for @buttterfly - post-tfln

[taeru]

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[taeru]

Ai's not entirely sure which is worse, a painfully silent car ride where all three of them are thinking the same thing but not saying a damn word, or one where one or more of them are desperate to fill the space, playing Olympic-level gymnastics to dodge the obvious landmines.

Turns out, Rin is not only an Olympic swimmer, he is also an Olympic gymnast, and has somehow managed to land on the mat of a secret, worse third option: truth or dare. Ai sits up and off the window, just enough to roll his eyes all the way to the back of his skull, body bobbling slightly with the jostle of the car as Sousuke pulls out to the main road.

I don't want to. I don't want to! Let me wallow in peace! I let you wallow in peace! It's written all over his face. And yet there is still something about levity between friends and something of a duty to not be the sourpuss that has him engaging anyway.

He looks at Rin. It's a very I will not forgive you for forcing me to socialize look that is no longer bothering to hide the other bits of his upset that are equally as obvious but nowhere near on the table to discuss, and then looks to Sousuke, ready to aim and fire.

"You've already forgotten the rules, senpai. I have to ask something else first." He closes his eyes and leans the side of his head against the back of the seat. "Sousuke-senpai, truth or dare?"

[buttterfly]

Rin is a master at keeping conversation moving away from awkward. Even if it then turns into a different kind of awkward, thanks.

"Don't be a prick." Rin scoffs, muttering under his breath as he pulls himself back towards the backseat. He crosses his arms, letting the side of his head press against the window much akin to whatever Ai is doing up front right now.

Sousuke looks very much like he wants nothing to do with this. But he plays along. Because he too is in awkwardland with the other fuckers in his car, and there's only one way out.

"I think a dare would be bad given I'm driving... so truth."

[taeru]

And so Ai arrives at an impasse.

It'd be like playing with fire in an oil rig at this point. Ai has to scrounge his expression and pout his lips a little to attempt and rub his two remaining braincells together to cut through the fog and think of something worth answering that wouldn't accidentally set the whole car ablaze.

He's also very aware Sousuke would rather not be playing. Well... This is perhaps the side of him that is forever loyal to Rin: the side of him that likes making Sousuke wear that exasperated, deadpan expression from time to time.

It isn't enough to satisfy my curiosity... It needs to be something that won't upset Rin-senpai, too. Or bore him, for that matter. Ai hums as he thinks. This is harder than I thought...

"Mm... Alright. I'm generous, so you can answer one of two ways." Ai holds up two fingers. "You're now thinking of your favourite body part. You can either tell us the body part, or who between me and Rin-senpai you think it's best on, but you can't answer both."

[buttterfly]

Oh. Ai is good at this, Rin thinks to himself for a moment. He can watch the emotions play out on his face, watches the way his brow furrows as he finally settles on something. Then his gaze whips back to Sousuke, who stares at the road blankly.

Almost like he didn't hear the question at all.

But the answer is so dead pan and genuine, it would have knocked Rin flat on his ass had he been standing in any capacity. But he's not, so he just settles for staring bug eyed at his friend. Rin is truly and genuinely--

"Tits. Kind of a no brainer." Rin can't stifle the snort that rips out of him, because it's also so ambiguous it could literally apply to anyone, anything, any gender. Rin coughs into the back of his hand, eyes squeezing shut as he tries to fight the laughter.

"No offense Sou, but uh. You don't really strike me as..." Sousuke looks up through the rearview mirror, still stoic and without blinking just tosses back.

"Guys have them too, even if we can't all have ones as nice as yours."

[taeru]

Ai kind of laughs without laughing, smile playing on his lips in a way that's half-way cut between teasing and bemused. The laughter does come out a little at Rin's quip though. Not that he wants to squabble over Sousuke's sexuality, but--

"I think Sousuke-senpai could play the entire world if he put his mind to it." Read: if he was more of a slut he'd be happy to bag anyone. And could.

Sousuke's following retort has Ai tutting him though!

"I said you can't answer both!" And lo, Ai sinks down a bit into his seat, because if there one person in this car who isn't beefed to hell and back, it's him. All lithe muscle and tendons and borderline svelte proportions; he made peace long ago that he wouldn't ever be able to pack on muscle the same way his colleagues do.

