for @buttterfly - post-tfln

[taeru]

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[buttterfly]

He misses the not so subtle way Ai is dragging his gaze along with Rin's arm. Better they know all of each other this way, and not in a screaming match or Rin throwing books of poetic varieties.

He can't help but laugh. It's rude, and he knows it. But the mental image he was just presented with is too vivid in his head. And he presses his palm against his forehead in the process. That real, raw laugh tumbling out of him. It feels good. It's at the expense of two of his friends, sure. But Sousuke would go that far, wouldn't he? Wanting to take it for once, so awkwardly trying to until they realized it wasn't going to really work out.

"Sorry, I just." Rin spits out, trying to stifle his giggles. "You probably just described the reason he never told me." It all makes sense now. Sousuke knows Rin would have died of laughter even harder if he had been the one to tell him. All stuttery and stoic and awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck. And Rin would have fallen off wherever they were sitting, and caused a scene.

But it pivots back. As it has this whole evening. A thought for a thought. An eye for an eye. Rin groans, pushing both palms against his eyes. Like that would somehow shield him from having to answer just as honestly.

"No way. He and Haru had some weird shit going on that year. I thought they were going to strangle each other." Rin admits awkwardly. He never really asked about it, fearing it would have to do with something akin to jealousy, or. "After that stupid water gun fight, they seemed cool though... eh. I don't know. Didn't really think about it." Awfully hypocritical of you Matsuoka, but.

"Glad you guys still talk though. Silly when that stuff gets in the way." His tone turns a little solemn. But far from whatever it was earlier in his depressing spiral.

[taeru]

Rin's laughter is genuinely music to his ears, and Ai will happily take it at his own expense. The situation was absurd anyway and warranted making fun of, if he's honest; he and Sousuke definitely laughed about it in the moment too. Despite cheeks hot from embarrassment, Ai doesn't actually feel all that embarrassed, though; he sits with his legs a shoulder's width apart, feet flat on the floor, elbows on his knees, and palms pressed to both of his cheeks. And just rubs them up and down, with a purposefully over-dramatic groan and pout to match.

"My life is probably a liability now. If you don't protect it at all costs, I'll never forgive you." By which he means never letting it get back to Sousuke that Ai told Rin!

His tone is far too bright because it's far too hard not to find Rin's laughter infectious. Even as Rin details his reasoning for not telling Sousuke, and Ai thinks under the circumstances it was the right call at the time. As obfuscated as the details were at the time, Ai was perceptive, and even he could pick up on something going on over there. He'd even go as far as to wager that once or twice, Sousuke brought that energy back behind closed doors. Ai still isn't sure what to make of it.

"We did it as friends, so the transition was easy." Ai would genuinely be upset to lose Sousuke as a confidant. In much the same way he'd be upset to lose Rin as a trusted friend; their balance is too good now. Ai doesn't want to rock the boat, despite himself.

"It's impressive honestly, Rin-senpai. How effortlessly you draw people in." Speak for yourself!

[buttterfly]

Rin holds up his hands, letting that mock surrender hover above his face.

"Your secret's safe with me. Buuut, just to keep it even. If Sousuke texts me with any bottom bunk jokes in the near future, I'm fucking kicking you out of your own apartment. Sound fair?"

It's an ominously playful tone.

But Ai is right. That easy transition between friends and friends with a little addition. Rin wonders, if now that he's back Haru would... he jolts free from that train of thought, squeezing his eyes shut in the process. No. Not happening.

Sousuke was weird during those times. And Rin couldn't even pinpoint it. Only later realizing it was health related. Or probably at least. Or maybe it all tied in together somehow. His face burns at Ai's comment? Compliment? And he mutters a weird, jumbled thanks as he rakes his bangs out of his face.

"Not my fault people are into crazy." A self deprecating jab, but a playful one. Mildly less so than some of the darker commentary he had aimed at himself earlier in this conversation. Rin groans.

