"Yeah. Busy." He stares out the window blankly, Sousuke quickly dragging him out of it at least. Rin shakes his head, lodging that glum feeling loose.
"No such thing." Rin scoffs, letting his head press against the windshield. He knows Ai's house is creeping closer. And with it comes some. Discussion, or at least something. There's a thousand apologies fresh on Rin's tongue, things he's already recited time and time again. But maybe they can brush it aside for the night, ride the highs of the day, or something.
"Useless regret is shit. It's okay to wish things had gone differently." Rin's legs instinctively pull as close to his body as he can. "But don't spend too much time mulling either, right? Doubt you'd be pleased to hear me and Ai crying about your shoulder. And look how that turned out in the end."
It's okay to wish things had gone differently. A universal sentiment. One that has Sousuke suddenly focusing on the road, expression unreadable; and one that has Ai purposefully missing their last left turn, finding he's completely out of the mental energy to conjure to smooth over his embarrassment long enough to make it happen.
Regret was a heavy word, he thinks. It implied action, and wishing to take back that action. Ai finds himself wondering how much of the present is his fault, something he could regret, and how much of it was ordained punishment. Come on, Aiichirou, he mentally scolds, You're an Olympic qualifier. Think of the important things for now.
He purses his lips, hikes his shoulders, sidles up against the window-- all attempts at trying to release pent-up steam from his body, and none of it is working. This car ride is suddenly feeling way too long. At once, Ai barks,
"I only have so many tissues, so please feel an appropriate amount."
It is very obviously put on, constructed specifically to cut the looming tension; Sousuke immediately replies with one of those snarky smiles of his, pulling down a residential road.
"Don't think I'm the one that needs that advice."
Sousuke puts the car in park on the corner of Ai and Rin's apartment. Turns to look at Rin in his back seat, leveling him with a sincere, stern expression. "You did good today. If you're not proud, I'll have a bone to pick later." Turns forward in his seat again, lolling his cheek against his knuckles, other hand on the wheel. "Now get out of my car."
"Thank you, senpai." Ai might've reached over to hug Sousuke if he had his wits; without them, he only levels him with a smile, repeats to himself that he's an Olympic qualifier, and performs his hardest feat all day: unbuckles his seatbelt, steps out of Sousuke's car, and begins fishing for his keys. Figures with the length of time they spent driving, Rin would be fine to get out on his own, but Ai's prepared to help him with the steps, so Ai's circling the car to come to Rin's door.
The looming presence of losing Sousuke pangs Rin a little bit.
Maybe because he wanted to keep pushing off the tension, it was easy to do with a third party, who's dry humor could cut through anything. Or maybe it's because he's dimly aware that even though they're on the same team again, it doesn't quite feel like it did back in the day. Growing up, changing. For a brief moment in time, the car felt like some blast to the past. Rin bristles under Sousuke's words. And he scoffs, grabbing his bag and unbuckling his seatbelt.
"Pick away, asshole." Rin reaches over to squeeze Sousuke's arm. Maybe tighter than necessary, but something floods Rin's gaze and he suddenly feels like he's blinking back tears. "Thanks. See you later." It's an open offer, maybe Sousuke can text him more, maybe they can finish the talk they never did another time.
He lets go, and crawls out when Ai gets his door. His leg is still a touch sore, but he manages okay, tossing his bag over his shoulder with one last, solemn look at Sousuke's car. Sousuke looks at them through an open window, and maybe Rin sees a little reflection of what he's feeling in his own mind reflected in Sousuke's eyes. All before he gives them a little salute, and begins to drive away.
Rin stares after the car for a moment, before sighing and turning back towards Ai. "Yeah. Time to go home." And starts heading for the door.
Ai feels it, too. Sousuke leaves and drags with him by the scruff one of the only semblances of peace and familiarity the three of them had had all day, especially amongst each other. He was adrift again, alone with his feelings and no one with whom to share them. No one to reflect back at him. He shared that vulnerability with Rin, but did not trust himself that bearing his soul in the same way would net out in his favour.
It's selfish, he suddenly catches himself thinking, the way I rely on him. As Ai climbs the stairs - and minds Rin, constantly looking up at him to measure his step and make sure he was alright on his own - he realizes it was one of the only things he felt in control of, amongst all of it. Which might be why he chooses to latch onto that guilt, and not the guilt over everything that is about to smack him and Rin both in the face the moment he opens his door.
And speaking of. They make it to the landing, and Ai fishes his keys out; opens the door and, as always, waits for Rin to enter first. But Ai for his part seems stuck in the mouth just outside the entryway, unable to move. And then suddenly, he's fishing in his pocket.
"Oh! Hold on, let me make a phone call before we get settled." He pulls out his cell, "My parents are probably waiting to know." And he doubts Mikhail has called his mother; it's more likely his uncle was presently out getting drunk either with or because of Ryuji. "I'll come in in a little bit."
Him needing to make the phone call was truthful, but his timing was suspect at best; it's blatantly obvious Ai is postponing the inevitable.
He knows the second Ai says it, he's aiming for something else.
Rin blinks back at him after toeing off his shoes in the genkan. It's an obvious ploy to put some space or something between them again. And somehow, Rin knew this would happen the moment Sousuke left them. But, he doesn't fight against the inevitable. Already, this house feels a little more suffocating than before. But Rin just smiles, and nods back at Ai with a little wave.
"Go for it. Take all the time you need." His stomach is yelling at him anyways, so he can use it as an excuse to distract himself with that. Even if the prospect of food currently makes him want to puke. So Rin hauls himself inside, staring around the apartment for a moment.
Why does it feel so much bigger than before?
His fingers run through his hair less than gently, and he forces himself over to the fridge. Mental aptitude be damned right now, he can at least fucking figure this out. He tries to bite back tears from tanking, Ai and Sousuke having some inevitable conversation to give him and Haru space, the repercussions that will surely come from him and Haru having some grandiose talk. When in reality it was far from that. Just a few words and reassurances. Rin wonders why Haru bothered in the first place?
He shakes the thought loose, dumping some leftover curry in a bowl, and heating it up. It's not much, but something that he can easily choke down. He leaves the rest in a dish for Ai whenever he's done on the phone. Rin tries to tell himself Ai gives him his space when he needs it, and Rin shouldn't be a stupid fucker and should do the same.
Food tastes bitter, but he picks at it best he can, not even bothering to sit. Leaning against the counter, his leg bent a bit taking the pressure off as he's lost deep in thought. He puts his food down for a moment, pulling his phone out of his pocket. His thumb brushes over his phone, and he spares a glance towards the door, before making a call of his own.
His Mom answers on the first ring. Miyako's voice sounds gentle, though laced with concern.
"Honey... are you okay?"
And Rin fucking loses it.
All the weeks of frustration, all the months of locking himself away from people. He never even told his mom and Gou he moved back, they just knew he was there for the All Japan. And Miyako Matsuoka is far from stupid. She knows when her son has a chip on his shoulder and she knows when he needs his space. She's always so happy to accomadate him. Rin sniffs, fingers digging into the countertop.
"Yeah. Sorry for bailing earlier...did you and Gou get back to Yuna's alright?"
"Yeah, we're fine. You want to tell me what's going on? Or do we need to have a repeat of when you came back from Australia?" Rin chuckles softly, pulling at his hair again, trying to ground himself.
"Are you gonna be pissed if I tell you I've been back in Japan for a few months...?" Rin swallows, mentally preparing himself for some kind of tongue lashing. But it never comes, just a sigh followed by a soft laugh.
"No, because I know you and I don't ask questions anymore." Rin tries to match her laugh, but it comes off stale. So she continues pressing him gently. "Have you been staying with Haruka, or...?" Rin swallows, dragging his hand down to press his heel against his eye.
"No. Another friend. My old roommate from Samezuka, ah not...Sou. Haru and I sorta got into it a while back. So I was just avoiding everyone." It feels so guilty to admit he pushed people away just because of a falling out with one person. Someone he had fallen out with so many times over the years. He can hear the smile on his mom's face through the phone.
"I'm sure you had your reasons."
And oh, how Rin hates that. His mom giving him such an easy pass, when he doesn't deserve it. He feels his eyes sting, and for the umpteenth time today, his eyes begin to leak. Fuck, his head hurts. Miyako can clearly hear her son crying over the phone, but lets it happen, just whispering some gentle reassurances as it does.
"You've always excelled at pushing us away when something's wrong. Is it just Haruka? Or something else going on?" And Rin doesn't know how to answer. He spares a glance over at the door, before miserably fessing up.
"...my friend and I. Got into it too. I really hurt his feelings." The last thing Rin wants to do is to admit to his own mother how much of a slut he is, because oh isn't that at the forefront of his mind right now. But because she is intuitive, she just sighs, a small laugh following.
"Honey, you've got to control yourself or you won't have any friends left." Rin bristles, but she covers it it with a small noise, one she always reassured him with as a child. "...I hope the two of you can work things out. No matter what happened. We're rooting for you." And Rin fucking loses it, choking and sobbing against his phone for a few moments. Miyako just giving her son the space to do so. When he's finally able to get a hold of himself, he wipes his face with the back of his hand, muttering some small thanks over the line. It sounds like she's crying a little too.
"Don't be a stranger, okay? Maybe come home for a little while soon? I'm sure training camps are going to be coming up but..." Rin nods, knowing she can't see him do so but maybe she can understand.
"Yeah...thanks Mom. I will."
They exchange a few more words, before saying their goodbyes and Rin puts his phone back on the counter, trying to take in a few, shuddering breaths.
