It's a deluge of complicated emotions to filter through. Ai can only be grateful Rin decided to try and toe the line after Ai finished his one and only heat; had this come earlier in the day, his focus absolutely would have been thrown off.
There's a gentle, appreciative, familiar simper upon his lips when Rin initially reaches out to him, and Ai ducks his head to look into the car to look at Rin properly, interpreting that as a gesture for wait a minute. That wasn't the complicated part. It's what comes out of Rin's mouth next that is so raw in its essence, Ai wishes he could just take it at face value.
It's true, he asked outright for nothing to change. The difference is that now, everything has changed. And before he'd opened his stupid mouth, there was no leading on. No sense of finite rejection; he could keep it all well-contained in a neat little glass cage, equal parts transparent and yet inaccessible to the public. Now it's loaded. Now it hurts. And yet he is only human, and is selfish, and asked something of Rin before he could really understood what that meant, and.
Ai shakes his head, once, and tries very hard to keep his countenance composed. "It's alright, I wouldn't think that." I don't need you to tell me how you feel. His spine straightens just a little, "My only worry would be your friends." Well. One of them. If Ai has to feel those deep blue eyes roving over him one more time, he might genuinely just fork the key over to Rin and hop on the next plane back to Australia with his uncle.
Ahh. It can't be helped.
He leans his body into the car, foot leveraged on the edge of the doorway. Leans over Rin, and. Hesitates. As if he'd just been about to do something, but the moment he got too close, the wind was knocked out of his sails. And so instead Ai swallows, measuring Rin's expression sincerely. And then, as if having suddenly decided on something else, exhales.
"Don't overthink it. You'll just hurt your head." He's pulling out of the car and bounding toward the venue entrance, absolutely using Rin's current injury to his advantage so he didn't have to hear a retort-- but then comes back momentarily to dip his head back in, "I'll be right back!", before taking off again and heading inside.
He wants to reach back out, grab Ai's wrist and retort what do you mean by my friends? Even if there's that faintest inkling, Rin needs some sort of confirmation.
Except Ai quickly closes that distance. To the point where Rin is shrinking back against the seat. There's. Something. Crossing over his features before he retreats just as quickly. Like it never happened at all. Rin blinks after him, but before he can muster up the words for anything, Ai is gone.
And Rin is left alone with his thoughts again.
In all fairness, it's what he had pressed for. Solitude, and Ai was graciously allowing for that to happen. The tears slowly began to stream over and he laughs to himself. The migraine isn't going to be good tonight. But maybe he can relish in the smaller things. That most of them today were happy at least.
But it's harder to stray away from the other intrusives. The ones that knock over his prior accomplishments today. You have two olympic qualifying times, what the fuck is your problem? Another voice worms out and chides But it could have been three. And you tanked in front of your idol. Got your best friend pulled out too. Rin tangles his fingers through his hair, yanking the locks.
It does two things. A little pain to alleviate the pressure and ground him. Equally, it is a little sting that he is in control of. Something he has control over. A shuddering breath follows, as he wipes his face with the back of his hand. Breathe, breathe. He tries. Fails, for the most part. But the effort is at least worth something, right?
Through the sting in his eyes, he pulls his phone out again, immediately texting his family that he's okay. And before he can even send off a second text, his Mom is gently telling him exactly what he knows. Your dad would be so proud. Don't worry about the last one. And Rin chokes back another sob.
How do people make it so easy?
He tries desperately to compose himself, going through his other messages. It's mostly "congrats" or "are you okay???"s to which he just tries to respond to the concern from others. He knows he would feel like shit if he was in their shoes; no updates on friends who tanked. Haru's sticks out, and it does something to him. Something he doesn't know what to do with.
i think we need to talk
Rin closes out of it as quick as he opened it, focusing on answering Ikuya's lightly teasing text instead before shoving his phone back in his jacket.
He sucks in another shuddering breath, holding his arms above his head to allow his lungs to fully expand. It's awkward in the car, but he manages. His fingers drag along the roof, trying to focus on the gently upholstered interior. It feels almost fuzzy beneath his fingertips. He closes his eyes, tries breathing again. Tries to forget that look that crossed Ai's face, thinking he just fucked something else up too.
It dawns on Ai as he walks with mild alacrity toward where he thinks he saw a vending machine area earlier. That even the complicated things had been easier just two weeks ago.
Wouldn't have thought twice about supporting Rin in absolutely any way it'd take. Whether it was reeling him in, giving him a reality check, a confidence boost, a confidant - there was no wall too high to climb in that pursuit. Ai didn't feel threatened. He felt small, but still held within himself a sense of being present despite that. And yet here he is, wondering if some time is too much time away, or if walking Rin to the car had been a good idea at all.
Worried about consequences.
A phenomenon tenacious, stubborn, enduring Aiichirou had never worried about before. He approaches the vending machine and doesn't press a button right away; instead he puts his head to the cool plastic, as if this could somehow help him to untangle his thoughts. Worry for Rin, shame at his selfishness, undue anxiety about other things. In the back of his head, he's aware he should text Sousuke.
He presses the button for water, pays with his phone (and marvels at how Tokyo's IC readers seem so much more advanced than what they had back at Samezuka), and heads back toward the car. All told, Ai is gone for roughly seven, maybe ten minutes.
He stalls at the entrance to the parking lot, and rises to his tip-toes as if he could try and scout out Rin's mood from this purview. Unfortunately, Sousuke's car is too buried in the row for Ai to be able to peek into the glass from here, and so he resolves to potentially being mildly inconvenient. He approaches the side door, giving it a knock to let his presence be known before opening the door gently, and leaning down to peek inside at Rin. Isn't surprised to see the state he's in; Ai meets him with a kind and gentle smile, one he's extremely used to wearing, those pulleys able to shuffle through the stage curtains faster than most.
"When they write your biopic, senpai, the director is going to give this an incredible music score." Yes, he's teasing a little. Yes he knows it might draw heat, but he's gambling on it cutting through the shit too. Rin's tense, Ai's a little tense, Ai knows Rin can sense he's tense-- Ai just wants to do away with all of it. He reaches in to hand Rin his watter bottle, "I think I saw the guys out in the hall." It's an open floor. Do you want to go to them? Do you want me to go to them? Should I relay a message?
One, Rin nearly jumps when Ai comes back to the car, awkwardly pressing his palm flat against the roof while his fingers claw against it.
"Shit, sorry." Maybe he had been able to slip into a more relaxed state too easily. No harm done though, as he nods a silent appreciation and takes the offered water bottle. Two, he snorts because Ai is proving more and more he can actually be funny. Even if he is just trying to cut through all the awkward Rin mudded up between them. He chuckles though, rolling his eyes in response as he takes a sip from the bottle.
"They better spin me almost drowning into some allegory for being gay for Phelps in the lane next to me."
That silence drips down a little, as Rin just focuses on his breathing, drinking water, trying to empty his head for a little bit. But Ai opens the floor, and it makes Rin pause with the bottle against his mouth. What's the best course of action? Crying and wallowing sounds fantastic, but he wouldn't let any of them pull that stunt. So like hell any of them are going to stand by and let it happen either. Rin sighs, pulling the water from his mouth.
"Can't run away from the 'you didn't bother stretching, idiot's for much longer." He pulls his phone out, texting Ikuya that he's good for them to come over. Because he doesn't want to look at Haru's text right now, and he doesn't want to open Sousuke's either because he's already going to get the lecture. Might as well spare himself a few moments longer.
He puts his phone back in his pocket, thumbing the label on the bottle. "Well. Besides that massive fuck up... not too shabby I guess." Rin laughs softly. "Congrats, dude. You worked hard." We all did.
Ai can't help it, he laughs and then bites his lip to abort the sound when Rin jumps in the car like that, having had a perfect outlook for it in his line of sight.
Chuckles again at Rin's joke, and dutifully ignores the voice in his head that has a quip to say about the other lane too, and punches low because he knows it works with Rin, "They didn't need you drowning to spin that." Ai's then looking up and to the side, as if contemplating, "I half-thought about seeking him out, but worried if I brought him over, you might kill me."
Leaning in the entrance of the car door isn't the most comfortable, so Ai is instead leaning against the shell of the car outside. Door still open, so he can hear Rin and Rin can hear him clearly; Ai's just continuing to grant him his privacy. And maybe, subconsciously, neglecting Rin the chance of reading Ai's expressions. Not that it does him any good, besides; every time Rin talks, Ai is leaning down to look into the car. Finds it hard to address him without making that connection, even if it's to his detriment.
"I should have said something," he murmurs gently. "While we were in the warm-up room." Ai had been the one who offered to help him stretch, after all. Instead, Ai got caught up in that small moment of revelry and kidding around. Lost focus. Paid too much priority to something that ultimately won't make a difference. It isn't his fault, he knows it doesn't help to dwell on what ifs, but. Still can't help the way his brain spins; he and Rin have this in common.