Through a pout he would insist is not on his lips, "It's your turn, Sousuke-senpai."

How quickly something so stupid and vapid had torn him out of his own brain, misery packed into the trunk of his mind for now. Even if it's just for a little while. That was Rin's charm.

[buttterfly]

It's because Rin's got coping mechanisms for Days™. If anyone can pull their head out of the depression kitty, it's him.

"Don't be so self conscious. I told you girls like pretty and little these days."

Which just has Rin. Squinting. Suddenly, those twenty or however long minutes they were gone is the most fascinating thing ever. Rin wonders what could have possibly transpired. Except now he doesn't, because he saw the way Ai teetered back to the car and he never wants to see that ever ever again.

Rin swallows, leaning back against the seat a little, scratching the back of his neck. But then he sees Ai sinking into his seat, and Rin laughs again. Rin tilts his head with a hum. He can see Sousuke's fingers gripping the steering wheel like he's trying to not let all that out in some booming laugh.

"Rules, schmules. The fact is--"

"Ai. Truth or dare? I promise I won't be as mean as passenger princess back there."

"Don't interrupt me!!"

[taeru]

Ai doesn't even have it in him to pretend to be offended. He had been the one to want to see Sousuke exasperated, but it seems the monkey paw has curled, and now Ai is sitting with crossed arms and an expression so thousands of miles away, eyeline so straight, eyebrows so flat, one could imagine him looking into a studio camera.

"I won't try to contest pretty a second time, but little? Even Nagisa-kun is smaller than I am...!" Is it a complex? Maybe. Ai never thought much about his slighter figure until the boys around him seemed to exponentially grow in height and mass and it seemed he missed his cue.

Rin's laughing, though. And Sousuke looks like he's about to. And then his two seniors are talking over one another, and despite his mostly put-on pout, Ai can't help but crack a genuine, lopsided smile.

"I don't like it when you two team up. It's dangerous."

And balks when he hears his name! Clears his throat, "I can handle it." And then, without hesitation, "Dare, please." Because he is absolutely not in a mental state to handle revealing anything at the present time, no matter how innocuous. He trusted Sousuke of all people not to ask anything inflammatory anyway, but it was an extra layer of security for his psyche.

[buttterfly]

Sousuke and Rin pass a glance at each other through the rear view mirror, and something unspoken passes between them. Rin grins, putting his arms behind his head, tilting it back and letting the show play out in front of him.

Sousuke hums, making a left turn. They're still a ways from Ai's place, and traffic is as traffic is in Tokyo. Sousuke braces his chin on one hand, looking rather deep in thought for a minute. Before he finally smirks as well.

"You did say you could handle it."

And Rin pulls the collar of his jacket up a bit, shrinking down as much as humanely possible in the seat. Because he doesn't want anyone seeing him associated with this. Or maybe he's just bracing himself. But he knows. Sousuke rolls the windows down, and looks over at Ai with the most innocent looking smile conjurable.

"Every time the car turns left, you have to scream like you're on a roller coaster."

[taeru]

Ai can sense it. It isn't an intuition, nor is it a secret sixth sense. It's more akin to anticipating a danger before it happens. Some call them prophets; others call them boys who cry wolf.

But Ai knows his friends, and can just tell from the lingering silence that whatever is coming out of Sousuke's mouth next is going to be his personal hell likely for the remainder of the car ride. He's specifically looking at Rin at first, accusatorily, as if to try and deduce what accursed brain waves have you sent to Sousuke-senpai?, and then Sousuke drops his dare.

On the one hand, it could have been much, MUCH worse. On the other hand?

Ai will happily joke around. He can be silly, even funny; especially witty. He can read a room better than most. He's not only jovial, but incredibly good at being a friend.

He draws a line at embarrassing himself on purpose.

"Why!" he balks, sinking into his car seat. "You had the entire world at your fingertips, and you chose something like this...?" And yet who is Ai kidding? Sousuke or Rin say jump, he'll always ask how high. Sousuke pulls a left after a light.

Ai hesitates.