Ai waits until Rin's disappeared into the entryway and for the door to close before dialing his mother first, figuring that wherever she is, his father is likely closeby, and it'd be easier to get two birds with one stone.
In general Ai tried to stay in good contact with his parents; they were extremely busy people, but often at least tried to make time for him on the important things. Unable to escape their work responsibilities to come to Tokyo, Ai knew this call would be somewhat lengthy as they both asked for all the details. And he's of course happy to oblige; he's blessed to be able to say he and his parents are on very good terms. Even the times they don't know everything, it is almost as if that which is left unsaid isn't important. The perks of being an only child and Beloved First Son, he guesses.
Ai immediately wishes he'd caught them at a time where mom was still at work or vice versa, because they talk over each other near-constantly, making it impossible for Ai to get a word in edge-wise, let alone decipher the questions they're asking. Apparently Mikhail did text Ai's mother immediately after his qualifying heat, and his father brags about having bullied his coworkers into changing the station on their office TV in order to catch it live.
Who could have thought you could be so strong? he says. Ai blinks at his phone. It's partially his fault for leaving them in the dark, if he's honest; had been too embarrassed to reach out to his professional swimming uncle because he didn't feel proud of himself yet. Never told his parents his accolades from Samezuka because he didn't feel they were worthy enough of celebration yet. It only stands to reason they barely knew what he was capable of, and would be surprised he could accomplish something worthwhile after all.
"There were more people than just me in the lane is why." And speaking of important people who have changed his life-- Ai begins to apologize profusely for taking up their time, and his father is apologizing profusely back, and his mother is giving him all the wonderfully maternal if uninformed platitudes in the world at rapid speed, like don't overdo it! and please remember to eat three square meals a day! and I'll send you the nice beef from the market if you want it and nothing worth doing is ever easy, so please keep trying your best, Aiichirou! and say, honey, is your neck alright?--
Ai abruptly ends the call and throws the front door open, expression stuck mid-panic.
He isn't surprised to see the state Rin is in, only how quickly its onset had been. Ai hurriedly closes the door and toes off his shoes, pocketing his phone at record speed.
"Senpai?" he asks, like a moron, as if all the reasons Rin could be crying weren't painfully obvious. Ai approaches him, as if all his trepidation and complicated sentiment had been washed over by an instinct and habit four years under the whetting stone. Pauses when he sees the bowl of curry Rin's set out for him. Feels a small warmth bloom in his chest - and tries to fight off a small laugh at the mental image of Rin preparing this food through tears.
"That was kind of you, thank you." Whatever questions he had been about to bombard Rin with are waylaid; Ai enters the kitchen to scope out for a curry spoon, he knows he has one somewhere. Looks back to Rin as he does, "My parents both asked how you were doing, by the way. Dad especially seemed really impressed with your times today." The qualifying ones, but Aiichirou chooses not to specify the obvious. "They're both taken with you, it's sweet. I sometimes have to wonder who they're actually rooting for." The smile Ai flashes is genuine, if small. He knows he's historically been cagey about details of his home life (for no reason other than not thinking Rin would care very much) but it's present front of mind, and yet another way he can delay the inevitable. And so his mouth, it runs.
It's so stupid. Ai nearly tripping over himself to come closer. Rin slaps a palm over his own mouth, and simply laughs into the back of it.
Maybe it gives off the appearance of mania, or maybe it's just some far gone comfort slowly settling back into the fray. Rin doesn't know, and Rin doesn't care. All he knows is he is trying to take in Ai's kind words relayed from his parents. They are too kind, truly. It's an obvious ploy to get him to stop whatever post wailing breathing exercises he was self participating in. But Rin finally swallows down the laughter, wiping his cheek with the back of his hand.
"They better be rooting for you. You're going to kill it." Rin smirks halfheartedly, pushing Ai's bowl towards him. "Might need to heat it back up, sorry. Was talking to Mom, and kind of got distracted." Those words really should say it all. Talking to Mom, because if Rin is on the phone with her one of two things happens.
One, he cries. Point blank.
Two, he fusses until he eventually hangs up and she's the one laughing herself to tears on the other end. It's a good equivalent exchange between them, a mutual understanding.
Rin tries shoving a spoonful of his own lukewarm food back into his mouth. It feels like swallowing a ball of sand, but he tries to force it down. Ai's parents are right about one thing, and that's staying in form for whatever is to come. Rin spares a glance over at Ai, sighing as a drop of curry splashes back into the bowl and he lets the spoon settle back in there for a bit.
"Your folks doing good though?" Offering Ai that room to run his mouth, be as uncagey as he wants with the details. Rin always liked it when Ai shared about his dog, after that first night back. It felt like a glimpse into a person he knew so little about at the end of the day.
It was all so needlessly sequestered in his brain, and has been since time immemorial. Not afraid to take up space, but maybe a bit afraid of revealing too much. Assuming from the onset that no singular part of him was worth the extrapolation, not without a query first. That, or a much less cerebral and more relatable shame held him back from being forthright.
It's why Rin didn't know about Mikhail's relation until Ai himself had climbed to a level to deem himself worthy of being related to someone who swam better than him. It's why he didn't deign to know Rin's friends any deeper until Sousuke proved to Ai that he was enough on his own, without the need of being someone else's shadow. All in time. Talking about his parents and his home life was just another facet of it all.
He finally finds his curry spoon and brings the bowl on top of the half-wall partition that separates the kitchen from the living space, standing up and using it as a makeshift table. After the amount of energy he's burned today, unlike Rin, Ai is happy to eat it all.
"It's fine like this," he intones, clearly more intent on shoveling food down his gullet than wasting another two seconds getting it a couple degrees warmer. Swallows around a bite and tells himself to slow down unless he wants to make himself sick, "How's Matsuoka-san doing? I'd thought of seeking out her and your sister before we left, but I didn't want to impose." Funny how he'd been so intimidated at the idea of meeting her, and when he finally had the shot, so many other things just-- overshadowed it. Ai wonders passively if he's left a good impression or not.
It's Ai's turn to stifle a laugh, watching Rin putz his food around like a picky kid. Not that he was, Ai knew him to have a good appetite and palate - still, it elicited that same familiarity in his chest. Maybe things can be alright after all.
He nods his head, "They're great. Just very busy, neither could make it out here to watch in person." Then laughs in that airy way of his, and bats the air in front of his face as if to get rid of something, "It's a little embarrassing how much they ask about you. Well, it makes sense, they know you're a phenomenal swimmer." Rin might remember Ai's parents from at least a few Regional competitions; he was a spitting image of his mother, and has seemingly inherited all the worst possible personality traits from both parents. His mother's tenacity, his father's affability.
It's not a lie. Rin is sure that she is worried right and left about him, even after being reassured on the phone that he is fine beyond being the baby he always is when they talk. But it's not the entire truth either. He watches Ai leave the kitchen, and shovel down food at a rate he doesn't think he's ever seen from his friend before. He laughs, pushing his own bowl to the side. It won't stay down if he eats much more anyways.
"Sounds like they watched you still?" Rin ventures a little farther, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly at the praise. It's equally nothing new, but hearing it from the whole family makes his skin prickle a little. He doesn't deserve it, not after today. Not after the kind of shit he's pulled on their son recently. Would they be so pleasant if they knew the truth?
He shoves the thought away, leaning his chin on his hand. It's easy to fall back into whatever routine they had before Rin dragged everything through the mud. But there's still some looming things that need to be said. But they both appear desperate enough to cast those things aside, and so Rin continues to brush it aside. Ai is too, so really he's not solely responsible at least. Rin tries to settle on another topic instead.
Ai thinks he'd rather jump into oncoming traffic than tell his parents about any of that. They didn't even think their son knew what kissing was, as far as he's concerned. Has done a stellar job for years of selling an image of a boy and then a man whose curiosities were purely academic or athletic, and anything else simply didn't have the time. All that, plus he would never purposely sully Rin's name, no matter the circumstance.
"Dad I guess has a television in his office, and mom was watching it from her hotel room." Ai doesn't want to think about the insane logistics that must go into broadcasting sporting events, and is only mildly surprised to think his heat was not only filmed, but his victory thereafter. Ai only remembers now that he screamed. It causes him to flush a little, suddenly shoving his chin and mouth into and behind the palm of his hand.
And then Rin chimes in. Ai doesn't mean to hit him with a really? by way of eyebrows raised to his hairline and eyes otherwise dead on arrival, but. Ai for his part can't tell how much of it is Rin being cheeky versus trying to toe the line of the stuff Ai wishes he could instead throw out the window. He weighs his options sincerely; it's more likely Rin might ask something sensitive, so Ai figures his response is an obvious one.
"Dare." Despite his reservations, he pouts. "I thought we finished in the car."
Rin knew what Ai's answer would be. Maybe Ai would have surprised him, but that's not what happened and Rin just shrugs it off. He's avoiding the inevitable too. But maybe he's trying to take some initiative, because well. Isn't all of this his fault anyways?
Rin smiles softly, tracing the edge of his bowl with one finger. It's not quite a sad smile, but it's not very happy either. Weighted more than anything else. Well, he'll be kind enough. There's not enough money in the world that could make him be cruel again to Ai. Not intentionally, at the very least.
"Okay. Dare, huh." Rin reiterates, tilting his head a little where it rests on his hand.
"I dare you to tell me the last time you talked to Haru. Alone." It's an open ended question. One that is open for interpretation. Ai could lie and say it was at Samezuka all those years ago. But Rin had some inkling that they spoke. Haru went from cold and hands off after whatever he was staring at with Ai and Rin's neck to kind and even touching Rin.