Ai can hear quite a few footfalls shuffling in the hallway of the entrance toward the parking lot, and starts to see Rin's group turning the corner. One last time, Ai pokes his head in. His expression is almost nostalgic in the way there is nothing but a pure, ardent adoration creasing his eyes. A welled feeling that no amount of baggage or happenstance can ever dull.
"You were incredible today, Rin-senpai. Even now, it makes my chest burn up."
Ai shifts further down the car, away from the open door, as Ikuya and Haruka follow behind Sousuke in their approach.
Rin is just as quick to blurt out. "Don't you dare." Maybe there is a little heat behind it, but he wants to drive the message home. His fingers tighten around the bottle, a little squeak rising from the warping plastic.
"It's not your fault." He tacks on quickly, muttering as he tilts his gaze towards the back of the seat. He doesn't want any shifted blame, because some of those moments were the best. Seeing Ikuya balk, Ai loosen up, even Sousuke and Haru, stoic as they can be, stifle back laughter? It was worth it. Those are the things that matter right? Rin remembers that fight he had with Haru in the locker room.
"You think I do this for good times? To show off?" "I swim for my friends." And in that moment, as Haru stalked off, Rin sure hadn't felt like much of a friend. That's what swimming is about, right?
"I wouldn't trade the moments I have with you guys for anything..." Rin admits, rubbing the back of his neck. The moment is broken though, as the other three make their way to the car. Rin grabs the oh shit handle, as Sousuke so politely labels it, and leans out of the car a bit, grimacing at the three.
"You see this ass parking job? What kind of guy parks on the lines like that?" To Rin's surprise, he hears Haru.
"Probably the same kind who can't swim straight." Rin can hear Ikuya trying not to laugh. Hell, he's trying not to too. But he loses that fight and sputters out some semblance of one.
"Alright. 1:0 Nanase. You got me good." Rin says quietly.
I wouldn't trade the moments I have with you guys for anything. It's simple, but it's potent. Ai takes that sentence and holds it close to his chest and scribes it into hard memory in his mental locket. Something for later, when he knows things will get difficult again.
"I wouldn't either."
Haruka wastes no time in meeting Rin half-way, Ikuya close behind; Ai looks to Sousuke, silently passing the keys back to him. Sousuke gives him something of a loaded look, but when Ai doesn't return it, decides to drop it.
Sousuke pockets his keys and just barely peeks inside the car to Rin from over Haruka's shoulder.
"You didn't bitch about my parking on the way here." Sousuke smiles, taunt wrought into the upticked skin. He's just glad to see Rin's not stuck in his head.
"You could have probably centered it better if someone wasn't hanging half-way out the door." It's light. It's good. It's digestible. No doubt, Rin needs the communal uplifting right now, and Ai's happy to oblige.
"I swear to christ if you start with the dog jokes--" But Ikuya beats him to it.
"No way. You're prickly like a cat."
There's the familiarity. Rin sullied it, at least temporarily with his tantrum. Not that anyone here but him would blame him, of course. They're all snickering. Sure it's at Rin's disposal, but after they all ganged up on Ikuya earlier and with how Rin was bawling ten minutes ago, it's all fine.
Halfway hanging out the car, keeping himself pulled up with the handle is also helping all the tension melt away. Sousuke takes a step back, looking around the parking garage. It's quiet for a minute, the chuckles tapering and dissipating. He starts shifting in the backseat, so he's not hanging out the door anymore, but Haru knees down in front of the open door, arms folding on the seat. He's just looking at Rin, his chin resting on his arms. Rin swallows at the intensity of those eyes on him. But suddenly there's a hand squeezing over his own. It's Ikuya.
"I'm gonna get going, before Hiyori has an aneurysm." Rin blinks, but squeezes Ikuya's hand back, smiling.
"Good job today, man. Looking forward to being on the same team." Ikuya blinks, lie that's the most genuine thing Rin's ever said to him. He scoffs, a little color on his face as he waves and walks away. Haru's still kneeling in front of the backseat. Rin just sighs, scratching the back of his head.
"Can I help you? I'm not looking for a proposal, thanks--" Haru shrugs.
"Just looking." It's soft. Rin nearly jerks backwards, but he sees Sousuke step away from the car and tap Ai on the shoulder, pointing the other way.
"I need some help finding the bathroom. Come with me?" And Sousuke tosses the keys at Rin before he starts walking away. "Just remember that's a new car."
And Rin nearly spits in response, Haru remaining as stoic as ever.
The moment Haruka crowded toward the door of the car and leaned in, Ai kind of had a feeling anyway. Suddenly feeling as if he's privy to a scene he shouldn't be watching, he turned his cheek, the entrance to the natatorium suddenly the most interesting thing on planet earth.
He would have made up some arbitrary excuse to get the hell out of here himself, but Sousuke beats him to the punch. Ignores the knot in his gut and chooses instead to rely on the tenets he knows to be immovable comforts. Sousuke's intuition, for one.
"I'm surprised you made it back out here without getting turned around," he chimes, already walking back toward the building. And the moment they're out of earshot, with only Sousuke's eyes on him, Ai lets his expression fall. Can't help but look back at the car just one more time before stepping inside.
He says nothing. Just ruffles up his hair, takes a steeled breath, and swallows it all down. "Kirishima-senpai is more animated than I expected." It is absolutely not what is on either of their minds, but it is as if the obvious elephant in the room would threaten rampage if Ai deigned to touch it.
He lets Ai talk. Slowing his strides to match his pace, though he seems just as eager to let the scene play out away from view. He catches that last glance back towards the car, only because he was in sync. So many times over the years.
It's one thing for your friend to stop writing you when he's in a foreign country. It's another for the letter you finally get to have your name haphazardly scribbled over characters that were something else. And when you pour over the letter, understanding creeps in. And it's then, Sousuke knew and resigned to himself that that's how life would be.
It's bittersweet, perhaps. But it's the reality. He shrugs, taking a turn that leads further into the underbelly of the garage. He's terrible with direction, yes, but this is intentional. Ai was the one that said they needed to talk after all. And maybe this time is as appropriate as any.
"You don't have to talk around it." It's not pushy. Just allowing that offer to settle into the echo of the lot. "But you can finally tell me what happened, too. Good a time as any."
Ai half-expected for Sousuke to touch on it now. If Ai's honest, he had thoughts of asking Sousuke to let him spend the night. The morning and afternoon had been too charged, and the high Ai had gotten from his victory was superseded and fogged over by something very distinctly ocean blue. He wishes he could shake it, could be braver, could swallow it all down, but he is exclusively responsible for it. Wonders if Haruka will mention Ai is the one who got him in front of Rin; probably not.
It is not the thing that matters. But it's all so fresh and overwhelming and the thought of being face-to-face with Rin tonight is prematurely devastating him. Sousuke can likely see the recollection play out in real time across Ai's features, a flinch to his expression and a mean grimace, as if fighting something back. And then suddenly, all at once, a calm. A resignation.
Sousuke had time to process this. For Ai, it's new.
"I don't know how much detail is helpful," Ai starts, voice unusually quiet. As if speaking too loud reminds him it happened at all. Regret, embarrassment, shame-- a high, a false hope. Rin's phantom touch manifests against the side of his neck, and Ai slaps his palm there as if trying to kill a bug that is biting at him.
"It's as I said earlier," he finally leads, picking at the hem of his jacket sleeve, "It started with me. It was storming, we were both awake. I said something and he reacted accordingly. I did nothing to stop any of it..." A smile crosses his face, bittersweet and hollow.
"I liked it. Maybe that's the worst part."
Can't even look Sousuke in the eye; Ai has his cheek turned, looking out toward the rows of cars. "We took a shower... I don't know. I guess I saw something he didn't, and flew too close to the sun. I didn't," he pauses. Shakes his head, "I didn't even say anything. He just knew."
"He said nothing and bolted."
Ai nods to himself, eyebrows knit. Still can't look Sousuke in the eye. "I'd like to think he got to your place quickly, but it's hard to know for sure. It was close to four AM when he left."
It's not like Sousuke is one to interrupt to begin with. But he does pause, looking around and deeming it quiet enough of a spot before he leans against the wall. There's barely anybody parked over here anyways. And he listens.
When Ai finally finishes, Sousuke exhales softly, rubbing the back of his neck. "Yeah. That sounds like our Rin." It's spoken so softly, not wanting Ai to take anything he says as possible ramifications.
"You know the dude runs. It's not anything you could have prevented. And you wouldn't be you if you didn't like it, right?" Sousuke laughs, looking at a black suzuki parked somewhere nearby, their reflections evident in the glossy paint job.
"Call me crazy, but I'm a little jealous." He holds up his hands as soon as the words fall out of his mouth. Ai and him had a mutual understanding of what they had back at Samezuka, what they were trying to bury--after all. But still, he feels the need to feign surrender. Like joking about it will be the catalyst for something between the two of them next.
