A simple sentiment, yet one that has Ai's throat choking around his own heart, which has leapt out of his chest and straight into his airways.]
Such a thing doesn't need thanks. Of course I'd wait; I knew no matter what, you'd reach this place.
[It wasn't as if remaining steadfast by Sousuke was unique; Rin did that. Or that encouraging him to fight harder to reach a world stage through insurmountable odds was unique; Rin did that too. Or waited with patience and measured input as he recovered; Makoto did that. wasn't as if he was the best friend, or best teammate, or best confidant.
Yet time and time again Ai finds himself measuring Sousuke's trajectory, just enough to remain right along side it. Never thought for a second they wouldn't find each other again - had believed and known Sousuke would climb to the heights he aspired to. Just needed a little bit of hope - a reason to hope, maybe - and a lot of hard work. Ai knew this much because Sousuke had taught it to him in the first place.
Speaking of mutualities... Ai, too, is enraptured by how borderline magical the onsen is. The thicket of steam licks every corner of the open-air space, the high noon sun casting glowing, sparkling lights over the crystal clear mountain water. It does little for his poor blood pressure, spiking with his pulse, but Ai banks on the water hopefully having the opposite effect once he's in.]
Is it uncouth? Enjoying it in the middle of the day... We haven't even eaten yet. [And yet Ai is still turning around to re-enter the laundering area, fit with several clothing racks and baskets; a couple of yukata hanging ready; two sinks, and god knows how many amenities. Doesn't think twice about beginning to shuck his shirt off, placing it in one of the baskets.] Well, I guess it's ours to do what we want.
[there was a time he thought--dimly--it wouldn't ever happen. he wouldn't ever swim again. true rin backed him up, shoved him stubbornly back into the lane. but without those first divulges of information to ai... watching how ai clambered from such a low point. that. that was his inspiration.
once again, he's drawn to the way that ai is taking it all in. he hates that he keeps staring. it's like how he makes fun of rin for letting his gaze always trail after--
...ah]
Doubt it's uncouth. Maybe if we were sharing, but...
[he watches the trail of ai's clothes slowly leave his body. it's nothing new. they've been in changing rooms a thousand times and then some together. ai has a muscular leanness that sousuke has always admired. a certain lithe nature to him. something so uniquely him. sousuke blinks away the thought, sighing and deciding what the hell. and begins to undress himself as well]
You're right. It's all ours.
[sousuke finishes stripping the last of his clothing, dropping them in the basket, and slowly lowering himself in on one of the ledges near the left side. immediately, sousuke shivers out a sigh of relaxation. the hot water absolutely perfect, his parents assured him they would request only the best dragon temperature. he smiles as he lets the water overtake every inch of him]
[He would have hesitated. Would have thought twice at Sousuke's words. Maybe if we were sharing, but. Wasn't that the point? It's something they've done before - surely this is no different? It may be a private bath, but. They were friends, and this was normal, so surely...?
Maybe he's teasing. Ahh, I think the steam's getting to me.
He notices it, too. That Sousuke is watching him disrobe down to nothing. It's for the better he got a headstart; Ai's walking into the water first, back to Sousuke as Sousuke does much the same. Obfuscating how red Ai's face has gotten. And by the time they're both in the water, the dense steam amd ripples obfuscate Sousuke's body enough for Ai to put a halt to his ruminations.
He sits close-ish; on the same wall, about a person's width away. Sinks into the water just barely to his nose. Feels in real time how all of his muscles begin to lose their stress; his mind, even, unwinds a little. That much in and of itself was a rarity. The water itself is scented vaguely of clean, earthy minerals and yuzu; every slow and measured intake of breath, it clouds Ai's olfactory in the best possible way.
Ai lifts his head out of the water just barely enough to speak after a moment,]
People share all the time. We have before, [he finally returns, an affable banter. Reasoning with himself, a little. Sky blue eyes roll closed, and Ai tilts his head back against the rocks. Then he smiles, because he knows it isn't the case and knows Sousuke will have something to say about it,] Unless you're regretting inviting me after all.
so why doesn't it feel like something they've slipped into before? sousuke sits, let's the water seep into his bones with a soft sight. for a moment, his friend is lost to his thoughts. his only focus is the water, the overwhelming heat, the billowing ripples pooling around him and the slight drips echoing elsewhere.
until ai brings up the obvious. which has sousuke pulling his mouth out of the water, that ever present snicker ai always pulls out of him, ever present]
Woah woah, never said that.
[but he likes it. the easy quips they can share together. knowing the other could never feign such a serious accusation or aggressive tactic. it's easy like this. sousuke sighs, shifting himself up a little to keep his chin out of the water, letting everything remain below the surface]
Wouldn't dream of it.
[sousuke can't even rise to the bait to lie and tease. it's so true. he's eternally grateful. that much he knows. through everything. sousuke smirks over at ai. okay. maybe he can play into the teasing nature a little bit]
[It was incredible how Sousuke could say something, anything, and it could function as both a salve and a fire. A reassurance that manages to give Ai twelve new thoughts to juggle, and with them twelve new problems. Half the time Ai has to wonder if Sousuke even realizes what he's saying - is Ai an idiot to be so easily worked up, drawn in?
Wouldn't dream of it. The idea of Sousuke having regrets was laughable to begin with; Ai saw exactly what lengths Sousuke would go to to undo a path born of regret. Think you're the only one I'd want here.
That, though.
Has Ai slowly letting his eyes flutter open again to roll his cheek some and look at Sousuke. As if measuring his expression might help Ai glean exactly how much of that was meant to be taken at face value and how much was Sousuke sticking to the bit. Intention ultimately mattered little in the face of the deep, unsettling warmth blossoming in Ai's chest. He preemptively steels his own expression; if that managed to kiss his countenance more than it already has, maybe Sousuke will regret bringing him here after all.
He'd never fish for compliments; would never make Sousuke justify himself. It's all Ai can do to smile, easy-going and relaxed. Very professionally playing off the yawning void in his chest that keeps screaming at him.]
Rin-senpai isn't that bad of company. When he stops complaining, he can be nice. [It was an easy mutual ground, Sousuke's best friend and Ai's (other) senior. Kept the attention off him for a moment, long enough to not have to will his cheeks back to a normal colour. That which does seep up across pallid skin can easily be dismissed as the heat of the water.]