But Rin quickly tacks on.
"But you can tell me to piss off too, and ask something else. I'm not gonna force anything out of you. Especially after everything else I've done." His tone is still gentle, trying to be understanding. So it doesn't spiral into whatever the last time they tried to have a "talk" was.
So it goes. Ai knew better than to think he'd outrun Rin forever. His legs were longer, and if there was any singular person more stubborn on planet earth than Ai was, it was Rin himself.
His hands press up the length of his face and into his hair and back down his neck, hands uncomfortably clasped on either side of his nape, elbows on the countertop. It is clearly evident he doesn't want to have this conversation, but... He, too, knows he could lie. Or tell Rin to shove it. Ai has the authority to choose myriad ways of getting out of it, prime among them telling Rin to move out. Then this would all be permanently behind them, surely. But he knows it isn't the responsible answer; it doesn't accomplish much other than cowardice.
Prematurely anticipating dredging up the remnants of fresh memories he had just forgotten for all of two minutes, Ai relents.
"Right before my qualifier," comes his stable answer. His eyes are even on Rin, even if Ai wants to look anywhere but. But he has some amount of internal need for Rin to understand all that had transpired and all that he does and says now are only in good faith, despite everything. "We bumped into each other out in the hallway."
His fingers curl against his nape. Rin didn't ask for more than that, but Ai knows it's his onus to deliver, so he might as well.
"I saw the way he was looking at me... At us. I couldn't stand it anymore. And I only told him two things." Ai shrugs. Resigned. "That what he thinks happened between us isn't important. And that if he reached out to you, he wouldn't regret it. Those were my exact words."
He leaves out the deeper parts. How he saw an opportunity to drive a nail into his own foot but chose it anyway because it was the right thing to do. Or in the flowery language he used with Sousuke, I'll never be the reason Rin-senpai's smile goes away. Absolutely never. For the better; following his words, Ai's brain immediately kicks into overdrive, trying to preemptively guard against whatever possible reaction Rin might have. Anger that Ai spoke on his behalf? Justified. Upset that Ai meddled? Justified. Horrified Ai would bother with such a thing minutes before his heat? Justified. All at once, the remaining food in his bowl is wholly unappetizing.
It's quiet for a while. Rin isn't glaring at him, shooting him dirty or pitying glances, just taking it all in. Watching Ai slowly unravel with what should be a simple statement, turned into over explanation--like Ai has something he has to defend himself over. Committed some crime.
His shoulders sag a little, as he sighs.
Rin pulls the hand from his chin, pinching the bridge of his nose. All before he stalks off to stand near Ai. He gives him a look, the expression on his face not quite clear. And then Rin leans down, and flicks Ai right in the forehead.
"That's for lying to him, and saying it wasn't important."
Rin's tone is slightly rigid, but far from exasperated or angry. Maybe just the tiniest tone of annoyed. He pulls himself back again, stuffing one hand into his pocket with a huff.
"You've got to get better about what people think. Especially what people think about me. I'm an adult who makes shit choices sometimes. But they're my decisions. The only thing about any of that that sucks is... is how much I hurt your feelings."
Sure, Rin's grateful Haru closed that distance. The one both of them had put up together. But seeing Ai gut himself over it isn't great either.
"I didn't--!" Ow! Not necessary! Ai rubs at his forehead with an aggravated huff. Rather than shrink however, Ai straightens his spine and looks Rin right in the eye, inches between them, all defiance and certainty in whatever sentiment is currently floating in his chest, only slightly offset by the fact he's still rubbing his forehead.
"But it wasn't." His eyebrows lower. "Not in a way that mattered, and not in a way that mattered specifically to Nanase-san." Ai really doesn't want to spell it out: what they did was purely carnal. For Rin it served a purpose. Ai learned the hard way only after the fact that room for it to serve something deeper, something important was a gross miscalculation on his part. For him to sit here and have Rin try to tell him that's wrong nearly has Ai indignant and beside himself.
But he relents. Even if he still disagrees with what's coming out of Rin's mouth, but Ai can put technicalities aside long enough to recognize Rin's trying to dig at something broader.
"It's okay." He means it, even if he doesn't feel it. Ai knows with time that'll come. Still, he shakes his head, and leans on the partition with his elbows, no longer feeling a need to so directly confront Rin anymore, "But you're underestimating me, Rin-senpai. Whatever Nanase-san or anyone else thinks of you isn't my business, and what they think of me I can fix with time." His voice grows just a little smaller.
"I had an opportunity to help, and I took it. That's all." He shifts his weight some, turning his cheek away from Rin; seems he's hit his quota for his backbone. "And I'd do it again, a thousand times over. Because I saw and felt firsthand exactly what it was doing to you."
He takes in a breath.
"You can be upset at me for interfering. Unfortunately, on this one, I'm not going to apologize."
"It was something I did with someone close to me. It matters. Haru can fucking deal with it." He huffs out, turning his own cheek away in turn.
At least Ai (maybe? somewhat?) accepts his apology, affirming it's okay even if Rin still feels like garbage over it. He'll keep professing it probably until the day he dies, or the day Ai is so sick of hearing it he blocks him out entirely. Who's to say which would come first? It just makes him feel worse the more Ai's voice shrinks as his words carry on.
But then again, he should feel like shit for it. If he'd known what he did, he never would have--
It's Rin's turn to try to make himself small. His arms fold on the counter, and he presses his face against them. His brows are twisted, his mouth the same though graciously hidden by his arms. He's not mad at Ai, far from it. Conversation sucks, all of this does. And it's Rin's fault they have to do any of it to begin with, so he might as well face the music. At least he's keeping himself tempered this time, not exploding at someone who definitely doesn't deserve it.
"...and what exactly was it doing?" Rin mutters into his arm, glaring at one of the bowls at the counter. Before immediately skipping right into the next topic.
"Not asking for an apology. It's my fault anyways. I'm the one who's sorry for all of this to begin with. I spun out and dragged you and Sousuke down and I'm sorry."
He can almost feel it, the way a shadow creeps between the both of them and begins to build upward, brick by brick. The longer it spans on, the more Ai tries to shield himself, the taller the wall gets. He so badly doesn't want to talk about it anymore - doesn't want to seem as if he's rubbing Rin's nose in it, doesn't want to keep reminding himself he's third best. All the deprecating truths that were already on repeat in his head like a horrible chorus. But for Rin's sake, he articulates it one last time, voice even and calm if a bit distant, matching Rin's suddenly solemn energy.
"You pulled away." Ai grips his arms, leans to one side some. "I had my suspicions when you first arrived, and that night," that night, "I had them confirmed. You hadn't isolated that badly since we'd first met."
His tongue feels thick like molasses; he has to take a second to swallow it down, loosen it up enough to get the god damn words out.
"I knew it wasn't good when you lashed out. And I had a sense of exactly how bad it was when we touched." His eyes slip closed, eyebrows knit together. "... And I knew why when I couldn't tell whose name you were calling."
Ai hates how quickly and immediately it makes his eyes prick; stubbornly, he presses a knuckle to his duct, staying them for now. "I did everything. I gave all of me. And yet still, Nanase-san accomplished in minutes what I'd tried to do for weeks.
"He brought your smile back.
"... So that's why." Ai sits up and off the countertop, back to Rin. His shame, his uselessness hangs over him like a fog. His voice suddenly booms, stubborn and pivoting hard in an obvious attempt to outrun those feelings, "And no, I don't regret it. Not one part of it. And I take you exactly as you are, Rin-senpai. You didn't scare me four years ago, you didn't last month, and you don't now. Every single part of you is part of someone who,"
He has to pause to take a deeeep breath.
"-- Who I consider one of my best friends. It's what friends do."
There's a certain turning point, in any relationship.
Messy realizations curdling into an agonizing truth. That you can apologize a thousand times, and it won't make things better. You can wistfully hope that you could go back in time, make it so things never happened. But it's cruel to hope for things that can't ever happen.
Rin bites his lip, his gaze twisting towards the countertop. Because he can't deny the truth in Ai's words. He pulled away, from everything. His friends, his family, himself. His hand drops to his side, fist curling. But not out of anger, or wanting to hit something. Just the sheer, dizzying anguish of what he's done, the things he's drudged up for Ai and the pain he's caused countless people in the fallout.
He brought your smile back.
It would be so easy for Rin to argue that Haru was the one to take it away in the first place. But wouldn't that be a lie? Rin was the one who went to Australia, Rin was the one who didn't fight harder... For the thousandth time today, Rin's tears slip out, dribbling onto the countertop.
A split second decision, a selfishly fueled one, caused all of this. If Rin had just taken his space and left, if Rin had just not done everything he'd done... would Ai be hurting the same way? Would Sousuke? Would Rin be living in ignorant bliss of his friend's feelings towards him, casually draping himself over them and playfully flirting like he'd always done before?
"I..." He doesn't finish the sentence.
It's what friends do.
It would be cruel to try to touch Ai right now, hug him, or squeeze his wrist. Ai's back is turned to him, and Rin doesn't try to push the matter. No turn around damnits or any other demands. Just the soft drip of tears, and sniffles echoing in the kitchen.
It's a familiar scene, and cruel that he has to step into it twice today.
He wore his heart on his sleeve, often not caring how much or how little his friends watched him cry. But he couldn't in front of Sousuke earlier, because knowing he'd see that reflected back at him if Sousuke saw the extent of it had Ai turning his back for Sousuke's sake. And it was the same now, not wanting his countenance to betray the words he so badly needs Rin to hear, and to understand, and to know are true. I don't regret any of it. You don't scare me. It's what friends do.
