Ai waits until Rin's disappeared into the entryway and for the door to close before dialing his mother first, figuring that wherever she is, his father is likely closeby, and it'd be easier to get two birds with one stone.
In general Ai tried to stay in good contact with his parents; they were extremely busy people, but often at least tried to make time for him on the important things. Unable to escape their work responsibilities to come to Tokyo, Ai knew this call would be somewhat lengthy as they both asked for all the details. And he's of course happy to oblige; he's blessed to be able to say he and his parents are on very good terms. Even the times they don't know everything, it is almost as if that which is left unsaid isn't important. The perks of being an only child and Beloved First Son, he guesses.
Ai immediately wishes he'd caught them at a time where mom was still at work or vice versa, because they talk over each other near-constantly, making it impossible for Ai to get a word in edge-wise, let alone decipher the questions they're asking. Apparently Mikhail did text Ai's mother immediately after his qualifying heat, and his father brags about having bullied his coworkers into changing the station on their office TV in order to catch it live.
Who could have thought you could be so strong? he says. Ai blinks at his phone. It's partially his fault for leaving them in the dark, if he's honest; had been too embarrassed to reach out to his professional swimming uncle because he didn't feel proud of himself yet. Never told his parents his accolades from Samezuka because he didn't feel they were worthy enough of celebration yet. It only stands to reason they barely knew what he was capable of, and would be surprised he could accomplish something worthwhile after all.
"There were more people than just me in the lane is why." And speaking of important people who have changed his life-- Ai begins to apologize profusely for taking up their time, and his father is apologizing profusely back, and his mother is giving him all the wonderfully maternal if uninformed platitudes in the world at rapid speed, like don't overdo it! and please remember to eat three square meals a day! and I'll send you the nice beef from the market if you want it and nothing worth doing is ever easy, so please keep trying your best, Aiichirou! and say, honey, is your neck alright?--
Ai abruptly ends the call and throws the front door open, expression stuck mid-panic.
He isn't surprised to see the state Rin is in, only how quickly its onset had been. Ai hurriedly closes the door and toes off his shoes, pocketing his phone at record speed.
"Senpai?" he asks, like a moron, as if all the reasons Rin could be crying weren't painfully obvious. Ai approaches him, as if all his trepidation and complicated sentiment had been washed over by an instinct and habit four years under the whetting stone. Pauses when he sees the bowl of curry Rin's set out for him. Feels a small warmth bloom in his chest - and tries to fight off a small laugh at the mental image of Rin preparing this food through tears.
"That was kind of you, thank you." Whatever questions he had been about to bombard Rin with are waylaid; Ai enters the kitchen to scope out for a curry spoon, he knows he has one somewhere. Looks back to Rin as he does, "My parents both asked how you were doing, by the way. Dad especially seemed really impressed with your times today." The qualifying ones, but Aiichirou chooses not to specify the obvious. "They're both taken with you, it's sweet. I sometimes have to wonder who they're actually rooting for." The smile Ai flashes is genuine, if small. He knows he's historically been cagey about details of his home life (for no reason other than not thinking Rin would care very much) but it's present front of mind, and yet another way he can delay the inevitable. And so his mouth, it runs.
It's so stupid. Ai nearly tripping over himself to come closer. Rin slaps a palm over his own mouth, and simply laughs into the back of it.
Maybe it gives off the appearance of mania, or maybe it's just some far gone comfort slowly settling back into the fray. Rin doesn't know, and Rin doesn't care. All he knows is he is trying to take in Ai's kind words relayed from his parents. They are too kind, truly. It's an obvious ploy to get him to stop whatever post wailing breathing exercises he was self participating in. But Rin finally swallows down the laughter, wiping his cheek with the back of his hand.
"They better be rooting for you. You're going to kill it." Rin smirks halfheartedly, pushing Ai's bowl towards him. "Might need to heat it back up, sorry. Was talking to Mom, and kind of got distracted." Those words really should say it all. Talking to Mom, because if Rin is on the phone with her one of two things happens.
One, he cries. Point blank.
Two, he fusses until he eventually hangs up and she's the one laughing herself to tears on the other end. It's a good equivalent exchange between them, a mutual understanding.
Rin tries shoving a spoonful of his own lukewarm food back into his mouth. It feels like swallowing a ball of sand, but he tries to force it down. Ai's parents are right about one thing, and that's staying in form for whatever is to come. Rin spares a glance over at Ai, sighing as a drop of curry splashes back into the bowl and he lets the spoon settle back in there for a bit.
"Your folks doing good though?" Offering Ai that room to run his mouth, be as uncagey as he wants with the details. Rin always liked it when Ai shared about his dog, after that first night back. It felt like a glimpse into a person he knew so little about at the end of the day.
It was all so needlessly sequestered in his brain, and has been since time immemorial. Not afraid to take up space, but maybe a bit afraid of revealing too much. Assuming from the onset that no singular part of him was worth the extrapolation, not without a query first. That, or a much less cerebral and more relatable shame held him back from being forthright.
It's why Rin didn't know about Mikhail's relation until Ai himself had climbed to a level to deem himself worthy of being related to someone who swam better than him. It's why he didn't deign to know Rin's friends any deeper until Sousuke proved to Ai that he was enough on his own, without the need of being someone else's shadow. All in time. Talking about his parents and his home life was just another facet of it all.
He finally finds his curry spoon and brings the bowl on top of the half-wall partition that separates the kitchen from the living space, standing up and using it as a makeshift table. After the amount of energy he's burned today, unlike Rin, Ai is happy to eat it all.
"It's fine like this," he intones, clearly more intent on shoveling food down his gullet than wasting another two seconds getting it a couple degrees warmer. Swallows around a bite and tells himself to slow down unless he wants to make himself sick, "How's Matsuoka-san doing? I'd thought of seeking out her and your sister before we left, but I didn't want to impose." Funny how he'd been so intimidated at the idea of meeting her, and when he finally had the shot, so many other things just-- overshadowed it. Ai wonders passively if he's left a good impression or not.
It's Ai's turn to stifle a laugh, watching Rin putz his food around like a picky kid. Not that he was, Ai knew him to have a good appetite and palate - still, it elicited that same familiarity in his chest. Maybe things can be alright after all.
He nods his head, "They're great. Just very busy, neither could make it out here to watch in person." Then laughs in that airy way of his, and bats the air in front of his face as if to get rid of something, "It's a little embarrassing how much they ask about you. Well, it makes sense, they know you're a phenomenal swimmer." Rin might remember Ai's parents from at least a few Regional competitions; he was a spitting image of his mother, and has seemingly inherited all the worst possible personality traits from both parents. His mother's tenacity, his father's affability.
It's not a lie. Rin is sure that she is worried right and left about him, even after being reassured on the phone that he is fine beyond being the baby he always is when they talk. But it's not the entire truth either. He watches Ai leave the kitchen, and shovel down food at a rate he doesn't think he's ever seen from his friend before. He laughs, pushing his own bowl to the side. It won't stay down if he eats much more anyways.
"Sounds like they watched you still?" Rin ventures a little farther, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly at the praise. It's equally nothing new, but hearing it from the whole family makes his skin prickle a little. He doesn't deserve it, not after today. Not after the kind of shit he's pulled on their son recently. Would they be so pleasant if they knew the truth?
He shoves the thought away, leaning his chin on his hand. It's easy to fall back into whatever routine they had before Rin dragged everything through the mud. But there's still some looming things that need to be said. But they both appear desperate enough to cast those things aside, and so Rin continues to brush it aside. Ai is too, so really he's not solely responsible at least. Rin tries to settle on another topic instead.
Ai thinks he'd rather jump into oncoming traffic than tell his parents about any of that. They didn't even think their son knew what kissing was, as far as he's concerned. Has done a stellar job for years of selling an image of a boy and then a man whose curiosities were purely academic or athletic, and anything else simply didn't have the time. All that, plus he would never purposely sully Rin's name, no matter the circumstance.
"Dad I guess has a television in his office, and mom was watching it from her hotel room." Ai doesn't want to think about the insane logistics that must go into broadcasting sporting events, and is only mildly surprised to think his heat was not only filmed, but his victory thereafter. Ai only remembers now that he screamed. It causes him to flush a little, suddenly shoving his chin and mouth into and behind the palm of his hand.
