[It's, of course, impossible to sleep. Mental and emotional exhaustion has put him out like a light before; unfortunately, it doesn't work in his favour this time around. It means Ai notices everything. The late hour at which Haruka returns, and the speed with which he goes into the bathroom. The length of time he's in there. Why is it so tense? If he didn't know better he'd almost assume Haruka was upset, or more distant than usual. Ai couldn't know he'd talked with Rin, nor could he know the contents of those conversations, but if Ai was left to guess, he would have expected something... Better. An outcome that favoured two of the three.
Ai has just nearly grasped the edges of unconsciousness when the sun begins to threaten to break through their pulled curtains; Rin's alarm drives the nail in. Ugh, Ai groans to himself mentally, I forgot to shift my alarm back. In all of the chaos of the day before, Ai neglected to set himself for even a modicum of success. It isn't that he wants to avoid Rin, exactly, but that Ai is eager to make himself as unavailable and small as possible. To get through the next week and some change with as little damage as possible. The easiest way to do that? Be seen as little as possible. Getting up earlier than the other two in the room meant getting to the pool faster meant being unavailable for longer... But.
Instead, as his head pounds and his eyes open to stare blearily at the inside flap of his duvet pulled over his head, Ai realizes he needs a plan B. Simple: just wait for Rin to leave the room. Then Ai can get up and start his morning and make a clean esca--]
be-beep! be-beep! be-beep! be-beep!
[His alarm says otherwise. Ai lets it ring for way too long before deciding that tormenting Haruka who is still very much asleep isn't worth it; at once he darts out from under his covers, grabs his phone, and mashes the silent button on his screen. Hell... He looks to the bathroom. It's too much pressure to stand there and wait, right? As if he's rushing Rin. Ai especially doesn't want to invite a conversation yet; everything is still too fresh. So evenly split between trying to front as if everything is alright and wanting to disappear. Turns out, those two attempts at reality are diametrically opposed to one another.
He cuts the difference; stays in bed, duvet under his arms. But, his back is turned toward the bathroom, facing the front door. Paying Rin his privacy and a silent I won't bother you, sorry. Probably two, three more minutes and he'll get up...]
[sleep is for bitches. this is rin matsuoka, gold medal winning athlete. who has inadvertently fucked all of his friendships somehow since returning secretly to japan and trashing the confines of his own head. there's no outcome where it would be good. no good ending. well...maybe there is. but haru needed some space and--
--he fucking stabs the inside of his cheek at the sound of that alarm with his toothbrush, wincing at the sharp pain followed by menthal and shit shit shit that fucking burns! he spits the toothpaste out in a hurry, wincing as he tries to dip his mouth under the faucet and rinse it out. what a way to start the morning!!
in any sane verse, rin matsuoka would slam the door open and strangle haru and ai even if it was only one of their phones that went off. but unfortunately, in this one, he just grits his teeth and ties his hair back hastily, ignoring the blossom of pain from his cheek. wait. if he remembers actually, that's ai's alarm. because on what planet earth does haru set an alarm for himself? he either perfectly wakes up at the right time or doesn't wake up at all!! and there's been so many mornings that...his coffee shop shifts...
he tosses his toothbrush back in his bathroom bag and tosses it on some corner on the counter, stalking out of the bathroom. he glances over at ai's bed. the alarm went off, and haru's still in his burrito so he's awake...right? rin clears his throat, seeing the line of ai's back which. digs at something in him. what the hell is he doing?]
...morning.
[rin starts off with, sliding down the closet with his back against it, grabbing for his shoes. testing the waters. if ai doesn't answer him fine he'll just leave but. rin still feels that tenseness from the night before, the rawness of all those tears and...]
[Ai thinks he hears something being thrown or dropped in the bathroom. Quiet scoffs. Maybe curses? And then Rin is emerging and very clearly addressing him, because they're both aware by this point Haruka doesn't wake up for anyone but himself, and Rin surely knows Ai's alarm tune by now.
And the world doesn't screech to a halt. The sun doesn't explode, the universe doesn't combust. His gut doesn't even churn with that knot-like anxiety that wholly consumed him the night before. Ai can't tell if it's apathy, dissociation, or if it'll hit him later like a freight train once his body is able to process what his mind hasn't yet. Either way, he's able to conjure the wherewithal to roll over onto his back...
Sit up, and look at Rin. Ah, there it is. The lurch in his chest, as if all of him had seized on an elevator and gravity decided today was the day. More than his own latent angst, Ai is painfully aware something has transpired last night between Rin and Haruka, and isn't keen on making Rin's day any worse. It's easy, to slip into that smile he's gotten so so so used to putting on.]
Good morning, senpai.
[He keeps his voice quiet, cognizant of the third body in the room. More to fill the silence than because he wants to, Ai finally shifts out of bed; it'd become apparent to Rin in an instant that Ai never changed last night, still in jeans and a sweater. Nice jeans, the ones Ikuya said made his legs look longer. And a nice sweater, one Momo gifted him a year ago. What he couldn't have known would be his final attempt at normalcy, worn plain on his body still, like the gold and steel found on mountainside corpses.
He gets up because that's approximately four more seconds he can buy before feeling the instinct to fill the silence, because doing so alleviates the weight of it all for them both, and Ai, always perceptive, can tell Rin is. Trying. So.]
Going for a run? Careful, I think I saw it'd rain a little.
[He bows his head waaay too politely while skirting around Rin to get into the bathroom.]
[it's like rin can feel the moment whatever in ai lurches, accompanying with a seize through his own chest cavity.
but there's fact in it all. there's no screaming match or fists being raised...not that ai would ever in a million years. and rin thinks bitterly to the time he did raise his hand at ai and fist up his shirt and--]
Yeah.
[he answers dully instead, pulling his shoes on and redoing his laces as some means of stalling. testing the waters to see where ai is in his internal predicaments. it's just a run. it's nothing out of the blue. but ai's voice seems almost too cordial and reserved. and rin knows the feeling. knows what it's like to desperately try to squash yourself into nothing around someone to minimize the space you take up. and maybe that's what makes his chest clench even more.
the prospect of ai feeling like he has to do something like that at all. rin blinks at the clothing, but says nothing. because normally it would be easy to go late night, huh? but that seems gross and sour as it flitters through his head. so he too squashes that with a small cough]
It's not bad. Feels nice.
[trying to think less on a time where he ran out in the rain from sousuke's house, the nightmare that started everything...it would be so easy to laugh at himself right now. he really does hate himself. but similar to ai, he minimizes it, knotting off his laces and tucking them. he hesitates for a moment, scooting to give ai room to get to the bathroom and rubbing the back of his neck]
[It isn't that he doesn't want to run with Rin, but.
Isn't that he wants to completely erase himself from the spot he used to take up right at Rin's side. Not his intention to disappear completely, forever. It isn't that he doesn't want to run with Rin but that Ai doesn't know what to do, and spending more time together seemed counter-intuitive to the whole getting over it thing, so. He turns in the doorway, waiting until Rin's stood up so Ai can flash him that apologetic simper of his - this, too, will become increasingly more common in the coming days, no doubt.
Surely Rin can hear the sincere rueful delivery in his voice,]
I think I'll head straight to the pool today.
[And isn't that just a too-perfect delivery? Completely absolving Rin of any guilt (a new priority, Ai realizes); giving himself an easy out. Giving Rin a known place he'll be so he doesn't have to go into the same frenzy he did last night. If walking on eggshells was an Olympic sport, Ai would be a ten time winning gold medalist at this rate.
More than anything, though. More than anything, and especially now, he doesn't want to be treated differently. All of this, in fact, manufactured specifically to go back to the way things had been, once upon a time. Grant Rin the freedom to look past the veneer of the countless mistakes they'd both made together, a pile so high it was difficult to see over. So, he won't punish Rin for asking. Even if Ai can't discern for himself if Rin's genuinely wanting for his company, or throwing him a bone.
Mind made up and figuring Rin will just take off, Ai turns back into the bathroom, starting the sink to brush his teeth.]
it's tempting to put on a front, make a scene and fuss left and right over it. it's not like they always run together. but they did yesterday. they have in the past. and ai's tone really sells it. it's so carefully constructed that rin feels the slightest nudge might spread the pieces out every which way. and it's never been rin's intention to treat ai differently. far from it.
he's been the one staunchly trying to pretend it's all normal and hunky dory. when obviously that's the worst idea to grace them both. rin stares up at ai, expression devoid of much for a while. he glances over at the lump shifting in bed, before looking back at ai and--]
Yeah. Sure.
[giving ai his space. what he should have done. rin wonders if he had never reached out, never taken that offer after reconnecting. would they be in this predicament?
he groans, and tries not to gnaw at his lip, pushing himself up and giving ai on last glance]
[It's the same confusion as last night. A guilt, a disappointment that seems aimless. Is it that Rin feels bad Ai's turned down the offer, or just feels sour his attempt at an olive branch has been shut down at all? Ai could apologize until he's blue in the face, sorry, I'm sorry, I just need a little time, but it'd drive them in circles.
All the same he loathes that look on Rin's face. Blank, distant, away. And all his fault. If only he could have been a better friend, none of this would be part of their present circumstance. If only he could have been a little stronger--]
Have a good run.
[And then Rin's gone. And Ai knows he'll see him probably in about two hours. He knows the world won't stop spinning, the sun won't fall out of the sky. He made this exact choice, to stay in the bathroom and brush his teeth slower than he ever has and mentally recall his schedule to keep the tears at bay. And yet, agency or no agency, the yawning, hollow void in his chest yells and begs to be filled. Somehow. One step at a time, he guesses. Maybe the pool will help, if he can get over the whole seeing the same sight thing. Heavens know that's a bygone now.
Tooth brush poking out his mouth, Ai can't help but peek around the doorway to the other remaining lump in the bed. A mystery, as far as Ai is concerned. A blank space he doesn't know how to handle. Does Nanase have any idea the lengths Ai's gone to, for no reason other than knowing what path forward was objectively easiest? Ai often tries not to stick his nose in other peoples' business, but the vague, unidentifiable passivity radiating off the middle bed doesn't settle well. What happened last night?
Ai realizes he's being several times of unfair, and also is procrastinating, and spits and rinses with sudden alacrity. Figuring Nanase will remain asleep or "asleep", Ai takes the quickest route out of the room: changing right next to his suitcase, slipping his shoes on at the door, and then slipping out.]
[in actuality, the run itself is fine. he can work out his feelings, work up a sweat in the worst way. but at least well, he can take a different route than yesterday. one he doesn't have to think so hard on and remember all that. they seemed fine. and then rin just had to go and muck things up per fucking usual.
it's just what he's been doing since the very beginning, after all.
after running himself into the ground, he goes back to a very empty room and huffs, running his hand through his hair. it's tempting to lavish in the solitude for once. but then again, rin has never been a stranger to dorm living or living with others. solitude has never suited him but...maybe now the idea is tempting--
no. he has work to do.
he takes a few minutes to charge his phone, rinse himself off quick and change into swim gear and throws a few clothes over it. he laments at having to pretend like everything is fine poolside. but hopefully everyone is just too caught up in their own workouts to pay them much mind...still.
he gets to the pool, and it all seems normal. so normal, it makes him want to fucking laugh. because life carries on so easily, and like ai internalizes so easily. the sun isn't falling out of the sky. he sees haru powering through some laps, and immediately stops looking for familiar faces as he dumps his bag on one of the benches, peeling out of his clothes and pulling his goggles out of it. he makes the mistake of looking towards the stands and--
...sees azuma and mikhail casting a glance over at him.
he stiffens, and tries to ignore it, diving into the pool to warm up. the whole time he keeps his eyes to himself, not wanting to seek out any shade of blue. there's enough in the pool already]
[Ai was the first to the pool. So early in fact the god damn facility had hardly been opened yet for a few minutes. But his intentions were clear: run himself so ragged he had no option to consider anything but the exhaustion that settled into his bones. Swim so hard he'd have no choice but to sleep tonight. Swim so many laps and practice so many drills his mind can wipe clean of its agony and only focus on counting breaths and kicks.
