Ai's voice cracks something, and Rin wants to run.
"You're not some fucking saint." His voice cracks, he's running out of argument. Running out of ways to spin this in his favor, but Ai is persistently stubborn. And still right fucking here. His voice turns frantic, Ai looks too much like somebody who cares, and Rin can't stand it.
"Good for you. You fucking stayed." It's a lame ass argument. He's grasping at straws. All he can do is try to tack something more appropriate on. "Watched me make a fool of myself. You were always there. Out of everyone else."
Still. Rin's something more akin to a cornered dog, baring his teeth, lashing and snapping out in some attempts to give himself space.
"Maybe you should have said something when I wanted someone to, ever think of that? Not when I'm losing my mind?" Rin barks out, a sobbing laugh ripping out of him. But then Ai fucking apologizes. Sorry. And Rin wants to scream. He wants to rip his hair out, because that's not at all what he wants.
Why? Why can't people just fucking leave well enough alone? Why is Ai like this?? He's the one apologizing. For all of this, out of all people. Rin chokes out a sob, slamming his fist against the tile wall. The sting is a small relief, the only thing he has in this mess.
Ai titters, but it's such a hollow noise. He can't even smile. Just wipes at his face again as he lifts his head, straightens his spine. ever think of that? He honestly could laugh if he didn't feel so painfully low. How many times had he considered it? Weighing the pros and cons of Rin having access to this information? So little of it actually came down to being 'found out' - how he felt had zero bearings on how he acted with and around Rin. Rather, it was always a measure of whether or not he'd become a bigger burden. Selfless in a way that is selfish.
"You never asked." And why would he? Rin always had his sights on someone else. He never had an incentive to know, such was Ai's measure. A sudden confession from his roommate, or his third-best-friend wouldn't have changed a damn thing. Might've only cornered Rin, maybe even made him feel gross. Estranged their relationship, lengthening the miles between them.
Why? Why do you want to stay??
His eyebrows knit for a moment, but then there's a modicum of peace that crosses his countenance - as if for the first time since they started yelling and arguing, he's had a thought of pure clarity. Something so simple it may as well be banal. The sky is blue, the ocean is vast, the birds sing--
"Because I've always admired you."
He finally does smile, watery as it is. "And because you're my friend. It really is as simple as that."
The words throb in his head. A dull echo pounding alongside the migraine that's already beginning to blossom. Everything else loses touch with reality. His retort at not needing to ask, because they're friends goddamnit and Ai should trust him-
It's deadly silent. Only the water crashing down around them any indication of life. Because suddenly, Rin is 17 again, back to back with his best friend and all he can hear is the hum of a fan and the crack in his voice. "I've always admired you. From the day we met..." And here Ai is. Feeding him the same goddamn line.
The universe hates him. Just a cosmic joke.
His voice is ragged when it finally slips free. "Don't--don't say that." It's frantic. "Jesus christ. You too?? Is that the script everyone's passing around now?" Finally Rin begins to step towards the door, panic fluttering in his gaze. The crocodile tears are back in full force now, all out on display.
"You didn't tell me because you didn't want to burden me? That it, right? Fuck you."
He swipes a hand through his hair, tearing at the seams, fumbling around for his tank top forgotten in the corner. His jaw is clenching so tight, it aches. The silence is too much, too final. Too heavy. Rin sinks his teeth into his lip as he pulls the stained clothing back on with hardly a grimace.
But Rin is taking even a moment of silence as finality right now, and he fumbles for the door. He needs to get out. It's too much. He casts a look at Ai, feeling the blood well from his lip.
"I-- I need to go. I'm sorry." He doesn't comment where, he hasn't gotten that far yet. All he knows is he's a parasite here. This is Ai's home and he's fucking sullied it. Selfishly taken up residency like a goddamn cockroach. Made his neighbor's probably hate him between the books, the fucking and the screaming in the middle of the night. Rin doesn't even care that it's still a fucking monsoon ouside.
Because he's just grabbing his phone, shoving the remainder of his clothes on and veering out the door like he's just been burned. But he's considerate in one thing at least, and doesn't slam the door behind him. He's already caused enough damage for one night. For a lifetime.
"Senpai," Ai begins in protest, a pang of hurt overwhelming his senses. He'd put on full display his honest feelings, and even now, even now all Rin can deign to do is compare it to someone else. Ai knows exactly who, and it eats at him inside.
That it, right? Fuck you. It's all he can do to stare. Rin had the right of it this time - nuances be damned. Before he can even open his mouth to try and form words, Rin's already made up his mind. He's moving, picking up his stuff. Ai wonders if the apology is more for Rin or for himself as Rin books it out the door.
It comes in waves. Grief, agony, confusion, regret. Perhaps it's a blessing Rin's taken off, he isn't around to hear the guttural sobbing Ai looses amidst the shower room, water now running cold.
When he finally collects himself enough to exit into the apartment, he isn't sure what to think at seeing that Rin's bag is still there. Relief at first. Despite everything, Ai still wanted this to be the place Rin would return. Even if it meant difficult conversations and new normals. His chest feels so heavy, but this is some amount of reprieve.
The rest is a bit of a blur, his head pounding from the yelling, the tears shed, having been under the water for so long-- he is certain his neighbours are going to issue a noise complaint tomorrow. He cleans up the kitchen, careful not to nick himself on the shattered porcelain. Places the abandoned mug in the sink. Takes off Rin's sheets and lays out a fresh set for him.
He lays down on his bed, on top of the covers. Back turned to the apartment, staring blearily at the curtained window, listening to the harsh batter of the rain against the glass. He wants to make sure Rin is alright, but knows he needs space - Ai isn't foolish enough to run out for him. So he waits. Eyes closed, despite sleep being a long gone conclusion.
Rin goes to Sousuke's first. Showing up on his doorstep in the middle of a storm, shaking and sobbing for a multitude of reasons. It only makes his friend's eyes widen, as he yanks him inside. It's some small blessing his brother isn't there to see him in such a humiliating state. It's bad enough Sousuke had to see it. His neck marred, soaking wet, barely able to stand from the night's activities and Rin's own inner turmoil. All while sobs continue to spill in half coherent chokes.
It doesn't last more than two days, however.
Because Sousuke doesn't press the first twenty four hours. He makes his bed up for Rin, and just lets him sob himself to sleep. He knows Rin gets nightmares in this weather, but he's not stupid either. And so Rin blankly sleeps for the next ten hours. It's awkward when he awakens, and Sousuke is sitting right there at his desk like he never moved at all. But a few hours later, he finally presses.
"You look like shit."
And something in Rin jolts, and they do what they do best after another day of awkwardly skirting around it. Fight it out, until Rin is storming out. Because he knows Sousuke is right. He's not going to hold back, and he doesn't. There's some panicked confusion in Rin's voice when the accusatory words slip out. The 'why did you never tell me's. And Sousuke stays stoic as he can through that argument. Fuck, did everyone know about how Ai feels except Rin himself?
But then Sousuke just gets this sad smile, and something in Rin is gutted. Because his retort is quiet. "How could someone not feel that way?" And Rin isn't fucking ready for this conversation either, because he knows exactly what that soft smile entails, that miserable glaze hovering over his eyes.
And so Rin leaves Sousuke's in that similar fashion.
His phone has long since died. Not that he wants to look at whoever is texting him anyways. He wants to go home. Rin just wants to curl up against his mom on the couch, but she doesn't even know he's back in the country and trekking all the way home looking like this isn't what a good son does.
So Rin does something he's not necessarily proud of for the next two nights.
But night four, he comes back because there's no running from this forever. He's surprised his key still works, truth be told. The smile on his face is a bitter thing, upon the realization. Maybe it's more self sabotaging than anything as he limps through the genkan, slipping off his shoes as quietly as possible. There's dark bags under his eyes, his jacket pulled up; a miserable shielding of the black and blue coating his neck like a scarf. Intensified from whatever Ai left the other night. Deep and smeared.
He can't even bring himself to look into the apartment at first, too miserable to see what mess might still linger. Just staring blankly down at himself. He has a small bag, some stupid sort of peace offering. An olive branch. It's just one of Ai's favorite drinks. Stupid in the grand scheme of things, but.
He wasn't sure how long to expect Rin to be gone, but Ai wasn't stupid or deluded enough to know it'd be an overnight affair. For reasons he cannot begin to comprehend, Rin had seemed more scorned than Ai himself was. The twisted, mangled expression on his face right before he'd bolted for the front door burned into Ai's memory like a brand of his shame.
