[Ai thinks he hears a yelp, and he definitely hears laughter. It's one of the few smiles he wears lately that is genuine, and it's just for him. Kirishima-san and Rin-senpai are awfully friendly. And he can't help but feel Rin and Ikuya have a surprisingly complicated relationship, too. He'd gotten glimpses of it back at All Japan, and certainly he and Ikuya have talked about their mutual friends once or twice, but... The heat there. It keeps surprising Ai.
How strongly Rin responds to such a thing. Always a sucker for heated expressions and the like. He can't help but wonder, where does it leave him? So rarely do he and Rin grow competitive, meaningfully or otherwise. The words on his screen remain in a bold white, Nanase Haruka (Iwatobi). There are footfalls behind him.
Ai wonders when he will stop wondering what exactly his spot, his role, his boon to Rin's life is. All he knows is that it's changed, fundamentally, and he isn't so sure if he wants to unearth its name. Best friend, Rin had said, but how much can that be true?--
He nearly jolts when Rin's voice breaks through his wayward rumination, shutting off his phone screen and pocketing it quickly. And sure, Ai could eat a horse, but.
The answer is obvious, isn't it?]
We should head back first. [To see if Nanase-san is there. And to drop off their bags, but. Ai has a hunch he knows where Rin's priorities are right now, too... So he thinks.]
Ah, but we can pick up something on the way.
[It seems Ai isn't gonna let Rin redirect, as he's already exiting the locker room, expecting Rin to follow Ai's way down the hall to the front of the building. The sun was still high on the horizon, only the late afternoon; the weather temperate. An odd and poignant calm in the universe that completely contrasts to the near-constant confusion in his head. Once he's made it outside, he slows to match Rin's pace, walking beside him.
And it seems Ai rolls a thought around in his head a little bit, before delivering it with a lopsided, sheepish smile.]
It was fun, swimming the IM together. I almost wish I hadn't so I could have watched you do it instead.
[at least ai doesn't address the elephant in the room. and rin is grateful for that. a logical conclusion, followed up by something that is a minor stall, something he's equally grateful for. not letting him ignore things (except he will absolutely continue ignoring thanks). and so rin hauls his bag a little better over himself, tagging along easily in turn.
...maybe that's ai's place in rin's life. that calm, cooling breeze settling over on a hot day. rin raises a brow at ai's words. but he can't help the smirk that tugs itself across his features]
You can just give up that victory, and pretend you watched instead. I'll take it.
[he laughs, bumping against ai as they walk, trying to embrace that normality they once shared. he knows logically, it's quite impossible. but every day he'll be damned if he doesn't at least put forth the effort]
Harder than it looks. Have to do a lot of different movement in a short amount of time. I think I almost started free instead of fly near the end. So of course you're good at it.
[the praise is well aimed, true in its meaning. ai is able to simper through pressure and everything else when rin's not mucking up his life, of course. so of course something like that is right up his alley. even if it's not quite his go to anymore. rin still remembers once upon a time it was. and he capitalizes on reminding him everytime, telling him he could square up against ikuya if he really felt like it]
You'd never be satisfied with something so easily given.
[A forfeited victory. Ai thinks back to their first year when Rin had won his race against Haruka, but seemed put off by it. He wasn't in good form, Rin had said. It's like beating an elementary schooler.
A parallel dawns on him. One that is naked with a storm outside and a too-crowded futon. Rin hadn't been satisfied then either, right? Because it was too easy. Ai wonders, passively, when he will stop thinking about that night, as he quickly moves on from the thought and hopes Rin didn't pick up on the same, nearly clearing his throat in the process,]
Huh?
[He doesn't get Rin's implication at first, but then it settles. And because Ai is singularly unable to take a compliment, he smiles in that deflective way of his,]
But it's fun, isn't it? To push your body in that kind of way. I'm definitely rusty, though. If I wanted to think about it seriously, I'd have to talk it over with the coaches.
[Which is to say he won't. I want to specialize in two strokes, just like you. Even at that time, he'd been so-- honest. Ai sneaks a glance at Rin from the corner of his eye before looking forward again as they walk, ignoring how even now, even now, such a small thing can make his heart hiccup,]
Well... I know I have to focus on breast. It's critical I keep my times low before competitions start.
[So I can join you on that stage. Of course Ai wants it for himself too, but. Who was responsible for getting him here? Somehow, saying that out loud seems like too much, so he keeps it to himself.]
Ah, [he gestures to a tiny bakery as they walk past,] How about here? I still want to try an authentic Paris baguette.
[got him there. he huffs, rolling his eyes and rubbing the back of his neck]
Whatever, ugh.
[rin tries not to think about that night. easier said than done. it's not because the act itself was bad. it's because his behavior surrounding the whole affair was...disgusting, to put it lightly. he tries not to think about how he tried goading ai into hurting him, like that would somehow make it better. he tried not to think about the fallout that still lingers in the back of his mind in the form of a creepy voicemail that he wasn't alone in. tried not to think about sousuke's glistening gaze and how he made ai cry and yell and--]
Call that shit fun?
[that's easier to focus on, and rin snorts, shifting his hold on his bag. though he's dimly aware of ai shifting away from the compliment stratosphere. and his lip twitches and he bumps ai's shoulder again, this time a little harder]
Take the compliment, geez. Your breast times got you here, right? It's not like you're forgetting them or anything. Just...putting them to a different use. You should talk it over with them. What's the worst they say? Doubt they'd even say no...
[rin's...encouragement talks need some work if he ever wants to be a coach of some kind. but the silent implication rings true between them. despite it all, rin isn't dropping that dream. to stand on the international stage with his friends. and he knows ai isn't keen of dropping that dream either. the one that's swam beside them all these years, even through all the monumental fuckups and lack of communication--]
Of all things...
[rin laughs, pulling the door open for ai. stiffening with the realization, but he tries to swallow it down. it's just something he's going to have to hurdle over time and time again until he forgets it (he won't)]
[He levels A Look on Rin, because Rin should know by now Ai was a professional at getting around being told something nice so point blank. And he was very very good at not dismissing it either, okay! Because it means someone has delivered their honest sentiments to him, which he values deeply. Being forthright like that, even if it's something as banal and simple as a compliment, can be hard sometimes. But Ai's opinion of himself, especially lately, has been catastrophically horrendous, so.
Rin gets a look. And eyes where Rin's just bumped his shoulder, before Ai melts into a deadpan.]
I want to focus on breast. I have a goal, and IM or 400m free right now would distract from it. You know what it feels like to spread too thin, don't you?
[And Ai doesn't have a single fucking clue about last year's kerfuffle behind closed doors, other than a few ominous texts from his uncle, so good luck with that one Rin.
You know what isn't laden in double entendre, or trauma, or bad memories, or regret? Baguettes. Ai steps in ahead of Rin with a polite little bow of his head for the gesture, not thinking of it too much unlike Rin, and all but trots to one of the display counters. His eyes scan over all of the overly sweet pastries - even too sweet for him - and to more of the savoury baked goods. Ai taps at his chin; he thinks he knows what he wants, but.
He's too considerate for his own good, and constantly trying to model for Rin a normalcy Ai himself doesn't even feel, so he looks over to Rin with an inquisitive expression that belies the pull in his gut,]
What do you think Nanase-san would like? I think we should bring something back for him, just in case.
[the look that gets from rin is downright deadpan in exchange. it's something he's put far back in the confines of his brain. and rin acts like it was some big secret, and there's no way on planet earth it was]
...got it.
[at least ai still has the superpower in putting rin in his place when it matters. though the embarrassment flushing his cheeks seems more akin to shame than anything beyond that. like a kid with his hand in the fucking cookie jar.
he drops it.
the bakery smells nice. it's quite literally a breath of fresh air from whatever conversation they were just traversing towards. and rin isn't a fan of sweets, but the smell of the place is nice. it's warm inside, and quiet enough that he doesn't feel trapped or anything. quite the opposite. he's content to trail behind ai, looking at the various things. most of which he doesn't have a clue what they are but.
still, rin stiffens a little. right. that unspoken thing earlier. he figures ai won't let him let it go. he didn't their first year. he won't their tenth or twentieth if they make it that far either. rin huffs, kneeling down to look at a few things, squinting at the display cases]
Find something shaped like...
[his eye catches it before he even finishes his sentence. there's a little pastry that looks like a. shark? fish? something. an elegant little puff pastry garnished with some chives. he tries to read off the sign, pointing at it and well. it's obvious his french needs some work but]
Salmon en croute. Yeah, he'd probably like that.
[rin continues to look over everything, casting a sidelong glance at ai as he fishes in his bag for his wallet]
[In Ai's head, it was painful in its simplicity. He could gnash his teeth, move planets, level mountains, raise oceans, lasso the stars-- and none of it would matter. But if Nanase Haruka had a ten minute conversation with Rin in a natatorium parking lot, if Nanase Haruka swam a ten minute relay with him, if Nanase Haruka met up with him for ten minutes on railroad tracks--
Minutes. It took minutes for him to do what Ai spends months, years trying to accomplish. And so he has no choice. If Rin is content to be stubborn in admitting whether or not things are complicated, he will find Ai's tenacity a rough beast to quell. Because in Ai's mind, he has spent too much time taking Rin's smile away, when he can see an easy means of making sure it doesn't happen again. It has played in his mind over and over since that night, but especially since talking with Sousuke. How much different things would be if he'd had the strength to send Haruka a text sooner. Ai wasn't an idiot, had known from the start why Rin was there, so why? Why hesitate?