It's nice, the first hour. Maybe one or two other people join, and not from their team. The mild contempt he's developed for the water forgotten under its gentle tow.
And then people start arriving. He isn't shocked Sousuke is among one of the firsts other than himself, though is a little surprised to see the younger Kirishima in tow, having assumed him to work more at his own tempo; Ai pauses at the wall to greet them both. The subtle pause after Sousuke asks everything going alright? isn't lost on him, though does seem to be lost on Ikuya, which is enough for Ai to know Sousuke hasn't said shit. Thank god. Ai decides it's as decent time as any to take a small hydration break, and gets out of the pool.
That's when management and coaches enter. So many he doesn't actually know the names of, but his uncle and his uncle's ex-situationship? Yeah. It isn't lost on Ai that Mikhail doesn't approach him on the poolside bench, either. Whether his intuition is so sharp he knows something has happened, or his nephew is that far off his radar as far as swimming is concerned, Ai can't tell. Either way, he's never been more eager to get back in the water, and so his half-empty canister remains unlidded on the bench as he gets back into a lane.
It's shortly after a second wave pours in. On a flip turn, Ai catches a glimpse of tell-tale black hair and how it dives into the far lane. And like curiosity does, it encourages Ai to pause at the wall for just a few seconds and scope for whether or not red is in tow. It isn't, and he isn't sure if he's frustrated, relieved, or both.
When Rin does arrive, Ai's already about four-thousand meters deep and still pushing. Slowly, but his form is decent. Should someone call time trials it'd probably be game over, though. Maybe it's for the best he doesn't notice Rin's joined; they both have the same idea, eyes nowhere else but either the bottom of the pool or the wall ahead.]
[similarly, rin is running himself ragged. after running himself ragged, he decides to let bygones be and swim himself into a state of exhaustion. it's a good method, after all. and an even better way to forget mikhail's gaze. he still hasn't forgotten that raw anger and disappointment over that phone call.
fuck. rin nearly veers out of his lane, and it isn't exactly lost on him the raven hair that's in the lane beside him...he grits his teeth, which just puts him into a more dizzying frenzy. it's supposed to be just a warm up. and that's exactly what he intends on keeping this. even if everything in him is nagging to either pick up the pace, or cast a glance elsewhere to see where his teammates are littered about.
but apparently haru doesn't get the message. and they settle whatever transpired last night like they always do. in the pool.
even through the numbing exhaustion and mental anguish, they swim like they always do. with everything they have in them. though rin is filled with a silent fury when haru slaps the wall a tenth of a second ahead of him. and silently they go at it again and again. until even haru pulls himself out of the pool after casting rin a sidelong glance, once filled with concern and...something else.
not that rin is looking to decipher it as he goes back to practically drowning himself in lieu of manning up and facing the music of his actions. through the fog, he knows ai is pushing himself similarly. and rin doesn't know whether to swell with pride or fucking hate himself more at the prospect.
...no. rin fully intends to keep going until he can barely stand.
and so he does. pushing himself to his absolute limits, the very thing he and azuma had chastised haru for. but this is different. everytime he catches mikhail or sousuke or anyone's gaze when he comes up gasping for air, he meets it with narrowed eyes. something that says got a problem? i'm fine before he dives back in.
he doesn't know how long he's been going. all he knows is he is groaning as he hoists himself out of the pool, and is on his knees panting harshly. he hears sousuke and ikuya walking by, don't ask him how he knows it before he hears their voices but. there's concern from sousuke, and while ikuya's comment is concerned, it still holds the barb of their normal quips. rin just laughs, swallowing down air]
Can't get better without hard work, right?
[and sousuke rolls his eyes. "don't want to hear about your bum shoulder if you push it too much." and rin laughs, though there's a level of unease in it because. well, that's a grim reality isn't it?]
[The cacophony of someone pushing the limit over and over and over is hard to ignore in the pool, especially when most people are focused on drills and slower, more disciplined, less splashy rudiments. Ai doesn't have to look over to know what's going on.
Does his already abysmal pace drop even slower? Maybe. Breast is harder to maintain at such a leisurely pace, though; his form suffers for it. His head pulls up too high, his legs kick too wide to keep the buoyancy. He accidentally swats his lanemate coming down the opposite way with a too-wide recovery. Ah, I'm sorry, is barely squeaked, before Ai just about gives up. Very literally rolls onto his back and finishes his lap not even pulling, just kicking with his legs. Vaguely somewhere he can hear a the hell?, but can't tell the voice, neither can he discern if it's in relation to his current shitshow or to whatever pissing contest is going on in the far end of the pool. Or mating ritual. Whatever.
Someone less knowledgeable might call him a copy cat, the way he breaks into a front crawl instead after coming to the wall. But someone with a finger on the pulse will know that crawl is the stroke that keeps one's head under the water for the longest, especially with three-pulse breathing. It's so much easier to drown all of it out. The splashing, the eyes, the implications.
Does he plan on being the first to arrive, last to leave? With any luck. This, too, isn't unusual; Nitori Aiichirou always had to pour in more hard work to account for the seemingly natural skill most of their teammates seemed to be equipped with. And didn't have the nicety of a coach to cut out the fat. The masquerade is pretty simple, then - obviously he's pushing past burnout fever because he has to, and not because he's avoiding the waking world in the most productive way possible.]
[after he waves sousuke and ikuya off, he glances back towards the pool. and he can't help it. the way his gaze trickles over ai swimming...of all fucking things...
it's no surprise. to some who don't pay attention it might sure. but it was something ai excelled in. long distance most of all. and rin selfishly takes in that sight for a moment, while he's catching his breath. he can't quite place what he's feeling. a numbness overall, sure. but there's a spark of...something. but that something quickly dies because as soon as he pushes himself to his feet, he catches his other roommate's gaze and.
well.
rin scoffs and lets his gaze trickle back over to the pool. rin is imagining the same thing. ai first to arrive. ai last to leave. rin can't even chide him for overdoing it. because to ai? it's not. not by a long shot. he can go go go. like some damn energizer bunny. a slept on skill in team japan, and hopefully one miyakawa and the other coaches are keeping an eye on. still...
exhaustion wins out. and he shakily pulls his clothes on after drying himself off. he'll shower off later, doesn't want to be in a public locker room all of a sudden. there's too much chance for--
"rin."
it breaks through his thoughts, and rin doesn't even need to translate or wait for haru to finish. he just stuffs his towel in his bag, and stalks off back towards their room. and. well.
one thing leads to another.
and as rin blinks up at the blurred ceiling, hearing haru spitting in the sink, all he can think of and feel is his mattress. he doesn't look for the sky and he doesn't look for the ocean. just nonsensical patterns in the ceiling as he shakily pulls the sheets over himself and curls up. he doesn't bother with feeling anything besides tired. he doesn't even know what time it is anymore. his stomach hurts for more reason than one, and he slips off to sleep. just a nap. just for a little while.
then he'll go back at it no matter what time it is. he doesn't care. let mikhail look at him like that again. he won't. not when he sees the effort rin is putting in]
[He makes sure every single last person has left. Not just Rin, not just Nanase. Everyone. Coaches and managers included. Family included. Confidants included. Doesn't notice if someone's looked back, doesn't care. Ai has a goal and he will see to it.
All for the better, anyway. Rin and Nanase's escapade happens while he's still in the water.
It's well past lunch hours by the time he does finally vacate the pool. Having pushed himself for so long, so hard, his legs border on gelatin, and Ai has to wobble over to the benches for a moment to sit and let the world stop spinning. And it's only then, left with nothing but his thoughts for the first time since waking up, that it dawns on him. How empty it feels. How aimless it feels, looking ahead and no longer seeing anything to chase.
The welling behind his eyes is his cue to get up and shower. Another too-long affair. Passively Ai wonders if he'll ever be able to take another shower in his life without the image of Rin's back leaving out the door flashing in his head. His weakest moment. Ai nearly breaks the faucet with how emphatically he's shut the water.
Still mentally categorizing the room as a warzone, Ai instead heads into the town. He planned for this, day clothes on his body, sports bag packed more compactly than usual. He has to eat something, and ducks into the closest place that has a menu that isn't fifty percent cheese by volume. It's only as he eats he realized he did that practice on an empty stomach. Is it possible he could push even further if he actually remembered to eat breakfast tomorrow?
Over his meal, he texts Sousuke.
>>The fish here is good. >where you at >>Some place not far. It has a blue awning. >you swam hard today >>I think I might quit.
The thing about warzones is they require gunfire and troops to be considered active, so. Though Ai does a good job of ambling around on his own - a library, some sightseeing - eventually, he has to return to the hotel. Nine PM is what his phone tells him; a far cry for either Rin or Nanase to be asleep. The elevator ride up is spent counting his breaths.
He cards himself, waits three seconds, squeaks out a sorry for the intrusion and finally weasels his way in.]
[he doesn't know how long he's out. doesn't care. what tugs him out of his delusional, bleary state is ai's voice. rin jerks himself up, eyes wide. he stares at the door, conflicting emotions warring in his sleep addled brain. there's some well of relief, curdled alongside something akin to panic. he doesn't even know what he's freaking out about but--
well. maybe the guilt festering towards that squeaked out tone is what does him in. he'll never say it. but maybe ai was toeing on broken glass for once with some validity. rin scrubs his eyes with the back of his hand, pushing himself up into a more tangible state. haru's (...presumably) in the bath, and it's just the two of them. rin grits his teeth as he pushes his hair back]
...hey.
[he settles on, his voice still a little gruff from sleep. a small yawn slips through, and rin tries to let his vision focus back in...shit. his gaze lands on one of the glaring reds of the alarm clock, and he stiffens]
You have a good night?
[rin tries, he tries with all his might this time. is genuinely interested. maybe he went out with ikuya or sousuke or somebody. rin wants to hear about it, desperately craves some semblance of whatever relationship he fucking tarnished beyond feasible repair. but his interest is momentarily sidetracked by a loud knock on the door. and rin freezes, staring over at the hard expanse of wood behind ai's back. he doesn't answer, he doesn't know if ai does either. there's a discernible splash in the bathroom like dolphin boy just surfaced at the noise but.
and when nobody answers, it happens again. and so rin swallows heavily, pushing himself out from his sheets, tank all twisted and tugging his boxers up a little bit from where they were hanging so low on his hips. treat him normal, treat him normal. it's just a little fucking clothes slipping from thrashing around in his sleep. that's all. rin casts a wayward glance at ai, and the knock comes again.
"Come off it. I know you three are in there."
...azuma? rin freezes, staring at ai and back at the bathroom door. he doesn't immediately hear the water in the tub draining, but it's there. and so rin shakily tries to nudge himself past ai to open the door. and he's treated to none other than haru's coach standing in the doorway. he has...something hanging out of his pocket, but what surprises rin most is--]
...Sou?
