[Once upon a time, he could even be described as prudish. Rin had been touchy with him, not the other way around; Ai was always too polite and until only recently too self-deprecating to assume he had the footing to justify ever being that physical with any singular one of his friends, least of all Rin. Unlike Haruka, he might also be described as touch-starved, though that is a pit Ai is not touching with a ten foot pole, and certainly not unpacking on this bus.
Nor is he going to contend with the objective fact that Haruka is, in fact, the team favourite. Their golden goose; fastest qualifying times and two-time competitor. The face of billboards and sports magazines around the globe. It is a good thing Ai's wherewithal is well beyond the bounds of broken; he doesn't have it in him to even try and be upset about how much work he feels he has to put in to attain even an ounce of what seems to come so naturally to Haruka. Ai anticipates a lot of late nights in his immediate future. It's more productive, he thinks, to remind himself they both are on the same team. Whatever he's capable of, surely I am, too.
All thoughts halted at the prospect of Rin writing to his family; Ai had thoughts to do the same. He turns to face Rin with a rueful smile at the prospect of socializing, though.]
We'll see. It's probably best that I integrate with the team as much as I can... I feel I don't see many other newcomers. [Were you this nervous last year? He can't even bring himself to ask. Showing weakness was always difficult for him to begin with, but to show it so brazenly to Rin now, for some reason, feels akin to heresy. As if Ai has mandated for himself that anything short of the neat mask he's decided on is no good. So rather than make it Rin's problem, he decides then and there,] If they go out tomorrow, I think I'll see if they'll let me tag along.
[rin was absolutely nervous. damn near vibrating out of his fucking skin being in such proximity with athletes he's aspired to be like for god knows how long. people who can humble his normally cocky demeanor with a single glance or word, and while yes he's on more friendly terms with some of their seniors, he's still known as the loudmouth transfer from down under who has an affinity for forgetting personal boundaries and--]
Good for you.
[he smirks, shoving ai on the shoulder, as their hotel comes into view and his gaze is pulled out towards home sweet home for the next little while]
Long as you don't think about scaring people off with your ghost stories of bodies in the river. Seriously Ai, what the hell!
[he chides him playfully, as their teammates begin to pour out of the bus, and rin adopts his very antsy less composed self. he stands up, draping himself over the seat in front of him, and looking out towards the front and back towards ai]
Alright, we all go pack in the lobby like sardines now and wait for room assignments. Then we can all fuck off and do whatever. They just don't want us plastering our faces everywhere being stupid--
[rin shoves that thought away, because he's already done that in some famously bad manner. even if they're still sitting on it for whatever reason they are]
[It's platitudes, but it's better than arguing on a bus, and anything was possible with Rin these days, so Ai will take it. He does look at Rin with a too polite to be polite smile, though, getting one last word in--]
I said corpses, Rin-senpai. Not ghosts.
[--before happily letting his eyes continue to (politely, unobtrusively) gaze out the window. Paris was sincerely something magical. A splendor and majesty that bordered Budapest in its opulence; it is as if all over again he's been transported to an entirely other world. He wonders faintly if this is how Rin felt the first time he landed in Australia. The tarmac roads turn to the more familiar city streets of the outer arrondissements, passing the Aquatic Centre in its pursuit. And once it's put in park, Ai slides out of the seat to try and give Rin some room...
... And waits. For further instruction? Some of the guys have already hopped off, but not all. When Rin chimes in, even though he cuts himself off, Ai smiles. Rueful, apologetic, sympathetic all at once. A shame, for a moment, burns hot in his gut, but for Rin's sake he doesn't let it bubble up onto his expression. He surprises himself, even, in the way he reaches out to just for a moment touch Rin's side, hand immediately escaping back to his own. We'll be fine.
He turns his head back toward the mouth of the bus; Sousuke's already gotten off, it appears both Kirishimas are on their way out. Ai begins to walk forward,]
Come on, before our legs turn to stone.
[Still keen not to corral Rin more than necessary or inject himself overmuch, Ai makes his way down the aisle, smiling politely at whomever he makes eye contact with on the way. Outside the bus and on the sidewalk, he spares a few moments to say hi to Sousuke, ask him how his ride was, before following the larger group into the hotel lobby.]
[but they're still masterfully toeing the edge of whatever hell they've dipped into time and time again. and staying away from teetering down thankfully. even if the hand on his side almost has him jerking, but he restrains himself. right. they've always slipped into things like this before. nothing's changed. even if it has. oh so painfully in so many ways. and he takes the invitation to get the hell off the shuttle, stretching luxuriously as ai pauses to talk to sousuke.
he shoulder checks his best friend, because he has to and that's just how they roll. even if sousuke gives him a sidelong glance that he doesn't feel like unpacking right now and trails after the group towards the lobby.
haru's coach and mikhail are there with miyakawa, who is looking over a clipboard with them. they excuse themselves, and she straights up looking over all of them as she begins to list off names. like rin expected, it's triple occupancy. she rattles off names. it's nothing alphabetical, so maybe they did put some consideration into things like not putting daisuke the nudist with ikuya the prude or whatever... rin casts a glance towards ikuya, kind of hoping that maybe--]
410. Nitori, Nanase and Matsuoka.
[rin was in the middle of swallowing, and it absolutely goes down the wrong tube and he coughs loudly, something stuttering in his chest. miyakawa gives him a thinly veiled look, and raises a brow]
Something to share, Matsuoka?
[rin tries to swallow down the coughs, palm splayed across his chest as he tries to catch his breath. nononononono, no absolutely fucking not this isn't happening. through a little wheeze, he manages to spit out]
Nope. Good, thanks! Sorry.
[and gives her a little bow, feeling so sour, not able to look at anyone all of a sudden while she continues to list off lodging accommodations. rin's fists are tight at his side, but they haven't been dismissed yet. so he forces himself to stay still, even if he wants to spit out how there's been a mistake--much akin to a certain one bed situation long ago]
[There's a levity in seeing Rin and Sousuke so genial with one another. Ai might even call it nostalgic; that always seemed to be the beat between them, fistbumps and shoulder checks and all. A familiarity Ai might've said he was jealous of, once upon a time.
His thoughts short circuit when he hears the two names that flank after his own.
Rin's coughing; Ai is not looking at him. He is, in fact, staring out into the middle distance, trying to contend with the way it feels every ounce of blood in his system just went cold. Miyakawa's itinerary announcements fall on deaf ears; all at once, all Ai can hear is the sound of his own breathing, and his mental voice as he tries desperately to recall how he wronged which god to invite upon himself this fate.
Be realistic, Aiichirou. How bad can it be? We're all here for the same reason. And we should only be in the room to sleep. It's impossible for anything bad to happen. If it gets too unbearable, it isn't as if you're locked in. Ah, Sousuke-senpai's looking at you-- Nanase-san is looking at you. Breathe!! It's fine! It'll be fine!
All Haruka - and Rin, should he dare look upon his former roommate - would see is a young man who has suddenly taken a very serious interest in the marble lobby floor, swallowing hard around nothing, and who is several beats too late to recognize that assignments are over, that instructions have been given for the evening, and that a morning call was set for the day after next.]
--tori... Nitori!
[Ai snaps to when he realizes their team manager has been trying to pawn off his room card. Ai takes hold of it,] Thank you, [And stares down at those damning numbers.
Well. Such is fate. He puts on his bravest face yet, with a smile that is trying so damned hard to reach his eyes, as he turns to Rin, catapulting his brain somewhere roughly five years younger in the way it tries to grasp at straws.]
This is lucky! Isn't it, senpai? Since you've roomed with Nanase-san before, too. It's good our management took that into consideration.
[it would be so easy to scream at ai--fuck, anybody--about why this is such a huge fucking deal. rin matsuoka is about ready to claw his own skin off, and even some of their teammates give him a suspicious look, as his foot taps. but he immediately cuts the crap once miyakawa comes to hand off room keys. he's not even bothering to look at ai fixated on the ground because he's too busy looking everywhere and nowhere all at once.
until his gaze lands on haru. and he just sees that easy calm, with a touch of curiousity in his gaze.
and then rin's gaze lands on sousuke and he shrivels under the intensity of it. sousuke's brow is barely raised, but there's something in those deep blues that gives everything else away and well. rin barely hears that sousuke and ikuya somehow get off with a double occupancy, and that just makes him want to die even further.
how the hell does that fucking figure. it's easy enough to beg sousuke to switch with him, but before he can entertain the thought further, he sees mikhail giving him a look and rin grits his teeth and takes his key card, stalking off towards where their bags have been unloaded from the shuttle.
his giant duffel is near the top and he goes to grab it when another hand nearly touches his own and rin practically jerks away. because he sees the stupid dolphin covered suitcase, and knows--]
Ah, sorry. My bad.
