for @buttterfly - post-tfln

[taeru]

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[taeru]

Ai is quiet for a beat too long.

He can almost feel it, the way a shadow creeps between the both of them and begins to build upward, brick by brick. The longer it spans on, the more Ai tries to shield himself, the taller the wall gets. He so badly doesn't want to talk about it anymore - doesn't want to seem as if he's rubbing Rin's nose in it, doesn't want to keep reminding himself he's third best. All the deprecating truths that were already on repeat in his head like a horrible chorus. But for Rin's sake, he articulates it one last time, voice even and calm if a bit distant, matching Rin's suddenly solemn energy.

"You pulled away." Ai grips his arms, leans to one side some. "I had my suspicions when you first arrived, and that night," that night, "I had them confirmed. You hadn't isolated that badly since we'd first met."

His tongue feels thick like molasses; he has to take a second to swallow it down, loosen it up enough to get the god damn words out.

"I knew it wasn't good when you lashed out. And I had a sense of exactly how bad it was when we touched." His eyes slip closed, eyebrows knit together. "... And I knew why when I couldn't tell whose name you were calling."

Ai hates how quickly and immediately it makes his eyes prick; stubbornly, he presses a knuckle to his duct, staying them for now. "I did everything. I gave all of me. And yet still, Nanase-san accomplished in minutes what I'd tried to do for weeks.

"He brought your smile back.

"... So that's why." Ai sits up and off the countertop, back to Rin. His shame, his uselessness hangs over him like a fog. His voice suddenly booms, stubborn and pivoting hard in an obvious attempt to outrun those feelings, "And no, I don't regret it. Not one part of it. And I take you exactly as you are, Rin-senpai. You didn't scare me four years ago, you didn't last month, and you don't now. Every single part of you is part of someone who,"

He has to pause to take a deeeep breath.

"-- Who I consider one of my best friends. It's what friends do."

[buttterfly]

There's a certain turning point, in any relationship.

Messy realizations curdling into an agonizing truth. That you can apologize a thousand times, and it won't make things better. You can wistfully hope that you could go back in time, make it so things never happened. But it's cruel to hope for things that can't ever happen.

Rin bites his lip, his gaze twisting towards the countertop. Because he can't deny the truth in Ai's words. He pulled away, from everything. His friends, his family, himself. His hand drops to his side, fist curling. But not out of anger, or wanting to hit something. Just the sheer, dizzying anguish of what he's done, the things he's drudged up for Ai and the pain he's caused countless people in the fallout.

He brought your smile back.

It would be so easy for Rin to argue that Haru was the one to take it away in the first place. But wouldn't that be a lie? Rin was the one who went to Australia, Rin was the one who didn't fight harder... For the thousandth time today, Rin's tears slip out, dribbling onto the countertop.

A split second decision, a selfishly fueled one, caused all of this. If Rin had just taken his space and left, if Rin had just not done everything he'd done... would Ai be hurting the same way? Would Sousuke? Would Rin be living in ignorant bliss of his friend's feelings towards him, casually draping himself over them and playfully flirting like he'd always done before?

"I..." He doesn't finish the sentence.

It's what friends do.

It would be cruel to try to touch Ai right now, hug him, or squeeze his wrist. Ai's back is turned to him, and Rin doesn't try to push the matter. No turn around damnits or any other demands. Just the soft drip of tears, and sniffles echoing in the kitchen.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

[taeru]

It's a familiar scene, and cruel that he has to step into it twice today.

He wore his heart on his sleeve, often not caring how much or how little his friends watched him cry. But he couldn't in front of Sousuke earlier, because knowing he'd see that reflected back at him if Sousuke saw the extent of it had Ai turning his back for Sousuke's sake. And it was the same now, not wanting his countenance to betray the words he so badly needs Rin to hear, and to understand, and to know are true. I don't regret any of it. You don't scare me. It's what friends do.

But the shame is what has him standing like that in a prolonged silence even after Rin professes his grief for the seventeenth time in as many chimes. Because all of this would have been so much easier, so much less messy if Ai could have just stayed in his lane.

