It’s something so deprecating to his self worth. The way he’s treated like something that matters. Like none of this matters, and it’s just Rin at his core.
He thinks he understands the out Ai is giving him. But that soft brush of skin, the trace of AI’s thumb over his skin tells another story. It reminds him of the kindness he has spared others so easily. For all their transgressions. Why can’t he allow himself that same thing?
Rin bites his lip, grip tightening on AI’s shirt. He swallows, swiping his tongue over his lips. Because for once words seem completely lost. Even a stammering influx of non cohesive words and thoughts seems lost.
But he tries. Rin tries because Ai is trying, and deserves reciprocation in the kindest form. It doesn’t bother him that Ai is coming out to him. There’s relief. That somebody else gets it. And if Rin had the same experience, surely Ai has had similarities.
”No. You didn’t…” Ai pegged him. It’s fine. It’s not bad apparently. There’s kindred spirits in this quiet apartment.
Theres only one reason Ai could be bringing up Haru like that. He tries to save that for later because he can feel that…
”It doesn’t bother me.” He sighs, unable to meet AI’s gaze. But he doesn’t rip his hand away either. Grateful for the reassuring brush of physical contact for once. “Sorry. For freaking out. It’s nothing bad. Being—“ he can’t bring himself to say the word. But he hopes Ai gets the insinuation.
Even though he dimly thinks it’s fine for everyone except him. Aspiring Olympian. Unable to even know if his dad would approve.
Rin just laughs through the tears. Because it feels so stupid. Why does it fucking matter? Why is it only him?
”You’ve got the patience of a saint you know.” He huffs, sweeping his own thumb across Ai’s arm.
Ai does get it, and doesn't need Rin to spell it out, especially not when Rin seems extremely reluctant to do so. Ai can't blame him, honestly; despite having found inner peace years ago, it's still not something he's exactly practiced saying outright. He just lives as he is, encouraging people to take it or leave it. Loud, unapologetic decrees weren't his forte, and he can't blame Rin for not wanting to do that either. The only reason Ai even mentioned it in passing at all was specifically to bridge the gap to Rin's feelings; to show him he isn't alone.
"You once took a journal from me while I was mid-sentence about these kinds of things, and I felt my blood run cold. So I get it." It's a loose fit - the page being very specific to Rin was more the reason for Ai's panic at the time. But still, the principle stands, and Rin doesn't need to know specifics.
And just like that - the traitorous, damned beast that is his instinct. Skin alighting with goosebumps at the pad of Rin's thumb, a molten heat dribbling down the back of his throat past his lungs and right into his core. How much would Rin backtrack and rescind if he knew? Despite himself, Ai simpers, the smile teetering on the edge of bittersweet.
"If our circumstances were reversed, I'd like to think you'd take care of me too. It isn't patience," it is, "It's just being a friend." He swallows thick. And then laughs softly in a sudden moment of self-awareness, "At least there's no ladder to keep climbing up and down this time to see where you're at. My calves will thank me in the morning."
"Shit. Sorry, I shouldn't have been so grabby." He mutters awkwardly. Even with the excuse of just trying to get Ai to clean up his shit...
It's besides the point now, unfortunately. It does no good for Rin to mentally beat himself over prior transgressions that literally don't hold merit anymore. Because Ai is right. Friendship is give and take. Rin could put himself into his roommate's shoes, and would do the same a thousand times over. Because that's basic kindness right? He's oblivious to the happenings that the pad of his thumb is causing, however. Which might be less than kind. But he's grateful for the point of contact in the obliviousness.
Rin can't force himself to meet Ai's gaze, however. Eye contact being notoriously difficult in emotionally charged moments of vulnerability. But he can let a small laugh slip loose at the sound of Ai's, even if the tension hasn't necessarily dissipated.
"I hate bunk beds." He admits stupidly, his free arm tossing itself over his eyes. That shield, pretending his tears simply don't exist and it makes it easier to excuse the lack of eye contact. Because there's an elephant in the room now, and Rin doesn't think he can just pretend there wasn't the insinuation.
"...Ai." He grits out, trying to keep his voice level. And from a self deprecating spiral into sobbing at the prospect of him somehow outing himself. His fingers tighten on Ai, slipping from just the fabric of his shirt to his arm. "Why did you bring up Haru?" He asks it again. Because it's the thing everyone seems to fixate on. It's the thing those fucking boys latched onto, and used as collateral for their cruelty.
But he also tacks on (because he suddenly feels very small, and doesn't want this conversation to solely revolve around him). "...when did you know? About you, that is."
Ai laughs along with Rin, grateful for the momentary lift of the tension in the room, and especially grateful to see Rin still has it in him tonight to be self-aware enough to smile, even if it doesn't quite reach his eyes yet. It reminds Ai he still has to lay out Rin's futon; he'll do so once this ordeal is behind them.
Then Rin calls his name, and Ai knows some kind of loaded question is coming. In the scant time between that and Rin's actual question, Ai's mind races a thousand thoughts a second. Is this it? Is the mirage over? Am I done for? There's no way. I was so careful. He'll want to move out. It's over. It comes as a relief to instead hear Rin ask about Haruka. If Rin's perceptive, he might even see the way Ai's shoulders had stiffened and then relax to near-gelatinous once the question is actually posed.
The answer is simple and doesn't need dressing, and Ai trusts Rin not to throw a second tantrum in one night. So Ai weasels a hand under Rin's to gently pry it away from his bicep; instead, Ai guides Rin's hand to the top of his own thigh, where Ai is loosely kneeling in front of Rin still, and pats Rin's hand with both of his own. Makes it inexplicably clear that Ai has zero hang-ups about any of this, and what his priority is.
"In first year, I assumed you had feelings for him." Ai rolls his eyes up in thought for a moment, and then it's his turn to not be able to make eye contact; a spot on the floor between them is suddenly very interesting. "I know what yearning looks like, so I took a guess. That's all." And then he quickly amends before Rin can get any thoughts in his head, "It didn't bother me at all. It just made me worry sometimes whether or not you were alright."
Asked about his own experience, well. Ai laughs again, but the noise is poignantly bittersweet.
"Middle school? I think. I was scolded for sending a note to one of the other boys on Valentine's Day despite that being sensei's prompt." Ai then shrugs, "And I put a word to it in high school a little after we met." He leaves out the grittier details; the unfortunate, borderline violent stories he is willing to wager they both share.
He misses the shoulders drop, but not for lack of trying. Everything's blurry through his leaky eyes. There's no use in fighting the shame this time around. It's all out in the open now. It wouldn't have taken a genius to figure it out after all. Rin was anything but subtle.
He sucks in a shuddering breath. Focusing on the expanding of his lungs, as opposed to the boiling in his blood, that fresh, hot wave of shame building needlessly. It's stuffed into a corner temporarily. Because he latches onto that little phrase. Even if only for a moment. I know what yearning looks like. Rin wonders if that's from personal experience or--
Ai's touch is warm on his hands, and he doesn't snatch the appendage away despite feeling self conscious at needing something like coddling. It's nothing new to Ai. Ai has seen Rin at his lowest. Through nightmares, and toxicity with his own mindset.
But he posits not to answer it with anything, not at first. Instead latching onto Ai's words. Because addressing some of those things, sharing those details of your life can be challenging. And Rin knows Ai did the same, and just wants to offer the same courtesy in exchange. Despite not knowing some of the more painful details behind it. It's quiet for a moment, before Rin continues.
"...yeah. You were right." He sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. The small sting a carefully constructed distraction. "Sort of why talking about Australia sets me off. That last trip before graduation mostly."
But back into Ai territory. Not because he's not willing to talk about it right now, but because he wants him to feel heard as well. "That's shit. I'm sorry."
Assignments shouldn't be contingent on gender like that. While the violent stories are silent, they're far from forgotten. It's likely Ai has experienced some of the same cruelties though. A pang of regret settles in him at the prospect of the Samezuka team having had anything to do with the instances. Most of the boys were kind, and Seijuro would have beat the pulp out of anyone bad mouthing a member of their team. But behind closed doors, well. Anything is fair game.
"Sounds like that was sort of the year everyone found themselves, I guess."
"I see." Which is the confirmation Ai needs that Rin and Haruka maybe aren't still a thing - or Rin's given up. Ai doesn't know the details for certain, but there is one truth, which is that Rin is here and not at Haruka's place. Even if it was absent of the man in question.
