[Ai scratches his cheek again, something of a nervous habit,] Ah, I wouldn't go that far... They're great guys, but I don't think they follow sports very closely.
[It feels like a rarity nowadays to catch Rin reminiscing, let alone fondly. It's the undercurrent of passion Ai can identify readily - the very same that had infected and permeated the air yesterday during the better half of their morning and afternoon at the All-Japan. It's immediately infectious, causing Ai's face to bisect with a wide smile.
Double or triple occupancy, huh? And pulled from a lottery of names. Ai likes to think himself as someone who is easy to get along with, so he's not too worried; rather, the idea of rooming without Rin leaves him canting his head. What can you do? It's no good to feel entitled to such a thing, anyway. Ai pulls out his desk chair, but rolls it a little closer to the center of the living space, sitting in it backwards with his arms crossed over the top.]
So it really is like what you read about in the books. [And what he's heard about from Sousuke, Seijuuro...] Hating someone that much for a room change, though... That's pretty bad, isn't it? They're still your teammate.
[For a moment, he chews his bottom lip. Considers, weighs. Then asks,]
Please. Any business is happy to tout they have an employee on the olympics team.
[last year was such a blur. moping over the loss of whatever he and haru have? had?? coming back together. all of them being under makoto and nao's guidance. freaking the fuck out over haru's whatever health crisis. it was a wild time. but winning gold? now that's something special. maybe that's when his smile turns fond]
...it's when I finally realized my dream? It was happening.
[yesterday solidified it. but. even his bronze was a huge accomplishment. but maybe gold felt the best because of the teamwork behind all of it. rin folds his arms on the counter, leaning his head there for a moment, watching ai traverse across the same space and casually take up space on his chair similarly]
I think I was too much in a tizzy over everything else going on to have any real fun.
[what a lame admission. rin tosses a smirk towards ai, shifting his gaze a bit]
Any planned stories for you? Or are you just going to focus on petting all the fancy dogs?
[... my dream? it was happening. It is so incredibly hard for Ai's expression not to be immediately overtaken by something-- fond undersells it. It's an ardor, fervent and hot and so painfully, viscerally proud. As if every single complicated and tangled ounce of how he considers Matsuoka Rin could be so perfectly encapsulated by something so simple: Rin met his goals, and that makes Ai extraordinarily happy.
More than that... The idea that this time around, it might be him too on that same stage? He wouldn't have a way to explain why there are suddenly butterflies in his chest; it's all Ai can do to bite his bottom lip and bury the bottom half of his face behind his arms.]
It was your first international competition, I wouldn't blame you for only focusing on the obvious. Athens will probably be the exact same for all of us.
[Us. Us! Ai hadn't been able to admit it to himself at All-Japan yesterday; could barely squeak it out to his parents on the phone. Lost the breath for it this morning amidst the whirlwind they had to endure together. But finally, it can coat his tongue and he can actually taste it. He bites his knuckle.
Stays just like that as Rin returns the question, and Ai smiles around his digit, before lolling his cheek against his palm.]
How could I plan a story? And besides, we're only talking training camps. [He rolls his eyes down to the floor in thought.]
What would I do... It's hard to say... That's lame, isn't it? I'll be honest, it still doesn't feel real. It probably won't hit me until we're there. All I can think about is you and the water. [If he had offered clarification, he'd specify because of this mess we're in, so as not to put Rin on the back foot. But... Maybe just this once, siphoning himself isn't necessary.]
[Athens. all of them nestled together in the foothills of greece. something about the prospect has his heart thumping in his chest. training camps will be something, sure. brutally hard work. the opportunity to intensify bonds, test their limits. but when they're finally there? at the top? there's no holding back the well of emotions rin is feeling]
Your story is whatever you want it to be.
[he's swept back to the good parts of australia. not dwelling in the agony towards the end. a finality that seemed like the best idea at the close. is it still? what makes a dream truly yours? he looks over at ai, and smiles. is a story really so different? another page in the vastness of dreamland?]
S'not lame. [he reassures gruffly] Hard not to focus on those things. The things that shape you.
[he's not equating ai's words to something Bad. he's equating it to two teenage kids who shared brief words and exchanges about their future aspirations. while one was in turmoil, and one was falling in love. now that he knows, at least... rin shakes the thought from his head, and doesn't want to ruin the moment. even though he knows he should be playing damage control. it feels comfortable again. and he's always the one to ruin it. isn't he?]
Training camps are training camps, dummy. You're going to fucking Paris. [he laughs softly, teasing softly in turn] Just take it all in until we get there. It'll be here before you know it.
[he huffs, pulling away from the counter and really pulling out his phone this time]
Let me make some calls. Then how about we forget all the bad stuff and watch a bad movie?
[It probably wasn't Rin's intention, but there is just a poignancy about his words that deals critical damage to Ai's psyche. Not in a bad way-- but a large enough impact that he's rubbing at his mouth and all but gluing his eyes down onto the floor.
The things that shape you. Who's done that for him more than Rin? Both incidentally and purposely. Without Rin, Ai wouldn't have found his dream. Wouldn't have been able to pull out of himself the multitudes and depths of feelings he can't even begin to quantify. It's safe to say Rin's shaped his life so much that without him, it'd lack colour all together. He'll take all the bitter, angry reds and overwhelming, torrential blues and everything in between one-thousand times over before considering a lifetime where he couldn't have them at all.
Somewhere he recognizes Rin is giving him reassurances, but Ai is so singularly stuck on that phrase still. But also recognizes it's rude not to reply, and so he moves his hand from his mouth down to his jaw in order to do so somewhat belatedly,]
You almost make it sound like a threat, [he kids, shaking him out of the well of butterflies currently asphyxiating him. Let me make some calls. All at once, their wings cease, laid to rest somewhere in the bottom of Ai's stomach.
Lock and key, right. But, Ai blinks.]
Sure. If you pick the movie, I can get us a few drinks... Ah, but what about the pool, senpai? [Maybe it's for the best they didn't venture out so early - thought, there'd be nothing stopping them from a late night swim, either. Ai's access to his university's pool was in perpetuity. He sits up a bit straighter in his chair,] And... If you need me to talk to Mikhail-ojiisan too, let me know. Or-- whoever. If there's any way I can help.
We'll go later. [he reassures with a small wave, before slipping his shoes back on, and grabbing his cap, tugging it far down his face] I'll let you know.
[and with that, he lets the door behind him close with a click. he's already dialing mikhail, dimly aware his coach picks up on near the last ring with a humming tone. rin rolls his eyes, keeping an eye out on his surroundings and venturing out away from his usual jogging path. they start the conversation casually. mikhail asking if rin slept well last night, littering in a few details of the upcoming training camps and some other things he wanted rin to implement in the coming days. but then... things taper.
there's no denying the inevitable anymore unfortunately]
You listened to it, right? They're trying to fucking make it out like. Like I'm messing around with half the team!
[mikhail's words are anything but sympathetic. perhaps slightly reassuring. but rin doesn't need to be babied, and he's chosen mikhail specifically for his crass, even if his strangeness outweighs that sometimes.
"There is nothing, we both know it. Just smoke." rin doesn't like this answer. in fact he fucking hates it, because that's just it. there is things. even if it is nothing in the grand scheme...]
They're calling people! What am I supposed to do, huh??
["Don't look defensive. These people. They thrive on panic. You think like a strategist. Not a cornered animal." rin bites his lip, rounding a corner near the park, and pressing his hand against his forehead, a hushed tone overtaking him]
Easy for you to say. You already are the creep they're trying to make me out to be!
[mikhail ignores him. rin can almost hear his coach strumming his fingers along his jaw, contemplative evident in the way he hums. "Nanase. They may be looking at my nephew physically, but him well... they seem to be spinning some silly love triangle. You say there's nothing?"]
I didn't say that. But even if there was, it's none of their fucking business...
["Remember you're a public figure now. Take care to consider images athletes have to uphold. There's truly nothing between any of you?" .........rin shrinks under the implications. because he doesn't know, he doesn't know, he doesn't know. his fingers fly up to dig into his bangs, tugging them as he hisses against the speaker]
It doesn't matter.
