Every now and again he manages to barely kiss the shallow surface of sleep, but like a great mirror to reality, something else tears it away from him. The rain on the window; his own thoughts; Rin, shuffling across the apartment.
Ai hears the water turn on and stares at the closed bathroom door for just a second too long. Knows better than to speculate on Rin's business though Ai could guess.
He didn't set an alarm and knew he wouldn't; whether win or lose, he knew he'd need a day to recover after the All-Japan. He does however have other tasks to take care of, thinking up a resignation letter for his part-time job prime among them. Of all things, workshopping this in his head is what finally gets him to fall asleep, staying asleep for at least another three hours until at roughly seven AM the sun is soaking through the windows and not so much kissing his face as punching it, serving as a good enough wake-up call as any.
He sure as hell doesn't feel rested at all, but when has that ever stopped him? Ai sits up with a small groan, gives an all-body stretch,
cannot help but look toward Rin's futon, pausing in front of his bed to do so.
-- and then pads into the bathroom, sink water running.]
[seven am comes, and rin begins to stir when he hears the sink turn on. he blinks the sleep from his eyes, feeling like he just woke up from some sort of fever dream. three hours feels like nothing, but he must have hit rem pretty hard.
rin groans, sitting up a little. he looks around the apartment, like he can't remember where he is for a moment.
finally it hits him. the day before, the night before. he shoves his face into his pillow with a groan. rin fucking hates it. he hates everything he did the night before, the week before, whenever the fuck that thing happened. rin kicks his sheets off of himself, slapping his face a bit.
no. nope. not doing this.
he hoists himself up, still just clad in a tank and his boxers. he glances over at his pajama pants laying haphazardly next to his futon. before he shoves the idea aside. don't treat me any different. ugh. right. he forgoes the pants, wandering into the kitchen and starting to boil some water.
caffeine. ideally he'd inject it straight into his veins, but he doesn't. just washes out the cup ai used the night before, and setting out a clean one for himself. it's not coffee, but it's something to kickstart their system. rin thinks to himself no more coffee from ai's place after a jog.
yeah. a lot is changing.
he pushes his hand through his hair, trying to tame it in some form]
[Over the stream of the sink and the sound of his toothbrush rattling his skull gently, Ai can hear Rin beginning to shuffle about in the heart of the apartment, too. Seems Ai woke him up - it was bound to happen.
Even when they first roomed together in high school, if one of them woke up earlier than either of their given alarms, it was often the case the other would follow soon after. Back then, it felt natural even. Ai can think of countless mornings where Rin would be the first to wake, which would stir Ai, and can recall with simplicity the warmth he'd feel in his chest when Rin would wordlessly wait at their front door, running shoes on. Or the times Ai had stirred first, and by the time he emerged from the restroom, Rin would be awake and almost always leveling Ai with a strong crimson gaze.
He's so familiar with it, can etch Rin's contemplative, far away, tired, disarmed expression with ease. So why is its prospect now so unnerving?
He spits in the sink, washes his face. Tells himself that if he's honest, nothing has really changed. There's just not much hiding under the surface anymore. You were an idiot to think that'd last; senpai is smarter than that. Breath in, breath out--]
Rin-senpai, good morning. [It's a familiar chirp to pair with a familiar mask. Where Rin is apparently gnashing his teeth, Ai almost seems intent on forcing the day to bend to his will of normalcy. Hell or high water, it was going to be a fine, average, forgettable day.] Sorry if I woke you. The rain last night was something, wasn't it? Made it difficult to sleep...
[Prattle, buff, ignore. He shuffles toward the kitchen, stopping short of the mouth.] I was going to run to the store quickly in a little bit if you needed anything.
[rin stiffens under ai's words, a visible tenseness coating his features. had he been loud in the bathroom? rin didn't think he had any nightmares during the rain. that would have required sleep and his mind on the ocean instead of on the giant mess he's left behind for them.
he tries to shove the thought away, adopting any normal everyday attitude he might have about the matter. and probably failing miserably at that]
Uh, yeah. Sorry if I woke you up with my shower...
[he rubs the back of his neck, his nails practically digging into the skin, panic flooding him. he tries to bite it down. for god's sake ai has had his dick in his ass before. jacking off because he couldn't sleep should hardly be at the forefront of rin's mind. but still. he swallows, pushing some tea towards ai]
Nah, I'm good. I might run out and get a few things later. Thanks.
[that's short for i don't know what i want or need at the store and don't want to sound like a fucking idiot trying to babble off random things. rin lets his gaze trail to the sink]
[It speaks to the type of minutiae they both somehow focus on, parallel yet distinct from one another. While Ai had his suspicions about what Rin's three minute shower might've entailed, it hardly bothered Ai. What worries him instead is the way Rin's tension seems to calcify on itself every other sentence, and Ai can't figure out why.
Guilt, maybe? But they've roomed together before, and Ai has overheard worse. Rin's probably caught him once or twice too, not that Ai would ever admit it unless pressed about it, but it was awfully difficult to keep a top bunk from squeaking.
A different kind of guilt, then. Perhaps. I can wager a guess who he had in mind. Ai is grabbing the mug and taking a too long sip before he can let a single thought ruin the tempering he's done to his wherewithal today. He straightens his back a little.]
I was already up. [Which is definitely not the answer Rin was looking for, and the expression kissing Ai's eyes is closer to mischievous than it is pensive. Maybe if things hadn't become so strained, maybe if Ai could step one foot out of reality, he'd even toss Rin a quip about it. But everything seems to toe too closely to opening barely repaired wounds, and so instead Ai disengages.]
You should try to relax if you can. [Ai still has Rin's leg on his mind, and top of his list were some lidocaine patches if he could find them. He takes another sip of his tea, an appreciative gaze belied by just a touch too much vulnerability tossed Rin's way before Ai is setting off back toward his bed to change into day clothes.] Ah, maybe the web portal has official times posted already.
[it's the expression that catches him off guard. but he tries to shove the implications of it away.
relaxing is the last thing he wants to do, can do. every nerve in his system is firing off at some capacity. guilt, anticipation, overstimulation(??), probably twenty other things coupled in equally. rin swallows, trying to take ai at face value instead of reading into things too much. like he has any right to try to understand him]
No promises.
relaxing that is. it seems like the farthest thing he's capable of currently. he watches ai drift off to the other end of the room, rin trying to chug down still too hot tea with a cough]
Matsuoka - ties with a world record, Nanase and then tanks miserably because of a charlie horse.
[he laughs awkwardly, setting his cup back down on the counter. he's trying to make a joke. he sucks at it evidently. he realizes this with a groan, biting his bottom lip]
...I swear that sounded funnier in my head. Sorry.
[and now apologizing like he has something else to be sorry for. he pinches the bridge of his nose, forcing in a deep inhale through his mouth]
Wonder when we'll get word of our training camps.
[not that rin is looking forward to being around mister eccentric coach for more than five seconds right now, but]
[It was something they had in common, and something that makes Ai a hypocrite. The last thing on his mind right now is taking it easy, either. The difference is he wasn't currently saddled with a sore muscle that nearly dragged him under, and could stand by his own hypocrisy on his own two feet; Rin, in Ai's opinion, needed to rest in order to limber up and get back to practice as soon as possible.
A button-down shirt, a pair of oversized knee-length culottes. About to pull on socks when he hears Rin's mock-dictation, and Ai knows he could go for low-hanging fruit and scold Rin for the self-deprecation, but.
Something else and something stronger wells in his chest, the part of himself he wishes he could kill.]
Tanking that bad just means your inevitable comeback will be all the more impressive. [and regardless of whether or not Rin's looking to catch his gaze, Ai's looking across the apartment to catch Rin's,] And anyway, it's difficult to forget that 100m free heat. You and Nanase-san both left something incredible behind in the water that afternoon.
[Can't even bring himself to be bitter at his own mention of someone else, because what he witnessed had just been that magical. A simper is tossed Rin's way at the apology, not that Ai thinks Rin needed to give it; he understood. How many times did Rin have to half-heartedly coach Ai through a bout of crushed self-esteem and worthlessness? This much they could give to each other in spades.
Phone, wallet, satchel. Ai bounds to the genkan to pull his shoes on.]
Soon, hopefully. I'll have to arrange for travel. [ah, the benefits of having a coach. That now makes two people in the room thinking of Ai's uncle with mild disdain.]
