for @buttterfly - post-tfln

[taeru]

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[buttterfly]

"Nah," He admits, pulling out his little book to place near his pillow. "I tapered the last few days. Like hell I'm going to take it easy now."

There's a little glimpse of the old Rin. He looks over, wondering what Ai is writing. Homework maybe? He pushes the thought aside, feeling a little scrutinized underneath Ai's curious (perhaps a bit worrying) glances roving over him.

It's some small grace he's at a private gym until Mikhail arrives. He doesn't want to imagine the scrutiny that's going to come from the bruises. Whatever. Let people think what they want. He'll let his swimming speak the volumes. Hopefully they'll fade before next week, but.

"My Mom and sister are going to be in Tokyo, for it." Rin doesn't know why he's bringing it up. Maybe to distract from the obvious that Haru is obviously going to be at the competition. With any luck, in the lane next to him. Despite their transgressions, swimming is a language they can still speak. Maybe that's the little thing that lights a fire under him.

Maybe swimming again is just what he needs to get his mind off of this. He peers back at Ai for a moment, before breaking his gaze, flopping back against the futon to stare at the ceiling. He doesn't try to dissect things for once. Because Ai firmly told him to stop and treat things like they were. So, he tries.

[taeru]

It's always been a slightly tenuous thing for him. Swimming. Swimming with Rin.

By the time Ai had the chops to match Rin at the starting block, Rin was already trailblazing. Chasing higher heights and people who had come first. In this world that means the most to Matsuoka Rin, this world which Ai has watched build up, break apart, and repair Rin's psyche like a never-ending carousel, Ai could never quite fit. He did once, briefly, in his second year, earning his mettle more than anyone else present - but it was a blip on the radar.

Ai also knows who else will be there. Who always matches Rin's times almost down to the milisecond. Who will take up occupancy beside him in lane five. Ai could break as many school and personal records as he wants, could swim as many late nights as he wants, could cry and scream and gnash his teeth through the hardships all he wants, could take up an Olympic stage - he knows he will never be Nanase Haruka. Ai was always destined to come second-- third.

Sousuke-senpai, he thinks with a mild horror. That's two people for whom he's likely compromised the All Japan. Rin's talking, but Ai's whipping out his phone to stare at the '4' badge next to Sousuke's name in his unread notif pane.

Except he can't bring himself to open them after all. Not yet. Not at ten pm when Rin's finally back; Ai sighs quietly to himself, shuts his phone and places it face-down on his desk. Racks his brain for the syllables he'd heard Rin say to try and piece together that which had for a moment been accidentally blocked out.

The smile that overtakes his face is gentle and sweet and genuine.

"That's great! You must miss them a lot, Rin-senpai." Doesn't say the obvious. Will Gou-san be cheering for your old teammates, too? Ai doesn't have a death wish. He rubs the back of his neck, "My parents can't make the trip. That's alright, though. Uncle Mikhail said he'd be there." For Rin, not for Ai, but still. Ai can at least pretend he has one person in his corner. He swivels in his chair a bit more to be facing Rin, "Has he contacted you yet? Knowing him, he found a way to take a detour..."

[buttterfly]

He's trying. Trying to treat things like they were. Unfortunately Rin is Rin, and he's thinking too hard on things. Especially like biting his pillow on this very futon while Ai was dick deep in him. He shoves the thought aside, and bites his lip. It's not turning him on, but flooding him with that hot wave of shame again.

He hopes he hasn't fucked himself completely for this. He needs to be at his best.

Rin raises an eyebrow when Ai grapples for his phone, before almost immediately setting it down again. He frowns, and wonders if Sousuke got back to Ai. Rin was the one who asked him to text him, so he has no room to be upset or anything. He just gives him a sidelong look, and decides to open his book instead, dodging the question about his family a little.

He misses them like hell. But he's the one who's been avoiding everyone since he got here. He sucks in a little breath, letting his book fall on his face for a moment of contemplation. He wants to bite through his lip again, Ai's got that tone. One he can't call him out on being upset about something, but something is there. It's awkward having your coach be your roommate's family member. So he just skips over the statement about his family entirely.

"Last I heard he was in Dubai visiting... someone." Rin didn't dare ask who, because that look in Mikhail's eyes was the weird one he didn't want to know about. "Probably arrive in the next day or two though, if only to piss off that buddy of his." Rin flips the page of his book.