[rin waits for whenever ai decides to come get his own luggage, foot still tapping against the ground incessantly, fingers pushing through his hair over and over and over again]
[Ai is smart and is hanging back because he can tell, worse than even himself, Rin is exactly one infringement away from going ballistic. Ai can't blame him. The guilt, the shame, all of it is absolutely suffocating; the only reason he isn't crumbling, too, is because Ai decided long ago at least one of them has to try and be the bigger person. If the going gets tough, he can just cry about it outside later.
He watches as Rin awkwardly jerks his hand back when Haruka accidentally brushes against him. Ai doesn't even have it in him to conjure a reaction, just deflates a little. Waits until a few of the other guys have cleared out their suitcases before going for his own oversized duffel; Ai's able to pluck it out of the pile without much fanfare, stepping aside to make room for their teammates who have to get their stuff too. Though notably, he stands an arm and a leg away from Rin and Haruka.
He looks at Rin, an oddly serious expression on his face. Something imploring. Ai wouldn't dare loosen his tongue over the matter with others in earshot, but. In whatever way he can, he's trying to beg Rin to just have a little trust. If Ai can, Rin can too. Right? If one simply ignores how Ai's gripping the strap of his duffel white-knuckled so as not to reveal his shaking hands, then he can't be a hypocrite.]
Come on, before the elevators are swamped. [Ai shuffles with alacrity toward said architecture, calling an elevator down with the button, and as soon as the door is open, he holds its mouth open so that Haruka and Rin can do the same.]
[he knows, can feel ai's gaze drift towards him. it pins him in place. even more than that other pair of blue eyes he can't even meet. all he can think of is that stupid, fucking parking garage and their hands touching and foreheads pressed together and all those stupid words. only made worse by the fact that everything else has piled up so disgustingly so since then.
it's not ai's fault. and rin shouldn't treat him as such. and he doesn't! it's just hard to pinpoint where all his emotions are going when he's stuck inbetween a literal rock and a hard place. rin notices the intensity in which ai is clutching his bag, and feels that fresh, hot wave of guilt washing over him. for so many reasons. haru nods at ai, and starts heading off to the elevator, but rin hangs back for a moment, casting a pleading glance at his friend.
and mouths a little i'm sorry before ai beats the both of them towards the elevator altogether. all the energy he had before completely sapped dry from him. never in a million years did he expect this room assignment. but it's here, and they can fucking deal with it. rin wonders how much money he would have to tuck into the team manager's pocket to let him sleep in a fucking supply closet instead. not like he's going to sleep in his current room anyways.
the elevator ride is tight. he hates it. the three of them are pinned in there with a few of their other teammates clambering over haru and asking him all sorts of questions. ones he answers quietly, casting a glance over at rin every now and again. one that rin just shrinks from, and makes him grip his bag tighter.
it's fine. they're just here to sleep. so much of their time is going to be spent in the pool, seeing the sights the city has to offer, making connections. maybe rin can just occupy the bathtub, unless haru beats him to it]
Edited (i can't type) Date: 2025-10-20 03:23 am (UTC)
[It's for the best Ai learned his place, he thinks. On the night he begged Rin to take up space. Learned what consequences can come his way when he stands too tall. Because the entirety of the elevator ride he is comfortably in his own head, rolling over like an obedient dog, eyes stuck down to the floor. As if the gravitational pull between Rin and Haruka in close proximity naturally repelled him.
It's hard to be upset if he's asleep, he thinks, so as soon as they're let off their floor, Ai waits for a few of their other team members to make room for them to step off, and all but bee-lines down the hallway in pursuit of their room. Doesn't say a word; keeps his eyes dutifully either on the floor or on the wall. Somehow, down in the lobby, it was easy to convince himself it was no big thing. But staring down the reality of weeks stuck in this mental chasm, Ai already feels exhausted. He'll have to figure out something, otherwise he'll be eaten alive by the raw, sheer shame he feels for even existing in proximity at the same time to these two.
Jealousy is an ugly thing, he thinks. And Ai isn't categorically a jealous person. He knows he has his work cut out for him.
Ai waits for one of the two veterans to step in first, smile plastered weakly on his countenance. If Rin's dead set on being wound up from the onset, Ai has a continued duty to try and be a grounding force. So he fills the air even though none of them really want him to, himself included,]
It's bigger than I would have expected... I heard hotels in Paris were skim with their square footage. [He awkwardly flips the key card between his hands, waiting to step in and close the door.] Ah, because you're both older, it's better if you choose your beds first.
[everyone seems eager to get off the elevator for their own reasons. teammates bustling over one another to get to their accommodations and start exploring the town. rin wanting to jump out a window, and ai probably wanting the elevator to swallow him whole. and there's no way haru is oblivious to all of this right? no fucking way. the dude is as intuitive as they come, even if he's fucking quiet as hell about it half the time.
whatever.
rin is terrible at pretending like nothing is wrong, even more once their teammates disperse and they're all standing in front of the door. ai is too polite. way too polite, especially given the circumstances. rin's surprised he's not flitting off to beg for another accommodation. hell, rin is surprised he hasn't actually beat ai to it already!
ai is infuriatingly way too polite, and rin shoves his own keycard into the door slot, shouldering past the both of them because--]
I didn't get a fucking window seat, so window bed is mine!
[....that's one way to do it.
rin throws his bag onto it unceremoniously, and starts dumping his shit every which way. yes rin is normally neat and keeps his stuff in one area. but it's like he's marking his territory or something like a pissed off dog. he doesn't even notice haru taking the middle bed after casting a glance at ai with a raised brow.
no rin is not throwing a tantrum thanks. he's getting this all out of the way so he can go drown himself in the bathtub. he shoots a frazzled glance back at ai]
...don't even start telling river body stories in here!
[The vigor in Rin's voice is oddly reassuring, even if Ai knows it's put on. It's good to know Rin could be a team player and put their baggage aside for however long they'd have to be stuck in a close quartered trio, and for a moment, it breathes a small relief into Ai's chest, who is otherwise presently so tense he'd probably crack a molar or two.
But what steals the wind right back out of his sails is the way Rin spreads. How many months has it been of Ai trying to encourage Rin to do that back home? To remind him he's welcome in Ai's apartment; that he could take up more space than the four-by-six of the futon. Even worse, Ai has nowhere to pin this feeling: Haruka may be present, but Ai understands that to be a stressor in his own right. It isn't as if Rin was excited at the prospect of staying in a hotel for the sake of it.
So it's me. It's the only logical conclusion he can reach, another shallow cut to add to the thousands he's sure to endure over the course of this training camp. Haruka looking at him so suddenly and pointedly is what breaks Ai from his unfortunately negative rumination, shutting the door and ushering himself in; his bed is closest to the door, and furthest from Rin. Inadvertently a blessing; if Ai felt he needed to leave, he could do so quietly without causing much ruckus. To Haruka's awry glance, Ai only offers a mildly confused simper.
In stark contrast to Rin, Ai places his suitcase at the foot of his bed and unzips it quietly, slowly beginning to sort through his things. It looks like Rin has his own dresser flush to the wall of the room, but between Haruka and Ai's beds, there is only one. Ai didn't mind keeping most of his things in his case; he pulls out a set of pyjamas and a set of morning clothes. Pyjamas on the bed, morning clothes tossed over the back of the room's couch.]
I think I terrorized Nanase-san enough on the plane ride, he doesn't need more of that from me. [Ai sits on his bed and collapses backward, back resting down on the mattress. He takes in a deeeeep breath, and exhales it sloooowly through his nose. One might mistake it for enjoying the plush comfort of a hotel bed; in reality, he's trying to release all the damn tension in his body.] The bath is connected with the toilet, right? That's one of the things I miss from home... [Laying down, Ai rubs at his hair.] We'll probably need to decide shower times so we're not keeping each other waiting.
[haru beelines it for the fucking tub before rin can even open his mouth.
some things never change apparently!!!
rin grits his teeth, and begins shrugging off his team jacket and his shirt. all while fumbling through his duffel and whatever pile he's managed to concoct next to him for his signature tank top. if he's going to be stuck in the most uncomfortable situation known to man, he's going to do it in the most comfortable thing he owns. without even sparing a glance back at ai, and taking the whole treat me like normal thing way too literally apparently after just a few weeks prior having ai's dick down his throat-- rin also shucks off his pants and pulls on a pair of his running shorts, trying so desperately to not give in to temptation and mutter this and that over their current lodging.
but well, at least haru's given them the floor for at least thirty minutes. or if he's all nice and awkwardly considerate, that could be even shorter. hopefully in haru's rehab, he didn't grow too much of a conscious and rin can avoid the awkward for as long as possible. he rubs the back of his head, trying to figure out where to put all his stuff that makes the most sense]
You can get the next one.
