If only he knew how badly, how sorely Ai wanted to kiss and touch upon him as if he were molten gold. To show him there was no fear in being vulnerable; that an exposed heart warrants reward. That love doesn't have to hurt. But Ai is a hypocrite, pinned between a duty and a fear, and is selfish, but isn't selfish enough to renege on what Rin's plainly asked of him. Isn't brave enough to do the exact thing for himself he is trying to do for Rin, winding up in a half-measure.
I feel so useless.
He can feel Rin's body surge with what Ai suspects is a pulse of white heat; he knows the feeling. Keeps his hips such that he fucks into that spot over and over, so badly wanting to grant to Rin his relief. There's sweat on Ai's brow, face buried still against Rin's neck, his back, the back of his hair - anywhere Ai can touch. Though Rin's caught his working hand in a vice, his other scours up Rin's body, migrating from his hip to his lower back. Ai presses down there, encouraging Rin's chest further down; his hips further up. Bringing their bodies just a little bit closer.
Pressure builds in his core; he's close.
"Please," he exhales lowly, hand clawing up Rin's spine and over his shoulders and into his hair; Ai tugs his scalp, just enough to try and bring Rin's head out from where he's buried it in a pillow. So badly wants to kiss whatever he can reach - Rin's jaw, his chin, anything. "Please come. I want to hear you."
Maybe there's a little pushback against his own body. Traitorously fighting off orgasm, because he thinks he for some reason doesn't deserve it. All he wants is release, but he goaded someone he claimed to be a close friend into fucking him stupid. Just because he was pissed off. What right does he have?
But Ai is pressing encouraging kisses along whatever patch of skin he can reach, angling Rin's body just so. He practically spasms underneath the new angle, fingers digging into the sheets with an unbridled sob.
Is that what Ai's doing? Turning this into some sort of competition? Making Rin come first? He digs his heels in, trying to fight it off. But he's already hit that overstimulation shoving him right over the precipice he's been toeing for so long. Touch starved and confused. And so he tumbles over.
And not quietly either.
If it weren't for the rain and thunder looming outside, Rin is sure Ai would get a noise complaint. Because he near bites through his tongue trying to keep the noise back. It still bubbles up anyways, as he comes harder than he has in god knows how long. All because of that stupid tug at his scalp. His body clenches around Ai, his fingernails dig into Ai's hand. Everything whites out, his limbs feel numb, and he doesn't even know who's name he's moaning anymore. The room spins, and everything feels so incredibly heavy as he comes down from whatever this mess is.
Ai's body was just slower to react, stamina forever being his achilles' heel - even under this context. His first time with Rin, his first time giving. If he had it his way, if the world was kind, this wouldn't have been over so soon, and maybe he'd wait for Rin to bounce back for a round two to properly tire himself out. Try lavishing more of the attention on him that Rin seems to squarely reject.
Rin's orgasm is messy and dramatic and makes Ai's breath hitch in his throat. Again, Rin calls out to someone, but Ai can't make out who and for his own sake chooses not to listen too closely anymore. Only when he's certain that Rin's completely spent does Ai pull out, slowly so as not to leave Rin's body with more aches than he likely already has. Trying to be conscientious like that, even still.
Ai's eyelids are heavy as he jacks himself off right at the mound of Rin's hips. In comparison, his peak is much less overt - his voice hitches, the fingers on Rin's hips curl, a shudder runs down his spine. He paints himself over the crevice of Rin's ass and his lower back...
And the silence that falls is, for him, deafening. Rin wanted to be fucked right out of his emotions - now what? Was it overstepping or underperforming to assume aftercare? Does he run a shower for them both - surely not? It's only now, post-orgasm and post-circumstance, that Ai realizes neither of them even got naked. No more sounds of skin slapping against skin, no more moaning from Rin, no more of his own heavy breaths - Ai is now once again acutely in-tune with the bellowing in his own chest, reverberating between his ears.
He has one thought of clarity, which is the threat of guilt if he doesn't do something. Just to be present; it felt right. Ai shifts forward just enough to kiss the back of Rin's hair, nosing him there for a lengthy moment. Trying to etch into his memory the smell and how Rin's hair feels slicked with sweat. Then he's sitting up, almost reluctantly so, hand appreciatively smoothing down Rin's spine in a slow, repetitive motion.
"Are you alright?" he asks, quiet. Suddenly making noise felt like it might make something snap. Ai sits back on his haunches; kisses Rin's tailbone, then his outer thigh. And then Ai's hands fall down to the sides of Rin's legs, as if to give Rin the room to move however he pleases. "I'll-- Let me get you a cloth." Is he running away? Hard to tell. Ai rises to his feet. Addresses Rin but again can't look him in the eye, is instead suddenly self-conscious and tucking himself back into his pants and focusing on that, "Or I can run the shower for you."
Before he can retort, Ai is pulling out of him. And Rin fucking whines, trying to claw for something through his weakened state. No no no no no. This isn't what he wants. He can feel Ai's fingers branding him, but the sound and motions of him getting himself off. Something in Rin sinks, and he wants to vomit.
He isn't even good enough for Ai to get off in.
What a fucking joke.
Rin grimaces at the feeling of come painting his skin. He grits his teeth under it, and something searing boils in him. He feels so empty and miserable now. Ai just acts like he's being burned by touching Rin somehow, touches feather light and hesitant despite being reassuring. He already can feel the tears spilling.
He refuses to look back at Ai, just tugs his tank top down as much as he can to cover the mess and give himself a little dignity. Ai sounds like he's running, so Rin is just going to run too. He shakes his head, forehead against the pillow as he tries to wobble up onto his knees. Rin hisses at the pain coursing through his thighs. Oh yeah, he knew he would be paying for that later. And whatever mindset he's neck deep in is just intensifying it.
His hand slams against the wall next to the futon, as he hoists himself up. He continues to try to keep his tank top tugged down, it barely reaching halfway down his ass. He feels so fucking miserable and empty. He just wants to shower. He can't even look at Ai now. Crying like a girl after taking it up the ass.
"Fine. Just. Gonna shower."
Go figure. No wonder Haru didn't want to be with him. No wonder Ai just wanted to paint his back. No wonder Sousuke never made any move on him, but on Ai.
Rin is still so ice cold, and Ai is just-- beside himself. Whatever he does, he apparently does it wrong. Can't console Rin well enough, can't host him well enough, can't fuck him well enough, can't care for him well enough.
He feels frozen to the wooden floor as he watches Rin struggle to his feet, eyes glassing over.
"Senpai," Ai calls, unsure exactly what he did wrong or how to fix it but now resolute that just letting Rin saunter with a tear-stained face isn't the answer; Ai pads in front of him, places a hand on Rin's shoulder, trying to still him. Maybe just slow enough to help him walk over, Ai doesn't know - he feels compelled to get Rin's attention. To try. Again. Even if every part of him internally is barely held together by string and a wish. "You have to take it easy." You look terrible. You look worse. That's my fault.
He's a slave to himself, and catches Rin's eye, glassy and so far away. It causes his own to sting, a large lump suddenly pressing against the back of his tongue and throat. As if attempting to soothe - as if he could - he shifts his hand, thumbing over one of the many lighter love bites on Rin's neck.
"You could let me help." Mouth open, agape on words he can't find. After a false start he tries again, knowing in the back of his head Rin is at best not listening and at worst priming to tell him to shut up in no uncertain way, but he has to try, "Please. I-- enjoyed it, together. I don't want it to end badly. If this is how you need to look at me now, I want you to at least say you didn't regret it."
He wants to kiss Rin. Looks at his lips. Doesn't.
"-- So let me run you a shower. Or wash your back. Something." Quieter, "Please."
It's tempting to shove Ai away, figuratively and mentally. It's not like he deserves the kindness. He wants to laugh all this off, twist this into something where he can just call Ai that colorful f word and get his ass kicked to the street. He would never. But it's self harm on the highest level for him. Rin bites his lip, jerking underneath the gentle ministrations.
"I don't--"
Need help? Want help? Regret it?
He doesn't even know what answer he is trying to formulate. All he can do is shiver against the wall, feeling Ai press those soothing touches all over his neck. Rin knows he fucked up, he shouldn't have goaded Ai into sleeping with him. Not that Ai didn't consent to it. It would be hard to take it any other way, considering how marred Rin's skin is and how aching he's feeling. But he goaded him into this, he wanted this...
Rin shakes his head. Those gentle words remind him of their year rooming together. Too much kindness for someone who doesn't deserve it. Rin swallows around nothing. He can't stand that look covering Ai's face. Like Rin just monumentally fucked all of this up. He grits his teeth.
"...fine. We can. Shower." He's choking around words, trying to formulate the right ones. "Sorry. Just. Little out of it."
Ai looks at Rin long, trying not to let his concern cross his face but Ai's never been very good at hiding what he's feeling. In most circumstances, anyway. Rin at least has acquiesced, which is something, though it is Ai's instinct to immediately try to back pedal. We don't have to if you don't want to. I don't want to get in your way. It isn't that I don't trust you to do it on your own, I just worry. In a rare and profound moment of post-coitus self-awareness, Ai realizes that overthinking is at least partially what has gotten them in this situation to begin with, and if Rin didn't want him here, in any capacity, he could very easily just tell Ai to fuck off. But he hasn't.
"I can tell," he finally intones, voice a small coo and smile on his face that is no less tired than it would have been an hour ago. But for Rin, he tries; for his own sanity, he tries. Ai's palm slides down Rin's body, to Rin's hand; squeezes it softly, a feather-light touch, before guiding Rin away from the wall he's using for balance and encouraging him to follow and rely on Ai instead.
Traitorous thing, the engine in his chest; despite it all, it throbs painfully hard against his rib cage, finding that even now, even the smallest touch gives him goosebumps. He doesn't need to delude himself into thinking it'll last, knows that whatever happens tonight is in a capsule. It is the impermanence of it, he thinks - he suspects - that enables him to be bolder than he would under any other circumstance.
