[It's easier to move through the world when he checks his baggage at the door. In a way, it feels unfair. On the other hand, he's able to take his second shower in as many days spent in this room under these circumstances and look down at the tiled floor and not think of the night it all went wrong, so. It's progress.
He rinses off his body and doesn't bother washing his hair. He examines his face in the glaringly bright mirror lights and counts the bags under his eyes, questioning if they've always been that prominent or if the mirror is playing tricks. He habitually ruffles his hair... And remembers their conversation from a few days before leaving for Paris. Ai brushes his hair back down with his fingers.
He's quiet as he enters back into the room, clad in day clothes. For the first few steps as he tries to tip-toe his way back to his bed, he keeps his eyes down, purposefully trying to avoid looking Rin's way. But... Just as he nears his own bed, it becomes impossible. Curiosity - habit - overtakes him, and sky blue eyes cast themselves sidelong to catch Haru - still very dead to the world - and Rin both in his gaze. Rin with a coffee cup pressed to his head. Ai's eyes aren't on him long enough to determine whether or not Rin's looked his way; Ai carefully and quietly slides back on top of his bed, one leg tucked under himself. Habitually takes hold of his phone again.
Sees Rin's text. He smiles, just barely, and resents the almost sweet feeling that blooms in his chest. He looks toward the evidence, the desk with only Haru's half still on it, and then another sideward glance is given Rin's way. Ai hates how he hesitates, words pummeling his frontal lobe but unable to put them down to the screen.
Still he tries, because at some point he will have to find a balance between try harder and he's still my friend,]
How are you feeling?
You look terrible.
[He sends it with a smile. A part of him doesn't want to open the floor, but... After a few seconds,]
[it doesn't matter that ai is texting him back, and there's some temporary swathing of relief seeing him coming out of the bathroom. it just matters that between the persistent pounding in his head and tug of his eyelids, he's happy for the momentary acknowledgement. it's not like this whole situation doesn't suck monumentally for all involved.
a little smirk to himself as he glances over that you look terrible. must really be a pathetic sight for ai to say something like that huh?]
thanks a bunch
[he hopes the tone comes off as teasingly as its intended to be, while he quickly tacks on a thumbs down emoji after the fact. he takes another sip of the coffee, glancing over at haru's bed with a slight feeling of...disdain? confusion? frustration?
he isn't quite sure how to place it. especially when ai's last text comes through and there's an obvious tenseness in the lines of his shoulders. it's foggy but present. dancing, the burn of drink after drink sliding down his throat. there's no denying the fun they had--all of them had, last night. but with a glance back at ai, he can't help but still feel the tug of disappointment. that there was someone missing through the throngs of it all.
but then maybe it's a small blessing too. ai's already caught up in this tangled mess of rooming with the two of them. seeing everything last night might have been too raw and fresh for him. rin's trying this whole consideration thing instead of acting on his feelings and impulse. his thumb brushes over his screen. decidedly, there's no clear cut answer to give. but he settles with the best one he can muster]
it was fun :)
[...was it? seeing haru pull his blanket over his head, remembering being pressed against the door and that stupid comment he couldn't discern. was it teasing like always? meant to rile him up and have him spitting? or something else? rin doesn't know. and it's not important right now anyway. it was probably just the booze. there's no way that--]
run when i'm not half dead?
[he asks it, but for some reason, rin's already bracing himself for the refusal. dimly aware of the inches slowly being added to the distance between them. piece by piece]
[Rin seems... Oddly jovial despite his condition, which Ai isn't sure how to interpret. I should just be glad he isn't sulking, is his first thought. Distance works after all, is his second. I wonder what he and Nanase-san got up to last night, is his third, and is what keeps his eyes glued down onto his screen rather than cast long across the room to Rin.
He reacts to Rin's thumbs down with a thumbs up emoji. Ai knows regardless of subjectively how he feels, it's for the better if he can leave room for Rin to start feeling better, physically and mentally. But the curiosity that plays at the forefront of his mind leads to a damning and dangerous thought of its own: I don't want to go out tonight. Not with them. Especially not when it appears Rin got on just fine without him present the night before. Ai's acutely aware he'd be a burden, and knowing Sousuke would likely be part of the pack too, doesn't want to proliferate this mess beyond the walls of their hotel room.
I'm getting ahead of myself. Besides, this will be normal going forward. It's for the best I get used to it.
He squints when Rin sends-- is that a smiley? Despite himself, Ai looks over to him with a blink and folded eyebrows.
And he, too, watches as Haru pulls the covers over his head. Ai doesn't think he's ever seen the guy so animated, neither last night or right now. They must've really thrown them back, he thinks. Or is it just the natural progress of being in Rin's orbit again? He'd been so unabashed about putting his hands on him-- Ai rubs his hand over his forehead, mussing up his fringe. Stop thinking about things that aren't important!
He pulls his legs up on the bed, bent in front of his chest, phone held closer to his lap than his face. Rin's invitation for a run is sweet, but...]
I just came back from one.
Ah, but I can go a second round.
[Friends jog together all the time. So this much is fine, right? After just a small delay he then tacks on,]
We should ask Nanase-san when he's awake if he wants to come.
[it's stupid that something as simple as an emoji can turn his mood around. it's damn near enough to make him press his screen against his forehead in some stupid, relieving gesture. because over the last twelve hours, things have felt so tense and he was sure ai was going to say no that--
if only they both knew the things that was going through the other's head, unfortunately. it might make all of this a little easier.
but rin tenses a little at ai mentioning haru because. it's not that he wouldn't want haru coming with them. but isn't that just the problem entirely? haru being caught up in all of this because of rin's stupidity and ai brandishing hurt feelings (rightfully so...) from all of it? he chews his bottom lip a little, glancing over his shoulder--]
not touching that guy with a ten foot pole hungover. let alone for a run
[haru hates the shit out of land training as is. running is the bane of his existence away from his precious water. a good excuse as is, so rin can just put some of the awkwardness behind him. he stands up, pressing his fists into the small of his back with a little noise. all while downing the rest of his coffee and tossing the cup in the trash. he ties his hair back, stretching out his arms a bit, before rolling his shoulders and grabbing a few clothes from his (still partially unpacked) bag.
he looks over his shoulder, voicing quietly be right back if ai of course has the capacity to keep staring at his mental nemesis after whatever grandeur display the poor guy was witness to the night before. rin tucks into the bathroom to change and brush his teeth with a grimace while he tosses ai another text]
It'd be rude not to ask... You both seemed pretty far gone last night though. So maybe he won't mind.
[If you're that worried, do something about it. What utter cruelty is it if he's the only one who remembers that in this room? Ai itches at a spot on his cheek just below his beauty mark. Speaking of things he doesn't want to touch with a ten foot pole...
Though he's done his best to try and not minimize Rin's personal space by constantly looking at him even if they are texting together, when Rin gets up off his bed and stretches, Ai almost thinks it looks cat-like in how groggy it is... And how un-cat-like in how gruff and ungraceful it is. Not that Rin's looking his way, but Ai simpers at him all the same. Rin's eager to get to it, it seems. Ai's limbered up, and now a little rested, but he wonders silently if he'll be able to go a full second round...
It's funny, the dichotomy. How heavy his heart feels, but how light and almost normal everything else feels in its mundanity. A sink running; a groggy wakeup call. Was this how Rin felt the first year they met?]
Are you texting from the bathroom?
[He has to stifle his laugh, not wanting to disturb Haruka. Really, Ai does feel bad... Somehow it feels even worse leaving him behind than it does for Ai himself to stay behind. If there were questions to raise, Ai didn't want to raise them. Suspicions, Ai wanted to dodge them. It'd be good luck if he doesn't care at all. Passively, maybe unjustifiably and a little cruelly, Ai suspects without bruises on his neck, he's much less of a threat now.
Right, Rin's text needed a reply--]
Just a protein bar. I saw lots of 'brunch' places in the area, though.
[rin is just thinking that they were a little loud coming in, that's all. and haru was getting way too comfy getting naked in front of their friends ( a habit he seemed to have ditched a while back but comes back full throttle intoxicated apparently!). it doesn't dawn on him that ai might have heard that line. only because rin is trying to shove it so deep into the trenches of his head it can never hope to crawl out. no way that really happened anyway]
would you rather i scream from the bathroom to talk to you???
[well that at least seems like a typical ai answer. one not plagued by whatever this awkward situation is and however badly rin has fucked up their friendship going forward. ugh, baby steps in the right direction. it's all he can do.
his mouth still tasted sour from the booze last night. and now it tastes like fucking mint, and nothing has ever woken him up and sobered him faster. he tries fumbling with his hair, noting the deep bags under his eyes. yeah no, he really did sleep like shit last night. he grimaces, and just settles on keeping it tied back, quickly changing before exiting the bathroom.
he dumps the dirty clothes unceremoniously next to his bed, he'll...designate his pile over here. more distance he can put between him and haru's bed and interactions after all. pulls his phone back out and squints at his messages]
[Objectively, no, they weren't that bad. They stumbled through the front door and Haru seemed a little handsy and maybe his tongue was loose but that was par for the course. The scent of alcohol did not leave, which stands to reason with how much Ai suspects they had. Given the circumstances, they were fine. Can Rin really not remember? Ai can't tell if he's just trying to gauge Ai's opinion, or if he was really so far gone that he has a memory hole.]