Furiously, Ai wipes at his face. He may not have Haruka's magic, or hold the weight to be able to make Rin's day brighter by just existing, but the least Ai could do was try and not let this day end on such a depressing note. So it's in spite of his face being reddened and tear-stained that he turns back around, pushing against his eye with his palm one last time, and doing his god damned best to croak a smile up from anywhere he can think to make it organic. Thinks of the way Rin smiled when among all of his friends. Of his cheer when he won his first qualifier. Of the car ride.

"It's okay," he repeats, with that same gentle, unconditional knowing. It wasn't really Ai's modus to be the one to bridge physical contact, but he knows how Rin communicates, and he's still human, and the wall between them is cold. He leans forward, enough to be able to touch and squeeze Rin's wrist, as if to try and bring him back to reality. That, and maybe silently affirm that Ai meant what he had said days ago: please don't treat me any differently.

"It's no good to worry about the things we can't change." Forces his smile brighter, tries to make his sniff quiet. "Rin-senpai, you cleared two qualifiers. You're a shoe-in for the Olympic team." He really doesn't have the energy or capacity to force himself to be jovial, but he still does it anyway. It's all he knows: endure. "Even I," and despite the rest of him, Ai still has to shake his head in disbelief, "Someone like me could manage it, too. We've got a lot of hard work cut out ahead of us, but."

So much more he wants to say, in vain or otherwise. But his throat constricts tightly and his bottom lip begins losing its composure-- so he turns his back again. And groans, clearly frustrated with himself.

"I'll have to quit my job," comes a muddied, wet laugh.

[buttterfly]

Yeah. The Olympic team.

It seems like such a distant memory now. The fresh rawness of everything else tumbling down around them. Ai's fingers tight around his wrist. Rin almost jerks away, rebuttals that he doesn't deserve the kindness surrounding the gesture. His throat feels hot, his face hurts as it screws up, trying to fight it all down.

"Right." He manages to spit out, using his free hand to scrub his face dry, or at least make a pathetic attempt towards it. "You worked your ass off too. It's going to be hard." He's just trying to chug along through this conversation, ignoring the tremors he can feel traveling up his arm. Whether they're from him or Ai, he can't say for certain.

It's so easy to say don't focus on the obvious. It's harder still to actually follow through. The elephant in the room glowering, ever present, but they're tip toeing around it like it never existed to begin with. He tries to utter sympathetic words for Ai having to quit his job. He thinks Ai likes it well enough at least, the times he's seen him there.

"That's shit." His voice feels hollow, trying to keep his voice level. "...do you think they'll let you come back after this is all over?" Even though there's no real timeline. There's qualifying matches all over the world, training camps, olympics themselves, it's a fast paced lifestyle. Rin is sure he doesn't even begin to grasp it quite yet.

[taeru]

A slow, measured breath in. An even, calming breath out. Ai's silence this time isn't for lack of wanting to say words he'd rather kept unsaid; he's doing the hard work of composing himself. Because if he's going to try and act as if things have the potential to go back to normal, he has to start somewhere. Being able to look Rin in the eye and not immediately burst into tears is a good place to try and start as any.

For the second time he turns around, and unlike before actually does seem a bit calmed down. He will become a professional at ignoring that elephant, god damnit. Ai will be the one to ride it back out into the wilderness and get it out of the room. He will tamp it all down, drywall and spackle and buff and paint it all-- because a minute ago, it was just him and his hurt. But now?

Yeah. The Olympic team. It was more than just Rin, and more still than Haruka. If Ai didn't get his shit together, he risked complicating things for at least four people. The only clear option was to try and get over himself, in whatever ways possible.

It started here. If Rin thinks he can get Ai to expose himself a third time, he's a fool. This time, I absolutely won't fail.

"I don't know if I'd want to," he answers honestly, voice still a bit wet but his cadence is even. Leans against the wall a little; just standing there in front of Rin was a bit awkward, and Ai was now so full of pent-up emotional energy it manifested in his body needing somewhere to go or something to do. "I want to see how far into this world I can bring myself."

-- but there's still that little nag. An instinct of his he can't conveniently kill. Ai looks through wet eyelashes at Rin, eyebrows knit in that sympathetic way of his. His voice that familiar tone - calm, and pointed, and aggravatingly selfless.

