[He huffs, and Rin can probably hear it. It's true, Ai's head was usually tied on straight enough to give everyone else a nuisance. He left one hell of a legacy on Samezuka on account of his great discipline, after all. The very thing Rin nagged him for when they first roomed together one of his greatest assets after all.]
I think you'd all figure it out eventually.
[Because no, he doesn't value his work as a friend, but yes, right now he is struggling hard to view himself as anything other than disposable and, ideally, forgettable. Would make all of this a world of a lot easier.
Then Rin says that.
And now Ai's doubly glad he rolled over, because he cannot help the twisted, disgusting way his face grimaces around the start of water works. How such simple words have the power to build him up and break him down and do it about forty times in rapid succession. He chews harshly on the inside of his bottom lip, trying not to quiver or weep. His second attempt at taking a deep breath and exhaling a deep breath is way more shaky than the one he'd taken just minutes ago.]
I'm still human.
[And prone to breaking. And self-doubt, and deprecation, and despair. Prone to bad judgment calls and bullheadedness. Prone to giving up on a life dream because his feelings got hurt.
Rin's trust in him, his belief in him - that hurts, too. Once a motivation for Ai, a core facet of his drive, now it feels like an immense pressure he can't live up to. Feels like a countdown to an inevitable failure. Is this, too, how Rin felt when they first met?
It stirs that same place in his chest, the one that so badly craved reassurance and validation and acknowledgment, butterfly wings singed and turned to ash. The dust at the back of his throat makes him want to choke.]
[rin's not stupid. he knows his words have struck a chord. even if it's only evident by the way ai shuffles against his sheets, and maybe with a hitch of breath or two. sure he's not observant enough to pinpoint when ai's tears start, or the way he worries his lip raw. but maybe that's because with rin's back towards the room, he's in the same sort of position...too hell bent on making sure his own demeanor doesn't crack. all while he's trying to offer reassurance at the least.
being human is such a negative connotation. they're at the top of the world, and crush everything below their feet. it should be such a curated position in life, and yet they're still doomed to tread around in their own failures. and have the self recognition to stew in their miseries. sometimes for years.
though there's a slip. in rin's facade. because he's too emotional, and too weak. he never quite has been able to hold it all in before. and ai is too familiar with that isn't he? through all their years together...and a choked out sob rips through the background noise. the shame and dirty feeling of what transpired in this bed. his shame at getting them all in collective trouble somehow...something they can't even talk about until it comes to public light. well, at least beyond each other]
I always have.
[rin's voice feels so small, as he curls in on himself. there's no lie in his words. through it all, through all the trials and tribulations he's always believed ai would somehow pull through. a sniff equally escapes rin and he tries to scrub it away with his hand, grimacing a little at the water works curdling with snot on his face. gross. he hates that he's such an ugly crier. a matsuoka trait, apparently]
[He's heard Rin on the brink basically all evening, since Azuma left the room. Ai barely had time to comprehend when he'd first walked in, but if he reflects on it, it felt... Tense. Off. He still has no idea what transpired in his absence - wouldn't care to know - but if he did know, would still intuit that Rin's tumult bordered on unrelated. On something bigger, more broad.
Yet he held it together, about as well as Ai has been (so not, but hiding it where the other couldn't see it.) Suddenly hearing a sob rip from across the room has Ai's eyebrows furrowing, and he's immediately sitting up on one elbow, opposite hand pressing knuckles to his eyes to try and clean up the more enthusiastic tears that had managed to spill from his ducts.]
Senpai?
[Is it because Ai doesn't know how to respond to that? Maybe. For a declaration of Rin's belief and certainty placed in him to come after a night like last night feels like two wholly opposite ends of Ai are doing war in his system. But it's what Rin says after that leaves Ai openly staring at the expanse of Rin's back, where he's turned away.