[he doesn't think there will ever be a time he won't be able to feel when those glints of blue are fixated on him. then again, he thinks that he has a little more of an inkling now. maybe it's the dimly lit room, the vapors swirling around them, the obviously glaring lack of clothing--]
Nice is one way to put it.
[sousuke giggles, letting his head tilt back against the edging in turn. there's a certain depth to someone, especially when you grow up with them. sousuke remembers ai from tournament days. though, regrettably he didn't know of him. and sometimes he wonders what would have happened if he had extended that olive branch first. who knows what kind of friendship would have blossomed? especially in rin's absence?
it would go without saying sousuke was a lonely soul through those years. overextending himself, just to prove himself worthy of swimming with his best friend again someday. and look where it got him. years of setbacks...pain...frustrations...]
I don't envy you for having to put up with him that first year he came back. He seemed like an ass to you.
[The way Ai smiles at Sousuke is incredibly fond, then. Brighter still when Sousuke laughs, an unusually soft noise coming from him; Ai subconsciously places his hand over his chest, fingernails scraping gently into his skin. As if to stay his engine, which has given two painfully loud thumps! against his rib cage.
To this day, Ai still has no idea how much Sousuke had been in his periphery. Sousuke never mentioned that relay when they'd grown friendly with one another, and so Ai blankly assumed Sousuke either wasn't present at all at that regional tournament, or they simply hadn't crossed paths. But it's a what if Ai tends to turn over in his head, too; if given the opportunity for a head start, where would their relationship have progressed? What kind of people would they be now?
The comments about Rin leave Ai shaking his head gently, leveling Sousuke with... A somewhat unreadable look. Something very close to home. A feeling that he's sure they both share, in spades.]
He had a lot going on. I wanted to make sure he never felt alone, even if it was difficult sometimes. [His smile upturns,] He apologized eventually anyway.
I can't help but feel you would have done the same, Sousuke-senpai.
[that almost solemn look garners a raised brow from sousuke, as he shifts a little bit to fully turn his head ai's way. kind. forgiving. overextending in all aspects. there's so many layers to this kid, that most of the world has never gotten to pick up on]
Kinda wanted to shake some sense into him.
[there's the slip up. something only rin had been privy to prior. sousuke realizes he's ran his mouth and sighs, turning his gaze back towards the water]
...I saw the way he treated you at regionals. You were a saint for putting up with that, you know. Someone lesser might have decked him.
[sousuke would never. but the thought of reaching out, grabbing rin's wrist with a fierce hold, asking him where he got off treating his juniors like that? it was an overwhelmingly, tempting thought. sousuke bites his lip, pulling his knees towards himself a bit.
meanwhile when sousuke finally transferred their final year, rin was so caught up in cementing his place in the swimming world at long last, juggling captain duties, whatever the hell was going on with nanase all year, his own injuries... the end of the year was the only time that felt appropriate. and it nearly gutted rin. learning his friend saw him tank the way he did]
[He blinks at first. Then his eyes blow wide, realization dawning on him. Sousuke had seen everything. Saw Rin's fall from grace-- his comeuppance. His mismanaged anger.
Ai's pitiful failure at being able to do anything about it.
Several emotions flood over him at once; shame, shock. Embarrassment. Relief? He trusted Rin, even in the moment didn't think for a second a single punch or kick was meant for him, but knowing Sousuke had been there in case things took a turn for the worst...
He leans off the rocks a little, pushing slightly into Sousuke's space. Opens his mouth to find words; when they don't come, slams his jaw shut. And then tries again,]
You...
[Ai shakes his head, and potently stares down at the water.]
I.... wasn't able to do anything, ultimately. If Ryuugazaki-san and the others had shown up a minute sooner, it would have been them instead.
[His expression softens, even if his heart feels heavy. Because he knows how much Sousuke cares for Rin-- how much Rin has shaped his life. This they had in common.]
It kills me a little you had to see me like that. [Useless.]
sousuke has already realized the misstep, but lets ai process everything. there's no turning back from it now and pretending he meant something else would be damn near impossible. he watches everything play out on ai's face in real time. there's a little pang to the realization. because ai's mouth is forming around nothing and--
sousuke shifts a little closer to him, letting their shoulders bump. some physical affirmation that it's okay to feel]
I don't know if you could have ripped him out of that moment anyway. Not you, not anyone.
[god sousuke wanted to step in. it broke his heart into a million pieces. seeing his best friend break, seeing him tank the way he did. but it wasn't his place, it wasn't his time. the first time in years, and that's how he might have seen rin? rin would have flown off to sydney or jumped off the plane into the ocean first.
...only nanase. sousuke sighs]
See you like what?
[sousuke blinks dumbly over at ai, raising a brow]
See you at your strongest, fighting for someone you care about?
[i was the coward. i couldn't--didn't--do anything]
[The touch of their shoulders is a minor reassurance, something that Ai doesn't take for granted. Sousuke was famously nowhere near as hands-on as his redheaded counterpart; it's taken Ai a while to get used to the occasional times he's bumped his leg, his shoulder. Indulged in a hair ruffle, much as Ai's tried to object once or twice.
Even in this context, all it does is set him at ease. And when it's Sousuke's turn to balk at him, unspoken words laden between the lines, Ai's the one raising his hand out of the water to touch Sousuke's arm, grounding them both.
He can't take the compliment-- the platitude. At my strongest? I was air at best. If he's honest, it still hurts a little sometimes to think about - how forgettable he was, could be. But the reason he knots his eyebrows in the center of his forehead and levels Sousuke with a simper isn't even because of that, nor is it because of Rin. His mind flashes forward to a fire escape and eyes so leaden with tears he could barely make out Sousuke's back as he descended the stairs.]
It's a little funny, isn't it? The two times I hated myself the most, you had to see it. [Ai peels his eyes down to the water; he isn't ashamed, not even forlorn. Just mildly contemplative; grateful, even.] I'm lucky you gave me time to give you a better impression.
... I'm lucky to have you here at all, Sousuke-senpai. [Flashes him a smile, creasing the corners of his eyes, pressing his beauty mark higher on his face.] If it took moments of weakness to lead you to me, then I can't regret a single one of them.
[the gruffness in sousuke's tone melts away into something almost soft. there's nothing but warm surrounding them, and it only intensifies in the way it floods sousuke at that blue gaze sparkling up at him. he instinctively leans into that touch on his arm. it grounds him more than the damn hot spring]
Never said I had a bad impression.