"Aaaahh." It's incredibly lukewarm. Though to his credit, his hands are raised above his head. "Can we just-- Rin-senpai, it's your turn." No it isn't, but Ai says now it is.

[buttterfly]

It’s stupid and equally hysterical.

Sousuke and Rin barely have any composure left to begin with after the ups and downs of the day. But this is rejuvenating in its own right. And they both fucking lose it at Ai’s half hearted attempt to play along. To the point where Sousuke almost swerves into someone. But eh. Details.

Rin is acutely aware he’s in the spotlight now, and groans. Ugh. He’s such a pussy. His head is wrought after everything, even with that fresh bought of laughter they’ve been able to indulge in. He tilts his head, staring at a very interesting flower shop they drive by.

Before he decidedly sighs, and leans his head back.

”Ugh, fine. Truth. Can’t be worse than whatever you assholes already know about me.”

[taeru]

Ai does manage to crack a smile at how immediately reticent Rin looked to play, despite this entire game being his suggestion. It's cute, Ai thinks. And immediately after that recognition settles, he clears his throat to himself. How convenient, another left turn; he lets loose another equally unenthused "Aaaa.", and yet because he can't at least put some effort into the things he does, his god damn hands are in the air again. Win some, lose some.

"Don't worry, I'll ask something nice." Anything with meat to it would undoubtedly cast the entire car into a black pit, and Ai is trying extremely hard to not do that. Looks to Sousuke as if he could impart some amount of inspiration. And then in a stroke of genius, it comes to Ai, and he looks over the middle console to level-set Rin with an expression of determination that, to any weaker foe, may make them shrink.

"You once cared for an abandoned kitten on campus." That gets Sousuke looking at Rin through the rearview. Ai also knows for a fact Rin didn't know Ai knew. But details. Ai continues, "You absolutely imprinted on it, and so I know you gave it a name." He points at Rin. "What did you name it?"

[buttterfly]

The best part of this ride is absolutely Ai sticking true to his dare, even if the nature of is a bit half-hearted. It's something and even Sousuke can't help but snort everytime it happens.

I'll ask something nice. Rin's eye twitches, because nice can go multiple different ways. But he's happy Ai is gentle to him after a tumultuous day. Or at least as gentle as he can be given the circumstances of the game Rin himself suggested. He hates that look. It absolutely makes him shrink.

Then it hits him.

Perhaps one of his biggest moments of shame.

It was winter, and pouring rain out. Rin in his pissy state was stalking around campus, after being poured on during a job, like the world owed him some apology. He pulled his hood up, but he heard the faintest little mew from the statue. It was a pitiful sight. A little gray kitten, wailing it's head off, soaking wet. Everytime it tried to venture out from the barest cover the statue gave it, it would get sopping wet and cry again.

And oh it looked at Rin with the most devastating look, with blue eyes that would make any person fucking melt. And so he knelt down before it, picking it up and stuffing it in his jacket.

Keeping it a secret was not an easy feat. Rin kept telling himself it was just until it got old enough to do whatever cats do, and fend for itself. He snuck food from the lunch hall to it, shoved it in the closet when he was gone, did everything he could to keep it quiet.

Eventually, swimming began to overtake him and he couldn't keep it under wraps anymore. Not from Ai. Not from the whole fucking dormitory. Begrudgingly, he reached out to Makoto, asking if he had any ideas. This was still in full peak Haru-makes-me-angry mode, and so Makoto offered to take it because Haru had a ton of stray cats he fed around his house.

As far as Rin knew, it still lived over there and the Tachibana's fed the cats while Haru was in university. That stupid cat had the same eyes as Haru anyways so it was fitting. Liked fish. Was fussy beyond belief. Fitting to live at the Nanase residence.

But something else sinks in him because that fucking meant Ai knew the cat was there all along. Sousuke looks at Rin through the rear view mirror, almost missing a turn in the process. Rin's jaw is still hanging open, his face burning. He twists his gaze to look out the window, muttering under his breathe.

"...Sakura."

"Why am I not surprised."

[taeru]

Ai can't exactly say he's surprised.