A familiar feeling and word flits through his head: useless. Sitting here, shell-shocked into silence because he can't handle an iota of badly timed reassurance. More than that, cannot handle the implication that friendship and compassion were sore and sorry things. But Ai understands what Rin means: to stand on top of the world means to move beyond the threshold of a human. It means to curate one's abilities and psyche to mimic that of the titan. Something neither Rin nor Ai have been particularly good at historically.
... Between his loaded thoughts, something finally clicks. Between Rin's near-nudity and the weight he's been hiking on his shoulders seemingly since Ai returned to the room.
Ai tells himself he doesn't care.
He gets up off the bed, and goes to the small mini-fridge in the room. Extracts a bottle of water. Then to the desk just beside, and grabs the box of tissues. Quietly walks between Nanase and Rin's bed, enough to gently press the cool bottle to Rin's shoulder to alert him it's there, before placing it and the tissues on the nightstand. Ai doesn't immediately abscond back to his bed...]
Not "just." Also.
[Ai looks down at the carpet, before doing the thing he's best at: prioritizing others to offset having to deal with his own bullshit. Thinks back to that very first night they shared when Rin landed in his apartment, before everything shattered.]
[if only he knew. ai's true feelings. that he was so utterly useless, and a myriad of other probably similar self deprecating things. rin sucks in a breath, trying to choke down laughter at ai's kindness radiating again. like a damn beacon in a storm. he's always, always coveting rin somehow, even in small actions like this.
maybe there's still the edge of a chuckle in his tone, as he gently takes the offered goods, the cool on his shoulder a reassuring thing. just like always]
You're too good at that.
[kindness. being kind. doing things like that. rin doesn't deserve it. and while he rolls the water bottle between his fingertips, he thinks towards the same night. where he reacted to similar actions with the cruelest thing imaginable]
...I'm fine.
[it doesn't sound like a lie. rin himself believes it. or maybe he's just banking on he has to be okay. there's no other way around it right? no. he believes it. he has to face the consequences of his actions. and so rin turns to set ai with a hard stare of his own, one brow slightly raised]
What happens when too-close quarters and their temporary necessity disappear? What happens when Rin inevitably leaves for another foreign country? What happens when Ai globetrots somewhere else to rewrite his hurt? What happens when training is behind them and the dust is outside the closed door and it is nothing but them and their feelings and a world of choice ahead of them?
Ai realizes the answer hasn't ever really changed, its goalpost just moved. There was never a reality where the fragments of peace he's known over the past few months, this small fragment of peace now where Rin is looking him in the eye and questioning him sincerely, could last for long. Fragments aren't enough. There are people and dreams Rin looks toward to supply more than fragments, and Ai--
Has to figure that out, he guesses. After is terrifying. After is rewriting the entirety of his reality from the ground-up. It is questioning what dream he even has left, and next to whom he's standing to chase it. If chasing it at all merits any value anymore.
Rin's response seemed as honest as it could be, and so Ai owes him the same in turn. And what with the way Rin's nearly glowering into him, it's pretty impossible to miss the rueful bend of his eyebrows, and the almost resigned, yet fearful shrug of his shoulders.]
I don't know.
[But he knows that isn't a helpful answer. He's also cognizant not to ladle Rin with any more guilt. So he just-- holds that gaze. Lets Rin for a moment peer into those uncertain, unfocused, confused blue eyes. And his lips, for a split second, uptick with a genuine want for reassurance, before flatlining again.]
Well, I will be eventually. I just don't know what that looks like, yet.
[Ai turns, facing his bed. But not before gesturing some to the water bottle and alleviating Rin's first remark,]
That much is normal,
[-- before somewhat tepidly crawling back under his covers.]
[rin's not thinking of his after, his future. he's thinking of the ones of all those around him. the ones he's trashed and the ones he hasn't yet. his own future is so far from his mind, it's not even a blip on his radar. all the possibilities boil down to the agonizing unease amongst their group.
he takes a drink of the water bottle, finally breaking his gaze from ai's. he can hear that doubt, can almost taste it in how raw it permeates the air. he keeps ai's gaze steady through the corners of his own, suspicion and unease welling in his eyes. right. that's a stark reality to face isn't it?