"Are you going to be alright, senpai?"

[buttterfly]

There's some old saying, that goes hand in hand with putting on a mask to help save face. And Rin slips so easily back into it when the timing is appropriate. Warm fingers feeling like they're squeezing the life out of his wrist, when in reality they are nothing but grounding and gentle.

Rin tries to force his breathing to even out, for Ai's sake. Definitely not for his own.

"You will." His voice is stern, startling even himself as he forces himself to look at Ai best he can. Blinking away the tears furiously rubbing at the wet marks trailing down his cheeks. He smiles, twisting his hand in such a way to squeeze his fingers over Ai's. Trying to return that gentle reassurance in anyway he can, without being overtly affectionate. Ai may have said don't treat me differently but Rin will still overthink it everytime.

After all, he knows the feeling well.

"If there's anyone who's fucking stamina can make it in the big leagues, it's yours. One hundred percent." Rin smirks halfheartedly, letting the contact cease and pulling himself back a little bit. He needs something to do, so he gathers his own bowl up, tossing out the remains and begins handwashing it in the sink, enjoy the flood of warm water (maybe too hot) singing his skin. A small reprieve. A small feeling of something other than whatever this awkward string he's weaved is.

"Yeah. I'll be alright." He flashes a soft smile at Ai. "I will be."

[taeru]

[Ai smiles, in a way that so badly wants to feel the pride that Rin evidently feels for him, but his current state makes it hard to do so. He can focus and reason with himself long enough to not be a babbling mess, but squeezing positivity out of him was going to be like trying to squeeze moisture out of a rock.]

That's kind of you to say. [Rin's absconded to the sink, and Ai needs to clean up his bowl too, so he starts doing exactly that, scraping the small bit of food he couldn't finish into the garbage and waiting for Rin to free up at the sink to do the same,] Maybe next time I can try for the IM. It wasn't in the cards this year.

It's something else to look forward to and work toward. Ai's realized that much today, and especially tonight: if he doesn't broaden his network and his purview, he's in trouble. If he doesn't, he has the potential to compromise Rin, too. That he simply wouldn't be able to forgive himself over.

Rin's reassurance lands, and Ai's smile grows a little. He believes Rin in that he'll be alright; he has to. In the same way Rin has to blindly trust Ai will be alright, too. What eats at Ai is the thought of his place in Rin's life effectively being inverted. Having once been the solver, but now the problem. And who is out there to salve over Rin's wounds this time? To help him be alright?

There is still so much more to say, or to ask. None of it relevant to the actual milestones of the evening. Ai wonders how much of it even matters; if a month, a year from now he or the both of them will look back on this evening in their kitchen and look at their past selves with some level of embarrassment and disdain. Is it worth solving if it was worth breaking?

But that's my fault. So it's on me to do something about it.

He waits for access to the sink, and rather unceremoniously mumbles,] I think I'll take a shower and turn in early.

[buttterfly]

What do you like about the IM so much anyways?

[rin finishing cleaning his own bowl, gesturing to ai to hand it to him so he can do the same. might as well since he's here. he thinks, with a little jealous, about how haru was always going on and on about only swimming free. and then decided to just hop in and do the individual medley to swim with ikuya again. maybe that stings a little that haru swam butterfly for someone else first but--

eh. details]

Yeah. Go for it.

[rin grabs at ai's bowl this time, to clean it, turning the scalding water down a bit to spare ai some hot water. after such a long, messy day? he needs it. rin will get there eventually. maybe in the middle of the night. maybe he'll go out for a run first. no, scratch that. bad idea. leg, right. he shakes his head, nodding in ai's direction]

I think you need that after today.

[taeru]

[Ai had half-expected Rin to take the chore for him, but didn't want to impose. Even when it was basically Rin's only chore in the apartment thanks to Ai's neuroticism and intentions to keep Rin as unburdened as possible, Ai didn't want to impose and often still washed his own things. All the same he hands his bowl over, flashing a smile clearly meant for Rin in appreciation, but unable to look up to meet his eye.]