[sousuke is there, alongside ikuya, hanging back. the younger kirishima looking scorned, like someone just slapped his nose with a newspaper, and sousuke well. looking worse for wear, but the look he levels rin with is haunting to say the least. but suddenly there's a piece of paper shoved in rin's face and.
"All of you might want to consider how you're dealing wtih this."
and rin's gaze flits between words that are too close for him to properly read. but oh that's not all. there's pictures too and--
his heart lodges in his throat, and for once in his life, rin genuinely feels a thick well of terror. his fingers tug the paper away from his face. it looks like an email printout, some sort of pdf for something. it seems professional enough, which is the worst of it all but. the headline he can barely discern through the fog. his exhaustion, what transpired between him and haru and well. everything that's suddenly laid out for him.
there's a picture of him holding the door open to ai's apartment.
there's a picture of him slung over ikuya's shoulders.
worse still are the following two.
there's two set in a very familiar parking garage. the first makes rin want to puke. it was the split second of him and haru bumping their foreheads together in sousuke's car. and the second picture?
well. rin almost feels like he's intruding on something disgustingly private. because he stares over at sousuke, and wants to sob at how his friend immediately looks away from him.
it's such a touching moment. taken from afar, cars in the foreground more in focus than the two figures but. it's easy to see the tears in sousuke's eyes. even easier still to see the tenderness in which ai touches his face. and the big blocky letters at the top. seemingly more professional than whatever voicemail had been left on his phone but.
team japan - fierce competitors, or something more?
...rin can't even look at the rest as he hears haru push out the bathroom door, and immediately freeze. doesn't need to see it or hear it, can just feel it. and immediately rin doesn't look to haru. he looks to ai. can't even make out the muted sound of azuma's voice. all he can see is the well of tears in his own eyes]
[Which doesn't answer the question of if he had a good night, because he doesn't want to give the honest answer with Nanase in earshot and Rin very clearly. Trying. Trying for normalcy, which is all Ai wants, and so Ai has to too. It was normal for him to wear his heart upon his sleeve, once upon a time, but not so much in recent years. It was normal for him to sidestep the full story when he knew Rin might get hung up on details. Especially recently, it was normal for him to disarm and dodge.
He barely walks in past the door, barely has the coherency to begin trying to say something with more substance to maybe aid Rin in this whole normalcy thing. Unfortunately, the rap at the door beats him to it, so unexpected he visibly jolts.
--
Ai doesn't need to see the contents. All he needs is Rin's twisted, messed up, pained, guilty, ruthlessly self-loathing expression. He doesn't have to look to know Sousuke's just minimized himself in a way he never does.
His blood pumps so fast from the anxiety spike he can nearly feel his palms vibrating, yet still wills himself to grab the paper and flip through it for himself. The day he and Rin were fresh off the heels of Rin's return. Of friends having a good time. Of reconnection. Of co-misery.
The tension in the room is thick enough to be sliced with a sword, and yet. It's so easy. Finding the solution is so easy because, Ai realizes, he's already written all of it off. Without that dream, without Rin ahead of him, without their aligned priorities, none of it meant anything anymore. Ai was willing to kill it all, if it means Rin doesn't have to do the same. If Rin is willing to set the whole world ablaze to get what he wants, Ai will be the one putting it all out, one pail of water at a time.
Calmly, Ai turns to face Azuma, eyebrows knit with what could be construed as genuine confusion. There's a cant of Ai's head to accompany it, as Ai makes a show of flipping through the images again, before shaking his head.]
Isn't that Team Japan's strength? That everyone is a close friend. [Ai cants his head again, and purses his lips.] It's wrong to weaponize deep friendship between male athletes. It sends the wrong message.
[Ai holds his hands out to pass the pdfs back. His expression turns determined, almost obstinate, as he mentally prepares for being the fall man.]
We have a duty to each other. I want to openly support and love the friends I've made on this team. If I can't do that, then I don't think this is leadership I want to swim for anymore.
Edited (homophone moment) Date: 2026-03-06 05:34 am (UTC)
[maybe shock is what has rendered him completely useless. ai plucking the papers from his hand like they were never there to begin with. he's still staring blankly. and there's guilt a plenty. every now and again there was that feeling, especially after that fucking voicemail. that someone was watching or following. and in a place so busy as the streets just outside ai's apartment, well. maybe rin should have trusted his gut more, stopped going out...
but hiding is never the answer either.
he doesn't know where to land his gaze. it flits between everyone effected. ikuya rubbing his arm. sousuke staring at the carpet like it might light on fucking fire and give him an out with the intensity of his gaze. haru just standing there like he always does. though there's a slight tick in his jaw to show even he isn't unaffected. and well of course at the center of this whole thing is fucking ai.
speaking coherently, like he is the only one with a brain. rin's bitched at azuma before and felt the wrath and fury of it. he never would again, and he doesn't know how ai can stand his ground so easily, stare at him so determined. it makes that knot furl tighter in rin's throat. and he just about chokes out a sob that sounds like something else entirely]
Ai--
[he watches azuma snatch the papers back, expression wholly unchanged as he regards ai. and then shoots a glare over at haru, and practically smacks him in the nose with the papers. haru huffs and takes them as azuma stuffs his hands in his pockets. well of course haru was always going to get the brunt of this. and mikhail already well...]
I--I'm sorry.
[rin stiffly bows much too sharply, trying to level out his breathing. this is all his fault. he's trashed his friends names and reputations. if he had just stayed in sydney...he doesn't even know who the apology is directed at at first. sousuke? haru? ikuya?
...ai? azuma?
rin's teeth are sinking into his lip so hard there's a tang of copper coating his tongue. he wants to spit, wants to crawl back into bed and pretend this just never fucking happened. because he hears something most of all, that instills that panic. i don't think this is a leadership i want to swim for anymore. and rin stares at ai from the corner of his eye, something almost pleading as azuma huffs.
"the JSF is fair. but isn't going to take this lying down, you know. they've got an image to uphold. and you idiots need to watch yourselves. that's part of a conservative country."
azuma seems to be leveling ai with that comment as he huffs and whips around stiffly. his head hangs low as he mutters to himself. and leaves everyone else in the dust. and rin thinks back on the things haru has told him about azuma's life and...oh. he stares over at the two in the hallway, who seem to take the dismissal. sousuke stalks off without another word, ikuya pauses to glance over at haru and say night before he too wanders off. which just leaves...
"i'm going to the pool."
...big fucking surprise, as haru pushes past rin and makes his way downstairs. like he didn't just get out of the bath. rin grits his teeth and a fuck you slips between his teeth before he scrubs at his face for an entirely different reason now, and stiffly makes his way back into their room. that sentence keeps playing over and over in his head. almost pounding in his eardrums. i don't think this is a leadership i want to swim for anymore. and rin just about slaps his hands over his ears, like that will make it go away]
[It is incredible what the human body and mind is capable of when one is already assured there is nothing left to lose. Rin is gone; Ai is sure swimming is about to be gone. He doesn't even have a job to go back to at home. Just him, and his embarrassing existence. Who better to stand up bravely and valiantly like a dramatic child? Were Ai to catch the fall, he'd suffer the least consequence, as consequence has already come for him, wave after wave.
It's why even as Azuma turns around and tries to get the last word in and shuffles out of their room like he didn't just shake the core of five people, Ai's expression hardens, about to bite something back but Haru eclipses him with his announcement of his pool departure. And Ai lets the moment go. He isn't an idiot, he knows Azuma's frank delivery is because there is some truth to the salacious nature of some of what's transpired. All of the mistakes that happened behind that apartment door. All the tumult hidden behind a gentle forehead touch. The most mistakes lay between Ai and Sousuke, which he has on good authority, and it's only with bittersweet rumination that Ai can realize how magically none of that matters. Maybe they were too good at hiding it; maybe Sousuke wasn't important enough yet. Maybe they weren't Rin and Nanase, Team Japan's most beloved poster boys.
The door clicks. Ai feels-- nothing. It's scary, how much of nothing one can feel. Unbridled apathy, like the deep and yawning void of the cosmos, stretching on and on for lightyears with not a single star or dwarf or planet or moon in sight. Just the expansive, swallowing nothingness.
Evidently Rin's not in the same boat, who immediately pins a cuss to Nanase's back as he slips out, and is dealing with the tears that had built and spilled and-- covers his ears. Ai assumes he has Azuma's last quip on repeat. Ai can't blame him; this is all Rin's ever worked for.
How easy it is, to slip into that role. Third best, confidant. Disposable tissue? Even if the apathy threatens to swallow him whole, the concern he feels for Rin is real, and visceral. Ai doesn't dare move to try and assuage him physically as he might've even two days ago, but. It's wrought plain in the knot on his brow line, and how he's setting his sports bag down as if ready to have to move.]
Rin-senpai, are you alright? [A dumb question, but it's a start. So Ai amends immedately,] That was a lot.
...
[There's a star somewhere in that vast, empty cosmos. Just one. Tiny, and red, and on the verge of supernova.]
It's not fair. It's not fair to weaponize friendship like that. And I don't think the answer is for you to lay down and take it.
[It'd be easier if I did. Words he keeps tight on his tongue.]
[he slumps on his bed, already feeling like garbage. no, lower than garbage. lower than dirt. that last eclipse of absolute guilt and the strange look from ikuya...haru shouldering out like whatever happened a few hours ago didn't happen at all--like the stupid picture in the parking garage didn't either--is laughable.
and that's what rin does.
it takes a minute for ai's words to resonate, to actually shoulder through the echoes in his head. there's an urge to lash out. but at who? the only culpable individual in this whole thing is rin himself. far too carefree, and emotionally charged. it's his friends names he's sullied through all of this. he sinks back onto his mattress in a sitting position, trying to level out his breathing, trying not to snap. ai doesn't deserve it. he's the least at fault through all of this]
Yeah. Should have figured it didn't go away.
[another laugh with no weight behind it, finally peeling his palms away from his ears and letting them rest on his lap. twitching and fiddling with the digits as though that will make this all go away somehow. he shifts to look over at ai]
It's on me. How else will it play out?
[he looks back towards the nightstand. no, he wants to own up. for once in his life take some fucking responsibility towards his own self inflicted actions. he's never answered for all the pain he caused in his first year back right.
is this some long awaited bout of karma, finally striking when the iron is hot? when else would be so ripe for the taking, except at the precipice of his career--the thing he's worked so hard for? rin's shocked he isn't crying. maybe there's a slight hint of it in his tone, sure. but maybe those tears have long since dried up. he sighs again, rubbing the back of his neck. he's too strung out to even be pissed anymore. it just feels like a far off emotion]
...it'll die down. They haven't even published it yet. Everyone gets tabloids.
[...right? rin doesn't even believe himself speaking]
[For once. Just once. Ai isn't interested in downplaying Rin's role in it all.
Because while he still fundamentally believes he is the original sin - having been to eager, too hopeful, too delusional at points to stop while he was ahead, to give Rin the room to make his own choices without casualties, to keep at least one person off his hit list that could come back to bite him in the ass later - Ai is still raw. All of it still hurts, gnawing at him from the inside out.