[taeru]

"Sounds fair." Ai would never, anyway. Though Sousuke is the only living being who has heard any amount of griping from Ai about his woes, Ai would never go as far as to disclose specifics he's talked about with Rin, for all the same reasons he didn't indulge Rin at first about Sousuke either. In this way, he now owes both men a debt.

To Rin's self-deprecating jab, Ai pauses for thought. Then decides the first one that had crossed his mind isn't too dissimilar from something he might've said three, four years ago. Slowly, he rises up to his feet; stretches his arms above his head, and hears a satisfying pop! from his shoulder.

"That isn't true. My tastes are better than that." His tone is, in necessity, so straight it's obviously playful. Real 5D chess move. His last bout of releasing the steam from the pressure valve before he grows so incoherent he can't reel it all back in; he was tired, but he felt in control. Banter between friends was harmless, right?

He shuffles to just the other side of the room where one of his floor-to-ceiling storage systems is, opening it and retrieving a rolled up futon and a set of sheets. Gets to work moving his little coffee table out of the way so as to lay the futon out for Rin and get it dressed.

"I wonder what sort of person Rin-senpai likes." That isn't Haruka-shaped. Ai squats beside the futon and pats it, "Did you bring your pillow?"

[buttterfly]

He awkwardly scoots a bit closer to the wall, as Ai puts together the futon. Rin knows Ai will just shoo him away if he tries to intervene. He feels like a horrible guest, and glares daggers around the apartment, trying to find something to do with himself when Ai isn't around. But it's fairly put together.

...dish duty it is. Ugh.

He leans against the wall, putting his arms behind his head. Ai says something, that makes Rin think for the umpteenth time tonight. My tastes are better than that Just like that comment Rin couldn't discern from flirting or not earlier. He squints at Ai, but doesn't say anything. Except his mind refuses to drop it this time. Despite his best efforts.

He doesn't vocalize it, however. They just fumble out of an already awkward conversation, and are both exhausted. But Ai just brushes right back into it, and it makes Rin bristle a bit. He bites his lip, twisting his gaze to some distant wall. At both comments. What kind of person does he like? He's only ever really liked Haru, as long as he could remember to be honest. Is he just doomed to be into stone cold boys with a water fetish?

"You people live to fuck with me, I swear." First the bottom bunk comments, then the pillow. Ugh. He'll never escape either of them. Rin rubs the back of his neck, scrunching his nose and closing his eyes as he tries to think.

"Shit, I don't know...the kind of person who makes the quiet less scary I guess." What kind of answer is that?? He fumbles a bit, trying to formulate something else. But the stammer that follows is equally deep and thoughtful. "Someone who's home just by being there."

[taeru]

Rin will be allowed to make a mess of the place and clean up as he sees fit after tonight; Ai just wanted to make a good first impression. Tonight, Rin is a guest, but starting tomorrow he's a roommate - that was Ai's mentality. And besides, it'd only be a matter of time before his books, journals, CDs, and knickknacks would be strewn about the place anyway.

Ai pulls the fitted sheet over the futon and fluffs the set a bit, then is standing back up on flat feet; hands are on his hips and he shifts his weight side to side, as if to loosen up his lower back. Now it was Rin's problem - if he wanted to keep the futon right where it was in the middle of the living space, or shift elsewhere. He technically had the choice of sleeping on the couch instead, though Ai wouldn't think it to be very comfortable. And there's still the part of him that feels it's unfair his senior should be sleeping on a futon while Ai sleeps in the bed, but...

Rin's response is expectedly romantic, even if not quite what Ai had been asking. It makes him smile bittersweetly, arms relaxing at his sides.

"That sounds nice." In a weird way, Ai thinks he's found that kind of person too. He understands the sentiment completely. "It sounds perfect, actually. That's all you could ever really want to seek out of someone, right? Is home."