...what does that look like? what future will happen after this awkward stint in a different country? rin's no fool. there will be friendlies in other countries, training camps back home and abroad. competition season soon underway and...all of a sudden, ai's apartment looks like some distant memory. a stranger he can barely discern through the crowd. it's barley been any time at all since they left, and yet]
Ai...
[but he pauses, sighing as he watches ai crawl back under his covers. and finally he jerks his gaze towards the side. he takes another pointed swig of the water, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand in the process. no, he wants to stop being selfish. he won't keep him up any longer. it's obvious ai was already just looking to crawl into bed when he got here...
and so, rin lays back down and stares blankly at the ceiling. not quite able to ignore the sounds that sound so far away of ai shifting every now and again under the covers. willing himself to disassociate back to sleep]
[He fights the urge to say I'm sorry. Fights the urge to start one of their spirals. Because the way Rin calls his name is so profoundly agonizing that Ai's very first instinct is to try and assuage. It helps that he still truly believes at the center of all these missteps is himself. If only he'd been a better friend, better able to support Rin. A stronger man, able to convincingly say no to his desire. A better athlete, seeded into a different team. A better person, knowing the dangers of falling for your friend. So what could Rin possibly say that Ai doesn't have a handmade rebuttle for?
It isn't that he ignores him, except-- for once, it kind of is. Because sat right next to the apprehension of guilt is the tiredness from all the fighting. Last night basically wrecked him, and he still hasn't recovered from the emotional lows of it-- let alone the days, weeks, months prior of. Everything.
... Yet he shifts. And tosses, and turns. In the same predicament as last night, painfully aware he's too wound up and anxious to let himself fade into slumber. And that one syllable of Rin's hand-hewn nickname for him hangs pitifully at the forefront of his consciousness. It is barely even five minutes before he tentatively rolls back over, facing Rin's bed.
...
Seemingly has to work up the wherewithal, but... After a few beats of silence, a quiet voice comes.]
We're still friends. [Right? The unasked question will remain unbid in his mind only.] And I'm still me. So... If it's you, nothing's really different. Senpai, you don't have to worry.
[He can only guess why Rin had beckoned him, and so his reassurances are almost trite. But he himself needs to hear them, too. Rin isn't the team. Rin never was or is his lover. All of the don't know what it looks like yets are solidly just the panes through which Ai views the world, not its contents.]
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no subject
Date: 2026-03-10 03:35 am (UTC)I think you'd all figure it out eventually.
[Because no, he doesn't value his work as a friend, but yes, right now he is struggling hard to view himself as anything other than disposable and, ideally, forgettable. Would make all of this a world of a lot easier.
Then Rin says that.
And now Ai's doubly glad he rolled over, because he cannot help the twisted, disgusting way his face grimaces around the start of water works. How such simple words have the power to build him up and break him down and do it about forty times in rapid succession. He chews harshly on the inside of his bottom lip, trying not to quiver or weep. His second attempt at taking a deep breath and exhaling a deep breath is way more shaky than the one he'd taken just minutes ago.]
I'm still human.
[And prone to breaking. And self-doubt, and deprecation, and despair. Prone to bad judgment calls and bullheadedness. Prone to giving up on a life dream because his feelings got hurt.
Rin's trust in him, his belief in him - that hurts, too. Once a motivation for Ai, a core facet of his drive, now it feels like an immense pressure he can't live up to. Feels like a countdown to an inevitable failure. Is this, too, how Rin felt when they first met?
It stirs that same place in his chest, the one that so badly craved reassurance and validation and acknowledgment, butterfly wings singed and turned to ash. The dust at the back of his throat makes him want to choke.]