[taeru]

It was as if between them was a sheer screen, both casting long glances when they don't think the other is looking. Observing, too uncertain if the floor is stable enough to support another step forward. Because Ai catches the way Rin bites his lip, and again, and catches that long glance tossed his way, and the way he avoids certain topics. Were this five days ago, he'd pry - try to get Rin out of his head, lay it bare so they could try and work through it together. Now? Ai has never felt so much like a tumor hanging off the side of someone's tongue.

Without even thinking, his fingers ghost over the bruised marks on the side of his neck; Rin really did get him good. Wasn't discerning about where he placed them either. It's been turtlenecks and collared shirts since Rin left. He caught a few looks at swim practice, but would bet the only reason the likes of Rei and Hiyori did not say anything was the dull, distant, unrelenting look in his eye Ai carried with him for four days straight. At least it wasn't high school, inviting a different type of attention that would have brought a different type of bruise.

His hand lands more solidly on the back of his neck, as if to cover up his reminiscing gesture. Blinks himself back to the present and turns to his desk, pen in hand, primed on the sentence he'd stopped in the middle of before Rin entered back into the room.

"Buddy is a loose fit," Ai nearly laughs. "He's responsible most of the time, so he'll be there to coach you, senpai. Worst case, I can badger him a little." His tone is distracted; he's gnawing on the tip of his pen now. Thoughts so jumbled he can't even untangle them long enough to put them down on paper.

[buttterfly]

Rin snorts. "Yeah, if they're not strangling each other, buddy could be looser. Thanks for at least being more responsible than a grown man." Rin carefully leaves out that being around Azuma and Mikhail means being around Haru. But maybe enough time has passed, maybe they can handle things differently now.

Maybe Rin has a new perspective on things.

He misses Ai grabbing at his own neck, instead tossing his book beside the futon, and finally finally turning his phone on for the first time in days. It's a wall of notifications, mostly from Sousuke and Ai, some from Makoto--Rin seethes internally, because that can only mean one thing--and even some from Haru.

Fucking blabbermouth. Rin tosses his phone back, ignoring the messages for now in lieu of being angry at Sousuke for being a perfectly reasonable person and going through their list of mutual friends wondering if anybody had heard from or seen Rin. He'll deal with that later. He pulls the blanket up over himself, letting out a shuddering breath in hopes of calming himself.

Back to routine tomorrow. Ass crack of dawn, running. After breakfast, to the pool and there until evening. Then maybe some weights and cardio. He's making a mental check list through the fury and guilt flooding him. He is a right piece of work, isn't he. He thinks to himself, trying to level himself out.

"Do you work tomorrow? I'll try to be quiet when I get up."

[taeru]

Ai's smile is deadpan, "It's a low bar sometimes." He knows his uncle. Incredibly capable swimmer, the mind of a genius. Distracted by the weirdest shit.

He hears a gentle thud and turns to look at Rin again, only to see Rin suddenly retreating under his blanket. Then looks, and sees Rin's discarded phone. Ah. Hears that shuddered breath. It isn't Ai's business. He shouldn't pry. Rin's made it abundantly clear that Ai trying to insert himself has only historically caused problems. Ai's made it abundantly clear that he doesn't want anything to change. And yet. Fundamentally, radically, he sees a distressed Rin and his instinct has his mouth opening--

Rin's question disarms him. Ai blinks.

"Only practice tomorrow. But you're usually pretty quiet, so don't worry about it." Ai looks to his phone, looks back at Rin. He'd managed to lodge his foot in his mouth for a grand total of two seconds; unfortunately, his instinct and unconditional worry wins out.

"Senpai...? What's wrong?" What isn't?, Ai's brain unhelpfully supplies. He can sympathize if not outright empathize with at least a good half of the list items currently stacked on Rin's shoulders - but maybe if Ai gives him the floor, he can make sense of them too. Ai knows Rin's not going to sleep with his head not screwed on straight.

[buttterfly]

"Least you break that family curse." He mutters into the sheets, trying to go back into something a little more fun. Those mindsets are so hard to adopt now. Ugh.

"I worry. Jut want to be considerate after last time." But then Ai is intuitive, and asks things that normal friends ask. Rin bites his lip, his fingers curling into his blanket. It would be so easy to snap back 'what business is it of yours?' or something equally biting. Ai would back down easily. But Rin doesn't want to do that, fuck.