He walks backward toward the shower room. Pauses for a moment to shuck off his shirt, hands it to Rin. All too little too late now, but Rin may still feel indecent; Ai wants to do whatever he can to try and get those tears to stop. Show him he has someone in his corner, no matter the costs.
"I meant it at the time too, but." He's watching where he steps so as not to bump into anything, crossing the threshold into the shower room, "It really did feel good. You did." He clears his throat a little, "Sorry I was a bit eager." Is he filling space? Yes. He usually wouldn't; he was very good at letting him and Rin coexist in peaceful silence with the demons of Rin's mind among them. For once, his anxiety is threatening to get the better of him, and his mouth runs as a nervous filter.
It would be easy enough to scoff, shove all Ai's worries to the side with more aggression or whatever unhinged mating display he just put on. But maybe that will just intensify the problem at hand. The one where Rin's skin jumps under Ai's soothing touches, guiding him off like some damsel.
His throat tightens.
All throughout life, Rin has become a master of masks. It's just that time to don another one. A softening expression, playing into the role Ai is seeking out. The one that is fine. It's easy to shrink into yourself. It's even easier still to claw so deep inside yourself and press someone else on their feelings, that it's like yours never existed to begin with.
God, he's such a shitty friend. Rin just smiles at the compliment, a soft thing. He lets Ai fill the space, as much as he needs to. Keeping eyes streaked with tears and redness focused on him as they step into the shower together. Gingerly takes the shirt, and keeps it close to his chest. A kind gesture. Too kind.
"Glad you felt good."
He skirts around that Ai said Rin felt good as more of a follow up to 'it' feeling good. Which is fine. He tries to recreate whatever teasing facade they build up together that first night, before Rin inevitably messed that up too.
"That stamina is no joke." He laughs, that forced thing slipping from his lips before he turns around, keeping the shirt clutched close like it's something grounding. It is, but Rin can't pinpoint why. Maybe it's the small act of pity, or just something to dig his fingers into so tight. It spares his palms the blood at least.
Ai can tell Rin is just forcing himself at this point, and it leaves him beside himself. He's no longer all claws and teeth, and Ai gets the sinking feeling Rin is just putting up with him - too exasperated to even be angry anymore. Was Ai really that inconsequential after all?
He's probably numbed himself out, Ai thinks acutely, leaving Rin's body only long enough to get the water going; the shower room is quite typical of a Japanese apartment, the shower head able to reach the entirety of the room but with a designated, tall bathing basin attached to one half of the space. He's fantasized about being in there with Rin, too; being held close under a stream of water, or letting it lap at their knees and chins as Ai massaged him. All such a far cry from their reality, where Rin's clinging to his shirt in the mouth of the room and forcing himself to smile through tears after a round of sex Ai knows without a shadow of a doubt was only meant to salve.
Ai tries to smile too, just to match Rin. But it's apparently harder to even do that much when Rin himself isn't up to the task. Ai could handle teeth and claws; could handle anger. Could handle being taunted, having his earnest feelings torn down. Somehow, he can't handle this. He feels the back of his eyes beginning to burn; is quick to turn his back to Rin as he peels off his pants and underwear, momentarily pressing his palms to his eyes to will them to stay before standing up again, nude and as collected as he could be.
"You make it easy to want to keep going." The pause that follows is a wide, hollow berth. A yawning chasm threatening to drag Ai down by his ankles. He wasn't the one fucked into a futon, yet his entire body feels so sore and heavy. Sapped of his will, reality of it all collecting at their feet, Ai suddenly starts, mouth faster than his brain can process trying to stop it,
"Why did you--," only then catching up. Ai already knows the answer, doesn't have to ask it. He falls back from that precipice, turning to face Rin again, though still can't look him in the eye. Ai busies himself with getting a wash rag wet with suds, trying to pivot, "-- Sorry. Come here, let me wash your back."
It's quiet between the pitter patter of water dribbling down. He doesn't look back as he hears Ai dressing down, it's not like he hasn't seen it anyways. He's felt it practically gutting him, in fact. Besides that, they were roommates, teammates. Nothing they haven't seen a thousand times over.
You make it easy to want to keep going.
Rin wants to fucking laugh that it obviously isn't if Ai had to pull out to get off. But he doesn't say it, just keeping that thin smile on his face as he stumbles through stripping off his remaining article of clothing. It takes a minute, but he tosses Ai's shirt along with it, forgotten in some unnamed corner.
Rin jolts under the question. Flinches under the backpedal, as Ai tries to encroach on his space. Why did he what? There's a thousand questions lingering on the statement, each one more terrifying than the last. Rin bites his lip, turning his head away. But not before grabbing Ai's wrist, the one with the wash cloth. His grip is firm, but not malicious. Maybe more akin to a panicked confusion, dread.
"Why did I what?"
He dares to spit it out, unable to meet Ai's gaze. Why did you do that? Because everything fucking hurts, and he wanted the noise to stop. Why did you make me fuck you? Because Rin is lonely, and misses someone. He doesn't know. He tries to keep that smile on his face, still unable to meet Ai head on. A meek gesture, a demonstration that he's not threatening right now.
Because Rin remembers the panic in Ai's eyes before he kissed him. And it makes bile curl up his throat.
He's booking a surgery appointment tomorrow to sew his damn lips shut. Maybe double book and sneak in a lobotomy in too while he's at it.
It's a damn good thing Rin isn't looking at him because in the moment that follows Rin grabbing his wrist and demanding his question, Ai's eyes grow glassy. His lips contort around the threat of a sob, trying so hard to bite it back at the still-fresh memory. To his credit, he doesn't make a sound; the only wetness on his cheeks the splashback from the shower. There and gone, a fortified wall tossed up at rapid speed so he could remain as every bit as composed as Rin hasn't been.
Because he doesn't need to know why Rin did that; he knows why. Doesn't need to know why Rin wanted Ai to fuck him; Ai knows that, too. He shakes his head because he doesn't want to open this can of worms, but if Rin is insisting it out of him, it's the most clarity he's gotten from Rin since the moment Ai smashed his mug on the floor.
Ai could never be scared of Rin. Not really. Not even after all of this. What scares him the most are consequences; it's why he flinched then, and why his voice is sapped and quiet now.
"Why did you say their names?" Sou-senpai. Ha-ruka. The mocking lilt in Rin's voice still haunts him. The unspoken implications flanking his mockery eat at Ai from the inside.
His eyes widen, and he can't bear to whip around and look. It's gut wrenching and terrifying to think of what expression he might find there. Because Ai's voice is so quiet. And maybe that's when things slowly crumble into place. There's been inklings, sure but. Those words almost solidify that voice in the back of his head. And something in Rin crashes harder than ever before.
He lets go of Ai's wrist, his own dropping down in a clenched off fist. There's a million different responses to the question, each one worse than the last. Rin can't even swallow around the lump, thick in his throat. His teeth sink into his lip, as he fights down the wail his body so desperately wants to let out. What the actual fuck is wrong with him?
"Ai, I..." He pauses, can't even muster a sentence to start. What's easiest? The truth? Or is some fabrication that eases the pain better? He's taken advantage of Ai in every sense. Crashed on his floor, led him on, goaded him into fucking him, and just twisted around with cruelty to repay all the kindness and emotional fuck ups Rin has just inflicted on his friend. His eyes sting.
"...I'm sorry." What a piss poor excuse of an apology. His voice feels so hollow, so small. He tries to give the explanation Ai is desperately owed, and Rin doesn't even know if he can do that right. Pitiful. Ai had hurled something cruel back at Rin. It had been well deserved in the moment, and Rin just bit back with further cruelty, fueled by whatever mess he had started.
"It-- fuck. Look, I wanted you to be fucking angry. You were being so soft, and I." He stops, he can't--won't--reiterate on it. Because he thinks he knows now, and it makes him feel sick. Rin fucking Matsuoka. What a standup guy.
"I didn't want that. Sorry. Shit, I'm sorry."
Those tears spill over again, but he doesn't care. He deserves that sting.
Ai thinks he understands. It wasn't exactly personal. Maybe the fuel was, but the motive wasn't. It was hard to see it in the moment, too blind-sided by his own shackles, but now he thinks he gets it.
It still hurts. He isn't sure how much Rin has parsed out on his own but it's evidently enough for him to feel guilty, which makes Ai internally panic. Ai presses his fingers to the corner of his eye as if again trying to abate the sting.
"Rin-senpai, please." Despite it all, his beckon is to try and get Rin not to self-flagellate. "I get it." Rin wanted to hurt. He had Ai in front of him, and had to work with what he had. It was a low blow, but at least-- Ai isn't sure. At least it wasn't targeted. It wasn't on purpose. Would Rin have said any of it if he knew? Somehow, Ai thinks not. It was a catch 22.
"I'm not you." Quieter, voice betraying him a little with a hitch, "I'm not Nanase-san." He lifts his free hand to thumb away some of the tears pouring from Rin's eyes. Hesitates, but decides quietly, to hell with it all.
"I thought I could show you something different. I thought I could ease the hurt, maybe, just a little, in my own way. I knew it wasn't," and he gets stuck. Right there. I knew it wasn't me you wanted. He can't get the words out so he just tries again, "-- I knew what I was getting into. Yet I still tried... That's on me." The heat behind his eyes is painful; the void in his chest threatens to swallow him whole. So badly he wants to move past this.
"I can only meet you as me." Hell-- against his will, his eyebrows are knitting together, eye brimming. He turns his cheek and holds his free hand's knuckles to his nose and mouth, as if that'll stop the deluge. At the very least, his voice is steady, which is maybe the only saving grace in this entire circumstance, keeping him squarely at pathetic instead of descending fully into shameful. "That's all."
The gentleness of it is a low blow. Ai's hand, even now, still trying to soothe away whatever Rin caused. There's always been hesitancy to lean into tenderness. Especially the kind he brought crashing down on them both to begin with. The exhale is shaky, and he takes a step back. The hand on his face is too much. He can't breathe.
