[Ai's sat on the couch when Rin returns, flashing him an amicable smile once he makes his approach. Of course, it's all still on Ai's mind, too; it's hard not to be. They're stil relatively in the thick of it, even if initial panic has subsided. More than that, he can tell whatever conversation Rin's had must've gotten under his skin some; Rin had a propensity to run when under stress, literally and figuratively. Given how long he'd been out, it's easy to surmise Rin was trying to blow off steam. It's also incredibly hard to miss the stress in his shoulders.
Were this a month earlier, he might've offered to help Rin stretch out. Or would have taken the liberty of getting those cool-hot patches himself and slapping one or two on his calf. None of it comes to fruition now; Ai just leans a bit more into the arm rest to make more room for Rin, should he wish to stretch out. Ai for his part is sitting with his legs crossed.
He silently places the remote on Rin's knee, letting him drive. And maybe it's a bit of a preemptive olive branch, since Ai is about to ask a question he knows Rin likely wants to just shelve for now:]
It's alright, better to pay these kinds of things full attention. [His eyebrows furrow, just a little.] Were you able to learn anything new? Did Mikhail-ojiisan reach out after all?
[it's true. he wants nothing more than to shove all of this aside. it brings those hot wells of shame, despite the reassurances of his coach--who obviously has an inkling more than he's letting on. and rin tries not to dwell on that either]
Yeah, we talked for a while.
[now rin is deciding how much to lean into. he wasn't fond of how mikhail discussed his nephew, like he was a mere blip in their existence. so obviously that bit is getting tossed out the window in terms of discussion. as for everything else? rin bites his lip, putting a pause in the stretching to take the remote off his knees, and turn it over between his fingers. back and forth]
Nothing new. Just the same old shit.
[he scoffs out that last bit, staring pointedly at the floor]
I've got... a few options. But nothing solid until they release whatever they're releasing. Then decide on nothing, or...[rin sighs, pushing the remote against his forehead for a minute] do something. It just depends on the shit they say. That's it.
[Rin is thinking way too hard for Ai to trust what comes out of his mouth is the full truth - it's obvious he's filtering something, choosing words wisely. Either because he didn't like hearing whatever he heard, or to protect Ai from something. But this, too, wasn't new; if Ai threw a fit every time Rin minced his words, Ai would have been classified as a national menace and probably put on exile.
So he lets it go. If and when Rin was ready to discuss it, he would. Rin's got a point anyway that Ai can't refute: there wasn't even anything actionable to do or not do until the piece came out. Until such a time, it's all they can do to continue on as normal.
And so Ai relents, easily at that. He sinks back into the couch a little, choosing to relax. Relax among chaos; relax among Rin. Both things he doesn't think he's allowed himself in at least a cumulative five weeks. Probably only allowing himself now as the consequences of not having done so sooner manifested this morning and taught him a harsh lesson.
The way Rin's pressed the remote to his forehead... Ai smiles stupidly, looks down to the tv screen. It's bad to think it's cute, but I can't help it. Ai bites his bottom lip to stay that thought.]
Then! No sense stressing over it anymore, right? I'm sure my uncle will follow up with me once he has his ducks in a row, too. [He shifts his knee just enough to bump against Rin's ankle.] It'll be rare for us to know peace once training camps start up; we have to seize what bits of it we can get now. [Ai then gestures with his hand,] You can drive.
[rin huffs, slumping back against the couch, deeming his leg thoroughly stretched out or whatever. even if he doesn't buy it for a second in his own head, still reeling over the shit mikhail said. but... something bothers him. something that makes rin grit his teeth. he misses the way ai is staring at him pressing the remote against his face. he's about to start scrolling their streaming service, find something so ridiculously stupid that they can just both laugh at it.
and well. rin matsuoka is rin matsuoka. and has a big mouth]
Why didn't you ever ask your uncle to coach you?
[he blurts out suddenly. there's a moment of realization as he whips his gaze over to ai. and realizes what can of worms he just dove into. and the remote clatters to the floor. his jaw tightens, he's not angry. he's just confused, frustrated. over everything. why does mikhail regard ai like he's something not important? why did that conversation feel so sour when it came to ai's feelings? rin doesn't even know what ai--if ai--said anything to his uncle about what transpired.
he seems to notice his momentary slip up and bites his lip, tearing his gaze back towards the carpet]
[The question itself really isn't anything big or bombastic - in fact, Ai thinks he touched on it lightly once before, kind of. What gets him is the way Rin looks as if he's burned himself just by asking. Was trying to engage with Ai that painful? Was the conversation Rin had with Mikhail that bad? Questions Ai knows if he thinks on too long, he'll start gnashing his teeth the exact same way Rin currently is. So he does what he does best: tries to disarm, shooting a somewhat rueful smile Rin's way with a gentle shake of his head.]
I like when you ask me things. [I like when you talk to me. He knows Rin's not really fishing for reassurance, but Ai offers it freely anyway; turns a little, even, to face him better. He follows Rin's gaze down to the carpet for a moment, before settling on Rin's eyes again, trying to keep the floor open where Rin thinks he's closed it up.]
Well... I was pretty embarrassed, to be honest. He's a world-class swimmer, and I was the slowest on our team. I didn't tell you about him for these reasons, and I didn't ask him for help for those same reasons. If I was meant to be in this same world as you, I wanted to get there my own way.
[He shrugs a little with one shoulder.]
And by the time I thought it'd be a good idea, he'd already taken you. Of course, he knows none of this; Mikhail-oyaji loves me very much, but I'm sure from his perspective, it seems like I'm giving him a cold shoulder. I can't blame him for thinking that.
[It's Ai's turn for his eyes to flit down to the carpet, expression further away for that moment.]
He knows we're close, though. And he saw me swim yesterday, so he knows I've grown, too. But... If you're asking whether or not I know what's going on in his head, I'm afraid I can't give you a good answer.
[deep down he knows. he knows the way ai lights up when rin asks him things. it's something he's been setting out to do ever since he arrived back here, ever since they adopted this roommate status. he nods, swallowing down the relieved words that want to bubble out so desperately. just letting ai talk it all out]
...right.
[he remembers a bit of this, but wanted to hand the floor over to ai to explain everything. put whatever he likes into perspective. he just wants to listen. rin doesn't know ai's family dynamics. he feels like...mikhail has some very interesting concepts of love.
what kind of love extends to his nephew then?]
Nah, not asking you to explain anything for him. Was just curious.
[It was funny, Ai thinks. Rin sought to figure out Ai's mind more when his own was a mess - thinks to the many times Rin interjected when Ai had been minding his business, sought to reach a mutual accord when he deigned something important enough to him. And then distance happened; and space. And other people. Ai is no better, seemingly unsure of how to approach Rin with things of sensitive natures at all... Though that, perhaps, is something more fresh. He trusted Rin; he just didn't trust himself anymore.
Ai leans off the couch to pick up the remote quietly and without fuss, handing it back to Rin as if he had never dropped it at all.
And then wonders.
And wonders enough that it winds up tripping off his tongue, as if the idea of him taking up any amount of Rin's brainspace was a foreign concept to begin with,] What had you curious? Did my uncle say something?
[his fingers curl around the remote. it seems like such an out of place thing in their relationship. rin can't remember the last time they just sat on the couch like this, watching tv like it was nothing. and wasn't he just mucking this up too? bringing up shit that didn't matter, and clearly was making ai overthink things because--
did my uncle say something?
rin squeezes the plastic between his fingertips. like it could somehow vanquish all his problems at the drop of a hat. why does his gut feel like it's sinking, and everything is back at square one?]
It--
[it would be so easy to lie again. it's nothing. but he's already slipped up once today with something ai construes as a lie of some kind. rin's lip quivers a little, before he bites down on it. the small nick of pain blossoming from the gesture does him in. no. he won't.]
[Ai isn't surprised by the reply. How could he be, with how cagey and distant Rin has been since he came home? A familiar feeling crawls up his spine, a gently roiling heat that tricks itself up one vertebrae at a time, manifesting squarely in his chest as--
Frustration. The kind that leaves him balking a little at Rin with a vague scoff that he bites back. And then bites his lip, too. Because the last time he got frustrated with Rin and said something about it, well.
He takes a slow, calming breath. Exhales it evenly through his nose. And then very emphatically leans forward a little, enough to be able to rest his hand on Rin's outer shin. Stroke his thumb over the fabric there. Ai really didn't engage with physical contact, usually, but feels he needs to cross that boundary to ground Rin.
And maybe, too, to soften the blow:]
And? [he implores, incredulous.] Rin-senpai, I'm not fragile. You won't break me by saying something I won't want to hear. [His eyebrows knit.] I'm-- I need you to at least try and trust me a little.