And then Rin chimes in. Ai doesn't mean to hit him with a really? by way of eyebrows raised to his hairline and eyes otherwise dead on arrival, but. Ai for his part can't tell how much of it is Rin being cheeky versus trying to toe the line of the stuff Ai wishes he could instead throw out the window. He weighs his options sincerely; it's more likely Rin might ask something sensitive, so Ai figures his response is an obvious one.
"Dare." Despite his reservations, he pouts. "I thought we finished in the car."
Rin knew what Ai's answer would be. Maybe Ai would have surprised him, but that's not what happened and Rin just shrugs it off. He's avoiding the inevitable too. But maybe he's trying to take some initiative, because well. Isn't all of this his fault anyways?
Rin smiles softly, tracing the edge of his bowl with one finger. It's not quite a sad smile, but it's not very happy either. Weighted more than anything else. Well, he'll be kind enough. There's not enough money in the world that could make him be cruel again to Ai. Not intentionally, at the very least.
"Okay. Dare, huh." Rin reiterates, tilting his head a little where it rests on his hand.
"I dare you to tell me the last time you talked to Haru. Alone." It's an open ended question. One that is open for interpretation. Ai could lie and say it was at Samezuka all those years ago. But Rin had some inkling that they spoke. Haru went from cold and hands off after whatever he was staring at with Ai and Rin's neck to kind and even touching Rin.
But Rin quickly tacks on.
"But you can tell me to piss off too, and ask something else. I'm not gonna force anything out of you. Especially after everything else I've done." His tone is still gentle, trying to be understanding. So it doesn't spiral into whatever the last time they tried to have a "talk" was.
So it goes. Ai knew better than to think he'd outrun Rin forever. His legs were longer, and if there was any singular person more stubborn on planet earth than Ai was, it was Rin himself.
His hands press up the length of his face and into his hair and back down his neck, hands uncomfortably clasped on either side of his nape, elbows on the countertop. It is clearly evident he doesn't want to have this conversation, but... He, too, knows he could lie. Or tell Rin to shove it. Ai has the authority to choose myriad ways of getting out of it, prime among them telling Rin to move out. Then this would all be permanently behind them, surely. But he knows it isn't the responsible answer; it doesn't accomplish much other than cowardice.
Prematurely anticipating dredging up the remnants of fresh memories he had just forgotten for all of two minutes, Ai relents.
"Right before my qualifier," comes his stable answer. His eyes are even on Rin, even if Ai wants to look anywhere but. But he has some amount of internal need for Rin to understand all that had transpired and all that he does and says now are only in good faith, despite everything. "We bumped into each other out in the hallway."
His fingers curl against his nape. Rin didn't ask for more than that, but Ai knows it's his onus to deliver, so he might as well.
"I saw the way he was looking at me... At us. I couldn't stand it anymore. And I only told him two things." Ai shrugs. Resigned. "That what he thinks happened between us isn't important. And that if he reached out to you, he wouldn't regret it. Those were my exact words."
He leaves out the deeper parts. How he saw an opportunity to drive a nail into his own foot but chose it anyway because it was the right thing to do. Or in the flowery language he used with Sousuke, I'll never be the reason Rin-senpai's smile goes away. Absolutely never. For the better; following his words, Ai's brain immediately kicks into overdrive, trying to preemptively guard against whatever possible reaction Rin might have. Anger that Ai spoke on his behalf? Justified. Upset that Ai meddled? Justified. Horrified Ai would bother with such a thing minutes before his heat? Justified. All at once, the remaining food in his bowl is wholly unappetizing.
It's quiet for a while. Rin isn't glaring at him, shooting him dirty or pitying glances, just taking it all in. Watching Ai slowly unravel with what should be a simple statement, turned into over explanation--like Ai has something he has to defend himself over. Committed some crime.
His shoulders sag a little, as he sighs.
Rin pulls the hand from his chin, pinching the bridge of his nose. All before he stalks off to stand near Ai. He gives him a look, the expression on his face not quite clear. And then Rin leans down, and flicks Ai right in the forehead.
"That's for lying to him, and saying it wasn't important."
Rin's tone is slightly rigid, but far from exasperated or angry. Maybe just the tiniest tone of annoyed. He pulls himself back again, stuffing one hand into his pocket with a huff.
"You've got to get better about what people think. Especially what people think about me. I'm an adult who makes shit choices sometimes. But they're my decisions. The only thing about any of that that sucks is... is how much I hurt your feelings."
Sure, Rin's grateful Haru closed that distance. The one both of them had put up together. But seeing Ai gut himself over it isn't great either.
"I didn't--!" Ow! Not necessary! Ai rubs at his forehead with an aggravated huff. Rather than shrink however, Ai straightens his spine and looks Rin right in the eye, inches between them, all defiance and certainty in whatever sentiment is currently floating in his chest, only slightly offset by the fact he's still rubbing his forehead.
"But it wasn't." His eyebrows lower. "Not in a way that mattered, and not in a way that mattered specifically to Nanase-san." Ai really doesn't want to spell it out: what they did was purely carnal. For Rin it served a purpose. Ai learned the hard way only after the fact that room for it to serve something deeper, something important was a gross miscalculation on his part. For him to sit here and have Rin try to tell him that's wrong nearly has Ai indignant and beside himself.
But he relents. Even if he still disagrees with what's coming out of Rin's mouth, but Ai can put technicalities aside long enough to recognize Rin's trying to dig at something broader.
"It's okay." He means it, even if he doesn't feel it. Ai knows with time that'll come. Still, he shakes his head, and leans on the partition with his elbows, no longer feeling a need to so directly confront Rin anymore, "But you're underestimating me, Rin-senpai. Whatever Nanase-san or anyone else thinks of you isn't my business, and what they think of me I can fix with time." His voice grows just a little smaller.
"I had an opportunity to help, and I took it. That's all." He shifts his weight some, turning his cheek away from Rin; seems he's hit his quota for his backbone. "And I'd do it again, a thousand times over. Because I saw and felt firsthand exactly what it was doing to you."
He takes in a breath.
"You can be upset at me for interfering. Unfortunately, on this one, I'm not going to apologize."
"It was something I did with someone close to me. It matters. Haru can fucking deal with it." He huffs out, turning his own cheek away in turn.
At least Ai (maybe? somewhat?) accepts his apology, affirming it's okay even if Rin still feels like garbage over it. He'll keep professing it probably until the day he dies, or the day Ai is so sick of hearing it he blocks him out entirely. Who's to say which would come first? It just makes him feel worse the more Ai's voice shrinks as his words carry on.
But then again, he should feel like shit for it. If he'd known what he did, he never would have--
It's Rin's turn to try to make himself small. His arms fold on the counter, and he presses his face against them. His brows are twisted, his mouth the same though graciously hidden by his arms. He's not mad at Ai, far from it. Conversation sucks, all of this does. And it's Rin's fault they have to do any of it to begin with, so he might as well face the music. At least he's keeping himself tempered this time, not exploding at someone who definitely doesn't deserve it.
"...and what exactly was it doing?" Rin mutters into his arm, glaring at one of the bowls at the counter. Before immediately skipping right into the next topic.
"Not asking for an apology. It's my fault anyways. I'm the one who's sorry for all of this to begin with. I spun out and dragged you and Sousuke down and I'm sorry."
He can almost feel it, the way a shadow creeps between the both of them and begins to build upward, brick by brick. The longer it spans on, the more Ai tries to shield himself, the taller the wall gets. He so badly doesn't want to talk about it anymore - doesn't want to seem as if he's rubbing Rin's nose in it, doesn't want to keep reminding himself he's third best. All the deprecating truths that were already on repeat in his head like a horrible chorus. But for Rin's sake, he articulates it one last time, voice even and calm if a bit distant, matching Rin's suddenly solemn energy.
"You pulled away." Ai grips his arms, leans to one side some. "I had my suspicions when you first arrived, and that night," that night, "I had them confirmed. You hadn't isolated that badly since we'd first met."
His tongue feels thick like molasses; he has to take a second to swallow it down, loosen it up enough to get the god damn words out.
"I knew it wasn't good when you lashed out. And I had a sense of exactly how bad it was when we touched." His eyes slip closed, eyebrows knit together. "... And I knew why when I couldn't tell whose name you were calling."