[it's nothing but the truth. that bright eyed kid staring up at him upon first meeting, sousuke's features melting and ai's face brightening in turn. there's no such thing as love at first sight, but there's the sense of deep, personal connection and from then on sousuke knew they had something together. whatever it may be in the future.
and maybe it's selfish the way sousuke leans in, with a stupid grin on his face, and bumps their foreheads together. normally something impossible, but here at the same level they are now, it's easy. they're on an international stage together soon. they've overcome their own athletic challenges and odds. there's no distance or secrets between them now. except, maybe...]
[In a way, Ai is used to Sousuke taking up his periphery. Spent a lot of his time looking at Sousuke's back, tall and broad shoulders being all Ai needed to know what steps to take next. Was used to beautiful teal boring into him for certainty or answers or even self-confidence.
Sousuke's close enough he can likely even hear the little breath Ai inhales, a misplaced anticipation. And it wouldn't be the first time, either; it's like this every time. When Sousuke helps him out of the pool and Ai lingers just a hair too long against him; when Ai dips his head by Sousuke's driver's window to say hi or bye, nothing but teal in his world's view. It's the same every time--
Anticipation, and a small death. Because Ai's smile is a mile wide and is so incredibly gentle in a way that has only ever been reserved for Sousuke, that can only be brought out of him by Sousuke, and yet the way it makes his chest alight with a fluttery warmth is terrifying in its potency.
And so he brushes knuckles along the high of Sousuke's cheek, and pets the back of his nape... And then just a hair too quickly is parting from him, and sinking low enough into the water that even his chin is submerged. A rock on the opposite end of the bath is suddenly the most interesting thing in the whole world, and from his low perch, Ai silently clears his throat.]
I can't believe I thought you were scary when we first met. [It was always his salve: a platitude, or a quip that tried to disarm himself. In either instance, Ai cannot cope with how hot his face feels.]
[the bond between them has always been a little deeper than surface level. some unspoken thing ever since sousuke nearly tripped over ai coming down the fire escape. or maybe it goes beyond that. maybe it goes towards that first 'scary face' that ai manifests in his words, and sousuke can't help but spit out a laugh]
Feels like everyone says that.
[look. he's a good guy. he just has a scary resting bitch face. or maybe it's more than that. but he focuses instead on how ai...pulls away a little. it makes him blink, makes him feel like he's crossed some boundary he wasn't aware was drawn in the sand.
nevertheless. sousuke is the furthest thing from a pusher. and he won't cross that line without explicit permission any longer. even if he did instinctually lean into ai's touch on his cheek for a moment. even if it felt like something a little deeper in that moment. but it was a blink and gone thing, and sousuke just assumes that ai didn't mean it that way]
...water feel good?
[he tries to dip into another subject matter, sinking down a little further, letting the water coat his chin]
[It was the fear of the unknown, more than anything. Something that plagued him in his swimming career, and in at least one other friendship. With Sousuke, it seemed to constantly put them at an impasse; right up to a challenge line, and almost unanimously every time Ai was the one to disengage.
And the air is just. So stifling. Uncanny in how suddenly his skin is hot but it isn't for the right reasons and the sweat that trickles down the back of his neck has nothing to do with the regret that's beginning to unfurl in his chest.
How easy it'd be to cross that line. Intuition goes a long way. And yet still, how easy it'd be to fuck up one of the best friendships he's ever had. Sousuke's quip and following question both go right over his head, Ai too hyperfocused on his cold feet.
A blink, and then his head is on a swivel to look up at Sousuke, ruefully smiling in that apologetic way of his for not having been paying attention.] Sorry, yes. [Rises up, just a little. Enough so he can lean his shoulders back against the rocks again. His eyes trail just barely south of Sousuke's eyes, his nose--
Suddenly, Ai is standing up fully, hand on the ledge for leverage. The water only obfuscating up to his thighs.]
[maybe it's keen intuition. or maybe it's just his dumb luck at being able to read ai better than literally anybody else in their friend group.
...until his gaze betrays him. and as ai stands up, sousuke's eyes. drop.
and then jerk back towards the side of the rock wall as realization crashes over him and he feels utterly crass and vile for letting his gaze wander. sneaking a peak? that's teenage kid stuff. middle schoolers. he's long come to terms with what he likes. any body parts with something intelectual, and someone he's known attached...which naturally doesn't leave him with many options. but that's besides the point.
sousuke just hopes ai didn't see him. he coughs a little to try to cover up his blunder, rubbing the back of his head. it's not like ai wasn't copping an eyefull either but. sousuke just assumes it stemmed from something else]
...you good?
[he inquires softly, forcing himself to look back at ai without staring this time, and his fingers close around his friend's wrist]
[Truthfully and genuinely, his own sudden onset of his mild panic at realizing the kinds of situations he might inadvertently be putting Sousuke in - Sousuke who was so kind, and generous, and easygoing, and who didn't deserve a single modicum of the complications that often seemed to plague Ai and the people and things he comes in contact with - had completely overridden his propriety. Simply put, he forgot for that momentary blink he was naked.
He only remembers because he catches Sousuke's gaze, follows it astutely from where it'd been pinned on his lower body and then toward the side. Ai very quickly sinks back into the water, face a brilliant pink. So much for blaming it on the water's temperature.
His free hand is pressed up into his fringe, gripping the strands of his silver hair right against his scalp. It was so unbelievably normal to see naked bodies in onsens. So normal to be prone among fellow swimmers. Why was this making him consider finding the quickest exit route?
Worse yet, why didn't he feel ashamed? Only a mild regret?]
Sorry-- sorry. [His eyes search the rippled surface of the water as if it could provide him answers. Doesn't even try to shake off Sousuke's grip on him. If anything, Ai's tugged his own wrist and the hand attached to it tighter into his chest under the water, trying to stay his heartbeat.] I'm a mess. Maybe I didn't sleep it off as well as I thought I did.
[leave it to ai to forget of all things, he's naked--they're both naked.
it's not his fault his eyes strayed. he just. well. forgot they were both naked momentarily. or maybe he was shamelessly letting his eyes wander. because he knows what he likes. sousuke shakes his head, holding up a hand in some faux retreat. a signal to let ai know it's all good, they're all good. despite whatever interesting event just transpired]
Easy, don't go apologizing for just standing up.