[it's not like he means to shoot a look over at ai. rin doesn't even know what kind of expression he's making at the inquiry. i'm not fragile. he wants to hiss and spit that of course he fucking knows that. neither of them are, despite whatever public opinion might befall them. but they're still two kids (young adults but) who are navigating through some shit even people twice or three times their age never experienced.
where's the white picket fence, and perfect dream job and spouse and kids and? rin swallows--hard--trying to force honesty out of himself. because as jaded as he is in the art of being honest, he's not with himself and maybe even less so when the possibility of hurting another is on the table. rin fucking whines and his hand drops to squeeze the edge of the couch cushion]
I trust you. More than fucking anything.
[truth at its core. haru, sousuke, his family--nothing can compare to whatever friendship he's cultivated over the years with ai, seeing the darkest parts of him and allowing only ai to bring him back from that brink. he may have swam the relay with haru, but ai was the first one there after rin fucked up]
He said you were a complicated circumstance. Said people make mistakes, and fuck shit up when they're on... breaks.
[that last word is sour on his tongue]
Sounded like he was implying you're nothing special. And that's not... it's not true!! Jesus, fucking christ. I fucked up, okay?? I can't punish myself enough for it, but now they're punishing you too. This fucking sucks. You're my best friend, and I--
[there. he says it. he's known it. sousuke and haru are there. but it takes a special kind of person to go through the shit they have. it takes everything in him to not throw something across the room, just focusing on ai's hand on his shin]
I trust you more than anyone. And I'm sorry for monumentally fucking it up. Like I don't even feel like I can do-- [his shin spasms a little under ai's hand, but before ai can yank his hand back, rin slaps his hand over ai's to keep it there] --something like this without hurting your feelings or feeling like I'm leading you on. I hate this.
[It is a testament to Ai's tenacity and presence of mind that he can take every single word, every flinch, every movement, and weather it all without once looking away from Rin. Ai's eyes are steady on him, almost imploring; if Rin hesitated, Ai waited for him to spit it out, because he trusted it'd come.
As it always does, at these impasses, it comes in waves.
He feels his pulse quicken at the relay of his uncle's words; Ai isn't surprised to hear it. He hasn't given his uncle the chance to think otherwise. But it isn't that, it's--
You're my best friend. It catches on his brow line, suddenly knit into a complicated and confused wedge, as if Rin ever having once quantified Ai as such a thing was uncalled for. Third best, that was the script Ai understood well. Knew Haru to be something undefinable, something bigger; had thought Sousuke to take up that particular moniker, what with how he and Rin had a bond forged in both flames and time.
There's also the shame, alight for just a moment. There and gone, a phantom on his countenance. Because best friend also implies end of the line and every reiteration of the obvious has a tendency to make his blood run cold. If there is even one regret he has in this lifetime, more than anything, it's not having kept his mouth shut. Because maybe then Rin wouldn't be struggling to relay all of this to him, and wouldn't be gripping his hand like a lifeline, and wouldn't be saying that--]
Rin-senpai, [he leads emphatically, though Rin can likely feel the way Ai's hand betrays his otherwise steeled expression, knuckle twitching against Rin's skin,] that's simply not possible.
[His lips form on words that all start out just a hair too self-deprecating, I'm not delusional prime among them. But he can recognize when Rin's on the verge of spiraling, and is keen to bring them back from the edge, even if it means shooting himself in the foot. Does it to prove it to Rin as much as himself: weasels his palm enough to upturn it and lead Rin's hand away from his leg. Holds it gently between both his own. Flexes Rin's fingers under his thumbs, smooths them over the tops of his knuckles. Gentle.
And then continues,]
If you didn't worry about it when we met, you shouldn't worry about it now. Because nothing's changed. [He lets go of Rin's hand with one of his own; keeps the other open-palmed, thumb feather-light on top of Rin's knuckles still, letting him choose if he rescinds.] You're-- To me, that's-- Rather... [He takes a small breath, huffed softly from his lips. He just has to spit it out--]
... As we are, it's enough. [His voice grows quieter, but even still, Ai doesn't turn his eyes away.] I don't even want to put words to it, it's so inconsequential. [It'd hurt too much.] So please. If I'm not worried, you shouldn't be either.
I'll prove my uncle wrong. That just comes with time. And... If necessary, I'll prove you wrong, too. Because I'm not scared of you, and you shouldn't be, either.
[there's some choking sensation. the realization that rin hates all of this.
there's some silent, unspoken plea with whatever nonexistent god took his dad away and made him a fucking loser in australia, to quit the jokes. to let him have a do-over for something in his miserable existence for once. he would never have shattered that teacup, the one thing that held together all the spindly pieces of their friendship, all over the fucking floor. watching ai clean up that mess, every mess. clean up the mess that is rin matsuoka time and time again. something in him sours. something he isn't sure he's felt since that night. and once again, he's bubbling in that self destructive endlessness.
self control is a blessing. or maybe it's the way ai takes his hand between his own, knowing all the signs are there of rin's spiral. but why does rin need something like soothing gestures and sweet nothings like this? he fucking hates it. he wants to spit as much, but merely swallows it down. self loathing. agonizing deprecation. it's all present, and flooding every orifice. only tapered by the quiet, soft fingertips mapping out nothings on him.
it seems an effective method, because rin tries to remember. 1...breathe in. 2... breathe out. 3... rinse. wash. repeat. his lip suffers some small assault from his teeth, but it's a barely there thing. or at least something he barely notices.
because nothing's changed. and doesn't that just make that piece of shit feeling fester further? even if he tries to not let it manifest, it's there. ever present. ever looming. rin jerks his gaze away as ai's voice drops, he can feel those sky blue eyes burning a hole in him. reassuring as always. his lip shakes a little]
You better fucking prove him wrong. And me. I'll be waiting.
[rin settles on, spitting the words out practically. to him that's what mattered most out of this conversation. that dig that he felt was wrongly deserved, despite everything. despite all of rin's royal fuck-ups, ai doesn't deserve those kind of words from his own family for god's sake]
I'm not scared of you.
[rin finally admits with a stupid, dumb laugh, pushing his free hand against his forehead]
[He might've been more emphatic, trying to reassure Rin that his uncle was wrong. Would have focused more on that than the way Rin's tearing into his lip and spiraling all in his own right; would focus more on the low-hanging fruit rather than the mound of dirt piled on top of sentiments barely buried.
But he doesn't. Can't. Because despite it all, despite Rin twisting himself to believe otherwise, Ai knows a part of his uncle is right.
That in all the ways that won't matter, he is just a blip. Funny, he thinks, how easy it can be to dismiss something that has the power to utterly destroy him. That is the strength that comes with sitting on his hands for so long, he guesses. Ai ultimately has no one to blame but himself. Paying the price for not cutting his losses sooner; for not having been bold enough to take a leap at all.
I'm not scared of you. It's some salve, he guesses; Ai tries so hard not to let it cross his countenance, the way he wants to shirk away and make himself small. You should be, is his mind's reply. You are, is his memory, his experience. Soft blues wring shut for just a moment, recalling shower water and footfalls and the sounds of his own sobs. What was that if not ardent, unmitigated fear?
The constant teeter between his composure and his truth. Ahh, I hate this. I'd just worked up to something calm, too. Ai swallows down his discontent, as if it were nothing more than a too-bitter coffee.
Then suddenly, at once, he's gripping Rin's hand strongly. Ai leans down onto the couch, back to the arm rest, and pulls Rin against him, to his chest. Turns his cheek to look at his tv, still idling on a streaming service, and makes no mention or grandiose show as his hand is in Rin's hair, encouraging him to just-- relax. Count breaths. Count Ai's breaths. Listen to his heartbeat-- anything.
Let them both be scared of themselves, but by god Ai isn't going to sit there and let Rin spiral. For both their sakes.]
That's silly. You're not very scary, not even when you try to be. [Ai tilts his head down to look at Rin, pointedly. Then back to the tv, very much pretending as if he hasn't just borderline forced Rin into skinship, and though his breathing is even and even his heartbeat mild, it is the first time in this conversation he can't meet Rin in the eye.]