You kind of fell through the door.
[And flirted, I think. But Ai sure as shit is not typing that out. Thankfully, Rin's follow-up text to Ai taunting him has Ai biting his bottom lip to keep from laughing; double duty as he presses the side of his palm to his lips. Would that Rin left the bathroom door open, and Ai could have seen him brushing his teeth with one hand, furiously trying to type with the other, foam around his lips...
Rin's hair is tied back, which tells Ai they're really doing this. So much for day clothes; so as not to belabour their departure, Ai keeps on his t-shirt (a plain white, slightly oversized, with dark navy banding on the hems) but opts to toss his joggers back on. Doesn't bother trying to traipse across the room to go into the bathroom to do so; he has it on damn good authority Rin couldn't give less of a shit, so Ai changes on the side of his bed furthest away from the center of the room.
He clips his runner's bag over his chest and toes his shoes on quietly near the door... Looks at his phone. Then to Rin. Then back to his phone to reply,]
[yeah no rin will absolutely not think of that as flirting thanks. and if ai brings it up rin might actually freak. especially if he knows ai saw it. he's already feeling like shit about everything, that would just add to that roaring fire--]
shut up, that asshole pushed me
[not really, but whatever helps you sleep at night bud. he tosses his jacket over his shoulder, squinting for a minute and then tying it around his waist instead. it's not that cold out. it's a little later in the day, so hopefully it's chill and not deathly hot. he tries not to stare at ai while he's changing. it's funny, when you have someone's dick in you or in your mouth, tends to make your gaze instinctively tug towards them. but rin remains as stoic as possible, staring pointedly at the floor.
he squints at his phone as he starts towards the door, a little closer to ai than he means to because. why does that text feel fucking fake? he grits his teeth as he pulls his shoes on and opens the door for ai. there's no thought behind it. except okay yeah there is. a memory from when he first arrived in tokyo all those months ago, held the door open for him and--]
I don't believe you.
[rin huffs when they finally get into the hallway, pulling out his phone to shoot a quick text to haru (not that he'll read it before they get back but) that they were leaving for a while and shoving it back into his pocket and making his way towards the elevator]
No way, I'm buying. Just let me do this, please dude?
[he jams his finger against the button, fixing ai with a heavy, pleading look. why does he feel so bad? he hates feeling like shit over something out of his control]
[When it came from Ai, it had been propriety. Because it had been the first day Rin was back, and because Rin had once been his senior, and it was the right thing to do. Because it was Rin visiting Ai's apartment for the first time-- of course he'd hold the door open and wait. And he might've thought the same about Rin, now, too.
But.
He remembers it, too. Word for word. Remembers the slight film of a drinkable broth still in his mouth, and the way city lights painted over Rin's fair skin, and how light and easy it had all been.
What, you hold the door open for everyone you bring home? Only the ones I really like.
And he knows Rin remembers. And so Ai knows he isn't just being polite, it isn't possible. It's maybe for the best Rin immediately levels him with an accusation the moment they both step out; it saves a bittersweet expression from kissing Ai's countenance, instead overcome with a frown.]
I was! [It's a hushed protest.] I was listening to music and studying time tables for the coming week.
[Does it matter? If Rin had woken him up by accident, it isn't as if Ai would have been upset by it. Rather... Rin pleads for Ai to let him do this much. And Ai doesn't get it, because when ever has ten or twenty bucks been such a big deal between them? It's like he's overcompensating. Ai shrinks under that look. And he doesn't know how to reply; he wants to tell Rin to keep his money a second time. But, if Ai takes his sore glasses off for even two seconds, he can tell Rin's trying to grasp at-- something. Even if he doesn't understand what, he isn't going to mince over something so ultimately vapid... He softly grips the strap of his runner's bag, looking at Rin sidelong.]
Well... Sure. It isn't as if I mind. [His eyebrows knit with his confusion. There's only one thing he can pin it to,] But it isn't as if you owe me anything, senpai.
[For the coffee and things. Assuming it's anything other than that will bring Ai right back to the heel he took to his jaw last night, he thinks, and he isn't so sure he's ready to endure that again just yet. Rin's guilt; what Ai thought he begged of him.]
[...and now rin just feels like even more of a jackass. it's not his fault he assumed something like that after all! how could anybody blame him? ever since they got here, he feels like he's been getting fronted with a cold shoulder.
but then he thinks maybe he's being too pushy, taking things a step too far. it's obvious the way ai shrinks a little bit under his words and rin almost immediately jerks backwards. his mind flits immediately to the one corner it shouldn't. that stupid night where everything shattered. where he shattered everything. and in the days and weeks that followed, he only amplified it really. made things worse. and apparently he's still following suit in that.
but it's a blink and miss it thing. which makes whatever was curdling in rin's chest slowly die down. he watches ai carefully, gripping at his bag, giving him that sidelong look. he's just looking for anything, anything that might indicate he's stepping further and further past the point of no return. he refuses to tarnish things again like that]
...you think I'm doing this because I 'owe you something'?
[his own brows press down as they make their way down the hallway, and rin jabs the elevator button with much more ferocity than was really necessary]
I'm doing it because I want to.
[another jab at the button like that will make it get here faster. rin rubs the back of his neck]
...nevermind. Sorry. Wasn't trying to be an ass. Just tired.
[he backpedals. he doesn't want to fight. not now. not when things were finally starting to seem normal]
[I'm doing it because I want to. It feels cruel, no matter how Ai tries to slice it. Or maybe Rin was just desperate for normalcy? With Haruka's presence, it's possible he feels emboldened, that empty and dark part of him salved over. Ai hasn't seen it yet, not since coming to the hotel, but he's sure he'll see it soon: the bright way Rin smiles when he's around.
It makes sense, like this. He expects me to keep up. If I don't, I'm weak.
I'm useless.
Ai watches Rin jab furiously at the button, rotating his reality around in his head. The more he does the very thing he thinks Rin's asked of him, the more Rin grows irate. A rock and a hard place. Ai's rebuilt himself from nothing before, but this all felt too much too soon; he was only human. And Rin knew that much, right?
But even when he's far away, Rin-senpai would never be mean. Rather... It really is as if he's telling me to hurry up.
Rin apologizes right as the elevator arrives on their floor. Ai looks at him properly, meeting his eyebags and distant expression with an attempt at an apologetic smile he barely has the energy to conjure.]
It's okay. Besides, no matter how you look at it, I've put you in a difficult position. But I promise I'm doing my best, too. [To try harder.
Ai steps into the elevator ahead of Rin.]
Then, next one is on me.
[It's a phantom feeling that overcomes him. A ghost he can't quite shake. The pressure on his shoulders so familiar in its weight; Ai suddenly rubs the side of his neck, fingers dragging down clean, unmarred skin. If he had been just a little stronger, so much would be different.
He presses the button for the ground floor. Thinking like this is no use. Get it together, Aiichirou!]
The exchange rate is pretty unfair, isn't it? We're lucky we get a stipend for these kinds of things.
How the hell are you putting me into a difficult spot?
[rin's voice comes off a little sharper than he intends. but he's tired, this situation is exhausting, ai is running circles around him with whatever the hell funk he's in. not that rin is saying he can't feel that way, but...]
The only place you need to try your best is at the pool. That's where it matters most!
[rin is blissfully unaware of the way ai has misunderstood him, how rin has misunderstood his own verbiage and wording. communication would go a long way with these two, but that can be tricky given the circumstances. the elevator door closes behind him, and by some small miracle it's just the two of them. seems the team had the right idea getting sloshed and sleeping in late. athletes deserve a break every now and again after all.
but ai seems to drop it, and rin doesn't know if that's a diversive tactic or some small blessing in disguise. he bites his lip, watching ai rub his neck. seems they both have their self soothing habits that match the other's. but maybe that's the end of it. maybe rin should stop pushing him so much, let him decide whatever the hell he wants.
and so. rin drops it.
his gaze fixates instead on the down arrow, the floors flashing by as they slowly clamber down the building. but well, he would be a hypocrite if he didn't try too wouldn't he? so rin huffs, and drags his hand away from his hair, shoving it in his pocket]
Exchange rates are ass. You either get ripped off, or feel like you're doing the ripping off.
[He says it quietly, almost frustratedly. The elevator feels like a means of keeping that type of conversation back out in the hall, though. As they ride it lower toward the lobby, Ai reminds himself that these sorts of things really shouldn't matter so much. And in so many words, Rin does, too. His hand falls away from his neck, folded politely in front of his body, and he gives Rin a smile paired with a cant of his head.]
That much is obvious, too. [There's a small spark in his eye, the hint of a hope and light that hasn't been there for a while. Ai still doesn't know where to find his strength for his swimming when the source of it at the moment is so muddied and confused, but he knows he can. This training camp and its arrangement is, in a way, begging for him to figure it all out. His eyes slide off Rin and to the corner of the elevator,] I didn't make it this far just to kick rocks. Once I'm in the water, it'll be easier to focus.
[The elevator dings for the lobby, the door yet unopened. Ai tentatively slides his eyes back to Rin.]
When you frown like that, it's a really bad look, senpai.