And he feels filthy. Disgusting and full to the brim of self-loathing for the undue relief and hope it gives him. Like a sick vulture. The part of him buried low and deep, gasping for air. Ai wrings his eyes shut, tells his heart to shut up, and instead taps into that which is closer to the surface: his sympathy for Rin. His sadness that Rin is hurting so much. These more manageable things that he could deign to solve because they were not inherently his problems.
Belatedly, "I'm sorry." Not just for what Ai thinks is love lost, but for having to endure all of that from A to Z all alone.
Rin's quip has Ai lolling his head with a simper. And his cheeks heat at the implications of what comes next, "Not that I got up to much in first year, but." He clears his throat. "Difficult to navigate, honestly. I wasted so much time trying to be the last one in the locker room so I could be alone, or first one to practice to change alone. It was the small things." It was self-defense. Sheepishly, he dares to look at Rin again. "Never in our room, though. Things were fine in room two-ten... I could drop those pretenses around you." I wasn't scared.
Maybe there's that fresh wave of agony that he's here, and not at Haru's. He just accepts the apology for what it is, pushing past it. It is what it is. Distance does things to people. It was obvious Haru didn't think he could handle something like that, and even if Rin was back now.
Because Ai's admission that their room was some sort of a sanctuary softened the blow. Maybe that was at least something he could offer people. Semblances of understanding, and quiet sympathies. It was obvious Ai clung onto that year spent together. Knowing he wasn't alone, and there were other people like him.
Rin understands. Painfully. Navigating a world of sports dominated by men, a boarding school rife with expectations and having to share rooms and beds and showers with other boys, never knowing who could be judging you or checking you out. He sighs.
"Glad I at least did an okay job with that." It wasn't all bad, that first year. But Rin was so constantly on edge he felt like Ai bore the brunt of that far more frequently than he should have. It's not meant to guilt or self deprecate. Just acknowledge the fact.
He feels too exhausted to sleep, but too exhausted to stray away from all of this. Leaving it so open feels wrong. And besides, Rin doesn't think he could sleep anyways. He's too on edge, too wrought from sobbing and fear. He just pries instead, because he wants to listen. Maybe it will hide the shake in his voice, that hint of exhaustion at being awake for so long.
"Did you ever uh, you know." The implication is clear.
Rin's heart is so laden with guilt and Ai wishes he had more of a presence to be able to fix it. He's long since forgiven Rin for first year, and wants to model for Rin what living unapologetically can look like. Ai thinks it simply so unfair that someone capable of such incredible depths, who unanimously has changed the lives of every single person he's ever come in contact with, who is so beyond capable and confident and golden, can be so shackled.
He knows it isn't his to fix. But he can still try; remain present, as always.
"You helped me a lot with English, too. You were very good at that." It's a tease, because he wants to try and get Rin out of his head a little. He remembers being so fixated back then on watching Rin's mouth shape out every syllable, slow and deliberate so Ai could understand--
Rin's subsequent question hits his psyche for critical damage what with where his brain had just wandered. Immediately Ai blinks owlishly and feels his heart leap up into his throat. He's also painfully aware he still has Rin's hand on his thigh, and is unsure if keeping it hostage or relinquishing it would be a worse look right now. So senpai's curious about this kind of stuff after all...
"Yes." And he's quick to shake his head, "Um, but never in our room-- never in first year." His mouth gapes, then closes. Unsure how much detail was appropriate, or what Rin's motive for asking even was. Never mind the absolute nuke that would be the detail of who Ai's first was. Would Rin look at him differently? Does he now? Does it count if it was his own hand, mere feet above Rin, wishing it was something else entirely?
"Did you, senpai?" He desperately needs the attention off him - a seemingly mutual feeling as they ping-pong their vulnerability back and forth. Ai's pretty sure it's a foregone conclusion anyway. Just look at Rin; he could get anyone he wants, and Ai is pretty damn sure he's heard something once or twice.
"I mean. It's fine. It was your room too." Rin bites out, shame flooding him. Not like he has any room to criticize. It happened more than once. He gave Haru his keycard, pretended like he lost it and got another one. And left it at some open invitation. One that Haru took wordlessly.
His hand on Ai's thigh suddenly feels awkward, and he gently pulls it back to run his fingers through his hair. Grounding or whatever, even though he's literally the one that started this conversation. Ever the supportive roommate. He can feel his nails dig into his own scalp a bit.
Did you?
And how the hell is he supposed to answer that? Rin awkwardly stays clammed up for a bit, his lips twisting into some frown as he stares at a patch on the floor again. But finally, some words slip out. Things he would like to forget, but simply can't.
"Yeah. Couple of times." He tries to brush it off casually.
"Ah, well." Modesty wasn't the problem! "It was more that it wasn't on my radar at the time." Rin rescinding his hand does in fact make Ai relax a little too, even if he finds himself suddenly missing the contact point. A moment's heat, there and gone, and too late for him to make anything of it. Without meaning to mimic Rin, Ai too pushes his hand through his hair, trying to get a grip on his senses; his palm slides down to the back of his neck, leaving his hair in something of shaggy disarray.
He hums his assent. Couple of times seems normal - was it with just Haruka? Or has Rin explored otherwise? Ai's curiosity gnaws at him, but he just can't bring himself to outright ask. Half part prudishness, half part something green he doesn't want to give a name. But he figured if he wants to take, he has to give first. For a brief moment he flashes his eyes over Rin, before continuing to study the far wall again.
"It wasn't until near the end of second year, actually. Right before you graduated." He tilts his head in gesture. "And we weren't dating. It was more a thing of convenience." Of unburdening a weight they both carried; it was very, very good while it lasted. "But it must feel different, right? When it's with that someone."
The evening has been a steady back and forth of sharing--secrets? Maybe that's too shameful a word to attach to these things. It's nothing to hide, just things that maybe two people don't share outright. Rin can't put a name to it.
Ai revealing it's second year though makes Rin still for a moment. He was beaten down with responsibilities that year, scouting offers, outperforming himself to desperately show the world what he could do. But he remembers too, the quieter moments. Knowing Ai was down in the pool at all hours, trying to do his best. He remembers seeing Sousuke there with him, for so many long nights.
And Rin pauses.
There were times Sousuke seemed blatantly absent throughout that year. Knowing what Rin knows now, he chalked it up to agonizing over his lost career, his lost dreams. Sulking around campus like he had everything to hide. Rin had known throughout the year he was keeping secrets. But at the end of the year, he just assumed it was his shoulder. But now a little voice in the back of his mind, one of the more intuitive thoughts, strays towards it. Before he drops it, because there's no way. Right?
But something in him drops, because appearances are easier to keep than telling the truth. How many things do people hide from him, because they think he might be too emotional? He shoves it aside again, internalizing something that says he's being stupid and he's way too tired to be thinking this hard right now.
So he coughs a little instead, trying to find the words. Because how the hell can someone just ask something like that? So carefree and easy? Was that Haru? That person? The one Rin had chased after for so many years, and then...
"Sometimes... that someone might feel like it in the moment. Even if they're not."
Rin wonders if he was just a thing for Haru's convenience. That claws at him. And he doesn't want to show Ai that rawness that still stings, even after all this time. He tries to be casual again, resting his elbow on the floor and propping his head up. His gaze falls on one of the bookshelves, his tone a little lighter.
"Told you you were trouble. Come on, don't be modest. More than once? You must have been pretty good."
He's staring at Rin. It's blatant, it's painful, and it's raw. How does he even begin to unpack that? Exactly how much had they been mirrors after all this time? There is a heat that burns a knot in the back of his throat, a pressurized lid refusing to relieve the scalding steam that needs expelled from his lungs. God how pathetic, he thinks, that his first thought is that could have been me.
Rin's more practical question barely lands on him, he's so singularly stuck on that thought. Unfortunately - or fortunately? - for him, the heat that now burns from his ears down to his clavicle rips his attention back to the present. A solid second or two after the colour has overtaken his face does Ai finally balk, waving his hand furiously in front of his face.
"It... Lasted for a time, yes. But how can I possibly know that? That's for someone else to decide, isn't it?" He swallows thickly, a hand rubbing at his nape as if he could rub the heat away. "It felt good, and it was fun. I guess it'd be pretty impossible not to learn a thing or two along the way..."