[the laugh that trails after is albeit awkward. so sousuke just feels ten times worse for mucking this up further. but ai isn't shaking off his wrist. ah right. sousuke sure does have a grip on that doesn't he? it's tempting to rip it away but... ai pulls their joined limbs closer to his heart, and doesn't that do something to his heart? something he kind of hates, kind of doesn't]
You can go sleep. Whole point of all this is to relax. Not freak out in the bath.
[The pout he suddenly wears is petulant at best; he felt so-- indescribably off balance, and couldn't blame it on either the water or his hangover. It was something deeper. Something common, and normal for him at this point, but brought to the forefront of his consciousness so suddenly and abruptly that he hardly had time to cope. Pair that with the fact he is within close, naked proximity, well... Sentiments he'd rather keep behind lock and key suddenly seem every bit as vulnerable as his body presently is.
What a dangerous thought.
He settles back into the water, trying to convince himself that overthinking is the enemy. Relaxes enough to let his legs extend out in front of him, let his shoulders rest against the rocks behind them. Blue eyes flutter shut.]
I didn't freak out, [comes his reply, a rare denial painting his lips. It doesn't last long, though; Ai relents, free hand coming to pinch his brow.] ... I can't help it. Thinking I see something there, and panicking a little when it gets too close.
[There's a pause there. Ai's conjuring something in his chest, but seems to abandon ship at the last second. Sinks a bit lower into the water.]
Well, either way. Whether it's here or back in the room, I'd rather be with you.
[sousuke is intuitive at best. and choosing to remain in ignorance at worst. he knows a lot of the happenings between their friend group. even if it tries to get brushed under the rug, or glossed over, he sees it. he knows it's there. maybe it started ever since he got that stupid letter that he was so excited for...
only to see the evidence it was clearly meant for somebody else.
people dancing around each other, people skirting around things or trying to hide them. he has a good read of it. and well. whatever is going on here? coupled with ai's words? sousuke has a hunch. but choosing on whether to act on it or not? that's something else entirely.
his thumb carefully brushes over ai's skin. a stubbornly bold move, for whatever is currently transpiring. sousuke has a feel on what ai is saying. but what he means? ah. that's something else entirely. but there's no life without a little adventure. so he ventures cautiously]
...too close, huh.
[i'd rather be here with you. and maybe that solidifies it. sousuke takes a risk in life, and pulls ai a little closer. closing that gap, crossing that bridge. if ai chooses to hit him or shove him or anything else, sousuke yamazaki will happily take that loss. all in the pursuit of just knowing]
He might have denied and backed out a final time if not for the most subtle of reassurances. Ai didn't even need to know what he thought he saw, what he thought he felt. Didn't even want to know if Sousuke saw the same thing. Ai just needed to know that if he called a spade a spade, their world wouldn't end. The onsen wouldn't spiral and drag him down by the ankle, and he wouldn't be one incredible friend short by the end of it.
It comes to him in a simple truth, somewhere between the soft touch to his wrist and Sousuke pulling him close enough for Ai to be tucked into his shoulder: implicitly and unconditionally, he trusts Sousuke. This has been true from the very first moment they met. It remained true now, where Ai's doubts could make him tailspin, but instead his utter faith in Sousuke keeps him level-headed.
It's why despite his panic a moment ago, his response - even if it takes a little bit to work the words to the tip of his tongue - is so simple and resolute,]
You. I saw you. [Ai quickly shakes his head, just once. And maybe subtly leans against Sousuke a little, though notably his gaze is fixated on their reflections in the water.] But I'm not scared of you. I just--
You mean too much to me for me to want to put that in jeopardy. Maybe it makes me a coward. I don't know anymore.
there's no veil hiding the fact. no pretenses hiding the fact. it's something startling. only because sousuke feels the same. like he's seen ai before. in ways others haven't. ever since that night outside samezuka... it's been one thing after another, all edging into this bond the others can't even begin to fathom between them. something akin to relief floods his veins, when ai leans back against him.
the feeling is mutual. that much is obvious to him]
...it's the same.
[sousuke says with conviction. so stubborn in his delivery, even though his tone is gentle. anything further might startle ai away and he doesn't want that. is terrified of it in fact. maybe he really did invite ai here under some pretense. something he's long since thought he buried at least. one pinkie hooks to brush whatever piece of ai's skin he can. something selfishly grounding for himself. except sousuke laughs, and maybe it's to cover himself up a bit. embarrassment is a real thing after all.
or maybe it's to put ai at ease. like he's always tried to do]
If that makes you a coward, it makes me more of one. Don't you think?
[He titters, an airy and relieved sound, but he's looking at Sousuke just a bit too easily. Under the water, Ai tries to weasel his hand out of Sousuke's grasp. Not for very long; just enough for lithe fingers to try and skate over his palm, slot in where Ai believes they finally fit.
But that expression of his, and so boldly looking at Sousuke--]
I can't imagine you being scared of much of anything, Sousuke-senpai. Ah, not that you haven't been... You're only human. Though... You're very patient. You have to be with the kinds of things you've been through. Right? So you'll sit on your hands for too long.
[Kettle, meet pot. His tone is still to bright to be believably present, and it's obvious he's trying to lead into something. Something of a common subject between the two of them, and Ai doesn't want to sound accusatory, or bitter, but it'd do them no favours to ignore what from Ai's purview was the obvious modum of hesitance. Absently, his thumb strokes the outside of Sousuke's knuckle, eyes contemplative down on the water. Patiently, calmly minding their reflections. Passively, perhaps selfishly, Ai thinks they look good like this.]
[he lets ai pry their hands apart, thinking this is the end of that. only to be momentarily sidestruck when ai laces their fingers together. in some cruel, odd twist of fate, a strangely perfect match. he blinks down at the blurred and rippled out shape of their fingers under the water.
oh, if only ai knew.
....okay maybe ai did know.
sousuke can't help but laugh at those last words. was he really so transparent? it's something that hasn't crossed his mind in what feels like centuries. stubbornly coming to the conclusion that there was no chance in hell, and he could accept that. as long as it meant having his best friend by his side. chasing after some other dreams, his own dreams this time--and trying not to absolutely wreck his newly healed body in the process]
Caught me.
[there's no denying ai's intuition, after all. he won't be made a liar of. he sighs, and lets his gaze drift back up towards the ceiling. fixating on a small droplet that continues to descent in the center of the hot spring]
Sounds like it comes from experience though.