By day two, he starts worrying. Feels stuck and beside himself. His instinct is to reach out to Sousuke; Ai would have bet Rin had contacted him by now. Haruka was out of the question, which also put Makoto out of the question, and Ai knows both Nagisa and Rei are too far for Rin to consider bunking with, even temporarily. It was triangulation... But if he's there, it's because he's trying to outrun me. If I call, I only make it worse. Never mind touching upon that which he and Sousuke had sought for solace in one another. Ai doesn't think he could ever forgive himself for accidentally putting that on full display to Sousuke now, in the form of a miserable Matsuoka with the bite marks to prove it.
Day three is when he starts sending texts. He wants to trust Rin, and so they aren't panicked - try not to be. Don't beg him either. But on the off chance Rin still had service or didn't outright block him, Ai did what he could to make it evident Rin still had a space.
Are you alright? There's discounts on gyuudon today. I think you left your charger. Please be careful. There's high winds today.
Day four is when the panic manifests. Not only out of human worry for Rin, who is god knows where in Tokyo at the moment, and Ai too afraid to text their only probable mutual friend to know for sure. But for his future; the All Japan was right around the corner. After this entire ordeal, would Rin even be fit to compete? Ai himself had qualified, but was definitely not making any cuts this time around either. A foregone conclusion the moment Rin had dragged him by the collar and kissed him. Ai is a mental wreck at the idea that he might be partially responsible for neglecting Rin the chance to chase his dream fully.
He's gone to work; he's gone to classes; he's swam. Worked out, fed himself, showered. Went on as normally as he could. But every single evening he returns to his apartment, it is as if a bellowing yawn is waiting for an opportunity to swallow him whole.
He is trying - and failing - to go over some study work when he hears the front door unlock. Ai swivels in his chair, line of sight pinning directly across the apartment and on crestfallen red hair. Ai jolts up to his feet, about to run the length of his apartment to Rin-- but pauses. Suddenly is painfully aware of the miles and miles and miles between them. His hand grips the edge of his desk, white-knuckled...
But his eyes are blown wide, glassy with utter relief. Of the maelstrom swirling in his chest, this is the most poignant feeling. His chest rises and falls heavily.
"W--," he begins. Stops. Then commits, "Welcome home."
He doesn't say anything at first. The sting of that greeting. Welcome home. In a place he has completely sullied into feeling alien. Ai seemed so proud of the home he built for himself, and now... Rin awkwardly stands in the doorway, squeezing his wrist, his other hand holding the small bag.
He hates feeling like he's disturbed the very space he dares to occupy, even just by standing.
"I--" Rin falters. He stares at the floor, before forcing himself to move across the small space. It's only to shove the bag into Ai's arms and step back towards the doorway. Like he isn't sure if he belongs here anymore. Home. His stomach lurches. Rin shifts a little, leaning back against the wall near the door. His jacket sticks to his skin, his hair dripping.
Everything looks normal. There's no shattered porcelain, or messed up sheets. Everything looks... normal. Rin swallows around nothing. There's a part of him that just wants to crawl against the futon without another word. But that's the coward's way. And he's been so much of that recently. With everyone. He goes back to grabbing his own wrist, the pressure a nice grounding through this whole mess. He's exhausted. The last time he got any decent rest was at Sousuke's. And before that it was night after night of none through the storms.
His neck aches. His body is stiff. But that fear of occupying space leaks back into him. He's stiff from where he stands. Until finally, Rin tries speaking again.
Ai can at least tell Rin's cooled off - what had been a raging fury and powerful anger days ago has, in its wake, transformed into a resigned solemn. Ai doesn't think he's ever seen Rin so mentally far away. Unsure. Passively, self-deprecatingly, Ai wonders if this is what he looked like all throughout first year.
He watches with that same wide-eyed stare as Rin crosses the space with such speed the floor may as well be made of tacks, shoves a bag in Ai's hand, and then retreats back to the mouth of the studio.
Ai isn't so sure what to do next. What he wants to do differs from when he knows he should do, and both differ from his instinct. He peeks inside the bag - a lemon tea, one of his favourites. The way his chest suddenly feels as if it's about to burst is in and of itself a betrayal, but god damnit, he can't help the way his mouth tries to smile against his cheeks. Not because Rin remembered, or because it's his favourite - but because Rin's trying. It was the little bit Ai needed to feel as if not everything had been lost.
Rather than overthink them both into another argument, Ai decides to lean fully into his intuition. There was nothing to hide anymore - was his rationale. So he takes the lemon tea out of the bag and crosses about half-way over toward Rin, near to his futon. Looks to him with a gentle shake of his head. I forgive you. But if Rin knows Ai, he knows that forgiveness is implicit. I'm sorry, too. Ai swallows down his running thoughts to maintain his composure, eyes flitting over Rin's form to take him in gently.
"It's okay." It's said almost hushed; loud enough to make sure Rin registers, quiet enough that Ai can move past it quickly. He's leaning forward a little then, as if wanting to step closer but not quite having the courage at first. Then, suddenly, decides he's done holding back for Rin's sake; that's half of the reason they've gotten to this point. So he steps closer, just barely in Rin's space, an arm's length away. Ai tries to find his eyes.
"Are you alright?" he doesn't mean emotionally, not that he'd expect Rin to reply as such anyway; he's worried about Rin's condition. Four days is a long time to be a vagabond. "Have you eaten? You're soaking wet..." I missed you. I missed you. I missed you.
"Don't ask questions if--" He stops himself before he snaps back something he can't take back again. if you don't want the answer. It's mean. And Rin doesn't want to be like that. He's already had a miserable stint, and it isn't worth it because he has enough pride to choke a horse. He licks his lips, trying to adopt something softer.
But he doesn't flinch when Ai encroaches on his space. He just doesn't know what to do with it. He looks a little surprised at the proximity. Because at the end of the day, Rin didn't say anything back. Because he doesn't know what to say. He's not sure he even deserves the look that crosses Ai's gaze when he brims with recognition at the tea of all things.
"I'm alright." He lies first, because that instinct wins out the aggression for once. He lets his gaze drift back to the floor, rocking back on his heels.
"Yeah. I ate." He doesn't go into detail about the abysmal amount he's eaten, or what specifically. But that isn't a lie at least. Rin shifts again. "It's just raining again." He flinches under the implication that he was out in storms at all, when Ai knows damn well how his psyche cracks under it. But he tries to brush that subject aside, because isn't that what started this whole mess to begin with?
It's precarious, the way he lingers there. Ai's kindness is undoing him in real time, and it's a terrifying prospect. "I'm sorry for the shit I said. I'm really sorry."
If only Rin would be honest. Ai would ask a million questions and could weather a million answers, he knows this about himself fundamentally - he just has no way of communicating this to Rin in a way that matters. But Ai's intent isn't to push, not even to pry. Rin's here, he's safe, and he's calmed down, and it's enough for Ai. He knows they'll have difficult conversations; he knows the details will come. He fundamentally trusts Rin to meet him there when Rin's ready. That isn't important to him right now.
The ugly truth is that it all still hurt. Both the things Rin said and didn't say. Ai still wears those wounds and didn't do enough to dress them appropriately, leaving him every bit as raw as the man currently apologizing to him again. But this, too, Ai internalizes as his own fault. If he hadn't caught feelings; if he'd kept his mouth shut. If he'd been a better friend, been more present, been something better than he is. But Ai knows grief is a process, and it starts like this.
He hesitates for a moment before closing the space between them, arms enveloping Rin in an embrace. Timid at first, and then vicelike in how closely he holds Rin against his chest, Ai's knuckles furling against the back of Rin's rain-sopped clothes. Shoulders stiffen and expression twisting with all his relief, all his eagerness to move through this, burying his face in the side of Rin's neck to conceal it.
"It's okay," he repeats. And then says it explicitly to make sure Rin gets it, "I forgive you." Grips him a little tighter. "I'm glad you came back."
He doesn't deserve this, he doesn't deserve forgiveness, he doesn't deserve kindness. It's a whirlwind in his head the moment Ai closes the distance. Rin stiffens, wincing a little as Ai buries his face against his bruised neck. It hurts, but he doesn't make mention of it. Ai can be selfish. Rin owes him that much.