"I didn't want you to be you." He hisses, immediately trying to explain himself because--fuck--that comes out wrong. So wrong. It is cruel, and he can't even bear to look to see if Ai flinches under the words.
"I didn't mean it like that! I. I'm just a fucking wreck, okay? You were being so nice, and it felt fucking awful. I don't deserve it."
Rin chokes on the word. Everything feels like it's about to burst.
"I fucking goaded you into it. It's nobody's fault but mine." His fingers twitch, he wants to run. But he forces himself to stay put, even if he is so cowardly that he can't even meet Ai's gaze head on, can't help but burn underneath every compassionate touch Ai dolls onto him.
"You looked at me like--" Rin can't finish, biting his lip. "Even after I fucking threw that at you. You shouldn't be meeting me anywhere. Not like this. Fuck, I'm sorry." All he can think of is the cold way Haru let the sentence linger. The awkward flight back to Japan. It didn't even feel like he was sad, or hurt. Just done. That blankness followed him for so long, guttural. Then Ai comes diving after Rin and Rin was selfish enough to cling to it.
There was no reason to drag Sousuke or Haru into this fucking mess. But he did it. He'd said it all smirking and confidence thick in his words. A cheap shot.
"-- I know." Even though Rin corrects himself, no matter which way Rin slices it, Ai gets it.
It's that feeling again. A heat crawling up his spine, pressurizing in his gut, threatening to spew out of his esophagus and throat and mouth like a pressured geyser finally releasing itself of its steam. The same exact feeling he had before he'd held Rin to his words. The same exact feeling he had before Rin decided to cause a domino effect.
"I don't understand."
His diaphragm rises and falls with the deep inset of his breaths.
"I don't understand!"
Another voice crack, this time not from his deep and resonant sorrow, but from anger. About fifteen minutes too late, but--
"You move with your head screwed so loose your memory leaks out of your ears. Who gets to decide whether you deserve it or not? If someone chooses you, they did it for a reason!" His blunt fingers scrape against the skin of his chest, as if he might claw his heart out and shove it in Rin's face as proof. "You've no idea the impact you have on people. Because you assume the worst about yourself, so you assume the worst about the rest of us too. That isn't fair!"
He sniffs, once - it's a righteous fury, that noise. Indignant in the way he's staring right at Rin now, laid bare. "The only person who gets to decide how I feel is me." Palms pushing away at his eyes; his voice calms down, but his expression is twisted with his stubborn refusal to keep letting Rin get his way. "If I'm angry with you, if I," he can't. The words won't manifest on his tongue. He bites the inside of his lower lip, stubborn tenacity having racked his spine rod straight. "If you 'deserve' it. That's for me to decide. No one else. Not you."
Their voices crack in tune with the other. But his oozes with a bitter defensiveness. He finally whips around to face Ai. Unlike before, he keeps his hands to himself. He already trashed everything by touching once, he's not keen to make that mistake again. Why won't Ai hate him? Why does he feel like this? Who the fuck looks at someone like Rin, and decides that's what kind of person they want in their life? It's completely hypocritical to what Ai is telling him. But Rin can't shake it.
"Right, because people just wake up wanting to be like this." He spits, his fist shaking at his side. There's some sick, splitting feeling. He has no control here. And he doesn't know how to claw his way back into some semblance of it. Ai's just driving the knife in deeper. And Rin knows it's true.
"I assume the worst because you all fucking leave anyways."
Everything floods back to him. Crashes over him in waves, and Rin snarls the next retort. His head is pounding. Rin was never worth it to Sousuke to tell his big, deep secret. "Because you'll cry." Let alone politely inform Rin he was fucking their teammate. Ai obviously has been holding onto something deeper here, and Rin can't pinpoint why he never said it out loud. Haru... he shoves that thought away as quick as it forms.
Is any of this fixable at this point?
"One day people choose you, and the next--" His mouth slams shut. Haru's name burns in his throat, bile clambering around it. Rin chokes and holds Ai's tear stricken gaze.
"I just wanted to forget." His voice is eerily still. His mouth is drawn into something between a grimace and a sneer. It's all inward reflection at this point. How do you make somebody hate you so much, that they never want to reflect on you again? "What the fuck do you want from me? Psychoanalyzing every goddamn mistake. Newsflash, Nitori. I do that myself." It's a low blow.
Rin doesn't know what else to do. Except push, push, push. All instead of dealing with his own feelings because he doesn't even know how to touch this with a ten foot pole. He swallows, digging his fingernails into his wrist.
"What do you want? For me to admit I'm just some piece of shit who ruined the only good thing he had? Con-fucking-grats. You win. I'm your guy. 'If you' what huh? Wanna tell me why you pulled out? Not good enough to even come in?"
But then Rin shifts, and the words spilling from his mouth don't even carry a direct tone. They're so laced with bitterness and anger and frustration and guilt.
"If you fucking wanted something from me, why'd you wait until I was at my lowest to throw it in my face?" The insinuation on that last part is there. It's clear as day. Why did you never just tell me how you felt? "Or is it easier to watch me fall apart and feel righteous cleaning it all up? Fuck that."
He's seen this snap happen before. He's instigated it once, in fact - had Rin so red mad he snarled, spittled, smashed things and nearly gave up on it all. And back then too, Ai had tried so hard to help. To talk some sense, to be the voice of reason - much like then, it's as if all he's capable of doing is making it worse. Insignificant. Useless. As Rin spits on and on, it's all Ai can do to let him, shameful tears pricking and falling from his eyes, red-hot with his shame.
It wasn't supposed to be like this. None of it was.
"When have I ever left? When?" Ai is so desperate to get through to Rin, he's far past the point of being precious about his feelings anymore. About that which he has obfuscated for so long. But there was more to it than that: so potently, as a visceral need, he feels he has to communicate that the way he's treated Rin historically, the way he's regarded him, tried to be there for him, was not motivated. Never a means to an end, always just a friend looking out for his fellow. In the grand scheme of things, his ardor had very little affect on it all.
"Did I leave when you hit your lows in first year, too? Did I leave when I knew you were chasing Nanase-san? When I didn't make the relay team? Show me when." He furiously wipes at his face. "Show me one instance when I ever left." He knows Rin can't. It's more forward than he might usually be - it's more pushy, it's more selfish in its desire to prove a point to Rin. But Ai feels he has to get through to him somehow.
Hearing his family name makes him stiffen, a wave of deep, tar-like anxiety rolling over his system, thick and unyielding. It hurts, but. He can come to expect this much from Rin; after their conversation just before, understands it to not be personal. He can dress his wounds later; he still has a greater duty here, in service to something greater than what he holds in his chest.
Rin's grotesque comment has Ai shaking his head, lowly, just once. "It wasn't that at all." Despite all of this, despite them flat-out arguing, Ai flushes. "I-- wanted to. But I also understood the context. I thought," pause, breath, "I thought as soon as you were done you'd want to put it behind us. Doing it inside would have only dragged it out."
But Rin just keeps going. It's a deluge. He's throwing knives and trying to see what sticks and Ai knows it, has the metaphoric blood pouring out of his torso to prove it. His bottom lip quivers - pathetic. He sniffs, tries to keep a grip on his composure. And looks away at first, because confronting Rin with the reality of what he's sat on for so long is too large a burden to bear. Ai feels he can't do it, even for Rin's sake. But after a moment's hesitation, sky blue eyes lock on deep, dark crimson, all unmitigated determination and anguish and ardor, all at once. He endures, because he has to.
"But that's exactly it. I didn't want anything from you, Rin-senpai." The name's heavy on his tongue. "Whether or not I was honest, it wouldn't change anything. Not in the way I came to you," His god damn lip going again-- Ai rubs at his mouth with the back of his hand, sets his jaw. No more. Enough. "And not in the way you come to me. We both know that."
He fists his hands in his hair. Hangs his head low.
"But no matter how useless it is, it's living proof there's at least one person on this earth who will stay. You can try all you like, but I'm not going anywhere. I just can't."
Ai's voice cracks something, and Rin wants to run.
"You're not some fucking saint." His voice cracks, he's running out of argument. Running out of ways to spin this in his favor, but Ai is persistently stubborn. And still right fucking here. His voice turns frantic, Ai looks too much like somebody who cares, and Rin can't stand it.
"Good for you. You fucking stayed." It's a lame ass argument. He's grasping at straws. All he can do is try to tack something more appropriate on. "Watched me make a fool of myself. You were always there. Out of everyone else."
Still. Rin's something more akin to a cornered dog, baring his teeth, lashing and snapping out in some attempts to give himself space.
"Maybe you should have said something when I wanted someone to, ever think of that? Not when I'm losing my mind?" Rin barks out, a sobbing laugh ripping out of him. But then Ai fucking apologizes. Sorry. And Rin wants to scream. He wants to rip his hair out, because that's not at all what he wants.
Why? Why can't people just fucking leave well enough alone? Why is Ai like this?? He's the one apologizing. For all of this, out of all people. Rin chokes out a sob, slamming his fist against the tile wall. The sting is a small relief, the only thing he has in this mess.
Ai titters, but it's such a hollow noise. He can't even smile. Just wipes at his face again as he lifts his head, straightens his spine. ever think of that? He honestly could laugh if he didn't feel so painfully low. How many times had he considered it? Weighing the pros and cons of Rin having access to this information? So little of it actually came down to being 'found out' - how he felt had zero bearings on how he acted with and around Rin. Rather, it was always a measure of whether or not he'd become a bigger burden. Selfless in a way that is selfish.
"You never asked." And why would he? Rin always had his sights on someone else. He never had an incentive to know, such was Ai's measure. A sudden confession from his roommate, or his third-best-friend wouldn't have changed a damn thing. Might've only cornered Rin, maybe even made him feel gross. Estranged their relationship, lengthening the miles between them.
Why? Why do you want to stay??
His eyebrows knit for a moment, but then there's a modicum of peace that crosses his countenance - as if for the first time since they started yelling and arguing, he's had a thought of pure clarity. Something so simple it may as well be banal. The sky is blue, the ocean is vast, the birds sing--
"Because I've always admired you."