[rin isn't sure he agrees with the sentiment, but nevertheless he'll try to reciprocate to get ai off of his back. and maybe even put his own feelings in check regarding the whole matter. ai brings up haru, and that internalizes a little wince, one he so carefully disguises on the outside with a smile]
Ah, right. We'll do it again at Athens... do you think you'll try for the relay?
[a shift into something not about him, as he pauses to sip at his tea, trying to let the burn quell in his throat. it's probably still a little too hot to drink but. it's necessary right now. he watches ai get ready to leave]
I can help if you need? I've kind of done all my own plans... most of my life.
[he feels like such a loser, coming forth with such a pathetic offer. helping ai book his travel plans? what, is ai five or something? rin coughs into his tea for a moment, growling at the little singe on his tongue. okay, maybe he needs to chill out a little bit. he puts his cup back on the counter, straightening out and leaning against it.
his phone buzzes in his pocket, and he groans, squinting at the unknown number. he lets it go straight to voicemail hell, and sets his phone back on the counter]
I'll let you know if I need anything? Don't get mugged by any crazy fangirls out there.
Of course. More than breast, I. [want to do all in my power to swim with you. But Ai just cannot bring himself to get the words to roll off his tongue. Too soon, too much? It was his honest feelings, things so certain and clear he's never shied away from before, but. He's aware that the air at the moment is tenuous at best, and Rin likely doesn't need yet another reminder of how ardently, stupidly devoted Ai could be at times, and how this - swimming, aiming for a global stage - all started because of it. So intrinsically connected.
So it's only after a too-long pause he instead positions,] -- I want to push myself to accomplish something great, and to do it with the people I care about.
[For nearly tongue-tripping himself into a heart-attack, Ai rebounds quickly. Because there is something so stilted and stunted about what Rin says that nearly leaves him laughing. It was a jarring feeling; still so raw, yet something so human pulling him back to reality. Ai can see through the veneer, he thinks: whether guilt or restlessness because of the stress on his leg, Rin seems like he's digging for ways to make himself useful. It'd explain the tea last night, and this morning too. Well, despite everything, we're still friends. Of course he'd act just like this... Before reaching for the doorknob, Ai thinks on it for a moment.]
I have too. For swimming, anyway. Oh! But, Rin-senpai, I'll probably need help with my English soon. If we leave Japan, I can't rely on you the whole time. [His English had gotten better, but obviously Rin held the torch on that one - and with Athens such a close reality, it'd do them both some good to get some practice underway. And, Ai thinks with some pride, gives Rin something to abate those feelings a little...
He opens the door and is about to bound away when Rin says that, and Ai over-exasperatedly sighs.]
If they watched the broadcast, I definitely wasn't the person they were paying attention to...! [Love yourself, Aiichirou, you're a catch! With a small fluster he leaves.
Then comes back, opens the door, sticks his head in,]
I have nothing to steal, anyway!
[And then he's gone again, choosing to jog to the store rather than walk.]
[rin waves him off, and the door closes behind him. with that final motion, rin slumps against the counter, taking a few deep breaths.
he bites his lip, and dumps his tea down the sink, watching the steam twist from the drain with his own lips twisted in motion.
it's easy to let it out when he's alone. not that he has any room to talk. a freeloading good for nothing, right? he's tried, offering to pay ai for whatever he can. ai always has refuses. so rin takes it on himself to stock the fridge, buy dinner when he can, whatever he can. it never feels like it's enough. so he stares back at the apartment, and just does what he can.
he cleans every inch, organizes anything out of his place. it's reminiscent of when they were dorm mates. except this time it's less about being helpful, and more about an inner dialogue of worthlessness and disgust. rin doesn't even note the gentle cramps swelling in his leg every now and again. just swallows it down, continues down his path of usefulness. because if he can't even do this, what good is he?
he takes a moment to breathe, leaning back against the counter and catching his breath. his eyes glance over his phone. two more missed calls from the same number. a voicemail as well. rin groans, running his hand through his hair. mikhail did introduce him to some sponsors. he really needs to get over it, and funnel through his calls. answering the phone sucks, but. his finger brushes over his phone, playing the voicemail on speaker while he idles himself with reorganizing the fridge. he pulls out a container he can't even remember what it is with a grimace--]
Good morning, Matsuoka-san. This is Himari Sato, over at Number.
[rin blanks, staring back at his phone. number fucking magazine calling him? the sports issue? how did they even--]
A colleague and I have been preparing a piece on the qualifiers, and wanted to reach out to you directly before publication. This article touches on--
[rin swallows, turning around fully, taking in every word. touching on him and haru's near record breaking? him royally fucking up in front of one of the best swimmers in the world? something else entirely?]
--your performances, coupled with the interactions with a few of your teammates. Notably the visible marks noted on a few of you during the competition. And of course the subsequent failure in your final heat... Aiichiro Nitori, you're currently living with him yes?
[rin drops the fucking container, and it shatters against the floor]
There's also context regarding your relationship with him, and your coach. Before this goes live, we would love to give you the opportunity to clarify. You can call me back, or if you prefer a written statement, I would be happy to accept that as well. I understand the personal nature of some of the observations. But we wanted to give you a chance to present your side before public speculation begins. A response at your earliest convenience would be wonderful. We plan to finalize the article soon. I believe my colleague is reaching out to your roommate as we speak. Take care.
[for once in his life, rin is truly speechless. he is staring at his phone, arms dangling at his sides. his stomach drops. he's barely had the time to process anything, let alone anything like this. things don't scare rin. this does.
clarify his side? clarify what side? some fucking faded hickies? interactions with his teammates? why the fuck are these people contacting ai as well? nothing feels normal anymore. his heart is slamming against his ribs, and he feels like he's going to choke. bile curdles in the back of his throat and the room suddenly feels smaller. the walls slowly creaking inwards, inch by inch]
[Normalcy was dangerous. It was always, always precursor to something terrible.
Things had been far too normal and peaceful when Rin first arrived, and then-- that night. And the morning of the All-Japan had been normal and excitable, until exactly 7:42am.
This morning had been mostly normal. Walking to Matsumoto, Ai passes a few neighbours and their dogs on morning walks, coincidentally runs into one of his soon-to-be ex-coworkers, and idly wonders if Rin would want to accompany him to the pool later. Even if Rin couldn't swim, they could do aquatic calisthenics together to try and alleviate the stress in Rin's leg. He picks up lidocaine patches, a pair of compression socks, magnesium tablets, a pack of melon gummies on sale...
He only checks his phone when he's right down the block from their apartment, juggling it in the wedge of his shoulder. Four missed calls, all from the same unknown number? He dials into his voicemail and listens as he opens the door with his shoulder blade, both hands occupied,]
Rin-senpai, I'm--
Good morning, Nitori-san. This is Endoh Masami, field agent at Number ... ...
-- Back.
[He's turned to face the apartment, but is stuck like cement to the genkan. Eyes staring into blank space, wide and like a deer in headlights.
Ai drops the bag, feels his heart lurch up into his throat. Don't panic. Don't panic!! Right now, you absolutely have to be calm! Think of how Rin-senpai feels!!! Ah, this dream of his, there's no way that I could have possibly--?!
He looks into the apartment, trying to find if Rin's still there. The context of the message is similar: a request for a piece on the same topics, with a mention that Rin's also been contacted. Given this, Ai half-expects for Rin to have already bolted out of the apartment, but thank god he finally sees Rin in the kitchen. Ai grips his phone, white-knuckled.
Do something! Say something!! Move, Aiichirou!!
He toes off his shoes at record speed and comes to the mouth of the kitchen, looking at Rin with worry wrought in every single line of his countenance. Ai takes a deep, steeling breath.]
You got the same message. [One look at the way Rin's about to vomit, or run, or both is enough to tell him that.] Senpai, I.
[I'm so sorry. I got us into this mess. It's my fault.]
-- It's not as bad as it seems, is it? After all, we read stuff like this all the time, and we never think twice about it. [He's growing increasingly breathless, the more he tries to calm himself - the both of them - down.] It's--! It's just basic PR! Right? If we focus only on the swimming, there's not much they can do about the rest. Right?
...
Rin-senpai? [He reaches out, tries to touch Rin's arm. Needs to make sure he's listening.]