Friendship is a funny thing. Relations with anyone, really.
At a biological level, it serves the purpose of survival. But then humans had to go and develop things like sentience, conscious. And those things intensified. Catching feelings, fighting, loving like hell, hating each other silly. It all just turned into a part of the human experience. Rin can't help the tears that spill over, biting his lip.
The last week has been miserable. But he's trying to be considerate, remembering how much worse it must have been for Ai. Being outed, thinking someone he's loved like hell for years hates him, being walked out on, screamed at, manhandled. Rin tries to be sympathetic. In his exhaustion, he can only wrap one arm around Ai's shoulders, but it's enough.
It's not fair he's put his own shit on Ai.
"You shouldn't." He laughs out bitterly. You shouldn't forgive me. Hoarse, almost entirely inaudible. He doesn't move, absolute terror flooding through him that the slightest motion will only set forth whatever had transpired previously. He tries to steady himself, deep breaths. In. Out.
He doesn't give two fucks how Ai feels. Their friendship has stood through it. Even through Rin goading Ai into fucking him so cruelly. Twisting his words. Rin winces again at the thought of Sousuke, and that whole other fucking mess waiting for him at one point or another.
"I want to." The answer to Rin's contrarian knee-jerk is almost comical in its simplicity. No one else gets to decide how I feel. No one else. Not you. It was the same feeling, but in a different context. He chooses forgiveness because-- "There's another day tomorrow. So no sense in looking back." He forgives not for his sake, not for Rin's sake, but because it is the only reasonable choice to make. Being stuck in the past - the both of them! - is what landed them here to begin with.
Holding Rin close serves its purpose, but Rin's stiff reciprocation soon settles into Ai coldly; he has his limits, and he isn't eager to chase Rin right back out the door. Slowly and maybe a bit hesitantly he finally lets go, stepping back to give Rin room. Ai presses a pinky to the inner corner of his eye - he felt the sting, but won't make a mess of himself this time around.
The last time silence fell, Rin bolted. Ai is scared of that happening again, and so nearly opens his mouth to start filling the space. To say shit that doesn't actually help. Except the words don't come. He swallows thick, instead; eyes down at the tea in his hand.
Decides he can be just a little stronger.
"In case I didn't make it clear," he begins, voice gentle and maybe just a little tired, "I don't mind you staying here." Shakes his head, "I'd like for you to stay. It's your space, too." His thumb absently pads over the label on the bottle. "For as long as you need to."
"You're too good to people. You know that, right?" Rin scoffs, blinking down at that phrasing--your space too--he doesn't know what to do with something so selflessly given. There's no lecture or apology that can match it.
It's a complicated gratitude. Ai steps back awkwardly, and Rin tenses up. He thinks he's messed something up again, Ai is disgusted by his neck, his fucking disheveled state, and he grabs at Ai's wrist unconsciously. Only to drop it immediately after, a well of panic fluttering in him at initiating his normally carefree touch. He doesn't want to...
"Sorry." He doesn't even know what he's apologizing for anymore. Ai initiated the touch first. Rin just feels like he broke it. A broken record, sorry being the star of the album. He tries to hang onto the other words instead, trying to fill the silence.
"Thanks." He settles on that. It seems appropriate, more so than whatever slew of words he could lavish onto Ai which could lead just into more misunderstandings, or terse situations. Rin laughs a little, pulling himself off the wall, rubbing the back of his neck.
"Uh, my phones dead... could you just. Let Sousuke know I'm back here?" He doesn't really want to talk to Sousuke right now. That's a whole other can of worms. "I don't need him calling the cops or something for going awol."
When Rin grabs his wrist, he doesn't flinch. But he does balk a little. Rin's always been handsy with him (which absolutely played at least a small part in what led Ai down the path he's now on) but after earlier that week, and after-- everything, Ai might've expected touch between them to be like electrocution, and not the fun kind. But it's... Fine. Rin grabs his wrist, and the world doesn't end. And Ai isn't sure what to make of that, but suspects maybe he'd been too eager to try and read Rin's mind.
His smile is lopsided, but genuine, and a little apologetic. Ai decides for just a moment to cup the side of Rin's jaw; tenderly stroke his cheek with his thumb. Just regards him, softly. No malice. Letting Rin, for that moment, look right into him to see the depths if he wanted to.
Then Rin talks pragmatic, and Ai rescinds his hand again, the bottle of tea almost like a lifeline for his anxious body. He swallows at the mention of Sousuke; seems his gut had been right on. He looks to Rin once before padding across the apartment to go and grab his own phone.
"Sure." It's on his desk, plugged into the wall, so Ai takes it off the charger. Places the bottle down to be able to handle his phone, scrolling to Sousuke's contact, doing as asked. Walks slowly back toward the center of the apartment, toward Rin... Pauses to look up at him, eyebrows knit.
"Does he know?" About us? A pretty dumb question, but. Ai needs to know exactly how much he'll have to grovel later. Before Rin can get any ideas, Ai clarifies, "Not that I mind. But if he does, I know he'll have questions." Sousuke had been the only person Ai ever confided in about his feelings, only made easy because their irreciprocity was mutual. He had gotten the impression Sousuke had gotten over himself, but who's to say what a bitten up, miserable Rin showing up on his doorstep might've unearthed?
There's a little shrill of panic at Ai's tone. How he seems to retreat back into himself at the mention. Shit shit shit shit shit. Rin didn't mean it like that. He feels Ai jerkily pull his hand back. Because Ai is giving him a look. And Rin clams up for a moment. Even as Ai clarifies, there was no hiding that spark of hurt he had worn prior.
"It's not like--yeah he knows, but." Rin scrambles for the right phrasing. There's no way to really make any of this look good. So he swallows and tries to settle on the lesser of two evils.
"We got into it, and I left after the first night. That's it, I swear." He realizes that makes it sound even worse. Rin tries to clarify, running one hand up to tug at his hair, the sting keeping him there. "He knows all he needs to. I mean. You guys can talk about it, that's not--" Shit he's doing it again. He tries to take a deep breath in.
"I'm not saying you can't if he has questions. Sorry."
Matsuoka Rin stumbling over himself to explain something relatively simple is. Something. Ai feels bad that his gut reaction is to laugh.
It's a lilted noise, airy and a bit hoarse. Looks at Rin apologetically through crinkled eyes because Ai is very much laughing at him right now, something between a titter and a chuckle.
"Senpai, it's okay. I promise I won't bite." He can tell Rin's developed some sensitivities... It hurts Ai to know that he's become a landmine, but he's confident he and Rin can work through it together. The best way to start is by trying to be the level of candid he wishes Rin would be with him, even if it's difficult.
"I trust you, and I trust him."
But Rin says something.
And in what he doesn't say, Ai's mind tries filling in the blanks. It makes his BPM spike irrationally, a thick green wave threatening to overtake him-- and then he wills himself to be just a little stronger.
"If you left, where else have you been?" The idea of Rin just being-- out doesn't occur to Ai. In all his selfishness, his brain leaps to Rin having finally sought out Haruka. Ai needs to hear it for himself.
There's a little playfulness in Ai's tone that makes Rin bristle. Which Ai immediately goes to soothe, which just makes Rin groan in response. He wants to say 'actually yeah you do', but the tone change again just puts him on edge.
He doesn't answer right away, mouth agape like he's clambering over words. The laugh that trickles after is low and humorless. He scratches the back of his neck a bit. He tugs at his collar self consciously.
"Just. With some guy I used to know."
There's no pride or sneer in it, like how he threw Sousuke and Haru's name around a few days ago. But he's still not able to look at Ai.
"Has a couch. I just needed somewhere to sleep."
Rin's guilt ridden. It's easy when you hate yourself, and are riled up from two fights with close friends and being dumped by another prior, to slip into self deprecation. But he quickly tacks on, because he's really not beating these slut allegations right now--
"We didn't-- he just. Really likes to bite when he's trashed. Like a lot." It's easy to offer up your mouth and neck as payment for a place to sleep and somebody completely unaffiliated to either party. Or parties. And maybe Rin partook in a few too many too, and he wishes he hadn't but. What's done is done.
It would have been easy to go to Haru. Rin almost wishes he had. But that would have required spilling everything that happened and Rin is a downright coward. Telling Sousuke was bad enough. But Haru?