Worse than that, really, Ai is painfully aware Rin saw that photo. Ai had banked on he and Sousuke's private moment of commiserating to be exactly that until the day they died, but evidently not. Even just thinking about it again - thinking about Rin knowing, feeling guilty again - has his breath seizing in his throat and his extremities going numb from where the blood in his veins pushes so fast his skin practically vibrates from the anxiety.
So much so he's rooted in place, won't move. Can't. Grips his opposite wrist and digs his thumb into his palm.
Ai stares down at the carpet. Should Rin chance a look at his expression, despite everything, he'd see resolute conviction.]
The only people who will be angry will be management. But I think the people reading will have a different opinion entirely.
[Ai wholeheartedly believes the public would side with them, but the public isn't what pays their sponsorships. Which is why--]
... It's why I said what I said.
[Yes, that. Because he knows Rin's dream isn't meant to die here, and Ai's already hanging on by a thread. It'd be the cleanest option to hang just one of them out to dry, to send a message and clean the slate. Rin doesn't have to know Ai had been ideating on it beforehand.
... Not that he's made a decision yet either. He chews the inside of his bottom lip and then quickly adds an asterisk,]
If it comes to that.
[It makes me angry. How many people have to hurt in the pursuit of one person. How much the ground has to raze where Rin runs to chase it. Having written himself out of the picture, Ai can only watch now, and hope that Rin doesn't set fire to his career in that same pursuit, too.]
[it would be dumb not to recognize that parking garage. if there was one picture taken of him and haru then...it would be easy enough to assume the exact moment the other was. rin feels that fresh well of agony, like bile twisting in the back of his throat. nothing happened, nothing happened. not then. but he knows exactly how that picture cements things.
how it gave way to whatever ai and sousuke were feeling. rarely in rin's life that seems to be growing smaller by the second, has he felt such hot flashes of everything boiling over. if only he'd kept his cool at a different time, kept that porcelain from shattering. then maybe he wouldn't be repeating that mantra of ai's words over and over in his head. no, that's the easy way he out. dimly, he knows one thing.
he deserves to suffer. he deserves to hear those things.
rin looks over at ai, unsung tears heavy and laden in his own gaze. they've dried up for a while. maybe to spare some to ai instead. finally at the top. and everything's threatening to crash down around them...or maybe. maybe rin is being stupid. maybe ai's right. god, he always is isn't he? if he'd just listened earlier. hell, seen the signs throughout their youth...this never would have happened.
he blinks, slow. mulling over ai's words less as a punishment, and more as a stark realization. one that has his eyes wide, and him biting the inside of his lip in turn. he tastes copper, and his fingers rip into the sheets below him. no. no. that was just something he said in a moment of passion, right? ai's not actually considering...]
No.
[rin growls. it's something that's akin to true anger, something he hasn't felt in so long. all coagulated with a thousand other things he can't and won't name. rin shoots a fierce look over at ai. like he's the one responsible for ai's decision making....well. isn't he the one who's dragged him to this global stage? and all the trials and tribulations inbetween?]
The same sight. Right??
[and his voice breaks. something more pleading. like he isn't riding the high of everything from yesterday...everything from a few hours ago. and now this? he doesn't know how he hasn't split into a million pieces by now]
[He doesn't flinch, having Rin's righteous fury aimed right at him. But god, does he want to disappear. Why does Rin sound so desperate?? Ai can't bring himself to parse it. Of course they're still friends, of course they are, the idea that the end of the road was somewhere in that vending machine cove never once crossed Ai's mind, and god willing it never will. So why then does it always surprise him when Rin makes these beckons?
It isn't as though Rin hasn't tried. Maybe the mistakes have just piled too high, Ai's sentiments included. Hope burning too bright, obfuscating what should have been obvious from the start. Now it's Ai's turn to feel guilty, like a horrible friend.
Ai swallows, hard.]
If it comes to that.
[Standing his ground, because Rin would be a fool to think Ai would speak in vain. But what doesn't show - what Ai hopes doesn't show - is the reconsideration under the surface. He'd been one broken straw away from packing it all up, flying home, and leaving this entire chapter of his life behind. Rin looking at him with such scorn is the only reason Ai doesn't make the call to his uncle. Is it a good reason? It doesn't feel like it. It was one thing when he chose to swim for Rin; it was another being asked it. Ai feels incredibly selfish and disgusting for the way the thought of too little too late flits through his head...
He relents, pressing his knuckles to the middle of his forehead; finally, a crack in the strong facade he'd worn while Azuma and the others were in the room. His breath skips, as if the dams have broken, but Ai once again builds his reserves back in record time. A slow, concentrated breath in. A slow, steady breath out.]
I just. I have a lot of work ahead, is all.
[Figuring out what it all means, now. What internally is driving him forward. What his place is in Rin's life, coloured completely differently now.
But ever eager not to keep the attention on him, and perhaps eager to rub salt in the wound in the pursuit of his selflessness, Ai for a moment looks over his shoulder to the door, before finally circling to his bed and sitting down. Holds his head in the juncture of his thumb and forefinger.]
Shouldn't you make sure he's alright?
[Nanase, he means. Ai knew him to be awfully self-kept, but the way he borderline stormed out... So much is a blindspot for him, and Ai's done trying to read it. He's done his part, as far as he's concerned. Speaking of doing his part-- Ai reaches for his phone, haphazardly typing out a few texts to Sousuke.
>>Will you be alright? >>About what I said earlier, I'm sorry. >>And that photo, I'm deeply sorry.]
[he can see the crumble in ai's facade. a barely there thing. and maybe if rin were selfishly tangled up in the confines of his own head, he might have missed it. but he doesn't because for once he's actually too fixated on ai, taking every step and treading with caution it's like the effort evaporates entirely.
though rin doesn't know. or maybe he does and is just choosing to remain ignorant. how close ai was--is--to packing up anyways. maybe rin just doesn't want to believe he could be teetering so close to that. he wants to reach in and try to comfort him, pretend like everything is alright and nothing bad has ever happened. but that's a fucking lie and he can't find the truth in it. even to help his friends.
he's too scared of messing everything up all over again. and so he can only offer his words, too terrified of rekindling something or crossing a line that ai doesn't want and can't take]
You've worked harder than any of us. You know that.
[he settles on instead. though rin grits his teeth in damn near agony at the mention of haru, twisting his gaze to the side. whether it's a rekindling of that guilt he felt for what transpired in here, sacred territory or the guilt of everything last night...rin pinches the bridge of his nose, trying to even out his own breaths in turn. except fat lot of good that does, and he spits out a reply instead]
Fuck him. I don't give a shit about him.
[a lie. a lie and he knows it. maybe unconsciously trying to not further rub salt in ai's wounds. who's to say? but he doesn't care. he doesn't want to chase after haru. he stares at ai going for his phone and wrenches his gaze away. too guilty and knowing all too well who ai is texting at a time like this. rin stares over at his own phone but...looks over to haru's nightstand and his phone is there. and he has to bite down the laughter as he scrubs his face with the back of his hand. so it wouldn't matter]
...I'm sorry. I know I wasn't supposed to see that.
[that's a sight rin can put to the back of his mind. if he can ever get over the guilt. and so rin takes his phone instead and texts sousuke. i'm sorry. i'm fucking sorry and i don't deserve you and i hate myself well...him and sousuke have always had their own language. rin's slips into more frenzied emotional states is just one of them.
[Ai furrows his brow, and puts his phone down. Because he doesn't understand Rin's sudden fury at Nanase, too. His worst sin was-- what, patiently waiting for Rin to come to the half-way point? Ai's shifting to lay down, but his eyes are pinned on Rin's face.]
We both know you don't mean that.
[Ai's always been an advocate for Rin's truth, after all. For the things that could bring back his smile. It was there, in that photo. That whole day, the only time in weeks Ai had seen Rin so happy. Before his leg failed him, Ai felt Nanase had accomplished in minutes what Ai had tried to do for months... Just like first year, too.
The recollection pings in his chest like a dart through a board, so Ai does the irresponsible thing of not processing it and just shoving it aside for now. Rubs at his face, as if that might help screw his head back on straight or similar. Fat chance Rin comes down from his fury any time soon, and Ai is certain he's also swirling with guilt and anger and disappointment and fear and so so many other things. Such was their lockstep: Ai waiting stalwart, and Rin banking on that safety net.
How sick is it, then? That the one time he let himself be vulnerable, truly vulnerable - belly up and begging for clairvoyance vulnerable - it was exploited and caught on film. No, Rin wasn't supposed to see that in a million years. In much the same way Rin was never supposed to and never did see Ai crying on balconies or stairwells or rooves. Rin can try to spin it however he likes; evidently, everyone else around him knew what that conversation meant. What that forehead touch meant. Ai had banked on he and Sousuke being far away enough to commiserate in their unique shared experience. Instead--]
It's okay. I'm sorry I lied.
[About where they had gone that afternoon.
Ai doesn't get a response from Sousuke, but Rin will:
>well >youre not doing this alone so >hope you change your mind soon
Ai doesn't realize he's doing it, ghosting his fingertips over the side of his neck. Bittersweet misery floods his system, making itself known in an awry, rueful smile plastered on his lips.]
Isn't it funny? Your friend must not know how much trouble he's caused. If the world looked at me now, would they still think I was that brazen?
[The forensics had all been in plain sight, after all. His marks almost gone, but the ones on Rin's neck outstanding. Ai doesn't mean to talk about such a vulnerable and sensitive thing so suddenly, but. What else is there to lose?]
Mikhail-oyaji is likely waiting for the next mistake. So if nothing else, I should try to prove him wrong.
[he does mean that. why won't anyone fucking believe him? all throughout the years, haru has done nothing but piss him off time and time again. and when rin reacts the way he should? everyone tells him he doesn't mean it or drudges out some other long lost complicated feeling he has towards the blue eyed freak.
and ai's always somehow been at the center of that. maybe he's just angry that haru walked away for once, like rin has always done before. still, he doesn't dignify it with a response, dimly aware it might equally drudge up an entirely different mess--one they've apparently worked past. and so rin drops it. it's not worth it. not when ai has his own pains that need attention. rin's sick of his selfish attitude. and so for once he shuts up and listens. though ai gets a scoff at the lie comment. it's almost a laugh]
Doesn't bother me. Sorry you...had to see that.
[and make your own assumptions. rin's elbows dig into his thighs, as he crosses his hands to press against his forehead, and keep his head afloat. it already feels like it's swimming, sure. except he doesn't know if he has the strength to keep floating.... he blinks over at his phone, carefully brushing his thumb over the screen.
there's a ghost of a tug at the corner of his mouth. we're seeing this through to the end. dumbfuck. you're not alone either, got it? and he lets his phone fall back towards the bed. and he keeps his attention back on ai, taking it in. sharing the pain because it's all he can do now. he feels the guilt, but instead of bristle he lays down and takes it, his gaze sweeping back down towards the carpet]
Don't think he even keeps up on swimming outside of if I win something...
[...rin pauses. looking back to ai, carefully considering his words]
I think you underestimate your potential.
[and maybe rin doesn't understand the weight behind his words, or how eerily similar they carry towards someone else's. but he's always stuck to that philosophy and refuses to let it die. even now]
Fuck that crackpot too, he doesn't know what he's talking about.