... For the same reasons you laid with him.
He has no words and no outward reason for why his shoulders stiffen.]
Ah, you don't,
[Except Ai recalls suddenly that Rin insisted very strongly on covering their next meal, so. He guesses this is it.]
... Thank you, Rin-senpai,
[Ai relents, approaching the register and its attendant with an overly confident and smooth] Bonjour, [followed by their order so far: salmon en croute for their missing party, a demi baguette and jam for Ai.
He looks to Rin with a gesture for him to finish out with what he'd like. And no, he can't speak French, but he sure can mimic the accent, thanks to his music. The cashier looks between the both of them, thoroughly unimpressed.]
Look. I've got sponsor money now, so just let me--
[but ai relents easier than rin anticipates. and it even pulls a little wide eyed gaze from him in exchange. it just melts into a thank you instead, and why do those words in that tone set him ablaze like that? why on earth is he wanting to bristle like some offended cat? what, did he just think it would be harder than that? he should be happy ai let it go so easily. why does he want to brawl so much with people? he doesn't get it.
...maybe that's why haru is able to just say a few words to him and it sets him ablaze. always that stupid lingering competition, thinly veiled by dry, smarmy words.
rin is temporarily awestruck in the way ai pulls it off flawlessly. and maybe ai catches him staring for a minute. because he quickly jerks himself out of it, and stares at the pastry case, desperately looking for something that isn't going to be too sweet but--]
A-Ah! Desolee. Tarte...fruits?
[rin points at a small berry tart in the case. he really wants some fruit and hopes that one won't be too bad. it looks like just raspberries on top of the custard so...
he equally hopes he didn't butcher that. fuck, he forgot the aux didn't he?? before he can apologize though the attendant begins gathering their things like they didn't just listen to rin botch it terribly, and rin shoves his card into the slot with a huff, not even looking at the total]
Quit one upping me. [rin snorts playfully] You make it look so easy.
[rin knows he has everyone else owned on english but that's about as far as it goes. he can maybe get some basics everywhere else they go but...]
[Whatever introspection or realizations Rin has is completely lost on Ai, especially as he is greeted to the first real instance of listening to Rin speak French since they've landed in Paris. It isn't that he thinks it's bad!!!! It isn't even that Rin stumbles over his words-- Ai couldn't actually pin what it is. Maybe the way Rin's voice has to hitch just a little to naturally accommodate the accent? The upward inflection of his question? The rare uncertainty Ai hears laced into the stumbled words?
His smile is too wide, teeth too visible, and he turns his head away from both Rin and the cashier in order to hide his mouth behind his knuckles. Even if he wasn't already five years deep into sentiments he'd rather cut away, the response is potent and obvious,
He sounded cute, trying to say it.
Ai still hesitates even when Rin addresses him, taunts him. Because his smile is still too wide and he doesn't want Rin thinking he's laughing at him, because he's not! And also doesn't want Rin to know Ai thinks it was charming, because that's true, which is worse. Ai turns around away from Rin in order to approach the front door, but not without first letting loose a sing-songy,] Merci beaucoup!
[His turn to hold the door open for Rin, and their present circumstance and his misplaced glee wiping his mind of memories from when he'd been a bit bolder and a bit more deluded,]
I said two words, senpai. [It's be impossible for Rin not to face him now, and so it's impossible to hide his smile anymore.] You sounded great.
[he huffs, waltzing through the doorway after the cashier bags up their procured goodie bags. fresh air feels better, his migraine is mostly dispersed. but there's still some lingering phantom pains. or maybe aches is the better word for it. whatever. it's just better out here than some stuffy shop, despite how nice it smells.
though he can't fight the hint of red that touches his cheeks at ai's compliment. it feels...unfair. undeserved heaps of praise that he's being subject to. well, maybe not heaps. but it feels like it sometimes. but there's a little glimmer at the end of the tunnel at least. maybe their hotel room can be a source of less hostility and awkwardness, and more attune to how other dorm-mates find themselves. at home. comfortable. mildly annoyed when haruka nanase takes up the whole bath--
he pauses for a moment to allow ai to catch up after he held the door open for them, and then sets his pace to match ai's, just taking in the scenery around them. sometimes, when he thinks back to being a kid and making it to the top of the world? it felt more grounded and at home. but now here he is. being shown all this new culture and new sights with his friends. the most important people to him]
...still doesn't feel real sometimes.
[rin finally settles on as they near the hotel, and he casts a look across the street to somebody just out there--painting--of all things. and something absolutely stunning at that. there's street artists all around the world sure, but that one just seems perfectly placed there. like he's meant to see it. how childish]
[The wistful, nostalgic nature of Rin's voice tugs gently at Ai's heartstrings. So much can change in such a small amount of time; in his own head, when he thinks back to meeting Rin back in elementary school, it feels like a lifetime ago. Ai smiles in that rueful way of his,]
Even at that age, it's all you ever wanted. Right? I think if it was inevitable for anyone to wind up on this stage, it'd be you, Rin-senpai.
[And it isn't just patting Rin's ass. That is maybe the worst part of it, whenever Ai says something nice, a compliment, an accolade: he means it. Sincerely, wholly. From the bottom of his heart he believes Rin manifested his own dream. With everything Ai has. And since day one it's breathed an untold amount of inspiration into him.
He feels Rin's eyes on him, and meets them somewhat sheepishly from the corner of his own. Before melting into a soft smile, paired with a shake of his head.]
Not at all. When I think to that younger me, he's unrecognizable. [Starry-eyed. Eager. Reckless. Rin's memories of that relay in elementary school were completely different, but they set Ai on a trajectory he could have no way of knowing would radicalize his very existence.
... Ai pauses at the awning of their hotel. Looks down the length of his body.]
This person is unrecognizable from even two years ago. If I told him where life would take me, I don't think he'd believe me, either.
[You will make it to the Japan national swimming team. You will have your heart shattered. You'll travel all over the world for training. And you will never, ever change who you are. He could sit here and reminisce on it all for another hour, but instead does both him and Rin the favour of entering into the hotel, blessed by the automatic door this time.
... Maybe on day three, it'll feel like a haven. Unfortunately, reentering the building is accompanied with all the same unsettled nerves as the day before and the morning earlier. He approaches the elevator, chooses not to think about the overly tense conversation he and Rin had in one just hours ago, and patiently waits for one of them to drop to the lobby floor.]
[and equally, ai's words tug at rin's heartstrings in turn.
not him patting rin's ass. but talking fondly back about the person ai used to be. unrecognizable. and doesn't rin relate to that fiercely? life's highway is a strange and winding one. there's never any guessing where exactly it will take you. rin can't say he thought about...how things would end up in that too small apartment.
all the fallout from it. professional, personal. rin tries not to sour, but maybe his expression gives him away for a moment. but he tries to focus on the positives. ai's contemplation coupled with his whimsical words, that seem so light. unfortunately, rin is a little oblivious to exactly where ai's mind heads off to. and that's on him for being a selfishly fueled person. it's easy to read people, sure. but when they sound like that? it's a little easier.
though rin does damn near splutter at ai's question. he got into thinking he was going to get off scott free about last night. and maybe his face heats up a little at all the memories. not just of haru, but of just letting loose in a strange, new and dizzily exciting place. he worries his lip for a moment. that sourness just turns into a mournful thing.
that ai wasn't there experiencing it with them.
he huffs, and rubs the back of his neck, squeezing his eyes shut as he waits for the elevator with a tapping foot. it wouldn't do him any good to lie either, but. the ding of the elevator sounds it's arrival, and rin watches some teammates and strangers scurry off before they enter, and he furiously presses their floor and jams the "close" button repeatedly, before anyone else can even think of squeezing in here. he groans]
It was good. Great. I got so fucking trashed, I probably made a fool of myself but...
[but that much was probably obvious. considering him and haru's state of disarray when they entered, and how furious rin's head was pounding this morning. not to mention how thoroughly ai trashed him in their little race. he remembers natsuya's laugh. dancing with haru. ikuya's fingers through his belt loop, tugging him in for a dance as well. he remembers so many drinks he forgot but]
City missed you though.
[and the doors open, and he steps off with a huff. he meant it. ai's his best friend.
[He couldn't have known. The text message that never was, the silhouette that never took shape. And so he assumes it's a platitude from Rin, even if the vulnerability in his voice becomes hard to read as a result.
... Because he'd seen it for himself. How literally on top of each other the two of them had been when they came back to the hotel. How loose Haru's tongue was, of all people. And it painted a very bold picture that only made Ai even more glad he hadn't gone. Given all, what space would he have there? The thought alone makes him anxious to go tonight. Worried what sort of mess will come from drinking; what sort of questions will be raised if he doesn't. Unsure if he can survive a night without an out.
He steps in alongside Rin, simper painted on his face and doing a great job at hiding his dismay with it all,]
Just a little bit. Actually, I'm still more surprised at Nanase-san than anything.
[Which is still not exactly confirmation he'd heard that last night, but it's about the fourth time Ai's skated around it. City missed you, though. It's... Much harder, this time, to hide the way his expression is crestfallen. Were he to exact his truths, he risks guilting Rin too much, and Ai doesn't want that. They talked it through this morning, after all.]
Sorry. I really wasn't feeling up to it. [I think I made the right choice.] But, we can make up for it tonight, right? [But don't set your expectations too high.
He wonders if he should prematurely send Sousuke a few texts as a safety net.