And then silence. Ai is still standing, and his posture in relation to Rin begs for the night to come to a close... But there is just this tug still in his chest. An impulse that is one shackle away from snapping. Unfortunately, Ai is sensible, and tamps all of it down with measured practice, and the way his eyes settle upon Rin are equal parts tired and grateful; they've learned so much in so few hours.

"Maybe we should turn in. It's late, senpai."

[buttterfly]

Finally, that finality of exhaustion begins to creep over him. And it doesn't look like he's alone either. Ai stands in a way that shrieks exhaustion, even if it runs deeper than Rin might expect. Mental exhaustion tugs at him too, there's been some... difficult words tonight.

"Yeah. Home."

Mostly Rin's fault. But. He drags his hand from his neck, back around his necklace before he sighs and stiffly gets to his feet. The futon looks incredibly comfortable. He practically crawls onto it, sinking down with a soft sigh. It's plush and reminds him of the futon he used to drag into his sister's room when she didn't want to sleep alone.

It takes everything in him not to fall asleep in five seconds flat. He'll probably drag it closer to the wall at some point. But for tonight, it's fine. He rolls over, yawning as he tries to look at the books on one of the shelves.

"Thanks again. Sorry for being an ass earlier."

[taeru]

He shakes his head once, and his smile is gentle in that way of his that is nearly unconditional in how much patience and grace he is willing to give.

"I couldn't think of a better way to kick off our reprise."

And then there's a tilt to his head, as if to offer a small apology for getting one last taunt in.

Ai pads into the deep end of the apartment, his bed tucked away behind a mid-height bookshelf that is packed with odds and ends; he isn't completely obfuscated, but Rin would likely have to sit or stand up to see Ai over the height of the shelving. Ai for his part only needs to roll over to get a full view of his apartment, Rin included - but for Rin's sake, and to give the chance to maybe calm down and be normal again, tonight he's sleeping facing the window.

"Sleep well, senpai. I'll do my best not to wake you up in the morning."

He spares one last glance to Rin across the room before reaching for the light switch and tapping it, casting the entire apartment into a calm, uncaring darkness.

[buttterfly]

It's not an awkward routine they fall into. Just normality. Not a far cry one from the one they shared during their time at Samezuka.

Rin wakes up first, goes out running. Comes back, rolls up his futon and spends most of his day at the gym Ai so kindly referred him to. Rin makes dinner a lot, his excuse being he's the guest and not paying rent, so let him do that part at least. It's simple, but it's theirs. He doesn't hear Ai complain too much. Sure, there's some sighs that Rin shouldn't cook every single night since he's training hard during the day. But Rin likes it. It keeps his mind busy.

He's only told Sousuke he's back. Begged him not to mention it to Haru, or Makoto or anybody else. Sousuke didn't ask why, but just gave Rin a look like he knew and it made Rin's skin crawl. Sousuke didn't ask where Rin was staying, but he and Ai are tight right? He probably knew and it wasn't like Rin was trying to hide it from him...

All Japan is around the corner. He gets a text from Natsuya that he's in town, and they should meet up sometime. Rin ignores it. He doesn't like to isolate himself, but it's easier right now. Pouring himself into training, and housework. He keeps his nose in books whenever he has a second, just to keep his head from straying. But it does anyways. Rin isn't as talkative these days--retreating into himself and the pool a little more nowadays.

Until the storms start.

They're normally relatively mild this time of year. But for some reason, in the middle of the night, is when the rain really likes to pelt against the windows. And the winds sailing thick through the trees is enough to put anyone on edge. Let alone somebody who lost family to a storm. His nightmares aren't quite as intense as they used to be. But it's another night at 2:35 AM and he's wide awake. There's probably bags under Rin's eyes, it's been such a stormy week.