"It's not like you lit the match and set the whole place on fire though. Rin hassome blame, and I doubt you would have gone along with it if it seemed like he didn't want it. But yeah, it was a few hours after that he showed up. Can't imagine him running around in a storm if it wasn't bad."
Sousuke's eyes trail down towards Ai's neck, closing his eyes shortly after. He crosses his arms, tilting his head to the side.
"...I drove him out too though. So I guess I'm no better. So I'll shoulder some of it, if that helps at all."
Ai huffs, that uncertain type of noise half-way stuck between a sigh and a titter. He finally does look at Sousuke, jealousy mentioned. Shares a knowing, if slightly pitiful smile.
"If our circumstances were reversed, I'd feel the same." Sky blue eyes back down on the cement under their feet; Ai, too, leans against the wall just beside Sousuke. Everything in him feels leaden, and he hates it.
His expression solemns, all the crestfallen, resigned shame hanging over his countenance heavily. The last time Sousuke's probably seen him this beaten up over himself may have been the time he nearly tripped over Ai on a Samezuka fire escape.
"I know I didn't. But that's how it feels."
Sousuke mentioning all that had happened after has Ai looking at him from his periphery for a moment, before turning his head to look at him fully. His eyebrows knit in that worried way of his; his hand touches Sousuke's wrist, doing with gesture what Sousuke had just tried to do with words for him.
"He was cagey on the details when I asked." Ai takes in a breath. "What happened?"
It's not a question, just some sad statement that resonates between the both of them. It's been so many years for Ai already, even more for himself. Though as a kid you don't quite understand those things with the same velocity. But as life shapes you, you pick up the little things. And that sudden flood of understanding is more heartbreaking than anything else.
But there's his own shame flooding now. His own sins in all of this mess. He shifts a little, his shoulders hitching as Sousuke frowns. It feels like airing some dirty secret. The one where he wasn't strong enough, when Rin needed him to be.
"Just showed up crying and sopping wet. To be honest... the way he was stumbling around and with how his neck looked, I thought I would have to call the cops on someone." Sousuke laughs softly, rubbing the back of his head. "I just made my bed up for him, and let him sleep. Gave him some space."
Sousuke isn't being fair to himself. The first things out of his mouth were you look like shit and it wasn't fair. To him, or to Rin. So he spares the detail.
"Rin got pissy when I asked him what happened. But he told me that you guys were fighting, and he basically pulled your pants down. He was just mad and tired and needed something." Sousuke pauses, watching Ai permissively, like he's wondering if he's allowed to continue. Before he softly does.
"He was freaking out. Like he did something so unforgivable. So I just shrugged and told him it was fine, wasn't anything you and I hadn't done before. Guess you told him though, because he didn't seem surprised. Just pissed."
Sousuke recoils a little at the memory. The intensifying of voices that made him so grateful his brother wasn't home for a few days. That might have gotten the cops called on them, with how their voices escalated.
"He got mad, and said I should have told him how you felt. He didn't ever want to hurt you. Then, I guess..." This is where it gets hard. Sousuke drags his hand down the back of his neck, solemn wrenching over his features and tone. "...asked him how someone couldn't feel that way about him."
It feels dirty. So dirty. Like he's the worst person in the world for letting something slip through the cracks of vulnerability. Rin was already having a shit time, and Sousuke was so unbelievably selfish. He knew what he was saying, what he was doing in that moment. What did he want? Hard to say.
"That's when he started crying again, and ran. I wasn't gonna make him stay. Dude was unhinged. Not that I blame him. Must be shit to process all that in the span of a few hours." There's a little shake in Sousuke's own voice. Maybe it's some phantom pain, or just the welling of his own guilt. He feels Ai's hand against his wrist. That calming, grounding thing. Something he's relied on too much over the years. So selfish.
"...but. When he didn't come back or answer, I kind of panicked. Texted everyone I could think of. I thought he'd go to Nanase's if I'm being honest. But that just freaked him and Makoto out too." Sousuke laughs again. A self deprecating thing. "Kind of made me feel like shit again. Like I ruffled too many feathers."
Ai meets Sousuke's gaze, imploring him to continue. Knows it's rough stuff to lay out bare; knows neither of them are particularly fond about peeling back the veneer so far, exposing that which they both tend to guard quite closely. And, Ai can guess what comes next.
It's his turn to look guilty. Staring down at his feet. It isn't as if he and Sousuke had rules about sharing details about their encounters - but even at the time, Ai had said it plainly to Rin. That it's in Sousuke's best interests for why Ai wasn't forthright, and likely the same for why Sousuke hadn't been either. Ai reneged on that.
"I'd told him earlier. The day he arrived, actually." Ai closes his eyes and takes another steeling breath. "Not as some-- it wasn't some big confession. It came up naturally in conversation. Of course, I spared him the details... He just looked hurt that I'd hide it from him. I guess by the time he got to you, he'd made his peace with it."
And then Ai listens. And when Sousuke says that, he nearly physically recoils. Shuts his eyes, sucks in his lips, turns his cheek away. Not because he finds what Sousuke had said so profoundly evil or anything - no. It's empathy. It's a visceral reaction to knowing they'd both made the same exact mistake within less than a day of one another.
"You did the thing I couldn't conjure the courage to do. The first day Rin-senpai arrived, I thought of reaching out to Nanase-san and Tachibana-san." And Ai regrets it for several reasons, but prime among them now is, selfishly, if he had just done it, he may have saved himself and Sousuke and Rin a lot of heartache. "He was avoiding them. I could intuit why."
There's a pause then. Before Ai does them both the favour of finally identifying the elephant in the room; he gestures with his head back toward Sousuke's car. Toward Rin and Haruka.
"I ran into Nanase-san earlier. I told him to reach out to Rin-senpai." And the breath he takes in and the sigh he exhales are just so--
Resigned.
"So whatever is going on over there, I suppose you could thank me." He hates the way his eyes suddenly burn; he doesn't push them with his palm, doesn't sniff. Just shakes his head, as if disappointed with himself, and forces a smile. "... Thank you for looking out for me, Sousuke-senpai."
"It's alright. It doesn't bother me. That you guys talked about it." Sousuke admits. It doesn't. Not in the slightest. "You're not anything to be ashamed of, you know. I heard Rin was teasing Kirishima earlier about something you two did. I guess I just kept it to myself thinking I was protecting you."
It's not entirely the truth. He wasn't saving face for Ai in the grand scheme. Things just get awkward at an all boys academy when you say you're sleeping with one of your teammates to blow off the steam you both feel for your captain. From there, it just dissipated into the back of his mind.
Rin was gone. Ai was still there. Ai was in university, and Sousuke was flopping around trying to figure out what the hell to do with his life. Even if he's found it now, there's still infinite possibilities. He didn't think of bringing up a friends with benefit situation with someone he admired for all their tenacity, and diligence in striving for something.
"Do you feel like you did the right thing?" Telling Nanase. Sousuke lets his gaze trail back towards his car. He laughs a little, nudging Ai's knee with his own. "Because it's okay to feel like you didn't. We're all selfish. Just how people are."
Sousuke is speaking from experience, of course. Swallowing down so many things through life. So much of it for Rin Matsuoka, of all people. But maybe that's just what do you when there's a bond that spans so many years, so many lifetimes. It's alright. He has more now. Ai, Makoto. People that do so much for him. He smiles.
"You've looked out for me too, Ai. There's not enough gratitude in the world for me to give."
Ai can't help but laugh, knuckles covering his mouth. The sound is a little bitter, but he knows Sousuke understands, and so doesn't try to filter it.
"I was surprised when he did, to be honest. I assumed he'd want to keep it buried given present company." Ai drops his hand, "Kirishima-senpai still doesn't know. Nanase-san does, though." Ai uncomfortably clears his throat, and stalls before forcing the words out,
"I felt the way he was looking at me... When we bumped into one another, it was the same. I didn't want him to get the wrong impression, so I told him the truth. I'm still not sure what he feels, but it's at least out of my hands now."
And speaking of Haruka. Ai knows what Sousuke means, and the way Ai nearly curls into himself is pathetic. Crosses an arm to hold the opposite one, one leg suddenly hitched up against the wall. A distinct feeling of wishing he could shuck off his skin and start over again. Because he knows to anyone else on planet earth, his reply would seem horrifically deprecating, if not outright fetishistic in its prostrate nature.
"No, I don't feel I did." He swallows to ladle his saliva over the pit growing in his stomach, as if that might cull it, and then turns his head to look at Sousuke, raw determination lining his eyes.
"I know I did."
Blinks away that determination; his hand has to come up and help push some of it off his cheek. And stares back down at the ground, "Because I know you saw the same thing I did. The way Rin-senpai smiled. I never, ever want to get in the way of that. I absolutely won't." He makes a noise, a choked grunt, likely a sob he aborted. Turns ninety degrees away from Sousuke, trying to gather his resolve again. "Even if I'm useless, at least this much I can do. So I did."
"There you go again, trashing your own worth." Sousuke puts his hand on Ai's shoulder, giving a reassuring squeeze. "Like I said. You're not something to be ashamed of. Maybe I should start joking about it too?" He teases.