Ai trails right behind Rin down their hallway back to their room, smoothing one hand over his opposite forearm. For Rin's sake, he hopes Haruka's back in the room; for his own, he hopes he isn't. Ai feels a little selfish for even thinking such a thing.]
[he's digging through his pockets, clambering for his stupid fucking keycard. he pulls his phone out first, but it immediately falls from his hand, clattering on the floor in front of their door. this feels like the closest confirmation ai's given, the one rin has equally been skating around in full on terror. his finger shake around where his phone had been previously]
I... What did he--
[what did you hear him say? what did you see him do? rarely, is rin rendered speechless but. well. ai has always been so adept at disarming him. it's no surprise this is any different]
I told you. Guy needs to hold his booze better.
[...which equally does little to confirm or deny ai's suspicions around everything. rin knows they didn't fucking do anything. but the rest of the world doesn't know that. and it's looking less and less likely. he leans down to snatch his phone off the floor, fingers white knuckled around it]
It's fine. I'm not forcing you, sorry. That was a shitty thing to say.
[rin tries to scramble for something else, and sucks at it per usual. he tries to focus on ai's well being more than whatever the hell happened last night between the two. rin finally finds his keycard, and holds it up for a moment, huffing as he stares at it]
I'll hang back with you if that's what you want.
[he offers gently, trying to press the card against the slot without much luck. he huffs, trying to take on a more earnest tone]
Just know I'm not forcing you into shit.
[he hears the beep, and shoves the door open. and by some small miracle haru is in there. except he's in the middle of changing, and rin is treated to a full fucking frontal and whips around really fast, gritting his teeth]
The fuck did I say about keeping your pants on?
[he can't see haru, but can hear the pouting in his voice. "You didn't knock."]
Yeah, cause it's my room too, jackass! Do that shit in the bathroom.
[he just hopes what he's hearing is haru pulling all his clothes back on. rin passes a glance over at ai, brow twitching. it's going to be awkward no matter what. so he's just trying. for ai's fucking sake. he steps aside to let haru go to the bathroom, and pulls the door shut behind the team japan hopeful]
[Rin had... A similar reaction when Ai had gently pinned him about Rin's chance encounter with Haruka, too. Over dinner, with their coaches. Which is all the confirmation Ai needs. Maybe Rin and Haruka didn't do anything, but sometimes action means little in the face of intention. If he hadn't been in the room, how different would things have been?
It's that familiar feeling, a tightness in his throat, mirroring a tightness in his gut. He'd felt it when they'd left the room and came back last night; felt it in that natatorium parking garage. Ai still isn't sure how to cope with it, and resents his instinct is split twain between rolling over and taking it or running.
And then Rin is-- back pedaling, in that unique way he does when he has a notion in his head. It tells Ai he's said something to make Rin feel guilty after all, and Rin's dropped his phone and his words are rapid fire and Ai can see, with his eyes, that his hand is shaking and. Professional as always, Ai puts on a sympathetic expression - not quite a smile, but the kindness does kiss his eyes, at least - and very very gently touches Rin's back. Grounding him; reaffirming Ai isn't scared of him.]
Senpai, it's okay.
[Something tells him Rin would sooner jump out a window than spend an evening holed up in here with him. He knows because Rin was barely tolerating Ai's apartment shortly before departure. Ai barely manages to get out,]
I know you wouldn't,
[Force me, but his words are cut short by the door opening and then Rin spinning around in record speed. Ai had been about to walk in right behind him, but is suddenly met face-to-face with an owlish Rin. Ai blinks. Turns his cheek, and takes a step back. And only once Rin's moved does he follow in after, peering around him as if to try and see whatever it was he's just missed, ignoring the flutter in his chest... Ah, but Haruka's already in the bathroom. Then Rin's beckoning him one last time, and Ai chooses to focus on that net positive, rather than fall victim to the churning tempest in his chest.]
It was. [He looks down. To the bathroom. Then, hushed and quickly to Rin,] ... Sorry, again, for this morning. I don't have words for how grateful I am that you're patient with all this stuff. [Yeah. Stuff. And Ai's gonna need to borrow a bit of that patience to make it through tonight, he knows it.
So it's away from Rin and over to his bed, sorting through his sports bag for his wet clothes to gently rinse once Haruka frees the bathroom. Funny; they'd gone through all that fuss for some food, and Ai no longer has an appetite.]
[his thoughts flit to one place when he feels ai's kindness manifest, hears the softness in his words.
i don't deserve it.
he doesn't deserve any of this. not the world, not these people that keep letting him back in when he massively fucks them over one way or another. rin wishes ai were scared of him, waltzed right down to miyakawa or ryuji or mikhail or whoever would listen and demand a room change. then rin could wallow in the selfishness of his own mistakes and live miserably knowing he's hurt yet somebody else. but that's a perfect world where ai looks out for himself, and not for others]
Got nothing to be sorry for.
[rin blurts out, rubbing the back of his head as he lets the door close behind them. because it's not ai's fault. not by a long shot. everything boils down to rin. how much fun could they all be having together if rin had kept his legs closed, his temper in check? if he'd just been honest to haru and sousuke and everyone from the start about coming back to japan? trying not to avoid a stupid "breakup" if it could even be called that at this point?
things could be so much different.
rin waltzes over to his bed, dumping his swim bag on it. before he stares at the bag looped around his other wrist and gnashes his teeth together. more delicately than he should pulling the pastries out, and rolling the small plastic container of his tart in his hand. he sighs, and walks over, holding the bag out for ai to do the same. he gets it without ai even having to say it.
who can have an appetite after something like that?
eventually, haru comes out of the bathroom, and rin is pouting on his bed, glaring daggers at his tart. he'll shower later. he at least grabbed one when they got out of the pool, and took longer than he should have anyway, kept ai waiting...he tosses the bag on haru's bed]
Since you ran off without saying anything.
[and that's all he says before he rolls back over, pulling out his phone]
...you can grab the shower first. Sorry dolphin boy is a hog with it.
[It's a kind simper given Rin's way when he comes to deliver Ai's demi-baguette, which he takes, because now it'd be rude not to. For a moment he awkwardly stands holding the thing, but food is an idea that just makes him nauseous to think about now. How quickly his mood and mental had plummeted. I need a better constitution than this.
His excuse is that the shower is free and Rin is all but ushering him away and Ai knows when to take a hint, so the demi-baguette is going to have to go unattended for a little while on their shared desk for now.
He gathers a change of clean clothes, mindful that he'll be wearing them out later. Bows his head politely toward Haruka while passing him on the way to the shower room. And disappears behind it except for his head,]
I'll be quick,
[Said to Rin before the shower room door closes behind him.
Ai turns on the shower and... Slumps against the wall. Wrings his eyes shut. He'd been doing so good, what happened? Nerves, he guesses. About what the evening might bring. It was easy to tolerate all of this in a hotel room, it felt like the devil you know. Rin's awkwardness around him in closed space; Rin's seemingly unstoppable gravitation toward ocean eyes. Poor Haruka. Ai thinks to that little statuette he had been given as some sort of peace offering, all because he couldn't keep his mood together long enough for it not to seep through the cracks. He realizes with dawning horror, too, he'd forgotten to text Sousuke. Ugh.
He'll get to it after. More than the hot water presently filling the room with steam, Ai is preoccupied with ideation of how he could kill this part of himself once and for all.
Clothes, off; shower, entered. It's an unremarkable affair, washing himself down as his mind races a mile a minute. Shuts the water off, scruffs his hair damp-to-dry, and pulls his clothes on. Deeeep breath in. Loooow exhale out. Ai lets a few seconds hang between him depressing the doorknob and pushing the door, as if to alert people he was entering the room. Just in case. Pokes his head out first...]
It's free,
[Before weaseling out and headed toward his bed. Sitting on it upright, phone pulled into his lap. Right, texting Sousuke--]
[he doesn't know what turmoils ai is warring with inside the confines of the shower. rin can only focus on not warring with whatever is swirling inside his own head currently. even though rin feels like ai ushered himself out a bit too soon, didn't pause to offer it to rin first like he normally would...rin groans, threading his fingers through his hair with a hard tug. he doesn't understand how everytime haru enters the equation, they take two steps back.
he hates it.
he hates himself more.
haru obviously notices rin's mood tank, the silence sweltering between them. and he isn't quite sure what happens but he feels the side of his bed dip and something brush against his cheek. his breath hitches, as he hears a concerned tone softly breaking into the tensed atmosphere.
"are you alright?" but all rin can think about is that bathroom door opening any second, and he turns his cheek away from haru, pressing his face into the pillow with a mutter]
Fine.