He tries taking in another breath and muttering in something that sounds more pouty than angry. "Just Sou blowing up my goddamn phone." Okay yes, he was right to be worried. Rin disappeared in the middle of the night after a horrendous argument, and went awol for days. Rin would freak if he or Haru or Ai did the same thing.

"Sorry. I shouldn't be pissed about it."

[taeru]

Something tells Ai it isn't just Sousuke blowing up Rin's phone. Sousuke had been blowing up his, too - a friend who is rightfully worried. Maybe if Ai read his own texts he might have more context, but much like Rin himself, he doesn't want to open that can of worms this late at night. In his case, it's likely just Sousuke giving him details of all that transpired while Rin was with him, or asking for details now that Rin is back. Given the apparent fury in which Rin separated from Sousuke's apartment, Ai is willing to wager the texts Rin's read aren't nearly as easy to digest.

"A lot happened," Ai provides rather unhelpfully. All he has is his intuition and reading between the lines. And he has half a mind to ask Rin for the details, but also doesn't want to make his upset sink even deeper - especially not when he knows on some level it likely brought up some difficult feelings for Sousuke, too.

Ai tilts his head and tries again, voice extremely gentle and unassuming, "He worries about you... It'd make sense he'd want to check you're alright now that he knows you're back here." He did not mean to word it in such a way as to imply he himself was yet another problem, but. Philosophers have dedicated their entire lives to unearthing the human subconscious, and how one's deepest fears tend to manifest themselves whether one is conscious of it or not.

[buttterfly]

"Yeah, you're right."

Because Ai is. Rin is probably grossly, stupidly wrong per fucking usual. Sousuke is just worried about him. Obviously Makoto and Haru are to some extent to. He has no idea what Sousuke spilled in regards to why he stormed out, what happened. But knowing his friend, he probably kept the details slim and circumstances even more so. He's a good friend when he's not trying to sneak around with secrets at least.

He tries to quiet his mind a little more, focus less on the voices tossing around insults at himself, and focus on slowing his breathing, keeping his fingers tight in the sheets. It's still raining out, though thankfully less so than the last few nights. He secretly hopes Mikhail's plane will just get stuck in Dubai and Rin won't have to deal with him.

But that's selfish and he knows it. Ai is right. People want to see him swim, care about him swimming. So he groans and forces himself to pull his phone back out and text his sister and mom about their upcoming trip. They're staying with a relative not far from Ai's place. He decides to bitterly shoot off a text to Sousuke that he's safe but doesn't want to talk right now and piddles some equally unassuming messages to Makoto.

Haru is hard. He stares at it for a moment. sousuke said you ran away. you okay? And if it isn't stupidly considerate and absolutely terrible at conveying any sort of worry or whatever. Rin just texts back something akin to 'i'm good. show me what university has done for you next week' before he shoves his phone back under his pillow.

"There." He rolls his eyes, stuffing his face back against his pillow. "Hopefully everyone leaves you alone now that they know I'm not floating downstream or something."

It's quiet before Rin tacks on. "You need to sleep too. You've got work and class and everything else on top of training."

[taeru]

Ah.

"Everyone--?" Ai shakes his head. Whatever momentary hitch of something was just in his voice is very quickly spackled over and buffed out, minding his tone very very evenly, "The only person who contacted me was Sousuke-senpai."

Everyone. It's a good thing Rin has friends who care this deeply for him, really. Even the complicated ones.

He can't even identify the yawning in his chest. A pitiful loneliness, perhaps? Jealousy? Relief? All of the above? He turns back toward his desk.

"I'd like to hope they know you're safe here." He means it in a light way, levity, but there is a dissonance between his sincere words and his sincere, if misplaced feelings. "It's good you've reached out to them, senpai."

Rin's right, it's gotten late. Tomorrow will be a day that utterly tests him, and Rin isn't the only competitor in the apartment. Ai presses at his forehead with his palm, shoves it through his hair. Mindfully turns down the light on his desk lamp.

"I'll be alright-- I'll sleep soon. But I have to finish this first."