[in a normal scenario, under these circumstances, rin could be expected to respond one of two ways. one, with an explosive temper. it's a go to, especially during his second year at samezuka. his other coping mechanism is swallowing it all down, making himself as small and meek as possible in a desperate appeal. much akin to a slobbering, submissive dog.
except now, he can barely register ai is in front of him. barely feels the touch of ai grazing his arm. his gaze is just fixated on the broken container on the floor, the counter, something beyond that eerily calm voice reciting over and over in his head.
ai's voice feels like it's underwater. muted, and faded. so far away, rin can barely hear it. his lips are parted, but nothing comes out. is his lip trembling? he can't tell anymore.
what has he done?
his gaze finally settles on ai, still wide eyed and slack jawed. a million and one scenarios are running through his head. all settling on the same conclusion. this is all his fault. did he just. ruin both their careers? panic wells in him. the PR team for the fucking olympics won't like this sort of thing, right? there's no way...
rin hears his phone again, and he fucking jerks as he grabs it off the counter, squinting at his screen. there's two messages. one from ikuya, and one from haru. hey, i got a weird call from someone | are you ok? who is...
he wants to puke, and barely swallows it down as he lurches over the kitchen sink]
You... they know I fucking live with you, Ai. What the fuck?? How is that not bad?
[Ai is still dutifully beside Rin even as he steps deeper into the kitchen to catch himself haphazardly on the edge of the sink, and Ai rests a hand on his back. He tries to subtly kick away some of the porcelain with the side of his foot, only just now having noticed it; it'd be no good if either of them stepped on it, and Rin didn't seem exactly all there at the moment.
A familiar scene, in a way. Ai stalwartly ignores the way his gut tries to throttle itself.
He leans over some, trying to catch Rin's gaze. Can only begin to try and guess what's going through his head, but much as he's panicked too, Ai knows that nothing is accomplished if they're both spiraling. His hand, somewhat shaky, shifts to Rin's shoulder. He tries not to pay too much attention to the way Rin spits that out at him, as if living together is something to be ashamed of. As if Ai is something to be ashamed of.]
It's not bad because it's exactly how we met, too. We're two friends who are used to living with one another already. Is every man our age meant to afford Tokyo apartments on their own? Even Sousuke-senpai lives with someone. [He says it in a way as if he's trying to walk Rin through it all logically - as if to downplay all the potential ways it could be spun as anything other than exactly what it is. Something else does dawn on him, though.]
I'm just... Not sure how they got that information.
[Only them, Sousuke, Haruka, and Ikuya knew. Ai is hard-pressed to believe any of them had gone to the press with this between last night and this morning, leading Ai to the uncomfortable conclusion of--] Well.. The one who called me did say she's a field agent. There's no way they'd just send them to cold-case peoples' apartments, is there...?
[but that's just it. rin doesn't know. he doesn't know. okay yeah him and ai having some faded bruising on their necks and him tanking for no apparent reason doesn't look. great. but even then it would take a trained eye. and all this speculative nonsense conjured in the span of a single night? what kind of super human freaks are these journalists?
ai's touch is gentle, but rin stiffens under it regardless. he doesn't feel he deserves such kindness. it's not meant for something like them, someone who's going to get them all disqualified from the olympic team at this rate. his breath stutters, and he white knuckles the edges of the sink as he near dry heaves over it]
...so what do we do? Just sit on it? Ignore it?
[it's so tempting to call back, give them a piece of his fucking mind. but attacking the press, even verbally, isn't a good look because that's just another admission of guilt right? and rin knows he's guilty of it all. he bites his lip between the heaves. how is ai so calm? christ]
What if they fucking kick us off the team?
[it's so easy to fly straight into the worst case scenario. rin starts prattling off every which way]
If I fucking get you, us, anyone...kicked off the fucking team, jesus christ I.
[he literally doesn't know what he'll do. that panicked gaze peaks to the corner of his eye, settling on ai. he finally vocalizes]
[Ai's gut would be to ignore it. But something about the way Endoh-san had said it to him makes him worry; it sounded as if they were already planning to run a piece, and whether or not Rin and-or Ai chose to add their two cents was incidental. Ai knows Rin knows this, but also knows it's not exactly a great thing to spell out, yet still has to be said regardless. Ai's free hand runs through his hair for a moment; an oddly out of character attempt at stress relief.]
They're going to run a piece on us anyway. That much is out of our control. So we can either give statements and stand by what we say, or we can ignore it completely and endure it for a little while.
[He exhales silently, strongly, through his nose.]
I don't get why they'd come to us directly instead of going through at least your coach.
[Or even the Japan team's management, considering that would now be their umbrella. It hadn't even been long enough for any of that to be finalized.
Ai looks at Rin sternly, suddenly, when mentions of being kicked off the team are brought up. He grips Rin's shoulder strongly, imploring him with sky blue eyes.]
That won't happen. It absolutely won't. There's no league rules that have been broken. If the committee removed every athlete that had a hit piece, they'd have no one to swim for them at all.
[His hand grips Rin's jaw and cheek, now. A bold touch but one he feels is necessary; he leans closer, making sure Rin's purview is nothing but him.]
This isn't your fault, Rin-senpai.
[How are you so calm?? That determination wavers, for a moment. Ai leans back just a little, steeled expression replaced with a vulnerable simper.] I'm not. But I have no choice but to endure it, now. [A too-common sentiment, one he's only ever verbalized as words on a page... He takes in a slow breath, exhales it through his nose. Leans away to give Rin some space, but is looking to Rin's phone.] Did they try calling you again? [Ai didn't see what Rin had looked at, just that he had looked at all.]
[his breath lodges in his throat, at ai's bolden touch. his shoulder. his face. rin damn near jerks away, but he's frozen in place. his mind goes to the depths, tells him there's one way to not feel like this again and it's exactly what caused this whole fucking mess in the first place. he stiffens, almost sobs at ai to either let him go or close the distance--
but ai does the hard work, and pulls back. rin slacks a little, his breath stuttering from the moment]
How many scandals can one guy fucking rack up though, before it's too much?
[his tone is borderline laughter, a cruel thing directed towards himself. but he tries to force himself to breathe. because ai is right, when isn't ai right about these things? he has this super power to think logically and god what rin wouldn't give for it, in something like this...
ai inquires further about his phone, and rin just shakily fumbles for it, shoving it at ai's chest. it feels like poison in his hands, and suddenly he doesn't want anything to do with it. a stupid notion, but logic is in short supply in a time like this]
I. Haru and Ikuya... I think they talked to them?
[that's the part that doesn't make sense to him, has his brain funneling through the possibilities. they said something about the marks on him and ai right? but didn't they say something about others... he shoves the thought away. he sucks in a deep breath, holds it for a moment before letting it rattle out of his lungs. tries. fails. tries. fails less]
...so just ignore it. That's really the logical answer?
[it seems so hard to believe. rin glances around the apartment. somehow the prospect of people knowing where they live is a little frightening. he'll make a mental note to close the curtains whenever they finish this conversation, lock the doors... he'll probably start wearing a hat and hood when he goes out now. it's unnerving]
[Ai's a hypocrite. Because under his calm - at least composed - exterior, under his professional role as the stalwart and dutiful junior who is omnipresent with endless depths of compassion and trust, underneath all of those good things,
is a hypocrite who thought the same damned thing. How easy it'd be to close in just a little more.
A thought there and gone, and so potently shameful to think at a time like this that Ai might be the one genuinely self-flagellating later for once. He nearly fumbles when Rin all but shoves his phone at Ai, who again, traitorously feels a prick of heat at the back of his neck. Senpai's phone...
Under any other circumstance, he might be singing. Right now, he's opening the texts as clearly implored to do, and reads them - and only them, doing Rin the favour of not backreading, especially not with Haruka. His shoulders fall just a little.]
Kirishima-senpai says they called him, and it sounds like Nanase-san was contacted too. He's asking if you're okay. [Ai gently places the phone face-down on the countertop.] I don't understand. Something about it all seems very suspicious... Maybe we could ask uncle Mikhail to run those agents' names.
[Ai swallows thickly around a knot in his throat. Presses the side of his knuckle to his lips, trying to think it all through as straight as he can despite the overwhelming amounts of fog and panic and distractions.]
... I don't think I'll be justifying their request with a reply. It's up to you whether or not you do the same.
[Does Rin have enemies? Does Ai have enemies? Were they being followed, surveilled? Too many unanswered questions. Ai knows no matter what, there's going to be chatter. Well. Several years spent as a svelte and vulnerable boy among sharks has prepared him for this, he guesses. He's gripping his own wrist tight and close to his chest, trying to stay his god damn nerves so his hands would stop vibrating.]