[...which thankfully, haru seems to take the hint and leaves him be. but not without lingering on rin's bed for a moment. before he departs to his own, fidgeting with the paper his pastry came wrapped in. rin buries his face harder into the pillow, trying to get a hold of his breathing. thankfully ai saves him, and peeks his head out. and rin has never scrambled off a bed faster in his life, grabbing a pair of fresh clothes and making a break for the bathroom.
the second the door closes behind him, he raps his fist against his forehead, gnashing his teeth. he all but slams the shower handle on hot, stripping off his clothes as fast as he can. he almost doesn't get his tank off in time as he's trying to get in as fast as possible. everything feels too loud. and all he can hear is porcelain shattering on the floor, all the looks ai has suddenly been able to muster ever since that night. the ones that look hurt or angry or--
he winces a little, the water a touch too hot the moment it burns his skin. but he festers in it momentarily, enjoying the sting. there's still a few weeks left of this. he's about this close to saying he has a family emergency and he has to go. or saying he's sick and needs his own bunk. something. anything. he hates putting his friendship in jeopardy. he hates whatever is going on between him and haru. and he doesn't know what the right answer is.
he hates that at the back of his mind he--
his fist smacks against the shower wall, and rin winces. but it was something. a temporary break from the confined slogs of his own head. he draws in a shuddering breath, succumbing to the water and dimly washing the rest of the chlorine off from their earlier swim. practically scrubbing his body wash onto him, trying desperately to get rid of the smell.
it's a good twenty minutes before he finally emerges again, looking a little worse for wear. the steamcloud that rolls out after him is...intense to say the least. it's some small wonder he was able to breathe at all in there]
[There's a tension in the air he can't - doesn't want to - identify when he emerges. But he knows a few things for certain. Rin had not been face-down when Ai had entered the shower room. Haru had not been facing Rin's bed when Ai had entered the shower room. And the speed with which Rin barges in is maybe more proof than the forensics.
Someone said something.
His intuition is astoundingly close, and maybe doesn't pin-point happenstance out of sheer luck. Ai deflates a little, standing like an idiot in the space between the row of beds and the bathroom door. Rather than look hurt, or frustrated, his brow is tied in a tight knot. Pure resolution mode. If I'm going to kill it, it has to be tonight.
He's unsure if he should even apologize to Haruka. What for, existing? It seems apt, if he's honest. Simply being has enabled so many of Rin's recent problems. How much happier would he be if he didn't have to dance around the obvious landmine? The shadow of the elephant in the room spans larger and larger by the minute.
Ai sits on his bed, one leg tucked under the other, and fires off a few texts to Sousuke. His face still down at his phone, he wears a put-on smile.]
It's a bit silly, isn't it? How much he frets.
[He's not even sure if Haruka is listening, and Ai doesn't look over to check. It's as he speaks he hears the knob of the door click,]
If Rin-senpai just did what Rin-senpai wants to do, I think he'd be a lot happier.
[well. it's not like there wasn't some small sting seeing rin swim the individual medley with somebody. and haru doesn't know why he was even fussing over it in the first place. it's not his place to dictate where or what or who rin can swim with. him and ikuya were practicing exchanges anyways, so why--
he forgets about it soon enough. it's easy to let those things be sidelined, and forgotten about after all. maybe it's not the most healthy coping mechanism, but it's what's worked for him famously in the past. not. but there's no malice or grimace towards nitori in any capacity. not even towards rin for giving him the cold shoulder. haru simply shrugged it off and gave him his space.
...and for some reason, nitori doesn't seem quite himself either. coming out of the shower, immediately pulling his phone out and. that expression seems a bit familiar. like the one makoto puts on when something else is going on. but haru isn't one to pry for details. only give that shoulder or ear if it's needed. in his own strange haru fashion.
he tilts his head at nitori. well not like ragging on rin isn't a past time of his but...]
It's just how he is.
[is it? haru wonders sometimes. before rin comes out of the bathroom, haru turns to face his other roommate. there's still. something from whatever happened between them. it's not haru's business still. even though sometimes he's curious about it. nitori killed the prospect, however, all the way back at all japan. and haru didn't want to press him, sensing some obvious hurt from all of this. he casts a glance back at the bathroom door. well.
it feels like there's something else lingering in nitori's words. a secret meaning. like one of those pictures if you squint at the right way you see something else entirely]
[at least the shower wasn't the worst thing. it helped soothe his addled brain a bit. and rin is oblivious to whatever awkward tension settled over before he all but slammed his way out of the bathroom with a huff.
he doesn't want his best friend to feel this way. he just wants this to be fixed. dimly, he almost texts...someone. anyone that would listen. miyakawa or mikhail or fuck even ryuuji at this point. just for some guidance or answers or the quickest aid to fucking change rooming assignments with anybody else. if it saved ai's mind? he would fucking pay for his own hotel for the next two weeks.
he doesn't know what he's walked into either. and he doesn't want to know. so he tosses his dirty clothes into a little pile next to his bed, grabbing a clean shirt and pulling it on. he's never been ashamed of his body much. but for some reason right now? feeling exposed, shirtless is the last thing he wants.
but he slips right back into that persona, that mask he's become so adept at wearing. he looks over at ai as haru goes to pull out one of his sketchbooks from his dresser, completely ignoring him if he's going to do the same and pout or whatever he's doing. he looks at his own phone as he tosses himself onto his bed, squinting at the unreads he's been subject to in less than thirty minutes. ugh]
...Natsuya said they're going out again tonight.
[there's no confirmation or denying that they're going out or he's accepting or anything else, except--]
Nope. Not dealing with that fuckin' hangover again.
[...but he's also not saying he'll go out either. ikuya sent him some stupid video he'll look at later. right now he's just focused on diffusing the tension he's caused]
Ai's lips hang open just a beat too long. The obvious answer clinging onto the back of his tongue for dear life. Even just in this capacity, saying it so plainly would make it all real. But, it'd also kill it. It'd be the first step toward purging this sickness from his system, from Rin's psyche, from this hotel room.
I think he should tell you how he really feels.
His lips barely form around the first syllable of the thought when Rin crash-lands back into their room, and the way Ai jolts is almost dramatic in its shift. It's all he can do to shoot Haruka an apologetic smile, knowing he's inadvertently cut their conversation short-- never mind expending the mental energy to bring his pulse back down to something more manageable, and to tell the suddenly vibrating moths in his gut to keep still.
Rin mulls about the room getting himself situated, and Ai is polite and not ogling. From his periphery he can also see Haru is disinterested - feigned or otherwise - and seems to be reaching for something else. Then Rin is mentioning his texts, and Ai almost protests, because. He'd decided he had a plan, and for it to work he needed Rin there, and.
It'd seem awfully silly if he suddenly grew so upset at Rin choosing not to be present, especially so when Ai was the one who bailed the night before. He swallows around nothing, stares down at his phone, and then--]
Nanase-san, [his new scapegoat,] Will you still be going out tonight? [He scratches his cheek.] It's too bad. Maybe I should have gone last night after all.
he was honestly going to go. it's easy to feign sobriety after such an intense night. easy to push off any drink onto someone else. easy to escape the suffocating labyrinth of this room. maybe even get his friend to come out with him...? but rin shoots ai a look. it's so brief it might not even be caught because now there's something else hanging in the air. nanase-san. will you still be going out tonight? and rin sees exactly what passes over haru's gaze. he knows the look all too well.
and that's when his body instinctively leans into a fight or flight. he tenses, panic flooding every sense. no no no no no. he was banking on that not lingering. being able to escape again and again, and here he is. still wanting to escape all of his problems. ai, haru...how many more times does he have to run before this can settle itself?
how many more people have to hurt in the process?
haru looks over at ai, like that looks never crossed his face to begin with. and merely shrugs giving a little maybe. almost like he's unsure of how to proceed either. maybe he's banking on rin, maybe--]
Y-You ever hear back from Sousuke, Ai??
[rin blurts out suddenly, slamming his phone against the mattress in a less than gentle manner. diversion, diversion, diversion. ]
[He's stepped on a landmine. He couldn't have known, and still isn't entirely sure what or how he said that could somehow rend both Rin and Haruka's expressions. The former more than the latter sure, but.
Rin wants to run? Ai wants to disappear.
... It's hard to get a grip on his senses. Everything screams at him loudly that the message is clear, Rin is using sobriety as an excuse to not go despite saying he had been missed - a platitude. And Haruka has no inclination to fraternize with a parasite. Rin mentioning Sousuke is throwing him a bone and giving him a clear, loud out. Suddenly, rejection seems the easier choice. Ai's mentally prepared for that, for years. But being denounced as so utterly unwanted cuts in a way Ai couldn't have prepared himself for. It's a jolt to his system, and the room is now three for three on men who wear expressions they'd rather not. Blink-and-miss-it, the confused hurt pinches his eyebrows before he remembers there are two sets of eyes on him.
Rin would never. Yet it is the only reasonable conclusion Ai can come to. His brain works overtime to rationalize it as anything else, but it's evident by the stifling silence in the room no one else seems fit to fix it. He winces, holds back the need to cry, and sits up just a bit straighter on the bed. Ai waves his hand in front of his face, as if dismissing a thought that had been too silly to say out loud, and forces a smile onto his lips.]
A-Ah, well! You both had lots happen last night, it's to be expected you'd want to recover. I should have considered that. Kirishima-san is impressive, isn't he...
[No, he's not. But like Rin, he's throwing out diversions, because his eyes feel too hot and if he doesn't run his mouth, they will start leaking--
Yeah, he's on his feet. Almost antsy and unnerved in the way he goes to the desk, picks up his baguette, but makes no move to try and eat it. His voice chips around the edges when addressing the question of Sousuke,]
I'd asked him how practice went, he seems to be doing well.
[Ai puts the baguette back down.]
Ah, but nothing about tonight. I should probably ask, right?
[He swallows too thickly around nothing, and is suddenly padding for the front door.]
That's silly, I forgot to get-- I'll be back! I just-- the vending machine,
[Without so much as his wallet or his phone or his keycard, Ai doesn't wait a damn second for rebuttal or confused noises. In an instant the door is behind him, and he's peeling off for the ice dispensing area. It's as fit a place to have a quiet breakdown as any.]