But the shame is what has him standing like that in a prolonged silence even after Rin professes his grief for the seventeenth time in as many chimes. Because all of this would have been so much easier, so much less messy if Ai could have just stayed in his lane.
Furiously, Ai wipes at his face. He may not have Haruka's magic, or hold the weight to be able to make Rin's day brighter by just existing, but the least Ai could do was try and not let this day end on such a depressing note. So it's in spite of his face being reddened and tear-stained that he turns back around, pushing against his eye with his palm one last time, and doing his god damned best to croak a smile up from anywhere he can think to make it organic. Thinks of the way Rin smiled when among all of his friends. Of his cheer when he won his first qualifier. Of the car ride.
"It's okay," he repeats, with that same gentle, unconditional knowing. It wasn't really Ai's modus to be the one to bridge physical contact, but he knows how Rin communicates, and he's still human, and the wall between them is cold. He leans forward, enough to be able to touch and squeeze Rin's wrist, as if to try and bring him back to reality. That, and maybe silently affirm that Ai meant what he had said days ago: please don't treat me any differently.
"It's no good to worry about the things we can't change." Forces his smile brighter, tries to make his sniff quiet. "Rin-senpai, you cleared two qualifiers. You're a shoe-in for the Olympic team." He really doesn't have the energy or capacity to force himself to be jovial, but he still does it anyway. It's all he knows: endure. "Even I," and despite the rest of him, Ai still has to shake his head in disbelief, "Someone like me could manage it, too. We've got a lot of hard work cut out ahead of us, but."
So much more he wants to say, in vain or otherwise. But his throat constricts tightly and his bottom lip begins losing its composure-- so he turns his back again. And groans, clearly frustrated with himself.
"I'll have to quit my job," comes a muddied, wet laugh.
It seems like such a distant memory now. The fresh rawness of everything else tumbling down around them. Ai's fingers tight around his wrist. Rin almost jerks away, rebuttals that he doesn't deserve the kindness surrounding the gesture. His throat feels hot, his face hurts as it screws up, trying to fight it all down.
"Right." He manages to spit out, using his free hand to scrub his face dry, or at least make a pathetic attempt towards it. "You worked your ass off too. It's going to be hard." He's just trying to chug along through this conversation, ignoring the tremors he can feel traveling up his arm. Whether they're from him or Ai, he can't say for certain.
It's so easy to say don't focus on the obvious. It's harder still to actually follow through. The elephant in the room glowering, ever present, but they're tip toeing around it like it never existed to begin with. He tries to utter sympathetic words for Ai having to quit his job. He thinks Ai likes it well enough at least, the times he's seen him there.
"That's shit." His voice feels hollow, trying to keep his voice level. "...do you think they'll let you come back after this is all over?" Even though there's no real timeline. There's qualifying matches all over the world, training camps, olympics themselves, it's a fast paced lifestyle. Rin is sure he doesn't even begin to grasp it quite yet.
A slow, measured breath in. An even, calming breath out. Ai's silence this time isn't for lack of wanting to say words he'd rather kept unsaid; he's doing the hard work of composing himself. Because if he's going to try and act as if things have the potential to go back to normal, he has to start somewhere. Being able to look Rin in the eye and not immediately burst into tears is a good place to try and start as any.
For the second time he turns around, and unlike before actually does seem a bit calmed down. He will become a professional at ignoring that elephant, god damnit. Ai will be the one to ride it back out into the wilderness and get it out of the room. He will tamp it all down, drywall and spackle and buff and paint it all-- because a minute ago, it was just him and his hurt. But now?
Yeah. The Olympic team. It was more than just Rin, and more still than Haruka. If Ai didn't get his shit together, he risked complicating things for at least four people. The only clear option was to try and get over himself, in whatever ways possible.
It started here. If Rin thinks he can get Ai to expose himself a third time, he's a fool. This time, I absolutely won't fail.
"I don't know if I'd want to," he answers honestly, voice still a bit wet but his cadence is even. Leans against the wall a little; just standing there in front of Rin was a bit awkward, and Ai was now so full of pent-up emotional energy it manifested in his body needing somewhere to go or something to do. "I want to see how far into this world I can bring myself."
-- but there's still that little nag. An instinct of his he can't conveniently kill. Ai looks through wet eyelashes at Rin, eyebrows knit in that sympathetic way of his. His voice that familiar tone - calm, and pointed, and aggravatingly selfless.
There's some old saying, that goes hand in hand with putting on a mask to help save face. And Rin slips so easily back into it when the timing is appropriate. Warm fingers feeling like they're squeezing the life out of his wrist, when in reality they are nothing but grounding and gentle.
Rin tries to force his breathing to even out, for Ai's sake. Definitely not for his own.
"You will." His voice is stern, startling even himself as he forces himself to look at Ai best he can. Blinking away the tears furiously rubbing at the wet marks trailing down his cheeks. He smiles, twisting his hand in such a way to squeeze his fingers over Ai's. Trying to return that gentle reassurance in anyway he can, without being overtly affectionate. Ai may have said don't treat me differently but Rin will still overthink it everytime.
After all, he knows the feeling well.
"If there's anyone who's fucking stamina can make it in the big leagues, it's yours. One hundred percent." Rin smirks halfheartedly, letting the contact cease and pulling himself back a little bit. He needs something to do, so he gathers his own bowl up, tossing out the remains and begins handwashing it in the sink, enjoy the flood of warm water (maybe too hot) singing his skin. A small reprieve. A small feeling of something other than whatever this awkward string he's weaved is.
"Yeah. I'll be alright." He flashes a soft smile at Ai. "I will be."
[Ai smiles, in a way that so badly wants to feel the pride that Rin evidently feels for him, but his current state makes it hard to do so. He can focus and reason with himself long enough to not be a babbling mess, but squeezing positivity out of him was going to be like trying to squeeze moisture out of a rock.]
That's kind of you to say. [Rin's absconded to the sink, and Ai needs to clean up his bowl too, so he starts doing exactly that, scraping the small bit of food he couldn't finish into the garbage and waiting for Rin to free up at the sink to do the same,] Maybe next time I can try for the IM. It wasn't in the cards this year.
It's something else to look forward to and work toward. Ai's realized that much today, and especially tonight: if he doesn't broaden his network and his purview, he's in trouble. If he doesn't, he has the potential to compromise Rin, too. That he simply wouldn't be able to forgive himself over.
Rin's reassurance lands, and Ai's smile grows a little. He believes Rin in that he'll be alright; he has to. In the same way Rin has to blindly trust Ai will be alright, too. What eats at Ai is the thought of his place in Rin's life effectively being inverted. Having once been the solver, but now the problem. And who is out there to salve over Rin's wounds this time? To help him be alright?
There is still so much more to say, or to ask. None of it relevant to the actual milestones of the evening. Ai wonders how much of it even matters; if a month, a year from now he or the both of them will look back on this evening in their kitchen and look at their past selves with some level of embarrassment and disdain. Is it worth solving if it was worth breaking?
But that's my fault. So it's on me to do something about it.
He waits for access to the sink, and rather unceremoniously mumbles,] I think I'll take a shower and turn in early.
[rin finishing cleaning his own bowl, gesturing to ai to hand it to him so he can do the same. might as well since he's here. he thinks, with a little jealous, about how haru was always going on and on about only swimming free. and then decided to just hop in and do the individual medley to swim with ikuya again. maybe that stings a little that haru swam butterfly for someone else first but--
eh. details]
Yeah. Go for it.
[rin grabs at ai's bowl this time, to clean it, turning the scalding water down a bit to spare ai some hot water. after such a long, messy day? he needs it. rin will get there eventually. maybe in the middle of the night. maybe he'll go out for a run first. no, scratch that. bad idea. leg, right. he shakes his head, nodding in ai's direction]
[Ai had half-expected Rin to take the chore for him, but didn't want to impose. Even when it was basically Rin's only chore in the apartment thanks to Ai's neuroticism and intentions to keep Rin as unburdened as possible, Ai didn't want to impose and often still washed his own things. All the same he hands his bowl over, flashing a smile clearly meant for Rin in appreciation, but unable to look up to meet his eye.]
It pushes you to your limit... That's how I feel, anyway. I have a strong start, but I feel I could be doing something better with my energy. For someone like me, the IM is a good fit. [He remembers their first year, feeling so down on himself that he couldn't qualify for the IM or for breast, meanwhile Rin who had accolades to spare kneecapped himself to only the free 100m. At the time, Ai didn't get it-- at the time he was jealous, frustrated even. Now--
Now he supposes, in hindsight, not much has really changed. Only the reasons whyfor.
He's keen not to let his thoughts spiral for a tenth time tonight, so leans away from the counter and begins shuffling his feet toward the shower room.]
We both do. [Doesn't even want to touch whatever the hell might be going through Rin's head with a ten foot pole, and shocking even himself, Ai is too tired to try. He rounds the corner to the shower room door,] I'll leave you some hot water, [and disappears inside.
Clothes off, water frigid ice cold. He didn't need to punish himself anymore - what he needed was a wakeup call. He spends the first ten minutes sobbing his heart out (quietly, politely,) the next ten committing to memory the sensation of the water pricking his skin like a thousand icy needles, and the next ten actually washing off.]