A pause. And then in a sudden rush, the steam has pushed past his esophagus and is now tripping over his tongue faster than he can swallow it back down.
"Was it worth it?" he asks, so-- pointedly. "Knowing you're not being met in the middle. Did you still enjoy it?"
Rin just chalks Ai's weirdness up to talking about this in the open. But. This is something guys do right? Ty and some of the other members of the team used to do it all the time. Natsuya chiming in drunkenly from the corner after he had settled in their lives. Sometimes in great detail. So really it's fine. Right?
Normal.
"Hey man, good for you." Rin laughs, the first genuine sound out of him in the last hour. He can be happy for friends finding things like that. Sex isn't bad. Far from it. Especially tangled up in the confines of school and growing up, there's some comfort in sharing those things with another person. Something Rin knew all too well.
The question throws him off a little. But he tries to remain open to sharing, because Ai clearly just played the share game with him and Rin needs to be the one to meet him in the middle too. He's already crashing at his house, using his things, Ai paid for his dinner... Rin bites his lip, and lays on his back, staring up at the ceiling through outstretched fingertips raised above him.
"Well. At the time it felt like we were meeting in the middle." A sad smile warps his features. His eyes lid. "But... when it was right, when our timing lined up, it was like racing. You know that moment in the water when everything is all weightless and you can't hear anything? Just feeling your body syncing up with the water? Two hearts lock in, breaths sync. Nothing between you but that rythm."
Rin is romantic. Rin is sappy. Rin is a chump for not being more considerate about some of these details, but Ai asked and he's already succumbed to exhaustion so the words flow freer now. Much like when Natsuya would drown himself in beer.
"Like those lanes blurring and you're swimming together. It's dizzying. Feeling someone inside you, outside." Rin swallows, a sad laugh bubbling out. "But then it's gone. And you choke because you remember you're just one body again." He tries to shrug off the pain. It's not the first time he's felt it. And it certainly won't be the last.
"Even if it hurt. Even if I only got that feeling momentarily, it was fucking worth it."
Multiple problems arise in the face of Rin's candid recollection, and all of Ai, in and out, has difficulty staying on the roller coaster. His first reaction is a shock and awe that Rin would be so candid with him; even if they're both older now, had always been somewhat close. They never dared bring up these types of topics back in Samezuka. On Ai's part, it was a means of tempering himself; if the topic was never breached, he never had to ruminate on it. The second wave is a symbiotic pain, hearing Rin's words and knowing they're all past tense. The third, an overwhelming envy. Not just for whom Rin shared it all with, but for the sheer fact he had the gall to pursue what he wanted anyway, circumstances be damned. The fourth, a sickening hope, one he far too instinctively tamps down quicker and easier than any other feeling that had washed over him.
Fifth and last is the painful self-awareness that he's growing hot under the collar.
Thankfully, on account of having once been a lovesick sixteen year old with too many hormones but even more patience and tenacity to spare, he's able to keep himself in check. But by god, Rin is not making it easy. Would he handle this conversation better if it wasn't taking place after such a long day, at such a late hour, so soon after he's seen Rin for the first time in years?
"I'm jealous," he finally says, with a lopsided smile and another rub of the back of his neck. "I never came close to anything like that... Maybe I'm a coward after all." He shifts so he's no longer sitting kneeling, and instead crosses his legs.
He clears his throat, "Don't-- don't get me wrong. The sex was good." The word finally out in the open, too. Sousuke treated him so well. "Really good. But it wasn't-- nothing about it was..." He pauses. Tilts his head. Figures using Rin's own analogy works best here,
"I wanted to drown. That's all. I wanted to feel so out of breath that I couldn't think about anything else afterward." He rubs his arms. "And then we'd finish, and reality would come back. As you could imagine, that sort of thing can't last very long. But for the time it did, it was nice."
Another pause, and that-- blank, lost, ruminating expression shifts into a much more present curiosity, and he's even looking at Rin sidelong.
Because it's haunted him. Not in the bad, mocking way those american kids back in Australia were implying. But because throughout his return to Japan and subsequently dorming up in bunk-style settings, he's either been mocked or asked that question. Which has a loaded meaning and in Australia definitely fucking means something else. Rin bristles instinctively, swallowing down whatever that was and focusing instead on Ai's other words.
"Why would you be a coward?"
Rin presses. Ai has never struck him as that. Determined to do and get what he wants, and with the track record to prove it. There's that little tittering in the back of his head though, when Ai had begun describing the sex itself. That loaded question. The one he decides to go for, because it's a night of sharing and if he asks and Ai doesn't want to answer or Rin is wrong. Well.
"Wow. Really good is better than most of us got at that age, you know?" Rin tries to lighten the mood. "Our first time sucked."
"Was it someone I knew?" He presses curiously, casting a glance at Ai. He can get a pretty good read on people. And maybe Ai's expression will say everything. Not that Rin is forcing him into saying anything. Some secrets are better left unsaid. But Rin can't deny that faint spark of curiousity. The two people at Samezuka he was closest with. What would bring them together like that? Those late night practices...surely they talked.
About what?
But back to that stupid bottom, fucking... Rin licks his lips, and tries to swallow down another noise of anguish. Rin had said it after all. He fucking said it, and he knew he said it. There's no shame but. He's always put on that stupid facade. I'm Rin Matsuoka. I've got a girly name, but I'm definitely a boy. Don't make me prove it! That last one... never translated well in english. He shoves the embarrassing memory aside.
"That a problem?" It's a halfhearted hiss. Like a cat who got water dumped on it. Something that seems more himself than whatever this conversation has divulged into.
"Being with someone even if it seems impossible... I don't know. I couldn't bring myself to do it." He titters, then waves his hand, "Well, it's just like you to pursue what you want recklessly, in the water and out." What and who, evidently. Vaguely, Ai wonders what Haruka must be doing now.
And he's about to make another quip at how logistically difficult and awkward his first time was on account of a rather ridiculous size difference, how they had spent more time laughing than sweating, how it played a small part in wanting to bulk up in second year, but.
It isn't that Ai purposefully wants to keep the information from Rin; it's only that he isn't sure Sousuke would want it to be known. And either Rin is a very good liar (Ai knows he isn't), or Sousuke truly hadn't confided in Rin either. Which comes to Ai as a bit of a shock, if he's honest. Ultimately though, after staring blankly at Rin for an uncomfortable few seconds, Ai decides he trusts both men enough to just be forthright.
But god, his face very nearly rivals Rin's hair in colour.
"Yes." He pauses, as if to silently apologize for giving Rin the mental image. "It was Sousuke-senpai." Ai scratches his cheek right below his beauty mark, as if that might get his skin to cool down a bit. "Um-- please understand it wasn't my intention to hide it from you. At the time we never talked about these things... And I was only vague now out of consideration for Sousuke-senpai. But we're still friendly, and still talk all the time. We just don't-- do that anymore." Sousuke found a way to move on. Ai found better ways to cope.
And then he jumps a bit when Rin bites back at his question, immediately shaking his head, "No! Of course not! Why would it be? Besides, it isn't as if we,"
"."
Now he's shaking his head and waving his hand, "Well!! If you ask me, both is fine! So what does it matter if it feels good, right?"
He knew it. He fucking knew it. He wants to call it like he sees it, accuse Ai and Sousuke of covering up their little tryst (??? is that the right word for it?? whatever). Rin just stares at Ai, mouth slightly agape.
His best friend, and his ex-roommate/very good friend were fucking and he didn't know? Rin bites his lip. Well it wasn't like he was very forthcoming that Haru was screwing him sideways either. But that was besides the point. Ai quickly tacks on that he isn't trying to hide anything, was merely being considerate and Rin is still bristling at finding out like this. He glares over at Ai, and huffs.
"You guys should have told me. What the fuck?" It lacks the bite of anything serious. But everything falls into place, and it all makes sense now. All those late nights of Sousuke not getting in until fuck o'clock, every excuse in the book. Why wouldn't Sousuke want to tell him? Was he ashamed, or...
He instead chooses to retort to Ai's backpedaling. A silent you better watch it lacing his tone.
"That's what I thought." Rin grits, tossing his book at Ai in a much more light manner this go around.