[he's already seeing what's happening--what's threatening to play out again. and that panic only intensifies. not towards his own situationship, but merely for his friend. the one that's been boiling over, the one rin feels the agonizingly guilt over.
his voice sounds so agonizingly broken, rin knows that facade. not because he has heard ai in such dire straights before. no, it's because he knows what it means to slip into that mask. trying to keep yourself so together that everything else starts to crack and crumble at the edges. maybe haru has the same thought when the prospect of the vending machine suddenly comes out of nowhere. rin thought he might bolt, but then ai does it. and he stiffens as that door slams behind him.
because he's broken in his thought process for a moment. time alone with haruka fucking nanase. isn't that what he's both craved and despaired over? but... haru's gaze trails after ai too, a little wide eyed and then.
rin goes right after him.
there's no telling if he'll find him or not. ai has a little distance on him because rin is a fucking coward. and he doesn't quite know where to look. maybe vending machines should have been the first place because...well. isn't this where some of this began? right in front of a vending machine? rin remembers ai's wide eyed expression, something he's only seen once since--
he remembers the gentle fingertips wrapped around his own hand, completely uncaring of what might transpire to him. only caring about the fact that rin might hurt himself further. there's a sting in the corner of his eyes, that shame welling and bubbling over the surface. oh how he hates himself.
and eventually maybe he does find ai by the vending machine. maybe it takes him some time. or maybe he doesn't but...god does he try. even texting sousuke, asking him that so stupid question. one he hates for asking. because he as a good friend should always know where ai is right? have you seen ai?]
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no subject
Date: 2025-12-30 10:57 pm (UTC)How strongly Rin responds to such a thing. Always a sucker for heated expressions and the like. He can't help but wonder, where does it leave him? So rarely do he and Rin grow competitive, meaningfully or otherwise. The words on his screen remain in a bold white, Nanase Haruka (Iwatobi). There are footfalls behind him.
Ai wonders when he will stop wondering what exactly his spot, his role, his boon to Rin's life is. All he knows is that it's changed, fundamentally, and he isn't so sure if he wants to unearth its name. Best friend, Rin had said, but how much can that be true?--
He nearly jolts when Rin's voice breaks through his wayward rumination, shutting off his phone screen and pocketing it quickly. And sure, Ai could eat a horse, but.
The answer is obvious, isn't it?]
We should head back first. [To see if Nanase-san is there. And to drop off their bags, but. Ai has a hunch he knows where Rin's priorities are right now, too... So he thinks.]
Ah, but we can pick up something on the way.
[It seems Ai isn't gonna let Rin redirect, as he's already exiting the locker room, expecting Rin to follow Ai's way down the hall to the front of the building. The sun was still high on the horizon, only the late afternoon; the weather temperate. An odd and poignant calm in the universe that completely contrasts to the near-constant confusion in his head. Once he's made it outside, he slows to match Rin's pace, walking beside him.
And it seems Ai rolls a thought around in his head a little bit, before delivering it with a lopsided, sheepish smile.]
It was fun, swimming the IM together. I almost wish I hadn't so I could have watched you do it instead.
no subject
Date: 2025-12-30 11:10 pm (UTC)[at least ai doesn't address the elephant in the room. and rin is grateful for that. a logical conclusion, followed up by something that is a minor stall, something he's equally grateful for. not letting him ignore things (except he will absolutely continue ignoring thanks). and so rin hauls his bag a little better over himself, tagging along easily in turn.
...maybe that's ai's place in rin's life. that calm, cooling breeze settling over on a hot day. rin raises a brow at ai's words. but he can't help the smirk that tugs itself across his features]
You can just give up that victory, and pretend you watched instead. I'll take it.
[he laughs, bumping against ai as they walk, trying to embrace that normality they once shared. he knows logically, it's quite impossible. but every day he'll be damned if he doesn't at least put forth the effort]
Harder than it looks. Have to do a lot of different movement in a short amount of time. I think I almost started free instead of fly near the end. So of course you're good at it.
[the praise is well aimed, true in its meaning. ai is able to simper through pressure and everything else
when rin's not mucking up his life, of course. so of course something like that is right up his alley. even if it's not quite his go to anymore. rin still remembers once upon a time it was. and he capitalizes on reminding him everytime, telling him he could square up against ikuya if he really felt like it]no subject
Date: 2025-12-30 11:24 pm (UTC)[A forfeited victory. Ai thinks back to their first year when Rin had won his race against Haruka, but seemed put off by it. He wasn't in good form, Rin had said. It's like beating an elementary schooler.
A parallel dawns on him. One that is naked with a storm outside and a too-crowded futon. Rin hadn't been satisfied then either, right? Because it was too easy. Ai wonders, passively, when he will stop thinking about that night, as he quickly moves on from the thought and hopes Rin didn't pick up on the same, nearly clearing his throat in the process,]
Huh?
[He doesn't get Rin's implication at first, but then it settles. And because Ai is singularly unable to take a compliment, he smiles in that deflective way of his,]
But it's fun, isn't it? To push your body in that kind of way. I'm definitely rusty, though. If I wanted to think about it seriously, I'd have to talk it over with the coaches.
[Which is to say he won't. I want to specialize in two strokes, just like you. Even at that time, he'd been so-- honest. Ai sneaks a glance at Rin from the corner of his eye before looking forward again as they walk, ignoring how even now, even now, such a small thing can make his heart hiccup,]
Well... I know I have to focus on breast. It's critical I keep my times low before competitions start.
[So I can join you on that stage. Of course Ai wants it for himself too, but. Who was responsible for getting him here? Somehow, saying that out loud seems like too much, so he keeps it to himself.]
Ah, [he gestures to a tiny bakery as they walk past,] How about here? I still want to try an authentic Paris baguette.
no subject
Date: 2025-12-30 11:48 pm (UTC)Whatever, ugh.
[rin tries not to think about that night. easier said than done. it's not because the act itself was bad. it's because his behavior surrounding the whole affair was...disgusting, to put it lightly. he tries not to think about how he tried goading ai into hurting him, like that would somehow make it better. he tried not to think about the fallout that still lingers in the back of his mind in the form of a creepy voicemail that he wasn't alone in. tried not to think about sousuke's glistening gaze and how he made ai cry and yell and--]
Call that shit fun?
[that's easier to focus on, and rin snorts, shifting his hold on his bag. though he's dimly aware of ai shifting away from the compliment stratosphere. and his lip twitches and he bumps ai's shoulder again, this time a little harder]
Take the compliment, geez. Your breast times got you here, right? It's not like you're forgetting them or anything. Just...putting them to a different use. You should talk it over with them. What's the worst they say? Doubt they'd even say no...
[rin's...encouragement talks need some work if he ever wants to be a coach of some kind. but the silent implication rings true between them. despite it all, rin isn't dropping that dream. to stand on the international stage with his friends. and he knows ai isn't keen of dropping that dream either. the one that's swam beside them all these years, even through all the monumental fuckups and lack of communication--]
Of all things...
[rin laughs, pulling the door open for ai. stiffening with the realization, but he tries to swallow it down. it's just something he's going to have to hurdle over time and time again until he forgets it (he won't)]
no subject
Date: 2025-12-30 11:58 pm (UTC)Rin gets a look. And eyes where Rin's just bumped his shoulder, before Ai melts into a deadpan.]
I want to focus on breast. I have a goal, and IM or 400m free right now would distract from it. You know what it feels like to spread too thin, don't you?
[And Ai doesn't have a single fucking clue about last year's kerfuffle behind closed doors, other than a few ominous texts from his uncle, so good luck with that one Rin.
You know what isn't laden in double entendre, or trauma, or bad memories, or regret? Baguettes. Ai steps in ahead of Rin with a polite little bow of his head for the gesture, not thinking of it too much unlike Rin, and all but trots to one of the display counters. His eyes scan over all of the overly sweet pastries - even too sweet for him - and to more of the savoury baked goods. Ai taps at his chin; he thinks he knows what he wants, but.
He's too considerate for his own good, and constantly trying to model for Rin a normalcy Ai himself doesn't even feel, so he looks over to Rin with an inquisitive expression that belies the pull in his gut,]
What do you think Nanase-san would like? I think we should bring something back for him, just in case.
no subject
Date: 2025-12-31 12:21 am (UTC)...got it.
[at least ai still has the superpower in putting rin in his place when it matters. though the embarrassment flushing his cheeks seems more akin to shame than anything beyond that. like a kid with his hand in the fucking cookie jar.
he drops it.
the bakery smells nice. it's quite literally a breath of fresh air from whatever conversation they were just traversing towards. and rin isn't a fan of sweets, but the smell of the place is nice. it's warm inside, and quiet enough that he doesn't feel trapped or anything. quite the opposite. he's content to trail behind ai, looking at the various things. most of which he doesn't have a clue what they are but.
still, rin stiffens a little. right. that unspoken thing earlier. he figures ai won't let him let it go. he didn't their first year. he won't their tenth or twentieth if they make it that far either. rin huffs, kneeling down to look at a few things, squinting at the display cases]
Find something shaped like...
[his eye catches it before he even finishes his sentence. there's a little pastry that looks like a. shark? fish? something. an elegant little puff pastry garnished with some chives. he tries to read off the sign, pointing at it and well. it's obvious his french needs some work but]
Salmon en croute. Yeah, he'd probably like that.