"Nanase stares at people like a dead fish sometimes. He's not out there thinking he has some claim to Rin or anything. Much as the guy pisses me off sometimes, that's always been more my style." Sousuke shifts, rolling his shoulder and pushing a hand into his pocket. "I told you about that right? Pushing him against a vending machine senior year? Playing the jealous boyfriend role. Not my finest or brightest."
But Nanase didn't ever tell Rin about it. At least, not to Sousuke's knowledge. So maybe he's not the worst guy in the world. Maybe that's why Sousuke shoved him out of the way of Rin's water gun during the festival. That stupid warm memory brings a smile to his face. Maybe that's the last time he's felt like this.
Even through the yawning sadness. He wonders what the two of them are talking about over there. Or maybe he doesn't want to know.
But Ai's determined, emboldened statement makes Sousuke's eyes widen. And man. If that isn't something admirable. Sousuke doesn't know if he could have done something like that. But maybe Ai is right too. Maybe if he had seen the way Rin really could smile, perform--live--he would have done the same exact thing.
"I think you're the stand up guy around here." Sousuke says quietly, looking at Ai through the sting reflected in his own eyes. Something he quickly rubs away with the back of his hand. "Useless maybe in regards to assessing what you mean to people."
Ai stares into middle space, unsure if what he says next is going to make Sousuke laugh or want to throttle him.
"No, you didn't tell me. Well, you kind of did, later that night... ..." Much to his embarrassment, it is perhaps one of their encounters Ai remembers most fondly. He's never seen Sousuke's expression look so dark, and knew it had to do with either Rin or Haruka. It had been one of the earlier ones, too. It was nice to see Sousuke fully present, even if-- um. Incensed.
There is something about seeing Sousuke get choked up that nearly pulls the plug completely on Ai's useless attempt at staying himself; his arm is lifted to his eyes, as if that might stop the deluge. To his credit, he cries quietly, letting it roll through him and then pass over him like a summer storm. He waits until he's sure his voice is steady enough to look back at Sousuke with an expression that miraculously manages to be playfully exasperated and not actually exasperated, red rings around his eyes be damned,
"I get it, jeez!" And to hell with it, they're both messes, and no one around them is there to look; Ai reaches up to press a thumb to Sousuke's strong cheek and jaw, doing him the favour of wiping away some of those tears before they can hit the floor. As for himself, Ai sniffs one last time, "I can't take both you and him--" Rin, he means, "-- saying the same thing."
Oh. Right. Sousuke remembers. Whatever escapes him is a mix of a sputter, and a laugh. High school was tricky. Figuring yourself out, keeping secrets...trying to keep ocean eyes from your best friend, exploring your preferences and bodies.
"Guess I never apologized for that, huh. Sorry you had to skip practice for like a week."
And maybe there's something akin to gratefulness not having to shoulder (hah) something alone. Something so intense it's spun out into whatever dizzying hold it has on you over the years. He doesn't flinch from the fingers brushing near his eye, leaning into it a little instead.
When someone in the world gets you, truly gets you, it can wipe out all the misery.
"Well get used to it, mister Olympian. People are going to be singing praises of you way more than this. Might I suggest jammers or legskins when we get our uniforms? Unless you want everyone checking out your ass on international tv. Not that I'd blame them, but..." He laughs, squeezing Ai's wrist, just keeping it there for a moment.
It's unspoken. It had been in the beginning, too. Rin had always seen Ai; Sousuke saw through him. Understood him fundamentally. Saw him for his misery and his joy, his shame and his drive. Feeling seen in such a visceral way has a way of disarming even the most stalwart of soldiers, and Sousuke had managed to do that in only a number of weeks. By the end of Ai's second year, Sousuke through nothing more than just being present had managed to completely reshape Ai into someone Ai can say he's actually proud of.
Even now, standing amidst the ruins of extremely fresh heartbreak, even just being in Sousuke's vicinity helps tremendously. Ai can only hope the feeling is mutual.
He huffs!
"Next to you and Rin-senpai, I think I'll be fine." Implying the both of them are too bombshell for the attention to be spared. Ai knows his worth, and knows he's pretty, and lithe - but it is his honest opinion his two best friends blow him out of the water. And in it, but.
Sousuke's reassurances wash over him like aloe to a furious burn; just for a moment, he tucks himself a little closer to Sousuke's side, and shifts his hand up to find Sousuke's palm. Laces their fingers and squeezes. Simultaneously reassuring Sousuke that Ai is here for him in perpetuity, and indulging in his comfort. Smooths his thumb over the side of Sousuke's knuckle, and then lets go.
"I have to be." It's his honest answer. It isn't ideal, but he trusts Sousuke not to cast judgment. Ai sucks in a breath, "With all that's happened today, it's barely settled in. I qualified... I don't believe it yet. It'll probably hit me once I'm home. I can't let anything distract from the road that's ahead." He looks up at Sousuke, expression earnest. "Will you be?"
"Chicks like the pretty little dudes nowadays. Rin might get a few eyes with that girly hair, but." Sousuke laughs, meeting the squeeze of Ai's fingers with his own. Maybe it's selfish to squeeze for the length he does, but he lets go as soon as Ai finishes out his soothing ministrations.
"You will be." He pats Ai on the back. "I've never known you to shy away from that sort of thing. Even through end of year exams and all your own shit, you made Samezuka record after Samezuka record."
Sousuke stuffs his hands into his pocket, fingers smoothing over the keys in there, alongside his phone and wallet. He looks back towards where they came from. There's something... unreadable crossing his face. But it's quickly replaced by that soft smile, and a shrug of his shoulders.
"Think they're done over there? Or need a little more time to go through your motions? I won't judge." Sousuke's resigned to this years ago anyways. He knows Ai is a little different. Living with someone, fucking someone, basically handing them over to someone you've deemed better than you must be rough. And he doesn't envy it at all.
"I'd offer to go back to that bar, but maybe we should keep the naked beach shenanigans to a minimum now. Sponsors might not like that."
Ai follows Sousuke's gaze, wears that same unreadable expression. Sousuke has had time to make his peace with it - Ai might not have, but he has spent the better part of four years dutifully keeping it all under wraps. It's what enables him to not completely lose his shit now despite the odds. He may not have experience in heartbreak, but he does in keeping his composure, which is something.
"I'm okay." He looks up to Sousuke, as if to ask, will you be alright?, but figures if Sousuke is asking, then he's already made his moment's peace. A little reluctantly, Ai leans away from Sousuke and off the wall. Pats his cheeks, ruffles his fringe to even it out. Resigns to the fact his eyes are probably still red, but there's not much he can do about that.
Ai begins walking first after taking a slow, deep breath.
"We'll have to get home somehow anyway. Come on, Sousuke-senpai." Looks over his shoulder, smile painfully forced but it's also not for Sousuke's sake either, "Maybe once the dust is settled, I can come over for drinks. No bar required."
"Last I checked, trains and cabs haven't gone out of style."
He pushes off the wall in turn, not notating the way he can see Ai's eyes puffy and red. It's understandable. He kind of hopes Ai and Rin get their shit out of the way. Much as he can sympathize with both of them, Rin's kind of an asshole at the end of the day. But Ai knows what he's fallen for, after all. If what he's heard about their first year together isn't enough to drive Ai away, well.
"You all only call me now because I have a car." It's totally a joke. He's not being serious. Being a pack mule just kind of comes with the territory of being one of the only people in your friend group with a vehicle. Picking up Natsuya's drunk ass constantly, Kisumi crawling into the backseat begging for a ride, finding Haru slumped over after jogging at five am and driving him home...
The moment he saw Rin absolutely tank, he knew it was over.
There wasn't going to be anymore awkward exchanges or toeing around things like they had never happened before. The moment Nitori confessed what had transpired, urging Haru to close that gap that Rin had so haphazardly erected between them, Haru couldn't keep away.
He watches Ai and Sousuke depart, slumping a little at the way Nitori much tried to pretend what was happening in front of him was in fact not. Rin turns around on his stomach, arms crossed, legs bent and tilted up because he wouldn't fit across the backseat otherwise. Haru raises a brow.
"You look like a teenage girl about to gossip." Rin scoffs at the words, and just raps his knuckles against Haru's arm. It's quiet for a moment, the only sounds muffled tires and whispers of people walking to their vehicles in the distance.
"...you don't have to tell me you know." He can visibly watch the lines in Rin's body tense up. Like he's unconsciously trying to shift so Haru can't see his neck. Haru rolls his eyes, and just pinches Rin's wrist. Who hisses (what was Ikuya saying about acting like a cat earlier?) and snatches it back like Haru burned him.
"What are you. What do you mean?" Haru just looks at Rin, before shifting his gaze to the floor mat.
"Nitori told me." Rin looks like he's about to cry. Not exactly what he was aiming for, so Haru clarifies. "It's fine. I'm not upset. I don't know, or care what happened."