Ai hates how quickly and immediately it makes his eyes prick; stubbornly, he presses a knuckle to his duct, staying them for now. "I did everything. I gave all of me. And yet still, Nanase-san accomplished in minutes what I'd tried to do for weeks.
"He brought your smile back.
"... So that's why." Ai sits up and off the countertop, back to Rin. His shame, his uselessness hangs over him like a fog. His voice suddenly booms, stubborn and pivoting hard in an obvious attempt to outrun those feelings, "And no, I don't regret it. Not one part of it. And I take you exactly as you are, Rin-senpai. You didn't scare me four years ago, you didn't last month, and you don't now. Every single part of you is part of someone who,"
He has to pause to take a deeeep breath.
"-- Who I consider one of my best friends. It's what friends do."
There's a certain turning point, in any relationship.
Messy realizations curdling into an agonizing truth. That you can apologize a thousand times, and it won't make things better. You can wistfully hope that you could go back in time, make it so things never happened. But it's cruel to hope for things that can't ever happen.
Rin bites his lip, his gaze twisting towards the countertop. Because he can't deny the truth in Ai's words. He pulled away, from everything. His friends, his family, himself. His hand drops to his side, fist curling. But not out of anger, or wanting to hit something. Just the sheer, dizzying anguish of what he's done, the things he's drudged up for Ai and the pain he's caused countless people in the fallout.
He brought your smile back.
It would be so easy for Rin to argue that Haru was the one to take it away in the first place. But wouldn't that be a lie? Rin was the one who went to Australia, Rin was the one who didn't fight harder... For the thousandth time today, Rin's tears slip out, dribbling onto the countertop.
A split second decision, a selfishly fueled one, caused all of this. If Rin had just taken his space and left, if Rin had just not done everything he'd done... would Ai be hurting the same way? Would Sousuke? Would Rin be living in ignorant bliss of his friend's feelings towards him, casually draping himself over them and playfully flirting like he'd always done before?
"I..." He doesn't finish the sentence.
It's what friends do.
It would be cruel to try to touch Ai right now, hug him, or squeeze his wrist. Ai's back is turned to him, and Rin doesn't try to push the matter. No turn around damnits or any other demands. Just the soft drip of tears, and sniffles echoing in the kitchen.
It's a familiar scene, and cruel that he has to step into it twice today.
He wore his heart on his sleeve, often not caring how much or how little his friends watched him cry. But he couldn't in front of Sousuke earlier, because knowing he'd see that reflected back at him if Sousuke saw the extent of it had Ai turning his back for Sousuke's sake. And it was the same now, not wanting his countenance to betray the words he so badly needs Rin to hear, and to understand, and to know are true. I don't regret any of it. You don't scare me. It's what friends do.
But the shame is what has him standing like that in a prolonged silence even after Rin professes his grief for the seventeenth time in as many chimes. Because all of this would have been so much easier, so much less messy if Ai could have just stayed in his lane.
Furiously, Ai wipes at his face. He may not have Haruka's magic, or hold the weight to be able to make Rin's day brighter by just existing, but the least Ai could do was try and not let this day end on such a depressing note. So it's in spite of his face being reddened and tear-stained that he turns back around, pushing against his eye with his palm one last time, and doing his god damned best to croak a smile up from anywhere he can think to make it organic. Thinks of the way Rin smiled when among all of his friends. Of his cheer when he won his first qualifier. Of the car ride.
"It's okay," he repeats, with that same gentle, unconditional knowing. It wasn't really Ai's modus to be the one to bridge physical contact, but he knows how Rin communicates, and he's still human, and the wall between them is cold. He leans forward, enough to be able to touch and squeeze Rin's wrist, as if to try and bring him back to reality. That, and maybe silently affirm that Ai meant what he had said days ago: please don't treat me any differently.
"It's no good to worry about the things we can't change." Forces his smile brighter, tries to make his sniff quiet. "Rin-senpai, you cleared two qualifiers. You're a shoe-in for the Olympic team." He really doesn't have the energy or capacity to force himself to be jovial, but he still does it anyway. It's all he knows: endure. "Even I," and despite the rest of him, Ai still has to shake his head in disbelief, "Someone like me could manage it, too. We've got a lot of hard work cut out ahead of us, but."
So much more he wants to say, in vain or otherwise. But his throat constricts tightly and his bottom lip begins losing its composure-- so he turns his back again. And groans, clearly frustrated with himself.
"I'll have to quit my job," comes a muddied, wet laugh.
It seems like such a distant memory now. The fresh rawness of everything else tumbling down around them. Ai's fingers tight around his wrist. Rin almost jerks away, rebuttals that he doesn't deserve the kindness surrounding the gesture. His throat feels hot, his face hurts as it screws up, trying to fight it all down.
"Right." He manages to spit out, using his free hand to scrub his face dry, or at least make a pathetic attempt towards it. "You worked your ass off too. It's going to be hard." He's just trying to chug along through this conversation, ignoring the tremors he can feel traveling up his arm. Whether they're from him or Ai, he can't say for certain.
It's so easy to say don't focus on the obvious. It's harder still to actually follow through. The elephant in the room glowering, ever present, but they're tip toeing around it like it never existed to begin with. He tries to utter sympathetic words for Ai having to quit his job. He thinks Ai likes it well enough at least, the times he's seen him there.
"That's shit." His voice feels hollow, trying to keep his voice level. "...do you think they'll let you come back after this is all over?" Even though there's no real timeline. There's qualifying matches all over the world, training camps, olympics themselves, it's a fast paced lifestyle. Rin is sure he doesn't even begin to grasp it quite yet.
A slow, measured breath in. An even, calming breath out. Ai's silence this time isn't for lack of wanting to say words he'd rather kept unsaid; he's doing the hard work of composing himself. Because if he's going to try and act as if things have the potential to go back to normal, he has to start somewhere. Being able to look Rin in the eye and not immediately burst into tears is a good place to try and start as any.
For the second time he turns around, and unlike before actually does seem a bit calmed down. He will become a professional at ignoring that elephant, god damnit. Ai will be the one to ride it back out into the wilderness and get it out of the room. He will tamp it all down, drywall and spackle and buff and paint it all-- because a minute ago, it was just him and his hurt. But now?
Yeah. The Olympic team. It was more than just Rin, and more still than Haruka. If Ai didn't get his shit together, he risked complicating things for at least four people. The only clear option was to try and get over himself, in whatever ways possible.
It started here. If Rin thinks he can get Ai to expose himself a third time, he's a fool. This time, I absolutely won't fail.
"I don't know if I'd want to," he answers honestly, voice still a bit wet but his cadence is even. Leans against the wall a little; just standing there in front of Rin was a bit awkward, and Ai was now so full of pent-up emotional energy it manifested in his body needing somewhere to go or something to do. "I want to see how far into this world I can bring myself."
-- but there's still that little nag. An instinct of his he can't conveniently kill. Ai looks through wet eyelashes at Rin, eyebrows knit in that sympathetic way of his. His voice that familiar tone - calm, and pointed, and aggravatingly selfless.
There's some old saying, that goes hand in hand with putting on a mask to help save face. And Rin slips so easily back into it when the timing is appropriate. Warm fingers feeling like they're squeezing the life out of his wrist, when in reality they are nothing but grounding and gentle.
Rin tries to force his breathing to even out, for Ai's sake. Definitely not for his own.
"You will." His voice is stern, startling even himself as he forces himself to look at Ai best he can. Blinking away the tears furiously rubbing at the wet marks trailing down his cheeks. He smiles, twisting his hand in such a way to squeeze his fingers over Ai's. Trying to return that gentle reassurance in anyway he can, without being overtly affectionate. Ai may have said don't treat me differently but Rin will still overthink it everytime.
After all, he knows the feeling well.
"If there's anyone who's fucking stamina can make it in the big leagues, it's yours. One hundred percent." Rin smirks halfheartedly, letting the contact cease and pulling himself back a little bit. He needs something to do, so he gathers his own bowl up, tossing out the remains and begins handwashing it in the sink, enjoy the flood of warm water (maybe too hot) singing his skin. A small reprieve. A small feeling of something other than whatever this awkward string he's weaved is.
