for @buttterfly - post-tfln

[taeru]

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[buttterfly]

They're scummy, but I don't think so...

[but that's just it. rin doesn't know. he doesn't know. okay yeah him and ai having some faded bruising on their necks and him tanking for no apparent reason doesn't look. great. but even then it would take a trained eye. and all this speculative nonsense conjured in the span of a single night? what kind of super human freaks are these journalists?

ai's touch is gentle, but rin stiffens under it regardless. he doesn't feel he deserves such kindness. it's not meant for something like them, someone who's going to get them all disqualified from the olympic team at this rate. his breath stutters, and he white knuckles the edges of the sink as he near dry heaves over it]

...so what do we do? Just sit on it? Ignore it?

[it's so tempting to call back, give them a piece of his fucking mind. but attacking the press, even verbally, isn't a good look because that's just another admission of guilt right? and rin knows he's guilty of it all. he bites his lip between the heaves. how is ai so calm? christ]

What if they fucking kick us off the team?

[it's so easy to fly straight into the worst case scenario. rin starts prattling off every which way]

If I fucking get you, us, anyone...kicked off the fucking team, jesus christ I.

[he literally doesn't know what he'll do. that panicked gaze peaks to the corner of his eye, settling on ai. he finally vocalizes]

How...how are you so calm??

[taeru]

Well, that's...

[Ai's gut would be to ignore it. But something about the way Endoh-san had said it to him makes him worry; it sounded as if they were already planning to run a piece, and whether or not Rin and-or Ai chose to add their two cents was incidental. Ai knows Rin knows this, but also knows it's not exactly a great thing to spell out, yet still has to be said regardless. Ai's free hand runs through his hair for a moment; an oddly out of character attempt at stress relief.]

They're going to run a piece on us anyway. That much is out of our control. So we can either give statements and stand by what we say, or we can ignore it completely and endure it for a little while.

[He exhales silently, strongly, through his nose.]

I don't get why they'd come to us directly instead of going through at least your coach.

[Or even the Japan team's management, considering that would now be their umbrella. It hadn't even been long enough for any of that to be finalized.

Ai looks at Rin sternly, suddenly, when mentions of being kicked off the team are brought up. He grips Rin's shoulder strongly, imploring him with sky blue eyes.]

That won't happen. It absolutely won't. There's no league rules that have been broken. If the committee removed every athlete that had a hit piece, they'd have no one to swim for them at all.

[His hand grips Rin's jaw and cheek, now. A bold touch but one he feels is necessary; he leans closer, making sure Rin's purview is nothing but him.]

This isn't your fault, Rin-senpai.

[How are you so calm?? That determination wavers, for a moment. Ai leans back just a little, steeled expression replaced with a vulnerable simper.] I'm not. But I have no choice but to endure it, now. [A too-common sentiment, one he's only ever verbalized as words on a page... He takes in a slow breath, exhales it through his nose. Leans away to give Rin some space, but is looking to Rin's phone.] Did they try calling you again? [Ai didn't see what Rin had looked at, just that he had looked at all.]

[buttterfly]

[his breath lodges in his throat, at ai's bolden touch. his shoulder. his face. rin damn near jerks away, but he's frozen in place. his mind goes to the depths, tells him there's one way to not feel like this again and it's exactly what caused this whole fucking mess in the first place. he stiffens, almost sobs at ai to either let him go or close the distance--

but ai does the hard work, and pulls back. rin slacks a little, his breath stuttering from the moment]

How many scandals can one guy fucking rack up though, before it's too much?

[his tone is borderline laughter, a cruel thing directed towards himself. but he tries to force himself to breathe. because ai is right, when isn't ai right about these things? he has this super power to think logically and god what rin wouldn't give for it, in something like this...

ai inquires further about his phone, and rin just shakily fumbles for it, shoving it at ai's chest. it feels like poison in his hands, and suddenly he doesn't want anything to do with it. a stupid notion, but logic is in short supply in a time like this]

I. Haru and Ikuya... I think they talked to them?

[that's the part that doesn't make sense to him, has his brain funneling through the possibilities. they said something about the marks on him and ai right? but didn't they say something about others... he shoves the thought away. he sucks in a deep breath, holds it for a moment before letting it rattle out of his lungs. tries. fails. tries. fails less]

...so just ignore it. That's really the logical answer?