It pushes you to your limit... That's how I feel, anyway. I have a strong start, but I feel I could be doing something better with my energy. For someone like me, the IM is a good fit. [He remembers their first year, feeling so down on himself that he couldn't qualify for the IM or for breast, meanwhile Rin who had accolades to spare kneecapped himself to only the free 100m. At the time, Ai didn't get it-- at the time he was jealous, frustrated even. Now--

Now he supposes, in hindsight, not much has really changed. Only the reasons whyfor.

He's keen not to let his thoughts spiral for a tenth time tonight, so leans away from the counter and begins shuffling his feet toward the shower room.]

We both do. [Doesn't even want to touch whatever the hell might be going through Rin's head with a ten foot pole, and shocking even himself, Ai is too tired to try. He rounds the corner to the shower room door,] I'll leave you some hot water, [and disappears inside.

Clothes off, water frigid ice cold. He didn't need to punish himself anymore - what he needed was a wakeup call. He spends the first ten minutes sobbing his heart out (quietly, politely,) the next ten committing to memory the sensation of the water pricking his skin like a thousand icy needles, and the next ten actually washing off.]

[buttterfly]

[in that moment, something about ai feels. frigid. it's enough to catch rin off guard entirely as ai pardons himself to shower. rin is in fact so dumbounded he just stands there, hands under the sink for a few moments. until the shower turning on kickstarts some varying temperature his way, and he hisses at the boiling water scalding his hand.

he yanks his hand back, near slamming the faucet off and staring down at the red skin, before letting his gaze trail back towards the bathroom. it's all he can do to just not follow ai in there, and ask what the hell his problem is.

rin pushes his hand through his hair. deep breaths. deep breaths. he tries not to think, as he turns the sink off, that it sounds faintly like choked back somethings, because it's not his business and he can't impose. so rin does what rin does best, and just makes a cup of ai's favorite tea, setting it on the counter. he looks at it bitterly for a moment, thinking of the cup he shattered in his recklessness, wondering if it perhaps meant something to ai or was just another thing. rin bites his lip.

no. there's no such thing as just another thing, and he thinks dimly like he treated ai like that during that heated moment.

ai wants his space. so rin gives it to him. he glances back at his jacket, temptation flooding him to just get out, leave. go run until his heart is slamming so hard against his chest it feels like there's something there beyond whatever dull ache is throbbing. but he knows that's reckless and stupid, so he forces himself to sit on the couch, grab whatever book is closest to him (poems of the goat ugh. it works) and try forcing his nose between the pages.

it does little to dull the throbbing ache. he smacks his forehead with the book a few times. come on rin fucking matsuoka. don't tank. you're going to the olympics it's all you ever wanted. who cares about everyone else? and oh he hates that little inner voice that pops up every now and again. the one that plagued him first year, and all those years in australia as a kid. the one that said to push everyone away.

he grits his teeth, digging the book into his face a little harder]

[taeru]

[There is a waft of cool air when the door to the shower room finally opens again, and from it Ai emerges, hair still wet and towel wrapped around his bottom. Any evidence of him having been a mess is wiped clean from the slate, other than the red around his eyes; he'd accomplished what he needed to, and his only intent for the rest of the evening is to try his absolute best to just-- relax. Sort out his brain. Start the process of figuring out a better way to compartmentalize, because if he doesn't, he's in trouble.

Except the moment he steps over the threshold back into the apartment, it is as if there is a deep, oppressive darkness radiating from where Rin is on the couch. Despite himself and his attempts at composure, that instinct of his has blue eyes leveled on Rin as if to try and ascertain him - something he maybe should have done earlier.

Ultimately, though, he makes the same choice. Doesn't prod, doesn't ask - just turns back into his far corner of the apartment, a lump coalescing in his throat and plummeting with record speed down into his gut. All at once, Ai is doing familiar mental gymnastics, the specific steps and dance required to toe the line between getting a read on Rin without making it worse. I don't like this.

At his bed side Ai drops his towel and begins to fish out clean clothes. And as if to try and deduce exactly the level of keep away he should be playing, Ai breaks the thick tension in the air with a question so vapid his ploy is probably obvious,]

What are you reading?