"Yeah. I'll be alright." He flashes a soft smile at Ai. "I will be."
[Ai smiles, in a way that so badly wants to feel the pride that Rin evidently feels for him, but his current state makes it hard to do so. He can focus and reason with himself long enough to not be a babbling mess, but squeezing positivity out of him was going to be like trying to squeeze moisture out of a rock.]
That's kind of you to say. [Rin's absconded to the sink, and Ai needs to clean up his bowl too, so he starts doing exactly that, scraping the small bit of food he couldn't finish into the garbage and waiting for Rin to free up at the sink to do the same,] Maybe next time I can try for the IM. It wasn't in the cards this year.
It's something else to look forward to and work toward. Ai's realized that much today, and especially tonight: if he doesn't broaden his network and his purview, he's in trouble. If he doesn't, he has the potential to compromise Rin, too. That he simply wouldn't be able to forgive himself over.
Rin's reassurance lands, and Ai's smile grows a little. He believes Rin in that he'll be alright; he has to. In the same way Rin has to blindly trust Ai will be alright, too. What eats at Ai is the thought of his place in Rin's life effectively being inverted. Having once been the solver, but now the problem. And who is out there to salve over Rin's wounds this time? To help him be alright?
There is still so much more to say, or to ask. None of it relevant to the actual milestones of the evening. Ai wonders how much of it even matters; if a month, a year from now he or the both of them will look back on this evening in their kitchen and look at their past selves with some level of embarrassment and disdain. Is it worth solving if it was worth breaking?
But that's my fault. So it's on me to do something about it.
He waits for access to the sink, and rather unceremoniously mumbles,] I think I'll take a shower and turn in early.
[rin finishing cleaning his own bowl, gesturing to ai to hand it to him so he can do the same. might as well since he's here. he thinks, with a little jealous, about how haru was always going on and on about only swimming free. and then decided to just hop in and do the individual medley to swim with ikuya again. maybe that stings a little that haru swam butterfly for someone else first but--
eh. details]
Yeah. Go for it.
[rin grabs at ai's bowl this time, to clean it, turning the scalding water down a bit to spare ai some hot water. after such a long, messy day? he needs it. rin will get there eventually. maybe in the middle of the night. maybe he'll go out for a run first. no, scratch that. bad idea. leg, right. he shakes his head, nodding in ai's direction]
[Ai had half-expected Rin to take the chore for him, but didn't want to impose. Even when it was basically Rin's only chore in the apartment thanks to Ai's neuroticism and intentions to keep Rin as unburdened as possible, Ai didn't want to impose and often still washed his own things. All the same he hands his bowl over, flashing a smile clearly meant for Rin in appreciation, but unable to look up to meet his eye.]
It pushes you to your limit... That's how I feel, anyway. I have a strong start, but I feel I could be doing something better with my energy. For someone like me, the IM is a good fit. [He remembers their first year, feeling so down on himself that he couldn't qualify for the IM or for breast, meanwhile Rin who had accolades to spare kneecapped himself to only the free 100m. At the time, Ai didn't get it-- at the time he was jealous, frustrated even. Now--
Now he supposes, in hindsight, not much has really changed. Only the reasons whyfor.
He's keen not to let his thoughts spiral for a tenth time tonight, so leans away from the counter and begins shuffling his feet toward the shower room.]
We both do. [Doesn't even want to touch whatever the hell might be going through Rin's head with a ten foot pole, and shocking even himself, Ai is too tired to try. He rounds the corner to the shower room door,] I'll leave you some hot water, [and disappears inside.
Clothes off, water frigid ice cold. He didn't need to punish himself anymore - what he needed was a wakeup call. He spends the first ten minutes sobbing his heart out (quietly, politely,) the next ten committing to memory the sensation of the water pricking his skin like a thousand icy needles, and the next ten actually washing off.]
[in that moment, something about ai feels. frigid. it's enough to catch rin off guard entirely as ai pardons himself to shower. rin is in fact so dumbounded he just stands there, hands under the sink for a few moments. until the shower turning on kickstarts some varying temperature his way, and he hisses at the boiling water scalding his hand.
he yanks his hand back, near slamming the faucet off and staring down at the red skin, before letting his gaze trail back towards the bathroom. it's all he can do to just not follow ai in there, and ask what the hell his problem is.
rin pushes his hand through his hair. deep breaths. deep breaths. he tries not to think, as he turns the sink off, that it sounds faintly like choked back somethings, because it's not his business and he can't impose. so rin does what rin does best, and just makes a cup of ai's favorite tea, setting it on the counter. he looks at it bitterly for a moment, thinking of the cup he shattered in his recklessness, wondering if it perhaps meant something to ai or was just another thing. rin bites his lip.
no. there's no such thing as just another thing, and he thinks dimly like he treated ai like that during that heated moment.
ai wants his space. so rin gives it to him. he glances back at his jacket, temptation flooding him to just get out, leave. go run until his heart is slamming so hard against his chest it feels like there's something there beyond whatever dull ache is throbbing. but he knows that's reckless and stupid, so he forces himself to sit on the couch, grab whatever book is closest to him (poems of the goat ugh. it works) and try forcing his nose between the pages.
it does little to dull the throbbing ache. he smacks his forehead with the book a few times. come on rin fucking matsuoka. don't tank. you're going to the olympics it's all you ever wanted. who cares about everyone else? and oh he hates that little inner voice that pops up every now and again. the one that plagued him first year, and all those years in australia as a kid. the one that said to push everyone away.
he grits his teeth, digging the book into his face a little harder]
[There is a waft of cool air when the door to the shower room finally opens again, and from it Ai emerges, hair still wet and towel wrapped around his bottom. Any evidence of him having been a mess is wiped clean from the slate, other than the red around his eyes; he'd accomplished what he needed to, and his only intent for the rest of the evening is to try his absolute best to just-- relax. Sort out his brain. Start the process of figuring out a better way to compartmentalize, because if he doesn't, he's in trouble.
Except the moment he steps over the threshold back into the apartment, it is as if there is a deep, oppressive darkness radiating from where Rin is on the couch. Despite himself and his attempts at composure, that instinct of his has blue eyes leveled on Rin as if to try and ascertain him - something he maybe should have done earlier.
Ultimately, though, he makes the same choice. Doesn't prod, doesn't ask - just turns back into his far corner of the apartment, a lump coalescing in his throat and plummeting with record speed down into his gut. All at once, Ai is doing familiar mental gymnastics, the specific steps and dance required to toe the line between getting a read on Rin without making it worse. I don't like this.
At his bed side Ai drops his towel and begins to fish out clean clothes. And as if to try and deduce exactly the level of keep away he should be playing, Ai breaks the thick tension in the air with a question so vapid his ploy is probably obvious,]
[he tries to continue giving ai that space when he emerges from the bathroom, tries really focusing on this paragraph he's read fifty times over. less smacking himself in the face with the book now that he has company of course, but.
he's so deep in trying to pretend he's fine and engrossed with this book, that he almost misses ai speaking entirely. he pulls the book up a bit, squinting, his lips screwed up a little]
Nakahara. Guy was weird, but kind of a brilliant writer.
[rin tries letting his eyes land on a random excerpt, and reads it out loud the syllables rolling off his tongue]
Then evening came, and I thought this world is like an ocean. I imagined that watery expanse at dusk, where a haggard boatman rows. Those unsteady hands, looking if there's fish or not he passes by staring at the surface.
[rin straightens up a little, realizing ai didn't exactly ask him to just start reading off whatever he was reading, so he swallows and stutters out a quick apology, flipping the page and squinting at the next poem instead]
[Ai's pulled on underwear and sleep shorts, and is about to do the same with a shirt when Rin begins reciting a passage. Ai of course listens intently, because it's Rin, and Ai's come to know how much these books of his mean to him. Ai felt it gave him a glimpse into Rin's psyche, both when he first moved in and now - and especially now, Ai finds it helpful.
... Or would, if he understood the words better. He finally pulls his shirt on - just a tad loose on him, and clearly well-loved - and moves to sit at his desk, plugging his phone in. Before settling in with a book of his own, nondescript with no markings on its spine, Ai turns his chair a little to look at Rin across the room. Shakes his head when he thinks he hears Rin apologize.]