[The door opens and Ai again pushes forward ahead of Rin, not bothering to wait or look back. A few of their teammates are in the lobby, but not many, and most still in sleep clothes. Ai exits out the front of the lobby, jogging in place to psyche himself up while waiting for Rin to do the same before they take off.]
[closed off like this, the elevator feels more like a cage. trapped with his bad decisions, trapped with repercussions and the thoughts agonizing and swirling over each and every one. it's like his change of topic did little to dissuade ai. which makes his eyes narrow. because.
i didn't make it this far to kick rocks.
something swells in him. it's a cocktail of pride and disgust. pride at thinking how far ai has come over time. disgust at himself for immediately thinking of that being something he would say all those years ago. ai's tone doesn't carry the same cut, sure. but it's there. all curdled together with that. frowning. it's something he does too much nowadays, isn't it? something he did too much back then, wasn't it?
his fist is tight at his side as ai leaves without another word. and rin is left to stand stupidly there. it would be easy to retreat. let those doors swallow him up, and go right back upstairs into another bad decision. but rin likes to think he's grown up. maybe moved a little past those cruel words haru has hurled at him before. but what if he hasn't? what if he's still just that stupid, selfish person leaving broken things everywhere he goes?
with teeth gritting, he pushes after ai. stubbornly? or is it more to prove everyone around him wrong? he starts his pace the moment he exits the doors, refusing to drop his pace or make it easy. even through the way his body aches, the way he can feel the bags tugging underneath his eyelids, his head throbbing minutely...]
You're one to talk. Smile once in a while.
[rin bites his lip, exhaling as they begin to course up a small hill in the sidewalk, winding up a steep road. right. no easy way out of this. it's always an uphill battle]
What's your problem anyway? It's like we talked last night, and some weird switch clicked in you.
[panting and jogging is probably not the best time to have this conversation but. rin's trying to not leave things unsaid nowadays]
[Ai breaks into a brisk jog right behind Rin. He could probably keep pace, especially since he's limbered up and Rin is hungover, but it's more habit. Since back then, it had always been more common for Ai to be a pace or two behind Rin, no matter how long their route...
You're one to talk. Smile once in a while. Ai doesn't even have the capacity to try and refute that. He's given Rin hollow mirrors, but when was the last time he shared something genuine? This, too, lodges in his head as something he needs to be better at. Rin will have to wait, though; he's taken the opposite turn Ai had earlier that morning out of the building, and their steep incline means Ai is trying to focus more on not overexerting himself on the upward push than he is on trying to think of the right words to say. A rarity for him; usually he didn't really think about what came out of his lips at all.
What's your problem anyway?
Ai's eyes snap up to Rin's back. He almost stumbles where he jogs, front of his foot catching on a cobbled crevice.
It's like we talked last night, and some weird switch clicked in you.
Ai stops.
For a few fleeting moments, he watches Rin's back. Feeling as if he's presently existing in two realities: one where Rin wants him to pull back, and one where Rin is frustrated at him doing so. He remembers the order as clear as day, barked quietly to not stir Haruka in the shower.
I'll stop feeling guilty when you stop giving me a reason to. I'm trying. Well try harder!
If Rin stops, or looks back, he'll see furrowed eyebrows, pulled lips, and a rare flash of anger and betrayal in dull blue eyes. At once, Ai tries to surge forward again; he'd just told himself he can't let these kinds of things hold him back, after all. Even as he comes up to Rin's side, Ai is unabashed in letting his hurt cultivate every single wrinkle on his face.]
I'm doing exactly what you told me to. [His feet pounding into the paved Parisian sidewalks feel leaden.] Even if you hadn't, it's the only responsible course, isn't it?
[Ai minds his countenance, not that it's much better. Instead, he's grimacing down at the floor flying beneath their feet rather than Rin.]
I'm done giving you reasons to feel guilty. I just need time to do it properly.
[rin spits out. he's taken back to being out jogging with sousuke one night. it felt like things were being held back or misconstrued then too. he wouldn't say it led to an argument, but they certainly settled it in the pool and were in a better place because of it. it's not night and there's most certainly some of their teammates their now. you can't settle everything in the water. he tries to tell himself, gnawing at his lip.
not everyone is sousuke or haru, and things don't just magically fix themselves because of some goddamn race.
so they're stuck like this. but rin brought it up, and like hell he's backing down now. he wants his friend back. he selfishly wishes their teacup was still a singular thing, but that's wishful thinking and there's no going back now. so he stops, bracing his hands on his knees. they're near a residence anyway, probably some airbnb. if not nobody's going to hear them anyway. not unless rin starts raising his voice and making a scene. sometimes he's trying adamantly not to do right now]
I said to try harder to occupy space. Y'know! Looking fucking miserable. Shit, what the hell else would I mean?
[you always say cruel things. and rin jerks visibly with the realization. that bit of a bad memory resonating with him. but it woke something up. did ai think--]
...You didn't think I...
[he doesn't know. he doesn't think he wants to know but.
his brows furrow something terrible, and somewhere, he tastes blood. it takes everything in him to not reach out and fist at ai's collar. no, he refuses. he doesn't trust himself to keep the kind of control necessary for such an action. he has to be responsible. so his fists remain clenched on his knees as he pushes himself back up]
[Rin stops, and so Ai does too; Rin stopping so suddenly means Ai's pulled ahead of him, a little. He has to turn around and walk forward to come close enough to warrant the conversation. Desperately yet quietly he pulls air into his lungs, doing so while remaining upright. It's his continued attempts at composure; if he bends even a fraction to the desire to crumble, he knows all of him is going to collapse to ash. On a sidewalk in public in front of Rin, he absolutely can't have that.
Rin's clearly growing angry - frustrated, probably, if Ai had to mark it with something specific. So Ai straightens his spine even further, using every single intake of breath to puff his chest just a bit further. Mocking at being able to handle this conversation--
I said to try harder to--
At once, the air leaves his lungs. His shoulders flinch where one of the stones he'd managed to put into place to build this new wall has been kicked out from underneath the rest. All the anger, the hurt, the betrayal in his eyes, it's gone in a flash. Replaced immediately by a flash of--
Relief. And then worry. And then fear. Because setting the record straight means coming dangerously close to putting words to it.
Ai realizes he's colossally fucked up. This much he has to be honest about. Despite the glassy reflection in his eyes, Ai doesn't wince or look away.]
Asked me to try harder to move on? I did.
[... Only then does he tear his gaze down. No words in Japanese or English could properly convey how much he does not want to be talking about this. Well, there is one way, and it's owed to Rin besides. Ai doesn't have it in him to meet Rin's eyes a second time; he hangs his head low, guilt weighing his shoulders.]
... I wound up making you feel guilty anyway. Rin-senpai, I'm so sorry.
[There's more left unsaid. Ai will take it all to his grave.]
Given everything, it seemed reasonable. When you and Nanase-san came back last night, I thought for sure it was the right thing. It was only when we left the room earlier I wondered if I'd been put up to an impossible task... Nothing seemed to make it better. But I get why now.
I misunderstood you.
[So fundamentally. It is the first time in the entirety of their friendship Ai has gotten Rin so dead wrong. He cares less about the nature of the misunderstanding, and only cares at having misunderstood at all. Knowing he's actually hurt Rin.]
[there's no settling on what the worst part of all of this. whether it's rin own stupidity for not making things more abundantly clear in a moment of passion or ais' tears glossing over. he's crying because of me. again. he thinks, mustering up every sour feeling he's ever had and amplifying it by ten. he wants to cry. but he won't, he can't.
this is his own mess. he has to keep this stoic. he did it for a year, when everyone around him seemed to be crumbling. he held his head high, performed his duties as captain without succumbing to what had twisted around him the year prior. he owes it to ai to keep that same level headedness for once. if only he had done that before? imagine the possibilities and could have beens]
Misunderstandings happen. I...should have been clearer. I'm sorry. For-- [rin swallows it back, no he can't cry he can't] for misunderstanding you.
[he can't fix all the damage he's caused. but he can at least try to atone? make ai feel less small, and more capable of taking up space? rin pushes his bangs out of his face. they haven't even gotten far, and already he feels his limbs numb with exhaustion, his headache making itself known once more]
It's my fault isn't it? Making you feel like...an impossible task.
[rin tears his own gaze away in turn, his nails digging into his palms. it's his only reprieve, the only thing that keeps him from completely disassociating out of this whole conversation]
I'm fine.
[he manages to bite out, scrubbing at his face before any tears have the opportunity to manifest and put him into a more pathetic looking state. he already shoulders enough guilt. he doesn't need to make ai think he's made him cry and intensify that more]
Look I don't know what you think happened between me and Haru but... [rin doesn't finish that sentence. it's not right to twist the knife in the fresh wound] But I just know we're a team. And I'm sorry for ever dampening that feeling.
[Ai listens, intently. With more grace to spare than he could ever hold for himself. Getting stuck in his own head is exactly why he had misunderstood Rin in the first place; Ai knows he has to try extra hard now not to let it happen a second time. That starts with him doing the very thing Rin had actually asked of him.
For making you feel like... An impossible task. Ai shakes his head. He's the first to lift his head, level his gaze back on Rin. It kills him to see Rin edging on the same precipice Ai is. I've been such an idiot.]