So he just lays in his futon, blanket pulled up to his nose as he tries to scroll through his phone and ignore the rain outside. It's not doing much good. His email is filled with good lucks and well wishes from a few old teammates, mom checking in, there was even one or two from Haru that Rin couldn't bear to open without tears filling his eyes at the prospect. Since when did Haru start emailing anyways?

He glances over his shoulder, hoping the rain isn't keeping Ai awake. He just tries to bury himself in his blanket, and try to will the storm to pass.

[taeru]

The normalcy of their routine was almost jarring. Earlier on, Ai would have called it domestic if not for the implications, and he wasn't that much of a fool. Much like first year, he tries not to be in Rin's hair too much when in the apartment, but is eager to try and get Rin out of his comfort zone and doing something other than his strict regimen. Ai knows especially that with so many changes in such a short time, it's borderline imperative to make sure Rin doesn't retreat into himself.

He's had half a mind to tell Sousuke, if he's honest, just to have someone else who could keep an eye out for Rin. But Ai trusts Rin enough and trusts in his friendship with Sousuke enough that Ai hasn't made mention of it yet in his texts with their friend.

He wakes up early most days and either goes to class or work, goes to either work out or swim, and comes home. Evenings were usually spent pitching in to help with the dishes (and more often than not getting admonished for it) and then staying up far too late to either study, read, or both. Rin was not the only creature of habit - and the busier Ai could keep himself, the easier it became to handle the subtle gnaw always sitting right at the base of his spine, in the pit of his stomach, that seemed to grow the more Rin seemed insistent on being present in a way that wasn't just passive.

The weather this week has been dogshit, frankly. More than the rain pelting against the window and keeping him up, it suddenly becomes a mental ordeal to make sure Rin is alright. Ai doesn't want to coddle - Rin's grown, after all. But when it's the fifth night in a row and Ai knows they're both wide awake, his instinct finally wins out.

He sits up slowly in bed; he has the curtains pulled for obvious reasons, but as he shifts a bit to be able to pry one of the curtains back, faint lightfall from the lamps across the street cast long lines through their apartment. The storm isn't letting up at all; Ai sighs quietly, sitting back in his bed as he lets the curtains fall closed again, back against the wall.

He turns to look into the apartment, at Rin. It wasn't his intention to lock eyes, but he's also not surprised to see Rin had the same instinct; quietly, Ai smiles.

"I can't sleep at all." No reason to keep up a facade anymore; it's an open invitation to confide. He can faintly see the glow of Rin's phone bouncing off his countenance; Ai wonders what all he's looking at. "Are you alright?"

[buttterfly]

Ai is too kind. They're too in sync sometimes.

He's sure it's impossible for Ai to have slept through the last few nights entirely. It's probably either Rin jolting himself awake, thunder shaking the house or somewhere in the distance, or the rain sounding more akin to hail during the more intense moments. He feels bad for the things he can and can't control.

Because Rin sees the sympathetic kindness in his eyes, shrouded by the moonlit room. The curtain shift allowed a glimpse outside. Torrential, much as it has been the last few nights. Something in Rin sinks. He's got half a mind to start digging through his bag, and find those stupid sleeping pills that might or might not be expired at this point. His times sucked yesterday, and if this rain keeps up, they'll probably keep tanking. And he can't afford that. Not now, not when the opportunity for an international stage is so close.

He smiles wearily at Ai, weakly waving him off. Like everything was fine and nothing was wrong. Just tired. That's all he wants to convey here. He knows Ai has seen some of those darker moments, when the nightmares were more violent and intense but.

"Uh, sorry if I woke you. Couldn't sleep for shit either."

But Ai asks him, because it's Ai and he always puts the wellbeing of Rin first. "...yeah. I'm okay." He doesn't say alright, or fine or anything else. Because those would be a lie. Rin's just exhausted in more ways than one. His brain is fraying at the edges, and his mind feels soggy with the weight of the rain outside.

[taeru]

Rin seems-- well. Yeah, he seems okay. If there had been a building concern, the ease with which Rin dismisses him tells Ai that if he is swirling a bit, he can handle it. Ai shakes his head once.