He finally does smile, watery as it is. "And because you're my friend. It really is as simple as that."
The words throb in his head. A dull echo pounding alongside the migraine that's already beginning to blossom. Everything else loses touch with reality. His retort at not needing to ask, because they're friends goddamnit and Ai should trust him-
It's deadly silent. Only the water crashing down around them any indication of life. Because suddenly, Rin is 17 again, back to back with his best friend and all he can hear is the hum of a fan and the crack in his voice. "I've always admired you. From the day we met..." And here Ai is. Feeding him the same goddamn line.
The universe hates him. Just a cosmic joke.
His voice is ragged when it finally slips free. "Don't--don't say that." It's frantic. "Jesus christ. You too?? Is that the script everyone's passing around now?" Finally Rin begins to step towards the door, panic fluttering in his gaze. The crocodile tears are back in full force now, all out on display.
"You didn't tell me because you didn't want to burden me? That it, right? Fuck you."
He swipes a hand through his hair, tearing at the seams, fumbling around for his tank top forgotten in the corner. His jaw is clenching so tight, it aches. The silence is too much, too final. Too heavy. Rin sinks his teeth into his lip as he pulls the stained clothing back on with hardly a grimace.
But Rin is taking even a moment of silence as finality right now, and he fumbles for the door. He needs to get out. It's too much. He casts a look at Ai, feeling the blood well from his lip.
"I-- I need to go. I'm sorry." He doesn't comment where, he hasn't gotten that far yet. All he knows is he's a parasite here. This is Ai's home and he's fucking sullied it. Selfishly taken up residency like a goddamn cockroach. Made his neighbor's probably hate him between the books, the fucking and the screaming in the middle of the night. Rin doesn't even care that it's still a fucking monsoon ouside.
Because he's just grabbing his phone, shoving the remainder of his clothes on and veering out the door like he's just been burned. But he's considerate in one thing at least, and doesn't slam the door behind him. He's already caused enough damage for one night. For a lifetime.
"Senpai," Ai begins in protest, a pang of hurt overwhelming his senses. He'd put on full display his honest feelings, and even now, even now all Rin can deign to do is compare it to someone else. Ai knows exactly who, and it eats at him inside.
That it, right? Fuck you. It's all he can do to stare. Rin had the right of it this time - nuances be damned. Before he can even open his mouth to try and form words, Rin's already made up his mind. He's moving, picking up his stuff. Ai wonders if the apology is more for Rin or for himself as Rin books it out the door.
It comes in waves. Grief, agony, confusion, regret. Perhaps it's a blessing Rin's taken off, he isn't around to hear the guttural sobbing Ai looses amidst the shower room, water now running cold.
When he finally collects himself enough to exit into the apartment, he isn't sure what to think at seeing that Rin's bag is still there. Relief at first. Despite everything, Ai still wanted this to be the place Rin would return. Even if it meant difficult conversations and new normals. His chest feels so heavy, but this is some amount of reprieve.
The rest is a bit of a blur, his head pounding from the yelling, the tears shed, having been under the water for so long-- he is certain his neighbours are going to issue a noise complaint tomorrow. He cleans up the kitchen, careful not to nick himself on the shattered porcelain. Places the abandoned mug in the sink. Takes off Rin's sheets and lays out a fresh set for him.
He lays down on his bed, on top of the covers. Back turned to the apartment, staring blearily at the curtained window, listening to the harsh batter of the rain against the glass. He wants to make sure Rin is alright, but knows he needs space - Ai isn't foolish enough to run out for him. So he waits. Eyes closed, despite sleep being a long gone conclusion.
Rin goes to Sousuke's first. Showing up on his doorstep in the middle of a storm, shaking and sobbing for a multitude of reasons. It only makes his friend's eyes widen, as he yanks him inside. It's some small blessing his brother isn't there to see him in such a humiliating state. It's bad enough Sousuke had to see it. His neck marred, soaking wet, barely able to stand from the night's activities and Rin's own inner turmoil. All while sobs continue to spill in half coherent chokes.
It doesn't last more than two days, however.
Because Sousuke doesn't press the first twenty four hours. He makes his bed up for Rin, and just lets him sob himself to sleep. He knows Rin gets nightmares in this weather, but he's not stupid either. And so Rin blankly sleeps for the next ten hours. It's awkward when he awakens, and Sousuke is sitting right there at his desk like he never moved at all. But a few hours later, he finally presses.
"You look like shit."
And something in Rin jolts, and they do what they do best after another day of awkwardly skirting around it. Fight it out, until Rin is storming out. Because he knows Sousuke is right. He's not going to hold back, and he doesn't. There's some panicked confusion in Rin's voice when the accusatory words slip out. The 'why did you never tell me's. And Sousuke stays stoic as he can through that argument. Fuck, did everyone know about how Ai feels except Rin himself?
But then Sousuke just gets this sad smile, and something in Rin is gutted. Because his retort is quiet. "How could someone not feel that way?" And Rin isn't fucking ready for this conversation either, because he knows exactly what that soft smile entails, that miserable glaze hovering over his eyes.
And so Rin leaves Sousuke's in that similar fashion.
His phone has long since died. Not that he wants to look at whoever is texting him anyways. He wants to go home. Rin just wants to curl up against his mom on the couch, but she doesn't even know he's back in the country and trekking all the way home looking like this isn't what a good son does.
So Rin does something he's not necessarily proud of for the next two nights.
But night four, he comes back because there's no running from this forever. He's surprised his key still works, truth be told. The smile on his face is a bitter thing, upon the realization. Maybe it's more self sabotaging than anything as he limps through the genkan, slipping off his shoes as quietly as possible. There's dark bags under his eyes, his jacket pulled up; a miserable shielding of the black and blue coating his neck like a scarf. Intensified from whatever Ai left the other night. Deep and smeared.
He can't even bring himself to look into the apartment at first, too miserable to see what mess might still linger. Just staring blankly down at himself. He has a small bag, some stupid sort of peace offering. An olive branch. It's just one of Ai's favorite drinks. Stupid in the grand scheme of things, but.
He wasn't sure how long to expect Rin to be gone, but Ai wasn't stupid or deluded enough to know it'd be an overnight affair. For reasons he cannot begin to comprehend, Rin had seemed more scorned than Ai himself was. The twisted, mangled expression on his face right before he'd bolted for the front door burned into Ai's memory like a brand of his shame.
By day two, he starts worrying. Feels stuck and beside himself. His instinct is to reach out to Sousuke; Ai would have bet Rin had contacted him by now. Haruka was out of the question, which also put Makoto out of the question, and Ai knows both Nagisa and Rei are too far for Rin to consider bunking with, even temporarily. It was triangulation... But if he's there, it's because he's trying to outrun me. If I call, I only make it worse. Never mind touching upon that which he and Sousuke had sought for solace in one another. Ai doesn't think he could ever forgive himself for accidentally putting that on full display to Sousuke now, in the form of a miserable Matsuoka with the bite marks to prove it.
Day three is when he starts sending texts. He wants to trust Rin, and so they aren't panicked - try not to be. Don't beg him either. But on the off chance Rin still had service or didn't outright block him, Ai did what he could to make it evident Rin still had a space.
Are you alright? There's discounts on gyuudon today. I think you left your charger. Please be careful. There's high winds today.
Day four is when the panic manifests. Not only out of human worry for Rin, who is god knows where in Tokyo at the moment, and Ai too afraid to text their only probable mutual friend to know for sure. But for his future; the All Japan was right around the corner. After this entire ordeal, would Rin even be fit to compete? Ai himself had qualified, but was definitely not making any cuts this time around either. A foregone conclusion the moment Rin had dragged him by the collar and kissed him. Ai is a mental wreck at the idea that he might be partially responsible for neglecting Rin the chance to chase his dream fully.
He's gone to work; he's gone to classes; he's swam. Worked out, fed himself, showered. Went on as normally as he could. But every single evening he returns to his apartment, it is as if a bellowing yawn is waiting for an opportunity to swallow him whole.
He is trying - and failing - to go over some study work when he hears the front door unlock. Ai swivels in his chair, line of sight pinning directly across the apartment and on crestfallen red hair. Ai jolts up to his feet, about to run the length of his apartment to Rin-- but pauses. Suddenly is painfully aware of the miles and miles and miles between them. His hand grips the edge of his desk, white-knuckled...
But his eyes are blown wide, glassy with utter relief. Of the maelstrom swirling in his chest, this is the most poignant feeling. His chest rises and falls heavily.
"W--," he begins. Stops. Then commits, "Welcome home."
He doesn't say anything at first. The sting of that greeting. Welcome home. In a place he has completely sullied into feeling alien. Ai seemed so proud of the home he built for himself, and now... Rin awkwardly stands in the doorway, squeezing his wrist, his other hand holding the small bag.
He hates feeling like he's disturbed the very space he dares to occupy, even just by standing.
"I--" Rin falters. He stares at the floor, before forcing himself to move across the small space. It's only to shove the bag into Ai's arms and step back towards the doorway. Like he isn't sure if he belongs here anymore. Home. His stomach lurches. Rin shifts a little, leaning back against the wall near the door. His jacket sticks to his skin, his hair dripping.
Everything looks normal. There's no shattered porcelain, or messed up sheets. Everything looks... normal. Rin swallows around nothing. There's a part of him that just wants to crawl against the futon without another word. But that's the coward's way. And he's been so much of that recently. With everyone. He goes back to grabbing his own wrist, the pressure a nice grounding through this whole mess. He's exhausted. The last time he got any decent rest was at Sousuke's. And before that it was night after night of none through the storms.
His neck aches. His body is stiff. But that fear of occupying space leaks back into him. He's stiff from where he stands. Until finally, Rin tries speaking again.
Ai can at least tell Rin's cooled off - what had been a raging fury and powerful anger days ago has, in its wake, transformed into a resigned solemn. Ai doesn't think he's ever seen Rin so mentally far away. Unsure. Passively, self-deprecatingly, Ai wonders if this is what he looked like all throughout first year.