[in that moment, something about ai feels. frigid. it's enough to catch rin off guard entirely as ai pardons himself to shower. rin is in fact so dumbounded he just stands there, hands under the sink for a few moments. until the shower turning on kickstarts some varying temperature his way, and he hisses at the boiling water scalding his hand.
he yanks his hand back, near slamming the faucet off and staring down at the red skin, before letting his gaze trail back towards the bathroom. it's all he can do to just not follow ai in there, and ask what the hell his problem is.
rin pushes his hand through his hair. deep breaths. deep breaths. he tries not to think, as he turns the sink off, that it sounds faintly like choked back somethings, because it's not his business and he can't impose. so rin does what rin does best, and just makes a cup of ai's favorite tea, setting it on the counter. he looks at it bitterly for a moment, thinking of the cup he shattered in his recklessness, wondering if it perhaps meant something to ai or was just another thing. rin bites his lip.
no. there's no such thing as just another thing, and he thinks dimly like he treated ai like that during that heated moment.
ai wants his space. so rin gives it to him. he glances back at his jacket, temptation flooding him to just get out, leave. go run until his heart is slamming so hard against his chest it feels like there's something there beyond whatever dull ache is throbbing. but he knows that's reckless and stupid, so he forces himself to sit on the couch, grab whatever book is closest to him (poems of the goat ugh. it works) and try forcing his nose between the pages.
it does little to dull the throbbing ache. he smacks his forehead with the book a few times. come on rin fucking matsuoka. don't tank. you're going to the olympics it's all you ever wanted. who cares about everyone else? and oh he hates that little inner voice that pops up every now and again. the one that plagued him first year, and all those years in australia as a kid. the one that said to push everyone away.
he grits his teeth, digging the book into his face a little harder]
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Date: 2025-08-06 02:50 am (UTC)"No such thing." Rin scoffs, letting his head press against the windshield. He knows Ai's house is creeping closer. And with it comes some. Discussion, or at least something. There's a thousand apologies fresh on Rin's tongue, things he's already recited time and time again. But maybe they can brush it aside for the night, ride the highs of the day, or something.
"Useless regret is shit. It's okay to wish things had gone differently." Rin's legs instinctively pull as close to his body as he can. "But don't spend too much time mulling either, right? Doubt you'd be pleased to hear me and Ai crying about your shoulder. And look how that turned out in the end."
An amazing recovery is what.
"Just feel what you need to."
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Date: 2025-08-06 03:03 am (UTC)Regret was a heavy word, he thinks. It implied action, and wishing to take back that action. Ai finds himself wondering how much of the present is his fault, something he could regret, and how much of it was ordained punishment. Come on, Aiichirou, he mentally scolds, You're an Olympic qualifier. Think of the important things for now.
He purses his lips, hikes his shoulders, sidles up against the window-- all attempts at trying to release pent-up steam from his body, and none of it is working. This car ride is suddenly feeling way too long. At once, Ai barks,
"I only have so many tissues, so please feel an appropriate amount."
It is very obviously put on, constructed specifically to cut the looming tension; Sousuke immediately replies with one of those snarky smiles of his, pulling down a residential road.
"Don't think I'm the one that needs that advice."
Sousuke puts the car in park on the corner of Ai and Rin's apartment. Turns to look at Rin in his back seat, leveling him with a sincere, stern expression. "You did good today. If you're not proud, I'll have a bone to pick later." Turns forward in his seat again, lolling his cheek against his knuckles, other hand on the wheel. "Now get out of my car."
"Thank you, senpai." Ai might've reached over to hug Sousuke if he had his wits; without them, he only levels him with a smile, repeats to himself that he's an Olympic qualifier, and performs his hardest feat all day: unbuckles his seatbelt, steps out of Sousuke's car, and begins fishing for his keys. Figures with the length of time they spent driving, Rin would be fine to get out on his own, but Ai's prepared to help him with the steps, so Ai's circling the car to come to Rin's door.
"Let's go home."
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Date: 2025-08-06 03:45 am (UTC)Maybe because he wanted to keep pushing off the tension, it was easy to do with a third party, who's dry humor could cut through anything. Or maybe it's because he's dimly aware that even though they're on the same team again, it doesn't quite feel like it did back in the day. Growing up, changing. For a brief moment in time, the car felt like some blast to the past. Rin bristles under Sousuke's words. And he scoffs, grabbing his bag and unbuckling his seatbelt.
"Pick away, asshole." Rin reaches over to squeeze Sousuke's arm. Maybe tighter than necessary, but something floods Rin's gaze and he suddenly feels like he's blinking back tears. "Thanks. See you later." It's an open offer, maybe Sousuke can text him more, maybe they can finish the talk they never did another time.
He lets go, and crawls out when Ai gets his door. His leg is still a touch sore, but he manages okay, tossing his bag over his shoulder with one last, solemn look at Sousuke's car. Sousuke looks at them through an open window, and maybe Rin sees a little reflection of what he's feeling in his own mind reflected in Sousuke's eyes. All before he gives them a little salute, and begins to drive away.
Rin stares after the car for a moment, before sighing and turning back towards Ai. "Yeah. Time to go home." And starts heading for the door.
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Date: 2025-08-06 03:57 am (UTC)It's selfish, he suddenly catches himself thinking, the way I rely on him. As Ai climbs the stairs - and minds Rin, constantly looking up at him to measure his step and make sure he was alright on his own - he realizes it was one of the only things he felt in control of, amongst all of it. Which might be why he chooses to latch onto that guilt, and not the guilt over everything that is about to smack him and Rin both in the face the moment he opens his door.
And speaking of. They make it to the landing, and Ai fishes his keys out; opens the door and, as always, waits for Rin to enter first. But Ai for his part seems stuck in the mouth just outside the entryway, unable to move. And then suddenly, he's fishing in his pocket.
"Oh! Hold on, let me make a phone call before we get settled." He pulls out his cell, "My parents are probably waiting to know." And he doubts Mikhail has called his mother; it's more likely his uncle was presently out getting drunk either with or because of Ryuji. "I'll come in in a little bit."
Him needing to make the phone call was truthful, but his timing was suspect at best; it's blatantly obvious Ai is postponing the inevitable.
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Date: 2025-08-06 10:13 am (UTC)Rin blinks back at him after toeing off his shoes in the genkan. It's an obvious ploy to put some space or something between them again. And somehow, Rin knew this would happen the moment Sousuke left them. But, he doesn't fight against the inevitable. Already, this house feels a little more suffocating than before. But Rin just smiles, and nods back at Ai with a little wave.
"Go for it. Take all the time you need." His stomach is yelling at him anyways, so he can use it as an excuse to distract himself with that. Even if the prospect of food currently makes him want to puke. So Rin hauls himself inside, staring around the apartment for a moment.
Why does it feel so much bigger than before?
His fingers run through his hair less than gently, and he forces himself over to the fridge. Mental aptitude be damned right now, he can at least fucking figure this out. He tries to bite back tears from tanking, Ai and Sousuke having some inevitable conversation to give him and Haru space, the repercussions that will surely come from him and Haru having some grandiose talk. When in reality it was far from that. Just a few words and reassurances. Rin wonders why Haru bothered in the first place?
He shakes the thought loose, dumping some leftover curry in a bowl, and heating it up. It's not much, but something that he can easily choke down. He leaves the rest in a dish for Ai whenever he's done on the phone. Rin tries to tell himself Ai gives him his space when he needs it, and Rin shouldn't be a stupid fucker and should do the same.
Food tastes bitter, but he picks at it best he can, not even bothering to sit. Leaning against the counter, his leg bent a bit taking the pressure off as he's lost deep in thought. He puts his food down for a moment, pulling his phone out of his pocket. His thumb brushes over his phone, and he spares a glance towards the door, before making a call of his own.
His Mom answers on the first ring. Miyako's voice sounds gentle, though laced with concern.
"Honey... are you okay?"
And Rin fucking loses it.
All the weeks of frustration, all the months of locking himself away from people. He never even told his mom and Gou he moved back, they just knew he was there for the All Japan. And Miyako Matsuoka is far from stupid. She knows when her son has a chip on his shoulder and she knows when he needs his space. She's always so happy to accomadate him. Rin sniffs, fingers digging into the countertop.
"Yeah. Sorry for bailing earlier...did you and Gou get back to Yuna's alright?"
"Yeah, we're fine. You want to tell me what's going on? Or do we need to have a repeat of when you came back from Australia?" Rin chuckles softly, pulling at his hair again, trying to ground himself.
"Are you gonna be pissed if I tell you I've been back in Japan for a few months...?" Rin swallows, mentally preparing himself for some kind of tongue lashing. But it never comes, just a sigh followed by a soft laugh.
"No, because I know you and I don't ask questions anymore." Rin tries to match her laugh, but it comes off stale. So she continues pressing him gently. "Have you been staying with Haruka, or...?" Rin swallows, dragging his hand down to press his heel against his eye.
"No. Another friend. My old roommate from Samezuka, ah not...Sou. Haru and I sorta got into it a while back. So I was just avoiding everyone." It feels so guilty to admit he pushed people away just because of a falling out with one person. Someone he had fallen out with so many times over the years. He can hear the smile on his mom's face through the phone.
"I'm sure you had your reasons."
And oh, how Rin hates that. His mom giving him such an easy pass, when he doesn't deserve it. He feels his eyes sting, and for the umpteenth time today, his eyes begin to leak. Fuck, his head hurts. Miyako can clearly hear her son crying over the phone, but lets it happen, just whispering some gentle reassurances as it does.
"You've always excelled at pushing us away when something's wrong. Is it just Haruka? Or something else going on?" And Rin doesn't know how to answer. He spares a glance over at the door, before miserably fessing up.
"...my friend and I. Got into it too. I really hurt his feelings." The last thing Rin wants to do is to admit to his own mother how much of a slut he is, because oh isn't that at the forefront of his mind right now. But because she is intuitive, she just sighs, a small laugh following.