Ai can't pinpoint the sensation that itches in his chest. Not quite jealousy, not quite frustration. Rooted in something more symbiotic - a worry. But not quite. Ai realizes then what he feels is some level of distrust. A worry that Rin isn't telling a whole truth; a worry Rin's put himself in harm's way and lying about it. That he was self-flagellating and is obfuscating it. But Ai can't be sure, and he'd be wrong to judge transgressions, even if the way Rin's been rubbing at and minding his neck this entire time suddenly makes sense, and makes a pit form in his stomach.
He didn't really put much thought into marking Rin, when he did. Wanted to, clearly, but didn't expect it to last. Yet the thought of it being covered up by someone else entirely makes his stomach sink. The idea Rin felt he had to in order to guarantee a roof over his head after a stint outside caused by Ai makes that knot twist tighter.
"I'm," Ai begins, forcefully covering up the selfish and untoward scorn with the deeper well of concern he feels on his countenance, "Very, very glad you're safe." His hand tightens around his phone, held still in front of him before his hand falls to his side. "And I'm sorry what happened led to that recourse... You shouldn't have been made to feel you had to leave in the first place. To Sousuke-senpai's or otherwise."
When he can even be outpaced by a stranger. That Rin felt safer prostrating in exchange for a couch to crash on than he did staying here. It mollywops Ai's psyche, and it's all he can do not to focus on it too much because he knows ultimately it isn't important. Even worse still, there is a sick part of him that is glad it wasn't Haruka after all.
"You must feel exhausted. Look at you," Ai beckons, "All that and you came in the rain, too." Ai shakes his head softly, minds himself as best he can. "Go take a bath? I can get your clothes in the dryer." Normalcy. He's trying so hard, even if he knows he's not really fooling either of them right now. But he has learned that his earnest has consequences, and isn't eager to stoke a second walk-out.
His fingers drift unconsciously to the bruises littering his neck. Somehow, he feels that judgement. Like Ai is carefully looking over everything about Rin in that moment, pinpointing exactly what transpired over those few days. Or worse yet, maybe Ai just doesn't believe him at all. Rin sinks inwardly a little.
It wouldn't be wrong for Ai to assume the worst. Rin is an asshole, and untrustworthy with certain things. Keeping his temper in check around them, for sure. His gaze flickers over Ai's. Tiredness. Shame. There's some core need to be understood, but he understands if that's not something Ai can jive with any longer. Or ever again.
He ignores the offer for help momentarily, shifting back a little, shoving his hands into his pockets. It's easy to make yourself appear small. He knows something is troubling Ai, but he has no right to dig in and pry. Has no right to ask why. So all he can do is meekly try something else.
"...did I do something wrong?"
Rin ventures; a bold move. He's done a lot wrong. But something about how Ai reacted to the possibility of Rin being somewhere else, with someone else, tugs at him strangely.
"I'm sorry. You can be pissed. I'm just sorry if I made you pissed off."
When last had he given Rin a reason to even need to be introspective? First year, he thinks. Rin had barked and Ai barked back and it was one of only a handful of times he had seen Rin so thoroughly disarmed. This time it's different. This time it's because Ai is a walking glass case, transparent, and he can't even do himself the favour of trying to keep a lid on it anymore, let alone doing it for Rin.
He supposes, in hindsight, this is perhaps the worst part of it all being in the open. When he had everything to lose, he had more motivation to keep it all in check. Tightly filtered expressions, carefully chosen words. A perfect lie - and a miracle, at that, for someone who was so fundamentally bad at being anything but forthright. But now the guise is over, and with it so is Ai's tightly held control. The consequence of that is letting things bleed through for all to see - Rin included.
Shame crawls up his spine and sits heavily on the back of his tongue. He'd take being rejected or called by someone else's name in bed a thousand times over if it meant he never had to feel this pathetic and vulnerable again.
"No, you did what you had to," he answers honestly, at first staring down at the floor but then looking at Rin with crinkled eyes and a simper, bittersweet. "It's me. I feel bad I put you in that position." But you're still not being honest. His lips form around the start of a syllable that seems intent to keep itself lodged in the back of his throat.
"And I feel bad for feeling jealous." As if Rin needs more guilt. Ai has half a wish that Rin cares so little he doesn't have it in him to even feel guilty. "But that's on me."
There's certain things now, being out in the open, that change things. It's not something that Rin is creeped out by or thinks is wrong. It's not something to side step or tip toe, maybe just something to be considerate of. Which Rin is... notoriously bad at sometimes. Guilt lodges itself in his throat, and he stares at the wall.
"Ai," He starts, unsure of how to spin this. Because there's really no way to deflect or room to grow aggressive over it. It's not fair. He swallows, his face feels hot with shame.
"I'm sorry." Is there anything else he can really say to that? Except he hurriedly tacks on "It's not your fault. I could have just gone back home, or stuck it out at Sousuke's." Except Rin knows he couldn't have. Not with that newfound knowledge that's still eating at him. It feels a bit like he can't have friends that don't want to get into his pants. One is fair. Two is coincidence. Three is awkward. Four is downright cruel. His fingers tighten around his wrist, that grounding pressure.
"You can...feel what you want you know." Not like Ai needs Rin's permission, but he wants to toss it out there anyways. "It's not going to make me upset. Mad, sad, don't believe me--whatever."
It's a new feeling. Molten wax poured over his skin and ripped back up. Turns out, Ai was still only human, and inferred rejection made manifest still hurts. And worse than that is the new knowledge that he's put Rin on the backfoot. Rin, who even at his lowest had moments of consideration. Who always, always looked after his friends, who carried such a strong well of emotion inside of him-- Ai was an idiot for thinking for even a second Rin would feel anything but guilty.
Nothing good happens when it comes from me. It hurts him; it hurts Rin. Right there in the mouth of his apartment, phone clutched white-knuckled in his hands, Ai resolves to close the cage and lock it again. This isn't tenable; it isn't fair. If he knew the thoughts currently cycling through Rin's head, Ai may have even ejected himself out of his own apartment and handed Rin the key.
It's like a switch is flipped, and that familiar reassuring yet somewhat hollow smile plasters itself just barely to the corners of his lips. It's enough. No more.
"And anyway, it's not important. If you sit there sopping wet for a minute longer, you'll catch a cold."
It somehow feels like being back at square one all of a sudden.
Something in the room shifts. And with it, something in Rin sinks. Enough to make him shift a little further against the wall, like it might swallow him whole. It's one thing to try to be considerate after a monumental fuckup. It's another thing entirely to actually stick the landing when you've shattered things so irreparably.
That hollow look. The empty smile, that feels like it's been pressed on with superglue. Rin's gaze turns miserable, but he does what he can to try to match it with a soft smile of his own; fake as it may be.
"Ah. Yeah."
He tries plastering on that warm grin, but it feels as fake as everything else right now. He shrugs his sopping jacket off, hanging it up and retreats to his bag for a much needed change of clothes. Rin is not a diva by any means [lol ok] but having worn the same clothes for days is disgusting. And he really shouldn't say no to a shower.
"Would serve me right." He laughs softly, pulling out a t shirt, and some sleep pants with a pair of boxers hastily stuffed between them--like underwear is something to be ashamed of all of a sudden--before he pauses. The apologies feel emptier and emptier, the more he has to reiterate them.
"For what it's worth... you're allowed to take up as much space as you give to others."
He's stuck enough in his own head that he forgets his rudiments. Had perhaps spent too much time the past four days playing over he and Rin's argument in his head, on repeat like a broken disc. Had forgotten that Rin is perceptive, scented to blood the moment it blooms in water. And when Rin cares, it's a dangerous, unwavering thing.
Ai doesn't know how to fix any of it. How to make it so things could just be normal, even a little bit. Evidently, retreating was not the answer; it only made sense Rin would give chase. He was competitive like that. It leaves him frustrated. If he thinks on it even harder, he and Rin had never fought like that before; stubbornly, Ai acquiesces to himself that it's only natural for things to feel this stiff and off after such an ordeal. If he really, really looks inward, what he's reacting to most isn't even Rin. It's just himself. The plain, bare acknowledgment that he has changed, and doesn't know how to move forward through uncharted waters. How to navigate a wall that seems so insurmountable.