["Exactly. But perhaps you shouldn't be so quick to deny either. The public likes a story, no? Romance it sells here. My nephew is a more complicated circumstance but... we all make mistakes right? People take breaks." rin doesn't like it. he doesn't like any of this. mikhail continues, however. "As for them speculating I coach you because of him.... how silly!" rin also doesn't like the tone, but. he doesn't push it because he's so swamped up in his own head]
...so do nothing. Pretend?? Feed them some stupid headline??!
["Almost. Better to let them speculate about something private than to tear apart someone else's reputation no?" that unfortunately makes the most sense. rin bites his lip, leaning against one of the trees in the park. it's quiet, there's nobody really around so he's not afraid to speak up just a little, still aware someone might be parading around somewhere that he can't discern]
So what. We make their story look childish?
["Exactly. They want scandal? We give them professionalism. Romance?" he snorts. "We laugh. Are we clear?" rin hesitates, letting the silence stretch for a moment before he nods like his coach could actually see it somehow]
Got it. Yeah.
[they cut their conversation short after a while, and when rin hangs up the phone, he drags his hand down his face, groaning. he texts ai a quick be there soon before he makes another call. he doesn't remember how long he was even on the phone with mikhail. long enough that the sky has changed, and his legs are aching. he stops at a cornermart first, texting ai another quick need anything? as his head pounds]
[Had Ai been privy to the phone conversation, he'd almost be gobsmacked that both he and his uncle reached the same ultimate conclusion: continue on as normal. Pretend there's nothing. Because there isn't. Evidence of something not important that Ai could swing a million ways if pressed on it directly.
Unfortunately for him, he has not a single damn clue what all transpires between (he assumes) his uncle and Rin, and when the minutes continue to span on for almost nearly an hour, Ai grows worried.
He's laying on his couch, looking at the ceiling. Still reconciling with feelings he'd not exactly addressed, simply buried; the pervasive worry that he's gotten in the middle of Rin's dream. That a lapse in judgment could nearly tear his whole kingdom down. Stupid. Stupid. Sousuke's been kind in their text conversation, but even here, he can feel the judgment. Had heard it from Sousuke not even twenty-four hours ago. How quickly I'm jealous can turn into told you so.
His head isn't spinning anymore, at least. The eye of the storm seems to have passed over them both; something about its wake left him feeling overwhelmingly, oppressively alone, but maybe it's for the best.
He feels his phone vibrate and turns it up from where he'd had it face down on his stomach; seeing it's Rin and not Sousuke, Ai instinctively sits up, immediately firing back with Take your time! Hope it went well. And then he waits... And waits. And when his uncle doesn't call, Ai figures there's probably not anything worth saying. That, or Mikhail is protecting him from something, which is a thought that makes Ai insanely frustrated. He has half a mind to call his uncle himself, but out of interest of not complicating Rin's part in all of this, Ai decides not to.
Just as Ai's getting up to make himself busy in whatever possible way he can conjure in his apartment, Rin's second text comes through. I'm ok, thank you. Get home safe! It's as good a cue as any; Ai opts to get his laptop and hook it up to his barely used TV, letting it idle on a movie service. Sets the kettle.
Normalcy. He can't aim for much else; his uncle is spoken for, Rin's reputation hangs in the balance. For all Ai knows, his spot on the team could be jeopardized because of it all. But tea and a movie? He can manage that much, and have relative confidence he won't fuck it up.]
[it's a quiet venture back to the apartment. rin takes an unusual route, thinking it best to shake things up whenever he leaves now. just as a precautionary method. he grabbed a sports drink, just to sip on something on the way home. normally, he doesn't indulge in much sugar, but. seems appropriate given everything.
he returns to the apartment, locking it behind him and shoving his cap up to hang alongside his jacket. his head hurts. he feels a bit foul from everything. implications, accusations, lack of responsibility and above all: doing nothing. rin doesn't think he's the type to sit idly by, sitting on his hands, letting his problems work themselves out. it's why he indulged in some irresponsibility, and isn't at liberty to divulge further. especially not right now.
a soft smile slips across his face, as he sees ai has everything set up already. sometimes you just need to laugh at fictional issues or comedic situations so far removed from your own. even if rin feels like he's walking on eggshells every which way]
Sorry, took longer than I expected.
[rin rubs the back of his head, draping himself over the back of the couch as he stretches out his legs a bit. wincing a little. it's not terrible, but isn't the greatest feeling either]
[Ai's sat on the couch when Rin returns, flashing him an amicable smile once he makes his approach. Of course, it's all still on Ai's mind, too; it's hard not to be. They're stil relatively in the thick of it, even if initial panic has subsided. More than that, he can tell whatever conversation Rin's had must've gotten under his skin some; Rin had a propensity to run when under stress, literally and figuratively. Given how long he'd been out, it's easy to surmise Rin was trying to blow off steam. It's also incredibly hard to miss the stress in his shoulders.
Were this a month earlier, he might've offered to help Rin stretch out. Or would have taken the liberty of getting those cool-hot patches himself and slapping one or two on his calf. None of it comes to fruition now; Ai just leans a bit more into the arm rest to make more room for Rin, should he wish to stretch out. Ai for his part is sitting with his legs crossed.
He silently places the remote on Rin's knee, letting him drive. And maybe it's a bit of a preemptive olive branch, since Ai is about to ask a question he knows Rin likely wants to just shelve for now:]
It's alright, better to pay these kinds of things full attention. [His eyebrows furrow, just a little.] Were you able to learn anything new? Did Mikhail-ojiisan reach out after all?
[it's true. he wants nothing more than to shove all of this aside. it brings those hot wells of shame, despite the reassurances of his coach--who obviously has an inkling more than he's letting on. and rin tries not to dwell on that either]
Yeah, we talked for a while.
[now rin is deciding how much to lean into. he wasn't fond of how mikhail discussed his nephew, like he was a mere blip in their existence. so obviously that bit is getting tossed out the window in terms of discussion. as for everything else? rin bites his lip, putting a pause in the stretching to take the remote off his knees, and turn it over between his fingers. back and forth]
Nothing new. Just the same old shit.
[he scoffs out that last bit, staring pointedly at the floor]
I've got... a few options. But nothing solid until they release whatever they're releasing. Then decide on nothing, or...[rin sighs, pushing the remote against his forehead for a minute] do something. It just depends on the shit they say. That's it.
[Rin is thinking way too hard for Ai to trust what comes out of his mouth is the full truth - it's obvious he's filtering something, choosing words wisely. Either because he didn't like hearing whatever he heard, or to protect Ai from something. But this, too, wasn't new; if Ai threw a fit every time Rin minced his words, Ai would have been classified as a national menace and probably put on exile.
So he lets it go. If and when Rin was ready to discuss it, he would. Rin's got a point anyway that Ai can't refute: there wasn't even anything actionable to do or not do until the piece came out. Until such a time, it's all they can do to continue on as normal.
And so Ai relents, easily at that. He sinks back into the couch a little, choosing to relax. Relax among chaos; relax among Rin. Both things he doesn't think he's allowed himself in at least a cumulative five weeks. Probably only allowing himself now as the consequences of not having done so sooner manifested this morning and taught him a harsh lesson.
The way Rin's pressed the remote to his forehead... Ai smiles stupidly, looks down to the tv screen. It's bad to think it's cute, but I can't help it. Ai bites his bottom lip to stay that thought.]
Then! No sense stressing over it anymore, right? I'm sure my uncle will follow up with me once he has his ducks in a row, too. [He shifts his knee just enough to bump against Rin's ankle.] It'll be rare for us to know peace once training camps start up; we have to seize what bits of it we can get now. [Ai then gestures with his hand,] You can drive.
[rin huffs, slumping back against the couch, deeming his leg thoroughly stretched out or whatever. even if he doesn't buy it for a second in his own head, still reeling over the shit mikhail said. but... something bothers him. something that makes rin grit his teeth. he misses the way ai is staring at him pressing the remote against his face. he's about to start scrolling their streaming service, find something so ridiculously stupid that they can just both laugh at it.
and well. rin matsuoka is rin matsuoka. and has a big mouth]
Why didn't you ever ask your uncle to coach you?