"No, it wasn't you. Just outside." It was the truth, though a non-negligible part of his psyche is aware Rin's been really going through it on account of his lack of sleep lately, and Ai's mounting concern likely contributed some to being restless.

Getting out of bed doesn't seem like the right play - a stubborn part of Ai wants to believe that if he just wills himself hard enough he can fall asleep, surely. But the better part of him that is restless, exhausted, unawake, and conscious all at once wants to be busy with something. Making tea sounds nice. Or fetching one of his books. The issue is those really only serve him, and Ai is very aware he and Rin share the same problem. What to do...

He has a thought, though it doesn't feel appropriate. Sharing a bed when you're barely-met teenagers working through some amount of storm-related trauma during a restless night was permissible, but is there a payoff now? I can't tell if he's lonely or not, comes the first voice of doubt. And if he is, I can't be the one to fix that, comes the second.

He rubs at his face, silver hair flying every which direction.

"Maybe I'll make a tea," spoken in a tired mumble. "Something warm might help." Do you want one? Can I help those eyebags even a little bit?

[buttterfly]

His existence is to minimize himself, pretend like he left no trace. It almost feels like a silent implication. I'm already making some, so. Rin bites his lip, and ventures to take up the tiniest bit of space, make his presence known beyond this futon he so meticulously rolls up every morning.

"Could I have some?" He regrets the words before they're even out of his mouth. He should just make it himself. He tacks on quickly. "Sorry, I can actually make it if you'd rather."

Rin hates the way he backpedals like this. But the exhaustion is crashing over him, heightening those emotions that are already so intense at times. He swallows, shoving his phone under his pillow, trying to put all those unread messages at the back of his mind.

[taeru]

Ai would never in his life venture to describe Rin as timid, and certainly not insecure, yet moments like these work tenfold to remind Ai that Rin is every bit human and fallible as the rest. Was it his exhaustion, or something else? It sparks Ai to want to try harder to give Rin more space to take up, best as he can.

So he reads between the lines and tosses Rin a small, tired smile his way before lazily stepping out of the bed.

"I could use some help, if you don't mind. The decaf is on the top shelf." Which he can reach himself anyway, if on his tip-toes, but. It was more about making it explicitly clear that he was as much pitching in for Rin as he was himself - that, and maybe helping to distract him a little. He catches the way Rin shoves his phone under his pillow, and at this hour, Ai can only wonder who he's talking to or what he's looking at that's fraying his already seemingly threadbare wherewithal.

[buttterfly]

"Sure." He agrees amicably, hauling himself out of the futon easily. He tries not to stare towards the window, tries not to compartmentalize all the rain slamming against the window pane. It's easy to slip back into that mindset of panic. But he's trying really hard.

He draws in a deep breath, stretching his arms above his head before he wanders over the kitchen, opening the cabinet and pulling the decaf tea down. He looks it over between his fingertips for a moment, before putting it on the counter and pulling down some of his own. Black tea from australia he's always liked. A mixture of orange peel, cranberry and something spicy. Kind of reminds him of Christmas. And it's not like caffeine is going to keep him up anymore than whatever is brewing outside will.

Sleep. Who is she? Ugh. He rubs his eyes, stepping out of the kitchen and leaning against the wall blearily.

"Feels like it's going to rain forever at this point."

[taeru]

Ai doesn't mean to monitor Rin as if hawking for any further signs of distress, slipping into old back-bending habits like a sleeper agent instinct, but he can't help it. It is his nature to worry and fret, and it's in all the subtleties of the way Rin barely takes up space, barely engages, seems baseline uncomfortable that stokes Ai to be present in whatever way, meaningful of otherwise, he can be.