He can see Rin try to avoid eye contact, burying his face against his arms instead. Haru doesn't push, he just lets his own head rest on his crossed arms, shifting a little because kneeling is not very comfortable. But Azuma would probably say it's good for him or something. Rin sucks in a little breath, pushing his fingers into his hair.
"Haru..."
"I said it's fine." Haru pauses for a moment. "I was just worried. Yamazaki texted me that you disappeared, and I didn't even know you were back." It's an open ended question. Rin doesn't have to answer anything he doesn't want to. But he can see the gears turning, as Rin tries to put a little effort into explaining.
"Look, it was just messy. You know me, hard to face the music." Rin is quiet for a moment before he continues. "Sorry. For not telling you guys I was back. I didn't want anyone knowing."
Haru nods, like it's fine and the most perfectly normal thing in the world. He's not going to pry and ask Rin why he thought not texting his friends was a good idea when he came home, but he figures Rin had a reason. Haru technically knows the reason, but. He bumps their foreheads together for a moment, and feels Rin inhale sharply. Haru selfishly lets the contact linger for a moment before he pulls away.
"Just don't be a stranger."
Haru slides their fingers together, giving Rin's hand a squeeze. He sees the tears start building in Rin's eyes, like he suddenly can't stand to be looked at. So Haru doesn't, and lets his gaze drift back up towards the ceiling. It's quiet again. Haru thinks he can hear Yamazaki and Nitori coming back, so he squeezes Rin's hand again. Rin sniffs, before he squeezes back and waves towards his friends coming back to the car.
"Took you assholes long enough. I'm fucking tired."
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Date: 2025-08-01 04:43 am (UTC)There's a gentle, appreciative, familiar simper upon his lips when Rin initially reaches out to him, and Ai ducks his head to look into the car to look at Rin properly, interpreting that as a gesture for wait a minute. That wasn't the complicated part. It's what comes out of Rin's mouth next that is so raw in its essence, Ai wishes he could just take it at face value.
It's true, he asked outright for nothing to change. The difference is that now, everything has changed. And before he'd opened his stupid mouth, there was no leading on. No sense of finite rejection; he could keep it all well-contained in a neat little glass cage, equal parts transparent and yet inaccessible to the public. Now it's loaded. Now it hurts. And yet he is only human, and is selfish, and asked something of Rin before he could really understood what that meant, and.
Ai shakes his head, once, and tries very hard to keep his countenance composed. "It's alright, I wouldn't think that." I don't need you to tell me how you feel. His spine straightens just a little, "My only worry would be your friends." Well. One of them. If Ai has to feel those deep blue eyes roving over him one more time, he might genuinely just fork the key over to Rin and hop on the next plane back to Australia with his uncle.
Ahh. It can't be helped.
He leans his body into the car, foot leveraged on the edge of the doorway. Leans over Rin, and. Hesitates. As if he'd just been about to do something, but the moment he got too close, the wind was knocked out of his sails. And so instead Ai swallows, measuring Rin's expression sincerely. And then, as if having suddenly decided on something else, exhales.
"Don't overthink it. You'll just hurt your head." He's pulling out of the car and bounding toward the venue entrance, absolutely using Rin's current injury to his advantage so he didn't have to hear a retort-- but then comes back momentarily to dip his head back in, "I'll be right back!", before taking off again and heading inside.
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Date: 2025-08-01 12:40 pm (UTC)Except Ai quickly closes that distance. To the point where Rin is shrinking back against the seat. There's. Something. Crossing over his features before he retreats just as quickly. Like it never happened at all. Rin blinks after him, but before he can muster up the words for anything, Ai is gone.
And Rin is left alone with his thoughts again.
In all fairness, it's what he had pressed for. Solitude, and Ai was graciously allowing for that to happen. The tears slowly began to stream over and he laughs to himself. The migraine isn't going to be good tonight. But maybe he can relish in the smaller things. That most of them today were happy at least.
But it's harder to stray away from the other intrusives. The ones that knock over his prior accomplishments today. You have two olympic qualifying times, what the fuck is your problem? Another voice worms out and chides But it could have been three. And you tanked in front of your idol. Got your best friend pulled out too. Rin tangles his fingers through his hair, yanking the locks.
It does two things. A little pain to alleviate the pressure and ground him. Equally, it is a little sting that he is in control of. Something he has control over. A shuddering breath follows, as he wipes his face with the back of his hand. Breathe, breathe. He tries. Fails, for the most part. But the effort is at least worth something, right?
Through the sting in his eyes, he pulls his phone out again, immediately texting his family that he's okay. And before he can even send off a second text, his Mom is gently telling him exactly what he knows. Your dad would be so proud. Don't worry about the last one. And Rin chokes back another sob.
How do people make it so easy?
He tries desperately to compose himself, going through his other messages. It's mostly "congrats" or "are you okay???"s to which he just tries to respond to the concern from others. He knows he would feel like shit if he was in their shoes; no updates on friends who tanked. Haru's sticks out, and it does something to him. Something he doesn't know what to do with.
i think we need to talk
Rin closes out of it as quick as he opened it, focusing on answering Ikuya's lightly teasing text instead before shoving his phone back in his jacket.
He sucks in another shuddering breath, holding his arms above his head to allow his lungs to fully expand. It's awkward in the car, but he manages. His fingers drag along the roof, trying to focus on the gently upholstered interior. It feels almost fuzzy beneath his fingertips. He closes his eyes, tries breathing again. Tries to forget that look that crossed Ai's face, thinking he just fucked something else up too.
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Date: 2025-08-01 02:26 pm (UTC)Wouldn't have thought twice about supporting Rin in absolutely any way it'd take. Whether it was reeling him in, giving him a reality check, a confidence boost, a confidant - there was no wall too high to climb in that pursuit. Ai didn't feel threatened. He felt small, but still held within himself a sense of being present despite that. And yet here he is, wondering if some time is too much time away, or if walking Rin to the car had been a good idea at all.
Worried about consequences.
A phenomenon tenacious, stubborn, enduring Aiichirou had never worried about before. He approaches the vending machine and doesn't press a button right away; instead he puts his head to the cool plastic, as if this could somehow help him to untangle his thoughts. Worry for Rin, shame at his selfishness, undue anxiety about other things. In the back of his head, he's aware he should text Sousuke.
He presses the button for water, pays with his phone (and marvels at how Tokyo's IC readers seem so much more advanced than what they had back at Samezuka), and heads back toward the car. All told, Ai is gone for roughly seven, maybe ten minutes.
He stalls at the entrance to the parking lot, and rises to his tip-toes as if he could try and scout out Rin's mood from this purview. Unfortunately, Sousuke's car is too buried in the row for Ai to be able to peek into the glass from here, and so he resolves to potentially being mildly inconvenient. He approaches the side door, giving it a knock to let his presence be known before opening the door gently, and leaning down to peek inside at Rin. Isn't surprised to see the state he's in; Ai meets him with a kind and gentle smile, one he's extremely used to wearing, those pulleys able to shuffle through the stage curtains faster than most.
"When they write your biopic, senpai, the director is going to give this an incredible music score." Yes, he's teasing a little. Yes he knows it might draw heat, but he's gambling on it cutting through the shit too. Rin's tense, Ai's a little tense, Ai knows Rin can sense he's tense-- Ai just wants to do away with all of it. He reaches in to hand Rin his watter bottle, "I think I saw the guys out in the hall." It's an open floor. Do you want to go to them? Do you want me to go to them? Should I relay a message?
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Date: 2025-08-01 03:20 pm (UTC)One, Rin nearly jumps when Ai comes back to the car, awkwardly pressing his palm flat against the roof while his fingers claw against it.
"Shit, sorry." Maybe he had been able to slip into a more relaxed state too easily. No harm done though, as he nods a silent appreciation and takes the offered water bottle. Two, he snorts because Ai is proving more and more he can actually be funny. Even if he is just trying to cut through all the awkward Rin mudded up between them. He chuckles though, rolling his eyes in response as he takes a sip from the bottle.
"They better spin me almost drowning into some allegory for being gay for Phelps in the lane next to me."
That silence drips down a little, as Rin just focuses on his breathing, drinking water, trying to empty his head for a little bit. But Ai opens the floor, and it makes Rin pause with the bottle against his mouth. What's the best course of action? Crying and wallowing sounds fantastic, but he wouldn't let any of them pull that stunt. So like hell any of them are going to stand by and let it happen either. Rin sighs, pulling the water from his mouth.
"Can't run away from the 'you didn't bother stretching, idiot's for much longer." He pulls his phone out, texting Ikuya that he's good for them to come over. Because he doesn't want to look at Haru's text right now, and he doesn't want to open Sousuke's either because he's already going to get the lecture. Might as well spare himself a few moments longer.
He puts his phone back in his pocket, thumbing the label on the bottle. "Well. Besides that massive fuck up... not too shabby I guess." Rin laughs softly. "Congrats, dude. You worked hard." We all did.