Rin shucks off his jacket and Ai can't help the way he flicks a glance in his direction. Has to see the evidence for himself. He doesn't have it in him to be hurt, dodging the gut churning anxiety he'd felt just a minute ago. It's as if he's already resigned. I should have left more is his first thought. Pinches his brows as he turns around to walk in to the apartment. Would he let me now? I doubt it. Pathetic rumination, and it's with an overly dramatic sigh that Ai flops into the far corner of the couch, close enough to Rin if he chose to engage and chit-chat, but far enough away to grant him space and privacy while he changed - and the option to disengage entirely. Speaking of taking up space--
"Senpai, I have no idea what that's supposed to mean." His voice is organically a little frustrated, a little exasperated, and yet the tail end of a lilt. It's familiar. He sits low, tucked into the armrest, head lolled over it with his legs crossed in front of him to minimize his footprint on the sofa. Pauses a moment before lifting his head to look at Rin, almost deadpan. "You shouldn't invite trouble."
It's harder to shove away the frown that threatens to creep over him.
He knows there's a shift in the atmosphere of this place. Whether it's from the raw fucking on his futon, the angry words in the shower or Ai's gaze drifting to his neck suspiciously, hard to say. But Rin knows he's the root of all evil here, and he tries to minimize his impact so much it's painfully obvious. Meticulous in putting his things where they below, toeing around the apartment like he's an apparition of some kind.
All the while his gaze keeps shifting to Ai, claiming a spot on the couch quietly. Until it's not quiet anymore, and Rin has to rummage around in his brain for any semblance of an answer. What does he mean by that? There's exasperation fresh in Ai's voice, and it throws Rin off guard. He tenses up.
"Uh." An excellent way to start an answer to a direct question. "Invite-- what?" He dares to venture, standing behind the couch, his clothing tight in his arms. That gaze makes him take a step back, that tiny frown finally curling over his features. One born more out of confusion than frustration or anger.
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Date: 2025-07-25 03:47 am (UTC)"You're not some fucking saint." His voice cracks, he's running out of argument. Running out of ways to spin this in his favor, but Ai is persistently stubborn. And still right fucking here. His voice turns frantic, Ai looks too much like somebody who cares, and Rin can't stand it.
"Good for you. You fucking stayed." It's a lame ass argument. He's grasping at straws. All he can do is try to tack something more appropriate on. "Watched me make a fool of myself. You were always there. Out of everyone else."
Still. Rin's something more akin to a cornered dog, baring his teeth, lashing and snapping out in some attempts to give himself space.
"Maybe you should have said something when I wanted someone to, ever think of that? Not when I'm losing my mind?" Rin barks out, a sobbing laugh ripping out of him. But then Ai fucking apologizes. Sorry. And Rin wants to scream. He wants to rip his hair out, because that's not at all what he wants.
Why? Why can't people just fucking leave well enough alone? Why is Ai like this?? He's the one apologizing. For all of this, out of all people. Rin chokes out a sob, slamming his fist against the tile wall. The sting is a small relief, the only thing he has in this mess.
"Why? Why do you want to stay??"
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Date: 2025-07-25 03:59 am (UTC)"You never asked." And why would he? Rin always had his sights on someone else. He never had an incentive to know, such was Ai's measure. A sudden confession from his roommate, or his third-best-friend wouldn't have changed a damn thing. Might've only cornered Rin, maybe even made him feel gross. Estranged their relationship, lengthening the miles between them.
Why? Why do you want to stay??
His eyebrows knit for a moment, but then there's a modicum of peace that crosses his countenance - as if for the first time since they started yelling and arguing, he's had a thought of pure clarity. Something so simple it may as well be banal. The sky is blue, the ocean is vast, the birds sing--
"Because I've always admired you."
He finally does smile, watery as it is. "And because you're my friend. It really is as simple as that."
no subject
Date: 2025-07-25 04:26 am (UTC)The words throb in his head. A dull echo pounding alongside the migraine that's already beginning to blossom. Everything else loses touch with reality. His retort at not needing to ask, because they're friends goddamnit and Ai should trust him-
It's deadly silent. Only the water crashing down around them any indication of life. Because suddenly, Rin is 17 again, back to back with his best friend and all he can hear is the hum of a fan and the crack in his voice. "I've always admired you. From the day we met..." And here Ai is. Feeding him the same goddamn line.
The universe hates him. Just a cosmic joke.
His voice is ragged when it finally slips free. "Don't--don't say that." It's frantic. "Jesus christ. You too?? Is that the script everyone's passing around now?" Finally Rin begins to step towards the door, panic fluttering in his gaze. The crocodile tears are back in full force now, all out on display.
"You didn't tell me because you didn't want to burden me? That it, right? Fuck you."
He swipes a hand through his hair, tearing at the seams, fumbling around for his tank top forgotten in the corner. His jaw is clenching so tight, it aches. The silence is too much, too final. Too heavy. Rin sinks his teeth into his lip as he pulls the stained clothing back on with hardly a grimace.
But Rin is taking even a moment of silence as finality right now, and he fumbles for the door. He needs to get out. It's too much. He casts a look at Ai, feeling the blood well from his lip.
"I-- I need to go. I'm sorry." He doesn't comment where, he hasn't gotten that far yet. All he knows is he's a parasite here. This is Ai's home and he's fucking sullied it. Selfishly taken up residency like a goddamn cockroach. Made his neighbor's probably hate him between the books, the fucking and the screaming in the middle of the night. Rin doesn't even care that it's still a fucking monsoon ouside.
Because he's just grabbing his phone, shoving the remainder of his clothes on and veering out the door like he's just been burned. But he's considerate in one thing at least, and doesn't slam the door behind him. He's already caused enough damage for one night. For a lifetime.
no subject
Date: 2025-07-25 06:01 am (UTC)That it, right? Fuck you. It's all he can do to stare. Rin had the right of it this time - nuances be damned. Before he can even open his mouth to try and form words, Rin's already made up his mind. He's moving, picking up his stuff. Ai wonders if the apology is more for Rin or for himself as Rin books it out the door.
It comes in waves. Grief, agony, confusion, regret. Perhaps it's a blessing Rin's taken off, he isn't around to hear the guttural sobbing Ai looses amidst the shower room, water now running cold.
When he finally collects himself enough to exit into the apartment, he isn't sure what to think at seeing that Rin's bag is still there. Relief at first. Despite everything, Ai still wanted this to be the place Rin would return. Even if it meant difficult conversations and new normals. His chest feels so heavy, but this is some amount of reprieve.
The rest is a bit of a blur, his head pounding from the yelling, the tears shed, having been under the water for so long-- he is certain his neighbours are going to issue a noise complaint tomorrow. He cleans up the kitchen, careful not to nick himself on the shattered porcelain. Places the abandoned mug in the sink. Takes off Rin's sheets and lays out a fresh set for him.
He lays down on his bed, on top of the covers. Back turned to the apartment, staring blearily at the curtained window, listening to the harsh batter of the rain against the glass. He wants to make sure Rin is alright, but knows he needs space - Ai isn't foolish enough to run out for him. So he waits. Eyes closed, despite sleep being a long gone conclusion.
no subject
Date: 2025-07-25 10:57 am (UTC)Rin goes to Sousuke's first. Showing up on his doorstep in the middle of a storm, shaking and sobbing for a multitude of reasons. It only makes his friend's eyes widen, as he yanks him inside. It's some small blessing his brother isn't there to see him in such a humiliating state. It's bad enough Sousuke had to see it. His neck marred, soaking wet, barely able to stand from the night's activities and Rin's own inner turmoil. All while sobs continue to spill in half coherent chokes.
It doesn't last more than two days, however.
Because Sousuke doesn't press the first twenty four hours. He makes his bed up for Rin, and just lets him sob himself to sleep. He knows Rin gets nightmares in this weather, but he's not stupid either. And so Rin blankly sleeps for the next ten hours. It's awkward when he awakens, and Sousuke is sitting right there at his desk like he never moved at all. But a few hours later, he finally presses.
"You look like shit."
And something in Rin jolts, and they do what they do best after another day of awkwardly skirting around it. Fight it out, until Rin is storming out. Because he knows Sousuke is right. He's not going to hold back, and he doesn't. There's some panicked confusion in Rin's voice when the accusatory words slip out. The 'why did you never tell me's. And Sousuke stays stoic as he can through that argument. Fuck, did everyone know about how Ai feels except Rin himself?
But then Sousuke just gets this sad smile, and something in Rin is gutted. Because his retort is quiet. "How could someone not feel that way?" And Rin isn't fucking ready for this conversation either, because he knows exactly what that soft smile entails, that miserable glaze hovering over his eyes.