[he blurts out suddenly. there's a moment of realization as he whips his gaze over to ai. and realizes what can of worms he just dove into. and the remote clatters to the floor. his jaw tightens, he's not angry. he's just confused, frustrated. over everything. why does mikhail regard ai like he's something not important? why did that conversation feel so sour when it came to ai's feelings? rin doesn't even know what ai--if ai--said anything to his uncle about what transpired.
he seems to notice his momentary slip up and bites his lip, tearing his gaze back towards the carpet]
[The question itself really isn't anything big or bombastic - in fact, Ai thinks he touched on it lightly once before, kind of. What gets him is the way Rin looks as if he's burned himself just by asking. Was trying to engage with Ai that painful? Was the conversation Rin had with Mikhail that bad? Questions Ai knows if he thinks on too long, he'll start gnashing his teeth the exact same way Rin currently is. So he does what he does best: tries to disarm, shooting a somewhat rueful smile Rin's way with a gentle shake of his head.]
I like when you ask me things. [I like when you talk to me. He knows Rin's not really fishing for reassurance, but Ai offers it freely anyway; turns a little, even, to face him better. He follows Rin's gaze down to the carpet for a moment, before settling on Rin's eyes again, trying to keep the floor open where Rin thinks he's closed it up.]
Well... I was pretty embarrassed, to be honest. He's a world-class swimmer, and I was the slowest on our team. I didn't tell you about him for these reasons, and I didn't ask him for help for those same reasons. If I was meant to be in this same world as you, I wanted to get there my own way.
[He shrugs a little with one shoulder.]
And by the time I thought it'd be a good idea, he'd already taken you. Of course, he knows none of this; Mikhail-oyaji loves me very much, but I'm sure from his perspective, it seems like I'm giving him a cold shoulder. I can't blame him for thinking that.
[It's Ai's turn for his eyes to flit down to the carpet, expression further away for that moment.]
He knows we're close, though. And he saw me swim yesterday, so he knows I've grown, too. But... If you're asking whether or not I know what's going on in his head, I'm afraid I can't give you a good answer.
[deep down he knows. he knows the way ai lights up when rin asks him things. it's something he's been setting out to do ever since he arrived back here, ever since they adopted this roommate status. he nods, swallowing down the relieved words that want to bubble out so desperately. just letting ai talk it all out]
...right.
[he remembers a bit of this, but wanted to hand the floor over to ai to explain everything. put whatever he likes into perspective. he just wants to listen. rin doesn't know ai's family dynamics. he feels like...mikhail has some very interesting concepts of love.
what kind of love extends to his nephew then?]
Nah, not asking you to explain anything for him. Was just curious.
[It was funny, Ai thinks. Rin sought to figure out Ai's mind more when his own was a mess - thinks to the many times Rin interjected when Ai had been minding his business, sought to reach a mutual accord when he deigned something important enough to him. And then distance happened; and space. And other people. Ai is no better, seemingly unsure of how to approach Rin with things of sensitive natures at all... Though that, perhaps, is something more fresh. He trusted Rin; he just didn't trust himself anymore.
Ai leans off the couch to pick up the remote quietly and without fuss, handing it back to Rin as if he had never dropped it at all.
And then wonders.
And wonders enough that it winds up tripping off his tongue, as if the idea of him taking up any amount of Rin's brainspace was a foreign concept to begin with,] What had you curious? Did my uncle say something?
[his fingers curl around the remote. it seems like such an out of place thing in their relationship. rin can't remember the last time they just sat on the couch like this, watching tv like it was nothing. and wasn't he just mucking this up too? bringing up shit that didn't matter, and clearly was making ai overthink things because--
did my uncle say something?
rin squeezes the plastic between his fingertips. like it could somehow vanquish all his problems at the drop of a hat. why does his gut feel like it's sinking, and everything is back at square one?]
It--
[it would be so easy to lie again. it's nothing. but he's already slipped up once today with something ai construes as a lie of some kind. rin's lip quivers a little, before he bites down on it. the small nick of pain blossoming from the gesture does him in. no. he won't.]
[Ai isn't surprised by the reply. How could he be, with how cagey and distant Rin has been since he came home? A familiar feeling crawls up his spine, a gently roiling heat that tricks itself up one vertebrae at a time, manifesting squarely in his chest as--
Frustration. The kind that leaves him balking a little at Rin with a vague scoff that he bites back. And then bites his lip, too. Because the last time he got frustrated with Rin and said something about it, well.
He takes a slow, calming breath. Exhales it evenly through his nose. And then very emphatically leans forward a little, enough to be able to rest his hand on Rin's outer shin. Stroke his thumb over the fabric there. Ai really didn't engage with physical contact, usually, but feels he needs to cross that boundary to ground Rin.
And maybe, too, to soften the blow:]
And? [he implores, incredulous.] Rin-senpai, I'm not fragile. You won't break me by saying something I won't want to hear. [His eyebrows knit.] I'm-- I need you to at least try and trust me a little.
[it's not like he means to shoot a look over at ai. rin doesn't even know what kind of expression he's making at the inquiry. i'm not fragile. he wants to hiss and spit that of course he fucking knows that. neither of them are, despite whatever public opinion might befall them. but they're still two kids (young adults but) who are navigating through some shit even people twice or three times their age never experienced.
where's the white picket fence, and perfect dream job and spouse and kids and? rin swallows--hard--trying to force honesty out of himself. because as jaded as he is in the art of being honest, he's not with himself and maybe even less so when the possibility of hurting another is on the table. rin fucking whines and his hand drops to squeeze the edge of the couch cushion]
I trust you. More than fucking anything.
[truth at its core. haru, sousuke, his family--nothing can compare to whatever friendship he's cultivated over the years with ai, seeing the darkest parts of him and allowing only ai to bring him back from that brink. he may have swam the relay with haru, but ai was the first one there after rin fucked up]
He said you were a complicated circumstance. Said people make mistakes, and fuck shit up when they're on... breaks.
[that last word is sour on his tongue]
Sounded like he was implying you're nothing special. And that's not... it's not true!! Jesus, fucking christ. I fucked up, okay?? I can't punish myself enough for it, but now they're punishing you too. This fucking sucks. You're my best friend, and I--
[there. he says it. he's known it. sousuke and haru are there. but it takes a special kind of person to go through the shit they have. it takes everything in him to not throw something across the room, just focusing on ai's hand on his shin]
I trust you more than anyone. And I'm sorry for monumentally fucking it up. Like I don't even feel like I can do-- [his shin spasms a little under ai's hand, but before ai can yank his hand back, rin slaps his hand over ai's to keep it there] --something like this without hurting your feelings or feeling like I'm leading you on. I hate this.
[It is a testament to Ai's tenacity and presence of mind that he can take every single word, every flinch, every movement, and weather it all without once looking away from Rin. Ai's eyes are steady on him, almost imploring; if Rin hesitated, Ai waited for him to spit it out, because he trusted it'd come.
As it always does, at these impasses, it comes in waves.
He feels his pulse quicken at the relay of his uncle's words; Ai isn't surprised to hear it. He hasn't given his uncle the chance to think otherwise. But it isn't that, it's--
You're my best friend. It catches on his brow line, suddenly knit into a complicated and confused wedge, as if Rin ever having once quantified Ai as such a thing was uncalled for. Third best, that was the script Ai understood well. Knew Haru to be something undefinable, something bigger; had thought Sousuke to take up that particular moniker, what with how he and Rin had a bond forged in both flames and time.
There's also the shame, alight for just a moment. There and gone, a phantom on his countenance. Because best friend also implies end of the line and every reiteration of the obvious has a tendency to make his blood run cold. If there is even one regret he has in this lifetime, more than anything, it's not having kept his mouth shut. Because maybe then Rin wouldn't be struggling to relay all of this to him, and wouldn't be gripping his hand like a lifeline, and wouldn't be saying that--]
Rin-senpai, [he leads emphatically, though Rin can likely feel the way Ai's hand betrays his otherwise steeled expression, knuckle twitching against Rin's skin,] that's simply not possible.
[His lips form on words that all start out just a hair too self-deprecating, I'm not delusional prime among them. But he can recognize when Rin's on the verge of spiraling, and is keen to bring them back from the edge, even if it means shooting himself in the foot. Does it to prove it to Rin as much as himself: weasels his palm enough to upturn it and lead Rin's hand away from his leg. Holds it gently between both his own. Flexes Rin's fingers under his thumbs, smooths them over the tops of his knuckles. Gentle.