[buttterfly]

[he tries to continue giving ai that space when he emerges from the bathroom, tries really focusing on this paragraph he's read fifty times over. less smacking himself in the face with the book now that he has company of course, but.

he's so deep in trying to pretend he's fine and engrossed with this book, that he almost misses ai speaking entirely. he pulls the book up a bit, squinting, his lips screwed up a little]

Nakahara. Guy was weird, but kind of a brilliant writer.

[rin tries letting his eyes land on a random excerpt, and reads it out loud the syllables rolling off his tongue]

Then evening came, and I thought this world is like an ocean. I imagined that watery expanse at dusk, where a haggard boatman rows. Those unsteady hands, looking if there's fish or not he passes by staring at the surface.

[rin straightens up a little, realizing ai didn't exactly ask him to just start reading off whatever he was reading, so he swallows and stutters out a quick apology, flipping the page and squinting at the next poem instead]

[taeru]

[Ai's pulled on underwear and sleep shorts, and is about to do the same with a shirt when Rin begins reciting a passage. Ai of course listens intently, because it's Rin, and Ai's come to know how much these books of his mean to him. Ai felt it gave him a glimpse into Rin's psyche, both when he first moved in and now - and especially now, Ai finds it helpful.

... Or would, if he understood the words better. He finally pulls his shirt on - just a tad loose on him, and clearly well-loved - and moves to sit at his desk, plugging his phone in. Before settling in with a book of his own, nondescript with no markings on its spine, Ai turns his chair a little to look at Rin across the room. Shakes his head when he thinks he hears Rin apologize.]

What does it mean? [The passage, he means. In general, or to you?]

[buttterfly]

[he's not expecting ai to ask any follow ups on his unwarranted poetry slam, so rin just blinks back at him for a moment, before turning the page back to the passage he babbled off and squints for his spot. there. rin goes over it again once or twice, biting his lip]

A guy out at dusk, looking for something he's not even sure is there. Achy hands, rowing anyways. Feels a bit familiar huh?

[rin frowns, trying to think of how to word it]

Not even sure if there's anything in the water, chasing something you're not sure you'll catch. But you keep going. What else are you going to do yeah?

[training. chasing dreams that feel further away most days. mending relationships, without knowing if there's something to salvage. that rips a pang of fresh guilt through him, and he tries to shove it away. all the emotional exhaust of putting everything in, no guarantees of success or failure. rin bites his lip, trying to scoff and toss ai a skeptical glance across the room]

Not that I'm any literary genius or anything. You kinda always struck me more as that guy.

[taeru]

[Ai listens intently because anytime Rin divulges information on something he cares about, it's impossible for Ai not to. Even if Rin scoffs and bites his lip and tries to feign disinterest, Ai sees through the facade; maybe the passage itself was arbitrary, but the work it came from wasn't.

Arbitrary. Maybe not so much, once Rin puts it in a language Ai understands better. It makes his heart pang. Not in a way that was painful, reflective of the despair that has washed over him fourfold this day, but something different. More familiar, and tangible, and specific and close to home. The skeptical glance Rin tosses his way is met with an overly kind, almost rueful smile. Unstoppable force, immovable object.]

I see. [He cants his head to the side some,] That's the only option, isn't it? To keep rowing. [Almost as if he's imploring Rin on that one. I need you to trust me, too.] Don't need literary genius to decide that.

[buttterfly]

Maybe.

[rin flips the page with his thumb, letting his gaze travel along the next poem. a little less cryptic and depressing. he sighs, flipping it shut and putting the book on the arm of the couch for a bit. he doesn't want to reach much more tonight]

...or maybe you can always head back?

[it sounded smarter in his head, but. rin shakes his head, letting it tilt back against the back of the couch. he stares up at the ceiling instead, furrowing his brow]

But yeah. Guess not.

[he sighs, stretching his arms up, stretching out his fingertips. exhaustion is finally tugging at him. he tilts his head a little, looking over at ai. he doesn't think he can even stand long enough to shower tonight]

There's some tea on the counter for you. Might be cool enough now.

