's feelings; to show him he isn't alone.
"You once took a journal from me while I was mid-sentence about these kinds of things, and I felt my blood run cold. So I get it." It's a loose fit - the page being very specific to Rin was more the reason for Ai's panic at the time. But still, the principle stands, and Rin doesn't need to know specifics.
And just like that - the traitorous, damned beast that is his instinct. Skin alighting with goosebumps at the pad of Rin's thumb, a molten heat dribbling down the back of his throat past his lungs and right into his core. How much would Rin backtrack and rescind if he knew? Despite himself, Ai simpers, the smile teetering on the edge of bittersweet.
"If our circumstances were reversed, I'd like to think you'd take care of me too. It isn't patience," it is, "It's just being a friend." He swallows thick. And then laughs softly in a sudden moment of self-awareness, "At least there's no ladder to keep climbing up and down this time to see where you're at. My calves will thank me in the morning."
"Shit. Sorry, I shouldn't have been so grabby." He mutters awkwardly. Even with the excuse of just trying to get Ai to clean up his shit...
It's besides the point now, unfortunately. It does no good for Rin to mentally beat himself over prior transgressions that literally don't hold merit anymore. Because Ai is right. Friendship is give and take. Rin could put himself into his roommate's shoes, and would do the same a thousand times over. Because that's basic kindness right? He's oblivious to the happenings that the pad of his thumb is causing, however. Which might be less than kind. But he's grateful for the point of contact in the obliviousness.
Rin can't force himself to meet Ai's gaze, however. Eye contact being notoriously difficult in emotionally charged moments of vulnerability. But he can let a small laugh slip loose at the sound of Ai's, even if the tension hasn't necessarily dissipated.
"I hate bunk beds." He admits stupidly, his free arm tossing itself over his eyes. That shield, pretending his tears simply don't exist and it makes it easier to excuse the lack of eye contact. Because there's an elephant in the room now, and Rin doesn't think he can just pretend there wasn't the insinuation.
"...Ai." He grits out, trying to keep his voice level. And from a self deprecating spiral into sobbing at the prospect of him somehow outing himself. His fingers tighten on Ai, slipping from just the fabric of his shirt to his arm. "Why did you bring up Haru?" He asks it again. Because it's the thing everyone seems to fixate on. It's the thing those fucking boys latched onto, and used as collateral for their cruelty.
But he also tacks on (because he suddenly feels very small, and doesn't want this conversation to solely revolve around him). "...when did you know? About you, that is."
Ai laughs along with Rin, grateful for the momentary lift of the tension in the room, and especially grateful to see Rin still has it in him tonight to be self-aware enough to smile, even if it doesn't quite reach his eyes yet. It reminds Ai he still has to lay out Rin's futon; he'll do so once this ordeal is behind them.
Then Rin calls his name, and Ai knows some kind of loaded question is coming. In the scant time between that and Rin's actual question, Ai's mind races a thousand thoughts a second. Is this it? Is the mirage over? Am I done for? There's no way. I was so careful. He'll want to move out. It's over. It comes as a relief to instead hear Rin ask about Haruka. If Rin's perceptive, he might even see the way Ai's shoulders had stiffened and then relax to near-gelatinous once the question is actually posed.
The answer is simple and doesn't need dressing, and Ai trusts Rin not to throw a second tantrum in one night. So Ai weasels a hand under Rin's to gently pry it away from his bicep; instead, Ai guides Rin's hand to the top of his own thigh, where Ai is loosely kneeling in front of Rin still, and pats Rin's hand with both of his own. Makes it inexplicably clear that Ai has zero hang-ups about any of this, and what his priority is.
"In first year, I assumed you had feelings for him." Ai rolls his eyes up in thought for a moment, and then it's his turn to not be able to make eye contact; a spot on the floor between them is suddenly very interesting. "I know what yearning looks like, so I took a guess. That's all." And then he quickly amends before Rin can get any thoughts in his head, "It didn't bother me at all. It just made me worry sometimes whether or not you were alright."
Asked about his own experience, well. Ai laughs again, but the noise is poignantly bittersweet.
"Middle school? I think. I was scolded for sending a note to one of the other boys on Valentine's Day despite that being sensei's prompt." Ai then shrugs, "And I put a word to it in high school a little after we met." He leaves out the grittier details; the unfortunate, borderline violent stories he is willing to wager they both share.
He misses the shoulders drop, but not for lack of trying. Everything's blurry through his leaky eyes. There's no use in fighting the shame this time around. It's all out in the open now. It wouldn't have taken a genius to figure it out after all. Rin was anything but subtle.
He sucks in a shuddering breath. Focusing on the expanding of his lungs, as opposed to the boiling in his blood, that fresh, hot wave of shame building needlessly. It's stuffed into a corner temporarily. Because he latches onto that little phrase. Even if only for a moment. I know what yearning looks like. Rin wonders if that's from personal experience or--
Ai's touch is warm on his hands, and he doesn't snatch the appendage away despite feeling self conscious at needing something like coddling. It's nothing new to Ai. Ai has seen Rin at his lowest. Through nightmares, and toxicity with his own mindset.
But he posits not to answer it with anything, not at first. Instead latching onto Ai's words. Because addressing some of those things, sharing those details of your life can be challenging. And Rin knows Ai did the same, and just wants to offer the same courtesy in exchange. Despite not knowing some of the more painful details behind it. It's quiet for a moment, before Rin continues.
"...yeah. You were right." He sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. The small sting a carefully constructed distraction. "Sort of why talking about Australia sets me off. That last trip before graduation mostly."
But back into Ai territory. Not because he's not willing to talk about it right now, but because he wants him to feel heard as well. "That's shit. I'm sorry."
Assignments shouldn't be contingent on gender like that. While the violent stories are silent, they're far from forgotten. It's likely Ai has experienced some of the same cruelties though. A pang of regret settles in him at the prospect of the Samezuka team having had anything to do with the instances. Most of the boys were kind, and Seijuro would have beat the pulp out of anyone bad mouthing a member of their team. But behind closed doors, well. Anything is fair game.
"Sounds like that was sort of the year everyone found themselves, I guess."
"I see." Which is the confirmation Ai needs that Rin and Haruka maybe aren't still a thing - or Rin's given up. Ai doesn't know the details for certain, but there is one truth, which is that Rin is here and not at Haruka's place. Even if it was absent of the man in question.
And he feels filthy. Disgusting and full to the brim of self-loathing for the undue relief and hope it gives him. Like a sick vulture. The part of him buried low and deep, gasping for air. Ai wrings his eyes shut, tells his heart to shut up, and instead taps into that which is closer to the surface: his sympathy for Rin. His sadness that Rin is hurting so much. These more manageable things that he could deign to solve because they were not inherently his problems.
Belatedly, "I'm sorry." Not just for what Ai thinks is love lost, but for having to endure all of that from A to Z all alone.
Rin's quip has Ai lolling his head with a simper. And his cheeks heat at the implications of what comes next, "Not that I got up to much in first year, but." He clears his throat. "Difficult to navigate, honestly. I wasted so much time trying to be the last one in the locker room so I could be alone, or first one to practice to change alone. It was the small things." It was self-defense. Sheepishly, he dares to look at Rin again. "Never in our room, though. Things were fine in room two-ten... I could drop those pretenses around you." I wasn't scared.
Maybe there's that fresh wave of agony that he's here, and not at Haru's. He just accepts the apology for what it is, pushing past it. It is what it is. Distance does things to people. It was obvious Haru didn't think he could handle something like that, and even if Rin was back now.