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Date: 2025-08-01 03:33 pm (UTC)Chuckles again at Rin's joke, and dutifully ignores the voice in his head that has a quip to say about the other lane too, and punches low because he knows it works with Rin, "They didn't need you drowning to spin that." Ai's then looking up and to the side, as if contemplating, "I half-thought about seeking him out, but worried if I brought him over, you might kill me."
Leaning in the entrance of the car door isn't the most comfortable, so Ai is instead leaning against the shell of the car outside. Door still open, so he can hear Rin and Rin can hear him clearly; Ai's just continuing to grant him his privacy. And maybe, subconsciously, neglecting Rin the chance of reading Ai's expressions. Not that it does him any good, besides; every time Rin talks, Ai is leaning down to look into the car. Finds it hard to address him without making that connection, even if it's to his detriment.
"I should have said something," he murmurs gently. "While we were in the warm-up room." Ai had been the one who offered to help him stretch, after all. Instead, Ai got caught up in that small moment of revelry and kidding around. Lost focus. Paid too much priority to something that ultimately won't make a difference. It isn't his fault, he knows it doesn't help to dwell on what ifs, but. Still can't help the way his brain spins; he and Rin have this in common.
Ai can hear quite a few footfalls shuffling in the hallway of the entrance toward the parking lot, and starts to see Rin's group turning the corner. One last time, Ai pokes his head in. His expression is almost nostalgic in the way there is nothing but a pure, ardent adoration creasing his eyes. A welled feeling that no amount of baggage or happenstance can ever dull.
"You were incredible today, Rin-senpai. Even now, it makes my chest burn up."
Ai shifts further down the car, away from the open door, as Ikuya and Haruka follow behind Sousuke in their approach.
no subject
Date: 2025-08-01 05:18 pm (UTC)"It's not your fault." He tacks on quickly, muttering as he tilts his gaze towards the back of the seat. He doesn't want any shifted blame, because some of those moments were the best. Seeing Ikuya balk, Ai loosen up, even Sousuke and Haru, stoic as they can be, stifle back laughter? It was worth it. Those are the things that matter right? Rin remembers that fight he had with Haru in the locker room.
"You think I do this for good times? To show off?" "I swim for my friends." And in that moment, as Haru stalked off, Rin sure hadn't felt like much of a friend. That's what swimming is about, right?
"I wouldn't trade the moments I have with you guys for anything..." Rin admits, rubbing the back of his neck. The moment is broken though, as the other three make their way to the car. Rin grabs the oh shit handle, as Sousuke so politely labels it, and leans out of the car a bit, grimacing at the three.
"You see this ass parking job? What kind of guy parks on the lines like that?" To Rin's surprise, he hears Haru.
"Probably the same kind who can't swim straight." Rin can hear Ikuya trying not to laugh. Hell, he's trying not to too. But he loses that fight and sputters out some semblance of one.
"Alright. 1:0 Nanase. You got me good." Rin says quietly.
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Date: 2025-08-01 05:32 pm (UTC)"I wouldn't either."
Haruka wastes no time in meeting Rin half-way, Ikuya close behind; Ai looks to Sousuke, silently passing the keys back to him. Sousuke gives him something of a loaded look, but when Ai doesn't return it, decides to drop it.
Sousuke pockets his keys and just barely peeks inside the car to Rin from over Haruka's shoulder.
"You didn't bitch about my parking on the way here." Sousuke smiles, taunt wrought into the upticked skin. He's just glad to see Rin's not stuck in his head.
"You could have probably centered it better if someone wasn't hanging half-way out the door." It's light. It's good. It's digestible. No doubt, Rin needs the communal uplifting right now, and Ai's happy to oblige.
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Date: 2025-08-01 06:32 pm (UTC)"No way. You're prickly like a cat."
There's the familiarity. Rin sullied it, at least temporarily with his tantrum. Not that anyone here but him would blame him, of course. They're all snickering. Sure it's at Rin's disposal, but after they all ganged up on Ikuya earlier and with how Rin was bawling ten minutes ago, it's all fine.
Halfway hanging out the car, keeping himself pulled up with the handle is also helping all the tension melt away. Sousuke takes a step back, looking around the parking garage. It's quiet for a minute, the chuckles tapering and dissipating. He starts shifting in the backseat, so he's not hanging out the door anymore, but Haru knees down in front of the open door, arms folding on the seat. He's just looking at Rin, his chin resting on his arms. Rin swallows at the intensity of those eyes on him. But suddenly there's a hand squeezing over his own. It's Ikuya.
"I'm gonna get going, before Hiyori has an aneurysm." Rin blinks, but squeezes Ikuya's hand back, smiling.
"Good job today, man. Looking forward to being on the same team." Ikuya blinks, lie that's the most genuine thing Rin's ever said to him. He scoffs, a little color on his face as he waves and walks away. Haru's still kneeling in front of the backseat. Rin just sighs, scratching the back of his head.
"Can I help you? I'm not looking for a proposal, thanks--" Haru shrugs.
"Just looking." It's soft. Rin nearly jerks backwards, but he sees Sousuke step away from the car and tap Ai on the shoulder, pointing the other way.
"I need some help finding the bathroom. Come with me?" And Sousuke tosses the keys at Rin before he starts walking away. "Just remember that's a new car."
And Rin nearly spits in response, Haru remaining as stoic as ever.
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Date: 2025-08-01 06:41 pm (UTC)He would have made up some arbitrary excuse to get the hell out of here himself, but Sousuke beats him to the punch. Ignores the knot in his gut and chooses instead to rely on the tenets he knows to be immovable comforts. Sousuke's intuition, for one.
"I'm surprised you made it back out here without getting turned around," he chimes, already walking back toward the building. And the moment they're out of earshot, with only Sousuke's eyes on him, Ai lets his expression fall. Can't help but look back at the car just one more time before stepping inside.
He says nothing. Just ruffles up his hair, takes a steeled breath, and swallows it all down. "Kirishima-senpai is more animated than I expected." It is absolutely not what is on either of their minds, but it is as if the obvious elephant in the room would threaten rampage if Ai deigned to touch it.
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Date: 2025-08-01 06:51 pm (UTC)It's one thing for your friend to stop writing you when he's in a foreign country. It's another for the letter you finally get to have your name haphazardly scribbled over characters that were something else. And when you pour over the letter, understanding creeps in. And it's then, Sousuke knew and resigned to himself that that's how life would be.
It's bittersweet, perhaps. But it's the reality. He shrugs, taking a turn that leads further into the underbelly of the garage. He's terrible with direction, yes, but this is intentional. Ai was the one that said they needed to talk after all. And maybe this time is as appropriate as any.
"You don't have to talk around it." It's not pushy. Just allowing that offer to settle into the echo of the lot. "But you can finally tell me what happened, too. Good a time as any."
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Date: 2025-08-01 07:05 pm (UTC)It is not the thing that matters. But it's all so fresh and overwhelming and the thought of being face-to-face with Rin tonight is prematurely devastating him. Sousuke can likely see the recollection play out in real time across Ai's features, a flinch to his expression and a mean grimace, as if fighting something back. And then suddenly, all at once, a calm. A resignation.
Sousuke had time to process this. For Ai, it's new.
"I don't know how much detail is helpful," Ai starts, voice unusually quiet. As if speaking too loud reminds him it happened at all. Regret, embarrassment, shame-- a high, a false hope. Rin's phantom touch manifests against the side of his neck, and Ai slaps his palm there as if trying to kill a bug that is biting at him.
"It's as I said earlier," he finally leads, picking at the hem of his jacket sleeve, "It started with me. It was storming, we were both awake. I said something and he reacted accordingly. I did nothing to stop any of it..." A smile crosses his face, bittersweet and hollow.
"I liked it. Maybe that's the worst part."
Can't even look Sousuke in the eye; Ai has his cheek turned, looking out toward the rows of cars. "We took a shower... I don't know. I guess I saw something he didn't, and flew too close to the sun. I didn't," he pauses. Shakes his head, "I didn't even say anything. He just knew."
"He said nothing and bolted."
Ai nods to himself, eyebrows knit. Still can't look Sousuke in the eye. "I'd like to think he got to your place quickly, but it's hard to know for sure. It was close to four AM when he left."
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Date: 2025-08-01 07:18 pm (UTC)When Ai finally finishes, Sousuke exhales softly, rubbing the back of his neck. "Yeah. That sounds like our Rin." It's spoken so softly, not wanting Ai to take anything he says as possible ramifications.
"You know the dude runs. It's not anything you could have prevented. And you wouldn't be you if you didn't like it, right?" Sousuke laughs, looking at a black suzuki parked somewhere nearby, their reflections evident in the glossy paint job.
"Call me crazy, but I'm a little jealous." He holds up his hands as soon as the words fall out of his mouth. Ai and him had a mutual understanding of what they had back at Samezuka, what they were trying to bury--after all. But still, he feels the need to feign surrender. Like joking about it will be the catalyst for something between the two of them next.