[buttterfly]

Oh. Something in Rin sinks. Now what the fuck did he do wrong? Ai's voice hitched, and Rin hates whatever lurches in his gut. Why did Rin open his fucking mouth? Nobody besides Sousuke knew he was staying at Ai's, why the fuck would anyone text Ai about it?

Rin wishes the futon would swallow him whole. Because there's that guilty wave at that you're safe here. He tries to grit out a response, nothing comes up instead of a little grunt and nod. He tries to make himself as small as possible again, pulling the blanket over his head.

"You can keep your light up, it's cool." He doesn't care, this isn't his house, he wants to pretend like he doesn't exist beyond being a speck on the floor. "Good luck with whatever you're working on." And he tries to will himself to sleep.

[taeru]

Ai's back turned to Rin, he can't get a read on how his attempt at an even-keel response has settled in his roommate. If Ai were better, more equipped, less vulnerable, more worthy, he wouldn't have reacted at all to begin with.

It is a clawing ache in his chest, all told. It was easier not to quantify the obvious when it didn't matter; he and Rin had their marching orders. Rin took on the world, and Ai flitted on and off his radar as it was convenient. But now with feelings laid bare, now forced to reconcile with that which he's tried to outrun for years, the painfully obvious rubs itself into his chest like sand into a wound. Third best. Not even good enough for a rebound. Not a consideration on his other friend's radars either. If he hadn't texted Rin those months ago, would he have been remembered at all?

"Too late," he quips back in a lilt, something of a stubborn joke. He's grateful that Rin is safe; he's grateful that Rin has people ready to rally around him. He's grateful Rin is determined to get his condition back on track. Grateful they can both share a stage. Grateful to trust one another even with the difficult stuff. Gratitude is surely what lines his eyes with a glassy sheen, kept at bay only out of a desire not to disturb Rin's attempt at falling asleep.

It's about forty-five minutes later that Ai himself endeavours to do the same, shutting off his desk lamp completely, collecting his phone, and crawling into his bed. He keeps his back to the apartment, hugs his gift close to his chest under the covers, and closes his eyes.

[buttterfly]

Rin isn't asleep when Ai finally turns in. It takes a few hours before his eyes finally allow themselves to slip shut with exhaustion. Maybe he's just basking in the quiet. Or maybe he's just an insomniac who is neck deep in whatever this situation is he's gotten himself into.

It feels like no time has passed at all, when his alarm vibrates against his pillow (trying to be considerate). He buries his face into the pillow, trying to ignore it. But his dreams push him forward, shuffling awkwardly for his bag to pull out his running clothes and being as quiet as a mouse before he slips out the door.

And so they fall back into their routine.

---

Mikhail finally arrives the night before All Japan. Rin meets him at the airport, because he's antsy and life at Ai's is still awkward and tense as ever. Rin is locked in a tight arm lock, as his coach begins to detail everything about Dubai--from the pools to the ripped bodies he saw on the beach (ugh) and Rin tries to pull away with an awkward laugh as Mikhail's eyes trail over the near faded bruises on his neck.

Rin pulls his jacket up a bit. "So, where's your hotel?" Mikhail laughs, pulling out his phone to fire off a quick text before shoving it back into his pocket.

"Staying with a friend, of course. Need my beauty sleep. Hotels can't offer what a home can." Rin doesn't bother asking who would be friends with his coach, before he's being dragged off towards a black car near the roundabout outside of baggage. He pales when he hears that familiar voice lecturing Mikhail about his bags, because who else would be picking up his stupid fucker of a coach. Mikhail lets out a boisterous laugh, wrapping his arms around Azuma. Rin swallows, awkwardly shifting where he's standing.

Because if Azuma is here, then--

"Oi, get in the backseat. We're all going out. You two aren't slacking on nutrition just because it's the night before a tournament." And Rin wants to fucking whine because the next second the two coaches are shoving him in the backseat, where his face rams into none other than Haruka fucking Nanase's shoulder, almost spread out over his lap.

He whines and rips himself away like he's been burned. Haru looks like he wants to jolt to the other side of the backseat as well. The two up front are just carrying on with whatever nonsensical bickering as they peel away from the airport and Rin just awkwardly curls himself in the furthest corner of the backseat while he buckles himself in. Haru is equally pressed against the door.