[it seems so hard to believe. rin glances around the apartment. somehow the prospect of people knowing where they live is a little frightening. he'll make a mental note to close the curtains whenever they finish this conversation, lock the doors... he'll probably start wearing a hat and hood when he goes out now. it's unnerving]

[taeru]

[Ai's a hypocrite. Because under his calm - at least composed - exterior, under his professional role as the stalwart and dutiful junior who is omnipresent with endless depths of compassion and trust, underneath all of those good things,

is a hypocrite who thought the same damned thing. How easy it'd be to close in just a little more.

A thought there and gone, and so potently shameful to think at a time like this that Ai might be the one genuinely self-flagellating later for once. He nearly fumbles when Rin all but shoves his phone at Ai, who again, traitorously feels a prick of heat at the back of his neck. Senpai's phone...

Under any other circumstance, he might be singing. Right now, he's opening the texts as clearly implored to do, and reads them - and only them, doing Rin the favour of not backreading, especially not with Haruka. His shoulders fall just a little.]

Kirishima-senpai says they called him, and it sounds like Nanase-san was contacted too. He's asking if you're okay. [Ai gently places the phone face-down on the countertop.] I don't understand. Something about it all seems very suspicious... Maybe we could ask uncle Mikhail to run those agents' names.

[Ai swallows thickly around a knot in his throat. Presses the side of his knuckle to his lips, trying to think it all through as straight as he can despite the overwhelming amounts of fog and panic and distractions.]

... I don't think I'll be justifying their request with a reply. It's up to you whether or not you do the same.

[Does Rin have enemies? Does Ai have enemies? Were they being followed, surveilled? Too many unanswered questions. Ai knows no matter what, there's going to be chatter. Well. Several years spent as a svelte and vulnerable boy among sharks has prepared him for this, he guesses. He's gripping his own wrist tight and close to his chest, trying to stay his god damn nerves so his hands would stop vibrating.]

[buttterfly]

[it's only sensible to ignore them. how many takedown pieces go ignored by the general public? probably more than read them. but then, the panicked piece of his brain swells again, arguing that how many people actually do get cancelled over less? rin's hand instinctively jerks up to his neck, the bruising mostly faded but still lingering.

it feels like the bruises burn under his fingertips.

rin tries to get a hang of his breathing. how far is he going to drag people down with the repercussions of one single, stupid mistake? how many people are going to get dragged through the mud in the process? he finally peels himself away from the counter, leaning back against it instead. one hand tangles through his hair, pulling just enough for a little pressure.

just to feel something self inflicting, beyond all this gloom and doom]

I... no. I won't either.

[he glances guiltily down at his phone, speculation floods him. coupled with guilt. his thumb brushes over the screen. two more people, him and ai... how many other people are going to be dragged into this? a hot well of fresh shame floods him as he thinks of sousuke. will they contact him as well? have they? it's no guess that the two of them are close]

Yeah. I'll text Mikhail.

[rin bites his lip, taking in a stuttering breath]

Shit, sorry. For whatever this is.

[taeru]

[It's a thought, on the back of Ai's mind. And it nags and jabs and mocks him, every self-deprecating shadow of himself possible rearing to full height to remind him of how pathetic he is.

To have thought Rin wanted him.

And if Ai had just read the room a little better, had hoped a little less, they wouldn't be here right now. Rin wouldn't be tugging at his hair like he's reprimanding himself, wouldn't have been dry-heaving over a sink, wouldn't be on the verge of full-blown panic. Wouldn't have tanked yesterday, wouldn't have cried as much. Wouldn't have looked at Ai with that-- fear in his eyes.

He needs to do something otherwise he'll burst and scream, and so Ai goes to the small storage closet to get a broom, bringing it into the kitchen.]

Senpai, it's alright. Either way, I share half the blame. [For all his self-deprecation, a sudden determination overwhelms his expression, conjured from somewhere deeper. He finds Rin's eyes, even if Rin doesn't find his.]

We'll get through this. Like we have so many times before.

[It pricks the back of his head, a thought. Errant and selfish. But the words pour from his lips before he can filter it--]

And if you feel you can't, then rely on me.

[buttterfly]

[rely on me.

rin's throat works around nothing. because how? how can he be expected to rely on people? that's worked famously well in the past. full of crashes and burns, and whatever fresh hell that has been awakened. he glances down towards his phone, biting his lip]

...okay.