And then continues,]
If you didn't worry about it when we met, you shouldn't worry about it now. Because nothing's changed. [He lets go of Rin's hand with one of his own; keeps the other open-palmed, thumb feather-light on top of Rin's knuckles still, letting him choose if he rescinds.] You're-- To me, that's-- Rather... [He takes a small breath, huffed softly from his lips. He just has to spit it out--]
... As we are, it's enough. [His voice grows quieter, but even still, Ai doesn't turn his eyes away.] I don't even want to put words to it, it's so inconsequential. [It'd hurt too much.] So please. If I'm not worried, you shouldn't be either.
I'll prove my uncle wrong. That just comes with time. And... If necessary, I'll prove you wrong, too. Because I'm not scared of you, and you shouldn't be, either.
[there's some choking sensation. the realization that rin hates all of this.
there's some silent, unspoken plea with whatever nonexistent god took his dad away and made him a fucking loser in australia, to quit the jokes. to let him have a do-over for something in his miserable existence for once. he would never have shattered that teacup, the one thing that held together all the spindly pieces of their friendship, all over the fucking floor. watching ai clean up that mess, every mess. clean up the mess that is rin matsuoka time and time again. something in him sours. something he isn't sure he's felt since that night. and once again, he's bubbling in that self destructive endlessness.
self control is a blessing. or maybe it's the way ai takes his hand between his own, knowing all the signs are there of rin's spiral. but why does rin need something like soothing gestures and sweet nothings like this? he fucking hates it. he wants to spit as much, but merely swallows it down. self loathing. agonizing deprecation. it's all present, and flooding every orifice. only tapered by the quiet, soft fingertips mapping out nothings on him.
it seems an effective method, because rin tries to remember. 1...breathe in. 2... breathe out. 3... rinse. wash. repeat. his lip suffers some small assault from his teeth, but it's a barely there thing. or at least something he barely notices.
because nothing's changed. and doesn't that just make that piece of shit feeling fester further? even if he tries to not let it manifest, it's there. ever present. ever looming. rin jerks his gaze away as ai's voice drops, he can feel those sky blue eyes burning a hole in him. reassuring as always. his lip shakes a little]
You better fucking prove him wrong. And me. I'll be waiting.
[rin settles on, spitting the words out practically. to him that's what mattered most out of this conversation. that dig that he felt was wrongly deserved, despite everything. despite all of rin's royal fuck-ups, ai doesn't deserve those kind of words from his own family for god's sake]
I'm not scared of you.
[rin finally admits with a stupid, dumb laugh, pushing his free hand against his forehead]
[He might've been more emphatic, trying to reassure Rin that his uncle was wrong. Would have focused more on that than the way Rin's tearing into his lip and spiraling all in his own right; would focus more on the low-hanging fruit rather than the mound of dirt piled on top of sentiments barely buried.
But he doesn't. Can't. Because despite it all, despite Rin twisting himself to believe otherwise, Ai knows a part of his uncle is right.
That in all the ways that won't matter, he is just a blip. Funny, he thinks, how easy it can be to dismiss something that has the power to utterly destroy him. That is the strength that comes with sitting on his hands for so long, he guesses. Ai ultimately has no one to blame but himself. Paying the price for not cutting his losses sooner; for not having been bold enough to take a leap at all.
I'm not scared of you. It's some salve, he guesses; Ai tries so hard not to let it cross his countenance, the way he wants to shirk away and make himself small. You should be, is his mind's reply. You are, is his memory, his experience. Soft blues wring shut for just a moment, recalling shower water and footfalls and the sounds of his own sobs. What was that if not ardent, unmitigated fear?
The constant teeter between his composure and his truth. Ahh, I hate this. I'd just worked up to something calm, too. Ai swallows down his discontent, as if it were nothing more than a too-bitter coffee.
Then suddenly, at once, he's gripping Rin's hand strongly. Ai leans down onto the couch, back to the arm rest, and pulls Rin against him, to his chest. Turns his cheek to look at his tv, still idling on a streaming service, and makes no mention or grandiose show as his hand is in Rin's hair, encouraging him to just-- relax. Count breaths. Count Ai's breaths. Listen to his heartbeat-- anything.
Let them both be scared of themselves, but by god Ai isn't going to sit there and let Rin spiral. For both their sakes.]
That's silly. You're not very scary, not even when you try to be. [Ai tilts his head down to look at Rin, pointedly. Then back to the tv, very much pretending as if he hasn't just borderline forced Rin into skinship, and though his breathing is even and even his heartbeat mild, it is the first time in this conversation he can't meet Rin in the eye.]
... I think I get it, though. I guess that makes me a hypocrite.
he feels a panic. because there's the very real possibility in silence, that he's once again gone and muddied something up. it's evident in the way his features visibly drop. because ai isn't saying anything. he sees the way ai swallows heavily, and rin is about to rip himself back, spit something just to put some distance between them, some safety--all before he can mess up whatever they've finally reclaimed.
but that grip on his hand is tight. almost agonizingly so. and rin isn't sure what the difference between up or down is, because ai is taking that hand and pulling rin against his chest. rin is all over people in every sense of the word. physical contact is his bread and butter. but sometimes when he's on the receiving end, especially in unexpected ways, he panics.
despite the over intrusive thoughts to run, and hide from all of this...he simply forces the little choked sound down, and swallows the bile in the back of his throat. and instead he just takes this for what it is, and buries his face against ai]
Shut up. I'm terrifying.
[he finally manages to spit, trying to force himself to relax in whatever this is. he just bitched about not wanting to force himself on ai or be his normal clingy self. because...well, obviously. but he can't deny how the hand in his hair, or the breaths they share are peaceful beyond belief. rin scoffs, pressing his forehead against ai's chest]
The only way hypocrites wouldn't exist was if everyone was perfect. And like hell that's ever happening in this world.
[He didn't expect Rin to magically relax against him - kind of expected Rin to give push back, if he's honest. Rin seemed way more worried about crossing boundaries or touching the sullied than Ai himself was, who was notoriously self-kept and would never spring something on Rin even if given a green light at this point. He made that mistake exactly once, and is keen not to make it again.
Seeing Rin swallow around his own bile and spit makes Ai worry if he'd really gone too far, though. As if this was for me!, is his scolding mental chide. It may be physical contact, but Ai isn't delusional; he's trying to help a friend. The idea of even wanting something from Rin was at baseline so laughable and comical in its absurdity that the idea of Ai seeing this as anything other than an attempt at a favour only leaves him feeling dirty. An untouchable, sullied thing. A tumour on Rin's conscious.
But Rin doesn't run, and Ai doesn't want to dig himself a six-foot hole, so. He closes his eyes and sets his jaw and tells himself that Rin was no stranger to running away, and if Ai had missed the mark, he would have hightailed it by now. He shifts his hand to momentarily, loosely draped along Rin's back, though a second later it's sunk down onto the couch, now wedged between the back cushion and Ai's body. Unsure what do to with himself when he's so painfully aware Rin would rather be anywhere else in the room right now.
I feel so--]
Momo-kun is more terrifying than you, [he taunts, trying so hard to keep his voice light. Somewhat awkwardly he digs around the both of them for wherever the remote landed on the couch, and eventually finds it and places it on his sternum for Rin to collect.]
Now put something on before we twist ourselves into knots.
[he's already twisted into knots thanks. physically and metaphorically, on this stupid couch.
rin huffs, and grabs the remote off of ai's chest, pressing his cheek against his ribs and just tries to let himself settle. it's what ai was trying to force him to do. right? he flicks through a few streaming services, settling on some american comedy (it has subtitles, don't think too hard trying to translate, ai) and he lets it slip through his fingertips onto the ground. his legs are bent a little, half draped over the couch before he tucks them closer to their bodies.
already, his breathing is a little evened out. slumped against his friend, even if they're at awkward ends with one another. it somehow feels relaxing, like that stupid first night he was here. and everything felt so light. sure, there's some underlying tension--things they'll have to deal with. reporters, olympian dreams and aspirations, whatever the hell is going on with the people in both of their lives. whatever the hell is going on with one another. rin's fingers curl a little bit, tightening in ai's shirt.
a little silence stretches between them. and rin can't deny how utterly exhausted he is. he can barely keep pace with the movie. after an exhilarating day full of highs and lows yesterday, straight into today full of decisions and panic. it's enough to weigh on anyone. rin can barely keep his eyes shut either. but he has the sense to mutter against ai's shirt]
....you're sure? I'm not making it weird again?