I was trying to pull away... You were trying to pull me in, I think. Right? But if I hadn't gotten lost in my own head, it would have been fine. So that's on me.
[Ai doesn't sound like he's trying to claim more guilt than necessary; if he looks at things judiciously, as best as he can, he knows that much is his fault, too. It isn't trying to spare Rin his feelings; it's Ai trying to take accountability.
Ai searches Rin's eyes, his own flitting quickly back and forth as he tries to take in the measure of Rin's countenance. Trying to gauge where his head is at. Ai catches this; recognizes this is exactly how they got here. So even though his body aches and his eyes sting and he feels bad he keeps cornering Rin into these conversations, Ai does them both the favour of just laying it out plain.]
I know we're a team. We've all fought hard to get here.
[His hands ball at his sides. Ai's eyebrows furrow.]
... I guess, maybe, Nanase-san isn't as quiet as he thinks he is. [If you're that worried, do something about it. Ai can't force a smile, he's done that too many times that morning. But Rin can at least probably see the sincerity in his eyes as he continues,] Not that it should matter regardless. It isn't my business.
[I've already done my part. Ai stands by the decision he made back at All-Japan. Even now.
Ai grips his arm, crossed over his front.]
And because he's my teammate, I want to do right by him too.
It doesn't matter. [tone, tone. he tries to keep that in mind, clearing his throat a little] There's no point in tossing around blame. We both screwed up.
[rin wants to take all the blame for himself. ai wants to do the same. they won't get anywhere like that. so he just tries to come to neutral ground. it's the only way they can move forward. rin can't promise to not internalize this blame but he can try. he watches ai's body takes on a similar mannerism to his own.
so rin tries to drop the act, tries to let his fists unclench. it doesn't work great. but at least the effort is there. he tries to suck in a breath, even himself]
Damn right we're a team. This is your dream right?
[rin raises a hand to squeeze his shoulder. a heavy reminder]
Don't screw this up. We haven't had our relay yet.
[that's always been ai's dream, right? their dream team. they can have it again on an international stage. if rin just stops fucking messing this up. he tries not to rise to the comment about haru, even if it's evident his face is absolutely burning at the comment. there's a few things that could constitute that comment, and each one is worse than the last. rin rubs the back of his neck, gritting out]
It's your business if you're rooming with us. Not that anything happened.
[...well. it kind of did. he remembers through the blur. them dancing. he remembers haru practically pressed against his back, that fucking comment. rin shakes his head, bringing his hand around to press against his face]
You're doing right by all of us. Believe me, you've done a lot. We wouldn't even be friends again if it wasn't for you.
[...but rin thinks that's a touch cruel, and jerks away from the topic quickly]
Anyway. Dumbass needs to stop stripping in front of you. Not everyone wants to see that shit.
[he lets go of ai's shoulder, letting his hand fall]
[Ai simpers. It's genuine, if a little weak; as one could expect, this conversation has left him completely winded. If he's honest, he has no idea how Rin is the one between the two of them keeping better composure. That, too, makes Ai feel guilty. He isn't used to actually relying on Rin in such a blatant manner. But in this regard, he's letting Rin's determination to not fuck things up beyond repair actually guide himself, too.
Rin squeezes his shoulder, and Ai raises his hand to clasp it on top, squeezing in turn. To show Rin he's received his sentiments. To prove to him Ai isn't scared of him, either. Good will, as much of it as can be packed in such a thing. Ai then after a moment or two lets go, his arm falling back to his side.]
Kirishima-senpai's breast time is still stronger, so I have a ways to go. But... I'm determined to see that sight, too. [To swim with you proudly. Maybe it's just a bit too loaded to say right now, though.
And he knows Rin is trying to navigate this room situation with grace, but. Unfortunately, the more it's talked about plainly, the more it settles in his gut ill. Not because Rin isn't being sensitive-- rather, that part of him that he can't kill. It just keeps getting in the way. He'll do what he does best and turn outward,]
I think you and Nanase-san would have found each other again... But having helped a little, I'm glad.
[Anything else? Ai couldn't even put his thoughts in coherent order to answer that properly if he tried. So he only shakes his head, and somewhat awkwardly scratches the spot just under his beauty mark,]
Ah, no. I don't think so. I could sit here apologizing until I'm blue in the face, but something tells me that isn't productive. [For ruining Rin's morning. For nearly tanking their friendship. For not being strong enough to follow through, anyway. For choosing hope even though it never does them any good. Ai sets his jaw, tamps his feelings down just a little more. If they're exiting this conversation, he wants to do it with grace. Gently he looks upon Rin.]
[maybe hangover rin is able to keep his emotions in check better? or maybe hangover rin is being smart, and not losing his goddamn mind because that would mean an inevitable migraine from the yelling. or maybe rin is just so goddamn tired. tired from the lack of sleep. tired from travek. tired from all of...this. whatever things he's fucked up in. however he's pulled and dragged their relationship and made it incomprehensible from before.
their hands come together for a moment. not like before. not some broken tightening because someone was afraid or angry. but in union. stupid, isn't it? how that was something they had come to trust in for so long as a team. and rin fucked it all up. it's not something that can be so easily repaired either. but at least...any progress is progress. even if only inching towards that goal. but like all things, it too must end and rin pulls his hand away from ai's shoulder when ai lets his hand fall. slipping into something almost self deprecating.
rin just rolls his eyes. but at least ai has the decency to tack on a more reaffirming statement. he's determined too. that's progress. they'll go from there. rin smiles, pushing his hands back into his pockets]
Blow Kirishima out of the water. I think the guy can handle feeling worried about his spot.
[it's. a mean thing to say. but rin and ikuya have a weird relationship so even if he somehow heard him he knew he could take it. he tenses, because when doesn't he when he hears haru's name come out of ai's mouth? but he tries not to let it get to him. that's how they've famously gotten in trouble before, and he just contents himself with a shrug]
Yeah yeah.
[haru's already a weird topic. rin thinks back to his dead ass asleep still, after a night of partying. what a very not haru thing to do. stupid. but it gives rin some time to focus on other things. his own damage. the smile on his face softens, as they divulge into different territory]
[There's a hesitation in Rin's general countenance, though it's paired with a minute relief. And at this juncture, where so much between them is splintered and holding on by a thread, Ai figures he'll take it as a win. This time around, it's his fault; it's frankly impossible not to feel guilty at baseline. Even now, after having reached mutual accord, Ai still thinks the best way forward involves less bumping shoulders and more cutting parts of himself out, but.
It's baby steps. Rin accepted his apology, and seems to be some semblance of normal again. Not irritated; not angry. Not lost. And Ai, for the first time since setting foot in Paris, doesn't entirely feel like throwing himself into the Seine, so.
Maybe it's for the best Rin doesn't have anything else bothering him at the moment he's willing to disclose. Could Ai handle it? The unfortunate truth is he would rise to any problem thrown his way; this is why the two of them worked well as a pair, so he thought. But this threadbare and emotionally volatile, Ai questions even his own constitution. Because there's nothing he could ask me he doesn't know already. All that's left if the world's worst kept secret.
So. Ai looks from Rin, to the sidewalk. And back to Rin. His head tilts with an apologetic smile.]
Well. If something comes up later, we'll handle it like adults. [In theory. It's Ai's attempt at keeping the door open for Rin; lord knows with their rooming arrangement, something else is bound to happen that warrants questions. Now, after all that....]
[it's a otherwise pretty...basic morning/early afternoon. something that the whole team japan, but most of all ai and rin, needed. breakfast didn't end in blowups. jogging ended fine. they came back a few hours later to a disheveled fish man wishing death on the whole world. and rin told him to handle his liquor better and got a pillow to the face.
yep. basic morning.
miyakawa gathers them all together to go over a few things (she might have implied that some people got a little too full of themselves out last night, and to try to remember that we are guests of this country. rin stiffened. her gaze looked rather pointed at natsuya, but who was to say? it definitely seems to sweep over the other three as well--) and they headed towards the aquatics center. rin untenses, and grits his teeth as he hauls up his bag over his shoulder.
it doesn't matter how many natatoriums and aquatic centres you go to. you never stop being wowed by the craftsmanship, the people swimming, the sheer awe of the place. rin tries to stay humble in his life, remembering his dad and that his mom raised him to be a respectful kid. he stares around the place, the lane lines are all perfectly in place. some of the home team is out swimming, practicing exchanges.
rin realizes he's staring too long when ikuya runs into him, and they bristle at each other for a moment. before he trickles after ai with a huff and puff. haru and ikuya can crab at each other over their hangovers for all he cares. unlike some people he can handle his alcohol (a lie) and the after effects (a bigger fucking lie)]
Aiming for anything special today?
[he asks ai, heading towards the locker room and trying to tuck himself into a more secluded corner away from the hustle and bustle. his headache is still there. at least less there than earlier as he opens the locker and zips open his bag]
...since you were the only smart one last night apparently. Bet you'll murder everyone.
[It's swimming in murky waters, but swimming all the same. Ai can't see the way forward, and can barely tell up from down; the sun doesn't quite penetrate his surface, not yet. But he can at least bank on the water being all around him, and can trust that so long as he keeps swimming, and doesn't cave to the desire to sink, that it'll be alright.
