for @buttterfly - post-tfln

[taeru]

Comments

[taeru]

"That's kind of you to say." And he knows Rin means it - Ai just wishes he could believe it, truly and deeply. He's made many strides since the beginning of high school, has straightened his backbone, grown confidence, learned to love himself and even his body. But there is perpetually one nagging, needling feeling that sits in the back of his head:

I feel so useless.

He's aware of it, at least. And knows that even if he missed the natural talent boat, he is the hardest working person he knows. What he doesn't have readily at his disposition he will always try to make up for with late nights and pure, raw, unmitigated effort. It's just hard not to be caught up in that insecurity, sometimes. Especially when half of your friends and friends of friends went on to be Olympians!

"I think I still owe Sousuke-senpai some kind of debt for all of his help," he chimes. Then looks at Rin sidelong, smile finally reaching his eyes. "And you, for the mysterious water bottles and protein bars I'd find near my gym bag."

Ai clasps his hands together after setting his chopsticks down, letting out a low and happy sigh. "That was delicious! And I'm so full... I might have to be rolled back to the apartment." And before Rin can even think of trying to intervene, Ai is sitting up and gesturing to the shopkeep, paying for both of their meals in cash.

[buttterfly]

Rin doesn't have time to retort. Not to the water bottles or snacks he would leave in the locker-room. Nor in the way Ai already sat up to pay for their meals. He grits his teeth, trying to fumble for his wallet even though it's already too late.

"Hey. I don't need to be playing who pays first with you too. Seriously."

It's a halfhearted scowl that crosses his face. More at the sense of being the loser of this game. Usually he's better, quicker but. Alas he has a few things to learn he guesses. Side swiped by a deeper conversation. The shopkeep takes Ai's money, and Rin grumbles as he shoves his wallet back in his jacket. Is he pouting as he slumps in his chair? No. Of course not. But maybe there's a touch of color on his face, one that matches his hair, as he mutters.

"...thanks." He rubs the back of his head awkwardly.

"Ugh. That was a one time thing. Got it?"

[taeru]

"Just be faster next time," he chimes in a sing-song, casting Rin a wide, sunny smile as he takes his change and pockets it. There is only one word for Rin's current pouting: cute. In fact, as Ai pulls away from the eating counter, he laughs! Not at Rin; he's simply taken by how fond he is of the man beside him.

It's a perfect break from the threat of a sullen mood. More than anything, the way Rin's cheeks fluoresce is the detail Ai will be scribing into his journal tonight.

Ai pats down his shirt to lay it flat, waiting for Rin to get himself settled before approaching the door back toward the street, "We could head back, or we could explore a bit. Crowds have probably died down since rush hour and classes are over." Ai doesn't want to pressure Rin either way; they had plenty of time to explore, after all.

[buttterfly]

"Whatever." He mutters, swallowing down trying to whatever heat he can still feel coloring his cheeks. Rin stands, following Ai out into the less bustling streets.

Exploring sounds. Nice. Tempting. A break from whatever conundrums his brain is conjuring at any given second. It would keep his hands, and head busy. But he's also dimly aware of having that layer of a twelve hour plane ride still sticking to him, and how he hasn't slept in a good 24 hours or so. He contemplates for a minute.

Except the choice is a fairly obvious one.

"Show me around a little? Too early for me to go to bed anyways." Attaboy. Jet lag is the perfect excuse. He just needs to keep his head busy for another hour or two, go shower and then turn into a corpse for a good twelve hours.

[taeru]

It was an easy problem to fix either way; if Rin wanted to explore, but just a little, they could simply make their way back toward the apartment in a slightly roundabout way. Ai could think of several streets that were jam-packed with things to see, even a little park just a bit south of the apartment itself; the route was clear.

"At this hour, it does kind of remind me of Samezuka," Ai admits, walking right beside Rin, arms eased at his sides, eyes up and rapt. Whatever weird cloud had threatened to hang over him back in the soba shop is well dissipated. "How you could be taking an evening jog and see gaggles of people here or there, wondering what they're doing. And if you went off-campus, feeling the allure of all the late night snack stores..."