Rin rounds to the wall and Ai sets his kettle to boil, taking out two mugs - they do not match and given the designs may have both been gifts from other people - and placing one bag of decaf green in one, and one of Rin's black tea in the other. Then, it was only a matter of waiting; Ai shifts over some to be out of the way of the mugs, and with a small hup! hoists himself up onto the counter, sitting with his hands in his lap and his ankles gently crossed.

"It isn't even typhoon season. We're just getting unlucky." He looks to the window on the far wall, watching the rain assault the glass. Ai closes his eyes blearily and rubs his neck, "I think I was dreaming. I remember being in the pool at Iwatobi, but it was empty. But I saw the water above me. I could hear voices of your friends but couldn't tell who." Idle chatter barely ever went anywhere, but it's Ai's modus to chat regardless; if nothing else, it could give Rin something to focus on other than the rain, even if it's at the cost of being mildly annoyed.

[buttterfly]

"Unlucky is one way to put it."

Rin gripes, rolling his shoulders with a groan. It's quiet for a beat, before Ai starts talking about his dream. It's a weird perspective to be on the opposite side of. Ai hearing Rin's friends of all people, at a place like that? Only a typhoon in not typhoon season could bring on such a phenomena.

He waits for the tea to brew wordlessly, letting himself lean against the wall posture slackened.

"That's a weird as shit dream, Ai." Rin says bluntly, a laugh curling just around the edges of his tone. "Did it feel weird? Like dark, or lonely or anything? Or were you just subject to Nagisa whining to Rei about something? Now that sounds like some nightmare fuel."

[taeru]

He's gotten Rin to engage, which Ai considers a massive success. He knows it's only superficial, the way he can toss Rin this four-foot-deep lifeline, but it's something. It's better than letting Rin sit and ruminate and be left alone to the torrent. Rin's quip earns a genuine, soft laugh out of him.

He smiles in that way of his, so perfectly straddled between sincere and sheepish.

"Maybe a little dark. I remember trying to find a way out of the pool, but there was no ladder. And the guys outside couldn't hear me." His eyes roll up in recollection, "But being under the water was calming, so I wasn't too worried."

He does think about Rin's friends with some frequency. They were his friends too, but. Ai has always been careful in his mind to not cross boundaries and to understand his space and how much of it he could take up; Makoto, Nagisa, and especially Haruka were all pretty firmly Rin's territory first and foremost. The people who brought Rin back from the brink, accomplishing in an instant what Ai had tried to do for a year.

"If that happened in real life, I think Tachibana-san would have reacted. He's kind like that." And Ai is about to prattle on more when the kettle clicks; he hops down onto his feet, turns to the counter, and carefully pours both mugs just shy of rim full.

[buttterfly]

"Yeah." There's no room for rebuttal. Makoto's kindness extends to anybody in need of it. If Ai had been under, it wouldn't have been for long. Rin's eyes slip shut. There's something calming about being surrounded by water like that. Quiet, weightless.

"They're good guys. They would take care of you." It finally slips free, that admission. Those four would move the sun, moon and stars for somebody in need. Especially in the pool. Shit, Rin still owes Rei so much for letting him take his place in that relay. Stealing his thunder. He had worked hard for it, and Rin had flubbed so hard Seijuro booted him off the relay team. His times booted him out of the pool.

It's different now, sure. He's driven to make it to the top. But that time... he was the one floating. Weightless-- he shakes his head.

He just watches Ai pouring the tea, unsure what else to say to that.

[taeru]

"I'd like to get to know them more." It's a true and honest, even slightly vulnerable statement. He's only ever come to be in contact with the Iwatobi tribe if he was flanking Rin somewhere. Worse still were the times Rin invited them to their shared dorm back during first year and Ai, beside himself, managed to be waylaid. It was hard to feel he had a leg to stand on when all of their combined smiles could light up a whole city. It simply wasn't his place. Knowing Rin's situation though, Ai knows it would be a tall order to seek them out on his own at the moment - he has no way of knowing for sure, but he suspects Rin hasn't told any of his friends that he's back in the country, and Ai isn't eager to blow his cover.