[because there's no denying rin is touchy. there's no denying rin fucked up their relationship beyond repair. but he's never not wanted ai close. even if he doesn't know what close means anymore--with haru...the realization of how ai and sousuke felt--feel--it's enough to wring him dry. but he likes physical touch, he likes it. it's selfish...]
[The deeper Rin sinks into relaxation, however surface level it might be, the easier it is for Ai to do the same. Every second that passes on and Rin is no longer gnashing his teeth, swallowing hard, twisting himself into knots, Ai feels his worries of having compromised Rin ebb away a little. At some intermediate point in the movie, his hand even comes back up off the couch cushion and to the small of Rin's back; it's idle there, barely a weight, but it just felt more right than letting it hang awkwardly and somewhat uncomfortably stuck beside him.
Somehow, it felt normal. Identical to the nights in their first year where he'd check on a sweat-slicked Rin who had just jolted himself awake from a nightmare and needed to be brought back down to planet earth. This was no different. Ai's mind is so far off anything-- sentimental, so removed from understandable anxieties, so distracted by the movie and the gentle sound of Rin's even breathing that when Rin speaks, it takes Ai a moment to even register.
And he will not sigh. Or puff his chest. Or gnash his teeth. Because in this instance, he recognizes something astute that he hadn't before. Maybe it wasn't that Rin saw him as some dirty thing; his-- sentiments as landmines. Maybe it was just that Rin needed a bit of reassurance, and didn't know how to ask for it. Ai still can't fully shake the feeling that things would be so much better off if he'd just kept his mouth shut, but. It's some amount of relief; one tiny bandage to cover the many wounds he still hasn't dressed.
He smiles, even, if Rin's looking at him at all. Ai tilts his head down a bit to level Rin with it, paired with a knit brow line.] I put you here, didn't I? [He even steeples his fingers on Rin's back with that one.
Wonders, for a moment, how much peeling back the veneer could help or hurt. Maybe their peace this time was strong enough for it, so Ai tries.]
You never made it weird. [It was me. His voice grows just a touch quieter.] ... And there are several lines I'll never cross. I wouldn't before, and I won't now. I need you to understand that above all else, you're my friend.
[End of the line. In this instance, it's his sharpest sword, and Ai isn't afraid of spilling a little bit of blood in order to wield it.]
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no subject
Date: 2025-08-30 07:41 pm (UTC)[It feels like a rarity nowadays to catch Rin reminiscing, let alone fondly. It's the undercurrent of passion Ai can identify readily - the very same that had infected and permeated the air yesterday during the better half of their morning and afternoon at the All-Japan. It's immediately infectious, causing Ai's face to bisect with a wide smile.
Double or triple occupancy, huh? And pulled from a lottery of names. Ai likes to think himself as someone who is easy to get along with, so he's not too worried; rather, the idea of rooming without Rin leaves him canting his head. What can you do? It's no good to feel entitled to such a thing, anyway. Ai pulls out his desk chair, but rolls it a little closer to the center of the living space, sitting in it backwards with his arms crossed over the top.]
So it really is like what you read about in the books. [And what he's heard about from Sousuke, Seijuuro...] Hating someone that much for a room change, though... That's pretty bad, isn't it? They're still your teammate.
[For a moment, he chews his bottom lip. Considers, weighs. Then asks,]
Any stories from last year?
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Date: 2025-08-31 12:22 am (UTC)[last year was such a blur. moping over the loss of whatever he and haru have? had?? coming back together. all of them being under makoto and nao's guidance. freaking the fuck out over haru's whatever health crisis. it was a wild time. but winning gold? now that's something special. maybe that's when his smile turns fond]
...it's when I finally realized my dream? It was happening.
[yesterday solidified it. but. even his bronze was a huge accomplishment. but maybe gold felt the best because of the teamwork behind all of it. rin folds his arms on the counter, leaning his head there for a moment, watching ai traverse across the same space and casually take up space on his chair similarly]
I think I was too much in a tizzy over everything else going on to have any real fun.
[what a lame admission. rin tosses a smirk towards ai, shifting his gaze a bit]
Any planned stories for you? Or are you just going to focus on petting all the fancy dogs?
no subject
Date: 2025-08-31 12:33 am (UTC)More than that... The idea that this time around, it might be him too on that same stage? He wouldn't have a way to explain why there are suddenly butterflies in his chest; it's all Ai can do to bite his bottom lip and bury the bottom half of his face behind his arms.]
It was your first international competition, I wouldn't blame you for only focusing on the obvious. Athens will probably be the exact same for all of us.
[Us. Us! Ai hadn't been able to admit it to himself at All-Japan yesterday; could barely squeak it out to his parents on the phone. Lost the breath for it this morning amidst the whirlwind they had to endure together. But finally, it can coat his tongue and he can actually taste it. He bites his knuckle.
Stays just like that as Rin returns the question, and Ai smiles around his digit, before lolling his cheek against his palm.]
How could I plan a story? And besides, we're only talking training camps. [He rolls his eyes down to the floor in thought.]
What would I do... It's hard to say... That's lame, isn't it? I'll be honest, it still doesn't feel real. It probably won't hit me until we're there. All I can think about is you and the water. [If he had offered clarification, he'd specify because of this mess we're in, so as not to put Rin on the back foot. But... Maybe just this once, siphoning himself isn't necessary.]
no subject
Date: 2025-08-31 01:53 am (UTC)Your story is whatever you want it to be.
[he's swept back to the good parts of australia. not dwelling in the agony towards the end. a finality that seemed like the best idea at the close. is it still? what makes a dream truly yours? he looks over at ai, and smiles. is a story really so different? another page in the vastness of dreamland?]
S'not lame. [he reassures gruffly] Hard not to focus on those things. The things that shape you.
[he's not equating ai's words to something Bad. he's equating it to two teenage kids who shared brief words and exchanges about their future aspirations. while one was in turmoil, and one was falling in love. now that he knows, at least... rin shakes the thought from his head, and doesn't want to ruin the moment. even though he knows he should be playing damage control. it feels comfortable again. and he's always the one to ruin it. isn't he?]
Training camps are training camps, dummy. You're going to fucking Paris. [he laughs softly, teasing softly in turn] Just take it all in until we get there. It'll be here before you know it.
[he huffs, pulling away from the counter and really pulling out his phone this time]
Let me make some calls. Then how about we forget all the bad stuff and watch a bad movie?
no subject
Date: 2025-08-31 02:10 am (UTC)The things that shape you. Who's done that for him more than Rin? Both incidentally and purposely. Without Rin, Ai wouldn't have found his dream. Wouldn't have been able to pull out of himself the multitudes and depths of feelings he can't even begin to quantify. It's safe to say Rin's shaped his life so much that without him, it'd lack colour all together. He'll take all the bitter, angry reds and overwhelming, torrential blues and everything in between one-thousand times over before considering a lifetime where he couldn't have them at all.
Somewhere he recognizes Rin is giving him reassurances, but Ai is so singularly stuck on that phrase still. But also recognizes it's rude not to reply, and so he moves his hand from his mouth down to his jaw in order to do so somewhat belatedly,]
You almost make it sound like a threat, [he kids, shaking him out of the well of butterflies currently asphyxiating him. Let me make some calls. All at once, their wings cease, laid to rest somewhere in the bottom of Ai's stomach.
Lock and key, right. But, Ai blinks.]
Sure. If you pick the movie, I can get us a few drinks... Ah, but what about the pool, senpai? [Maybe it's for the best they didn't venture out so early - thought, there'd be nothing stopping them from a late night swim, either. Ai's access to his university's pool was in perpetuity. He sits up a bit straighter in his chair,] And... If you need me to talk to Mikhail-ojiisan too, let me know. Or-- whoever. If there's any way I can help.
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Date: 2025-08-31 09:07 pm (UTC)[and with that, he lets the door behind him close with a click. he's already dialing mikhail, dimly aware his coach picks up on near the last ring with a humming tone. rin rolls his eyes, keeping an eye out on his surroundings and venturing out away from his usual jogging path. they start the conversation casually. mikhail asking if rin slept well last night, littering in a few details of the upcoming training camps and some other things he wanted rin to implement in the coming days. but then... things taper.
there's no denying the inevitable anymore unfortunately]
You listened to it, right? They're trying to fucking make it out like. Like I'm messing around with half the team!