... Thank you. For still believing in me.
no subject
Date: 2026-03-10 03:45 am (UTC)being human is such a negative connotation. they're at the top of the world, and crush everything below their feet. it should be such a curated position in life, and yet they're still doomed to tread around in their own failures. and have the self recognition to stew in their miseries. sometimes for years.
though there's a slip. in rin's facade. because he's too emotional, and too weak. he never quite has been able to hold it all in before. and ai is too familiar with that isn't he? through all their years together...and a choked out sob rips through the background noise. the shame and dirty feeling of what transpired in this bed. his shame at getting them all in collective trouble somehow...something they can't even talk about until it comes to public light. well, at least beyond each other]
I always have.
[rin's voice feels so small, as he curls in on himself. there's no lie in his words. through it all, through all the trials and tribulations he's always believed ai would somehow pull through. a sniff equally escapes rin and he tries to scrub it away with his hand, grimacing a little at the water works curdling with snot on his face. gross. he hates that he's such an ugly crier. a matsuoka trait, apparently]
I'm just human, after all.
no subject
Date: 2026-03-10 04:04 am (UTC)Yet he held it together, about as well as Ai has been (so not, but hiding it where the other couldn't see it.) Suddenly hearing a sob rip from across the room has Ai's eyebrows furrowing, and he's immediately sitting up on one elbow, opposite hand pressing knuckles to his eyes to try and clean up the more enthusiastic tears that had managed to spill from his ducts.]
Senpai?
[Is it because Ai doesn't know how to respond to that? Maybe. For a declaration of Rin's belief and certainty placed in him to come after a night like last night feels like two wholly opposite ends of Ai are doing war in his system. But it's what Rin says after that leaves Ai openly staring at the expanse of Rin's back, where he's turned away.
A familiar feeling and word flits through his head: useless. Sitting here, shell-shocked into silence because he can't handle an iota of badly timed reassurance. More than that, cannot handle the implication that friendship and compassion were sore and sorry things. But Ai understands what Rin means: to stand on top of the world means to move beyond the threshold of a human. It means to curate one's abilities and psyche to mimic that of the titan. Something neither Rin nor Ai have been particularly good at historically.
... Between his loaded thoughts, something finally clicks. Between Rin's near-nudity and the weight he's been hiking on his shoulders seemingly since Ai returned to the room.
Ai tells himself he doesn't care.
He gets up off the bed, and goes to the small mini-fridge in the room. Extracts a bottle of water. Then to the desk just beside, and grabs the box of tissues. Quietly walks between Nanase and Rin's bed, enough to gently press the cool bottle to Rin's shoulder to alert him it's there, before placing it and the tissues on the nightstand. Ai doesn't immediately abscond back to his bed...]
Not "just." Also.
[Ai looks down at the carpet, before doing the thing he's best at: prioritizing others to offset having to deal with his own bullshit. Thinks back to that very first night they shared when Rin landed in his apartment, before everything shattered.]
Rin-senpai, are you sure you'll be okay?
no subject
Date: 2026-03-15 12:55 am (UTC)maybe there's still the edge of a chuckle in his tone, as he gently takes the offered goods, the cool on his shoulder a reassuring thing. just like always]
You're too good at that.
[kindness. being kind. doing things like that. rin doesn't deserve it. and while he rolls the water bottle between his fingertips, he thinks towards the same night. where he reacted to similar actions with the cruelest thing imaginable]
...I'm fine.
[it doesn't sound like a lie. rin himself believes it. or maybe he's just banking on he has to be okay. there's no other way around it right? no. he believes it. he has to face the consequences of his actions. and so rin turns to set ai with a hard stare of his own, one brow slightly raised]
Are you going to be okay?
no subject
Date: 2026-03-15 01:16 am (UTC)What happens when too-close quarters and their temporary necessity disappear? What happens when Rin inevitably leaves for another foreign country? What happens when Ai globetrots somewhere else to rewrite his hurt? What happens when training is behind them and the dust is outside the closed door and it is nothing but them and their feelings and a world of choice ahead of them?