Because Ai's admission that their room was some sort of a sanctuary softened the blow. Maybe that was at least something he could offer people. Semblances of understanding, and quiet sympathies. It was obvious Ai clung onto that year spent together. Knowing he wasn't alone, and there were other people like him.
Rin understands. Painfully. Navigating a world of sports dominated by men, a boarding school rife with expectations and having to share rooms and beds and showers with other boys, never knowing who could be judging you or checking you out. He sighs.
"Glad I at least did an okay job with that." It wasn't all bad, that first year. But Rin was so constantly on edge he felt like Ai bore the brunt of that far more frequently than he should have. It's not meant to guilt or self deprecate. Just acknowledge the fact.
He feels too exhausted to sleep, but too exhausted to stray away from all of this. Leaving it so open feels wrong. And besides, Rin doesn't think he could sleep anyways. He's too on edge, too wrought from sobbing and fear. He just pries instead, because he wants to listen. Maybe it will hide the shake in his voice, that hint of exhaustion at being awake for so long.
"Did you ever uh, you know." The implication is clear.
Rin's heart is so laden with guilt and Ai wishes he had more of a presence to be able to fix it. He's long since forgiven Rin for first year, and wants to model for Rin what living unapologetically can look like. Ai thinks it simply so unfair that someone capable of such incredible depths, who unanimously has changed the lives of every single person he's ever come in contact with, who is so beyond capable and confident and golden, can be so shackled.
He knows it isn't his to fix. But he can still try; remain present, as always.
"You helped me a lot with English, too. You were very good at that." It's a tease, because he wants to try and get Rin out of his head a little. He remembers being so fixated back then on watching Rin's mouth shape out every syllable, slow and deliberate so Ai could understand--
Rin's subsequent question hits his psyche for critical damage what with where his brain had just wandered. Immediately Ai blinks owlishly and feels his heart leap up into his throat. He's also painfully aware he still has Rin's hand on his thigh, and is unsure if keeping it hostage or relinquishing it would be a worse look right now. So senpai's curious about this kind of stuff after all...
"Yes." And he's quick to shake his head, "Um, but never in our room-- never in first year." His mouth gapes, then closes. Unsure how much detail was appropriate, or what Rin's motive for asking even was. Never mind the absolute nuke that would be the detail of who Ai's first was. Would Rin look at him differently? Does he now? Does it count if it was his own hand, mere feet above Rin, wishing it was something else entirely?
"Did you, senpai?" He desperately needs the attention off him - a seemingly mutual feeling as they ping-pong their vulnerability back and forth. Ai's pretty sure it's a foregone conclusion anyway. Just look at Rin; he could get anyone he wants, and Ai is pretty damn sure he's heard something once or twice.
"I mean. It's fine. It was your room too." Rin bites out, shame flooding him. Not like he has any room to criticize. It happened more than once. He gave Haru his keycard, pretended like he lost it and got another one. And left it at some open invitation. One that Haru took wordlessly.
His hand on Ai's thigh suddenly feels awkward, and he gently pulls it back to run his fingers through his hair. Grounding or whatever, even though he's literally the one that started this conversation. Ever the supportive roommate. He can feel his nails dig into his own scalp a bit.
Did you?
And how the hell is he supposed to answer that? Rin awkwardly stays clammed up for a bit, his lips twisting into some frown as he stares at a patch on the floor again. But finally, some words slip out. Things he would like to forget, but simply can't.
"Yeah. Couple of times." He tries to brush it off casually.
"Ah, well." Modesty wasn't the problem! "It was more that it wasn't on my radar at the time." Rin rescinding his hand does in fact make Ai relax a little too, even if he finds himself suddenly missing the contact point. A moment's heat, there and gone, and too late for him to make anything of it. Without meaning to mimic Rin, Ai too pushes his hand through his hair, trying to get a grip on his senses; his palm slides down to the back of his neck, leaving his hair in something of shaggy disarray.
He hums his assent. Couple of times seems normal - was it with just Haruka? Or has Rin explored otherwise? Ai's curiosity gnaws at him, but he just can't bring himself to outright ask. Half part prudishness, half part something green he doesn't want to give a name. But he figured if he wants to take, he has to give first. For a brief moment he flashes his eyes over Rin, before continuing to study the far wall again.
"It wasn't until near the end of second year, actually. Right before you graduated." He tilts his head in gesture. "And we weren't dating. It was more a thing of convenience." Of unburdening a weight they both carried; it was very, very good while it lasted. "But it must feel different, right? When it's with that someone."
The evening has been a steady back and forth of sharing--secrets? Maybe that's too shameful a word to attach to these things. It's nothing to hide, just things that maybe two people don't share outright. Rin can't put a name to it.
Ai revealing it's second year though makes Rin still for a moment. He was beaten down with responsibilities that year, scouting offers, outperforming himself to desperately show the world what he could do. But he remembers too, the quieter moments. Knowing Ai was down in the pool at all hours, trying to do his best. He remembers seeing Sousuke there with him, for so many long nights.
And Rin pauses.
There were times Sousuke seemed blatantly absent throughout that year. Knowing what Rin knows now, he chalked it up to agonizing over his lost career, his lost dreams. Sulking around campus like he had everything to hide. Rin had known throughout the year he was keeping secrets. But at the end of the year, he just assumed it was his shoulder. But now a little voice in the back of his mind, one of the more intuitive thoughts, strays towards it. Before he drops it, because there's no way. Right?
But something in him drops, because appearances are easier to keep than telling the truth. How many things do people hide from him, because they think he might be too emotional? He shoves it aside again, internalizing something that says he's being stupid and he's way too tired to be thinking this hard right now.
So he coughs a little instead, trying to find the words. Because how the hell can someone just ask something like that? So carefree and easy? Was that Haru? That person? The one Rin had chased after for so many years, and then...
"Sometimes... that someone might feel like it in the moment. Even if they're not."
Rin wonders if he was just a thing for Haru's convenience. That claws at him. And he doesn't want to show Ai that rawness that still stings, even after all this time. He tries to be casual again, resting his elbow on the floor and propping his head up. His gaze falls on one of the bookshelves, his tone a little lighter.
"Told you you were trouble. Come on, don't be modest. More than once? You must have been pretty good."
He's staring at Rin. It's blatant, it's painful, and it's raw. How does he even begin to unpack that? Exactly how much had they been mirrors after all this time? There is a heat that burns a knot in the back of his throat, a pressurized lid refusing to relieve the scalding steam that needs expelled from his lungs. God how pathetic, he thinks, that his first thought is that could have been me.
Rin's more practical question barely lands on him, he's so singularly stuck on that thought. Unfortunately - or fortunately? - for him, the heat that now burns from his ears down to his clavicle rips his attention back to the present. A solid second or two after the colour has overtaken his face does Ai finally balk, waving his hand furiously in front of his face.
"It... Lasted for a time, yes. But how can I possibly know that? That's for someone else to decide, isn't it?" He swallows thickly, a hand rubbing at his nape as if he could rub the heat away. "It felt good, and it was fun. I guess it'd be pretty impossible not to learn a thing or two along the way..."
A pause. And then in a sudden rush, the steam has pushed past his esophagus and is now tripping over his tongue faster than he can swallow it back down.
"Was it worth it?" he asks, so-- pointedly. "Knowing you're not being met in the middle. Did you still enjoy it?"