... I think I get it, though. I guess that makes me a hypocrite.
he feels a panic. because there's the very real possibility in silence, that he's once again gone and muddied something up. it's evident in the way his features visibly drop. because ai isn't saying anything. he sees the way ai swallows heavily, and rin is about to rip himself back, spit something just to put some distance between them, some safety--all before he can mess up whatever they've finally reclaimed.
but that grip on his hand is tight. almost agonizingly so. and rin isn't sure what the difference between up or down is, because ai is taking that hand and pulling rin against his chest. rin is all over people in every sense of the word. physical contact is his bread and butter. but sometimes when he's on the receiving end, especially in unexpected ways, he panics.
despite the over intrusive thoughts to run, and hide from all of this...he simply forces the little choked sound down, and swallows the bile in the back of his throat. and instead he just takes this for what it is, and buries his face against ai]
Shut up. I'm terrifying.
[he finally manages to spit, trying to force himself to relax in whatever this is. he just bitched about not wanting to force himself on ai or be his normal clingy self. because...well, obviously. but he can't deny how the hand in his hair, or the breaths they share are peaceful beyond belief. rin scoffs, pressing his forehead against ai's chest]
The only way hypocrites wouldn't exist was if everyone was perfect. And like hell that's ever happening in this world.
[He didn't expect Rin to magically relax against him - kind of expected Rin to give push back, if he's honest. Rin seemed way more worried about crossing boundaries or touching the sullied than Ai himself was, who was notoriously self-kept and would never spring something on Rin even if given a green light at this point. He made that mistake exactly once, and is keen not to make it again.
Seeing Rin swallow around his own bile and spit makes Ai worry if he'd really gone too far, though. As if this was for me!, is his scolding mental chide. It may be physical contact, but Ai isn't delusional; he's trying to help a friend. The idea of even wanting something from Rin was at baseline so laughable and comical in its absurdity that the idea of Ai seeing this as anything other than an attempt at a favour only leaves him feeling dirty. An untouchable, sullied thing. A tumour on Rin's conscious.
But Rin doesn't run, and Ai doesn't want to dig himself a six-foot hole, so. He closes his eyes and sets his jaw and tells himself that Rin was no stranger to running away, and if Ai had missed the mark, he would have hightailed it by now. He shifts his hand to momentarily, loosely draped along Rin's back, though a second later it's sunk down onto the couch, now wedged between the back cushion and Ai's body. Unsure what do to with himself when he's so painfully aware Rin would rather be anywhere else in the room right now.
I feel so--]
Momo-kun is more terrifying than you, [he taunts, trying so hard to keep his voice light. Somewhat awkwardly he digs around the both of them for wherever the remote landed on the couch, and eventually finds it and places it on his sternum for Rin to collect.]
Now put something on before we twist ourselves into knots.
[he's already twisted into knots thanks. physically and metaphorically, on this stupid couch.
rin huffs, and grabs the remote off of ai's chest, pressing his cheek against his ribs and just tries to let himself settle. it's what ai was trying to force him to do. right? he flicks through a few streaming services, settling on some american comedy (it has subtitles, don't think too hard trying to translate, ai) and he lets it slip through his fingertips onto the ground. his legs are bent a little, half draped over the couch before he tucks them closer to their bodies.
already, his breathing is a little evened out. slumped against his friend, even if they're at awkward ends with one another. it somehow feels relaxing, like that stupid first night he was here. and everything felt so light. sure, there's some underlying tension--things they'll have to deal with. reporters, olympian dreams and aspirations, whatever the hell is going on with the people in both of their lives. whatever the hell is going on with one another. rin's fingers curl a little bit, tightening in ai's shirt.
a little silence stretches between them. and rin can't deny how utterly exhausted he is. he can barely keep pace with the movie. after an exhilarating day full of highs and lows yesterday, straight into today full of decisions and panic. it's enough to weigh on anyone. rin can barely keep his eyes shut either. but he has the sense to mutter against ai's shirt]
....you're sure? I'm not making it weird again?
[because there's no denying rin is touchy. there's no denying rin fucked up their relationship beyond repair. but he's never not wanted ai close. even if he doesn't know what close means anymore--with haru...the realization of how ai and sousuke felt--feel--it's enough to wring him dry. but he likes physical touch, he likes it. it's selfish...]
[The deeper Rin sinks into relaxation, however surface level it might be, the easier it is for Ai to do the same. Every second that passes on and Rin is no longer gnashing his teeth, swallowing hard, twisting himself into knots, Ai feels his worries of having compromised Rin ebb away a little. At some intermediate point in the movie, his hand even comes back up off the couch cushion and to the small of Rin's back; it's idle there, barely a weight, but it just felt more right than letting it hang awkwardly and somewhat uncomfortably stuck beside him.
Somehow, it felt normal. Identical to the nights in their first year where he'd check on a sweat-slicked Rin who had just jolted himself awake from a nightmare and needed to be brought back down to planet earth. This was no different. Ai's mind is so far off anything-- sentimental, so removed from understandable anxieties, so distracted by the movie and the gentle sound of Rin's even breathing that when Rin speaks, it takes Ai a moment to even register.
And he will not sigh. Or puff his chest. Or gnash his teeth. Because in this instance, he recognizes something astute that he hadn't before. Maybe it wasn't that Rin saw him as some dirty thing; his-- sentiments as landmines. Maybe it was just that Rin needed a bit of reassurance, and didn't know how to ask for it. Ai still can't fully shake the feeling that things would be so much better off if he'd just kept his mouth shut, but. It's some amount of relief; one tiny bandage to cover the many wounds he still hasn't dressed.
He smiles, even, if Rin's looking at him at all. Ai tilts his head down a bit to level Rin with it, paired with a knit brow line.] I put you here, didn't I? [He even steeples his fingers on Rin's back with that one.
Wonders, for a moment, how much peeling back the veneer could help or hurt. Maybe their peace this time was strong enough for it, so Ai tries.]
You never made it weird. [It was me. His voice grows just a touch quieter.] ... And there are several lines I'll never cross. I wouldn't before, and I won't now. I need you to understand that above all else, you're my friend.
[End of the line. In this instance, it's his sharpest sword, and Ai isn't afraid of spilling a little bit of blood in order to wield it.]
[friends cuddle. it’s just something they do, right? there’s no gender pressure or romantic pressure to put on those things. or maybe that’s just Rin’s excuse to lull himself into this.
it’s agony, truly. When Ai’s hand rests on the small of his back. Rin slipping deeper into his head, into the sound of the tv that is slowly echoing more and more, sounding more akin to him being underwater. Ai’s words resonate. He never made it weird even though he did.
and that’s the last comprehensive thought he can muster. Before he tucks his head under Ai’s chin, sucking in a shuddering breath. It feels like what that night should have been. Before he lost his mind, and ruined everything.
it feels like what Australia should have been.
but he pushes that thought aside. Because no, he’s not doing that. Not with his friend here being so comforting to him. Don’t fuck this up, Matsuoka. Even if it would be easy to just tilt his head up, and…
he ignores it, letting his eyes slip shut instead. Focusing on their breaths slipping out into the shared space, the rise and fall of bodies together.
maybe there’s a lot. But maybe this peace is enough? He thinks it might be, as that exhaustion slips over him and he drifts off into exhaustion’s clutches]
[Categorically, Ai was a horrific liar. He wore his heart on his sleeve, proudly. Silently challenged everyone to meet him exactly where he was else shirk away. Had oscillated from a starry-eyed teen with a loose tongue to a young man with unwavering conviction.
Somewhere between it all was Rin.
Who could so simply stay his tongue with a look, or the right - or wrong - words. Who crash-landed into Ai's life and forced him to reckon with up from down for the first time. Growing was synonymous with Rin, as was so many other things. High school; friendship; ardor. Dreams. And worst of all, Rin forced him to be honest. Ai swore he saw himself in those deep rubies; drew him in like moth to a flame. If he were so bold, he'd call it mutual. It kept his heart dangerously open from the very first.
The consequence of being unable to lie with something to hide is you become, instead, a hypocrite.
How easy it had been to keep his tongue loose-- to play in grey area. He was honest, he would have never crossed a boundary, but indulgence could be simple sometimes. A comment here or there he could bank on Rin dismissing because Ai knows from him it isn't expected. None of it mattered when none of it came anywhere close to surfacing. And Ai'd convinced himself of normalcy, up until Rin actually takes him at face value, for the first time in weeks. First time since they changed. He tucks his head under Ai's chin, and it's difficult to off-set the overwhelming wave of self-loathing that follows in the wake of his heart suddenly slamming itself against his rib cage.
It's good Rin's able to lull himself to sleep; Ai sure can't. Is too painfully aware he's mentally stepped out of one box into another and is struggling to go back. It was easier when friendship had been synonymous with what had gone unsaid; the two now split, Ai was left beside himself, cross-examining the very circumstance he's put them in. If Rin knew, if he really knew, would he so peacefully let eyelashes flutter shut, take the calmest breaths he has in days?