"Honey, you've got to control yourself or you won't have any friends left." Rin bristles, but she covers it it with a small noise, one she always reassured him with as a child. "...I hope the two of you can work things out. No matter what happened. We're rooting for you." And Rin fucking loses it, choking and sobbing against his phone for a few moments. Miyako just giving her son the space to do so. When he's finally able to get a hold of himself, he wipes his face with the back of his hand, muttering some small thanks over the line. It sounds like she's crying a little too.
"Don't be a stranger, okay? Maybe come home for a little while soon? I'm sure training camps are going to be coming up but..." Rin nods, knowing she can't see him do so but maybe she can understand.
"Yeah...thanks Mom. I will."
They exchange a few more words, before saying their goodbyes and Rin puts his phone back on the counter, trying to take in a few, shuddering breaths.
no subject
Date: 2025-08-06 01:52 pm (UTC)In general Ai tried to stay in good contact with his parents; they were extremely busy people, but often at least tried to make time for him on the important things. Unable to escape their work responsibilities to come to Tokyo, Ai knew this call would be somewhat lengthy as they both asked for all the details. And he's of course happy to oblige; he's blessed to be able to say he and his parents are on very good terms. Even the times they don't know everything, it is almost as if that which is left unsaid isn't important. The perks of being an only child and Beloved First Son, he guesses.
Ai immediately wishes he'd caught them at a time where mom was still at work or vice versa, because they talk over each other near-constantly, making it impossible for Ai to get a word in edge-wise, let alone decipher the questions they're asking. Apparently Mikhail did text Ai's mother immediately after his qualifying heat, and his father brags about having bullied his coworkers into changing the station on their office TV in order to catch it live.
Who could have thought you could be so strong? he says. Ai blinks at his phone. It's partially his fault for leaving them in the dark, if he's honest; had been too embarrassed to reach out to his professional swimming uncle because he didn't feel proud of himself yet. Never told his parents his accolades from Samezuka because he didn't feel they were worthy enough of celebration yet. It only stands to reason they barely knew what he was capable of, and would be surprised he could accomplish something worthwhile after all.
"There were more people than just me in the lane is why." And speaking of important people who have changed his life-- Ai begins to apologize profusely for taking up their time, and his father is apologizing profusely back, and his mother is giving him all the wonderfully maternal if uninformed platitudes in the world at rapid speed, like don't overdo it! and please remember to eat three square meals a day! and I'll send you the nice beef from the market if you want it and nothing worth doing is ever easy, so please keep trying your best, Aiichirou! and say, honey, is your neck alright?--
Ai abruptly ends the call and throws the front door open, expression stuck mid-panic.
He isn't surprised to see the state Rin is in, only how quickly its onset had been. Ai hurriedly closes the door and toes off his shoes, pocketing his phone at record speed.
"Senpai?" he asks, like a moron, as if all the reasons Rin could be crying weren't painfully obvious. Ai approaches him, as if all his trepidation and complicated sentiment had been washed over by an instinct and habit four years under the whetting stone. Pauses when he sees the bowl of curry Rin's set out for him. Feels a small warmth bloom in his chest - and tries to fight off a small laugh at the mental image of Rin preparing this food through tears.
"That was kind of you, thank you." Whatever questions he had been about to bombard Rin with are waylaid; Ai enters the kitchen to scope out for a curry spoon, he knows he has one somewhere. Looks back to Rin as he does, "My parents both asked how you were doing, by the way. Dad especially seemed really impressed with your times today." The qualifying ones, but Aiichirou chooses not to specify the obvious. "They're both taken with you, it's sweet. I sometimes have to wonder who they're actually rooting for." The smile Ai flashes is genuine, if small. He knows he's historically been cagey about details of his home life (for no reason other than not thinking Rin would care very much) but it's present front of mind, and yet another way he can delay the inevitable. And so his mouth, it runs.
no subject
Date: 2025-08-07 12:35 am (UTC)Maybe it gives off the appearance of mania, or maybe it's just some far gone comfort slowly settling back into the fray. Rin doesn't know, and Rin doesn't care. All he knows is he is trying to take in Ai's kind words relayed from his parents. They are too kind, truly. It's an obvious ploy to get him to stop whatever post wailing breathing exercises he was self participating in. But Rin finally swallows down the laughter, wiping his cheek with the back of his hand.
"They better be rooting for you. You're going to kill it." Rin smirks halfheartedly, pushing Ai's bowl towards him. "Might need to heat it back up, sorry. Was talking to Mom, and kind of got distracted." Those words really should say it all. Talking to Mom, because if Rin is on the phone with her one of two things happens.
One, he cries. Point blank.
Two, he fusses until he eventually hangs up and she's the one laughing herself to tears on the other end. It's a good equivalent exchange between them, a mutual understanding.
Rin tries shoving a spoonful of his own lukewarm food back into his mouth. It feels like swallowing a ball of sand, but he tries to force it down. Ai's parents are right about one thing, and that's staying in form for whatever is to come. Rin spares a glance over at Ai, sighing as a drop of curry splashes back into the bowl and he lets the spoon settle back in there for a bit.
"Your folks doing good though?" Offering Ai that room to run his mouth, be as uncagey as he wants with the details. Rin always liked it when Ai shared about his dog, after that first night back. It felt like a glimpse into a person he knew so little about at the end of the day.
no subject
Date: 2025-08-07 12:52 am (UTC)It's why Rin didn't know about Mikhail's relation until Ai himself had climbed to a level to deem himself worthy of being related to someone who swam better than him. It's why he didn't deign to know Rin's friends any deeper until Sousuke proved to Ai that he was enough on his own, without the need of being someone else's shadow. All in time. Talking about his parents and his home life was just another facet of it all.
He finally finds his curry spoon and brings the bowl on top of the half-wall partition that separates the kitchen from the living space, standing up and using it as a makeshift table. After the amount of energy he's burned today, unlike Rin, Ai is happy to eat it all.
"It's fine like this," he intones, clearly more intent on shoveling food down his gullet than wasting another two seconds getting it a couple degrees warmer. Swallows around a bite and tells himself to slow down unless he wants to make himself sick, "How's Matsuoka-san doing? I'd thought of seeking out her and your sister before we left, but I didn't want to impose." Funny how he'd been so intimidated at the idea of meeting her, and when he finally had the shot, so many other things just-- overshadowed it. Ai wonders passively if he's left a good impression or not.
It's Ai's turn to stifle a laugh, watching Rin putz his food around like a picky kid. Not that he was, Ai knew him to have a good appetite and palate - still, it elicited that same familiarity in his chest. Maybe things can be alright after all.
He nods his head, "They're great. Just very busy, neither could make it out here to watch in person." Then laughs in that airy way of his, and bats the air in front of his face as if to get rid of something, "It's a little embarrassing how much they ask about you. Well, it makes sense, they know you're a phenomenal swimmer." Rin might remember Ai's parents from at least a few Regional competitions; he was a spitting image of his mother, and has seemingly inherited all the worst possible personality traits from both parents. His mother's tenacity, his father's affability.
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Date: 2025-08-07 03:28 am (UTC)It's not a lie. Rin is sure that she is worried right and left about him, even after being reassured on the phone that he is fine beyond being the baby he always is when they talk. But it's not the entire truth either. He watches Ai leave the kitchen, and shovel down food at a rate he doesn't think he's ever seen from his friend before. He laughs, pushing his own bowl to the side. It won't stay down if he eats much more anyways.
"Sounds like they watched you still?" Rin ventures a little farther, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly at the praise. It's equally nothing new, but hearing it from the whole family makes his skin prickle a little. He doesn't deserve it, not after today. Not after the kind of shit he's pulled on their son recently. Would they be so pleasant if they knew the truth?
He shoves the thought away, leaning his chin on his hand. It's easy to fall back into whatever routine they had before Rin dragged everything through the mud. But there's still some looming things that need to be said. But they both appear desperate enough to cast those things aside, and so Rin continues to brush it aside. Ai is too, so really he's not solely responsible at least. Rin tries to settle on another topic instead.
"Truth or dare?"
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Date: 2025-08-07 03:57 am (UTC)"Dad I guess has a television in his office, and mom was watching it from her hotel room." Ai doesn't want to think about the insane logistics that must go into broadcasting sporting events, and is only mildly surprised to think his heat was not only filmed, but his victory thereafter. Ai only remembers now that he screamed. It causes him to flush a little, suddenly shoving his chin and mouth into and behind the palm of his hand.
And then Rin chimes in. Ai doesn't mean to hit him with a really? by way of eyebrows raised to his hairline and eyes otherwise dead on arrival, but. Ai for his part can't tell how much of it is Rin being cheeky versus trying to toe the line of the stuff Ai wishes he could instead throw out the window. He weighs his options sincerely; it's more likely Rin might ask something sensitive, so Ai figures his response is an obvious one.
"Dare." Despite his reservations, he pouts. "I thought we finished in the car."
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Date: 2025-08-07 04:21 am (UTC)Rin smiles softly, tracing the edge of his bowl with one finger. It's not quite a sad smile, but it's not very happy either. Weighted more than anything else. Well, he'll be kind enough. There's not enough money in the world that could make him be cruel again to Ai. Not intentionally, at the very least.
"Okay. Dare, huh." Rin reiterates, tilting his head a little where it rests on his hand.
"I dare you to tell me the last time you talked to Haru. Alone." It's an open ended question. One that is open for interpretation. Ai could lie and say it was at Samezuka all those years ago. But Rin had some inkling that they spoke. Haru went from cold and hands off after whatever he was staring at with Ai and Rin's neck to kind and even touching Rin.