[well. he's put it out there. ai can deny it, that's fine. sousuke can accept that. others can lie. he just refuses to, after almost a whole year of lying to the most important people in the world to him]
[It was something they both intrinsically understood. Now, and when they'd first met. In a sense, Rin brought them together, after all.
And if not for Rin catching everyone in his wake and breaking hearts, Sousuke may have never really found his way to Ai, and vice versa. Sousuke didn't have to ask the question at all, Ai thinks; he already knows.
I just wanted to be able to swim with him one last time. If you're meant to do it, you'll find a way to be there with him... At least, that's what I think he'd tell you.
And there is only so much tiding by and puffing chests and feeling not enough someone can put up with before it morphs into something else entirely. It had never been Rin's onus to show that to Ai; Ai had to show it to himself. And once he did, and realized he had a choice, he chose to move on.
He doesn't even realize he's squeezed Sousuke's hand tightly.]
Rin-senpai showed me a lot of amazing things. I owe him a lot. [Ai's eyebrows knit. And suddenly he's wondering some other things, too.] ... But you knew that much already, didn't you?
[Yet here we are. Would Sousuke continue to sit on his hands, be patient, considerate, stalwart? Even now, with everything laid out plain? There is suddenly a fire in Ai's chest; a determination. He knows what it feels like to be taken for granted, and tucked into Souske's side, he promises himself to make sure Sousuke never comes to feel the same way about him.]
The thing I'm most grateful for from him is you. That's why. Even if it's bittersweet, I can never, ever regret it.
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Date: 2025-09-01 10:50 pm (UTC)A simple sentiment, yet one that has Ai's throat choking around his own heart, which has leapt out of his chest and straight into his airways.]
Such a thing doesn't need thanks. Of course I'd wait; I knew no matter what, you'd reach this place.
[It wasn't as if remaining steadfast by Sousuke was unique; Rin did that. Or that encouraging him to fight harder to reach a world stage through insurmountable odds was unique; Rin did that too. Or waited with patience and measured input as he recovered; Makoto did that. wasn't as if he was the best friend, or best teammate, or best confidant.
Yet time and time again Ai finds himself measuring Sousuke's trajectory, just enough to remain right along side it. Never thought for a second they wouldn't find each other again - had believed and known Sousuke would climb to the heights he aspired to. Just needed a little bit of hope - a reason to hope, maybe - and a lot of hard work. Ai knew this much because Sousuke had taught it to him in the first place.
Speaking of mutualities... Ai, too, is enraptured by how borderline magical the onsen is. The thicket of steam licks every corner of the open-air space, the high noon sun casting glowing, sparkling lights over the crystal clear mountain water. It does little for his poor blood pressure, spiking with his pulse, but Ai banks on the water hopefully having the opposite effect once he's in.]
Is it uncouth? Enjoying it in the middle of the day... We haven't even eaten yet. [And yet Ai is still turning around to re-enter the laundering area, fit with several clothing racks and baskets; a couple of yukata hanging ready; two sinks, and god knows how many amenities. Doesn't think twice about beginning to shuck his shirt off, placing it in one of the baskets.] Well, I guess it's ours to do what we want.
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Date: 2025-09-02 03:01 am (UTC)[there was a time he thought--dimly--it wouldn't ever happen. he wouldn't ever swim again. true rin backed him up, shoved him stubbornly back into the lane. but without those first divulges of information to ai... watching how ai clambered from such a low point. that. that was his inspiration.
once again, he's drawn to the way that ai is taking it all in. he hates that he keeps staring. it's like how he makes fun of rin for letting his gaze always trail after--
...ah]
Doubt it's uncouth. Maybe if we were sharing, but...
[he watches the trail of ai's clothes slowly leave his body. it's nothing new. they've been in changing rooms a thousand times and then some together. ai has a muscular leanness that sousuke has always admired. a certain lithe nature to him. something so uniquely him. sousuke blinks away the thought, sighing and deciding what the hell. and begins to undress himself as well]
You're right. It's all ours.
[sousuke finishes stripping the last of his clothing, dropping them in the basket, and slowly lowering himself in on one of the ledges near the left side. immediately, sousuke shivers out a sigh of relaxation. the hot water absolutely perfect, his parents assured him they would request only the best dragon temperature. he smiles as he lets the water overtake every inch of him]
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Date: 2025-09-02 03:13 am (UTC)Maybe he's teasing. Ahh, I think the steam's getting to me.
He notices it, too. That Sousuke is watching him disrobe down to nothing. It's for the better he got a headstart; Ai's walking into the water first, back to Sousuke as Sousuke does much the same. Obfuscating how red Ai's face has gotten. And by the time they're both in the water, the dense steam amd ripples obfuscate Sousuke's body enough for Ai to put a halt to his ruminations.
He sits close-ish; on the same wall, about a person's width away. Sinks into the water just barely to his nose. Feels in real time how all of his muscles begin to lose their stress; his mind, even, unwinds a little. That much in and of itself was a rarity. The water itself is scented vaguely of clean, earthy minerals and yuzu; every slow and measured intake of breath, it clouds Ai's olfactory in the best possible way.
Ai lifts his head out of the water just barely enough to speak after a moment,]
People share all the time. We have before, [he finally returns, an affable banter. Reasoning with himself, a little. Sky blue eyes roll closed, and Ai tilts his head back against the rocks. Then he smiles, because he knows it isn't the case and knows Sousuke will have something to say about it,] Unless you're regretting inviting me after all.
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Date: 2025-09-02 03:59 am (UTC)so why doesn't it feel like something they've slipped into before? sousuke sits, let's the water seep into his bones with a soft sight. for a moment, his friend is lost to his thoughts. his only focus is the water, the overwhelming heat, the billowing ripples pooling around him and the slight drips echoing elsewhere.
until ai brings up the obvious. which has sousuke pulling his mouth out of the water, that ever present snicker ai always pulls out of him, ever present]
Woah woah, never said that.
[but he likes it. the easy quips they can share together. knowing the other could never feign such a serious accusation or aggressive tactic. it's easy like this. sousuke sighs, shifting himself up a little to keep his chin out of the water, letting everything remain below the surface]
Wouldn't dream of it.
[sousuke can't even rise to the bait to lie and tease. it's so true. he's eternally grateful. that much he knows. through everything. sousuke smirks over at ai. okay. maybe he can play into the teasing nature a little bit]
Think you're the only one I'd want here.