[it's only sensible to ignore them. how many takedown pieces go ignored by the general public? probably more than read them. but then, the panicked piece of his brain swells again, arguing that how many people actually do get cancelled over less? rin's hand instinctively jerks up to his neck, the bruising mostly faded but still lingering.
it feels like the bruises burn under his fingertips.
rin tries to get a hang of his breathing. how far is he going to drag people down with the repercussions of one single, stupid mistake? how many people are going to get dragged through the mud in the process? he finally peels himself away from the counter, leaning back against it instead. one hand tangles through his hair, pulling just enough for a little pressure.
just to feel something self inflicting, beyond all this gloom and doom]
I... no. I won't either.
[he glances guiltily down at his phone, speculation floods him. coupled with guilt. his thumb brushes over the screen. two more people, him and ai... how many other people are going to be dragged into this? a hot well of fresh shame floods him as he thinks of sousuke. will they contact him as well? have they? it's no guess that the two of them are close]
Yeah. I'll text Mikhail.
[rin bites his lip, taking in a stuttering breath]
[It's a thought, on the back of Ai's mind. And it nags and jabs and mocks him, every self-deprecating shadow of himself possible rearing to full height to remind him of how pathetic he is.
To have thought Rin wanted him.
And if Ai had just read the room a little better, had hoped a little less, they wouldn't be here right now. Rin wouldn't be tugging at his hair like he's reprimanding himself, wouldn't have been dry-heaving over a sink, wouldn't be on the verge of full-blown panic. Wouldn't have tanked yesterday, wouldn't have cried as much. Wouldn't have looked at Ai with that-- fear in his eyes.
He needs to do something otherwise he'll burst and scream, and so Ai goes to the small storage closet to get a broom, bringing it into the kitchen.]
Senpai, it's alright. Either way, I share half the blame. [For all his self-deprecation, a sudden determination overwhelms his expression, conjured from somewhere deeper. He finds Rin's eyes, even if Rin doesn't find his.]
We'll get through this. Like we have so many times before.
[It pricks the back of his head, a thought. Errant and selfish. But the words pour from his lips before he can filter it--]
rin's throat works around nothing. because how? how can he be expected to rely on people? that's worked famously well in the past. full of crashes and burns, and whatever fresh hell that has been awakened. he glances down towards his phone, biting his lip]
...okay.
[he doesn't articulate why he's agreeing to this. because does ai really shoulder half the blame in all this? if rin wasn't a self proclaimed slut, desperate for some fix like a junkie... he shoves the thought aside, pushing his fingers through his hair]
We'll just deal with it when it breaks.
[he toes out of the kitchen, side stepping yet another mess he's convoluted into ai's space. it's realized with a grimace, another shattered puzzle piece arching across the kitchen. it takes him back to that night, and he steps away from the kitchen even faster still.
rin slumps onto the couch on his stomach, pressing his face into the arm rest for a moment. he sucks in another shuddering breath, pulling out his phone to text sousuke. don't answer any unknown calls!! before he shoves it back in his pocket. unless sousuke has already gotten the memo, in which case...]
Listen, Ai. You don't have to. But I'm just going to start wearing a hat and hood up everytime I go out. Fucking vultures... better safe than sorry.
[he unconsciously tugs his tank top up a little bit, like that will somehow hide his clavicle and throat when it's just the two of them. something about all this feels so... dirty?]
[It was something of an elephant in the room, and something Ai is certain no one except he and Rin know with certainty. Ai had very explicitly marked Rin where his hair could hide it.
The saddest part of it all was exactly this: the marks incriminating Rin didn't even come from Ai. Even in his own fucked up story, Ai's a hapless side character. Reaping the consequences of something he didn't sow.
He touches his neck, not even thinking about it, and setting the broom aside to do so. If Rin catches him, he doesn't care. Blunt fingernails dig against the mars that speak a lopsided, unfair tale. How stupid he had been, in the immediate aftermath, to think for even two seconds these were something he could wear with pride. Everyone and everything has endeavoured to show him exactly how wrong he was.
He sucks in a silent breath, drops his hand, and picks the broom back up.]
It's probably for the best. [He bends down to sweep the shattered remnants into the dust pan and empties it carefully into the trash.] I wouldn't want to invite trouble, so I'll do the same.
[There's a lump in his throat he just can't swallow down anymore. Ai pads back toward the genkan, picking up the bag he'd dropped when he'd entered. Normalcy was a foregone conclusion at this point, but Rin's lounging, so Ai has to try too.
He approaches the couch and gently places the bag on the small of Rin's back.]
Here, senpai. For your leg. [Ai fishes out the gummies and pockets them.] Those patches are a twenty-four pack, so you can use them generously. And with the compression socks, you might even be able to take a run tonight.
the bag on his back presses into him, and rin twists his arm around to grab it, pulling out the contents to inspect over the arm of the couch. he wants to spit out again, ask how the fuck ai is so calm. but he knows it won't go anywhere. so he drops it]
You didn't have to get all that.
[he scoffs, muttering into the arm of the couch. but still, his tone holds something grateful]
...thanks though. Really. I owe you one.
[even though rin doesn't know what else he can give anymore. the silence idles for a little bit. rin staring over the couch fabric at the contents of the bag, mindlessly brushing his fingertips over every little instruction on the packaging. there's something unsettling unfurling in his gut, but rin can't quite pinpoint it.
he sighs, placing the bag gently on the ground next to the couch. god a run sounds nice. the only thing he can do to get out of his head, and butt heads against the nasty thoughts swirling. there's nothing he can do. if they do a hit piece, they do a hit piece and rin can't stop that. he just hopes everyone else isn't dragged through the mud.
[It had been, in fact, the reason he wanted to go to the store at all. Ai understands the humility, though; he feels it every time Rin leaves him something to help him along, no matter how many times it happens. Tea today; a paid tab some weeks ago; protein bars some years ago. In a way, if Ai thinks on it long and deep enough, it had always been something of a love language between the two of them.
He had plans today, before-- all of this. Swimming prime among them. Would it even be smart to leave the house at all at this point? It's possible agents were out and about even right now, waiting at their usual spots - the natatorium, Ai's campus, his job. The thought alone nearly makes him sick, and for a moment as he turns to retreat toward his desk, he feels the entire room spinning. He thought he had a cap on his panic, but the visceral nausea that suddenly hits him is nearly overwhelming; the thought of being followed upsetting him more than some words in a magazine people will forget in a couple of weeks. Struck sick with worry that he's brought the same upon Rin, upon their friends.
Rin's asked him something, and Ai continues to ignore the faint feeling in his gut, keeping up the composed facade as best as he can.]
Ah, no. I was thinking about it last night though. I wanted to work on it today, but I really wanted to-.
[Equidistant between the couch and his desk, Ai pauses, eyes glued to the floor which at the moment seems more akin to the glass window of a washing machine, all mixed colours and indecipherable cyclone. The sound of his own breathing is suddenly one-hundred decibels loud between his ears. Again, he tries to grapple with his exterior calm,]
- to swim, also, with you, but,
[thud!
His knees hit the floor first, though he faints into a heap upon himself all the same, prostrate on the hard wood. Consciousness there and gone and there again; he comes back to in a matter of seconds, but with his head ringing so loudly, it is hard to tell up from down, real from conjured.]
[something feels wrong. even before ai meets the ground.
rin tosses a glance over his shoulder, seeing ai... sway a bit? coupled with his words seeming a bit off in their delivery. he squints, pulling himself up off the arm of the couch a little]
Ai? You good?
[he glances back over at the bag though, when he hears the loud bang resonating. he immediately is on his feet, whipping around to see ai in a heap, looking like the very life has just been sucked out of him. his eyes widen, and he scrambles over, dropping to his knees in an instant, his hand voraciously shaking ai by the shoulder]
Oi, Ai. What's wrong???
[ai... looks awake?? but that's not normal. people don't just faint out of nowhere, especially not somebody he's known for years. that's more haru's schtick than anything else. rin bites his lip, his other free hand pressing worried lines against his temple]
[It is extremely jarring, realizing there is a sudden blip in recollection and memory. Even worse still when it's right under your nose.