[mikhail's words are anything but sympathetic. perhaps slightly reassuring. but rin doesn't need to be babied, and he's chosen mikhail specifically for his crass, even if his strangeness outweighs that sometimes.
"There is nothing, we both know it. Just smoke." rin doesn't like this answer. in fact he fucking hates it, because that's just it. there is things. even if it is nothing in the grand scheme...]
They're calling people! What am I supposed to do, huh??
["Don't look defensive. These people. They thrive on panic. You think like a strategist. Not a cornered animal." rin bites his lip, rounding a corner near the park, and pressing his hand against his forehead, a hushed tone overtaking him]
Easy for you to say. You already are the creep they're trying to make me out to be!
[mikhail ignores him. rin can almost hear his coach strumming his fingers along his jaw, contemplative evident in the way he hums. "Nanase. They may be looking at my nephew physically, but him well... they seem to be spinning some silly love triangle. You say there's nothing?"]
I didn't say that. But even if there was, it's none of their fucking business...
["Remember you're a public figure now. Take care to consider images athletes have to uphold. There's truly nothing between any of you?" .........rin shrinks under the implications. because he doesn't know, he doesn't know, he doesn't know. his fingers fly up to dig into his bangs, tugging them as he hisses against the speaker]
It doesn't matter.
["Exactly. But perhaps you shouldn't be so quick to deny either. The public likes a story, no? Romance it sells here. My nephew is a more complicated circumstance but... we all make mistakes right? People take breaks." rin doesn't like it. he doesn't like any of this. mikhail continues, however. "As for them speculating I coach you because of him.... how silly!" rin also doesn't like the tone, but. he doesn't push it because he's so swamped up in his own head]
...so do nothing. Pretend?? Feed them some stupid headline??!
["Almost. Better to let them speculate about something private than to tear apart someone else's reputation no?" that unfortunately makes the most sense. rin bites his lip, leaning against one of the trees in the park. it's quiet, there's nobody really around so he's not afraid to speak up just a little, still aware someone might be parading around somewhere that he can't discern]
So what. We make their story look childish?
["Exactly. They want scandal? We give them professionalism. Romance?" he snorts. "We laugh. Are we clear?" rin hesitates, letting the silence stretch for a moment before he nods like his coach could actually see it somehow]
Got it. Yeah.
[they cut their conversation short after a while, and when rin hangs up the phone, he drags his hand down his face, groaning. he texts ai a quick be there soon before he makes another call. he doesn't remember how long he was even on the phone with mikhail. long enough that the sky has changed, and his legs are aching. he stops at a cornermart first, texting ai another quick need anything? as his head pounds]
no subject
Date: 2025-08-31 09:43 pm (UTC)Unfortunately for him, he has not a single damn clue what all transpires between (he assumes) his uncle and Rin, and when the minutes continue to span on for almost nearly an hour, Ai grows worried.
He's laying on his couch, looking at the ceiling. Still reconciling with feelings he'd not exactly addressed, simply buried; the pervasive worry that he's gotten in the middle of Rin's dream. That a lapse in judgment could nearly tear his whole kingdom down. Stupid. Stupid. Sousuke's been kind in their text conversation, but even here, he can feel the judgment. Had heard it from Sousuke not even twenty-four hours ago. How quickly I'm jealous can turn into told you so.
His head isn't spinning anymore, at least. The eye of the storm seems to have passed over them both; something about its wake left him feeling overwhelmingly, oppressively alone, but maybe it's for the best.
He feels his phone vibrate and turns it up from where he'd had it face down on his stomach; seeing it's Rin and not Sousuke, Ai instinctively sits up, immediately firing back with Take your time! Hope it went well. And then he waits... And waits. And when his uncle doesn't call, Ai figures there's probably not anything worth saying. That, or Mikhail is protecting him from something, which is a thought that makes Ai insanely frustrated. He has half a mind to call his uncle himself, but out of interest of not complicating Rin's part in all of this, Ai decides not to.
Just as Ai's getting up to make himself busy in whatever possible way he can conjure in his apartment, Rin's second text comes through. I'm ok, thank you. Get home safe! It's as good a cue as any; Ai opts to get his laptop and hook it up to his barely used TV, letting it idle on a movie service. Sets the kettle.
Normalcy. He can't aim for much else; his uncle is spoken for, Rin's reputation hangs in the balance. For all Ai knows, his spot on the team could be jeopardized because of it all. But tea and a movie? He can manage that much, and have relative confidence he won't fuck it up.]
no subject
Date: 2025-09-01 05:31 pm (UTC)he returns to the apartment, locking it behind him and shoving his cap up to hang alongside his jacket. his head hurts. he feels a bit foul from everything. implications, accusations, lack of responsibility and above all: doing nothing. rin doesn't think he's the type to sit idly by, sitting on his hands, letting his problems work themselves out. it's why he indulged in some irresponsibility, and isn't at liberty to divulge further. especially not right now.
a soft smile slips across his face, as he sees ai has everything set up already. sometimes you just need to laugh at fictional issues or comedic situations so far removed from your own. even if rin feels like he's walking on eggshells every which way]
Sorry, took longer than I expected.
[rin rubs the back of his head, draping himself over the back of the couch as he stretches out his legs a bit. wincing a little. it's not terrible, but isn't the greatest feeling either]
no subject
Date: 2025-09-01 05:43 pm (UTC)Were this a month earlier, he might've offered to help Rin stretch out. Or would have taken the liberty of getting those cool-hot patches himself and slapping one or two on his calf. None of it comes to fruition now; Ai just leans a bit more into the arm rest to make more room for Rin, should he wish to stretch out. Ai for his part is sitting with his legs crossed.
He silently places the remote on Rin's knee, letting him drive. And maybe it's a bit of a preemptive olive branch, since Ai is about to ask a question he knows Rin likely wants to just shelve for now:]
It's alright, better to pay these kinds of things full attention. [His eyebrows furrow, just a little.] Were you able to learn anything new? Did Mikhail-ojiisan reach out after all?
no subject
Date: 2025-09-01 08:43 pm (UTC)Yeah, we talked for a while.
[now rin is deciding how much to lean into. he wasn't fond of how mikhail discussed his nephew, like he was a mere blip in their existence. so obviously that bit is getting tossed out the window in terms of discussion. as for everything else? rin bites his lip, putting a pause in the stretching to take the remote off his knees, and turn it over between his fingers. back and forth]
Nothing new. Just the same old shit.
[he scoffs out that last bit, staring pointedly at the floor]
I've got... a few options. But nothing solid until they release whatever they're releasing. Then decide on nothing, or...[rin sighs, pushing the remote against his forehead for a minute] do something. It just depends on the shit they say. That's it.
no subject
Date: 2025-09-01 09:02 pm (UTC)So he lets it go. If and when Rin was ready to discuss it, he would. Rin's got a point anyway that Ai can't refute: there wasn't even anything actionable to do or not do until the piece came out. Until such a time, it's all they can do to continue on as normal.
And so Ai relents, easily at that. He sinks back into the couch a little, choosing to relax. Relax among chaos; relax among Rin. Both things he doesn't think he's allowed himself in at least a cumulative five weeks. Probably only allowing himself now as the consequences of not having done so sooner manifested this morning and taught him a harsh lesson.
The way Rin's pressed the remote to his forehead... Ai smiles stupidly, looks down to the tv screen. It's bad to think it's cute, but I can't help it. Ai bites his bottom lip to stay that thought.]
Then! No sense stressing over it anymore, right? I'm sure my uncle will follow up with me once he has his ducks in a row, too. [He shifts his knee just enough to bump against Rin's ankle.] It'll be rare for us to know peace once training camps start up; we have to seize what bits of it we can get now. [Ai then gestures with his hand,] You can drive.
no subject
Date: 2025-09-02 09:23 pm (UTC)[rin huffs, slumping back against the couch, deeming his leg thoroughly stretched out or whatever. even if he doesn't buy it for a second in his own head, still reeling over the shit mikhail said. but... something bothers him. something that makes rin grit his teeth. he misses the way ai is staring at him pressing the remote against his face. he's about to start scrolling their streaming service, find something so ridiculously stupid that they can just both laugh at it.
and well. rin matsuoka is rin matsuoka. and has a big mouth]
Why didn't you ever ask your uncle to coach you?