He watches with that same wide-eyed stare as Rin crosses the space with such speed the floor may as well be made of tacks, shoves a bag in Ai's hand, and then retreats back to the mouth of the studio.
Ai isn't so sure what to do next. What he wants to do differs from when he knows he should do, and both differ from his instinct. He peeks inside the bag - a lemon tea, one of his favourites. The way his chest suddenly feels as if it's about to burst is in and of itself a betrayal, but god damnit, he can't help the way his mouth tries to smile against his cheeks. Not because Rin remembered, or because it's his favourite - but because Rin's trying. It was the little bit Ai needed to feel as if not everything had been lost.
Rather than overthink them both into another argument, Ai decides to lean fully into his intuition. There was nothing to hide anymore - was his rationale. So he takes the lemon tea out of the bag and crosses about half-way over toward Rin, near to his futon. Looks to him with a gentle shake of his head. I forgive you. But if Rin knows Ai, he knows that forgiveness is implicit. I'm sorry, too. Ai swallows down his running thoughts to maintain his composure, eyes flitting over Rin's form to take him in gently.
"It's okay." It's said almost hushed; loud enough to make sure Rin registers, quiet enough that Ai can move past it quickly. He's leaning forward a little then, as if wanting to step closer but not quite having the courage at first. Then, suddenly, decides he's done holding back for Rin's sake; that's half of the reason they've gotten to this point. So he steps closer, just barely in Rin's space, an arm's length away. Ai tries to find his eyes.
"Are you alright?" he doesn't mean emotionally, not that he'd expect Rin to reply as such anyway; he's worried about Rin's condition. Four days is a long time to be a vagabond. "Have you eaten? You're soaking wet..." I missed you. I missed you. I missed you.
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Date: 2025-07-23 11:21 pm (UTC)If only he knew how badly, how sorely Ai wanted to kiss and touch upon him as if he were molten gold. To show him there was no fear in being vulnerable; that an exposed heart warrants reward. That love doesn't have to hurt. But Ai is a hypocrite, pinned between a duty and a fear, and is selfish, but isn't selfish enough to renege on what Rin's plainly asked of him. Isn't brave enough to do the exact thing for himself he is trying to do for Rin, winding up in a half-measure.
I feel so useless.
He can feel Rin's body surge with what Ai suspects is a pulse of white heat; he knows the feeling. Keeps his hips such that he fucks into that spot over and over, so badly wanting to grant to Rin his relief. There's sweat on Ai's brow, face buried still against Rin's neck, his back, the back of his hair - anywhere Ai can touch. Though Rin's caught his working hand in a vice, his other scours up Rin's body, migrating from his hip to his lower back. Ai presses down there, encouraging Rin's chest further down; his hips further up. Bringing their bodies just a little bit closer.
Pressure builds in his core; he's close.
"Please," he exhales lowly, hand clawing up Rin's spine and over his shoulders and into his hair; Ai tugs his scalp, just enough to try and bring Rin's head out from where he's buried it in a pillow. So badly wants to kiss whatever he can reach - Rin's jaw, his chin, anything. "Please come. I want to hear you."
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Date: 2025-07-24 12:38 am (UTC)But Ai is pressing encouraging kisses along whatever patch of skin he can reach, angling Rin's body just so. He practically spasms underneath the new angle, fingers digging into the sheets with an unbridled sob.
Is that what Ai's doing? Turning this into some sort of competition? Making Rin come first? He digs his heels in, trying to fight it off. But he's already hit that overstimulation shoving him right over the precipice he's been toeing for so long. Touch starved and confused. And so he tumbles over.
And not quietly either.
If it weren't for the rain and thunder looming outside, Rin is sure Ai would get a noise complaint. Because he near bites through his tongue trying to keep the noise back. It still bubbles up anyways, as he comes harder than he has in god knows how long. All because of that stupid tug at his scalp. His body clenches around Ai, his fingernails dig into Ai's hand. Everything whites out, his limbs feel numb, and he doesn't even know who's name he's moaning anymore. The room spins, and everything feels so incredibly heavy as he comes down from whatever this mess is.
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Date: 2025-07-24 12:59 am (UTC)Rin's orgasm is messy and dramatic and makes Ai's breath hitch in his throat. Again, Rin calls out to someone, but Ai can't make out who and for his own sake chooses not to listen too closely anymore. Only when he's certain that Rin's completely spent does Ai pull out, slowly so as not to leave Rin's body with more aches than he likely already has. Trying to be conscientious like that, even still.
Ai's eyelids are heavy as he jacks himself off right at the mound of Rin's hips. In comparison, his peak is much less overt - his voice hitches, the fingers on Rin's hips curl, a shudder runs down his spine. He paints himself over the crevice of Rin's ass and his lower back...
And the silence that falls is, for him, deafening. Rin wanted to be fucked right out of his emotions - now what? Was it overstepping or underperforming to assume aftercare? Does he run a shower for them both - surely not? It's only now, post-orgasm and post-circumstance, that Ai realizes neither of them even got naked. No more sounds of skin slapping against skin, no more moaning from Rin, no more of his own heavy breaths - Ai is now once again acutely in-tune with the bellowing in his own chest, reverberating between his ears.
He has one thought of clarity, which is the threat of guilt if he doesn't do something. Just to be present; it felt right. Ai shifts forward just enough to kiss the back of Rin's hair, nosing him there for a lengthy moment. Trying to etch into his memory the smell and how Rin's hair feels slicked with sweat. Then he's sitting up, almost reluctantly so, hand appreciatively smoothing down Rin's spine in a slow, repetitive motion.
"Are you alright?" he asks, quiet. Suddenly making noise felt like it might make something snap. Ai sits back on his haunches; kisses Rin's tailbone, then his outer thigh. And then Ai's hands fall down to the sides of Rin's legs, as if to give Rin the room to move however he pleases. "I'll-- Let me get you a cloth." Is he running away? Hard to tell. Ai rises to his feet. Addresses Rin but again can't look him in the eye, is instead suddenly self-conscious and tucking himself back into his pants and focusing on that, "Or I can run the shower for you."
no subject
Date: 2025-07-24 01:14 am (UTC)He isn't even good enough for Ai to get off in.
What a fucking joke.
Rin grimaces at the feeling of come painting his skin. He grits his teeth under it, and something searing boils in him. He feels so empty and miserable now. Ai just acts like he's being burned by touching Rin somehow, touches feather light and hesitant despite being reassuring. He already can feel the tears spilling.
He refuses to look back at Ai, just tugs his tank top down as much as he can to cover the mess and give himself a little dignity. Ai sounds like he's running, so Rin is just going to run too. He shakes his head, forehead against the pillow as he tries to wobble up onto his knees. Rin hisses at the pain coursing through his thighs. Oh yeah, he knew he would be paying for that later. And whatever mindset he's neck deep in is just intensifying it.
His hand slams against the wall next to the futon, as he hoists himself up. He continues to try to keep his tank top tugged down, it barely reaching halfway down his ass. He feels so fucking miserable and empty. He just wants to shower. He can't even look at Ai now. Crying like a girl after taking it up the ass.
"Fine. Just. Gonna shower."
Go figure. No wonder Haru didn't want to be with him. No wonder Ai just wanted to paint his back. No wonder Sousuke never made any move on him, but on Ai.
no subject
Date: 2025-07-24 01:35 am (UTC)He feels frozen to the wooden floor as he watches Rin struggle to his feet, eyes glassing over.
"Senpai," Ai calls, unsure exactly what he did wrong or how to fix it but now resolute that just letting Rin saunter with a tear-stained face isn't the answer; Ai pads in front of him, places a hand on Rin's shoulder, trying to still him. Maybe just slow enough to help him walk over, Ai doesn't know - he feels compelled to get Rin's attention. To try. Again. Even if every part of him internally is barely held together by string and a wish. "You have to take it easy." You look terrible. You look worse. That's my fault.
He's a slave to himself, and catches Rin's eye, glassy and so far away. It causes his own to sting, a large lump suddenly pressing against the back of his tongue and throat. As if attempting to soothe - as if he could - he shifts his hand, thumbing over one of the many lighter love bites on Rin's neck.
"You could let me help." Mouth open, agape on words he can't find. After a false start he tries again, knowing in the back of his head Rin is at best not listening and at worst priming to tell him to shut up in no uncertain way, but he has to try, "Please. I-- enjoyed it, together. I don't want it to end badly. If this is how you need to look at me now, I want you to at least say you didn't regret it."
He wants to kiss Rin. Looks at his lips. Doesn't.
"-- So let me run you a shower. Or wash your back. Something." Quieter, "Please."
no subject
Date: 2025-07-24 03:58 am (UTC)"I don't--"
Need help? Want help? Regret it?
He doesn't even know what answer he is trying to formulate. All he can do is shiver against the wall, feeling Ai press those soothing touches all over his neck. Rin knows he fucked up, he shouldn't have goaded Ai into sleeping with him. Not that Ai didn't consent to it. It would be hard to take it any other way, considering how marred Rin's skin is and how aching he's feeling. But he goaded him into this, he wanted this...
Rin shakes his head. Those gentle words remind him of their year rooming together. Too much kindness for someone who doesn't deserve it. Rin swallows around nothing. He can't stand that look covering Ai's face. Like Rin just monumentally fucked all of this up. He grits his teeth.
"...fine. We can. Shower." He's choking around words, trying to formulate the right ones. "Sorry. Just. Little out of it."
no subject
Date: 2025-07-24 04:31 am (UTC)"I can tell," he finally intones, voice a small coo and smile on his face that is no less tired than it would have been an hour ago. But for Rin, he tries; for his own sanity, he tries. Ai's palm slides down Rin's body, to Rin's hand; squeezes it softly, a feather-light touch, before guiding Rin away from the wall he's using for balance and encouraging him to follow and rely on Ai instead.