[he doesn't articulate why he's agreeing to this. because does ai really shoulder half the blame in all this? if rin wasn't a self proclaimed slut, desperate for some fix like a junkie... he shoves the thought aside, pushing his fingers through his hair]

We'll just deal with it when it breaks.

[he toes out of the kitchen, side stepping yet another mess he's convoluted into ai's space. it's realized with a grimace, another shattered puzzle piece arching across the kitchen. it takes him back to that night, and he steps away from the kitchen even faster still.

rin slumps onto the couch on his stomach, pressing his face into the arm rest for a moment. he sucks in another shuddering breath, pulling out his phone to text sousuke. don't answer any unknown calls!! before he shoves it back in his pocket. unless sousuke has already gotten the memo, in which case...]

Listen, Ai. You don't have to. But I'm just going to start wearing a hat and hood up everytime I go out. Fucking vultures... better safe than sorry.

[he unconsciously tugs his tank top up a little bit, like that will somehow hide his clavicle and throat when it's just the two of them. something about all this feels so... dirty?]

[taeru]

[It was something of an elephant in the room, and something Ai is certain no one except he and Rin know with certainty. Ai had very explicitly marked Rin where his hair could hide it.

The saddest part of it all was exactly this: the marks incriminating Rin didn't even come from Ai. Even in his own fucked up story, Ai's a hapless side character. Reaping the consequences of something he didn't sow.

He touches his neck, not even thinking about it, and setting the broom aside to do so. If Rin catches him, he doesn't care. Blunt fingernails dig against the mars that speak a lopsided, unfair tale. How stupid he had been, in the immediate aftermath, to think for even two seconds these were something he could wear with pride. Everyone and everything has endeavoured to show him exactly how wrong he was.

He sucks in a silent breath, drops his hand, and picks the broom back up.]

It's probably for the best. [He bends down to sweep the shattered remnants into the dust pan and empties it carefully into the trash.] I wouldn't want to invite trouble, so I'll do the same.

[There's a lump in his throat he just can't swallow down anymore. Ai pads back toward the genkan, picking up the bag he'd dropped when he'd entered. Normalcy was a foregone conclusion at this point, but Rin's lounging, so Ai has to try too.

He approaches the couch and gently places the bag on the small of Rin's back.]

Here, senpai. For your leg. [Ai fishes out the gummies and pockets them.] Those patches are a twenty-four pack, so you can use them generously. And with the compression socks, you might even be able to take a run tonight.

[buttterfly]

[the mood shift is a little jarring.

the bag on his back presses into him, and rin twists his arm around to grab it, pulling out the contents to inspect over the arm of the couch. he wants to spit out again, ask how the fuck ai is so calm. but he knows it won't go anywhere. so he drops it]

You didn't have to get all that.

[he scoffs, muttering into the arm of the couch. but still, his tone holds something grateful]

...thanks though. Really. I owe you one.

[even though rin doesn't know what else he can give anymore. the silence idles for a little bit. rin staring over the couch fabric at the contents of the bag, mindlessly brushing his fingertips over every little instruction on the packaging. there's something unsettling unfurling in his gut, but rin can't quite pinpoint it.

he sighs, placing the bag gently on the ground next to the couch. god a run sounds nice. the only thing he can do to get out of his head, and butt heads against the nasty thoughts swirling. there's nothing he can do. if they do a hit piece, they do a hit piece and rin can't stop that. he just hopes everyone else isn't dragged through the mud.

ai especially]

You figure out your resignation letter yet?

[taeru]

I wanted to.

[It had been, in fact, the reason he wanted to go to the store at all. Ai understands the humility, though; he feels it every time Rin leaves him something to help him along, no matter how many times it happens. Tea today; a paid tab some weeks ago; protein bars some years ago. In a way, if Ai thinks on it long and deep enough, it had always been something of a love language between the two of them.

He had plans today, before-- all of this. Swimming prime among them. Would it even be smart to leave the house at all at this point? It's possible agents were out and about even right now, waiting at their usual spots - the natatorium, Ai's campus, his job. The thought alone nearly makes him sick, and for a moment as he turns to retreat toward his desk, he feels the entire room spinning. He thought he had a cap on his panic, but the visceral nausea that suddenly hits him is nearly overwhelming; the thought of being followed upsetting him more than some words in a magazine people will forget in a couple of weeks. Struck sick with worry that he's brought the same upon Rin, upon their friends.