[he blurts out suddenly. there's a moment of realization as he whips his gaze over to ai. and realizes what can of worms he just dove into. and the remote clatters to the floor. his jaw tightens, he's not angry. he's just confused, frustrated. over everything. why does mikhail regard ai like he's something not important? why did that conversation feel so sour when it came to ai's feelings? rin doesn't even know what ai--if ai--said anything to his uncle about what transpired.
he seems to notice his momentary slip up and bites his lip, tearing his gaze back towards the carpet]
...sorry. That's not my place.
no subject
Date: 2025-09-02 09:52 pm (UTC)I like when you ask me things. [I like when you talk to me. He knows Rin's not really fishing for reassurance, but Ai offers it freely anyway; turns a little, even, to face him better. He follows Rin's gaze down to the carpet for a moment, before settling on Rin's eyes again, trying to keep the floor open where Rin thinks he's closed it up.]
Well... I was pretty embarrassed, to be honest. He's a world-class swimmer, and I was the slowest on our team. I didn't tell you about him for these reasons, and I didn't ask him for help for those same reasons. If I was meant to be in this same world as you, I wanted to get there my own way.
[He shrugs a little with one shoulder.]
And by the time I thought it'd be a good idea, he'd already taken you. Of course, he knows none of this; Mikhail-oyaji loves me very much, but I'm sure from his perspective, it seems like I'm giving him a cold shoulder. I can't blame him for thinking that.
[It's Ai's turn for his eyes to flit down to the carpet, expression further away for that moment.]
He knows we're close, though. And he saw me swim yesterday, so he knows I've grown, too. But... If you're asking whether or not I know what's going on in his head, I'm afraid I can't give you a good answer.
no subject
Date: 2025-09-04 03:04 am (UTC)...right.
[he remembers a bit of this, but wanted to hand the floor over to ai to explain everything. put whatever he likes into perspective. he just wants to listen. rin doesn't know ai's family dynamics. he feels like...mikhail has some very interesting concepts of love.
what kind of love extends to his nephew then?]
Nah, not asking you to explain anything for him. Was just curious.
no subject
Date: 2025-09-04 03:25 am (UTC)Ai leans off the couch to pick up the remote quietly and without fuss, handing it back to Rin as if he had never dropped it at all.
And then wonders.
And wonders enough that it winds up tripping off his tongue, as if the idea of him taking up any amount of Rin's brainspace was a foreign concept to begin with,] What had you curious? Did my uncle say something?
no subject
Date: 2025-09-05 03:16 am (UTC)did my uncle say something?
rin squeezes the plastic between his fingertips. like it could somehow vanquish all his problems at the drop of a hat. why does his gut feel like it's sinking, and everything is back at square one?]
It--
[it would be so easy to lie again. it's nothing. but he's already slipped up once today with something ai construes as a lie of some kind. rin's lip quivers a little, before he bites down on it. the small nick of pain blossoming from the gesture does him in. no. he won't.]
Sorta, yeah.
no subject
Date: 2025-09-05 04:30 am (UTC)Frustration. The kind that leaves him balking a little at Rin with a vague scoff that he bites back. And then bites his lip, too. Because the last time he got frustrated with Rin and said something about it, well.
He takes a slow, calming breath. Exhales it evenly through his nose. And then very emphatically leans forward a little, enough to be able to rest his hand on Rin's outer shin. Stroke his thumb over the fabric there. Ai really didn't engage with physical contact, usually, but feels he needs to cross that boundary to ground Rin.
And maybe, too, to soften the blow:]
And? [he implores, incredulous.] Rin-senpai, I'm not fragile. You won't break me by saying something I won't want to hear. [His eyebrows knit.] I'm-- I need you to at least try and trust me a little.
no subject
Date: 2025-09-08 01:39 am (UTC)where's the white picket fence, and perfect dream job and spouse and kids and? rin swallows--hard--trying to force honesty out of himself. because as jaded as he is in the art of being honest, he's not with himself and maybe even less so when the possibility of hurting another is on the table. rin fucking whines and his hand drops to squeeze the edge of the couch cushion]
I trust you. More than fucking anything.
[truth at its core. haru, sousuke, his family--nothing can compare to whatever friendship he's cultivated over the years with ai, seeing the darkest parts of him and allowing only ai to bring him back from that brink. he may have swam the relay with haru, but ai was the first one there after rin fucked up]
He said you were a complicated circumstance. Said people make mistakes, and fuck shit up when they're on... breaks.
[that last word is sour on his tongue]
Sounded like he was implying you're nothing special. And that's not... it's not true!! Jesus, fucking christ. I fucked up, okay?? I can't punish myself enough for it, but now they're punishing you too. This fucking sucks. You're my best friend, and I--
[there. he says it. he's known it. sousuke and haru are there. but it takes a special kind of person to go through the shit they have. it takes everything in him to not throw something across the room, just focusing on ai's hand on his shin]
I trust you more than anyone. And I'm sorry for monumentally fucking it up. Like I don't even feel like I can do-- [his shin spasms a little under ai's hand, but before ai can yank his hand back, rin slaps his hand over ai's to keep it there] --something like this without hurting your feelings or feeling like I'm leading you on. I hate this.
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Date: 2025-09-08 02:13 am (UTC)As it always does, at these impasses, it comes in waves.
He feels his pulse quicken at the relay of his uncle's words; Ai isn't surprised to hear it. He hasn't given his uncle the chance to think otherwise. But it isn't that, it's--
You're my best friend. It catches on his brow line, suddenly knit into a complicated and confused wedge, as if Rin ever having once quantified Ai as such a thing was uncalled for. Third best, that was the script Ai understood well. Knew Haru to be something undefinable, something bigger; had thought Sousuke to take up that particular moniker, what with how he and Rin had a bond forged in both flames and time.
There's also the shame, alight for just a moment. There and gone, a phantom on his countenance. Because best friend also implies end of the line and every reiteration of the obvious has a tendency to make his blood run cold. If there is even one regret he has in this lifetime, more than anything, it's not having kept his mouth shut. Because maybe then Rin wouldn't be struggling to relay all of this to him, and wouldn't be gripping his hand like a lifeline, and wouldn't be saying that--]
Rin-senpai, [he leads emphatically, though Rin can likely feel the way Ai's hand betrays his otherwise steeled expression, knuckle twitching against Rin's skin,] that's simply not possible.
[His lips form on words that all start out just a hair too self-deprecating, I'm not delusional prime among them. But he can recognize when Rin's on the verge of spiraling, and is keen to bring them back from the edge, even if it means shooting himself in the foot. Does it to prove it to Rin as much as himself: weasels his palm enough to upturn it and lead Rin's hand away from his leg. Holds it gently between both his own. Flexes Rin's fingers under his thumbs, smooths them over the tops of his knuckles. Gentle.
And then continues,]
If you didn't worry about it when we met, you shouldn't worry about it now. Because nothing's changed. [He lets go of Rin's hand with one of his own; keeps the other open-palmed, thumb feather-light on top of Rin's knuckles still, letting him choose if he rescinds.] You're-- To me, that's-- Rather... [He takes a small breath, huffed softly from his lips. He just has to spit it out--]
... As we are, it's enough. [His voice grows quieter, but even still, Ai doesn't turn his eyes away.] I don't even want to put words to it, it's so inconsequential. [It'd hurt too much.] So please. If I'm not worried, you shouldn't be either.
I'll prove my uncle wrong. That just comes with time. And... If necessary, I'll prove you wrong, too. Because I'm not scared of you, and you shouldn't be, either.
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Date: 2025-09-10 12:52 am (UTC)there's some silent, unspoken plea with whatever nonexistent god took his dad away and made him a fucking loser in australia, to quit the jokes. to let him have a do-over for something in his miserable existence for once. he would never have shattered that teacup, the one thing that held together all the spindly pieces of their friendship, all over the fucking floor. watching ai clean up that mess, every mess. clean up the mess that is rin matsuoka time and time again. something in him sours. something he isn't sure he's felt since that night. and once again, he's bubbling in that self destructive endlessness.
self control is a blessing. or maybe it's the way ai takes his hand between his own, knowing all the signs are there of rin's spiral. but why does rin need something like soothing gestures and sweet nothings like this? he fucking hates it. he wants to spit as much, but merely swallows it down. self loathing. agonizing deprecation. it's all present, and flooding every orifice. only tapered by the quiet, soft fingertips mapping out nothings on him.
it seems an effective method, because rin tries to remember. 1...breathe in. 2... breathe out. 3... rinse. wash. repeat. his lip suffers some small assault from his teeth, but it's a barely there thing. or at least something he barely notices.
because nothing's changed. and doesn't that just make that piece of shit feeling fester further? even if he tries to not let it manifest, it's there. ever present. ever looming. rin jerks his gaze away as ai's voice drops, he can feel those sky blue eyes burning a hole in him. reassuring as always. his lip shakes a little]
You better fucking prove him wrong. And me. I'll be waiting.