[rin continues to look over everything, casting a sidelong glance at ai as he fishes in his bag for his wallet]
Pick whatever, I'll get it.
no subject
Date: 2025-12-31 12:34 am (UTC)Minutes. It took minutes for him to do what Ai spends months, years trying to accomplish. And so he has no choice. If Rin is content to be stubborn in admitting whether or not things are complicated, he will find Ai's tenacity a rough beast to quell. Because in Ai's mind, he has spent too much time taking Rin's smile away, when he can see an easy means of making sure it doesn't happen again. It has played in his mind over and over since that night, but especially since talking with Sousuke. How much different things would be if he'd had the strength to send Haruka a text sooner. Ai wasn't an idiot, had known from the start why Rin was there, so why? Why hesitate?
... For the same reasons you laid with him.
He has no words and no outward reason for why his shoulders stiffen.]
Ah, you don't,
[Except Ai recalls suddenly that Rin insisted very strongly on covering their next meal, so. He guesses this is it.]
... Thank you, Rin-senpai,
[Ai relents, approaching the register and its attendant with an overly confident and smooth] Bonjour, [followed by their order so far: salmon en croute for their missing party, a demi baguette and jam for Ai.
He looks to Rin with a gesture for him to finish out with what he'd like. And no, he can't speak French, but he sure can mimic the accent, thanks to his music. The cashier looks between the both of them, thoroughly unimpressed.]
no subject
Date: 2025-12-31 12:59 am (UTC)[but ai relents easier than rin anticipates. and it even pulls a little wide eyed gaze from him in exchange. it just melts into a thank you instead, and why do those words in that tone set him ablaze like that? why on earth is he wanting to bristle like some offended cat? what, did he just think it would be harder than that? he should be happy ai let it go so easily. why does he want to brawl so much with people? he doesn't get it.
...maybe that's why haru is able to just say a few words to him and it sets him ablaze. always that stupid lingering competition, thinly veiled by dry, smarmy words.
rin is temporarily awestruck in the way ai pulls it off flawlessly. and maybe ai catches him staring for a minute. because he quickly jerks himself out of it, and stares at the pastry case, desperately looking for something that isn't going to be too sweet but--]
A-Ah! Desolee. Tarte...fruits?
[rin points at a small berry tart in the case. he really wants some fruit and hopes that one won't be too bad. it looks like just raspberries on top of the custard so...
he equally hopes he didn't butcher that. fuck, he forgot the aux didn't he?? before he can apologize though the attendant begins gathering their things like they didn't just listen to rin botch it terribly, and rin shoves his card into the slot with a huff, not even looking at the total]
Quit one upping me. [rin snorts playfully] You make it look so easy.
[rin knows he has everyone else owned on english but that's about as far as it goes. he can maybe get some basics everywhere else they go but...]
no subject
Date: 2025-12-31 01:10 am (UTC)His smile is too wide, teeth too visible, and he turns his head away from both Rin and the cashier in order to hide his mouth behind his knuckles. Even if he wasn't already five years deep into sentiments he'd rather cut away, the response is potent and obvious,
He sounded cute, trying to say it.
Ai still hesitates even when Rin addresses him, taunts him. Because his smile is still too wide and he doesn't want Rin thinking he's laughing at him, because he's not! And also doesn't want Rin to know Ai thinks it was charming, because that's true, which is worse. Ai turns around away from Rin in order to approach the front door, but not without first letting loose a sing-songy,] Merci beaucoup!
[His turn to hold the door open for Rin, and their present circumstance and his misplaced glee wiping his mind of memories from when he'd been a bit bolder and a bit more deluded,]
I said two words, senpai. [It's be impossible for Rin not to face him now, and so it's impossible to hide his smile anymore.] You sounded great.
no subject
Date: 2025-12-31 02:42 am (UTC)[he huffs, waltzing through the doorway after the cashier bags up their procured goodie bags. fresh air feels better, his migraine is mostly dispersed. but there's still some lingering phantom pains. or maybe aches is the better word for it. whatever. it's just better out here than some stuffy shop, despite how nice it smells.
though he can't fight the hint of red that touches his cheeks at ai's compliment. it feels...unfair. undeserved heaps of praise that he's being subject to. well, maybe not heaps. but it feels like it sometimes. but there's a little glimmer at the end of the tunnel at least. maybe their hotel room can be a source of less hostility and awkwardness, and more attune to how other dorm-mates find themselves. at home. comfortable. mildly annoyed when haruka nanase takes up the whole bath--
he pauses for a moment to allow ai to catch up after he held the door open for them, and then sets his pace to match ai's, just taking in the scenery around them. sometimes, when he thinks back to being a kid and making it to the top of the world? it felt more grounded and at home. but now here he is. being shown all this new culture and new sights with his friends. the most important people to him]
...still doesn't feel real sometimes.
[rin finally settles on as they near the hotel, and he casts a look across the street to somebody just out there--painting--of all things. and something absolutely stunning at that. there's street artists all around the world sure, but that one just seems perfectly placed there. like he's meant to see it. how childish]
Kid me wouldn't believe it.
[he pauses, casting a look at ai]
What about you?
no subject
Date: 2025-12-31 03:28 am (UTC)Even at that age, it's all you ever wanted. Right? I think if it was inevitable for anyone to wind up on this stage, it'd be you, Rin-senpai.
[And it isn't just patting Rin's ass. That is maybe the worst part of it, whenever Ai says something nice, a compliment, an accolade: he means it. Sincerely, wholly. From the bottom of his heart he believes Rin manifested his own dream. With everything Ai has. And since day one it's breathed an untold amount of inspiration into him.
He feels Rin's eyes on him, and meets them somewhat sheepishly from the corner of his own. Before melting into a soft smile, paired with a shake of his head.]
Not at all. When I think to that younger me, he's unrecognizable. [Starry-eyed. Eager. Reckless. Rin's memories of that relay in elementary school were completely different, but they set Ai on a trajectory he could have no way of knowing would radicalize his very existence.
... Ai pauses at the awning of their hotel. Looks down the length of his body.]
This person is unrecognizable from even two years ago. If I told him where life would take me, I don't think he'd believe me, either.
[You will make it to the Japan national swimming team. You will have your heart shattered. You'll travel all over the world for training. And you will never, ever change who you are. He could sit here and reminisce on it all for another hour, but instead does both him and Rin the favour of entering into the hotel, blessed by the automatic door this time.
... Maybe on day three, it'll feel like a haven. Unfortunately, reentering the building is accompanied with all the same unsettled nerves as the day before and the morning earlier. He approaches the elevator, chooses not to think about the overly tense conversation he and Rin had in one just hours ago, and patiently waits for one of them to drop to the lobby floor.]
How was it last night, seeing more of the city?
no subject
Date: 2025-12-31 03:50 am (UTC)not him patting rin's ass. but talking fondly back about the person ai used to be. unrecognizable. and doesn't rin relate to that fiercely? life's highway is a strange and winding one. there's never any guessing where exactly it will take you. rin can't say he thought about...how things would end up in that too small apartment.
all the fallout from it. professional, personal. rin tries not to sour, but maybe his expression gives him away for a moment. but he tries to focus on the positives. ai's contemplation coupled with his whimsical words, that seem so light. unfortunately, rin is a little oblivious to exactly where ai's mind heads off to. and that's on him for being a selfishly fueled person. it's easy to read people, sure. but when they sound like that? it's a little easier.
though rin does damn near splutter at ai's question. he got into thinking he was going to get off scott free about last night. and maybe his face heats up a little at all the memories. not just of haru, but of just letting loose in a strange, new and dizzily exciting place. he worries his lip for a moment. that sourness just turns into a mournful thing.
that ai wasn't there experiencing it with them.
he huffs, and rubs the back of his neck, squeezing his eyes shut as he waits for the elevator with a tapping foot. it wouldn't do him any good to lie either, but. the ding of the elevator sounds it's arrival, and rin watches some teammates and strangers scurry off before they enter, and he furiously presses their floor and jams the "close" button repeatedly, before anyone else can even think of squeezing in here. he groans]
It was good. Great. I got so fucking trashed, I probably made a fool of myself but...
[but that much was probably obvious. considering him and haru's state of disarray when they entered, and how furious rin's head was pounding this morning. not to mention how thoroughly ai trashed him in their little race. he remembers natsuya's laugh. dancing with haru. ikuya's fingers through his belt loop, tugging him in for a dance as well. he remembers so many drinks he forgot but]
City missed you though.
[and the doors open, and he steps off with a huff. he meant it. ai's his best friend.
nothing can change that]
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Date: 2025-12-31 04:08 am (UTC)... Because he'd seen it for himself. How literally on top of each other the two of them had been when they came back to the hotel. How loose Haru's tongue was, of all people. And it painted a very bold picture that only made Ai even more glad he hadn't gone. Given all, what space would he have there? The thought alone makes him anxious to go tonight. Worried what sort of mess will come from drinking; what sort of questions will be raised if he doesn't. Unsure if he can survive a night without an out.
He steps in alongside Rin, simper painted on his face and doing a great job at hiding his dismay with it all,]
Just a little bit. Actually, I'm still more surprised at Nanase-san than anything.
[Which is still not exactly confirmation he'd heard that last night, but it's about the fourth time Ai's skated around it. City missed you, though. It's... Much harder, this time, to hide the way his expression is crestfallen. Were he to exact his truths, he risks guilting Rin too much, and Ai doesn't want that. They talked it through this morning, after all.]
Sorry. I really wasn't feeling up to it. [I think I made the right choice.] But, we can make up for it tonight, right? [But don't set your expectations too high.