Rin's asked him something, and Ai continues to ignore the faint feeling in his gut, keeping up the composed facade as best as he can.]

Ah, no. I was thinking about it last night though. I wanted to work on it today, but I really wanted to-.

[Equidistant between the couch and his desk, Ai pauses, eyes glued to the floor which at the moment seems more akin to the glass window of a washing machine, all mixed colours and indecipherable cyclone. The sound of his own breathing is suddenly one-hundred decibels loud between his ears. Again, he tries to grapple with his exterior calm,]

- to swim, also, with you, but,

[thud!

His knees hit the floor first, though he faints into a heap upon himself all the same, prostrate on the hard wood. Consciousness there and gone and there again; he comes back to in a matter of seconds, but with his head ringing so loudly, it is hard to tell up from down, real from conjured.]

[buttterfly]

[something feels wrong. even before ai meets the ground.

rin tosses a glance over his shoulder, seeing ai... sway a bit? coupled with his words seeming a bit off in their delivery. he squints, pulling himself up off the arm of the couch a little]

Ai? You good?

[he glances back over at the bag though, when he hears the loud bang resonating. he immediately is on his feet, whipping around to see ai in a heap, looking like the very life has just been sucked out of him. his eyes widen, and he scrambles over, dropping to his knees in an instant, his hand voraciously shaking ai by the shoulder]

Oi, Ai. What's wrong???

[ai... looks awake?? but that's not normal. people don't just faint out of nowhere, especially not somebody he's known for years. that's more haru's schtick than anything else. rin bites his lip, his other free hand pressing worried lines against his temple]

[taeru]

[It is extremely jarring, realizing there is a sudden blip in recollection and memory. Even worse still when it's right under your nose.

Ai comes to just as quickly as he had gone, his faint spell lasting ten, maybe fifteen seconds. His head pounds and his heart pounds even faster, trying to supply blood where it's been neglected. Passing out from stress was only the sort of thing he's seen in movies, or heard his mother joke about once or twice. Actually experiencing it very nearly has him mentally standing next to his own body.

He doesn't hear Rin, at first. Doesn't realize what happened until his vision clears enough to realize he's chest-down on the floor, and that it's Rin that's jostling him. Ah. So that's it. Everything that had stretched his rope so painfully thin had finally snapped.

He shifts, though his body feels leaden; enough to sit up some so he isn't face-down on the floor. His jaw hurts from the impact; his knees too. One arm holds him up feebly by placing a flat palm on the floor; the other is gripping Rin's shoulder for leverage.]

Sorry. [For worrying you? For being so weak? For not being able to handle it? Even spinning his wheels on that alone nearly leaves his head spinning again too. He sways a ltitle, starting to lean toward Rin but then forcing himself back center of his own body mass,] I don't know what happened.

[buttterfly]

Don't fucking apologize.

[rin spits out immediately, curling his fingers through ai's hair, trying to tug their gazes together. those sky blue eyes look a little foggy, but they don't seem glazed or anything. he sucks in a breath between his teeth, trying to help stabilize him as ai tries to right himself once more]

Did you sleep last night?

[rin swears he heard ai tossing and turning too, but. he looks around the apartment, pressing his hand against his forehead for a moment. ai feels fine; no fever that he can tell. but what the fuck does rin know about medical mumbo jumbo anything? he sits back on his thighs a little bit, thumb pressing reassuring circles onto ai. he sucks at comforting, but he can try]

Are you sick?? Here, let me just.

[rin tries to help ai up and towards the couch now]

[taeru]

[He swallows hard around a lump, a new type of stress beginning to kick and scream in his chest, though thankfully to Ai's credit this only has him exasperated, not faint. He simply cannot look Rin in the eye; realizing what's happened, and why, and not feeling as if he could articulate it all has a thick, heavy blanket of shame settling over his shoulders.

Can't even conjure the presence of mind to find solace in Rin's painfully gentle touches, something he would have begged for just days earlier. Every soft ministration, in Ai's mind, is evidence he's failed.

He wrings his eyes shut. Shakes his head once.]