Traitorous thing, the engine in his chest; despite it all, it throbs painfully hard against his rib cage, finding that even now, even the smallest touch gives him goosebumps. He doesn't need to delude himself into thinking it'll last, knows that whatever happens tonight is in a capsule. It is the impermanence of it, he thinks - he suspects - that enables him to be bolder than he would under any other circumstance.
He walks backward toward the shower room. Pauses for a moment to shuck off his shirt, hands it to Rin. All too little too late now, but Rin may still feel indecent; Ai wants to do whatever he can to try and get those tears to stop. Show him he has someone in his corner, no matter the costs.
"I meant it at the time too, but." He's watching where he steps so as not to bump into anything, crossing the threshold into the shower room, "It really did feel good. You did." He clears his throat a little, "Sorry I was a bit eager." Is he filling space? Yes. He usually wouldn't; he was very good at letting him and Rin coexist in peaceful silence with the demons of Rin's mind among them. For once, his anxiety is threatening to get the better of him, and his mouth runs as a nervous filter.
no subject
Date: 2025-07-24 08:54 pm (UTC)His throat tightens.
All throughout life, Rin has become a master of masks. It's just that time to don another one. A softening expression, playing into the role Ai is seeking out. The one that is fine. It's easy to shrink into yourself. It's even easier still to claw so deep inside yourself and press someone else on their feelings, that it's like yours never existed to begin with.
God, he's such a shitty friend. Rin just smiles at the compliment, a soft thing. He lets Ai fill the space, as much as he needs to. Keeping eyes streaked with tears and redness focused on him as they step into the shower together. Gingerly takes the shirt, and keeps it close to his chest. A kind gesture. Too kind.
"Glad you felt good."
He skirts around that Ai said Rin felt good as more of a follow up to 'it' feeling good. Which is fine. He tries to recreate whatever teasing facade they build up together that first night, before Rin inevitably messed that up too.
"That stamina is no joke." He laughs, that forced thing slipping from his lips before he turns around, keeping the shirt clutched close like it's something grounding. It is, but Rin can't pinpoint why. Maybe it's the small act of pity, or just something to dig his fingers into so tight. It spares his palms the blood at least.
no subject
Date: 2025-07-24 09:31 pm (UTC)He's probably numbed himself out, Ai thinks acutely, leaving Rin's body only long enough to get the water going; the shower room is quite typical of a Japanese apartment, the shower head able to reach the entirety of the room but with a designated, tall bathing basin attached to one half of the space. He's fantasized about being in there with Rin, too; being held close under a stream of water, or letting it lap at their knees and chins as Ai massaged him. All such a far cry from their reality, where Rin's clinging to his shirt in the mouth of the room and forcing himself to smile through tears after a round of sex Ai knows without a shadow of a doubt was only meant to salve.
Ai tries to smile too, just to match Rin. But it's apparently harder to even do that much when Rin himself isn't up to the task. Ai could handle teeth and claws; could handle anger. Could handle being taunted, having his earnest feelings torn down. Somehow, he can't handle this. He feels the back of his eyes beginning to burn; is quick to turn his back to Rin as he peels off his pants and underwear, momentarily pressing his palms to his eyes to will them to stay before standing up again, nude and as collected as he could be.
"You make it easy to want to keep going." The pause that follows is a wide, hollow berth. A yawning chasm threatening to drag Ai down by his ankles. He wasn't the one fucked into a futon, yet his entire body feels so sore and heavy. Sapped of his will, reality of it all collecting at their feet, Ai suddenly starts, mouth faster than his brain can process trying to stop it,
"Why did you--," only then catching up. Ai already knows the answer, doesn't have to ask it. He falls back from that precipice, turning to face Rin again, though still can't look him in the eye. Ai busies himself with getting a wash rag wet with suds, trying to pivot, "-- Sorry. Come here, let me wash your back."
no subject
Date: 2025-07-24 09:47 pm (UTC)You make it easy to want to keep going.
Rin wants to fucking laugh that it obviously isn't if Ai had to pull out to get off. But he doesn't say it, just keeping that thin smile on his face as he stumbles through stripping off his remaining article of clothing. It takes a minute, but he tosses Ai's shirt along with it, forgotten in some unnamed corner.
Rin jolts under the question. Flinches under the backpedal, as Ai tries to encroach on his space. Why did he what? There's a thousand questions lingering on the statement, each one more terrifying than the last. Rin bites his lip, turning his head away. But not before grabbing Ai's wrist, the one with the wash cloth. His grip is firm, but not malicious. Maybe more akin to a panicked confusion, dread.
"Why did I what?"
He dares to spit it out, unable to meet Ai's gaze. Why did you do that? Because everything fucking hurts, and he wanted the noise to stop. Why did you make me fuck you? Because Rin is lonely, and misses someone. He doesn't know. He tries to keep that smile on his face, still unable to meet Ai head on. A meek gesture, a demonstration that he's not threatening right now.
Because Rin remembers the panic in Ai's eyes before he kissed him. And it makes bile curl up his throat.
no subject
Date: 2025-07-24 09:59 pm (UTC)It's a damn good thing Rin isn't looking at him because in the moment that follows Rin grabbing his wrist and demanding his question, Ai's eyes grow glassy. His lips contort around the threat of a sob, trying so hard to bite it back at the still-fresh memory. To his credit, he doesn't make a sound; the only wetness on his cheeks the splashback from the shower. There and gone, a fortified wall tossed up at rapid speed so he could remain as every bit as composed as Rin hasn't been.
Because he doesn't need to know why Rin did that; he knows why. Doesn't need to know why Rin wanted Ai to fuck him; Ai knows that, too. He shakes his head because he doesn't want to open this can of worms, but if Rin is insisting it out of him, it's the most clarity he's gotten from Rin since the moment Ai smashed his mug on the floor.
Ai could never be scared of Rin. Not really. Not even after all of this. What scares him the most are consequences; it's why he flinched then, and why his voice is sapped and quiet now.
"Why did you say their names?" Sou-senpai. Ha-ruka. The mocking lilt in Rin's voice still haunts him. The unspoken implications flanking his mockery eat at Ai from the inside.
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Date: 2025-07-24 10:32 pm (UTC)Not by a long shot.
His eyes widen, and he can't bear to whip around and look. It's gut wrenching and terrifying to think of what expression he might find there. Because Ai's voice is so quiet. And maybe that's when things slowly crumble into place. There's been inklings, sure but. Those words almost solidify that voice in the back of his head. And something in Rin crashes harder than ever before.
He lets go of Ai's wrist, his own dropping down in a clenched off fist. There's a million different responses to the question, each one worse than the last. Rin can't even swallow around the lump, thick in his throat. His teeth sink into his lip, as he fights down the wail his body so desperately wants to let out. What the actual fuck is wrong with him?
"Ai, I..." He pauses, can't even muster a sentence to start. What's easiest? The truth? Or is some fabrication that eases the pain better? He's taken advantage of Ai in every sense. Crashed on his floor, led him on, goaded him into fucking him, and just twisted around with cruelty to repay all the kindness and emotional fuck ups Rin has just inflicted on his friend. His eyes sting.
"...I'm sorry." What a piss poor excuse of an apology. His voice feels so hollow, so small. He tries to give the explanation Ai is desperately owed, and Rin doesn't even know if he can do that right. Pitiful. Ai had hurled something cruel back at Rin. It had been well deserved in the moment, and Rin just bit back with further cruelty, fueled by whatever mess he had started.
"It-- fuck. Look, I wanted you to be fucking angry. You were being so soft, and I." He stops, he can't--won't--reiterate on it. Because he thinks he knows now, and it makes him feel sick. Rin fucking Matsuoka. What a standup guy.
"I didn't want that. Sorry. Shit, I'm sorry."
Those tears spill over again, but he doesn't care. He deserves that sting.
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Date: 2025-07-24 10:58 pm (UTC)It still hurts. He isn't sure how much Rin has parsed out on his own but it's evidently enough for him to feel guilty, which makes Ai internally panic. Ai presses his fingers to the corner of his eye as if again trying to abate the sting.
"Rin-senpai, please." Despite it all, his beckon is to try and get Rin not to self-flagellate. "I get it." Rin wanted to hurt. He had Ai in front of him, and had to work with what he had. It was a low blow, but at least-- Ai isn't sure. At least it wasn't targeted. It wasn't on purpose. Would Rin have said any of it if he knew? Somehow, Ai thinks not. It was a catch 22.
"I'm not you." Quieter, voice betraying him a little with a hitch, "I'm not Nanase-san." He lifts his free hand to thumb away some of the tears pouring from Rin's eyes. Hesitates, but decides quietly, to hell with it all.
"I thought I could show you something different. I thought I could ease the hurt, maybe, just a little, in my own way. I knew it wasn't," and he gets stuck. Right there. I knew it wasn't me you wanted. He can't get the words out so he just tries again, "-- I knew what I was getting into. Yet I still tried... That's on me." The heat behind his eyes is painful; the void in his chest threatens to swallow him whole. So badly he wants to move past this.
"I can only meet you as me." Hell-- against his will, his eyebrows are knitting together, eye brimming. He turns his cheek and holds his free hand's knuckles to his nose and mouth, as if that'll stop the deluge. At the very least, his voice is steady, which is maybe the only saving grace in this entire circumstance, keeping him squarely at pathetic instead of descending fully into shameful. "That's all."
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Date: 2025-07-24 11:16 pm (UTC)"I didn't want you to be you." He hisses, immediately trying to explain himself because--fuck--that comes out wrong. So wrong. It is cruel, and he can't even bear to look to see if Ai flinches under the words.
"I didn't mean it like that! I. I'm just a fucking wreck, okay? You were being so nice, and it felt fucking awful. I don't deserve it."
Rin chokes on the word. Everything feels like it's about to burst.
"I fucking goaded you into it. It's nobody's fault but mine." His fingers twitch, he wants to run. But he forces himself to stay put, even if he is so cowardly that he can't even meet Ai's gaze head on, can't help but burn underneath every compassionate touch Ai dolls onto him.