What isn't murky at all is the crystal-clear water of the Parisian natatorium, reflecting and bouncing off every single brushed steel beam in the facility. Heavy as his heart is and whipped around as his head is, it's frankly hard not to feel a little excited... So much so in fact he doesn't realize he's lost Rin for a moment, and isn't until Rin's suddenly trickling in beside him that Ai notes they had been separated. He looks back further still, seeing Ikuya and Haruka both... How to say it...
It's like two wet cats...
It's a thought he'll keep to himself, and instead bolster his opinion further that he's glad he didn't go last night. Besides, he wouldn't have a good answer for Rin if he asked why Ai was suddenly laughing; for his own sake, Ai turns his head toward the pool, and hides his curled lips behind his knuckles.
Inside the locker room Ai shakes his head, doing Rin the favour of choosing a locker at the end of the corridor, granting him peace (from noise) and peace (from being corralled.)]
Ah, but Sousuke-senpai stayed back too, didn't he?
[And why would you know that with such confidence, Ai? He shucks off his civilian clothes to get his preferred jammers situated, the very same he'd worn for his Samezuka relays. To Rin's question, Ai pulls out his phone and looks at some team data...]
Well, what doesn't need brushing up? My turn, my extension... [He got what he needed: Ikuya's time trials. Ai turns his phone back off, places it in the locker, and closes it.] I couldn't tell you why, but actually, I wanted to practice free today.
[A return to form? It isn't as if he qualified for such a thing. All the same, if half the team is down for the count, maybe doing something out of the ordinary would be worthwhile... Ai steps out to the mouth of the locker row, waiting for Rin. If Rin's looking, he'll see a cheeky smile - a rare sight these days.]
Your goggle straps are gonna squeeze your poor head, Rin-senpai. Ah, but if you can handle practice the same way you handle your booze, you'll be fine.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2025-11-14 05:28 pm (UTC)He rinses off his body and doesn't bother washing his hair. He examines his face in the glaringly bright mirror lights and counts the bags under his eyes, questioning if they've always been that prominent or if the mirror is playing tricks. He habitually ruffles his hair... And remembers their conversation from a few days before leaving for Paris. Ai brushes his hair back down with his fingers.
He's quiet as he enters back into the room, clad in day clothes. For the first few steps as he tries to tip-toe his way back to his bed, he keeps his eyes down, purposefully trying to avoid looking Rin's way. But... Just as he nears his own bed, it becomes impossible. Curiosity - habit - overtakes him, and sky blue eyes cast themselves sidelong to catch Haru - still very dead to the world - and Rin both in his gaze. Rin with a coffee cup pressed to his head. Ai's eyes aren't on him long enough to determine whether or not Rin's looked his way; Ai carefully and quietly slides back on top of his bed, one leg tucked under himself. Habitually takes hold of his phone again.
Sees Rin's text. He smiles, just barely, and resents the almost sweet feeling that blooms in his chest. He looks toward the evidence, the desk with only Haru's half still on it, and then another sideward glance is given Rin's way. Ai hates how he hesitates, words pummeling his frontal lobe but unable to put them down to the screen.
Still he tries, because at some point he will have to find a balance between try harder and he's still my friend,]
How are you feeling?
You look terrible.
[He sends it with a smile. A part of him doesn't want to open the floor, but... After a few seconds,]
How was last night?
no subject
Date: 2025-11-18 05:14 pm (UTC)a little smirk to himself as he glances over that you look terrible. must really be a pathetic sight for ai to say something like that huh?]
thanks a bunch
[he hopes the tone comes off as teasingly as its intended to be, while he quickly tacks on a thumbs down emoji after the fact. he takes another sip of the coffee, glancing over at haru's bed with a slight feeling of...disdain? confusion? frustration?
he isn't quite sure how to place it. especially when ai's last text comes through and there's an obvious tenseness in the lines of his shoulders. it's foggy but present. dancing, the burn of drink after drink sliding down his throat. there's no denying the fun they had--all of them had, last night. but with a glance back at ai, he can't help but still feel the tug of disappointment. that there was someone missing through the throngs of it all.
but then maybe it's a small blessing too. ai's already caught up in this tangled mess of rooming with the two of them. seeing everything last night might have been too raw and fresh for him. rin's trying this whole consideration thing instead of acting on his feelings and impulse. his thumb brushes over his screen. decidedly, there's no clear cut answer to give. but he settles with the best one he can muster]
it was fun :)
[...was it? seeing haru pull his blanket over his head, remembering being pressed against the door and that stupid comment he couldn't discern. was it teasing like always? meant to rile him up and have him spitting? or something else? rin doesn't know. and it's not important right now anyway. it was probably just the booze. there's no way that--]
run when i'm not half dead?
[he asks it, but for some reason, rin's already bracing himself for the refusal. dimly aware of the inches slowly being added to the distance between them. piece by piece]
no subject
Date: 2025-11-18 05:36 pm (UTC)He reacts to Rin's thumbs down with a thumbs up emoji. Ai knows regardless of subjectively how he feels, it's for the better if he can leave room for Rin to start feeling better, physically and mentally. But the curiosity that plays at the forefront of his mind leads to a damning and dangerous thought of its own: I don't want to go out tonight. Not with them. Especially not when it appears Rin got on just fine without him present the night before. Ai's acutely aware he'd be a burden, and knowing Sousuke would likely be part of the pack too, doesn't want to proliferate this mess beyond the walls of their hotel room.
I'm getting ahead of myself. Besides, this will be normal going forward. It's for the best I get used to it.
He squints when Rin sends-- is that a smiley? Despite himself, Ai looks over to him with a blink and folded eyebrows.
And he, too, watches as Haru pulls the covers over his head. Ai doesn't think he's ever seen the guy so animated, neither last night or right now. They must've really thrown them back, he thinks. Or is it just the natural progress of being in Rin's orbit again? He'd been so unabashed about putting his hands on him-- Ai rubs his hand over his forehead, mussing up his fringe. Stop thinking about things that aren't important!
He pulls his legs up on the bed, bent in front of his chest, phone held closer to his lap than his face. Rin's invitation for a run is sweet, but...]
I just came back from one.
Ah, but I can go a second round.
[Friends jog together all the time. So this much is fine, right? After just a small delay he then tacks on,]
We should ask Nanase-san when he's awake if he wants to come.
no subject
Date: 2025-11-23 03:44 am (UTC)if only they both knew the things that was going through the other's head, unfortunately. it might make all of this a little easier.
but rin tenses a little at ai mentioning haru because. it's not that he wouldn't want haru coming with them. but isn't that just the problem entirely? haru being caught up in all of this because of rin's stupidity and ai brandishing hurt feelings (rightfully so...) from all of it? he chews his bottom lip a little, glancing over his shoulder--]
not touching that guy with a ten foot pole hungover. let alone for a run
[haru hates the shit out of land training as is. running is the bane of his existence away from his precious water. a good excuse as is, so rin can just put some of the awkwardness behind him. he stands up, pressing his fists into the small of his back with a little noise. all while downing the rest of his coffee and tossing the cup in the trash. he ties his hair back, stretching out his arms a bit, before rolling his shoulders and grabbing a few clothes from his (still partially unpacked) bag.
he looks over his shoulder, voicing quietly be right back if ai of course has the capacity to keep staring at his mental nemesis after whatever grandeur display the poor guy was witness to the night before. rin tucks into the bathroom to change and brush his teeth with a grimace while he tosses ai another text]
you eat yet?
no subject
Date: 2025-11-23 03:57 am (UTC)[If you're that worried, do something about it. What utter cruelty is it if he's the only one who remembers that in this room? Ai itches at a spot on his cheek just below his beauty mark. Speaking of things he doesn't want to touch with a ten foot pole...
Though he's done his best to try and not minimize Rin's personal space by constantly looking at him even if they are texting together, when Rin gets up off his bed and stretches, Ai almost thinks it looks cat-like in how groggy it is... And how un-cat-like in how gruff and ungraceful it is. Not that Rin's looking his way, but Ai simpers at him all the same. Rin's eager to get to it, it seems. Ai's limbered up, and now a little rested, but he wonders silently if he'll be able to go a full second round...
It's funny, the dichotomy. How heavy his heart feels, but how light and almost normal everything else feels in its mundanity. A sink running; a groggy wakeup call. Was this how Rin felt the first year they met?]
Are you texting from the bathroom?
[He has to stifle his laugh, not wanting to disturb Haruka. Really, Ai does feel bad... Somehow it feels even worse leaving him behind than it does for Ai himself to stay behind. If there were questions to raise, Ai didn't want to raise them. Suspicions, Ai wanted to dodge them. It'd be good luck if he doesn't care at all. Passively, maybe unjustifiably and a little cruelly, Ai suspects without bruises on his neck, he's much less of a threat now.
Right, Rin's text needed a reply--]
Just a protein bar. I saw lots of 'brunch' places in the area, though.
you're doing it again
Date: 2025-11-23 04:22 am (UTC)[rin is just thinking that they were a little loud coming in, that's all. and haru was getting way too comfy getting naked in front of their friends ( a habit he seemed to have ditched a while back but comes back full throttle intoxicated apparently!). it doesn't dawn on him that ai might have heard that line. only because rin is trying to shove it so deep into the trenches of his head it can never hope to crawl out. no way that really happened anyway]
would you rather i scream from the bathroom to talk to you???