[he slides off the couch, pressing his palm into his forehead as he hobbles over to his futon. he's contemplative, before he clicks his tongue and peels his pants off, left only in his boxers and tank. ai was the one who said don't act different don't act different, rin is trying but]

[taeru]

[Ai reminds himself they're talking about the poetry and nothing else, and Rin's suggestion is just idle postulation and not. Well. Something else. All the same, he can't help the momentary pang in his chest, leading his eyes away from Rin and somewhat absently toward his bed instead.]

Maybe in practice, but that's not a very good lesson to write into a book. [And he'd put money on it being an option neither of the two of them would be keen on taking, circumstance notwithstanding.

He blinks when Rin makes note of the tea; Ai hadn't gone anywhere near the kitchen after his shower, so hadn't noticed. The gesture is sweet enough and thoughtful enough and familiar enough that it has a pleasant warmth kissing just the highs of his cheeks, and a smile threatening his lips.

His memory makes his heart lurch and drop-kick a second time. He blinks, and for a flash, his eyebrows knit.

But determined not to undermine Rin's efforts, and a part of him still happy and surprised in a way he can only describe as traitorous, his genuine smile remains on his lips as he gets up from his desk, stretches, and begins padding over toward the countertop.]

That was thoughtful of you, Rin-senpai. You didn't have to. [His eye flit over Rin just long enough to watch his pants fly off, and then suddenly the mug is the most interesting thing in the world. Ai stands with his back to Rin in order to pluck it off the countertop, giving Rin a modicum of privacy and Ai a moment to inhale its aroma, take a shallow sip, and mentally scold himself for somehow having the capacity to want to indulge things at all when, for all intents and purposes, the porcelain was still scattered around him.

He realizes it's his favourite, and it's honestly a little pathetic how quickly it sucks the air from his lungs.

Such a small gesture has erupted inside of him far too many emotions to want to sort through, and if Rin is looking he will see that frigid disposition is suddenly melted; there's presently just too much of him to be able to filter it all. A gratitude, a warmth, a blossom of something else; a guilt, a worry, a despair. Ai begins to slowly pad back over to his end of the apartment, mug huddled close to his lips, and pauses beside Rin's futon to look down to him with a gratitude wrought into the wrinkles beside his eyes.]

Thank you. [For the first time since the early afternoon, a mirth kisses his countenance.] I'll have to find a way to even the score, though. And you're not allowed to complain about it when I do. [Something small, something thoughtful. He will choose to surprise Rin another day, but it will happen.]

[buttterfly]

Yeah. Not that Nakahara was really looking to sell books or anything. Just drink and beat people up.

[he laughs a little, flopping down onto the futon with a grunt, letting his body melt into it for a moment. exhaustion finally creeps onto him, the exertion of the day--the highs and the lows--all settling in fully. his cheek is against the pillow, as he sighs, burying his face into it for a moment before shifting.

he shrugs off the praise, thanks, whatever it is ai is trying to convey. it's nothing. the least he can do after everything that has happened today]

It's fine. I was antsy, anyways.

[he grabs his own phone, plugging it into the charger and rolling over to stare pointedly at the wall for a few beats. he's trying not to look at ai too much. rin doesn't deserve to let his gaze settle on ai more than necessary after everything he's done after all. so the tea, the dishes... the little things he can do to make up for it in the grand scheme of things.

he makes a hand gesture at ai, even with his back turned, grunting out some response]

Whatever. I'll still bitch. Can't stop that from happening, right?

[taeru]

[It isn't as if Ai keeps explicit count of when Rin is or isn't looking at him - just that Rin's gaze often tends to settle upon him heavily, like a sixth sense. He feels it as he walks away, but given the events of the day, chalks it up to Rin being in some type of contemplative mood. This paired with the tea... What is it that's worrying you, senpai?

Ai worries if he asks a third time, he might very well and truly expend what little patience Rin might still have reserved for him.

It's hard to tell, where that half-standoffish, half-trying too hard energy is coming from, but Ai also worries that if he spends too much time trying to dissect it, he'll spin his own wheels down to dust. He continues back to his desk, settling down into his chair carefully, taking another sip from the mug before placing it down and facing the little book again.]

Of course not. [Pencil in hand, and he opens the spine to where he had been before he'd gotten up. Rin can't see it, but Ai's still wearing that cozy little smile.] But no matter how much you whine, I know you'll accept it anyway.