Dodged! Ai will take a million books to the chest if it means Rin will continue to be too heated to notice Ai slipping. He threatens himself to sleep well tonight so as not to make the same mistakes again.
Besides, Rin is being chronically unfair about something else right now, which earns him a stern glower and pout from Ai, who fumbles but catches Rin's book and holds it in his lap.
"You never once told me about Nanase-san. Not even when I asked." And he asked a lot, always concerned for Rin, and always trying to protect himself too. He continues, "Who knows why Sousuke-senpai didn't want to tell you? I can only speak for myself. It didn't seem like something you'd be interested in." Maybe from Sousuke, but certainly not from Ai; he didn't consider his comings-and-goings pertinent enough to Rin's interests circa ~three years ago. And for Sousuke's part, he can only speculate. Maybe Sousuke really was embarrassed over the whole ordeal - or, knowing Ai's dilemma, didn't want to spill to Rin and risk opening that can of worms. No matter which way one looks at it, they are a bit of an odd pair.
Rin balks. There was a time when the only accountability he ever held was when Ai called him out on shit. After High School, that dissolved into holding himself accountable for things. Easy when you're emotionally detached from everyone and everything around you. Easier still when you gaslight yourself into thinking you're back in your home country.
But Ai is right. And Rin sinks his teeth into his lip.
"Alright, alright. I got it. Christ." He bites back, pulling his arm down to drape over his face, covering his eyes. It wasn't fair. Ai had constantly asked him about Haru. Sousuke too. Rin didn't want to touch whatever was going on between Sousuke and Haru with a ten foot pole. But Ai's curiousity seemed innocent enough at the time. Brought to fruition out of concern more than anything. Or so Rin speculated.
"Maybe I'm a normal person, and like hearing when my friends have life changing experiences. Sue me." He rolls his eyes painfully hard, dragging his arm down to sling over his chest. The awkward silence that trails is painfully obvious. And Rin knows he caused it, so he tries to just dip his toes back into whatever playful banter they at least had for the last few minutes. Even if remembering some of the more intimate details of his life prove to be painful.
They still happened. They were part of him now, and he should accept that piece of himself. He sighs.
"Sousuke ever let you fuck him?" Rin says carelessly, like he was talking to Ai about the weather. "He always talked about wanting to try."
Ai levels his eyes over Rin in his totality when he drapes his arm over his face. Despite the topic teetering uncomfortable sometimes, he's relaxed. Built... Enough of that! Ai leans forward to place Rin's book on top of Rin's stomach with a quiet sigh.
"I can get my journal from then and read it to you if that makes you feel better." Yes, he's teasing. But in a lesser way, he's also deflecting a little. Rin might've been volatile during their first year of friendship, and occupied during their second, but Ai had his own shortcomings - namely, always always downplaying his position in most peoples' lives. Approaching friendships as if he was a burden at the outset. It was lost on him that Rin might've been interested to know even the most basic of things - why he's visiting family this weekend, why he's not going to be around that evening. Why is he disappearing with Sousuke so often. He owed it to Rin to try and be a bit more forthright; to let himself take up space.
Rin's arm moves down, and Ai's eyes move down with it. And then whip right back up to Rin's face at his crass question - Ai's blood vessels have no more blood to spare. He just blinks, stupid and owlish but resigned to the fact Rin is going to know all of him at this rate.
"We... Tried. Given his, um." Ai just-- vaguely gestures with his hands. "-- Our first time doing more, we thought it'd be safer if it was me." And the way he deflates! Ai's expression goes deadpan, "But no matter how we tried to configure it, it wasn't really working. And he didn't exactly seem comfortable, so we switched." And that was a slow process, but at least they didn't have to whip out the Kama Sutra to get their bodies to fit. Ai is surprisingly pliant, it turns out. He rubs his neck and commits to the sentiment floating in his head, "The times we were up for it, that's how we did it. Otherwise, I preferred used my mouth."
And so as not to get hung up on that as a thought between them, Ai pivots. "I really thought he'd told you, so I'm not surprised you two talked about this kind of stuff. Did you tell him about your situation back then, too?" With Haruka, he means, but worries if he says the name a third time Rin will kick him out of his own apartment.
He misses the not so subtle way Ai is dragging his gaze along with Rin's arm. Better they know all of each other this way, and not in a screaming match or Rin throwing books of poetic varieties.
He can't help but laugh. It's rude, and he knows it. But the mental image he was just presented with is too vivid in his head. And he presses his palm against his forehead in the process. That real, raw laugh tumbling out of him. It feels good. It's at the expense of two of his friends, sure. But Sousuke would go that far, wouldn't he? Wanting to take it for once, so awkwardly trying to until they realized it wasn't going to really work out.
"Sorry, I just." Rin spits out, trying to stifle his giggles. "You probably just described the reason he never told me." It all makes sense now. Sousuke knows Rin would have died of laughter even harder if he had been the one to tell him. All stuttery and stoic and awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck. And Rin would have fallen off wherever they were sitting, and caused a scene.
But it pivots back. As it has this whole evening. A thought for a thought. An eye for an eye. Rin groans, pushing both palms against his eyes. Like that would somehow shield him from having to answer just as honestly.
"No way. He and Haru had some weird shit going on that year. I thought they were going to strangle each other." Rin admits awkwardly. He never really asked about it, fearing it would have to do with something akin to jealousy, or. "After that stupid water gun fight, they seemed cool though... eh. I don't know. Didn't really think about it." Awfully hypocritical of you Matsuoka, but.
"Glad you guys still talk though. Silly when that stuff gets in the way." His tone turns a little solemn. But far from whatever it was earlier in his depressing spiral.
Rin's laughter is genuinely music to his ears, and Ai will happily take it at his own expense. The situation was absurd anyway and warranted making fun of, if he's honest; he and Sousuke definitely laughed about it in the moment too. Despite cheeks hot from embarrassment, Ai doesn't actually feel all that embarrassed, though; he sits with his legs a shoulder's width apart, feet flat on the floor, elbows on his knees, and palms pressed to both of his cheeks. And just rubs them up and down, with a purposefully over-dramatic groan and pout to match.
"My life is probably a liability now. If you don't protect it at all costs, I'll never forgive you." By which he means never letting it get back to Sousuke that Ai told Rin!
His tone is far too bright because it's far too hard not to find Rin's laughter infectious. Even as Rin details his reasoning for not telling Sousuke, and Ai thinks under the circumstances it was the right call at the time. As obfuscated as the details were at the time, Ai was perceptive, and even he could pick up on something going on over there. He'd even go as far as to wager that once or twice, Sousuke brought that energy back behind closed doors. Ai still isn't sure what to make of it.
"We did it as friends, so the transition was easy." Ai would genuinely be upset to lose Sousuke as a confidant. In much the same way he'd be upset to lose Rin as a trusted friend; their balance is too good now. Ai doesn't want to rock the boat, despite himself.
"It's impressive honestly, Rin-senpai. How effortlessly you draw people in." Speak for yourself!
Rin holds up his hands, letting that mock surrender hover above his face.
"Your secret's safe with me. Buuut, just to keep it even. If Sousuke texts me with any bottom bunk jokes in the near future, I'm fucking kicking you out of your own apartment. Sound fair?"
It's an ominously playful tone.
But Ai is right. That easy transition between friends and friends with a little addition. Rin wonders, if now that he's back Haru would... he jolts free from that train of thought, squeezing his eyes shut in the process. No. Not happening.
Sousuke was weird during those times. And Rin couldn't even pinpoint it. Only later realizing it was health related. Or probably at least. Or maybe it all tied in together somehow. His face burns at Ai's comment? Compliment? And he mutters a weird, jumbled thanks as he rakes his bangs out of his face.
"Not my fault people are into crazy." A self deprecating jab, but a playful one. Mildly less so than some of the darker commentary he had aimed at himself earlier in this conversation. Rin groans.
"Sounds fair." Ai would never, anyway. Though Sousuke is the only living being who has heard any amount of griping from Ai about his woes, Ai would never go as far as to disclose specifics he's talked about with Rin, for all the same reasons he didn't indulge Rin at first about Sousuke either. In this way, he now owes both men a debt.
To Rin's self-deprecating jab, Ai pauses for thought. Then decides the first one that had crossed his mind isn't too dissimilar from something he might've said three, four years ago. Slowly, he rises up to his feet; stretches his arms above his head, and hears a satisfying pop! from his shoulder.