[well that at least seems like a typical ai answer. one not plagued by whatever this awkward situation is and however badly rin has fucked up their friendship going forward. ugh, baby steps in the right direction. it's all he can do.
his mouth still tasted sour from the booze last night. and now it tastes like fucking mint, and nothing has ever woken him up and sobered him faster. he tries fumbling with his hair, noting the deep bags under his eyes. yeah no, he really did sleep like shit last night. he grimaces, and just settles on keeping it tied back, quickly changing before exiting the bathroom.
he dumps the dirty clothes unceremoniously next to his bed, he'll...designate his pile over here. more distance he can put between him and haru's bed and interactions after all. pulls his phone back out and squints at his messages]
i'll buy for waking you up last night
YOU LITERALLY FUCKING STARTED IT THIS IS YOUR FAULT YOU ASSHOLE
Date: 2025-11-23 04:36 am (UTC)You kind of fell through the door.
[And flirted, I think. But Ai sure as shit is not typing that out. Thankfully, Rin's follow-up text to Ai taunting him has Ai biting his bottom lip to keep from laughing; double duty as he presses the side of his palm to his lips. Would that Rin left the bathroom door open, and Ai could have seen him brushing his teeth with one hand, furiously trying to type with the other, foam around his lips...
Rin's hair is tied back, which tells Ai they're really doing this. So much for day clothes; so as not to belabour their departure, Ai keeps on his t-shirt (a plain white, slightly oversized, with dark navy banding on the hems) but opts to toss his joggers back on. Doesn't bother trying to traipse across the room to go into the bathroom to do so; he has it on damn good authority Rin couldn't give less of a shit, so Ai changes on the side of his bed furthest away from the center of the room.
He clips his runner's bag over his chest and toes his shoes on quietly near the door... Looks at his phone. Then to Rin. Then back to his phone to reply,]
Ah, you didn't. I was already awake.
So please keep your money!
HAVE SOME FUCKING SELF CONTROL WITH FOOD IN RP BRO blame game isn't cool
Date: 2025-11-23 04:54 am (UTC)shut up, that asshole pushed me
[not really, but whatever helps you sleep at night bud. he tosses his jacket over his shoulder, squinting for a minute and then tying it around his waist instead. it's not that cold out. it's a little later in the day, so hopefully it's chill and not deathly hot. he tries not to stare at ai while he's changing. it's funny, when you have someone's dick in you or in your mouth, tends to make your gaze instinctively tug towards them. but rin remains as stoic as possible, staring pointedly at the floor.
he squints at his phone as he starts towards the door, a little closer to ai than he means to because. why does that text feel fucking fake? he grits his teeth as he pulls his shoes on and opens the door for ai. there's no thought behind it. except okay yeah there is. a memory from when he first arrived in tokyo all those months ago, held the door open for him and--]
I don't believe you.
[rin huffs when they finally get into the hallway, pulling out his phone to shoot a quick text to haru (not that he'll read it before they get back but) that they were leaving for a while and shoving it back into his pocket and making his way towards the elevator]
No way, I'm buying. Just let me do this, please dude?
[he jams his finger against the button, fixing ai with a heavy, pleading look. why does he feel so bad? he hates feeling like shit over something out of his control]
i wanted to 'yes, and' :'(
Date: 2025-11-23 05:12 am (UTC)But.
He remembers it, too. Word for word. Remembers the slight film of a drinkable broth still in his mouth, and the way city lights painted over Rin's fair skin, and how light and easy it had all been.
What, you hold the door open for everyone you bring home?
Only the ones I really like.
And he knows Rin remembers. And so Ai knows he isn't just being polite, it isn't possible. It's maybe for the best Rin immediately levels him with an accusation the moment they both step out; it saves a bittersweet expression from kissing Ai's countenance, instead overcome with a frown.]
I was! [It's a hushed protest.] I was listening to music and studying time tables for the coming week.
[Does it matter? If Rin had woken him up by accident, it isn't as if Ai would have been upset by it. Rather... Rin pleads for Ai to let him do this much. And Ai doesn't get it, because when ever has ten or twenty bucks been such a big deal between them? It's like he's overcompensating. Ai shrinks under that look. And he doesn't know how to reply; he wants to tell Rin to keep his money a second time. But, if Ai takes his sore glasses off for even two seconds, he can tell Rin's trying to grasp at-- something. Even if he doesn't understand what, he isn't going to mince over something so ultimately vapid... He softly grips the strap of his runner's bag, looking at Rin sidelong.]
Well... Sure. It isn't as if I mind. [His eyebrows knit with his confusion. There's only one thing he can pin it to,] But it isn't as if you owe me anything, senpai.
[For the coffee and things. Assuming it's anything other than that will bring Ai right back to the heel he took to his jaw last night, he thinks, and he isn't so sure he's ready to endure that again just yet. Rin's guilt; what Ai thought he begged of him.]
whatever you say
Date: 2025-11-29 06:43 pm (UTC)but then he thinks maybe he's being too pushy, taking things a step too far. it's obvious the way ai shrinks a little bit under his words and rin almost immediately jerks backwards. his mind flits immediately to the one corner it shouldn't. that stupid night where everything shattered. where he shattered everything. and in the days and weeks that followed, he only amplified it really. made things worse. and apparently he's still following suit in that.
but it's a blink and miss it thing. which makes whatever was curdling in rin's chest slowly die down. he watches ai carefully, gripping at his bag, giving him that sidelong look. he's just looking for anything, anything that might indicate he's stepping further and further past the point of no return. he refuses to tarnish things again like that]
...you think I'm doing this because I 'owe you something'?
[his own brows press down as they make their way down the hallway, and rin jabs the elevator button with much more ferocity than was really necessary]
I'm doing it because I want to.
[another jab at the button like that will make it get here faster. rin rubs the back of his neck]
...nevermind. Sorry. Wasn't trying to be an ass. Just tired.
[he backpedals. he doesn't want to fight. not now. not when things were finally starting to seem normal]
no subject
Date: 2025-11-29 07:02 pm (UTC)It makes sense, like this. He expects me to keep up. If I don't, I'm weak.
I'm useless.
Ai watches Rin jab furiously at the button, rotating his reality around in his head. The more he does the very thing he thinks Rin's asked of him, the more Rin grows irate. A rock and a hard place. Ai's rebuilt himself from nothing before, but this all felt too much too soon; he was only human. And Rin knew that much, right?
But even when he's far away, Rin-senpai would never be mean. Rather... It really is as if he's telling me to hurry up.
Rin apologizes right as the elevator arrives on their floor. Ai looks at him properly, meeting his eyebags and distant expression with an attempt at an apologetic smile he barely has the energy to conjure.]
It's okay. Besides, no matter how you look at it, I've put you in a difficult position. But I promise I'm doing my best, too. [To try harder.
Ai steps into the elevator ahead of Rin.]
Then, next one is on me.
[It's a phantom feeling that overcomes him. A ghost he can't quite shake. The pressure on his shoulders so familiar in its weight; Ai suddenly rubs the side of his neck, fingers dragging down clean, unmarred skin. If he had been just a little stronger, so much would be different.
He presses the button for the ground floor. Thinking like this is no use. Get it together, Aiichirou!]
The exchange rate is pretty unfair, isn't it? We're lucky we get a stipend for these kinds of things.
no subject
Date: 2025-12-01 09:14 pm (UTC)[rin's voice comes off a little sharper than he intends. but he's tired, this situation is exhausting, ai is running circles around him with whatever the hell funk he's in. not that rin is saying he can't feel that way, but...]
The only place you need to try your best is at the pool. That's where it matters most!
[rin is blissfully unaware of the way ai has misunderstood him, how rin has misunderstood his own verbiage and wording. communication would go a long way with these two, but that can be tricky given the circumstances. the elevator door closes behind him, and by some small miracle it's just the two of them. seems the team had the right idea getting sloshed and sleeping in late. athletes deserve a break every now and again after all.
but ai seems to drop it, and rin doesn't know if that's a diversive tactic or some small blessing in disguise. he bites his lip, watching ai rub his neck. seems they both have their self soothing habits that match the other's. but maybe that's the end of it. maybe rin should stop pushing him so much, let him decide whatever the hell he wants.
and so. rin drops it.
his gaze fixates instead on the down arrow, the floors flashing by as they slowly clamber down the building. but well, he would be a hypocrite if he didn't try too wouldn't he? so rin huffs, and drags his hand away from his hair, shoving it in his pocket]
Exchange rates are ass. You either get ripped off, or feel like you're doing the ripping off.
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Date: 2025-12-01 09:28 pm (UTC)[He says it quietly, almost frustratedly. The elevator feels like a means of keeping that type of conversation back out in the hall, though. As they ride it lower toward the lobby, Ai reminds himself that these sorts of things really shouldn't matter so much. And in so many words, Rin does, too. His hand falls away from his neck, folded politely in front of his body, and he gives Rin a smile paired with a cant of his head.]