Dinner is an awkward affair. Rin barely eats, Mikhail chides him from across the table. Because his and Haru's knees just fucking brushed under the table, and Rin almost falls out of his chair. He's not, he can't. Nope. Not the night before All Japan. He wants to scream that this isn't fucking fair. He was just supposed to meet Mikhail, show him the way to his hotel and go back home. His face is burning the entire encounter.

He at least has the sense to text Ai that he isn't going to be home until later. It wasn't supposed to be this late, but. Ai knows his uncle so maybe at least... Haru gives him a look, but Rin shoves his phone back in his pocket before that intense gaze can stare at his phone screen. But Haru pretends like he wasn't looking at all, and continues picking at his food.

It's going to be a long week.

[taeru]

It's for the best they both have something incredibly important to work toward, as it keeps Ai out of his apartment most of the time. He's there in the mornings, sometimes, if he isn't working; and it's typical for him not to come back home until ten, nearly eleven pm, as if maximizing the time until the last train. Giving Rin the space he needs to get his head in the game; giving himself the space he needs to try and get over himself.

One could argue workaholism wasn't healthy, but it does at least keep Ai's mind and body busy enough to forget for almost the length of a week that he and Rin fucked, and that his chest is wide open, and that neither of these things have particularly been resolved or even touched upon; it's only ever at night when Ai's head hits the pillow, body often screaming from overexertion, that he remembers a different ache entirely. He's gotten pretty good at dismissing it as a distraction, probably a skill he's picked up from Rin.

He thought about texting Sousuke, once or twice. But decided ultimately not to proliferate his problems like that; Sousuke deserved better.

He received a text from his uncle that his plane had taken off, but never received another that he'd landed. It isn't until several hours later he sees Rin's text while on his way back from the university pool, not thinking twice of it. Considers it a little odd Rin would warn about such a thing anyway; Ai knew he was with Mikhail, and knew his uncle's eccentricities.

There is a nag at the back of his head, but he does what he's done all week and ignores it, choosing to put his phone on silent and jog the rest of the way back toward his apartment.

[buttterfly]

After three hours of extremely awkward whatevers, Rin and Haru are finally standing outside the restaurant as Azuma and Mikhail wave their goodbyes, tell them to make sure they get enough sleep and--

It's awkward.

Maybe Rin is acutely aware of how not only Mikhail was staring at the faint bruising littering his neck, but now Haru's eyes seem to glance over them. Rin shrinks under the intensity of his gaze. He stands a little awkwardly, looking around and getting his bearings. It's not terribly far from Ai's apartment, but that means going back to Ai's apartment. And he just.

Haru's voice cuts off that train of thought.

"You're not staying with your coach?" Rin bristles at the words.

"No. I'm not staying with someone that eccentric." And Haru just raises a brow, and Rin swears he's going to pop him. "Don't fucking say it." A smirk tugs at the corner of his mouth, but he doesn't say anything. Instead they just stand there awkwardly, and Rin kicks at a little pebble.

"...is Sousuke's far from here?" Haru asks quietly, and Rin whips around to just. Stare at him. It makes perfect sense. Haru got a text from Sou, so naturally he would assume they were staying together. But... Rin shifts his gaze, and looks at Haru a little more intensely, and sees. Something. Stirring in his best friend. He can't pinpoint what--

Oh. Haru's jealous.

Something in Rin slams against his chest, but he covers it up with a choked off laugh. Haru huffs at him, and Rin just elbows him.

"Don't worry Nanase, nothing is messing up my times tomorrow. Don't hold back, got it?" Haru looks at Rin, and looks down at his hand before doing something that makes Rin's stomach flip. Haru holds out his fist, just like Sousuke has always done for Rin. A fucking fist bump. Rin stares down at it, before shakily meeting it with his own. Haru asks Rin if he is going to get back okay, and they agree to part ways.

But Rin fucking bolts back home, and nearly runs into Ai as they near the apartment. He darts backwards with a quick "Shit!" before he realizes it's Ai out jogging, and Rin's hand slams dramatically against his own chest.

"Fuck! Why are you out at this hour?? You wanna get jumped or something?" Ok Rin but you're out right now too so...

[taeru]

"Hey--!" When was the last time someone so rudely mowed him over like that on the street? Had to have been back in Samezuka. He's about to bark something less than kind when the distinct tone of Rin's voice jolts Ai enough to have him coming to a screeching halt, diaphragm rising and falling with his deep intakes of breath.