No, I didn't, but that's. [To be expected. After all that had happened yesterday.] No, no, I'm not sick. [Ai even resists at first when Rin's trying to get him up off the floor, as if he could just will himself to do it all on his own - but when he realizes his body isn't exactly cooperating fully, he acquiesces. His hand grips with some greater strength against Rin's shirt, shuffling on dubiously even footing until he's able to sit down.

His body slooowly lolls over, until his shoulder is wedged against the cushions and his head is on the arm rest. He rubs at his face, so incredibly fucking frustrated with himself. Unused to being so helpless, knee-jerking at the feeling of being useless.]

I don't know. [He does know, he just doesn't know how to articulate it in a way that doesn't make him want to faint a second time.] I promise I'm fine-- I'll be fine. [Quieter, then; his hands slide up into his hair, arms over his face.] Please don't worry.

[buttterfly]

[and rin thinks, in that moment, maybe he's finally overstepped. some invisible line that ai has drawn up for the two of them. don't treat me any differently... rin doesn't know how accurate that statement can be given the circumstances.

maybe he needs to be the grown up here. ai's always had the drivers seat in that one. but is it the appropriate response anymore? rin bites his lip for a moment, gaze cautiously trailing over his friend. of course he didn't sleep. rin would be stupid to think otherwise. not when he heard him tossing and turning the same way. he pulls his hand back. it's an agonizing thing, to draw back from somebody in need. but ai is insistent in he's fine, and rin knows how it feels when someone doesn't back off.

he remembers feeling the sting, wishing that vending machine glass would shatter under his fist.]

...Okay.

[rin reluctantly states, letting his gaze trail away from ai to glance blearily around the apartment. he goes to sit in front of the couch, leaning his head on the couch rest. is there anything positive in this anymore? the prospect of fucking up everything for the umpteenth time is still fresh in rin's mind. but he just doesn't know, he can't know.

then there's that titular little saying, gnawing the back of his brain. you never know unless you try, right? and rin tries to swallow it down, shoving everything away. but he can't. and it pains him to see somebody else in pain for all the shit he's put on them. and before he can stop himself, trying to be considerate of a friend in a fucking medical crisis rin just]

...It's because of me, right? Those people calling you. Me bailing. Fucking Haru, fucking...everything before that?

[his voice doesn't carry any accusatory tone. it's eerily level, almost soft. instead he just thumbs a little stray thread on one of the couch cushions, staring at it like it might combust any moment]

Not mad. Just asking if that's the truth. You can tell me. I can take it.

[taeru]

[Ai hears Rin navigate in front of him, but doesn't lower his arms to check. Something about being near-fetal is helping with the throbbing in his head, and helping to calm his heart besides. If the issue was stress, removing stressors was what he needed in the immediate - a periphery he couldn't see was only bound to help. Jarring as it is. So used to monitoring Rin's expressions and his temperament like a sixth sense, and yet for the first time since they met is doing away with it and trying to just prioritize himself for once. Just to get out of this immediate rut.

A hit piece primarily on Rin because Ai had several lapses in judgment. He could handle heartbreak; he could handle abject if inferred rejection. He could handle jealousy and frustration and all those ugly, weighted things. But he had just promised to himself and Sousuke he would absolutely never be responsible for taking away Rin's smile, and yet.

His arms slide down uselessly into his lap, and then onto the couch cushion, where Ai forces himself to try and sit up straight. He looks at Rin, and Ai is just-- weary. Threadbare. Resigned. His tone curt and terse to match.]

There is not, [his breath shakes for a moment,] a single issue on my mind that isn't astutely my fault.

[And how sick is it that his mind latches onto something so dangerously familiar--]

I try, I give everything, and others accomplish in seconds what I'd tried to do for weeks. [It's exactly here his expression breaks, twisting with the thread of a full-blown meltdown, and it is only by the sheer, raw tenacity baked into his very essence that he doesn't pull a Matsuoka-level tantrum.] It isn't enough to so painfully miss the mark, my attempts at trying are incriminating you now too.

I'm,

[he tears his gaze away, pushing furiously at his eyes,]

so god damned useless. I can't stand it. The thought of being the reason you can't keep your sights forward, it makes me sick.

[It doesn't even touch on the rest of it. They both know there was no helping it. Ai was delusional to ever think he had a modicum of a chance, an idiot to think anything in the wake of that night left room for him. And maybe if he'd been a better friend, more stalwart, more dutiful, more reliable and stronger and better, they never would have landed in a circumstance where Rin's guilt now seems to follow him like a shadow. That hurts, too. Knowing every time Rin's looking at him, he's thinking of that.