[...rin offers, even though he wants a shower so SO bad right now. but that's the gentleman's thing to do right? or whatever good friends do!]
Not sure I can even stand up long enough to take one right now anyways.
[Finished organizing his things for now and keen to take up as little space as he can, Ai forces himself to shift up on the bed properly, sitting with his back to the headboard, pillow tucked near his lower back. He immediately pulls out his phone, and instinctively scrolls to he and Sousuke's text log. Ai knows he has an out, someone who wouldn't think twice about saying yes to a room switch. Or to commiserating somewhere together under Parisian street lights.
But he just can't do it. Not now, knowing the weight Sousuke carries. Ai worries his bottom lip, tabs out from his texts, and instead goes into his photo roll to look idly at shots he's snapped from over the duration of their travel...
... Trying so very, very hard to keep Rin out of his periphery. Because Ai's noticed the way Rin's assumed normalcy again, and so Ai can cue in. Not that he'd stare anyway, but... Something about this hotel room truly felt like the walls were slowly closing in on him. It was either that, or the way it seemed suddenly as if Rin can't even look at him since entering.
He waits far too generous a length of time until he's certain Rin is clothed to turn to address him, shaking his head gently.]
But you really wanted to wash off, didn't you? It's best if you go first, I can wait. [Besides, Ai isn't afraid to use his trump card, forcing upon Rin exactly one aspect of their relationship he cannot toe in and out of at his convenience, doing so with an easy-going smile on his face,] Because you're senpai. It'd be rude if I went first.
[And then Ai purses his lips. And considers for a moment. How unreadable Rin has been since arriving, and how Haru being in the shower nets them just a few minutes alone to make their peace with the matter. It dances on the tip of his tongue, some kind of reassurance. I'm stronger than you think I am, or I know my place, or For the next two weeks, we're teammates first. For once, none coalesce past his lips. Worried saying anything might just make things worse. So he performs a miracle, and instead puts his foot in his mouth.]
[rin tosses a glare at ai, shucking his socks off somewhere and flopping onto the bed, leaving one arm raised to flip ai the bird]
I've been telling you for years to drop it, not like that's suddenly changing here.
[awkward silence commences. even though it was kind of already present before. rin's fine with silence. rin's fine with awkward silence. rin is not fine with feeling like his sheets are swallowing him whole, and the whole world is spinning on the axis funny. he tosses himself over to stare at the wall underneath the window, trying to not let himself claw out of his own skin.
ai's cued up his phone. fine! rin can do the same then. he fumbles for his phone wherever he ditched it on the pillows, and pulls it up to his peripheral, squinting at the absolute wall of unread text messages he's greeted with. his sister, his mother, fucking sousuke-- it takes everything in him to not chuck his phone at the wall. but he behaves himself, tries to fire off a few polite and short texts before shoving it back under his pillow.
and back into that awkward silence...except ai is nothing short of a saint once again, and he helps break it. rin huffs, rubbing the back of his head before he stiffly raises himself off the bed]
Yeah, because he's an inconsiderate prick.
[--and rin is marching over to the bathroom door and slams a fist against it a few times, kicking it for good measures]
I swear to fuck, better not be testing the limits of how much like a prune you can resemble in there.
[before rin begins...to stomp back to his bed and flops back onto it with a huff, crossing his arms. haru is absolutely an inconsiderate prick. does that actually fall onto rin matsuoka very much? no. but that's totally besides the point. rin grits his teeth]
Anyways! Just-- [rin drops his face a little, glancing over at the bathroom door] I'm fucking sorry, okay. I saw the look on your face.
[It's delivered with a cheeky smile he can somehow conjure the energy for, almost wanting to laugh with a sincerity that surprises himself when Rin flips him off. But, he'd remember. Even after Rin had first dragged Ai by the hands into friendship, it'd taken Rin another couple of months to get used to the new name on his lips, meanwhile Ai celebrated it immediately in private. Between himself and his journal.
Then, after a few beats of awkward yet peaceful coexistence, he watches in mild horror as Rin marches up to the poor bathroom door and begins pounding away at it, fists and voice and all.]
Senpai, don't! Let him take his time...!
[Ai's expression is scrutinizing as Rin stomps back to his bed... and flips nearly one-eighty immediately when Rin addresses him. Ai had half a mind to lie, to say what face?, except he knows. And he knows he's wearing it now, too. He places his phone screen-down in his lap, eyes trained for a moment down on the mattress before studying the bathroom door like a hawk.]
It can't be helped. And anyway, I know my place.
[He means it in such a specific and almost self-deprecating way, and he recognizes that. Ai takes in a breath, and reminds himself he isn't going to get through the next three weeks with that kind of attitude; Rin can likely see the way he pulls in a breath through his nose.]
... We're a team. More than anything, we're all working toward the same goal. I finally made it this far, so I won't let anything ruin it for me. [He finally looks at Rin, expression half split between determination and vulnerability.] Anything. So please stop feeling guilty.
[rin's expression sours a little, and he pushes himself up]
Your place?
[and oh that does light a little fire in him. something less fueled and more bitter than anything else. if he had less than a scrap of the self control he has now, it would probably turn into a similar scene like the one where porcelain smashed all over ai's pristine tile. and nothing could ever be the same from then on. but the bathroom door is a haunting reminder that well.
actions have consequences]
...what does that even mean?
[ai can ignore him left and right, but rin isn't dropping it, though he's being overly cautious of ai's privacy and keeping his voice at least a few octaves lower. rin knows damn well what it probably means, and that just makes the guilt continue to gnaw at him. two weeks of this? he might sooner go sleep under a stairwell or in the bathtub...not that all of this isn't his own fault anyways, he realizes glumly]
I'll stop feeling guilty when you stop giving me a reason to.
[Ai doesn't answer because he doesn't want to guilt Rin. If it were up to Ai, none of this would have manifested as a problem from the onset; they would have hooked up badly, and Ai would have kept his mouth shut, and Rin could leave the encounter with a guilt score of one instead of two.
Asked to clarify, he just can't. Because it'd mean speaking words he's trying so very hard to keep left unspoken, and the more cowardly part of him doesn't want to be proven right. He only stares at Rin, like an idiot, for once caught without words. Just as he's about to open his mouth, he hears the shower shut off; Ai's head whips to look at the bathroom door. His blood runs cold.
I'll stop feeling guilty when you stop giving me a reason to. Ai swallows thickly, and answers maybe just a touch too quickly,]
I've been trying.
[-- before waiting for the door to inevitably open. It isn't that easy. I try and I try but I keep coming back. Maybe Sousuke would be amenable after all...]
[and the guilt begins to sink in, the moment ai stares with that panicked gaze over at the bathroom door. and with it, rin's body visibly shrinks in turn. just another reminder of his monumental mistakes, and how misplaced and stupid his anger and frustrations are.
when he only has himself to blame]
Well try harder!
[rin's voice takes on a more desperate hitch. something in his eyes and throat feels hot as he drops his voice as low as it will go, fingers digging into the sheets. the marks of their encounter are long gone, but the scars of them remain. he knows he's being famously unfair to ai right now. none of them asked for this, and ai is only caught up in all of this because of rin anyways.
it would have probably been ten thousand times easier if ai didn't have the thoughts of rin squeezing around his cock, and fighting in the shower... he squeezes his eyes shut, trying not to tear out his own hair. because the next worst thing is ai bailing, and rin doesn't now how he can fucking handle being alone in a room with haru right now.
the garage was one thing. they weren't set up for failure like that. here? every outcome is bad. rin bites his lip, trying to pull in calming breaths to his lungs before haru makes his way through that door, trying so desperately to still keep his voice low and in check]
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-- shit, I didn't mean to say that sorry.
Ai's mind immediately goes somewhere-- far. Odd for him, who is usually so present with his feelings, with the reality of his choices. Of how much harder he has to work to accomplish a fraction of his peers; of how much more he has to invest to attain a fraction of the mind Rin gives to others. Present with his self, and all the good and bad parts of it. But for a second, all he could see were his own lips forming around syllables he would come to regret in seconds, and Rin's back as he left the shower room.
Isn't it obvious? That he's only been a tumour from the start. Even though Rin's suddenly apologizing, Ai knows it's hollow. Because Rin's right. None of this would be a problem, would be so much simpler if he'd just--]
It's fine.