He finishes pouring the teas, placing the kettle back onto it's base. Ai picks up Rin's mug and pads across the small kitchen space to hand it to him, "Here. Careful, it's hot." And waits for Rin to take it before rescinding himself and turning around to get his own mug.

He holds it close to his nose, waiting for the brew to become strong enough to drink. There's a calm silence in that moment; Ai is reticent to break it, but similarly is mindful to keep Rin out of his head.

"Did you sleep at all, senpai? Any dreams?" He wagers not, but.

[buttterfly]

Rin pauses, taking the cup from Ai wordlessly.

That would require Rin telling them he's here though, now wouldn't it? Makoto and Haru cozily located in this very city. Rei is off in Kyoto now, Rin thinks. Nagisa is...at Naribusawa? All close enough for it to matter though, right? Then there's that pause, as he wonders if anything would come off accusatory. why didn't you tell us sooner??? Well, politely put that would be because--

"Thanks." He cradles the cup in his hand, still firmly leaning against the wall. It's comfortable. He's too antsy to be on the futon right now, and he would hate to do something stupid and spill tea all over it. Ruin something else. He sighs.

"You should. They're always down for anything." Rin doesn't mention himself anywhere in that offer. Ai probably has their numbers, or ways to get them. Makoto is coaching Sousuke after all. There's the scantest sliver of distance between Rin being outed as being back in Japan, and everyone being blissfully unaware. He takes a too hot sip of the tea, relishing in the slight burn it leaves behind.

"Uhh. Can't say I slept much." He fumbles awkwardly, pulling himself out of that prior statement about his old band of swimmers, and shoving himself into this one as well. His dreams sucked, they always do. A far cry from the intensity they were when Rin was going through emotional shit miles high, and Ai had to watch his mess of a roommate everytime it so much as fucking sprinkled outside.

"It's fine. Might just skip my run later." Another sip. "What about you? Working today?"

[taeru]

It was a precipice Ai isn't so sure he wants to jump from without Rin being fully integrated back into his own friendgroup, on account of the current precarious nature of it all. Ai thinks he could likely meet up with Makoto at the very least and strike up something amicable without rocking the boat, but any of the others would definitely be begging to inconvenience Rin and overstep. Selfishly, Ai isn't so sure he could even look Haruka in the eye right now; hosting Rin here, knowing what Ai knows now, has stirred up all types of complicated feelings regarding the matter. The very last thing he'd want to do is get in the way of that in particular.

... And yet still. It might do him some good to at least talk to them..., is what Ai thinks.

"I'll see if Tachibana-san is free sometime soon."

There is a wall divider between the kitchen and the rest of the apartment, perpendicular to the wall Rin leans on; Ai leans against it with his shoulder, full-on slump, and his ankles cross down on the floor too. He judges the steam pluming from his tea to still be too much for the roof of his mouth, so continues to wait until the temperature isn't quite as scalding.

"A morning shift, yes. And then swim meet later in the afternoon." He'd have a four-ish hour break between both to sneak in a nap or perhaps catch up on some study work. It's something Rin may have noticed, Ai's usual daily itinerary was pretty damn stacked, and often didn't leave much room for him to come back to the apartment until well into the evening, save for the days his schedule lines up to have a full day off. Eager to keep things light, Ai sighs and presses his head against the wall, splaying silver hair against it, "Well, it has to get done, so there's no sense complaining. If I time slower it's my own fault."

[buttterfly]

Rin doesn't comment on Ai only bringing up Makoto. And he knows exactly why. Or at least he thinks he does. And he tries to shove that thought aside, because he's not trying to cause waves. It was a slip of vulnerability, brought on by sheer exhaustion. He shouldn't have been talking shit about people. Ugh.

Rin takes another sip of tea, coughing a little. "Shit, sorry. Last thing you probably need is this, then."