As they walk, he gestures. "There's a karaoke bar, I've taken Sousuke-senpai and Momo-kun there a few times." A beat, and then he rectifies, "Sousuke-senpai might kill me if he knows I said that, though. So it stays between us."

[buttterfly]

Ai is right. Samezuka held a certain captivation to it after hours. Students mostly behaved themselves, which gave them more free reign. Jogging after hours was refreshing. An opportunity to clear his head. Thanks to Ai's description, he was able to vividly picture it. Like they were almost wandering the campus together as he spoke.

He smiled. A karaoke bar, huh?

"Wow, you guys really do get into trouble." A playful jab, no real weight behind it. Drinking, karaoke, exploring the streets of Tokyo. The real university experience. When do any of them even have time to train anymore? Do they sleep? Rin snorts. A little memory tickles the back of his head.

"I've wanted to swim with you forever. Please let me show you how far I've come."

"You're our captain. Let's do this while we can."

Oh. Oops. There's that stupid little wetness pooling in the corners of his eye. It stings, and he rubs his eye with the back of his hand, trying desperately to focus on the surroundings. The little shops littering the street, the warm hum of the scant crowds around them.

"Got it. I won't say a word. Pinkie promise. You guys do that often?"

[taeru]

"Only as much as we did before you left. I still can't beat your karaoke score, though..." It was kind of true that Sousuke brought out the worst in Ai, and Momo was usually there to egg him on - if worst can be compared to slightly less stuck up than usual. He was, after all, still a young man who enjoyed having fun with his friends, among other things. Compared to most of the team - Sousuke and Momo and Rin included - Ai was still one of the best behaved! Just slightly mischievous.

Rin still has no idea about the number of nights Ai had spent sneaking out onto the fire escapes, not to smoke or drink but just to cry in peace. Ai had many many extremely late nights, none of them spent having ragers and making mistakes but trespassing in order to work his ass off for better swim times. Ai wasn't above breaking rules, he was simply very judicious about when he chose to do so.

He's about to say more when he notices that glassy sheen to Rin's eyes again. And Ai stares for a moment, silence hanging between them even as Rin ushers it along and poses a new question. As a silent reassurance, Ai tugs just once at Rin's sleeve - whatever it is, it's alright - before taking Rin's cue and paying it no more attention.

"Not really," comes the profoundly uninteresting answer. "But when we can, it's fun. What about in Australia, senpai? You're friends with Kirishima-senpai's brother, right? He doesn't really talk about him much."

[buttterfly]

There's always been a silent gratefulness in the way Ai is able to tune into things. Kinder still, that he doesn't speak on them, letting small actions bring his words to fruition. The touch on his sleeve is met with a grateful look. Once upon a time, it might have been met with Rin ripping away from it, arguing that he's fine and maybe Ai should pay attention to his own shit first.

Something unfurls in him. God, he really was cruel, wasn't he? He shoves that thought aside, grateful for the change of topic.

"Dude's a loose canon." Rin scoffs, rolling his shoulders a bit and stuffing his hands in his pockets. "If he isn't drowning himself in some alcoholic beverage, it's harassing people for existing."

"Wow, adulterous. Just how many guys do you want to swim with?" His face burns a little as he shoves that memory aside as well, shaking his head.

"Guy's a killer swimmer though. He'd probably be an olympian already if he took it easy on the booze. Other than that though... well. I don't do much outside of dryland and swimming." It's a painful admission. And not for lack of trying from his teammates or acquaintances down there. It sounds fun. He's gone out a few times, but not much. He's serious about his end game. Everyone has teased him for being so driven.

[taeru]

Ai immediately barks out a laugh - with what little he knows of Ikuya's personality and Rin's patience, the idea of Rin's only named friend in Australia being a loose cannon is extremely funny to him. He even has to lift a hand to cover his wide grin, almost an apology for pretty explicitly laughing at Rin.

"It seems to me someone has a type." Rin's complained about troublemakers at least thrice since arriving! How much of a complaint can it be when he keeps surround himself with people who get on his nerves? Even if Ai's own ranking was somewhat disingenuous, the number of times he's drank alcohol countable on less than one hand.