"That isn't true. My tastes are better than that." His tone is, in necessity, so straight it's obviously playful. Real 5D chess move. His last bout of releasing the steam from the pressure valve before he grows so incoherent he can't reel it all back in; he was tired, but he felt in control. Banter between friends was harmless, right?
He shuffles to just the other side of the room where one of his floor-to-ceiling storage systems is, opening it and retrieving a rolled up futon and a set of sheets. Gets to work moving his little coffee table out of the way so as to lay the futon out for Rin and get it dressed.
"I wonder what sort of person Rin-senpai likes." That isn't Haruka-shaped. Ai squats beside the futon and pats it, "Did you bring your pillow?"
He awkwardly scoots a bit closer to the wall, as Ai puts together the futon. Rin knows Ai will just shoo him away if he tries to intervene. He feels like a horrible guest, and glares daggers around the apartment, trying to find something to do with himself when Ai isn't around. But it's fairly put together.
...dish duty it is. Ugh.
He leans against the wall, putting his arms behind his head. Ai says something, that makes Rin think for the umpteenth time tonight. My tastes are better than that Just like that comment Rin couldn't discern from flirting or not earlier. He squints at Ai, but doesn't say anything. Except his mind refuses to drop it this time. Despite his best efforts.
He doesn't vocalize it, however. They just fumble out of an already awkward conversation, and are both exhausted. But Ai just brushes right back into it, and it makes Rin bristle a bit. He bites his lip, twisting his gaze to some distant wall. At both comments. What kind of person does he like? He's only ever really liked Haru, as long as he could remember to be honest. Is he just doomed to be into stone cold boys with a water fetish?
"You people live to fuck with me, I swear." First the bottom bunk comments, then the pillow. Ugh. He'll never escape either of them. Rin rubs the back of his neck, scrunching his nose and closing his eyes as he tries to think.
"Shit, I don't know...the kind of person who makes the quiet less scary I guess." What kind of answer is that?? He fumbles a bit, trying to formulate something else. But the stammer that follows is equally deep and thoughtful. "Someone who's home just by being there."
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Date: 2025-07-13 05:37 pm (UTC)He thinks he understands the out Ai is giving him. But that soft brush of skin, the trace of AI’s thumb over his skin tells another story. It reminds him of the kindness he has spared others so easily. For all their transgressions. Why can’t he allow himself that same thing?
Rin bites his lip, grip tightening on AI’s shirt. He swallows, swiping his tongue over his lips. Because for once words seem completely lost. Even a stammering influx of non cohesive words and thoughts seems lost.
But he tries. Rin tries because Ai is trying, and deserves reciprocation in the kindest form. It doesn’t bother him that Ai is coming out to him. There’s relief. That somebody else gets it. And if Rin had the same experience, surely Ai has had similarities.
”No. You didn’t…” Ai pegged him. It’s fine. It’s not bad apparently. There’s kindred spirits in this quiet apartment.
Theres only one reason Ai could be bringing up Haru like that. He tries to save that for later because he can feel that…
”It doesn’t bother me.” He sighs, unable to meet AI’s gaze. But he doesn’t rip his hand away either. Grateful for the reassuring brush of physical contact for once. “Sorry. For freaking out. It’s nothing bad. Being—“ he can’t bring himself to say the word. But he hopes Ai gets the insinuation.
Even though he dimly thinks it’s fine for everyone except him. Aspiring Olympian. Unable to even know if his dad would approve.
Rin just laughs through the tears. Because it feels so stupid. Why does it fucking matter? Why is it only him?
”You’ve got the patience of a saint you know.” He huffs, sweeping his own thumb across Ai’s arm.
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Date: 2025-07-13 06:01 pm (UTC)"You once took a journal from me while I was mid-sentence about these kinds of things, and I felt my blood run cold. So I get it." It's a loose fit - the page being very specific to Rin was more the reason for Ai's panic at the time. But still, the principle stands, and Rin doesn't need to know specifics.
And just like that - the traitorous, damned beast that is his instinct. Skin alighting with goosebumps at the pad of Rin's thumb, a molten heat dribbling down the back of his throat past his lungs and right into his core. How much would Rin backtrack and rescind if he knew? Despite himself, Ai simpers, the smile teetering on the edge of bittersweet.
"If our circumstances were reversed, I'd like to think you'd take care of me too. It isn't patience," it is, "It's just being a friend." He swallows thick. And then laughs softly in a sudden moment of self-awareness, "At least there's no ladder to keep climbing up and down this time to see where you're at. My calves will thank me in the morning."
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Date: 2025-07-13 08:23 pm (UTC)It's besides the point now, unfortunately. It does no good for Rin to mentally beat himself over prior transgressions that literally don't hold merit anymore. Because Ai is right. Friendship is give and take. Rin could put himself into his roommate's shoes, and would do the same a thousand times over. Because that's basic kindness right? He's oblivious to the happenings that the pad of his thumb is causing, however. Which might be less than kind. But he's grateful for the point of contact in the obliviousness.
Rin can't force himself to meet Ai's gaze, however. Eye contact being notoriously difficult in emotionally charged moments of vulnerability. But he can let a small laugh slip loose at the sound of Ai's, even if the tension hasn't necessarily dissipated.
"I hate bunk beds." He admits stupidly, his free arm tossing itself over his eyes. That shield, pretending his tears simply don't exist and it makes it easier to excuse the lack of eye contact. Because there's an elephant in the room now, and Rin doesn't think he can just pretend there wasn't the insinuation.
"...Ai." He grits out, trying to keep his voice level. And from a self deprecating spiral into sobbing at the prospect of him somehow outing himself. His fingers tighten on Ai, slipping from just the fabric of his shirt to his arm. "Why did you bring up Haru?" He asks it again. Because it's the thing everyone seems to fixate on. It's the thing those fucking boys latched onto, and used as collateral for their cruelty.
But he also tacks on (because he suddenly feels very small, and doesn't want this conversation to solely revolve around him). "...when did you know? About you, that is."
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Date: 2025-07-13 08:39 pm (UTC)Then Rin calls his name, and Ai knows some kind of loaded question is coming. In the scant time between that and Rin's actual question, Ai's mind races a thousand thoughts a second. Is this it? Is the mirage over? Am I done for? There's no way. I was so careful. He'll want to move out. It's over. It comes as a relief to instead hear Rin ask about Haruka. If Rin's perceptive, he might even see the way Ai's shoulders had stiffened and then relax to near-gelatinous once the question is actually posed.
The answer is simple and doesn't need dressing, and Ai trusts Rin not to throw a second tantrum in one night. So Ai weasels a hand under Rin's to gently pry it away from his bicep; instead, Ai guides Rin's hand to the top of his own thigh, where Ai is loosely kneeling in front of Rin still, and pats Rin's hand with both of his own. Makes it inexplicably clear that Ai has zero hang-ups about any of this, and what his priority is.
"In first year, I assumed you had feelings for him." Ai rolls his eyes up in thought for a moment, and then it's his turn to not be able to make eye contact; a spot on the floor between them is suddenly very interesting. "I know what yearning looks like, so I took a guess. That's all." And then he quickly amends before Rin can get any thoughts in his head, "It didn't bother me at all. It just made me worry sometimes whether or not you were alright."
Asked about his own experience, well. Ai laughs again, but the noise is poignantly bittersweet.
"Middle school? I think. I was scolded for sending a note to one of the other boys on Valentine's Day despite that being sensei's prompt." Ai then shrugs, "And I put a word to it in high school a little after we met." He leaves out the grittier details; the unfortunate, borderline violent stories he is willing to wager they both share.
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Date: 2025-07-13 09:57 pm (UTC)He sucks in a shuddering breath. Focusing on the expanding of his lungs, as opposed to the boiling in his blood, that fresh, hot wave of shame building needlessly. It's stuffed into a corner temporarily. Because he latches onto that little phrase. Even if only for a moment. I know what yearning looks like. Rin wonders if that's from personal experience or--
Ai's touch is warm on his hands, and he doesn't snatch the appendage away despite feeling self conscious at needing something like coddling. It's nothing new to Ai. Ai has seen Rin at his lowest. Through nightmares, and toxicity with his own mindset.