Selfishly, traitorously, and hypocritically, both of Ai's arms loop around Rin's back. Ai presses his face down into Rin's hair; holds him close, memorizes his scent. Tells himself he has about thirty, maybe forty minutes to get over himself, because if Rin were to wake up, the palpability of his pulse - audible between Ai's ears, even - would surely bring them back to square one.
He carefully watches the clock on the wall, minutes ticking. Measuring his breaaths every four ticks of the second hand. His brain works backwards; thinks to that morning, how suddenly weak he had felt. How Rin refused to touch him. That alone is enough to make the backs of his eyes burn. Tries to scrub further backward, the day before. Remembers their ridiculous car rides to and from the stadium. Remembers his qualifying time.
Remembers tucking himself in the back of a parking garage. A flash of cool blue is what finally stills his pulse, butterflies dying and transforming almost instantly into leaded tar. Ai's arms loosen; his head tilts back, away from Rin's hair.
Wrings his eyes shut and chews his inner lip, painfully so, before urging himself to composure. Because Rin looks so at peace, and the only sin worse than indulgence is foul play. It is the closest thing to Rin's smile he's been able to conjure since before the 200m the day before; Ai wasn't going to ruin that with all of-- this-- all of his--]
Senpai, [he murmurs softly, brushing a hand up and down Rin's spine to try and stir him,] the movie's over.
[in sleep, there’s little discern for the waking reality surrounding you.
similarly, Rin is completely oblivious to the happenings around him. Not the way Ai’s heart picks up, not the way Ai tucks Rin underneath his chin. Arms around him. It puts that dreamscape somewhere else.
that lull is transformed to somewhere in his head. somewhere where sky blue morphs into something else. Something cooler, and familiar.
the hand brushing up his spine, up and down so methodically puts him somewhere else. It pulls some noise out of him, and in his haze he thinks he’s somewhere else. Sleep addled, and riding the high of the stressors and ups and downs of the last few days, weeks, whatever…
he’s not awake. Not really at least when he blearily brings his head up to cover ai’s mouth with his own.
fingers tight on ai’s shirt, digging in. eyes still not open, dimly reminiscent of other things. Who’s to say what though]
[Throughout it all, there is one universal truth: Ai is not delusional.
There's a panic at first. Rin's face inching closer until all of Ai's periphery is shadow and blood red. Shocked into a frozen stasis, because what the fuck is he supposed to do?
Never mind the way the coals in the absolute pit of his stomach suddenly roar with a fire, licking at his spine and his extremities. It burns, hot and painful.
Every pathetic ounce of him wants to make the same mistake twice. To lead Rin deeper; to pull the wool over his own eyes. Pretend as if this could be anything other than what Ai knows, what he knows it is. How much easier it'd be if he cared just a little less; would let him do what he wanted, seek the peace he needed. Unfortunately, Ai was in far too deep to let both himself and Rin toe against lines they both know shouldn't be crossed.
... Doesn't stop him from leaning into it, though. Just a little bit. A hand coming to Rin's jaw, far too sweet. Parting from him with a nip to Rin's bottom lip, as if once again trying to commit the feeling to memory like he had last time, because this time for sure it'll be the last.
Opens his mouth to speak. Nothing comes, and his eyes burn bad. Rakes in a shaky breath, lets it coalesce in his chest as something stronger, and then exhales it frustratedly from his nose.
The worst part is how warm Rin is. And soft. How real. How if Ai closed his eyes and put his mind somewhere else entirely, he might be able to believe for a second that this is the sort of tender, languid want they could have had if he'd been bolder, earlier. If he'd been someone better. The worst part is how it's all he's imagined, kept stalwartly locked in his chest and mind's eye, and how he knows not a single ounce of it is meant for him.
Ai's hand drops to Rin's shoulder and shakes him gently, bracing himself for what he surmises will be an inevitable freakout.]
Senpai, [he calls louder, not even using Rin's name. A specific choice, because Ai knows Nanase has no reason to call Rin by the honourific; it's the quickest way to pull him out of where Ai knows Rin's escaped to. I'm sorry.] Please wake up.
[there's some delusion of blue. whether that's from parking garages and oceans, broken teacups and bright blue skies or complicated ripples of turquoise that have always lingered in the back of his mind... it's hard to say.
but through one glaringly obvious one, rin can feel the warmth on his mouth. even a momentary press back against his, which concludes in rin trying to chase the feeling. chase that mouth that feels somehow familiar and yet--
it's glaringly obvious when his eyes slip open the kind of mistake he's made. that senpai rips him right out of it, and rin is frozen in place, mouth hovering mere centimeters from ai's mouth. unfortunately, ai's conclusion is a solid one. that's not something that would spill from haru's mouth, in any sick fantasy or otherwise.
rin swallows heavily, fingers only tightening further in ai's shirt. maintaining that point of contact, because god does he hate himself right about now??? he learned about ai's (and in turn sousuke's) feelings, and just decides to do this?? what the fuck is the matter with him?
but... there's something a little deeper going on. that stupid, festering and glaringly disgusting prospect all planted by mikhail. rin. thinks about something for a minute. because he doesn't think rationally at any point, and he swears that ai leaned back into it. maybe this is just mutually beneficial. he's stupid, he's not thinking but--]
...sorry.
[he manages to stutter out, dragging his tongue over his lips. ever since yesterday, he's been mingling in misery, mixed with anxiety and whatever the hell else is going on in his head. only intensified by his exhaustion and whatever the hell just happened on this couch.
it would be so easy to call haru, wouldn't it...? get this out of his system?
but with a panic rin settles on not wanting haru to know the full story. the stupid reporters. mikhail's derogatory comments about ai, like this wasn't a possibility. that last one especiallu surges something bubbling in him, doesn't it? rin is torn between five different places, every little seam in him cracking under the pressure. he doesn't even know what haru wants anymore. hand holding and forehead brushes don't always mean something...right?
rin bites his lip. and stupidity takes over, as he shoves their mouths together again]
[Would that he was a stronger man. Bigger, taller. More athletically inclined. Maybe then he could have been someone Rin could actually look in the eye. And maybe then he could have the conviction and wherewithal to have push Rin off two minutes earlier, before it reached this point.
Because it's different from last time. Last time, he erroneously thought he had a chance. Thought he could be the light through murky waters, leading Rin home. He paid the price for his folly, and had told himself, had spilled so many tears promising himself no more. This time? That veneer is gone. He knows Rin is looking through him; knows that Rin knows Rin's looking through him. Ai doesn't believe for a second that Rin's complicated feelings have morphed anywhere near his favour in the past two hours-or-so since their last argument.
Best friend. Even that, Ai thinks, was given as a platitude. Do best friends crash their lips together? Do they wear markings on national stages like sick pageantry? Do they fuck and cry and scream and seem to leave messes in their wake?
He told himself he would never. He would never. And yet still, Rin's hollow apology is in one ear out the other, and the way a small, involuntary noise squeaks out from the back of Ai's throat at that horrifically warm feeling of Rin's lips against his threatens to undo his carefully crafted conviction.
Both of his hands come to Rin's jaw; Ai surges forward, locks their lips in a stagger. Kisses him so fucking desperately. And then as if his mind is battling with itself and testing the very rudiments of his tenacity and self-control, Ai yanks Rin's head back. Enough to look him in the eye, preemptively show Rin how easy it'd be to fold, but how Ai is trying to scrounge every ounce of wherewithal in himself not to. Because he knows it's the better choice to make. Nothing good happens if we do this.
His lips tug into a grimace, sick with himself.]
If you can't look me in the eye and see me, we aren't doing this. [Such a strong and finite gotcha from someone who can't pull his hands back. It is as if putting the ball in Rin's court makes it easier to accept the consequences no matter which way it shakes out: heartbreak now, or heartbreak later.]
[best friends can do whatever the hell they want. even if it's not necessarily the smartest choice.
because ai is surging back to meet him, and rin can't stop himself. it's gross and wrong, and he keeps taking and taking and taking. ai is doing the same, instigated this more heated thing to begin with. but that little inkling in the back of rin's mind screams at him that he's doing that because of his feelings for you you fucking idiot but selfishness outweighs and rin thinks that if ai truly doesn't want this... he'll say so.
right?
but in the blink of an eye, it's over again. breaths mingling as they. slip out labored into the room. there's some sort of twisted look in ai's mind, coupled with the pursing of his lips. rin's features drop for a moment, and he's about to crawl back, retreat into whatever hole he crawled out of because--
if you can't look me in the eye, and see me, we aren't doing this.
and rin's eyes widen, his lips faltering momentarily. that's not the reaction he's expecting. not by a long shot. but maybe ai is more stubbornly determined than rin gives him credit for, and so rin bites back, right against ai's mouth without kissing. all while maintaining a press of foreheads that feels too soft for something like all of this]
I see you.