[rin doesn't really know who he's trying to convince. ai or himself. even if there's a hint of affection in his words. despite his misgivings, mikhail has been the one to get him this far...even if he doesn't agree with ninety nine percent of what the freak says. especially when it comes to his nephew]
[Ai shakes his head sympathetically. It was Rin's moment to have, after all. Sousuke had been the responsible one who pulled Ai away, able to read a room. There's not much else Ai can say on the matter that's nice, so. He doesn't drag it on. He knows himself well enough to know when he's vulnerable and hurting he can sometimes be no better than Rin when in the same state, the only difference that Ai delivers his scathing remarks with a smile or the certainty of a god. Lucky for them both, he's simply too exhausted to pick that fight.
... Not that discussing matters of family is better. If Rin knew just how much hearing his own uncle call Ai a mistake had affected Ai's psyche, Ai thinks he'd have attended a funeral a few days prior instead of a training camp.
Though Rin's comment isn't lost on him. Don't crush your own potential. That's what Rin would say. Something that gave him so much strength, once upon a time. Now, it leaves Ai at a crossroads, paralyzed by his own outstanding incompetence. Did Rin see the pathetic way he swam today? Ai crosses his arms over his face.]
I don't know yet.
[If he was a mistake in Rin's life, Ai's just rectified that the night before, and the fallout will clear where he stands. If he was a mistake on the national team, then surely Azuma and Miyakawa would put him out to pasture where he belongs. And if neither of those things were true, Ai guesses Rin's asked him to stand at the top of the world, even if it's with red eyes and blubbery tears and a confused heart. All of it seems so woefully aimless right now - is this how Rin felt, returning from Australia? Landing in his dorm room? In his apartment? Ai rolls over, so Rin doesn't have to watch the way Ai's arms wrap around himself.]
I'll figure it out. I don't really have a choice, so that's as good a motivation as any.
[It's a weak attempt at humour, but. He's trying, alright? If he goes through it logically, what's the alternative? Landing back in Tokyo and begging for his shitty part-time job back? Shoring up to Shimogami and having their classmates ogle him as the slut who dropped out of the team? It feels unfair, how the only logical way to prove the whole world wrong is to be at the place that is holding his misery hostage. And unlike Rin, Ai doesn't think some blue-eyed hero is going to drop in and magically make it all seem so much brighter.
Funny. How the adoration and admiration he still feels in his chest wells up not like butterflies, but like hands creeping around his throat.]
You've done it. Sousuke-senpai beat the odds, too. So I guess it's my turn now.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2026-02-23 09:27 pm (UTC)Ai has just nearly grasped the edges of unconsciousness when the sun begins to threaten to break through their pulled curtains; Rin's alarm drives the nail in. Ugh, Ai groans to himself mentally, I forgot to shift my alarm back. In all of the chaos of the day before, Ai neglected to set himself for even a modicum of success. It isn't that he wants to avoid Rin, exactly, but that Ai is eager to make himself as unavailable and small as possible. To get through the next week and some change with as little damage as possible. The easiest way to do that? Be seen as little as possible. Getting up earlier than the other two in the room meant getting to the pool faster meant being unavailable for longer... But.
Instead, as his head pounds and his eyes open to stare blearily at the inside flap of his duvet pulled over his head, Ai realizes he needs a plan B. Simple: just wait for Rin to leave the room. Then Ai can get up and start his morning and make a clean esca--]
be-beep! be-beep! be-beep! be-beep!
[His alarm says otherwise. Ai lets it ring for way too long before deciding that tormenting Haruka who is still very much asleep isn't worth it; at once he darts out from under his covers, grabs his phone, and mashes the silent button on his screen. Hell... He looks to the bathroom. It's too much pressure to stand there and wait, right? As if he's rushing Rin. Ai especially doesn't want to invite a conversation yet; everything is still too fresh. So evenly split between trying to front as if everything is alright and wanting to disappear. Turns out, those two attempts at reality are diametrically opposed to one another.
He cuts the difference; stays in bed, duvet under his arms. But, his back is turned toward the bathroom, facing the front door. Paying Rin his privacy and a silent I won't bother you, sorry. Probably two, three more minutes and he'll get up...]
no subject
Date: 2026-02-27 04:14 am (UTC)--he fucking stabs the inside of his cheek at the sound of that alarm with his toothbrush, wincing at the sharp pain followed by menthal and shit shit shit that fucking burns! he spits the toothpaste out in a hurry, wincing as he tries to dip his mouth under the faucet and rinse it out. what a way to start the morning!!
in any sane verse, rin matsuoka would slam the door open and strangle haru and ai even if it was only one of their phones that went off. but unfortunately, in this one, he just grits his teeth and ties his hair back hastily, ignoring the blossom of pain from his cheek. wait. if he remembers actually, that's ai's alarm. because on what planet earth does haru set an alarm for himself? he either perfectly wakes up at the right time or doesn't wake up at all!! and there's been so many mornings that...his coffee shop shifts...
he tosses his toothbrush back in his bathroom bag and tosses it on some corner on the counter, stalking out of the bathroom. he glances over at ai's bed. the alarm went off, and haru's still in his burrito so he's awake...right? rin clears his throat, seeing the line of ai's back which. digs at something in him. what the hell is he doing?]
...morning.
[rin starts off with, sliding down the closet with his back against it, grabbing for his shoes. testing the waters. if ai doesn't answer him fine he'll just leave but. rin still feels that tenseness from the night before, the rawness of all those tears and...]
no subject
Date: 2026-02-27 04:29 am (UTC)And the world doesn't screech to a halt. The sun doesn't explode, the universe doesn't combust. His gut doesn't even churn with that knot-like anxiety that wholly consumed him the night before. Ai can't tell if it's apathy, dissociation, or if it'll hit him later like a freight train once his body is able to process what his mind hasn't yet. Either way, he's able to conjure the wherewithal to roll over onto his back...
Sit up, and look at Rin. Ah, there it is. The lurch in his chest, as if all of him had seized on an elevator and gravity decided today was the day. More than his own latent angst, Ai is painfully aware something has transpired last night between Rin and Haruka, and isn't keen on making Rin's day any worse. It's easy, to slip into that smile he's gotten so so so used to putting on.]
Good morning, senpai.
[He keeps his voice quiet, cognizant of the third body in the room. More to fill the silence than because he wants to, Ai finally shifts out of bed; it'd become apparent to Rin in an instant that Ai never changed last night, still in jeans and a sweater. Nice jeans, the ones Ikuya said made his legs look longer. And a nice sweater, one Momo gifted him a year ago. What he couldn't have known would be his final attempt at normalcy, worn plain on his body still, like the gold and steel found on mountainside corpses.
He gets up because that's approximately four more seconds he can buy before feeling the instinct to fill the silence, because doing so alleviates the weight of it all for them both, and Ai, always perceptive, can tell Rin is. Trying. So.]
Going for a run? Careful, I think I saw it'd rain a little.
[He bows his head waaay too politely while skirting around Rin to get into the bathroom.]
no subject
Date: 2026-03-03 03:02 am (UTC)but there's fact in it all. there's no screaming match or fists being raised...not that ai would ever in a million years. and rin thinks bitterly to the time he did raise his hand at ai and fist up his shirt and--]
Yeah.
[he answers dully instead, pulling his shoes on and redoing his laces as some means of stalling. testing the waters to see where ai is in his internal predicaments. it's just a run. it's nothing out of the blue. but ai's voice seems almost too cordial and reserved. and rin knows the feeling. knows what it's like to desperately try to squash yourself into nothing around someone to minimize the space you take up. and maybe that's what makes his chest clench even more.
the prospect of ai feeling like he has to do something like that at all. rin blinks at the clothing, but says nothing. because normally it would be easy to go late night, huh? but that seems gross and sour as it flitters through his head. so he too squashes that with a small cough]
It's not bad. Feels nice.
[trying to think less on a time where he ran out in the rain from sousuke's house, the nightmare that started everything...it would be so easy to laugh at himself right now. he really does hate himself. but similar to ai, he minimizes it, knotting off his laces and tucking them. he hesitates for a moment, scooting to give ai room to get to the bathroom and rubbing the back of his neck]
...you can come if you want.
[rin knows what the answer is. but]
no subject
Date: 2026-03-03 03:28 am (UTC)Isn't that he wants to completely erase himself from the spot he used to take up right at Rin's side. Not his intention to disappear completely, forever. It isn't that he doesn't want to run with Rin but that Ai doesn't know what to do, and spending more time together seemed counter-intuitive to the whole getting over it thing, so. He turns in the doorway, waiting until Rin's stood up so Ai can flash him that apologetic simper of his - this, too, will become increasingly more common in the coming days, no doubt.
Surely Rin can hear the sincere rueful delivery in his voice,]
I think I'll head straight to the pool today.
[And isn't that just a too-perfect delivery? Completely absolving Rin of any guilt (a new priority, Ai realizes); giving himself an easy out. Giving Rin a known place he'll be so he doesn't have to go into the same frenzy he did last night. If walking on eggshells was an Olympic sport, Ai would be a ten time winning gold medalist at this rate.
More than anything, though. More than anything, and especially now, he doesn't want to be treated differently. All of this, in fact, manufactured specifically to go back to the way things had been, once upon a time. Grant Rin the freedom to look past the veneer of the countless mistakes they'd both made together, a pile so high it was difficult to see over. So, he won't punish Rin for asking. Even if Ai can't discern for himself if Rin's genuinely wanting for his company, or throwing him a bone.
Mind made up and figuring Rin will just take off, Ai turns back into the bathroom, starting the sink to brush his teeth.]
no subject
Date: 2026-03-06 02:56 am (UTC)loud and clear.
it's tempting to put on a front, make a scene and fuss left and right over it. it's not like they always run together. but they did yesterday. they have in the past. and ai's tone really sells it. it's so carefully constructed that rin feels the slightest nudge might spread the pieces out every which way. and it's never been rin's intention to treat ai differently. far from it.
he's been the one staunchly trying to pretend it's all normal and hunky dory. when obviously that's the worst idea to grace them both. rin stares up at ai, expression devoid of much for a while. he glances over at the lump shifting in bed, before looking back at ai and--]
Yeah. Sure.
[giving ai his space. what he should have done. rin wonders if he had never reached out, never taken that offer after reconnecting. would they be in this predicament?
he groans, and tries not to gnaw at his lip, pushing himself up and giving ai on last glance]
...see ya.
[and he goes out on his run]
no subject
Date: 2026-03-06 03:09 am (UTC)All the same he loathes that look on Rin's face. Blank, distant, away. And all his fault. If only he could have been a better friend, none of this would be part of their present circumstance. If only he could have been a little stronger--]
Have a good run.
[And then Rin's gone. And Ai knows he'll see him probably in about two hours. He knows the world won't stop spinning, the sun won't fall out of the sky. He made this exact choice, to stay in the bathroom and brush his teeth slower than he ever has and mentally recall his schedule to keep the tears at bay. And yet, agency or no agency, the yawning, hollow void in his chest yells and begs to be filled. Somehow. One step at a time, he guesses. Maybe the pool will help, if he can get over the whole seeing the same sight thing. Heavens know that's a bygone now.
Tooth brush poking out his mouth, Ai can't help but peek around the doorway to the other remaining lump in the bed. A mystery, as far as Ai is concerned. A blank space he doesn't know how to handle. Does Nanase have any idea the lengths Ai's gone to, for no reason other than knowing what path forward was objectively easiest? Ai often tries not to stick his nose in other peoples' business, but the vague, unidentifiable passivity radiating off the middle bed doesn't settle well. What happened last night?