Ai hums to the heart of Rin's answer, though. "You went there for a reason, so it makes sense you're very focused. I don't think I could imagine you any other way." And Rin's drive was scary. To the point Ai often belaboured or procrastinated on sending him texts out of fear of stealing Rin's time. It says a lot the first time Rin had heard from him in months was the one time in months Ai had a sip of alcohol.

It does beg a question though, Ai not thinking too deeply on it, "There's a gym close to the apartment, by the way. And I have a small setup in my bedroom but I think you lift more than I do..." Think? He knows. Ai was a twig compared to Rin.

[buttterfly]

Rin scowls, bumping their shoulders together.

"What's that supposed to mean??"

A type? Ugh. Is he really so easy to read? The answer a completely oblivious yes. He likes asking Ai questions about himself. It's easy to fall into that lull of relearning a person all over again after years apart. It's harder to dig into himself for some of those answers in exchange. Nobody wants to only talk about themselves, Rin realizes stupidly. Least of all his roommate. He sighs, and runs a hand through his hair.

"Yeah. If focused is what you want to call it..." Maybe stupid or blind to life happening around him, but. Eh, details. He shrugs it off to latch onto the next question. Less personal to an extent.

"Text me the address? I'll probably sign up tomorrow or something. No offense to your setup or anything." He laughs awkwardly, trying not to make an ass of himself.

[taeru]

Ai's smile is far too bright, far too sunny, far too kind to be sincere.

"Nothing worth thinking too hard about."

It was all kidding around, of course. He isn't so sure he'd touch on discussions about preferences or who likes who with Rin unless he had plans to jump into traffic immediately after, anyway. It'd hit too close to home, step far too narrowly along the border of what Ai was willing to disclose.

Ai then pouts, "It is focused. You have a motivation, senpai. It makes sense you've shuttered most other things." It isn't as if he moved to Australia for the fun of it, after all. Though, Ai can't help but wonder if Rin is taking care of himself properly...

"Here." He pulls out his phone, navigates to his contact list, and pulls up Rin; if Rin is looking, he'd see his name is codified as Rin-senpai! 🦈❤️ in Ai's contacts. Ai texts to him not only the address, but the name of one of his contacts who works the front desk there, and then looks back to Rin, "If you want to use it, you should talk to Yamamoto-san. He'll probably be able to get you on my student discount pricing since you'd be temp anyway."

[buttterfly]

What a little shit.

Rin rolls his eyes, dropping it. That could teeter into the very thing he's been swallowing down. Some self justification that no he wasn't gross and didn't pull any stupid tricks in Australia to slide under the sheets with another boy. Types. Ugh.

He catches a glimpse of Ai's contact name for him, lip twitching. Momo is rubbing off on Ai, or something. Why the fuck is there a little heart and shark by his name? His phone vibrates in his pocket though, temporarily nulling the thought process and Rin pulls his phone out to save the address and contact.

"Thanks. Appreciate everything." He sighs, as he shoves the mobile device back into his pocket. "I'll try no to wake you up if I'm out early or coming in late. Promise I don't keep too crazy of hours. Uh, at least until I get over the jetlag." Australia and Japan are not that different, an hour apart. But something about that horrible flight makes him feel like he's in America. A whole other time zone. It always takes a few days to re-calibrate.

[taeru]

Ai was no saint in that regard either, though his escapades were kept much closer to home. He'd probably be a bit more adventurous if not for the poignant feeling of heartsickness he's experienced immediately after. Put a bit of a sully on the whole thing. The idea of Rin knowing this about him, somehow, doesn't make his skin crawl however. Since his first year, Ai's considered it something of an open secret anyway; Rin did find his reading material, after all, and seemed not to care about its contents.

Ai had put in his contact like that when they first exchanged numbers, and the only update he ever made to it was changing it from Matsuoka to Rin once Rin allowed that boundary to be crossed. The emoji, however, stayed - even Ai thinks it's a little childish now, but a part of him feels like it'd be heresy to root out at this point.

He pockets his phone too, still letting himself get semi-lost along the sidewalks in a vague effort to show Rin around on their way back home. Turning a corner opens way to a small plaza, lined with trees and some sort of commemorative statue in the middle. Beyond seems to be a small walking park; likely a perfect place to go jogging.