[rin settles on, spitting the words out practically. to him that's what mattered most out of this conversation. that dig that he felt was wrongly deserved, despite everything. despite all of rin's royal fuck-ups, ai doesn't deserve those kind of words from his own family for god's sake]
I'm not scared of you.
[rin finally admits with a stupid, dumb laugh, pushing his free hand against his forehead]
Maybe it's always been me I've been scared of.
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Date: 2025-09-10 02:00 am (UTC)But he doesn't. Can't. Because despite it all, despite Rin twisting himself to believe otherwise, Ai knows a part of his uncle is right.
That in all the ways that won't matter, he is just a blip. Funny, he thinks, how easy it can be to dismiss something that has the power to utterly destroy him. That is the strength that comes with sitting on his hands for so long, he guesses. Ai ultimately has no one to blame but himself. Paying the price for not cutting his losses sooner; for not having been bold enough to take a leap at all.
I'm not scared of you. It's some salve, he guesses; Ai tries so hard not to let it cross his countenance, the way he wants to shirk away and make himself small. You should be, is his mind's reply. You are, is his memory, his experience. Soft blues wring shut for just a moment, recalling shower water and footfalls and the sounds of his own sobs. What was that if not ardent, unmitigated fear?
The constant teeter between his composure and his truth. Ahh, I hate this. I'd just worked up to something calm, too. Ai swallows down his discontent, as if it were nothing more than a too-bitter coffee.
Then suddenly, at once, he's gripping Rin's hand strongly. Ai leans down onto the couch, back to the arm rest, and pulls Rin against him, to his chest. Turns his cheek to look at his tv, still idling on a streaming service, and makes no mention or grandiose show as his hand is in Rin's hair, encouraging him to just-- relax. Count breaths. Count Ai's breaths. Listen to his heartbeat-- anything.
Let them both be scared of themselves, but by god Ai isn't going to sit there and let Rin spiral. For both their sakes.]
That's silly. You're not very scary, not even when you try to be. [Ai tilts his head down to look at Rin, pointedly. Then back to the tv, very much pretending as if he hasn't just borderline forced Rin into skinship, and though his breathing is even and even his heartbeat mild, it is the first time in this conversation he can't meet Rin in the eye.]
... I think I get it, though. I guess that makes me a hypocrite.
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Date: 2025-09-10 07:34 pm (UTC)he feels a panic. because there's the very real possibility in silence, that he's once again gone and muddied something up. it's evident in the way his features visibly drop. because ai isn't saying anything. he sees the way ai swallows heavily, and rin is about to rip himself back, spit something just to put some distance between them, some safety--all before he can mess up whatever they've finally reclaimed.
but that grip on his hand is tight. almost agonizingly so. and rin isn't sure what the difference between up or down is, because ai is taking that hand and pulling rin against his chest. rin is all over people in every sense of the word. physical contact is his bread and butter. but sometimes when he's on the receiving end, especially in unexpected ways, he panics.
despite the over intrusive thoughts to run, and hide from all of this...he simply forces the little choked sound down, and swallows the bile in the back of his throat. and instead he just takes this for what it is, and buries his face against ai]
Shut up. I'm terrifying.
[he finally manages to spit, trying to force himself to relax in whatever this is. he just bitched about not wanting to force himself on ai or be his normal clingy self. because...well, obviously. but he can't deny how the hand in his hair, or the breaths they share are peaceful beyond belief. rin scoffs, pressing his forehead against ai's chest]
The only way hypocrites wouldn't exist was if everyone was perfect. And like hell that's ever happening in this world.
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Date: 2025-09-10 08:19 pm (UTC)Seeing Rin swallow around his own bile and spit makes Ai worry if he'd really gone too far, though. As if this was for me!, is his scolding mental chide. It may be physical contact, but Ai isn't delusional; he's trying to help a friend. The idea of even wanting something from Rin was at baseline so laughable and comical in its absurdity that the idea of Ai seeing this as anything other than an attempt at a favour only leaves him feeling dirty. An untouchable, sullied thing. A tumour on Rin's conscious.
But Rin doesn't run, and Ai doesn't want to dig himself a six-foot hole, so. He closes his eyes and sets his jaw and tells himself that Rin was no stranger to running away, and if Ai had missed the mark, he would have hightailed it by now. He shifts his hand to momentarily, loosely draped along Rin's back, though a second later it's sunk down onto the couch, now wedged between the back cushion and Ai's body. Unsure what do to with himself when he's so painfully aware Rin would rather be anywhere else in the room right now.
I feel so--]
Momo-kun is more terrifying than you, [he taunts, trying so hard to keep his voice light. Somewhat awkwardly he digs around the both of them for wherever the remote landed on the couch, and eventually finds it and places it on his sternum for Rin to collect.]
Now put something on before we twist ourselves into knots.
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Date: 2025-09-13 02:49 am (UTC)rin huffs, and grabs the remote off of ai's chest, pressing his cheek against his ribs and just tries to let himself settle. it's what ai was trying to force him to do. right? he flicks through a few streaming services, settling on some american comedy (it has subtitles, don't think too hard trying to translate, ai) and he lets it slip through his fingertips onto the ground. his legs are bent a little, half draped over the couch before he tucks them closer to their bodies.
already, his breathing is a little evened out. slumped against his friend, even if they're at awkward ends with one another. it somehow feels relaxing, like that stupid first night he was here. and everything felt so light. sure, there's some underlying tension--things they'll have to deal with. reporters, olympian dreams and aspirations, whatever the hell is going on with the people in both of their lives. whatever the hell is going on with one another. rin's fingers curl a little bit, tightening in ai's shirt.
a little silence stretches between them. and rin can't deny how utterly exhausted he is. he can barely keep pace with the movie. after an exhilarating day full of highs and lows yesterday, straight into today full of decisions and panic. it's enough to weigh on anyone. rin can barely keep his eyes shut either. but he has the sense to mutter against ai's shirt]
....you're sure? I'm not making it weird again?
[because there's no denying rin is touchy. there's no denying rin fucked up their relationship beyond repair. but he's never not wanted ai close. even if he doesn't know what close means anymore--with haru...the realization of how ai and sousuke felt--feel--it's enough to wring him dry. but he likes physical touch, he likes it. it's selfish...]
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Date: 2025-09-13 03:13 am (UTC)Somehow, it felt normal. Identical to the nights in their first year where he'd check on a sweat-slicked Rin who had just jolted himself awake from a nightmare and needed to be brought back down to planet earth. This was no different. Ai's mind is so far off anything-- sentimental, so removed from understandable anxieties, so distracted by the movie and the gentle sound of Rin's even breathing that when Rin speaks, it takes Ai a moment to even register.
And he will not sigh. Or puff his chest. Or gnash his teeth. Because in this instance, he recognizes something astute that he hadn't before. Maybe it wasn't that Rin saw him as some dirty thing; his-- sentiments as landmines. Maybe it was just that Rin needed a bit of reassurance, and didn't know how to ask for it. Ai still can't fully shake the feeling that things would be so much better off if he'd just kept his mouth shut, but. It's some amount of relief; one tiny bandage to cover the many wounds he still hasn't dressed.
He smiles, even, if Rin's looking at him at all. Ai tilts his head down a bit to level Rin with it, paired with a knit brow line.] I put you here, didn't I? [He even steeples his fingers on Rin's back with that one.
Wonders, for a moment, how much peeling back the veneer could help or hurt. Maybe their peace this time was strong enough for it, so Ai tries.]
You never made it weird. [It was me. His voice grows just a touch quieter.] ... And there are several lines I'll never cross. I wouldn't before, and I won't now. I need you to understand that above all else, you're my friend.
[End of the line. In this instance, it's his sharpest sword, and Ai isn't afraid of spilling a little bit of blood in order to wield it.]
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