But he posits not to answer it with anything, not at first. Instead latching onto Ai's words. Because addressing some of those things, sharing those details of your life can be challenging. And Rin knows Ai did the same, and just wants to offer the same courtesy in exchange. Despite not knowing some of the more painful details behind it. It's quiet for a moment, before Rin continues.
"...yeah. You were right." He sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. The small sting a carefully constructed distraction. "Sort of why talking about Australia sets me off. That last trip before graduation mostly."
But back into Ai territory. Not because he's not willing to talk about it right now, but because he wants him to feel heard as well. "That's shit. I'm sorry."
Assignments shouldn't be contingent on gender like that. While the violent stories are silent, they're far from forgotten. It's likely Ai has experienced some of the same cruelties though. A pang of regret settles in him at the prospect of the Samezuka team having had anything to do with the instances. Most of the boys were kind, and Seijuro would have beat the pulp out of anyone bad mouthing a member of their team. But behind closed doors, well. Anything is fair game.
"Sounds like that was sort of the year everyone found themselves, I guess."
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Date: 2025-07-13 10:15 pm (UTC)And he feels filthy. Disgusting and full to the brim of self-loathing for the undue relief and hope it gives him. Like a sick vulture. The part of him buried low and deep, gasping for air. Ai wrings his eyes shut, tells his heart to shut up, and instead taps into that which is closer to the surface: his sympathy for Rin. His sadness that Rin is hurting so much. These more manageable things that he could deign to solve because they were not inherently his problems.
Belatedly, "I'm sorry." Not just for what Ai thinks is love lost, but for having to endure all of that from A to Z all alone.
Rin's quip has Ai lolling his head with a simper. And his cheeks heat at the implications of what comes next, "Not that I got up to much in first year, but." He clears his throat. "Difficult to navigate, honestly. I wasted so much time trying to be the last one in the locker room so I could be alone, or first one to practice to change alone. It was the small things." It was self-defense. Sheepishly, he dares to look at Rin again. "Never in our room, though. Things were fine in room two-ten... I could drop those pretenses around you." I wasn't scared.
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Date: 2025-07-14 09:39 pm (UTC)Because Ai's admission that their room was some sort of a sanctuary softened the blow. Maybe that was at least something he could offer people. Semblances of understanding, and quiet sympathies. It was obvious Ai clung onto that year spent together. Knowing he wasn't alone, and there were other people like him.
Rin understands. Painfully. Navigating a world of sports dominated by men, a boarding school rife with expectations and having to share rooms and beds and showers with other boys, never knowing who could be judging you or checking you out. He sighs.
"Glad I at least did an okay job with that." It wasn't all bad, that first year. But Rin was so constantly on edge he felt like Ai bore the brunt of that far more frequently than he should have. It's not meant to guilt or self deprecate. Just acknowledge the fact.
He feels too exhausted to sleep, but too exhausted to stray away from all of this. Leaving it so open feels wrong. And besides, Rin doesn't think he could sleep anyways. He's too on edge, too wrought from sobbing and fear. He just pries instead, because he wants to listen. Maybe it will hide the shake in his voice, that hint of exhaustion at being awake for so long.
"Did you ever uh, you know." The implication is clear.
no subject
Date: 2025-07-14 10:00 pm (UTC)He knows it isn't his to fix. But he can still try; remain present, as always.
"You helped me a lot with English, too. You were very good at that." It's a tease, because he wants to try and get Rin out of his head a little. He remembers being so fixated back then on watching Rin's mouth shape out every syllable, slow and deliberate so Ai could understand--
Rin's subsequent question hits his psyche for critical damage what with where his brain had just wandered. Immediately Ai blinks owlishly and feels his heart leap up into his throat. He's also painfully aware he still has Rin's hand on his thigh, and is unsure if keeping it hostage or relinquishing it would be a worse look right now. So senpai's curious about this kind of stuff after all...
"Yes." And he's quick to shake his head, "Um, but never in our room-- never in first year." His mouth gapes, then closes. Unsure how much detail was appropriate, or what Rin's motive for asking even was. Never mind the absolute nuke that would be the detail of who Ai's first was. Would Rin look at him differently? Does he now? Does it count if it was his own hand, mere feet above Rin, wishing it was something else entirely?
"Did you, senpai?" He desperately needs the attention off him - a seemingly mutual feeling as they ping-pong their vulnerability back and forth. Ai's pretty sure it's a foregone conclusion anyway. Just look at Rin; he could get anyone he wants, and Ai is pretty damn sure he's heard something once or twice.
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Date: 2025-07-14 10:28 pm (UTC)His hand on Ai's thigh suddenly feels awkward, and he gently pulls it back to run his fingers through his hair. Grounding or whatever, even though he's literally the one that started this conversation. Ever the supportive roommate. He can feel his nails dig into his own scalp a bit.
Did you?
And how the hell is he supposed to answer that? Rin awkwardly stays clammed up for a bit, his lips twisting into some frown as he stares at a patch on the floor again. But finally, some words slip out. Things he would like to forget, but simply can't.
"Yeah. Couple of times." He tries to brush it off casually.
no subject
Date: 2025-07-14 10:46 pm (UTC)He hums his assent. Couple of times seems normal - was it with just Haruka? Or has Rin explored otherwise? Ai's curiosity gnaws at him, but he just can't bring himself to outright ask. Half part prudishness, half part something green he doesn't want to give a name. But he figured if he wants to take, he has to give first. For a brief moment he flashes his eyes over Rin, before continuing to study the far wall again.
"It wasn't until near the end of second year, actually. Right before you graduated." He tilts his head in gesture. "And we weren't dating. It was more a thing of convenience." Of unburdening a weight they both carried; it was very, very good while it lasted. "But it must feel different, right? When it's with that someone."
no subject
Date: 2025-07-14 10:58 pm (UTC)The evening has been a steady back and forth of sharing--secrets? Maybe that's too shameful a word to attach to these things. It's nothing to hide, just things that maybe two people don't share outright. Rin can't put a name to it.
Ai revealing it's second year though makes Rin still for a moment. He was beaten down with responsibilities that year, scouting offers, outperforming himself to desperately show the world what he could do. But he remembers too, the quieter moments. Knowing Ai was down in the pool at all hours, trying to do his best. He remembers seeing Sousuke there with him, for so many long nights.
And Rin pauses.
There were times Sousuke seemed blatantly absent throughout that year. Knowing what Rin knows now, he chalked it up to agonizing over his lost career, his lost dreams. Sulking around campus like he had everything to hide. Rin had known throughout the year he was keeping secrets. But at the end of the year, he just assumed it was his shoulder. But now a little voice in the back of his mind, one of the more intuitive thoughts, strays towards it. Before he drops it, because there's no way. Right?
But something in him drops, because appearances are easier to keep than telling the truth. How many things do people hide from him, because they think he might be too emotional? He shoves it aside again, internalizing something that says he's being stupid and he's way too tired to be thinking this hard right now.
So he coughs a little instead, trying to find the words. Because how the hell can someone just ask something like that? So carefree and easy? Was that Haru? That person? The one Rin had chased after for so many years, and then...
"Sometimes... that someone might feel like it in the moment. Even if they're not."
Rin wonders if he was just a thing for Haru's convenience. That claws at him. And he doesn't want to show Ai that rawness that still stings, even after all this time. He tries to be casual again, resting his elbow on the floor and propping his head up. His gaze falls on one of the bookshelves, his tone a little lighter.
"Told you you were trouble. Come on, don't be modest. More than once? You must have been pretty good."
no subject
Date: 2025-07-14 11:21 pm (UTC)Rin's more practical question barely lands on him, he's so singularly stuck on that thought. Unfortunately - or fortunately? - for him, the heat that now burns from his ears down to his clavicle rips his attention back to the present. A solid second or two after the colour has overtaken his face does Ai finally balk, waving his hand furiously in front of his face.
"It... Lasted for a time, yes. But how can I possibly know that? That's for someone else to decide, isn't it?" He swallows thickly, a hand rubbing at his nape as if he could rub the heat away. "It felt good, and it was fun. I guess it'd be pretty impossible not to learn a thing or two along the way..."
A pause. And then in a sudden rush, the steam has pushed past his esophagus and is now tripping over his tongue faster than he can swallow it back down.