Rin just chalks Ai's weirdness up to talking about this in the open. But. This is something guys do right? Ty and some of the other members of the team used to do it all the time. Natsuya chiming in drunkenly from the corner after he had settled in their lives. Sometimes in great detail. So really it's fine. Right?
Normal.
"Hey man, good for you." Rin laughs, the first genuine sound out of him in the last hour. He can be happy for friends finding things like that. Sex isn't bad. Far from it. Especially tangled up in the confines of school and growing up, there's some comfort in sharing those things with another person. Something Rin knew all too well.
The question throws him off a little. But he tries to remain open to sharing, because Ai clearly just played the share game with him and Rin needs to be the one to meet him in the middle too. He's already crashing at his house, using his things, Ai paid for his dinner... Rin bites his lip, and lays on his back, staring up at the ceiling through outstretched fingertips raised above him.
"Well. At the time it felt like we were meeting in the middle." A sad smile warps his features. His eyes lid. "But... when it was right, when our timing lined up, it was like racing. You know that moment in the water when everything is all weightless and you can't hear anything? Just feeling your body syncing up with the water? Two hearts lock in, breaths sync. Nothing between you but that rythm."
Rin is romantic. Rin is sappy. Rin is a chump for not being more considerate about some of these details, but Ai asked and he's already succumbed to exhaustion so the words flow freer now. Much like when Natsuya would drown himself in beer.
"Like those lanes blurring and you're swimming together. It's dizzying. Feeling someone inside you, outside." Rin swallows, a sad laugh bubbling out. "But then it's gone. And you choke because you remember you're just one body again." He tries to shrug off the pain. It's not the first time he's felt it. And it certainly won't be the last.
"Even if it hurt. Even if I only got that feeling momentarily, it was fucking worth it."
Multiple problems arise in the face of Rin's candid recollection, and all of Ai, in and out, has difficulty staying on the roller coaster. His first reaction is a shock and awe that Rin would be so candid with him; even if they're both older now, had always been somewhat close. They never dared bring up these types of topics back in Samezuka. On Ai's part, it was a means of tempering himself; if the topic was never breached, he never had to ruminate on it. The second wave is a symbiotic pain, hearing Rin's words and knowing they're all past tense. The third, an overwhelming envy. Not just for whom Rin shared it all with, but for the sheer fact he had the gall to pursue what he wanted anyway, circumstances be damned. The fourth, a sickening hope, one he far too instinctively tamps down quicker and easier than any other feeling that had washed over him.
Fifth and last is the painful self-awareness that he's growing hot under the collar.
Thankfully, on account of having once been a lovesick sixteen year old with too many hormones but even more patience and tenacity to spare, he's able to keep himself in check. But by god, Rin is not making it easy. Would he handle this conversation better if it wasn't taking place after such a long day, at such a late hour, so soon after he's seen Rin for the first time in years?
"I'm jealous," he finally says, with a lopsided smile and another rub of the back of his neck. "I never came close to anything like that... Maybe I'm a coward after all." He shifts so he's no longer sitting kneeling, and instead crosses his legs.
He clears his throat, "Don't-- don't get me wrong. The sex was good." The word finally out in the open, too. Sousuke treated him so well. "Really good. But it wasn't-- nothing about it was..." He pauses. Tilts his head. Figures using Rin's own analogy works best here,
"I wanted to drown. That's all. I wanted to feel so out of breath that I couldn't think about anything else afterward." He rubs his arms. "And then we'd finish, and reality would come back. As you could imagine, that sort of thing can't last very long. But for the time it did, it was nice."
Another pause, and that-- blank, lost, ruminating expression shifts into a much more present curiosity, and he's even looking at Rin sidelong.
Because it's haunted him. Not in the bad, mocking way those american kids back in Australia were implying. But because throughout his return to Japan and subsequently dorming up in bunk-style settings, he's either been mocked or asked that question. Which has a loaded meaning and in Australia definitely fucking means something else. Rin bristles instinctively, swallowing down whatever that was and focusing instead on Ai's other words.
"Why would you be a coward?"
Rin presses. Ai has never struck him as that. Determined to do and get what he wants, and with the track record to prove it. There's that little tittering in the back of his head though, when Ai had begun describing the sex itself. That loaded question. The one he decides to go for, because it's a night of sharing and if he asks and Ai doesn't want to answer or Rin is wrong. Well.
"Wow. Really good is better than most of us got at that age, you know?" Rin tries to lighten the mood. "Our first time sucked."
"Was it someone I knew?" He presses curiously, casting a glance at Ai. He can get a pretty good read on people. And maybe Ai's expression will say everything. Not that Rin is forcing him into saying anything. Some secrets are better left unsaid. But Rin can't deny that faint spark of curiousity. The two people at Samezuka he was closest with. What would bring them together like that? Those late night practices...surely they talked.
About what?
But back to that stupid bottom, fucking... Rin licks his lips, and tries to swallow down another noise of anguish. Rin had said it after all. He fucking said it, and he knew he said it. There's no shame but. He's always put on that stupid facade. I'm Rin Matsuoka. I've got a girly name, but I'm definitely a boy. Don't make me prove it! That last one... never translated well in english. He shoves the embarrassing memory aside.
"That a problem?" It's a halfhearted hiss. Like a cat who got water dumped on it. Something that seems more himself than whatever this conversation has divulged into.
"Being with someone even if it seems impossible... I don't know. I couldn't bring myself to do it." He titters, then waves his hand, "Well, it's just like you to pursue what you want recklessly, in the water and out." What and who, evidently. Vaguely, Ai wonders what Haruka must be doing now.
And he's about to make another quip at how logistically difficult and awkward his first time was on account of a rather ridiculous size difference, how they had spent more time laughing than sweating, how it played a small part in wanting to bulk up in second year, but.
It isn't that Ai purposefully wants to keep the information from Rin; it's only that he isn't sure Sousuke would want it to be known. And either Rin is a very good liar (Ai knows he isn't), or Sousuke truly hadn't confided in Rin either. Which comes to Ai as a bit of a shock, if he's honest. Ultimately though, after staring blankly at Rin for an uncomfortable few seconds, Ai decides he trusts both men enough to just be forthright.
But god, his face very nearly rivals Rin's hair in colour.
"Yes." He pauses, as if to silently apologize for giving Rin the mental image. "It was Sousuke-senpai." Ai scratches his cheek right below his beauty mark, as if that might get his skin to cool down a bit. "Um-- please understand it wasn't my intention to hide it from you. At the time we never talked about these things... And I was only vague now out of consideration for Sousuke-senpai. But we're still friendly, and still talk all the time. We just don't-- do that anymore." Sousuke found a way to move on. Ai found better ways to cope.
And then he jumps a bit when Rin bites back at his question, immediately shaking his head, "No! Of course not! Why would it be? Besides, it isn't as if we,"
"."
Now he's shaking his head and waving his hand, "Well!! If you ask me, both is fine! So what does it matter if it feels good, right?"
He knew it. He fucking knew it. He wants to call it like he sees it, accuse Ai and Sousuke of covering up their little tryst (??? is that the right word for it?? whatever). Rin just stares at Ai, mouth slightly agape.
His best friend, and his ex-roommate/very good friend were fucking and he didn't know? Rin bites his lip. Well it wasn't like he was very forthcoming that Haru was screwing him sideways either. But that was besides the point. Ai quickly tacks on that he isn't trying to hide anything, was merely being considerate and Rin is still bristling at finding out like this. He glares over at Ai, and huffs.