"You looked at me like--" Rin can't finish, biting his lip. "Even after I fucking threw that at you. You shouldn't be meeting me anywhere. Not like this. Fuck, I'm sorry." All he can think of is the cold way Haru let the sentence linger. The awkward flight back to Japan. It didn't even feel like he was sad, or hurt. Just done. That blankness followed him for so long, guttural. Then Ai comes diving after Rin and Rin was selfish enough to cling to it.
There was no reason to drag Sousuke or Haru into this fucking mess. But he did it. He'd said it all smirking and confidence thick in his words. A cheap shot.
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Date: 2025-07-24 11:41 pm (UTC)It's that feeling again. A heat crawling up his spine, pressurizing in his gut, threatening to spew out of his esophagus and throat and mouth like a pressured geyser finally releasing itself of its steam. The same exact feeling he had before he'd held Rin to his words. The same exact feeling he had before Rin decided to cause a domino effect.
"I don't understand."
His diaphragm rises and falls with the deep inset of his breaths.
"I don't understand!"
Another voice crack, this time not from his deep and resonant sorrow, but from anger. About fifteen minutes too late, but--
"You move with your head screwed so loose your memory leaks out of your ears. Who gets to decide whether you deserve it or not? If someone chooses you, they did it for a reason!" His blunt fingers scrape against the skin of his chest, as if he might claw his heart out and shove it in Rin's face as proof. "You've no idea the impact you have on people. Because you assume the worst about yourself, so you assume the worst about the rest of us too. That isn't fair!"
He sniffs, once - it's a righteous fury, that noise. Indignant in the way he's staring right at Rin now, laid bare. "The only person who gets to decide how I feel is me." Palms pushing away at his eyes; his voice calms down, but his expression is twisted with his stubborn refusal to keep letting Rin get his way. "If I'm angry with you, if I," he can't. The words won't manifest on his tongue. He bites the inside of his lower lip, stubborn tenacity having racked his spine rod straight. "If you 'deserve' it. That's for me to decide. No one else. Not you."
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Date: 2025-07-25 12:06 am (UTC)"Don't fucking start with me."
Their voices crack in tune with the other. But his oozes with a bitter defensiveness. He finally whips around to face Ai. Unlike before, he keeps his hands to himself. He already trashed everything by touching once, he's not keen to make that mistake again. Why won't Ai hate him? Why does he feel like this? Who the fuck looks at someone like Rin, and decides that's what kind of person they want in their life? It's completely hypocritical to what Ai is telling him. But Rin can't shake it.
"Right, because people just wake up wanting to be like this." He spits, his fist shaking at his side. There's some sick, splitting feeling. He has no control here. And he doesn't know how to claw his way back into some semblance of it. Ai's just driving the knife in deeper. And Rin knows it's true.
"I assume the worst because you all fucking leave anyways."
Everything floods back to him. Crashes over him in waves, and Rin snarls the next retort. His head is pounding. Rin was never worth it to Sousuke to tell his big, deep secret. "Because you'll cry." Let alone politely inform Rin he was fucking their teammate. Ai obviously has been holding onto something deeper here, and Rin can't pinpoint why he never said it out loud. Haru... he shoves that thought away as quick as it forms.
Is any of this fixable at this point?
"One day people choose you, and the next--" His mouth slams shut. Haru's name burns in his throat, bile clambering around it. Rin chokes and holds Ai's tear stricken gaze.
"I just wanted to forget." His voice is eerily still. His mouth is drawn into something between a grimace and a sneer. It's all inward reflection at this point. How do you make somebody hate you so much, that they never want to reflect on you again? "What the fuck do you want from me? Psychoanalyzing every goddamn mistake. Newsflash, Nitori. I do that myself." It's a low blow.
Rin doesn't know what else to do. Except push, push, push. All instead of dealing with his own feelings because he doesn't even know how to touch this with a ten foot pole. He swallows, digging his fingernails into his wrist.
"What do you want? For me to admit I'm just some piece of shit who ruined the only good thing he had? Con-fucking-grats. You win. I'm your guy. 'If you' what huh? Wanna tell me why you pulled out? Not good enough to even come in?"
But then Rin shifts, and the words spilling from his mouth don't even carry a direct tone. They're so laced with bitterness and anger and frustration and guilt.
"If you fucking wanted something from me, why'd you wait until I was at my lowest to throw it in my face?" The insinuation on that last part is there. It's clear as day. Why did you never just tell me how you felt? "Or is it easier to watch me fall apart and feel righteous cleaning it all up? Fuck that."
no subject
Date: 2025-07-25 03:09 am (UTC)It wasn't supposed to be like this. None of it was.
"When have I ever left? When?" Ai is so desperate to get through to Rin, he's far past the point of being precious about his feelings anymore. About that which he has obfuscated for so long. But there was more to it than that: so potently, as a visceral need, he feels he has to communicate that the way he's treated Rin historically, the way he's regarded him, tried to be there for him, was not motivated. Never a means to an end, always just a friend looking out for his fellow. In the grand scheme of things, his ardor had very little affect on it all.
"Did I leave when you hit your lows in first year, too? Did I leave when I knew you were chasing Nanase-san? When I didn't make the relay team? Show me when." He furiously wipes at his face. "Show me one instance when I ever left." He knows Rin can't. It's more forward than he might usually be - it's more pushy, it's more selfish in its desire to prove a point to Rin. But Ai feels he has to get through to him somehow.
Hearing his family name makes him stiffen, a wave of deep, tar-like anxiety rolling over his system, thick and unyielding. It hurts, but. He can come to expect this much from Rin; after their conversation just before, understands it to not be personal. He can dress his wounds later; he still has a greater duty here, in service to something greater than what he holds in his chest.
Rin's grotesque comment has Ai shaking his head, lowly, just once. "It wasn't that at all." Despite all of this, despite them flat-out arguing, Ai flushes. "I-- wanted to. But I also understood the context. I thought," pause, breath, "I thought as soon as you were done you'd want to put it behind us. Doing it inside would have only dragged it out."
But Rin just keeps going. It's a deluge. He's throwing knives and trying to see what sticks and Ai knows it, has the metaphoric blood pouring out of his torso to prove it. His bottom lip quivers - pathetic. He sniffs, tries to keep a grip on his composure. And looks away at first, because confronting Rin with the reality of what he's sat on for so long is too large a burden to bear. Ai feels he can't do it, even for Rin's sake. But after a moment's hesitation, sky blue eyes lock on deep, dark crimson, all unmitigated determination and anguish and ardor, all at once. He endures, because he has to.
"But that's exactly it. I didn't want anything from you, Rin-senpai." The name's heavy on his tongue. "Whether or not I was honest, it wouldn't change anything. Not in the way I came to you," His god damn lip going again-- Ai rubs at his mouth with the back of his hand, sets his jaw. No more. Enough. "And not in the way you come to me. We both know that."
He fists his hands in his hair. Hangs his head low.
"But no matter how useless it is, it's living proof there's at least one person on this earth who will stay. You can try all you like, but I'm not going anywhere. I just can't."
A sob rips its way out from his throat.
"Sorry."
no subject
Date: 2025-07-25 03:47 am (UTC)"You're not some fucking saint." His voice cracks, he's running out of argument. Running out of ways to spin this in his favor, but Ai is persistently stubborn. And still right fucking here. His voice turns frantic, Ai looks too much like somebody who cares, and Rin can't stand it.
"Good for you. You fucking stayed." It's a lame ass argument. He's grasping at straws. All he can do is try to tack something more appropriate on. "Watched me make a fool of myself. You were always there. Out of everyone else."
Still. Rin's something more akin to a cornered dog, baring his teeth, lashing and snapping out in some attempts to give himself space.
"Maybe you should have said something when I wanted someone to, ever think of that? Not when I'm losing my mind?" Rin barks out, a sobbing laugh ripping out of him. But then Ai fucking apologizes. Sorry. And Rin wants to scream. He wants to rip his hair out, because that's not at all what he wants.
Why? Why can't people just fucking leave well enough alone? Why is Ai like this?? He's the one apologizing. For all of this, out of all people. Rin chokes out a sob, slamming his fist against the tile wall. The sting is a small relief, the only thing he has in this mess.
"Why? Why do you want to stay??"
no subject
Date: 2025-07-25 03:59 am (UTC)"You never asked." And why would he? Rin always had his sights on someone else. He never had an incentive to know, such was Ai's measure. A sudden confession from his roommate, or his third-best-friend wouldn't have changed a damn thing. Might've only cornered Rin, maybe even made him feel gross. Estranged their relationship, lengthening the miles between them.
Why? Why do you want to stay??
His eyebrows knit for a moment, but then there's a modicum of peace that crosses his countenance - as if for the first time since they started yelling and arguing, he's had a thought of pure clarity. Something so simple it may as well be banal. The sky is blue, the ocean is vast, the birds sing--
"Because I've always admired you."
He finally does smile, watery as it is. "And because you're my friend. It really is as simple as that."
no subject
Date: 2025-07-25 04:26 am (UTC)The words throb in his head. A dull echo pounding alongside the migraine that's already beginning to blossom. Everything else loses touch with reality. His retort at not needing to ask, because they're friends goddamnit and Ai should trust him-
It's deadly silent. Only the water crashing down around them any indication of life. Because suddenly, Rin is 17 again, back to back with his best friend and all he can hear is the hum of a fan and the crack in his voice. "I've always admired you. From the day we met..." And here Ai is. Feeding him the same goddamn line.
The universe hates him. Just a cosmic joke.
His voice is ragged when it finally slips free. "Don't--don't say that." It's frantic. "Jesus christ. You too?? Is that the script everyone's passing around now?" Finally Rin begins to step towards the door, panic fluttering in his gaze. The crocodile tears are back in full force now, all out on display.
"You didn't tell me because you didn't want to burden me? That it, right? Fuck you."