[His chest chokes around a black hole, and his bottom lip threatens to give way. He chews its inside hard enough to draw blood. It's exactly as he's about to try and dismiss himself - to go find a vending machine, get water from the front desk, anything - that the bathroom door opens with a fog of steam and one Nanase Haruka. It's exactly then Ai realizes he can't just up and leave; can't commit the same sin Rin had against him. It's his only option to keep pushing his rock uphill, no matter how many times he's forced back to the bottom.
The air in the room is stifling; Ai tries to keep his face obfuscated behind his phone screen, one errant word away from crying, and he's really not in the mood to have to explain why to either parties present.]
[there's no room for them, because haru is as bad with his timing as rin is with his words and actions. it's fine. and then suddenly the room feels thick with more than just steam.
and all rin can do in response is just grit his teeth and flop back down on his bed, not giving haru or ai a second lookover. and haru obviously suspects something is transpiring, because he doesn't say anything and just goes to his own bed, putting away his travel clothes and folding the towel around his shoulders neatly. rin can hear it all happening, knows exactly what kind of routine ai and haru get into. his own downfall is knowing the two of them so deeply. because in this situation? it comes back to bite him in the ass.
there's nothing he can vocalize right now, and so he just stiffly gets up and grabs his own towel from his bag, and stalks off to the bathroom. ai had given him the space to shower first right? like hell he's backing down from that now. ai can fucking sit in there with haruka nanase-- and that's not fair]
Gonna shower.
[rin knows it's not fair. because even as he steers past ai's bed, he can see the unsung tears glistening in his eyes. and it just brings that wave of agony and guilt fresh in him. which manifests in him slamming the door behind him and turning the shower on way too hot to start out in but.
he doesn't know how else to feel something right now. so the sting of water that makes his skin match his hair will do]
In much the same way Ai couldn't have fixed Rin in his first year short of transforming into someone else, he feels pinned against the same impossible task right now. At least back then, Rin's problems had been esoteric and less specific; angry at himself, at the world, at the wall he'd hit, at the people he felt both tugged him forward and held him back. Right now? Ai is painfully, acutely aware he's the problem. It was a difficult pill to swallow, when they'd first met - even back then, feeling as if he wasn't enough. Couldn't be enough for Rin to confide in more, lean on more, trust more.
Actively sabotaging the smile he so badly wanted to protect, Ai is flat-out sick with himself.
He looks up at the ceiling. Idly traces patterns on it until he can convince himself he won't just burst into tears if he opens his mouth or dares look to his side. Ai so badly doesn't want to make a terrible situation worse, and isn't sure if acknowledging the obvious with Haruka would move the needle forward or break it. Even if Haruka hasn't roomed with Rin before, Ai is certain he has enough of a read on Rin to know what it means when he's in these moods... And the way he slammed the door is hard to miss.
Selfishly, Ai realizes, part of the reason he wants to say anything at all is for a catharsis. Just to get it off his chest, have someone listen. But he realizes in the same moment there is no audience worse for that than Haruka. So instead he does what he does best: swallows it all down, tells himself to dress his wounds as soon as he's able, and instead forces an awry, lopsided, rueful smile on his face.
Well try harder! All over again, his chest wells around nothing, and his smile pulls wider.]
Travel really brings out so many different sides of us, doesn't it? [Sorry I started it. Try as he might, Ai's courage begins to waver fast; he shifts down some so he's laying properly on the bed, and rolls over so his back is to Haruka. With his modicum of privacy, he presses his thumbs to his water ducts.] You and Rin-senpai should go with the guys to dinner. I can't think of anything better than a Parisian meal to lift spirits.
[even as stray droplets trickle down the back of his neck, haru knows he's walked into something tense. the air is stifling, and the way rin beelines it for the bathroom just solidifies that something transpired. but haru isn't nosy, and so he keeps to himself. he knows something happened between them, something that exploded and triggered a string of events. from people contacting him and ikuya and yamazaki about all sorts of different relationships, to bruises on necks and awkward encounters.
no rin hasn't talked about it. but haru doesn't feel the need to meddle in people's private lives either, even if curious question have lain fresh on his tongue from time to time.
but they've never died faster than right here in this moment.
it doesn't take a genius to see the tears nitori is swallowing down. hear the faintest tremor in his voice as he tries to shift so his face is hidden from view. haru casts a glance over his shoulder as he pulls on a pair of pajama bottoms, brows furrowing. if anything, when the room announcements were made, haru thought it would be more awkward with his rival than anything. nitori and rin live together already, don't they? do they always act like this, or...]
Everyone gets touchy when they can't sleep.
[or is it just him?
haru's seen their teammates try to rip one another's heads off a thousand times over. lack of sleep, anticipation, frustration over loss, interminglings that blow up into something way out of proportion. it's why haru tries to stay out of to the best of his ability, offering an ear if needed but... knowing his own "break ups" with a certain teammate have caused plenty of drama on the team equally. including this apparently.
well. haru sees what ai is trying to do here. and he stands there for a moment, hand in his bag. before he blinks back down at it, and pulls a small pack of sweets out that makoto had sent him with. he carefully turns the bag over between his fingertips, before turning around and reaching to let the package corner brush against the back of nitori's neck]
...I can leave now if that's easier.
[yes haru is looking forward to spending some time with rin, sure. after all the avoidance and weirdness they've been toeing around. but haru can't help but feel a tug of pity towards his junior and whatever has happened to make him turn himself so small]
I'd think you'd want to lift your own spirits though.
[He doesn't yet have the familiarity with Haruka to understand how well he can read others, likely giving Ai himself a run for his money. Two observational beasts. He had some of it with Sousuke, but Sousuke was never one to drag anything out unless it involved him. It seems Haruka, on the other hand, has reason to feel a modicum of compassion despite it not being his problem at all.
Too used to being able to shallowly bury things and watching as Rin forgets they exist. Ai realizes quickly he won't be able to hide away as quickly or easily with Haruka. It manifests as a touch on the back of his neck he assumes is a bug, so he jolts and slaps it--
Realizes he's just spiked Haruka's hand and the sweets that had been in it. Then he says that, and Ai is stuck between furiously shaking his head and trying to collect the package to hold it back to Haruka,]
Ah, sorry--! No!! No no, I didn't mean it like that at all! [The panic in Ai's voice is genuine; despite it all, despite himself, he cannot bring himself to think ill of Haruka. Ai would struggle to even say he didn't want his company; frankly, he does. Ai needs something to diffuse the tension. Selfishly, he believes Rin and Haruka being in proximity might finally kill the demons inside of himself, too. It'd be a win-win for all involved.
Haruka is compassionate, and observational, and Ai isn't ready for any of it. Despite his eyes still threatening to spill over, he shakes his head with yet another weak smile,]
I'm fine. Not that, um. [Is it better or worse if he spells all? Ai decides in that moment it's Rin's story to tell; Haruka likely wouldn't care to hear any of it from Ai. So he only shakes his head again,] I promise this won't be a problem. Really. I think I just. I must've struck a nerve.
...
This is kind, thank you, but I'm okay. [He looks down at the sweets package.] Please don't take it the wrong way. We're teammates. I look forward to working hard together.
[there's no offense taken at his hand suddenly being slapped away, the plastic tumbling down towards the bed. he's had worse from people he knows less after all. but haru just shrugs, and pulls his hand back]
Like I said. Touchy when they haven't slept.
[he could feel the tension when they were sitting together on the plane. and that still carries over now. so maybe some of haru's famous dryness can help smooth things over a bit. nitori is so formal with him. haru isn't the same as rin, so why... instead of treating haru like a teammate, treating him like his senior. and ah, well. the rest of the team is generally more polite than haru, and he stiffens remembering how natsuya had to basically force some respect out of him all those years ago...
yet, haru knows when things aren't appreciated or wanted. he dimly remembers some times he felt the way way, back in his last year of high school, back on his first year on the team... it can stack up and feel like a lot. and nitori is absolutely feeling that now. whether it's from him and rin's spat, or some other outside force haru doesn't know about]
It's not a problem.
[because it's not. haru can't possibly understand what is happening between his roommates right now. but he can at least try to mitigate it where he can. he blinks over at the bathroom door, swearing he can hear rin curse over a dropped shampoo bottle much louder than he normally would. and his gaze trickles back towards nitori instead]
...yeah. Same.
[his tone is far from dismissive. he wants them all to succeed together. in any way possible. and however he can help his friends in turn. haru stands back for a moment, looking over at the gloomy alarm clock sitting on their shared nightstand. the stretch of silence feels so much longer than in actuality]
Now wouldn't be a bad time to duck out.