"I'll be hard to bother, promise. Sometimes my shifts at work need me to wake up at five in the morning." And how did he forget to tell Rin he's also a part-timer? Well, there was that. Instead of making a big deal of it, Ai instead doubles down, flashing Rin a wide grin, "If ever I'm on morning shift and you want something to eat after your morning jog, you should stop by Woodberry. I'd offer to make you one of our specialty lattes too, but I know you don't like those much."

[buttterfly]

In his mind, who cares what gender any of his friends likes? The only time anything is ever a problem really, is when it's Rin himself. Because there's rigid expectations he's holding himself to. His home country's rigid societal expectations, that dreaded locker room talk he's been subject to once or thrice throughout his time in the pool (the first time he had heard the word fag at the ripe age of fourteen by a group of American boys in Sydney). Ai's interests weren't even a blip on his radar. He was more appalled at the fact that something so crude was out in the open like that.

Thankfully, the landscaping and scenery is a nice distraction. He makes a mental note of it for his daily jogging routine. As good of a time as any to make a mental map.

"That's usually when I'm up, you're good. Probably will skip on the coffee though." Yuck. Sweet and bitter? No thanks. He realizes that sounds kind of rude, and he tacks on quickly. "I'll stop by and see you though, sorry. Should probably get off my ass and explore the area when I can."

[taeru]

Ai's heard it all, even before he came to internalize the truth about himself. Their very own teammates took his smaller stature and fervent ardor for a certain brooding redhead and ran circles around him. Thankfully, by the time Rin graduated and Ai had come to take up the mantle of captain, he heard much less of it - probably on account of the primary instigators having graduated, too. But it was a tune the both of them, unfortunately, could sing.

Ai doesn't take it as rude at all; he knows Rin's preferences, and in a way, hearing it so flagrantly is kind of refreshing. He missed Rin's sometimes crass attitude.

What Ai doesn't expect and couldn't calculate for is the sudden welling feeling in his chest when Rin mentions he'll drop by Ai's workplace of his own accord. A traitorous little spark that pools a deep warmth from his gut out to his extremities. In the same exact manner he'd feel when he'd realized Rin had actually come to observe one of his matches, or wanted to work out with him. It's hard to keep a lid on it, but not wanting to over-present, Ai bites the inside of his lip as an attempt to keep his smile from completely bisecting his face.

"That's a lot of pressure, senpai. I'll have to think of something I can make for you that'll make the trip over worth it." For a moment, Ai jogs ahead; just a little, enough to make it to the next block corner. "If you go down here about four streets and make the left, the shop is right around there. It's about a twenty minute walk from the apartment which is nice."

[buttterfly]

"Geez, don't overthink it either." He rubs the back of his head, pausing to read a small plaque attached to the statue. He laughs. "Thanks though. I guess I'll let you make it worth my while."

He tries committing those instructions to memory. He's not like Sousuke after all, thanks. But just to be sure, he pulls open a note on his phone and types away the directions, and quirks a brow.

"Got it, what's the name of the place? Just in case."

Seems easy enough of a destination. But Rin is starting to fall prey to the drooping eyelids and tug of sleep. He stretches his arms above his head, rubbing his elbow a bit in the process. He stifles a yawn, and lets his gaze drift up to the starless sky for a moment. One of the things he misses most about home. Open skies, and stars.

"I think that flight is finally catching up to me. Mind if we head back?"

[taeru]

"Woodberry." A very chic, modern, refreshing coffee shop and bakery. The nice part about it was that Ai could guarantee he'd never be home later than six, thanks to it only operating in the morning and afternoon. It allowed for a decent balance between work, school, and swimming - giving him enough time to still relax and enjoy the smaller things, too.

He can tell the exhaustion is finally settling in on Rin besides, and the call to go home comes not a second too soon; Ai feels he could use a moment to clear his head anyway.

"Shower's all yours once we're back," Ai chimes, immediately pivoting ninety degrees to shoot straight down a street that would bring them back to the apartment in no time. "Everything that's in there is yours to share. Well," he tilts his head, "Everything in the apartment is, really. But I especially want you to take it easy tonight after all the travel you've done, senpai."