What does it mean? [The passage, he means. In general, or to you?]
[he's not expecting ai to ask any follow ups on his unwarranted poetry slam, so rin just blinks back at him for a moment, before turning the page back to the passage he babbled off and squints for his spot. there. rin goes over it again once or twice, biting his lip]
A guy out at dusk, looking for something he's not even sure is there. Achy hands, rowing anyways. Feels a bit familiar huh?
[rin frowns, trying to think of how to word it]
Not even sure if there's anything in the water, chasing something you're not sure you'll catch. But you keep going. What else are you going to do yeah?
[training. chasing dreams that feel further away most days. mending relationships, without knowing if there's something to salvage. that rips a pang of fresh guilt through him, and he tries to shove it away. all the emotional exhaust of putting everything in, no guarantees of success or failure. rin bites his lip, trying to scoff and toss ai a skeptical glance across the room]
Not that I'm any literary genius or anything. You kinda always struck me more as that guy.
[Ai listens intently because anytime Rin divulges information on something he cares about, it's impossible for Ai not to. Even if Rin scoffs and bites his lip and tries to feign disinterest, Ai sees through the facade; maybe the passage itself was arbitrary, but the work it came from wasn't.
Arbitrary. Maybe not so much, once Rin puts it in a language Ai understands better. It makes his heart pang. Not in a way that was painful, reflective of the despair that has washed over him fourfold this day, but something different. More familiar, and tangible, and specific and close to home. The skeptical glance Rin tosses his way is met with an overly kind, almost rueful smile. Unstoppable force, immovable object.]
I see. [He cants his head to the side some,] That's the only option, isn't it? To keep rowing. [Almost as if he's imploring Rin on that one. I need you to trust me, too.] Don't need literary genius to decide that.
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Date: 2025-08-06 01:52 pm (UTC)In general Ai tried to stay in good contact with his parents; they were extremely busy people, but often at least tried to make time for him on the important things. Unable to escape their work responsibilities to come to Tokyo, Ai knew this call would be somewhat lengthy as they both asked for all the details. And he's of course happy to oblige; he's blessed to be able to say he and his parents are on very good terms. Even the times they don't know everything, it is almost as if that which is left unsaid isn't important. The perks of being an only child and Beloved First Son, he guesses.
Ai immediately wishes he'd caught them at a time where mom was still at work or vice versa, because they talk over each other near-constantly, making it impossible for Ai to get a word in edge-wise, let alone decipher the questions they're asking. Apparently Mikhail did text Ai's mother immediately after his qualifying heat, and his father brags about having bullied his coworkers into changing the station on their office TV in order to catch it live.
Who could have thought you could be so strong? he says. Ai blinks at his phone. It's partially his fault for leaving them in the dark, if he's honest; had been too embarrassed to reach out to his professional swimming uncle because he didn't feel proud of himself yet. Never told his parents his accolades from Samezuka because he didn't feel they were worthy enough of celebration yet. It only stands to reason they barely knew what he was capable of, and would be surprised he could accomplish something worthwhile after all.
"There were more people than just me in the lane is why." And speaking of important people who have changed his life-- Ai begins to apologize profusely for taking up their time, and his father is apologizing profusely back, and his mother is giving him all the wonderfully maternal if uninformed platitudes in the world at rapid speed, like don't overdo it! and please remember to eat three square meals a day! and I'll send you the nice beef from the market if you want it and nothing worth doing is ever easy, so please keep trying your best, Aiichirou! and say, honey, is your neck alright?--
Ai abruptly ends the call and throws the front door open, expression stuck mid-panic.
He isn't surprised to see the state Rin is in, only how quickly its onset had been. Ai hurriedly closes the door and toes off his shoes, pocketing his phone at record speed.
"Senpai?" he asks, like a moron, as if all the reasons Rin could be crying weren't painfully obvious. Ai approaches him, as if all his trepidation and complicated sentiment had been washed over by an instinct and habit four years under the whetting stone. Pauses when he sees the bowl of curry Rin's set out for him. Feels a small warmth bloom in his chest - and tries to fight off a small laugh at the mental image of Rin preparing this food through tears.
"That was kind of you, thank you." Whatever questions he had been about to bombard Rin with are waylaid; Ai enters the kitchen to scope out for a curry spoon, he knows he has one somewhere. Looks back to Rin as he does, "My parents both asked how you were doing, by the way. Dad especially seemed really impressed with your times today." The qualifying ones, but Aiichirou chooses not to specify the obvious. "They're both taken with you, it's sweet. I sometimes have to wonder who they're actually rooting for." The smile Ai flashes is genuine, if small. He knows he's historically been cagey about details of his home life (for no reason other than not thinking Rin would care very much) but it's present front of mind, and yet another way he can delay the inevitable. And so his mouth, it runs.
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Date: 2025-08-07 12:35 am (UTC)Maybe it gives off the appearance of mania, or maybe it's just some far gone comfort slowly settling back into the fray. Rin doesn't know, and Rin doesn't care. All he knows is he is trying to take in Ai's kind words relayed from his parents. They are too kind, truly. It's an obvious ploy to get him to stop whatever post wailing breathing exercises he was self participating in. But Rin finally swallows down the laughter, wiping his cheek with the back of his hand.
"They better be rooting for you. You're going to kill it." Rin smirks halfheartedly, pushing Ai's bowl towards him. "Might need to heat it back up, sorry. Was talking to Mom, and kind of got distracted." Those words really should say it all. Talking to Mom, because if Rin is on the phone with her one of two things happens.
One, he cries. Point blank.
Two, he fusses until he eventually hangs up and she's the one laughing herself to tears on the other end. It's a good equivalent exchange between them, a mutual understanding.
Rin tries shoving a spoonful of his own lukewarm food back into his mouth. It feels like swallowing a ball of sand, but he tries to force it down. Ai's parents are right about one thing, and that's staying in form for whatever is to come. Rin spares a glance over at Ai, sighing as a drop of curry splashes back into the bowl and he lets the spoon settle back in there for a bit.
"Your folks doing good though?" Offering Ai that room to run his mouth, be as uncagey as he wants with the details. Rin always liked it when Ai shared about his dog, after that first night back. It felt like a glimpse into a person he knew so little about at the end of the day.
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Date: 2025-08-07 12:52 am (UTC)It's why Rin didn't know about Mikhail's relation until Ai himself had climbed to a level to deem himself worthy of being related to someone who swam better than him. It's why he didn't deign to know Rin's friends any deeper until Sousuke proved to Ai that he was enough on his own, without the need of being someone else's shadow. All in time. Talking about his parents and his home life was just another facet of it all.
He finally finds his curry spoon and brings the bowl on top of the half-wall partition that separates the kitchen from the living space, standing up and using it as a makeshift table. After the amount of energy he's burned today, unlike Rin, Ai is happy to eat it all.
"It's fine like this," he intones, clearly more intent on shoveling food down his gullet than wasting another two seconds getting it a couple degrees warmer. Swallows around a bite and tells himself to slow down unless he wants to make himself sick, "How's Matsuoka-san doing? I'd thought of seeking out her and your sister before we left, but I didn't want to impose." Funny how he'd been so intimidated at the idea of meeting her, and when he finally had the shot, so many other things just-- overshadowed it. Ai wonders passively if he's left a good impression or not.
It's Ai's turn to stifle a laugh, watching Rin putz his food around like a picky kid. Not that he was, Ai knew him to have a good appetite and palate - still, it elicited that same familiarity in his chest. Maybe things can be alright after all.
He nods his head, "They're great. Just very busy, neither could make it out here to watch in person." Then laughs in that airy way of his, and bats the air in front of his face as if to get rid of something, "It's a little embarrassing how much they ask about you. Well, it makes sense, they know you're a phenomenal swimmer." Rin might remember Ai's parents from at least a few Regional competitions; he was a spitting image of his mother, and has seemingly inherited all the worst possible personality traits from both parents. His mother's tenacity, his father's affability.
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Date: 2025-08-07 03:28 am (UTC)It's not a lie. Rin is sure that she is worried right and left about him, even after being reassured on the phone that he is fine beyond being the baby he always is when they talk. But it's not the entire truth either. He watches Ai leave the kitchen, and shovel down food at a rate he doesn't think he's ever seen from his friend before. He laughs, pushing his own bowl to the side. It won't stay down if he eats much more anyways.