[he offers with a roll of his shoulder, turning around and slowly beginning to unpack his bag. it's quiet while he takes a few things out, trying to be considerate of nitori's own belongings and the space he'll need. before haru offers as well]
...or I can tell him we need to meet Ikuya when he gets out.
[or i can leave again. haru doesn't offer verbally, but he hopes the offer is still understood silently in every form]
[Nanase-san is kind. It's the first thing that jumps out at him, how easily he can accept an apology and let water roll off his back. It sets some of Ai's raised hackles to rest; not that he didn't trust Haruka in some capacity, but not being familiar enough with him and having a latent jealousy issue he refuses to acknowledge properly has of course left him with something of a pit to fill, in terms of truths. He's happy for every wall effortlessly broken down - maybe it'll make trying harder an easier endeavour.
Nanase-san is kind, and Ai is famously bad at being forthright where it concerns including himself. He isn't sure if Haruka is inviting him to dinner, too, and can't quite understand the necessity of using Kirishima as a scapegoat. All Ai knows is he most definitely is in no state to go out like this, and that he has at least one person who would be asking questions, two if his uncle happened to catch sight of him, and the threat of that opening its maw and dragging Rin back under is enough to make Ai firmly set in his plans for the evening.
So he shoots Haruka the first genuine smile he's been able to muster since entering the room, and shakes his head a third time.]
I'm not interested in telling you how to kick off your evening, Nanase-san. But I think it's very kind and a little funny of you to offer. [Because Haruka doesn't have a damn clue. Ai is already mentally bracing himself for how much more lax Rin will probably be after returning from an evening away from him.
Ai takes in a steadying breath. Stop thinking like that.]
I'll take a shower and probably pick up something from downstairs. [I'll be okay. I promise. I'm fine.] It's no good if more than one of us is touchy for too long.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Date: 2025-10-14 10:12 pm (UTC)[Once upon a time, he could even be described as prudish. Rin had been touchy with him, not the other way around; Ai was always too polite and until only recently too self-deprecating to assume he had the footing to justify ever being that physical with any singular one of his friends, least of all Rin. Unlike Haruka, he might also be described as touch-starved, though that is a pit Ai is not touching with a ten foot pole, and certainly not unpacking on this bus.
Nor is he going to contend with the objective fact that Haruka is, in fact, the team favourite. Their golden goose; fastest qualifying times and two-time competitor. The face of billboards and sports magazines around the globe. It is a good thing Ai's wherewithal is well beyond the bounds of broken; he doesn't have it in him to even try and be upset about how much work he feels he has to put in to attain even an ounce of what seems to come so naturally to Haruka. Ai anticipates a lot of late nights in his immediate future. It's more productive, he thinks, to remind himself they both are on the same team. Whatever he's capable of, surely I am, too.
All thoughts halted at the prospect of Rin writing to his family; Ai had thoughts to do the same. He turns to face Rin with a rueful smile at the prospect of socializing, though.]
We'll see. It's probably best that I integrate with the team as much as I can... I feel I don't see many other newcomers. [Were you this nervous last year? He can't even bring himself to ask. Showing weakness was always difficult for him to begin with, but to show it so brazenly to Rin now, for some reason, feels akin to heresy. As if Ai has mandated for himself that anything short of the neat mask he's decided on is no good. So rather than make it Rin's problem, he decides then and there,] If they go out tomorrow, I think I'll see if they'll let me tag along.
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Date: 2025-10-17 11:16 pm (UTC)Good for you.
[he smirks, shoving ai on the shoulder, as their hotel comes into view and his gaze is pulled out towards home sweet home for the next little while]
Long as you don't think about scaring people off with your ghost stories of bodies in the river. Seriously Ai, what the hell!
[he chides him playfully, as their teammates begin to pour out of the bus, and rin adopts his very antsy less composed self. he stands up, draping himself over the seat in front of him, and looking out towards the front and back towards ai]
Alright, we all go pack in the lobby like sardines now and wait for room assignments. Then we can all fuck off and do whatever. They just don't want us plastering our faces everywhere being stupid--
[rin shoves that thought away, because he's already done that in some famously bad manner. even if they're still sitting on it for whatever reason they are]
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Date: 2025-10-17 11:35 pm (UTC)I said corpses, Rin-senpai. Not ghosts.
[--before happily letting his eyes continue to (politely, unobtrusively) gaze out the window. Paris was sincerely something magical. A splendor and majesty that bordered Budapest in its opulence; it is as if all over again he's been transported to an entirely other world. He wonders faintly if this is how Rin felt the first time he landed in Australia. The tarmac roads turn to the more familiar city streets of the outer arrondissements, passing the Aquatic Centre in its pursuit. And once it's put in park, Ai slides out of the seat to try and give Rin some room...
... And waits. For further instruction? Some of the guys have already hopped off, but not all. When Rin chimes in, even though he cuts himself off, Ai smiles. Rueful, apologetic, sympathetic all at once. A shame, for a moment, burns hot in his gut, but for Rin's sake he doesn't let it bubble up onto his expression. He surprises himself, even, in the way he reaches out to just for a moment touch Rin's side, hand immediately escaping back to his own. We'll be fine.
He turns his head back toward the mouth of the bus; Sousuke's already gotten off, it appears both Kirishimas are on their way out. Ai begins to walk forward,]
Come on, before our legs turn to stone.
[Still keen not to corral Rin more than necessary or inject himself overmuch, Ai makes his way down the aisle, smiling politely at whomever he makes eye contact with on the way. Outside the bus and on the sidewalk, he spares a few moments to say hi to Sousuke, ask him how his ride was, before following the larger group into the hotel lobby.]
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Date: 2025-10-18 02:51 am (UTC)You know what I mean.
[but they're still masterfully toeing the edge of whatever hell they've dipped into time and time again. and staying away from teetering down thankfully. even if the hand on his side almost has him jerking, but he restrains himself. right. they've always slipped into things like this before. nothing's changed.
even if it has. oh so painfully in so many ways. and he takes the invitation to get the hell off the shuttle, stretching luxuriously as ai pauses to talk to sousuke.he shoulder checks his best friend, because he has to and that's just how they roll. even if sousuke gives him a sidelong glance that he doesn't feel like unpacking right now and trails after the group towards the lobby.
haru's coach and mikhail are there with miyakawa, who is looking over a clipboard with them. they excuse themselves, and she straights up looking over all of them as she begins to list off names. like rin expected, it's triple occupancy. she rattles off names. it's nothing alphabetical, so maybe they did put some consideration into things like not putting daisuke the nudist with ikuya the prude or whatever... rin casts a glance towards ikuya, kind of hoping that maybe--]
410. Nitori, Nanase and Matsuoka.
[rin was in the middle of swallowing, and it absolutely goes down the wrong tube and he coughs loudly, something stuttering in his chest. miyakawa gives him a thinly veiled look, and raises a brow]
Something to share, Matsuoka?
[rin tries to swallow down the coughs, palm splayed across his chest as he tries to catch his breath. nononononono, no absolutely fucking not this isn't happening. through a little wheeze, he manages to spit out]
Nope. Good, thanks! Sorry.
[and gives her a little bow, feeling so sour, not able to look at anyone all of a sudden while she continues to list off lodging accommodations. rin's fists are tight at his side, but they haven't been dismissed yet. so he forces himself to stay still, even if he wants to spit out how there's been a mistake--much akin to a certain one bed situation long ago]
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Date: 2025-10-18 03:18 am (UTC)His thoughts short circuit when he hears the two names that flank after his own.
Rin's coughing; Ai is not looking at him. He is, in fact, staring out into the middle distance, trying to contend with the way it feels every ounce of blood in his system just went cold. Miyakawa's itinerary announcements fall on deaf ears; all at once, all Ai can hear is the sound of his own breathing, and his mental voice as he tries desperately to recall how he wronged which god to invite upon himself this fate.
Be realistic, Aiichirou. How bad can it be? We're all here for the same reason. And we should only be in the room to sleep. It's impossible for anything bad to happen. If it gets too unbearable, it isn't as if you're locked in. Ah, Sousuke-senpai's looking at you-- Nanase-san is looking at you. Breathe!! It's fine! It'll be fine!
All Haruka - and Rin, should he dare look upon his former roommate - would see is a young man who has suddenly taken a very serious interest in the marble lobby floor, swallowing hard around nothing, and who is several beats too late to recognize that assignments are over, that instructions have been given for the evening, and that a morning call was set for the day after next.]
--tori... Nitori!