Rin's reaction takes him off guard, and Ai's both startled by being bumped into enough and taken aback at Rin's sudden bitey-ness enough to level him with the type of expression one might take with a severely misbehaving cat.

"Why are you running and not looking where you're going? What if you fell!" Ai barks, finally collapsing with his palms on his thighs for just a few seconds to let air re-fill his lungs, before - slowly! - jogging the small length up to Rin. Not before looking back, as if his gut told him something was there, but all Ai sees is the expanse of the street and people coming and going.

Ai calms down with a lofty exhale, for a moment undoing the top few inches of his running jacket zipper to let some cool night air waft over his sweat-slicken skin.

"Doing the same thing you're doing," he finally replies, eyes sidelong on Rin for a moment before softening some. "Where are you coming from? Was uncle Mikhail with you?" Ai doesn't have a damn clue. Can only make assumptions. He's walking toward the apartment now, expecting Rin would follow - though with the pace he was bolting at, Ai wouldn't be surprised if he took off again.

[buttterfly]

Rin bristles. Okay, yes, Ai has every reason to be chiding him, but.

"What are you, my mom??" He scoffs, sucking in another few rounds of breath before he finally trails after Ai back to the apartment. "Fuck, just coming back from the three hour dinner from hell. Your uncle is batshit, you know that right?"

He doesn't note the way Ai pulled down his zipper or anything. Just raises a brow at Ai out this late. Land training of all things. Well, All Japan must be bringing all sorts of surprises them. Rin combs a hand through his hair, pushing his bangs out of his eyes.

"Don't you have a breaststroke heat tomorrow? You need your rest." Rin decides to go into mom mode then, fumbling for his key in his pocket as they approach the building. Before he chides on a little more playfully, his mood infinitely lighter after Haru offered that little olive branch.

"Would you tell me I was stupid if I hopped into the 200m freestyle heat tomorrow? Apparently the fastest swimmer in the world is going to be in it." He jokes teasingly, elbowing Ai a little. It's the lightest he's felt since before the awkward occurrences of the week before.

[taeru]

Ai balks! His expression borders on offended and exasperated, "No, senpai! If you fell badly you wouldn't be able to compete tomorrow!" He's nearly stuffing his nose in the air. "Fall any other time, just not tonight." He does laugh a little at the mention of his uncle's antics, though, breathless as it is. "Of course. There's a reason mom tries to dodge having him over whenever he's in Japan."

His response is immediate and steadfast: "I can't slack." More than anyone, he feels. Not an ounce of natural talent to his name, just raw, hard effort. He was out running, at the gym, swimming just as much if not more so than Rin and their other friends had been, determined to make the cuts this year that he couldn't the one previous.

And then Rin says something. And he's light, and elbowing Ai, and. He should be glad to see Rin in such a good mood, but there is just this prick at the back of Ai's mind. His smile is twisted, half-teasing and half-prodding.

"Did you drink or something, senpai?" he asks, it being the only explanation Ai can think of for why Rin is so suddenly out of his mental pit, like a switch had been flipped. Granted, Ai hasn't been around the apartment enough in recent days to track Rin's moods like he usually might've been, but. He has an intuition, and the mention of the 200m free only makes that nag in the back of his head grow. He doesn't elbow Rin back, but does very very gently kick at the side of Rin's ankle, "I've never seen you outside of the one-hundred. Are you sure you wouldn't just sink on the second turn?" Now he's obviously playing into Rin's teasing; Ai would never sincerely downplay Rin's abilities.

[buttterfly]

"Well maybe I wouldn't be worth representing Japan, if a little fall did me in." He kicks back at Ai's shin. Of course the Nitori family would probably be a little hesitant to host him, given his eccentrics. Especially if they're all like Ai. Rin wonders what they're like sometimes. Then again, Ai has put up with a lot over the years. Rin and Momo being notable, Nagisa...

Speaking of Nagisa.

"Oooh, scary. Kirishima better watch himself. Is Nagisa competing?" He's taken back to Samezuka, back to those long nights of seeing Ai push himself to his limits. His hard work had paid off back then, Ai set a club record for his breaststroke time. Not one to sniff at, either. They're almost back at Ai's apartment, when Rin pauses at the question.