"You guys should have told me. What the fuck?" It lacks the bite of anything serious. But everything falls into place, and it all makes sense now. All those late nights of Sousuke not getting in until fuck o'clock, every excuse in the book. Why wouldn't Sousuke want to tell him? Was he ashamed, or...
He instead chooses to retort to Ai's backpedaling. A silent you better watch it lacing his tone.
"That's what I thought." Rin grits, tossing his book at Ai in a much more light manner this go around.
Dodged! Ai will take a million books to the chest if it means Rin will continue to be too heated to notice Ai slipping. He threatens himself to sleep well tonight so as not to make the same mistakes again.
Besides, Rin is being chronically unfair about something else right now, which earns him a stern glower and pout from Ai, who fumbles but catches Rin's book and holds it in his lap.
"You never once told me about Nanase-san. Not even when I asked." And he asked a lot, always concerned for Rin, and always trying to protect himself too. He continues, "Who knows why Sousuke-senpai didn't want to tell you? I can only speak for myself. It didn't seem like something you'd be interested in." Maybe from Sousuke, but certainly not from Ai; he didn't consider his comings-and-goings pertinent enough to Rin's interests circa ~three years ago. And for Sousuke's part, he can only speculate. Maybe Sousuke really was embarrassed over the whole ordeal - or, knowing Ai's dilemma, didn't want to spill to Rin and risk opening that can of worms. No matter which way one looks at it, they are a bit of an odd pair.
Rin balks. There was a time when the only accountability he ever held was when Ai called him out on shit. After High School, that dissolved into holding himself accountable for things. Easy when you're emotionally detached from everyone and everything around you. Easier still when you gaslight yourself into thinking you're back in your home country.
But Ai is right. And Rin sinks his teeth into his lip.
"Alright, alright. I got it. Christ." He bites back, pulling his arm down to drape over his face, covering his eyes. It wasn't fair. Ai had constantly asked him about Haru. Sousuke too. Rin didn't want to touch whatever was going on between Sousuke and Haru with a ten foot pole. But Ai's curiousity seemed innocent enough at the time. Brought to fruition out of concern more than anything. Or so Rin speculated.
"Maybe I'm a normal person, and like hearing when my friends have life changing experiences. Sue me." He rolls his eyes painfully hard, dragging his arm down to sling over his chest. The awkward silence that trails is painfully obvious. And Rin knows he caused it, so he tries to just dip his toes back into whatever playful banter they at least had for the last few minutes. Even if remembering some of the more intimate details of his life prove to be painful.
They still happened. They were part of him now, and he should accept that piece of himself. He sighs.
"Sousuke ever let you fuck him?" Rin says carelessly, like he was talking to Ai about the weather. "He always talked about wanting to try."
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Date: 2025-07-13 04:35 am (UTC)Boys don't cry.
They don't cry when they're woken up in the middle of a nap alone to a haunting call. They don't cry when they're forced to deliver the worst news in the world to their mother. They don't cry when they have to take care of their sister, and mother and pretend like everything is fine. They don't need pity.
Rin's nails dig painfully into his palms. He tries to keep himself in check. Ai has always been his painfully kind voice of reason. That little angel on his shoulder reminding him to keep his feelings in check, and be kind and--
Rin hasn't even been here for a night, and he feels like he's monumentally fucked everything up completely. The way he can feel Ai roll onto the floor next to him, tossing an arm over his gaze. Being so kind like Rin is something precious, something that deserves to be treated as such. Rin's never made it a secret that certain topics shove him over the edge. It's why he teeters away from them so frequently.
But he dove right into this thinking he was ready. He was wrong, so so wrong.
"Yeah, right." That bitter tone encompasses a soft laugh slipping past his lips. His eyes land on that book, that precious thing to him. And he chucks it against the wall. It's like Ai is insinuating he go back to Australia. Right of course. Nobody wants him here. What a fucking joke. What a mistake to think this would work out so easily. Rin thought he had changed. But apparently not in the grand scheme of things.
The book smacks against the wall.
"Don't worry, it's obvious it's just a safer option there anyways." Rin grits his teeth, looking over his shoulder at Ai. It's a hard expression to read. Even Rin himself doesn't know exactly what he's feeling beyond the blood boiling every which way. But then Ai drops that fucking bomb, one that Rin feels like he wasn't supposed to be privy to.
So long as you're here, you have a safe launch pad". He almost chokes on his spit, because what the actual fuck? Rin rolls over in an instant, giving Ai a heavy look.
"That's it? Not gonna call me gross or anything?" He's compartmentalizing, he knows he is. But he's damn near shaking from the intensity of the conversation. Being forced to look at everything again in a new perspective, so achingly close to everything--everyone--again. Rin scoffs. He's on another planet at this point. Absolutely grasping for straws, in thinking Ai means one thing when he truly means another.
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Date: 2025-07-13 04:56 am (UTC)First, breaths. There had been a right jolt of adrenaline at the loud thud! of Rin's book. Don't worry, it's obvious it's just a safer option there anyways. Ai realizes in an instant what direction Rin had taken his words, and it's Ai's first instinct with a clear head to clarify--
"Rin-senpai, I never--"
-- but Rin's mind just keeps going, and Ai watches in real time as that unreadable darkness morphs into something far more intimidating.
Ai's left to stare, bewildered and hurt. He sits up fully now, as if to give himself the leverage of talking to Rin in such a direct and contrarian way; a literal high road. His expression perfectly teeters between fearful and affronted.
"Why would I? Senpai, you're here because I wanted you to be." It's Ai's turn to dig crescent bites into his palm, white-knuckled, toeing a fine line against sentiments he'd rather be kept sealed all the way shut. A sincerity backs his words and with it a gravitas; it's like tapping into a forbidden magic, the kind that corrupts slowly the more it is used. "Because I missed having you around. If it were up to me, you would stay here as long as I do." His eyebrows knit in the middle of his forehead.
"You can go ahead and feel guilty for taking up space, but I'm going to give it to you anyway." Then, slowly, Ai rises to his feet. Doesn't say a single damn word as he walks across the room to fetch the book Rin's just launched across it; there's a scuff mark on the wall. Ai looks over Rin's book to make sure it isn't damaged - a small bend on the very top of its spine but nothing serious - before padding back over, squatting in front of Rin, and handing the book back to him.
Softly, "At least aim at me next time. You'll upset the neighbors otherwise."
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Date: 2025-07-13 05:19 am (UTC)The blond boy in the red trunks is holding your head underwater because he is trying to kill you, and you deserve it, you do, and you know this, and you are ready to die in this swimming pool because you wanted to touch his hands and lips and this means your life is over anyway.
Over. And over. And over. And over again.
It's always been true. It's so obvious. How cultivated for this type of behavior he is. Something stoked underneath layers of masks, things that so easily slip and crack. Rin can barely hear Ai's reassurance, that it isn't like that. The same reassurance that fell on deaf ears when he thought he broke his hand against the vending machine.
And why can't it fucking work this time? Why can't someone's gentle reassurance soothe him? Why is it always hanging onto old words, things that shouldn't matter. Stupid boys and locker room talk and derogatory terms that ended up being so disgustingly true. He's trying to suck in deep breaths through his teeth, trying to will the shaking in his shoulders away.
Why does somebody like Ai want someone like him here? It starts with a single tear. And then a few more. Bitter, angry things dripping down his face, leaving a hot sting in their wake.