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Date: 2025-09-02 04:11 am (UTC)Wouldn't dream of it. The idea of Sousuke having regrets was laughable to begin with; Ai saw exactly what lengths Sousuke would go to to undo a path born of regret. Think you're the only one I'd want here.
That, though.
Has Ai slowly letting his eyes flutter open again to roll his cheek some and look at Sousuke. As if measuring his expression might help Ai glean exactly how much of that was meant to be taken at face value and how much was Sousuke sticking to the bit. Intention ultimately mattered little in the face of the deep, unsettling warmth blossoming in Ai's chest. He preemptively steels his own expression; if that managed to kiss his countenance more than it already has, maybe Sousuke will regret bringing him here after all.
He'd never fish for compliments; would never make Sousuke justify himself. It's all Ai can do to smile, easy-going and relaxed. Very professionally playing off the yawning void in his chest that keeps screaming at him.]
Rin-senpai isn't that bad of company. When he stops complaining, he can be nice. [It was an easy mutual ground, Sousuke's best friend and Ai's (other) senior. Kept the attention off him for a moment, long enough to not have to will his cheeks back to a normal colour. That which does seep up across pallid skin can easily be dismissed as the heat of the water.]
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Date: 2025-09-02 09:51 pm (UTC)Nice is one way to put it.
[sousuke giggles, letting his head tilt back against the edging in turn. there's a certain depth to someone, especially when you grow up with them. sousuke remembers ai from tournament days. though, regrettably he didn't know of him. and sometimes he wonders what would have happened if he had extended that olive branch first. who knows what kind of friendship would have blossomed? especially in rin's absence?
it would go without saying sousuke was a lonely soul through those years. overextending himself, just to prove himself worthy of swimming with his best friend again someday. and look where it got him. years of setbacks...pain...frustrations...]
I don't envy you for having to put up with him that first year he came back. He seemed like an ass to you.
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Date: 2025-09-02 10:23 pm (UTC)To this day, Ai still has no idea how much Sousuke had been in his periphery. Sousuke never mentioned that relay when they'd grown friendly with one another, and so Ai blankly assumed Sousuke either wasn't present at all at that regional tournament, or they simply hadn't crossed paths. But it's a what if Ai tends to turn over in his head, too; if given the opportunity for a head start, where would their relationship have progressed? What kind of people would they be now?
The comments about Rin leave Ai shaking his head gently, leveling Sousuke with... A somewhat unreadable look. Something very close to home. A feeling that he's sure they both share, in spades.]
He had a lot going on. I wanted to make sure he never felt alone, even if it was difficult sometimes. [His smile upturns,] He apologized eventually anyway.
I can't help but feel you would have done the same, Sousuke-senpai.
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Date: 2025-09-02 11:37 pm (UTC)Kinda wanted to shake some sense into him.
[there's the slip up. something only rin had been privy to prior. sousuke realizes he's ran his mouth and sighs, turning his gaze back towards the water]
...I saw the way he treated you at regionals. You were a saint for putting up with that, you know. Someone lesser might have decked him.
[sousuke would never. but the thought of reaching out, grabbing rin's wrist with a fierce hold, asking him where he got off treating his juniors like that? it was an overwhelmingly, tempting thought. sousuke bites his lip, pulling his knees towards himself a bit.
meanwhile when sousuke finally transferred their final year, rin was so caught up in cementing his place in the swimming world at long last, juggling captain duties, whatever the hell was going on with nanase all year, his own injuries... the end of the year was the only time that felt appropriate. and it nearly gutted rin. learning his friend saw him tank the way he did]
Seemed like he played nice after, though.
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Date: 2025-09-02 11:57 pm (UTC)Ai's pitiful failure at being able to do anything about it.
Several emotions flood over him at once; shame, shock. Embarrassment. Relief? He trusted Rin, even in the moment didn't think for a second a single punch or kick was meant for him, but knowing Sousuke had been there in case things took a turn for the worst...
He leans off the rocks a little, pushing slightly into Sousuke's space. Opens his mouth to find words; when they don't come, slams his jaw shut. And then tries again,]
You...
[Ai shakes his head, and potently stares down at the water.]
I.... wasn't able to do anything, ultimately. If Ryuugazaki-san and the others had shown up a minute sooner, it would have been them instead.
[His expression softens, even if his heart feels heavy. Because he knows how much Sousuke cares for Rin-- how much Rin has shaped his life. This they had in common.]
It kills me a little you had to see me like that. [Useless.]
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Date: 2025-09-04 03:51 am (UTC)sousuke has already realized the misstep, but lets ai process everything. there's no turning back from it now and pretending he meant something else would be damn near impossible. he watches everything play out on ai's face in real time. there's a little pang to the realization. because ai's mouth is forming around nothing and--
sousuke shifts a little closer to him, letting their shoulders bump. some physical affirmation that it's okay to feel]
I don't know if you could have ripped him out of that moment anyway. Not you, not anyone.
[god sousuke wanted to step in. it broke his heart into a million pieces. seeing his best friend break, seeing him tank the way he did. but it wasn't his place, it wasn't his time. the first time in years, and that's how he might have seen rin? rin would have flown off to sydney or jumped off the plane into the ocean first.
...only nanase. sousuke sighs]
See you like what?
[sousuke blinks dumbly over at ai, raising a brow]
See you at your strongest, fighting for someone you care about?
[i was the coward. i couldn't--didn't--do anything]
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Date: 2025-09-04 04:07 am (UTC)Even in this context, all it does is set him at ease. And when it's Sousuke's turn to balk at him, unspoken words laden between the lines, Ai's the one raising his hand out of the water to touch Sousuke's arm, grounding them both.
He can't take the compliment-- the platitude. At my strongest? I was air at best. If he's honest, it still hurts a little sometimes to think about - how forgettable he was, could be. But the reason he knots his eyebrows in the center of his forehead and levels Sousuke with a simper isn't even because of that, nor is it because of Rin. His mind flashes forward to a fire escape and eyes so leaden with tears he could barely make out Sousuke's back as he descended the stairs.]
It's a little funny, isn't it? The two times I hated myself the most, you had to see it. [Ai peels his eyes down to the water; he isn't ashamed, not even forlorn. Just mildly contemplative; grateful, even.] I'm lucky you gave me time to give you a better impression.