Why... does that question feel different? He stuffs his hands in his pockets, his shoulders feel a little tighter. But then Ai tosses on something more lighthearted, and Rin feels a little of the tension melt away. He rolls his eyes. "I'm not gonna sink!" It's his turn to balk now as he fumbles for his key again, losing it in the abyss that is his pocket again. He groans.

"Gotta up my game. I'm making it to fucking worlds, damnit. If that means entering everything..." He tacks on quickly. "Except 1500 meter. Fuck that. Your stamina could probably handle it, though."

[taeru]

"You'd cry if you had to swim with a broken leg," he quips back.

There was familiarity in this; banter, lighthearted jabs. An implicit trust. Normalcy. It's a dangerous thing, all told. Because while it serves to salve over their still-fresh wounds, it reminds Ai of all the reasons he landed himself in a position to be hurt in the first place. Rin's easy-going disposition, his sharp tongue, his determination... Ai feels a traitorous tug in his chest, and without a word, is suddenly jogging the remaining handful of yards down the alley and up the stairs to his front door.

"He is. I have pretty strong competition," he notes evenly, though anyone familiar with him will see the simultaneous nerves and dedication etched into his brow. Leaning against the wall as he waits for Rin to catch up, watches him fumble with his keys for a third time. Despite himself, Ai laughs, a chuckled noise he hides behind his knuckles.

Silently, he begins fishing his own keys out of his pocket.

"You're good at anything you put your mind to, senpai. You'd find a way." The key's inserted, door unlocked, and pushed open for Rin first. Ai dons a playful smile then, "I could help you train for stamina, but you'd have to promise not to complain."

[buttterfly]

Did Ai just fucking--

Rin bolts after him, closing the distance, as he loses the keys once more and just lets Ai fish his own keys out with a grumble. He keeps his hands shoved in his pockets, staring back out at the city for a moment. "Guess I'll count my blessings we don't compete in the same strokes."

This feels easy. Fuck, if Rin had known all he had to do was talk to Haru for five seconds to feel this light again he would have done it the second he came back to Japan. Okay, yes being crammed in the backseat for thirty minutes and being forced to sit next to each other at such a tight table was awkward. But the rest felt fine, natural. Just as natural as this easy back and forth does now.

He leans against the railing for a moment, staring up at the ceiling. Before he realizes Ai is holding the door open for him already and he jolts out of his brain fog and steps in, carefully kicking off his shoes, making his way over to the couch. Ai's offer is being considered a little dramatically as Rin flops against the couch and stares at the ceiling with a little hum.

"Deal. If you can teach me a breathless 50, I'll cook for a week. Ah, maybe after... this though. Mikhail might actually kill me if I try any new regiments this close to the game."

Rin lets his head fall against the back of the couch, and ties his hair up after a moment of consideration. He already showered earlier, and would rather leave it for Ai since he was obviously working his butt off.

"So. You ready?"

[taeru]

There's a lightheartedness to Rin Ai genuinely hasn't seen at all in the past however long Rin's been staying at his place, and it leads him to drawing the obvious conclusions. It wasn't Ai's business, and he doesn't expect Rin to give him all the details, and so Ai very actively, consciously chooses not to be upset that Rin hasn't disclosed something.

He chooses not to look a gift horse in the mouth either; Rin's smiling again, so the why's didn't matter. And after all, it was no different from when they first roomed together, someone else accomplishing in a handful of hours what Ai had tried to do for a year.

Deciding he's believing his own suspicion, he wonders how it might culminate over the course of the week. Wonders what it means for Rin.

Before he can ruminate too much, Ai does that thing he's been doing all week and dismisses it as a distraction before closing his door, toeing off his shoes, and stepping inside. He unzips his jacket and shuffles pliantly across the studio toward his storage in the back.

You're staying after this? is his immediate knee-jerk reaction. He wants Rin to stay, but already, Ai's mind is working overdrive to preemptively shield him from the things that could hurt him. Like Rin leaving because the All Japan is over. Or Rin leaving because someone else has a couch to crash on. Ai smacks his cheeks!! You have more important things to worry about, Aiichirou!

"If you qualify in your free 100m, I'll teach you. And if you come in first, I'll make it special."

He's gathering a set of clean clothes before rounding toward the shower room door. To Rin's question, Ai thinks for a moment, and then shrugs with something akin to resignation.