Ai comes to just as quickly as he had gone, his faint spell lasting ten, maybe fifteen seconds. His head pounds and his heart pounds even faster, trying to supply blood where it's been neglected. Passing out from stress was only the sort of thing he's seen in movies, or heard his mother joke about once or twice. Actually experiencing it very nearly has him mentally standing next to his own body.
He doesn't hear Rin, at first. Doesn't realize what happened until his vision clears enough to realize he's chest-down on the floor, and that it's Rin that's jostling him. Ah. So that's it. Everything that had stretched his rope so painfully thin had finally snapped.
He shifts, though his body feels leaden; enough to sit up some so he isn't face-down on the floor. His jaw hurts from the impact; his knees too. One arm holds him up feebly by placing a flat palm on the floor; the other is gripping Rin's shoulder for leverage.]
Sorry. [For worrying you? For being so weak? For not being able to handle it? Even spinning his wheels on that alone nearly leaves his head spinning again too. He sways a ltitle, starting to lean toward Rin but then forcing himself back center of his own body mass,] I don't know what happened.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Date: 2025-08-14 02:34 pm (UTC)Every now and again he manages to barely kiss the shallow surface of sleep, but like a great mirror to reality, something else tears it away from him. The rain on the window; his own thoughts; Rin, shuffling across the apartment.
Ai hears the water turn on and stares at the closed bathroom door for just a second too long. Knows better than to speculate on Rin's business though Ai could guess.
He didn't set an alarm and knew he wouldn't; whether win or lose, he knew he'd need a day to recover after the All-Japan. He does however have other tasks to take care of, thinking up a resignation letter for his part-time job prime among them. Of all things, workshopping this in his head is what finally gets him to fall asleep, staying asleep for at least another three hours until at roughly seven AM the sun is soaking through the windows and not so much kissing his face as punching it, serving as a good enough wake-up call as any.
He sure as hell doesn't feel rested at all, but when has that ever stopped him? Ai sits up with a small groan, gives an all-body stretch,
cannot help but look toward Rin's futon, pausing in front of his bed to do so.
-- and then pads into the bathroom, sink water running.]
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Date: 2025-08-15 04:04 am (UTC)rin groans, sitting up a little. he looks around the apartment, like he can't remember where he is for a moment.
finally it hits him. the day before, the night before. he shoves his face into his pillow with a groan. rin fucking hates it. he hates everything he did the night before, the week before, whenever the fuck that thing happened. rin kicks his sheets off of himself, slapping his face a bit.
no. nope. not doing this.
he hoists himself up, still just clad in a tank and his boxers. he glances over at his pajama pants laying haphazardly next to his futon. before he shoves the idea aside. don't treat me any different. ugh. right. he forgoes the pants, wandering into the kitchen and starting to boil some water.
caffeine. ideally he'd inject it straight into his veins, but he doesn't. just washes out the cup ai used the night before, and setting out a clean one for himself. it's not coffee, but it's something to kickstart their system. rin thinks to himself no more coffee from ai's place after a jog.
yeah. a lot is changing.
he pushes his hand through his hair, trying to tame it in some form]
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Date: 2025-08-15 04:28 am (UTC)Even when they first roomed together in high school, if one of them woke up earlier than either of their given alarms, it was often the case the other would follow soon after. Back then, it felt natural even. Ai can think of countless mornings where Rin would be the first to wake, which would stir Ai, and can recall with simplicity the warmth he'd feel in his chest when Rin would wordlessly wait at their front door, running shoes on. Or the times Ai had stirred first, and by the time he emerged from the restroom, Rin would be awake and almost always leveling Ai with a strong crimson gaze.
He's so familiar with it, can etch Rin's contemplative, far away, tired, disarmed expression with ease. So why is its prospect now so unnerving?
He spits in the sink, washes his face. Tells himself that if he's honest, nothing has really changed. There's just not much hiding under the surface anymore. You were an idiot to think that'd last; senpai is smarter than that. Breath in, breath out--]
Rin-senpai, good morning. [It's a familiar chirp to pair with a familiar mask. Where Rin is apparently gnashing his teeth, Ai almost seems intent on forcing the day to bend to his will of normalcy. Hell or high water, it was going to be a fine, average, forgettable day.] Sorry if I woke you. The rain last night was something, wasn't it? Made it difficult to sleep...
[Prattle, buff, ignore. He shuffles toward the kitchen, stopping short of the mouth.] I was going to run to the store quickly in a little bit if you needed anything.
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Date: 2025-08-16 02:32 am (UTC)he tries to shove the thought away, adopting any normal everyday attitude he might have about the matter. and probably failing miserably at that]
Uh, yeah. Sorry if I woke you up with my shower...
[he rubs the back of his neck, his nails practically digging into the skin, panic flooding him. he tries to bite it down. for god's sake ai has had his dick in his ass before. jacking off because he couldn't sleep should hardly be at the forefront of rin's mind. but still. he swallows, pushing some tea towards ai]
Nah, I'm good. I might run out and get a few things later. Thanks.
[that's short for i don't know what i want or need at the store and don't want to sound like a fucking idiot trying to babble off random things. rin lets his gaze trail to the sink]
Anything I can do while you're gone?
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Date: 2025-08-16 02:53 am (UTC)Guilt, maybe? But they've roomed together before, and Ai has overheard worse. Rin's probably caught him once or twice too, not that Ai would ever admit it unless pressed about it, but it was awfully difficult to keep a top bunk from squeaking.
A different kind of guilt, then. Perhaps. I can wager a guess who he had in mind. Ai is grabbing the mug and taking a too long sip before he can let a single thought ruin the tempering he's done to his wherewithal today. He straightens his back a little.]
I was already up. [Which is definitely not the answer Rin was looking for, and the expression kissing Ai's eyes is closer to mischievous than it is pensive. Maybe if things hadn't become so strained, maybe if Ai could step one foot out of reality, he'd even toss Rin a quip about it. But everything seems to toe too closely to opening barely repaired wounds, and so instead Ai disengages.]
You should try to relax if you can. [Ai still has Rin's leg on his mind, and top of his list were some lidocaine patches if he could find them. He takes another sip of his tea, an appreciative gaze belied by just a touch too much vulnerability tossed Rin's way before Ai is setting off back toward his bed to change into day clothes.] Ah, maybe the web portal has official times posted already.
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Date: 2025-08-16 12:58 pm (UTC)relaxing is the last thing he wants to do, can do. every nerve in his system is firing off at some capacity. guilt, anticipation, overstimulation(??), probably twenty other things coupled in equally. rin swallows, trying to take ai at face value instead of reading into things too much. like he has any right to try to understand him]
No promises.
relaxing that is. it seems like the farthest thing he's capable of currently. he watches ai drift off to the other end of the room, rin trying to chug down still too hot tea with a cough]
Matsuoka - ties with a world record, Nanase and then tanks miserably because of a charlie horse.
[he laughs awkwardly, setting his cup back down on the counter. he's trying to make a joke. he sucks at it evidently. he realizes this with a groan, biting his bottom lip]
...I swear that sounded funnier in my head. Sorry.
[and now apologizing like he has something else to be sorry for. he pinches the bridge of his nose, forcing in a deep inhale through his mouth]
Wonder when we'll get word of our training camps.
[not that rin is looking forward to being around mister eccentric coach for more than five seconds right now, but]
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Date: 2025-08-16 02:04 pm (UTC)A button-down shirt, a pair of oversized knee-length culottes. About to pull on socks when he hears Rin's mock-dictation, and Ai knows he could go for low-hanging fruit and scold Rin for the self-deprecation, but.
Something else and something stronger wells in his chest, the part of himself he wishes he could kill.]
Tanking that bad just means your inevitable comeback will be all the more impressive. [and regardless of whether or not Rin's looking to catch his gaze, Ai's looking across the apartment to catch Rin's,] And anyway, it's difficult to forget that 100m free heat. You and Nanase-san both left something incredible behind in the water that afternoon.
[Can't even bring himself to be bitter at his own mention of someone else, because what he witnessed had just been that magical. A simper is tossed Rin's way at the apology, not that Ai thinks Rin needed to give it; he understood. How many times did Rin have to half-heartedly coach Ai through a bout of crushed self-esteem and worthlessness? This much they could give to each other in spades.
Phone, wallet, satchel. Ai bounds to the genkan to pull his shoes on.]
Soon, hopefully. I'll have to arrange for travel. [ah, the benefits of having a coach. That now makes two people in the room thinking of Ai's uncle with mild disdain.]