[That familiarity again. Normalcy. Right now it felt foreign, and thus felt jarring, even if it was what Ai craved after how off-balance he'd thrown the both of them. It has him slightly beside himself - has his pulse just a smidge high. But knowing overthinking is the enemy, chooses to focus it on what he's writing instead.]

[buttterfly]

Shut up.

[rin bites out into his pillow, burying his face into it. there's some incense, the fragrance of the detergent ai uses that lulls rin into a stupor. maybe it's lavender, or maybe it's just the overwhelming calm that only a person like ai's presence can bring onto him.

rin sighs, trying to will his eyes to slip shut, stay asleep. something. anything. it's all he can do to bite back the stupid wails that threaten to bubble upwards once more. all the useless and faint apologies dying on his tongue second after second. one hand fists the blanket below him, curling to an aching point.

but of course. that ever present mask. the one that's so easy to slip on. rin tosses a final glance over his shoulder, forcing his fingers to lax and let go of the sheets. he's already ruined something in ai's house. he can't bear the thought of shattering even more porcelain]

Gonna try to sleep. Night.

[and dimly rin recollects the way nights used to be. ai's head hanging from the top bunk, all too formal as he bid rin goodnight and sweet dreams. things rin never had that year...

he pulls the blanket over his head, curling in on himself]

[taeru]

[He pauses where he scribes to toss a little look over his shoulder, as if to take in one final measure of Rin before Ai thinks he loses him until morning. There's even a pause here, too, as if trying to compose something specific.]

Rest well, senpai. You deserve it.

[Because he did. Even if Rin can't cut through the fog yet - Ai himself struggles to, too. But where Ai often fails to tackle his own worries, he has always been penchant and professional at trying to tackle Rin's. Even if he couldn't fix them - and he usually couldn't, often coming a friendship too short. But if it's the last thing he can do before this day is well and truly behind them, Ai wants to leave at least a little bit of proof that good happened, too. Incredible qualifying times. Reconnection. Family.

Though he knows Rin doesn't mind, Ai still turns down the light on his desk lamp.

5:30am - wake up
5:55am - text Sousuke-senpai
6:10am - drive to natatorium
6:45am - arrive
7:30am - Free 100m, Rin-senpai qualifies!
7:42am -

He remembers the exact time, because he had just looked at the wall clock before deep ocean blue and cool black had taken his periphery. He stares down at the blank line, graphite hovering uncomfortably above it but he just cannot will his wrist to move. Ai drops his pencil, presses his palms against his eyes. A breath in, a breath out. Shuts the light, closes his journal, and wordlessly climbs into his bed. At first turns to face the window, away from the room - away from Rin.

He is met with the oppressive, insulting countenance and reminder of a simpler time in the form of an overpriced duck plush.

He turns over; for once, Ai faces the apartment as he pulls his sheets higher and all but wrings his eyes closed, as if he could just force himself to sleep. As if he could become the world's biggest hypocrite and force this entire day behind him, sleep an impossibly good sleep, dream a world where he is standing in the bottom of a pool and the sun is filtering through its surface, and wake up a better person.]

[buttterfly]

[to put it bluntly, rin sleeps like shit.

even blunter still, he barely sleeps at all.

his night is fraught with tossing and turning. he's obnoxiously caught up with the highs and lows of the days, bubbling away in his head. there's a few jolt-awake dreams sprinkled in there, and finally, with bags under his eyes, he looks at his phone. 4 fucking am. only an hour off from when he would normally be awake anyways.

he spares a glance over at ai's side of the room, wondering if he's gotten off any easier. probably not. it's tempting to go jog, work out all his frustrations in the physical sense. but his leg smarts a little, and he hears rain pitter pattering on the window. not much, but enough to dissuade him from his usual coping mechanism.

rin scoffs under his breath, dragging himself out of bed. he rubs his face with the back of his hand, and grabs his phone before crawling off into the shower. the next best place to disassociate. the hot water is everything he needs, pulling him out of his head, into a sleepier state of mind. his body isn't as numb with exhaustion as he wants though.