"I don't--" He spits out, though it comes out as more of a choke. "I'm not. Gonna fucking hit you." He wouldn't. Couldn't. But those angry tears still slip out one at a time. It's nonsensical, like Rin doesn't even know what he's trying to say.
Because Ai offers him that olive branch. And Rin wants to puke. He tries scrubbing at his face, snatching his book back and shoving it back underneath his pillow. A sanctuary from his anger. The only safe place. He wishes Ai would leave, and just give himself that safe space in turn. But Rin gripes with himself, and grits out.
"Because everyone thinks for some reason I--" He chokes off the last of that response. He can't bring himself to say it. His tone is so angry, and he just. "Why the fuck is it such a big deal? Why does everyone assume the worst, just because someone likes dick? It's like after that you can't exist in the same fucking space or something."
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Date: 2025-07-13 05:51 am (UTC)Suddenly it all makes sense. What to Ai had been an obvious reality was to Rin an overwhelming, excruciating burden. Ai never in a million years would have assumed so much of Rin's anguish to be tied up in something so-- pedestrian. So human. So not specific. A grief Ai understands, and learned to internalize at a younger age - a privilege afforded to him, perhaps, on account of his smaller stature. For him, he had a secondary social script to fall back on, to use as a shield against words that hurt because they're true.
Rin was different. He was tall, and strong, and confident, and not meant to be torn down in such a way. And Rin at his core was someone who felt everything very deeply. Ai understands all in one instant an entirely different picture of the past four-to-five years of anguish, outbursts, hurt, cut words and aborted conversations. Ai had taken it for granted when he shouldn't have. Add in a healthy dose of heartbreak on Rin's part, or so Ai suspects, and...
Ai keeps his hands to himself. He so badly just wants to take Rin and fold him against his chest, press his head to his shoulder, reassure Rin in all the ways Ai would hope to be reassured. Touched; reminded he isn't dirty. But he knows Rin, and knows he'll make it known when he wants that kind of comfort. Ai instead has the much harder job of choosing his words.
He titters.
"If I thought any of that I'd be a hypocrite." And for a different reason entirely, he is one anyway. Ai clears his throat somewhat awkwardly then, entirely unclear what kind of landmines he's stepping on but thinking that bridging that gap and letting Rin know he isn't alone without making it about himself is the only way forward, "And besides. Nanase-san became a frequent enough fixture that it was normal between us anyway." Him and Rin, he means. As if to say how little he gave Rin's sexuality any thought; a foregone conclusion. "If you read my journals from first year, you'd be beside yourself."
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Date: 2025-07-13 02:08 pm (UTC)He stammers before Ai has even finished, apologies for things that don't even exist outside of Rin's head fresh on his tongue.
"I--Sorry, sorry. I wasn't trying..."
Wasn't trying what exactly? He can't pinpoint it. But he feels like he maybe overstepped in a few places. Rin's teasing words can sometimes come off as other things. And if Ai gets it, says it would make him a hypocrite... Does Ai think that Rin's trying-- His face burns.
Natsuya's words sting in that moment though. Wow, adulterous. Just how many guys do you want to swim with? And it comes crashing down. All culminated in a hot, wave of shame as Ai finished out in the same second.
Why did he try so hard to pretend it wasn't a thing? Despite all the signs that were there. And it's clear Ai didn't miss them. Did everyone else notice? Were those boys so long ago right? Was he that easy--
"...how? I--" Because Ai is talking about Haru now, and that stirs up a panic. Frequent enough? So did that mean? Rin tries swallowing around the obnoxious lump settling in his throat. His hand is fumbling for something to cling to, and the only thing he can think of is grabbing at Ai's sleeve. It's grounding in whatever this is.
You'd be beside yourself. And if those aren't the most terrifying words he's ever been presented with. He tries to scoff, but it falls flat. Rin's hand shakes. "Why are you talking about Haru??" As if the answer isn't obvious.
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Date: 2025-07-13 03:22 pm (UTC)Knows Rin didn't think of him that way. He didn't need the reminder, and was just as eager as Rin to push past that sentiment as fast as possible.
Ai just. Stares. Heart leaden in his chest. It's a kind stare, very very cognizant to not let his own internal turmoil boil over and paint his face. He's gotten so very good at that while with Rin. But on his end, he's stunned into silence. Even now, even now, cards laid bare on the table, Rin is trying to explain away-- something. And that isn't what upset Ai; he has all the patience in the world to reach a middle ground with Rin, to come to understand him better and wait for Rin to do the same in return. To grow that confidence.
Ai is hung up on the fact that someone or someones has pushed Rin so far that this is his knee-jerk reaction to something so inconsequential. Ai may as well have just accused him of cheating, or having stolen a large sum of money; not revealing they're on the same team. It makes his heart shatter. All the problems he thinks he can fix with just the right words and the right amount of compassion-- suddenly, it's all an uphill battle. Rin's adversities vastly outperforms Ai's blip on Rin's radar of life. Ai swallows; now is really not the time to be ruminating and fixated upon how useless he feels.
Rin's grabbing his sleeve, and Ai crosses his opposite arm to smooth over Rin's hand with his thumb. That same simple attempt at acknowledging him without forcing anything more or less. And in this instance, it's serving to ground Ai, too. The panic in Rin's voice so suddenly...
Ai's voice is measured in a calm, quiet lull. "I-- um. Sorry. I guess I misinterpreted." No, Ai knows he didn't. But if he gives Rin the space to correct the record on his own, it also gives him a chance to acknowledge the demon in his head... Or so is Ai's gamble. He tacks on quickly as if to try and cut the tension and expectation, "Or maybe I was hopeful? At the time. Thinking I'd made a friend who was like me."
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Date: 2025-07-13 05:37 pm (UTC)He thinks he understands the out Ai is giving him. But that soft brush of skin, the trace of AI’s thumb over his skin tells another story. It reminds him of the kindness he has spared others so easily. For all their transgressions. Why can’t he allow himself that same thing?
Rin bites his lip, grip tightening on AI’s shirt. He swallows, swiping his tongue over his lips. Because for once words seem completely lost. Even a stammering influx of non cohesive words and thoughts seems lost.
But he tries. Rin tries because Ai is trying, and deserves reciprocation in the kindest form. It doesn’t bother him that Ai is coming out to him. There’s relief. That somebody else gets it. And if Rin had the same experience, surely Ai has had similarities.
”No. You didn’t…” Ai pegged him. It’s fine. It’s not bad apparently. There’s kindred spirits in this quiet apartment.
Theres only one reason Ai could be bringing up Haru like that. He tries to save that for later because he can feel that…
”It doesn’t bother me.” He sighs, unable to meet AI’s gaze. But he doesn’t rip his hand away either. Grateful for the reassuring brush of physical contact for once. “Sorry. For freaking out. It’s nothing bad. Being—“ he can’t bring himself to say the word. But he hopes Ai gets the insinuation.
Even though he dimly thinks it’s fine for everyone except him. Aspiring Olympian. Unable to even know if his dad would approve.
Rin just laughs through the tears. Because it feels so stupid. Why does it fucking matter? Why is it only him?
”You’ve got the patience of a saint you know.” He huffs, sweeping his own thumb across Ai’s arm.
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Date: 2025-07-13 06:01 pm (UTC)"You once took a journal from me while I was mid-sentence about these kinds of things, and I felt my blood run cold. So I get it." It's a loose fit - the page being very specific to Rin was more the reason for Ai's panic at the time. But still, the principle stands, and Rin doesn't need to know specifics.