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Date: 2025-08-18 02:04 am (UTC)[rin isn't sure he agrees with the sentiment, but nevertheless he'll try to reciprocate to get ai off of his back. and maybe even put his own feelings in check regarding the whole matter. ai brings up haru, and that internalizes a little wince, one he so carefully disguises on the outside with a smile]
Ah, right. We'll do it again at Athens... do you think you'll try for the relay?
[a shift into something not about him, as he pauses to sip at his tea, trying to let the burn quell in his throat. it's probably still a little too hot to drink but. it's necessary right now. he watches ai get ready to leave]
I can help if you need? I've kind of done all my own plans... most of my life.
[he feels like such a loser, coming forth with such a pathetic offer. helping ai book his travel plans? what, is ai five or something? rin coughs into his tea for a moment, growling at the little singe on his tongue. okay, maybe he needs to chill out a little bit. he puts his cup back on the counter, straightening out and leaning against it.
his phone buzzes in his pocket, and he groans, squinting at the unknown number. he lets it go straight to voicemail hell, and sets his phone back on the counter]
I'll let you know if I need anything? Don't get mugged by any crazy fangirls out there.
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Date: 2025-08-18 02:37 am (UTC)So it's only after a too-long pause he instead positions,] -- I want to push myself to accomplish something great, and to do it with the people I care about.
[For nearly tongue-tripping himself into a heart-attack, Ai rebounds quickly. Because there is something so stilted and stunted about what Rin says that nearly leaves him laughing. It was a jarring feeling; still so raw, yet something so human pulling him back to reality. Ai can see through the veneer, he thinks: whether guilt or restlessness because of the stress on his leg, Rin seems like he's digging for ways to make himself useful. It'd explain the tea last night, and this morning too. Well, despite everything, we're still friends. Of course he'd act just like this... Before reaching for the doorknob, Ai thinks on it for a moment.]
I have too. For swimming, anyway. Oh! But, Rin-senpai, I'll probably need help with my English soon. If we leave Japan, I can't rely on you the whole time. [His English had gotten better, but obviously Rin held the torch on that one - and with Athens such a close reality, it'd do them both some good to get some practice underway. And, Ai thinks with some pride, gives Rin something to abate those feelings a little...
He opens the door and is about to bound away when Rin says that, and Ai over-exasperatedly sighs.]
If they watched the broadcast, I definitely wasn't the person they were paying attention to...! [Love yourself, Aiichirou, you're a catch! With a small fluster he leaves.
Then comes back, opens the door, sticks his head in,]
I have nothing to steal, anyway!
[And then he's gone again, choosing to jog to the store rather than walk.]
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Date: 2025-08-18 02:59 am (UTC)he bites his lip, and dumps his tea down the sink, watching the steam twist from the drain with his own lips twisted in motion.
it's easy to let it out when he's alone. not that he has any room to talk. a freeloading good for nothing, right? he's tried, offering to pay ai for whatever he can. ai always has refuses. so rin takes it on himself to stock the fridge, buy dinner when he can, whatever he can. it never feels like it's enough. so he stares back at the apartment, and just does what he can.
he cleans every inch, organizes anything out of his place. it's reminiscent of when they were dorm mates. except this time it's less about being helpful, and more about an inner dialogue of worthlessness and disgust. rin doesn't even note the gentle cramps swelling in his leg every now and again. just swallows it down, continues down his path of usefulness. because if he can't even do this, what good is he?
he takes a moment to breathe, leaning back against the counter and catching his breath. his eyes glance over his phone. two more missed calls from the same number. a voicemail as well. rin groans, running his hand through his hair. mikhail did introduce him to some sponsors. he really needs to get over it, and funnel through his calls. answering the phone sucks, but. his finger brushes over his phone, playing the voicemail on speaker while he idles himself with reorganizing the fridge. he pulls out a container he can't even remember what it is with a grimace--]
Good morning, Matsuoka-san. This is Himari Sato, over at Number.
[rin blanks, staring back at his phone. number fucking magazine calling him? the sports issue? how did they even--]
A colleague and I have been preparing a piece on the qualifiers, and wanted to reach out to you directly before publication. This article touches on--
[rin swallows, turning around fully, taking in every word. touching on him and haru's near record breaking? him royally fucking up in front of one of the best swimmers in the world? something else entirely?]
--your performances, coupled with the interactions with a few of your teammates. Notably the visible marks noted on a few of you during the competition. And of course the subsequent failure in your final heat... Aiichiro Nitori, you're currently living with him yes?
[rin drops the fucking container, and it shatters against the floor]
There's also context regarding your relationship with him, and your coach. Before this goes live, we would love to give you the opportunity to clarify. You can call me back, or if you prefer a written statement, I would be happy to accept that as well. I understand the personal nature of some of the observations. But we wanted to give you a chance to present your side before public speculation begins. A response at your earliest convenience would be wonderful. We plan to finalize the article soon. I believe my colleague is reaching out to your roommate as we speak. Take care.
[for once in his life, rin is truly speechless. he is staring at his phone, arms dangling at his sides. his stomach drops. he's barely had the time to process anything, let alone anything like this. things don't scare rin. this does.
clarify his side? clarify what side? some fucking faded hickies? interactions with his teammates? why the fuck are these people contacting ai as well? nothing feels normal anymore. his heart is slamming against his ribs, and he feels like he's going to choke. bile curdles in the back of his throat and the room suddenly feels smaller. the walls slowly creaking inwards, inch by inch]
no subject
Date: 2025-08-18 03:28 am (UTC)Things had been far too normal and peaceful when Rin first arrived, and then-- that night. And the morning of the All-Japan had been normal and excitable, until exactly 7:42am.
This morning had been mostly normal. Walking to Matsumoto, Ai passes a few neighbours and their dogs on morning walks, coincidentally runs into one of his soon-to-be ex-coworkers, and idly wonders if Rin would want to accompany him to the pool later. Even if Rin couldn't swim, they could do aquatic calisthenics together to try and alleviate the stress in Rin's leg. He picks up lidocaine patches, a pair of compression socks, magnesium tablets, a pack of melon gummies on sale...
He only checks his phone when he's right down the block from their apartment, juggling it in the wedge of his shoulder. Four missed calls, all from the same unknown number? He dials into his voicemail and listens as he opens the door with his shoulder blade, both hands occupied,]
Rin-senpai, I'm--
Good morning, Nitori-san. This is Endoh Masami, field agent at Number ... ...
-- Back.
[He's turned to face the apartment, but is stuck like cement to the genkan. Eyes staring into blank space, wide and like a deer in headlights.
Ai drops the bag, feels his heart lurch up into his throat. Don't panic. Don't panic!! Right now, you absolutely have to be calm! Think of how Rin-senpai feels!!! Ah, this dream of his, there's no way that I could have possibly--?!
He looks into the apartment, trying to find if Rin's still there. The context of the message is similar: a request for a piece on the same topics, with a mention that Rin's also been contacted. Given this, Ai half-expects for Rin to have already bolted out of the apartment, but thank god he finally sees Rin in the kitchen. Ai grips his phone, white-knuckled.
Do something! Say something!! Move, Aiichirou!!
He toes off his shoes at record speed and comes to the mouth of the kitchen, looking at Rin with worry wrought in every single line of his countenance. Ai takes a deep, steeling breath.]
You got the same message. [One look at the way Rin's about to vomit, or run, or both is enough to tell him that.] Senpai, I.
[I'm so sorry. I got us into this mess. It's my fault.]
-- It's not as bad as it seems, is it? After all, we read stuff like this all the time, and we never think twice about it. [He's growing increasingly breathless, the more he tries to calm himself - the both of them - down.] It's--! It's just basic PR! Right? If we focus only on the swimming, there's not much they can do about the rest. Right?
...
Rin-senpai? [He reaches out, tries to touch Rin's arm. Needs to make sure he's listening.]
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Date: 2025-08-18 04:07 am (UTC)except now, he can barely register ai is in front of him. barely feels the touch of ai grazing his arm. his gaze is just fixated on the broken container on the floor, the counter, something beyond that eerily calm voice reciting over and over in his head.
ai's voice feels like it's underwater. muted, and faded. so far away, rin can barely hear it. his lips are parted, but nothing comes out. is his lip trembling? he can't tell anymore.
what has he done?
his gaze finally settles on ai, still wide eyed and slack jawed. a million and one scenarios are running through his head. all settling on the same conclusion. this is all his fault. did he just. ruin both their careers? panic wells in him. the PR team for the fucking olympics won't like this sort of thing, right? there's no way...
rin hears his phone again, and he fucking jerks as he grabs it off the counter, squinting at his screen. there's two messages. one from ikuya, and one from haru. hey, i got a weird call from someone | are you ok? who is...
he wants to puke, and barely swallows it down as he lurches over the kitchen sink]
You... they know I fucking live with you, Ai. What the fuck?? How is that not bad?