"As much as I can be, I guess. I'm nervous."

[buttterfly]

"Hinging it on something like that? Woah."

Rin laughs, tilting his head to follow Ai to where he's heading off to. Shower, right. "I've got some stiff competition so I'll do my best." Ikuya, Haru, fuck is Sousuke sticking with backstroke this time? He remembered him mentioning Makoto helping him with it... Rin holds up his hands in mock defeat.

Ai's tone turns a little softer, more muted. Rin blinks over at him.

"Don't get stuck in old habits." Rin warns softly, pulling his gaze away since he's going to the shower soon and might want to change or something. "Your nerves were always what killed you. Don't fall back into that pre-Captain Ai mindset. You and Sousuke worked too hard to tell that to shove off."

[taeru]

Ai could nearly laugh. Because Rin's right, but he's also wrong.

"I was weak back then. In every possible sense." Mentally and physically. "You and Sousuke-senpai helped me tremendously... Without you both, I would have never been able to accomplish the things I wanted to. I've made it this far, so I won't give up now." Rin may see the way Ai pulls a breath and holds it in his lungs, chest puffed a bit as if he could fake his nerves away, "I promise I'll be fine."

Once upon a time, his only desire was to swim with Rin. He was outclassed, overshadowed, and constantly shown time and time again that such a thing required more than a want. It was only after Ai worked hard and came close to realizing that dream that he realized something else entirely - he loved swimming. Rin had given him a goal, but Ai through sheer effort grew past it. This is perhaps the closest he's been to the possibility of taking on the same stage as Rin since second year, and while the prospect lights a fire in his chest, there's a sense of pride in Ai being able to say that his dreams have become so much bigger. Bigger than Rin, bigger than Samezuka - Ai was one of the many who wanted to take on the world, hell or high water. Without Rin stoking that flame inside of him so many years ago, who knows where he'd be now.

Rin gave him something to aim toward. Sousuke showed him how. It's for these reasons Ai would let the entire world burn to ash before reneging on his bond with them.

He disappears behind the shower room door, immediately turning the water to a near-scalding hot as he washes off the night's sweat and his own slightly tumultuous thoughts. The marks on the side of his neck have mostly faded, though are still visible up-close; they're sensitive under the running water. He had hoped they'd disappear by now, but tempers his frustration by thinking about how much worse of a way Rin's neck is in. A complicated flit of frustration kicks in his gut, and Ai resolves to scrubbing his hair furiously, as if to dislodge the feeling from his body.

It's a quick ten minutes before he's reemerging, clothed in a fresh set of pyjamas. Rather than go to his desk to futz around or write in his journal, Ai collapses back-first onto his bed, staring up at the ceiling.

[buttterfly]

Rin smirks at him, before he heads into the shower. "Holding you to it."

He takes a quick moment to change into sleepwear, frowning as he realizes he can smell Haru's fucking food still on his shirt. His lip curls and he shoves it into his little laundry pile in a corner.

His nerves are on edge, his neck still has some color to it and his knee bounces as he lays down on the futon. It's not unusual for him to have some per-competition jitters. He thanks the stars it's not raining tonight, at the very least. He doesn't think he could handle nightmares (if he slept at all) and everything else that happened tonight.

Still...

He pulls out his stupid little book, flipping open to a random page, hoping that maybe some soft and kind words would quell the anxieties yawning in him. He squints through the dim light at the text.

I’ll remember the steps forward and the steps back that led me to where I am and before I begin to move these feet once again, I’ll slowly breathe in grace and exhale peace, knowing that every piece of me is here to be.

It's stupid how soothing a little pocket size book can be in these times. Rin lets the book fall across his face for a moment, letting the words sink in. He really should start thinking seriously about some of the places Kisumi has sent him. He shifts as he hears Ai turn off the water. It's not that it's bad here. But there's also something to be said about sleeping on someone's floor for weeks, hell months, on end. He liked his little space in Sydney. Maybe he could have a nice place in Tokyo. It's not like any of the places Kisumi sent him were abysmal or anything. It's nice to have a friend on the inside who's known you since elementary and knows how picky you are.

Still. Rin sighs.

Ai leaves the bathroom, and is staring up at the ceiling. Rin pulls up his own covers, letting the silence settle for a little while. Before finally, "Get some rest dude, you're going to need it."