This meaning of course an emotionally compromised roommate with storm trauma that keeps him up at all hours. They honestly don't spend a ton of time together, it's mostly Rin making his presence scarce here and training. Rin frowns at the times comment, shooting a look over at Ai.

"The hell it is. 'My own fault'. What the hell? Shift the blame where it's due at least." Oh, okay. Maybe he is in a little bit of a mood. Sleep deprivation again. Maybe there will be one night where he doesn't snap when he doesn't sleep. But he's so fucking tired. He's so fucking tired of these storms, those fucking emails, acting like this towards someone who has been nothing but kind to him. Rin bites his lip, and tosses his gaze back to the floor. Cleaning up his mess before it's even fully spilled out.

"Sorry." He spits out, trying to sound genuine but coming up empty. "Really. I'm just tired."

[taeru]

Ai listens, he really does. And his sympathy and often times empathy for Rin run deeply, persistently, and unceasingly like river rapids. But that is three times, three! in one mouth-full that Rin's put himself at the forefront of something that is singularly not his problem and not his fault, and it's Ai's turn to snap.

His eyebrows pinch and knit low on his lids and the look he tosses Rin is evenly cut between exhausted, pleading, and frustrated.

"Do you control the weather, Rin-senpai? I've been up for as long as you have. Not every single upset this side of the Pacific is because you happen to be in proximity to other people."

And then Ai relents, and he sighs, because he doesn't like getting snippy like this. In general, but especially not with Rin. He knows it isn't helpful! It's often the case that Ai is redirecting this exact kind of tonality. He just wants to be understood, but more than that--

"I wish that were the case. I wish I had something to be angry at you about. At least then I could say you encroached enough to warrant it." I miss you. I want you around. I miss our routine. All too loaded to string together coherently, and his tired, sleep-deprived brain doesn't even want to try. Rin was afraid of taking up space; Ai was afraid of overstepping boundaries. An unstoppable force and an immovable object.

He exhales, mussing up his hair with his palm. "Or, well. That's..." Sorry, too.

[buttterfly]

Rin was expecting it. He was expecting a sharp retort, or snap or something.

And that's exactly what he got.

It's the frostiest tone he's ever heard Ai take with him. And it's barbed and pointed. Ai is not some bumbling idiot. He is a human being. And just like the rest of the world, he can snap back when he's had enough. Something on Rin's face twists in response, his lip almost curling. His blood boils. It feels like all the taunts and jabs back in his second year at Samezuka.

Always looking for a fight. Always looking for another reason to keep the distance between himself and others. Ai was the only one who wedged himself under Rin's skin, and was able to keep some semblance of conversation going. Even when Rin snapped back seventy five percent of the time.

He grits his teeth as Ai immediately backs down. It's not what he wants. It's not the tooth and claw he's so used to with another unnameable person in this world. And he doesn't know how to respond. He wants Ai angry with him. Wants him to say this isn't going to work, and give Rin a week.

"You want something to be angry about?" Rin spits again, slamming his cup on the counter. Not hard enough to break, but enough to jolt the other phantom in this room with him. It's the only way they were ever able to break this cycle. In locker rooms, alleyways, Haru's fucking house--

"Fine."

He's overstepping. He knows it. He's teetering on the precipice of never being able to go back to what they were. But it's the only language he knows how to speak when he's like this. And it's achingly haunting. Rin closes the distance, fists the front of Ai's shirt, and drags him closer.

Maybe he hesitates for a moment. Maybe there's just a moment where he's torn by whatever look is in Ai's eyes. But he tosses the thought out the window as he shoves their mouths together, dragging Ai closer as he lets his back hit the wall. He's so exhausted he doesn't think he can fully support himself standing. Especially not now when everything feels dizzying. He hates himself. Rin hates himself fully and thoroughly.

But this is the only thing that ever felt right. Even if it's not the person it always felt right with.