He wonders if he should prematurely send Sousuke a few texts as a safety net.
Ai trails right behind Rin down their hallway back to their room, smoothing one hand over his opposite forearm. For Rin's sake, he hopes Haruka's back in the room; for his own, he hopes he isn't. Ai feels a little selfish for even thinking such a thing.]
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Date: 2025-12-31 04:20 am (UTC)I... What did he--
[what did you hear him say? what did you see him do? rarely, is rin rendered speechless but. well. ai has always been so adept at disarming him. it's no surprise this is any different]
I told you. Guy needs to hold his booze better.
[...which equally does little to confirm or deny ai's suspicions around everything. rin knows they didn't fucking do anything. but the rest of the world doesn't know that. and it's looking less and less likely. he leans down to snatch his phone off the floor, fingers white knuckled around it]
It's fine. I'm not forcing you, sorry. That was a shitty thing to say.
[rin tries to scramble for something else, and sucks at it per usual. he tries to focus on ai's well being more than whatever the hell happened last night between the two. rin finally finds his keycard, and holds it up for a moment, huffing as he stares at it]
I'll hang back with you if that's what you want.
[he offers gently, trying to press the card against the slot without much luck. he huffs, trying to take on a more earnest tone]
Just know I'm not forcing you into shit.
[he hears the beep, and shoves the door open. and by some small miracle haru is in there. except he's in the middle of changing, and rin is treated to a full fucking frontal and whips around really fast, gritting his teeth]
The fuck did I say about keeping your pants on?
[he can't see haru, but can hear the pouting in his voice. "You didn't knock."]
Yeah, cause it's my room too, jackass! Do that shit in the bathroom.
[he just hopes what he's hearing is haru pulling all his clothes back on. rin passes a glance over at ai, brow twitching. it's going to be awkward no matter what. so he's just trying. for ai's fucking sake. he steps aside to let haru go to the bathroom, and pulls the door shut behind the team japan hopeful]
...thanks. This afternoon was nice.
[directed at ai]
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Date: 2025-12-31 04:37 am (UTC)It's that familiar feeling, a tightness in his throat, mirroring a tightness in his gut. He'd felt it when they'd left the room and came back last night; felt it in that natatorium parking garage. Ai still isn't sure how to cope with it, and resents his instinct is split twain between rolling over and taking it or running.
And then Rin is-- back pedaling, in that unique way he does when he has a notion in his head. It tells Ai he's said something to make Rin feel guilty after all, and Rin's dropped his phone and his words are rapid fire and Ai can see, with his eyes, that his hand is shaking and. Professional as always, Ai puts on a sympathetic expression - not quite a smile, but the kindness does kiss his eyes, at least - and very very gently touches Rin's back. Grounding him; reaffirming Ai isn't scared of him.]
Senpai, it's okay.
[Something tells him Rin would sooner jump out a window than spend an evening holed up in here with him. He knows because Rin was barely tolerating Ai's apartment shortly before departure. Ai barely manages to get out,]
I know you wouldn't,
[Force me, but his words are cut short by the door opening and then Rin spinning around in record speed. Ai had been about to walk in right behind him, but is suddenly met face-to-face with an owlish Rin. Ai blinks. Turns his cheek, and takes a step back. And only once Rin's moved does he follow in after, peering around him as if to try and see whatever it was he's just missed, ignoring the flutter in his chest... Ah, but Haruka's already in the bathroom. Then Rin's beckoning him one last time, and Ai chooses to focus on that net positive, rather than fall victim to the churning tempest in his chest.]
It was. [He looks down. To the bathroom. Then, hushed and quickly to Rin,] ... Sorry, again, for this morning. I don't have words for how grateful I am that you're patient with all this stuff. [Yeah. Stuff. And Ai's gonna need to borrow a bit of that patience to make it through tonight, he knows it.
So it's away from Rin and over to his bed, sorting through his sports bag for his wet clothes to gently rinse once Haruka frees the bathroom. Funny; they'd gone through all that fuss for some food, and Ai no longer has an appetite.]
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Date: 2025-12-31 05:04 am (UTC)i don't deserve it.
he doesn't deserve any of this. not the world, not these people that keep letting him back in when he massively fucks them over one way or another. rin wishes ai were scared of him, waltzed right down to miyakawa or ryuji or mikhail or whoever would listen and demand a room change. then rin could wallow in the selfishness of his own mistakes and live miserably knowing he's hurt yet somebody else. but that's a perfect world where ai looks out for himself, and not for others]
Got nothing to be sorry for.
[rin blurts out, rubbing the back of his head as he lets the door close behind them. because it's not ai's fault. not by a long shot. everything boils down to rin. how much fun could they all be having together if rin had kept his legs closed, his temper in check? if he'd just been honest to haru and sousuke and everyone from the start about coming back to japan? trying not to avoid a stupid "breakup" if it could even be called that at this point?
things could be so much different.
rin waltzes over to his bed, dumping his swim bag on it. before he stares at the bag looped around his other wrist and gnashes his teeth together. more delicately than he should pulling the pastries out, and rolling the small plastic container of his tart in his hand. he sighs, and walks over, holding the bag out for ai to do the same. he gets it without ai even having to say it.
who can have an appetite after something like that?
eventually, haru comes out of the bathroom, and rin is pouting on his bed, glaring daggers at his tart. he'll shower later. he at least grabbed one when they got out of the pool, and took longer than he should have anyway, kept ai waiting...he tosses the bag on haru's bed]
Since you ran off without saying anything.
[and that's all he says before he rolls back over, pulling out his phone]
...you can grab the shower first. Sorry dolphin boy is a hog with it.
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Date: 2025-12-31 05:21 am (UTC)His excuse is that the shower is free and Rin is all but ushering him away and Ai knows when to take a hint, so the demi-baguette is going to have to go unattended for a little while on their shared desk for now.
He gathers a change of clean clothes, mindful that he'll be wearing them out later. Bows his head politely toward Haruka while passing him on the way to the shower room. And disappears behind it except for his head,]
I'll be quick,
[Said to Rin before the shower room door closes behind him.
Ai turns on the shower and... Slumps against the wall. Wrings his eyes shut. He'd been doing so good, what happened? Nerves, he guesses. About what the evening might bring. It was easy to tolerate all of this in a hotel room, it felt like the devil you know. Rin's awkwardness around him in closed space; Rin's seemingly unstoppable gravitation toward ocean eyes. Poor Haruka. Ai thinks to that little statuette he had been given as some sort of peace offering, all because he couldn't keep his mood together long enough for it not to seep through the cracks. He realizes with dawning horror, too, he'd forgotten to text Sousuke. Ugh.
He'll get to it after. More than the hot water presently filling the room with steam, Ai is preoccupied with ideation of how he could kill this part of himself once and for all.
Clothes, off; shower, entered. It's an unremarkable affair, washing himself down as his mind races a mile a minute. Shuts the water off, scruffs his hair damp-to-dry, and pulls his clothes on. Deeeep breath in. Loooow exhale out. Ai lets a few seconds hang between him depressing the doorknob and pushing the door, as if to alert people he was entering the room. Just in case. Pokes his head out first...]
It's free,
[Before weaseling out and headed toward his bed. Sitting on it upright, phone pulled into his lap. Right, texting Sousuke--]
no subject
Date: 2026-01-06 04:04 am (UTC)he hates it.
he hates himself more.haru obviously notices rin's mood tank, the silence sweltering between them. and he isn't quite sure what happens but he feels the side of his bed dip and something brush against his cheek. his breath hitches, as he hears a concerned tone softly breaking into the tensed atmosphere.
"are you alright?" but all rin can think about is that bathroom door opening any second, and he turns his cheek away from haru, pressing his face into the pillow with a mutter]
Fine.
[...which thankfully, haru seems to take the hint and leaves him be. but not without lingering on rin's bed for a moment. before he departs to his own, fidgeting with the paper his pastry came wrapped in. rin buries his face harder into the pillow, trying to get a hold of his breathing. thankfully ai saves him, and peeks his head out. and rin has never scrambled off a bed faster in his life, grabbing a pair of fresh clothes and making a break for the bathroom.
the second the door closes behind him, he raps his fist against his forehead, gnashing his teeth. he all but slams the shower handle on hot, stripping off his clothes as fast as he can. he almost doesn't get his tank off in time as he's trying to get in as fast as possible. everything feels too loud. and all he can hear is porcelain shattering on the floor, all the looks ai has suddenly been able to muster ever since that night. the ones that look hurt or angry or--
he winces a little, the water a touch too hot the moment it burns his skin. but he festers in it momentarily, enjoying the sting. there's still a few weeks left of this. he's about this close to saying he has a family emergency and he has to go. or saying he's sick and needs his own bunk. something. anything. he hates putting his friendship in jeopardy. he hates whatever is going on between him and haru. and he doesn't know what the right answer is.
he hates that at the back of his mind he--
his fist smacks against the shower wall, and rin winces. but it was something. a temporary break from the confined slogs of his own head. he draws in a shuddering breath, succumbing to the water and dimly washing the rest of the chlorine off from their earlier swim. practically scrubbing his body wash onto him, trying desperately to get rid of the smell.
it's a good twenty minutes before he finally emerges again, looking a little worse for wear. the steamcloud that rolls out after him is...intense to say the least. it's some small wonder he was able to breathe at all in there]
no subject
Date: 2026-01-06 04:18 am (UTC)Someone said something.