[before he yanks on ai's shirt, and plunges his tongue past his lips once more. he hates himself. he knows there will be something from this. but he's too desperate for something to rationalize that bitter reality right now. doesn't want to think of what haru or sousuke would say if they knew what was going on right now]
[They've both seemingly made their bed. Ai supposes it's now their to lay in.
Because its only after Rin's tongue is half-way down his throat that Ai asks himself, with the frayed remnants of his coherency and self-preservation, which is worse? Rin doing this and not seeing Ai for who he is? Or Rin doing this and seeing Ai for who he is, knowing what he knows, and pushing forward anyway?
What does it say about Ai? That he can't pull Rin out of ruts, can't fix his problems-- can't swim the fastest relay with him, can't accompany him to figure out dreams, can't get his letters, that no matter how hard he tries for years and years and years that the best he can manage is a clean futon on a good day and something to fuck on a bad day?
If he thinks too hard on the implications of Rin choosing to still go forward with this, the implications of letting him, Ai might be the one to bolt for the door. And so suddenly Rin isn't the only one in the room seeking out heated lips and wet tongues and hot breaths as a means of silencing the tempest that whips his thoughts into disarray.
He hates, loathes how his heart throttles itself in his chest. I see you. Isn't delusional enough to believe it's something it isn't, yet all the same, it undoes him so thoroughly it'd be impressive to someone who cared to notice.
His eyebrows knit; one arm wraps strongly around Rin's shoulders, tangling a hand in his hair. The other remains steadfast on his jaw, keeping him close. Sucks Rin's tongue into his mouth and against his own; lightly drags teeth against his bottom lip. There is a notable heat and desperation here that had not been there last time. The veneer is gone, after all; there's nothing left to hide anymore.]
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no subject
Date: 2025-09-01 05:43 pm (UTC)Were this a month earlier, he might've offered to help Rin stretch out. Or would have taken the liberty of getting those cool-hot patches himself and slapping one or two on his calf. None of it comes to fruition now; Ai just leans a bit more into the arm rest to make more room for Rin, should he wish to stretch out. Ai for his part is sitting with his legs crossed.
He silently places the remote on Rin's knee, letting him drive. And maybe it's a bit of a preemptive olive branch, since Ai is about to ask a question he knows Rin likely wants to just shelve for now:]
It's alright, better to pay these kinds of things full attention. [His eyebrows furrow, just a little.] Were you able to learn anything new? Did Mikhail-ojiisan reach out after all?
no subject
Date: 2025-09-01 08:43 pm (UTC)Yeah, we talked for a while.
[now rin is deciding how much to lean into. he wasn't fond of how mikhail discussed his nephew, like he was a mere blip in their existence. so obviously that bit is getting tossed out the window in terms of discussion. as for everything else? rin bites his lip, putting a pause in the stretching to take the remote off his knees, and turn it over between his fingers. back and forth]
Nothing new. Just the same old shit.
[he scoffs out that last bit, staring pointedly at the floor]
I've got... a few options. But nothing solid until they release whatever they're releasing. Then decide on nothing, or...[rin sighs, pushing the remote against his forehead for a minute] do something. It just depends on the shit they say. That's it.
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Date: 2025-09-01 09:02 pm (UTC)So he lets it go. If and when Rin was ready to discuss it, he would. Rin's got a point anyway that Ai can't refute: there wasn't even anything actionable to do or not do until the piece came out. Until such a time, it's all they can do to continue on as normal.
And so Ai relents, easily at that. He sinks back into the couch a little, choosing to relax. Relax among chaos; relax among Rin. Both things he doesn't think he's allowed himself in at least a cumulative five weeks. Probably only allowing himself now as the consequences of not having done so sooner manifested this morning and taught him a harsh lesson.
The way Rin's pressed the remote to his forehead... Ai smiles stupidly, looks down to the tv screen. It's bad to think it's cute, but I can't help it. Ai bites his bottom lip to stay that thought.]
Then! No sense stressing over it anymore, right? I'm sure my uncle will follow up with me once he has his ducks in a row, too. [He shifts his knee just enough to bump against Rin's ankle.] It'll be rare for us to know peace once training camps start up; we have to seize what bits of it we can get now. [Ai then gestures with his hand,] You can drive.
no subject
Date: 2025-09-02 09:23 pm (UTC)[rin huffs, slumping back against the couch, deeming his leg thoroughly stretched out or whatever. even if he doesn't buy it for a second in his own head, still reeling over the shit mikhail said. but... something bothers him. something that makes rin grit his teeth. he misses the way ai is staring at him pressing the remote against his face. he's about to start scrolling their streaming service, find something so ridiculously stupid that they can just both laugh at it.
and well. rin matsuoka is rin matsuoka. and has a big mouth]
Why didn't you ever ask your uncle to coach you?
[he blurts out suddenly. there's a moment of realization as he whips his gaze over to ai. and realizes what can of worms he just dove into. and the remote clatters to the floor. his jaw tightens, he's not angry. he's just confused, frustrated. over everything. why does mikhail regard ai like he's something not important? why did that conversation feel so sour when it came to ai's feelings? rin doesn't even know what ai--if ai--said anything to his uncle about what transpired.
he seems to notice his momentary slip up and bites his lip, tearing his gaze back towards the carpet]
...sorry. That's not my place.
no subject
Date: 2025-09-02 09:52 pm (UTC)I like when you ask me things. [I like when you talk to me. He knows Rin's not really fishing for reassurance, but Ai offers it freely anyway; turns a little, even, to face him better. He follows Rin's gaze down to the carpet for a moment, before settling on Rin's eyes again, trying to keep the floor open where Rin thinks he's closed it up.]
Well... I was pretty embarrassed, to be honest. He's a world-class swimmer, and I was the slowest on our team. I didn't tell you about him for these reasons, and I didn't ask him for help for those same reasons. If I was meant to be in this same world as you, I wanted to get there my own way.
[He shrugs a little with one shoulder.]
And by the time I thought it'd be a good idea, he'd already taken you. Of course, he knows none of this; Mikhail-oyaji loves me very much, but I'm sure from his perspective, it seems like I'm giving him a cold shoulder. I can't blame him for thinking that.
[It's Ai's turn for his eyes to flit down to the carpet, expression further away for that moment.]
He knows we're close, though. And he saw me swim yesterday, so he knows I've grown, too. But... If you're asking whether or not I know what's going on in his head, I'm afraid I can't give you a good answer.
no subject
Date: 2025-09-04 03:04 am (UTC)...right.
[he remembers a bit of this, but wanted to hand the floor over to ai to explain everything. put whatever he likes into perspective. he just wants to listen. rin doesn't know ai's family dynamics. he feels like...mikhail has some very interesting concepts of love.
what kind of love extends to his nephew then?]
Nah, not asking you to explain anything for him. Was just curious.
no subject
Date: 2025-09-04 03:25 am (UTC)Ai leans off the couch to pick up the remote quietly and without fuss, handing it back to Rin as if he had never dropped it at all.
And then wonders.
And wonders enough that it winds up tripping off his tongue, as if the idea of him taking up any amount of Rin's brainspace was a foreign concept to begin with,] What had you curious? Did my uncle say something?
no subject
Date: 2025-09-05 03:16 am (UTC)did my uncle say something?
rin squeezes the plastic between his fingertips. like it could somehow vanquish all his problems at the drop of a hat. why does his gut feel like it's sinking, and everything is back at square one?]
It--
[it would be so easy to lie again. it's nothing. but he's already slipped up once today with something ai construes as a lie of some kind. rin's lip quivers a little, before he bites down on it. the small nick of pain blossoming from the gesture does him in. no. he won't.]
Sorta, yeah.
no subject
Date: 2025-09-05 04:30 am (UTC)Frustration. The kind that leaves him balking a little at Rin with a vague scoff that he bites back. And then bites his lip, too. Because the last time he got frustrated with Rin and said something about it, well.
He takes a slow, calming breath. Exhales it evenly through his nose. And then very emphatically leans forward a little, enough to be able to rest his hand on Rin's outer shin. Stroke his thumb over the fabric there. Ai really didn't engage with physical contact, usually, but feels he needs to cross that boundary to ground Rin.