"Was it worth it?" he asks, so-- pointedly. "Knowing you're not being met in the middle. Did you still enjoy it?"
no subject
Date: 2025-07-14 11:34 pm (UTC)Normal.
"Hey man, good for you." Rin laughs, the first genuine sound out of him in the last hour. He can be happy for friends finding things like that. Sex isn't bad. Far from it. Especially tangled up in the confines of school and growing up, there's some comfort in sharing those things with another person. Something Rin knew all too well.
The question throws him off a little. But he tries to remain open to sharing, because Ai clearly just played the share game with him and Rin needs to be the one to meet him in the middle too. He's already crashing at his house, using his things, Ai paid for his dinner... Rin bites his lip, and lays on his back, staring up at the ceiling through outstretched fingertips raised above him.
"Well. At the time it felt like we were meeting in the middle." A sad smile warps his features. His eyes lid. "But... when it was right, when our timing lined up, it was like racing. You know that moment in the water when everything is all weightless and you can't hear anything? Just feeling your body syncing up with the water? Two hearts lock in, breaths sync. Nothing between you but that rythm."
Rin is romantic. Rin is sappy. Rin is a chump for not being more considerate about some of these details, but Ai asked and he's already succumbed to exhaustion so the words flow freer now. Much like when Natsuya would drown himself in beer.
"Like those lanes blurring and you're swimming together. It's dizzying. Feeling someone inside you, outside." Rin swallows, a sad laugh bubbling out. "But then it's gone. And you choke because you remember you're just one body again." He tries to shrug off the pain. It's not the first time he's felt it. And it certainly won't be the last.
"Even if it hurt. Even if I only got that feeling momentarily, it was fucking worth it."
no subject
Date: 2025-07-15 12:04 am (UTC)Multiple problems arise in the face of Rin's candid recollection, and all of Ai, in and out, has difficulty staying on the roller coaster. His first reaction is a shock and awe that Rin would be so candid with him; even if they're both older now, had always been somewhat close. They never dared bring up these types of topics back in Samezuka. On Ai's part, it was a means of tempering himself; if the topic was never breached, he never had to ruminate on it. The second wave is a symbiotic pain, hearing Rin's words and knowing they're all past tense. The third, an overwhelming envy. Not just for whom Rin shared it all with, but for the sheer fact he had the gall to pursue what he wanted anyway, circumstances be damned. The fourth, a sickening hope, one he far too instinctively tamps down quicker and easier than any other feeling that had washed over him.
Fifth and last is the painful self-awareness that he's growing hot under the collar.
Thankfully, on account of having once been a lovesick sixteen year old with too many hormones but even more patience and tenacity to spare, he's able to keep himself in check. But by god, Rin is not making it easy. Would he handle this conversation better if it wasn't taking place after such a long day, at such a late hour, so soon after he's seen Rin for the first time in years?
"I'm jealous," he finally says, with a lopsided smile and another rub of the back of his neck. "I never came close to anything like that... Maybe I'm a coward after all." He shifts so he's no longer sitting kneeling, and instead crosses his legs.
He clears his throat, "Don't-- don't get me wrong. The sex was good." The word finally out in the open, too. Sousuke treated him so well. "Really good. But it wasn't-- nothing about it was..." He pauses. Tilts his head. Figures using Rin's own analogy works best here,
"I wanted to drown. That's all. I wanted to feel so out of breath that I couldn't think about anything else afterward." He rubs his arms. "And then we'd finish, and reality would come back. As you could imagine, that sort of thing can't last very long. But for the time it did, it was nice."
Another pause, and that-- blank, lost, ruminating expression shifts into a much more present curiosity, and he's even looking at Rin sidelong.
"Senpai, do you like the bottom?"
no subject
Date: 2025-07-15 12:33 am (UTC)Because it's haunted him. Not in the bad, mocking way those american kids back in Australia were implying. But because throughout his return to Japan and subsequently dorming up in bunk-style settings, he's either been mocked or asked that question. Which has a loaded meaning and in Australia definitely fucking means something else. Rin bristles instinctively, swallowing down whatever that was and focusing instead on Ai's other words.
"Why would you be a coward?"
Rin presses. Ai has never struck him as that. Determined to do and get what he wants, and with the track record to prove it. There's that little tittering in the back of his head though, when Ai had begun describing the sex itself. That loaded question. The one he decides to go for, because it's a night of sharing and if he asks and Ai doesn't want to answer or Rin is wrong. Well.
"Wow. Really good is better than most of us got at that age, you know?" Rin tries to lighten the mood. "Our first time sucked."
"Was it someone I knew?" He presses curiously, casting a glance at Ai. He can get a pretty good read on people. And maybe Ai's expression will say everything. Not that Rin is forcing him into saying anything. Some secrets are better left unsaid. But Rin can't deny that faint spark of curiousity. The two people at Samezuka he was closest with. What would bring them together like that? Those late night practices...surely they talked.
About what?
But back to that stupid bottom, fucking... Rin licks his lips, and tries to swallow down another noise of anguish. Rin had said it after all. He fucking said it, and he knew he said it. There's no shame but. He's always put on that stupid facade. I'm Rin Matsuoka. I've got a girly name, but I'm definitely a boy. Don't make me prove it! That last one... never translated well in english. He shoves the embarrassing memory aside.
"That a problem?" It's a halfhearted hiss. Like a cat who got water dumped on it. Something that seems more himself than whatever this conversation has divulged into.
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Date: 2025-07-15 12:50 am (UTC)And he's about to make another quip at how logistically difficult and awkward his first time was on account of a rather ridiculous size difference, how they had spent more time laughing than sweating, how it played a small part in wanting to bulk up in second year, but.
It isn't that Ai purposefully wants to keep the information from Rin; it's only that he isn't sure Sousuke would want it to be known. And either Rin is a very good liar (Ai knows he isn't), or Sousuke truly hadn't confided in Rin either. Which comes to Ai as a bit of a shock, if he's honest. Ultimately though, after staring blankly at Rin for an uncomfortable few seconds, Ai decides he trusts both men enough to just be forthright.
But god, his face very nearly rivals Rin's hair in colour.
"Yes." He pauses, as if to silently apologize for giving Rin the mental image. "It was Sousuke-senpai." Ai scratches his cheek right below his beauty mark, as if that might get his skin to cool down a bit. "Um-- please understand it wasn't my intention to hide it from you. At the time we never talked about these things... And I was only vague now out of consideration for Sousuke-senpai. But we're still friendly, and still talk all the time. We just don't-- do that anymore." Sousuke found a way to move on. Ai found better ways to cope.
And then he jumps a bit when Rin bites back at his question, immediately shaking his head, "No! Of course not! Why would it be? Besides, it isn't as if we,"
"."
Now he's shaking his head and waving his hand, "Well!! If you ask me, both is fine! So what does it matter if it feels good, right?"
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Date: 2025-07-15 01:47 am (UTC)His best friend, and his ex-roommate/very good friend were fucking and he didn't know? Rin bites his lip. Well it wasn't like he was very forthcoming that Haru was screwing him sideways either. But that was besides the point. Ai quickly tacks on that he isn't trying to hide anything, was merely being considerate and Rin is still bristling at finding out like this. He glares over at Ai, and huffs.
"You guys should have told me. What the fuck?" It lacks the bite of anything serious. But everything falls into place, and it all makes sense now. All those late nights of Sousuke not getting in until fuck o'clock, every excuse in the book. Why wouldn't Sousuke want to tell him? Was he ashamed, or...
He instead chooses to retort to Ai's backpedaling. A silent you better watch it lacing his tone.
"That's what I thought." Rin grits, tossing his book at Ai in a much more light manner this go around.
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Date: 2025-07-15 01:59 am (UTC)Besides, Rin is being chronically unfair about something else right now, which earns him a stern glower and pout from Ai, who fumbles but catches Rin's book and holds it in his lap.
"You never once told me about Nanase-san. Not even when I asked." And he asked a lot, always concerned for Rin, and always trying to protect himself too. He continues, "Who knows why Sousuke-senpai didn't want to tell you? I can only speak for myself. It didn't seem like something you'd be interested in." Maybe from Sousuke, but certainly not from Ai; he didn't consider his comings-and-goings pertinent enough to Rin's interests circa ~three years ago. And for Sousuke's part, he can only speculate. Maybe Sousuke really was embarrassed over the whole ordeal - or, knowing Ai's dilemma, didn't want to spill to Rin and risk opening that can of worms. No matter which way one looks at it, they are a bit of an odd pair.