His intuition is astoundingly close, and maybe doesn't pin-point happenstance out of sheer luck. Ai deflates a little, standing like an idiot in the space between the row of beds and the bathroom door. Rather than look hurt, or frustrated, his brow is tied in a tight knot. Pure resolution mode. If I'm going to kill it, it has to be tonight.
He's unsure if he should even apologize to Haruka. What for, existing? It seems apt, if he's honest. Simply being has enabled so many of Rin's recent problems. How much happier would he be if he didn't have to dance around the obvious landmine? The shadow of the elephant in the room spans larger and larger by the minute.
Ai sits on his bed, one leg tucked under the other, and fires off a few texts to Sousuke. His face still down at his phone, he wears a put-on smile.]
It's a bit silly, isn't it? How much he frets.
[He's not even sure if Haruka is listening, and Ai doesn't look over to check. It's as he speaks he hears the knob of the door click,]
If Rin-senpai just did what Rin-senpai wants to do, I think he'd be a lot happier.
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Date: 2026-01-10 03:09 am (UTC)he forgets about it soon enough. it's easy to let those things be sidelined, and forgotten about after all. maybe it's not the most healthy coping mechanism, but it's what's worked for him famously in the past.
not.but there's no malice or grimace towards nitori in any capacity. not even towards rin for giving him the cold shoulder. haru simply shrugged it off and gave him his space....and for some reason, nitori doesn't seem quite himself either. coming out of the shower, immediately pulling his phone out and. that expression seems a bit familiar. like the one makoto puts on when something else is going on. but haru isn't one to pry for details. only give that shoulder or ear if it's needed. in his own strange haru fashion.
he tilts his head at nitori. well not like ragging on rin isn't a past time of his but...]
It's just how he is.
[is it? haru wonders sometimes. before rin comes out of the bathroom, haru turns to face his other roommate. there's still. something from whatever happened between them. it's not haru's business still. even though sometimes he's curious about it. nitori killed the prospect, however, all the way back at all japan. and haru didn't want to press him, sensing some obvious hurt from all of this. he casts a glance back at the bathroom door. well.
it feels like there's something else lingering in nitori's words. a secret meaning. like one of those pictures if you squint at the right way you see something else entirely]
...what do you think he should do?
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Date: 2026-01-10 03:10 am (UTC)he doesn't want his best friend to feel this way. he just wants this to be fixed. dimly, he almost texts...someone. anyone that would listen. miyakawa or mikhail or fuck even ryuuji at this point. just for some guidance or answers or the quickest aid to fucking change rooming assignments with anybody else. if it saved ai's mind? he would fucking pay for his own hotel for the next two weeks.
he doesn't know what he's walked into either. and he doesn't want to know. so he tosses his dirty clothes into a little pile next to his bed, grabbing a clean shirt and pulling it on. he's never been ashamed of his body much. but for some reason right now? feeling exposed, shirtless is the last thing he wants.
but he slips right back into that persona, that mask he's become so adept at wearing. he looks over at ai as haru goes to pull out one of his sketchbooks from his dresser, completely ignoring him if he's going to do the same and pout or whatever he's doing. he looks at his own phone as he tosses himself onto his bed, squinting at the unreads he's been subject to in less than thirty minutes. ugh]
...Natsuya said they're going out again tonight.
[there's no confirmation or denying that they're going out or he's accepting or anything else, except--]
Nope. Not dealing with that fuckin' hangover again.
[...but he's also not saying he'll go out either. ikuya sent him some stupid video he'll look at later. right now he's just focused on diffusing the tension he's caused]
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Date: 2026-01-10 03:38 am (UTC)Ai's lips hang open just a beat too long. The obvious answer clinging onto the back of his tongue for dear life. Even just in this capacity, saying it so plainly would make it all real. But, it'd also kill it. It'd be the first step toward purging this sickness from his system, from Rin's psyche, from this hotel room.
I think he should tell you how he really feels.
His lips barely form around the first syllable of the thought when Rin crash-lands back into their room, and the way Ai jolts is almost dramatic in its shift. It's all he can do to shoot Haruka an apologetic smile, knowing he's inadvertently cut their conversation short-- never mind expending the mental energy to bring his pulse back down to something more manageable, and to tell the suddenly vibrating moths in his gut to keep still.
Rin mulls about the room getting himself situated, and Ai is polite and not ogling. From his periphery he can also see Haru is disinterested - feigned or otherwise - and seems to be reaching for something else. Then Rin is mentioning his texts, and Ai almost protests, because. He'd decided he had a plan, and for it to work he needed Rin there, and.
It'd seem awfully silly if he suddenly grew so upset at Rin choosing not to be present, especially so when Ai was the one who bailed the night before. He swallows around nothing, stares down at his phone, and then--]
Nanase-san, [his new scapegoat,] Will you still be going out tonight? [He scratches his cheek.] It's too bad. Maybe I should have gone last night after all.
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Date: 2026-01-10 04:00 am (UTC)because.
he was honestly going to go. it's easy to feign sobriety after such an intense night. easy to push off any drink onto someone else. easy to escape the suffocating labyrinth of this room. maybe even get his friend to come out with him...? but rin shoots ai a look. it's so brief it might not even be caught because now there's something else hanging in the air. nanase-san. will you still be going out tonight? and rin sees exactly what passes over haru's gaze. he knows the look all too well.
and that's when his body instinctively leans into a fight or flight. he tenses, panic flooding every sense. no no no no no. he was banking on that not lingering. being able to escape again and again, and here he is. still wanting to escape all of his problems. ai, haru...how many more times does he have to run before this can settle itself?
how many more people have to hurt in the process?
haru looks over at ai, like that looks never crossed his face to begin with. and merely shrugs giving a little maybe. almost like he's unsure of how to proceed either. maybe he's banking on rin, maybe--]
Y-You ever hear back from Sousuke, Ai??
[rin blurts out suddenly, slamming his phone against the mattress in a less than gentle manner. diversion, diversion, diversion. ]
no subject
Date: 2026-01-10 04:25 am (UTC)Rin wants to run? Ai wants to disappear.
... It's hard to get a grip on his senses. Everything screams at him loudly that the message is clear, Rin is using sobriety as an excuse to not go despite saying he had been missed - a platitude. And Haruka has no inclination to fraternize with a parasite. Rin mentioning Sousuke is throwing him a bone and giving him a clear, loud out. Suddenly, rejection seems the easier choice. Ai's mentally prepared for that, for years. But being denounced as so utterly unwanted cuts in a way Ai couldn't have prepared himself for. It's a jolt to his system, and the room is now three for three on men who wear expressions they'd rather not. Blink-and-miss-it, the confused hurt pinches his eyebrows before he remembers there are two sets of eyes on him.
Rin would never. Yet it is the only reasonable conclusion Ai can come to. His brain works overtime to rationalize it as anything else, but it's evident by the stifling silence in the room no one else seems fit to fix it. He winces, holds back the need to cry, and sits up just a bit straighter on the bed. Ai waves his hand in front of his face, as if dismissing a thought that had been too silly to say out loud, and forces a smile onto his lips.]
A-Ah, well! You both had lots happen last night, it's to be expected you'd want to recover. I should have considered that. Kirishima-san is impressive, isn't he...
[No, he's not. But like Rin, he's throwing out diversions, because his eyes feel too hot and if he doesn't run his mouth, they will start leaking--
Yeah, he's on his feet. Almost antsy and unnerved in the way he goes to the desk, picks up his baguette, but makes no move to try and eat it. His voice chips around the edges when addressing the question of Sousuke,]
I'd asked him how practice went, he seems to be doing well.
[Ai puts the baguette back down.]
Ah, but nothing about tonight. I should probably ask, right?
[He swallows too thickly around nothing, and is suddenly padding for the front door.]
That's silly, I forgot to get-- I'll be back! I just-- the vending machine,
[Without so much as his wallet or his phone or his keycard, Ai doesn't wait a damn second for rebuttal or confused noises. In an instant the door is behind him, and he's peeling off for the ice dispensing area. It's as fit a place to have a quiet breakdown as any.]
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Date: 2026-01-10 04:45 am (UTC)his voice sounds so agonizingly broken, rin knows that facade. not because he has heard ai in such dire straights before. no, it's because he knows what it means to slip into that mask. trying to keep yourself so together that everything else starts to crack and crumble at the edges. maybe haru has the same thought when the prospect of the vending machine suddenly comes out of nowhere. rin thought he might bolt, but then ai does it. and he stiffens as that door slams behind him.
because he's broken in his thought process for a moment. time alone with haruka fucking nanase. isn't that what he's both craved and despaired over? but... haru's gaze trails after ai too, a little wide eyed and then.
rin goes right after him.
there's no telling if he'll find him or not. ai has a little distance on him because rin is a fucking coward. and he doesn't quite know where to look. maybe vending machines should have been the first place because...well. isn't this where some of this began? right in front of a vending machine? rin remembers ai's wide eyed expression, something he's only seen once since--
he remembers the gentle fingertips wrapped around his own hand, completely uncaring of what might transpire to him. only caring about the fact that rin might hurt himself further. there's a sting in the corner of his eyes, that shame welling and bubbling over the surface. oh how he hates himself.
and eventually maybe he does find ai by the vending machine. maybe it takes him some time. or maybe he doesn't but...god does he try. even texting sousuke, asking him that so stupid question. one he hates for asking. because he as a good friend should always know where ai is right? have you seen ai?]
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