Ai realizes he's being several times of unfair, and also is procrastinating, and spits and rinses with sudden alacrity. Figuring Nanase will remain asleep or "asleep", Ai takes the quickest route out of the room: changing right next to his suitcase, slipping his shoes on at the door, and then slipping out.]
no subject
Date: 2026-03-06 03:26 am (UTC)it's just what he's been doing since the very beginning, after all.
after running himself into the ground, he goes back to a very empty room and huffs, running his hand through his hair. it's tempting to lavish in the solitude for once. but then again, rin has never been a stranger to dorm living or living with others. solitude has never suited him but...maybe now the idea is tempting--
no. he has work to do.
he takes a few minutes to charge his phone, rinse himself off quick and change into swim gear and throws a few clothes over it. he laments at having to pretend like everything is fine poolside. but hopefully everyone is just too caught up in their own workouts to pay them much mind...still.
he gets to the pool, and it all seems normal. so normal, it makes him want to fucking laugh. because life carries on so easily, and like ai internalizes so easily. the sun isn't falling out of the sky. he sees haru powering through some laps, and immediately stops looking for familiar faces as he dumps his bag on one of the benches, peeling out of his clothes and pulling his goggles out of it. he makes the mistake of looking towards the stands and--
...sees azuma and mikhail casting a glance over at him.
he stiffens, and tries to ignore it, diving into the pool to warm up. the whole time he keeps his eyes to himself, not wanting to seek out any shade of blue. there's enough in the pool already]
no subject
Date: 2026-03-06 03:51 am (UTC)It's nice, the first hour. Maybe one or two other people join, and not from their team. The mild contempt he's developed for the water forgotten under its gentle tow.
And then people start arriving. He isn't shocked Sousuke is among one of the firsts other than himself, though is a little surprised to see the younger Kirishima in tow, having assumed him to work more at his own tempo; Ai pauses at the wall to greet them both. The subtle pause after Sousuke asks everything going alright? isn't lost on him, though does seem to be lost on Ikuya, which is enough for Ai to know Sousuke hasn't said shit. Thank god. Ai decides it's as decent time as any to take a small hydration break, and gets out of the pool.
That's when management and coaches enter. So many he doesn't actually know the names of, but his uncle and his uncle's ex-situationship? Yeah. It isn't lost on Ai that Mikhail doesn't approach him on the poolside bench, either. Whether his intuition is so sharp he knows something has happened, or his nephew is that far off his radar as far as swimming is concerned, Ai can't tell. Either way, he's never been more eager to get back in the water, and so his half-empty canister remains unlidded on the bench as he gets back into a lane.
It's shortly after a second wave pours in. On a flip turn, Ai catches a glimpse of tell-tale black hair and how it dives into the far lane. And like curiosity does, it encourages Ai to pause at the wall for just a few seconds and scope for whether or not red is in tow. It isn't, and he isn't sure if he's frustrated, relieved, or both.
When Rin does arrive, Ai's already about four-thousand meters deep and still pushing. Slowly, but his form is decent. Should someone call time trials it'd probably be game over, though. Maybe it's for the best he doesn't notice Rin's joined; they both have the same idea, eyes nowhere else but either the bottom of the pool or the wall ahead.]
no subject
Date: 2026-03-06 04:05 am (UTC)fuck. rin nearly veers out of his lane, and it isn't exactly lost on him the raven hair that's in the lane beside him...he grits his teeth, which just puts him into a more dizzying frenzy. it's supposed to be just a warm up. and that's exactly what he intends on keeping this. even if everything in him is nagging to either pick up the pace, or cast a glance elsewhere to see where his teammates are littered about.
but apparently haru doesn't get the message. and they settle whatever transpired last night like they always do. in the pool.
even through the numbing exhaustion and mental anguish, they swim like they always do. with everything they have in them. though rin is filled with a silent fury when haru slaps the wall a tenth of a second ahead of him. and silently they go at it again and again. until even haru pulls himself out of the pool after casting rin a sidelong glance, once filled with concern and...something else.
not that rin is looking to decipher it as he goes back to practically drowning himself in lieu of manning up and facing the music of his actions. through the fog, he knows ai is pushing himself similarly. and rin doesn't know whether to swell with pride or fucking hate himself more at the prospect.
...no. rin fully intends to keep going until he can barely stand.
and so he does. pushing himself to his absolute limits, the very thing he and azuma had chastised haru for. but this is different. everytime he catches mikhail or sousuke or anyone's gaze when he comes up gasping for air, he meets it with narrowed eyes. something that says got a problem? i'm fine before he dives back in.
he doesn't know how long he's been going. all he knows is he is groaning as he hoists himself out of the pool, and is on his knees panting harshly. he hears sousuke and ikuya walking by, don't ask him how he knows it before he hears their voices but. there's concern from sousuke, and while ikuya's comment is concerned, it still holds the barb of their normal quips. rin just laughs, swallowing down air]
Can't get better without hard work, right?
[and sousuke rolls his eyes. "don't want to hear about your bum shoulder if you push it too much." and rin laughs, though there's a level of unease in it because. well, that's a grim reality isn't it?]
no subject
Date: 2026-03-06 04:17 am (UTC)Does his already abysmal pace drop even slower? Maybe. Breast is harder to maintain at such a leisurely pace, though; his form suffers for it. His head pulls up too high, his legs kick too wide to keep the buoyancy. He accidentally swats his lanemate coming down the opposite way with a too-wide recovery. Ah, I'm sorry, is barely squeaked, before Ai just about gives up. Very literally rolls onto his back and finishes his lap not even pulling, just kicking with his legs. Vaguely somewhere he can hear a the hell?, but can't tell the voice, neither can he discern if it's in relation to his current shitshow or to whatever pissing contest is going on in the far end of the pool. Or mating ritual. Whatever.
Someone less knowledgeable might call him a copy cat, the way he breaks into a front crawl instead after coming to the wall. But someone with a finger on the pulse will know that crawl is the stroke that keeps one's head under the water for the longest, especially with three-pulse breathing. It's so much easier to drown all of it out. The splashing, the eyes, the implications.
Does he plan on being the first to arrive, last to leave? With any luck. This, too, isn't unusual; Nitori Aiichirou always had to pour in more hard work to account for the seemingly natural skill most of their teammates seemed to be equipped with. And didn't have the nicety of a coach to cut out the fat. The masquerade is pretty simple, then - obviously he's pushing past burnout fever because he has to, and not because he's avoiding the waking world in the most productive way possible.]
no subject
Date: 2026-03-06 04:33 am (UTC)it's no surprise. to some who don't pay attention it might sure. but it was something ai excelled in. long distance most of all. and rin selfishly takes in that sight for a moment, while he's catching his breath. he can't quite place what he's feeling. a numbness overall, sure. but there's a spark of...something. but that something quickly dies because as soon as he pushes himself to his feet, he catches his other roommate's gaze and.
well.
rin scoffs and lets his gaze trickle back over to the pool. rin is imagining the same thing. ai first to arrive. ai last to leave. rin can't even chide him for overdoing it. because to ai? it's not. not by a long shot. he can go go go. like some damn energizer bunny. a slept on skill in team japan, and hopefully one miyakawa and the other coaches are keeping an eye on. still...
exhaustion wins out. and he shakily pulls his clothes on after drying himself off. he'll shower off later, doesn't want to be in a public locker room all of a sudden. there's too much chance for--
"rin."
it breaks through his thoughts, and rin doesn't even need to translate or wait for haru to finish. he just stuffs his towel in his bag, and stalks off back towards their room. and. well.
one thing leads to another.
and as rin blinks up at the blurred ceiling, hearing haru spitting in the sink, all he can think of and feel is his mattress. he doesn't look for the sky and he doesn't look for the ocean. just nonsensical patterns in the ceiling as he shakily pulls the sheets over himself and curls up. he doesn't bother with feeling anything besides tired. he doesn't even know what time it is anymore. his stomach hurts for more reason than one, and he slips off to sleep. just a nap. just for a little while.
then he'll go back at it no matter what time it is. he doesn't care. let mikhail look at him like that again. he won't. not when he sees the effort rin is putting in]
no subject
Date: 2026-03-06 04:51 am (UTC)All for the better, anyway. Rin and Nanase's escapade happens while he's still in the water.
It's well past lunch hours by the time he does finally vacate the pool. Having pushed himself for so long, so hard, his legs border on gelatin, and Ai has to wobble over to the benches for a moment to sit and let the world stop spinning. And it's only then, left with nothing but his thoughts for the first time since waking up, that it dawns on him. How empty it feels. How aimless it feels, looking ahead and no longer seeing anything to chase.
The welling behind his eyes is his cue to get up and shower. Another too-long affair. Passively Ai wonders if he'll ever be able to take another shower in his life without the image of Rin's back leaving out the door flashing in his head. His weakest moment. Ai nearly breaks the faucet with how emphatically he's shut the water.
Still mentally categorizing the room as a warzone, Ai instead heads into the town. He planned for this, day clothes on his body, sports bag packed more compactly than usual. He has to eat something, and ducks into the closest place that has a menu that isn't fifty percent cheese by volume. It's only as he eats he realized he did that practice on an empty stomach. Is it possible he could push even further if he actually remembered to eat breakfast tomorrow?
Over his meal, he texts Sousuke.
>>The fish here is good.
>where you at
>>Some place not far. It has a blue awning.
>you swam hard today
>>I think I might quit.
The thing about warzones is they require gunfire and troops to be considered active, so. Though Ai does a good job of ambling around on his own - a library, some sightseeing - eventually, he has to return to the hotel. Nine PM is what his phone tells him; a far cry for either Rin or Nanase to be asleep. The elevator ride up is spent counting his breaths.
He cards himself, waits three seconds, squeaks out a sorry for the intrusion and finally weasels his way in.]
no subject
Date: 2026-03-06 05:12 am (UTC)well. maybe the guilt festering towards that squeaked out tone is what does him in. he'll never say it. but maybe ai was toeing on broken glass for once with some validity. rin scrubs his eyes with the back of his hand, pushing himself up into a more tangible state. haru's (...presumably) in the bath, and it's just the two of them. rin grits his teeth as he pushes his hair back]
...hey.
[he settles on, his voice still a little gruff from sleep. a small yawn slips through, and rin tries to let his vision focus back in...shit. his gaze lands on one of the glaring reds of the alarm clock, and he stiffens]
You have a good night?
[rin tries, he tries with all his might this time. is genuinely interested. maybe he went out with ikuya or sousuke or somebody. rin wants to hear about it, desperately craves some semblance of whatever relationship he fucking tarnished beyond feasible repair. but his interest is momentarily sidetracked by a loud knock on the door. and rin freezes, staring over at the hard expanse of wood behind ai's back. he doesn't answer, he doesn't know if ai does either. there's a discernible splash in the bathroom like dolphin boy just surfaced at the noise but.
and when nobody answers, it happens again. and so rin swallows heavily, pushing himself out from his sheets, tank all twisted and tugging his boxers up a little bit from where they were hanging so low on his hips. treat him normal, treat him normal. it's just a little fucking clothes slipping from thrashing around in his sleep. that's all. rin casts a wayward glance at ai, and the knock comes again.
"Come off it. I know you three are in there."
...azuma? rin freezes, staring at ai and back at the bathroom door. he doesn't immediately hear the water in the tub draining, but it's there. and so rin shakily tries to nudge himself past ai to open the door. and he's treated to none other than haru's coach standing in the doorway. he has...something hanging out of his pocket, but what surprises rin most is--]
...Sou?