He swipes a hand through his hair, tearing at the seams, fumbling around for his tank top forgotten in the corner. His jaw is clenching so tight, it aches. The silence is too much, too final. Too heavy. Rin sinks his teeth into his lip as he pulls the stained clothing back on with hardly a grimace.
But Rin is taking even a moment of silence as finality right now, and he fumbles for the door. He needs to get out. It's too much. He casts a look at Ai, feeling the blood well from his lip.
"I-- I need to go. I'm sorry." He doesn't comment where, he hasn't gotten that far yet. All he knows is he's a parasite here. This is Ai's home and he's fucking sullied it. Selfishly taken up residency like a goddamn cockroach. Made his neighbor's probably hate him between the books, the fucking and the screaming in the middle of the night. Rin doesn't even care that it's still a fucking monsoon ouside.
Because he's just grabbing his phone, shoving the remainder of his clothes on and veering out the door like he's just been burned. But he's considerate in one thing at least, and doesn't slam the door behind him. He's already caused enough damage for one night. For a lifetime.
no subject
Date: 2025-07-25 06:01 am (UTC)That it, right? Fuck you. It's all he can do to stare. Rin had the right of it this time - nuances be damned. Before he can even open his mouth to try and form words, Rin's already made up his mind. He's moving, picking up his stuff. Ai wonders if the apology is more for Rin or for himself as Rin books it out the door.
It comes in waves. Grief, agony, confusion, regret. Perhaps it's a blessing Rin's taken off, he isn't around to hear the guttural sobbing Ai looses amidst the shower room, water now running cold.
When he finally collects himself enough to exit into the apartment, he isn't sure what to think at seeing that Rin's bag is still there. Relief at first. Despite everything, Ai still wanted this to be the place Rin would return. Even if it meant difficult conversations and new normals. His chest feels so heavy, but this is some amount of reprieve.
The rest is a bit of a blur, his head pounding from the yelling, the tears shed, having been under the water for so long-- he is certain his neighbours are going to issue a noise complaint tomorrow. He cleans up the kitchen, careful not to nick himself on the shattered porcelain. Places the abandoned mug in the sink. Takes off Rin's sheets and lays out a fresh set for him.
He lays down on his bed, on top of the covers. Back turned to the apartment, staring blearily at the curtained window, listening to the harsh batter of the rain against the glass. He wants to make sure Rin is alright, but knows he needs space - Ai isn't foolish enough to run out for him. So he waits. Eyes closed, despite sleep being a long gone conclusion.
no subject
Date: 2025-07-25 10:57 am (UTC)Rin goes to Sousuke's first. Showing up on his doorstep in the middle of a storm, shaking and sobbing for a multitude of reasons. It only makes his friend's eyes widen, as he yanks him inside. It's some small blessing his brother isn't there to see him in such a humiliating state. It's bad enough Sousuke had to see it. His neck marred, soaking wet, barely able to stand from the night's activities and Rin's own inner turmoil. All while sobs continue to spill in half coherent chokes.
It doesn't last more than two days, however.
Because Sousuke doesn't press the first twenty four hours. He makes his bed up for Rin, and just lets him sob himself to sleep. He knows Rin gets nightmares in this weather, but he's not stupid either. And so Rin blankly sleeps for the next ten hours. It's awkward when he awakens, and Sousuke is sitting right there at his desk like he never moved at all. But a few hours later, he finally presses.
"You look like shit."
And something in Rin jolts, and they do what they do best after another day of awkwardly skirting around it. Fight it out, until Rin is storming out. Because he knows Sousuke is right. He's not going to hold back, and he doesn't. There's some panicked confusion in Rin's voice when the accusatory words slip out. The 'why did you never tell me's. And Sousuke stays stoic as he can through that argument. Fuck, did everyone know about how Ai feels except Rin himself?
But then Sousuke just gets this sad smile, and something in Rin is gutted. Because his retort is quiet. "How could someone not feel that way?" And Rin isn't fucking ready for this conversation either, because he knows exactly what that soft smile entails, that miserable glaze hovering over his eyes.
And so Rin leaves Sousuke's in that similar fashion.
His phone has long since died. Not that he wants to look at whoever is texting him anyways. He wants to go home. Rin just wants to curl up against his mom on the couch, but she doesn't even know he's back in the country and trekking all the way home looking like this isn't what a good son does.
So Rin does something he's not necessarily proud of for the next two nights.
But night four, he comes back because there's no running from this forever. He's surprised his key still works, truth be told. The smile on his face is a bitter thing, upon the realization. Maybe it's more self sabotaging than anything as he limps through the genkan, slipping off his shoes as quietly as possible. There's dark bags under his eyes, his jacket pulled up; a miserable shielding of the black and blue coating his neck like a scarf. Intensified from whatever Ai left the other night. Deep and smeared.
He can't even bring himself to look into the apartment at first, too miserable to see what mess might still linger. Just staring blankly down at himself. He has a small bag, some stupid sort of peace offering. An olive branch. It's just one of Ai's favorite drinks. Stupid in the grand scheme of things, but.
no subject
Date: 2025-07-25 02:37 pm (UTC)By day two, he starts worrying. Feels stuck and beside himself. His instinct is to reach out to Sousuke; Ai would have bet Rin had contacted him by now. Haruka was out of the question, which also put Makoto out of the question, and Ai knows both Nagisa and Rei are too far for Rin to consider bunking with, even temporarily. It was triangulation... But if he's there, it's because he's trying to outrun me. If I call, I only make it worse. Never mind touching upon that which he and Sousuke had sought for solace in one another. Ai doesn't think he could ever forgive himself for accidentally putting that on full display to Sousuke now, in the form of a miserable Matsuoka with the bite marks to prove it.
Day three is when he starts sending texts. He wants to trust Rin, and so they aren't panicked - try not to be. Don't beg him either. But on the off chance Rin still had service or didn't outright block him, Ai did what he could to make it evident Rin still had a space.
Are you alright?
There's discounts on gyuudon today.
I think you left your charger.
Please be careful. There's high winds today.
Day four is when the panic manifests. Not only out of human worry for Rin, who is god knows where in Tokyo at the moment, and Ai too afraid to text their only probable mutual friend to know for sure. But for his future; the All Japan was right around the corner. After this entire ordeal, would Rin even be fit to compete? Ai himself had qualified, but was definitely not making any cuts this time around either. A foregone conclusion the moment Rin had dragged him by the collar and kissed him. Ai is a mental wreck at the idea that he might be partially responsible for neglecting Rin the chance to chase his dream fully.
He's gone to work; he's gone to classes; he's swam. Worked out, fed himself, showered. Went on as normally as he could. But every single evening he returns to his apartment, it is as if a bellowing yawn is waiting for an opportunity to swallow him whole.
He is trying - and failing - to go over some study work when he hears the front door unlock. Ai swivels in his chair, line of sight pinning directly across the apartment and on crestfallen red hair. Ai jolts up to his feet, about to run the length of his apartment to Rin-- but pauses. Suddenly is painfully aware of the miles and miles and miles between them. His hand grips the edge of his desk, white-knuckled...
But his eyes are blown wide, glassy with utter relief. Of the maelstrom swirling in his chest, this is the most poignant feeling. His chest rises and falls heavily.
"W--," he begins. Stops. Then commits, "Welcome home."
no subject
Date: 2025-07-25 02:54 pm (UTC)He hates feeling like he's disturbed the very space he dares to occupy, even just by standing.
"I--" Rin falters. He stares at the floor, before forcing himself to move across the small space. It's only to shove the bag into Ai's arms and step back towards the doorway. Like he isn't sure if he belongs here anymore. Home. His stomach lurches. Rin shifts a little, leaning back against the wall near the door. His jacket sticks to his skin, his hair dripping.
Everything looks normal. There's no shattered porcelain, or messed up sheets. Everything looks... normal. Rin swallows around nothing. There's a part of him that just wants to crawl against the futon without another word. But that's the coward's way. And he's been so much of that recently. With everyone. He goes back to grabbing his own wrist, the pressure a nice grounding through this whole mess. He's exhausted. The last time he got any decent rest was at Sousuke's. And before that it was night after night of none through the storms.
His neck aches. His body is stiff. But that fear of occupying space leaks back into him. He's stiff from where he stands. Until finally, Rin tries speaking again.
"...I'm sorry."
no subject
Date: 2025-07-25 03:28 pm (UTC)He watches with that same wide-eyed stare as Rin crosses the space with such speed the floor may as well be made of tacks, shoves a bag in Ai's hand, and then retreats back to the mouth of the studio.
Ai isn't so sure what to do next. What he wants to do differs from when he knows he should do, and both differ from his instinct. He peeks inside the bag - a lemon tea, one of his favourites. The way his chest suddenly feels as if it's about to burst is in and of itself a betrayal, but god damnit, he can't help the way his mouth tries to smile against his cheeks. Not because Rin remembered, or because it's his favourite - but because Rin's trying. It was the little bit Ai needed to feel as if not everything had been lost.
Rather than overthink them both into another argument, Ai decides to lean fully into his intuition. There was nothing to hide anymore - was his rationale. So he takes the lemon tea out of the bag and crosses about half-way over toward Rin, near to his futon. Looks to him with a gentle shake of his head. I forgive you. But if Rin knows Ai, he knows that forgiveness is implicit. I'm sorry, too. Ai swallows down his running thoughts to maintain his composure, eyes flitting over Rin's form to take him in gently.
"It's okay." It's said almost hushed; loud enough to make sure Rin registers, quiet enough that Ai can move past it quickly. He's leaning forward a little then, as if wanting to step closer but not quite having the courage at first. Then, suddenly, decides he's done holding back for Rin's sake; that's half of the reason they've gotten to this point. So he steps closer, just barely in Rin's space, an arm's length away. Ai tries to find his eyes.
"Are you alright?" he doesn't mean emotionally, not that he'd expect Rin to reply as such anyway; he's worried about Rin's condition. Four days is a long time to be a vagabond. "Have you eaten? You're soaking wet..." I missed you. I missed you. I missed you.
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From:mobile is ass so I’m sorry for the ass reply
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