And maybe, too, to soften the blow:]
And? [he implores, incredulous.] Rin-senpai, I'm not fragile. You won't break me by saying something I won't want to hear. [His eyebrows knit.] I'm-- I need you to at least try and trust me a little.
no subject
Date: 2025-09-08 01:39 am (UTC)where's the white picket fence, and perfect dream job and spouse and kids and? rin swallows--hard--trying to force honesty out of himself. because as jaded as he is in the art of being honest, he's not with himself and maybe even less so when the possibility of hurting another is on the table. rin fucking whines and his hand drops to squeeze the edge of the couch cushion]
I trust you. More than fucking anything.
[truth at its core. haru, sousuke, his family--nothing can compare to whatever friendship he's cultivated over the years with ai, seeing the darkest parts of him and allowing only ai to bring him back from that brink. he may have swam the relay with haru, but ai was the first one there after rin fucked up]
He said you were a complicated circumstance. Said people make mistakes, and fuck shit up when they're on... breaks.
[that last word is sour on his tongue]
Sounded like he was implying you're nothing special. And that's not... it's not true!! Jesus, fucking christ. I fucked up, okay?? I can't punish myself enough for it, but now they're punishing you too. This fucking sucks. You're my best friend, and I--
[there. he says it. he's known it. sousuke and haru are there. but it takes a special kind of person to go through the shit they have. it takes everything in him to not throw something across the room, just focusing on ai's hand on his shin]
I trust you more than anyone. And I'm sorry for monumentally fucking it up. Like I don't even feel like I can do-- [his shin spasms a little under ai's hand, but before ai can yank his hand back, rin slaps his hand over ai's to keep it there] --something like this without hurting your feelings or feeling like I'm leading you on. I hate this.
no subject
Date: 2025-09-08 02:13 am (UTC)As it always does, at these impasses, it comes in waves.
He feels his pulse quicken at the relay of his uncle's words; Ai isn't surprised to hear it. He hasn't given his uncle the chance to think otherwise. But it isn't that, it's--
You're my best friend. It catches on his brow line, suddenly knit into a complicated and confused wedge, as if Rin ever having once quantified Ai as such a thing was uncalled for. Third best, that was the script Ai understood well. Knew Haru to be something undefinable, something bigger; had thought Sousuke to take up that particular moniker, what with how he and Rin had a bond forged in both flames and time.
There's also the shame, alight for just a moment. There and gone, a phantom on his countenance. Because best friend also implies end of the line and every reiteration of the obvious has a tendency to make his blood run cold. If there is even one regret he has in this lifetime, more than anything, it's not having kept his mouth shut. Because maybe then Rin wouldn't be struggling to relay all of this to him, and wouldn't be gripping his hand like a lifeline, and wouldn't be saying that--]
Rin-senpai, [he leads emphatically, though Rin can likely feel the way Ai's hand betrays his otherwise steeled expression, knuckle twitching against Rin's skin,] that's simply not possible.
[His lips form on words that all start out just a hair too self-deprecating, I'm not delusional prime among them. But he can recognize when Rin's on the verge of spiraling, and is keen to bring them back from the edge, even if it means shooting himself in the foot. Does it to prove it to Rin as much as himself: weasels his palm enough to upturn it and lead Rin's hand away from his leg. Holds it gently between both his own. Flexes Rin's fingers under his thumbs, smooths them over the tops of his knuckles. Gentle.
And then continues,]
If you didn't worry about it when we met, you shouldn't worry about it now. Because nothing's changed. [He lets go of Rin's hand with one of his own; keeps the other open-palmed, thumb feather-light on top of Rin's knuckles still, letting him choose if he rescinds.] You're-- To me, that's-- Rather... [He takes a small breath, huffed softly from his lips. He just has to spit it out--]
... As we are, it's enough. [His voice grows quieter, but even still, Ai doesn't turn his eyes away.] I don't even want to put words to it, it's so inconsequential. [It'd hurt too much.] So please. If I'm not worried, you shouldn't be either.
I'll prove my uncle wrong. That just comes with time. And... If necessary, I'll prove you wrong, too. Because I'm not scared of you, and you shouldn't be, either.
no subject
Date: 2025-09-10 12:52 am (UTC)there's some silent, unspoken plea with whatever nonexistent god took his dad away and made him a fucking loser in australia, to quit the jokes. to let him have a do-over for something in his miserable existence for once. he would never have shattered that teacup, the one thing that held together all the spindly pieces of their friendship, all over the fucking floor. watching ai clean up that mess, every mess. clean up the mess that is rin matsuoka time and time again. something in him sours. something he isn't sure he's felt since that night. and once again, he's bubbling in that self destructive endlessness.
self control is a blessing. or maybe it's the way ai takes his hand between his own, knowing all the signs are there of rin's spiral. but why does rin need something like soothing gestures and sweet nothings like this? he fucking hates it. he wants to spit as much, but merely swallows it down. self loathing. agonizing deprecation. it's all present, and flooding every orifice. only tapered by the quiet, soft fingertips mapping out nothings on him.
it seems an effective method, because rin tries to remember. 1...breathe in. 2... breathe out. 3... rinse. wash. repeat. his lip suffers some small assault from his teeth, but it's a barely there thing. or at least something he barely notices.
because nothing's changed. and doesn't that just make that piece of shit feeling fester further? even if he tries to not let it manifest, it's there. ever present. ever looming. rin jerks his gaze away as ai's voice drops, he can feel those sky blue eyes burning a hole in him. reassuring as always. his lip shakes a little]
You better fucking prove him wrong. And me. I'll be waiting.
[rin settles on, spitting the words out practically. to him that's what mattered most out of this conversation. that dig that he felt was wrongly deserved, despite everything. despite all of rin's royal fuck-ups, ai doesn't deserve those kind of words from his own family for god's sake]
I'm not scared of you.
[rin finally admits with a stupid, dumb laugh, pushing his free hand against his forehead]
Maybe it's always been me I've been scared of.
no subject
Date: 2025-09-10 02:00 am (UTC)But he doesn't. Can't. Because despite it all, despite Rin twisting himself to believe otherwise, Ai knows a part of his uncle is right.
That in all the ways that won't matter, he is just a blip. Funny, he thinks, how easy it can be to dismiss something that has the power to utterly destroy him. That is the strength that comes with sitting on his hands for so long, he guesses. Ai ultimately has no one to blame but himself. Paying the price for not cutting his losses sooner; for not having been bold enough to take a leap at all.
I'm not scared of you. It's some salve, he guesses; Ai tries so hard not to let it cross his countenance, the way he wants to shirk away and make himself small. You should be, is his mind's reply. You are, is his memory, his experience. Soft blues wring shut for just a moment, recalling shower water and footfalls and the sounds of his own sobs. What was that if not ardent, unmitigated fear?
The constant teeter between his composure and his truth. Ahh, I hate this. I'd just worked up to something calm, too. Ai swallows down his discontent, as if it were nothing more than a too-bitter coffee.
Then suddenly, at once, he's gripping Rin's hand strongly. Ai leans down onto the couch, back to the arm rest, and pulls Rin against him, to his chest. Turns his cheek to look at his tv, still idling on a streaming service, and makes no mention or grandiose show as his hand is in Rin's hair, encouraging him to just-- relax. Count breaths. Count Ai's breaths. Listen to his heartbeat-- anything.
Let them both be scared of themselves, but by god Ai isn't going to sit there and let Rin spiral. For both their sakes.]
That's silly. You're not very scary, not even when you try to be. [Ai tilts his head down to look at Rin, pointedly. Then back to the tv, very much pretending as if he hasn't just borderline forced Rin into skinship, and though his breathing is even and even his heartbeat mild, it is the first time in this conversation he can't meet Rin in the eye.]
... I think I get it, though. I guess that makes me a hypocrite.
no subject
Date: 2025-09-10 07:34 pm (UTC)he feels a panic. because there's the very real possibility in silence, that he's once again gone and muddied something up. it's evident in the way his features visibly drop. because ai isn't saying anything. he sees the way ai swallows heavily, and rin is about to rip himself back, spit something just to put some distance between them, some safety--all before he can mess up whatever they've finally reclaimed.
but that grip on his hand is tight. almost agonizingly so. and rin isn't sure what the difference between up or down is, because ai is taking that hand and pulling rin against his chest. rin is all over people in every sense of the word. physical contact is his bread and butter. but sometimes when he's on the receiving end, especially in unexpected ways, he panics.
despite the over intrusive thoughts to run, and hide from all of this...he simply forces the little choked sound down, and swallows the bile in the back of his throat. and instead he just takes this for what it is, and buries his face against ai]
Shut up. I'm terrifying.