And just like that - the traitorous, damned beast that is his instinct. Skin alighting with goosebumps at the pad of Rin's thumb, a molten heat dribbling down the back of his throat past his lungs and right into his core. How much would Rin backtrack and rescind if he knew? Despite himself, Ai simpers, the smile teetering on the edge of bittersweet.
"If our circumstances were reversed, I'd like to think you'd take care of me too. It isn't patience," it is, "It's just being a friend." He swallows thick. And then laughs softly in a sudden moment of self-awareness, "At least there's no ladder to keep climbing up and down this time to see where you're at. My calves will thank me in the morning."
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Date: 2025-07-13 08:23 pm (UTC)It's besides the point now, unfortunately. It does no good for Rin to mentally beat himself over prior transgressions that literally don't hold merit anymore. Because Ai is right. Friendship is give and take. Rin could put himself into his roommate's shoes, and would do the same a thousand times over. Because that's basic kindness right? He's oblivious to the happenings that the pad of his thumb is causing, however. Which might be less than kind. But he's grateful for the point of contact in the obliviousness.
Rin can't force himself to meet Ai's gaze, however. Eye contact being notoriously difficult in emotionally charged moments of vulnerability. But he can let a small laugh slip loose at the sound of Ai's, even if the tension hasn't necessarily dissipated.
"I hate bunk beds." He admits stupidly, his free arm tossing itself over his eyes. That shield, pretending his tears simply don't exist and it makes it easier to excuse the lack of eye contact. Because there's an elephant in the room now, and Rin doesn't think he can just pretend there wasn't the insinuation.
"...Ai." He grits out, trying to keep his voice level. And from a self deprecating spiral into sobbing at the prospect of him somehow outing himself. His fingers tighten on Ai, slipping from just the fabric of his shirt to his arm. "Why did you bring up Haru?" He asks it again. Because it's the thing everyone seems to fixate on. It's the thing those fucking boys latched onto, and used as collateral for their cruelty.
But he also tacks on (because he suddenly feels very small, and doesn't want this conversation to solely revolve around him). "...when did you know? About you, that is."
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Date: 2025-07-13 08:39 pm (UTC)Then Rin calls his name, and Ai knows some kind of loaded question is coming. In the scant time between that and Rin's actual question, Ai's mind races a thousand thoughts a second. Is this it? Is the mirage over? Am I done for? There's no way. I was so careful. He'll want to move out. It's over. It comes as a relief to instead hear Rin ask about Haruka. If Rin's perceptive, he might even see the way Ai's shoulders had stiffened and then relax to near-gelatinous once the question is actually posed.
The answer is simple and doesn't need dressing, and Ai trusts Rin not to throw a second tantrum in one night. So Ai weasels a hand under Rin's to gently pry it away from his bicep; instead, Ai guides Rin's hand to the top of his own thigh, where Ai is loosely kneeling in front of Rin still, and pats Rin's hand with both of his own. Makes it inexplicably clear that Ai has zero hang-ups about any of this, and what his priority is.
"In first year, I assumed you had feelings for him." Ai rolls his eyes up in thought for a moment, and then it's his turn to not be able to make eye contact; a spot on the floor between them is suddenly very interesting. "I know what yearning looks like, so I took a guess. That's all." And then he quickly amends before Rin can get any thoughts in his head, "It didn't bother me at all. It just made me worry sometimes whether or not you were alright."
Asked about his own experience, well. Ai laughs again, but the noise is poignantly bittersweet.
"Middle school? I think. I was scolded for sending a note to one of the other boys on Valentine's Day despite that being sensei's prompt." Ai then shrugs, "And I put a word to it in high school a little after we met." He leaves out the grittier details; the unfortunate, borderline violent stories he is willing to wager they both share.
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Date: 2025-07-13 09:57 pm (UTC)He sucks in a shuddering breath. Focusing on the expanding of his lungs, as opposed to the boiling in his blood, that fresh, hot wave of shame building needlessly. It's stuffed into a corner temporarily. Because he latches onto that little phrase. Even if only for a moment. I know what yearning looks like. Rin wonders if that's from personal experience or--
Ai's touch is warm on his hands, and he doesn't snatch the appendage away despite feeling self conscious at needing something like coddling. It's nothing new to Ai. Ai has seen Rin at his lowest. Through nightmares, and toxicity with his own mindset.
But he posits not to answer it with anything, not at first. Instead latching onto Ai's words. Because addressing some of those things, sharing those details of your life can be challenging. And Rin knows Ai did the same, and just wants to offer the same courtesy in exchange. Despite not knowing some of the more painful details behind it. It's quiet for a moment, before Rin continues.
"...yeah. You were right." He sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. The small sting a carefully constructed distraction. "Sort of why talking about Australia sets me off. That last trip before graduation mostly."
But back into Ai territory. Not because he's not willing to talk about it right now, but because he wants him to feel heard as well. "That's shit. I'm sorry."
Assignments shouldn't be contingent on gender like that. While the violent stories are silent, they're far from forgotten. It's likely Ai has experienced some of the same cruelties though. A pang of regret settles in him at the prospect of the Samezuka team having had anything to do with the instances. Most of the boys were kind, and Seijuro would have beat the pulp out of anyone bad mouthing a member of their team. But behind closed doors, well. Anything is fair game.
"Sounds like that was sort of the year everyone found themselves, I guess."
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Date: 2025-07-13 10:15 pm (UTC)And he feels filthy. Disgusting and full to the brim of self-loathing for the undue relief and hope it gives him. Like a sick vulture. The part of him buried low and deep, gasping for air. Ai wrings his eyes shut, tells his heart to shut up, and instead taps into that which is closer to the surface: his sympathy for Rin. His sadness that Rin is hurting so much. These more manageable things that he could deign to solve because they were not inherently his problems.
Belatedly, "I'm sorry." Not just for what Ai thinks is love lost, but for having to endure all of that from A to Z all alone.
Rin's quip has Ai lolling his head with a simper. And his cheeks heat at the implications of what comes next, "Not that I got up to much in first year, but." He clears his throat. "Difficult to navigate, honestly. I wasted so much time trying to be the last one in the locker room so I could be alone, or first one to practice to change alone. It was the small things." It was self-defense. Sheepishly, he dares to look at Rin again. "Never in our room, though. Things were fine in room two-ten... I could drop those pretenses around you." I wasn't scared.
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Date: 2025-07-14 09:39 pm (UTC)Because Ai's admission that their room was some sort of a sanctuary softened the blow. Maybe that was at least something he could offer people. Semblances of understanding, and quiet sympathies. It was obvious Ai clung onto that year spent together. Knowing he wasn't alone, and there were other people like him.
Rin understands. Painfully. Navigating a world of sports dominated by men, a boarding school rife with expectations and having to share rooms and beds and showers with other boys, never knowing who could be judging you or checking you out. He sighs.
"Glad I at least did an okay job with that." It wasn't all bad, that first year. But Rin was so constantly on edge he felt like Ai bore the brunt of that far more frequently than he should have. It's not meant to guilt or self deprecate. Just acknowledge the fact.
He feels too exhausted to sleep, but too exhausted to stray away from all of this. Leaving it so open feels wrong. And besides, Rin doesn't think he could sleep anyways. He's too on edge, too wrought from sobbing and fear. He just pries instead, because he wants to listen. Maybe it will hide the shake in his voice, that hint of exhaustion at being awake for so long.