[sousuke is there, alongside ikuya, hanging back. the younger kirishima looking scorned, like someone just slapped his nose with a newspaper, and sousuke well. looking worse for wear, but the look he levels rin with is haunting to say the least. but suddenly there's a piece of paper shoved in rin's face and.
"All of you might want to consider how you're dealing wtih this."
and rin's gaze flits between words that are too close for him to properly read. but oh that's not all. there's pictures too and--
his heart lodges in his throat, and for once in his life, rin genuinely feels a thick well of terror. his fingers tug the paper away from his face. it looks like an email printout, some sort of pdf for something. it seems professional enough, which is the worst of it all but. the headline he can barely discern through the fog. his exhaustion, what transpired between him and haru and well. everything that's suddenly laid out for him.
there's a picture of him holding the door open to ai's apartment.
there's a picture of him slung over ikuya's shoulders.
worse still are the following two.
there's two set in a very familiar parking garage. the first makes rin want to puke. it was the split second of him and haru bumping their foreheads together in sousuke's car. and the second picture?
well. rin almost feels like he's intruding on something disgustingly private. because he stares over at sousuke, and wants to sob at how his friend immediately looks away from him.
it's such a touching moment. taken from afar, cars in the foreground more in focus than the two figures but. it's easy to see the tears in sousuke's eyes. even easier still to see the tenderness in which ai touches his face. and the big blocky letters at the top. seemingly more professional than whatever voicemail had been left on his phone but.
team japan - fierce competitors, or something more?
...rin can't even look at the rest as he hears haru push out the bathroom door, and immediately freeze. doesn't need to see it or hear it, can just feel it. and immediately rin doesn't look to haru. he looks to ai. can't even make out the muted sound of azuma's voice. all he can see is the well of tears in his own eyes]
no subject
Date: 2026-03-06 05:33 am (UTC)[Which doesn't answer the question of if he had a good night, because he doesn't want to give the honest answer with Nanase in earshot and Rin very clearly. Trying. Trying for normalcy, which is all Ai wants, and so Ai has to too. It was normal for him to wear his heart upon his sleeve, once upon a time, but not so much in recent years. It was normal for him to sidestep the full story when he knew Rin might get hung up on details. Especially recently, it was normal for him to disarm and dodge.
He barely walks in past the door, barely has the coherency to begin trying to say something with more substance to maybe aid Rin in this whole normalcy thing. Unfortunately, the rap at the door beats him to it, so unexpected he visibly jolts.
--
Ai doesn't need to see the contents. All he needs is Rin's twisted, messed up, pained, guilty, ruthlessly self-loathing expression. He doesn't have to look to know Sousuke's just minimized himself in a way he never does.
His blood pumps so fast from the anxiety spike he can nearly feel his palms vibrating, yet still wills himself to grab the paper and flip through it for himself. The day he and Rin were fresh off the heels of Rin's return. Of friends having a good time. Of reconnection. Of co-misery.
The tension in the room is thick enough to be sliced with a sword, and yet. It's so easy. Finding the solution is so easy because, Ai realizes, he's already written all of it off. Without that dream, without Rin ahead of him, without their aligned priorities, none of it meant anything anymore. Ai was willing to kill it all, if it means Rin doesn't have to do the same. If Rin is willing to set the whole world ablaze to get what he wants, Ai will be the one putting it all out, one pail of water at a time.
Calmly, Ai turns to face Azuma, eyebrows knit with what could be construed as genuine confusion. There's a cant of Ai's head to accompany it, as Ai makes a show of flipping through the images again, before shaking his head.]
Isn't that Team Japan's strength? That everyone is a close friend. [Ai cants his head again, and purses his lips.] It's wrong to weaponize deep friendship between male athletes. It sends the wrong message.
[Ai holds his hands out to pass the pdfs back. His expression turns determined, almost obstinate, as he mentally prepares for being the fall man.]
We have a duty to each other. I want to openly support and love the friends I've made on this team. If I can't do that, then I don't think this is leadership I want to swim for anymore.
homophonic : (
Date: 2026-03-06 05:58 am (UTC)but hiding is never the answer either.
he doesn't know where to land his gaze. it flits between everyone effected. ikuya rubbing his arm. sousuke staring at the carpet like it might light on fucking fire and give him an out with the intensity of his gaze. haru just standing there like he always does. though there's a slight tick in his jaw to show even he isn't unaffected. and well of course at the center of this whole thing is fucking ai.
speaking coherently, like he is the only one with a brain. rin's bitched at azuma before and felt the wrath and fury of it. he never would again, and he doesn't know how ai can stand his ground so easily, stare at him so determined. it makes that knot furl tighter in rin's throat. and he just about chokes out a sob that sounds like something else entirely]
Ai--
[he watches azuma snatch the papers back, expression wholly unchanged as he regards ai. and then shoots a glare over at haru, and practically smacks him in the nose with the papers. haru huffs and takes them as azuma stuffs his hands in his pockets. well of course haru was always going to get the brunt of this. and mikhail already well...]
I--I'm sorry.
[rin stiffly bows much too sharply, trying to level out his breathing. this is all his fault. he's trashed his friends names and reputations. if he had just stayed in sydney...he doesn't even know who the apology is directed at at first. sousuke? haru? ikuya?
...ai? azuma?
rin's teeth are sinking into his lip so hard there's a tang of copper coating his tongue. he wants to spit, wants to crawl back into bed and pretend this just never fucking happened. because he hears something most of all, that instills that panic. i don't think this is a leadership i want to swim for anymore. and rin stares at ai from the corner of his eye, something almost pleading as azuma huffs.
"the JSF is fair. but isn't going to take this lying down, you know. they've got an image to uphold. and you idiots need to watch yourselves. that's part of a conservative country."
azuma seems to be leveling ai with that comment as he huffs and whips around stiffly. his head hangs low as he mutters to himself. and leaves everyone else in the dust. and rin thinks back on the things haru has told him about azuma's life and...oh. he stares over at the two in the hallway, who seem to take the dismissal. sousuke stalks off without another word, ikuya pauses to glance over at haru and say night before he too wanders off. which just leaves...
"i'm going to the pool."
...big fucking surprise, as haru pushes past rin and makes his way downstairs. like he didn't just get out of the bath. rin grits his teeth and a fuck you slips between his teeth before he scrubs at his face for an entirely different reason now, and stiffly makes his way back into their room. that sentence keeps playing over and over in his head. almost pounding in his eardrums. i don't think this is a leadership i want to swim for anymore. and rin just about slaps his hands over his ears, like that will make it go away]
no subject
Date: 2026-03-06 03:31 pm (UTC)It's why even as Azuma turns around and tries to get the last word in and shuffles out of their room like he didn't just shake the core of five people, Ai's expression hardens, about to bite something back but Haru eclipses him with his announcement of his pool departure. And Ai lets the moment go. He isn't an idiot, he knows Azuma's frank delivery is because there is some truth to the salacious nature of some of what's transpired. All of the mistakes that happened behind that apartment door. All the tumult hidden behind a gentle forehead touch. The most mistakes lay between Ai and Sousuke, which he has on good authority, and it's only with bittersweet rumination that Ai can realize how magically none of that matters. Maybe they were too good at hiding it; maybe Sousuke wasn't important enough yet. Maybe they weren't Rin and Nanase, Team Japan's most beloved poster boys.
The door clicks. Ai feels-- nothing. It's scary, how much of nothing one can feel. Unbridled apathy, like the deep and yawning void of the cosmos, stretching on and on for lightyears with not a single star or dwarf or planet or moon in sight. Just the expansive, swallowing nothingness.
Evidently Rin's not in the same boat, who immediately pins a cuss to Nanase's back as he slips out, and is dealing with the tears that had built and spilled and-- covers his ears. Ai assumes he has Azuma's last quip on repeat. Ai can't blame him; this is all Rin's ever worked for.
How easy it is, to slip into that role. Third best, confidant. Disposable tissue? Even if the apathy threatens to swallow him whole, the concern he feels for Rin is real, and visceral. Ai doesn't dare move to try and assuage him physically as he might've even two days ago, but. It's wrought plain in the knot on his brow line, and how he's setting his sports bag down as if ready to have to move.]
Rin-senpai, are you alright? [A dumb question, but it's a start. So Ai amends immedately,] That was a lot.
...
[There's a star somewhere in that vast, empty cosmos. Just one. Tiny, and red, and on the verge of supernova.]
It's not fair. It's not fair to weaponize friendship like that. And I don't think the answer is for you to lay down and take it.
[It'd be easier if I did. Words he keeps tight on his tongue.]
no subject
Date: 2026-03-09 02:42 am (UTC)and that's what rin does.
it takes a minute for ai's words to resonate, to actually shoulder through the echoes in his head. there's an urge to lash out. but at who? the only culpable individual in this whole thing is rin himself. far too carefree, and emotionally charged. it's his friends names he's sullied through all of this. he sinks back onto his mattress in a sitting position, trying to level out his breathing, trying not to snap. ai doesn't deserve it. he's the least at fault through all of this]
Yeah. Should have figured it didn't go away.
[another laugh with no weight behind it, finally peeling his palms away from his ears and letting them rest on his lap. twitching and fiddling with the digits as though that will make this all go away somehow. he shifts to look over at ai]
It's on me. How else will it play out?
[he looks back towards the nightstand. no, he wants to own up. for once in his life take some fucking responsibility towards his own self inflicted actions. he's never answered for all the pain he caused in his first year back right.
is this some long awaited bout of karma, finally striking when the iron is hot? when else would be so ripe for the taking, except at the precipice of his career--the thing he's worked so hard for? rin's shocked he isn't crying. maybe there's a slight hint of it in his tone, sure. but maybe those tears have long since dried up. he sighs again, rubbing the back of his neck. he's too strung out to even be pissed anymore. it just feels like a far off emotion]
...it'll die down. They haven't even published it yet. Everyone gets tabloids.
[...right? rin doesn't even believe himself speaking]
no subject
Date: 2026-03-09 03:05 am (UTC)Because while he still fundamentally believes he is the original sin - having been to eager, too hopeful, too delusional at points to stop while he was ahead, to give Rin the room to make his own choices without casualties, to keep at least one person off his hit list that could come back to bite him in the ass later - Ai is still raw. All of it still hurts, gnawing at him from the inside out.
Worse than that, really, Ai is painfully aware Rin saw that photo. Ai had banked on he and Sousuke's private moment of commiserating to be exactly that until the day they died, but evidently not. Even just thinking about it again - thinking about Rin knowing, feeling guilty again - has his breath seizing in his throat and his extremities going numb from where the blood in his veins pushes so fast his skin practically vibrates from the anxiety.
So much so he's rooted in place, won't move. Can't. Grips his opposite wrist and digs his thumb into his palm.
Ai stares down at the carpet. Should Rin chance a look at his expression, despite everything, he'd see resolute conviction.]
The only people who will be angry will be management. But I think the people reading will have a different opinion entirely.
[Ai wholeheartedly believes the public would side with them, but the public isn't what pays their sponsorships. Which is why--]
... It's why I said what I said.
[Yes, that. Because he knows Rin's dream isn't meant to die here, and Ai's already hanging on by a thread. It'd be the cleanest option to hang just one of them out to dry, to send a message and clean the slate. Rin doesn't have to know Ai had been ideating on it beforehand.