But none of it comes anywhere nearly close to the oppressive guilt of potentially getting Rin's career smeared before it can truly take off. Of all the straws on his back, this is the one that broke it. Rin has always, always been his priority - that fundamentally hasn't changed.]

[buttterfly]

[deep down, rin knows this is how ai feels. but there was some small glimmer of hope that he would be blamed instead for all these short comings and failings. not once has it ever occurred to him to blame ai. it's always fallen on himself, his own circumstances.

rin blinks, wide eyed as ai unleashes what has clearly been bottled up. he takes every word of it in, wanting to retort that not a goddamn word of it is true. how could it be? ai's life was fine until rin showed back up on his doorstep. but maybe rin's never quite had that inkling of how deep ai's self deprecation runs.

I give everything, and others accomplish in seconds what I'd tried to do for weeks. and rin bites his lip because he knows exactly what ai means. he wishes he had never run into haru again. it would be worth his own continued misery to see his friend be happy, try to break rin out of his shell. it's all he can do to swallow down another sob.

ai curls in on himself, and rin takes a small scooch backwards. he swallows, trying to utter some shaky retort]

Not like you were the one that left my neck looking like that.

[rin bites out, his fingers digging into the floor underneath him. what a miserably true confession. it takes everything in him to not toss something, hit something. anything destructive. it's miles away in his mind now. because he remembers what happened the last time he let his temper do that to himself]

It's my own fault. You were just a bystander.

[rin's gaze drops to ai's neck, or where he thinks it must be where ai is curled in on himself. rin wasn't so thoughtful. he didn't care who saw ai's neck. ai purposefully left things where they could be hidden. bile bubbles in the back of his throat. just how cruel is he?

just how much of ai's life has rin fucked up for him?]

...I'll take care of it.

[rin's gaze is oddly level, gently putting his hand on ai's arm to give it a reassuring squeeze]

Just let me take care of everything. Nobody's career is over. Like you said, if they fired people over every hit piece, there'd be no athletes left. Right?

[rin spares him a heavily pensive glance, something almost pitying]

[taeru]

[Yeah. That. Not like you were the one that left my neck looking like that. Ai's lip curl into a smile born out of a deep self-pity and self-loathing.

It's my own fault. You were just a bystander.

His hand unconsciously comes up to his neck, ghosting over those bruises he had for the first four days worn with such an untoward fondness. Even if he only let them breathe in the confines of their apartment. Rin might not look at him the same, might resent him for his feelings, might have said someone else's name, but to Ai, those marks were proof that even for a split second, Ai could have been helpful. Could have done something. Could have meant something. With everything else a foregone conclusion, he clung to those marks as evidence of the small piece of Rin's vulnerability he was able to share in. Evidently, even this much was bound to backfire, too.

Pitiful.]

I know. [His tears flow over, but they're silent. Almost incidental.] Even Nanase-san thought otherwise. How silly is that? [To assume I was more than a placeholder? Rin's hand is on his arm, and it jumpstarts no reaction out of Ai; he's too emotionally frayed. Presently ashamed and hating himself for having exploded so valiantly. Rin must think he's an idiot. Stubbornly, though, he shakes his head. The idea of Rin bending over backwards for him almost laughable in how foreign it is.]

You just demonstrated to me why you can't take care of everything. Senpai, please. It's my burden, too. [He closes his eyes; kneads his temples with his fingers.] I just-- had a lapse. [Quietly,] I'm still human... I just need a minute.

[buttterfly]

[if ai's goal is to make rin feel shittier, he's definitely winning out. if it was possible to lean back further without eating shit and hitting his head in the process, he would be a world champ in attempting. rin's face sours, and he tears his gaze away.

but he's trying not to lean into explosive defense mechanisms. it doesn't do anyone any good. and obviously, per their earlier voicemails, it just leaves a fucking mess in its wake. rin lets ai talk it out, doesn't try to talk him down or rationalize, or sympathize. it's not what he wants. he just lets him cry it out. sometimes it's what somebody needs. rin knows that, logically.

but when you're the causer of said tears, it's harder to lean into that logic.

ai keeps bringing up haru, and rin keeps getting more and more irked and icked out at it. because he's trying not to. and ai keeps rationalizing all of this like it's for haru and rin's benefit. rin swallows, and stands shakily, sighing]

Nothing about you is silly.