"Sounds like they watched you still?" Rin ventures a little farther, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly at the praise. It's equally nothing new, but hearing it from the whole family makes his skin prickle a little. He doesn't deserve it, not after today. Not after the kind of shit he's pulled on their son recently. Would they be so pleasant if they knew the truth?
He shoves the thought away, leaning his chin on his hand. It's easy to fall back into whatever routine they had before Rin dragged everything through the mud. But there's still some looming things that need to be said. But they both appear desperate enough to cast those things aside, and so Rin continues to brush it aside. Ai is too, so really he's not solely responsible at least. Rin tries to settle on another topic instead.
"Truth or dare?"
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Date: 2025-08-07 03:57 am (UTC)"Dad I guess has a television in his office, and mom was watching it from her hotel room." Ai doesn't want to think about the insane logistics that must go into broadcasting sporting events, and is only mildly surprised to think his heat was not only filmed, but his victory thereafter. Ai only remembers now that he screamed. It causes him to flush a little, suddenly shoving his chin and mouth into and behind the palm of his hand.
And then Rin chimes in. Ai doesn't mean to hit him with a really? by way of eyebrows raised to his hairline and eyes otherwise dead on arrival, but. Ai for his part can't tell how much of it is Rin being cheeky versus trying to toe the line of the stuff Ai wishes he could instead throw out the window. He weighs his options sincerely; it's more likely Rin might ask something sensitive, so Ai figures his response is an obvious one.
"Dare." Despite his reservations, he pouts. "I thought we finished in the car."
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Date: 2025-08-07 04:21 am (UTC)Rin smiles softly, tracing the edge of his bowl with one finger. It's not quite a sad smile, but it's not very happy either. Weighted more than anything else. Well, he'll be kind enough. There's not enough money in the world that could make him be cruel again to Ai. Not intentionally, at the very least.
"Okay. Dare, huh." Rin reiterates, tilting his head a little where it rests on his hand.
"I dare you to tell me the last time you talked to Haru. Alone." It's an open ended question. One that is open for interpretation. Ai could lie and say it was at Samezuka all those years ago. But Rin had some inkling that they spoke. Haru went from cold and hands off after whatever he was staring at with Ai and Rin's neck to kind and even touching Rin.
But Rin quickly tacks on.
"But you can tell me to piss off too, and ask something else. I'm not gonna force anything out of you. Especially after everything else I've done." His tone is still gentle, trying to be understanding. So it doesn't spiral into whatever the last time they tried to have a "talk" was.
"Your call, dude."
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Date: 2025-08-07 04:42 am (UTC)His hands press up the length of his face and into his hair and back down his neck, hands uncomfortably clasped on either side of his nape, elbows on the countertop. It is clearly evident he doesn't want to have this conversation, but... He, too, knows he could lie. Or tell Rin to shove it. Ai has the authority to choose myriad ways of getting out of it, prime among them telling Rin to move out. Then this would all be permanently behind them, surely. But he knows it isn't the responsible answer; it doesn't accomplish much other than cowardice.
Prematurely anticipating dredging up the remnants of fresh memories he had just forgotten for all of two minutes, Ai relents.
"Right before my qualifier," comes his stable answer. His eyes are even on Rin, even if Ai wants to look anywhere but. But he has some amount of internal need for Rin to understand all that had transpired and all that he does and says now are only in good faith, despite everything. "We bumped into each other out in the hallway."
His fingers curl against his nape. Rin didn't ask for more than that, but Ai knows it's his onus to deliver, so he might as well.
"I saw the way he was looking at me... At us. I couldn't stand it anymore. And I only told him two things." Ai shrugs. Resigned. "That what he thinks happened between us isn't important. And that if he reached out to you, he wouldn't regret it. Those were my exact words."
He leaves out the deeper parts. How he saw an opportunity to drive a nail into his own foot but chose it anyway because it was the right thing to do. Or in the flowery language he used with Sousuke, I'll never be the reason Rin-senpai's smile goes away. Absolutely never. For the better; following his words, Ai's brain immediately kicks into overdrive, trying to preemptively guard against whatever possible reaction Rin might have. Anger that Ai spoke on his behalf? Justified. Upset that Ai meddled? Justified. Horrified Ai would bother with such a thing minutes before his heat? Justified. All at once, the remaining food in his bowl is wholly unappetizing.
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Date: 2025-08-07 03:18 pm (UTC)His shoulders sag a little, as he sighs.
Rin pulls the hand from his chin, pinching the bridge of his nose. All before he stalks off to stand near Ai. He gives him a look, the expression on his face not quite clear. And then Rin leans down, and flicks Ai right in the forehead.
"That's for lying to him, and saying it wasn't important."
Rin's tone is slightly rigid, but far from exasperated or angry. Maybe just the tiniest tone of annoyed. He pulls himself back again, stuffing one hand into his pocket with a huff.
"You've got to get better about what people think. Especially what people think about me. I'm an adult who makes shit choices sometimes. But they're my decisions. The only thing about any of that that sucks is... is how much I hurt your feelings."
Sure, Rin's grateful Haru closed that distance. The one both of them had put up together. But seeing Ai gut himself over it isn't great either.
"So... I'm sorry."
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Date: 2025-08-07 03:37 pm (UTC)"But it wasn't." His eyebrows lower. "Not in a way that mattered, and not in a way that mattered specifically to Nanase-san." Ai really doesn't want to spell it out: what they did was purely carnal. For Rin it served a purpose. Ai learned the hard way only after the fact that room for it to serve something deeper, something important was a gross miscalculation on his part. For him to sit here and have Rin try to tell him that's wrong nearly has Ai indignant and beside himself.
But he relents. Even if he still disagrees with what's coming out of Rin's mouth, but Ai can put technicalities aside long enough to recognize Rin's trying to dig at something broader.
"It's okay." He means it, even if he doesn't feel it. Ai knows with time that'll come. Still, he shakes his head, and leans on the partition with his elbows, no longer feeling a need to so directly confront Rin anymore, "But you're underestimating me, Rin-senpai. Whatever Nanase-san or anyone else thinks of you isn't my business, and what they think of me I can fix with time." His voice grows just a little smaller.
"I had an opportunity to help, and I took it. That's all." He shifts his weight some, turning his cheek away from Rin; seems he's hit his quota for his backbone. "And I'd do it again, a thousand times over. Because I saw and felt firsthand exactly what it was doing to you."
He takes in a breath.
"You can be upset at me for interfering. Unfortunately, on this one, I'm not going to apologize."
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Date: 2025-08-07 03:56 pm (UTC)At least Ai (maybe? somewhat?) accepts his apology, affirming it's okay even if Rin still feels like garbage over it. He'll keep professing it probably until the day he dies, or the day Ai is so sick of hearing it he blocks him out entirely. Who's to say which would come first? It just makes him feel worse the more Ai's voice shrinks as his words carry on.
But then again, he should feel like shit for it. If he'd known what he did, he never would have--
It's Rin's turn to try to make himself small. His arms fold on the counter, and he presses his face against them. His brows are twisted, his mouth the same though graciously hidden by his arms. He's not mad at Ai, far from it. Conversation sucks, all of this does. And it's Rin's fault they have to do any of it to begin with, so he might as well face the music. At least he's keeping himself tempered this time, not exploding at someone who definitely doesn't deserve it.
"...and what exactly was it doing?" Rin mutters into his arm, glaring at one of the bowls at the counter. Before immediately skipping right into the next topic.
"Not asking for an apology. It's my fault anyways. I'm the one who's sorry for all of this to begin with. I spun out and dragged you and Sousuke down and I'm sorry."
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Date: 2025-08-07 04:23 pm (UTC)He can almost feel it, the way a shadow creeps between the both of them and begins to build upward, brick by brick. The longer it spans on, the more Ai tries to shield himself, the taller the wall gets. He so badly doesn't want to talk about it anymore - doesn't want to seem as if he's rubbing Rin's nose in it, doesn't want to keep reminding himself he's third best. All the deprecating truths that were already on repeat in his head like a horrible chorus. But for Rin's sake, he articulates it one last time, voice even and calm if a bit distant, matching Rin's suddenly solemn energy.