[buttterfly]

"Thanks, man." He follows Ai down the detour, trying to formulate everything to memory. It's easier to memorize things this way. Yeah there's whole computers in pockets now, but there's something about committing something to memory. Something that makes it more rewarding.

He glances over at Ai. Carelessly generous, as always. Rin doesn't feel like he deserves it. He has a few travel toiletries, but he should really go out and get his own stuff. Just not to impose. He's already taking up so much of Ai's residence. He runs his fingers through his hair, that nervous tic he's always had.

The city is as alive at night, as it is during the day. At least it's free of the work commuters and some students. It's not like Sydney. But there's Ai, casually leading them back to his home.

Rin shoves his hands in his pockets, stifling down a noise. He wants to take it easy, find a place he can commit to. He's a romantic at heart, after all. His first apartment in Japan should match that. It's why Ai's offer seemed so tempting. He just can't get over that feeling of imposing.

"Just don't freak if I sleep twelve hours straight."

[taeru]

Ai's persistent selflessness was a double-edged sword. It's earned him good standing among his closest friends, Rin included, but has gotten him hurt in the past - Rin included. He's even analyzed himself on the issue on multiple occasions, the evidence for which sit inside many of his journals. A product of his family and his childhood and of simply always trying to see the best out of something or someone.

He feels Rin's eyes on him, but doesn't engage. Can't even begin to fathom what Rin might be thinking about, though if Ai had to guess, it likely wasn't too important. Grateful to be in common company again, maybe? It's only when he thinks Rin's attention isn't rapt on him that Ai deigns to do the same, measuring Rin's countenance in the cast of passing streetlights. Traitorously, it makes his heart thump against his rib cage.

In no time at all, they're happening upon the facade of Ai's apartment building, leading them both down the small walkway to the stairwell.

"I'll start panicking at hour thirteen," he teases in reply, reaching into his pocket for his keys. He unlocks the door, stepping aside to let Rin in first, "Besides, I don't make a habit of waking sleeping bears." Does he think Rin would claw his head off woken up prematurely? Maybe.

[buttterfly]

The sleeping bear jab makes him choke a little. He's about to round on Ai, and be very much what the hell but he snorts a half laugh out instead. He gives him a look, playfully rolling his eyes as he slips out of his shoes.

"What, you hold the door open for everyone you bring home?"

Rin laughs again, plopping down to dig through his bag for his shower supplies. Oh fuck yes, this is going to feel heavenly. There are few great pleasures in life. One is absolutely showering the inch of twelve hour flight grime off of yourself.

"Do you need one tonight? I can leave some water for you."

[taeru]

It's Ai's turn to nearly snort and laugh, not expecting that kind of quip from Rin.

"Only the ones I really like."

It's easy to banter. Ai missed this. And Rin makes it so easy. Ai closes and locks the door behind them both, toeing off his shoes in the genkan and wandering into the living room. He may not be as tired as Rin, but prior to Rin's arrival Ai had a stacked day, too; he collapses back-first onto his couch, one leg tossed over the arm rest, the other just off the side of the cushions. Then stretches his back, his spine popping in a satisfying way, earning a soft groan from him.

"Yes, please. Though the hot water heater is pretty good, so don't feel a need to skimp."

[buttterfly]

Rin raises an eyebrow, but doesn't reply to the comment, in lieu of grabbing his shower bag and shoving himself into the bathroom. He's overthinking because he always in. Only the ones I really like. That. Huh. Alright.

The shower is everything he dreamed of. He turns it up so much he swears a layer of skin peels off of him. He presses his forehead against the tile, letting his eyes slip shut as he contemplates. He hasn't told anyone he's back yet, not even Sousuke. That painful admission that yeah Australia was his dream. But here he is again. He's sure Natsuya will blab though. Would it be better for people to find out from him? Or Rin himself. Ugh. He gently raps the wall with a fist, tapping his foot as he washes the soap off of himself.

A little while later, he's emerging from the bathroom, towel draped over his shoulders and a puff of steam trailing after him. He shoves his shower bag back into his duffel, being mindful considering he doesn't even know how long he was in the bathroom and he has a roommate to be considerate of again.

"Okay sorry, definitely didn't skimp."