[he settles on, taking the bag off the floor]

Take as many lapses as you need. Sorry for bringing it up again, or being pushy or whatever.

[rin can at least bask in the small things. like he's not the one who exploded this time. neither of them did really, but he didn't teeter on the edge so precariously that they both toppled over into planes unknown. rin bites his lip, holding the bag up, before walking back towards the kitchen]

Thanks again.

[taeru]

[He'd take being fucked on a rainy night under false pretense one-thousand times-- would rather hear someone else's name one-thousand times-- would endure it all on a public stage and welcome the scrutiny of the world one-thousand times over if it meant Rin didn't act as if Ai had just burned him.

His hands juts out and grips Rin's wrist strongly. But then it is as if whatever conjuring he'd just gotten into his head loses its backbone, and Ai relents, listening as Rin saunters toward the kitchen.

If he had the strength, the confidence, he'd let Rin take care of him. Might even ask for a hug, to be held, something. If he didn't feel like a tumour hanging off the side of Rin's life, right now, in this precise moment. If he had the certainty exposing his soft white underbelly didn't just invite problem after problem; unfortunately, experience has told him exactly the opposite.

He shifts to lay on the couch, folds his arms over his face. He feels stable now, just raw; figures laying down for a bit can't hurt, especially as Rin's left his vicinity. Face shielded, he shakes his head, voice unusually quiet and lacking emphasis.]

You weren't pushy at all... I'm thankful you're here, Rin-senpai. [It wasn't in Ai to spiral. Just to stay his tears and do better next time. There are so many wounds that need dressing, after all.] Sorry I made it difficult.

[He exhales a long, quiet sigh. A bit frustrated - at himself, at circumstance more than anything. For whatever grace it is, with every passing second Rin doesn't bolt out the front door, Ai's shame lifts from his shoulders enough to consider coexistence not a cardinal sin.

It's all he can do to attempt normalcy,] You'll probably want to flag to your family what's happening. [Better that than having to read it for themselves, Ai thinks.]

[buttterfly]

[if it wasn't for the fact that ai drops his wrist almost as quickly as he grabs hold, rin might have stayed. but maybe he's just not worth that. something sour bubbles in his throat, that thing he so often tries to swallow down. and he tries to choke it down again, just giving his roommate the space he's so graciously taken up on himself.

which, fine. whatever. people need their space. but...

he doesn't want to talk to his family about this. his mom is a gentle, albeit teasing soul. sometimes things that seem otherwise normal, healthy and natural to their family are a travesty and scandal to others apparently. she was never shy about shielding them from things growing up. educated children are safe children, or whatever. she might give him a stern talking to about going sans condoms, but.

he shoves the thought aside, shooting a text to the matsuoka group text asking how their aunt is and if they have any time later today. rin's frown curls as he stares down at his phone, a little pain blossoming from tightening his fingers so hard around the stupid device]

Didn't make anything difficult. It's fine.

[rin tries reassuring him, not sure who he's trying to kid. himself or... he fires off a text towards mikhail as well. unsure if whoever that was tried reaching out to him as well. maybe. the dude is as eccentric as they come, so hard to say. rin bites his lip]

You should probably too.

[rin sighs, staring at his phone, thumbing through his texts, an uncertainty boiling in him. there's something terrifying in not knowing who to trust. would any of these people wishing him good luck yesterday or sending condolences for his leg fess up? no. none of them would. but... he chews his lip a little more thoughtfully, eyes narrow. rin had some ideas on how he could spin this, but]

Stupid. So stupid.

[he has other things to worry about. not this shit]

[taeru]

[It was a foreign thought, one that didn't occur to Ai in the slightest, and likely wouldn't for some time: the notion Rin wanted to be relied upon. It was a normal feeling, one Ai himself holds with great pride, perhaps to his own detriment. But the idea of allowing others to show him the same grace, Rin especially, and especially now is almost laughable. It's something he'll be kicking himself over later, when he inevitably tries to sleep at night and finds his bed so agonizingly cold.

He knows he needs to tell his family; he'd been the one to suggest the idea, after all. But it's yet another peg in the you colossally fucked up board, and more than that, Ai doesn't want to saddle his poor parents with more details than they've asked for. At the very least, he knows he has to reach out to his uncle, regardless if Rin already has or not.