"It's not like you lit the match and set the whole place on fire though. Rin hassome blame, and I doubt you would have gone along with it if it seemed like he didn't want it. But yeah, it was a few hours after that he showed up. Can't imagine him running around in a storm if it wasn't bad."
Sousuke's eyes trail down towards Ai's neck, closing his eyes shortly after. He crosses his arms, tilting his head to the side.
"...I drove him out too though. So I guess I'm no better. So I'll shoulder some of it, if that helps at all."
no subject
Date: 2025-08-01 07:27 pm (UTC)"If our circumstances were reversed, I'd feel the same." Sky blue eyes back down on the cement under their feet; Ai, too, leans against the wall just beside Sousuke. Everything in him feels leaden, and he hates it.
His expression solemns, all the crestfallen, resigned shame hanging over his countenance heavily. The last time Sousuke's probably seen him this beaten up over himself may have been the time he nearly tripped over Ai on a Samezuka fire escape.
"I know I didn't. But that's how it feels."
Sousuke mentioning all that had happened after has Ai looking at him from his periphery for a moment, before turning his head to look at him fully. His eyebrows knit in that worried way of his; his hand touches Sousuke's wrist, doing with gesture what Sousuke had just tried to do with words for him.
"He was cagey on the details when I asked." Ai takes in a breath. "What happened?"
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Date: 2025-08-01 07:49 pm (UTC)It's not a question, just some sad statement that resonates between the both of them. It's been so many years for Ai already, even more for himself. Though as a kid you don't quite understand those things with the same velocity. But as life shapes you, you pick up the little things. And that sudden flood of understanding is more heartbreaking than anything else.
But there's his own shame flooding now. His own sins in all of this mess. He shifts a little, his shoulders hitching as Sousuke frowns. It feels like airing some dirty secret. The one where he wasn't strong enough, when Rin needed him to be.
"Just showed up crying and sopping wet. To be honest... the way he was stumbling around and with how his neck looked, I thought I would have to call the cops on someone." Sousuke laughs softly, rubbing the back of his head. "I just made my bed up for him, and let him sleep. Gave him some space."
Sousuke isn't being fair to himself. The first things out of his mouth were you look like shit and it wasn't fair. To him, or to Rin. So he spares the detail.
"Rin got pissy when I asked him what happened. But he told me that you guys were fighting, and he basically pulled your pants down. He was just mad and tired and needed something." Sousuke pauses, watching Ai permissively, like he's wondering if he's allowed to continue. Before he softly does.
"He was freaking out. Like he did something so unforgivable. So I just shrugged and told him it was fine, wasn't anything you and I hadn't done before. Guess you told him though, because he didn't seem surprised. Just pissed."
Sousuke recoils a little at the memory. The intensifying of voices that made him so grateful his brother wasn't home for a few days. That might have gotten the cops called on them, with how their voices escalated.
"He got mad, and said I should have told him how you felt. He didn't ever want to hurt you. Then, I guess..." This is where it gets hard. Sousuke drags his hand down the back of his neck, solemn wrenching over his features and tone. "...asked him how someone couldn't feel that way about him."
It feels dirty. So dirty. Like he's the worst person in the world for letting something slip through the cracks of vulnerability. Rin was already having a shit time, and Sousuke was so unbelievably selfish. He knew what he was saying, what he was doing in that moment. What did he want? Hard to say.
"That's when he started crying again, and ran. I wasn't gonna make him stay. Dude was unhinged. Not that I blame him. Must be shit to process all that in the span of a few hours." There's a little shake in Sousuke's own voice. Maybe it's some phantom pain, or just the welling of his own guilt. He feels Ai's hand against his wrist. That calming, grounding thing. Something he's relied on too much over the years. So selfish.
"...but. When he didn't come back or answer, I kind of panicked. Texted everyone I could think of. I thought he'd go to Nanase's if I'm being honest. But that just freaked him and Makoto out too." Sousuke laughs again. A self deprecating thing. "Kind of made me feel like shit again. Like I ruffled too many feathers."
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Date: 2025-08-01 08:27 pm (UTC)It's his turn to look guilty. Staring down at his feet. It isn't as if he and Sousuke had rules about sharing details about their encounters - but even at the time, Ai had said it plainly to Rin. That it's in Sousuke's best interests for why Ai wasn't forthright, and likely the same for why Sousuke hadn't been either. Ai reneged on that.
"I'd told him earlier. The day he arrived, actually." Ai closes his eyes and takes another steeling breath. "Not as some-- it wasn't some big confession. It came up naturally in conversation. Of course, I spared him the details... He just looked hurt that I'd hide it from him. I guess by the time he got to you, he'd made his peace with it."
And then Ai listens. And when Sousuke says that, he nearly physically recoils. Shuts his eyes, sucks in his lips, turns his cheek away. Not because he finds what Sousuke had said so profoundly evil or anything - no. It's empathy. It's a visceral reaction to knowing they'd both made the same exact mistake within less than a day of one another.
"You did the thing I couldn't conjure the courage to do. The first day Rin-senpai arrived, I thought of reaching out to Nanase-san and Tachibana-san." And Ai regrets it for several reasons, but prime among them now is, selfishly, if he had just done it, he may have saved himself and Sousuke and Rin a lot of heartache. "He was avoiding them. I could intuit why."
There's a pause then. Before Ai does them both the favour of finally identifying the elephant in the room; he gestures with his head back toward Sousuke's car. Toward Rin and Haruka.
"I ran into Nanase-san earlier. I told him to reach out to Rin-senpai." And the breath he takes in and the sigh he exhales are just so--
Resigned.
"So whatever is going on over there, I suppose you could thank me." He hates the way his eyes suddenly burn; he doesn't push them with his palm, doesn't sniff. Just shakes his head, as if disappointed with himself, and forces a smile. "... Thank you for looking out for me, Sousuke-senpai."
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Date: 2025-08-01 09:03 pm (UTC)It's not entirely the truth. He wasn't saving face for Ai in the grand scheme. Things just get awkward at an all boys academy when you say you're sleeping with one of your teammates to blow off the steam you both feel for your captain. From there, it just dissipated into the back of his mind.
Rin was gone. Ai was still there. Ai was in university, and Sousuke was flopping around trying to figure out what the hell to do with his life. Even if he's found it now, there's still infinite possibilities. He didn't think of bringing up a friends with benefit situation with someone he admired for all their tenacity, and diligence in striving for something.
"Do you feel like you did the right thing?" Telling Nanase. Sousuke lets his gaze trail back towards his car. He laughs a little, nudging Ai's knee with his own. "Because it's okay to feel like you didn't. We're all selfish. Just how people are."
Sousuke is speaking from experience, of course. Swallowing down so many things through life. So much of it for Rin Matsuoka, of all people. But maybe that's just what do you when there's a bond that spans so many years, so many lifetimes. It's alright. He has more now. Ai, Makoto. People that do so much for him. He smiles.
"You've looked out for me too, Ai. There's not enough gratitude in the world for me to give."
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Date: 2025-08-01 09:21 pm (UTC)"I was surprised when he did, to be honest. I assumed he'd want to keep it buried given present company." Ai drops his hand, "Kirishima-senpai still doesn't know. Nanase-san does, though." Ai uncomfortably clears his throat, and stalls before forcing the words out,
"I felt the way he was looking at me... When we bumped into one another, it was the same. I didn't want him to get the wrong impression, so I told him the truth. I'm still not sure what he feels, but it's at least out of my hands now."
And speaking of Haruka. Ai knows what Sousuke means, and the way Ai nearly curls into himself is pathetic. Crosses an arm to hold the opposite one, one leg suddenly hitched up against the wall. A distinct feeling of wishing he could shuck off his skin and start over again. Because he knows to anyone else on planet earth, his reply would seem horrifically deprecating, if not outright fetishistic in its prostrate nature.
"No, I don't feel I did." He swallows to ladle his saliva over the pit growing in his stomach, as if that might cull it, and then turns his head to look at Sousuke, raw determination lining his eyes.
"I know I did."
Blinks away that determination; his hand has to come up and help push some of it off his cheek. And stares back down at the ground, "Because I know you saw the same thing I did. The way Rin-senpai smiled. I never, ever want to get in the way of that. I absolutely won't." He makes a noise, a choked grunt, likely a sob he aborted. Turns ninety degrees away from Sousuke, trying to gather his resolve again. "Even if I'm useless, at least this much I can do. So I did."
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Date: 2025-08-01 10:02 pm (UTC)"Nanase stares at people like a dead fish sometimes. He's not out there thinking he has some claim to Rin or anything. Much as the guy pisses me off sometimes, that's always been more my style." Sousuke shifts, rolling his shoulder and pushing a hand into his pocket. "I told you about that right? Pushing him against a vending machine senior year? Playing the jealous boyfriend role. Not my finest or brightest."