That much is obvious, too. [There's a small spark in his eye, the hint of a hope and light that hasn't been there for a while. Ai still doesn't know where to find his strength for his swimming when the source of it at the moment is so muddied and confused, but he knows he can. This training camp and its arrangement is, in a way, begging for him to figure it all out. His eyes slide off Rin and to the corner of the elevator,] I didn't make it this far just to kick rocks. Once I'm in the water, it'll be easier to focus.
[The elevator dings for the lobby, the door yet unopened. Ai tentatively slides his eyes back to Rin.]
When you frown like that, it's a really bad look, senpai.
[The door opens and Ai again pushes forward ahead of Rin, not bothering to wait or look back. A few of their teammates are in the lobby, but not many, and most still in sleep clothes. Ai exits out the front of the lobby, jogging in place to psyche himself up while waiting for Rin to do the same before they take off.]
I'll follow your route. Let's go!
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Date: 2025-12-02 02:27 am (UTC)i didn't make it this far to kick rocks.
something swells in him. it's a cocktail of pride and disgust. pride at thinking how far ai has come over time. disgust at himself for immediately thinking of that being something he would say all those years ago. ai's tone doesn't carry the same cut, sure. but it's there. all curdled together with that. frowning. it's something he does too much nowadays, isn't it? something he did too much back then, wasn't it?
his fist is tight at his side as ai leaves without another word. and rin is left to stand stupidly there. it would be easy to retreat. let those doors swallow him up, and go right back upstairs into another bad decision. but rin likes to think he's grown up. maybe moved a little past those cruel words haru has hurled at him before. but what if he hasn't? what if he's still just that stupid, selfish person leaving broken things everywhere he goes?
with teeth gritting, he pushes after ai. stubbornly? or is it more to prove everyone around him wrong? he starts his pace the moment he exits the doors, refusing to drop his pace or make it easy. even through the way his body aches, the way he can feel the bags tugging underneath his eyelids, his head throbbing minutely...]
You're one to talk. Smile once in a while.
[rin bites his lip, exhaling as they begin to course up a small hill in the sidewalk, winding up a steep road. right. no easy way out of this. it's always an uphill battle]
What's your problem anyway? It's like we talked last night, and some weird switch clicked in you.
[panting and jogging is probably not the best time to have this conversation but. rin's trying to not leave things unsaid nowadays]
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Date: 2025-12-02 02:52 am (UTC)You're one to talk. Smile once in a while. Ai doesn't even have the capacity to try and refute that. He's given Rin hollow mirrors, but when was the last time he shared something genuine? This, too, lodges in his head as something he needs to be better at. Rin will have to wait, though; he's taken the opposite turn Ai had earlier that morning out of the building, and their steep incline means Ai is trying to focus more on not overexerting himself on the upward push than he is on trying to think of the right words to say. A rarity for him; usually he didn't really think about what came out of his lips at all.
What's your problem anyway?
Ai's eyes snap up to Rin's back. He almost stumbles where he jogs, front of his foot catching on a cobbled crevice.
It's like we talked last night, and some weird switch clicked in you.
Ai stops.
For a few fleeting moments, he watches Rin's back. Feeling as if he's presently existing in two realities: one where Rin wants him to pull back, and one where Rin is frustrated at him doing so. He remembers the order as clear as day, barked quietly to not stir Haruka in the shower.
I'll stop feeling guilty when you stop giving me a reason to.
I'm trying.
Well try harder!
If Rin stops, or looks back, he'll see furrowed eyebrows, pulled lips, and a rare flash of anger and betrayal in dull blue eyes. At once, Ai tries to surge forward again; he'd just told himself he can't let these kinds of things hold him back, after all. Even as he comes up to Rin's side, Ai is unabashed in letting his hurt cultivate every single wrinkle on his face.]
I'm doing exactly what you told me to. [His feet pounding into the paved Parisian sidewalks feel leaden.] Even if you hadn't, it's the only responsible course, isn't it?
[Ai minds his countenance, not that it's much better. Instead, he's grimacing down at the floor flying beneath their feet rather than Rin.]
I'm done giving you reasons to feel guilty. I just need time to do it properly.
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Date: 2025-12-02 03:14 am (UTC)[rin spits out. he's taken back to being out jogging with sousuke one night. it felt like things were being held back or misconstrued then too. he wouldn't say it led to an argument, but they certainly settled it in the pool and were in a better place because of it. it's not night and there's most certainly some of their teammates their now. you can't settle everything in the water. he tries to tell himself, gnawing at his lip.
not everyone is sousuke or haru, and things don't just magically fix themselves because of some goddamn race.
so they're stuck like this. but rin brought it up, and like hell he's backing down now. he wants his friend back. he selfishly wishes their teacup was still a singular thing, but that's wishful thinking and there's no going back now. so he stops, bracing his hands on his knees. they're near a residence anyway, probably some airbnb. if not nobody's going to hear them anyway. not unless rin starts raising his voice and making a scene. sometimes he's trying adamantly not to do right now]
I said to try harder to occupy space. Y'know! Looking fucking miserable. Shit, what the hell else would I mean?
[you always say cruel things. and rin jerks visibly with the realization. that bit of a bad memory resonating with him. but it woke something up. did ai think--]
...You didn't think I...
[he doesn't know. he doesn't think he wants to know but.
his brows furrow something terrible, and somewhere, he tastes blood. it takes everything in him to not reach out and fist at ai's collar. no, he refuses. he doesn't trust himself to keep the kind of control necessary for such an action. he has to be responsible. so his fists remain clenched on his knees as he pushes himself back up]
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Date: 2025-12-02 03:45 am (UTC)Rin's clearly growing angry - frustrated, probably, if Ai had to mark it with something specific. So Ai straightens his spine even further, using every single intake of breath to puff his chest just a bit further. Mocking at being able to handle this conversation--
I said to try harder to--
At once, the air leaves his lungs. His shoulders flinch where one of the stones he'd managed to put into place to build this new wall has been kicked out from underneath the rest. All the anger, the hurt, the betrayal in his eyes, it's gone in a flash. Replaced immediately by a flash of--
Relief. And then worry. And then fear. Because setting the record straight means coming dangerously close to putting words to it.
Ai realizes he's colossally fucked up. This much he has to be honest about. Despite the glassy reflection in his eyes, Ai doesn't wince or look away.]
Asked me to try harder to move on? I did.
[... Only then does he tear his gaze down. No words in Japanese or English could properly convey how much he does not want to be talking about this. Well, there is one way, and it's owed to Rin besides. Ai doesn't have it in him to meet Rin's eyes a second time; he hangs his head low, guilt weighing his shoulders.]
... I wound up making you feel guilty anyway. Rin-senpai, I'm so sorry.
[There's more left unsaid. Ai will take it all to his grave.]
Given everything, it seemed reasonable. When you and Nanase-san came back last night, I thought for sure it was the right thing. It was only when we left the room earlier I wondered if I'd been put up to an impossible task... Nothing seemed to make it better. But I get why now.
I misunderstood you.
[So fundamentally. It is the first time in the entirety of their friendship Ai has gotten Rin so dead wrong. He cares less about the nature of the misunderstanding, and only cares at having misunderstood at all. Knowing he's actually hurt Rin.]
no subject
Date: 2025-12-02 04:00 am (UTC)this is his own mess. he has to keep this stoic. he did it for a year, when everyone around him seemed to be crumbling. he held his head high, performed his duties as captain without succumbing to what had twisted around him the year prior. he owes it to ai to keep that same level headedness for once. if only he had done that before? imagine the possibilities and could have beens]
Misunderstandings happen. I...should have been clearer. I'm sorry. For-- [rin swallows it back, no he can't cry he can't] for misunderstanding you.
[he can't fix all the damage he's caused. but he can at least try to atone? make ai feel less small, and more capable of taking up space? rin pushes his bangs out of his face. they haven't even gotten far, and already he feels his limbs numb with exhaustion, his headache making itself known once more]
It's my fault isn't it? Making you feel like...an impossible task.
[rin tears his own gaze away in turn, his nails digging into his palms. it's his only reprieve, the only thing that keeps him from completely disassociating out of this whole conversation]
I'm fine.
[he manages to bite out, scrubbing at his face before any tears have the opportunity to manifest and put him into a more pathetic looking state. he already shoulders enough guilt. he doesn't need to make ai think he's made him cry and intensify that more]
Look I don't know what you think happened between me and Haru but... [rin doesn't finish that sentence. it's not right to twist the knife in the fresh wound] But I just know we're a team. And I'm sorry for ever dampening that feeling.
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Date: 2025-12-02 04:16 am (UTC)For making you feel like... An impossible task. Ai shakes his head. He's the first to lift his head, level his gaze back on Rin. It kills him to see Rin edging on the same precipice Ai is. I've been such an idiot.]
I was trying to pull away... You were trying to pull me in, I think. Right? But if I hadn't gotten lost in my own head, it would have been fine. So that's on me.
[Ai doesn't sound like he's trying to claim more guilt than necessary; if he looks at things judiciously, as best as he can, he knows that much is his fault, too. It isn't trying to spare Rin his feelings; it's Ai trying to take accountability.