Stupid. So stupid. Could say that thrice; Ai carefully rises from the couch, gauging his presence of mind before shuffling up onto his feet. Slowly, he trudges to where his phone was discarded somewhere on the floor when he'd fallen; kneels down to pick it up, rises up.

Presses it to his forehead, leans his head back. Closes his eyes. He groans.]

Being kissed on the mouth after my heat would have been less trouble. [And yet he knows Nagisa and Rei won't have an article circulated about them.

Standing there, the first person Ai texts his Sousuke. First making sure he's alright, and then asking if he's received anymore details, making sure he hasn't answered any weird calls. Second is his uncle, begging him for more information as he must've been contacted given his connection between both Rin and Ai. Third is his mother, in vague detail. You're going to get some weird phone calls with weird questions. Please just ignore them. Mikhail-ojiisan can tell you more.

A deeeeep breath. A loooong exhale.]

When I woke up this morning, I wanted to ask you to come to the campus pool with me. Could get some calisthenics in for your leg. [He looks over the length of the apartment, mind a mile away.] I don't know if it's even a good idea to leave the apartment at this rate.

[buttterfly]

[rin is someone who is stubborn. rin is someone who is fiercely loyal. most of the time to a fault, even if it it doesn't necessarily manifest in a way that would indicate rin is looking out for someone. he wants the people around him as successful as possible. sometimes that means...

being kissed on the mouth would have been less trouble]

...Yeah.

[rin bites his lip, brushing his thumb over his phone.

the screen presses against his forehead for a moment, and he sucks in a breath before pocketing it again. ai's not wrong. leaving the apartment seems like some terrifying prospect. full of unknowns. what's going to be misconstrued? what's going to be documented like some scandal?

is anything sacred anymore?

rin leans against the counter, looking out the window for a moment, lips thin. swimming sounds like hell. or maybe it's going out into the world like this that's more alarming. what looks worse? holing up? carrying on as usual? possibly slipping up, giving some stranger more ammo against the both of them?

rin's gaze sweeps over the room, towards ai curled up on the couch texting away. hopefully his family. hopefully someone to talk to, something--anything]

Not great feeling like a fucking piece of meat just to go outside.

[he spits it out with such venom, it takes even himself off guard. his arms are crossed, his foot tapping against the tile, leg bouncing. little]

[taeru]

[Even from a distance, he can feel Rin's eyes roving over him - call it a sixth sense. Ai doesn't turn around to meet him and gauge where Rin's at, not at first; he's in the middle of replying to his uncle, who is pressing Ai for the details of what actually happened, to which Ai is responding with different versions of nothing important.

Then Rin says that.

This time Ai does whip around to look at Rin from over the couch, expression wrought with his worry. His instinct is to apologize, but he miraculously puts his foot in his mouth on that one; last time they played keepsies with apologies, Rin dragged him against a wall and a mug wound up shattered on the floor.

Ai swallows around a dry lump.]

No matter how much scrutiny, you're still you. [Despite his latent exhaustion, there's a determination in Ai's eyes.] And you're all of you, Rin-senpai. A gold medalist and an Athens qualifier. Let them pry.

[His determination deflates; Ai sits perpendicular to the back of the couch, now, eyes no longer on Rin.]

It's as we said, right? This much is normal. If we have nothing to hide, then there's no reason to act like we do. [call him a hypocrite, but hey.]

[buttterfly]

Exactly. You're not far behind, sans the gold medal part.

[it's not a tongue lashing, but a firm reminder. because rin is sick of the fucking self deprecation coming from the lump on the couch. he's too tense to be gentle. not that he has much room to talk. he's a filthy hypocrite. he knows he is. he tells himself as such every single fucking day]

So stop thinking you ruined everything for me.

[it's a heavy look he shoots at someone who isn't even looking. momentarily, he tries to shake off the tension building in his shoulders and jaw, smooth out whatever is bristling and just think logically about all this. ai's right. who gives a flying fuck?]

Fucking remember it. Athens qualifier. That's you, genius.

[fuck it. he grabs his jacket, barely able to feel any of the phantom pains creeping up the back of his leg]

I'm gonna go out for a run. Pool after? You're right. Fuck them. Not gonna sit in here, and be a coward.

[lol what's taking it easy again]