[he finally manages to spit, trying to force himself to relax in whatever this is. he just bitched about not wanting to force himself on ai or be his normal clingy self. because...well, obviously. but he can't deny how the hand in his hair, or the breaths they share are peaceful beyond belief. rin scoffs, pressing his forehead against ai's chest]
The only way hypocrites wouldn't exist was if everyone was perfect. And like hell that's ever happening in this world.
no subject
Date: 2025-09-10 08:19 pm (UTC)Seeing Rin swallow around his own bile and spit makes Ai worry if he'd really gone too far, though. As if this was for me!, is his scolding mental chide. It may be physical contact, but Ai isn't delusional; he's trying to help a friend. The idea of even wanting something from Rin was at baseline so laughable and comical in its absurdity that the idea of Ai seeing this as anything other than an attempt at a favour only leaves him feeling dirty. An untouchable, sullied thing. A tumour on Rin's conscious.
But Rin doesn't run, and Ai doesn't want to dig himself a six-foot hole, so. He closes his eyes and sets his jaw and tells himself that Rin was no stranger to running away, and if Ai had missed the mark, he would have hightailed it by now. He shifts his hand to momentarily, loosely draped along Rin's back, though a second later it's sunk down onto the couch, now wedged between the back cushion and Ai's body. Unsure what do to with himself when he's so painfully aware Rin would rather be anywhere else in the room right now.
I feel so--]
Momo-kun is more terrifying than you, [he taunts, trying so hard to keep his voice light. Somewhat awkwardly he digs around the both of them for wherever the remote landed on the couch, and eventually finds it and places it on his sternum for Rin to collect.]
Now put something on before we twist ourselves into knots.
no subject
Date: 2025-09-13 02:49 am (UTC)rin huffs, and grabs the remote off of ai's chest, pressing his cheek against his ribs and just tries to let himself settle. it's what ai was trying to force him to do. right? he flicks through a few streaming services, settling on some american comedy (it has subtitles, don't think too hard trying to translate, ai) and he lets it slip through his fingertips onto the ground. his legs are bent a little, half draped over the couch before he tucks them closer to their bodies.
already, his breathing is a little evened out. slumped against his friend, even if they're at awkward ends with one another. it somehow feels relaxing, like that stupid first night he was here. and everything felt so light. sure, there's some underlying tension--things they'll have to deal with. reporters, olympian dreams and aspirations, whatever the hell is going on with the people in both of their lives. whatever the hell is going on with one another. rin's fingers curl a little bit, tightening in ai's shirt.
a little silence stretches between them. and rin can't deny how utterly exhausted he is. he can barely keep pace with the movie. after an exhilarating day full of highs and lows yesterday, straight into today full of decisions and panic. it's enough to weigh on anyone. rin can barely keep his eyes shut either. but he has the sense to mutter against ai's shirt]
....you're sure? I'm not making it weird again?
[because there's no denying rin is touchy. there's no denying rin fucked up their relationship beyond repair. but he's never not wanted ai close. even if he doesn't know what close means anymore--with haru...the realization of how ai and sousuke felt--feel--it's enough to wring him dry. but he likes physical touch, he likes it. it's selfish...]
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Date: 2025-09-13 03:13 am (UTC)Somehow, it felt normal. Identical to the nights in their first year where he'd check on a sweat-slicked Rin who had just jolted himself awake from a nightmare and needed to be brought back down to planet earth. This was no different. Ai's mind is so far off anything-- sentimental, so removed from understandable anxieties, so distracted by the movie and the gentle sound of Rin's even breathing that when Rin speaks, it takes Ai a moment to even register.
And he will not sigh. Or puff his chest. Or gnash his teeth. Because in this instance, he recognizes something astute that he hadn't before. Maybe it wasn't that Rin saw him as some dirty thing; his-- sentiments as landmines. Maybe it was just that Rin needed a bit of reassurance, and didn't know how to ask for it. Ai still can't fully shake the feeling that things would be so much better off if he'd just kept his mouth shut, but. It's some amount of relief; one tiny bandage to cover the many wounds he still hasn't dressed.
He smiles, even, if Rin's looking at him at all. Ai tilts his head down a bit to level Rin with it, paired with a knit brow line.] I put you here, didn't I? [He even steeples his fingers on Rin's back with that one.
Wonders, for a moment, how much peeling back the veneer could help or hurt. Maybe their peace this time was strong enough for it, so Ai tries.]
You never made it weird. [It was me. His voice grows just a touch quieter.] ... And there are several lines I'll never cross. I wouldn't before, and I won't now. I need you to understand that above all else, you're my friend.
[End of the line. In this instance, it's his sharpest sword, and Ai isn't afraid of spilling a little bit of blood in order to wield it.]
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Date: 2025-09-14 08:09 pm (UTC)it’s agony, truly. When Ai’s hand rests on the small of his back. Rin slipping deeper into his head, into the sound of the tv that is slowly echoing more and more, sounding more akin to him being underwater. Ai’s words resonate. He never made it weird even though he did.
and that’s the last comprehensive thought he can muster. Before he tucks his head under Ai’s chin, sucking in a shuddering breath. It feels like what that night should have been. Before he lost his mind, and ruined everything.
it feels like what Australia should have been.
but he pushes that thought aside. Because no, he’s not doing that. Not with his friend here being so comforting to him. Don’t fuck this up, Matsuoka. Even if it would be easy to just tilt his head up, and…
he ignores it, letting his eyes slip shut instead. Focusing on their breaths slipping out into the shared space, the rise and fall of bodies together.
maybe there’s a lot. But maybe this peace is enough? He thinks it might be, as that exhaustion slips over him and he drifts off into exhaustion’s clutches]
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Date: 2025-09-14 08:46 pm (UTC)Somewhere between it all was Rin.
Who could so simply stay his tongue with a look, or the right - or wrong - words. Who crash-landed into Ai's life and forced him to reckon with up from down for the first time. Growing was synonymous with Rin, as was so many other things. High school; friendship; ardor. Dreams. And worst of all, Rin forced him to be honest. Ai swore he saw himself in those deep rubies; drew him in like moth to a flame. If he were so bold, he'd call it mutual. It kept his heart dangerously open from the very first.
The consequence of being unable to lie with something to hide is you become, instead, a hypocrite.
How easy it had been to keep his tongue loose-- to play in grey area. He was honest, he would have never crossed a boundary, but indulgence could be simple sometimes. A comment here or there he could bank on Rin dismissing because Ai knows from him it isn't expected. None of it mattered when none of it came anywhere close to surfacing. And Ai'd convinced himself of normalcy, up until Rin actually takes him at face value, for the first time in weeks. First time since they changed. He tucks his head under Ai's chin, and it's difficult to off-set the overwhelming wave of self-loathing that follows in the wake of his heart suddenly slamming itself against his rib cage.
It's good Rin's able to lull himself to sleep; Ai sure can't. Is too painfully aware he's mentally stepped out of one box into another and is struggling to go back. It was easier when friendship had been synonymous with what had gone unsaid; the two now split, Ai was left beside himself, cross-examining the very circumstance he's put them in. If Rin knew, if he really knew, would he so peacefully let eyelashes flutter shut, take the calmest breaths he has in days?
Selfishly, traitorously, and hypocritically, both of Ai's arms loop around Rin's back. Ai presses his face down into Rin's hair; holds him close, memorizes his scent. Tells himself he has about thirty, maybe forty minutes to get over himself, because if Rin were to wake up, the palpability of his pulse - audible between Ai's ears, even - would surely bring them back to square one.
He carefully watches the clock on the wall, minutes ticking. Measuring his breaaths every four ticks of the second hand. His brain works backwards; thinks to that morning, how suddenly weak he had felt. How Rin refused to touch him. That alone is enough to make the backs of his eyes burn. Tries to scrub further backward, the day before. Remembers their ridiculous car rides to and from the stadium. Remembers his qualifying time.
Remembers tucking himself in the back of a parking garage. A flash of cool blue is what finally stills his pulse, butterflies dying and transforming almost instantly into leaded tar. Ai's arms loosen; his head tilts back, away from Rin's hair.
Wrings his eyes shut and chews his inner lip, painfully so, before urging himself to composure. Because Rin looks so at peace, and the only sin worse than indulgence is foul play. It is the closest thing to Rin's smile he's been able to conjure since before the 200m the day before; Ai wasn't going to ruin that with all of-- this-- all of his--]
Senpai, [he murmurs softly, brushing a hand up and down Rin's spine to try and stir him,] the movie's over.