And so Rin leaves Sousuke's in that similar fashion.
His phone has long since died. Not that he wants to look at whoever is texting him anyways. He wants to go home. Rin just wants to curl up against his mom on the couch, but she doesn't even know he's back in the country and trekking all the way home looking like this isn't what a good son does.
So Rin does something he's not necessarily proud of for the next two nights.
But night four, he comes back because there's no running from this forever. He's surprised his key still works, truth be told. The smile on his face is a bitter thing, upon the realization. Maybe it's more self sabotaging than anything as he limps through the genkan, slipping off his shoes as quietly as possible. There's dark bags under his eyes, his jacket pulled up; a miserable shielding of the black and blue coating his neck like a scarf. Intensified from whatever Ai left the other night. Deep and smeared.
He can't even bring himself to look into the apartment at first, too miserable to see what mess might still linger. Just staring blankly down at himself. He has a small bag, some stupid sort of peace offering. An olive branch. It's just one of Ai's favorite drinks. Stupid in the grand scheme of things, but.
no subject
Date: 2025-07-25 02:37 pm (UTC)By day two, he starts worrying. Feels stuck and beside himself. His instinct is to reach out to Sousuke; Ai would have bet Rin had contacted him by now. Haruka was out of the question, which also put Makoto out of the question, and Ai knows both Nagisa and Rei are too far for Rin to consider bunking with, even temporarily. It was triangulation... But if he's there, it's because he's trying to outrun me. If I call, I only make it worse. Never mind touching upon that which he and Sousuke had sought for solace in one another. Ai doesn't think he could ever forgive himself for accidentally putting that on full display to Sousuke now, in the form of a miserable Matsuoka with the bite marks to prove it.
Day three is when he starts sending texts. He wants to trust Rin, and so they aren't panicked - try not to be. Don't beg him either. But on the off chance Rin still had service or didn't outright block him, Ai did what he could to make it evident Rin still had a space.
Are you alright?
There's discounts on gyuudon today.
I think you left your charger.
Please be careful. There's high winds today.
Day four is when the panic manifests. Not only out of human worry for Rin, who is god knows where in Tokyo at the moment, and Ai too afraid to text their only probable mutual friend to know for sure. But for his future; the All Japan was right around the corner. After this entire ordeal, would Rin even be fit to compete? Ai himself had qualified, but was definitely not making any cuts this time around either. A foregone conclusion the moment Rin had dragged him by the collar and kissed him. Ai is a mental wreck at the idea that he might be partially responsible for neglecting Rin the chance to chase his dream fully.
He's gone to work; he's gone to classes; he's swam. Worked out, fed himself, showered. Went on as normally as he could. But every single evening he returns to his apartment, it is as if a bellowing yawn is waiting for an opportunity to swallow him whole.
He is trying - and failing - to go over some study work when he hears the front door unlock. Ai swivels in his chair, line of sight pinning directly across the apartment and on crestfallen red hair. Ai jolts up to his feet, about to run the length of his apartment to Rin-- but pauses. Suddenly is painfully aware of the miles and miles and miles between them. His hand grips the edge of his desk, white-knuckled...
But his eyes are blown wide, glassy with utter relief. Of the maelstrom swirling in his chest, this is the most poignant feeling. His chest rises and falls heavily.
"W--," he begins. Stops. Then commits, "Welcome home."
no subject
Date: 2025-07-25 02:54 pm (UTC)He hates feeling like he's disturbed the very space he dares to occupy, even just by standing.
"I--" Rin falters. He stares at the floor, before forcing himself to move across the small space. It's only to shove the bag into Ai's arms and step back towards the doorway. Like he isn't sure if he belongs here anymore. Home. His stomach lurches. Rin shifts a little, leaning back against the wall near the door. His jacket sticks to his skin, his hair dripping.
Everything looks normal. There's no shattered porcelain, or messed up sheets. Everything looks... normal. Rin swallows around nothing. There's a part of him that just wants to crawl against the futon without another word. But that's the coward's way. And he's been so much of that recently. With everyone. He goes back to grabbing his own wrist, the pressure a nice grounding through this whole mess. He's exhausted. The last time he got any decent rest was at Sousuke's. And before that it was night after night of none through the storms.
His neck aches. His body is stiff. But that fear of occupying space leaks back into him. He's stiff from where he stands. Until finally, Rin tries speaking again.
"...I'm sorry."
no subject
Date: 2025-07-25 03:28 pm (UTC)He watches with that same wide-eyed stare as Rin crosses the space with such speed the floor may as well be made of tacks, shoves a bag in Ai's hand, and then retreats back to the mouth of the studio.
Ai isn't so sure what to do next. What he wants to do differs from when he knows he should do, and both differ from his instinct. He peeks inside the bag - a lemon tea, one of his favourites. The way his chest suddenly feels as if it's about to burst is in and of itself a betrayal, but god damnit, he can't help the way his mouth tries to smile against his cheeks. Not because Rin remembered, or because it's his favourite - but because Rin's trying. It was the little bit Ai needed to feel as if not everything had been lost.
Rather than overthink them both into another argument, Ai decides to lean fully into his intuition. There was nothing to hide anymore - was his rationale. So he takes the lemon tea out of the bag and crosses about half-way over toward Rin, near to his futon. Looks to him with a gentle shake of his head. I forgive you. But if Rin knows Ai, he knows that forgiveness is implicit. I'm sorry, too. Ai swallows down his running thoughts to maintain his composure, eyes flitting over Rin's form to take him in gently.
"It's okay." It's said almost hushed; loud enough to make sure Rin registers, quiet enough that Ai can move past it quickly. He's leaning forward a little then, as if wanting to step closer but not quite having the courage at first. Then, suddenly, decides he's done holding back for Rin's sake; that's half of the reason they've gotten to this point. So he steps closer, just barely in Rin's space, an arm's length away. Ai tries to find his eyes.
"Are you alright?" he doesn't mean emotionally, not that he'd expect Rin to reply as such anyway; he's worried about Rin's condition. Four days is a long time to be a vagabond. "Have you eaten? You're soaking wet..." I missed you. I missed you. I missed you.
no subject
Date: 2025-07-25 03:38 pm (UTC)But he doesn't flinch when Ai encroaches on his space. He just doesn't know what to do with it. He looks a little surprised at the proximity. Because at the end of the day, Rin didn't say anything back. Because he doesn't know what to say. He's not sure he even deserves the look that crosses Ai's gaze when he brims with recognition at the tea of all things.
"I'm alright." He lies first, because that instinct wins out the aggression for once. He lets his gaze drift back to the floor, rocking back on his heels.
"Yeah. I ate." He doesn't go into detail about the abysmal amount he's eaten, or what specifically. But that isn't a lie at least. Rin shifts again. "It's just raining again." He flinches under the implication that he was out in storms at all, when Ai knows damn well how his psyche cracks under it. But he tries to brush that subject aside, because isn't that what started this whole mess to begin with?
It's precarious, the way he lingers there. Ai's kindness is undoing him in real time, and it's a terrifying prospect. "I'm sorry for the shit I said. I'm really sorry."
no subject
Date: 2025-07-25 04:03 pm (UTC)The ugly truth is that it all still hurt. Both the things Rin said and didn't say. Ai still wears those wounds and didn't do enough to dress them appropriately, leaving him every bit as raw as the man currently apologizing to him again. But this, too, Ai internalizes as his own fault. If he hadn't caught feelings; if he'd kept his mouth shut. If he'd been a better friend, been more present, been something better than he is. But Ai knows grief is a process, and it starts like this.
He hesitates for a moment before closing the space between them, arms enveloping Rin in an embrace. Timid at first, and then vicelike in how closely he holds Rin against his chest, Ai's knuckles furling against the back of Rin's rain-sopped clothes. Shoulders stiffen and expression twisting with all his relief, all his eagerness to move through this, burying his face in the side of Rin's neck to conceal it.
"It's okay," he repeats. And then says it explicitly to make sure Rin gets it, "I forgive you." Grips him a little tighter. "I'm glad you came back."
no subject
Date: 2025-07-25 04:14 pm (UTC)Friendship is a funny thing. Relations with anyone, really.
At a biological level, it serves the purpose of survival. But then humans had to go and develop things like sentience, conscious. And those things intensified. Catching feelings, fighting, loving like hell, hating each other silly. It all just turned into a part of the human experience. Rin can't help the tears that spill over, biting his lip.