"You pulled away." Ai grips his arms, leans to one side some. "I had my suspicions when you first arrived, and that night," that night, "I had them confirmed. You hadn't isolated that badly since we'd first met."
His tongue feels thick like molasses; he has to take a second to swallow it down, loosen it up enough to get the god damn words out.
"I knew it wasn't good when you lashed out. And I had a sense of exactly how bad it was when we touched." His eyes slip closed, eyebrows knit together. "... And I knew why when I couldn't tell whose name you were calling."
Ai hates how quickly and immediately it makes his eyes prick; stubbornly, he presses a knuckle to his duct, staying them for now. "I did everything. I gave all of me. And yet still, Nanase-san accomplished in minutes what I'd tried to do for weeks.
"He brought your smile back.
"... So that's why." Ai sits up and off the countertop, back to Rin. His shame, his uselessness hangs over him like a fog. His voice suddenly booms, stubborn and pivoting hard in an obvious attempt to outrun those feelings, "And no, I don't regret it. Not one part of it. And I take you exactly as you are, Rin-senpai. You didn't scare me four years ago, you didn't last month, and you don't now. Every single part of you is part of someone who,"
He has to pause to take a deeeep breath.
"-- Who I consider one of my best friends. It's what friends do."
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Date: 2025-08-08 02:42 am (UTC)Messy realizations curdling into an agonizing truth. That you can apologize a thousand times, and it won't make things better. You can wistfully hope that you could go back in time, make it so things never happened. But it's cruel to hope for things that can't ever happen.
Rin bites his lip, his gaze twisting towards the countertop. Because he can't deny the truth in Ai's words. He pulled away, from everything. His friends, his family, himself. His hand drops to his side, fist curling. But not out of anger, or wanting to hit something. Just the sheer, dizzying anguish of what he's done, the things he's drudged up for Ai and the pain he's caused countless people in the fallout.
He brought your smile back.
It would be so easy for Rin to argue that Haru was the one to take it away in the first place. But wouldn't that be a lie? Rin was the one who went to Australia, Rin was the one who didn't fight harder... For the thousandth time today, Rin's tears slip out, dribbling onto the countertop.
A split second decision, a selfishly fueled one, caused all of this. If Rin had just taken his space and left, if Rin had just not done everything he'd done... would Ai be hurting the same way? Would Sousuke? Would Rin be living in ignorant bliss of his friend's feelings towards him, casually draping himself over them and playfully flirting like he'd always done before?
"I..." He doesn't finish the sentence.
It's what friends do.
It would be cruel to try to touch Ai right now, hug him, or squeeze his wrist. Ai's back is turned to him, and Rin doesn't try to push the matter. No turn around damnits or any other demands. Just the soft drip of tears, and sniffles echoing in the kitchen.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
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Date: 2025-08-08 03:19 am (UTC)He wore his heart on his sleeve, often not caring how much or how little his friends watched him cry. But he couldn't in front of Sousuke earlier, because knowing he'd see that reflected back at him if Sousuke saw the extent of it had Ai turning his back for Sousuke's sake. And it was the same now, not wanting his countenance to betray the words he so badly needs Rin to hear, and to understand, and to know are true. I don't regret any of it. You don't scare me. It's what friends do.
But the shame is what has him standing like that in a prolonged silence even after Rin professes his grief for the seventeenth time in as many chimes. Because all of this would have been so much easier, so much less messy if Ai could have just stayed in his lane.
Furiously, Ai wipes at his face. He may not have Haruka's magic, or hold the weight to be able to make Rin's day brighter by just existing, but the least Ai could do was try and not let this day end on such a depressing note. So it's in spite of his face being reddened and tear-stained that he turns back around, pushing against his eye with his palm one last time, and doing his god damned best to croak a smile up from anywhere he can think to make it organic. Thinks of the way Rin smiled when among all of his friends. Of his cheer when he won his first qualifier. Of the car ride.
"It's okay," he repeats, with that same gentle, unconditional knowing. It wasn't really Ai's modus to be the one to bridge physical contact, but he knows how Rin communicates, and he's still human, and the wall between them is cold. He leans forward, enough to be able to touch and squeeze Rin's wrist, as if to try and bring him back to reality. That, and maybe silently affirm that Ai meant what he had said days ago: please don't treat me any differently.
"It's no good to worry about the things we can't change." Forces his smile brighter, tries to make his sniff quiet. "Rin-senpai, you cleared two qualifiers. You're a shoe-in for the Olympic team." He really doesn't have the energy or capacity to force himself to be jovial, but he still does it anyway. It's all he knows: endure. "Even I," and despite the rest of him, Ai still has to shake his head in disbelief, "Someone like me could manage it, too. We've got a lot of hard work cut out ahead of us, but."
So much more he wants to say, in vain or otherwise. But his throat constricts tightly and his bottom lip begins losing its composure-- so he turns his back again. And groans, clearly frustrated with himself.
"I'll have to quit my job," comes a muddied, wet laugh.
no subject
Date: 2025-08-09 11:58 pm (UTC)It seems like such a distant memory now. The fresh rawness of everything else tumbling down around them. Ai's fingers tight around his wrist. Rin almost jerks away, rebuttals that he doesn't deserve the kindness surrounding the gesture. His throat feels hot, his face hurts as it screws up, trying to fight it all down.
"Right." He manages to spit out, using his free hand to scrub his face dry, or at least make a pathetic attempt towards it. "You worked your ass off too. It's going to be hard." He's just trying to chug along through this conversation, ignoring the tremors he can feel traveling up his arm. Whether they're from him or Ai, he can't say for certain.
It's so easy to say don't focus on the obvious. It's harder still to actually follow through. The elephant in the room glowering, ever present, but they're tip toeing around it like it never existed to begin with. He tries to utter sympathetic words for Ai having to quit his job. He thinks Ai likes it well enough at least, the times he's seen him there.
"That's shit." His voice feels hollow, trying to keep his voice level. "...do you think they'll let you come back after this is all over?" Even though there's no real timeline. There's qualifying matches all over the world, training camps, olympics themselves, it's a fast paced lifestyle. Rin is sure he doesn't even begin to grasp it quite yet.
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Date: 2025-08-10 12:17 am (UTC)For the second time he turns around, and unlike before actually does seem a bit calmed down. He will become a professional at ignoring that elephant, god damnit. Ai will be the one to ride it back out into the wilderness and get it out of the room. He will tamp it all down, drywall and spackle and buff and paint it all-- because a minute ago, it was just him and his hurt. But now?
Yeah. The Olympic team. It was more than just Rin, and more still than Haruka. If Ai didn't get his shit together, he risked complicating things for at least four people. The only clear option was to try and get over himself, in whatever ways possible.
It started here. If Rin thinks he can get Ai to expose himself a third time, he's a fool. This time, I absolutely won't fail.
"I don't know if I'd want to," he answers honestly, voice still a bit wet but his cadence is even. Leans against the wall a little; just standing there in front of Rin was a bit awkward, and Ai was now so full of pent-up emotional energy it manifested in his body needing somewhere to go or something to do. "I want to see how far into this world I can bring myself."
-- but there's still that little nag. An instinct of his he can't conveniently kill. Ai looks through wet eyelashes at Rin, eyebrows knit in that sympathetic way of his. His voice that familiar tone - calm, and pointed, and aggravatingly selfless.
"Are you going to be alright, senpai?"
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Date: 2025-08-11 02:44 am (UTC)Rin tries to force his breathing to even out, for Ai's sake. Definitely not for his own.
"You will." His voice is stern, startling even himself as he forces himself to look at Ai best he can. Blinking away the tears furiously rubbing at the wet marks trailing down his cheeks. He smiles, twisting his hand in such a way to squeeze his fingers over Ai's. Trying to return that gentle reassurance in anyway he can, without being overtly affectionate. Ai may have said don't treat me differently but Rin will still overthink it everytime.
After all, he knows the feeling well.
"If there's anyone who's fucking stamina can make it in the big leagues, it's yours. One hundred percent." Rin smirks halfheartedly, letting the contact cease and pulling himself back a little bit. He needs something to do, so he gathers his own bowl up, tossing out the remains and begins handwashing it in the sink, enjoy the flood of warm water (maybe too hot) singing his skin. A small reprieve. A small feeling of something other than whatever this awkward string he's weaved is.