[Ai snaps to when he realizes their team manager has been trying to pawn off his room card. Ai takes hold of it,] Thank you, [And stares down at those damning numbers.
Well. Such is fate. He puts on his bravest face yet, with a smile that is trying so damned hard to reach his eyes, as he turns to Rin, catapulting his brain somewhere roughly five years younger in the way it tries to grasp at straws.]
This is lucky! Isn't it, senpai? Since you've roomed with Nanase-san before, too. It's good our management took that into consideration.
no subject
Date: 2025-10-18 03:59 am (UTC)until his gaze lands on haru. and he just sees that easy calm, with a touch of curiousity in his gaze.
and then rin's gaze lands on sousuke and he shrivels under the intensity of it. sousuke's brow is barely raised, but there's something in those deep blues that gives everything else away and well. rin barely hears that sousuke and ikuya somehow get off with a double occupancy, and that just makes him want to die even further.
how the hell does that fucking figure. it's easy enough to beg sousuke to switch with him, but before he can entertain the thought further, he sees mikhail giving him a look and rin grits his teeth and takes his key card, stalking off towards where their bags have been unloaded from the shuttle.
his giant duffel is near the top and he goes to grab it when another hand nearly touches his own and rin practically jerks away. because he sees the stupid dolphin covered suitcase, and knows--]
Ah, sorry. My bad.
[rin waits for whenever ai decides to come get his own luggage, foot still tapping against the ground incessantly, fingers pushing through his hair over and over and over again]
no subject
Date: 2025-10-18 04:14 am (UTC)He watches as Rin awkwardly jerks his hand back when Haruka accidentally brushes against him. Ai doesn't even have it in him to conjure a reaction, just deflates a little. Waits until a few of the other guys have cleared out their suitcases before going for his own oversized duffel; Ai's able to pluck it out of the pile without much fanfare, stepping aside to make room for their teammates who have to get their stuff too. Though notably, he stands an arm and a leg away from Rin and Haruka.
He looks at Rin, an oddly serious expression on his face. Something imploring. Ai wouldn't dare loosen his tongue over the matter with others in earshot, but. In whatever way he can, he's trying to beg Rin to just have a little trust. If Ai can, Rin can too. Right? If one simply ignores how Ai's gripping the strap of his duffel white-knuckled so as not to reveal his shaking hands, then he can't be a hypocrite.]
Come on, before the elevators are swamped. [Ai shuffles with alacrity toward said architecture, calling an elevator down with the button, and as soon as the door is open, he holds its mouth open so that Haruka and Rin can do the same.]
no subject
Date: 2025-10-20 03:21 am (UTC)it's not ai's fault. and rin shouldn't treat him as such. and he doesn't! it's just hard to pinpoint where all his emotions are going when he's stuck inbetween a literal rock and a hard place. rin notices the intensity in which ai is clutching his bag, and feels that fresh, hot wave of guilt washing over him. for so many reasons. haru nods at ai, and starts heading off to the elevator, but rin hangs back for a moment, casting a pleading glance at his friend.
and mouths a little i'm sorry before ai beats the both of them towards the elevator altogether. all the energy he had before completely sapped dry from him. never in a million years did he expect this room assignment. but it's here, and they can fucking deal with it. rin wonders how much money he would have to tuck into the team manager's pocket to let him sleep in a fucking supply closet instead. not like he's going to sleep in his current room anyways.
the elevator ride is tight. he hates it. the three of them are pinned in there with a few of their other teammates clambering over haru and asking him all sorts of questions. ones he answers quietly, casting a glance over at rin every now and again. one that rin just shrinks from, and makes him grip his bag tighter.
it's fine. they're just here to sleep. so much of their time is going to be spent in the pool, seeing the sights the city has to offer, making connections. maybe rin can just occupy the bathtub, unless haru beats him to it]
no subject
Date: 2025-10-20 04:06 am (UTC)It's hard to be upset if he's asleep, he thinks, so as soon as they're let off their floor, Ai waits for a few of their other team members to make room for them to step off, and all but bee-lines down the hallway in pursuit of their room. Doesn't say a word; keeps his eyes dutifully either on the floor or on the wall. Somehow, down in the lobby, it was easy to convince himself it was no big thing. But staring down the reality of weeks stuck in this mental chasm, Ai already feels exhausted. He'll have to figure out something, otherwise he'll be eaten alive by the raw, sheer shame he feels for even existing in proximity at the same time to these two.
Jealousy is an ugly thing, he thinks. And Ai isn't categorically a jealous person. He knows he has his work cut out for him.
Ai waits for one of the two veterans to step in first, smile plastered weakly on his countenance. If Rin's dead set on being wound up from the onset, Ai has a continued duty to try and be a grounding force. So he fills the air even though none of them really want him to, himself included,]
It's bigger than I would have expected... I heard hotels in Paris were skim with their square footage. [He awkwardly flips the key card between his hands, waiting to step in and close the door.] Ah, because you're both older, it's better if you choose your beds first.
no subject
Date: 2025-10-23 02:24 am (UTC)whatever.
rin is terrible at pretending like nothing is wrong, even more once their teammates disperse and they're all standing in front of the door. ai is too polite. way too polite, especially given the circumstances. rin's surprised he's not flitting off to beg for another accommodation. hell, rin is surprised he hasn't actually beat ai to it already!
ai is infuriatingly way too polite, and rin shoves his own keycard into the door slot, shouldering past the both of them because--]
I didn't get a fucking window seat, so window bed is mine!
[....that's one way to do it.
rin throws his bag onto it unceremoniously, and starts dumping his shit every which way. yes rin is normally neat and keeps his stuff in one area. but it's like he's marking his territory or something like a pissed off dog. he doesn't even notice haru taking the middle bed after casting a glance at ai with a raised brow.
no rin is not throwing a tantrum thanks. he's getting this all out of the way so he can go drown himself in the bathtub. he shoots a frazzled glance back at ai]
...don't even start telling river body stories in here!
no subject
Date: 2025-10-23 02:50 am (UTC)But what steals the wind right back out of his sails is the way Rin spreads. How many months has it been of Ai trying to encourage Rin to do that back home? To remind him he's welcome in Ai's apartment; that he could take up more space than the four-by-six of the futon. Even worse, Ai has nowhere to pin this feeling: Haruka may be present, but Ai understands that to be a stressor in his own right. It isn't as if Rin was excited at the prospect of staying in a hotel for the sake of it.
So it's me. It's the only logical conclusion he can reach, another shallow cut to add to the thousands he's sure to endure over the course of this training camp. Haruka looking at him so suddenly and pointedly is what breaks Ai from his unfortunately negative rumination, shutting the door and ushering himself in; his bed is closest to the door, and furthest from Rin. Inadvertently a blessing; if Ai felt he needed to leave, he could do so quietly without causing much ruckus. To Haruka's awry glance, Ai only offers a mildly confused simper.
In stark contrast to Rin, Ai places his suitcase at the foot of his bed and unzips it quietly, slowly beginning to sort through his things. It looks like Rin has his own dresser flush to the wall of the room, but between Haruka and Ai's beds, there is only one. Ai didn't mind keeping most of his things in his case; he pulls out a set of pyjamas and a set of morning clothes. Pyjamas on the bed, morning clothes tossed over the back of the room's couch.]
I think I terrorized Nanase-san enough on the plane ride, he doesn't need more of that from me. [Ai sits on his bed and collapses backward, back resting down on the mattress. He takes in a deeeeep breath, and exhales it sloooowly through his nose. One might mistake it for enjoying the plush comfort of a hotel bed; in reality, he's trying to release all the damn tension in his body.] The bath is connected with the toilet, right? That's one of the things I miss from home... [Laying down, Ai rubs at his hair.] We'll probably need to decide shower times so we're not keeping each other waiting.
no subject
Date: 2025-10-23 10:45 pm (UTC)some things never change apparently!!!
rin grits his teeth, and begins shrugging off his team jacket and his shirt. all while fumbling through his duffel and whatever pile he's managed to concoct next to him for his signature tank top. if he's going to be stuck in the most uncomfortable situation known to man, he's going to do it in the most comfortable thing he owns. without even sparing a glance back at ai, and taking the whole treat me like normal thing way too literally apparently after just a few weeks prior having ai's dick down his throat-- rin also shucks off his pants and pulls on a pair of his running shorts, trying so desperately to not give in to temptation and mutter this and that over their current lodging.
but well, at least haru's given them the floor for at least thirty minutes. or if he's all nice and awkwardly considerate, that could be even shorter. hopefully in haru's rehab, he didn't grow too much of a conscious and rin can avoid the awkward for as long as possible. he rubs the back of his head, trying to figure out where to put all his stuff that makes the most sense]
You can get the next one.