... I'm lucky to have you here at all, Sousuke-senpai. [Flashes him a smile, creasing the corners of his eyes, pressing his beauty mark higher on his face.] If it took moments of weakness to lead you to me, then I can't regret a single one of them.
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Date: 2025-09-08 02:52 am (UTC)Never said I had a bad impression.
[it's nothing but the truth. that bright eyed kid staring up at him upon first meeting, sousuke's features melting and ai's face brightening in turn. there's no such thing as love at first sight, but there's the sense of deep, personal connection and from then on sousuke knew they had something together. whatever it may be in the future.
and maybe it's selfish the way sousuke leans in, with a stupid grin on his face, and bumps their foreheads together. normally something impossible, but here at the same level they are now, it's easy. they're on an international stage together soon. they've overcome their own athletic challenges and odds. there's no distance or secrets between them now. except, maybe...]
Me neither. Not a single one.
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Date: 2025-09-08 03:11 am (UTC)Sousuke's close enough he can likely even hear the little breath Ai inhales, a misplaced anticipation. And it wouldn't be the first time, either; it's like this every time. When Sousuke helps him out of the pool and Ai lingers just a hair too long against him; when Ai dips his head by Sousuke's driver's window to say hi or bye, nothing but teal in his world's view. It's the same every time--
Anticipation, and a small death. Because Ai's smile is a mile wide and is so incredibly gentle in a way that has only ever been reserved for Sousuke, that can only be brought out of him by Sousuke, and yet the way it makes his chest alight with a fluttery warmth is terrifying in its potency.
And so he brushes knuckles along the high of Sousuke's cheek, and pets the back of his nape... And then just a hair too quickly is parting from him, and sinking low enough into the water that even his chin is submerged. A rock on the opposite end of the bath is suddenly the most interesting thing in the whole world, and from his low perch, Ai silently clears his throat.]
I can't believe I thought you were scary when we first met. [It was always his salve: a platitude, or a quip that tried to disarm himself. In either instance, Ai cannot cope with how hot his face feels.]
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Date: 2025-09-10 03:38 am (UTC)Feels like everyone says that.
[look. he's a good guy. he just has a scary resting bitch face. or maybe it's more than that. but he focuses instead on how ai...pulls away a little. it makes him blink, makes him feel like he's crossed some boundary he wasn't aware was drawn in the sand.
nevertheless. sousuke is the furthest thing from a pusher. and he won't cross that line without explicit permission any longer. even if he did instinctually lean into ai's touch on his cheek for a moment. even if it felt like something a little deeper in that moment. but it was a blink and gone thing, and sousuke just assumes that ai didn't mean it that way]
...water feel good?
[he tries to dip into another subject matter, sinking down a little further, letting the water coat his chin]
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Date: 2025-09-10 03:47 am (UTC)And the air is just. So stifling. Uncanny in how suddenly his skin is hot but it isn't for the right reasons and the sweat that trickles down the back of his neck has nothing to do with the regret that's beginning to unfurl in his chest.
How easy it'd be to cross that line. Intuition goes a long way. And yet still, how easy it'd be to fuck up one of the best friendships he's ever had. Sousuke's quip and following question both go right over his head, Ai too hyperfocused on his cold feet.
A blink, and then his head is on a swivel to look up at Sousuke, ruefully smiling in that apologetic way of his for not having been paying attention.] Sorry, yes. [Rises up, just a little. Enough so he can lean his shoulders back against the rocks again. His eyes trail just barely south of Sousuke's eyes, his nose--
Suddenly, Ai is standing up fully, hand on the ledge for leverage. The water only obfuscating up to his thighs.]
I think the heat's going to my head.
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Date: 2025-09-11 04:06 am (UTC)...until his gaze betrays him. and as ai stands up, sousuke's eyes. drop.
and then jerk back towards the side of the rock wall as realization crashes over him and he feels utterly crass and vile for letting his gaze wander. sneaking a peak? that's teenage kid stuff. middle schoolers. he's long come to terms with what he likes. any body parts with something intelectual, and someone he's known attached...which naturally doesn't leave him with many options. but that's besides the point.
sousuke just hopes ai didn't see him. he coughs a little to try to cover up his blunder, rubbing the back of his head. it's not like ai wasn't copping an eyefull either but. sousuke just assumes it stemmed from something else]
...you good?
[he inquires softly, forcing himself to look back at ai without staring this time, and his fingers close around his friend's wrist]
If it's too hot you can get out, it's fine.
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Date: 2025-09-11 04:20 am (UTC)He only remembers because he catches Sousuke's gaze, follows it astutely from where it'd been pinned on his lower body and then toward the side. Ai very quickly sinks back into the water, face a brilliant pink. So much for blaming it on the water's temperature.
His free hand is pressed up into his fringe, gripping the strands of his silver hair right against his scalp. It was so unbelievably normal to see naked bodies in onsens. So normal to be prone among fellow swimmers. Why was this making him consider finding the quickest exit route?
Worse yet, why didn't he feel ashamed? Only a mild regret?]
Sorry-- sorry. [His eyes search the rippled surface of the water as if it could provide him answers. Doesn't even try to shake off Sousuke's grip on him. If anything, Ai's tugged his own wrist and the hand attached to it tighter into his chest under the water, trying to stay his heartbeat.] I'm a mess. Maybe I didn't sleep it off as well as I thought I did.
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Date: 2025-09-12 03:15 am (UTC)it's not his fault his eyes strayed. he just. well. forgot they were both naked momentarily. or maybe he was shamelessly letting his eyes wander. because he knows what he likes. sousuke shakes his head, holding up a hand in some faux retreat. a signal to let ai know it's all good, they're all good. despite whatever interesting event just transpired]
Easy, don't go apologizing for just standing up.
[the laugh that trails after is albeit awkward. so sousuke just feels ten times worse for mucking this up further. but ai isn't shaking off his wrist. ah right. sousuke sure does have a grip on that doesn't he? it's tempting to rip it away but... ai pulls their joined limbs closer to his heart, and doesn't that do something to his heart? something he kind of hates, kind of doesn't]
You can go sleep. Whole point of all this is to relax. Not freak out in the bath.
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Date: 2025-09-12 03:25 am (UTC)What a dangerous thought.
He settles back into the water, trying to convince himself that overthinking is the enemy. Relaxes enough to let his legs extend out in front of him, let his shoulders rest against the rocks behind them. Blue eyes flutter shut.]