[taeru]

Even Ai himself was scant on details, and he was the one currently hosting Rin. For his part, he didn't need to know much; his running assumption was that it was an off-season for training and there were a select few competitions worth competing in this side of the ocean. There were many possible reasons, and all ultimately irrelevant to Ai, who was just glad to give Rin a safe place to crash-land and ultimately find his footing while reacclimating to being in Japan, however long it might be.

He does, admittedly, start to doze off a little the longer Rin is in the shower. His thoughts wandered, as they always did, and he'd chased them right to the edge of consciousness. Rin's voice and the faint scent of a body wash that isn't his jolts him back to the waking world; Ai quite literally startles back awake, sitting up from where he'd gone limp on the couch--

And there is just something about Rin. Maybe it's the wet hair, the trail of steam that billows behind him, the sleep clothes Ai hasn't seen him in in about three years. All of it together leaves him gawking for a moment, before remembering to pick his jaw up off the floor and not. Do that.

"It's fine!" comes a bark, shuffling to his feet and then right past Rin and into the shower room with haste, "No one's in a rush."

Then it's his turn to close the door, set the water to scalding hot, and get lost in the deluge. A looong, low sigh; head lolled back against the tile and vaguely measuring his breaths to all be one second longer than the last. In the safety and relative privacy of his shower, there is only one resonant thought that reverbs through his skull like a bad house mix: I'm in trouble. The exact same kind of trouble he found himself in in his first year of high school, this time with an added level of self-awareness that frankly just gives him a headache.

His shower is much shorter than Rin's, but no less satisfying; Ai steps out from the shower room only wearing his towel, and only then realizes his miscalculation. His "bedroom" - very barely partitioned off from the rest of the studio with a bookshelf toward the rear of the space - where his clean clothes were could only be accessed by first crossing through the living space, where Rin was. Well. They'd seen each other naked multiple times before, so this was no different, right?

"Sorry, sorry," Ai mutters, shuffling along awkwardly from one end of the apartment to the other, ducking behind his bookshelf-wardrobe to fetch his clothes and pull them on with record time and relatively little drama.

[buttterfly]

Rin stares after Ai, shuffling past him and locking himself in the bathroom. He blinks for a minute, admittedly lost and trying to pinpoint what the fuck just happened. Maybe he just really had to piss, or something. He pushes the thought aside, grabbing a few things out of his duffel bag to poke and prod through.

It only gets weirder though, when Ai bolts out of the bathroom, past Rin and towards his bed. Yeah, his clothes are over there but...

"Dude, chill." Rin awkwardly scoffs, running a hand through his hair as if musing his next response. He's not trying to be gruff or anything. More just perplexed because this isn't anything new. They shared a locker room for years, a room for a year. Towels around waists literally is more than gracious than what some of the other boys on the Samezuka team blessed them with. Whipping each other with towels and shrieking throughout the locker (Momo certainly comes to mind... scratch that, both Mikoshibas...).

"Why are you sorry?"

Okay maybe Ai is just a more self conscious person or something. Rin realizes blankly, and feeling kind of inconsiderate and a bit of an ass. He bites his lip, turning his gaze back towards one of the books he pulled out of his duffel, trying to give him some. Privacy? Sure, whatever Ai wants.

[taeru]

Ai was fundamentally self-conscious. He's gotten better with age, but it certainly functioned as an achilles' heel of his. More than that, the problem was a balancing act between I have seen Rin-senpai's jewels multiple times both in the locker rooms and on accident in our dorm and this is my apartment and he is my guest. More than anything else, even his subjective issues, Ai was just trying to be a decent host. In his head too much, maybe, but that was nothing new.

To Rin's passing comment and then question, Ai stands up to full height, book case obscuring his lower half - now clothed, not that it can be seen beyond the furniture - as he pulls on an oversized t-shirt.

"I'm being considerate." His turn to walk out clothed, wet, and with a towel draped across his shoulders; he rounds into the living room and stands just beside Rin, lifting the edges of the towel to scruff his hair a bit more dry. A wry smile crosses his lips then, "Unless you'd rather I traipse around half-naked, but I'm not sure I'm ready for that kind of conversation, senpai." He can't help but snoop, neck extending to try and see Rin's book title, "What are you reading?"