The last week has been miserable. But he's trying to be considerate, remembering how much worse it must have been for Ai. Being outed, thinking someone he's loved like hell for years hates him, being walked out on, screamed at, manhandled. Rin tries to be sympathetic. In his exhaustion, he can only wrap one arm around Ai's shoulders, but it's enough.
It's not fair he's put his own shit on Ai.
"You shouldn't." He laughs out bitterly. You shouldn't forgive me. Hoarse, almost entirely inaudible. He doesn't move, absolute terror flooding through him that the slightest motion will only set forth whatever had transpired previously. He tries to steady himself, deep breaths. In. Out.
He doesn't give two fucks how Ai feels. Their friendship has stood through it. Even through Rin goading Ai into fucking him so cruelly. Twisting his words. Rin winces again at the thought of Sousuke, and that whole other fucking mess waiting for him at one point or another.
no subject
Date: 2025-07-25 04:41 pm (UTC)Holding Rin close serves its purpose, but Rin's stiff reciprocation soon settles into Ai coldly; he has his limits, and he isn't eager to chase Rin right back out the door. Slowly and maybe a bit hesitantly he finally lets go, stepping back to give Rin room. Ai presses a pinky to the inner corner of his eye - he felt the sting, but won't make a mess of himself this time around.
The last time silence fell, Rin bolted. Ai is scared of that happening again, and so nearly opens his mouth to start filling the space. To say shit that doesn't actually help. Except the words don't come. He swallows thick, instead; eyes down at the tea in his hand.
Decides he can be just a little stronger.
"In case I didn't make it clear," he begins, voice gentle and maybe just a little tired, "I don't mind you staying here." Shakes his head, "I'd like for you to stay. It's your space, too." His thumb absently pads over the label on the bottle. "For as long as you need to."
no subject
Date: 2025-07-25 04:51 pm (UTC)It's a complicated gratitude. Ai steps back awkwardly, and Rin tenses up. He thinks he's messed something up again, Ai is disgusted by his neck, his fucking disheveled state, and he grabs at Ai's wrist unconsciously. Only to drop it immediately after, a well of panic fluttering in him at initiating his normally carefree touch. He doesn't want to...
"Sorry." He doesn't even know what he's apologizing for anymore. Ai initiated the touch first. Rin just feels like he broke it. A broken record, sorry being the star of the album. He tries to hang onto the other words instead, trying to fill the silence.
"Thanks." He settles on that. It seems appropriate, more so than whatever slew of words he could lavish onto Ai which could lead just into more misunderstandings, or terse situations. Rin laughs a little, pulling himself off the wall, rubbing the back of his neck.
"Uh, my phones dead... could you just. Let Sousuke know I'm back here?" He doesn't really want to talk to Sousuke right now. That's a whole other can of worms. "I don't need him calling the cops or something for going awol."
no subject
Date: 2025-07-25 05:12 pm (UTC)His smile is lopsided, but genuine, and a little apologetic. Ai decides for just a moment to cup the side of Rin's jaw; tenderly stroke his cheek with his thumb. Just regards him, softly. No malice. Letting Rin, for that moment, look right into him to see the depths if he wanted to.
Then Rin talks pragmatic, and Ai rescinds his hand again, the bottle of tea almost like a lifeline for his anxious body. He swallows at the mention of Sousuke; seems his gut had been right on. He looks to Rin once before padding across the apartment to go and grab his own phone.
"Sure." It's on his desk, plugged into the wall, so Ai takes it off the charger. Places the bottle down to be able to handle his phone, scrolling to Sousuke's contact, doing as asked. Walks slowly back toward the center of the apartment, toward Rin... Pauses to look up at him, eyebrows knit.
"Does he know?" About us? A pretty dumb question, but. Ai needs to know exactly how much he'll have to grovel later. Before Rin can get any ideas, Ai clarifies, "Not that I mind. But if he does, I know he'll have questions." Sousuke had been the only person Ai ever confided in about his feelings, only made easy because their irreciprocity was mutual. He had gotten the impression Sousuke had gotten over himself, but who's to say what a bitten up, miserable Rin showing up on his doorstep might've unearthed?
no subject
Date: 2025-07-25 05:22 pm (UTC)"It's not like--yeah he knows, but." Rin scrambles for the right phrasing. There's no way to really make any of this look good. So he swallows and tries to settle on the lesser of two evils.
"We got into it, and I left after the first night. That's it, I swear." He realizes that makes it sound even worse. Rin tries to clarify, running one hand up to tug at his hair, the sting keeping him there. "He knows all he needs to. I mean. You guys can talk about it, that's not--" Shit he's doing it again. He tries to take a deep breath in.
"I'm not saying you can't if he has questions. Sorry."
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Date: 2025-07-25 05:34 pm (UTC)It's a lilted noise, airy and a bit hoarse. Looks at Rin apologetically through crinkled eyes because Ai is very much laughing at him right now, something between a titter and a chuckle.
"Senpai, it's okay. I promise I won't bite." He can tell Rin's developed some sensitivities... It hurts Ai to know that he's become a landmine, but he's confident he and Rin can work through it together. The best way to start is by trying to be the level of candid he wishes Rin would be with him, even if it's difficult.
"I trust you, and I trust him."
But Rin says something.
And in what he doesn't say, Ai's mind tries filling in the blanks. It makes his BPM spike irrationally, a thick green wave threatening to overtake him-- and then he wills himself to be just a little stronger.
"If you left, where else have you been?" The idea of Rin just being-- out doesn't occur to Ai. In all his selfishness, his brain leaps to Rin having finally sought out Haruka. Ai needs to hear it for himself.
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Date: 2025-07-26 12:51 am (UTC)He doesn't answer right away, mouth agape like he's clambering over words. The laugh that trickles after is low and humorless. He scratches the back of his neck a bit. He tugs at his collar self consciously.
"Just. With some guy I used to know."
There's no pride or sneer in it, like how he threw Sousuke and Haru's name around a few days ago. But he's still not able to look at Ai.
"Has a couch. I just needed somewhere to sleep."
Rin's guilt ridden. It's easy when you hate yourself, and are riled up from two fights with close friends and being dumped by another prior, to slip into self deprecation. But he quickly tacks on, because he's really not beating these slut allegations right now--
"We didn't-- he just. Really likes to bite when he's trashed. Like a lot." It's easy to offer up your mouth and neck as payment for a place to sleep and somebody completely unaffiliated to either party. Or parties. And maybe Rin partook in a few too many too, and he wishes he hadn't but. What's done is done.
It would have been easy to go to Haru. Rin almost wishes he had. But that would have required spilling everything that happened and Rin is a downright coward. Telling Sousuke was bad enough. But Haru?
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Date: 2025-07-26 01:20 am (UTC)Ai can't pinpoint the sensation that itches in his chest. Not quite jealousy, not quite frustration. Rooted in something more symbiotic - a worry. But not quite. Ai realizes then what he feels is some level of distrust. A worry that Rin isn't telling a whole truth; a worry Rin's put himself in harm's way and lying about it. That he was self-flagellating and is obfuscating it. But Ai can't be sure, and he'd be wrong to judge transgressions, even if the way Rin's been rubbing at and minding his neck this entire time suddenly makes sense, and makes a pit form in his stomach.
He didn't really put much thought into marking Rin, when he did. Wanted to, clearly, but didn't expect it to last. Yet the thought of it being covered up by someone else entirely makes his stomach sink. The idea Rin felt he had to in order to guarantee a roof over his head after a stint outside caused by Ai makes that knot twist tighter.
"I'm," Ai begins, forcefully covering up the selfish and untoward scorn with the deeper well of concern he feels on his countenance, "Very, very glad you're safe." His hand tightens around his phone, held still in front of him before his hand falls to his side. "And I'm sorry what happened led to that recourse... You shouldn't have been made to feel you had to leave in the first place. To Sousuke-senpai's or otherwise."
When he can even be outpaced by a stranger. That Rin felt safer prostrating in exchange for a couch to crash on than he did staying here. It mollywops Ai's psyche, and it's all he can do not to focus on it too much because he knows ultimately it isn't important. Even worse still, there is a sick part of him that is glad it wasn't Haruka after all.