... Not that he's made a decision yet either. He chews the inside of his bottom lip and then quickly adds an asterisk,]
If it comes to that.
[It makes me angry. How many people have to hurt in the pursuit of one person. How much the ground has to raze where Rin runs to chase it. Having written himself out of the picture, Ai can only watch now, and hope that Rin doesn't set fire to his career in that same pursuit, too.]
no subject
Date: 2026-03-10 01:02 am (UTC)how it gave way to whatever ai and sousuke were feeling. rarely in rin's life that seems to be growing smaller by the second, has he felt such hot flashes of everything boiling over. if only he'd kept his cool at a different time, kept that porcelain from shattering. then maybe he wouldn't be repeating that mantra of ai's words over and over in his head. no, that's the easy way he out. dimly, he knows one thing.
he deserves to suffer. he deserves to hear those things.
rin looks over at ai, unsung tears heavy and laden in his own gaze. they've dried up for a while. maybe to spare some to ai instead. finally at the top. and everything's threatening to crash down around them...or maybe. maybe rin is being stupid. maybe ai's right. god, he always is isn't he? if he'd just listened earlier. hell, seen the signs throughout their youth...this never would have happened.
he blinks, slow. mulling over ai's words less as a punishment, and more as a stark realization. one that has his eyes wide, and him biting the inside of his lip in turn. he tastes copper, and his fingers rip into the sheets below him. no. no. that was just something he said in a moment of passion, right? ai's not actually considering...]
No.
[rin growls. it's something that's akin to true anger, something he hasn't felt in so long. all coagulated with a thousand other things he can't and won't name. rin shoots a fierce look over at ai. like he's the one responsible for ai's decision making....well. isn't he the one who's dragged him to this global stage? and all the trials and tribulations inbetween?]
The same sight. Right??
[and his voice breaks. something more pleading. like he isn't riding the high of everything from yesterday...everything from a few hours ago. and now this? he doesn't know how he hasn't split into a million pieces by now]
...that's what we're supposed to do. Together.
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Date: 2026-03-10 01:20 am (UTC)It isn't as though Rin hasn't tried. Maybe the mistakes have just piled too high, Ai's sentiments included. Hope burning too bright, obfuscating what should have been obvious from the start. Now it's Ai's turn to feel guilty, like a horrible friend.
Ai swallows, hard.]
If it comes to that.
[Standing his ground, because Rin would be a fool to think Ai would speak in vain. But what doesn't show - what Ai hopes doesn't show - is the reconsideration under the surface. He'd been one broken straw away from packing it all up, flying home, and leaving this entire chapter of his life behind. Rin looking at him with such scorn is the only reason Ai doesn't make the call to his uncle. Is it a good reason? It doesn't feel like it. It was one thing when he chose to swim for Rin; it was another being asked it. Ai feels incredibly selfish and disgusting for the way the thought of too little too late flits through his head...
He relents, pressing his knuckles to the middle of his forehead; finally, a crack in the strong facade he'd worn while Azuma and the others were in the room. His breath skips, as if the dams have broken, but Ai once again builds his reserves back in record time. A slow, concentrated breath in. A slow, steady breath out.]
I just. I have a lot of work ahead, is all.
[Figuring out what it all means, now. What internally is driving him forward. What his place is in Rin's life, coloured completely differently now.
But ever eager not to keep the attention on him, and perhaps eager to rub salt in the wound in the pursuit of his selflessness, Ai for a moment looks over his shoulder to the door, before finally circling to his bed and sitting down. Holds his head in the juncture of his thumb and forefinger.]
Shouldn't you make sure he's alright?
[Nanase, he means. Ai knew him to be awfully self-kept, but the way he borderline stormed out... So much is a blindspot for him, and Ai's done trying to read it. He's done his part, as far as he's concerned. Speaking of doing his part-- Ai reaches for his phone, haphazardly typing out a few texts to Sousuke.
>>Will you be alright?
>>About what I said earlier, I'm sorry.
>>And that photo, I'm deeply sorry.]
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Date: 2026-03-10 01:31 am (UTC)though rin doesn't know. or maybe he does and is just choosing to remain ignorant. how close ai was--is--to packing up anyways. maybe rin just doesn't want to believe he could be teetering so close to that. he wants to reach in and try to comfort him, pretend like everything is alright and nothing bad has ever happened. but that's a fucking lie and he can't find the truth in it. even to help his friends.
he's too scared of messing everything up all over again. and so he can only offer his words, too terrified of rekindling something or crossing a line that ai doesn't want and can't take]
You've worked harder than any of us. You know that.
[he settles on instead. though rin grits his teeth in damn near agony at the mention of haru, twisting his gaze to the side. whether it's a rekindling of that guilt he felt for what transpired in here, sacred territory or the guilt of everything last night...rin pinches the bridge of his nose, trying to even out his own breaths in turn. except fat lot of good that does, and he spits out a reply instead]
Fuck him. I don't give a shit about him.
[a lie. a lie and he knows it. maybe unconsciously trying to not further rub salt in ai's wounds. who's to say? but he doesn't care. he doesn't want to chase after haru. he stares at ai going for his phone and wrenches his gaze away. too guilty and knowing all too well who ai is texting at a time like this. rin stares over at his own phone but...looks over to haru's nightstand and his phone is there. and he has to bite down the laughter as he scrubs his face with the back of his hand. so it wouldn't matter]
...I'm sorry. I know I wasn't supposed to see that.
[that's a sight rin can put to the back of his mind. if he can ever get over the guilt. and so rin takes his phone instead and texts sousuke. i'm sorry. i'm fucking sorry and i don't deserve you and i hate myself well...him and sousuke have always had their own language. rin's slips into more frenzied emotional states is just one of them.
maybe. hopefully. they'll get past this one too]
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Date: 2026-03-10 01:48 am (UTC)We both know you don't mean that.
[Ai's always been an advocate for Rin's truth, after all. For the things that could bring back his smile. It was there, in that photo. That whole day, the only time in weeks Ai had seen Rin so happy. Before his leg failed him, Ai felt Nanase had accomplished in minutes what Ai had tried to do for months... Just like first year, too.
The recollection pings in his chest like a dart through a board, so Ai does the irresponsible thing of not processing it and just shoving it aside for now. Rubs at his face, as if that might help screw his head back on straight or similar. Fat chance Rin comes down from his fury any time soon, and Ai is certain he's also swirling with guilt and anger and disappointment and fear and so so many other things. Such was their lockstep: Ai waiting stalwart, and Rin banking on that safety net.
How sick is it, then? That the one time he let himself be vulnerable, truly vulnerable - belly up and begging for clairvoyance vulnerable - it was exploited and caught on film. No, Rin wasn't supposed to see that in a million years. In much the same way Rin was never supposed to and never did see Ai crying on balconies or stairwells or rooves. Rin can try to spin it however he likes; evidently, everyone else around him knew what that conversation meant. What that forehead touch meant. Ai had banked on he and Sousuke being far away enough to commiserate in their unique shared experience. Instead--]
It's okay. I'm sorry I lied.
[About where they had gone that afternoon.
Ai doesn't get a response from Sousuke, but Rin will:
>well
>youre not doing this alone so
>hope you change your mind soon
Ai doesn't realize he's doing it, ghosting his fingertips over the side of his neck. Bittersweet misery floods his system, making itself known in an awry, rueful smile plastered on his lips.]
Isn't it funny? Your friend must not know how much trouble he's caused. If the world looked at me now, would they still think I was that brazen?
[The forensics had all been in plain sight, after all. His marks almost gone, but the ones on Rin's neck outstanding. Ai doesn't mean to talk about such a vulnerable and sensitive thing so suddenly, but. What else is there to lose?]
Mikhail-oyaji is likely waiting for the next mistake. So if nothing else, I should try to prove him wrong.
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Date: 2026-03-10 02:24 am (UTC)and ai's always somehow been at the center of that. maybe he's just angry that haru walked away for once, like rin has always done before. still, he doesn't dignify it with a response, dimly aware it might equally drudge up an entirely different mess--one they've apparently worked past. and so rin drops it. it's not worth it. not when ai has his own pains that need attention. rin's sick of his selfish attitude. and so for once he shuts up and listens. though ai gets a scoff at the lie comment. it's almost a laugh]
Doesn't bother me. Sorry you...had to see that.
[and make your own assumptions. rin's elbows dig into his thighs, as he crosses his hands to press against his forehead, and keep his head afloat. it already feels like it's swimming, sure. except he doesn't know if he has the strength to keep floating.... he blinks over at his phone, carefully brushing his thumb over the screen.
there's a ghost of a tug at the corner of his mouth. we're seeing this through to the end. dumbfuck. you're not alone either, got it? and he lets his phone fall back towards the bed. and he keeps his attention back on ai, taking it in. sharing the pain because it's all he can do now. he feels the guilt, but instead of bristle he lays down and takes it, his gaze sweeping back down towards the carpet]
Don't think he even keeps up on swimming outside of if I win something...
[...rin pauses. looking back to ai, carefully considering his words]
I think you underestimate your potential.
[and maybe rin doesn't understand the weight behind his words, or how eerily similar they carry towards someone else's. but he's always stuck to that philosophy and refuses to let it die. even now]
Fuck that crackpot too, he doesn't know what he's talking about.
[rin doesn't really know who he's trying to convince. ai or himself. even if there's a hint of affection in his words. despite his misgivings, mikhail has been the one to get him this far...even if he doesn't agree with ninety nine percent of what the freak says. especially when it comes to his nephew]
...how are you going to do that?
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Date: 2026-03-10 02:41 am (UTC)... Not that discussing matters of family is better. If Rin knew just how much hearing his own uncle call Ai a mistake had affected Ai's psyche, Ai thinks he'd have attended a funeral a few days prior instead of a training camp.
Though Rin's comment isn't lost on him. Don't crush your own potential. That's what Rin would say. Something that gave him so much strength, once upon a time. Now, it leaves Ai at a crossroads, paralyzed by his own outstanding incompetence. Did Rin see the pathetic way he swam today? Ai crosses his arms over his face.]
I don't know yet.
[If he was a mistake in Rin's life, Ai's just rectified that the night before, and the fallout will clear where he stands. If he was a mistake on the national team, then surely Azuma and Miyakawa would put him out to pasture where he belongs. And if neither of those things were true, Ai guesses Rin's asked him to stand at the top of the world, even if it's with red eyes and blubbery tears and a confused heart. All of it seems so woefully aimless right now - is this how Rin felt, returning from Australia? Landing in his dorm room? In his apartment? Ai rolls over, so Rin doesn't have to watch the way Ai's arms wrap around himself.]
I'll figure it out. I don't really have a choice, so that's as good a motivation as any.
[It's a weak attempt at humour, but. He's trying, alright? If he goes through it logically, what's the alternative? Landing back in Tokyo and begging for his shitty part-time job back? Shoring up to Shimogami and having their classmates ogle him as the slut who dropped out of the team? It feels unfair, how the only logical way to prove the whole world wrong is to be at the place that is holding his misery hostage. And unlike Rin, Ai doesn't think some blue-eyed hero is going to drop in and magically make it all seem so much brighter.
Funny. How the adoration and admiration he still feels in his chest wells up not like butterflies, but like hands creeping around his throat.]
You've done it. Sousuke-senpai beat the odds, too. So I guess it's my turn now.
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