It was one of the most bizarre winters of his life. Emotions often flying high on account of the walking basket case that was his roommate, oscillating from extreme emotional projection one evening to a nearly domestic coexistence the next morning. It was commonplace for Ai to trail behind Rin to and fro, even sometimes accompanying him on his jogs. Once or twice, Ai noticed Rin had gotten up unusually early, or would only start a jog a bit later than usual but not even ask Ai if he wanted to come.

He wouldn't call it stalking. In fact, his intentions had been nothing but selfless; this unusual behaviour had all come about only after Ai learned about Rin's father, after all. And so on those weirder days, those days that didn't quite make sense, Ai would slip on his jogging shoes and trail after Rin from a distance. And the very first time he chose to do so, he'd seen delinquent Matsuoka caring tenderly for a too tiny grey kitten in the rain, likely separated from its mother.

Ai kept tabs on it and on Rin for only a few more weeks until feeling satisfied for himself that the cat would be alright - that, and he noticed Rin sneaking out at unusual hours much less often, those invitations to jog together back on the table. The memory makes Ai smile something incredibly fond, which cuts straight through the near-permanent undercurrent of resignation he's been wearing since the moment he came back to the car.

"I still don't understand why you wanted to hide something so sweet. I would have helped." Sakura, huh? Ai misses a left turn and chooses not to care. "The name fits. It's just like you, Rin-senpai."

"Ai."

He pouts! Gives his best lukewarm aaahhh, and then mutters, "Can't you drive faster?"

"Where's the fun in that?" Sousuke pings Rin through the rearview. "Your turn to ask. Be nice."

[buttterfly]

"Augh, don't get all sappy." Rin huffs, trying (and failing) to bury his face into the back of Sousuke's seat. It does little to hide him from his shame, alas. He should have known Ai would be cool with it, it was stupid to consider anything otherwise. "Wasn't exactly the year I had my head on straight, y'know."

At least Sousuke forcing Ai back into their stupid game at every left turn helps pull him out of his funk.

His turn, huh? Well. He stares between Ai and Sousuke. But figures that Ai having to keep up with this roller coaster shenanigan is still kind of perfect. So he smirks, and puts his chin on the back of Sousuke's seat instead. A contemplative hum escapes him, he tilts his head like he's in deep thought (he's not).

"Alright tough guy, truth or dare."

[taeru]

Ai could tease, but his energy is depleted enough for it to be a bygone. That and the current mood in the car was quite light, and he was eager to keep it that way; bringing up the specificities of first year seemed a little dangerous, even if Ai's refrain for years since has been I forgave you then and I forgive you now. It dawns on Ai that quite a bit of it is lost on Sousuke, too, with whom Ai never shared details. It didn't seem like his place. He can't rule out Rin having told Sousuke all about that time, though.

Ai relents when Rin hones on his target, leaning back into the seat a bit, and lolling over so that his head is pressed to the window glass.

Sousuke looks at Rin through the rear-view, a slow blink accompanying an expression that seems completely unmoved.

"Truth." It's a long, straight stretch of road; he playfully bats his hand over his shoulder, as if to shoo Rin away.

"Our lives are in his hands," Ai chimes from the passenger seat, "Please don't ask anything that would make the side rail look more appealing."

"I would never," Sousuke inflects, ghost of a smile upticking his lips, "My insurance isn't that good."

[buttterfly]

"What do you take me for, some suicidal maniac?"

Rin laughs, holding up his hands in a mock surrender. "You tank once and suddenly everyone thinks you're going to make the driver crash." He very much does not point out that this is the only thing keeping him from spiraling into that stupid wallowing of despair to begin with. Thank you very much.

"Okay. What's the dumbest injury you've ever lied about?"

Okay, low blow. But Rin smirks and pulls his head away from Sousuke's seat, leaning back against the backseat. It's not terribly roomy or anything, but Rin can at least sit cross legged a little bit. Feels a little better that way to just keep some sort of pressure flowing through his body, after all. He shakes his head.

"Kidding. Alright, anything you wish you did differently back in high school? You know besides the whole lying about injuries for a whole year bit. Hard to top that."