I didn't freak out, [comes his reply, a rare denial painting his lips. It doesn't last long, though; Ai relents, free hand coming to pinch his brow.] ... I can't help it. Thinking I see something there, and panicking a little when it gets too close.
[There's a pause there. Ai's conjuring something in his chest, but seems to abandon ship at the last second. Sinks a bit lower into the water.]
Well, either way. Whether it's here or back in the room, I'd rather be with you.
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Date: 2025-09-13 02:16 am (UTC)only to see the evidence it was clearly meant for somebody else.
people dancing around each other, people skirting around things or trying to hide them. he has a good read of it. and well. whatever is going on here? coupled with ai's words? sousuke has a hunch. but choosing on whether to act on it or not? that's something else entirely.
his thumb carefully brushes over ai's skin. a stubbornly bold move, for whatever is currently transpiring. sousuke has a feel on what ai is saying. but what he means? ah. that's something else entirely. but there's no life without a little adventure. so he ventures cautiously]
...too close, huh.
[i'd rather be here with you. and maybe that solidifies it. sousuke takes a risk in life, and pulls ai a little closer. closing that gap, crossing that bridge. if ai chooses to hit him or shove him or anything else, sousuke yamazaki will happily take that loss. all in the pursuit of just knowing]
What did you think you saw?
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Date: 2025-09-13 02:50 am (UTC)He might have denied and backed out a final time if not for the most subtle of reassurances. Ai didn't even need to know what he thought he saw, what he thought he felt. Didn't even want to know if Sousuke saw the same thing. Ai just needed to know that if he called a spade a spade, their world wouldn't end. The onsen wouldn't spiral and drag him down by the ankle, and he wouldn't be one incredible friend short by the end of it.
It comes to him in a simple truth, somewhere between the soft touch to his wrist and Sousuke pulling him close enough for Ai to be tucked into his shoulder: implicitly and unconditionally, he trusts Sousuke. This has been true from the very first moment they met. It remained true now, where Ai's doubts could make him tailspin, but instead his utter faith in Sousuke keeps him level-headed.
It's why despite his panic a moment ago, his response - even if it takes a little bit to work the words to the tip of his tongue - is so simple and resolute,]
You. I saw you. [Ai quickly shakes his head, just once. And maybe subtly leans against Sousuke a little, though notably his gaze is fixated on their reflections in the water.] But I'm not scared of you. I just--
You mean too much to me for me to want to put that in jeopardy. Maybe it makes me a coward. I don't know anymore.
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Date: 2025-09-16 01:02 am (UTC)there's no veil hiding the fact. no pretenses hiding the fact. it's something startling. only because sousuke feels the same. like he's seen ai before. in ways others haven't. ever since that night outside samezuka... it's been one thing after another, all edging into this bond the others can't even begin to fathom between them. something akin to relief floods his veins, when ai leans back against him.
the feeling is mutual. that much is obvious to him]
...it's the same.
[sousuke says with conviction. so stubborn in his delivery, even though his tone is gentle. anything further might startle ai away and he doesn't want that. is terrified of it in fact. maybe he really did invite ai here under some pretense. something he's long since thought he buried at least. one pinkie hooks to brush whatever piece of ai's skin he can. something selfishly grounding for himself. except sousuke laughs, and maybe it's to cover himself up a bit. embarrassment is a real thing after all.
or maybe it's to put ai at ease. like he's always tried to do]
If that makes you a coward, it makes me more of one. Don't you think?
[the meaning there is clear]
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Date: 2025-09-16 01:21 am (UTC)But that expression of his, and so boldly looking at Sousuke--]
I can't imagine you being scared of much of anything, Sousuke-senpai. Ah, not that you haven't been... You're only human. Though... You're very patient. You have to be with the kinds of things you've been through. Right? So you'll sit on your hands for too long.
[Kettle, meet pot. His tone is still to bright to be believably present, and it's obvious he's trying to lead into something. Something of a common subject between the two of them, and Ai doesn't want to sound accusatory, or bitter, but it'd do them no favours to ignore what from Ai's purview was the obvious modum of hesitance. Absently, his thumb strokes the outside of Sousuke's knuckle, eyes contemplative down on the water. Patiently, calmly minding their reflections. Passively, perhaps selfishly, Ai thinks they look good like this.]
You waited for Rin-senpai. Didn't you?
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Date: 2025-09-17 03:18 am (UTC)oh, if only ai knew.
....okay maybe ai did know.
sousuke can't help but laugh at those last words. was he really so transparent? it's something that hasn't crossed his mind in what feels like centuries. stubbornly coming to the conclusion that there was no chance in hell, and he could accept that. as long as it meant having his best friend by his side. chasing after some other dreams, his own dreams this time--and trying not to absolutely wreck his newly healed body in the process]
Caught me.
[there's no denying ai's intuition, after all. he won't be made a liar of. he sighs, and lets his gaze drift back up towards the ceiling. fixating on a small droplet that continues to descent in the center of the hot spring]
Sounds like it comes from experience though.
[well. he's put it out there. ai can deny it, that's fine. sousuke can accept that. others can lie. he just refuses to, after almost a whole year of lying to the most important people in the world to him]
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Date: 2025-09-17 03:52 am (UTC)And if not for Rin catching everyone in his wake and breaking hearts, Sousuke may have never really found his way to Ai, and vice versa. Sousuke didn't have to ask the question at all, Ai thinks; he already knows.
I just wanted to be able to swim with him one last time.
If you're meant to do it, you'll find a way to be there with him... At least, that's what I think he'd tell you.
And there is only so much tiding by and puffing chests and feeling not enough someone can put up with before it morphs into something else entirely. It had never been Rin's onus to show that to Ai; Ai had to show it to himself. And once he did, and realized he had a choice, he chose to move on.
He doesn't even realize he's squeezed Sousuke's hand tightly.]
Rin-senpai showed me a lot of amazing things. I owe him a lot. [Ai's eyebrows knit. And suddenly he's wondering some other things, too.] ... But you knew that much already, didn't you?
[Yet here we are. Would Sousuke continue to sit on his hands, be patient, considerate, stalwart? Even now, with everything laid out plain? There is suddenly a fire in Ai's chest; a determination. He knows what it feels like to be taken for granted, and tucked into Souske's side, he promises himself to make sure Sousuke never comes to feel the same way about him.]
The thing I'm most grateful for from him is you. That's why. Even if it's bittersweet, I can never, ever regret it.
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