Ai searches Rin's eyes, his own flitting quickly back and forth as he tries to take in the measure of Rin's countenance. Trying to gauge where his head is at. Ai catches this; recognizes this is exactly how they got here. So even though his body aches and his eyes sting and he feels bad he keeps cornering Rin into these conversations, Ai does them both the favour of just laying it out plain.]
I know we're a team. We've all fought hard to get here.
[His hands ball at his sides. Ai's eyebrows furrow.]
... I guess, maybe, Nanase-san isn't as quiet as he thinks he is. [If you're that worried, do something about it. Ai can't force a smile, he's done that too many times that morning. But Rin can at least probably see the sincerity in his eyes as he continues,] Not that it should matter regardless. It isn't my business.
[I've already done my part. Ai stands by the decision he made back at All-Japan. Even now.
Ai grips his arm, crossed over his front.]
And because he's my teammate, I want to do right by him too.
no subject
Date: 2025-12-02 04:53 am (UTC)[rin wants to take all the blame for himself. ai wants to do the same. they won't get anywhere like that. so he just tries to come to neutral ground. it's the only way they can move forward. rin can't promise to not internalize this blame but he can try. he watches ai's body takes on a similar mannerism to his own.
so rin tries to drop the act, tries to let his fists unclench. it doesn't work great. but at least the effort is there. he tries to suck in a breath, even himself]
Damn right we're a team. This is your dream right?
[rin raises a hand to squeeze his shoulder. a heavy reminder]
Don't screw this up. We haven't had our relay yet.
[that's always been ai's dream, right? their dream team. they can have it again on an international stage. if rin just stops fucking messing this up. he tries not to rise to the comment about haru, even if it's evident his face is absolutely burning at the comment. there's a few things that could constitute that comment, and each one is worse than the last. rin rubs the back of his neck, gritting out]
It's your business if you're rooming with us. Not that anything happened.
[...well. it kind of did. he remembers through the blur. them dancing. he remembers haru practically pressed against his back, that fucking comment. rin shakes his head, bringing his hand around to press against his face]
You're doing right by all of us. Believe me, you've done a lot. We wouldn't even be friends again if it wasn't for you.
[...but rin thinks that's a touch cruel, and jerks away from the topic quickly]
Anyway. Dumbass needs to stop stripping in front of you. Not everyone wants to see that shit.
[he lets go of ai's shoulder, letting his hand fall]
...anything else?
[that you need to get out in the open?]
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Date: 2025-12-02 05:08 am (UTC)Rin squeezes his shoulder, and Ai raises his hand to clasp it on top, squeezing in turn. To show Rin he's received his sentiments. To prove to him Ai isn't scared of him, either. Good will, as much of it as can be packed in such a thing. Ai then after a moment or two lets go, his arm falling back to his side.]
Kirishima-senpai's breast time is still stronger, so I have a ways to go. But... I'm determined to see that sight, too. [To swim with you proudly. Maybe it's just a bit too loaded to say right now, though.
And he knows Rin is trying to navigate this room situation with grace, but. Unfortunately, the more it's talked about plainly, the more it settles in his gut ill. Not because Rin isn't being sensitive-- rather, that part of him that he can't kill. It just keeps getting in the way. He'll do what he does best and turn outward,]
I think you and Nanase-san would have found each other again... But having helped a little, I'm glad.
[Anything else? Ai couldn't even put his thoughts in coherent order to answer that properly if he tried. So he only shakes his head, and somewhat awkwardly scratches the spot just under his beauty mark,]
Ah, no. I don't think so. I could sit here apologizing until I'm blue in the face, but something tells me that isn't productive. [For ruining Rin's morning. For nearly tanking their friendship. For not being strong enough to follow through, anyway. For choosing hope even though it never does them any good. Ai sets his jaw, tamps his feelings down just a little more. If they're exiting this conversation, he wants to do it with grace. Gently he looks upon Rin.]
What about you? [I can handle it.]
no subject
Date: 2025-12-06 02:23 pm (UTC)their hands come together for a moment. not like before. not some broken tightening because someone was afraid or angry. but in union. stupid, isn't it? how that was something they had come to trust in for so long as a team. and rin fucked it all up. it's not something that can be so easily repaired either. but at least...any progress is progress. even if only inching towards that goal. but like all things, it too must end and rin pulls his hand away from ai's shoulder when ai lets his hand fall. slipping into something almost self deprecating.
rin just rolls his eyes. but at least ai has the decency to tack on a more reaffirming statement. he's determined too. that's progress. they'll go from there. rin smiles, pushing his hands back into his pockets]
Blow Kirishima out of the water. I think the guy can handle feeling worried about his spot.
[it's. a mean thing to say. but rin and ikuya have a weird relationship so even if he somehow heard him he knew he could take it. he tenses, because when doesn't he when he hears haru's name come out of ai's mouth? but he tries not to let it get to him. that's how they've famously gotten in trouble before, and he just contents himself with a shrug]
Yeah yeah.
[haru's already a weird topic. rin thinks back to his dead ass asleep still, after a night of partying. what a very not haru thing to do. stupid. but it gives rin some time to focus on other things. his own damage. the smile on his face softens, as they divulge into different territory]
I'm good. Promise.
[...he thinks?]
no subject
Date: 2025-12-06 07:33 pm (UTC)It's baby steps. Rin accepted his apology, and seems to be some semblance of normal again. Not irritated; not angry. Not lost. And Ai, for the first time since setting foot in Paris, doesn't entirely feel like throwing himself into the Seine, so.
Maybe it's for the best Rin doesn't have anything else bothering him at the moment he's willing to disclose. Could Ai handle it? The unfortunate truth is he would rise to any problem thrown his way; this is why the two of them worked well as a pair, so he thought. But this threadbare and emotionally volatile, Ai questions even his own constitution. Because there's nothing he could ask me he doesn't know already. All that's left if the world's worst kept secret.
So. Ai looks from Rin, to the sidewalk. And back to Rin. His head tilts with an apologetic smile.]
Well. If something comes up later, we'll handle it like adults. [In theory. It's Ai's attempt at keeping the door open for Rin; lord knows with their rooming arrangement, something else is bound to happen that warrants questions. Now, after all that....]
Are we still jogging?
no subject
Date: 2025-12-07 03:46 am (UTC)yep. basic morning.
miyakawa gathers them all together to go over a few things (she might have implied that some people got a little too full of themselves out last night, and to try to remember that we are guests of this country. rin stiffened. her gaze looked rather pointed at natsuya, but who was to say? it definitely seems to sweep over the other three as well--) and they headed towards the aquatics center. rin untenses, and grits his teeth as he hauls up his bag over his shoulder.
it doesn't matter how many natatoriums and aquatic centres you go to. you never stop being wowed by the craftsmanship, the people swimming, the sheer awe of the place. rin tries to stay humble in his life, remembering his dad and that his mom raised him to be a respectful kid. he stares around the place, the lane lines are all perfectly in place. some of the home team is out swimming, practicing exchanges.
rin realizes he's staring too long when ikuya runs into him, and they bristle at each other for a moment. before he trickles after ai with a huff and puff. haru and ikuya can crab at each other over their hangovers for all he cares. unlike some people he can handle his alcohol (a lie) and the after effects (a bigger fucking lie)]
Aiming for anything special today?
[he asks ai, heading towards the locker room and trying to tuck himself into a more secluded corner away from the hustle and bustle. his headache is still there. at least less there than earlier as he opens the locker and zips open his bag]
...since you were the only smart one last night apparently. Bet you'll murder everyone.
no subject
Date: 2025-12-07 04:02 am (UTC)What isn't murky at all is the crystal-clear water of the Parisian natatorium, reflecting and bouncing off every single brushed steel beam in the facility. Heavy as his heart is and whipped around as his head is, it's frankly hard not to feel a little excited... So much so in fact he doesn't realize he's lost Rin for a moment, and isn't until Rin's suddenly trickling in beside him that Ai notes they had been separated. He looks back further still, seeing Ikuya and Haruka both... How to say it...
It's like two wet cats...
It's a thought he'll keep to himself, and instead bolster his opinion further that he's glad he didn't go last night. Besides, he wouldn't have a good answer for Rin if he asked why Ai was suddenly laughing; for his own sake, Ai turns his head toward the pool, and hides his curled lips behind his knuckles.
Inside the locker room Ai shakes his head, doing Rin the favour of choosing a locker at the end of the corridor, granting him peace (from noise) and peace (from being corralled.)]
Ah, but Sousuke-senpai stayed back too, didn't he?
[And why would you know that with such confidence, Ai? He shucks off his civilian clothes to get his preferred jammers situated, the very same he'd worn for his Samezuka relays. To Rin's question, Ai pulls out his phone and looks at some team data...]
Well, what doesn't need brushing up? My turn, my extension... [He got what he needed: Ikuya's time trials. Ai turns his phone back off, places it in the locker, and closes it.] I couldn't tell you why, but actually, I wanted to practice free today.
[A return to form? It isn't as if he qualified for such a thing. All the same, if half the team is down for the count, maybe doing something out of the ordinary would be worthwhile... Ai steps out to the mouth of the locker row, waiting for Rin. If Rin's looking, he'll see a cheeky smile - a rare sight these days.]
Your goggle straps are gonna squeeze your poor head, Rin-senpai. Ah, but if you can handle practice the same way you handle your booze, you'll be fine.
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