[taeru]

Ai wouldn't have thought Rin to attempt such a thing, anyway. The one time he worried about it sincerely, Rin nearly balked at him as if he'd asked if Rin had five heads. It was a measure of relief to have seen him at his lowest and yet get the confirmation that the idea of such a thing was nowhere near on Rin's mind... Or so he let on.

"Senpai!" Ai admonishes when Rin gives his first pass at a question, meanwhile Sousuke nearly rolls his eyes to the back of his skull. Reaction had potential to be more volatile, but thankfully Sousuke is riding the high of his second Olympic qualifier, and bad rotator cuffs are - for now - a thing of the past.

Sousuke exhales once and thick through his nostrils, "Ai caught on. There was nothing stopping you from snooping either." It's a taunt, even if a bit meanspirited; Sousuke did try to hide it, after all. But he and Ai had been in close... Very close quarters, making it easier for Ai to eventually sniff out the obvious.

Ai un-subtly clears his throat, "Only because I saw you working out with your shoulder guard..."

Sousuke seems intently focused on the road as he mulls over the question, keen to give an honest answer. Some responses were obvious, but would do little to keep the mood as it was. So a kinder answer lands in his lap.

"A couple things." He tries to catch Rin's eye through the mirror. "But I wish I came to Samezuka sooner."

[buttterfly]

"Look, I was busy making sure all your asses qualified for Nationals. You two, and about twenty other bodies." He huffs, rubbing his hand along the back of his neck. Maybe he should have noticed. Really, it should have been more obvious to him. He knows there's no excuse, even if Sousuke had never come forward with the truth. There's that tiny prick when he looks between them again.

The one that knows so much more transpired between them. And fuck, where was he that whole time?

Logically, he knows better. Rin was trying to get everyone in top form, alongside himself. That coupled with Haru's fucking "weh i don't wanna talk about the future" had him in a chokehold. But still, he feels like a bad friend. Not noticing the injury, not noticing what Ai and Sousuke had been doing all those late nights...

The follow up answer surprises him though. Rin blinks at Sousuke through the mirror, perching his chin on his hand, elbow digging into the meat of his thigh. He looks contemplative, because there could be a million different answers to this. But maybe Rin knows the actual answer is as obvious as ever.

"...so we could have swam together longer?"

He ventures carefully, swallowing and licking his lips. Maybe that's a stupidly self centered thought, but it fits. After everything he's learned recently after all.

[taeru]

He knows Rin didn't mean for it to sting, but. The sad, ugly, pitiful truth was Ai had been on the bottom rung of their team, and it took a borderline miracle in the form of Rin's fire and Sousuke's guidance to get him to a place where he didn't feel like a walking embarrassment day in and day out. Everyone on Samezuka worked hard, but none worked as hard as he did, and Ai knows this for a fact. Not because he had some super work ethic (though he did) - it was only because he had the largest gap in skill to make up for.

Ai clears his throat.

"You were busy." It's what he always told himself, too, to salve over the occasional hurt, untoward or otherwise. In first year from blatant mistreatment; in second year from being sidelined. Funny, he thinks, how things have a tendency not to change--

Sousuke's answer thankfully keeps Ai's thought from spiraling for the umpteenth time that afternoon, Ai looking to him with a knowing, soft expression.

Sousuke, for his part, smiles. "Of course," is his sincere answer. And after just a moment of silence, Sousuke shrugs by way of his lips and tacks on, "I made up for it on the backend. So maybe it's a useless regret."

[buttterfly]

"Yeah. Busy." He stares out the window blankly, Sousuke quickly dragging him out of it at least. Rin shakes his head, lodging that glum feeling loose.

"No such thing." Rin scoffs, letting his head press against the windshield. He knows Ai's house is creeping closer. And with it comes some. Discussion, or at least something. There's a thousand apologies fresh on Rin's tongue, things he's already recited time and time again. But maybe they can brush it aside for the night, ride the highs of the day, or something.

"Useless regret is shit. It's okay to wish things had gone differently." Rin's legs instinctively pull as close to his body as he can. "But don't spend too much time mulling either, right? Doubt you'd be pleased to hear me and Ai crying about your shoulder. And look how that turned out in the end."