...which is why he starts thinking of shades of blue, pressing his hand between his legs.

it only takes a minute or two, finally his body following suit into that slip of mental exhaustion. rin fumbles to turn the water off, barely able to discern left from right as he dries off half-heartedly, pulling his clothes back on and crawling back towards his futon. he casts a bleary look towards ai's bed, before he lays down, pulling the sheets back over him and letting sleep tug at his senses. at long last]

[taeru]

[Ai fairs no better.

Every now and again he manages to barely kiss the shallow surface of sleep, but like a great mirror to reality, something else tears it away from him. The rain on the window; his own thoughts; Rin, shuffling across the apartment.

Ai hears the water turn on and stares at the closed bathroom door for just a second too long. Knows better than to speculate on Rin's business though Ai could guess.

He didn't set an alarm and knew he wouldn't; whether win or lose, he knew he'd need a day to recover after the All-Japan. He does however have other tasks to take care of, thinking up a resignation letter for his part-time job prime among them. Of all things, workshopping this in his head is what finally gets him to fall asleep, staying asleep for at least another three hours until at roughly seven AM the sun is soaking through the windows and not so much kissing his face as punching it, serving as a good enough wake-up call as any.

He sure as hell doesn't feel rested at all, but when has that ever stopped him? Ai sits up with a small groan, gives an all-body stretch,

cannot help but look toward Rin's futon, pausing in front of his bed to do so.

-- and then pads into the bathroom, sink water running.]

[buttterfly]

[seven am comes, and rin begins to stir when he hears the sink turn on. he blinks the sleep from his eyes, feeling like he just woke up from some sort of fever dream. three hours feels like nothing, but he must have hit rem pretty hard.

rin groans, sitting up a little. he looks around the apartment, like he can't remember where he is for a moment.

finally it hits him. the day before, the night before. he shoves his face into his pillow with a groan. rin fucking hates it. he hates everything he did the night before, the week before, whenever the fuck that thing happened. rin kicks his sheets off of himself, slapping his face a bit.

no. nope. not doing this.

he hoists himself up, still just clad in a tank and his boxers. he glances over at his pajama pants laying haphazardly next to his futon. before he shoves the idea aside. don't treat me any different. ugh. right. he forgoes the pants, wandering into the kitchen and starting to boil some water.

caffeine. ideally he'd inject it straight into his veins, but he doesn't. just washes out the cup ai used the night before, and setting out a clean one for himself. it's not coffee, but it's something to kickstart their system. rin thinks to himself no more coffee from ai's place after a jog.

yeah. a lot is changing.

he pushes his hand through his hair, trying to tame it in some form]

[taeru]

[Over the stream of the sink and the sound of his toothbrush rattling his skull gently, Ai can hear Rin beginning to shuffle about in the heart of the apartment, too. Seems Ai woke him up - it was bound to happen.

Even when they first roomed together in high school, if one of them woke up earlier than either of their given alarms, it was often the case the other would follow soon after. Back then, it felt natural even. Ai can think of countless mornings where Rin would be the first to wake, which would stir Ai, and can recall with simplicity the warmth he'd feel in his chest when Rin would wordlessly wait at their front door, running shoes on. Or the times Ai had stirred first, and by the time he emerged from the restroom, Rin would be awake and almost always leveling Ai with a strong crimson gaze.

He's so familiar with it, can etch Rin's contemplative, far away, tired, disarmed expression with ease. So why is its prospect now so unnerving?

He spits in the sink, washes his face. Tells himself that if he's honest, nothing has really changed. There's just not much hiding under the surface anymore. You were an idiot to think that'd last; senpai is smarter than that. Breath in, breath out--]

Rin-senpai, good morning. [It's a familiar chirp to pair with a familiar mask. Where Rin is apparently gnashing his teeth, Ai almost seems intent on forcing the day to bend to his will of normalcy. Hell or high water, it was going to be a fine, average, forgettable day.] Sorry if I woke you. The rain last night was something, wasn't it? Made it difficult to sleep...

[Prattle, buff, ignore. He shuffles toward the kitchen, stopping short of the mouth.] I was going to run to the store quickly in a little bit if you needed anything.