"You must feel exhausted. Look at you," Ai beckons, "All that and you came in the rain, too." Ai shakes his head softly, minds himself as best he can. "Go take a bath? I can get your clothes in the dryer." Normalcy. He's trying so hard, even if he knows he's not really fooling either of them right now. But he has learned that his earnest has consequences, and isn't eager to stoke a second walk-out.
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Date: 2025-07-26 02:04 am (UTC)It wouldn't be wrong for Ai to assume the worst. Rin is an asshole, and untrustworthy with certain things. Keeping his temper in check around them, for sure. His gaze flickers over Ai's. Tiredness. Shame. There's some core need to be understood, but he understands if that's not something Ai can jive with any longer. Or ever again.
He ignores the offer for help momentarily, shifting back a little, shoving his hands into his pockets. It's easy to make yourself appear small. He knows something is troubling Ai, but he has no right to dig in and pry. Has no right to ask why. So all he can do is meekly try something else.
"...did I do something wrong?"
Rin ventures; a bold move. He's done a lot wrong. But something about how Ai reacted to the possibility of Rin being somewhere else, with someone else, tugs at him strangely.
"I'm sorry. You can be pissed. I'm just sorry if I made you pissed off."
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Date: 2025-07-26 02:17 am (UTC)When last had he given Rin a reason to even need to be introspective? First year, he thinks. Rin had barked and Ai barked back and it was one of only a handful of times he had seen Rin so thoroughly disarmed. This time it's different. This time it's because Ai is a walking glass case, transparent, and he can't even do himself the favour of trying to keep a lid on it anymore, let alone doing it for Rin.
He supposes, in hindsight, this is perhaps the worst part of it all being in the open. When he had everything to lose, he had more motivation to keep it all in check. Tightly filtered expressions, carefully chosen words. A perfect lie - and a miracle, at that, for someone who was so fundamentally bad at being anything but forthright. But now the guise is over, and with it so is Ai's tightly held control. The consequence of that is letting things bleed through for all to see - Rin included.
Shame crawls up his spine and sits heavily on the back of his tongue. He'd take being rejected or called by someone else's name in bed a thousand times over if it meant he never had to feel this pathetic and vulnerable again.
"No, you did what you had to," he answers honestly, at first staring down at the floor but then looking at Rin with crinkled eyes and a simper, bittersweet. "It's me. I feel bad I put you in that position." But you're still not being honest. His lips form around the start of a syllable that seems intent to keep itself lodged in the back of his throat.
"And I feel bad for feeling jealous." As if Rin needs more guilt. Ai has half a wish that Rin cares so little he doesn't have it in him to even feel guilty. "But that's on me."
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Date: 2025-07-26 12:19 pm (UTC)There's certain things now, being out in the open, that change things. It's not something that Rin is creeped out by or thinks is wrong. It's not something to side step or tip toe, maybe just something to be considerate of. Which Rin is... notoriously bad at sometimes. Guilt lodges itself in his throat, and he stares at the wall.
"Ai," He starts, unsure of how to spin this. Because there's really no way to deflect or room to grow aggressive over it. It's not fair. He swallows, his face feels hot with shame.
"I'm sorry." Is there anything else he can really say to that? Except he hurriedly tacks on "It's not your fault. I could have just gone back home, or stuck it out at Sousuke's." Except Rin knows he couldn't have. Not with that newfound knowledge that's still eating at him. It feels a bit like he can't have friends that don't want to get into his pants. One is fair. Two is coincidence. Three is awkward. Four is downright cruel. His fingers tighten around his wrist, that grounding pressure.
"You can...feel what you want you know." Not like Ai needs Rin's permission, but he wants to toss it out there anyways. "It's not going to make me upset. Mad, sad, don't believe me--whatever."
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Date: 2025-07-26 12:48 pm (UTC)"But it just did, senpai."
It's a new feeling. Molten wax poured over his skin and ripped back up. Turns out, Ai was still only human, and inferred rejection made manifest still hurts. And worse than that is the new knowledge that he's put Rin on the backfoot. Rin, who even at his lowest had moments of consideration. Who always, always looked after his friends, who carried such a strong well of emotion inside of him-- Ai was an idiot for thinking for even a second Rin would feel anything but guilty.
Nothing good happens when it comes from me. It hurts him; it hurts Rin. Right there in the mouth of his apartment, phone clutched white-knuckled in his hands, Ai resolves to close the cage and lock it again. This isn't tenable; it isn't fair. If he knew the thoughts currently cycling through Rin's head, Ai may have even ejected himself out of his own apartment and handed Rin the key.
It's like a switch is flipped, and that familiar reassuring yet somewhat hollow smile plasters itself just barely to the corners of his lips. It's enough. No more.
"And anyway, it's not important. If you sit there sopping wet for a minute longer, you'll catch a cold."
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Date: 2025-07-27 02:51 am (UTC)Something in the room shifts. And with it, something in Rin sinks. Enough to make him shift a little further against the wall, like it might swallow him whole. It's one thing to try to be considerate after a monumental fuckup. It's another thing entirely to actually stick the landing when you've shattered things so irreparably.
That hollow look. The empty smile, that feels like it's been pressed on with superglue. Rin's gaze turns miserable, but he does what he can to try to match it with a soft smile of his own; fake as it may be.
"Ah. Yeah."
He tries plastering on that warm grin, but it feels as fake as everything else right now. He shrugs his sopping jacket off, hanging it up and retreats to his bag for a much needed change of clothes. Rin is not a diva by any means [lol ok] but having worn the same clothes for days is disgusting. And he really shouldn't say no to a shower.
"Would serve me right." He laughs softly, pulling out a t shirt, and some sleep pants with a pair of boxers hastily stuffed between them--like underwear is something to be ashamed of all of a sudden--before he pauses. The apologies feel emptier and emptier, the more he has to reiterate them.
"For what it's worth... you're allowed to take up as much space as you give to others."
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Date: 2025-07-27 03:39 am (UTC)Ai doesn't know how to fix any of it. How to make it so things could just be normal, even a little bit. Evidently, retreating was not the answer; it only made sense Rin would give chase. He was competitive like that. It leaves him frustrated. If he thinks on it even harder, he and Rin had never fought like that before; stubbornly, Ai acquiesces to himself that it's only natural for things to feel this stiff and off after such an ordeal. If he really, really looks inward, what he's reacting to most isn't even Rin. It's just himself. The plain, bare acknowledgment that he has changed, and doesn't know how to move forward through uncharted waters. How to navigate a wall that seems so insurmountable.
Rin shucks off his jacket and Ai can't help the way he flicks a glance in his direction. Has to see the evidence for himself. He doesn't have it in him to be hurt, dodging the gut churning anxiety he'd felt just a minute ago. It's as if he's already resigned. I should have left more is his first thought. Pinches his brows as he turns around to walk in to the apartment. Would he let me now? I doubt it. Pathetic rumination, and it's with an overly dramatic sigh that Ai flops into the far corner of the couch, close enough to Rin if he chose to engage and chit-chat, but far enough away to grant him space and privacy while he changed - and the option to disengage entirely. Speaking of taking up space--
"Senpai, I have no idea what that's supposed to mean." His voice is organically a little frustrated, a little exasperated, and yet the tail end of a lilt. It's familiar. He sits low, tucked into the armrest, head lolled over it with his legs crossed in front of him to minimize his footprint on the sofa. Pauses a moment before lifting his head to look at Rin, almost deadpan. "You shouldn't invite trouble."
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Date: 2025-07-27 04:12 am (UTC)It's harder to shove away the frown that threatens to creep over him.
He knows there's a shift in the atmosphere of this place. Whether it's from the raw fucking on his futon, the angry words in the shower or Ai's gaze drifting to his neck suspiciously, hard to say. But Rin knows he's the root of all evil here, and he tries to minimize his impact so much it's painfully obvious. Meticulous in putting his things where they below, toeing around the apartment like he's an apparition of some kind.
All the while his gaze keeps shifting to Ai, claiming a spot on the couch quietly. Until it's not quiet anymore, and Rin has to rummage around in his brain for any semblance of an answer. What does he mean by that? There's exasperation fresh in Ai's voice, and it throws Rin off guard. He tenses up.
"Uh." An excellent way to start an answer to a direct question. "Invite-- what?" He dares to venture, standing behind the couch, his clothing tight in his arms. That gaze makes him take a step back, that tiny frown finally curling over his features. One born more out of confusion than frustration or anger.
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