"Yeah. I'll be alright." He flashes a soft smile at Ai. "I will be."
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Date: 2025-08-11 03:09 am (UTC)That's kind of you to say. [Rin's absconded to the sink, and Ai needs to clean up his bowl too, so he starts doing exactly that, scraping the small bit of food he couldn't finish into the garbage and waiting for Rin to free up at the sink to do the same,] Maybe next time I can try for the IM. It wasn't in the cards this year.
It's something else to look forward to and work toward. Ai's realized that much today, and especially tonight: if he doesn't broaden his network and his purview, he's in trouble. If he doesn't, he has the potential to compromise Rin, too. That he simply wouldn't be able to forgive himself over.
Rin's reassurance lands, and Ai's smile grows a little. He believes Rin in that he'll be alright; he has to. In the same way Rin has to blindly trust Ai will be alright, too. What eats at Ai is the thought of his place in Rin's life effectively being inverted. Having once been the solver, but now the problem. And who is out there to salve over Rin's wounds this time? To help him be alright?
There is still so much more to say, or to ask. None of it relevant to the actual milestones of the evening. Ai wonders how much of it even matters; if a month, a year from now he or the both of them will look back on this evening in their kitchen and look at their past selves with some level of embarrassment and disdain. Is it worth solving if it was worth breaking?
But that's my fault. So it's on me to do something about it.
He waits for access to the sink, and rather unceremoniously mumbles,] I think I'll take a shower and turn in early.
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Date: 2025-08-11 02:26 pm (UTC)[rin finishing cleaning his own bowl, gesturing to ai to hand it to him so he can do the same. might as well since he's here. he thinks, with a little jealous, about how haru was always going on and on about only swimming free. and then decided to just hop in and do the individual medley to swim with ikuya again. maybe that stings a little that haru swam butterfly for someone else first but--
eh. details]
Yeah. Go for it.
[rin grabs at ai's bowl this time, to clean it, turning the scalding water down a bit to spare ai some hot water. after such a long, messy day? he needs it. rin will get there eventually. maybe in the middle of the night. maybe he'll go out for a run first. no, scratch that. bad idea. leg, right. he shakes his head, nodding in ai's direction]
I think you need that after today.
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Date: 2025-08-11 02:43 pm (UTC)It pushes you to your limit... That's how I feel, anyway. I have a strong start, but I feel I could be doing something better with my energy. For someone like me, the IM is a good fit. [He remembers their first year, feeling so down on himself that he couldn't qualify for the IM or for breast, meanwhile Rin who had accolades to spare kneecapped himself to only the free 100m. At the time, Ai didn't get it-- at the time he was jealous, frustrated even. Now--
Now he supposes, in hindsight, not much has really changed. Only the reasons whyfor.
He's keen not to let his thoughts spiral for a tenth time tonight, so leans away from the counter and begins shuffling his feet toward the shower room.]
We both do. [Doesn't even want to touch whatever the hell might be going through Rin's head with a ten foot pole, and shocking even himself, Ai is too tired to try. He rounds the corner to the shower room door,] I'll leave you some hot water, [and disappears inside.
Clothes off, water frigid ice cold. He didn't need to punish himself anymore - what he needed was a wakeup call. He spends the first ten minutes sobbing his heart out (quietly, politely,) the next ten committing to memory the sensation of the water pricking his skin like a thousand icy needles, and the next ten actually washing off.]
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Date: 2025-08-11 04:16 pm (UTC)he yanks his hand back, near slamming the faucet off and staring down at the red skin, before letting his gaze trail back towards the bathroom. it's all he can do to just not follow ai in there, and ask what the hell his problem is.
rin pushes his hand through his hair. deep breaths. deep breaths. he tries not to think, as he turns the sink off, that it sounds faintly like choked back somethings, because it's not his business and he can't impose. so rin does what rin does best, and just makes a cup of ai's favorite tea, setting it on the counter. he looks at it bitterly for a moment, thinking of the cup he shattered in his recklessness, wondering if it perhaps meant something to ai or was just another thing. rin bites his lip.
no. there's no such thing as just another thing, and he thinks dimly like he treated ai like that during that heated moment.
ai wants his space. so rin gives it to him. he glances back at his jacket, temptation flooding him to just get out, leave. go run until his heart is slamming so hard against his chest it feels like there's something there beyond whatever dull ache is throbbing. but he knows that's reckless and stupid, so he forces himself to sit on the couch, grab whatever book is closest to him (poems of the goat ugh. it works) and try forcing his nose between the pages.
it does little to dull the throbbing ache. he smacks his forehead with the book a few times. come on rin fucking matsuoka. don't tank. you're going to the olympics it's all you ever wanted. who cares about everyone else? and oh he hates that little inner voice that pops up every now and again. the one that plagued him first year, and all those years in australia as a kid. the one that said to push everyone away.
he grits his teeth, digging the book into his face a little harder]
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Date: 2025-08-11 05:01 pm (UTC)Except the moment he steps over the threshold back into the apartment, it is as if there is a deep, oppressive darkness radiating from where Rin is on the couch. Despite himself and his attempts at composure, that instinct of his has blue eyes leveled on Rin as if to try and ascertain him - something he maybe should have done earlier.
Ultimately, though, he makes the same choice. Doesn't prod, doesn't ask - just turns back into his far corner of the apartment, a lump coalescing in his throat and plummeting with record speed down into his gut. All at once, Ai is doing familiar mental gymnastics, the specific steps and dance required to toe the line between getting a read on Rin without making it worse. I don't like this.
At his bed side Ai drops his towel and begins to fish out clean clothes. And as if to try and deduce exactly the level of keep away he should be playing, Ai breaks the thick tension in the air with a question so vapid his ploy is probably obvious,]
What are you reading?
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Date: 2025-08-11 05:08 pm (UTC)he's so deep in trying to pretend he's fine and engrossed with this book, that he almost misses ai speaking entirely. he pulls the book up a bit, squinting, his lips screwed up a little]
Nakahara. Guy was weird, but kind of a brilliant writer.
[rin tries letting his eyes land on a random excerpt, and reads it out loud the syllables rolling off his tongue]
Then evening came, and I thought this world is like an ocean. I imagined that watery expanse at dusk, where a haggard boatman rows. Those unsteady hands, looking if there's fish or not he passes by staring at the surface.
[rin straightens up a little, realizing ai didn't exactly ask him to just start reading off whatever he was reading, so he swallows and stutters out a quick apology, flipping the page and squinting at the next poem instead]
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Date: 2025-08-11 05:18 pm (UTC)... Or would, if he understood the words better. He finally pulls his shirt on - just a tad loose on him, and clearly well-loved - and moves to sit at his desk, plugging his phone in. Before settling in with a book of his own, nondescript with no markings on its spine, Ai turns his chair a little to look at Rin across the room. Shakes his head when he thinks he hears Rin apologize.]
What does it mean? [The passage, he means. In general, or to you?]
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Date: 2025-08-12 12:06 am (UTC)A guy out at dusk, looking for something he's not even sure is there. Achy hands, rowing anyways. Feels a bit familiar huh?
[rin frowns, trying to think of how to word it]
Not even sure if there's anything in the water, chasing something you're not sure you'll catch. But you keep going. What else are you going to do yeah?
[training. chasing dreams that feel further away most days. mending relationships, without knowing if there's something to salvage. that rips a pang of fresh guilt through him, and he tries to shove it away. all the emotional exhaust of putting everything in, no guarantees of success or failure. rin bites his lip, trying to scoff and toss ai a skeptical glance across the room]
Not that I'm any literary genius or anything. You kinda always struck me more as that guy.
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Date: 2025-08-12 12:53 am (UTC)Arbitrary. Maybe not so much, once Rin puts it in a language Ai understands better. It makes his heart pang. Not in a way that was painful, reflective of the despair that has washed over him fourfold this day, but something different. More familiar, and tangible, and specific and close to home. The skeptical glance Rin tosses his way is met with an overly kind, almost rueful smile. Unstoppable force, immovable object.]
I see. [He cants his head to the side some,] That's the only option, isn't it? To keep rowing. [Almost as if he's imploring Rin on that one. I need you to trust me, too.] Don't need literary genius to decide that.
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