"Did you ever uh, you know." The implication is clear.
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Date: 2025-07-14 10:00 pm (UTC)He knows it isn't his to fix. But he can still try; remain present, as always.
"You helped me a lot with English, too. You were very good at that." It's a tease, because he wants to try and get Rin out of his head a little. He remembers being so fixated back then on watching Rin's mouth shape out every syllable, slow and deliberate so Ai could understand--
Rin's subsequent question hits his psyche for critical damage what with where his brain had just wandered. Immediately Ai blinks owlishly and feels his heart leap up into his throat. He's also painfully aware he still has Rin's hand on his thigh, and is unsure if keeping it hostage or relinquishing it would be a worse look right now. So senpai's curious about this kind of stuff after all...
"Yes." And he's quick to shake his head, "Um, but never in our room-- never in first year." His mouth gapes, then closes. Unsure how much detail was appropriate, or what Rin's motive for asking even was. Never mind the absolute nuke that would be the detail of who Ai's first was. Would Rin look at him differently? Does he now? Does it count if it was his own hand, mere feet above Rin, wishing it was something else entirely?
"Did you, senpai?" He desperately needs the attention off him - a seemingly mutual feeling as they ping-pong their vulnerability back and forth. Ai's pretty sure it's a foregone conclusion anyway. Just look at Rin; he could get anyone he wants, and Ai is pretty damn sure he's heard something once or twice.
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Date: 2025-07-14 10:28 pm (UTC)His hand on Ai's thigh suddenly feels awkward, and he gently pulls it back to run his fingers through his hair. Grounding or whatever, even though he's literally the one that started this conversation. Ever the supportive roommate. He can feel his nails dig into his own scalp a bit.
Did you?
And how the hell is he supposed to answer that? Rin awkwardly stays clammed up for a bit, his lips twisting into some frown as he stares at a patch on the floor again. But finally, some words slip out. Things he would like to forget, but simply can't.
"Yeah. Couple of times." He tries to brush it off casually.
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Date: 2025-07-14 10:46 pm (UTC)He hums his assent. Couple of times seems normal - was it with just Haruka? Or has Rin explored otherwise? Ai's curiosity gnaws at him, but he just can't bring himself to outright ask. Half part prudishness, half part something green he doesn't want to give a name. But he figured if he wants to take, he has to give first. For a brief moment he flashes his eyes over Rin, before continuing to study the far wall again.
"It wasn't until near the end of second year, actually. Right before you graduated." He tilts his head in gesture. "And we weren't dating. It was more a thing of convenience." Of unburdening a weight they both carried; it was very, very good while it lasted. "But it must feel different, right? When it's with that someone."
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Date: 2025-07-14 10:58 pm (UTC)The evening has been a steady back and forth of sharing--secrets? Maybe that's too shameful a word to attach to these things. It's nothing to hide, just things that maybe two people don't share outright. Rin can't put a name to it.
Ai revealing it's second year though makes Rin still for a moment. He was beaten down with responsibilities that year, scouting offers, outperforming himself to desperately show the world what he could do. But he remembers too, the quieter moments. Knowing Ai was down in the pool at all hours, trying to do his best. He remembers seeing Sousuke there with him, for so many long nights.
And Rin pauses.
There were times Sousuke seemed blatantly absent throughout that year. Knowing what Rin knows now, he chalked it up to agonizing over his lost career, his lost dreams. Sulking around campus like he had everything to hide. Rin had known throughout the year he was keeping secrets. But at the end of the year, he just assumed it was his shoulder. But now a little voice in the back of his mind, one of the more intuitive thoughts, strays towards it. Before he drops it, because there's no way. Right?
But something in him drops, because appearances are easier to keep than telling the truth. How many things do people hide from him, because they think he might be too emotional? He shoves it aside again, internalizing something that says he's being stupid and he's way too tired to be thinking this hard right now.
So he coughs a little instead, trying to find the words. Because how the hell can someone just ask something like that? So carefree and easy? Was that Haru? That person? The one Rin had chased after for so many years, and then...
"Sometimes... that someone might feel like it in the moment. Even if they're not."
Rin wonders if he was just a thing for Haru's convenience. That claws at him. And he doesn't want to show Ai that rawness that still stings, even after all this time. He tries to be casual again, resting his elbow on the floor and propping his head up. His gaze falls on one of the bookshelves, his tone a little lighter.
"Told you you were trouble. Come on, don't be modest. More than once? You must have been pretty good."
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Date: 2025-07-14 11:21 pm (UTC)Rin's more practical question barely lands on him, he's so singularly stuck on that thought. Unfortunately - or fortunately? - for him, the heat that now burns from his ears down to his clavicle rips his attention back to the present. A solid second or two after the colour has overtaken his face does Ai finally balk, waving his hand furiously in front of his face.
"It... Lasted for a time, yes. But how can I possibly know that? That's for someone else to decide, isn't it?" He swallows thickly, a hand rubbing at his nape as if he could rub the heat away. "It felt good, and it was fun. I guess it'd be pretty impossible not to learn a thing or two along the way..."
A pause. And then in a sudden rush, the steam has pushed past his esophagus and is now tripping over his tongue faster than he can swallow it back down.
"Was it worth it?" he asks, so-- pointedly. "Knowing you're not being met in the middle. Did you still enjoy it?"
no subject
Date: 2025-07-14 11:34 pm (UTC)Normal.
"Hey man, good for you." Rin laughs, the first genuine sound out of him in the last hour. He can be happy for friends finding things like that. Sex isn't bad. Far from it. Especially tangled up in the confines of school and growing up, there's some comfort in sharing those things with another person. Something Rin knew all too well.
The question throws him off a little. But he tries to remain open to sharing, because Ai clearly just played the share game with him and Rin needs to be the one to meet him in the middle too. He's already crashing at his house, using his things, Ai paid for his dinner... Rin bites his lip, and lays on his back, staring up at the ceiling through outstretched fingertips raised above him.
"Well. At the time it felt like we were meeting in the middle." A sad smile warps his features. His eyes lid. "But... when it was right, when our timing lined up, it was like racing. You know that moment in the water when everything is all weightless and you can't hear anything? Just feeling your body syncing up with the water? Two hearts lock in, breaths sync. Nothing between you but that rythm."
Rin is romantic. Rin is sappy. Rin is a chump for not being more considerate about some of these details, but Ai asked and he's already succumbed to exhaustion so the words flow freer now. Much like when Natsuya would drown himself in beer.
"Like those lanes blurring and you're swimming together. It's dizzying. Feeling someone inside you, outside." Rin swallows, a sad laugh bubbling out. "But then it's gone. And you choke because you remember you're just one body again." He tries to shrug off the pain. It's not the first time he's felt it. And it certainly won't be the last.
"Even if it hurt. Even if I only got that feeling momentarily, it was fucking worth it."
no subject
Date: 2025-07-15 12:04 am (UTC)Multiple problems arise in the face of Rin's candid recollection, and all of Ai, in and out, has difficulty staying on the roller coaster. His first reaction is a shock and awe that Rin would be so candid with him; even if they're both older now, had always been somewhat close. They never dared bring up these types of topics back in Samezuka. On Ai's part, it was a means of tempering himself; if the topic was never breached, he never had to ruminate on it. The second wave is a symbiotic pain, hearing Rin's words and knowing they're all past tense. The third, an overwhelming envy. Not just for whom Rin shared it all with, but for the sheer fact he had the gall to pursue what he wanted anyway, circumstances be damned. The fourth, a sickening hope, one he far too instinctively tamps down quicker and easier than any other feeling that had washed over him.