But Rin quickly tacks on.
"But you can tell me to piss off too, and ask something else. I'm not gonna force anything out of you. Especially after everything else I've done." His tone is still gentle, trying to be understanding. So it doesn't spiral into whatever the last time they tried to have a "talk" was.
"Your call, dude."
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Date: 2025-08-07 04:42 am (UTC)His hands press up the length of his face and into his hair and back down his neck, hands uncomfortably clasped on either side of his nape, elbows on the countertop. It is clearly evident he doesn't want to have this conversation, but... He, too, knows he could lie. Or tell Rin to shove it. Ai has the authority to choose myriad ways of getting out of it, prime among them telling Rin to move out. Then this would all be permanently behind them, surely. But he knows it isn't the responsible answer; it doesn't accomplish much other than cowardice.
Prematurely anticipating dredging up the remnants of fresh memories he had just forgotten for all of two minutes, Ai relents.
"Right before my qualifier," comes his stable answer. His eyes are even on Rin, even if Ai wants to look anywhere but. But he has some amount of internal need for Rin to understand all that had transpired and all that he does and says now are only in good faith, despite everything. "We bumped into each other out in the hallway."
His fingers curl against his nape. Rin didn't ask for more than that, but Ai knows it's his onus to deliver, so he might as well.
"I saw the way he was looking at me... At us. I couldn't stand it anymore. And I only told him two things." Ai shrugs. Resigned. "That what he thinks happened between us isn't important. And that if he reached out to you, he wouldn't regret it. Those were my exact words."
He leaves out the deeper parts. How he saw an opportunity to drive a nail into his own foot but chose it anyway because it was the right thing to do. Or in the flowery language he used with Sousuke, I'll never be the reason Rin-senpai's smile goes away. Absolutely never. For the better; following his words, Ai's brain immediately kicks into overdrive, trying to preemptively guard against whatever possible reaction Rin might have. Anger that Ai spoke on his behalf? Justified. Upset that Ai meddled? Justified. Horrified Ai would bother with such a thing minutes before his heat? Justified. All at once, the remaining food in his bowl is wholly unappetizing.
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Date: 2025-08-07 03:18 pm (UTC)His shoulders sag a little, as he sighs.
Rin pulls the hand from his chin, pinching the bridge of his nose. All before he stalks off to stand near Ai. He gives him a look, the expression on his face not quite clear. And then Rin leans down, and flicks Ai right in the forehead.
"That's for lying to him, and saying it wasn't important."
Rin's tone is slightly rigid, but far from exasperated or angry. Maybe just the tiniest tone of annoyed. He pulls himself back again, stuffing one hand into his pocket with a huff.
"You've got to get better about what people think. Especially what people think about me. I'm an adult who makes shit choices sometimes. But they're my decisions. The only thing about any of that that sucks is... is how much I hurt your feelings."
Sure, Rin's grateful Haru closed that distance. The one both of them had put up together. But seeing Ai gut himself over it isn't great either.
"So... I'm sorry."
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Date: 2025-08-07 03:37 pm (UTC)"But it wasn't." His eyebrows lower. "Not in a way that mattered, and not in a way that mattered specifically to Nanase-san." Ai really doesn't want to spell it out: what they did was purely carnal. For Rin it served a purpose. Ai learned the hard way only after the fact that room for it to serve something deeper, something important was a gross miscalculation on his part. For him to sit here and have Rin try to tell him that's wrong nearly has Ai indignant and beside himself.
But he relents. Even if he still disagrees with what's coming out of Rin's mouth, but Ai can put technicalities aside long enough to recognize Rin's trying to dig at something broader.
"It's okay." He means it, even if he doesn't feel it. Ai knows with time that'll come. Still, he shakes his head, and leans on the partition with his elbows, no longer feeling a need to so directly confront Rin anymore, "But you're underestimating me, Rin-senpai. Whatever Nanase-san or anyone else thinks of you isn't my business, and what they think of me I can fix with time." His voice grows just a little smaller.
"I had an opportunity to help, and I took it. That's all." He shifts his weight some, turning his cheek away from Rin; seems he's hit his quota for his backbone. "And I'd do it again, a thousand times over. Because I saw and felt firsthand exactly what it was doing to you."
He takes in a breath.
"You can be upset at me for interfering. Unfortunately, on this one, I'm not going to apologize."
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Date: 2025-08-07 03:56 pm (UTC)At least Ai (maybe? somewhat?) accepts his apology, affirming it's okay even if Rin still feels like garbage over it. He'll keep professing it probably until the day he dies, or the day Ai is so sick of hearing it he blocks him out entirely. Who's to say which would come first? It just makes him feel worse the more Ai's voice shrinks as his words carry on.
But then again, he should feel like shit for it. If he'd known what he did, he never would have--
It's Rin's turn to try to make himself small. His arms fold on the counter, and he presses his face against them. His brows are twisted, his mouth the same though graciously hidden by his arms. He's not mad at Ai, far from it. Conversation sucks, all of this does. And it's Rin's fault they have to do any of it to begin with, so he might as well face the music. At least he's keeping himself tempered this time, not exploding at someone who definitely doesn't deserve it.
"...and what exactly was it doing?" Rin mutters into his arm, glaring at one of the bowls at the counter. Before immediately skipping right into the next topic.
"Not asking for an apology. It's my fault anyways. I'm the one who's sorry for all of this to begin with. I spun out and dragged you and Sousuke down and I'm sorry."
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Date: 2025-08-07 04:23 pm (UTC)He can almost feel it, the way a shadow creeps between the both of them and begins to build upward, brick by brick. The longer it spans on, the more Ai tries to shield himself, the taller the wall gets. He so badly doesn't want to talk about it anymore - doesn't want to seem as if he's rubbing Rin's nose in it, doesn't want to keep reminding himself he's third best. All the deprecating truths that were already on repeat in his head like a horrible chorus. But for Rin's sake, he articulates it one last time, voice even and calm if a bit distant, matching Rin's suddenly solemn energy.
"You pulled away." Ai grips his arms, leans to one side some. "I had my suspicions when you first arrived, and that night," that night, "I had them confirmed. You hadn't isolated that badly since we'd first met."
His tongue feels thick like molasses; he has to take a second to swallow it down, loosen it up enough to get the god damn words out.
"I knew it wasn't good when you lashed out. And I had a sense of exactly how bad it was when we touched." His eyes slip closed, eyebrows knit together. "... And I knew why when I couldn't tell whose name you were calling."
Ai hates how quickly and immediately it makes his eyes prick; stubbornly, he presses a knuckle to his duct, staying them for now. "I did everything. I gave all of me. And yet still, Nanase-san accomplished in minutes what I'd tried to do for weeks.
"He brought your smile back.
"... So that's why." Ai sits up and off the countertop, back to Rin. His shame, his uselessness hangs over him like a fog. His voice suddenly booms, stubborn and pivoting hard in an obvious attempt to outrun those feelings, "And no, I don't regret it. Not one part of it. And I take you exactly as you are, Rin-senpai. You didn't scare me four years ago, you didn't last month, and you don't now. Every single part of you is part of someone who,"
He has to pause to take a deeeep breath.
"-- Who I consider one of my best friends. It's what friends do."
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Date: 2025-08-08 02:42 am (UTC)Messy realizations curdling into an agonizing truth. That you can apologize a thousand times, and it won't make things better. You can wistfully hope that you could go back in time, make it so things never happened. But it's cruel to hope for things that can't ever happen.
Rin bites his lip, his gaze twisting towards the countertop. Because he can't deny the truth in Ai's words. He pulled away, from everything. His friends, his family, himself. His hand drops to his side, fist curling. But not out of anger, or wanting to hit something. Just the sheer, dizzying anguish of what he's done, the things he's drudged up for Ai and the pain he's caused countless people in the fallout.
He brought your smile back.
It would be so easy for Rin to argue that Haru was the one to take it away in the first place. But wouldn't that be a lie? Rin was the one who went to Australia, Rin was the one who didn't fight harder... For the thousandth time today, Rin's tears slip out, dribbling onto the countertop.
A split second decision, a selfishly fueled one, caused all of this. If Rin had just taken his space and left, if Rin had just not done everything he'd done... would Ai be hurting the same way? Would Sousuke? Would Rin be living in ignorant bliss of his friend's feelings towards him, casually draping himself over them and playfully flirting like he'd always done before?
"I..." He doesn't finish the sentence.
It's what friends do.
It would be cruel to try to touch Ai right now, hug him, or squeeze his wrist. Ai's back is turned to him, and Rin doesn't try to push the matter. No turn around damnits or any other demands. Just the soft drip of tears, and sniffles echoing in the kitchen.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
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Date: 2025-08-08 03:19 am (UTC)He wore his heart on his sleeve, often not caring how much or how little his friends watched him cry. But he couldn't in front of Sousuke earlier, because knowing he'd see that reflected back at him if Sousuke saw the extent of it had Ai turning his back for Sousuke's sake. And it was the same now, not wanting his countenance to betray the words he so badly needs Rin to hear, and to understand, and to know are true. I don't regret any of it. You don't scare me. It's what friends do.
But the shame is what has him standing like that in a prolonged silence even after Rin professes his grief for the seventeenth time in as many chimes. Because all of this would have been so much easier, so much less messy if Ai could have just stayed in his lane.