[...rin offers, even though he wants a shower so SO bad right now. but that's the gentleman's thing to do right? or whatever good friends do!]
Not sure I can even stand up long enough to take one right now anyways.
no subject
Date: 2025-10-23 11:08 pm (UTC)But he just can't do it. Not now, knowing the weight Sousuke carries. Ai worries his bottom lip, tabs out from his texts, and instead goes into his photo roll to look idly at shots he's snapped from over the duration of their travel...
... Trying so very, very hard to keep Rin out of his periphery. Because Ai's noticed the way Rin's assumed normalcy again, and so Ai can cue in. Not that he'd stare anyway, but... Something about this hotel room truly felt like the walls were slowly closing in on him. It was either that, or the way it seemed suddenly as if Rin can't even look at him since entering.
He waits far too generous a length of time until he's certain Rin is clothed to turn to address him, shaking his head gently.]
But you really wanted to wash off, didn't you? It's best if you go first, I can wait. [Besides, Ai isn't afraid to use his trump card, forcing upon Rin exactly one aspect of their relationship he cannot toe in and out of at his convenience, doing so with an easy-going smile on his face,] Because you're senpai. It'd be rude if I went first.
[And then Ai purses his lips. And considers for a moment. How unreadable Rin has been since arriving, and how Haru being in the shower nets them just a few minutes alone to make their peace with the matter. It dances on the tip of his tongue, some kind of reassurance. I'm stronger than you think I am, or I know my place, or For the next two weeks, we're teammates first. For once, none coalesce past his lips. Worried saying anything might just make things worse. So he performs a miracle, and instead puts his foot in his mouth.]
Nanase-san takes his time, doesn't he...
no subject
Date: 2025-10-24 02:41 am (UTC)I've been telling you for years to drop it, not like that's suddenly changing here.
[awkward silence commences. even though it was kind of already present before. rin's fine with silence. rin's fine with awkward silence. rin is not fine with feeling like his sheets are swallowing him whole, and the whole world is spinning on the axis funny. he tosses himself over to stare at the wall underneath the window, trying to not let himself claw out of his own skin.
ai's cued up his phone. fine! rin can do the same then. he fumbles for his phone wherever he ditched it on the pillows, and pulls it up to his peripheral, squinting at the absolute wall of unread text messages he's greeted with. his sister, his mother, fucking sousuke-- it takes everything in him to not chuck his phone at the wall. but he behaves himself, tries to fire off a few polite and short texts before shoving it back under his pillow.
and back into that awkward silence...except ai is nothing short of a saint once again, and he helps break it. rin huffs, rubbing the back of his head before he stiffly raises himself off the bed]
Yeah, because he's an inconsiderate prick.
[--and rin is marching over to the bathroom door and slams a fist against it a few times, kicking it for good measures]
I swear to fuck, better not be testing the limits of how much like a prune you can resemble in there.
[before rin begins...to stomp back to his bed and flops back onto it with a huff, crossing his arms. haru is absolutely an inconsiderate prick. does that actually fall onto rin matsuoka very much? no. but that's totally besides the point. rin grits his teeth]
Anyways! Just-- [rin drops his face a little, glancing over at the bathroom door] I'm fucking sorry, okay. I saw the look on your face.
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Date: 2025-10-24 02:52 am (UTC)[It's delivered with a cheeky smile he can somehow conjure the energy for, almost wanting to laugh with a sincerity that surprises himself when Rin flips him off. But, he'd remember. Even after Rin had first dragged Ai by the hands into friendship, it'd taken Rin another couple of months to get used to the new name on his lips, meanwhile Ai celebrated it immediately in private. Between himself and his journal.
Then, after a few beats of awkward yet peaceful coexistence, he watches in mild horror as Rin marches up to the poor bathroom door and begins pounding away at it, fists and voice and all.]
Senpai, don't! Let him take his time...!
[Ai's expression is scrutinizing as Rin stomps back to his bed... and flips nearly one-eighty immediately when Rin addresses him. Ai had half a mind to lie, to say what face?, except he knows. And he knows he's wearing it now, too. He places his phone screen-down in his lap, eyes trained for a moment down on the mattress before studying the bathroom door like a hawk.]
It can't be helped. And anyway, I know my place.
[He means it in such a specific and almost self-deprecating way, and he recognizes that. Ai takes in a breath, and reminds himself he isn't going to get through the next three weeks with that kind of attitude; Rin can likely see the way he pulls in a breath through his nose.]
... We're a team. More than anything, we're all working toward the same goal. I finally made it this far, so I won't let anything ruin it for me. [He finally looks at Rin, expression half split between determination and vulnerability.] Anything. So please stop feeling guilty.
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Date: 2025-10-24 07:55 pm (UTC)Your place?
[and oh that does light a little fire in him. something less fueled and more bitter than anything else. if he had less than a scrap of the self control he has now, it would probably turn into a similar scene like the one where porcelain smashed all over ai's pristine tile. and nothing could ever be the same from then on. but the bathroom door is a haunting reminder that well.
actions have consequences]
...what does that even mean?
[ai can ignore him left and right, but rin isn't dropping it, though he's being overly cautious of ai's privacy and keeping his voice at least a few octaves lower. rin knows damn well what it probably means, and that just makes the guilt continue to gnaw at him. two weeks of this? he might sooner go sleep under a stairwell or in the bathtub...not that all of this isn't his own fault anyways, he realizes glumly]
I'll stop feeling guilty when you stop giving me a reason to.
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Date: 2025-10-24 08:27 pm (UTC)Asked to clarify, he just can't. Because it'd mean speaking words he's trying so very hard to keep left unspoken, and the more cowardly part of him doesn't want to be proven right. He only stares at Rin, like an idiot, for once caught without words. Just as he's about to open his mouth, he hears the shower shut off; Ai's head whips to look at the bathroom door. His blood runs cold.
I'll stop feeling guilty when you stop giving me a reason to. Ai swallows thickly, and answers maybe just a touch too quickly,]
I've been trying.
[-- before waiting for the door to inevitably open. It isn't that easy. I try and I try but I keep coming back. Maybe Sousuke would be amenable after all...]
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Date: 2025-10-24 08:39 pm (UTC)when he only has himself to blame]
Well try harder!
[rin's voice takes on a more desperate hitch. something in his eyes and throat feels hot as he drops his voice as low as it will go, fingers digging into the sheets. the marks of their encounter are long gone, but the scars of them remain. he knows he's being famously unfair to ai right now. none of them asked for this, and ai is only caught up in all of this because of rin anyways.
it would have probably been ten thousand times easier if ai didn't have the thoughts of rin squeezing around his cock, and fighting in the shower... he squeezes his eyes shut, trying not to tear out his own hair. because the next worst thing is ai bailing, and rin doesn't now how he can fucking handle being alone in a room with haru right now.
the garage was one thing. they weren't set up for failure like that. here? every outcome is bad. rin bites his lip, trying to pull in calming breaths to his lungs before haru makes his way through that door, trying so desperately to still keep his voice low and in check]
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-- shit, I didn't mean to say that sorry.
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Date: 2025-10-24 08:49 pm (UTC)Ai's mind immediately goes somewhere-- far. Odd for him, who is usually so present with his feelings, with the reality of his choices. Of how much harder he has to work to accomplish a fraction of his peers; of how much more he has to invest to attain a fraction of the mind Rin gives to others. Present with his self, and all the good and bad parts of it. But for a second, all he could see were his own lips forming around syllables he would come to regret in seconds, and Rin's back as he left the shower room.
Isn't it obvious? That he's only been a tumour from the start. Even though Rin's suddenly apologizing, Ai knows it's hollow. Because Rin's right. None of this would be a problem, would be so much simpler if he'd just--]
It's fine.
[His chest chokes around a black hole, and his bottom lip threatens to give way. He chews its inside hard enough to draw blood. It's exactly as he's about to try and dismiss himself - to go find a vending machine, get water from the front desk, anything - that the bathroom door opens with a fog of steam and one Nanase Haruka. It's exactly then Ai realizes he can't just up and leave; can't commit the same sin Rin had against him. It's his only option to keep pushing his rock uphill, no matter how many times he's forced back to the bottom.
The air in the room is stifling; Ai tries to keep his face obfuscated behind his phone screen, one errant word away from crying, and he's really not in the mood to have to explain why to either parties present.]