But Nanase didn't ever tell Rin about it. At least, not to Sousuke's knowledge. So maybe he's not the worst guy in the world. Maybe that's why Sousuke shoved him out of the way of Rin's water gun during the festival. That stupid warm memory brings a smile to his face. Maybe that's the last time he's felt like this.
Even through the yawning sadness. He wonders what the two of them are talking about over there. Or maybe he doesn't want to know.
But Ai's determined, emboldened statement makes Sousuke's eyes widen. And man. If that isn't something admirable. Sousuke doesn't know if he could have done something like that. But maybe Ai is right too. Maybe if he had seen the way Rin really could smile, perform--live--he would have done the same exact thing.
"I think you're the stand up guy around here." Sousuke says quietly, looking at Ai through the sting reflected in his own eyes. Something he quickly rubs away with the back of his hand. "Useless maybe in regards to assessing what you mean to people."
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Date: 2025-08-01 10:14 pm (UTC)"No, you didn't tell me. Well, you kind of did, later that night... ..." Much to his embarrassment, it is perhaps one of their encounters Ai remembers most fondly. He's never seen Sousuke's expression look so dark, and knew it had to do with either Rin or Haruka. It had been one of the earlier ones, too. It was nice to see Sousuke fully present, even if-- um. Incensed.
There is something about seeing Sousuke get choked up that nearly pulls the plug completely on Ai's useless attempt at staying himself; his arm is lifted to his eyes, as if that might stop the deluge. To his credit, he cries quietly, letting it roll through him and then pass over him like a summer storm. He waits until he's sure his voice is steady enough to look back at Sousuke with an expression that miraculously manages to be playfully exasperated and not actually exasperated, red rings around his eyes be damned,
"I get it, jeez!" And to hell with it, they're both messes, and no one around them is there to look; Ai reaches up to press a thumb to Sousuke's strong cheek and jaw, doing him the favour of wiping away some of those tears before they can hit the floor. As for himself, Ai sniffs one last time, "I can't take both you and him--" Rin, he means, "-- saying the same thing."
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Date: 2025-08-01 11:01 pm (UTC)"Guess I never apologized for that, huh. Sorry you had to skip practice for like a week."
And maybe there's something akin to gratefulness not having to shoulder (hah) something alone. Something so intense it's spun out into whatever dizzying hold it has on you over the years. He doesn't flinch from the fingers brushing near his eye, leaning into it a little instead.
When someone in the world gets you, truly gets you, it can wipe out all the misery.
"Well get used to it, mister Olympian. People are going to be singing praises of you way more than this. Might I suggest jammers or legskins when we get our uniforms? Unless you want everyone checking out your ass on international tv. Not that I'd blame them, but..." He laughs, squeezing Ai's wrist, just keeping it there for a moment.
"You going to be okay?"
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Date: 2025-08-01 11:25 pm (UTC)Even now, standing amidst the ruins of extremely fresh heartbreak, even just being in Sousuke's vicinity helps tremendously. Ai can only hope the feeling is mutual.
He huffs!
"Next to you and Rin-senpai, I think I'll be fine." Implying the both of them are too bombshell for the attention to be spared. Ai knows his worth, and knows he's pretty, and lithe - but it is his honest opinion his two best friends blow him out of the water. And in it, but.
Sousuke's reassurances wash over him like aloe to a furious burn; just for a moment, he tucks himself a little closer to Sousuke's side, and shifts his hand up to find Sousuke's palm. Laces their fingers and squeezes. Simultaneously reassuring Sousuke that Ai is here for him in perpetuity, and indulging in his comfort. Smooths his thumb over the side of Sousuke's knuckle, and then lets go.
"I have to be." It's his honest answer. It isn't ideal, but he trusts Sousuke not to cast judgment. Ai sucks in a breath, "With all that's happened today, it's barely settled in. I qualified... I don't believe it yet. It'll probably hit me once I'm home. I can't let anything distract from the road that's ahead." He looks up at Sousuke, expression earnest. "Will you be?"
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Date: 2025-08-02 12:01 am (UTC)"You will be." He pats Ai on the back. "I've never known you to shy away from that sort of thing. Even through end of year exams and all your own shit, you made Samezuka record after Samezuka record."
Sousuke stuffs his hands into his pocket, fingers smoothing over the keys in there, alongside his phone and wallet. He looks back towards where they came from. There's something... unreadable crossing his face. But it's quickly replaced by that soft smile, and a shrug of his shoulders.
"Think they're done over there? Or need a little more time to go through your motions? I won't judge." Sousuke's resigned to this years ago anyways. He knows Ai is a little different. Living with someone, fucking someone, basically handing them over to someone you've deemed better than you must be rough. And he doesn't envy it at all.
"I'd offer to go back to that bar, but maybe we should keep the naked beach shenanigans to a minimum now. Sponsors might not like that."
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Date: 2025-08-02 12:16 am (UTC)"I'm okay." He looks up to Sousuke, as if to ask, will you be alright?, but figures if Sousuke is asking, then he's already made his moment's peace. A little reluctantly, Ai leans away from Sousuke and off the wall. Pats his cheeks, ruffles his fringe to even it out. Resigns to the fact his eyes are probably still red, but there's not much he can do about that.
Ai begins walking first after taking a slow, deep breath.
"We'll have to get home somehow anyway. Come on, Sousuke-senpai." Looks over his shoulder, smile painfully forced but it's also not for Sousuke's sake either, "Maybe once the dust is settled, I can come over for drinks. No bar required."
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Date: 2025-08-02 12:33 am (UTC)He pushes off the wall in turn, not notating the way he can see Ai's eyes puffy and red. It's understandable. He kind of hopes Ai and Rin get their shit out of the way. Much as he can sympathize with both of them, Rin's kind of an asshole at the end of the day. But Ai knows what he's fallen for, after all. If what he's heard about their first year together isn't enough to drive Ai away, well.
"You all only call me now because I have a car." It's totally a joke. He's not being serious. Being a pack mule just kind of comes with the territory of being one of the only people in your friend group with a vehicle. Picking up Natsuya's drunk ass constantly, Kisumi crawling into the backseat begging for a ride, finding Haru slumped over after jogging at five am and driving him home...
"You're welcome anytime."
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Date: 2025-08-02 12:53 am (UTC)There wasn't going to be anymore awkward exchanges or toeing around things like they had never happened before. The moment Nitori confessed what had transpired, urging Haru to close that gap that Rin had so haphazardly erected between them, Haru couldn't keep away.
He watches Ai and Sousuke depart, slumping a little at the way Nitori much tried to pretend what was happening in front of him was in fact not. Rin turns around on his stomach, arms crossed, legs bent and tilted up because he wouldn't fit across the backseat otherwise. Haru raises a brow.
"You look like a teenage girl about to gossip." Rin scoffs at the words, and just raps his knuckles against Haru's arm. It's quiet for a moment, the only sounds muffled tires and whispers of people walking to their vehicles in the distance.
"...you don't have to tell me you know." He can visibly watch the lines in Rin's body tense up. Like he's unconsciously trying to shift so Haru can't see his neck. Haru rolls his eyes, and just pinches Rin's wrist. Who hisses (what was Ikuya saying about acting like a cat earlier?) and snatches it back like Haru burned him.
"What are you. What do you mean?" Haru just looks at Rin, before shifting his gaze to the floor mat.
"Nitori told me." Rin looks like he's about to cry. Not exactly what he was aiming for, so Haru clarifies. "It's fine. I'm not upset. I don't know, or care what happened."
He can see Rin try to avoid eye contact, burying his face against his arms instead. Haru doesn't push, he just lets his own head rest on his crossed arms, shifting a little because kneeling is not very comfortable. But Azuma would probably say it's good for him or something. Rin sucks in a little breath, pushing his fingers into his hair.
"Haru..."
"I said it's fine." Haru pauses for a moment. "I was just worried. Yamazaki texted me that you disappeared, and I didn't even know you were back." It's an open ended question. Rin doesn't have to answer anything he doesn't want to. But he can see the gears turning, as Rin tries to put a little effort into explaining.
"Look, it was just messy. You know me, hard to face the music." Rin is quiet for a moment before he continues. "Sorry. For not telling you guys I was back. I didn't want anyone knowing."
Haru nods, like it's fine and the most perfectly normal thing in the world. He's not going to pry and ask Rin why he thought not texting his friends was a good idea when he came home, but he figures Rin had a reason. Haru technically knows the reason, but. He bumps their foreheads together for a moment, and feels Rin inhale sharply. Haru selfishly lets the contact linger for a moment before he pulls away.
"Just don't be a stranger."
Haru slides their fingers together, giving Rin's hand a squeeze. He sees the tears start building in Rin's eyes, like he suddenly can't stand to be looked at. So Haru doesn't, and lets his gaze drift back up towards the ceiling. It's quiet again. Haru thinks he can hear Yamazaki and Nitori coming back, so he squeezes Rin's hand again. Rin sniffs, before he squeezes back and waves towards his friends coming back to the car.
"Took you assholes long enough. I'm fucking tired."
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