An amazing recovery is what.

"Just feel what you need to."

[taeru]

It's okay to wish things had gone differently. A universal sentiment. One that has Sousuke suddenly focusing on the road, expression unreadable; and one that has Ai purposefully missing their last left turn, finding he's completely out of the mental energy to conjure to smooth over his embarrassment long enough to make it happen.

Regret was a heavy word, he thinks. It implied action, and wishing to take back that action. Ai finds himself wondering how much of the present is his fault, something he could regret, and how much of it was ordained punishment. Come on, Aiichirou, he mentally scolds, You're an Olympic qualifier. Think of the important things for now.

He purses his lips, hikes his shoulders, sidles up against the window-- all attempts at trying to release pent-up steam from his body, and none of it is working. This car ride is suddenly feeling way too long. At once, Ai barks,

"I only have so many tissues, so please feel an appropriate amount."

It is very obviously put on, constructed specifically to cut the looming tension; Sousuke immediately replies with one of those snarky smiles of his, pulling down a residential road.

"Don't think I'm the one that needs that advice."

Sousuke puts the car in park on the corner of Ai and Rin's apartment. Turns to look at Rin in his back seat, leveling him with a sincere, stern expression. "You did good today. If you're not proud, I'll have a bone to pick later." Turns forward in his seat again, lolling his cheek against his knuckles, other hand on the wheel. "Now get out of my car."

"Thank you, senpai." Ai might've reached over to hug Sousuke if he had his wits; without them, he only levels him with a smile, repeats to himself that he's an Olympic qualifier, and performs his hardest feat all day: unbuckles his seatbelt, steps out of Sousuke's car, and begins fishing for his keys. Figures with the length of time they spent driving, Rin would be fine to get out on his own, but Ai's prepared to help him with the steps, so Ai's circling the car to come to Rin's door.

"Let's go home."

[buttterfly]

The looming presence of losing Sousuke pangs Rin a little bit.

Maybe because he wanted to keep pushing off the tension, it was easy to do with a third party, who's dry humor could cut through anything. Or maybe it's because he's dimly aware that even though they're on the same team again, it doesn't quite feel like it did back in the day. Growing up, changing. For a brief moment in time, the car felt like some blast to the past. Rin bristles under Sousuke's words. And he scoffs, grabbing his bag and unbuckling his seatbelt.

"Pick away, asshole." Rin reaches over to squeeze Sousuke's arm. Maybe tighter than necessary, but something floods Rin's gaze and he suddenly feels like he's blinking back tears. "Thanks. See you later." It's an open offer, maybe Sousuke can text him more, maybe they can finish the talk they never did another time.

He lets go, and crawls out when Ai gets his door. His leg is still a touch sore, but he manages okay, tossing his bag over his shoulder with one last, solemn look at Sousuke's car. Sousuke looks at them through an open window, and maybe Rin sees a little reflection of what he's feeling in his own mind reflected in Sousuke's eyes. All before he gives them a little salute, and begins to drive away.

Rin stares after the car for a moment, before sighing and turning back towards Ai. "Yeah. Time to go home." And starts heading for the door.

[taeru]

Ai feels it, too. Sousuke leaves and drags with him by the scruff one of the only semblances of peace and familiarity the three of them had had all day, especially amongst each other. He was adrift again, alone with his feelings and no one with whom to share them. No one to reflect back at him. He shared that vulnerability with Rin, but did not trust himself that bearing his soul in the same way would net out in his favour.

It's selfish, he suddenly catches himself thinking, the way I rely on him. As Ai climbs the stairs - and minds Rin, constantly looking up at him to measure his step and make sure he was alright on his own - he realizes it was one of the only things he felt in control of, amongst all of it. Which might be why he chooses to latch onto that guilt, and not the guilt over everything that is about to smack him and Rin both in the face the moment he opens his door.

And speaking of. They make it to the landing, and Ai fishes his keys out; opens the door and, as always, waits for Rin to enter first. But Ai for his part seems stuck in the mouth just outside the entryway, unable to move. And then suddenly, he's fishing in his pocket.