Fifth and last is the painful self-awareness that he's growing hot under the collar.
Thankfully, on account of having once been a lovesick sixteen year old with too many hormones but even more patience and tenacity to spare, he's able to keep himself in check. But by god, Rin is not making it easy. Would he handle this conversation better if it wasn't taking place after such a long day, at such a late hour, so soon after he's seen Rin for the first time in years?
"I'm jealous," he finally says, with a lopsided smile and another rub of the back of his neck. "I never came close to anything like that... Maybe I'm a coward after all." He shifts so he's no longer sitting kneeling, and instead crosses his legs.
He clears his throat, "Don't-- don't get me wrong. The sex was good." The word finally out in the open, too. Sousuke treated him so well. "Really good. But it wasn't-- nothing about it was..." He pauses. Tilts his head. Figures using Rin's own analogy works best here,
"I wanted to drown. That's all. I wanted to feel so out of breath that I couldn't think about anything else afterward." He rubs his arms. "And then we'd finish, and reality would come back. As you could imagine, that sort of thing can't last very long. But for the time it did, it was nice."
Another pause, and that-- blank, lost, ruminating expression shifts into a much more present curiosity, and he's even looking at Rin sidelong.
"Senpai, do you like the bottom?"
no subject
Date: 2025-07-15 12:33 am (UTC)Because it's haunted him. Not in the bad, mocking way those american kids back in Australia were implying. But because throughout his return to Japan and subsequently dorming up in bunk-style settings, he's either been mocked or asked that question. Which has a loaded meaning and in Australia definitely fucking means something else. Rin bristles instinctively, swallowing down whatever that was and focusing instead on Ai's other words.
"Why would you be a coward?"
Rin presses. Ai has never struck him as that. Determined to do and get what he wants, and with the track record to prove it. There's that little tittering in the back of his head though, when Ai had begun describing the sex itself. That loaded question. The one he decides to go for, because it's a night of sharing and if he asks and Ai doesn't want to answer or Rin is wrong. Well.
"Wow. Really good is better than most of us got at that age, you know?" Rin tries to lighten the mood. "Our first time sucked."
"Was it someone I knew?" He presses curiously, casting a glance at Ai. He can get a pretty good read on people. And maybe Ai's expression will say everything. Not that Rin is forcing him into saying anything. Some secrets are better left unsaid. But Rin can't deny that faint spark of curiousity. The two people at Samezuka he was closest with. What would bring them together like that? Those late night practices...surely they talked.
About what?
But back to that stupid bottom, fucking... Rin licks his lips, and tries to swallow down another noise of anguish. Rin had said it after all. He fucking said it, and he knew he said it. There's no shame but. He's always put on that stupid facade. I'm Rin Matsuoka. I've got a girly name, but I'm definitely a boy. Don't make me prove it! That last one... never translated well in english. He shoves the embarrassing memory aside.
"That a problem?" It's a halfhearted hiss. Like a cat who got water dumped on it. Something that seems more himself than whatever this conversation has divulged into.
no subject
Date: 2025-07-15 12:50 am (UTC)And he's about to make another quip at how logistically difficult and awkward his first time was on account of a rather ridiculous size difference, how they had spent more time laughing than sweating, how it played a small part in wanting to bulk up in second year, but.
It isn't that Ai purposefully wants to keep the information from Rin; it's only that he isn't sure Sousuke would want it to be known. And either Rin is a very good liar (Ai knows he isn't), or Sousuke truly hadn't confided in Rin either. Which comes to Ai as a bit of a shock, if he's honest. Ultimately though, after staring blankly at Rin for an uncomfortable few seconds, Ai decides he trusts both men enough to just be forthright.
But god, his face very nearly rivals Rin's hair in colour.
"Yes." He pauses, as if to silently apologize for giving Rin the mental image. "It was Sousuke-senpai." Ai scratches his cheek right below his beauty mark, as if that might get his skin to cool down a bit. "Um-- please understand it wasn't my intention to hide it from you. At the time we never talked about these things... And I was only vague now out of consideration for Sousuke-senpai. But we're still friendly, and still talk all the time. We just don't-- do that anymore." Sousuke found a way to move on. Ai found better ways to cope.
And then he jumps a bit when Rin bites back at his question, immediately shaking his head, "No! Of course not! Why would it be? Besides, it isn't as if we,"
"."
Now he's shaking his head and waving his hand, "Well!! If you ask me, both is fine! So what does it matter if it feels good, right?"
no subject
Date: 2025-07-15 01:47 am (UTC)His best friend, and his ex-roommate/very good friend were fucking and he didn't know? Rin bites his lip. Well it wasn't like he was very forthcoming that Haru was screwing him sideways either. But that was besides the point. Ai quickly tacks on that he isn't trying to hide anything, was merely being considerate and Rin is still bristling at finding out like this. He glares over at Ai, and huffs.
"You guys should have told me. What the fuck?" It lacks the bite of anything serious. But everything falls into place, and it all makes sense now. All those late nights of Sousuke not getting in until fuck o'clock, every excuse in the book. Why wouldn't Sousuke want to tell him? Was he ashamed, or...
He instead chooses to retort to Ai's backpedaling. A silent you better watch it lacing his tone.
"That's what I thought." Rin grits, tossing his book at Ai in a much more light manner this go around.
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Date: 2025-07-15 01:59 am (UTC)Besides, Rin is being chronically unfair about something else right now, which earns him a stern glower and pout from Ai, who fumbles but catches Rin's book and holds it in his lap.
"You never once told me about Nanase-san. Not even when I asked." And he asked a lot, always concerned for Rin, and always trying to protect himself too. He continues, "Who knows why Sousuke-senpai didn't want to tell you? I can only speak for myself. It didn't seem like something you'd be interested in." Maybe from Sousuke, but certainly not from Ai; he didn't consider his comings-and-goings pertinent enough to Rin's interests circa ~three years ago. And for Sousuke's part, he can only speculate. Maybe Sousuke really was embarrassed over the whole ordeal - or, knowing Ai's dilemma, didn't want to spill to Rin and risk opening that can of worms. No matter which way one looks at it, they are a bit of an odd pair.
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Date: 2025-07-15 02:19 am (UTC)But Ai is right. And Rin sinks his teeth into his lip.
"Alright, alright. I got it. Christ." He bites back, pulling his arm down to drape over his face, covering his eyes. It wasn't fair. Ai had constantly asked him about Haru. Sousuke too. Rin didn't want to touch whatever was going on between Sousuke and Haru with a ten foot pole. But Ai's curiousity seemed innocent enough at the time. Brought to fruition out of concern more than anything. Or so Rin speculated.
"Maybe I'm a normal person, and like hearing when my friends have life changing experiences. Sue me." He rolls his eyes painfully hard, dragging his arm down to sling over his chest. The awkward silence that trails is painfully obvious. And Rin knows he caused it, so he tries to just dip his toes back into whatever playful banter they at least had for the last few minutes. Even if remembering some of the more intimate details of his life prove to be painful.
They still happened. They were part of him now, and he should accept that piece of himself. He sighs.
"Sousuke ever let you fuck him?" Rin says carelessly, like he was talking to Ai about the weather. "He always talked about wanting to try."
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