Ai realizes the answer hasn't ever really changed, its goalpost just moved. There was never a reality where the fragments of peace he's known over the past few months, this small fragment of peace now where Rin is looking him in the eye and questioning him sincerely, could last for long. Fragments aren't enough. There are people and dreams Rin looks toward to supply more than fragments, and Ai--
Has to figure that out, he guesses. After is terrifying. After is rewriting the entirety of his reality from the ground-up. It is questioning what dream he even has left, and next to whom he's standing to chase it. If chasing it at all merits any value anymore.
Rin's response seemed as honest as it could be, and so Ai owes him the same in turn. And what with the way Rin's nearly glowering into him, it's pretty impossible to miss the rueful bend of his eyebrows, and the almost resigned, yet fearful shrug of his shoulders.]
I don't know.
[But he knows that isn't a helpful answer. He's also cognizant not to ladle Rin with any more guilt. So he just-- holds that gaze. Lets Rin for a moment peer into those uncertain, unfocused, confused blue eyes. And his lips, for a split second, uptick with a genuine want for reassurance, before flatlining again.]
Well, I will be eventually. I just don't know what that looks like, yet.
[Ai turns, facing his bed. But not before gesturing some to the water bottle and alleviating Rin's first remark,]
That much is normal,
[-- before somewhat tepidly crawling back under his covers.]
no subject
Date: 2026-03-15 01:36 am (UTC)yet. his own future is so far from his mind, it's not even a blip on his radar. all the possibilities boil down to the agonizing unease amongst their group.he takes a drink of the water bottle, finally breaking his gaze from ai's. he can hear that doubt, can almost taste it in how raw it permeates the air. he keeps ai's gaze steady through the corners of his own, suspicion and unease welling in his eyes. right. that's a stark reality to face isn't it?
...what does that look like? what future will happen after this awkward stint in a different country? rin's no fool. there will be friendlies in other countries, training camps back home and abroad. competition season soon underway and...all of a sudden, ai's apartment looks like some distant memory. a stranger he can barely discern through the crowd. it's barley been any time at all since they left, and yet]
Ai...
[but he pauses, sighing as he watches ai crawl back under his covers. and finally he jerks his gaze towards the side. he takes another pointed swig of the water, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand in the process. no, he wants to stop being selfish. he won't keep him up any longer. it's obvious ai was already just looking to crawl into bed when he got here...
and so, rin lays back down and stares blankly at the ceiling. not quite able to ignore the sounds that sound so far away of ai shifting every now and again under the covers. willing himself to disassociate back to sleep]
no subject
Date: 2026-03-15 01:50 am (UTC)It isn't that he ignores him, except-- for once, it kind of is. Because sat right next to the apprehension of guilt is the tiredness from all the fighting. Last night basically wrecked him, and he still hasn't recovered from the emotional lows of it-- let alone the days, weeks, months prior of. Everything.
... Yet he shifts. And tosses, and turns. In the same predicament as last night, painfully aware he's too wound up and anxious to let himself fade into slumber. And that one syllable of Rin's hand-hewn nickname for him hangs pitifully at the forefront of his consciousness. It is barely even five minutes before he tentatively rolls back over, facing Rin's bed.
...
Seemingly has to work up the wherewithal, but... After a few beats of silence, a quiet voice comes.]
We're still friends. [Right? The unasked question will remain unbid in his mind only.] And I'm still me. So... If it's you, nothing's really different. Senpai, you don't have to worry.
[He can only guess why Rin had beckoned him, and so his reassurances are almost trite. But he himself needs to hear them, too. Rin isn't the team. Rin never was or is his lover. All of the don't know what it looks like yets are solidly just the panes through which Ai views the world, not its contents.]