"Oh! Hold on, let me make a phone call before we get settled." He pulls out his cell, "My parents are probably waiting to know." And he doubts Mikhail has called his mother; it's more likely his uncle was presently out getting drunk either with or because of Ryuji. "I'll come in in a little bit."

Him needing to make the phone call was truthful, but his timing was suspect at best; it's blatantly obvious Ai is postponing the inevitable.

[buttterfly]

He knows the second Ai says it, he's aiming for something else.

Rin blinks back at him after toeing off his shoes in the genkan. It's an obvious ploy to put some space or something between them again. And somehow, Rin knew this would happen the moment Sousuke left them. But, he doesn't fight against the inevitable. Already, this house feels a little more suffocating than before. But Rin just smiles, and nods back at Ai with a little wave.

"Go for it. Take all the time you need." His stomach is yelling at him anyways, so he can use it as an excuse to distract himself with that. Even if the prospect of food currently makes him want to puke. So Rin hauls himself inside, staring around the apartment for a moment.

Why does it feel so much bigger than before?

His fingers run through his hair less than gently, and he forces himself over to the fridge. Mental aptitude be damned right now, he can at least fucking figure this out. He tries to bite back tears from tanking, Ai and Sousuke having some inevitable conversation to give him and Haru space, the repercussions that will surely come from him and Haru having some grandiose talk. When in reality it was far from that. Just a few words and reassurances. Rin wonders why Haru bothered in the first place?

He shakes the thought loose, dumping some leftover curry in a bowl, and heating it up. It's not much, but something that he can easily choke down. He leaves the rest in a dish for Ai whenever he's done on the phone. Rin tries to tell himself Ai gives him his space when he needs it, and Rin shouldn't be a stupid fucker and should do the same.

Food tastes bitter, but he picks at it best he can, not even bothering to sit. Leaning against the counter, his leg bent a bit taking the pressure off as he's lost deep in thought. He puts his food down for a moment, pulling his phone out of his pocket. His thumb brushes over his phone, and he spares a glance towards the door, before making a call of his own.

His Mom answers on the first ring. Miyako's voice sounds gentle, though laced with concern.

"Honey... are you okay?"

And Rin fucking loses it.

All the weeks of frustration, all the months of locking himself away from people. He never even told his mom and Gou he moved back, they just knew he was there for the All Japan. And Miyako Matsuoka is far from stupid. She knows when her son has a chip on his shoulder and she knows when he needs his space. She's always so happy to accomadate him. Rin sniffs, fingers digging into the countertop.

"Yeah. Sorry for bailing earlier...did you and Gou get back to Yuna's alright?"

"Yeah, we're fine. You want to tell me what's going on? Or do we need to have a repeat of when you came back from Australia?" Rin chuckles softly, pulling at his hair again, trying to ground himself.

"Are you gonna be pissed if I tell you I've been back in Japan for a few months...?" Rin swallows, mentally preparing himself for some kind of tongue lashing. But it never comes, just a sigh followed by a soft laugh.

"No, because I know you and I don't ask questions anymore." Rin tries to match her laugh, but it comes off stale. So she continues pressing him gently. "Have you been staying with Haruka, or...?" Rin swallows, dragging his hand down to press his heel against his eye.

"No. Another friend. My old roommate from Samezuka, ah not...Sou. Haru and I sorta got into it a while back. So I was just avoiding everyone." It feels so guilty to admit he pushed people away just because of a falling out with one person. Someone he had fallen out with so many times over the years. He can hear the smile on his mom's face through the phone.

"I'm sure you had your reasons."

And oh, how Rin hates that. His mom giving him such an easy pass, when he doesn't deserve it. He feels his eyes sting, and for the umpteenth time today, his eyes begin to leak. Fuck, his head hurts. Miyako can clearly hear her son crying over the phone, but lets it happen, just whispering some gentle reassurances as it does.

"You've always excelled at pushing us away when something's wrong. Is it just Haruka? Or something else going on?" And Rin doesn't know how to answer. He spares a glance over at the door, before miserably fessing up.