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Date: 2025-10-24 09:19 pm (UTC)and all rin can do in response is just grit his teeth and flop back down on his bed, not giving haru or ai a second lookover. and haru obviously suspects something is transpiring, because he doesn't say anything and just goes to his own bed, putting away his travel clothes and folding the towel around his shoulders neatly. rin can hear it all happening, knows exactly what kind of routine ai and haru get into. his own downfall is knowing the two of them so deeply. because in this situation? it comes back to bite him in the ass.
there's nothing he can vocalize right now, and so he just stiffly gets up and grabs his own towel from his bag, and stalks off to the bathroom. ai had given him the space to shower first right? like hell he's backing down from that now. ai can fucking sit in there with haruka nanase-- and that's not fair]
Gonna shower.
[rin knows it's not fair. because even as he steers past ai's bed, he can see the unsung tears glistening in his eyes. and it just brings that wave of agony and guilt fresh in him. which manifests in him slamming the door behind him and turning the shower on way too hot to start out in but.
he doesn't know how else to feel something right now. so the sting of water that makes his skin match his hair will do]
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Date: 2025-10-24 09:30 pm (UTC)In much the same way Ai couldn't have fixed Rin in his first year short of transforming into someone else, he feels pinned against the same impossible task right now. At least back then, Rin's problems had been esoteric and less specific; angry at himself, at the world, at the wall he'd hit, at the people he felt both tugged him forward and held him back. Right now? Ai is painfully, acutely aware he's the problem. It was a difficult pill to swallow, when they'd first met - even back then, feeling as if he wasn't enough. Couldn't be enough for Rin to confide in more, lean on more, trust more.
Actively sabotaging the smile he so badly wanted to protect, Ai is flat-out sick with himself.
He looks up at the ceiling. Idly traces patterns on it until he can convince himself he won't just burst into tears if he opens his mouth or dares look to his side. Ai so badly doesn't want to make a terrible situation worse, and isn't sure if acknowledging the obvious with Haruka would move the needle forward or break it. Even if Haruka hasn't roomed with Rin before, Ai is certain he has enough of a read on Rin to know what it means when he's in these moods... And the way he slammed the door is hard to miss.
Selfishly, Ai realizes, part of the reason he wants to say anything at all is for a catharsis. Just to get it off his chest, have someone listen. But he realizes in the same moment there is no audience worse for that than Haruka. So instead he does what he does best: swallows it all down, tells himself to dress his wounds as soon as he's able, and instead forces an awry, lopsided, rueful smile on his face.
Well try harder! All over again, his chest wells around nothing, and his smile pulls wider.]
Travel really brings out so many different sides of us, doesn't it? [Sorry I started it. Try as he might, Ai's courage begins to waver fast; he shifts down some so he's laying properly on the bed, and rolls over so his back is to Haruka. With his modicum of privacy, he presses his thumbs to his water ducts.] You and Rin-senpai should go with the guys to dinner. I can't think of anything better than a Parisian meal to lift spirits.
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Date: 2025-10-24 09:45 pm (UTC)no rin hasn't talked about it. but haru doesn't feel the need to meddle in people's private lives either, even if curious question have lain fresh on his tongue from time to time.
but they've never died faster than right here in this moment.
it doesn't take a genius to see the tears nitori is swallowing down. hear the faintest tremor in his voice as he tries to shift so his face is hidden from view. haru casts a glance over his shoulder as he pulls on a pair of pajama bottoms, brows furrowing. if anything, when the room announcements were made, haru thought it would be more awkward with his rival than anything. nitori and rin live together already, don't they? do they always act like this, or...]
Everyone gets touchy when they can't sleep.
[or is it just him?
haru's seen their teammates try to rip one another's heads off a thousand times over. lack of sleep, anticipation, frustration over loss, interminglings that blow up into something way out of proportion. it's why haru tries to stay out of to the best of his ability, offering an ear if needed but... knowing his own "break ups" with a certain teammate have caused plenty of drama on the team equally. including this apparently.
well. haru sees what ai is trying to do here. and he stands there for a moment, hand in his bag. before he blinks back down at it, and pulls a small pack of sweets out that makoto had sent him with. he carefully turns the bag over between his fingertips, before turning around and reaching to let the package corner brush against the back of nitori's neck]
...I can leave now if that's easier.
[yes haru is looking forward to spending some time with rin, sure. after all the avoidance and weirdness they've been toeing around. but haru can't help but feel a tug of pity towards his junior and whatever has happened to make him turn himself so small]
I'd think you'd want to lift your own spirits though.
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Date: 2025-10-24 09:59 pm (UTC)Too used to being able to shallowly bury things and watching as Rin forgets they exist. Ai realizes quickly he won't be able to hide away as quickly or easily with Haruka. It manifests as a touch on the back of his neck he assumes is a bug, so he jolts and slaps it--
Realizes he's just spiked Haruka's hand and the sweets that had been in it. Then he says that, and Ai is stuck between furiously shaking his head and trying to collect the package to hold it back to Haruka,]
Ah, sorry--! No!! No no, I didn't mean it like that at all! [The panic in Ai's voice is genuine; despite it all, despite himself, he cannot bring himself to think ill of Haruka. Ai would struggle to even say he didn't want his company; frankly, he does. Ai needs something to diffuse the tension. Selfishly, he believes Rin and Haruka being in proximity might finally kill the demons inside of himself, too. It'd be a win-win for all involved.
Haruka is compassionate, and observational, and Ai isn't ready for any of it. Despite his eyes still threatening to spill over, he shakes his head with yet another weak smile,]
I'm fine. Not that, um. [Is it better or worse if he spells all? Ai decides in that moment it's Rin's story to tell; Haruka likely wouldn't care to hear any of it from Ai. So he only shakes his head again,] I promise this won't be a problem. Really. I think I just. I must've struck a nerve.
...
This is kind, thank you, but I'm okay. [He looks down at the sweets package.] Please don't take it the wrong way. We're teammates. I look forward to working hard together.
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Date: 2025-10-24 10:23 pm (UTC)Like I said. Touchy when they haven't slept.
[he could feel the tension when they were sitting together on the plane. and that still carries over now. so maybe some of haru's famous dryness can help smooth things over a bit. nitori is so formal with him. haru isn't the same as rin, so why... instead of treating haru like a teammate, treating him like his senior. and ah, well. the rest of the team is generally more polite than haru, and he stiffens remembering how natsuya had to basically force some respect out of him all those years ago...
yet, haru knows when things aren't appreciated or wanted. he dimly remembers some times he felt the way way, back in his last year of high school, back on his first year on the team... it can stack up and feel like a lot. and nitori is absolutely feeling that now. whether it's from him and rin's spat, or some other outside force haru doesn't know about]
It's not a problem.
[because it's not. haru can't possibly understand what is happening between his roommates right now. but he can at least try to mitigate it where he can. he blinks over at the bathroom door, swearing he can hear rin curse over a dropped shampoo bottle much louder than he normally would. and his gaze trickles back towards nitori instead]
...yeah. Same.
[his tone is far from dismissive. he wants them all to succeed together. in any way possible. and however he can help his friends in turn. haru stands back for a moment, looking over at the gloomy alarm clock sitting on their shared nightstand. the stretch of silence feels so much longer than in actuality]
Now wouldn't be a bad time to duck out.
[he offers with a roll of his shoulder, turning around and slowly beginning to unpack his bag. it's quiet while he takes a few things out, trying to be considerate of nitori's own belongings and the space he'll need. before haru offers as well]
...or I can tell him we need to meet Ikuya when he gets out.
[or i can leave again. haru doesn't offer verbally, but he hopes the offer is still understood silently in every form]
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Date: 2025-10-24 10:37 pm (UTC)Nanase-san is kind, and Ai is famously bad at being forthright where it concerns including himself. He isn't sure if Haruka is inviting him to dinner, too, and can't quite understand the necessity of using Kirishima as a scapegoat. All Ai knows is he most definitely is in no state to go out like this, and that he has at least one person who would be asking questions, two if his uncle happened to catch sight of him, and the threat of that opening its maw and dragging Rin back under is enough to make Ai firmly set in his plans for the evening.
So he shoots Haruka the first genuine smile he's been able to muster since entering the room, and shakes his head a third time.]
I'm not interested in telling you how to kick off your evening, Nanase-san. But I think it's very kind and a little funny of you to offer. [Because Haruka doesn't have a damn clue. Ai is already mentally bracing himself for how much more lax Rin will probably be after returning from an evening away from him.
Ai takes in a steadying breath. Stop thinking like that.]
I'll take a shower and probably pick up something from downstairs. [I'll be okay. I promise. I'm fine.] It's no good if more than one of us is touchy for too long.
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