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Date: 2025-07-15 02:19 am (UTC)But Ai is right. And Rin sinks his teeth into his lip.
"Alright, alright. I got it. Christ." He bites back, pulling his arm down to drape over his face, covering his eyes. It wasn't fair. Ai had constantly asked him about Haru. Sousuke too. Rin didn't want to touch whatever was going on between Sousuke and Haru with a ten foot pole. But Ai's curiousity seemed innocent enough at the time. Brought to fruition out of concern more than anything. Or so Rin speculated.
"Maybe I'm a normal person, and like hearing when my friends have life changing experiences. Sue me." He rolls his eyes painfully hard, dragging his arm down to sling over his chest. The awkward silence that trails is painfully obvious. And Rin knows he caused it, so he tries to just dip his toes back into whatever playful banter they at least had for the last few minutes. Even if remembering some of the more intimate details of his life prove to be painful.
They still happened. They were part of him now, and he should accept that piece of himself. He sighs.
"Sousuke ever let you fuck him?" Rin says carelessly, like he was talking to Ai about the weather. "He always talked about wanting to try."
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Date: 2025-07-15 02:41 am (UTC)"I can get my journal from then and read it to you if that makes you feel better." Yes, he's teasing. But in a lesser way, he's also deflecting a little. Rin might've been volatile during their first year of friendship, and occupied during their second, but Ai had his own shortcomings - namely, always always downplaying his position in most peoples' lives. Approaching friendships as if he was a burden at the outset. It was lost on him that Rin might've been interested to know even the most basic of things - why he's visiting family this weekend, why he's not going to be around that evening. Why is he disappearing with Sousuke so often. He owed it to Rin to try and be a bit more forthright; to let himself take up space.
Rin's arm moves down, and Ai's eyes move down with it. And then whip right back up to Rin's face at his crass question - Ai's blood vessels have no more blood to spare. He just blinks, stupid and owlish but resigned to the fact Rin is going to know all of him at this rate.
"We... Tried. Given his, um." Ai just-- vaguely gestures with his hands. "-- Our first time doing more, we thought it'd be safer if it was me." And the way he deflates! Ai's expression goes deadpan, "But no matter how we tried to configure it, it wasn't really working. And he didn't exactly seem comfortable, so we switched." And that was a slow process, but at least they didn't have to whip out the Kama Sutra to get their bodies to fit. Ai is surprisingly pliant, it turns out. He rubs his neck and commits to the sentiment floating in his head, "The times we were up for it, that's how we did it. Otherwise, I preferred used my mouth."
And so as not to get hung up on that as a thought between them, Ai pivots. "I really thought he'd told you, so I'm not surprised you two talked about this kind of stuff. Did you tell him about your situation back then, too?" With Haruka, he means, but worries if he says the name a third time Rin will kick him out of his own apartment.
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Date: 2025-07-15 03:33 am (UTC)He can't help but laugh. It's rude, and he knows it. But the mental image he was just presented with is too vivid in his head. And he presses his palm against his forehead in the process. That real, raw laugh tumbling out of him. It feels good. It's at the expense of two of his friends, sure. But Sousuke would go that far, wouldn't he? Wanting to take it for once, so awkwardly trying to until they realized it wasn't going to really work out.
"Sorry, I just." Rin spits out, trying to stifle his giggles. "You probably just described the reason he never told me." It all makes sense now. Sousuke knows Rin would have died of laughter even harder if he had been the one to tell him. All stuttery and stoic and awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck. And Rin would have fallen off wherever they were sitting, and caused a scene.
But it pivots back. As it has this whole evening. A thought for a thought. An eye for an eye. Rin groans, pushing both palms against his eyes. Like that would somehow shield him from having to answer just as honestly.
"No way. He and Haru had some weird shit going on that year. I thought they were going to strangle each other." Rin admits awkwardly. He never really asked about it, fearing it would have to do with something akin to jealousy, or. "After that stupid water gun fight, they seemed cool though... eh. I don't know. Didn't really think about it." Awfully hypocritical of you Matsuoka, but.
"Glad you guys still talk though. Silly when that stuff gets in the way." His tone turns a little solemn. But far from whatever it was earlier in his depressing spiral.
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Date: 2025-07-15 03:49 am (UTC)"My life is probably a liability now. If you don't protect it at all costs, I'll never forgive you." By which he means never letting it get back to Sousuke that Ai told Rin!
His tone is far too bright because it's far too hard not to find Rin's laughter infectious. Even as Rin details his reasoning for not telling Sousuke, and Ai thinks under the circumstances it was the right call at the time. As obfuscated as the details were at the time, Ai was perceptive, and even he could pick up on something going on over there. He'd even go as far as to wager that once or twice, Sousuke brought that energy back behind closed doors. Ai still isn't sure what to make of it.
"We did it as friends, so the transition was easy." Ai would genuinely be upset to lose Sousuke as a confidant. In much the same way he'd be upset to lose Rin as a trusted friend; their balance is too good now. Ai doesn't want to rock the boat, despite himself.
"It's impressive honestly, Rin-senpai. How effortlessly you draw people in." Speak for yourself!
no subject
Date: 2025-07-15 04:08 am (UTC)"Your secret's safe with me. Buuut, just to keep it even. If Sousuke texts me with any bottom bunk jokes in the near future, I'm fucking kicking you out of your own apartment. Sound fair?"
It's an ominously playful tone.
But Ai is right. That easy transition between friends and friends with a little addition. Rin wonders, if now that he's back Haru would... he jolts free from that train of thought, squeezing his eyes shut in the process. No. Not happening.
Sousuke was weird during those times. And Rin couldn't even pinpoint it. Only later realizing it was health related. Or probably at least. Or maybe it all tied in together somehow. His face burns at Ai's comment? Compliment? And he mutters a weird, jumbled thanks as he rakes his bangs out of his face.
"Not my fault people are into crazy." A self deprecating jab, but a playful one. Mildly less so than some of the darker commentary he had aimed at himself earlier in this conversation. Rin groans.
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Date: 2025-07-15 04:18 am (UTC)To Rin's self-deprecating jab, Ai pauses for thought. Then decides the first one that had crossed his mind isn't too dissimilar from something he might've said three, four years ago. Slowly, he rises up to his feet; stretches his arms above his head, and hears a satisfying pop! from his shoulder.
"That isn't true. My tastes are better than that." His tone is, in necessity, so straight it's obviously playful. Real 5D chess move. His last bout of releasing the steam from the pressure valve before he grows so incoherent he can't reel it all back in; he was tired, but he felt in control. Banter between friends was harmless, right?
He shuffles to just the other side of the room where one of his floor-to-ceiling storage systems is, opening it and retrieving a rolled up futon and a set of sheets. Gets to work moving his little coffee table out of the way so as to lay the futon out for Rin and get it dressed.
"I wonder what sort of person Rin-senpai likes." That isn't Haruka-shaped. Ai squats beside the futon and pats it, "Did you bring your pillow?"
no subject
Date: 2025-07-16 02:39 am (UTC)...dish duty it is. Ugh.
He leans against the wall, putting his arms behind his head. Ai says something, that makes Rin think for the umpteenth time tonight. My tastes are better than that Just like that comment Rin couldn't discern from flirting or not earlier. He squints at Ai, but doesn't say anything. Except his mind refuses to drop it this time. Despite his best efforts.
He doesn't vocalize it, however. They just fumble out of an already awkward conversation, and are both exhausted. But Ai just brushes right back into it, and it makes Rin bristle a bit. He bites his lip, twisting his gaze to some distant wall. At both comments. What kind of person does he like? He's only ever really liked Haru, as long as he could remember to be honest. Is he just doomed to be into stone cold boys with a water fetish?
"You people live to fuck with me, I swear." First the bottom bunk comments, then the pillow. Ugh. He'll never escape either of them. Rin rubs the back of his neck, scrunching his nose and closing his eyes as he tries to think.
"Shit, I don't know...the kind of person who makes the quiet less scary I guess." What kind of answer is that?? He fumbles a bit, trying to formulate something else. But the stammer that follows is equally deep and thoughtful. "Someone who's home just by being there."
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