"...my friend and I. Got into it too. I really hurt his feelings." The last thing Rin wants to do is to admit to his own mother how much of a slut he is, because oh isn't that at the forefront of his mind right now. But because she is intuitive, she just sighs, a small laugh following.

"Honey, you've got to control yourself or you won't have any friends left." Rin bristles, but she covers it it with a small noise, one she always reassured him with as a child. "...I hope the two of you can work things out. No matter what happened. We're rooting for you." And Rin fucking loses it, choking and sobbing against his phone for a few moments. Miyako just giving her son the space to do so. When he's finally able to get a hold of himself, he wipes his face with the back of his hand, muttering some small thanks over the line. It sounds like she's crying a little too.

"Don't be a stranger, okay? Maybe come home for a little while soon? I'm sure training camps are going to be coming up but..." Rin nods, knowing she can't see him do so but maybe she can understand.

"Yeah...thanks Mom. I will."

They exchange a few more words, before saying their goodbyes and Rin puts his phone back on the counter, trying to take in a few, shuddering breaths.

[taeru]

Ai waits until Rin's disappeared into the entryway and for the door to close before dialing his mother first, figuring that wherever she is, his father is likely closeby, and it'd be easier to get two birds with one stone.

In general Ai tried to stay in good contact with his parents; they were extremely busy people, but often at least tried to make time for him on the important things. Unable to escape their work responsibilities to come to Tokyo, Ai knew this call would be somewhat lengthy as they both asked for all the details. And he's of course happy to oblige; he's blessed to be able to say he and his parents are on very good terms. Even the times they don't know everything, it is almost as if that which is left unsaid isn't important. The perks of being an only child and Beloved First Son, he guesses.

Ai immediately wishes he'd caught them at a time where mom was still at work or vice versa, because they talk over each other near-constantly, making it impossible for Ai to get a word in edge-wise, let alone decipher the questions they're asking. Apparently Mikhail did text Ai's mother immediately after his qualifying heat, and his father brags about having bullied his coworkers into changing the station on their office TV in order to catch it live.

Who could have thought you could be so strong? he says. Ai blinks at his phone. It's partially his fault for leaving them in the dark, if he's honest; had been too embarrassed to reach out to his professional swimming uncle because he didn't feel proud of himself yet. Never told his parents his accolades from Samezuka because he didn't feel they were worthy enough of celebration yet. It only stands to reason they barely knew what he was capable of, and would be surprised he could accomplish something worthwhile after all.

"There were more people than just me in the lane is why." And speaking of important people who have changed his life-- Ai begins to apologize profusely for taking up their time, and his father is apologizing profusely back, and his mother is giving him all the wonderfully maternal if uninformed platitudes in the world at rapid speed, like don't overdo it! and please remember to eat three square meals a day! and I'll send you the nice beef from the market if you want it and nothing worth doing is ever easy, so please keep trying your best, Aiichirou! and say, honey, is your neck alright?--

Ai abruptly ends the call and throws the front door open, expression stuck mid-panic.

He isn't surprised to see the state Rin is in, only how quickly its onset had been. Ai hurriedly closes the door and toes off his shoes, pocketing his phone at record speed.

"Senpai?" he asks, like a moron, as if all the reasons Rin could be crying weren't painfully obvious. Ai approaches him, as if all his trepidation and complicated sentiment had been washed over by an instinct and habit four years under the whetting stone. Pauses when he sees the bowl of curry Rin's set out for him. Feels a small warmth bloom in his chest - and tries to fight off a small laugh at the mental image of Rin preparing this food through tears.

"That was kind of you, thank you." Whatever questions he had been about to bombard Rin with are waylaid; Ai enters the kitchen to scope out for a curry spoon, he knows he has one somewhere. Looks back to Rin as he does, "My parents both asked how you were doing, by the way. Dad especially seemed really impressed with your times today." The qualifying ones, but Aiichirou chooses not to specify the obvious. "They're both taken with you, it's sweet. I sometimes have to wonder who they're actually rooting for." The smile Ai flashes is genuine, if small. He knows he's historically been cagey about details of his home life (for no reason other than not thinking Rin would care very much) but it's present front of mind, and yet another way he can delay the inevitable. And so his mouth, it runs.