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Date: 2025-09-14 10:31 pm (UTC)similarly, Rin is completely oblivious to the happenings around him. Not the way Ai’s heart picks up, not the way Ai tucks Rin underneath his chin. Arms around him. It puts that dreamscape somewhere else.
that lull is transformed to somewhere in his head. somewhere where sky blue morphs into something else. Something cooler, and familiar.
the hand brushing up his spine, up and down so methodically puts him somewhere else. It pulls some noise out of him, and in his haze he thinks he’s somewhere else. Sleep addled, and riding the high of the stressors and ups and downs of the last few days, weeks, whatever…
he’s not awake. Not really at least when he blearily brings his head up to cover ai’s mouth with his own.
fingers tight on ai’s shirt, digging in. eyes still not open, dimly reminiscent of other things. Who’s to say what though]
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Date: 2025-09-14 10:48 pm (UTC)There's a panic at first. Rin's face inching closer until all of Ai's periphery is shadow and blood red. Shocked into a frozen stasis, because what the fuck is he supposed to do?
Never mind the way the coals in the absolute pit of his stomach suddenly roar with a fire, licking at his spine and his extremities. It burns, hot and painful.
Every pathetic ounce of him wants to make the same mistake twice. To lead Rin deeper; to pull the wool over his own eyes. Pretend as if this could be anything other than what Ai knows, what he knows it is. How much easier it'd be if he cared just a little less; would let him do what he wanted, seek the peace he needed. Unfortunately, Ai was in far too deep to let both himself and Rin toe against lines they both know shouldn't be crossed.
... Doesn't stop him from leaning into it, though. Just a little bit. A hand coming to Rin's jaw, far too sweet. Parting from him with a nip to Rin's bottom lip, as if once again trying to commit the feeling to memory like he had last time, because this time for sure it'll be the last.
Opens his mouth to speak. Nothing comes, and his eyes burn bad. Rakes in a shaky breath, lets it coalesce in his chest as something stronger, and then exhales it frustratedly from his nose.
The worst part is how warm Rin is. And soft. How real. How if Ai closed his eyes and put his mind somewhere else entirely, he might be able to believe for a second that this is the sort of tender, languid want they could have had if he'd been bolder, earlier. If he'd been someone better. The worst part is how it's all he's imagined, kept stalwartly locked in his chest and mind's eye, and how he knows not a single ounce of it is meant for him.
Ai's hand drops to Rin's shoulder and shakes him gently, bracing himself for what he surmises will be an inevitable freakout.]
Senpai, [he calls louder, not even using Rin's name. A specific choice, because Ai knows Nanase has no reason to call Rin by the honourific; it's the quickest way to pull him out of where Ai knows Rin's escaped to. I'm sorry.] Please wake up.
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Date: 2025-09-15 02:25 am (UTC)but through one glaringly obvious one, rin can feel the warmth on his mouth. even a momentary press back against his, which concludes in rin trying to chase the feeling. chase that mouth that feels somehow familiar and yet--
it's glaringly obvious when his eyes slip open the kind of mistake he's made. that senpai rips him right out of it, and rin is frozen in place, mouth hovering mere centimeters from ai's mouth. unfortunately, ai's conclusion is a solid one. that's not something that would spill from haru's mouth, in any sick fantasy or otherwise.
rin swallows heavily, fingers only tightening further in ai's shirt. maintaining that point of contact, because god does he hate himself right about now??? he learned about ai's (and in turn sousuke's) feelings, and just decides to do this?? what the fuck is the matter with him?
but... there's something a little deeper going on. that stupid, festering and glaringly disgusting prospect all planted by mikhail. rin. thinks about something for a minute. because he doesn't think rationally at any point, and he swears that ai leaned back into it. maybe this is just mutually beneficial. he's stupid, he's not thinking but--]
...sorry.
[he manages to stutter out, dragging his tongue over his lips. ever since yesterday, he's been mingling in misery, mixed with anxiety and whatever the hell else is going on in his head. only intensified by his exhaustion and whatever the hell just happened on this couch.
it would be so easy to call haru, wouldn't it...? get this out of his system?
but with a panic rin settles on not wanting haru to know the full story. the stupid reporters. mikhail's derogatory comments about ai, like this wasn't a possibility. that last one especiallu surges something bubbling in him, doesn't it? rin is torn between five different places, every little seam in him cracking under the pressure. he doesn't even know what haru wants anymore. hand holding and forehead brushes don't always mean something...right?
rin bites his lip. and stupidity takes over, as he shoves their mouths together again]
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Date: 2025-09-15 02:43 am (UTC)Because it's different from last time. Last time, he erroneously thought he had a chance. Thought he could be the light through murky waters, leading Rin home. He paid the price for his folly, and had told himself, had spilled so many tears promising himself no more. This time? That veneer is gone. He knows Rin is looking through him; knows that Rin knows Rin's looking through him. Ai doesn't believe for a second that Rin's complicated feelings have morphed anywhere near his favour in the past two hours-or-so since their last argument.
Best friend. Even that, Ai thinks, was given as a platitude. Do best friends crash their lips together? Do they wear markings on national stages like sick pageantry? Do they fuck and cry and scream and seem to leave messes in their wake?
He told himself he would never. He would never. And yet still, Rin's hollow apology is in one ear out the other, and the way a small, involuntary noise squeaks out from the back of Ai's throat at that horrifically warm feeling of Rin's lips against his threatens to undo his carefully crafted conviction.
Both of his hands come to Rin's jaw; Ai surges forward, locks their lips in a stagger. Kisses him so fucking desperately. And then as if his mind is battling with itself and testing the very rudiments of his tenacity and self-control, Ai yanks Rin's head back. Enough to look him in the eye, preemptively show Rin how easy it'd be to fold, but how Ai is trying to scrounge every ounce of wherewithal in himself not to. Because he knows it's the better choice to make. Nothing good happens if we do this.
His lips tug into a grimace, sick with himself.]
If you can't look me in the eye and see me, we aren't doing this. [Such a strong and finite gotcha from someone who can't pull his hands back. It is as if putting the ball in Rin's court makes it easier to accept the consequences no matter which way it shakes out: heartbreak now, or heartbreak later.]
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Date: 2025-09-15 03:21 am (UTC)because ai is surging back to meet him, and rin can't stop himself. it's gross and wrong, and he keeps taking and taking and taking. ai is doing the same, instigated this more heated thing to begin with. but that little inkling in the back of rin's mind screams at him that he's doing that because of his feelings for you you fucking idiot but selfishness outweighs and rin thinks that if ai truly doesn't want this... he'll say so.
right?
but in the blink of an eye, it's over again. breaths mingling as they. slip out labored into the room. there's some sort of twisted look in ai's mind, coupled with the pursing of his lips. rin's features drop for a moment, and he's about to crawl back, retreat into whatever hole he crawled out of because--
if you can't look me in the eye, and see me, we aren't doing this.
and rin's eyes widen, his lips faltering momentarily. that's not the reaction he's expecting. not by a long shot. but maybe ai is more stubbornly determined than rin gives him credit for, and so rin bites back, right against ai's mouth without kissing. all while maintaining a press of foreheads that feels too soft for something like all of this]
I see you.
[before he yanks on ai's shirt, and plunges his tongue past his lips once more. he hates himself. he knows there will be something from this. but he's too desperate for something to rationalize that bitter reality right now. doesn't want to think of what haru or sousuke would say if they knew what was going on right now]
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Date: 2025-09-15 03:37 am (UTC)Because its only after Rin's tongue is half-way down his throat that Ai asks himself, with the frayed remnants of his coherency and self-preservation, which is worse? Rin doing this and not seeing Ai for who he is? Or Rin doing this and seeing Ai for who he is, knowing what he knows, and pushing forward anyway?
What does it say about Ai? That he can't pull Rin out of ruts, can't fix his problems-- can't swim the fastest relay with him, can't accompany him to figure out dreams, can't get his letters, that no matter how hard he tries for years and years and years that the best he can manage is a clean futon on a good day and something to fuck on a bad day?
If he thinks too hard on the implications of Rin choosing to still go forward with this, the implications of letting him, Ai might be the one to bolt for the door. And so suddenly Rin isn't the only one in the room seeking out heated lips and wet tongues and hot breaths as a means of silencing the tempest that whips his thoughts into disarray.
He hates, loathes how his heart throttles itself in his chest. I see you. Isn't delusional enough to believe it's something it isn't, yet all the same, it undoes him so thoroughly it'd be impressive to someone who cared to notice.
His eyebrows knit; one arm wraps strongly around Rin's shoulders, tangling a hand in his hair. The other remains steadfast on his jaw, keeping him close. Sucks Rin's tongue into his mouth and against his own; lightly drags teeth against his bottom lip. There is a notable heat and desperation here that had not been there last time. The veneer is gone, after all; there's nothing left to hide anymore.]
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