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Date: 2025-08-18 04:18 am (UTC)[Ai is still dutifully beside Rin even as he steps deeper into the kitchen to catch himself haphazardly on the edge of the sink, and Ai rests a hand on his back. He tries to subtly kick away some of the porcelain with the side of his foot, only just now having noticed it; it'd be no good if either of them stepped on it, and Rin didn't seem exactly all there at the moment.
A familiar scene, in a way. Ai stalwartly ignores the way his gut tries to throttle itself.
He leans over some, trying to catch Rin's gaze. Can only begin to try and guess what's going through his head, but much as he's panicked too, Ai knows that nothing is accomplished if they're both spiraling. His hand, somewhat shaky, shifts to Rin's shoulder. He tries not to pay too much attention to the way Rin spits that out at him, as if living together is something to be ashamed of. As if Ai is something to be ashamed of.]
It's not bad because it's exactly how we met, too. We're two friends who are used to living with one another already. Is every man our age meant to afford Tokyo apartments on their own? Even Sousuke-senpai lives with someone. [He says it in a way as if he's trying to walk Rin through it all logically - as if to downplay all the potential ways it could be spun as anything other than exactly what it is. Something else does dawn on him, though.]
I'm just... Not sure how they got that information.
[Only them, Sousuke, Haruka, and Ikuya knew. Ai is hard-pressed to believe any of them had gone to the press with this between last night and this morning, leading Ai to the uncomfortable conclusion of--] Well.. The one who called me did say she's a field agent. There's no way they'd just send them to cold-case peoples' apartments, is there...?
no subject
Date: 2025-08-18 04:31 am (UTC)[but that's just it. rin doesn't know. he doesn't know. okay yeah him and ai having some faded bruising on their necks and him tanking for no apparent reason doesn't look. great. but even then it would take a trained eye. and all this speculative nonsense conjured in the span of a single night? what kind of super human freaks are these journalists?
ai's touch is gentle, but rin stiffens under it regardless. he doesn't feel he deserves such kindness. it's not meant for something like them, someone who's going to get them all disqualified from the olympic team at this rate. his breath stutters, and he white knuckles the edges of the sink as he near dry heaves over it]
...so what do we do? Just sit on it? Ignore it?
[it's so tempting to call back, give them a piece of his fucking mind. but attacking the press, even verbally, isn't a good look because that's just another admission of guilt right? and rin knows he's guilty of it all. he bites his lip between the heaves. how is ai so calm? christ]
What if they fucking kick us off the team?
[it's so easy to fly straight into the worst case scenario. rin starts prattling off every which way]
If I fucking get you, us, anyone...kicked off the fucking team, jesus christ I.
[he literally doesn't know what he'll do. that panicked gaze peaks to the corner of his eye, settling on ai. he finally vocalizes]
How...how are you so calm??
no subject
Date: 2025-08-18 04:50 am (UTC)[Ai's gut would be to ignore it. But something about the way Endoh-san had said it to him makes him worry; it sounded as if they were already planning to run a piece, and whether or not Rin and-or Ai chose to add their two cents was incidental. Ai knows Rin knows this, but also knows it's not exactly a great thing to spell out, yet still has to be said regardless. Ai's free hand runs through his hair for a moment; an oddly out of character attempt at stress relief.]
They're going to run a piece on us anyway. That much is out of our control. So we can either give statements and stand by what we say, or we can ignore it completely and endure it for a little while.
[He exhales silently, strongly, through his nose.]
I don't get why they'd come to us directly instead of going through at least your coach.
[Or even the Japan team's management, considering that would now be their umbrella. It hadn't even been long enough for any of that to be finalized.
Ai looks at Rin sternly, suddenly, when mentions of being kicked off the team are brought up. He grips Rin's shoulder strongly, imploring him with sky blue eyes.]
That won't happen. It absolutely won't. There's no league rules that have been broken. If the committee removed every athlete that had a hit piece, they'd have no one to swim for them at all.
[His hand grips Rin's jaw and cheek, now. A bold touch but one he feels is necessary; he leans closer, making sure Rin's purview is nothing but him.]
This isn't your fault, Rin-senpai.
[How are you so calm?? That determination wavers, for a moment. Ai leans back just a little, steeled expression replaced with a vulnerable simper.] I'm not. But I have no choice but to endure it, now. [A too-common sentiment, one he's only ever verbalized as words on a page... He takes in a slow breath, exhales it through his nose. Leans away to give Rin some space, but is looking to Rin's phone.] Did they try calling you again? [Ai didn't see what Rin had looked at, just that he had looked at all.]
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Date: 2025-08-18 05:04 am (UTC)but ai does the hard work, and pulls back. rin slacks a little, his breath stuttering from the moment]
How many scandals can one guy fucking rack up though, before it's too much?
[his tone is borderline laughter, a cruel thing directed towards himself. but he tries to force himself to breathe. because ai is right, when isn't ai right about these things? he has this super power to think logically and god what rin wouldn't give for it, in something like this...
ai inquires further about his phone, and rin just shakily fumbles for it, shoving it at ai's chest. it feels like poison in his hands, and suddenly he doesn't want anything to do with it. a stupid notion, but logic is in short supply in a time like this]
I. Haru and Ikuya... I think they talked to them?
[that's the part that doesn't make sense to him, has his brain funneling through the possibilities. they said something about the marks on him and ai right? but didn't they say something about others... he shoves the thought away. he sucks in a deep breath, holds it for a moment before letting it rattle out of his lungs. tries. fails. tries. fails less]
...so just ignore it. That's really the logical answer?
[it seems so hard to believe. rin glances around the apartment. somehow the prospect of people knowing where they live is a little frightening. he'll make a mental note to close the curtains whenever they finish this conversation, lock the doors... he'll probably start wearing a hat and hood when he goes out now. it's unnerving]
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Date: 2025-08-18 05:20 am (UTC)is a hypocrite who thought the same damned thing. How easy it'd be to close in just a little more.
A thought there and gone, and so potently shameful to think at a time like this that Ai might be the one genuinely self-flagellating later for once. He nearly fumbles when Rin all but shoves his phone at Ai, who again, traitorously feels a prick of heat at the back of his neck. Senpai's phone...
Under any other circumstance, he might be singing. Right now, he's opening the texts as clearly implored to do, and reads them - and only them, doing Rin the favour of not backreading, especially not with Haruka. His shoulders fall just a little.]
Kirishima-senpai says they called him, and it sounds like Nanase-san was contacted too. He's asking if you're okay. [Ai gently places the phone face-down on the countertop.] I don't understand. Something about it all seems very suspicious... Maybe we could ask uncle Mikhail to run those agents' names.
[Ai swallows thickly around a knot in his throat. Presses the side of his knuckle to his lips, trying to think it all through as straight as he can despite the overwhelming amounts of fog and panic and distractions.]
... I don't think I'll be justifying their request with a reply. It's up to you whether or not you do the same.
[Does Rin have enemies? Does Ai have enemies? Were they being followed, surveilled? Too many unanswered questions. Ai knows no matter what, there's going to be chatter. Well. Several years spent as a svelte and vulnerable boy among sharks has prepared him for this, he guesses. He's gripping his own wrist tight and close to his chest, trying to stay his god damn nerves so his hands would stop vibrating.]
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Date: 2025-08-18 10:02 am (UTC)it feels like the bruises burn under his fingertips.
rin tries to get a hang of his breathing. how far is he going to drag people down with the repercussions of one single, stupid mistake? how many people are going to get dragged through the mud in the process? he finally peels himself away from the counter, leaning back against it instead. one hand tangles through his hair, pulling just enough for a little pressure.
just to feel something self inflicting, beyond all this gloom and doom]
I... no. I won't either.
[he glances guiltily down at his phone, speculation floods him. coupled with guilt. his thumb brushes over the screen. two more people, him and ai... how many other people are going to be dragged into this? a hot well of fresh shame floods him as he thinks of sousuke. will they contact him as well? have they? it's no guess that the two of them are close]
Yeah. I'll text Mikhail.