Furiously, Ai wipes at his face. He may not have Haruka's magic, or hold the weight to be able to make Rin's day brighter by just existing, but the least Ai could do was try and not let this day end on such a depressing note. So it's in spite of his face being reddened and tear-stained that he turns back around, pushing against his eye with his palm one last time, and doing his god damned best to croak a smile up from anywhere he can think to make it organic. Thinks of the way Rin smiled when among all of his friends. Of his cheer when he won his first qualifier. Of the car ride.
"It's okay," he repeats, with that same gentle, unconditional knowing. It wasn't really Ai's modus to be the one to bridge physical contact, but he knows how Rin communicates, and he's still human, and the wall between them is cold. He leans forward, enough to be able to touch and squeeze Rin's wrist, as if to try and bring him back to reality. That, and maybe silently affirm that Ai meant what he had said days ago: please don't treat me any differently.
"It's no good to worry about the things we can't change." Forces his smile brighter, tries to make his sniff quiet. "Rin-senpai, you cleared two qualifiers. You're a shoe-in for the Olympic team." He really doesn't have the energy or capacity to force himself to be jovial, but he still does it anyway. It's all he knows: endure. "Even I," and despite the rest of him, Ai still has to shake his head in disbelief, "Someone like me could manage it, too. We've got a lot of hard work cut out ahead of us, but."
So much more he wants to say, in vain or otherwise. But his throat constricts tightly and his bottom lip begins losing its composure-- so he turns his back again. And groans, clearly frustrated with himself.
"I'll have to quit my job," comes a muddied, wet laugh.
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Date: 2025-08-09 11:58 pm (UTC)It seems like such a distant memory now. The fresh rawness of everything else tumbling down around them. Ai's fingers tight around his wrist. Rin almost jerks away, rebuttals that he doesn't deserve the kindness surrounding the gesture. His throat feels hot, his face hurts as it screws up, trying to fight it all down.
"Right." He manages to spit out, using his free hand to scrub his face dry, or at least make a pathetic attempt towards it. "You worked your ass off too. It's going to be hard." He's just trying to chug along through this conversation, ignoring the tremors he can feel traveling up his arm. Whether they're from him or Ai, he can't say for certain.
It's so easy to say don't focus on the obvious. It's harder still to actually follow through. The elephant in the room glowering, ever present, but they're tip toeing around it like it never existed to begin with. He tries to utter sympathetic words for Ai having to quit his job. He thinks Ai likes it well enough at least, the times he's seen him there.
"That's shit." His voice feels hollow, trying to keep his voice level. "...do you think they'll let you come back after this is all over?" Even though there's no real timeline. There's qualifying matches all over the world, training camps, olympics themselves, it's a fast paced lifestyle. Rin is sure he doesn't even begin to grasp it quite yet.
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Date: 2025-08-10 12:17 am (UTC)For the second time he turns around, and unlike before actually does seem a bit calmed down. He will become a professional at ignoring that elephant, god damnit. Ai will be the one to ride it back out into the wilderness and get it out of the room. He will tamp it all down, drywall and spackle and buff and paint it all-- because a minute ago, it was just him and his hurt. But now?
Yeah. The Olympic team. It was more than just Rin, and more still than Haruka. If Ai didn't get his shit together, he risked complicating things for at least four people. The only clear option was to try and get over himself, in whatever ways possible.
It started here. If Rin thinks he can get Ai to expose himself a third time, he's a fool. This time, I absolutely won't fail.
"I don't know if I'd want to," he answers honestly, voice still a bit wet but his cadence is even. Leans against the wall a little; just standing there in front of Rin was a bit awkward, and Ai was now so full of pent-up emotional energy it manifested in his body needing somewhere to go or something to do. "I want to see how far into this world I can bring myself."
-- but there's still that little nag. An instinct of his he can't conveniently kill. Ai looks through wet eyelashes at Rin, eyebrows knit in that sympathetic way of his. His voice that familiar tone - calm, and pointed, and aggravatingly selfless.
"Are you going to be alright, senpai?"
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Date: 2025-08-11 02:44 am (UTC)Rin tries to force his breathing to even out, for Ai's sake. Definitely not for his own.
"You will." His voice is stern, startling even himself as he forces himself to look at Ai best he can. Blinking away the tears furiously rubbing at the wet marks trailing down his cheeks. He smiles, twisting his hand in such a way to squeeze his fingers over Ai's. Trying to return that gentle reassurance in anyway he can, without being overtly affectionate. Ai may have said don't treat me differently but Rin will still overthink it everytime.
After all, he knows the feeling well.
"If there's anyone who's fucking stamina can make it in the big leagues, it's yours. One hundred percent." Rin smirks halfheartedly, letting the contact cease and pulling himself back a little bit. He needs something to do, so he gathers his own bowl up, tossing out the remains and begins handwashing it in the sink, enjoy the flood of warm water (maybe too hot) singing his skin. A small reprieve. A small feeling of something other than whatever this awkward string he's weaved is.
"Yeah. I'll be alright." He flashes a soft smile at Ai. "I will be."
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Date: 2025-08-11 03:09 am (UTC)That's kind of you to say. [Rin's absconded to the sink, and Ai needs to clean up his bowl too, so he starts doing exactly that, scraping the small bit of food he couldn't finish into the garbage and waiting for Rin to free up at the sink to do the same,] Maybe next time I can try for the IM. It wasn't in the cards this year.
It's something else to look forward to and work toward. Ai's realized that much today, and especially tonight: if he doesn't broaden his network and his purview, he's in trouble. If he doesn't, he has the potential to compromise Rin, too. That he simply wouldn't be able to forgive himself over.
Rin's reassurance lands, and Ai's smile grows a little. He believes Rin in that he'll be alright; he has to. In the same way Rin has to blindly trust Ai will be alright, too. What eats at Ai is the thought of his place in Rin's life effectively being inverted. Having once been the solver, but now the problem. And who is out there to salve over Rin's wounds this time? To help him be alright?
There is still so much more to say, or to ask. None of it relevant to the actual milestones of the evening. Ai wonders how much of it even matters; if a month, a year from now he or the both of them will look back on this evening in their kitchen and look at their past selves with some level of embarrassment and disdain. Is it worth solving if it was worth breaking?
But that's my fault. So it's on me to do something about it.
He waits for access to the sink, and rather unceremoniously mumbles,] I think I'll take a shower and turn in early.
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Date: 2025-08-11 02:26 pm (UTC)[rin finishing cleaning his own bowl, gesturing to ai to hand it to him so he can do the same. might as well since he's here. he thinks, with a little jealous, about how haru was always going on and on about only swimming free. and then decided to just hop in and do the individual medley to swim with ikuya again. maybe that stings a little that haru swam butterfly for someone else first but--
eh. details]
Yeah. Go for it.
[rin grabs at ai's bowl this time, to clean it, turning the scalding water down a bit to spare ai some hot water. after such a long, messy day? he needs it. rin will get there eventually. maybe in the middle of the night. maybe he'll go out for a run first. no, scratch that. bad idea. leg, right. he shakes his head, nodding in ai's direction]
I think you need that after today.
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Date: 2025-08-11 02:43 pm (UTC)It pushes you to your limit... That's how I feel, anyway. I have a strong start, but I feel I could be doing something better with my energy. For someone like me, the IM is a good fit. [He remembers their first year, feeling so down on himself that he couldn't qualify for the IM or for breast, meanwhile Rin who had accolades to spare kneecapped himself to only the free 100m. At the time, Ai didn't get it-- at the time he was jealous, frustrated even. Now--
Now he supposes, in hindsight, not much has really changed. Only the reasons whyfor.
He's keen not to let his thoughts spiral for a tenth time tonight, so leans away from the counter and begins shuffling his feet toward the shower room.]
We both do. [Doesn't even want to touch whatever the hell might be going through Rin's head with a ten foot pole, and shocking even himself, Ai is too tired to try. He rounds the corner to the shower room door,] I'll leave you some hot water, [and disappears inside.
Clothes off, water frigid ice cold. He didn't need to punish himself anymore - what he needed was a wakeup call. He spends the first ten minutes sobbing his heart out (quietly, politely,) the next ten committing to memory the sensation of the water pricking his skin like a thousand icy needles, and the next ten actually washing off.]
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Date: 2025-08-11 04:16 pm (UTC)he yanks his hand back, near slamming the faucet off and staring down at the red skin, before letting his gaze trail back towards the bathroom. it's all he can do to just not follow ai in there, and ask what the hell his problem is.
rin pushes his hand through his hair. deep breaths. deep breaths. he tries not to think, as he turns the sink off, that it sounds faintly like choked back somethings, because it's not his business and he can't impose. so rin does what rin does best, and just makes a cup of ai's favorite tea, setting it on the counter. he looks at it bitterly for a moment, thinking of the cup he shattered in his recklessness, wondering if it perhaps meant something to ai or was just another thing. rin bites his lip.
no. there's no such thing as just another thing, and he thinks dimly like he treated ai like that during that heated moment.
ai wants his space. so rin gives it to him. he glances back at his jacket, temptation flooding him to just get out, leave. go run until his heart is slamming so hard against his chest it feels like there's something there beyond whatever dull ache is throbbing. but he knows that's reckless and stupid, so he forces himself to sit on the couch, grab whatever book is closest to him (poems of the goat ugh. it works) and try forcing his nose between the pages.
it does little to dull the throbbing ache. he smacks his forehead with the book a few times. come on rin fucking matsuoka. don't tank. you're going to the olympics it's all you ever wanted. who cares about everyone else? and oh he hates that little inner voice that pops up every now and again. the one that plagued him first year, and all those years in australia as a kid. the one that said to push everyone away.
he grits his teeth, digging the book into his face a little harder]
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