[rin bites his lip, taking in a stuttering breath]
Shit, sorry. For whatever this is.
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Date: 2025-08-18 02:30 pm (UTC)To have thought Rin wanted him.
And if Ai had just read the room a little better, had hoped a little less, they wouldn't be here right now. Rin wouldn't be tugging at his hair like he's reprimanding himself, wouldn't have been dry-heaving over a sink, wouldn't be on the verge of full-blown panic. Wouldn't have tanked yesterday, wouldn't have cried as much. Wouldn't have looked at Ai with that-- fear in his eyes.
He needs to do something otherwise he'll burst and scream, and so Ai goes to the small storage closet to get a broom, bringing it into the kitchen.]
Senpai, it's alright. Either way, I share half the blame. [For all his self-deprecation, a sudden determination overwhelms his expression, conjured from somewhere deeper. He finds Rin's eyes, even if Rin doesn't find his.]
We'll get through this. Like we have so many times before.
[It pricks the back of his head, a thought. Errant and selfish. But the words pour from his lips before he can filter it--]
And if you feel you can't, then rely on me.
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Date: 2025-08-19 03:19 am (UTC)rin's throat works around nothing. because how? how can he be expected to rely on people? that's worked famously well in the past. full of crashes and burns, and whatever fresh hell that has been awakened. he glances down towards his phone, biting his lip]
...okay.
[he doesn't articulate why he's agreeing to this. because does ai really shoulder half the blame in all this? if rin wasn't a self proclaimed slut, desperate for some fix like a junkie... he shoves the thought aside, pushing his fingers through his hair]
We'll just deal with it when it breaks.
[he toes out of the kitchen, side stepping yet another mess he's convoluted into ai's space. it's realized with a grimace, another shattered puzzle piece arching across the kitchen. it takes him back to that night, and he steps away from the kitchen even faster still.
rin slumps onto the couch on his stomach, pressing his face into the arm rest for a moment. he sucks in another shuddering breath, pulling out his phone to text sousuke. don't answer any unknown calls!! before he shoves it back in his pocket. unless sousuke has already gotten the memo, in which case...]
Listen, Ai. You don't have to. But I'm just going to start wearing a hat and hood up everytime I go out. Fucking vultures... better safe than sorry.
[he unconsciously tugs his tank top up a little bit, like that will somehow hide his clavicle and throat when it's just the two of them. something about all this feels so... dirty?]
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Date: 2025-08-19 03:40 am (UTC)The saddest part of it all was exactly this: the marks incriminating Rin didn't even come from Ai. Even in his own fucked up story, Ai's a hapless side character. Reaping the consequences of something he didn't sow.
He touches his neck, not even thinking about it, and setting the broom aside to do so. If Rin catches him, he doesn't care. Blunt fingernails dig against the mars that speak a lopsided, unfair tale. How stupid he had been, in the immediate aftermath, to think for even two seconds these were something he could wear with pride. Everyone and everything has endeavoured to show him exactly how wrong he was.
He sucks in a silent breath, drops his hand, and picks the broom back up.]
It's probably for the best. [He bends down to sweep the shattered remnants into the dust pan and empties it carefully into the trash.] I wouldn't want to invite trouble, so I'll do the same.
[There's a lump in his throat he just can't swallow down anymore. Ai pads back toward the genkan, picking up the bag he'd dropped when he'd entered. Normalcy was a foregone conclusion at this point, but Rin's lounging, so Ai has to try too.
He approaches the couch and gently places the bag on the small of Rin's back.]
Here, senpai. For your leg. [Ai fishes out the gummies and pockets them.] Those patches are a twenty-four pack, so you can use them generously. And with the compression socks, you might even be able to take a run tonight.
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Date: 2025-08-19 06:10 pm (UTC)the bag on his back presses into him, and rin twists his arm around to grab it, pulling out the contents to inspect over the arm of the couch. he wants to spit out again, ask how the fuck ai is so calm. but he knows it won't go anywhere. so he drops it]
You didn't have to get all that.
[he scoffs, muttering into the arm of the couch. but still, his tone holds something grateful]
...thanks though. Really. I owe you one.
[even though rin doesn't know what else he can give anymore. the silence idles for a little bit. rin staring over the couch fabric at the contents of the bag, mindlessly brushing his fingertips over every little instruction on the packaging. there's something unsettling unfurling in his gut, but rin can't quite pinpoint it.
he sighs, placing the bag gently on the ground next to the couch. god a run sounds nice. the only thing he can do to get out of his head, and butt heads against the nasty thoughts swirling. there's nothing he can do. if they do a hit piece, they do a hit piece and rin can't stop that. he just hopes everyone else isn't dragged through the mud.
ai especially]
You figure out your resignation letter yet?
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Date: 2025-08-19 06:27 pm (UTC)[It had been, in fact, the reason he wanted to go to the store at all. Ai understands the humility, though; he feels it every time Rin leaves him something to help him along, no matter how many times it happens. Tea today; a paid tab some weeks ago; protein bars some years ago. In a way, if Ai thinks on it long and deep enough, it had always been something of a love language between the two of them.
He had plans today, before-- all of this. Swimming prime among them. Would it even be smart to leave the house at all at this point? It's possible agents were out and about even right now, waiting at their usual spots - the natatorium, Ai's campus, his job. The thought alone nearly makes him sick, and for a moment as he turns to retreat toward his desk, he feels the entire room spinning. He thought he had a cap on his panic, but the visceral nausea that suddenly hits him is nearly overwhelming; the thought of being followed upsetting him more than some words in a magazine people will forget in a couple of weeks. Struck sick with worry that he's brought the same upon Rin, upon their friends.
Rin's asked him something, and Ai continues to ignore the faint feeling in his gut, keeping up the composed facade as best as he can.]
Ah, no. I was thinking about it last night though. I wanted to work on it today, but I really wanted to-.
[Equidistant between the couch and his desk, Ai pauses, eyes glued to the floor which at the moment seems more akin to the glass window of a washing machine, all mixed colours and indecipherable cyclone. The sound of his own breathing is suddenly one-hundred decibels loud between his ears. Again, he tries to grapple with his exterior calm,]
- to swim, also, with you, but,
[thud!
His knees hit the floor first, though he faints into a heap upon himself all the same, prostrate on the hard wood. Consciousness there and gone and there again; he comes back to in a matter of seconds, but with his head ringing so loudly, it is hard to tell up from down, real from conjured.]
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Date: 2025-08-19 09:57 pm (UTC)rin tosses a glance over his shoulder, seeing ai... sway a bit? coupled with his words seeming a bit off in their delivery. he squints, pulling himself up off the arm of the couch a little]
Ai? You good?
[he glances back over at the bag though, when he hears the loud bang resonating. he immediately is on his feet, whipping around to see ai in a heap, looking like the very life has just been sucked out of him. his eyes widen, and he scrambles over, dropping to his knees in an instant, his hand voraciously shaking ai by the shoulder]
Oi, Ai. What's wrong???
[ai... looks awake?? but that's not normal. people don't just faint out of nowhere, especially not somebody he's known for years. that's more haru's schtick than anything else. rin bites his lip, his other free hand pressing worried lines against his temple]
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Date: 2025-08-19 11:01 pm (UTC)Ai comes to just as quickly as he had gone, his faint spell lasting ten, maybe fifteen seconds. His head pounds and his heart pounds even faster, trying to supply blood where it's been neglected. Passing out from stress was only the sort of thing he's seen in movies, or heard his mother joke about once or twice. Actually experiencing it very nearly has him mentally standing next to his own body.
He doesn't hear Rin, at first. Doesn't realize what happened until his vision clears enough to realize he's chest-down on the floor, and that it's Rin that's jostling him. Ah. So that's it. Everything that had stretched his rope so painfully thin had finally snapped.
He shifts, though his body feels leaden; enough to sit up some so he isn't face-down on the floor. His jaw hurts from the impact; his knees too. One arm holds him up feebly by placing a flat palm on the floor; the other is gripping Rin's shoulder for leverage.]
Sorry. [For worrying you? For being so weak? For not being able to handle it? Even spinning his wheels on that alone nearly leaves his head spinning again too. He sways a ltitle, starting to lean toward Rin but then forcing himself back center of his own body mass,] I don't know what happened.
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